#Athena was able to get it by talking to the mom and getting a sample to test and they would’ve done that first rather than exhume a body

[stagefoureddiediaz]

It feels veryyyy convenient that Bobby isn’t buried in LA - I have to say - I’m more convinced than ever he’s still alive

[cherrysweather]

As long as I live.

|Pairing: Simon Blackquill x Reader| |Genre: Angst| |Words: 3.029| -----------------------------------------------

[STARTING PROGRAM...]

“Can you hear me?” “Yes, bzzt”

[UPPER LIMBS CONNECTION...]

“Move your arms”

[CHECKED]

“Good.. Now, try move your head” The woman kept writing notes on both paper and in her computer as the tiny robot answered her commands.

[CERVICAL DYNAMICS...]

“Like this?” Asked the tiny artificial beign as he rotated his head with a full 360.

The woman giggled watching the robot who began to become familiar with his body. “Exactly like that”

[CHECKED]

“Now.. Try move your body forward”

[LOCOMOTION...]

The woman freed the robot from his base, leaving him free to move, then she took some papers from her desk, the papers where she could read all the tests she had to do to the robot. Meanwhile, the subject of these test was wandering around the lab, coming, at the end, near the woman who wore that heavy, dark blue coat,

[CHECKED].

“Good, looks like you are perfectly functional pretty boy”  she patted his head and took a little box from the desk  “Now, before the last tests, do you want a name?” she asked while smiling at the tiny beign before her.

“Yes! I want a name! A beautiful one! Please mom, give me a name!”

She stopped for a few seconds before leaving free a little laugh from her mouth. “Mom you say?” she took a piece of paper and a pen, starting to think for names.  “I have a lot of names, but thinking about it, you are the realization of my dream so... Morpheco?”  she turned her head towards the robot that started to party for his new name.  “Thank you mom!” “You can search the origing of the name thanks to your brain if you want, in that way we can also make this a test” she said taking again the paper where she wrote all the results of the previous tests. “my research tells me that this name is similar to that of an ancient Greek deity, is that right?” He asks while spinning his head from one side to another doubtful “Exactly! You know, I have a sister whose name is Athena, like the Greek goddess, so I though about giving a deity’s name to you too, then the “-co” part is because you already have two sibilings and their names finish both with “-Co” so I wanted to connect you three with something” she smiled and got up from her chair, taking a box on another chair; her hands took a vial with some blood in it, returning near the robot after she unbuttoned the lowest buttons of her lab coat.

“You’re special, you know that?” her eyes pointed directly at the screen where the robot’s face was “In what way?” he asked, curious of understand why he was special “Well, if I say that I love you so much, how would you feel?” “I would feel like the happiest robot in the world!” “And if I punch you in the head?” she said and did it, but with the lowest effort in strenght “H-Hey! Of course I’d be angry at you mom! I did nothing wrong!” he patted the hitted zone “I’m sorry, but, did you know that I have a ot of superpowers?!” the woman said out of nothing, scaring at first the artificial creature “For real?! What kind of powers do you have?!” he asked like a baby, believing everything she told him “I can’t fly, turn invisible or things like that, but I can create a lot of things! Both artificially, like I did with you,  and naturally, something I’m working on” her laughs filled the phrase, stroking his head gently “But, you do have superpowers compared to other robots, you and your sibilings, and the answers you gave me are the proof of this” “My answers? So, my feelings?” she nooded “You have an heart, something that a lot of other robots don’t have, you are capable of feel emotions. This makes you more human than any other machine”

Even if they were a flat screen, the robot’s eyes were trembling with joy, not only life, but this woman gave him an heart to make him more human, a coscience of its own.

