#And now I go to bed I'll answer my inbox tomorrow

[blackbirdffxiv]

(non-XIV, kinda personal venting below I apologize, nothing serious)

So I have a love-hate relationship with social media; I don't mind using it, but I hate how some arbitrary posts that I find come across my feed somehow, whether its tumblr or twitter, but there's one in particular that has bugged me since I saw it.

So I use Ao3 to post my fics from other fandoms, I don't show it on tumblr because I'm not confident enough in my writing to post it in a way where people can put a "face" (digital or otherwise) to my writing because it makes it easier for trolls and rude people to find me. Not the point.

I use Ao3 a lot these days; I read a lot on there. I always give kudos to things I like cuz I like it when someone leaves one on my writings. It gives the happy brain chemicals, and makes all the headaches I had while writing worth it, and makes me happy that despite my lackluster style, people enjoy it.

But a few months ago, I saw this arbitrary tweet about how someone believed that a fic is only considered "adequate" (not their words from the best of my memory, this is based on what I remember) or good to them if there was at least 1 kudos for every 10 views. And for a lot of my more recent works, especially the SFW things, I'm lucky to get double digits with 300 views on the fic.

And now I can't help but think my writing may be bad because its not getting the reception I thought it would. I know, "write for you not for others" but you can't deny it sucks when people don't enjoy your work, or the ones who do don't show they liked it in some way shape or form.

[burningcheese-merchant]

"Eyes" - BurningCheese Short Story #4

I have a bunch of asks in my inbox, and I would like to answer them... but I also want to get this short story finished and posted before my SO nags me about going to bed super late again lol.

I'll answer people's messages tomorrow! In the meantime, enjoy this short! Thanks for your patience and thanks to those who reached out! I always enjoy and appreciate people taking the time to tell me their thoughts!

'Were they always like this...?' Golden Cheese wondered. 'So bright...'

Burning Spice returned her curious stare with a smile and nothing more. He quite liked this unprompted attention, honestly. Just how long would it last, if he kept choosing not to interrupt it?

'So bold... I don't think I've ever seen anything like it...'

"Birdie~" he called to her playfully. (He couldn't help it. She looked so cute when she concentrated that he simply had to say something.)

'So red... The shade of White Lily's eyes is so much more... calm. Subdued.'

"Little bird?" His smile began to falter.

'And his pupils... Were they always like this, as well? Was he born with a beast's eyes, right from the very beginning?'

"Little thief?" His tone sounded less playful and more... confused.

'What is it... Just what do I see...'

"Golden Cheese?"

"Hm?"

Only now did she realize that Burning Spice had invaded her personal space (as he was wont to do) by leaning down and resting his forehead against hers. Perhaps that was why his eyes seemed so bright, at least in part - they were hardly an inch from her own now.

When he knew she was back in the waking world, his smile returned. "There you are," he said. "Why are you staring at me, little thief? Can I help you with something?"

"I..." She averted her gaze from him, her cheeks flushing red with embarrassment. "I'm sorry," she said. "I don't mean to be so rude. I was... lost in thought."

"I could tell," he chuckled. "And where did your mind wander off to? Somewhere to do with me?"

"Nowhere important," she said, still refusing to look at him.

"Come on. Tell me. Sing for me, pretty bird." He cupped her chin. "You don't want to keep being rude, do you? Not looking at someone when they talk to you is very rude. Turn those pretty eyes back to me and speak your mind."

"Eyes..." she murmured. She did what he asked and looked at him again, her gaze once more unwavering and... curious. "That's what I was thinking about, actually."

"What do you mean?"

"Your eyes," she said. "That's where my mind wandered off to, Burning Spice. Straight into your eyes."

"Ah, I see." His lips curled into another teasing smile. "What about them? You like them?"

"They're very unique," she told him. "I know plenty of people with red eyes... including a dragon and a man made of fire... and even their eyes aren't quite like yours."

"I certainly hope not. I'd rather you stare into my eyes than theirs."

She made a face at him and gently swatted at his cheek, earning her another chuckle. "I mean it," she said. "I'm not saying this lightly. Your eyes are... one of a kind."

"Such high praise," he purred. "I think and say the same of yours, pretty bird."

"I feel... drawn to them, when I look at them," she continued, past his little attempt at flirting. "I'm not sure how else to put it. I see them and I think of..."

"Of...?" he echoed.

"...Of many things," she eventually finished. "They aren't static. They grow brighter, dimmer... I almost wonder if you change them at will."

"Maybe I do. Maybe I don't." He leaned in the slightest bit closer, letting his nose brush against hers. "Regardless, what do they make you think of? What do you see? Tell me. I'm curious."

She paused, losing herself in thought for another moment. Burning Spice stayed put, patient but eager, waiting for her answer.

"I see... a star," she finally told him. "I see stars, shining brilliantly within the vastness of space. I see them glowing, twinkling, burning so bright... and I see them falling apart. Collapsing in on themselves. Dying valiantly in an all-consuming flame. These beacons of light in a deep, dark ocean, succumbing to loneliness at long last... but not with a whisper. With a bang. With aplomb. With the same brilliance they had possessed all their lives."

His smile grew. "Yeah? What else?"

"I see a great inferno," she continued. "A spark that grew out of control and into something too powerful for anyone to stop. Waves of fire crashing down, consuming everything in their path in mindless fury. Swallowing a forest whole and spitting out its ashes. Striking primal fear in the hearts of all who see it. Rampaging across the world until either someone puts an end to its reign of terror, or there is nothing left to consume, and so it consumes itself instead."

He hummed. For a moment, just a moment, his smile faltered again. He composed himself quickly - but not quickly enough for Golden Cheese not to notice.

"I see... a fire pit," she said, a bit more carefully this time. "A stove top, an oven, a nest of metal and charcoal... I see someone hard at work, their brows knit, tending to the flames as a mother tends to her child. Hammering away at a piece of unrefined steel, sprinkling salt into a pan, carefully molding a mound of clay. Perhaps only for a few hours, perhaps for days and nights. But at the end, when they're finished, I see them reach into those flames they cared for so diligently and pull out the fruits of their labor. A fine sword. A delicious meal. A beautiful vase. Something new, something great. From within this force of death and destruction still comes creation and ingenuity."

A blush began to creep across Burning Spice's face. "I..."

"Now, I don't see these things all at once, all the time," she told him. "They... change. The flames in your eyes rise and fall. They glow, they simmer, they explode. Never a dull moment, in those eyes of yours."

"Yeah?" he asked quietly.

"Yeah," she echoed quietly.

"Then... if they always change..." He let his hand wander up from her chin to her cheek, his fingers ghosting over her skin. "What do they change into... when I do this?"

He kissed her. Slowly, deeply, those fiery eyes still open and gazing into her own. And she stared right back at him, shining gold gazing into smoldering embers. Red, orange, yellow, white... all the colors of summer. Heat and light and unashamed passion, boring into her soul.

When he pulled away, he let himself linger, his lips still just barely brushing against her own. She could feel his hot breath on her lips, on her skin. Still taste it in her mouth.

