#But the relevant half needs the context from the irrelevant half

[flying-paupers]

Guys, ik the rwrb movie glossed over some things in the book and made a few changes. But it's actually still really cute and it's queer rep. And tbh I'll take what I can get at this point.

The number of people who have told me to label myself or not accepted my label or lack of. It's annoying and ignorant and hurtful.

I don't need queer representation with hardships and things. I'd like some cutesy mindless gay fluff. And that's completely okay, good even. I'm not here for the plot.

And I like being told that the B in LGBTQ isn't silent. Some people need reminding.

[sthilarions]

Okay I’m never gonna write the fic that is written in my ideas file as “save a horse ride a cowboy/he thinks my tractor’s sexy”

I’m never gonna write it so it’s irrelevant that Edwin grows heritage crops and is at the cutting edge of small-scale organic farming techniques, he’s listed as a co-author on a dozen different papers, which he worked on while sitting perched in the raised bucket attachment of the aforementioned tractor

it’s not relevant that Charles kept coming by on his horse and interrupting him, standing up on the saddle to get his head roughly level with Edwin’s to ask him about what he was doing (and not at all to impress him obviously of course)

no reason to mention that Charles ended up as a co-author on a paper, the BA standing out in the list

or that Charles’s horse has gotten very used to being ground-tied next to Edwin’s tractor so his rider can hop up on the bucket next to some weird human

or that the next paper they co-author, Charles’s name has an MS, which didn’t even take him longer than two years to get even though he was doing it long-distance, which he says is because he had a lot of free time to work on stuff while out sitting by bob-wahr fences under beating sun making his eyes dance, and curled up in the back of his F-150 under the stars. it was probably easier for him than most people, he says, if asked, with a loose grin

And it definitely doesn’t matter that the next paper after that, he and Edwin have the same last name.

(The cowboy church* that Charles went to for social reasons refused to let them marry there, which they’d expected but Charles felt it was the right thing to do to ask anyway, but that was alright, because the pastor, Charlie, went rogue and agreed to officiate for them outside of the church, so they got married out on Edwin’s back 40, the ranch dogs and farm cats running around under the feet of the half dozen guests, the other weirdos in the area, and the fiddler played til dawn)

*Cowboy churches are a real thing, this is not a joke.

Another bit of relevant cultural context is that none of the cowboys I grew up with had four year degrees. That Charles starts out with a BA means that while he’s under-credentialed for an academic setting, he’s simultaneously already over-educated for his own cultural context, and probably spends a lot of time getting mockingly called “professor” by his ‘friends’ and remembering not to use overly fancy words and so forth.

Also he probably tries to avoid Zoom calls because having a noticeably rural accent around academics is Fraught, he checks his emails twice to make sure he hasn’t typed ‘y’all’

I am not writing this and I therefore do not know that Charles’s MS is from A&M, which is both the best university for his field and so virulently homophobic that I have a lot of acquaintances who had to drop out from there specifically because of that, and that the co-authored papers were on the topic of using animals for sustainable agriculture, like using Lacewings to manage aphids, and goats to manage invasive flora; Charles's knowledge of animal husbandry and Edwin's knowledge of sustainable agriculture meeting in the middle

If I were actually writing this as a fic, I’d mention things like the instability and draconian download caps of HughesNet that mean if Charles needs to download a big file like a recorded lecture he has to set an alarm for 3AM to download it during the unthrottled grace hour; the laptop running out of charge out in that truck bed, Charles using money he doesn’t have to buy a converter so he can charge it off the F-150

how he was doing homework under the stars not because it’s romantic but because if he gets out of the cab and parks on top of the tallest hill he might be able to get line of sight to a tower and hotspot off his phone (and worry about the bill later); about how he can only work for brief periods at a time during the day because the sun will make his laptop overheat, how he keeps an ice chest full of Nordic Ice in the back seat of the truck not just for water but so he can pop his laptop in there to cool it down; how he overclocks that shitty laptop making it run data analysis in R; how he rations his gas so he can turn on the AC once in a while and charge his laptop and still be able to drive home.

How Charles and Edwin started carpooling for the hour-long drive each way to the grocery store for the monthly stock of jugs of bottled water, that they need because the leaky water pipes they and their neighbors maintain themselves (because no government or corporate guy is gonna come out there) run under cow pastures and pesticide-laced fields and septic tanks and the tap water isn't safe even boiled, and they use the couple of hours in the truck to bounce ideas off each other, a laptop balanced on the truck's center console, pausing only to touch their hats when they pass another truck.

…but I’m not writing it, so.

[thirdmagic]

the thing is that like. queer rights shouldnt even be the hot topic that they are in any of these discussions, because they are rarely ever relevant in the context they are brought up in. as far as social issues go we all live in glass houses no matter which culture we're from. not a single one of our societies, that any of us live in, has solved the issue of homophobia, or sexism, or any discrimination. none. none of us get to tell the other 'your society is worse than mine' and have that be anything but condescending posturing. absolutely none.

and no, there is not a single person who deserves death or is culpable for the crimes of their society just by virtue of being born in it. i should hope that goes without saying but the past month and a half have proven otherwise. every single innocent person deserves to be free of the horrible cycle of violence we're caught in. no state crimes, no amount of human rights violations, make the death of unrelated innocents justifiable, in any context, and i mean in any context.

but do you know why this gets brought up. because of you fucking westerners who keep projecting this idea that israel embodies every single colonialist evil you can think of, but it's the colonialist evils of your countries and your societies that you have guilt about, that you are familiar with personally. and you project every single social cause that you personally are invested in onto the palestinian cause instead of listening to them, instead of actually trying to understand what work is required to actually help them and what they actually need, because you project this idea of the socialist queer liberators that you want to be onto every single movement that is remotely anti-western or anti-american. and it's honestly really embarrassing but also shows your ignorance about those societies.

and i frankly think that bringing up homophobia in either gaza or the west bank (for purposes that aren't raising awareness, which, it usually isn't) as a gotcha is both extremely tasteless and totally irrelevant most of the time and just serves to delay the conversation and also, again, is not a judgement any of us from the outside get to make, and doesn't make their deaths any less tragic or any more deserved. and i would say the same about the homophobia in israeli society that i am well familiar with, as a queer person who lives here and is stuck in the more conservative parts of the country. but it gets brought up as a counter to the false narrative coming from westerners and constantly spread around- this narrative that this is a fight between one society that's a perfect haven of queer liberation and one society that is nothing but homophobic evils, and that the society that's full of homophobic evils has no innocents in it. because it is not true. not for any of us.

we are not a cartoon bad kingdom and a cartoon good kingdom. we are two equally complex, versatile societies with their own complex histories and things to work through, and your dichotomic thinking simply cannot seem to process this idea. that's why the arguments on queer rights in either of these countries get drawn in. to point out what what you are presenting simply is not factually true and is a simplification of a much more complex reality, which is kind of the pattern in this discourse in general.

i just don't think it's an argument worth having because it's besides the point in the first place, and the point is that none of us deserve violence, none of us deserve to die, and none of us are culpable for the governments playing power games between each other at our expense.

[creepedverse]

We need talbin lore dump so fuckin badd

I GOTCHUUUU. Heres the entire TalBin Lore. INSANELY LONG POST WARNING LMAOOO. Also for future reference, anything Talbin related that isnt directly relevant to Creepedverse/Farnbury plot shit should be asked on my main account @necroromantics so we dont flood the Creepedverse account with irrelevant stuff

-They met in high school (they were 16yrs old), in a shitty small town in North Dakota. They first encountered each other in the office in the first week of school; Tobin was in trouble for talking back to a teacher, and Tali was there for a course change. The two stubborn piece of shit trashy kids just sat there glaring at each other cuz neither of them knew how to back down LMAO

-Then they found out they shared an English class. Last period. They sat right next to each other.

-I dont know if yall know this, but Tobin was practically illiterate back in high school, due to him being in and out of school his entire life he was very behind on education. He was horrible at even basic math, spelling, reading. So he struggled a LOT in his English class to the point he dropped out again, only to go back a month later after his grandma pushed him, and told him to find a tutor

-He noticed early on that despite being countrygirl trailer trash, loud-mouthed and rude, Tali was pretty well-read. She kept to herself a lot, didnt really have any friends or got on with anyone, so it was mostly the grades she got back that made Tobin decide she was gonna be his tutor. Plus, he already had an interest in the challenge of befriending her anyways

-It took him a fuck ton of harassment and being an all around annoying nuisance in order to finally get Tali to cave and agree to tutor him. At her place after school every Wednesday, he has to pay up in cigarettes and $20 first. This arrangement of theirs was how they got to know each other properly in the first place

-At first it was Tali and Tobin sitting across this old wooden dining room table of hers, her father worked on the road so he was never home. She started off just getting frustrated with Tobins arguing and stupidity, theyd sorta just bicker and fight with each other over him not focusing, or listening, or understanding. He didn't know half the shit that was being asked of him, and he didn't know how to take it seriously

-It was when he talked back to her asking how the fuck he doesn't know what "coincidence" meant, he told her "Fuck I dunno, I was barely in school", and it finally clicked for Tali that he wasnt stupid, he really wasn't, he just had a bad start.

-So she went to the library and picked out low reading level books, and next Wednesday, she had him pick one out, and they read together. After that, Tali would start to really listen to the way that boy talked about things, like taking apart bikes and putting them back together, or the logistics of buying/weighing/flipping weed for profit, street smarts, people smarts

-And they started arguing less, and laughing together more. Theyd talk to each other in the hallways, and even had each others numbers. They became friends, though neither of them would admit it.

-Soon, Tobin would start coming over on days other than Wednesday, just for a place to crash. He never really wanted to be home, and Tali never really asked him why. She didn't mind having him over, in all honesty she started to enjoy it, and Tobin would always consider her place a safe space of sorts, someone he could rely on, somewhere to get away from shit.

-Eventually, he started spending the night there too whenever he got kicked out, or ran away. Tali would always let him in. Eventually, she trusted him enough to sleep in her bed, after he got her home after a party they drank too much at. Now for context, in highschool, Tali had a false reputation of being an absolute whore. Like rumours from girls who hated her, or guys she'd hurt the ego of, saying she'd sleep around, or that she was easy, or that she'd get drunk and sleep with a bunch of guys. Easy humiliation, and neither Tali nor Tobin listened to the rumours. So knowing that this boy, who she almost considered her best friend, would go out of his way to make sure she got home safe, the same way she'd make sure he'd get away from his home safe. She really did start to trust him, and he never broke it, and he trusted her too

-Tobin liked Tali a lot, sure, but he was never interested in anything more. Partially because he knew if he caught feelings for a girl who threatened him if he ever caught feelings, itd be over. He was perfectly fine keeping shit strictly platonic, even when they layed together, or when they started to hold hands.

-Even when she asked him if he's ever kissed someone before, and he said no, and she asked him if he wanted to. And he said no.... LMAO. He thought it was a test or something. He was sitting on her bed like FUUUUUCKFUCCK but its ok Tobin grew a pair and kissed her and they still kept things... Platonic... But... Theyd very much treat each other like a couple yknow. But they were both waaayy too prideful to admit it was anything beyond just being close friends

-But eventually Tobin would start coming to her place drunk, high, or both, more often than not. He'd show up every Wednesday like always, but he'd end up falling asleep at the table, or be so fucked up with booze and pills that he was practically unresponsive anyways. For awhile, Tali didn't care to, or want to, be on his ass about it. She let him sleep, she let him come to her whenever he needed

-It became a problem when they started really, genuinely fighting. They would have petty arguments or banter or piss each other off all the time, but they never actually fought in ways that hurt that much. Tali would say things that hurt his ego, and Tobin would try to tear her down. Theyd start yelling at each other, insulting each other. They were fucked up kids who lived fucked up lives going through fucked up things. And all they really knew was how to hurt each other, and then pretend like nothing happened cuz they couldnt lose each other no matter how hard they tried

-Tali eventually banned Tobin from coming around her when he was fucked up, and he listened. He came around a lot less, even missing Wednesday tutor nights sometimes, but he never fully left yknow. On the days he'd show up at school, he'd be trying to make up to Tali for pissing her off last night, or bugging her to get her to laugh at one of his shitty jokes. And she'd let him in every time. In all honesty, she couldn't ever really truly hate him

-It was Tobin who realized he caught feelings first, they were sitting on her bed and she laughed and water came out of her nose, and she laughed harder, and Tobin couldnt even laugh too cuz he was just sitting there feeling that heavy fondness in his chest, he couldnt do anything but stare at her and smile at how beautiful she was. And the moment the word "love" came into his head he was immediately like OH FUCK. It was something he immediately shoved alllll the fucking way down. He couldnt imagine her ever actually liking him back, or agreeing to be his. Tali was always very very vocal about her independence, how she would never be anyones but hers, how she hated guys, she hated the idea of romance, she hated cliches. And he was fine with that, he was fine with just being her best friend.

-Tali ended up realizing she had feelings for him after the most torturous month or so of him pulling away from her, and getting heavy into drugs/drinking again. He ended up getting into a fight with his dad, and he was fucked up on pills again, but he stumbled to her place at night, he didnt know where else to go. Despite her rules, she let him in. And he didnt fight, or argue, she just let him wash up, and climb into bed with her. Tali realized that she really would do anything for him, and just how much she cared for him. She wanted him to always choose to come to her, she wanted to listen to him ramble, and she liked him sober more than anything

-It was Tobin who said "I love you" first. And Tali slapped the shit out of him LMAOOO Cuz they were having a really bad fight and he said it sorta as a last ditch effort and she was like Do NOT fuckin' say that to me!!!! And he was like FUCK WHATEVER And then he kept going. And Tali realized like Oh shit he actually loves me hes not just fucking with me Lmao. Yada yada they hugged and made up

-They started dating about a year after they met, and it was literally a result of Tobin harassing her into saying yes. He was so fucking annoying about it Tali was just like FUCK FINE! WHATEVER! And their first date was sparring. They just met up. And beat the fuck outta each other. Cuz Tobin knew she hated cliches and loved MMA so fuck it why not

-Then about half a year after they started dating, Tali called Tobin to tell him she accidentally killed her brother. So Tobin did the logical thing. And blew his dads brains out with a shotgun. And they took Tali's dads truck and ditched town. They were 17 at this point, almost 18.

-They ended up in Louisiana after this, crashing in motels and shelters or really wherever. Literally all they had left was each other, and Tobin made a promise he'd never leave Tali. It was them against the world. They got promise rings around this period too, Tobin has the sun, Tali has the moon. Tali also got her snakebite piercings here too

-Eventually Tobin got enough cash selling drugs, and eventually guns/things he stole/etc, and Tali would job hop trying to make whatever she could to get by. They had to stay on the downlow as much as possible though. But they got a cheap, sketchy, small apartment together and lived in the city for awhile. This is when they went from being dumb kids with stupid issues, to adults with really heavy shit on their plates

-But it was always them together. They'd have really fucking brutal fights, even worse than in high school. Theyd scream so loud at each other, Tali would storm out, Tobin would break shit, Tali would throw plates at him. They got to a point where it was almost always fighting, breaking up, making up, tearing each other down, hurting each other. Tobin got really involved with the drug/crime scene in the city, befriending this other junkie named Skinner. They were real close for awhile, and Skinner practically taught Tobin all the ropes of arms and narcotics dealing. Tobin got into serious shit, and was making serious money

-And it put a serious strain on his relationship with Tali, especially when he started to get more and more afraid of committing to her. And so they broke up, and Tali kicked Tobin out, and he stayed with Skinner, and it just wasnt them against the world anymore. And my god did it hurt

-They completely cut contact, this time they were both sure they finally were done for good. Tobin wouldnt be sober for even a day, always drinking or getting high, fucking around with some girl he knew cuz they both wanted a rebound, but never being able to take it seriously or really do anything cuz god he just missed Tali so much, and he learned so quickly that nobody compares

-Tali spent her time waitressing at a small diner she was pretty sure was a laundering scheme but didnt give a fuck to think about it. She didnt talk to anyone, she just held her breath every day trying not to grieve. And she'd try not to break into tears at night when she realized her boy wouldnt come home and crawl into bed with her. She missed him so much, every day, for that month and a bit.

-And then Tobin found himself in some sketchy apartment, so fucked up on downers he couldn't even think, and he didnt even realize that Skinner had overdosed and died right there by him. He didnt call 911 in time, and when the paramedics arrived, he called the one person he knew he could rely on. Tobin was even too fucked up to realize what he had done, until he saw Tali pull up to the curb he was sitting on, and get out of the car, and sat next to him

-The ride back to their apartment was quiet. Everything for Tobin was slow, buzzing, and silent. And Tali was just happy he was safe. She got him into the house, and he didnt say a word as he laid down with her in bed, and she kissed the top of his head, and he quietly muttered that he loved her, and he missed her, and he needed her. And she whispered that she loved and missed him too, and they fell asleep.

-She let him sleep in that morning and when he woke up he didnt tell her what happened, and she didnt ask. He just hugged her, and she hugged him back. And from that point on they got back together and Tobin cut back on his drug use, and they agreed to ditch the city and start fresh somewhere else

-During that transition period from Louisiana and to Farnbury, about a month or so, Tobin and Tali were very dedicated to making it work between them. They knew just how fucking badly it hurt when they left, they knew how good it felt to be back together, they knew that nobody else compared, that it was always just going to be them. They were best friends, partners in crime, it was them against the world. Theyd be patient with each other, they'd communicate, theyd love each other without any restraint. Tobin would work so hard to make sure his girl knew she was loved, to make sure she knew he'd always come home to her when he went out. And Tali would always defend him, have his back, be there when the world would turn its back on him.

-They werent those dumb reckless kids that were best friends in highschool anymore, but they still had each other. And they would for the rest of their lives. Happily ever after fr.

[rathcoremarketing]

What's Happening to SEO? 8 SEO Trends for 2025

🔄 Updated 2/26/2025

🕓 8-Min Read

🦘 Section Jumper

Optimize for E-E-A-T Signals

AI Overview and SEO

Forum Marketing and SERPs Updates

Is Traditional SEO Still Relevant

Zero-Click Searches

Map Pack and Local Heat Maps

Voice and Mobile Search Optimization

What's Better for AI: BOFU or TOFU Content?

Let’s call it what it is —SEO isn’t some clever marketing hack anymore; it’s now a battlefield where the rules change faster than your morning coffee order. And if you’ve been patting yourself on the back for nailing your SEO strategy, look, those same strategies might already be obsolete. Yeah, that’s how fast the game is flipping.

For years, we’ve been told that backlinks and keywords were the golden tickets. And now?

Gen Z is asking TikTok instead of Google, search engines are reading context like a nosy detective, and over half of all searches don’t even bother clicking on anything.

Welcome to SEO trends for 2025—a world where your next competitor might be an AI tool, a 3-second video, or even Google itself deciding to hoard its users.

1. Optimize for E-E-A-T Signals

There’s no nice way to say this: if your content isn’t radiating credibility, Google probably isn’t interested.

Now comes E-E-A-T—Experience, Expertise, Authoritativeness, and Trustworthiness. While it sounds like a mouthful, it’s the compass guiding Google’s ranking algorithm in 2025. If your content strategy ignores these signals, you're handing over your traffic to someone else—no questions asked.

What Is E-E-A-T, and Why Does It Matter?

E-E-A-T isn’t just some buzzword for digital marketing geeks to toss around at conferences. It’s Google’s way of separating the wheat from the chaff. Experience means real-world insights. Expertise ensures your content doesn’t sound like it’s written by an intern on their first day. Authoritativeness demands recognition from your industry.

And trust?

Well, it’s the silent decider—get it wrong, and everything else crumbles.

For content optimization in 2025, ignoring E-E-A-T signals means you’re throwing darts blindfolded. Google’s updates now measure not just what you say, but why anyone should care. And here’s the thing: thin content and anonymous authors are SEO death sentences.

How to Nail E-E-A-T (and Stay Ahead of the Latest SEO Trends)

Experience

Share specific, actionable knowledge. Generic advice doesn’t cut it anymore.

Example: A blog about SEO trends shouldn’t vaguely define "SEO"—it should delve into zero-click searches or multimodal search backed by real-world data.

Expertise

Feature qualified authors or contributors. Link their credentials to their content. Google actually checks authorship, so anonymous content only screams "spam."

Authoritativeness

Earn backlinks from reputable sites. Don’t fake authority—Google sees through it.

Trustworthiness

Secure your site (HTTPS), include proper sourcing, and avoid clickbait titles that don’t deliver.

The Hard Truth about E-E-A-T

E-E-A-T is the foundation for content optimization in a post-2024 world. The latest SEO trends show Google’s focus isn’t just on keywords but on the credibility of your entire digital presence.

It’s no longer enough to rank; you need to deserve to rank.

2. AI Overview and SEO

Artificial Intelligence is practically running the show. In 2025, AI isn’t a gimmick; it’s the brains behind search engines, content creation, and the unspoken secrets of what ranks. If you’re still crafting strategies without factoring in AI, here’s the harsh truth: you’re optimizing for a version of the internet that’s already irrelevant.

How AI Is Reshaping SEO

AI has transcended its “future of marketing” tagline. Today, it’s the present, and every search marketer worth their salt knows it.

Let’s break it down:

AI-Driven Search Engines

Google’s RankBrain and Multitask Unified Model (MUM) are redefining how search intent optimization works. They analyze context, intent, and semantics better than ever. Gone are the days when sprinkling keywords like fairy dust could boost rankings. AI demands relevance, intent, and, let’s be honest, better content.

Automated Content Creation

Tools like ChatGPT and Jasper are churning out content faster than most humans can proofread. The catch is, Google’s Helpful Content Update is watching—and penalizing—low-quality AI spam. Automated content might save time, but without a human layer of expertise, it’s a one-way ticket to obscurity.

Smart Search Predictions

AI isn’t just predicting what users type—it’s analyzing how they think. From location-based recommendations to real-time search trends, AI is shaping results before users finish typing their queries. This makes AI SEO tools like Clearscope and Surfer SEO essential for staying competitive.

Google AI Overview SERP: The New Front Door of Search

What Makes Google AI Overview SERPs Stand Out?

Generative AI Summaries In late 2023, Google started rolling out generative AI summaries at the top of certain searches. These provide quick, digestible answers pulled from the web, cutting through the noise of lengthy pages. It’s fast, convenient, and often the first (and only) thing users see. Pro Tip: Structure your content to directly answer questions concisely while retaining depth. Think FAQ sections, bullet points, and clear headers.

Visual Enhancements Google AI Overview SERPs now integrate rich visuals, including images, charts, and interactive elements powered by AI. These upgrades aren’t just eye-catching; they drive engagement. Pro Tip: Optimize images with alt text, compress them for speed, and ensure visual assets are relevant and high-quality.

Personalization on Steroids Google’s AI doesn’t just know what users want—it predicts it. From personalized recommendations to local search enhancements, SERPs are more targeted than ever. Pro Tip: Leverage local SEO strategies and schema markup to cater to these hyper-personalized results.

Adapting to Google AI SERPs

Aim for Snippet Domination: Featured snippets are now more important than ever, with AI summaries pulling directly from them. Answer questions directly and succinctly in your content.

Invest in Topic Clusters: AI thrives on context. Interlinking detailed, related content helps your site signal authority and relevance.

Optimize for Real Intent: With AI interpreting user queries more deeply, addressing surface-level keywords won’t cut it. Focus on intent-driven long-tail keywords and nuanced subtopics.

The Bottom Line

Google’s AI Overview SERP is the digital gateway to visibility in 2025. If your strategy isn’t aligned with these changes, you risk becoming invisible. Adapt your content to meet the demands of AI-driven features, and you’ll not just survive—you’ll thrive in this new SEO frontier.

What This Means for Your Strategy

AI-Assisted Content: Use AI for efficiency, but let humans handle creativity and trust-building.

Search Intent Optimization: Focus on answering deeper, adjacent questions. AI rewards nuanced, contextual relevance.

Invest in Tools: Tools like SEMrush and Ahrefs now integrate AI-powered insights, helping you stay ahead.

Look, artificial Intelligence in SEO isn’t an edge—it’s the standard. By 2025, marketers who don’t adapt will find their strategies in a digital graveyard. AI doesn’t replace your expertise; it amplifies it. Use it wisely—or get left behind.

3. Forum Marketing and SERP Updates

Platforms like Reddit, Quora, and niche communities are silently reshaping SEO and slipping into prime real estate on search engine results pages (SERPs). For marketers obsessed with the usual Google ranking factors, ignoring community-driven content could be the blind spot that costs you big.

Why Forums Are Influencing SERPs

Content Depth

Community-driven content is often nuanced, answering long-tail questions that traditional blogs barely skim. For instance, a Quora thread titled “Best local SEO strategies for small businesses in 2025” isn’t just generic advice—it’s specific, diverse, and sometimes brutally honest.

Searcher Intent Alignment

Forums directly address search intent optimization by catering to niche queries. Whether it’s “How to rank for hyper-local searches” or “Why my Google Business profile isn’t showing up,” forums deliver precise, user-generated insights.

Fresh Perspectives

Unlike stale, regurgitated SEO articles, forums thrive on updated discussions. A Reddit thread on “latest SEO trends” could become the top result simply because it offers real-time relevance.

What Marketers Need to Do

Engage, Don’t Spam

Build credibility by genuinely contributing to forums. Overly promotional comments are a fast track to being ignored—or worse, banned.

Monitor Trends

Tools like AnswerThePublic and BuzzSumo can identify trending community topics. Use these to create content that aligns with user discussions.

Optimize for SERP Features

Structure blog content to mimic forum-style Q&As. Google loves direct, conversational formats.

Ignoring the surge of forum content is no longer an option. So, don’t get left behind watching Quora outrank your site—adapt now.

4. Is Traditional SEO Still Relevant?

The debate is as old as Google itself: does traditional SEO still matter in a world where AI is taking over and search engines are rewriting the rules of engagement?

Traditional SEO Techniques That Still Work

Link Building (Reimagined)

Backlinks still matter, but Google has become savvier about quality over quantity. A link from an authoritative site in your niche outweighs ten random backlinks from irrelevant sources. Focus on building relationships with industry leaders, writing guest blogs, or getting cited in high-quality articles.

On-Page Optimization (Evolved)

Forget sprinkling keywords mindlessly. Google now prioritizes user experience SEO, meaning your headings, meta descriptions, and URLs need to align with search intent. Want to rank? Structure content logically, use descriptive titles, and, for goodness’ sake, stop overloading every tag with keywords.

Local SEO Strategies

Hyper-local searches like "coffee shops near me" are driving significant traffic. Traditional techniques like Google Business Profile optimization and consistent NAP (Name, Address, Phone) info still dominate here. What’s changed? You need to engage actively with reviews and ensure your profile reflects real-time updates.

Techniques That Need an Update

How to Adapt Traditional SEO in 2025

5. Zero-Click Searches

Now, let’s address the elephant on the search results page: zero-click searches. They’re not a trend anymore—they’re the new standard. With over 65% of Google searches ending without a click in 2020, search engines are clearly keeping users on their turf. They’re not just gatekeepers of information; they’re now the landlords, decorators, and sometimes the dinner hosts, offering all the answers upfront. And for businesses, this means rethinking how success in SEO is measured.

The Impact on SEO

Shift in Metrics

Forget obsessing over click-through rates. The latest SEO trends demand focusing on visibility within the SERP itself. If your business isn’t occupying rich result spaces, you’re effectively invisible.

Search Intent Optimization

Google isn’t just guessing user intent anymore—it’s anticipating it with precision. To stay relevant, businesses need to answer why users are searching, not just what they’re searching for.

Authority Consolidation

Zero-click features favor high-authority domains. If your brand isn’t seen as a credible source, you’re not making it into that snippet box.

How to Optimize for Zero-Click Searches

Target Featured Snippets

Structure your content with clear, concise answers at the top of your pages. Use lists, tables, and bullet points to cater to snippet formats.

Utilize Schema Markup

Help search engines understand your content by adding structured data. This boosts your chances of landing in rich results.

Focus on Hyper-Specific Queries

Zero-click searches thrive on niche, long-tail questions. Create content that directly addresses these to increase visibility.

What It Means for Businesses

In the world of zero-click searches, SEO success is about dominating the SERP real estate. Businesses that fail to adapt will find themselves in a no-click graveyard, while those who master rich results will cement their place as authority figures. Either way, the clicks aren’t coming back.

So, are you ready to play Google’s game—or be played?

6. Map Pack and Local Heat Maps

The truth is, if your business isn’t showing up in Google’s Map Pack, you might as well not exist for local customers. The Map Pack is literally the throne room of local SEO, and in 2025, it’s more competitive than ever. Pair that with Local Heat Maps—Google’s not-so-subtle way of telling businesses where they rank spatially—and you’ve got the ultimate battleground for visibility.

What Are the Map Pack and Local Heat Maps?

The Map Pack is that prime real estate at the top of local search results showing the top three businesses near a user. It’s concise, visual, and, let’s be honest, the first (and often only) thing users check. Local Heat Maps complement this by analyzing searcher behavior within a geographic radius, showing which businesses dominate specific zones.