“Now! I need to tell you why you’re here and why you have this wonderful thing called “Heart”; right?” her face was deformed by one of the brightest smiles on heart, her hand pressed a button on Morpheco’s torso and opened a tiny recess where she inserted the blood vial previously taken, pressing again the button. “Your programs should be able to analyze on their own that blood, it’s a sample of my blood; instead to continue talking, I wanted to try all of your abilities”

[ANALYZING...] Blood group:0+ Red blood cells: normal White blood cells: normal Platlets: normal Beta hcCG value: 74.715 Presence of substance HE4 in blood: high

“The last two results, what are they?” Morpheco asks, confused by the new, unusual informations “You can search by yourself”

After some minutes, one of the two big answers came in

“M-Mom! I’m going to be a big brother!” he waved his hand in the air from exitment “That’s it! Isn’t it?!” “Yes! Yes it it” she laughed, trying to calm down the robot “So, you have this big belly because you have a baby in there?” his artificial hands gently touched her stomach from above her clothes “Who is the dad? I want to meet him He’s also my dad right?” “We got married a few months ago, so theoretically yes, he’s also your father. His name is Simon, Simon Blackquill and he’s a prosecutor” “And the baby? It’s a boy or a girl?” “A girl! You are going to have a little sister”

But one thing was still to clarify; that substance in her blood, so the system of Morpheco started searching automatically what that was

“M-Mom..” his bubbly and exited attitude vanished in time of one second “This substance, the HE4, it’s a protein but, it also indicates the presence of an ovarian cancer” he looked at that tiny woman as she was tightening the sleeve of her blue jacket “Yes, can’t deny that” she putted on one beautiful smile, looking at the screen on the robot’s face, resting one hand on his head

“I have an ovarian cancer, yes. I have only have three and an half months to live, yes, but I don’t want to waste them, as I don’t want to ruin my daughter’s life, so that’s why you’re alive, I need your help” she looked right in his eyes, remaining calm despite her shiny eyes “There’s no time to desperate now”

“MOM! This isn’t fair! I’m just born and you are already telling me that you are going to leave me so soon?!” his voice was shaking like the rest of his body “S-Simon- Dad, knows this? Is he helping you?” he hoped for a positive answer; he didn’t want to lose his mom so soon. “No, he doesn’t know” she sighed and took her head in one hand  “He already has his problems, this isn’t the time to share my situation with him” she watched the ring he gave her the day of their wedding, the day Simon smiled and smiled, nothing else. “Mom, just why?! You can go on a cure, you have to save yourself and sister!” but he imagined the answer ”It’s too late” “Hey, your sister will be alright, and, your aunt will help you here at the lab” she tried to talk as she wasn’t going to die without the joy, the hope of seeing her babygirl grow. “Now, could you please hear my request? The reason of why I’ve created you?” sobs came out of her mouth as she talked, noticing the nod of the robot to her words. “When I’m gone, would you please, help Simon? Would you be a friend, a brother, someone to count on for my daughter? Please..?” tears started to walk on her cheeks as she took both Morpheco’s hands in hers “This is your mission, what do you say?” a little smile came in her face as she raised her head. “Mom, I-I feel like I’m wet, inside?” “This feeling should be the equivalent of our tears, please, don’t cry, you are stronger than me, you must be”  “Yes. I will help dad, I will be a good brother and someone to count on, I will be everything my sister needs!” his sobs decorated those desperate and sad screams before his sight went blurry.

[LOW BATTERY, TURNING OFF IN 1 MINUTE]

“It seems like you have to go to sleep, thank you for everything... In these days I’ll teach you everything you want to know” she pressed te button behind the head and the screen turned off.

Morpheco was brought back to its base to recharge and as soon as she picked all her papers, Ms. Blackquill left her lab.

Bad luck.

For once, Simon came to pick her up from work and he was right outside the door, back resting on the wall and his hand on his eyes, trembling.

Her blood froze in that istant and the heart stopped for a few seconds; she wanted so much to run inside the lab again and hide herself from reality, but her body approached the man in front of her, picking his free hand. “Hey beautiful, what are you doing here?” she acted like nothing happened, trying to keep inside the tears “When were you going to tell me? When you’d be one step from the grave?” he sounded cold, but his words trembled. “You understand that someone can’t get to know these kind of informations while the direct interested is talking with a robot. With a robot and not with her husband” he hated raising his voice to her, but he was panicking.

