#Donnie trying desperately to hide his emotions while also refusing to put Raph down

[missbeautyandherbeast]

It’s Nice To Have A Friend

Michelangelo X Reader

Summary: Taking people under your wing was your thing until four mutant brothers took you under theirs. It still didn’t stop you from taking one of them under your wing. Until you screwed that up from miscommunication and some harsh words. Can you fix this? How are you supposed to express emotions when you barely understand the situation? Is it too late to save what you broke? Can you save your friend?

A/N: For the ever-lovely @brightlotusmoon, here’s my drabble into Mikey, making his a round character in my own mind as well as on paper. I hope I did him justice, and you justice. 

Word Count: +3,200

Warnings: Angst, panic attacks, self-loathing, fluff, abuse

Was living underground with four large mutant turtles weird? Sure.

If you wanted to call it that. To me, it was a family, as it was to them, brothers and a father. They had all welcomed me with curiosity and hesitancy as I showed immunity to mutagen, and retro- mutagen—both of which happened in Donnie’s lab after a mishap and me tripping over my own feet.

It freaked me out, to say the least. Again, the questioned seemed to be: what was wrong with me? Again I felt different, out of place, with no answer as to why. I loathed it.

To Donnie I was something to be studied, he tried to hide it and he did pretty well, but I caught the nuances. I wasn’t opposed to it too much, I wanted answers as well. But I wished that I was a bit more than an experiment.

To Leo, I was someone to protect. Whatever was different—wrong—about me he wanted to be kept safe from Shredder and the Kraang. Which I understood, but I also refused to fight, or even learn how. I could defend myself, but I refused to go on the offense, or hurt anyone, even if it was someone trying to hurt me. I knew this frustrated him, but he respected my choice of pacifism.

Raphael and I fought. A lot. Not physically, but verbally. He reminded me too much of my abusive older brother that I had finally gotten away from by moving to New York, and there was something about him that sparked anger in me. I found the confidence to snap back at him when he made offhand rude comments, to anyone. Most of the time Leo stepped in and reprimanded Raph before things could get too far. If the red brute didn’t back down, Splinter intervened.

Then there was Mikey. He was the only one who didn’t treat me differently because of who, what I was. Instead, we played Mario Kart until I got good enough to beat him, sometimes. I showed him my comic books and TV shows, and I watched him fall in love with them as I was. We spent nights reading fan theories, working on cosplay, and jamming to Taylor Swift.

It’s nice to have a friend. 

.................................

And Mikey was the one I stood up for the most against Raph. As soon as I started to notice that Mikey was his favorite target, I got a bit more observant. Signs that I knew, because I had the same reactions around my own brother.

“You actually like that stuff? You’re so weird.” Raph muttered as we started to binge Doctor Who.

“Says the one who spends every minute of every day looking in a mirror, or working out.” I snapped back.

Raph scoffed and walked off as Mikey was silent beside me, looking down. I leaned against him as the show continued. Slowly he relaxed and we ended up, like always, tangled in blankets, passed out, as the show continued to play.

Raph seemed to back down after a while, now that I was always there to fight back against him. There was a solace around the Lair when the comments ceased to exist. Sometimes they were there, like teasing, or light-hearted jokes, but nothing that cut too deep. I made sure of that.

It was nice to be a friend.

....................................

After a few months, I felt safe enough to go back to my apartment every few nights, just to be in my own space, something that I desperately needed to stay sane. It was comforting, being back in my own small studio apartment on Cornelia. I could do what I wanted when I wanted. Play my own music, eat what and when I wanted to, wear what I wanted. I had no one to impress but me.

Mikey came over the first night that I was back in my apartment. He had a pizza and sodas for the two of us as he stood on my fire escape. I laughed to myself and let him in, going to grab paper towels.

We fell into our normal routine, nested in my bed, watching TV—this time it was season 14 of Supernatural—eating and curled up under blankets. Well, I was under blankets, Mikey radiated heat like a space heater. He finished most of the pizza while I nibbled on my one slice.

When the last episode ended, Mikey was shocked when I jumped up and threw the remote towards the TV. His reflexes were quick enough to snatch it before it did any damage, though he seemed to be in the same agitated state that I was in.