Why It Matters

Visibility Drives Foot Traffic

According to recent studies, 78% of local mobile searches result in an offline purchase. If you’re not in the Map Pack, those sales are walking straight into your competitor’s doors.

User Proximity Bias

Google prioritizes businesses not just based on relevance but on proximity. If your listing isn’t optimized for precise local searches, you’re leaving money on the table.

Direct Influence on SERP Performance

Appearing in the Map Pack boosts Google ranking factors for local search queries, feeding visibility into both online and offline spaces.

How to Maximize Visibility in Local SEO

Optimize Your Google Business Profile (GBP):

Ensure your NAP (Name, Address, Phone) is accurate and consistent.

Add high-quality images, respond to reviews, and frequently update operating hours.

Focus on Reviews:

Encourage happy customers to leave reviews.

Respond to every review (yes, even the bad ones). Engagement signals trustworthiness.

Leverage Local Keywords:

Target queries like "best [your service] near me" or "[service] in [city]" to rank for location-based searches.

Tools like BrightLocal and Whitespark can help you track local performance.

Use SEO Automation Tools:

Tools like SEMrush and Moz Local can audit your listings, track rankings, and streamline updates. Automating repetitive tasks frees up time for deeper optimizations.

7. Voice and Mobile Search Optimization

Let’s get one thing straight: if your SEO strategy isn’t optimized for voice and mobile searches, you’re catering to an audience that doesn’t exist anymore. By 2025, voice-driven queries and mobile-first indexing are the baseline. If your website can’t keep up, neither will your rankings.

Why Voice and Mobile Search Dominate SEO

Voice Search is Redefining Queries

Voice search isn’t just “spoken Google.” It’s transforming how users ask questions. Searches are longer, more conversational, and often hyper-specific. For example, instead of typing “best SEO tools,” users now say, “What’s the best SEO automation tool for small businesses?” If your content doesn’t align with this natural language, you’re invisible.

Mobile is Non-Negotiable

Google’s mobile-first indexing means it now ranks websites based on their mobile versions. If your site is clunky on a smartphone, your desktop masterpiece won’t save you. And with nearly 60% of all searches happening on mobile, responsive design isn’t optional—it’s critical.

How to Optimize for Voice and Mobile

Create Conversational Content:

Use natural language that matches how people talk. Think FAQs and “how-to” guides tailored for voice queries.

Focus on long-tail keywords like “how to optimize for mobile-first indexing” rather than rigid phrases.

Mobile-First Design:

Prioritize responsive design that adapts seamlessly to smaller screens.

Optimize loading speed; anything over 3 seconds is SEO suicide.

Leverage Local SEO:

Most voice searches are local. Queries like “nearest coffee shop open now” thrive on accurate local listings.

Ensure your Google Business Profile is up-to-date and features consistent NAP info.

Use Structured Data:

Schema markup helps search engines interpret your content, increasing the likelihood of appearing in voice search results.

The future of SEO is voice-driven and mobile-first, and both require you to rethink how you structure your content and your site. Optimizing SEO for voice search and mobile-first indexing future-proofs your business. And if you’re not ready to adapt, don’t worry—your competitors already have.

8. What's Better for AI: BOFU or TOFU Content?

Let’s start with the obvious: not all content is the same, especially when AI gets involved. The age-old debate between Top of Funnel (TOFU) and Bottom of Funnel (BOFU) content just got a modern twist, thanks to the rise of AI-driven SEO. The real question isn’t which one is better—it’s how to use AI to optimize both.

Look, if you’re focusing on one and neglecting the other, you’re leaving money—and rankings—on the table.

TOFU Content: Casting the Wide Net

Top of Funnel content is designed to attract and inform. Think of blog posts, educational guides, or those “What is [your product]?” articles. In the AI era, TOFU content isn’t just about driving traffic; it’s about structured data examples and search intent optimization. AI tools like ChatGPT help create scalable, topic-driven content tailored for discovery.

Why TOFU Matters:

It builds brand awareness and visibility.

Optimized TOFU content aligns with broad search intent, capturing users who aren’t ready to buy but are hungry for knowledge.

TOFU shines in industries with complex products that need explanation before consideration.

BOFU Content: Sealing the Deal

On the other hand, Bottom of Funnel content focuses on converting leads into customers. This includes case studies, product comparisons, and detailed how-to content. AI isn’t just speeding up content creation here; it’s enabling hyper-personalized, decision-driven assets.

Why BOFU Matters:

It answers purchase-ready queries like “best SEO automation tools for small businesses.”

BOFU works wonders for products or services with shorter sales cycles or high competition.

The content can include dynamic features like interactive product demos or AI-generated testimonials to push users over the edge.

The Verdict: Which One Wins?

Neither. TOFU and BOFU content work best as part of a balanced strategy. AI thrives when it’s used to create and optimize both stages of the buyer’s journey.

For example:

Use AI to analyze trends and structure TOFU content for long-tail keywords.

Deploy AI for data-driven BOFU personalization, ensuring the content resonates with users’ specific needs.

AI isn’t here to settle the TOFU vs. BOFU debate—it’s here to make sure you never have to choose. A well-rounded strategy, powered by AI, ensures you attract the right audience and convert them when the time is right. If you’re doing one without the other, you’re playing half the game.

Contact Us

Contact us for more info or to chat about your business strategy in 2025

Staying Ahead of SEO Trends in 2025

SEO isn’t static, and 2025 won’t give you time to rest on outdated strategies. From zero-click searches hijacking clicks to AI redefining the content game, keeping up isn’t just a choice—it’s survival. Businesses that ignore these SEO trends risk fading into irrelevance faster than you can say “algorithm update.”

The solution? Adapt now!

Use AI SEO tools to fine-tune your strategy, optimize for human intent (not just search engines), and rethink how you create TOFU and BOFU content. It’s not about doing everything—it’s about doing the right things smarter and faster.

Start applying these insights today. Your competitors already are.

[8seotrendsfor2025]

What's Happening to SEO? 8 SEO Trends for 2025

Let’s call it what it is —SEO isn’t some clever marketing hack anymore; it’s now a battlefield where the rules change faster than your morning coffee order. And if you’ve been patting yourself on the back for nailing your SEO strategy, look, those same strategies might already be obsolete. Yeah, that’s how fast the game is flipping.

For years, we’ve been told that backlinks and keywords were the golden tickets. And now?

Gen Z is asking TikTok instead of Google, search engines are reading context like a nosy detective, and over half of all searches don’t even bother clicking on anything.

Welcome to SEO trends for 2025—a world where your next competitor might be an AI tool, a 3-second video, or even Google itself deciding to hoard its users.

1. Optimize for E-E-A-T Signals

There’s no nice way to say this: if your content isn’t radiating credibility, Google probably isn’t interested.

Now comes E-E-A-T—Experience, Expertise, Authoritativeness, and Trustworthiness. While it sounds like a mouthful, it’s the compass guiding Google's ranking algorithm in 2025. If your content strategy ignores these signals, you're handing over your traffic to someone else—no questions asked.

How to Nail E-E-A-T (and Stay Ahead of the Latest SEO Trends)

Experience

Share specific, actionable knowledge. Generic advice doesn’t cut it anymore.

Example: A blog about SEO trends shouldn’t vaguely define "SEO"—it should delve into zero-click searches or multimodal search backed by real-world data.

2. Expertise

Feature qualified authors or contributors. Link their credentials to their content. Google actually checks authorship, so anonymous content only screams "spam."

3. Authoritativeness

Earn backlinks from reputable sites. Don’t fake authority—Google sees through it.

4. Trustworthiness

Secure your site (HTTPS), include proper sourcing, and avoid clickbait titles that don’t deliver.

The Hard Truth about E-E-A-T

E-E-A-T is the foundation for content optimization in a post-2024 world. The latest SEO trends show Google’s focus isn’t just on keywords but on the credibility of your entire digital presence.

It’s no longer enough to rank; you need to deserve to rank.

2. AI Overview and SEO

Artificial Intelligence is practically running the show. In 2025, AI isn’t a gimmick; it’s the brains behind search engines, content creation, and the unspoken secrets of what ranks. If you’re still crafting strategies without factoring in AI, here’s the harsh truth: you’re optimizing for a version of the internet that’s already irrelevant.

How AI Is Reshaping SEO

AI has transcended its “future of marketing” tagline. Today, it’s the present, and every search marketer worth their salt knows it.

Let’s break it down:

AI-Driven Search Engines

Google’s RankBrain and Multitask Unified Model (MUM) are redefining how search intent optimization works. They analyze context, intent, and semantics better than ever. Gone are the days when sprinkling keywords like fairy dust could boost rankings. AI demands relevance, intent, and, let’s be honest, better content.

Automated Content Creation

Tools like ChatGPT and Jasper are churning out content faster than most humans can proofread. The catch is, Google’s Helpful Content Update is watching—and penalizing—low-quality AI spam. Automated content might save time, but without a human layer of expertise, it’s a one-way ticket to obscurity.

Smart Search Predictions

AI isn’t just predicting what users type—it’s analyzing how they think. From location-based recommendations to real-time search trends, AI is shaping results before users finish typing their queries. This makes AI SEO tools like Clearscope and Surfer SEO essential for staying competitive.

Google AI Overview SERP: The New Front Door of Search

Artificial Intelligence is practically running the show. In 2025, AI isn’t a gimmick; it’s the brains behind search engines, content creation, and the unspoken secrets of what ranks. If you’re still crafting strategies without factoring in AI, here’s the harsh truth: you’re optimizing for a version of the internet that’s already irrelevant.

How AI Is Reshaping SEO

AI has transcended its “future of marketing” tagline. Today, it’s the present, and every search marketer worth their salt knows it.

Let’s break it down:

AI-Driven Search Engines

Google’s RankBrain and Multitask Unified Model (MUM) are redefining how search intent optimization works. They analyze context, intent, and semantics better than ever. Gone are the days when sprinkling keywords like fairy dust could boost rankings. AI demands relevance, intent, and, let’s be honest, better content.

Automated Content Creation

Tools like ChatGPT and Jasper are churning out content faster than most humans can proofread. The catch is, Google’s Helpful Content Update is watching—and penalizing—low-quality AI spam. Automated content might save time, but without a human layer of expertise, it’s a one-way ticket to obscurity.

Smart Search Predictions

AI isn’t just predicting what users type—it’s analyzing how they think. From location-based recommendations to real-time search trends, AI is shaping results before users finish typing their queries. This makes AI SEO tools like Clearscope and Surfer SEO essential for staying competitive.

Google AI Overview SERP: The New Front Door of Search

Welcome to the AI-driven age of Google Search. The Search Engine Results Page (SERP) is no longer just a list of links; it’s a dynamic experience powered by Google’s ever-evolving AI. Features like AI-generated summaries, featured snippets, and People Also Ask (PAA) boxes are transforming how users interact with search. If you're not optimizing for these elements, you're missing out on massive traffic opportunities.

What Makes Google AI Overview SERPs Stand Out?

Generative AI Summaries In late 2023, Google started rolling out generative AI summaries at the top of certain searches. These provide quick, digestible answers pulled from the web, cutting through the noise of lengthy pages. It’s fast, convenient, and often the first (and only) thing users see. Pro Tip: Structure your content to directly answer questions concisely while retaining depth. Think FAQ sections, bullet points, and clear headers.

Visual Enhancements Google AI Overview SERPs now integrate rich visuals, including images, charts, and interactive elements powered by AI. These upgrades aren’t just eye-catching; they drive engagement. Pro Tip: Optimize images with alt text, compress them for speed, and ensure visual assets are relevant and high-quality.

Personalization on Steroids Google’s AI doesn’t just know what users want—it predicts it. From personalized recommendations to local search enhancements, SERPs are more targeted than ever. Pro Tip: Leverage local SEO strategies and schema markup to cater to these hyper-personalized results.

Adapting to Google AI SERPs

Aim for Snippet Domination: Featured snippets are now more important than ever, with AI summaries pulling directly from them. Answer questions directly and succinctly in your content.

Invest in Topic Clusters: AI thrives on context. Interlinking detailed, related content helps your site signal authority and relevance.

Optimize for Real Intent: With AI interpreting user queries more deeply, addressing surface-level keywords won’t cut it. Focus on intent-driven long-tail keywords and nuanced subtopics.

The Bottom Line

Google’s AI Overview SERP is the digital gateway to visibility in 2025. If your strategy isn’t aligned with these changes, you risk becoming invisible. Adapt your content to meet the demands of AI-driven features, and you’ll not just survive—you’ll thrive in this new SEO frontier.

What This Means for Your Strategy

AI-Assisted Content: Use AI for efficiency, but let humans handle creativity and trust-building.

Search Intent Optimization: Focus on answering deeper, adjacent questions. AI rewards nuanced, contextual relevance.

Invest in Tools: Tools like SEMrush and Ahrefs now integrate AI-powered insights, helping you stay ahead.

Look, artificial Intelligence in SEO isn’t an edge—it’s the standard. By 2025, marketers who don’t adapt will find their strategies in a digital graveyard. AI doesn’t replace your expertise; it amplifies it. Use it wisely—or get left behind.

3. Forum Marketing and SERP Updates

Platforms like Reddit, Quora, and niche communities are silently reshaping SEO and slipping into prime real estate on search engine results pages (SERPs). For marketers obsessed with the usual Google ranking factors, ignoring community-driven content could be the blind spot that costs you big.

The Role of Forums in SEO

Let’s break this down: search engines have realized something marketers often overlook—people trust people. Threads packed with first-hand experiences, debates, and candid opinions are becoming authoritative sources in their own right. When Google features forum content as a rich snippet or directs users to a Quora answer, it’s validating what audiences already know: real conversations drive engagement better than polished sales pitches.

The Role of Forums in SEO

Let’s break this down: search engines have realized something marketers often overlook—people trust people. Threads packed with first-hand experiences, debates, and candid opinions are becoming authoritative sources in their own right. When Google features forum content as a rich snippet or directs users to a Quora answer, it’s validating what audiences already know: real conversations drive engagement better than polished sales pitches.

Why Forums Are Influencing SERPs

Content Depth

Community-driven content is often nuanced, answering long-tail questions that traditional blogs barely skim. For instance, a Quora thread titled “Best local SEO strategies for small businesses in 2025” isn’t just generic advice—it’s specific, diverse, and sometimes brutally honest.

2. Searcher Intent Alignment

Forums directly address search intent optimization by catering to niche queries. Whether it’s “How to rank for hyper-local searches” or “Why my Google Business profile isn’t showing up,” forums deliver precise, user-generated insights.

3. Fresh Perspectives

Unlike stale, regurgitated SEO articles, forums thrive on updated discussions. A Reddit thread on “latest SEO trends” could become the top result simply because it offers real-time relevance.

What Marketers Need to Do

Engage, Don’t Spam

Build credibility by genuinely contributing to forums. Overly promotional comments are a fast track to being ignored—or worse, banned.

2. Monitor Trends

Tools like AnswerThePublic and BuzzSumo can identify trending community topics. Use these to create content that aligns with user discussions.

3. Optimize for SERP Features

Structure blog content to mimic forum-style Q&As. Google loves direct, conversational formats.

Ignoring the surge of forum content is no longer an option. So, don’t get left behind watching Quora outrank your site—adapt now.

4. Is Traditional SEO Still Relevant?

The debate is as old as Google itself: does traditional SEO still matter in a world where AI is taking over and search engines are rewriting the rules of engagement?

Here’s the answer marketers need to hear (but probably won’t love): yes—but not in the way you’re doing it.

Traditional SEO isn’t obsolete—it’s just overdue for an upgrade. Those age-old techniques like link building, on-page optimization, and keyword stuffing are still around, but their relevance now hinges on how well you adapt them to 2025’s priorities.

Traditional SEO Techniques That Still Work

Link Building (Reimagined)

Backlinks still matter, but Google has become savvier about quality over quantity. A link from an authoritative site in your niche outweighs ten random backlinks from irrelevant sources. Focus on building relationships with industry leaders, writing guest blogs, or getting cited in high-quality articles.

2. On-Page Optimization (Evolved)

Forget sprinkling keywords mindlessly. Google now prioritizes user experience SEO, meaning your headings, meta descriptions, and URLs need to align with search intent.

Want to rank?

Structure content logically, use descriptive titles, and, for goodness’ sake, stop overloading every tag with keywords.

3. Local SEO Strategies

Hyper-local searches like "coffee shops near me" are driving significant traffic. Traditional techniques like Google Business Profile optimization and consistent NAP (Name, Address, Phone) info still dominate here.

What’s changed?

You need to engage actively with reviews and ensure your profile reflects real-time updates.

5. Zero-Click Searches

Now, let’s address the elephant on the search results page: zero-click searches. They’re not a trend anymore—they’re the new standard. With over 65% of Google searches ending without a click, it’s clear search engines are keeping users on their turf. They’re not just gatekeepers of information; they’re now the landlords, decorators, and sometimes the dinner hosts, offering all the answers up front. And for businesses, this means rethinking how success in SEO is measured.

What Are Zero-Click Searches?

Zero-click searches occur when users get their answers directly on the search results page (SERP) without clicking through to any website. Think of featured snippets, Knowledge Panels, and People Also Ask boxes. Search engines use these to satisfy user queries immediately—great for users, but not so much for traffic-hungry websites.

The Impact on SEO

Shift in Metrics

Forget obsessing over click-through rates. The latest SEO trends demand focusing on visibility within the SERP itself. If your business isn’t occupying rich result spaces, you’re effectively invisible.

2. Search Intent Optimization

Google isn’t just guessing user intent anymore—it’s anticipating it with precision. To stay relevant, businesses need to answer why users are searching, not just what they’re searching for.

3. Authority Consolidation

Zero-click features favor high-authority domains. If your brand isn’t seen as a credible source, you’re not making it into that snippet box.

How to Optimize for Zero-Click Searches

1. Target Featured Snippets

Structure your content with clear, concise answers at the top of your pages. Use lists, tables, and bullet points to cater to snippet formats.

2. Utilize Schema Markup

Help search engines understand your content by adding structured data. This boosts your chances of landing in rich results.

3.Focus on Hyper-Specific Queries

Zero-click searches thrive on niche, long-tail questions. Create content that directly addresses these to increase visibility.

What It Means for Businesses

In the world of zero-click searches, SEO success is about dominating the SERP real estate. Businesses that fail to adapt will find themselves in a no-click graveyard, while those who master rich results will cement their place as authority figures. Either way, the clicks aren’t coming back.

So, are you ready to play Google’s game—or be played?

6. Map Pack and Local Heat Maps

The truth is, if your business isn’t showing up in Google’s Map Pack, you might as well not exist for local customers. The Map Pack is literally the throne room of local SEO, and in 2025, it’s more competitive than ever. Pair that with Local Heat Maps—Google’s not-so-subtle way of telling businesses where they rank spatially—and you’ve got the ultimate battleground for visibility.

What Are the Map Pack and Local Heat Maps?

The Map Pack is that prime real estate at the top of local search results showing the top three businesses near a user. It’s concise, visual, and, let’s be honest, the first (and often only) thing users check. Local Heat Maps complement this by analyzing searcher behavior within a geographic radius, showing which businesses dominate specific zones.

Why It Matters

Visibility Drives Foot Traffic

According to recent studies, 78% of local mobile searches result in an offline purchase. If you’re not in the Map Pack, those sales are walking straight into your competitor’s doors.

2. User Proximity Bias

Google prioritizes businesses not just based on relevance but on proximity. If your listing isn’t optimized for precise local searches, you’re leaving money on the table.

3. Direct Influence on SERP Performance

Appearing in the Map Pack boosts Google ranking factors for local search queries, feeding visibility into both online and offline spaces.

How to Maximize Visibility in Local SEO

Optimize Your Google Business Profile (GBP):

Ensure your NAP (Name, Address, Phone) is accurate and consistent.

Add high-quality images, respond to reviews, and frequently update operating hours.

Focus on Reviews:

Encourage happy customers to leave reviews.

Respond to every review (yes, even the bad ones). Engagement signals trustworthiness.

Leverage Local Keywords:

Target queries like "best [your service] near me" or "[service] in [city]" to rank for location-based searches.

Tools like BrightLocal and Whitespark can help you track local performance.

Use SEO Automation Tools:

Tools like SEMrush and Moz Local can audit your listings, track rankings, and streamline updates. Automating repetitive tasks frees up time for deeper optimizations.

7. Voice and Mobile Search Optimization

Let’s get one thing straight: if your SEO strategy isn’t optimized for voice and mobile searches, you’re catering to an audience that doesn’t exist anymore. By 2025, voice-driven queries and mobile-first indexing are the baseline. If your website can’t keep up, neither will your rankings.

Why Voice and Mobile Search Dominate SEO

Voice Search is Redefining Queries Voice search isn’t just “spoken Google.” It’s transforming how users ask questions. Searches are longer, more conversational, and often hyper-specific. For example, instead of typing “best SEO tools,” users now say, “What’s the best SEO automation tool for small businesses?” If your content doesn’t align with this natural language, you’re invisible.

Mobile is Non-Negotiable Google’s mobile-first indexing means it now ranks websites based on their mobile versions. If your site is clunky on a smartphone, your desktop masterpiece won’t save you. And with nearly 60% of all searches happening on mobile, responsive design isn’t optional—it’s critical.

How to Optimize for Voice and Mobile

Create Conversational Content:

Use natural language that matches how people talk. Think FAQs and “how-to” guides tailored for voice queries.

Focus on long-tail keywords like “how to optimize for mobile-first indexing” rather than rigid phrases.

Mobile-First Design:

Prioritize responsive design that adapts seamlessly to smaller screens.

Optimize loading speed; anything over 3 seconds is SEO suicide.

Leverage Local SEO:

Most voice searches are local. Queries like “nearest coffee shop open now” thrive on accurate local listings.

Ensure your Google Business Profile is up-to-date and features consistent NAP info.

Use Structured Data:

Schema markup helps search engines interpret your content, increasing the likelihood of appearing in voice search results.

The future of SEO is voice-driven and mobile-first, and both require you to rethink how you structure your content and your site. Optimizing SEO for voice search and mobile-first indexing future-proofs your business. And if you’re not ready to adapt, don’t worry—your competitors already have.

8. What's Better for AI: BOFU or TOFU Content?

Let’s start with the obvious: not all content is the same, especially when AI gets involved. The age-old debate between Top of Funnel (TOFU) and Bottom of Funnel (BOFU) content just got a modern twist, thanks to the rise of AI-driven SEO. The real question isn’t which one is better—it’s how to use AI to optimize both.

Look, if you’re focusing on one and neglecting the other, you’re leaving money—and rankings—on the table.

TOFU Content: Casting the Wide Net

Top of Funnel content is designed to attract and inform. Think of blog posts, educational guides, or those “What is [your product]?” articles. In the AI era, TOFU content isn’t just about driving traffic; it’s about structured data examples and search intent optimization. AI tools like ChatGPT help create scalable, topic-driven content tailored for discovery.

Why TOFU Matters:

It builds brand awareness and visibility.

Optimized TOFU content aligns with broad search intent, capturing users who aren’t ready to buy but are hungry for knowledge.

TOFU shines in industries with complex products that need explanation before consideration.

BOFU Content: Sealing the Deal

On the other hand, Bottom of Funnel content focuses on converting leads into customers. This includes case studies, product comparisons, and detailed how-to content. AI isn’t just speeding up content creation here; it’s enabling hyper-personalized, decision-driven assets.

Why BOFU Matters:

It answers purchase-ready queries like “best SEO automation tools for small businesses.”

BOFU works wonders for products or services with shorter sales cycles or high competition.

The content can include dynamic features like interactive product demos or AI-generated testimonials to push users over the edge.

The Verdict: Which One Wins?

Neither. TOFU and BOFU content work best as part of a balanced strategy. AI thrives when it’s used to create and optimize both stages of the buyer’s journey.

For example:

Use AI to analyze trends and structure TOFU content for long-tail keywords.

Deploy AI for data-driven BOFU personalization, ensuring the content resonates with users’ specific needs.

AI isn’t here to settle the TOFU vs. BOFU debate—it’s here to make sure you never have to choose. A well-rounded strategy, powered by AI, ensures you attract the right audience and convert them when the time is right. If you’re doing one without the other, you’re playing half the game.

Staying Ahead of SEO Trends in 2025

SEO isn’t static, and 2025 won’t give you time to rest on outdated strategies. From zero-click searches hijacking clicks to AI redefining the content game, keeping up isn’t just a choice—it’s survival. Businesses that ignore these SEO trends risk fading into irrelevance faster than you can say “algorithm update.”

The solution? Adapt now!

Use AI SEO tools to fine-tune your strategy, optimize for human intent (not just search engines), and rethink how you create TOFU and BOFU content. It’s not about doing everything—it’s about doing the right things smarter and faster.

Start applying these insights today. Your competitors already are.

READ THE FULL BLOG: 8 SEO Trends for 2025 — Rathcore I/O

[transcuratorsblog]

How to Write Effective Video Descriptions for YouTube SEO

In today’s content-heavy digital landscape, YouTube is more than a video platform—it’s the world’s second-largest search engine. If you're creating videos but ignoring your video descriptions, you’re missing out on a massive opportunity to improve visibility, engagement, and rankings.

Strong video descriptions help YouTube understand your content, attract viewers, and increase watch time. Whether you’re a creator, brand, or marketer using content writing services, knowing how to write effective descriptions is essential to boost SEO and drive results.

Here’s how to craft descriptions that do more than describe — they rank.

1. Understand the Purpose of a Video Description

Your YouTube description serves two major functions:

It gives viewers context, links, and calls to action

It gives YouTube’s algorithm the keywords and metadata it needs to rank your video in search results and suggested feeds

An optimized description bridges the gap between your audience’s needs and the platform’s algorithms.

2. Use Relevant Keywords Naturally

Just like traditional SEO, YouTube SEO thrives on the right keywords. Your description should include:

Your main keyword in the first 1–2 sentences

Synonyms or secondary keywords throughout the body

Keywords from the video title and tags for consistency

Example:

“Learn how to write SEO-optimized YouTube descriptions that boost video visibility and engagement. In this video, we break down YouTube SEO best practices for creators and marketers.”

Avoid keyword stuffing. Use your phrases naturally and conversationally to maintain readability.

3. Lead With a Compelling First Two Lines

YouTube truncates descriptions after the first 100–120 characters. These first lines appear in:

Search results

Suggested videos

Mobile view previews

Make sure your hook:

Clearly summarizes what the video is about

Includes your target keyword

Sparks curiosity or value

Example: “Want more views on your videos? Learn how to write YouTube descriptions that actually boost your SEO.”

4. Add Timestamps (When Relevant)

If your video is long or covers multiple sections, include timestamps. Not only do they improve the user experience, but they also help YouTube understand the video’s topic structure.

Format:

makefileCopy

Edit

0:00 – Introduction

0:45 – Why Descriptions Matter

2:10 – Keyword Strategy

3:40 – Example Walkthrough

6:00 – Final Tips

Timestamps also allow your video to qualify for YouTube chapter features, improving engagement and retention.

5. Include a Strong Call-to-Action (CTA)

Don’t forget to tell your audience what to do next. Add CTAs for:

Subscribing to your channel

Watching related videos

Downloading a resource

Visiting your website

Leaving a comment or like

Example:

💡 Don’t forget to subscribe for weekly content tips. 👉 Check out our playlist on video marketing strategies: [link] 📩 Need help with content? Visit our site: [website URL]

6. Use Hashtags Sparingly and Strategically

YouTube allows you to add hashtags directly in the description. They help categorize your content and make it discoverable — but don’t overdo it.

Tips:

Add 2–3 relevant hashtags

Use niche-specific tags like #YouTubeSEO or #ContentTips

Avoid misleading or overly generic tags

YouTube may penalize videos that use too many or irrelevant hashtags, so stay focused.

7. Add Links and Contact Info (But Keep It Neat)

The second half of your description can include useful resources, such as:

Social media links

Your website or blog

Affiliate/product links

Email or collaboration contact

Use line breaks, emojis (sparingly), and headers like “RESOURCES” or “CONNECT WITH US” to improve visual clarity.

8. Format for Readability

Great content can be ignored if it looks like a wall of text. Keep your description readable by:

Using short paragraphs (1–3 lines)

Adding line breaks between sections

Using bullet points or emoji markers (✅, 📌, 👉)

Including headings (e.g., “What You’ll Learn,” “Resources,” “Follow Us”)

Good formatting keeps users engaged — which boosts retention and improves SEO performance.

Conclusion: Optimize Your Descriptions Like You Optimize Your Videos

In 2025, creating great videos isn’t enough — they need strong metadata to stand out in a crowded digital space. Your video description plays a vital role in driving clicks, engagement, and discoverability.

If you’re serious about growing on YouTube or running branded channels, don’t underestimate the power of professionally written video descriptions. Many creators and businesses now rely on content writing services to handle video SEO — ensuring each upload gets maximum exposure and results.

Remember, your content’s success begins before viewers hit play — and your description is the first place to start.