"And now?" he asked. "What do you see now?"

She didn't answer. She only continued staring at him in silence, lost in his warm gaze.

"Tell me, Golden Cheese," he insisted, caressing her cheek. It was a deep red and hot to the touch. "What do my eyes look like now? What do you see in them?"

"...I..."

He pressed another kiss to her lips. "Tell me," he said again. "Please. I want to know. I must know."

"I see..." She faltered again. Another moment of silence passed before she spoke again.

"I see a hearth," she murmured.

"You do?" He smiled again... with the same warmth and adoration she saw glittering in his eyes. "What about it? What kind?"

She opened her mouth to speak, but nothing came out. She closed her eyes, staying still and silent... and then she sighed softly, shaking her head.

"Sorry," she said. "I'm sorry. I..."

"Sorry? What for?"

She was already pulling away from him. The spell had seemingly been broken; now she was tearing her eyes away from his own and casting them any which way. Anywhere but him.

"It's rude to stare at people, Burning Spice," she said.

She turned and started walking away, her head slightly bowed. He stood frozen in shock for a moment or two, before he snapped out of it and hurried after her.

"I don't care!" he told her. "Who cares about that? I don't mind if you're rude! Be as rude as you'd like!"

"Sorry," she said quickly, shaking her head again.

"Where are you going?" he asked. "Why are you leaving me? At least let me say my piece! Let me tell you what your eyes show me!"

"Maybe another time," she told him, her cheeks turning a shade darker.

"No! Now! Let me do it now!" He rushed up to her side, now keeping perfect pace with her. "Ignoring others when they talk to you is rude too, remember?! If you don't want to be rude, then stay! Stay with me! Let us tell each other more of our thoughts!"

They stayed in this loop for a little while. Golden Cheese with her arms crossed and face a deep scarlet, walking away from her own foolishness with increasing speed. Burning Spice with his pleading look, those telltale flames now crackling frantically, always hot on her heels and fighting to take back their little moment.

Until she had enough of their charade and took off into the air, with a flap of her wings so sudden and forceful that the gust of wind nearly knocked him over, and he found himself pouting after her as she flew up and away.

--------------

A supernova. That's what that first thing Golden Cheese talks about is. She sees supernovae in Burning Spice's eyes. Haha.

Something I often like to do (or attempt to do) when I write is... try to tell people what something is without outright stating it. Describe an object without mentioning its name. Let people put those pieces together themselves. Let their minds wander. Leave a few spots on the canvas blank, so they can fill them in on their own. It's a fun little challenge. A guessing game. Keeps people reading, if only to figure out what you're referring to, before they skip to the glossary out of boredom or frustration.

Things lend themselves to a lot of fascinating imagery if and when you allow yourself to take on that sort of challenge and try to view them that way. Go look at a plant or a mug and try to tell yourself what it is without saying it's a plant or a mug. You start to train your mind the more you do it. Might help you write better. Hopefully. I hope it's working for me.

[lemotmo]

🙃

To everyone currently melting down in my inbox, if your idea of a realistic expectation for tonight is to have Eddie, in the midst of dealing with a dump of a house, trying to find employment, trying to fix his relationship with his son, and trying to coexist with his parents, stop mid everything to exclaim that everything is wrong because he hasn't talked to Buck, then you're responsible for your own disappointment. He is not going to do anything like that tonight. Buck is most likely NOT coming up in Eddie's plot tonight, doesn't mean he won't, but it makes perfect sense for him not to be mentioned in Eddie's plot tonight. Furthermore Ryan will say, in the most Ryan way possible, in his post episode interviews that Eddie has more important things going on right now than missing Buck. He will also say however Tommy views Eddie is Tommy's problem and doesn't have anything to do with Eddie and Eddie has nothing to do with their relationship problems.

*however openly admitting that he watched the edits from 8x11 should tell you all you really need to know but by all means continue to spiral*

Okay! I'm about to head to bed, but I really wanted to post this before I sign off.

Read Ali's words very carefully you guys! It's important!

Let this arc play itself out completely before you judge it please!

Okay, now I'm off to bed. ENJOY the Eddiesode and Maddiesode you guys!

As always I'll be avoiding all social media until I've seen the episode tomorrow morning. Feel free to jump into my inbox to talk about the episode. I'll answer you tomorrow.

I'm so excited to see Eddie again!

See you guys on the flipside! 🤗

[ask-irisstar]

A fluff sanji x reader story where sanji is having a hard time falling asleep (perchance to his odd sleeping schedule.) and Reader helps him go to bed??

Helping Sanji go to sleep

AN: *takes a deep breath* Ok so... My inbox already has like 5 Sanji asks and this one really caught my eye. I think this is SUPER cute so thanks anon for requesting!! I might be slow in answering asks because of exam period and I have a BIG performance coming on 2 May. However, I'll try my best!!

Notes: Fluff, Sanji x GN reader, Fluff, SFW, quite short I'm sorry, Brook and reader are besties, Reader steals from Zoro, Sanji being a jealous idiot

You couldn't help but feel Sanji tossing and turning in bed beside you. Getting annoyed with your lover's actions, you turned to face him with a light scowl on your face. However, it immediately disappears when your eyes met with sleepy blue eyes. Your blonde boyfriend is exhausted, but according to how restless he is, he can't fall asleep. Gently, you slowly cupped his tired face.

"Baby... You've been tossing for hours... Is something wrong?" You asked, fingers tracing his eye bags.

Sanji shook his head and took your hands, "No dear... I'm fine... Just can't sleep..." He admits, voice laced with drowsiness.

You felt bad for the man beside you. So sleepy, yet can't sleep. Whenever you felt restless and sleepless, Sanji is always there to help you go to sleep. Now, seeing that he is the one that needs help, you didn't hesitate to do so.

"C'mon, follow me to the kitchen... I know something that might help..." You say, taking his hand and dragging a tired Sanji out of bed.

Reluctantly, Sanji obeyed, following you to the only place on the ship he has authority over. In the kitchen, you poured some milk into a glass and slide it over to him. Sanji caught the glass with ease and shot you a questioning look.

"Drink it... It'll help make you sleepy..." You say, smiling gently at your lover.

Sanji stares at you suspiciously for a beat before chugging down the milk. When he's done, you both went to bed and see whether it works. Unfortunately, it didn't work. However, you aren't out of ideas yet. It was a chilly night today and the blanket you two shared is small and thin. You sneakily snuck into Zoro's room and stole his blanket. He's on night watch today so he won't mind. The worst that could happen is that he and Sanji will fight about it the next day. You went back into the room and threw the big green blanket over the two of you. And to sweeten things up, you cuddled near Sanji, providing extra warmth.

However, despite being so cozy and warm, Sanji still couldn't fall asleep. You both were desperate now. Everything you tried didn't work. You tried tiring him out by doing some midnight training, a hot shower, a quick snack, EVERYTHING. And yet, the blonde haired cook still couldn't sleep.

"Give it up Y/N... This useless... Go to sleep... I don't want you tired tomorrow because of me... Besides, we have a long day tomorrow..." Sanji said pushing you back into bed despite your resistence.