I growled. “They can’t just! It’s not fair! They! And he! And Sammy! And Jack! And UGH!” I paced.

“How is that supposed to be the end of the season!” Mikey exclaimed. “They can’t just do that!” “How is there supped to be only one more season to fix that!” I countered.

We both stared at the TV screen, in tense silence, settling down next to each other again.

“I need something to take my mind off of that,” I muttered, scrolling for another movie.

We ended up re-watching Miraculous Ladybug for like the fifteenth time. We both ended up liking the show, a weird mix of my love for cartoons and his love of anime. Nothing like a boy in a leather catsuit and a girl in polka-dotted spandex fighting an old man who loves butterflies and not his son to comfort the mind.

I rearranged my seventy-five pillows and nestled down next to the warm terrapin, allowing myself to get comfortable. Winter was setting into New York and I was about to really miserable with the oncoming cold weather. It was nice with Mikey though. I could always count on his warmth.

Letting the episodes play through, my eyes eventually became too heavy to reopen. My dreams were light and safe. They always were when I wasn’t sleeping alone. It was nice, for once, not to need melatonin, or not be up until four am, or not need my nightly counting routines to lull me to sleep.

It’s nice to have a friend. 

.................................

Once a week Donnie and I worked on figuring out what was so different about me that I was immune. It was a slow-going process because I got tired or disinterested before we could make it too far, and every brother and Splinter was keen on not pushing me farther than I could manage.

“I’m a freak,” I muttered to Donnie one week, looking down at the floor.

“Take it from a huge talking turtle, you’re not a freak.” Donnie mused, a smile playing at his lips.

“Okay, but mutagen affected you: normal. Retro mutagen affects you: normal. Me, absolutely nothing. I’m a freak.” I laid back on the exam table, closing my eyes.

I heard his gentle laugh. I simply sighed.

“No one wants a freak, Don,” I muttered. “No one is gonna want me. I’ll always be weird.” 

“That’s not true. You’re a wonderful person Y/n, anyone would be lucky to have you.”

“No one wants a freak,” I repeated, sighing. “No one can love a freak,”

He was quiet for a moment as if he were debating the notion.

“Maybe we’re all doomed then.” He decided.

I chuckled and shook my head, sitting up.

“Do you need me for anything else?” I rubbed my face and stretched.

“You should be alright for today, I’ll let you know if I find anything.”

“Thanks, Don.”

I almost ran into Mikey as I left the lab.

“Hey.” My face lit up. “You wanna watch somethin’? There’s a new series that I’ve been meaning to watch, or I could show you Rocky Horror Picture Show, that’s a classic.” I went through my mental checklist of things that I wanted him to watch, trying to settle on the best one.

“No thanks. I gotta patrol. Just came to say bye.” His voice was almost void of emotion. 

“Oh.” My face fell. “Okay, be safe.” I frowned a bit but kept my emotions under wraps.

Watching him leave, I wandered into the main room, trying to solve the look on his face and his tone, feeling like I was missing something.

“That was pretty harsh there Y/n.” Raph leaned against the wall next to the lab.

“What?” I turned my attention to him. “What did I even do? What was all that?” I gestured weakly.

He scoffed and rolled his eyes.

“Mikey heard you.” He made air-quotes: “‘No one can love a freak’? Almost sounded like me.”

“I’m still not getting it?” I stood, anxiety clawing my insides. Had I hurt Mikey somehow?

“The kid is head over heels for you Y/n, and you just told him that you’d never love a freak.” Raph laid it out, his tone was cold and distant.

I froze, panic taking over my entire form. I didn’t think, I just did. I grabbed my jacket and slipped on my shoes. I ignored Raph’s questions, I ignored Donnie’s questions. I couldn’t ignore the hands that held me back though. I thought I heard Donnie explain through a muddled mind.

“I have to make this right,” Tears were slipping down my cheeks. “I didn’t mean that. I didn’t...” I could feel my breath hiking moving towards hyperventilation. “Mikey...” My voice was broken.

I was broken.

I had broken my friend.

My best friend.

Who loved me?