[interneteadsus]

Your Guide to Smart PPC Services in Chelsea

One cannot think of something instantaneous and impactful for the growth of business online than pay-per-click (PPC) advertising. For local businesses in Chelsea, PPC advertising could be a golden opportunity to send targeted traffic, create high-quality leads, and generate high ROI. But not all PPC methods work in the same way. This guide explores the essential aspects that smart PPC services in Chelsea should consider remaining competitive and profitable by 2025.

Why PPC Services in Chelsea Matter More Than Ever

A non-negotiable for competing and diverse commercial scenario Chelsea stands the issue of standing out in search results. While it is necessary for long-term visibility to have organic SEO, PPC services enable a much faster visibility and conversion feature in Chelsea. With Google Ads, Bing Ads, and social media ad platforms at your service, placing your business basically right in the faces of its audience-the moment they search for what you offer-has never been easier.

Customized PPC can be good for every business in Chelsea, ranging from local boutiques and cafes to real estate agencies and law firms. Be it led generation, sales, or retail brand awareness; engaging in the right PPC services offered by Chelsea agencies is the very first step to exact growth.

Key Elements of Smart PPC Services in Chelsea

Now, if we are to dissect an able and well-formulated PPC strategy that would really address the needs of Chelsea businesses, the essential building blocks become much clearer:

1. Location Targeting

We then pursue ad placement for Chelsea. Smart PPC services by Chelsea providers include localized campaigns limiting ad reach from the right zip codes, neighbourhoods, or even street-specific targeting. As such, the advertisements will be seen only by potential customers within your ideal service area.

2. Keyword Research & Intent Targeting

Efficient PPC and other marketing strategies begin with in-depth keyword analysis. Chelsea’s PPC campaigns must consist of:

Local modifiers (e.g., “painters Chelsea,” “Chelsea yoga studio”)

High-converting keywords based on buyer intent

Negative keywords to filter out irrelevant traffic

Agencies with some experience offering PPC services to clients in Chelsea will use tools such as Google Keyword Planner, SEMrush, or Ahrefs for finding the best local search terms.

3. Ad Copywriting That Converts

Writing compelling ad copy is an art. For Chelsea audiences, messaging should combine relevance, urgency, and local context. Clever PPC ads name-drop Chelsea terms, talk promotions, or just do location-based bragging (e.g., "Voted Best Coffee in Chelsea!").

4. Landing Page Optimization

Clicks are only half the conversion along the entirety of the road: A good landing page converts users once they get there. The best PPC services Chelsea businesses might rely on are:

Fast-loading mobile-friendly pages

Clear CTAs (calls-to-action)

Testimonials or local trust signals

Seamless user experience

5. A/B Testing and Analytics

No campaign should be on autopilot. Smart PPC services in Chelsea run a rigorous A/B testing on various headlines, images, while mixing several CTA buttons. Google Ads Experiments or Microsoft Ads A/B testing features serve as testing tools to keep performance improvements going.

Analytics lie at the heart of smart PPC. Agencies should report:

Cost-per-click (CPC)

Conversion rate

Return on ad spend (ROAS)

Quality score and impression share

Choosing the Right PPC Partner in Chelsea

Many agencies claim they do PPC advertising but retain caution when choosing one because your advertising budget depends on it. When considering PPC services, companies of Chelsea mostly require these:

Local Expertise: Do they understand Chelsea's unique market and consumer behaviour?

Transparent Pricing: Are fees clearly explained without hidden costs?

Industry Specialization: Have they worked with businesses like yours?

Client Testimonials: Are there case studies or reviews from Chelsea clients?

The best PPC services Chelsea has to offer come from agencies that provide end-to-end management-from, beginning with keyword research and ad creation, all the way through to tracking, optimization, and reporting.

PPC for Different Chelsea Business Types

Let’s look at how PPC services in Chelsea apply to different industries:

Retail & Fashion: Google Shopping Ads and Instagram Ads help Chelsea boutiques showcase their collections.

Hospitality & Food: Local restaurants benefit from Google Maps PPC placements and branded search ads.

Healthcare: Dentists, therapists, and clinics run targeted campaigns for appointment bookings.

Real Estate: Agents use PPC to promote open houses, listings, and downloadable guides.

Legal & Financial Services: Niche PPC ads target high-value clients searching for local expertise.

PPC services in Chelsea are going to be tailored specifically to your niche because they are done by professionals who are experienced enough to understand the very ins and outs of this field.

Budgeting for PPC in Chelsea

There is no single answer to how much you need to spend on this. But generally, a good campaign run by a reputable PPC agency in Chelsea tends to start at:

Test Budgets: $500–$1,000/month for initial campaign validation

Scale Budgets: $2,000+/month for ongoing growth with multiple campaigns

The good agencies providing PPC services for businesses in Chelsea will always adjust bids based on performance so you can get the best value for each buck that goes out.

Red Flags to Avoid in PPC Services

Not every PPC company is the same. There are red flags for Chelsea businesses to look out for:

Overpromising results without data to back it up

Lack of monthly reporting

No clear explanation of metrics or strategy

Little to no optimization after setup

It may be time to assess your PPC support in Chelsea if the supplier does not offer proactive service.

Final Thoughts

To recap, smart PPC Services Chelsea businesses need is built on location targeting, keyword precision, creative testing, strong landing pages, and ongoing optimization. Whether you're launching your first campaign or refining your tenth, working with a skilled PPC agency that understands Chelsea’s market dynamics can give your business a major edge.

Ready to get your business growing through performance-driven PPC services that Chelsea stands behind? Pick a provider that can work in harmony with your goals and see your leads, conversions, and revenue shooting skyward.

[amphtaminedreams]

The Fashion, the Thoughts and the Food (ARGH): 2023 Pt.1

Hiiii to anyone reading!

Isn’t this quite the surprise! A gap in posting which isn’t so vast that the context in which I framed it has had to be adapted several times since its inception! This was a 2023 part 1 post when I started and if this surfaces on the dashboard before June finishes (almost managed it!!!!) just consider me queen of organisation. I’m nearly finished with a piece of coursework on Prospect Theory and now I’m unburdened by THAT fucking torturous demand the somewhat constant sense of creativity-quashing confusion and fear is semi lifted. 

Originally, ya see, I planned to sum up the last few months with just a winter outfits post but that time went by so quickly and was such a shitshow, that when I came to reflect, it turns out I made myself presentable and did something interesting with my life on far fewer occasions than I thought. The prospect of going full 2013 lifestyle blogger and using this post as a conduit for a more general overview of the first half of the year seemed more fun and in the nature of why I started this Tumblr which was just to do fun, creative stuff, lol. Trying to build a whole post specifically on one topic and making everything neat is so silly when I’m just a silly little girl doing this silly little blog. It’s not like this messiness was ever monetizable or is intended to be. I am far too insecure to ever need to assume that there is anyone following whatever it is I’m rambling on about. All I promise to bring to the table is the enthusiasm and lack of refinement that characterised the early days of social media back when Tumblr came under the same umbrella as Bloggr, lookbook.nu, Polyvore, WeHeartIt, etc., humble little hobby platforms that were recognised as such and not as springboards for a career because they were for FUNNN not to make money. What an era! You need time, consistency, likability and a bit of self-restraint to do anything serious online and I can promise you I only have about one of these traits even on the very best days. What I mean is that whenever I’m on Tumblr or Pinterest just scrolling freely and liking and pinning and seeing what catches my eye, when it feels like I’m treating this as a casual thing, it’s a lot easier, and so I really want to push myself to just post stuff like this even if it feels irrelevant and unstructured because it doesn’t need to have relevancy or structure for me to post it. You’ve been warned!

There is 0 need to post as if you have to consider where sponsorships are going to fit or whether you’re going to piss people off en masse when you don’t have much in the way of an audience and you don’t NEED to have to have either to justify posting something online in the first place, wtf. Capitalist interests are very predictable in the sense that they can't NOT gatecrash a good party when they see it, cannot possibly avoid the urge to make everythingggg people enjoy doing feel like it needs to be packaged as part of a slick business venture but like…if the photo dump can be re-popularised (though I am kinda convinced this was a thing Instagram started themselves on the DL to distance themselves from criticism in this vein), then let’s call this Tumblr page a mind dump. A vibe vault, if you will. I know, ew. I hate myself for that one too. Plus these are less so things I’m vibing with because I don’t have adequate levels of chill  to simply "vibe" with anything anyway. Soo here are the first half of 2023’s Pathological Obsessions™, outfits, new fashunnn finds, places, media and some general sensitive thoughts.

Now let’s get into itttt.

The Fashionnnn Bit

*(if you’re here from the recovery tag maybe skip through this, use the find option and jump to the next “recovery” mention)

Starting with the fashunnn, because if there is a single kind of continuity on this blog it’s that. I’m gonna break it down into a few things. First, the designers I’ve discovered/rediscovered. Big shout out to Vogue Runway for entertaining me in that respect on the few occasions it decided to function properly.

But also!! also!! big question mark over why I can look at unlimited collections on the app but hit a paywall on the desktop site even when I’m logged in??? I’m emphasising this because I’m genuinely searching for answers here, lol, I’m not about to dish out my coins unnecessarily, not in this £1.65 for a bag of Magic Stars economy, ffs.

Back to the topic at hand though, I’ll structure the fashion section kinda like a Currently Obsessing Over post and cover a other few things as well. For starters, anybody whose style I’ve been appreciating recently-I can’t promise you I’m going to blow your mind with some obscure, undiscovered Instagram model you’ve never heard of, but I’m starting this tradition by gassing up Florence Given so I don’t think there’s gonna be much expectation of that going forward anyway, lol. Also, this section seems an appropriate place to get all the excitement out of my system about my  favourite ethical clothing store drops. I like to think of it as a redirection of the excitement that usuallllyyy results in me spending money that I am otherwise incapable of reminding myself I DO NOT HAVE. 

Lastly, the winter outfits that were the preliminary basis of this post will slot nicely in here. Let’s be real, as much as I’d like to think my using Tumblr is alllll about creativity, it’s clearly filling some kind of egotistical self-expression need too, lol. Ego hypothesis aside, though, I can confirm that I love to refer to ��oooo potential for outfit post!” to justify the unnecessary Vinted and Depop purchases I make to myself whilst continuing to complain about being broke. But BOTH THINGS ARE TRUE AND IT’S NOT A CAUSAL RELATIONSHIP FFS. Yah, becoming aware that there are just as many gems on Vinted as there are on Depop did not do wonders for my savings goals, I have to say it. But it is ethical and cheap. Anyways, I’m just gonna sprinkle these outfit posts throughout the fashion section to dilute the vanity a bit.

*2023 purchases marked w/asterisk

-20th & 21st March 2023, Shoreditch->Beyond the Streets exhibition @ the Saatchi Gallery, outfit details L to R: mohair cardi from Collusion*, beret from ASOS*, faux leather blazer from NastyGal, faux fur coat underneath from Urban Outfitters, bag from ASOS, shoes from ASOS*, trousers from @niamho31 on Depop>beanie from ASOS, mini skirt from Minga*, cropped jumper from @alexnrx21 on Vinted, lace up corset top from @kyliemccabe99 on Vinted, & Doc Martens-

Currently Obsessing Over: Patou

-Top to Bottom: RTW S/S20, RTW S/S21, RTW F/W20-

I want to thank girlie Dakota Johnson for many things, one of them being introducing me to Patou (though her making Ellen publicly uncomfortable by drawing attention to the besties with everyoneeeee bullsheet takes no.1 on the achievements list).

-L->R: RTW S/S 22, RTW F/W21-

It’s what I can best describe as a combo between Simone Rocha, Brock, and Charles Jeffrey Loverboy with perhaps a touch of Erdem, slightly twee and coquettish but fresh and modern at the same time; a few of the collections have a bit of a street style vibe, and these are the ones which show Patou at its best. If you told me this was the wardrobe of an upper east side school girl growing out of her Blair Waldorf era and into her Virgil Abloh groupie phase because she decided her true passions lay in music production and used daddy’s money to buy an apartment in the gentrified Harlem, I’d believe you. Every cloud has to have some kind of silver lining, and the lack thereof when it comes to the invasion of a bunch of posh arseholes suggests there’s room for an accidentally brilliant style lovechild like this somewhere out there.

-Top to Bottom: RTW F/W23, RTW F/W22-

It was Alison Williams in a very Audrey Hepburn Patou look at the recent Met Gala that solidified, for me at least, they’ve pretty much got the monopoly on old timey socialite with 21st century polish. I assumed they were a new brand but doing a bit of Googling for this post exposed my lack of formal fashion education, lmao, because they’ve apparently been established for, like. decades, and have just been bought by LVMH who aren’t the type to take a gamble on a fledgling label. Feeling silly rn.

-RTW S/S23-

The LVMH takeover begs the question, whyyy are we not hearing more about them? I suppose Julia Fox having closed their most recent show is a sign they’re growing in influence/fattening their money pot at the very least, but in the meantime, the theme for the designers included in this post is obvs just gonna be undeservedly slept on labels lol.

-24th March 2023: hat from ASOS*, dress from UO, rollneck from charity shop, NastyGal faux fur coat from @emily170620 on Vinted-

Whatever Happened to Stella McCartney?

-Top to Bottom: RTW S/S22, Resort 2022-

Stella McCartney is one of those names everyone knows in the fashion industry but I’d say is rarely given the level of praise she deserves? Dare I say the collective sentiment is to kinda write her off as a designer condemned to 2000s irrelevancy? Is it because the association people make with the McCartney dynasty is now a brand of vegetarian sausages which aren’t even that bloody good? omggg, I can’t speak to the Linda McCartney mozzie burger but the sausages are nasty!!

-Pre-fall 2021-

Disgusting sausages aside, if we are talking the products of nepotism or powerful “connections”, some successes are more merited than others. If we can manage not to begrudge a specialist vegetarian chef her dues despite our awareness that the famous name has at least partially played a role in getting those human rights violating sausages in the freezer aisle of every Tesco, Sainsbury's and Asda near you? If we do that on the basis girly was onto a good thing by filling a necessary gap in the market? Well we OUGHT to talk more about Stella McCartney and make sure SHE gets her place in the freezer aisle next to the Carte Dior (comedy genius) too.

-clockwise L>R: Pre-fall 2017, Resort 2019, Resort 2017, RTW S/S18, RTW S/S17-

I say all this with the disclaimer that I too really fucking hate how dominated so many fields of work are by the importance of “connections” and the way that it makes pursuing a career in the things you’re actually passionate about the kind of pipe dream you relegate to the realm of those driven by delusional, childhood optimism next to the corpses of the princess and prima ballerina fantasies. I hate that if I had wanted to pursue a job in fashion or film the best I could hope for would be a decade as a coffee runner under Wes Anderson’s 2nd cousin’s son or sat in a windowless, underground LA office managing Lila Moss’ Twitter account for my entire adult life. But you know, the fruits of one’s rich and successful parent’s connections are better earned by some nepo babies than others and Stella McCartney is one of the good ones. Those M&S red diamond strawberries were not simply handed to her. Tossed maybe, which necessitates some kind of ability to catch, but not handed. 

-clockwise L>R: Resort 2020, RTW S/S20, Resort 2024-

-Top to Bottom: RTW F/W18, RTW F/W17-

You don’t end up the creative director of Chloe solely because your family has money-there might be people equally as talented as you that didn’t have that stepping stone but I’d like to believe there’s no stepping stone strong enough to explain surviving CSM, successfully maintaining the reputation of a label pretty much renowned for being the epitome of understated elegance, and opening your own fashion house on the back of that. The other nepo babies could jump on their lil rocks all they like but they just haven’t got the upper body strength to deadlift their way onto the ladder. Stella stays hitting the metaphorical weights zone whilst the rest of them stay walking on the treadmill with me in complacency Kingdom. The fact there was a time when I used to actually run on treadmills? I could not BELIEVE. We’re out of the metaphor zone now btw-probs shoulda made that one a bit clearer.

-Top to Bottom: RTW F/W19, S/S19, Pre-fall 2019-

-Clockwise L>R: RTW F/W21, Resort 2023, Pre-fall 2023, Pre-fall 2022, RTW S/S21-

For one, she stands apart from other designers in that her brand has been at the forefront of ethical fashion from its inception. She was doing sustainable fashion long before using animal byproducts like leather, faux fur and suede was frowned upon, when animal cruelty for aesthetic’s sake was thought of as a talking point mostly adopted by fringe environmentalist groups, and where any public figure being able to leverage a major fashion house into abstaining from the use of animal fur was something unthinkable. But honestly, I’m really not hyping Stella up just for that but because she genuinely has been rolling out quality collections for years now. 

-Top to Bottom, L>R: RTW S/S15, Resort 15, RTW F/W15, RTW F/W16, RTW F/W14, RTW F/W15-

-RTW F/W23-

I can see how you could stick her with the safe label but I do think there’s talent in being able to identify elements of the ephemeral, “out- there” fashion trends with actual staying power. Stella has been able to streamline those elements into something that works outside of the high fashion bubble, and looking back at the archives was a delightful browse through the volume of evidence proving that knack. I don’t know why the name doesn’t carry more prestige other than the tendency of the high fashion industry to dismiss anything that is somewhat attainable to the average person, but if consistency is enough to grant Chanel a pass to put out the sameeee thing everyyy season because it fits with the widely established image of the brand, welllll…on the other side of that coin, consistency born of a sustained, purposeful, and analytical observation of the trend cycle and a concerted effort to refine rather than regurgitate the insane amalgamation of buzz pieces that emerge from the ever growing roster of fashion weeks…that warrants way more recognition, no?

-Top to Bottom: RTW F/W22, RTW S/S23-

-3rd February 2023, Objects of Desire exhibition @ the Design Museum, Kensington: Corset & trouser co-ord from ASOS*, blouse from ASOS*, trench coat from charity shop, & Doc Martens-

-3rd March 2023: cardi from @alisi on Depop, skirt from ASOS*, beret & shoes from ASOS-

Antonio Grimaldi 

-Clockwise L>R: Haute Couture (HC) F/W23, HC S/S23, HC S/S22, HC S/S19, HC F/W22-

For all my attempts to articulate what it is I like about collections from buzzy up-and-coming avant garde designers or prestigious labels known for intellectually driven, abstract pieces, I am no better at describing why stumbling across collections from the likes of Antonio Grimaldi fill me with joy. Pretty dresses give me a serotonin boost. Imagining myself as a princess in one is good for the soul, lol. I’m team Barbie not Oppenheimer. Does that sum it up for you? And as much as I feel duped being reeled in by Vogue sponsored content, on this occasion I’ll let it go because these creations are masterful and I’d never heard of the designer before they were featured.

-Clockwise L>R: HC S/S20, HC S/S21, HC F/W21-

-8th February 2023: skirt from Urban Renewal @ UO*, cardi from Collusion-

-23rd March 2023, Mike Nelson: Extinction Beckons exhibit @ the Hayward Gallery, Southbank: top from @kissmypeach on Depop, skirt from Ebay, waistcoat from @crisishawtline on Depop, coat from charity shop, shoes as before-

Gucci Resort 2024

I wouldn’t be surprised if we’d been through an AI takeover, another pandemic, and mass flooding throughout Britain by the time I get round to doing a 2024 collections post, so for the sake of making sure I cover my most pressing high fashion related concerns (I.e my opinions on runway shows I could only ever aspire to sit back row at in my very wildest dreams let alone own anything from), I thought I’d include the Gucci Resort 2024 collection from earlier this month in this post. See my expectations of greatness have been tentative since we lost my love, Alessandro Michele, under whose reign Gucci became my absolute favourite high fashion brand-I would get genuinely excited in anticipation of his collections every time Milan fashion week came around, which really is a little bit sad when you think about how far removed I am from that sphere of existence, but ya know, as a source of styling inspiration his maximalist, extravagant and wonderfully extra take on Gucci never failed me. 

Don’t get me wrong, this collection isn’t on the level of anything Alessandro did in his last few years as creative director but I suppose that’s something that comes with the confidence granted by time at the helm and this slots neatly into his body of work as a continuation of that elevated blend of the decadent retro aesthetic with modernity. Soo it’s promising and as a stand alone collection, comparisons prohibited, I do really like it.

-13th February 2023, Making Modernism & Spain and the Hispanic World exhibitions at the Royal Academy, Piccadilly: trousers from the Ragged Priest*, corset from ASOS*, beanie from @rosiejg2 on Depop, linen shirt from ASOS*-

-16th February 2023: beanie from Primark, skirt, cardi & corset from UO*, faux leather blazer & coat underneath as before, tights from ASOS*-

Florence Given (me life? Or some style inspo anyways, forgive me the bad pun)

Look, I know she’s everyone’s fave white feminist to go in on buut she hasn’t done anything egregious enough that we can’t appreciate her style that I’m aware of, at least? She makes a lot of valid points, one of which is that we will absolutely slaughter women for doing like 1/4 of the morally questionable shit male creatives do before we cross the threshold of dismissing their work. That man probs doesn’t deviate from jeans and a t-shirt 95% of the time!!! But Florence is the besttt at the 70s bohemian rock vibe, a shining example of why I may allow it on this occasion if the next in an endless list of tik tok’s aesthetic crazes is piratecore  (or have they been there done that already?), and an aspirational figurehead for all those of us who identify as members of the more layers the better agenda. To put it delicately, regardless of your feelings about her, with the acknowledgement maybe it’s not my place to give an opinion anyway, anybody who’s wondering how you combine the nomadic romanticism of Alessandro Michele’s Gucci/Etro/Erdem/Zimmerman/Johanna Ortiz with a little bit of that YSL glamour, we owe her one for the visual manual that her Instagram feed provides. You know, take some inspo. You don’t have to credit her. Level the playing field. Isn’t that what she did? Idk lol. It’s 2020 something. Expecting completely originality from anyone is a lot to ask. All I know is that there’s no harm in more popular feminist literature even it can be seen as surface level and her style is delicious, lol.

-13th March 2023, Lao Cafe in Covent Garden: jeans from charity shop, top from ASOS*, arm warmers from UO*, coat from @shikirajaydeen on Vinted, scarf from @jools560 on Vinted, coat underneath from UO-

-31st January 2023, @ Russell Cotes Art Museum & Gallery, Bournemouth: jumper from Bershka*, skirt from @semmoore on Depop, linen shirt from @alicialouwoods on Depop, hat, shoes and tights from ASOS*-

-10th March 2023, street art in Brick Lane: dress from the Ragged Priest*, faux leather blazer as before, coat from charity shop, tights from ASOS*-

You Better Buy, Bitch (as Karl Marx probably NEVER said)

Does it probably go against my principles to make purchase recommendations? I mean, I’d say probably, but let’s be real, being able to rave about something with minimal to no influence is a perk of the act of posting, for me at least, pretty much being an act of screaming into the void.

Pre-loved Faves

Given I’ve shown a bit of a Vinted bias in my last few posts, I thought I would stick to all the lush lil pieces I found on Depop recently. They were all still available last time I checked, which was a few weeks ago, so hopefully that hasn’t changed!

Make of these (and their potentially crappy quality given the sacrifice entailed when you want to include like 32 screenshots in one image with a pixel ratio designed for Instagram posts) what you will.

Ethical? Newness: Superdry

Any fashion company that has “it’s a start” as their rating on Good on You is practically saintly in the grand scheme of things hence Superdry’s tentative placement on this list.

What I want to know is when did their stuff get actually…a bit cute? 

My adolescence took place at a time when Hollister, Jack Wills, and (this one was practically a mark of the elite, it’s exclusivity only bolstered by my head of year’s banning of those paper bags with the anonymous male’s six pack on them) Abercrombie were the height of fashion, accessible to only an exclusive few, and Supedry, whilst not quite held in that level of esteem, was also up there. I might only have been able to get a couple of Hollister sale tops but a Supedry branded T-shirt was marginally more accessible; for whatever reason, my parents tended to see their stuff as high quality investments rather than lumping it in with Hollister, Abercrombie etc. as part of a fad of the youth, lol . Anyway, the point is, I very much dismissed all those brands as crazes of a bygone era. Buuut, despite a niggling discomfort with the English owner’s seeming attempt to masquerade as a Japanese brand,  it’s come to my attention that some of Superdry’s stuff (and actually, Hollister too) is a…bit of me? To be more specific, they do these retro style print sundresses which I have on my Karma wish list, my fondness for which is definitely in part attributable to their resemblance to Lana Del Rey’s early stage outfits. ARGH, her performing songs from the UV album in those psychedelic mini dresses were a cultural moment which still crosses my mind on the daily.

On top of that, their clothes fall within the upper regions of the high street’s price range which means they’re the kind of one-off pieces that are going to stay in your wardrobe for a long time and not end up in the fast fashion doom spiral that’s filtered through the local charity shops straight into a landfill 50% of the time.

The Ragged Priest

The latest drop I…girlies if I wasn’t BROKE already, this collection would be taking me there. I’ve gone on about my love for TRP ad nauseam already so I don’t think I need to add much more here.

Arcana Archive

Arcana Archive is an online Japanese clothing store which acts as a platform for small, independent designers to sell their stuff. It ships worldwide and despite a relatively more expensive price mark (I’m talking in comparison to a site like ASOS which operates on a similar business model), the pieces are really unique and quite experimental within the confines of current trends. But yeah, you really can’t get much more ethical than buying an independently designed piece and Arcana Archive cuts out the uncertainty by facilitating that through a streamlined medium.

Regal Rose

Behold their absolutely STUNNING new collection. I am sooooOooo obsessed with every jewellery line they put out. They have, quite simply, perfected the delicate to dominatrix vibe ratio lol, and have the most unique and show stopping collections of statement jewellery out there by a mile. 

Very Important Face Paint

1. Tarte Shape Tape

Look, nothing is every going to be able to fully erase these dark circles. I got into a space where I was okay with them because they looked hot on Bella Hadid, lmao, but as much as I don’t want to be influenced by whichever TikTok aesthetic we’ve deemed “of the moment”, this whole clean girl thing got me pretty much back in that “would under eye fillers really be thaaaat bad?” headspace. What is a clean girl? Why does the Pinterest tag look like a white supremacist’s inspo board for the creation of a master race? I’m overrrrr the back and forth on how WOMEN’S FACES, like our GENETICALLY DETERMINED FEATURES, should look to be “on trend”! Holy shitttt, like I’m sorry that tinted moisturiser isn’t going to cover up a break out on my chin but we are not blank canvasses to be used as ad billboards for skincare products. I’m not getting under eye fillers because 1. in this economy? I think the fuck not! but 2. because the concept of getting a needle under my eye bothers me to my core. I really want to try and practice what I preach in that our uniqueness is what makes us beautiful but ARGH it’s such a difficult stance to take when it comes to accepting your own insecurities. 

Soo let’s just call Tarte’s Shape Tape concealer the middle ground. I am under no illusion any concealer is going to get rid of my dark circles but anything that reduces the number of times people (usually men) feel the need to tell me I look tired is pretty much in the business of miracles. I have really tried EVERY other hyped up concealer from Touché Eclat to Charlotte Tilbury’s Magic Away concealer and this is the only one which makes a noticeable difference. It isn’t super easy to get in the UK which is the only drawback but I managed to get it on offer through QVC, as much as it pained me to do that given the deeply embedded association that exists for me between borderline sociopathic individual Lisa Rinna and the enterprise. But needs must.

2. YSL Touché Eclat Foundation

I won’t hold it against the Touché Éclat range that it was not capable of fixing my dark circles. Many greats have tried and failed and that is no mark on their greatness but a sign of my unfortunate genetics and terrible sleep schedule. And this foundation is gorgeous on every level; it truly is so smooth and glowy but simultaneously matte and blends into the skin like the milk I imagine cleopatra bathed in. IK I like a hyperbole but don’t let it be the reason you dismiss this stuff because it is goldddd.

3. Bybi Babe Balm

Truly got me feeling like a babe, this is the closest thing my dull, crusty ass skin will get to looking alive.

4. Urban Decay 24/7 Glide-on Lipliner

The only lipliner I have ever known not to bleed, and to retain its pigment for any substantial period of time. I haven’t tested it’s staying power past the 14 hour mark but I can confidently say it made it with only a slight fade to that time stamp.

5. NYX Dewy Finish Setting Spray

Very decent for the price and gives an amazing finish. The claims of its similarity to the Urban Decay setting spray is all that stands between me and further damage to my bank account because look, if I can get something slightlyy cheaper for only a slight discrepancy in quality I’ll take the L. Like all NYX products, it’s vegan and cruelty-free as well which is a personal must. 

Food…for Thought (see what I did there)

*Hi, recovery people, it starts here!

See if I do this again, ideally, there’s not going to be a whole category for food lmao. And strap in, btw. This section is 90% of this post’s mammoth word count, I reckon.

I’m thinking in future I’ll break the things I’m about to mush into one up into:

A more specific “places” category which will go beyond restaurants, I promise, and actually include other must-dos around London and anywhere else I happen to visit!

A more specific purchases/recipes/general recommendation category.

And then keeping a thoughts section separate as long as what I’m about to address continues to be relevant and helpful. I’ll expand in a sec. It’s a topic I’m disproportionately afraid of posting about considering there’s not exactly anyone hanging on my every word, lol, but still. Ideally in time, a “thoughts” section will transcend the topic of the anorexia recovery experience, if I do manage to shake my 5 remaining brain cells out of their dormancy anyway. Yeahhh, I thought I’d just drop it in there, bite the bullet and reveal that recovery is this elusive “issue” I have some thotsss on before anybody reading thinks I’m about to go on some outrageously offensive rant which ends up being the thing that DOES catapult me to online infamy and gets all excited.