"No Sanji, I'm not sleeping until I know you are asleep beside me..." You reply, sitting back up.

Sanji sighs, "But we tried everything mon amour..."

You smirk slyly, "Not everything..."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"NO! There is NO way I'm letting that perverted skeleton into our room!" yelled Sanji, a hint of jealousy in his voice.

You rolled your eyes. You and Brook are best friends and nothing more. Yet, Sanji still gets jealous.

"Trust me Sanji, this will help you..." You pleaded, making puppy eyes.

Sanji groans, but relents, "Fine, but if that skeleton so much stares at you, I'm kicking him..."

When Brook enters your bedroom, you requested him to play some soothing music on his violin. He compiles and plays a melodic tune to help Sanji fall asleep. Almost immediately, Sanji's eyes grew heavy. You grab him by the shoulder and pulled him into bed beside you.

"Sleep baby..." You whisper into his ear, tracing random patterns onto his back.

"I love you mon amour... Good night...."

Those were the last things you heard from Sanji before snores came from him. You smiled and snuggled closer to the blonde.

"Good night babe..."

And with that, you two fell into a deep slumber, Brook's soothing music playing in the background.

______________________________________________________________

And that's a wrap! Hope you enjoy this anon! Please sent in any more request you have! You can even request other characters! I'm going to go work on my other Sanji asks now!

Link to the song Brook is playing:

[mrsfrederickchilton]

FREDERICK. Chapter 68

You didn't stay the night — Frederick didn't try to persuade you. The electricity came back on in two hours, and you said you were leaving him with a clear conscience.

Another lie.

You were less and less willing to ruin his life. But otherwise, your life would be left in ruins. The choice was no longer so easy, but still obvious.

Before you left, you saw Frederick receive an e-mail — a notification appeared on his phone, which he swiped away, but you managed to read the beginning: Okay, I'll do what I can.

That's curious. You checked mail sometimes — his mail, sent (you, like him, still received notifications on inbox, and there was nothing interesting there yet). You'll have to see what's there.

Frederick insisted on a taxi this time; during the trip you logged into his work and personal email accounts. But you didn't find anything like that. He probably deleted the letter, or maybe it was spam. What kind of garbage isn't being sent out these days.

You came home, took a shower, changed clothes. Looked at the calendar. There were a few days left. You'd be in shape just in time.

An eternity ago, having found out when his birthday was, you set a reminder on your phone.

“Of course, I won't forget,” you said then. “But someday, senile sclerosis will overcome me.”

You saved the date.

“Although,” you added after thinking, “it's unlikely that we'll both live to see it.” Not with regret. Just as a fact. As a given.

You knew it and were ready for it. It's your choice.

“You'll live to see it,” he answered. “I won't let anything happen to you before you're ninety.”

“Why not a hundred?”

“Then, I think, sclerosis will overcome me too.”

I won't let anything happen to you. He could have left you, disappeared. If he was such a psychopath who couldn't love, why didn't he? Instead, he gave in. He didn't let you get locked up in a mental institution. All those stupid words, all those notes mean nothing. Frederick thought he was taking away the human qualities of your love one by one, but he didn't know that even that wouldn't affect your feelings.

He hasn't changed. He's just adapted to you.

But isn't that enough?

Frederick called when you were already going to bed. As if you hadn't spent the whole evening together. As if he still missed talking to you. You didn't like phone calls — text messages are better. When you talk on the phone, you have less time to think, you can hear the intonations. That's exactly why Frederick called you more often now than he wrote.

He will stop soon.

“Are you coming tomorrow?”

There was another reason why you hadn’t stayed the night, in addition to the two you already had: first, you wanted Frederick to miss you more (your body, to be more precise), and second, you didn’t want to ruin this friendly evening. And third…

“I think I’ll stay home,” you answered.

“Why?”

What kind of questions are you asking, Frederick…

“I’ve got a lot of things to do.”

“Things to do?”

As if I can't have them. Before you could answer, he asked again:

“Are you okay?”

Although, yes, what kind of things do I have to do? Really.

“Well,” you hesitated, “like…”

“What?”

Oh, God, stop it, he’s a doctor after all.

“My... stomach hurts,” you said.

“Poisoned?” Frederick asked anxiously.

“And it will still hurt a little tomorrow,” you added meaningfully, hoping that you wouldn't have to add anything else. Like periods, for example.

Blockhead.

“Oh...” he paused for a moment. “Should I bring you something?”

“No, oh my God,” you laughed. “Just...”

“Come anyway. Well, if... It's convenient. I promise I won't...”

“What?”

“Importune.”

You chuckled.

“I'll think about it.”

* * *

And the next evening you came. You needed to tease him a little more. You put on jeans and a white shirt, seemingly formal, but rather thin, and through it slightly — slightly, but enough — a black bra was visible.

In a friendly way.

You settled in the living room. You played the piano a little — for him, but he didn't know it. Then Frederick went to the chest of drawers.

“Would you like to play?” he asked, taking out a box.

The same box that you had received as a prize at the Arcade at the game park. Then, having carried it in your backpack, you returned it to Dr. Chilton. “Familiar Strangers. Psychological Game”. You took it and read the inscription on the side: To get acquainted — to open up — to become closer.

It seems that you and Dr. Chilton — Frederick managed without this game.

“Well,” you answered, “not really.”

“Okay,” he smiled. “Then I'll take care of dinner.”

“And me?”

“Practice some more,” he nodded at the grand piano.

“Maybe I should help you?”

“I'll do it myself,” he lightly kissed you on the top of your head and left, not noticing how your heart sank.

You decided to look at your prize from the game park. The box contained game cards and rules of the game. People had to honestly share information about themselves by answering a question. You fished out a few cards at random, each of them really did have a question written on it.

What was the biggest challenge in your life?

Oh, well, perhaps taking a risk and falling in love with a killer instead of giving in and turning him in.

What can you do today that you couldn't do a year ago?

Wear evening dresses, walk in heels.

Seduce psychiatrists...

Tell us about the most wonderful trip of your life.

Eternal, unforgettable Copenhagen. Now so far away. Will you ever visit it again?

What fears and experiences were important to you a few months ago, but now have ceased to matter?

You were afraid that you would never see him. That you would never be able to get a single visit. That Dr. Chilton won't fall for your tricks. That you yourself won't be able to fall for them, to convince yourself that you're someone else.

Not afraid anymore.

At least of this...

Dare to be frank — share your secret fantasy.

You've already done it twice, even to your own disgust. The second time only in words, but the idea was successfully planted in Frederick's head.

My fantasy. (Almost the truth. Even if not the one he imagines.) I think about it almost constantly. About doing it in the office.

(And where it should lead.)

Yeah, it's good that you refused to play this game.

Frederick returned to the living room and said that dinner would be ready in ten minutes.

“By the way... Maybe we need to throw out something else?” he asked with a smile, nodding towards the hallway, and you obediently followed him. To the dressing room.