...he loved me back.

The revelation was mind shattering. Both my mind and heart laid shattered, the pieces oozing into the concrete floor, refusing to be put back together.

“I’ll go find him.” Raph decided.

“No!” I shouted. “He’s going to think you’re lying. That you’re dragging him along. I have to go. I have to make this right.” My voice was squeaky and pathetic, but it was the truth.

“She’s right. Go shadow her, but she has to be the one to do it.” Donnie rubbed my shoulders comfortingly as he spoke to Raph.

I stumbled out into the cold night, cursing the frigid air.

“Mikey!” I shouted hopelessly. “Mikey, please I need to talk to you! Please!” The tears that ran down my face threatened to freeze. I wiped them away in an attempt to keep warm.

I walked quickly down the route that I knew Mikey patrolled, keeping my eyes on the rooftops, muttering his name and wiping tears away until I couldn’t anymore.

I crumbled onto a nearby bench and buried my face in my hands, sobbing for my loss, my stupid mistake, for my Mikey.

“Y/n!”

It wasn’t the voice that I wanted, but my head shot up, in panic.

“We gotta go! Now!” Raph was right beside me in a matter of moments, lifting me into his arms and taking off, in a direction that held no meaning to me.

“Raph!” I complained.

“Mikey was caught by the Kraang. Leo’s trying to get in now, but...” He shook his head as he turned another block.

Fear froze my shattered heart. The words didn’t want to process.

“Hey, hey. Hold it together kid, he’s gonna be okay.” Raph soothed, sensing my despair.

“This is my fault.” I sobbed. “I did this.”

“Hey. No. This is not... good lord kid. This wasn’t you. I swear.” Raph’s voice was hard and commanding. It reminded me of Leo.

When he stopped on a random block, in front of a random building, a warehouse, he made the mistake of letting me go.

I hit the ground running into the building, right into the center of a vast floor, filled with Kraang, and... and Mikey. When his eyes flashed to mine I almost collapsed. He wasn’t dead. I could still tell him I was sorry. I could...

“Let him go,” I whispered, taking careful steps forward. “Please.”

There was a commotion behind me, and I didn’t even have to turn back to know that it was the other brothers, coming to our aid. My eyes didn’t leave Mikey’s. There was so much hurt and betrayal in them. And now I knew why.

I jumped when a blur of silver flashed by me and into the droid closest to Mikey, sending sparks flying, and the Kraang bot dropping to the ground.

“Man, these things are always creepy,” Raph muttered.

Then all hell broke loose. Both sides advanced, and I was caught in the crossfire. Something pulled me down to the floor, and I landed hard on my wrist. I watched as Mikey’s eyes widened in horror, his eyes fixed on something behind me.

I turned and saw a gun pointed at my head, one of the Kraang’s high tech ones.

A swipe of a katana and the Kraang was no more. Leo and I locked eyes; fear in mine and determination in his.

“Go! I’ll cover you!” He shouted, stealing a glance in his youngest brother’s direction.

I leaped to my feet and dashed through the carnage to get to my Mikey. I knelt beside him, trying to figure out his bonds, thanking someone that they were only rope.

“Just leave me.” Mikey bit out. It was like a slap to the face. “I’m nothing but I freak to you anyway.”

The depressing words weighed on my soul and my body until I was held in place by the weight of his words. I had to stop my task of untying him to fight the urge to not scream and cry. I rested my forehead on his shoulder, tears making their way down my face.

“I didn’t...” I choked out. “I was talking about me. I’m the freak. I’m unlovable. I’m unwanted.” I sobbed out. “I’m so unlovable.” I shook my head, wrapping my arms around myself, looking him in the eye. “There was never a day that I didn’t love you.”

Recognition crossed his face, as I sat back on my knees, my head bowed and shoulders hunched, as I finally let go of holding my hurt back, sobs shaking my frame softly as they left my lips in unintelligible self-loathing words. My arms desperately tried to hold all of me together, but no matter how tightly I wrapped them around me, I still fell apart.

Until warm familiar arms wrapped around me tightly did I feel whole again. These arms held me together when I couldn’t do it on my own. These arms and these hands picked up the shattered pieces of my heart and took the time to put them back together with care.