Him, a former jailer, couldn’t see himself as a single dad. Even with the help of Aura or Athena, or that robot, he won’t be able to have the confidence needed to raise a child. She remained in silence, knowing that she had made one of the biggest error in her life if not the biggest. “I tought you’d start hating me because I stopped you from comng at the echography, that’s when I’ve discovered it... I touhgt that would be an echography like any other” “You think too much” he freed his hand from her’s, walked away, trying to make the picture of the situation. Her heart started to fall in pieces, but she wasn’t mad at Simon, he was right, she was wrong. “I’m sorry, I realize now that I should have told you sooner and of my own free will, but I have created that robot, Morpheco, so that he will be by your side when it is neede-” “I need you by my side, not a fucking robot!”

Slowly her eyes pointed down, her brain stopped thinking about answers, she just fixed her papers and went to the elevator. As if he had teleported, Simon was behind her, and he selected the ground floor to go home.

He put one hand on her belly and his forehad on her head “I’m sorry, I didn’t want to raise my voice” he cuddled slowly her big belly, feeling some movements in it “She’s still moving” he smiled and kissed her head “One last month and she won’t be there anymore, she’s enjoing her time” she laughed softly and put her hand on his, trying to free Simon from her hair. His eyes were shining with tears as he slowly began to realize everything “I don’t want to be alone again and our daughter needs a mom” “I know that more than anything, and I feel so bad for this..” she squeezed his hand with strenght, turning her head towards his chest, feeling finally protected from everything when his arm held her close. “I guess in these last months we should to get used to this future” he his once again his face in her hair, keeping her close at his body.

“I’ll go on loving you, for as long as I live.” Months passed and they brought with them a big surprise; after the birth Blackquill heir was born, the contractions continued and it came to light that between the two things that could go unnoticed on the day of the echography, that was just the presence of a second fetus, developed long after the first: born prematurely but healthy as a fish was a little boy of just under two kilos.

Just after another day in court, Simon returned home but the silence strangely reigned, but luckly, entering the bedroom found those two trublemakers asleep with their beautiful mom. “You’re home late tonight” she said once Simon sat on the bed “Why you’re awake?” he discussed with a tired voice “I don’t want to sleep tonight, I’m scared” the fluids of the drip attached to her arm continued to make noise at every drop that fell  “I feel like, if I sleep tonight, tomorrow I won’t wake up” she held the two babies in her arms, moving them gently to make them sleep “Come here” Simon’s heart began to beat wildly and tremble like a leaf as he took the three small forms in his arms “That robot turned out to be a lot more useful than I thought in these months“ he tried to avoid the direct topic right now, he could already feel the tears in his eyes “You see? I’ve made it, so of course it would have been useful” her smile did nothing but break more efficiently Simon’s heart “They’re in good hands” she cuddled both Simon’s and the babies’ faces, coughing after taking some air.

They both could feel that her life was coming to it’s end, they both weren’t ready; she didn’t want to leave her family, he didn’t want to lose the love of his life and be alone, once again.

“You know that I will love no more after you? You that were the start of my real life and my first love, first and only love” He gently pulled his fingers between her hair “You have to find someone else, someone who doesn’t keep secrets” she giggled at her own words “Shut up. You see this? This is the proof that I loved you and that I will always do, even if I won’t be able to touch your skin anymore” he said, touching the wedding ring on your finger with his’ “I only need our children and you to be happy, nothing more, “Simon... I don’t want to leave” she started crying without too much noises to not wake up the babies  “Please, keep me awake, I want to stay with you another day, I want to see the babies grow” her sobs were suffocated in his chest, as his hand slowly passed from her hair to the babies’ heads “Do you remember the first time we met? You were so cheerful, Athena was so curious and happy to be with you” “You were too much devoted to my mom, you never smiled but you were kind and sweet” she smiled between her tears, covering Simon’s body with the heavy blankets.

They continued to talk about their past together fot minutes and hours, but diseases make people tired, and her wish to stay awake slowly faded away, but thanks to Simon’s words, she didn’t even realize the fact that she was slowly falling asleep.