Jeans and sweaters, once hidden deep in the drawers of the dressers, now took their rightful place in plain sight. Of course, he did not wear such things to work and never would, but at least the undeservedly consigned to oblivion clothes no longer caused Frederick to panic. Before, he could not imagine that someone would see him in such clothes — even at home.

“Will you take a look?”

You ran your hand over the sweaters, nodded. You already knew that there was nothing more to throw out.

The phone vibrated in the back pocket of your jeans. You glanced at the screen, a lump came to your throat. You turned around — Frederick was gone. You picked up the phone.

“Yes?”

“I didn't get it,” said orderly Higgins

And nothing more.

You were silent too, but the silence soon became tense. You slipped out of the closet and headed for the bathroom, hiding your phone under your shirt. Frederick smiled at you from the kitchen. God. You locked the door, turned on the water, and hid in a corner away from the door.

“Have you changed your mind?” Higgins asked after all.

You looked at the second toothbrush that Frederick had placed in a glass on the shelf by the mirror. When did he have time?

“No,” you whispered.

Truth.

“What?”

“I haven't changed my mind,” you repeated a little louder.

“Then what are you waiting for?”

“I missed the right moment.”

Truth.

The moment when he was still Dr. Chilton, a means to an end. To ran away and forgot. Without any regrets.

“And when is the next one?” Higgins wondered.

“Are you okay?” Frederick asked loudly, knocking on the door.

“Yes,” you shouted, pressing the mobile to your chest. Then you brought the phone to your ear.

The orderly let out a nasty laugh.

“Maybe I should come and visit you? I've never been to Dr. Chilton's. They say he has a decent apartment. Even a grand piano. Is it there?”

“Yes.”

There was a sigh in the phone.

“Probably it won't be there soon.”

Truth.

“I have to go,” you said. “See you the day after tomorrow.”

“You mean ‘see you’ — or see you?”

Now a sigh escaped you.

“Make him fun before he dies,” the orderly Higgins chuckled.

“Don't say that,” you shuddered.

But essentially he was right.

You came out of the bathroom and bumped into Frederick.

“Is everything okay?” He asked, looking at your slumped shoulders.

“Yeah. Just a little tired.”

“Well, we'll fix that now,” he led you to the kitchen, where an incredibly pleasant aroma reigned.

Dinner was ready and beautifully served. Frederick pulled out a chair for you to sit down, as if you were in a restaurant.

But it was much better here.

Before you could sit down, a beeping signal caught your attention, and Frederick picked up his phone from the countertop. The signal was about the battery being low, only a few percent left. You saw a red indicator in the corner of the screen.

“Where is your charger?” you asked.

“In the living room,” Frederick was about to leave the kitchen, but you stopped him.

He was cooking dinner while you were treacherously talking to orderly Higgins.

“I’ll get it,” you gently pushed him toward the chair. “Sit down. Where exactly does it lie?”

“On the shelf under the TV.”

Frederick stayed in the kitchen. He put his phone down and straightened plate, then cutlery. He moved the napkin holder. He liked what he saw. A few hundred dinners alone were worth it. They were just a grueling path to where he was now.

It was all worth it.

Frederick heard your footsteps in the hallway and smiled. The phone next to him beeped again, differently this time, and he took it in hands. Looked at the notification.

Oh, not this, he thought.

Please, not this.

Next chapter (Chapter 69)

Masterlist

[strxnged]

KAVEH: # following a long day. comfort/platonic; 500w.

your day had been exceptionally terrible, and, showing up at kaveh and alhaitham’s doorstep, you pleaded with kaveh to let you stay the night so that you wouldn’t have to be alone with yourself.

he opened the door wide for you, of course, asking if you wanted anything to drink.

“i’d rather just go to bed if that's alright,” you told him. “i can sleep on the couch.”

“are you sure?”

you told him that you'd sleep on the floor if it meant you wouldn't have to be alone.

he decided that he would sleep on other couch in the sitting room.

he pulled two blankets out for you:

”this one was brought from some merchants in aaru village to port ormos, where i purchased it,” he told you, “and this one i got from a weaver from fontaine. sheepskin. just look at the design!”

you took one. “at least i’ll be sleeping in style.”

the couch was not uncomfortable, and you were not cold, but of course you still could not sleep. events of the day haunted your thoughts as you lay back, only light from the hall lantern and moonlight from the foyer window preventing sheer darkness.

“comfy?”

“i'll be fine.”

“that sounds like a no.”

you managed a chuckle.

“sorry, am i keeping you awake?”

“don't worry about me,” you said, “what about alhaitham? isn't he in bed?”

kaveh scoffed. “at this hour? he's probably still reading. i wouldn't be concerned about keeping him awake, friend. he can complain to me tomorrow.”

“i’d feel bad.”

“no, no. please don't feel bad for inconveniencing alhaitham.”

you felt a bit better. “and you?

“i’d rather you were here and miserable than alone and miserable.”

“well.” you pulled your blanket up to your neck. “i appreciate it, kavs.”

“kavs?”

you smiled to yourself.

he asked you what the nickname meant, but you didn't reply.

“you're a strange one, y/n. you better explain it tomorrow.”

“mhm,” you said. and again, emotion hit you out of nowhere, deafening you to anything he said afterwards. you rubbed your eyes, wishing that you could imagine anything else.

kaveh noticed your silence and asked you what had happened today.

you could not tell him all the details—you could not bear it.

but you told him some.

enough that he understood why you came over.

his voice was soft and careful when you were done.

“i'm sorry,” he said into the darkness, “i’m sorry you had to go through that. i wish i could keep you from ever feeling how you do now. is—is there anything i can do to help?”

“kaveh, you're doing plenty just by having me here.”

“nonsense.”

you didn't respond, your eyes threatening to shut.

“are you sleeping yet?”

you weren’t, yet, but you stayed quiet.

“sleep tight, y/n.”

you heard a bit of a shuffle, but your eyes were shut and so you did not look. you got a feeling, however, that kaveh had repositioned himself on the floor next to the couch you were lying on, ready to comfort you should you need it.

author's note. hello my lovelies. i've got reason to believe that you may have had a bad day recently if you read this far; here's your reminder that kaveh would want to hear you out, and that i do want to hear you out if you need to vent. my inbox is open and you may specify that you don't want your ask answered/answered publicly.

also, as of posting this, i wrote this two weeks ago, but kept it in my drafts until i was sure i wanted to post it. i had an exceptionally long day at work today and it felt right. it was a nice read, too. i love kaveh.

consider reblogging if you enjoyed!

➳ GENSHIN MASTERLIST

[cryptidsurveys]

Thursday, May 22nd, 2025.

1 - Do you have a car? How long have you had it and how much did it cost? I do. I've had it since 2008. It was around 12,000$.

2 - Who was the last person to send you a message on Facebook? I haven't used Facebook for years.

3 - What did you have for breakfast this morning? My usual oatmeal bowl.

4 - Do you have any scented candles lit at the moment? I don't.

5 - When was the last time you left your house? When will be the next time you go out? Earlier this morning. My dad and I went to the mountain park. I'll be leaving the house again tomorrow morning to go to the shelter.