This potential future post structure is more for the sake of having a more clearly defined section to broaden my recommendation horizons beyond restaurants to museums, galleries, general activities/experiences etc. But like, on this occasion my food recommendations are prefaced with some thoughts n feelings because they give a little bit of context as to why a list of restaurants is the first thing that comes to mind whenever anyone asks what’s good to do in London aside from the obvious tourist traps.

I’ve gone back and forth on posting anything about this subject a lot, kinda unnecessarily really. Like I said, I don’t have a tonne of followers, nobody that I know irl follows me (maybe like one very close friend), and so it’s not like there’s any real ramifications of whatever I do or don’t choose to post about. The perception that I’m making a declaration to some vast audience I don’t doubt is just an extension of that internalised male gaze thang which makes everything in life feel like it’s an act of solicitation for other people’s opinions based on which I decide whether or not the crushing sense of shame I constantly feel atm is warranted.

Making my first post on the anorexiarecovery Reddit (which has the cushioning of anonymity that Tumblr obvs lacks) and just how much it helped me and on a more general level, how hearing from others who have recovered from a long-standing eating disorder has helped me, is the kick up the arse I needed to finally talk about it here. If feeling like you’re “sick enough” to accept help is hard, you can imagine openly identifying  yourself as “in recovery” is even harder so please just gently let me know if you come across this on the anorexia recovery tag and there’s ways you feel I could have more sensitively addressed the issue.

Like a girlie is vulnerable, lol. I’m a whole mess, most likely even more unbearable to others than I was in the depths of anorexia. Even when you start the formal recovery process and have the intention to follow whichever course of therapy or program or treatment you’re receiving, thinking of yourself as actually in recovery and the acceptance of everything that comes with that, rather than seeing treatment as a means of learning how to maintain your control and your weight and basically, your anorexia, in a slightly less dangerous and mentally exhausting way, takes fucking ages. I hate being out of control. Hate it, hate it, hateeee it. And I know I know. Anorexia is more about control than about the food itself so that is probably an unnecessary addendum. But it’s a cliche for a reason, lol.

Saying traight up that you’re in recovery and identifying with other people who are feels like a very permanent thing and a huge change to your life as you know it. It’s solidifying that there is no going back now, allowing your body to do all the things with the acceptance that this is a process you cannot control, and that you can’t use anorexic behaviours to try and get that sense of (fake!!!) control back. When disordered eating of some kind is all you know, in my case a cycle of anorexia and binge eating that has gone on for as long as I can recall being aware of the fact that there’s a correlation between what I eat and how my body looks, it takes time to accept that recovery could represent anything but a fucking unbearable and embarrassing existence. I’m not the happiest with where I’m at in recovery right now but being willing to call what I’m doing right now that R word and affirming that this is a process of change rather than an adaptation of my mindset to a less outwardly concerning form is, from an objective perspective, really big! And I know I couldn’t have got here without being able to separate anorexia (I’m just going to shorten it to AN because it’s always felt a dramatic word for what has just been my way of life, if anyone can relate to that? lol) from myself, which happens when you can recognise that rather than everything you think is an inherent, unchangeable part of who you are being the cause, it is just something that’s been manipulated to become a fundamental element of a parasitic illness:)

This realisation has come from two different sources. Firstly, from the formal course of therapy itself (I’m doing MANTRA treatment for anyone who finds this and is in the same boat), and secondly, from spaces (I mean mostly online tbh but I have a friend or two in real life who have some experience) where others, whether still suffering from their eating disorder or fully-recovered, are voicing their own thought processes and feelings. We like to think of our thoughts as completely authentic and complex and as resulting from a reasoned conclusion, and we want to believe we do have control over our lives, so it only fees right to act in a way that aligns with these thoughts, but what you realise as you see the exact same sentiments expressed by others with AN is that a lot of the “thought” processes that fuel anorexia aren’t so uniquely yours after all. It’s one thing to be challenged about a single, isolated AN thought by someone you know pointing out that it’s not true and that it’s just the illness etc. because you can just defend its legitimacy and why you continue to act accordingly to yourself like “okay, that’s not rational and maybe sometimessss that’s a baseless, anorexia driven false belief but it’s different for me, this isn’t irrational. It’s true. I know this because I came to this conclusion myself and so in my case what I believe will happen if I don’t do X/Y/Z will actually happen”. The cognitive symptoms sound and look and adopt the same ways of thinking that you believe to be an inherent part of who you are. If you are a rigid, routine-oriented, stubborn, all-or-nothing, obsessive (reading the list of traits identified as signalling increased risk of developing AN was a bit of a self-roast I can’t lie) perfectionist then congratulations! You won’t notice anything out of the ordinary when those “thoughts” run through your head and you certainly will not think for one minute that they are textbook mental manifestations of an illness masquerading as your internal monologue. But maybe you will when you see just how routinely they appear as part of a more extensive, specific set of “thoughts” described by people who have also been diagnosed with AN. Big oh shit!!!! moment when you feel a little bit of the special snowflake armour melting away. 

The sense of vulnerability which descends upon the realisation you can’t trust your own thoughts, not knowing which of the responses that come into your head where you’re put into a challenging food-related scenario is the AN one, the “wise”/recovery mind (I.e the truth), and which one is the most “you” and honours YOUR well-being in all of this, feels like presenting yourself to Simon Cowell on the X Factor stage circa 2007, at its peak popularity. Ya got the whole of the UK watching, Simon looks you up and down, and says “it’s a no from me”, and then him, Louis and Sharon all start bickering about whether or not he was too harsh and whether Louis is being too generous by affirming your star potential. Essentially, it feels like throwing yourself to the sharks with no clue which one is being honest about how tasty you are. Enough metaphors?

Basically, eating disorder recovery of any kind involves mediating between a LOT of internal voices who guide you with dramatically varying levels of empathy and none of them agree. Throw experience of binge eating into the mix and the “go on, you knowwwww you’ll feel better if you do eat X, Y and Z” sentiment that characterises your impulses and how similar that can sound to the things you’re taught in recovery about how to listen to your body and practice kindness to yourself ANDDDD then what is most likely the AN voice which draws on all that societal shaming we do of women having “too much” of an appetite and it’s just, FUUUUUCK. It is so FUCKING. EXHAUSTING to constantly have to distinguish one from the other. I never realised how exhausting it would be. It has really turned me into a foul person to be around at times, and that is the thing I hate about all of this the most. But hearing that other people have had these thoughts, that they aren’t an objective truth of life or the only option in your case, that disentangling them becomes second nature in time, is the reassurance I’ve needed to keep me working at it. To have evidence that these thoughts are a symptom, not a inevitable product of who I am, and that they therefore won’t always feel THIS crushing gives me hope to just stick out the extra mental stress that introducing a mediator to the internal argument creates.

Sooo it feels worth describing some of these thought processes on here in case, selfishly, it connects me with other real people who have experiences of their own to share, or less selfishly, it becomes one of the many many recounts of these thoughts that somebody stumbles across which pushes them across that same threshold of like (Kylie voice) realising thingsssss. Well, you know, realising oh shit, there are alternatives to how my brain is dictating to me I must live my life lest I self-implode in an inferno of shame and self-hatred. That’s the state I personalllyyy associate with the version of myself that has tended to precede a shift back towards restriction, probably stemming from multiple sources but that the AN voice whittles down to the single variable of numbers on a scale. Realising that being trapped by the all or-nothing rules or rituals and impossible standards isn’t something you just have to accept because it’s the only viable way to live your life, that it’s just that sneaky little anorexia MF drowning out the alternatives is one of the first steps laying the foundations for a wholehearted go at recovery.

The ability to disregard the AN thoughts doesn’t stick naturally past that initial lightbulb detection moment without a constant effort to identify and reaffirm that’s all they are but with the initial realisation comes a sense of relief. Underlying that initial commitment to recovery was the visceral sensation of detachment I had once I realised just how many of what I believed to be my OWN thoughts were cognitive biases symptomatic of anorexia and the impact of its resulting malnutrition on the brain. In other words, that what I perceived as my core beliefs were mental manifestations of problems attributable to an illness, like any that we so seamlessly identify when they present as physical ailments.

The possibility that the categorisation of these thoughts as symptoms entails, that an adherence to all the rules I developed based upon them and the misery they caused me doesn’t represent the best of a bad bunch of outcomes, that the anxieties attached to these AN thoughts aren’t legitimised by facts of nature akin to whatever it is Einstein said about gravity or the laws of motion, and thus are something that can be viably challenged, is the fundamental driving force to keep at treatment. When you’re seeing everryyy other person with shock! gasp! The exact same condition feeling exactly the same, coming to the exact same conclusions in a roundabout way, you realise...ahhh, I’ve been DUPED. SCAMMED! Like I said, we can buy into something irrational by perceiving it as a truth exclusive to our unique psychological, biological, and physiological makeup, our specific self-concept; it’s natural to want to think of ourselves as unique individuals whose decisions in life result from a sensible weighting of all these factors. Nobody wants to feel like they are pre-programmed to behave in a certain way. Our sense of self-determination gives our lives meaning and that feels all the more important when our other tendencies make the experience of being alive feel a bit scary or monotonous sometimes.

It gets harder, ya know Occam’s razor and all, however, to continue to give any merit to the anecdotal logic of these beliefs when the much simpler explanation is that they’re very cut and dry AN thought patterns just subtly tailored to include some of the idiosyncrasies of your internal monologue and thought style so they’re believable enough to you as a legitimate, reasonable, self-realised philosophy sustaining your behaviours. To live abiding by the principles formed from this “reasoning” process placates that instinctive self-determination drive.

What I’m trying to say in an overly convoluted way (this is what happens when writing about psychology usually involves the suppression of any creative flair or subjectivity as is the defining feature of an undergrad essay lol) is that talking about it, resonating with the experiences of others and how their symptoms manifested, it helps. It makes all the situations you put yourself in so much less scary when the trajectory you’re on in recovery, though requiring you endure thoughts and feelings that are intensely distressing in the moment, has ultimately helped people in the exact same position you are get to a happy, healthy place in the lives:)

Realising there’s nothing essential to your survival about these thoughts, that they don’t warrant an entire section dedicated to them (and hopefully, at some point in the future, will not get from me beyond how much better off I am without them!!!), is the beginning of a process which allows you to see the world in its whole again, and there’s so many recovery stories out there to support this. I look forward to being a much less self-absorbed person in my day to day life, lol, and being capable of meaningfully engaging with the expanse of vastly more interesting issues out there, even if this means opening myself up to a little bit more of that good old existential anxiety.

Getting to the point, then, this section exists to get these thoughts off my chest but in a way that is clear enough for anyone who comes across the tag to quickly be able to identify as similar to their own, and that gets across what I’ve found helpful in challenging them. It won’t usually be prefaced with all this context, lol! I really invite suggestions from others in the approaches they’ve taken to do this as well since you need as many tools to deconstruct AN logic as you can get your hands on, and I, for one, want my own toolbox to be full to the brim. I am to be the Bob the Builder of the anti anorexia agenda if you will, lmao.

For this reason, when I’ve managed to separate an AN thought from myself and isolate it, I’ve made sure to always note it down, trap that baby in a glass like a spider, and that’s that on how to do a perfect metaphor because I KNOW SPIDERS CAN’T HURT ME AND THERE IS NO REASON TO BE AFRAID OF THEM BUT IT FEES LIKE THEY’RE TARGETING ME, OMG. Yes, turns out spiders represented an eating disorder free life all along. To describe these thought processes on their own and just make them salient to somebody who is already trying to drown them out wouldn’t necessarily be helpful so I’m only going to address or articulate a thought when I have something to challenge it with, that I’ve picked up either through MANTRA, my studies, recovery advocates, or now and again that I’ve concluded myself and found to be reassuring. I can’t promise that the latter source will be of value but they’ve been important to me and maybe will trigger somebody else to apply that same (potentially questionable) reasoning process to their own circumstances and consider that new perspective. It’s rare but once in a blue moon sometimes this silly little brain of mine does strike something not quite gold but maybe bronze or silver, takes a dip in the pool of positivity, and shuts down the AN bullsheeet all on its own. I have to take stock of these incidences somewhere, lol.

On the basis it’s still pretty early days, there’s still a lot of AN thoughts I can’t quite convince myself don’t have some legitimacy, so when/if I do address them in a post it’ll likely only be one or two at a time as follows. Whether there ends up being too many to limit to a section in these seasonal update/summary posts because I go back to my typical lackadaisical posting schedule and end up having to just do an overall progress post at some point down the line we shall see but for now, I’ll get into it:-) on today’s agenda I wanna address:

The Spectre of Shame: 

Yess, AN really be on some Mike Flanagan shit when it comes to convincing you that recovery is the catalyst for some unbearable onslaught of shame. Hinting at it, revealing flashes of if, hanging it over your head but never actually revealing it or what would be sooo fucking unbearable about this experience that there’s no available coping mechanism or approach to remedy the resulting pain. 

Fearing my recovery body and other people’s reactions has always been a big hurdle in seeking treatment in the first place. Underlying it has just been this mental cacophony of potential responses. Notably, the idea that the people you care about will forget how ill you were at some point once you achieve a healthy weight and suddenly come to resent you for being “dramatic” about the whole thing and putting them through the things you did as a result of AN. 

Yeah, that’s not going to happen. Shocker! It’s some more AN driven bullshit! And it is part of the way it sustains itself by making you afraid of throwing yourself into treatment. The truth is that the people that expressed their concern when you were sick, at first my primary motivation to give treatment a third (lol) chance, are affected by it much more they let on. Seeing you at your sickest is not the kind of thing your loved ones forget, and if anything they’re probably massively fucking relieved and grateful when they see you becoming more relaxed around food. I didn’t realise how exhausting it was for my family to watch me be completely consumed by my eating disorder because it wasn’t addressed routinely, it was only when other situational factors pushed everyone to the edge that it would all come out and I’d see how much anxiety about my health was being kept from me for the sake of not causing upset.

I get that openly choosing treatment feels a lot like walking into a crowded room of your friends, acquaintances, every last human being you’ve ever encountered, and inviting everyone there to hyper scrutinise your body. Ooo, is she gaining too quickly? Has she let herself go? Has she lost control? She’s weak. She’s sick, she has an eating disorder, but one that makes her more pathetic than us because we all want a whole ass bar of chocolate you cheeky lil bitch but why are you so SPECIAL you get to have one just because you’re sad!? 

Again, AN, I BEG of you: shut the fuckkkk up. I know rationally that I wouldn’t for a second make that inductive leap about someone else who stated they were in their recovery. If anything I would be ecstatic for them knowing how good it feels to finally give your body all those things it has been gnawing away at you to give to it for so long, to experience that freedom. Think about the environment you’re in and the people around you. The people in my life are kind, and understanding, and if I’m judging their likely reactions by all their past behaviours, they’re likely to have the same thought process as I would about someone else just chowing down all that food that is so good for the soul. If they’re not, I don’t want them in my life anyway. 

The shame comes from me and me alone. At this point, every time I do actually pay attention to what I’m craving and try and respond to that in a non-judgemental way, and accept that the absolute worst scenario in my head (omg wow weight gain, a never before witnessed human phenomenon!), I take a step backwards, and evaluate what power the actual worst case scenario consensus actually holds.

So people do think I’m greedy or weak or whatever. It’s the way I coped and still do sometimes to give myself that little serotonin boost through food, to eat every delicious thing in sight. It’s not a moral failure. Everyone has their ways of coping with strong emotions and for every way in which we give in to one self-soothing impulse, there’s some other coping mechanism we’re resisting. The idea that there is an empirically verifiable relationship between eating for joy and any kind of negative trait is a load of shite. I can’t help but think misogyny has a lotttt to do with it too. Like, can you imagine a show called Woman Vs. Food? Wolfing down everything in sight is practically celebrated when it’s a man doing it, or at the very least, just accepted as part of the male predisposition, much like a high sex drive. Horny, hungry woman=slutty slob in the eyes of society, lol.

How much/what you eat can’t inherently make you a bad person. The only adverse effect is probs that long term, it isn’t going to feel great for your body. In my case at least, I know my internal fluids be moving like Valhalla after a mad one on the carbs and salts lmao, soz if that’s tmi but nobody with anorexia said anorexia is actually glam or a B&W 2013 tumblr inspired serve in anyway. It’s 40% annoying gross body issues and 60% internalised shame, boring food thoughts, fear and the constant burden of calorie counting because who the fuck wants to be doing maths 24/7. Recovery in the long run takes a fucktonne of will power. JFC, it’s a marathon, it’s the 800m you got signed up to doing on sports day without your permission. So if you describe the internal conflict you go through with that, anybody who will still look at you choosing to eat what you ACTUALLY want at the end of the day and think that represents weakness…ridiculousness.

To stand on that stage and announce “I’m in recovery” and for that to be visible in some way or another (reminder that thinness isn’t a complete measure of sickness anywaysss!), isn’t something embarrassing. it’s a sign that it’s working and that I’ve hit the “oh my god what have I done” hurdle and actually jumped over it this time, and not been sucked back into AN. To learn to be okay with your new body, and be okay with others opinions of it off the back of that, is a part of recovery I feel I’m only just starting to be asked to think about in treatment as I enter the weight restoration zone. It’s defo revealing itself to be one of the strong walls of my AN’s lil fortress. That opinions about the way we look are important isn’t something that can be just shut down with science like those other AN “facts” are. One thing I loveee about my therapist is that she always brings the feminist perspective into it. Like, as women it’s drilled into us from the moment we’re old enough to comprehend there’s some implicit societal code that our worth is at least in part determined by the acceptability of our appearance, to the extent it feels like an inherent truth that we owe it to others to conform to beauty standards if we want to be treated with respect. Anorexia pounces on that and uses it as evidence as to why it’s not an illness, but something to be cherished, something you would be useless without. Treatment has focussed a lot on personal values and principles to aid that self/anorexia separation process so far and I think it will come in useful here too, again to break down the legitimacy of these beauty standards which reinforce AN fuelled beliefs, and tbh, are ever fucking changing anyway. Psychologically speaking, conforming to an arbitrary beauty ideal would never be a reproducible (see, it may have been some term 1 year 1 week 2 level terminology but I did get one thing out of my Research Methods modules) anyway.

I wish I wasn’t a fashion loving girlie:( I wish the phrase heroin fucking chic had never entered my verbal lexicon:( I wish I hadn’t fucking internalised the ideals of the 2013 EFFY STONEM LANA DEL REY ARTIC MONKEYS SOFT GRUNGE BRUISED KNEES SAD B&W GIF 90S AESTHETIC etc. etc. etc. Tumblr era and allowed it to mutate into the enduring ideal of what external standards would constitute my perfect self, the one that would have all her shit togetherrr and be okay. I wish it wasn’t an ideal which I still have to see reinforced every now again, when I engage with something I’m passionate about, minding my business browsing Vogue runway and seeing that YSL once a-fucking-gain seemingly came to the conclusion they’d maxed out their body diversity quota by hiring just ONE singular model who may be, like, a size 10 at a push in amongst the 30 other size 4/6 girls walking.

Maaaaybe that I feel this way, though, have such conviction about how harmful these standards are, will give me something positive to focus my energy on rather than wasting it paying any attention to these kinds of arbitrary societal ideals. We don’t have to accept that respect would be given on a shallow basis, and tbh doing what you can to fight that norm sounds a lot more fulfilling anyway. 

Anyway, I look forward to adding some proper, professional logic to what I can only summarise as that brain fart as I cover it in treatment:-)

“This is the Best it Gets”:

The biggest lie AN will tell you.

It might mimic that harsh AN tone a lil but I find it necessary to remind myself “course this isn’t your best life. FFS, everyone knows what this disorder does to people. You know of people that have died from it. The number of people that have recovered happily is huge. The outcomes for the people who have maintained their anorexia into adulthood on the other hand are BLEAK. So why are you so special that you’re the exception to the actual, EVIDENCE based rule. Anorexia is horrible and it’s shit and it IS possible to overcome it. Get a grip.”

The way you think is not the result of you having been fundamentally and irreversibly changed as a person, and does not represent an irreparable apathy towards the goals and principles that used to motivate you in life. Not to repeat myself as I’m sure I am doing here but it has been so hugely validating to hear my therapist (whether she’s just very good at her job, speaking from personal experience, or both, idk! I want to ask but I don’t know if that’s appropriate or not? Thoughts?) essentially say “I understand. This doesn’t feel like something you’re suffering from. It feels like something you are deciding to maintain, that you’re choosing thinness over the people you care about. But it is hurting you the most and why would you choose that?” MANTRA is based on the idea of several factors coming together to cultivate an AN mindset, a combination of thinking style, personality traits, values, relationship styles, experiences, and emotional disposition. Of course these factors aren’t always possible to change but you can change the way they feed into your AN and develop methods of channelling them other than through the medium of restriction, towards achieving other, more positive and fulfilling goals. You’ve always had these traits and you didn’t always need AN to get by, right?

The belief AN is a choice, not an illness you can be inherently vulnerable for,  goes hand in hand with the way eating disorders in general are misunderstood, including those that manifest in extreme obesity. You see it most with the people who will tell you to “just eat” and “why are you doing this to yourself!”. And then you feel like a fucking awful person. Why AM I doing this to myself? Look at what this is doing to people who care about me. Either I’m a fucking horrible selfish person OR I NEED this disorder to survive. I don’t think I’m the best person on the planet. But I don’t think I’m evil enough of a person to want to cause everyone pain if there was an alternative. It’s the last thing I want to do. So there must BE no alternative. This must be my only option. The result of this logic is the sense that there’s nothing beyond AN. Shame is the only thing on the other side of the coin it feels like you have no choice but to flip, it’s prospective existence a phantom in your head that you use anorexia as a shield against because it tells you it is your only defence. This is what AN does. The less you eat; the more you think about food, and the less capable you become of thinking about the bigger picture. The more rigid and black and white in your thinking you become. It’s eat nothing or eat everything, so even eating something sometimes can feel like opening floodgates. When you starve your brain of nutrients, you don’t have the cognitive recourses to think about nuance or develop solutions. Learning that was another intense lightbulb moment, and I almost physically felt things slot into place inside me, like I’d got a bit of myself back. The realisation that this, the psychological process underlying our conviction that anorexia is the be all and end all, is the ACTUAL truth, not the thought itself. That I continue like this isn’t the only way forward. That moment where I finally understood these thoughts weren’t organic, that they weren’t MINE, that they’re textbook AN biases, was really eye-opening. I just needed, still need, a little help to get the ball rolling and bring my rational voice back into the convo. 

I might not know exactly what an alternative I’m comfortable with looks like though with each practical suggestion I try and can tolerate, that becomes more fully formed. And though I can’t predict exactly what the end result of that alternative will be, what I do know is at the very least it will take away a handful of minor inconveniences. Shopping in the little girl’s section for pants for example-the PARANOIA I get when someone even glances in my direction whilst I’m doing so that they might think I’m some nonce who just enjoys perusing the kid’s undies section. No more! Your body panicking when you eat a bit more of certain types of food and either A). Sending you into a food coma, and yes, that’s WHEREVER you are and whatever you are doing, sitting in a theatre show or the cinema and even more frequently, on public transport or B). Immediately demanding you go…expel that entire whole meal right now of your own volition or find yourself empathising with Will McKenzie in that episode of the Inbetweeners where his bowels took his A-levels for him. The COLD!!! I spent far too many days this past winter trying not to cry because I was that painfully fucking freezing. The circulation issues had the skin on my knuckles cracking open when I bent my hands FFS, I was out in the customer service trenches serving people with raggedy ass plasters all over my hands, getting dirty looks from the pensioner buying his 3rd pack of JPS Superkings of the day, I-

It’s such an unglamorous disorder, and yet we still romanticise the shit out of it. Well let me tell ya. I do not feel ethereal or delicate or fragile or any of those qualities that I probably internalised as being inherent to anorexia back in those tumblr 2013 days. I feel boring and grouchy and gross and self-absorbed and incompetent. Utterly useless except as a calorie counting machine. No wonder catwalk models always had such a rep for being airheads because depleting your brain of nutrients, as has finally happened this being the longest restrictive phase I’ve experienced, truly makes you dumb AF in ways you don’t actually realise. Like stuff just goes in one ear and out the other and I have become this truly chaotic, all over the place person which is incredibly frustrating because I used to be, and want to be, someone who makes every effort to be on top of their shit with everything, always. Unfortunately, your brain just loses the capacity to hold all the information you need in the right places or evaluate anything properly and your time management gets all over the place. Your common sense disappears and you don’t make the links that keeping up with the pace of daily life (especially true in London, lol) requires. Anything that isn’t related to your AN loses its importance and without the motivation to give other commitments your full attention, the considerations you need to make to fulfill them fall through the cracks. The worst part is that people get sick of your shit because it seems like you just don’t care about them. You either feel incompetent as fuck or wonder if you’ve actually always been like this which deep down you know you haven’t because you’ve never felt such frustration at the inability to actually execute all these plans you make. I don’t want people to worry, I don’t want to go back to a hospital ever again, I don’t want to be painfully cold all the time, I sure as helllll don’t want such irregular bowel movements or hot and cold sweats, crusty ass skin or purple hands. I want to live deliciously (sorry Florence Given antis), and I WANT to be able to romanticise my life and AN doesn’t provide the content the 2010s soft grunge corner of the internet would have you believing it does. It’s just exhaustingly mundane, uncomfortable, and awkward.

The best thing I’ve noticed since committing to a regular eating schedule, to give one example of a recovery commitment, is that the constant mental chatter has significantly reduced. Sometimes no thoughts head empty is the GOAL. I do not want my brain to feel like the store I work at on a summer bank holiday once all the other supermarkets have closed. There is so little space for anything else-I gave up reading the news like 2 years ago because anything outside of the ED perspective felt trivial and that’s ridiculous. Kourtney Kardashian could scream PEOPLE ARE DYING! In my face and I’d be like yah, whatever. But to be serious, and kinder to myself, the soundtrack to the past few years of my life has seemed to ricochet between 2 defaults: a shouting match at the Queen Vic fought not by Kat Moon and…some other Eastenders character  (idk, it’s been a while since I watched, I forget the rivalries) but instead between advocates for all the different impulses and urges and rules and regulations, OR a droning, mundane static, occasionally permeated by calculations and conversions of calorie consumption to weigh gain in pounds. There is very little feeling in the anorexic experience. Pretty much just frustration, boredom and anxiety, fear of the absolute worst happening but you don’t know what that absolute worst even is and can’t really articulate exactly why it’s so terrible. Like the end of life seems to be spiralling towards me sometimes (thanks chronic anxiety and climate change and late stage capitalism heh) and I can’t get over how much FUCKING TIME I WASTE THINKING ABOUT FOOD. FOOD. There is nothing interesting about food unless we’re talking about how good it is. The best meal deals, sophisticated subject matter like that. 

My intention in articulating these thoughts is because the more of their forms you encounter, the clearer the similarities in their underlying structure becomes, and the easier it is to recognise them as symptoms. Once we know symptoms are all AN “thoughts” are, and that it’s part and parcel for the distorted reality we experience to seem like absolute truth, it gets a lot easier to have faith that acting to contravene the rigid boundaries they’ve led to us imposing isn’t going to result in catastrophe. When we have evidence that treatment for any physical illness is effective and reduces symptoms, we trust it’ll ultimately reduce them for us too even in the face of short term unpleasantness we experience as a result. So the point of verbalising these thoughts is to affirm that they are something which necessarily become less intense each time we assess and challenge them.

To wrap this section up, I really, seriously welcome feedback from anyone in recovery coming across this. Like, I hope none of it is patronising, or comes across as if I expect anyone to read and be like “thanks girlie, ya cured me!” xoxo

I want the way I explained myself to be helpful. If not, it’s just a particularly self-indulgent ramble lol. It seems necessary to articulate an unhelpful thought pattern before I get into challenging it in order to highlight how textbook it is but ofc when I name or describe the thought, I don’t want to do that in a way that enables or reinforces anybody else’s similar belief. Any suggestions if this section has done that for you are welcomed.