“Simon, you know that I love you?” her tired eyes looked towards him as she continued to cough due to her sickness “If you know it now, please don’t forget it. You will be the best father in the world even without me, you’ve been my best friend, my brother, then my partner and now my husband and father of my children, you will do fine” her smile was printed on her lips and the coughs never stopped as she talked “Please, don’t give up, keep going for them..” she took his hands and slowly pressed her lips on his. She didn’t want to ruin his life like that, she didn’t want him to feel so bad that he cried at her, she didn’t want to die, she didn’t want to see him try to keep her to himself in those childish ways, but she had zero control over the situation.

“I love you” one last wisper came out from her lips before her head fell on the pillow, asleep.

Simon watched her figure with tears in the eyes, keepig her hand in his’ and letting then himself fall into Morpheus’ arms, tired both physically and mentally.

The alarm ended Simon’s sleep, which stretched to the bedside table to turn it off. He rubbed his eyes and sat on the mattress, stretched his back and tried to wake up despite that grip that held his heart.  

“If I sleep tonight, tomorrow I won’t wake up”

His head snapped towards the other side of the bed.

His face became gloomy, he felt something inside him shatter.

She was gone. He looked at her in all her beauty, immaculate and illuminated by the morning sun; her purple lips, her eyelids closed and her hair messed on the pillow made her one of the most beautiful visions of his life, if only her body had kept her soul with it.

He then looked at his two babies, still asleep in the most peaceful sleep, in the most comfy arms.

His hand kept on holding hers, now cold like ice but still beautiful like no one else’s.

He took the babies from her arms and brought them back to their room. He hoped that she was on her feet again when he came back, but nothing.

Simon laid down next to her and brought the finger with the ring to his mouth, trembling like a scared baby, trying ro squeeze her hand with all of his strenght to make her react.

Useless.

He just stayed there, powerless and broken inside, waiting for a call from his hungry children.

“Please... Please come back...”.

-

This piece’s remake!

OK SO, this is my big debut, I’m sorry that this tourned out so damn long and maybe boring :( but I hope anyway that you all liked this “thing”, I can also write some sequels of this (shorter, OF COURSE). I hope you didn’t cried like I did :c

Now I’ll probably work on some pokemon stuff, waiting for requests uwu Luv u all! <3

[bigheartlittlewing]

I Flew Over the Cuckoos Nest

On the night of May 23rd, 2017, someone told me that I was crazy. And I told them that I don’t like being called “crazy” because I call myself that more than anyone ever will. It was a really hard moment for me. To have someone point out my biggest and most personal flaw made me feel extremely vulnerable. Clearly I know that person is correct, I am Bipolar so of course that makes me crazy. By definition.

Recently, my mental health took a dramatic turn. I’ve struggled with bipolar disorder (noticeably) since I was fifteen years old. I didn’t really understand how to manage it until I was nineteen years old.

I have this problem of going off my meds without telling my doctor beforehand. I believe I do it for one of two reasons; A, I’m tired a filling myself up with pills to keep my mood stable and I think that it’s fucking bullshit. Or B, I’M ACTUALLY HAPPY! SO I THINK I DON’T NEED MEDS AND WHEN I GO OFF OF THEM I GET VERY SUICIDAL. I FUCKED UP!

This kind of behavior and thinking is what has led me to Fairfax Behavioral Hospital…..Twice.

I’m going to talk about my most rent one and probably some other details. First and foremost, I am the one who made the decision to go back and get stabilized on medication again. I am the one that sat with my therapist, Sheila, for over two hours figuring out if I wanted to go and what I was going to do about school. I’m the one that sat there balling my eyes out about how much I wanted to kill myself. I am the one who said, “it’s like I’m a car and my gas light is on empty but I’m still trying to go up this hill. But now, I’ve finally run out of gas.” I am the one that had all of these emotions coming out of me in a time of panic.

I ended up having to drop out of Spring quarter at my college in order to go to Fairfax. I did it in time to get a one hundred percent refund, so that was smart thinking on my part. I knew that my going to Fairfax was either now or never. Dropping out of school was not an easy decision for me to make. I was terrified to tell my parents about my sudden choice. Well, sudden to them. I’m lucky that my parents are my parents. They took my decision wonderfully and were very supportive.