6 - Does anyone in real life follow your survey blog? If so, does it make you think twice about some of your answers? If not, are you ever paranoid that someone will find your blog and read your answers? No one I know IRL follows this blog, but that is a fear of mine. A few months ago, someone who used to work at the shelter popped up on my Instagram suggestions and I was like--!!! So, I switched my account to private just in case. I don't think it's super likely that anyone will stumble across this blog, though.

7 - When was the last time someone stopped talking to you? Have you made up with that person since? Hmm.

8 - Who as the last person you argued or bickered with? My therapist.

9 - Do you have anything planned for the rest of the day? If you’re about to go to bed, what are your plans for tomorrow? Naw. Just laziness.

10 - Did you have any e-mails in your inbox the last time you checked? Yeah, but I didn't pay much attention to them. I think I was only in there to get my new Spotify password.

11 - What time did you wake up this morning? Did you have to set an alarm or did you wake up naturally? I woke up around 4:45am, but I didn't start getting ready until shortly before 5:30am.

12 - When was the last time it snowed where you live? Late April.

13 - Does it bother you if you’re wearing odd socks? I will often wear slightly mismatched gray and white socks when I go out, and completely mismatched socks at home are fine.

14 - Is there anything small that bothers you way more than it should? Instances that trigger intrusive thoughts. I really, really, really wish my brain would just chill out because I'm probably making mountains out of molehills.

15 - Would you rather read a book, watch a film or play a video game? Read a book.

16 - Why did you last attend a doctors’ appointment? It was just a checkup.

17 - Who was the last person you spoke to on the phone? My mom.

18 - How many different colours have you dyed your hair over the years? is your hair your natural colour at the moment? Blond, black, dark red… And yes, it's currently my natural color.

19 - Do you prefer sweet or savoury snacks? Sweet.

20 - When was the last time you got up to use the bathroom? About an hour ago.

21 - Do you spend more money on shoes or clothes? Clothes.

22 - Are you glad that Biden won the 2020 elections? Blah.

23 - What kind of things do you do to try and save the planet? I don't really do anything in particular.

24 - Are you, or have you ever been, vegetarian or vegan? I have been.

25 - What was the last thing you threw in the bin/garbage? A wrapper thing from some trail mix I finished.

26 - How many times a week do you exercise? Do you think that’s enough or should you really be doing more? I don't really get any exercise aside from volunteering. I did go on a short hike with my dad this morning, though. I should probably do more, but only if I'm willing to eat more in order to sustain it.

27 - When was the last time you had to cancel or re-arrange plans you’d made? What was the reason behind it? I guess last Friday, due to schedule changes at the shelter. I normally go in for a full day, but now there will be three other people instead of the usual two, so I'm just doing half days instead. I might switch that full day to Saturday. It looks like Tuesdays are also going to be an issue, but I'm not sure what I'm going to do about that yet. And I might take off a few days in the upcoming "week" depending on reasons and things. We'll see!

28 - Have you ever had to wear braces? Yeah.

29 - What cut of jeans do you prefer? I guess bootcut or slightly tapered, like baggy skinny jeans.

30 - If you’re planning to spend the day at home, do you get properly dressed or just wear pyjamas? I stay in pajamas.

[inhurtandincomfort]

I know I still have a couple of STS asks sitting in my inbox, thank you, I'm probably gonna answer them tomorrow bc I've been procrastinating and now I'm tired I'm going to bed lmao

storyteller sunday lets go

This also means I will read remaining responses tomorrow too, I promise I'll do it!

[victoriousscarf]

Was tagged by @katajainen

How many works do you have on AO3?

302

What's your total AO3 word count?

5,012,937

Some of these were co-written but still when I went to check for this and found I'd finally passed the 5 million mark I was super psyched. I'd been approaching it for a while lol.

Your Top 5 stories by kudos

the forest is dark and deep and i've seen you here before

Its Not the End of the World (But It Might as Well be the End of Your World): This one will forever crack me up because I literally thought 2 other people were going to get a chuckle out of it when I wrote it. Still gets weekly kudos 10 years later (Wait *record scratch* ten years??? Yeah I started posting in 2015. Did not see that coming/had not processed that)

My Downfall is Rooted in Your Desperate Need

Looks Can be Deceiving, Even if You're on the Right Track (Technically it's Two Sides of the Coin but that's a co-written one so I'm going with my next down one)

I Won't Move the Heaven's for You and You'll Pretend to Forget Me

Okay I do love the fact that it's like "the forest is dark and deep is an outlier and should not have been counted" because everything else is DCU.

Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

I try! It's rough in my inbox right now so I've started just opening up stories and replying to all the comments on them straight on to try and tame the inbox down. You might be two years late but I'm getting there.

Honestly, sometimes people tell me I don't have to and I'm like "No, I'm gonna--eventually" not because I feel like I must, but because I like to! Author's talk about their love of comments all the time, but it's the love of the conversation, and sometimes having that back and forth reveals new and fun things about your story too. I love comments and replying, I just, sometimes get to a point where it's "you either get a reply or an update" and then I do that too many times in a row and the inbox becomes ungovernable.

Do you write crossovers?

I used to. I'll still enjoy a good fusion au, but I rarely straight up cross over characters anymore. They're fun thought experiments though, trying to figure out how different worlds would collide.

Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

Yes. What kind? I don't know, whatever kind serves the plot. I'm not a PWP writer, let's put it that way. It's more "if this fits the purpose of the story or emotional arc, I'll write it." Very rarely do I just because... though that happens randomly sometimes.

Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Yes. In both the straight up plagiarism way and in the someone reposted my fic to wattpad and said their friend (with a totally different name) wrote it.

Have you ever had a fic translated?

Yes! Though some of them seem to have disappeared off ao3 over the years which is too bad. But I remember some were Chinese and some were Russian. A few podfics too! And let me tell you, nothing is better than that feeling, but also hearing someone read my own words does send me immediately scurrying to hide under my bed.

Have you ever co-written a fic before?

Hmmm idk. @meddalarksen? Have I ever co-written a fic before?

(The answer is yes).

What's your all time favorite ship?

Uhhhh... depends on the day but an evergreen classic is Spock/McCoy

What's a WIP that you want to finish but probably never will?

Hold My Hand Under the Rust and the Dust will probably never get finished. Unless I figure out how to do something totally different with it than I originally planned.

What are your writing strengths?

Logistics, according to multiple people. Smut for the aces. Making people cry.

What are your writing weaknesses?

Staying on task.

What's a fandom/ship you haven't written for yet, but want to?

I never have written a single Legends of Tomorrow fic, despite talking about multiple ones.

What's your favorite fic that you've written?

That's a pretty impossible question lolol.

At the moment? The fic I'm incredibly proud of: to gain, to lose

The fic that gave me something no other fic has/I have probably reread the most: Only Break What's Yours

The fic that taught me I could do it: Find the Sun in the Corners of Shadows

The fic that fundamentally changed me as a person: the forest is dark and deep and i've seen you here before

[dcynight]

[[ okiedoke its almost 3am here so jknbhjnkljj my dumbass is going to bed for now

i'll answer the other asks tomorrow, and i'll finish my inbox call stuff tomorrow as well ^u^

for now tho, i go eep ]]

[spongebob-connoisseur]

Whoever sent that ask somehow ended up breaking my inbox.