“Don’t leave me, please. Please. Please.” I choked out, wrapping my arms around him, my friend, my best friend, my lifeline, my Michelangelo, my Mikey. “I love you, please,”

I could feel his hand stroke my hair gently, as he pulled me into his lap, encasing me with warmth until I wasn’t shaking anymore. I waited and prepared for the worst. He wouldn’t want me. He wouldn’t love me. He couldn’t forgive me for this. I was unforgivable. Unlovable.

I sank into these thoughts until darkness consumed me.

This is what it was like to lose a friend.

..........................................

“Let her mind protect itself. She’ll come around when she can handle it all again.” The voice was muted and muddled, and made little sense.

“It’s been an hour Donnie,” A worried voice, much closer to me, argued back.

I wanted to tell the voice that I was okay. That I was here. He didn’t need to worry. I was fine. Mikey didn’t need to worry.

“Y/n!?” He called, urgent. “Can you hear me? Y/n!?”

“M’fine...” I mumbled, my eyelashes fluttering as I opened my eyes. Intense blue eyes stared back at me; tears mixed in.

“M’fine Mikey.” I curled up further into his arms.

“Don’t let her fall asleep she might have a concussion,” Donnie warned. I wanted to glare at him. I was fine. Peachy.

I still had my friend.

I hoped.

.....................................

I blinked a few times and struggled to sit up. Realizing what I was trying to accomplish, Mikey’s arms supported me, aiding me.

“You okay angelcakes?” His voice was gentle and worried still.

I nodded, ignoring my pounding headache. I looked up at him, afraid. What now? What was he going to say? What was I going to do if he sent me away? If he didn’t love me back?

“Are you really up this time?” He asked, hesitant.

I frowned and blinked a few more times, rubbing my eyes. I noticed that one of my hands was in a brace. I stared at it with curiosity.

“You hurt your wrist. Donnie doesn’t think it’s broken, but he’s not entirely sure.” He was almost sheepish to explain the fact.

I looked up at him, waiting for more. Tensed and prepared for the worst, praying and hoping for the best.

“Did you mean it?” He whispered, cupping my jaw with one of his hands. I leaned into the warmth. “Do you really love me? Freak and all?” His blue eyes were pleading with mine, begging the fact to be true.

“Since the first night that you stayed.” My voice was raspy and broken sounding from dehydration and being rubbed raw from my sobs, but it spoke the truth.

There was a moment of deliberation on his face before he pressed his lips to mine. I wasn’t shocked. I was relieved. I reached up and wrapped my arms around his neck, my fingers twisting into the tails of his bandana. He was gentle while kissing me as if he were afraid to break me, and part of me knew that he could. If he wanted to.

But he didn’t want to. He didn’t want to break me. Or leave me, or yell at me.

He wanted to kiss me and be near me. He wanted to love me. Like I wanted to love him. Freely, openly, courageously.

Pulling away sooner than I wanted, the turtle pressed a soft kiss to my forehead before his blue eyes enraptured mine.

“You’re not unlovable. And you’ve never been unwanted.” He whispered. “I want you. And God, Y/n, I love you.” There was a small smile on his face, my breaking dawn.

“Freak and all?” I murmured. 

“Freak and all.” He chuckled.

It’s nice to have a love. 

.......................................

Curled up on the couch on a late Friday night after Mikey’s patrol, I laid gentle kisses on his neck, half paying attention to the movie on. He smiled down at me and pulled me closer.

“I don’t see why you like these movies.” He scoffed.

“Reminds me of you, us,” I whispered. “He’s so keen on protecting her, he almost loses her. He’s part of another world that she gets thrown into, and walks in it willingly. She’s different though. She’s immune to their powers.” My eyes flickered to the screen. “‘I tell you I can read minds, and you want to know if there’s something wrong with you?’” I quoted.

He chuckled and rolled his eyes.

“You’re such a dork.” He pressed a kiss to my forehead. 

“But I’m yours.” I grinned cheesily up at him.

“And I wouldn’t have it any other way.”

It’s nice to have a friend.

..................................

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