On top of that, it goes without saying I’m extremely privileged to have won the postcode lottery in finally getting a long-term, holistic, person-centred form of therapy. I hate to say I’ve been unlucky in the past with what I’ve received because I know some people have had no help at all, but what I’m trying to say is that it does take intensive support to overcome this not just, like, realising things. It‘s a lot easier when you have someone you know knows what they’re talking about, and whose support extends beyond the scheduled hours you have with them. The AN voice doesn’t take a day off and so much damage can be done in just a week without the recourses to challenge it. Being able to reach out to someone who uses their knowledge to validate you and relieve that extreme loneliness that comes with feeling trapped inside your own head, who treats you as a whole person who needs pointers on how to adapt the knowledge taken from scheduled sessions to the complexities of your everyday life and doesn’t fault you for not knowing already, is so essential. You need that external voice to hold you accountable in actually translating the act of challenging your thoughts into action, but one that communicates with kindness and empathy because they know that otherwise it all starts to feel a bit too similar to the tone of AN. What I wish is that there was some kind of sponsor network similar to those attached to AA/NA groups/if there already is, it was more widely known of. Of course, a professional sounding board is the best you can get but any external, motivating voice that comes in conjunction with a thorough understanding of how deeply embedded an ED is and knows how difficult it can be to challenge what feels like the core of who you are, can help. I don’t like to sugarcoat stuff, so I say all this with the addendum that you can be as picture perfect a model of a recovered anorexic as they come and still be changed forever by the period you spent consumed by it, especially if that begins at a young age when your brain is still developing. I do kind of believe the echoes of any ED will always be there, and the framework the illness puts in place in your head to maintain itself never fully crumbles. Your perspective may always be through a slightly disordered lens. But that framework will become weaker and it will become easier for the objective truth to break through and storm the gates and ultimately be victorious against what becomes a very fragile, pathetic version of the disordered voice, to make decisions based on principles of self-care and compassion. Obviously, knowing all this stuff in isolation won’t always be enough. I can identify thoughts as a product of AN, know they’re not going to get me where I want to be in the long term, but honestly don’t always have the energy to ride out the fight or flight response that going against them entails. The self-criticism and shame is still quite instinctual at this stage. I’m at the point of slowly testing what actually happens if I make small transgressions of those food rules, tolerating weight gain regardless of how uncomfortable it is, basically debunking the existence of this spectre one bar of Dairy Milk Oreo or B&J’s Baked Alaska at a time. It’s kinda like the flooding stage of phobia-specific CBT. The trick is that in the meantime, whilst you’re distracted by all these difficult feelings, your brain is well fuelled enough to redevelop the ability to think in shades of grey, and remember the things about life you loved before you gave the illness your complete unyielding devotion.

I’m hoping in time, especially as summer comes to an end, it will be easier to deal with the physical changes. I adore the sun and the heat and the beach but at this stage in recovery, I think I’ll feel more optimistic once the seasons change and bring with them the opportunity to wrap up and drape myself in layers. Like, although I’m almost within the healthy weight range now, there are moments when the (unfair and unwarranted) recognition that I no longer have the body that I was unashamed of and how that has become unattainable again fills me with self-hatred and disgust. For a second maybe, there is a rush of emotions worthy of the fear I felt at the beginning of the recovery process. To bring back the spectre, that initial full glimpse of it is sufficiently horrifying to make it tempting to reach out for the AN shield again. But the longer you share a space with that entity, the more obvious it becomes it’s just a costume. You notice the faint lines where prosthetics meet the skin and the rings around the contact lenses, and eventually it’s like seeing the lady who plays the Nun IRL on the red carpet, like witnessing a Scooby Doo unmasking, where you realise the horror is in the all the attachments and that what lies underneath it all can’t actually hurt you. These feelings aren’t a one time affair, they occur enough to make you feel really shitty and overwhelmed, but they are transient and there is a sense of freedom that comes with this being a body which doesn’t involve depriving yourself of everything you crave and the fear of all the other devastating consequences. A rush of painful emotions far supersedes death by a thousand cuts if you will, lol. There was a time when the thought of gaining even one pound was unbearable and yet here I am. So I know that I can get through these surges of distress too, and I don’t plan to set unrealistic expectations of being perfectly okay with it on myself right now. I said to myself yesterday I probably won’t wear shorts again this summer. But that’s okay for now. Any day that solidifies my commitment to resist AN is progress. This body acceptance should become easier with the luxury of a private, safe space to fully process these feelings, without any unhelpful outside influence on how I reshape my self-image. The last thing you need when you’re trying the radical self-acceptance thing is the prospect of external chatter that comes with being exposed to everyone else’s judgements too, as is the case in hot weather when you’re like, socially obligated to get ya bum out. I need that chance to be okay with my recovery body as it is rather than feeling pressure to accommodate it to others expectations, which I know I shouldn’t and once I know myself better, hopefully won't feel the need to. Being able to challenge the worst case scenario of shame and judgement from others isn’t possible if I still haven’t got to a place where my confidence and faith in the objective, non-disordered, empirically viable truth is robust enough to not give the hypothetical judgements any emotional weight, to stay neutral and detached as AN goes into overdrive trying to adjust the marker at which this unbearable, worst case scenario will occur. It doesn’t like it very much when you reach the previously established threshold, the one that was once so terrifying you couldn’t bear the thought of any kind of change pushing you towards it, and realise…oh…soOoo my world hasn’t fallen apart. Shit. And you wonder what exactly it was you were so afraid of. Still, with each revelation, whatever’s round the corner of this next threshold is still scary. It’s just that with each one you overcome you have more faith that you can muddle through it as you have before. It’s not an instinctual faith but one you have to actively search for on difficult days where you reflect on your lowest point and grieve because it was something you feel you really suffered for and LORD knowsss, we all love to romanticise tragedy. But you keep doing that over and over again and you choose to try and cope, something that takes practice, and ultimately the idea is that you won’t need faith at all, that acting against eating disordered thoughts will just make sense. The CBT-ish part, the restructuring of the cognitive framework maintaining AN into one which makes looking after yourself the easy, sensible option (I.e your new default) rather than something that’s gonna lead to eternal pain and suffering over just how grotesque it makes you, (tehe feels good girls x) can only work as it should once you’ve also had that exposure to observe how-decisions less dictated by anorexia actually turn out, as in maybe there is no earth-shattering catastrophe to follow. You need to have built up a body of evidence that the resulting scenarios are ones you can withstand. You also need to be able to perceive life in its entirety, outside of the disordered tunnel vision you’ve developed, to remind yourself, and wholly comprehend, the richness of the experiences AN steals away. That isn’t always there for everyone, which is why I want to reiterate that recovery doesn’t boil down to having “enough” strength, but about having reasons to recover too and I’m privileged in that aspect.

But anyways….flooding, a sponsor, CBT? Did I just create my own treatment programme? Much to think about. 

I don’t know how to round off such an intense section so I guess, here are some restaurant recommendations???? Which I felt compelled to include as a means of developing my budding Google reviews career (shout out to my one follower), and thennn onto some more lighthearted stuff, ya know, stand out films, TV, books etc. of the first half of the year. But maybe in future posts, assuming I continue to progress, I can start talking about some of the things I’ve gained in recovery to round up the thoughts section. It kind of sounds like a cliche that your AN tells you is bullshit that recovery is gonna improve your quality of life like of course they’re going to make this shit sound like a trip to Barbados, but just as accumulating other people’s accounts of anorexia symptoms delegitimises the truth you attribute to those symptoms, hearing the specifics of positive recovery experiences legitimises the idea that it’s something tangible. At this point I can already say I’ve got back into cooking, which I loved before my restriction got obsessive and health and balance and all that malarky was a goal of weight loss. SooOoo maybe I could share some recipes too. ANYWAY. Let’s get into my fave London eats, which I hope will also grow and evolve to include general London/travel recommendations as I regain the capacity to retain memories of experiences other than those revolving around food, lol. Unless I miraculously come into a large windfall of cash, the “travel” recommendations will most likely be limited to other UK places but on this occasion I can dip my toe into the “wAnDerrlustt” tag realm and kick things off with a few recommendations for Lisbon which I visited at the beginning of June. Having that goal of being able to write about these things in a few months time in a completely different mindset is definitively a good source of motivation. Being able to experience all these new places without the security blanket of my regular meal routines and advanced planning is scary but that spontaneity is part of what makes a trip away so exciting. Although on this occasion, being away and allowing myself to try everything I wanted didddd trigger a bit of a downwards spiral, in hindsight, that was a pretty good flooding experience and learning experience in general because like…I was bloated as fuck by the end and you know, 2 weeks later and I’m still here. Plus, all that boujie low calorie “healthy”, “high protein” food is costly!  Gym lads must be broke, honestly. If I want to do enough to justify an exPerIencES section I have to start eating like a normal human being, right? And just buy the Chicago Town pizza and the regular Ben & Jerry’s on Clubcard (as hard as Gym Kitchen pizzas, Yorkshire Prov. soups, Oppo ice cream and Halo Top Cookies & Cream/Cookie Dough flavours slap and you can’t tell me otherwise). I’ve gotta get some CULTURE and replicate the (mostly) fine dining experiences I had at these bad boys, which are my London stand outs of the last few months. 

Tavolino, London Bridge

Price Point: £15-30

Tavolino was fucking exceptional and thank god for that, because there is nothing worse than ordering a meat dish and it not feeling worth breaking the veggie streak at the end of it all. Their slow cooked lamb tagliatelle ragu was absolutely sublimeee, and so is the view, with the restaurant sat right on the Thames with the best view you can get of the City area. That’s the bit with all the skyscrapers that isn’t Canary Wharf, lol. When you’re sat with a beautiful dish of pasta in front of you and it’s all lit up, you almost forget all the moral corruption happening over there x

The service was also top tier. We had a waiter whose customer service performance was so elite you could almost believe they didn’t despise all other human beings which I feel at this point is an inevitability of working in a public facing job, lol. Like, he was super attentive but not annoyingly so to the point where you spend more time awkwardly swallowing your food as quickly as possible to feed back your enjoyment than you do actually eating it. 

My pasta was a leeetle bit on the pricier side (by my standards anyway, though relative to other London restaurants it’s one of the affordable ones, if you’re just doing mains and either a starter or dessert for instance). My pasta was probs the most expensive on the menu at about £17, discounting anything including seafood or truffle which are both icks for me anyway. I think I should take that as indication of the fact that my dream of living off the King’s Road is ill-fated, if I hadn’t worked that one out already when my card got declined in the Waitrose there when I tried to buy an own brand soup.

2. Ollie’s House, Chelsea

Price Point: £10-20

Sooo one of the absolute best things about treatment is that the clinic I go to is situated in the South Kensington/Chelsea area, which is how I came across Ollie’s House and a couple of the other faves I’ll mention. I should mention that yes, this is an NHS service, the clinic just happens to be based in Chelsea. I do not share a therapist with any Made in Chelsea cast members so no, I don’t have any wild stories about seeing Jamie Laing have a breakdown in the reception because being an heir to the owners of the UK’s bestselling biscuit company has given him pathological aversion to rich teas, or anything like that, sorry. 

-To clarify, that is a HYPOTHETICAL scenario. Jamie Laing’s family pls don’t sue me for misrepresentation, I’m a devoted fan of digestive biscuits, trust I’m a fan.-

What I do have is the location of one of the best all day brunch locations in London. Before you even get to the food, which constitutes a menu made up of Australian/Indonesian dishes (a fusion that produces reliably dreamy results and is arguably the only good thing to come out of rich Australians gentrification of that region), the interior itself of Ollie’s House is perfect. It’s spacious and airy, but also warm and inviting, full of plants and drenched in a colour palette inspired by sunset on one of Bali’s backpacker infested beaches. I should add here that I’ve never actually witnessed a Bali sunset but…a sunset is a sunset, you know. I’m gonna guess it’s the interior as a whole which gives the beach-y vibes, lol. 

Then there’s my Nasi Goreng which was ARGH. Beautiful, gorgeous, incredible. Rice for brekky, what a concept. Again, super friendly servers, which always adds to the experience.

3. The Jam, Chelsea

Price Point: £15-30

If I had to name just one of the restaurants I’ve visited in London as most worthy of the “hidden gem” title, it is The Jam, without doubt. From the outside it’s nothing flashy and it’s pretty small but the layout is everythinggg! The tables are on balconies! Like little treehouse structures! It’s adorable! I mean don’t get me wrong, you don’t HAVE to sit at one of the balcony tables if you don’t wanna climb the ladder up there (like, if you’re gonna be very thorough in your mission of trialling their very reasonably priced cocktails…perhaps…don’t?) but it’s so fun and makes you feel a little bit like a child again. It kind of does the impossible by creating an atmosphere that’s as lively as it is kitschy whilst still maintaining a sense of intimacy at each table, and general aura of sophistication. Say the food was just…decent, the novelty of the layout would make it worth a visit maybe just for the drinks, but idk, I feel like you can never be TOO disappointed by pizza ffs. What makes The Jam one of my absolute favourites, though, not of just the first half of this year but probably all time, is that the pizza is fucking heavenly and HUGE on that note. Mine was nduja, salami, and burrata and holy shit it was good. Like I am a pizza QUEEN. A good pizza outranks pretty much any other dish bar a good burger. This is up there with Crust Bros in Waterloo and this lil place called Pizza Baracca in my hometown area. This is a niche one because it’s a little family run takeaway in an area where the tourist industry is DYING (something I’m guessing the, uh, multiple recent stabbing as on the beach have a little to do with) but if by some wild and quite honestly bewildering coincidence you ARE reading this, and you have plans to broach the Dorset region over the summer, here’s your Deliveroo back up. You’re welcome. Consider them bonus recommendations xo

4. The Yorkshire Pudding Burrito Company, Kerb Market @ Camden Lock

Price Point: <£10

Look, Camden Lock in general is not what it’s hyped up to be. It is always teeming with people, seemingly regardless of when you visit. But the food on offer at the Kerb Market despite the lack of sheltered, and frequently, actually available, seating, makes it entirely worth a visit; on a warm, dry day you’ve also got the option of walking a little bit further along the canal to find somewhere quieter to eat. There’s a few Kerb street food markets dotted about London, and the South Bank one is a lot closer to me, but it truly pales in comparison. Not only does it house the Mac Factory (truly my bestie back in 2018 when I was in UCL halls and there was a branch at Euston Square station less than 100m away), but it has the Yorkshire Pudding Burrito Company which I’ve always wanted to try. That I spent SO much money on food in first year and passed the second half of it in a binge cycle and in that time, never tried one? A tragedy, lol, because it meant I’ve I spent the last few Christmasses telling myself that the ones they sell at my hometown’s Christmas market would suffice only to chicken out on that aspiration because it felt like a waste to go for the imitation when the real deal was out there. 

But recently, when I’ve travelled back up to London for therapy, I’ve been challenging myself and going through my Google maps list of all the places I bookmarked to eat whilst I was up there and couldn’t face the anxiety of at the time. My sister and I found ourselves in Camden recently for an art exhibition and on this occasion, it seemed like fate to test if it did live up to the expectations I’d formed over the years, which is a rarity. And guysss, the impossible occurred. It ACTUALLY DID. The meat was melt in your mouth tender, full of flavour, and the roasties and garlic and rosemary caramelised veg inside were exquisitely done. For it all to be wrapped in a fluffy Yorkshire pudding though like…ARGH. Otherworldly experience, truly. I know it was just that good because the lack of mint sauce didn’t bother me, and this was something which used to necessitate suppressing the urge to throw hands when I opened the fridge on a Sunday and noted it’s absence. Of all the cravings that stand in the way of going full veggie, a banging roast is one of them.

My last pro tip is that if you’re a caramelised biscuit fan, which it seems we all are atm (and I hope it’s a food trend that, much like Oreo filled/flavoured anything, salted caramel and “gold” chocolate, stands the test of time because I’m obsessed), follow up your Yorkshire Pudding Burrito company wrap with some Lotus flavoured ice cream from the Soho Ice Cream company. It is by far the most reminiscent of an actual lotus biscuit of the ones I’ve tried. There’s also a Chin Chin Dessert Club branch at the lock which is another magnificent way of tying a bow on top of what I advise you make a 3 course meal. If you want a YPBC wrap (I can’t type the whole thing out again, soz) or a Mac Factory pot but you also see something else you can’t resist trying, I say do starters too lol. You will spend more than you would at a sit down restaurant probs but look, if you’re a tourist doing the whole London thing, street food markets are an unmissable staple.

5. Badiani Gelato, various London sites (& Brighton!)

Price Point: £5-10

Anyone I spend any decent amount of time with will know I am an ice cream connoisseur. It’s a toss up with pasta for the one food I could eat forever. It is absolutely no surprise I have a list of every ice cream place I want to visit in London. I’m dedicated to the cause, whatever time of year, and no judgemental looks from McDonald’s staff for ordering a Mcflurry to go in December or tuts from the lunch lady at my secondary school for buying a Feast ice cream for lunch in sub zero temperatures has ever knocked my undying determination to satiate my yearning.

This pursuit continues to the capital and thus far, nothing has come close to Badiani gelato, another one I treated myself to for the first time after a therapy session given there’s one super close. I really can’t see anything tasting quite as good as their salted butter caramel flavour or their signature Buontalenti flavour (the Fior di Latte and white chocolate are fucking incredibleee too). Like listen, say heaven does exist. Say I don’t get to go there. There isn’t an Angel up in that cloud land who could whip up anything this ethereal tasting for God himself. Soo abandoning my disbelief in anything supernatural, if I’m allowed to stay as a ghost lurking on the King’s Road forever, I’ll be okay with that.

I’ve been enough now that I recognise some of the staff and they’re all really sweet and generous with the free samples too, lol, and there’s a cute covered patio area at the back too so you can sit in and eat. In the unlikely circumstance in which anybody with the same niche bucket list comes across this, this needs to be at the top.

6. Unity Diner, Whitechapel

Price Point: £10-25

Vegan cheese is usually pretty rough. I think most of us who eat both that and the real deal can agree. But whatever godly concoction it is Unity Diner drench their Philly Cheesesteak in is enough for them to deserve Vogue’s bestowal of the best Vegan restaurant in London award all on its own because they did the impossible: created something even more bursting with flavour than the dairy cheese on any similar dish I’ve had elsewhere.

Add to that the incredibly friendly, warm and informative service, the interior, the entirely sustainable business model and 100% cruelty free menu, and I hope this place stays open forever. If it becomes one of the long list of Veggie places in London that have shut down the last few years I will be absolutely gutted.

7. Bancone, Golden Square, Soho

Price Point: £10-25

Right off the bat, I do want to make clear that it is the Golden Square branch (not Covent Garden’s) of Bancone I’m hyping up. I’m sure this a statement that is going to absolutely devastate a restaurant which gets entirely booked up until 9pm on weekdays a fortnight in advance, lol, but yes, the former is very much in my bad books. It’s a policy which probably extends to both their branches but look, I got stung in Covent Garden so I’ll be damned if I favour that place. They charged me a £50 no show fee. FIFTY FUCKING POUND. Their most expensive pasta is probably half that price. Let me repeat myself: FIFTY. POUND. We are in a cost of living crisis here! And forgive me pls if I can’t wait for god knows how long for someone to pick up the store phone so I can try and reschedule because they don’t let you do it online if it’s not done days in advance or whatever. I was MAD mad. I sent a very strongly worded email. They did refund me but that I begrudge that I had to go pompous customer mode for that courtesy.

Moving on to the ray of sunshine, anyway, which is the Golden Square branch because I came here for a food love fest not a pile on. Yes, the silk handkerchief pasta is every bit as good as it looks and way more filling than you would think. Our waitress was also so sweet despite the fact she was stunning enough to make me reconsider the boy brow and resembled Dua Lipa. The internalised misogyny had me expecting a lil bit of snobbery and I’m mad at myself for that because I’m almost pleasantly surprised every time a pretty waitress gives good service and this is in spite of my worst service encounters being dished out by male waiters at 2 separate Big Mamma restaurants. Yes, I’m @-ing the guy at Circolo Poppolare who scoffed at one of our party for trying to order a dessert wine with her main (imagine mansplaining wine ffs), and at Gloria who stood glaring at my friend and I as we approached the midway point of what we were reminded was ONLY AN HOUR AND A HALF booking slot the second we walked through the door. He took my cacio e Pepe dish off me the minute I finished my last string of pasta COMPLETELY DISREGARDING THE BOWL OF SAUCE I STILL HAD! Sir, I am a broke student. You’re going to punish me for not being able to afford a multi-course meal by taking away the food I DID order before it’s finished. 

This is really turning into a restaurant rant section, I’m sorry, but I have a lot of feelings about food. Did I mention? I can only apologise. At least you can skim read a post, it’s the people I’ll bore to tears with this shit irl I owe the apology to, whoopsies. The next 3 are short and sweet!

8. Miscusi, Covent Garden

Price Point: £10-20

What Miscusi does really well is balance a quick and casual vibe with stand out service and incredible quality pasta which far surpasses in taste what you’d expect from how affordable it is. It kinda works a bit like Crust Bros (or Subway I guess, lol, which would ofc be worthy of a shout out if it wasn’t like, the world’s largest fast food chain. There are more of them than MDONALDS?!) that although there are preset options the main appeal is the create your own option where you get to pick the pasta, sauce and toppings. I made mine pretty much identical to the truffle vegan pesto pasta with the substitution of the truffle for good old regular sautéed mushrooms because as I’ve said, my taste isn’t that boujie, lol, and it was delicious. Can’t fault it. A perfect pasta dish tbh.

9. Chrome, St.Christopher’s Place

Price Point: £10-15

3 words: Biscoff french toast. Need I say more?

10. Patty & Bun, various sites (cheating, kinda)

Price Point: £10-15

Okay so including Patty & Bun in a London eats section even though there’s one in Brighton isn’t the part that makes it’s inclusion rogue because, like, Badiani has a Brighton branch too and I always tend to think of Brighton as London-on-sea anyway. It’s just that their Smokey Robinson burger (caramelised onions, smoky peanut butter mayo, and then I think the optional addition of chilli jam which stays improving literally any dish ever) is probs what saved me dropping out of uni for the second time at the beginning of 2nd year one night. I was sick of anorexia, sick of how hard it was making the basic organisational tasks required of my degree and sick of the imposter syndrome that came with that. I did what I had to do: flaked on the night at Ministry of Sound I’d organised with friends, stuck on a horror, and ordered myself a burger and fries. I knew reverting to 13 year old Lauren’s coping mechanisms wouldn’t do wonders for my mood in the morning but I also knew that this fuck everything and drop out impulse was just a result of a build up of emotions, culminating in a minor panic attack and that I would be able to think more clearly in the clear light of day, lol. So yeah I can overlook Patty & Bun being a food experience occurring outside of the 2023 window. IT SAVED MY DEGREE. And plus, it’s the only burger I’ve had which rivals the Bournemouth special from Central Story-again, another niche recommendation but it’s blasphemy to talk about burgers without name dropping this place. Both make an unbeatable case for why peanut butter elevates everything. Idk what it is but it truly takes a burger to the next level. And wilder still is HOW its the inclusion of BISCOFF SPREAD in the Bournemouth special that makes it magical!? Can’t explain that one because it sounds like a monstrosity but trust me, it’s mind blowing. I could do an “according to all known laws of aviation, there is no way a bee should fly. The bee, of course, flies anyway, because bees don’t care what humans think is impossible” Barry B Benson style monologue on the matter if anyone wants to challenge my statement on that fact. Like I appreciate that according to all accepted culinary boundaries, this crossover, I.e  lotus, beef, cheese, onions, BBQ and chilli, should be inedible. But whoever the chef at Central Story is, they decided to go where most chefs wouldn’t dare tread and made something gorgeous. A true pioneer. It sounds so rogue but oh, feels SO right.

Now, to go international...

Lisbon, Portugal

I am aware that talking about an entire city as if it’s a cafe you could pop to one afternoon is very much giving Americans talking about going to “Europe” (sans further specification) energy but I only went for a few days and I feel like there’s soooOOo much there, we barely skimmed the surface; a “top things to do” list doesn’t feel warranted! I would LOVE to go back at some point in the near future to give it the rundown it deserves. It gets called the San Francisco of Europe, not that I knew that before, but now having been I resent it because the comparison does Lisbon a complete disservice. I see why the association is made; both are hilly cities with tram systems being the dominant means of transportation, and are situated on a waterfront. They also share near identical bridges. Again, I never knew but Lisbon has a near replica of SF’s Golden Gate landmark. Lisbon’s is smaller but built first by the same people responsible for the Golden Gate Bridge because Portugal’s dictator at the time found out about the plans for the SF version and demanded one too. Dickhead, diva behaviour. But shout out to the Uber driver turned tour guide who told us that.

Having spent the same amount of time in San Francisco 5/6 years ago, though, I prefer Lisbon! It just has more spirit-I know that’s kind of an abstract concept to define but I suppose it has less of the typical American city sheen, where as shiny and new and exciting as everything is, a lot of it seems cold and impersonal, and you know there’s always some pocket of poverty just around the corner that’s been pushed out of sight for the sake of maintaining this image. Lisbon feels more organic and laid back and has a cool, unexpected balance of trendy, hipster-y (I don’t know what other word to use, lol, but I don’t mean hipster in the negative sense as it’s generally used nowadays) areas and eateries, street art and brunch cafes GALORE, as well as older, more traditional streets and architecture teeming with history and the vibrant energy of the local community. Last but not least, let me tell you something about Lisbon: they love a pastry. You’ll find pastelerias, source of the most delicious crossaints known to man, on most streets. Anywhere which counts sweet carbs as constituting a crucial part of the culture is somewhere I’m more than happy to be.

NOW. Seeing as I can’t dedicate a whole section to recommending Cadbury’s Twisted chocolate buttons or Magnum Billionaire ice cream, I’d better move onto the next thing-I don’t think I can quite justify raving about food purchases you can make at your local Asda. So tell your internal monologue to put its best Robbie Williams hat on because this next section has the working title of:

Let MeeeEeE EnterTAIN YOU!

 Let’s talk about my fave distractions of this year:-)

Podcasts

I used to be a music girlie but now all I do is listen to podcasts. I feel very out of touch and uncool because I literally have no fucking idea what’s playing on the radio anymore hence why the prospect of going clubbing nowadays feels like a nightmare, but idk I just feel like I’ve never been someone who’s been engaged by music on its own and when I’m studying new content I find it hard to digest wordy stuff with pounding music. I do want to try and listen to music again but gotta find some way to incorporate it into my routine because I feel like such a fucking grandma at the ripe age of 24. Anyway, for podcasts, here are a few of my faves, ignoring the fact that I’m going outside the box of this post because it was supposed to be confined to things I’ve gotten into this year. It’s my first one though, allow me a little flexibility in this regard. There’s a lotttt of recommendations I must make.

Katherine Ryan’s Telling Everybody Everything: is everything Katherine’s husband says undercover tory coded? Yes. Am I almost certain he’s the kind of guy who admires Elon Musk on the DL? Yes. But I adore Katherine Ryan and could listen to her talk all day. I rarely disagree with her and it is a breath of fresh air to have someone who voices things that do depart slightly from the occasionally frustratingly rigid, moralistic stance of the people I follow. Don’t get me wrong, I agree with the online left’s consensus 90% of the time but I do hate how SERIOUSLY everything is taken and the pile-ons that result from an acknowledgedly uninformed, passing comment on an issue, and also the shaming that comes from being interested in something which giving attention to is deemed to contravene interests of that political stance. This is how we talk irl. Your friends don’t accuse you of being a morally defunct person because you have a simplistic or admittedly problematic view on some things. I feel like it’s possible to feel ways we know we shouldn’t and that we know rationally don’t align with our general philosophies and as long as it’s not anything prejudice driven, as long as those convos happen with the adage that we KNOW these opinions are a bit fucked, it shouldn’t be a criminal act to lightly discuss them in a setting free of consequence. I also kind of agree with her stance on comedy, in that there shouldn’t be anything off limits. Ofc, if there’s a pattern of someone making harmful and punch down kind of jokes, criticise them as much as you want. Don’t talk about them! Don’t make them a topic of conversation and bolster their audience! But if we start drawing a hard fast line between what’s punishable and earns an industry blackballing then comedy becomes completely predictable and that element of unpredictability is what makes it entertaining.

Stephanie Harlowe & Derek Lavasser’s Crime Weekly: I mean an interest in true crime may be exactly what I’m referring to when I talk about interests that contravene your expressed political stance because I see a lot of the people I follow online, who are pretty much as far as I know entirely left leaning, disapprove. But morbid curiosity is a human thing and Stephanie Harlowe, both on her podcast and YouTube channel always does it with the best intentions; the ridiculously extensive amount of research she does show an unparalleled level of commitment and intention to do justice (seriously, they have cases they spend about 6 or 7 hour and half episodes on), and even on the most infamous of cases you are bound to come away with a tonne of knowledge of the case that you were unaware was even out there.  I also love the dynamic between her and Derek Lavasser, whose presence is a crucial element of what makes this a standout podcast given his actual first hand experience of investigating cases. I think the best podcasts are those that feel like sitting in on a conversation with friends regardless of how serious the topic is and in Crime Weekly, they always manage to uphold that vibe. Stephanie is very opinionated and I know a lot of people might disagree with that and think we should take a neutral stance when discussing true crime but honestly, if I wanted to do that, I’d read a Wiki page. This is how we talk about things irl. We give our opinions, we have feelings, we relate it to our anecdotal experiences-as long as the line between opinion and fact is clear and respect for the victims is maintained then I don’t see the problem.

Red Handed: I love Suruthi and Hannah. I want to be one of their best mates, lol. Pls girlies, let me be your friend. Again, I know there are probably people out there who would be firmly against any kind of true crime content which has a lighthearted tone but I genuinely do feel like all the laughs come from the dynamic between these two and never at the cost of the victims involved in the cases they’re discussing.