Anyways I'll answer here: yes it was fast because I'm on my phone at midnight when I SHOULD be sleeping cuz I have much to do tomorrow.

That ask was so nauseating that it has inspired me to go to bed now. Thank you anon <3 Gute Nacht <3

[transneilyoung]

i'm going to bed now but it would be fun if people sent me asks to my inbox as i'm sleeping to answer sometime tomorrow morning. that would be fun. if no one does it i'll just delete this post so it's ok. but i would like it. ask me things

[deke-rivers-1957]

Loving You Rewrite

AN: So this is basically me rewriting scenes from that film that I think could've used another draft. Thank you @vintagepresley for making the Deke Rivers AI chat. If you want me to try to rewrite other scenes in Elvis films please send your request in. My inbox is open.

Deke has been feeling nervous all night. He's about to perform on live tv tomorrow night and just wants to run away.

"Ms. Glenda, please, Ah can't f-f-f-fa... perform again. I can't go out on that stage and pretend everything is fine when I'm breaking from the inside out."

Glenda of course feels indignant that Deke would want to run away.

"And where do you plan on going? Back to Woodbine Cemetery to start over?"

Deke's sitting on his bed collecting his thoughts.

"Ms. Glenda, Ah just wish Ah could sing from mah heart, be mahself, not be what folks think I should be."

Glenda thinks.

"What you're really saying is... it's all my fault."

Deke tries to backtrack.

"No, no! Ms. Glenda.. it's not you."

She's becoming incredulous.

"Then what is it, Deke? Why would you want to run away when I've done everything I can to make you a star?"

Deke starts to stutter.

"Don't y-y-you see, Ms. Glenda, all this, it's not about me, all this fake hair, these fancy clothes, ah'm tryin' to be somebody Ah'm not."

Glenda tries to reason with Deke.

"There's many performers who only go by their stage name. They have to have an identity when they go onstage. Is there something else that you're not telling me, Deke?"

Deke keeps going with his feelings of doubt.

"Ms. Glenda.. ah know ah'm not the easiest person to manage.. and ah'm thankful for everythang you've done for me. But ah want to tell you the truth, there's so many lies already. Ah, ah can't sing tonight."

Glenda sighs

"Okay. I guess it's time I straightened out the books with you, too. You can have the truth."

Deke looks up at her confused.

"Ms. Glenda.. what do you mean?"

She walks to the window and points outside.

"You see that car? Tex hocked his life insurance to buy it. There is no oil widow. The pictures in the paper, the kids fighting over you-- I started it all."

Deke can't seem to believe it.

"You started this?"

Glenda continues telling her story.

"I even had you fired in the first place so you'd come with us-- that's my job."

Deke is just shocked.

"Why.. did you do all this, Ms. Glenda?"

Glenda is trying to explain herself.

"It's my job to promote talent. Tex's act needed a boost. When I saw you perform on that stage, I knew you had something no one's ever seen."

Deke doesn't know what to say, he's hurt.. he's betrayed. He can't hide the pain that's showing in his face.

"Deke it's the night before the show. Just please do this one show."

Deke sits there, not willing to answer. He's hurting, he knows she's right though.

"You have no reason to be scared. Not anymore. I'll help you. You'll be alright."

Deke takes a deep breath and looks back at Glenda with a pain in his eyes... he's hurting and confused, he doesn't know what to say... but he trusts her.

"Ah believe you, Ms. Glenda."

He hugs Glenda as a sign that he forgives her... he understands that she's just doing her job...

Time Skip to right before the show

Deke is so nervous and afraid that he runs right to his old roadster. He speeds off... tears run down his cheek as the speedometer shoots straight up and the wind runs through his hair.

"Ah can't believe I trusted her!"

He manages to make it about 10 miles. Some cows are blocking the road and Deke swerves off the road into a grassy valley. He gets out of the car... he wants to run, scream, and yell... but now he can't, he's spent. He rests his head against the back of the car and just cries.

"She used me! She used me!"

The only thing Deke can do is just crawl under his roadster and look for damage. He sits under the car in silence, not knowing what to do with his life. He's so lost, so confused. He feels scared.

"Ah dunno where to go. I'm so alone."

A few minutes pass before a car stops nearby.

"Deke! Deke! Are you alright?!"

It's Glenda. Deke's still upset about all the lies she's told when he comes out from under his car.

"W-why are you here, Ms. Glenda?"

Glenda is feeling annoyed.

"Deke, please, I've had enough for one night. Just tell me one thing-- where did you think you were going?"

He's on the defense because he can't trust Glenda.

"I.. I don't know, Ms. Glenda. I-I-I was just tryin' to figure this all out... You were gonna come and beg me to go back to Tex, right?"

Glenda tries to save her own skin.

"I know you're upset about everything. One thing I didn't lie about, Deke, is your future. It's waiting for you on that stage in Freegate. You don't need my help anymore. You're about to make it on your own."

Deke thinks about it for a moment, he's conflicted.. he trusts Glenda deep down but he's been lied to so many times that he just doesn't have the strength to believe her... even though he wants to.

"Y-you wanna look out for yourself, not me."

Tears are still in his eyes but he's not crying anymore, he's just broken.

"You've got to go back, Deke. Stop running. All your life, you've been looking for somebody. For Mama. It's time you realized that Mama's never going to come. Grow up, Deke. You've got a job to do, to do alone."

The truth burns deep in his heart..... He realizes that he's truly alone in this world.

"Here's your contract."

She tears it up and hands it to Deke.

"I don't even want half of it. The only one you owe anything to now is yourself... and Susan, or somebody like her. You've got 15 minutes to get on that stage and find out if you've even got a future."

Deke gets back in his car and just sits in the driver's seat... contemplating whether he should go back or not... this time he's thinking it over more and he realizes what Ms Glenda means. He starts the engine and takes off in the opposite direction of Freegate going over everything that happened. Glenda drives back to the venue defeated.

"Ah just can't do this."

He says to himself. After a few minutes, he stops the car... he just feels dead inside and doesn't know what to do anymore... he thinks back to when he was a child, alone and scared. He feels lonely again, he doesn't know what to do.

"Ah'm scared. Ah'm scared, mama, Ah'm scared!"

He closes his eyes and holds his head in his hands thinking about going back to Susan, someone who truly cared for him. Susie talked about going to the top alone. She was so happy about this live show. She was going to talk on the show too.

"Susie cared bout me."

His thoughts take over his heart. He knows what he has to do, he puts the car in gear and drives back to town.

"I can't let Susie down. Not after what she did for me."

His heart is racing now. He's thinking if only he was thinking with his heart instead of thinking with his head. He doesn't want to lose what he has with Susie just because of what Glenda said. He can do this. He speeds up, he's gotta get back to town.

Time Skip to arriving to the venue

"L-ladies and gentlemen.. Ah'm sorry Ah'm late but Ah'm here now!"