I smoked a joint before I checked myself in to Fairfax. I was nervous. But hopeful. I only told a couple of people I was going; my old friend, Amanda, my best friend, Athena and my sister, Liz. I wanted to keep it on the down-low, that’s why I told people that don’t live on Whidbey.

When I arrived at Fairfax, there was a FUCK ton of paperwork for me to sign and go over. And a check to write. One thousand, three hundred and ninety-four dollars for seven days in Fairfax. And that’s after my insurance covered ninety percent of the cost as a whole. The mental health care system in the United States is a fucking joke.

After all of the paper work, I was led upstairs to my unit and to a back room. I was then told to strip and put on a hospital gown. A nurse came in and asked me to remove my gown making me completely naked in front of this stranger. The nurse took notes on my body scars and marks. She noticed all of my tattoos, the scar down my right leg and the most recent cut marks on my left wrist. It was embarrassing and exposing. I was able to get dressed back in my clothes and was led out to the main area.

I was showed to my room with extra blankets and bath towels. I was in a different hallway than I was the first time I was there. A new perspective. My roommate was already asleep which made sense because it was around eleven o’ clock at night. I got into my jammies and attempted to sleep. It’s very difficult to get decent sleep at Fairfax because we have to leave the door open and there is the brightest fucking light in hallway. Also, the nurses do fifteen minute check-ups on all of the patients. They call it, “doing the rounds.” We are in a mental institution so it does make sense to check and make sure a patient isn’t dead. However, it is still fucking annoying when we’re trying to sleep.

Some nights there would be a patient screaming or having a meltdown in the middle of the night. It was scary when one of us would become suicidal or would have a panic attack. Seeing someone else crying hysterically and making a huge deal over something that’s happened to them made me feel sad and also like I wasn’t alone. It’s hard to see other people in distress because I know what that’s like.

The first night I was there I was awoken at three or four in the morning to a man needing a blood sample from me. Being poked like that was not what I want at that time of day (dirty). They just needed to see what was in my system. And all there was to see was a lot of marijuana.

I went back to sleep and then woke up at seven along with everyone else. I had gotten in late the night before so I hadn’t met anyone yet. I knew the drill because I had been to Fairfax before. I went into the main room, sat down at the big table and started to color with some of the other patients. I grabbed a picture and began coloring it in using colored pencils.

Finally, people began introducing themselves to me and I to them. That’s basically how it works at Fairfax. It’s a lot like summer camp. Close quarters, boys and girls. And yes, clicks form, people flirt, and people are there for one another.

I was really excited to finally meet my doctor. Her name was Doctor P. (Her last name was hard to pronounce). She sat with me in a private room and we talked about what was going on with me. I shared with her that I had been suicidal and self-harming for over three months and that I had gone off of my medication again. I went off that time because they stopped working for me. I was wanting to kill myself even while I was taking them regularly! It pissed me off. So I gave up. That’s how low I was.

Dr. P decides to put me back on the same medication that I went off of. I was annoyed and confused by that decision. The medications I was on are called Lithium and Lamotrigine. They are the two highest medications for treating Bipolar disorder. I told Dr. P that I didn’t want to do that. I wanted to try something new. She suggested that I take those two medications and add in a third. Great. Three medications to keep me from being crazy. Honestly, the amount of meds I was on IS what made me crazy. Well, I’ll always be crazy but the meds tone it down. This third medication is called Gabapentin and I had never heard of it before. So that’s what I did. I began taking those three medications at the med window in Fairfax.

I did not have a good reaction to my medication one day. The thing about Fairfax is that they up medication a lot more rapidly than they should. I believe they do that because patients are only there for a short amount of time. Theoretically. And they feel like they need to get us up on a high dose before they release us. I had started off on only one hundred milligrams of Gabapentin. The day it got up to three hundred milligrams was a rough one. I slept all day. I was so incredibly drowsy. I couldn’t function. I know my body so I know when something is wrong. I was able to get up from my bed and walk out to the nurse’s station to talk with one of them. I talked with Sam about how I was feeling and how everything was fuzzy and how drowsy I was. He wrote down what I was saying and told me he would alert the Charge Nurse. The Charge Nurse is the one who is in charge.