Sounds like a Cult: I loved Amanda Montell’s book Cultish and this is again a podcast where the dynamic between the girls is what separates them from all the other podcasts of a similar nature. I do want to know about current events and the serious stuff that’s going on in the world but there is only so much existential dread a person can take without a bit of levity framing it; Amanda and Isa take a serious subject matter and apply it to something which at face value sounds trivial but results in some genuinely interesting discussions about just how pathological our appreciation of certain fads and individuals truly is.

Books

How to Kill Your Family, Bella Mackie: So technicallyyy, this is kinda cheating again because I read this last summer, lol, but I continue to recommend it above and beyond any book I’ve read in the meantime because it truly is the perfect novel. It’s Gone Girl dark subject matter but in snappy magazine columnist format and that is a feat of genre fusion rivalling the Indonesian Australian blended brunch. 

Boy Parts, Eliza Clark: an actual recent read, and the first knock out of a book I’ve read since How to Kill Your Family. Like, the narrator is a disgustingly awful human being, to the extent that has put me off reading books from the perspective of individuals who meet similar levels of awful in the past (for example, I could never quite get into Lolita). In this, though, it adds to the compulsion to keep going. It’s probs because she is awful in a way that never requires a suspension of disbelief, the kind of way I feel like we glorify in everyday life on a lesser scale, and so the satirical element feels very relevant. At the same time, it’s not so heavy on the satire that some of the left turns the narrative takes and how twisted things become is without impact. I’d say it’s a bit like the book equivalent of watching a Real Housewives of Beverly Hills episode where the women are at their most unhinged but with a more sinister undercurrent, like everything that takes place is referred to as if it’s an mildly scandalous everyday occurrence when in actuality it’s disturbing AF. Imagine watching back the episode where Brandi Glanville yells “at least I don’t do crystal meth in the bathroom all night, bitch” at Kim Richards with the foresight that not only was she on crystal meth but like, her and Kyle were actually in there carving up a body or something. All the dark stuff is woven into the protagonist’s co-occurring everyday mundanities that very accurately capture the worst parts of the mindset and social values of the present and the devastating realisation is like...it all fits, lol.

Television

House M.D (2004-2012): My brain cannot compute that Gregory House and Hugh Laurie are the same person. That thing people always say about standout performances “they brought the character to life”? Hugh DID THAT. He SERVED. His performance alone is arguably enough to make House a great show. But other than that, it’s the perfect blend of drama and levity and almost every series main with only a handful of exceptions is a character you truly want to see flourish. Plus, I love me a 40 min show; an episode of House flies by and I would say there are only about 2/3 throughout the 7 seasons I’ve watched so far I haven’t enjoyed, all of which were a bit too conceptual for my liking. Also can I just say? Wilson and House, one of the most engaging TV duos of all time. For them and them alone, I will condone the use of a word that is in all other circumstances cringe to me, to grant their relationship the title of the GOAT on-screen bromance. 

The Missing (2014-2016):  I do love a good Brit mystery drama, I do.

Search Party (2016-2022): so watchable, so ridiculous, funny as fuck, but also addictive.

Yellowjackets (2021-): A perfect show, truly. And I’ve just got to say...Christina Ricci’s Misty fills the Mona Vanderwaal shaped void in my life that Pretty Little Liars ending created.

Succession (2018-2023): Succession must be one of those shows that’s really annoying if you don’t watch it/tried watching it and weren’t a fan because anybody who does watch it never seems to shut the fuck up about it. But like, chill out, it’s ended now, and I feel like it did so in a way that was satisfying enough that we can put it to bed and appreciate it on reflection like a nice piece of art every now and again, lol. After Game of Thrones, the ending of which left me raging for a solid few months, I think we all breathe a sigh of relief at this point when a really hyped up show ends in a way that actually feels correct, and doesn’t violate everything we’ve been told about the characters right up until that moment. 

Also...with Succession ending, I realllllly hope we can firmly put a lid on the idea of stealth wealth dressing or whatever you wanna call it because I don’t give a fuck if the clothes are expensive, they’re bland, I’m SORRY:( I don’t like subtle, if that isn’t obvious from the Alessandro Michele appreciation, lmao.

Black Mirror, Joan is Awful, 6x01 (2023): Okay so the fact I like, just watched this before writing this post would suggest it would be better placed in 2023 part 2 but I don’t want to acknowledge the horrifyingly fast passing of time so I gotta talk about it now while it’s fresh on my mind. Because what a delight!!! Apart from the movie that came out a few years ago and one or two episodes, Black Mirror hasn’t blown me away in a while. This was like, classic Black Mirror for me. Like left me with an appropriate level of dread so as not to trigger a complete existential crisis but enough to make me physically shudder. It was also, off the top of my head based on foggy memories of past episodes, the funniest episode to date. I never knew Salma Hayek had such great comedic timing and I feel bad for that. I owe her way more appreciation.

The Trashy Stuff..

Married at First Sight: I have never ploughed through reality TV like I have Australian MAFS. I started watching it with my mum and was so incapable of waiting til she was free to watch the season we were on I started simultaneously watching the previous season on my own. We haven’t even finished that season together yet but my solo venture sees me 3 seasons deep at this point. The dinner parties, man! I can’t look away. So much second hand embarrassment, awkwardness and tension that manages to permeate its way through the TV screen and yet despite getting my fill of that in day to day life, I consume that shit like I do carbohydrates in a binge episode, lmao. I won’t deny it probably falls within the vein of exploitative trash TV but you know what, it’s in an exploitative trash TV league of its own and if I go another 10 years down the line without being bothered to go on a date because I GENUINELY FEEL LIKE I HAVE NO TIME!! Sign me up. Producers exploit TF out of me. Give me the awkward recluse who just does not have the energy for the shit that interaction with a solid 60% of men entails edit if you want, though the driven career woman who is just above them all works too xoxo I’ll make the same argument I make about Big Brother and say that I genuinely do think there’s at least a pat of me which enjoys it from the psychological perspective, like putting humans in high-stakes unknown territory has our common pathologies spilling out allll over the place to observe in the bright light of day/the TV’s fluorescence but yes, ofc my engagement with it goes beyond educational purposes. It must be a known fact that I love watching some toxic individuals because it came highly recommended to me; whilst it shouldn’t be a good thing if my friends think it’s on brand for me, I’ll take that hit to any illusions I have of my refinement if’s what brought this show into my life. 

Love Island: It’s in a similar vein to MAFs, but look, I have no shame in admitting that there are some summer days where knowing LI is airing later in the day is all that keeps me going. I need structure in my life. Time is a human construct but ITV2′s programme schedule is NOT and if this show airing at 9pm every night is all that’s set in stone I’ll take it. No speak of guilty pleasures here. Straight up pleasure. It’s trash, it’s staged, it’s shallow, blah blah blah, but it’s in this brief period when the annual summer season airs I feel a sense of NATIONAL UNITY that, for once, doesn’t stem from something a little too closely aligned with things you’d see or hear at an EDL rally. England is really lacking in things to feel patriotic about that don’t have some kind of murky colonialist past, lmao.  So SUE ME. It’s giving judgemental. If you want to miss out on the top tier comedy going on this far this season (best cast in years I thinkkk) then that’s your loss. 

Film

Maybe mentioning some of my fave movies in this post issss taking a slight shortcut by removing the need to include them in my eventual film list buuut anyways idk, I love going to the cinema and a post like this would feel compete without naming a few standouts. For the sake of emulating a film ranking post, assume all these would fall under God tier:

Barbarian, dir. Zach Cregger (2022): A bit of a creature feature and a wild ride from start to finish. Definitely has the qualities of a modern classic horror, relatively simple narrative but definitely layered and open to interpretation if that’s your kinda thing.

M3gan, dir. Gerard Johnstone (2022): I could definitely get a roasting for including M3gan on this list and by implication, that it warrants a God Tier ranking but like 1). I’ve gone on for sooOOo long now that I doubt anybody who has got to this point has the brain power left to process this controversial stance and 2). even if this does register, I am willing to die on the hill of it being a perfect movie anyways. There’s probably plot holes, nonsensical writing and bad acting galore, but if there was I didn’t notice it because I was having a WHALE of a time. Sign me up to rewatch this at the cinema over a night out any day. Hear me out…it’s all the issues and psychology debates about artificial intelligence and the singularity and attachment theory and the dark stuff that might entail, yes, on what is probably a very, very shallow level, a massively take on all that stuff I’m sure many will argue but okay, nerd!!!! Live a little! It’s of the moment! Isn’t horror supposed to take that thing we’re all really afraid and exploit the fact that we know, like, next to nothing about the science of it all to paint some utterly ridiculous worst case scenario!? For whatever reason I can think of 0 examples of this right now, but I’m sure there’s some smart video essays out there about it that will explain it in an intellectual, less indignant way, lol. Like maybe I’m just amalgamating a bunch of unrelated facts in my mind here and coming out with some bullshit false statement but I’m suuuure I have read/seen/watched a video about how the vampire craze within horror has some kind of origin in tuberculosis panic hundreds of years ago. Don’t quote me on that! The only thing I’m sure on here, that I take zero issue with being quoted on, in which I have no qualms saying, is that M3gan was WILD!! ICONIC!!! It’s Chucky for the Elon Musk girlbossgaslightgatekeep era. Giving campy halloween classic. I'm standing my ground on this one.

Bodies, Bodies, Bodies, dir. Halina Reijn (2022): Imagine Bodies, Bodies, Bodies being your English language debut and still managing to capture the most annoying aspects of the speech patterns we’ve (and when I say we, I mean American and English youth, and yes, I include myself in that lol) developed this well. Uncanny. Even more impressively is how Halina Reijn is able to set the scene to communicate that very particular chaotic energy that hangs in the air when you put a bunch of intoxicated people with a messy group dynamic in a room together. The kind that unifies a startup company’s christmas do for their employees with a teenage house party. Like everyone’s kind of wild and throwing their weight around and letting off steam. The suffocating weight of the school/office/retail/what-have-you environment is lifted and at first the mood is electric and people who usually can’t stand each other are laughing together, getting on like a house on fire. But you KNOWW, you just know, someone’s gonna unleash some uncomfortable truth at any second, pull it back like an arrow back through the bow, fire it straight into the target and send half the room feral. Halina brought that dangerous kind of excitement to the screen in a way I don’t think any other director has managed in recent years, besides perhaps Gaspar Noé with Climax, but this was a lot more fun. It isn’t quiteeee on the same level but Bodies, Bodies, Bodies does the same kinda thing that the first Scream movie did in the 90s in making a film that is equal parts horror to Pandora’s Box for this moment in history, putting all the worst traits of our collective psyche in the...spotlight? Strobe light? Glowstick light? It’s glowsticks that were all over the ad campaign, right? She even got the Y2K aesthetic craze nailed down there, didn’t she.

 •Scream VI, dir(s). Tyler Gillett & Matt Bettinelli-Olpin (2023): 

That segue, honestly. The stuff of legend.

Admittedly, I didn’t make the Scream/Bodies, Bodies, Bodies comparison just for that purpose. But it does round off the post in a very satisfying way so I’ll pat myself on the back for it regardless. 

Speaking of legends...see, clunky when intentional...

I have to, of course, gas up this year’s Scream. Howwww there’s been soOoo many at this point and how they continue to be wonderful yet consistently on brand, when the brand in question could so easily go stale, is a marvel. It’s probably the franchise that got me into horror (or maybe Final Destination, it’s a toss-up) and if I’d watched something like the Insidious series first I don’t know if I’d be the horror fan I am today, possibly deprived of my beloved genre. Like I started watching them back when I still believed in ghosts and I was super sensitive to high levels of what they tend to categorise as “threat” or “suspense” which seems to be code for supernatural stuff. Now I’m a non-believer (lol) I love the supernatural stuff just as much when there’s a good story but I will always, and clearly have always, loved a good slasher, especially with a sense of humour. Scream is truly the prototype for that. It never misses. 

Plus, side note, I love that they gave Sidney closure. It shows confident writing, which again is something the films always deliver on. Similarly, the casting of Jenna Ortega and Melissa Barrera as the series’ new protagonists makes perfect sense; a new Scream is an instalment that never disappoints.

Much like...this post? 

Let’s just pretend that was an intentionally awful segue for the sake of continuity and not me having no idea how to tie a bow on this fucking ESSAY from me. Whoops.

But yeah!!

I guess that covers it all! She says after a post that supersedes the word count of your average dissertation, which is probably the crux of why I struggle with academic essay writing, lol. I love a waffle, cannot help myself. It’s a need that would ordinarily be satisfied through the medium of creative fiction writing but until I finish coursework anything requiring deep and meaningful thought is out of the question. One can only hope I don’t completely flop my degree and that by summer 2024, posts of this nature will be significantly shorter. In the meantime though, I do have a couple of photo dominated posts planned, including finally posting what we’ll call a master post of all the FW22 shows I didn’t finish covering, as well as SS23 which are actually of relevance to balance out the notion that it’s just a content dump (which it essentially is but idk, we all love a good runway photo set). Blame Tumblr’s stance on the female nipple which means fashion week posts are always delayed because I have to go back and photoshop out all the tatas. As welll as that I have an outfit post planned which is one of my faves I’ve everrrr done and basically another “sitting front row at” thang. 

And to anybody who comes across this post on the recovery tag and reads that section, please don’t hesitate to inbox me. In fact, I’d love it if you did, regardless of whether or not it extends to anything beyond that. Like I said as well, constructive criticism is much appreciated, though I love hearing people’s recovery stories too. To anyone who identified with my ramble and is struggling too, I’m sorry you’re dealing with this and I’m sorry it likely feels as if no one understand. I do and lots of people do and even if it’s not fully fledged formal treatment there are recourses out there. Suggestions in that regards are very encouraged!

But yeah! In summary, love & hugs to all!:D

Lauren xx

[justatalkingface]

Even more so than the other female characters, I argue Momo has been screwed over massively both in-universe and out; her public image is in tatters after being publicly humiliated during the Sports Festival, meaning the hero industry is unlikely to take her seriously, and from then on she's constantly being denied any poorrtunity to be relevant or even prove she's more than someone who can help the "true" heroes, in spite of being potentially the most OP character in the entire fucking setting.

I've actually written a fic that deconstructs the way she's treated by Horikoshi and the likely in-universe consequences of such.

Ah, Momo. You were meant for so much more than this.

So, the thing is with Momo and her reputation is you need to remember that she's not... unique in these problems. To be blunt, you can count on one hand the number of non-sexualized females of any importance, and it seems to be baked into the industry on a fundamental level, again considering how sexualized the heroines seem to be. So, in that context, Momo's outfit (sigh) isn't actually a problem, because the only reason she shows so much more skin that everyone else is because of her power which 'demands' it.

The thing is that Momo's costume has both Watsonian and Doyislist problems with it's design; on the Watsonian end, Mirio exists, as I've said before, and since his costume can be made to work with his power, there's no reason that Momo's costume can't work with her powers. And, while it's canon that she asked for that skin to be exposed, to work with her powers (which... I kind of look at judgingly but ultimately can buy), the people who made her costume, presumably, actually communicate with their customers and offer suggestions, like, 'what if we make this this color instead'? Or, maybe, and relevently, 'what if we make it so you don't have to be half naked and exposed to the elements to use your power'?

It honestly should be part of their jobs to not only make what these kids want, but to help them figure out what they want, and use their careers in making these kinds of costumes to think of something an inexperienced kid without industry knowledge wouldn't.

Or, to be even bolder, even if that was, like, a UA special, something that would have to happen in-house after being in school instead of random company or something... buttons exist. And zippers. And velcro. And, hell, magnets, if you want to be fancy with My Hero's high tech levels, and are used in her dictionary she carries around. In other words, even if Momo's powers require all this exposed skin to properly leverage it... can't they do something that opens and closes? So she can be battle ready, and then be able to walk around and not get sick from a brisk breeze; rocket science that isn't.

Meanwhile, the Doyalist problem is that Hori designed this. The requirements for the power exist because of him, her costume looks like that because he wants it to. Even if you're keeping to the idea of 'made from her body' to go off the idea that Quirks are biologic, it's so unnatural that it wouldn't stretch imagination that whatever she made just sprouted from her hands, and that things like the size to skin ratio are as irrelevant as Momo making a cannon that probably weighs more than she does without visibly losing weight.

There are dozens of ways, with minimal changes to her Quirk, to get past this problem. Hori chose none of them.

On the matter of Sports Festival humiliation... the cheerleading and Tokoyami. On the cheerleading... Yeah. While that was personally humiliating, in that she didn't want to do it, was tricked into doing it, and was unhappy about it, between MHA's entire... female end of the heroics in general, and the way they did it as a group, outsiders probably thought they just did that to encourage their classmates and so it was acceptable, instead of being punked on national television. So, from that perspective, that probably didn't damager her career, but only because MHA heroics standards on this thing is so low that no one thought much of it.

Which. Is not exactly a shining defense: 'Everything about this is terrible, therefore this one specific terrible thing vanished into all the other terrible things and so had no real consequences!' is not an argument that fills me with the warm fuzzies, but it is what it is.

Tokoyami though... I'm going to segway this into her power in general, because the thing is she should have been able to win that, easily.

Tokoyami: I use my incredibly light sensitive living shadow!

Momo: I use a road flare! Or a flashbang! Or a spot light! Or one those big flashlights that can cause actual damage to your eyes!

Tokoyami: Oh no, my one weakness! Bright light!

Momo: Haha! My big brain allowed me to see your weakness and pull out the proper tool to exploit it to my advantage!

After that, use a bo staff, her default weapon that she's trained in using, or something to drive him off the stage; GG easy.

The thing is with Momo's powers is... part of it is that, obviously, that Hori doesn't want her to be competent, or powerful, or a viable threat to anyone tougher than a nameless thug, the same way that every female not named Mirko is. But more that, more than the other female heroes, her power is just... criminally under used, and to some extent it's because it's that potentially broken.

I've mentioned it before, beyond anything else a tranq gun, some flashbangs, and more sleeping gas in a more easily handled container would be a massive game changer; a good ninety percent of the setting could be easily managed with those tools alone, and maybe her wearing a gas mask or some night vision goggles.

But if I'm remembering right, she uses a electric proof blanket to survive Kaminari's full out electric blast. Well, off that alone, she should also be able to make some sort of fire retardant material to tank fire, warm stuff, layers and actual heat generation for ice, and depending on the situation something super absorbent or a rebreather for water, and just like that the basic elements are covered.

Walls in the way? Good thing Momo has siege equipment/a cannon/high explosives/a battering ram!

Are you falling? Jet pack/pillows/pile of flubber, depending on how serious you're playing it and how high tech the objects she can make.

Speaking of, support gear exists, which can effectively give people superpowers while using them, including offense ones. Momo is a super genius who can memorize things super easily, with a belt carried dictionary filled with useful designs. Why... can't she just pull out 'Insert gear here' for any given situation?

Because it's too broken, too adaptable. Full Potential Momo is basiclly memetic Infinite Prep Time Batman; at virtually any given situation, with the technology she should be able to access, she should be able to counter whatever problem she's facing almost instantly, short of Izuku, SFO, AFO, and the few others with enough raw power to just overwhelm her adaptability. She's so broken that, if Hori allowed her any true successes, (more) people are going to start asking, 'What about Momo? Why can't she do X like she did last time?'

So, instead of dealing with that, the genius prodigy Momo is just stuck with an idiot ball for a head.

[asmallorb]

PIZZA TOWER the Towers & Toppins AU: Character Creation P1

 (Updated 24/03/23)

D&D5e meets Pizza Tower, that’s it. That’s the bit. 

Starting a fun, zero pressured side venture to satiate my current interests and have something to do as I chip away at animating/rendering for my latest freelance gig. I have thoughts and ideas, and I shall be updating the post with anything else I think of as I go along as well as ideas contributed by others, should anyone have any (That and correcting any inevitable typos). All this may even culminate in a playable character sheet.

It should be noted that I am not going to minmaxing builds that have the perfect combination of races, classes and feats. I’m going for what I think is the most fitting/entertaining/creative. 

Peppino Spaghetti:

Race: Variant Human

There is a temptation to make Peppino a half-orc to maximise his tankiness and get access to those sweet sweet racial traits, but Peppino’s appeal is that he is just a guy! A very anxiety riddled, angry, violent middle aged, funny guy. I think human fits him perfectly. Make him a variant human to let us choose an additional proficiency in artisan's tools, specifically cook's utensils, and a feat which I will address later. 

Class(es): Barbarian/ Monk 

Peppino’s build needs to reflect his gameplay - able to take hits, has the tool kit to perform incredible acrobatic feats and speed to overcome just about any terrain or obstacle and has the capacity to deliver an absolute beating on any poor creature standing in his way. You can’t get much better than a Barbarian/Monk multiclass for that.  On the Barbarian side you have an Extra Attack, Fast Movement and  Reckless Attack which as per the description: “you can throw aside all concern for defence to attack with fierce desperation.” On the monk side you’ve got Step of the Wind for dashing around, extra speed if you’re unarmoured (which plays nicely into the Barbarian abilities) and Martial Arts for unarmed strikes with is very much Peppi’s style. And of course, Patient Defense at the start and Evasion later on  which are the perfect taunt equivalents. 

Then there’s the two key abilities of each class that instantly came to mind when I thought of Peppino in the context of D&D. 1) Barbarian Rage. 2) The Monk’s Flurry of Blows.

Look at him go. 

Subclass(es): Barbarian Path of the Ancestral Guardian and Way of the Ascendant Dragon.

I know Path of the Berserker is right there and ticks every box, but hear me out. The class alone is enough to supply the rage that Peppino is well known for, and the Berserker is a very standard option from the PHB. This is a fantasy version of Peppino, not go for something a little more flavourful with our pizza pounding paisano?

Lets give him the barbarian path of the ancestral guardian. Peppino mother-fucking Spaghetti has pasta sauce flowing through his veins. I fully believe that his pizzas are made from a recipe handed down from generation to generation. Authentic, immaculate and impossible to imitate. Peppino’s power comes from the spiritual might of his hot-blooded Italian ancestors and you cannot convince me otherwise. Watch him summon ghostly nonnas wielding rolling pins to battle and tell me that’s not the most fitting and badass thing you ever saw. 

As to what his Monk subclass could be, it took a lot of comparing the published subclasses, and less figuring out what was the most relevant but filtering the completely irrelevant and looking at what was left.  You’ve got subclasses like Way of the Open Palm, Way of Astral Self and the Way of Mercy. And all of these have themes of peace, tranquillity and healing and um...

There’s no way that Peppino fits into those boxes. So what COULD fit? Well we have a theme of cooking going on. Cooking already has this theme of harnessing nature, commanding fire, water and ingredients harvested from the natural world. Could the Way of the Four Elements work? Problem is with that subclass is that it’s sort of not a fun experience unless you heavily house rule it or tweak it through homebrew. Look up the subclass online and most of the chatter around it is focused on fixing it. Additionally, there’s a lot of pausing from doing monk related stuff to fiddle around with spellcasting and that’s not really Peppi’s rush in and hit hard style.  So what did I finally land on? After a lot of thinking I went with Way of the Ascendant Dragon. Dragon’s are iconic monsters and are intrinsically linked with themes of fire, wrath and the natural elements. Plus, dragons in D&D aren’t just mindless monsters, they live for centuries and some even spend years honing magic and mortal crafts. Some we could potentially weave a story here of Peppi’s ancestors somehow being inspired by dragons or being directly granted knowledge of fire and cookery from a dragon in the distant past. OR it was Peppino himself that came into contact with something draconic, there’s a few great flavour options from Fizban's Treasury of Dragons (the source of this monk path), and any one of them could be used. One of them being quote: “You found a scroll written in Draconic that contained inspiring new techniques.“, an old recipe book or scrap of paper for a damn good tomato sauce recipe maybe? 

The abilities of the path also grant monks fit quite nicely from a mechanical standpoint. Draconic Presence helps with intimidation checks, and once Peppi gets going with his dash or snaps the enemies and bosses find him frightening. Plus at 3rd level you get Breath of the Dragon, which can be flavoured to Peppino consuming a devil’s choice spicy pepper. That and the thought of Peppino belching fire in-between mashing foes into paste is very amusing.  !ADDENDUM! I have discovered there’s a 3rd party Barbarian subclass from the Tal'Dorei Campaign Setting called the Path of the Juggernaut. So far I’ve been leaning towards official WotC material, but if you wanted to stat Peppino in such a way that’s more game accurate and focuses purely on his physicality, Juggernaut is a good choice.  Feats: Tavern Brawler. 

Turns absolutely anything you pick up into an improvised weapon, living or material, enemy or friend. He literally uses Gustavo as a thrown projectile at one point. This is the feat for him. 

[smhalltheurlsaretaken]

THE BOX IS NABOO

That’s it, I’m doing it, I’m writing that stupid meta I’ve had in the works for two and a half years, I’m sharing it with the world. I promised it for last Thursday, my poll was forever ago, but whatever! I’m writing that freaking thing.

(super duper long post, press j to skip)

Enter my rabbit hole.

First thing to establish: the Box makes no sense whatsoever in-universe.

((EDIT: Something I forgot to mention. IRL, the premise of a giant murder cube and the aesthetic - wall patterns, light designs, etc - of the episode come from the 1997 horror movie Cube, (see the episode’s wookieepedia page). However, while the two are very closely linked visually, the Box does not follow the movie structurally or narratively, as you can verify by simply reading the movie’s summary.))

Recap of the context for the "Box" episode (s4e17): Palpatine is planning his own kidnapping. It was never meant to succeed, and while the plan would obviously benefit him (making the Jedi look bad, pushing Anakin closer to the Dark Side, making Republic citizens more afraid -> more docile, etc...) his actual goal is never explained, and it’s weird that he’d go to such extreme lengths for results so minimal that we’re never told what they are.

So Palpatine asks Dooku to kidnap him at the Festival of Lights on Naboo. Dooku hires Moralo Eval to design a giant box-thingy to test bounty hunters to hire the best of them to kidnap Palpatine. Moralo then gets arrested to alert the Republic that something is afoot, and hires Cad Bane to break him out. Obi-Wan - undercover to learn Moralo’s plan - goes with them. They evade capture and go to Serenno, and Bane and Obi-Wan have to pass the box-thingy test. The level of brainkarked logic here... Truly on par with Megamind, Gru and Heinz Doofenshmirtz.

Setting aside the insane plot holes and utterly nonsensical behavior of the villains, the Box itself is moronic from a plot perspective. It’s insanely complex, obviously incredibly expensive and would have taken months (more like years but it’s a short war) to make when it’s not even needed for the dastardly plot! Just hire some guys who have already proven themselves against Jedi! Throw cash at Bane and Embo and a few others! Maybe attack them with your saber and see how they do! 

And after all that, Dooku still ends up trying to kidnap Palpatine on his own. I can’t even... 

So why does the Box exist? Well, apart from being a nerdy callback to Cube, giving us a good thrill and being generally awesome to look at, it has actual narrative purpose within the SW universe.

The box is Naboo.

What the Box lacks in plot relevance, it makes up for with its heavily symbolic meaning. It very closely follows Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon’s experiences on Naboo - but only certain parts, which I’ll explain later.

We start with clean, sterile environments, SW’s favored way of showing villainy.

Then we have the protagonists locked in a room as dioxis, a poison gas, pours in.

And then they escape... this way.

(Okay, here the shaft is down, not up. And it’s not a ventilation shaft per say, it’s the designed escape route. Same difference).

We then skip most of TPM (namely, Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon discovering the droid army, finding Padmé, leaving Naboo, landing on Tatooine, going to Coruscant, etc, etc) to come back to Naboo and go directly to the lightsabers and catwalks.

(Note: in both scenes, Obi-Wan has to propel himself from a catwalk.)

In TPM and TCW, the catwalks are immediately followed by ray shields

And we finally end with the last scenes. Now, they don’t look the same but they are structurally identical. 

Obi-Wan is faced with a challenge unsuited for his abilities (facing Darth Maul // shooting three moving targets when he’s far more skilled with a blade than a blaster) on a narrow space above a melting pit/pit of fire. 

He first watches someone die failing to complete the task...

 ... and has to do it himself, faring much better than expected (holding his own against Maul // shooting all the targets easily). 

He then almost falls to his death and gets saved unexpectedly.

And then there’s the final showdown.

In both scenes, Obi-Wan is angry. And in TCW Dooku eggs him on, banking on his anger. (More on that later.) In both cases though, he centers himself and is able to overcome both his opponent and his own unbalance. But in TCW, he doesn’t go for the kill, because he doesn’t need to. 

The Box, as a literal character-explorator ex-machina, thus shows us Obi-Wan’s growth.  

In TPM, Obi-Wan follows Qui-Gon’s lead. In TCW, he is the leader. He identifies the gas, makes the plans. He doesn’t fall from catwalks anymore - he runs atop moving ones. He doesn’t stay stuck behind ray-shields, he finds the solution. (Btw, how did Moralo know what blood type Derrown the Exterminator was? There was a 50% chance of him dying - thus killing all of the bounty hunters. Was that an acceptable outcome? TCW I need answers!) He doesn’t slay his foes, because he’s become powerful enough, skilled enough and wise enough to survive (and win) without needing to kill.