The crowd cheers.

"Ah'm not sure how you feel about me.. ah just really hope you're not disappointed and can forgive me.."

The audience begins to cheer and Deke begins to think of what he has to perform. He thinks back to all the songs he's made so far. The song he wants to sing comes to his mind, he wants it perfect, he needs this.

"I will spend my whole life through Loving you, loving you Winter, summer, springtime, too…"

He's singing with his heart not just his voice. The audience is spell bound. Deke's not even thinking about Glenda or the lies he's been told, he finally has the stage and he's doing what he knows how to do, he's singing.

"They made you all head--no heart, Just head. Congratulations. The kid's a hit. I kept my promise-- I played your show, now I'm gonna keep my promise to me. Drop me a postcard."

Tex is leaving the stage says to Glenda leaving the stage. She runs over to stop him.

"Tex. Wait. We need to talk."

The song is almost over... Deke's so happy. He's done it. It's all real now. The crowd keeps cheering... the crowd loves him. The song ends... Deke sings his last note in his song and the crowd is wild. The crowd wants more.

"L-ladies and gentlemen.. Ah'm gonna do one last song."

The crowd cheers. Glenda's still backstage and tries to explain everything to Tex.

"Oh yes I've got a lot o' living to do A whole lot o' loving to do Come on baby, to make a party takes two Oh yes I've got a lot o' living to do..."

He walks around the stage like a star... there's still one song, that one song he knows he has to perform it.. it's the perfect song.. it'll make them see the true Deke, and they'll love him for who he really is.. he's going to blow them away with this one. He takes a long deep breath and starts to sing a song that the world hasn't heard yet... a song he's wrote all by himself. Glenda and Tex finish their talk. The producer, Harry comes up to Glenda about a deal.

"Settle it with Deke, Harry. I tore up our contract."

All the chaos is happening backstage. Deke's just happy he did it. He got out of the small town and is now a star. He looks to Susan and she's beaming with a huge smile. Glenda walks back in.. her eyes are shiny, she's fighting tears. She pulls out a piece of paper.

"What are your terms Deke?"

Deke just smiles.

"I just want to be myself. I don't want anyone telling me who to be. It's my name, and I'd like a say in how I'm spoken about."

A smile grows on Tex's face. He takes the pen and hands it to Deke.

"Better write all your demands down while you still can kid. Glenda's feeling charitable."

Deke quickly takes the pen and writes away. After a few seconds it's done. He hands them the written up contract. Glenda looks at it as Harry comes in.

"Are these Mr. Rivers' demands?"

Tex makes a joke about it.

"They're in writing. Ain't they?"

Everyone laughs and it brings a sense of calm to Deke.

"In that case folks, I'll send it to my lawyers. We're gonna have a great show here. You'll be hearing from them soon. Good night to you all."

Harry leaves and Deke he realizes this is his moment.. his time to claim what is rightfully his. He looks right at Susie.

"Susie. Ah got something I wanna do with you."

He gives her the most amazing kiss. She puts a hand on his face and smiles. Deke turns back to Glenda.. everyone is looking at him, he's still very nervous and he's not sure what to expect next. Glenda is looking at Tex, and Tex is looking at Deke.

"Tex. I have a deal for you, too."

Tex turns to Glenda as she kisses him. Deke looks at the both of them.

"Ah-Ah think you and I both made good deals Tex. You got Glenda. And-And I got what I always wanted: friends."

Tex laughs.

"That we did, Deke. That we did."

At that point Deke's so in love with Susie that kissing her is all that matters. There's one last glimpse of Susie and Deke's kiss as the camera pulls out and the Paramount logo is all that is in focus. The music plays on the screen and fades away into black.

[lemotmo]

Tired. Also heads up on the inbox stuff.

Q. How are you not upset or freaking out right now? This is not good in any way!!!

A. Okay so this is the last anon message I'm going to answer at least until after the episode. If you want to spiral in my inbox you are going to have to do it with your name. So for the time being anon message capability has been turned off. As for this ask, there is no part of this that is bad news in the grand scheme of things. Am I annoyed by it? Yes. Is it the laziest way to get there? Yes. But it's also objectively hilarious because he's not the one. None of this is about him. So while I am annoyed about how stupid this whole thing is, I also understand what they're doing with it. At this point I genuinely don't know how anyone can be confused by the storyline they're telling here. Episodes 9 and 10 exist in canon. They didn't occur accidentally. Buck is going to try to take an ex home to EDDIE'S house and attempt to have sex with them IN Eddie's bed. The entire thing is about Eddie. And it's objectively hilarious given who the rumored ex apparently is. The spiraling is baffling to me. They could be planning their wedding and someone somewhere would post a dooming speculation post and some of you would crash out immediately. I genuinely don't understand this pattern. Media literacy is a thing. We, and the journalists I might add, didn't invent the stuff we've been seeing since last season. Olive teased a slow burn. He teased wanting a will they/won't they. Welcome to the party people. Relax and let the story unfold. It's going one way and one way only. This part might suck but it's entirely temporary.

Thank you Nonny!

Yeah...

We haven't seen the episode yet, so I'm still cautious on whether or not these 'leaks' are true. So take all of this with a grain of salt.

First of all I owe an apology to the Nonny that came into my inbox a few days ago, talking about the exact scenario from those 'leaks' and that that might happen. I thought it was a ludicrous idea, but if this leak turns out to be true tonight, it will still be ludicrous but fact. So, wherever you are Nonny, I'm very sorry. I was wrong. It has happened before and it will no doubt happen again.😽

I agree with Ali all the way. I'm not angry, just confused by this show's insistance to continuously write up very strange scenarios when it could have been so much easier. But whatever? 🤷‍♀️

You all know that I was already convinced T would be coming back to play the last act in his plot device arc, but I didn't think the show would take it this far. I suppose Buck is having his own little crazy Vertigo moment here. It is what it is.

I'm not upset. I am going to get through whatever it is they'll show us of this very bad decision, because I know there's a light at the end of this tunnel. The man is head over heels in love with his best friend and if this is the way for him to realise it? Well, c'est la vie.

It'll all be part of buddie's 'will they won't they' romance. This truly is the slowburn to end all slowburns.

Silver lining? At least he didn't bring home someone else and we'd have to go through the whole cycle of people jumping ship going 'OMG Buck and that random woman/man' were perfect for each other. They are soulmates' phase. Better stick with the annoyance that we know than to add new unknown and unpredictable annoyances to this fandom.

Everyone should be watching this episode though. Don't let T stop you from watching and enjoying Buck's first moment of realisation in 7 seasons. Don't let T stop you from watching Buck crash out over Eddie. Don't let T stop you from exploring more strange Bobby lore. Most of all though... don't let T stop you from enjoying Aisha's directorial debut. It'll be wonderful if we could all support her as she deserves.

So I'll be sitting down tomorrow morning to watch the episode, as unspoiled as possible at this moment. I never open any social media on Friday morning and happily watch whatever story is about to unfold.

Heads up! For anyone who is giving me the shifty eyes for reposting Ali's updates instead of reblogging. Read this.