Once I was done talking with Sam I stood up and was still not feeling well. I felt very off balance. I walked over to Chris and Kayla. It was hard for me to say, “hey” to them. My voice was surprisingly quiet. Once they turned and saw me, Chris offered me a cookie and suddenly my eyes rolled to the back of my head and I collapsed. I woke up to about 15 people, patients and nurses, all around me. It was really intense and I couldn’t really recall what happened. I did know that my head hit the ground really hard.

It was a really scary situation for me to be in. When I saw Dr. P next I told her that I believed it was the gabapentin that caused that episode. I explained that I had been on lamotrigine and lithium before and nothing like that ever happened to me. She decided it would be best to stop the Gabapentin all together. I agreed.

Whenever I’m in Fairfax, I’m always the listener for the other patients. I’m always the one to ask them questions on what’s going on with them. I hear a lot of things like; “problems with work.” “problems with family.” “problems with lovers.” There were a couple of people that I was able to bond with because we were there for emotionally, the same reason. A broken heart. I was happy to know that I wasn’t alone. I was happy to know that there are other people in this world that get mentally destroyed because of someone breaking their heart.

Fairfax is basically one big zoo. Some of the patients are batt shit bonkers. They make me feel like the sanest person there. Honestly, I needed that. I needed to be reminded that there are crazier people out there than me. And boy does Fairfax do that for me. There was one guy, Dave, who believed he was a roofer by day and a bouncer by night.

There are classes and activities that we have throughout the day. The first group we have is called Goals Group. That is where we all write down how we are feeling that day and what our goal is. Goals are usually things like; “meet with my doctor.” “meet with my case manager.” “not nap as much.” “take a nap.” “call my mom.” “call my lawyer.” Things like that. After we have all written down our goals and how we are feeling, we will go around and share what we’ve written. And then, whoever the nurse was that was leading group, would go over all the rules of Fairfax. Patients that had been there for a while would chime in on what the rules were.

After goals group we have some free time until recreational therapy. Free time is usually filled by coloring more pictures, talking with other patience and watching TV. Once rec. therapy starts, we are told what we are doing. While I was there we played ping-pong, painted our nails, made beaded bracelets and we even colored fuzzy posters. I still have mine and I am so proud of it. It’s on my cork board as I type.

Once rec. therapy was over, sometimes we would have yoga or just free time until lunch. There’s something called CP which stands for cafeteria privileges and if you have CP then you can go down to the cafeteria. It took me a couple of days to get my CP’s. In order to get them you have to get the “OK” from your doctor. That “OK” basically means a patient is safe enough to leave the unit. My unit was called West 2 because it’s the west part of the hospital and it’s on the second floor.

I liked going down to the cafeteria because it got me out of the unit and away from the crazier patients on my unit. I made this group of friends and we were almost always together. It was Kayla, Chris, Lisa and myself. We called ourselves the Power Rangers. To this day we have a texting group chat. I really got connected to Kayla. She reminded me of myself and we ended up spending a lot of time together while in Fairfax. We’ve even hung out a couple of times outside of the loony bin. She’s amazing.

Chris liked to sit with his back against a wall in the cafeteria. He is an ex-army man and has been through a lot of shit. He doesn’t like being sneaked up on. Lisa has PTSD from being kidnapped and raped when she was thirty-one years old. She also struggles with her sexuality…. at fifty something years old. Everyone in that place has a dark past and that past led us to a mental institution.

The thing about being in the cafeteria is that other units would be eating with my unit. That meant that the schizophrenics and the violent people would be in there. Granted, they had to have their CP’s so that means that their doctor believed that they were safe enough to be around other patients. We sat with people from our same unit and everything went fine. The food was surprisingly decent. The cooks did a good job for us.

After lunch was over and we were back on West 2, we had some time before our next activity. Every once in a while an actual psychologist would come in and teach a class. That was always my favorite and there were only a few people that took it seriously, I am included in that. Most times we would have a rec. therapy option again. One time a girl came in and played her guitar and we all sang along with her. There were also times when we would go down to the gym and play volley ball.