He’s grown - and, even more interestingly, he’s also stayed the same. In the previous episodes, we see some of the dark aspects of Obi-Wan. How he - like all Force-wielders, all people - could lose himself if he stopped maintaining absolute control.

But in the Box, surrounded by the worst criminals of the Galaxy, the most ruthless, worthless people, he’s still kind and tries his best to keep them alive.

The Box is a reminder and a reassurance for the audience that Obi-Wan Kenobi is still there under Rako’s face. He hasn’t lost his compassion, his restrain. He’s still a Jedi. And he’s an awesome, badass one. 

And now, for what it tells us about Dooku! 

It’s much shorter, don’t worry. Basically, Dooku considers that the best way to pick “the best of the best” of the deadliest people in the Galaxy is making them go through what killed his Padawan. There, I’ve broken your hearts, you’re welcome. 

More seriously, Dooku is a manipulative ass. It’s pretty clear that he knows Rako is Obi-Wan, or at the very least suspects it. 

He has an interesting reaction upon learning Rako’s identity, he keeps praising him despite his usual distaste for low-lifes, he smirks secretively after Eval says “I’ll show you who’s weak” (not included there because it’s a close-up of Dooku’s lips and no one wants to see that) and he tells Rako he’s very disappointed when he doesn’t finish off Eval.

[Later]

(Look at this smug asshole - I can’t. YOUR GRANDSON IS THE BEST, WE KNOW, STOP ACTIVELY RUINING HIS LIFE ALREADY.)

(Dooku... why...)

Now obviously Dooku couldn’t have made the Box specifically for Obi-Wan, because it would have to have been designed months before the Council ever decided to send Obi-Wan undercover, but he has no qualms trying to use it to push Obi-Wan to the Dark Side. Ffs Dooku, making your spiritual grandson relive one of the most traumatic events of his life on the off chance that he’ll join you (and desecrate his Master’s memory in doing so) is not okay!

Final tidbits of analysis: I mentioned that not all of TPM is mirrored in the Box. What’s omitted is the droids (even though Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon fight B1′s and droidekas between the dioxis and the ventilation shafts) and anything pertaining to Sidious (all the political stuff on Coruscant). You’ll also note that the fake lightsabers are orange.

=> The Box distances itself from anything that connects Dooku to Naboo. Red lightsabers are the trademark of the Sith, so they’re not used. The bounty hunters will be facing Jedi, so logically the fake sabers should be green or blue - and yet they’re orange, the color closest to red without being red. It fits with Dooku’s special brand of dishonesty - he always tells bits of the real story but twists them just enough to absolve himself of any fault and to justify his choices. 

(”We can destroy the Sith” -> could maybe destroy Sidious with Obi-Wan, but fails to mention he’s a Sith Lord himself; “the Viceroy came to me for help, that’s why I’m attacking the Republic” -> political idealism is a small part of it, but fails to mention he’s Sidious’ underling and is playing the Viceroy like a fiddle; “Qui-Gon would have joined me” -> maybe, still fails to mention he’s working for the man who ordered Qui-Gon’s death; “I told you everything you needed to know” -> debatable, never said that Palps was Sidious; “Sifo-Dyas understood, that’s why he helped me” -> partly true, doesn’t admit to killing Sifo-Dyas right after getting his help)

So we have a twisted version of Naboo, droid-free (as droids are now irrevocably associated with Dooku, even if that wasn’t the case in TPM) and with sabers that aren’t quite red. Keep in mind that Dooku had already fallen by TPM. (We know this because he killed Sifo-Dyas and created the Clone Army - part of Sidious’ plan - when Valorum was still Chancellor, as per the episode The Lost One.) That means Dooku was (in)directly complicit in Qui-Gon’s death. And the Box doesn’t (=refuses to?) acknowledge that. 

(Also omitted in the Box are the Gungans and Tatooine. It makes sense, because Dooku probably wouldn’t have the full details regarding those parts of Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan’s missio as they weren’t as public, and would see them as irrelevant if he did. He utterly despises Anakin, and Gungans are the type of people he always dismisses out of hand). 

Anyway, that’s my two cents about the Box. To quote Lucas...

“It’s like poetry. It rhymes.”

Thanks to @lethebantroubadour @impossiblybluebox​ @nonbinarywithaknife @ytoz​ and @kaitie85386​ for voting for this one. Next up is a compilation of the Jedi being casually tactile with each other (because they’re a warm and affectionate culture, dammit).

Also thanks to @laciefuyu​ for giving me gifs I ended up not using ^^; you rock anyway!

[mostlysignssomeportents]

Anti-vaxers cool the mark

I often write about the material conditions that make people vulnerable to conspiratorial thinking, especially covid-denial, anti-masking, and vaccine refusal.

https://pluralistic.net/2021/08/04/eighty-sixed/#risk-management

Specifically, I think it’s important to go beyond the mystical explanations of “algorithmic radicalization” that assume that ad-tech companies are telling the truth when they claim that big data and machine learning can make people do anything.

https://onezero.medium.com/how-to-destroy-surveillance-capitalism-8135e6744d59

The fact that regulators let the Sacklers tell obvious lies about opioid safety so that they could make $10+b pushing Oxy, igniting the opioid epidemic that has killed 800,000 Americans is a good reason not to trust “the system.”

Which is not to say that platforms are irrelevant to the growth of conspiracies — but that relevance is not in the automated mind-control. Rather, it’s that online platforms let people find each other.

That’s what ad-tech is, a people-finding machine, e.g., “Find me people who looked at fridge reviews to show these fridge ads to.”

People-finding has a profound impact on our ideology and discourse.

People with all kinds of disfavored views can locate others without risking social sanction. If you’ve always felt that somehow neither gender binary describes you, but lacked the words to explain it, you can use the internet to find people who have those words.

You can join them in community and find the strength and courage to come out.

Of course, this also applies to people who’ve always secretly dreamed of marching through the streets holding a torch and shouting “Jews will not replace us.”

People-finding is also important for “ideological entrepreneurs” — people hoping to spread ideas, for good or ill. An important kind of ideological entrepreneur is the con-artist — a fraudster on the grift.

Covid fraudsters have found it easy to locate marks, thanks to the combination of a large number of people who’ve been traumatized by official corruption and collusion (for example, the opioid epidemic) and the people-finding character of the internet.

The most successful covid disinformation is orchestrated by convicted fraudsters with histories of conning people for money — like Joseph Mercola, a Florida osteopath the New York Times called “The Most Influential Spreader of Coronavirus Misinformation.”

https://www.nytimes.com/2021/07/24/technology/joseph-mercola-coronavirus-misinformation-online.html

In 2017, the FTC made Mercola pay $3m to settle claims related to his fraudulent tanning bed business. Now he’s got a vast online following whom he warns that vaccines will “alter your genetic coding.” He advises people to buy his vitamins instead.

Writing for The Atlantic, Brooke Harrington frames the bizarre about-faces from covid disinformation pushers who now espouse vaccination in the context of the sociology of con-artists.

https://www.theatlantic.com/ideas/archive/2021/08/vaccine-refusers-dont-want-blue-americas-respect/619627/

Sociologist Erving Goffman’s classic 1953 essay “On Cooling the Mark Out” describes his studies of the victims of con artists, and the way that their shame at being taken let the fraudsters revictimize them.

https://infofranpro.wdfiles.com/local--files/19520101-on-cooling/19520101%20On%20cooling.pdf

Victims were so embarrassed at being marks — at being convinced of “highly dubious claims — and blocking out all information to the contrary” — that they’ll do anything to recover their self-image as discerning, smart people.

That desperation opens the mark up to being “cooled” by a confederate of the con-artist — a member in good standing of the mark’s “reference group” (the network of people we all rely on) — to ensure the mark blames themselves, not the con artist.

The cooler helps marks rebuild their lives and social standing, and also re-frame the story of the scam so that nothing bad really happened.

This, Harrington says, is the right way to understand the wave of far-right pundits and grifters who now say vaccines are safe and needful, after a year and a half of social and economic profiteering through disinformation.

When Ron DeSantis says “the unvaccinated folks that are letting us down,” he’s shifting the blame from his cohort of cynical disinfo peddlers to other marks, and opening space for a mark to go and get vaccinated at last.

This cool-off lets the con artists skip away without consequence and can lead to more vaccinations — but for so long as your reference group continues to believe in the con, it’s a tough sell.

That’s why Missouri’s Ozarks Healthcare has created a private entrance where people in disguise can come and get a quiet vaccination — they don’t want their friends and family, the people they depend on, to turn on them.

But Harrington is optimistic: “The conservative coolers are finally on the case, and only they have a chance of transforming partisan vaccine refusers into vaccine adopters.”

Beyond that, Harrington urges us to adopt a sociological framework for understanding what’s going on with vaccine refusal — not a matter of individuals making bad choices, but as a community-level phenomenon.

[renegadewangs]

Van Zieks - the Examination, part 6

Warnings: SPOILERS for The Great Ace Attorney: Chronicles. Additional warning for racist sentiments uttered by fictional characters (and screencaps to show these sentiments).

Disclaimer: (see Part 1 for the more detailed disclaimer.) - These posts are not meant to be taken as fact. Everything I’m outlining stems from my own views and experiences. If you believe that I’ve missed or misinterpreted something, please let me know so I can edit the post accordingly. -The purpose of these posts is an analysis, nothing more. Please do not come into these posts expecting me to either defend Barok van Zieks from haters, nor expecting me to encourage the hatred. - I’m using the Western release of The Great Ace Attorney Chronicles for these posts, but may refer to the original Japanese dialogue of Dai Gyakuten Saiban if needed to compare what’s said. This also means I’m using the localized names and localized romanization of the names to stay consistent. -It doesn’t matter one bit to me whether you like Barok van Zieks or dislike him. However, I will ask that everyone who comments refrains from attacking real, actual people.

Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5

And here we have the second half of The Unspeakable Story, because the case was so long I had to split it into two.

Episode 5: The Unspeakable Story – Part 2

When we last left off, Gina was allowed to testify about the omnibus murder two months ago. Sure enough, she talks about what really happened and how she was threatened into lying in court of law. The judge realizes that he made a grave error in letting McGilded walk. Again, I'm not sure why he's only realizing this now when that trial ended in disarray, with the entire gallery shouting about whether it was or wasn't a gross miscarriage of justice.

I'm giving Van Zieks an additional scumbag point for this remark, since Ryu had already admitted to his wrongdoing and, despite Van Zieks's repeated warnings of 'are you sure about this', brought the details of the falsified testimony up himself. Don't pretend to be understanding about the position this puts Ryu in if you're going to be a jerk about it afterwards, Van Zieks.

Some shenanigans and Gregson whispering to Graydon later, Scotland Yard returns with the small box! Turns out it's a music box! When suggested that the court should listen to the music on the disc, Gregson interjects and unconvincingly claims the music box and disc are unrelated to the case. Ryu objects to say that the disc is fundamentally important for understanding the motives of the crime and Van Zieks, on his own accord, chimes in that the prosecution has no objections. When Gregson continues to stammer that the disc is police property, Van Zieks says:

“But it is policy of this prosecutor to leave no avenues unexplored. And you, Inspector, have no jurisdiction here to prevent that from happening.”

So Gregson and Van Zieks are definitely not buddies. Since Gregson is a key player in this case (and I mean that in a negative way, since Gregson is actively hiding important knowledge from the court), the fact that Van Zieks is turning a deaf ear to his pleas does in fact make Van Zieks an accomplice of ours in a roundabout way. Only for this particular context, though. The point is, so long as the prosecution continues to agree with the defense about unveiling key pieces of evidence, Van Zieks is helping Ryu achieve his ultimate goal. Also it's just plain fun to watch Gregson panic. We're having a jolly old time in this courtroom!

Unfortunately, when the box is played, there's no music. It's just weird tones. So Ryu is confronted with the question of whether the music box's sounds are relevant to the case or not. Naturally, I chose that they aren't relevant to see what would happen. I don't know why I expected any different than this:

“When you speak, you must mean what you say. ...Or be prepared to suffer the consequences.”

Penalty from Van Zieks! He's right though, I never learn. Okay, so let's say the tones are relevant. Van Zieks jumps onto that like a cat pouncing on a mouse toy, of course. He wants to know just what that relevance is. Ryu says that the chimes aren't necessarily music, and Van Zieks pursues relentlessly. “Well, now that you've told us what they are not, I'm sure the court would like to hear what they are. Do enlighten us, my Nipponese friend.” This is all very standard fare, of course. In any Ace Attorney game, the player has to outline their reasoning in steps, which means the prosecution and/or the judge will continue to ask for elaboration until all the details are out in the open. Of course, Van Zieks has to be a jerk about it as he follows it up with the words “Surely you have an idea in mind? Because if not... It will be the death of your ill-formed argument!” Eesh. Harsh wording for such a simple concept of 'your argument is void if you don't tell us exactly what you mean'. What's bothersome about these moments is that often, the player already has an exact idea in mind, but the game's dialogue will beat around the bush a bit more and really rub it in. (example: Iris telling Ryu at this very moment that the music box isn't broken at all and it's meant to play these particular chimes.) But because the player isn't given the option to just figure this out for themselves and then gets scolded by the prosecution for 'taking too long', naturally the player may get frustrated.

I'm getting there! SHEESH! It's not my fault Iris is distracting me! I had the evidence ready to present like two minutes ago!

Anyway, Ryu finally links the chimes to government messages being intercepted and leaked to other countries. These messages are usually telegraphed in morse code, so it should be obvious where Ryu's going with this. Van Zieks looks horrified at the notion of the disc containing secrets in morse code. Still, alongside Ryu he works through the logic of what happened and how McGilded would've been involved in this. Graydon, who works at a telegraph office, is of course the prime suspect for intercepting those secrets and that's the reason why he broke into the pawn shop to recover the disc. Graydon is outraged by the accusation, saying “I've had to stand here in silence while that pretentious foreign lawyer has been prattling away!”, but Van Zieks cuts him off with an objection.

“The prosecution demands the witness testifies... in response to the accusations brought by the defense!”

It's Mrs. Garrideb all over again! Yes! So just to reiterate, the prosecution has nothing to gain by doing this, the way I see it. Ryu can't actively prove any of his theories, he's got no hard evidence. The only thing Ryu can do at this point is have Graydon testify and hope that he'll slip up; and Van Zieks is supporting this notion instead of demanding to see this currently non-existent evidence. So Graydon testifies, the topic of morse code comes up again, and we get a lesson in the basics of how it works with the dots and the dashes.

Surely it can't be that a prosecutor in an Ace Attorney game is being passive aggressive again? Anyway, turns out the music box doesn't play morse code at all because instead of dots and dashes, there's only one of the two. The testimony continues on to address that Graydon's last name used to be Milverton, a fact which causes Graydon to react very heavily and attempt to deny it. Van Zieks subtly reminds him that this effort is futile, since Graydon is a communications officer attached to civil service. His personal details would've been thoroughly checked when he was appointed to his position.

I enjoy it when Van Zieks finally gets turned around to point his sharp finger and sharp words towards people who actually deserve it. Yes, he's ferocious and a somewhat horrible person, but Graydon had this coming for being, y'know, a literal murderer who tried to frame a teenage girl. Van Zieks even reminds Graydon of the same sentiment (“it would really take no time at all for the court to subpoena those records”) later when Graydon continues to deny that Mason Milverton was his father. Good boy, Van Zieks. You're learning that not all British citizens are upstanding and it's okay to accuse some of them of wrongdoing. Because remember, in earlier trials when Ryu would indirectly accuse witnesses (or juror no 4) of lying or criminal activity, Van Zieks would overreact with an “HOW DARE YOU, SIR” of sorts. But not this time, oh no. How dared Graydon?

So with the relation between Graydon and the victim of the omnibus murder proven, we've made headway, but still not enough. So long as the music box chimes seem irrelevant, we don't have the full story to pin Graydon down for anything. For this reason, Ryu gets back on that topic and insists it's very much possible for the disc to contain secret messages. Van Zieks is still not quite convinced.

Covering his insecurities with fancy speech, I see. Van Zieks can act as smart as he wants, but the brutal truth of the matter will always be that he's not smart enough to take evidence in his own two hands and flip it over or open it up. Ryu's the only one who takes the practical approach, opens the bottom and finds out that the music box can actually play two discs at the same time. One for dots and one for dashes, which means there's a second disc out there. So with this out in the open, it's time for everyone's favorite type of Ace Attorney tennis: The back and forth truth reveal! Ryu and Van Zieks take turns in detailing the chronology of Graydon's illegal dealings with McGilded, with negotiations apparently turning sour in the omnibus two months ago, and thus the brickmaker met his end. McGilded attempted to hide the stolen disc by sticking it in his coat and pawning it at the pawnshop, but Graydon found out about this, etc. We've all played the case, we all know the story.

Graydon ultimately admits to having been at the crime scene that night, but still refuses to admit he worked with McGilded or stole government secrets. (Okay okay, ALBA, your denial is too powerful to let this game end, have it your way.) Ryu surmises that only Graydon could have shot Windibank, as he would've been the third intruder holding a third gun. Graydon flips this logic around; now that he's admitted he was at the crime scene that night, he can also admit to 'what he saw' as a 'key witness'. He claims that he saw the moment Windibank was shot by the pickpocket and he took the third gun afterwards, and he's ready to testify about it. Van Zieks, who should technically be jumping at the opportunity to hear decisive testimony for his precious guilty verdict, is instead not amused at all.

“If it is shown that your claim is false, you will have incriminated yourself as the killer.”

And these are some very telling lines once again. Why would he warn Graydon about this if he didn't have reason to believe those claims would be proven false? Why would he think Graydon could incriminate himself as the killer if he were 100% convinced that Gina is the culprit? He must know by now there's a strong chance that Gina is innocent and Graydon is the real killer. But sure enough, Graydon testifies about watching through a peephole and seeing blood spatter over the coat. Blood which he couldn't know is there unless he saw the murder happen. So the judge wonders whether the coat can be tested for blood and indeed, Van Zieks confirms that it can. A German scientist discovered that test 'very recently' and it's already being used in several courts around the globe because this test was actually, y'know, verified in the field of science.

“Ideas are no use to us here. In science, as in law, theories must be proven before they stand.” “We could shatter all vestiges of doubt within minutes!”

rip. To be clear, it doesn't seem as if Van Zieks actually knows for certain there's blood on the coat, because how could he? His insistence on the blood test doesn't seem to be motivated by hope of 'cornering Gina because the blood will definitely be there'. Rather, I think he just wants to either prove or disprove Graydon's testimony so we can all get on with our lives. Plus, I think he may want to flaunt these 'official methods' just to diss (S)Holmes's methods some more. While waiting for the results, Ryu is allowed to cross-examine the very suspicious peephole testimony. Despite Ryu being the one to press Graydon at every statement, Van Zieks will occasionally chime in with questions of his own to get some clarification. Which is funny, because the prosecution isn't the one who has to cross-examine witnesses. Van Zieks should technically be staying out of it. The fact that he's butting in to needle Graydon some more is just... I don't know, it's another one of those very telling moments, I suppose. Again, he probably already suspects that Graydon is the real killer.

The cross-examination is put on hold when the test results finally come back, confirming the blood on Gina's coat. Ryu still tries to save his case by saying the blood actually belonged to Mason Milverton, but that's obviously a very dangerous route to take.

“Did you not argue fervently for McGilded's innocence? And yet now that the man is dead... You brand him as a murderer? Your conduct shatters any shred of respect you may have earnt for yourself in this country!”

We all know he was a murderer for real. Van Zieks knows this more than anyone in the courtroom (well, except maybe Graydon). Besides, Gina testified about this like fifteen minutes earlier. To be frank, the fact that Ryu is admitting to this openly should actually warrant more respect as opposed to breaking it down. Because, remember, Van Zieks gave Ryu several options two months ago to blindly defend McGilded and instead of taking those opportunities, Ryu instead admitted he couldn't say for certain whether there was foul play happening. I think what's going on here may be that Van Zieks is emotionally conflicted. He was already buying into the theory that Gina is innocent and Graydon is the real killer, but the blood on the coat threw a wrench into it all. Graydon hypothetically could only have the coat knowledge if he'd seen it happen, which makes Gina the real killer after all. With something so conclusive, any belief he might've invested into Ryu's integrity has just been 'betrayed' and indeed, if Ryu's integrity is in doubt, anything else to come from him will also be relentlessly drawn into question. That doesn't just apply to Van Zieks; all the jury members who were on Ryu's side before immediately, unanimously vote guilty. Van Zieks assumes that there will be another Summation Examination, as has become the norm.

Ryu grows desperate, because changing the jury's minds is going to be exceptionally difficult now. Thankfully, our hero (S)Holmes appears! That mischievous scamp!

“Detective (derogatory)”. I think it would've been an interesting plotline if (S)Holmes actively investigated the Professor case back then, perhaps even at Van Zieks's request, and failed to find the killer in time to prevent Klint's death. That would explain why Barok now thinks so badly of (S)Holmes and the amazing detective he's described as in the novels. Unfortunately, the second game never really addresses whether (S)Holmes played a part in the Professor investigation and if so, why it ultimately came down Genshin's duel and Gregson forging evidence to 'close the case'. You'd think that if (S)Holmes investigated the deaths, he and his partner would've tracked down the real killer long before things could escalate that badly.

Anyway, (S)Holmes asks for five minutes of the court's time to pass some evidence on to the defense. Van Zieks begins by saying that the trial has already taken up many hours of the court's time. So 'having spent that long already...' Gregson cuts him off to agree, saying that since they've spent so long already, they don't want to waste even more time. Unfortunately for him, that's not what Van Zieks was about to say at all.

So he's fully on our side again! Hurray! All well and good, but he does still fling one of his chalices later to signify the five minutes are up. (S)Holmes thanks Van Zieks for allowing the brief recess, the reply being that he needs no thanks, since “the die is cast”. In other words, they've already reached a point of no return here. At first this seems like a very cryptic dismissal of gratitude, but what Van Zieks is actually saying is that the jurors have already made up their minds and settled on guilty. “Any attempt to alter the verdict now would be utterly futile.” Which still doesn't say much about whether Van Zieks believes they're headed in the right direction, it only says that he doesn't believe Ryu can convince them to change their minds this time.

Surprise! Ryu doesn't have to! When (S)Holmes came into the room in disguise to deliver the lab results of the coat, the cross-examination of Graydon was actually suspended. This means that, by law, Ryu has the right to continue that cross-examination instead of turning to the jurors for the Summation Examination. Van Zieks suffers through his damage animation (which has been rarely seen by this point in the game and honestly, it's a delight to watch), calling the whole matter absurd. This is the law, Ziekie boy! Deal with it! So with this final chance granted, Ryu presents the catflap device to debunk Graydon's testimony about the peephole. Susato tampered with the crime scene and made that cat flap mere minutes after Windibank was shot. So if the cat flap wasn't there before, how could Graydon possibly have witnesses what he claims to have witnessed?

Oh, he's thrown off now. He's got no idea what to believe anymore. I can't blame him; who would expect a trial to take a turn like this? We're getting close, but Van Zieks has one more obstacle to throw our way, as all prosecutors do. How can we prove that the peephole flap was made after the crime as opposed to before it? “When was the peephole cut? The prosecution demands proof of your answer!” Again, this is par for the course. This is what any prosecutor would demand. Evidence is law in Ace Attorney world and Van Zieks needs tangible proof that Ryu isn't just a 'lying traitor' like Genshin was. Naturally, we have proof and Van Zieks is the one we have to thank for that.

Considering Van Zieks is the one who showed up to court that day with a big stack of photographs from that very same 'infernal camera', this line will never stop cracking me up.  So now we know for sure the peephole was made after Windibank was shot! Unfortunately, in submitting evidence we now also know one other thing.

To be fair, Susato didn't know it was a legit murder scene until the cat flap was created and they could see the body. Up until that point, it was just a scene for breaking-and-entering, along with (S)Holmes shooting. I'm sure that was taken into account when discussing the punishment later on, though. Anyway, we've proven Graydon's perjury, but Van Zieks insists we still haven't quite proven that he's a killer. Luckily, Ryu's already two steps ahead of Van Zieks here. Since we've proven that Graydon was lying about what he saw, the question is now how he knows about these things to begin with. He couldn't possibly have seen the peephole with his own eyes, so how did he know it was there? And how did he know about the blood on the coat? Gregson once again decides to interject, asking Van Zieks for 'a word, please'. He wants to leave the courtroom and return to the station to put in his report.

“You will remain exactly where you are until this trial concludes.”

Heeheeh. Brutal. So with Gregson forced to stay, Ryu is free to insinuate that information about the crime scene must've been leaked to Graydon. And since Graydon had no idea he'd be summoned to court to testify on the murder, he could only have received the information after arriving at the Old Bailey. The only person with the opportunity to pass that information to him (in the middle of a trial, I might add) was Gregson. Gregson immediately barks that he had no reason to leak information about the investigation to someone like Graydon, but we know that's not true. Ryu suggests there was a deal.

I really enjoy this particular expression on Van Zieks, and it fits especially well in this context. While he usually looks very calm and cold on the surface, he now looks outwardly ferocious, slightly unhinged. Perhaps even in pain. This is the face of betrayal and humiliation. We learn in the second game that Van Zieks had already suspected Gregson of having dirty hands when it comes to the Reaper, so I expect this insinuation hits extra hard now. It's confirming to Van Zieks that Gregson is indeed not above dirty tactics. He doesn't take it lightly, of course. “With the stakes so high, the prosecution is not prepared to listen to baseless charges. It is incumbent on the defense now to present evidence in support of this diabolical claim.”

So let's do it. It all comes down to the music box disc and the stolen government secrets, of course. Gregson admits that he was ordered to retrieve the stolen information and do it “on the q.t.” Top secret mission, this one, though earlier on it was implied to have been ordered by Stronghart. Van Zieks concludes that Gregson objected so heavily to the disc being used as evidence because he knew of the information on it. Gregson replies that he realized there was a possibility of it. Since we know the music box plays two discs, the deal must've involved this second disc. Van Zieks is now thinking ahead very quickly, here. He asserts that since Gregson is a Scotland Yard detective, he would've approached this deal with extreme caution and not simply taken Graydon's word for it. He would have asked for the article in question to be handed to him immediately and so, it stands to reason the second disc is in the courtroom at that very moment. Gregson doesn't take lightly to the accusations and when Ryu suggests a cavity- sorry, I mean body search, Gregson agrees to it without so much as a flinch. Suspicious behavior, to say the least. But this means the body search is allowed and everything rests on the outcome.

“If, following the search of the inspector's personal effects, no disk is found... You will be deemed unfit for court service, this trial will end and my country's government will formally demand of yours that you are severely reprimanded.”

But Van Zieks, if Ryu were deemed unfit for court service, who would you face in hectic turnabout trials? He's your one true nemesis now, remember? The judge agrees with Van Zieks's sentiments, but Iris has some very interesting insight: “You're just threatening Runo because you're scared!” Since Iris is one of the most clever characters in the games, we have to examine this statement further. If he's scared, then what's he scared of? My guess would be the firm, undeniable confirmation that Gregson is willing to screw with a fair trial and let a killer walk free. Yes, he was ordered to do this by his superiors (STRONGHART), but it doesn't change that Gregson is throwing an innocent girl under the omnibus to get what he wants. And again, keep this in mind, Van Zieks already held suspicions that Gregson had something to do with the Reaper curse. But they were friends once; Gregson was Klint's friend. There's a difference between suspecting an old buddy of being up to no good and hard evidence that it's true. What adds credence to this being the reason of Van Zieks's fear is one of the game's recurring themes: You mustn't look away from the truth, no matter how blinding it is. No matter how painful, it needs to be acknowledged.

So the game asks whether Ryu still insists on the search, knowing there'll be grave consequences if nothing is found. By this point I was so tired that I didn't choose any of the other options and went straight for the correct answer: Search someone else! Gregson's being so cool about it that we can already surmise he doesn't have the disc on him, but he did have the perfect opportunity to hide it on the taller Skulkin brother earlier in the trial. So Ryu insists on there being a search, and Van Zieks says:

“But your typical Nipponese stubbornness may well land you in hot water this time. Perhaps the lesson will do you some good.”

This sort of implies to me that Van Zieks has also realized the disc isn't on Gregson's person. He's known the guy for a very long time, and so, he'd also know that Gregson is easily flustered with zero poker face skills. There's no way he could look so cool if there was a chance of the disc being found in his pocket. So this is the point where Ryu reveals that he doesn't want the search done on Gregson, which does succeed in ruffling our dear old inspector. Gregson starts accusing Ryu of having lost his mind and the court shouldn't have to put up with this nonsense, with the gallery also erupting into chatter. Iris snaps and tells everyone to be quiet. Ryu's just doing what he was told to do and having the courage of his convictions, so they should all respect that and listen to what he has to say. The judge admits that the court is in awe of the defense's convictions and I could write an entirely different essay here about Ryunosuke's growth throughout the games, but I won't. Point is, the cavity- sorry, I mean body search of Nash Skulkin is allowed. Gregson absolutey has zero poker face without a doubt, as he tries to object to the search in the name of Scotland Yard.