Remember, no hate in comments, reblogs or inboxes. Let's keep it civil and respectful. Thank you.

If you are interested in more of Ali’s posts, you can find all of her posts so far under the tag: anonymous blog I love.

[unsaintness]

Well yes I did come into your life but then for me to come into it, you had to come into my life first since I found you, y'know?(I'm going to stay in that inbox forever)

But this is fuuunn seeing you be pouty and cute trying your hardest to get me to come out of anonymity, just makes me fall for you even more, being so fun to tease like this<3

(once again ignoring the fact you look at them and it motivates you because now I'm flustered again)

Well I did say that I'd think about coming out of being an anon and I'll have an answer for you by tomorrow so probably by then, maybe a little longer, I guess you'll just have to wait and see hmm?^^

But silly, you already got me entranced by you. It's only a matter of time before I fall under your spell completely, though I am still resisting it<3

-⚕️

Awhh man now you're stuck inside my inbox, how it's like in there?

Mhmmm evil... I'm so much more fun off Tumblr though ^^

Is that so? Making me play the waiting game huh? Fine I will, but don't take too long... I get impatient!

Well I'm certainly looking forward to tomorrow then! I'm so sleep sighhh, hope you have a great day nonnie! I'm heading to bed now <3

(Sorry this took so long, I'm borderline falling asleep lol...)

[regular-lord-reckoner]

you know when you have a bad day but you tell yourself, "well, maybe tomorrow will be better, it has to be, right?" so you even go to bed early just to get to that better day and then it gets here and it's actually worse ?! like ten times worse ?? lol

yeah, it's been one of those

i guess my iud's still working itself out because i'm having yet another two week long sorta period where i'm not bleeding as much but i'm getting pretty much everything else, which means two weeks of pmdd now and two weeks of on and off extreme irritability and just being generally over-stimulated as fuck

this week in particular has been really hard to get through and there's like ten million things about work right now specifically that are pissing me off, but namely it's being behind on a task i'm supposed to share with someone else who i know for a fact is sending my mom tiktok videos all throughout the work day so ti's like, hey, that's awesome !! i'm no longer allowed to get overtime which is fucking killing me because i "stole company time" but i guess if you do it on site nobody cares !!! cool cool cool.

also fascinating to me that i apparently never made up for the time i "stole" when i was working off the clock and yet this particular task was never in the goddamn 300 and 400s like my inbox is every day but hey, that's fine. those are just sick patients waiting for visits, who cares ?! and who cares if you've told your manager more than once that nobody apparently knows how to mark asap and stat tasks so you often find a bunch of them just....sitting there, a week old or longer, because they're mixed in with all the regulars !! awesome, awesome, awesome

meanwhile i've been trying to find other jobs/second jobs whenever i have a spare moment except the other day it's like every job website wasn't cooperating or their search results are so scrambled by ai that you have to sift through every listing by hand because no amount of choosing "remote only" or "entry level only" does a damn thing

i did apply to one and got a little into the process but had to take a 30 minute long test that i didn't do so good on so i got rejected and then there was this other one that i thought sounded great but they want me to film myself answering interview questions ???? i just....i don't feel comfortable with that, i'd rather they just schedule me for an interview and then i can hop on camera but....alright

i'm sure something will turn up eventually and god i hope soon because i am.....struggling right now (i fucked up paying one of my credit cards and paid the wrong one instead so now i'm in trouble with discover and have to set up a payment plan with them to get back on track and it's like twice the amount of money i was already giving them a month so that's super duper; also one of my medical bills i could have sworn i had a payment plan set up with and they would just automatically take the payment out but they sent me a statement the other day saying i have a new due date and i should probably just call them and sort if out but it's been too much to deal with at the moment !! thankfully i have a little in my hsa so i figure even if i'm only making small payments at least i'm doing something; i really don't want to get turned over to collections or fuck up my credit any more than i already have. but hopefully i'll find either a better paying job or a second job i can squeeze in and take some of the pressure off. fingers crossed and good vibes appreciated and all that)

anyway, that was yesterday and then today it's been my mom. she's been...struggling pretty bad today. since before noon and pretty much all day long.

i don't really want to get into it because it involves some of her personal stuff and it's just been a lot today, but i feel so fucking drained

i think she's got an appointment coming up with a therapist, i really hope she follows through with it. if not i'm not sure what's going to happen, but i don't think it's going to be good if things continue on like this.

i know ultimately that's out of my hands but it still sucks. it sucks to watch everyone you love self-destruct in front of you and there not being a goddamn thing you can do about it except just hope they pull out of it or y'know....go to therapy

not saying it's a perfect solution or a quick fix and lord knows i'm overdue for an appointment but that'll have to wait as well until i can get my financial shit together because i've decided i do at least want to pay her back. i know it's been a while and i probably could have done it sooner if i'd just prioritized better, but i think it's the right thing to do. she did help me a lot and i appreciate that.

i also appreciate my mom, i know i'm hard on her sometimes, and my dad, but i do love them both and am grateful for them. i just wish they would both heal, not even for my sake at this point but for their own.

i was inevitably impacted by their lack of healing despite their love and i've had to sit with that for a while now. and sure, there's some part of me that does want to just say well fuck them for not being perfect parents to me and my sister and making us both have to learn how to self-soothe (clearly not well) and for forcing us to have to learn emotional intelligence on our own (also not well) but another part of me is like....hey, the shit they've been through is obviously difficult to deal with, especially for two people who came from times and place where that's just not how you handle things, you develop a sense of humor about it and keep pushing and you bring kids into this world and try to do a little better.

and they did, but....some things did kinda miss the mark. me being me, though, i just figured if nobody was going to teach me i'd try to teach myself and even if i don't get it perfect i at least try to minimize the impact i have on others

it's why i don't have many friends, it's why i'm a bit of a hermit these days and it's why i don't date

is that healthy?

no, probably not and again is something i should probably work on in therapy but in the mean time i am trying to make peace with myself and with the things i can't change and just....do whatever i need to in order to be well, even if that means i have to be even more selfish than i already am, it's either that or....i dunno. i definitely won't be the best version of myself and i don't want that.

i do want a better day tomorrow, though.

i hope i'll have one.

and i hope soon things get a little easier, somehow, some way.

sometimes i get the impressive there's this idea of me that my life's gotten better but it hasn't really, i've just tried to have a better attitude

i often hear chloe price in my head saying, "ever since my dad died my life's been dipped in shit" and that feels......pretty accurate

i'm just trying to find the good parts in between all the shit but every fucking day has been a struggle and it feels sometimes like i'm going to be stuck in this hole for the rest of my life

i really hope i get out some day

and i really hope tomorrow's a better day

and if you're reading this and it's also been a bad day or week or month or year(s) i hope it gets better for you soon, too

i know there's an ebb and a flow to all of this, ups and downs but it's felt pretty down for....years now and i'm just hoping for a chance to get my head from under the water, even if it's easier to scream down here

anyway, i'm gonna go watch something to turn my brain off and probably call it another early night

g'night <3