My favorite thing about the gym is that there was one of those rainbow parachutes that had handles on them and we would hang on to the handle and throw it up and down. I used to love those as a kid and I still do! I’m the one that asked everyone to do it with me and they did because they could sense my excitement.

Evening goals group would happen and we would share if we completed our goal or not. We would also answer a question like, “if you had a super power what would it be?” or “What’s your favorite movie?” Things like that. And then it would be dinner time!

Once dinner was over, we had no classes or groups to go to. Most patients used that time to either color or nap. That’s really all there was to do. Sometimes at night we would put on a DVD. We watched a couple of good ones; The Blind Side and the 40 Year Old Virgin. All of the patients would hang out with each other. And it was very comforting.

Most of the patients would be wearing hospital gowns from being in a hospital prior to being transferred to Fairfax in an ambulance. That was me the first time I went to Fairfax back in 2015. Some of us would have our regular clothes. I did because I drove myself there so I was able to pack before I left for Fairfax. Other patients might have had a parent or friend bring them clothes during visiting.

Visiting was hard for me. Both of my parents came one night and all it did was give me anxiety. It was mainly my dad. See, he likes to lay everything out on the table then and there. My plans about school, working for them, how we can afford something like Fairfax again. All things that were very hard for me to process. All the things I wasn’t prepared to talk about. Thank god visiting was only an hour. Barb did her best to keep my dad staying positive and calm. It’s a task at that.

My parents weren’t mad at me for going back to Fairfax. When I talked with my mom after Sheila had called her and told her what was going on, my mom said, “we’re always in your corner, no matter what.” I needed to hear that. I love my parents so much.

While I’m briefly on the subject of my parents I’d just like the record to show the reason I don’t kill myself is because of them. I could never kill myself because they are the best people in the world and me taking that action would fuck up the rest of their lives. I couldn’t do that.

Alright, back to my time in Fairfax. I love it there because it has saved my life. It is also the only place I can go to feel like an actual person…. Where I feel like the least craziest person in the joint. It’s a small unit and its maximum capacity is thirty-four patients. While I was there, it was almost always at maximum capacity. So many people in the loony bin. It was overwhelming and hard for me to get a moment to myself. I would attempt to do that in my room by writing in my journal or reading my book.

Many times the Power Rangers and myself would sit together and color. I worked on a lot of art while I was there. I’d always get distracted by a new picture to color that I would forget about the one I had already started. Life of a person in a mental institution. Some of the patients were able to finish a full picture. I was one of those people, yes. I believe I had mentioned my fuzzy poster earlier. Super stoked about it.

While we would be coloring, we’d discuss our lives and things we’ve been through. We all really got to know each other and I’m pretty sure that they kept me sane throughout my time there.

I’ve been talking with Chris a lot over the past couple of days. He went through some tough events with his doctor dramatically changing his medication. So bad that he ended up back in Fairfax for another week.

I do my best to stay connected to the Power Rangers because we all know what it’s life to struggle with mental illness. So bad that we land ourselves in a mental institution, and not for the first time either. We understand each other and we care.

The fact that I felt so bad that I dropped out of school, which is the most important thing for me, and decided to check myself back into Fairfax, really shows how awful I felt. I will never be a normal person, whatever normal means. I will always and forever struggle with mental illness. I go back and forth of being accepting of it and mad at it.

I’m well aware that I am who I am, and I can’t apologize for it because I can’t do much about it. All that I can do is take my medication and hope for the best. I can also treat people as I want to be treated. It usually ends up with me being the bigger and nicer person. Usually to people that don’t deserve it. I think that sometimes I can be a bit of a pushover. And that bothers me sometimes.

I’ve been working on being more assertive with people. Meaning I’m more direct with people about their behavior if I don’t like it. It’s an uncomfortable thing because nobody likes being told the word, “no”. Sometimes it needs to be said.

I’m really learning that life is a journey and I’m working on doing more things for myself. Such as writing this paper. Writing is healthy and I need to do it more often. I wish I could have written all of this out on paper but I knew that my typing would get the job done sooner. My brain goes a million miles an hour and this is an important subject. I wanted to make sure that I gave this story the light it needs to have and the light it deserves.