“In this courtroom, only the prosecution and the defence have the authority to object.”

Gregson tries to sputter his way out of this, but Van Zieks says: “I have no idea what forces are in play that might influence your actions, but personally I have no intention of obstructing the course of this trial.” (Gregson literally said that Van Zieks needed “Stronghart's paw print” to get more details on the top-secret investigation into McGilded's shady activities, but sure. No idea what forces are in play. Okay.)

Pin 'im down and use the rubber glove, bailiff! The missing second music box disc is pulled out of Nash's jacket and Ryu explains why he knew it'd be found there.

Uhhhhhhhhhh. I think what Ryu's trying to say is that Gregson would rarely fly into such a rage that he'd assault someone physically, but... This man absolutely loses his composure all the dang time. Just ask the fish n chips he keeps aggressively chomping down or scattering over his shoulder. He doesn't strike me as a composed character at all, so to say he behaved “extremely out of character” is kind of off to me. But whatever, it proved our point so I'll let it slide. When the judge asks why Gregson didn't just submit the second disc as evidence the second he got his hands on it, Van Zieks surmises that if the information on the disc were revealed in court, it'd be problematic. Gregson once again confirms he's working under direct orders from the ministry (STRONGHART) to keep the stolen info on the down low. But now we've got a problem. Neither Graydon nor Gregson will admit that they made a deal for the disc (it just magically appeared in Gregson's possession then, sure) and so long as they don't admit to that deal, we still can't prove Graydon lied about his testimony in regards to Gina being the shooter. The judge is ready to turn the matter over to the jury for their final learnings, and if these people had any common sense they'd all vote not-guilty because Graydon is getting away with his nonsense through a sheer technicality. Even so, Ryu intends to put the squeeze on Gregson by playing the second disc along with the first to determine whether there's truly morse code involved. Either Gregson admits to unlawful dealings with a witness to protect state secrets, or those state secrets get played out loud for everyone to hear. Gregson warns him he'll be making an enemy of the entire British government if he lets those secrets out into the world. Ryu insists he'll stop at nothing to do his job and protect his client, no matter who he makes an enemy out of. Van Zieks pours himself another glass of wine in silence.

Yeah, a real shrewd, calculating man. Uhuh. Again, I want to take a second here to point to the symbiosis we usually have between prosecutor and lead detective. Even in the case of Fulbright and Blackquill, with their unique circumstances, they still worked in tandem. You'd never catch them bickering about whether or not to present a certain piece of evidence. It's fascinating to watch Van Zieks consistently ignore Gregson's pleas. Speaking of which, let's have a leg slam to shut Gregson up.

“I'm a prosecutor. ...I'm no Scotland Yard puppet. In this courtroom, my duty is to the law. So let me propose a toast. To uncovering the truth... by fair means or foul.”

YOOO!!! Get him, Zieks! There's absolutely no denying now that Van Zieks is 100% on Ryu's side. He knows that playing the secret message will cause Gregson to cave and admit to his shady deal. And once we know for certain Graydon's testimony is one huge sham... Well, as Van Zieks already said earlier, Graydon will be incriminated as the real killer.

So the box plays for about ten seconds with actual morse code this time and Gregson cracks like cheap porcelain. When Ryu confronts him with how this dealing would lead to the defendant being wrongfully accused of murder, Gregson just kind of shrugs it off. On its own, you might be thinking Gregson is a scummy asshole for this, but there's some very important factors to keep in mind here from the second game. First of all, very simply, Stronghart ordered Gregson to retrieve the info 'no matter what' and Gregson isn't in any position to refuse at this point. But then there's the Reaper's curse, which is way more important. Even if Gina were found not guilty, she'd still have to die. Not just die; Gregson would have to arrange for her death. I doubt he enjoys being in that position, so it's easier for him to just willfully sabotage the trial and have Gina be executed by the government. Some of the blood would still be on his hands, but at least he wouldn't have had to orchestrate some elaborate death trap himself, leading to all the blood on his hands. (Cool justification, still second-hand murder.)

Uh, wait, this is a Van Zieks essay, not a Gregson essay. So anyway, after Gregson gets choked by Graydon and nobody steps in to help him, we finally get the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. Graydon has a semi tragic backstory and he was the one who cause the omnibus fire.

I guess Graydon wasn't too familiar with the Reaper's curse. Either that, or he didn't believe it was real. So now, to reiterate, we're told several times that anyone prosecuted by Van Zieks is doomed, but only one of the defendants Ryu's had so far has died a tragic death and it wasn't even because of the Reaper's curse. It was because someone else sought revenge, so even if Van Zieks hadn't been the prosecutor, McGilded still would've died. Graydon then goes on to talk about what happened in the pawnbrokery and how he shot Windibank without even thinking about it. Van Zieks has something to say about this.

“A man who used his wealth and influence to distort the facts and escape justice for the crime of murder. What tragic irony... For what you have done... is exactly the same. You've become the very monster you saw, and despised so deeply, in McGilded.”

I feel like this is even more elaborate setup to the fact that Van Zieks's brother, a wealthy and influential man, was actually a mass murderer. For bonus points: 'someone realized the wealthy man was a murderer, knew he wouldn't be confronted with his crimes and therefore took matters into his own hands with vigilante justice'. Does that sound familiar too? Gosh, I love foreshadowing. The judge tells Gregson he'll have to face charges as well, with Van Zieks chiming in that even if it was in the line of duty, Gregson's crime is a serious and inexcusable one. With that, the attention is turned to the defense. The judge says that the morse code thing was an unexpected revelation (and this is said in a complimenting sort of way), with Van Zieks unable to stay silent on this:

“In fact, I think we should applaud my learned friend's courage here today. I propose a toast. To demanding that government secrets be disseminated before the entire courtroom!”

Hee hee... Well, Gregson did warn him beforehand that he'd be making an enemy of the British government if he played those music discs. Ryu becomes very flustered and apologizes, but the telegraph juror interjects here to say that the dots and dashes weren't really morse code. Rather, it was just gibberish to her. So despite Iris looking thoughtful, it seems we didn't spill any beans after all and the matter is dropped. We move on to our verdict, a unanimous not-guilty for Gina Lestrade. Hurray!

Now there's a very clumsy scene transition of Ryu and Van Zieks standing in the abandoned courtroom, facing one another. I suppose Van Zieks made some sort of gesture for Ryu to hang back so they could speak in private? It's odd for them to still be standing behind their respective benches, though. Since court's dismissed, it'd be easy for them to just walk up to one another instead of shouting across an empty room. It may be symbolism that there's still a gaping void between the two of them; the Professor incident. Or maybe I'm giving the game too much credit there and they just couldn't be bothered to animate new backgrounds for this single scene. So here we have a very important conversation. I'll type it out:

“I must say you've surprised me, my Far Eastern friend. Despite being a Nipponese, you saw through the pretence to the malice that festered within that Englishman. And at the same time, you saw through the grime to the surprising heart of your English client. You have a curious talent for judging character, especially considering our very different cultures.”

So here we have a telltale problem with racial prejudice. Van Zieks assumed that because Ryu has a different background, especially culturally, he wouldn't be able to understand or relate to English citizens. We've seen this sentiment before in case 1-4, where Van Zieks is shocked that Ryu would understand the mind of an English policeman. Ryu says that he doesn't think there's anything curious about it at all, because whether people are from Britain or from Japan, they're all human beings. They're not so different on the inside. Ryu is effectively saying that Van Zieks needs to stop categorizing people based on their nationality because that doesn't work. Human beings are human beings; some of them are good and some of them are bad. Van Zieks doesn't directly reply to this, instead confirming what we already suspected.

“You know, I took this case for one very simple reason. To lock swords with you once again here in the courtroom. When I encountered you for the first time two months ago, it reminded me... of toasting friendship and trust with another Nipponese... only to find my trust betrayed. Through you, I hoped to look into the eyes of the man I once knew... and try to understand.”

So remember in the previous essay when I surmised that the torrid look of hatred in Van Zieks's eyes was directed at someone who died ten years ago? Well, it's confirmed here. Van Zieks didn't see a fresh newbie whenever he looked at Ryu; he saw Genshin Asogi. The betrayal which took place ten years ago was never given closure. Sure, Van Zieks managed to send Asogi to the gallows to exact 'justice' and get some form of payback, but he was never given Asogi's motives. He never got to confront this man with the emotional turmoil or the hurt, because he wouldn't have been given the opportunity to do so and even if he'd tried, he wouldn't have gotten satisfactory responses. Asogi was abruptly executed and Van Zieks never learned just what possessed a dear friend to murder his brother. He was left with boiling hatred, grief and a whole lot of questions. So indeed, now he hoped to 'understand' Asogi through Ryu, but that was never an option to begin with. Ryu has no relation to that man, so Van Zieks might as well have tried to grasp that understanding by 'locking swords' with Beppo. It's about the same level of futility. Van Zieks's misguided attacks appear to be born from the assumption that it must've been a cultural thing; that perhaps betrayal is something which comes naturally to people from Japan. It's an incredibly stupid, naive way of thinking, because by simplifying Genshin's motives down to his race and cultural upbringing, it takes away the option that there's a far darker truth to be found. Quite frankly, I think Van Zieks is afraid of that truth, just as he was afraid of confirmation that Gregson's not above dirtying his hands. To affirm that Genshin Asogi's friendship was genuine and he truly was an honorable man would imply that he'd had a reason to take Klint's life. I'm not saying it was a good reason! I'm just saying... a reason. When Ryu asks for more details on what happened back then, Van Zieks won't reply.

“Coming to be known as the Reaper of the Bailey, and my retirement from service five years ago... It gives me cause to wonder if our meeting has some deeper purpose. So... Farewell, my learned Nipponese fellow. Until we meet again.”

(He crushes another chalice in the process of saying this, because of course.) The deeper purpose alluded to here, along with the earlier line that Ryu may one day learn the answer, can only mean that Van Zieks foresees something of a journey here. A path to walk down together with Ryu in which, eventually, the Professor case will once again surface. Whether that's a good thing or a bad thing for Van Zieks, we don't know. I'm not sure he knows. But he did admit to having been pleasantly surprised by Ryu and he had a civil conversation with him just now, so the sentiment here is that Van Zieks is slowly letting go of some of his earlier grudges. He doesn't outright admit that he was wrong to be a scumbag to Ryu, nor does he apologize, but by admitting he was only attacking Ryu to make sense of something that happened in his past, he's basically admitting to his behavior being irrational. He's softened up a little, and with a second game on the way, it means at the very least the option of further character development is there.

The conversation ends and in the defendant lobby, Gina is reminded she's not in the clear yet. There's the curse, after all. Gina's not afraid, because he say she sees it, “the Reaper is a bit like Him upstairs.” Sort of funny to equate the Reaper to God, but what she's basically talking about is karmic retribution. Rotten coves like McGilded get what's coming to them, but she knows she's a good person deep down and so, she thinks she'll escape the curse just fine. Which doesn't say much about all those other victims who came before McGilded, mind. We can't say for certain they were all rotten too. Well, the second game will tell us whether she escapes with her life or not. And normally I would also take a look at the little 'bit' that characters have in the end credits, but Van Zieks didn't get his own bit for whatever reason. He's only briefly mentioned by Pat and Roly Beate, so that's it when it comes to his character in the first game.

Next up, we're moving on to case three of the second game, taking place six months after The Unspeakable Story!

[unproduciblesmackdown]

entirely relevant addendum in that winston shows more self control / restraint than most other characters, really, sure it's part of his personality that he's more excitably spontaneous than most others too, and he's sincere, but these are things that could get a positive spin even if people just decided they liked his vibe more. him being established as a character involves his having leverage because taylor needs his talent after all (as, you know, argued in the first place really lol) but he goes for this clearly measured, constructive approach, and while he pushes back a little, he certainly never tries to get back at them for how they treated him, and rather he used that treatment as an opportunity for this more constructive, successful reunion, when taylor can't have even meant it thusly. cue him getting shit from coworkers for all of season four and this never making him more even preemptively hostile to anyone. he gets to be a bit petty in s5 ep one, but that's after axe cap has been harassing taylor & co for however long And they're dragged to this "just talk it out =) both sides" meeting about it And the reason quants are being insulted in the first place is also within the context of this being justification for the way tmc overall has been treated, or at least kind of equivocated like oh well yes the harassment including even now really, but the quants are unfriendly :( and winston is never afterwards seen being actually unfriendly w/team ben regardless lmao

and of course rian being introduced, who would replace him, but who he's already Relating to and wanting to connect with one scene later, taylor's not getting on that for a few more episodes even. and then that despite the rivalry / jealousy extending into another episode for him, he Then, prompted by no apparent effort thusly on rian's end, is determinedly friendly next episode and doesn't waver from this even when she's outright insulting him in the middle of their conversation (in a way that Is unprompted, like, hello i know you're high but so is he, he just answers a question and rian tells him how he's Not Hot like please???) and compliments Her linguistic shit in turn after she's dunked on his, like, The Restraint, the successful commitment to what he's Decided to do here.....and from this episode on he Continues to be determinedly friendly / cooperative / helpful even as she in turn continues to dunk on him on purpose largely every episode, who has the Winner's Restraint out here. it's 5x08 & taylor themself is being Provoked by rian's open irritation with them, and it's rian who Also chooses to bring a more conciliatory approach in the end, and we sure get to see how taylor can respond to [your boss has just placed you in competition with this new hire] lmfaooo like. winston's at least got As much self control as the best of them, but as someone who Has to exercise it more, he sure does, something he and taylor could've always connected over, but here we are

and you know, not irrelevant to mention that i'm sure [winston doesn't just Fire Back the same way when people dole out this impulsive treatment based on their kneejerk response that he's sooo uncool & annoying & Wrong] that it's also thanks to self loathing & how he sometimes just absorbs the Ls handed to him and due to the fact that despite the double standard he's much less aggressive than plenty of people around, and so when they give him shit & yell at him of course he's just stressed out & not about to instead get into a shit giving yelling match with them. but he can have defense mechanisms too, And be impulsively petty too, but he's still got much more of a capacity to successfully choose how he responds to someone / approaches a situation. i.e. prince should be so lucky to have half of what winston has here

[betweengenesisfrogs]

The Triumph of the Marginalia

Marginalia, n.:

1 : notes or embellishments in the margins (as in a book)

2 : nonessential items

-Troll OED

Is it just me, or is Nepeta and Equius’s arc the most slept-upon piece of brilliance in all of Homestuck?

A brilliance, might I add, that culminates in possibly the most triumphant, fulfilling emotional moment in the entire work:

https://www.homestuck.com/story/7928

*stands back and beholds its majesty while from the background comes the sound of James Roach brutally murdering ska*

No, but actually, I mean this 100% unironically, and by the end of this post, I think you’ll agree with me.

By now, I think we all understand the Act 6 double metaphor: the series of temporal loops and universes that Lord English commands is paralleled with, and in fact totally identical to, the narrative of Homestuck. Our characters’ lives exist within this context. They struggle to escape it, and are defined both by it and by the rejection of it.

Enter Nepeta.

The metaphorical meaning of Nepeta in Homestuck is irrelevance, and that’s why she’s the most relevant character in any discussion.

Nepeta was one of the characters killed off during the Murderstuck arc. Hussie argued that she was perfect for this role. In fact, I believe he said something like “Nepeta is sweet, but if you look up the dictionary definition of ‘expendable character,’ you’ll see a picture of Nepeta playing with a ball of yarn and looking very cute.” She’s an endearing combination of shipper girl and apex predator, but not one of your Vriskas or Terezis in being a driver of the plot. Hussie, it seems, created her just to round out the troll cast. He described one of his purposes in Murderstuck as being to axe some of the less necessary trolls to reduce the scope of his character list.

Except that didn’t really happen, did it?

Like a cat with nine lives, Nepeta just keeps coming back.

Equius is another addition to the troll cast who gets pushed away from the main action. He was a character-writing challenge: how do you make someone who’s gross, uncomfortable, and racist kind of likable anyway? I’d argue Hussie succeeded, in large part because of Equius’s relationship with Nepeta. By the time you finish with Hivebent, you’ll probably have a little fondness for their moraillegiance. And if that doesn’t do it, the conversation that serves as their swansong in Equius: Seek the Highblood will tear your heartstrings to shreds.

Because Equius dies, tragically clownmurdered. There was, at the time, some stink over this from Equius fans. Would he have really let himself be killed so easily? Hussie countered: yes, and it was the most in-character thing he could have done. He died doing what he loved: being asphyxiated erotically and horrifically by a superior. Truly, there could be no more fitting end to his character than that.

And yet.

No sooner did Hussie complete his self-appointed story cleanup challenge than he immediately began to undo his own work. It’s almost as if, in declaring his intention to own those who preferred more characters to narrative economy, he immediately had to own himself??

By the time we get even a little way into Act 6, we’re deep in the dreambubble landscape, meeting dead characters left and right. And who should show up there but Equius and Nepeta? Equius attempting to get it on with a bunch of Aradias, who dump him. And Nepeta, living out her romantic dreams as a representative of a timeline where she got together with Karkat. They both appear as symbols of this deadness, this irrelevance. Except that that brings them back into the story, into the spotlight – the opposite of where they’re supposed to be!

Like many bits of commentary, Hussie continues to incorporate the metaphor Nepeta=Irrelevance into Homestuck. Karkat’s remark on their journey that he would love to meet “FIFTY FUCKING NEPETAS” and embark on “NEPETAQUEST” alludes to formspring remarks to the effect that, no, Homestuck was not going to have much time for the minor characters. Except it clearly did.

Why couldn’t the narrative let the meowrails go? Was it that despite the economy of Murderstuck, something was still incomplete? After all, one of Equius’s charms was that he appeared to be growing into a less repressed, kinder person. In Seek the Highblood, we see him letting his guard down enough to roleplay with Nepeta for a change. Their love for each other: wasn’t that ultimately what could redeem Equius in our eyes? So his dying and thus failing to protect her–isn’t that something that should be addressed?

You could imagine many a Nepeta and Equius fan saying this to Hussie back in 2011.

But Hussie was already saying it to himself.

The duo come roaring back into the story in the Trickster mode arc, mid Act 6, thanks to Gamzee’s ridiculous resurrections. True, Nepeta is still reduced as part of Fefeta, the character formed from killed-off girls who never speaks onscreen. But doesn’t using that fact as a running gag kind of draw our attention to it? Doesn’t the fact that Fefeta talks to Roxy constantly offscreen inform us that once we get outside the frame of the narrative, Nepeta has a rich inner life and countless stories to tell?

And it’s here that Equius gets something he never got in his original “arc:” the chance to apologize to Nepeta. You’d be forgiven for missing it since there’s so much else going on at the time, but he does, while fused with AR. Here’s what you’d miss, though: he’s grown as a person in the afterlife. He’s come to regret that moment of weakness, where his fetish kept him from protecting his moirail. Impossible as it seems, he’s continuing his character arc.

The scene ends with Fefeta exploding (she’s also, after all, dealing with Eridan), but it leaves us with a tantalizing question:

Will Nepeta forgive Equius? Is there even a plausible time and space in that story when she could respond to his words?

Do you see what’s happening here? Instead of being erased, Nepeta and Equius are starting to slip the bounds of the story that killed them. They leap in and out of the frame, half-mythical figures. Marginalized, they write their own stories in the margins. They exist in complete defiance of the original logic of Homestuck.

Lord English is an alt-Author figure, a dark, brutal reflection of narrative control and narrative necessity. His world, in which horrible choices are necessary, in which the alpha timeline is a ticking clock leading inexorably to his manifestation, is one that beats down people not deemed important enough by his narrative. Which makes it identical to the one we’re reading. Throw all the unnecessary characters in the trash. Kill them off, if it suits my purposes. The world doesn’t need Nepeta.

Which is precisely why it does. Because isn’t defying Lord English the entire point? Isn’t it what Homestuck reveals as truly heroic?

What might Nepeta be capable of?

Let’s talk about two other victims of English’s forces of marginalization. Davesprite might be the most quintessential example. He teaches us what the alpha timeline is and how it works, by going back to fix a doomed timeline and submitting to being doomed himself. Except he merges with a bird and avoids that fate. Okay, but he clearly gets killed off fighting Jack in Jade: Enter. Except he comes back and hangs out with Jadesprite. Okay, but he dies in the planetsplode in the Retcon. Nope, he comes back from that, too. Huh. He keeps slipping the fate decreed for him by – who else? Lord English.

But it’s a struggle, clearly. He’s caught up in various cycles of guilt and shame. Over being “not the real Dave.” Over his feeling that he has to be a hero in the sense Bro demanded he be. Hussie describes Davesprite as fitting the “way of the unbroken sword:” his experiences have led him to believe in being strong and capable at the expense of all else, in contrast with the other Dave, whose belief in Bros’ toxic ideas is beginning to slip – the “way of the broken sword.” And where did Bro get his toxic ideas from? At least in part, the whispering voice of the soul of Lord English.

Now we turn to Dirk. Like Dave, Dirk has a marginalized, “less important” splinter self but it’s more of a pressing concern. AR shows Dirk’s darker side: exhibiting manipulative tendencies that human Dirk is trying to move away from. He’s also a copy removed from humanity, who feels an understandable amount of disillusionment about being removed from physical existence and his own identity. But as much as Dirk may splinter, like his dumb anime sword, he never breaks. What this means in the symbolic language of Homestuck is that Dirk lives fully, instinctually, in the way of the sword. He believe in a world of hard choices, masculine heroism, and necessity. Ultimately, this, too, is part of what makes Bro so harmful to Dave. In AR and Davesprite, we have a strange parallel: two splinter selves, both of whom are enmeshed in the logic of LE.

Except AR, unlike Davesprite…kind of is LE.

What is Lord English composed of? Well, there’s Caliborn, the most unrepentant shithead of all time. There’s Gamzee, embodiment of horrifying clownery. And then there’s AR, a version of Dirk even more removed from the person he wants to be.

And…Equius?

Allow me a moment to get really indulgent and take a big puff on my Homestuck scholar’s pipe.

The metaphorical meaning of Equius in Homestuck is: sort of growing out of being a creepy racist.

Or maybe let’s say: the opportunity to do that. We said that Equius was on the verge of being redeemed (even had been, in the eyes of many readers). What does it mean to stick him in with Lord English’s souls? It means two things:

1) Equius is a product of his society, which was shaped by Doc Scratch, aka by Lord English, both of whom are kind of him, but Scratch picks up on his traits especially. This is a recognition of that fact: the part of him that sucks is, itself, Lord English in a dizzying loop.

2) Equius’s story is a tragedy. It is the story of a kid who started to escape his society’s tendencies, but was sucked back in by the evil force behind them.

Although…maybe that’s not the whole story.

Because both Equius and AR aren’t really that bad. AR’s pretty understandable, and by no means beyond the possibility of goodness. And the combination of the two? Honestly, pretty harmless. They counter each other’s worst tendencies by devolving into a weird goofball. In fact, AR even says he wants to do something heroic: to sacrifice himself for something really important. He does, kind of, mustering a last-ditch robohorse assault on Caliborn. But at the same time, this is the substance of his tragedy. A hero whose defeat of a great evil forces him to become the substance of that evil. Which could not be a more fitting summary of how these characters function in their story.

But maybe that’s still not the whole story.

Enter Davepeta.

At first glance, the creation of Davepeta seems like Hussie’s most batshit troll move yet. I feel pretty confident in saying that even those who predicted either of these characters returning didn’t see that one coming. However, a few pages of Davepeta’s presence reveals a fundamental truth:

Davepeta is fucking amazing.

In them, Davesprite’s depressive moods are buoyed up by Nepeta’s upbeat optimism. Nepeta’s reclusive shyness is balanced by Dave’s tendency toward brash banter. Both of them gain confidence from being the new person they are. They quickly let go of ideas inherited from the world that kept them from self-knowledge and happiness. Dave, his toxic masculinity; Nepeta, her fear.

A great point I’ve seen made is how much Jasprose and Davepeta resemble fantasy selves for Rose and Dave: indulgent, technicolor manifestations of people they could be if they let go of inhibitions and limitations. But I think Davepeta is the most unambiguously positive of the two.

The metaphorical meaning of Davepeta in Homestuck?

Growth.

Not giving a fuck about what the world thinks. The world, aka Lord English. Because Lord English could never have predicted that his machinations would also spawn a confident, powerful fusion of two beings he had discarded as totally irrelevant.

They’re also a multicolored non-binary furry, so that’s even more points in the pissing off shitheads column.

They are someone Lord English never conceived of, never could have conceived of, but which lay as potential within his domain all along.

And if Lord English is a reflection of the author, of what Hussie feels one has to destroy or sacrifice, than Davepeta is an indulgence existing in defiance of all that.

And this makes Davepeta the most powerful person of all.

They are the light at the end of the tunnel. They are the person you could be, if you could get past your mental shackles and just grow. It may not be possible to ever get there as a mortal human, may only be for a godlike sprite, but striving to be like them matters, is purpose and fulfilment enough.

And they love ARquius.

Nepeta believed in Equius, believed he could grow, and was growing. So as much as ARquius traps himself in a Lord English loop of his own making – grown, perhaps, out of Dirk’s belief that there should be a loop, that importance is admirable—Davepeta pulls from him, in his last scene, his finest qualities. His love.

Equius asks forgiveness again, and this time, Nepeta’s able to give it. Davepeta easily accepts ARquius’s apology, an apology which never could have existed within the confines of a normal narrative. A reconciliation that both of them fought for by defying their narrative, by existing outside it. By being not the trolls who lived and died, but their broader, conceptual selves, who exist beyond lifetimes. Beyond the comic page. And they consummate that reconciliation with that most cherished and loving of gestures:

A hug.

And even as this is Equius and Nepeta’s reconciliation, it’s also Dirk and Dave’s. Which, I should mention, is also taking place, simultaneously and circumstantially simultaneously, just below. It’s a more difficult one, certainly, especially as filtered through the splinters of Davesprite and AR. Here forgiveness is not quite the right word. But – knowledge, and recognition, and a kind of peace. It’s Davesprite’s chance to reunite with the part of his brother he loved, while also being a person who’s grown beyond him. And it’s AR’s chance to be loved.

Oh, sure, the art is ridiculous, the pose absurd. But that’s what makes it sublime.

I mean, what did you think that Sbahj comic was really about?

A boy distancing himself from his feelings through irony, never acknowledging that the story he’s telling is about two bros who desperately want to hug each other, but don’t know how.

Here’s the hug.

I want to dip into Epilogues territory for a moment, but it’s territory which is fairly well implied by Davepeta’s statements and role in Collide. The Meat Epilogue, I think, only illuminates what was already there.

Lord English is uniquely vulnerable to Davepeta.

And why shouldn’t he be? They, like so much else in Homestuck, are a consequence of his actions spiraling far beyond his control. But it’s more than that. Davepeta is finally able to lay the unbroken sword to rest by following the “prophecy” about Dave defeating Lord English. On the one hand, that’s kind of what happened. But it’s also completely different from what English intended, antithetical to his desires and goals. Which makes the victory all the sweeter. But at the end of the day, Davepeta doesn’t fight for the reasons Davesprite did. They’re free of that, now. Instead, they fight from a place of genuine compassion. Because Davesprite, like Dave, knows the true meaning of being a hero: caring about one’s friends.

But the most important thing about Davepeta is that they know Lord English, on a level that perhaps neither he nor they recognize. Both AR and Equius are in there, and both are capable of redemption. It’s only Gamzee and Caliborn who are truly beyond it.

How does Davepeta defeat Lord English?

With a hug.

They wrap their claws around him, and carry him into the sun like a piece of garbage. It’s an aggressive hold, but it’s also effectively an embrace.

And I have to wonder: in those final moments, did they sense a connection there? Did Equius and Dirk stir somewhere within Lord English? Did they give him a moment’s pause? Resist him? Make it just the tiniest bit easier for Davepeta to do their work?

If so, then that, too, is heroism.

At the very least, it’s circumstantially simultaneous with the hug we see in Act 6, and so it carries the same message:

Redemption.

Not for the shitheads, but for those who wanted to be better.

And if this isn’t enough, there’s a third reconciliation here, too: between author and reader, or to put it in other terms, author and character.

If Lord English is a shadow of the author, what part of the author can be redeemed? Maybe not the destructive, antagonistic urges. But the part that plans and designs and philosophizes as Dirk does. That part of Hussie wanted Davepeta to be there, to strike that final blow, and made it happen.

Because, when you get right down to it, as much as Hussie pretends to be antagonistic toward his readers and the characters they enjoy, it’s the fans, the shippers, the furries, those whose hearts go out to a cute, shy cat girl that he most celebrates.

Hussie fucking loves Nepeta.

Nepeta and Equius are, sneakily, the best characters in Homestuck, because they understand its fundamental message: that to succeed in Homestuck is to defy Homestuck. They defy everything it throws at them, and somehow, improbably, come out on top.

All of this is there on that page, a whole edifice of storytelling culminating in that singular, grand, supremely indulgent expression, a feast of looping leitmotif and color and imagery and meme and sound. It’s all there, if you know where to look.

Nepeta and Equius love each other, and that’s pretty fucking great.

See? I told you.

<> Ari