#FANTASTIC year for jade cards... truly...

[cloudsbrainpopped]

so… I have no art for this yet but. CLH. But it’s a Yugi-Oh AU using the world building from GX (as in Duel Academy) but standard game rules (I will not be making everyone a deck. I’d love to be I truly don’t have the time.) This started a joke because I was talking to @c0smic-v0mit earlier and we were talking about Ramon’s limbs and how they come and they go given what he’s wearing. I said shadow realm. I then proceeded to yap at her about GX for about half an hour. Because as it turns out this was more of a concrete thing than I thought.

Rayman, unsurprisingly owns the duel academy itself and it has the same build and hierarchy as the original one (though I’m not sure what I want to name the dorms because I don’t think he’d name them after cards that he, a rival, and just some guy (to him) used in a world saving duel so for the sake of debate I’ll just say Red, Yellow and Blue in terms of the hierarchy. Dolph, Bullfrog, Cody, Jade and Sarah are all students, so are the Niji Six. I have no idea what to do with Alex or Pagan Min so I'm dropping them ty (Idk I don't know enough about how they're originally portrayed to get a good grip and I kind of want to avoid anywhere canon would likely tread with those two. There's a time and a place for that kind of exploration and an AU where some of them aren't adults is not the place.) (By that I mean they're like... 16 to 18. I'm counting Bullfrog in that for two reasons. Using human years for this equation in spite of the fact that he's more akin to an old man when you consider how long Bullfrogs can live irl.) Pey'j is fine, runs the local card shop and pretty much just gets the gossip and does his job (and seeing how we're not working with Eden in this, there are some characters where I am either influenced by their original characterisation or just. their actual personality. Pey'J is one of those cases amen.) Sam and Marcus are both teachers/dorm chaperones and I think I have to elaborate on that quickly. Red is for low end Duelists, Yellow is for the medium, and Blue is for the high end Duelists. Each group has a specific trait that usually applies to the students. Red students are determined, Yellow students are smart and Blue students are a bunch of arrogant pricks. I feel like Sam would be a good leader for Blue (only the male side of the dorm because there are two, one for men and one for all of the women on campus even when they're not Blue themselves) because I am certain he would know how to deal with jackasses and keep them in line in a way that only he can. Marcus would be a good fit for Yellow and that makes perfect sense, but I'm going to go on a limb and make him Red because I kind of want to explore the kind of mentor he could make in relation to Dolph. Speaking of the colours: All of the Niji 6 are Blue (this is. really awkward given their naming conventions. meaning I'd have to take them out of their uniforms and the only character we have a vague picture of for that is Red so????? yeah idk.), so is Sarah (canonically an overachiever. I feel like she's very. not fond of the other Blue students and chalks their arrogance up to money and powerful cards but being unable to think it through.), Jade is yellow (see. smart and cunning.) so is Bullfrog. Dolph is Red (Fits the determined streotype and I think he could flunk that exam) and so is Cody (yeah. he can throw hands. not cards. probably a fantastic hype guy and hype guys and card game anime are fun <3) Is there anything going on? Not really, I was just thinking slice of life and dumb friendships. And I feel like something stupid like this is the perfect backdrop because everyone has a reason to be around eachother and to just have fun. I want to think about the doomed family for fun. And the dumbarse trio. I love them. To be entirely honest. This is less plot based and more random fluff anime bullshit using GX as a prop up. Both exploring friendships and familial relationships away from canon but with an underlying edge of something wrong but yknow what. Card game tourney time instead. (I got so nervous writing this up and then I thought... who really gives a shit this is escapism at it's finest.)

[raven-at-the-writing-desk]

We come to a close.

TASAUABDUOA;DBAD Thank you so much to @shimmeryspark for doing both Miss Raven’s initial birthday card art and her birthday groovy card art! They both came out looking fantastic thanks to their incredible talent~

I’d also like to take this opportunity to just thank all my readers, and everyone that sent Miss Raven gifts and words of encouragement! 🥰 Like I said in this post, I didn’t initially think many would pay attention to her, so I’m really touched that people are invested in her lore...!

Okay, enough sentimental stuff! Now it’s time to actually close things out--

Once upon a time, there was a lion and a raven.

Though they came into the world on the same day, they lived very different lives. The lion, with his regal mane and natural charisma, commanded admiration from its people. In comparison, the raven was much smaller and more meek. It was easily forgotten, and left to fade into the shadows.

The time to celebrate their birth soon came, and the creatures of the land, sea, and sky began to chat excitedly of it. Surely there would be a grand party, with a mountain of presents to pierce the clouds, and sweets so saccharine their tongues would melt.

Said the lion to the raven, “I shall have a grand ball with the finest of food and frocks.”

Said the raven to the lion, “I shall watch from the wings, for a bird as black as the night has no place at a glittering gala--”

“... Mon dieu, so this is where you’ve been eluding me.”

Her quill stilled.

“Still scrawling a story down, even on this special day? I should have expected nothing less from Night Raven College’s resident storyteller,” Rook noted, stepping out onto the balcony with her. He brandished a fork in one hand, and a slice of cake in the other.

Vanilla flecked with black dots from the bean, with fluffy, whipped cream frosting, and topped with a chocolate crafted in the shape of a feather.

“Yes,” Raven replied nonchalantly, bringing her nib down upon the page again. She said nothing more.

“... Is it that you truly felt inspired by the special occasion, or that you felt compelled to carry on your routine, regardless of the day?”

“I don’t have an answer for that.”

“Fufu. Why not put down the pen and pick up a fork instead?” Rook suggested, offering the cake. “While the dedication to your craft is admirable, surely you would also enjoy a break from burning the midnight oil? If you find that your hands are too tired, I will happily feed you!”

“That will not be necessary, Rook-san.”

To Raven’s horror, Jade appeared on her right--a hand laid over his heart, and his usual fake smile plastered on his lips. She bristled, feathers standing on end, as he inched a bit closer. Stuck between a rock and a hard place.

Great, just great.

“Miss Raven is one year older, you see--not one year younger. You would be remiss to coddle her as though she were still an infant in need of constant supervision. She has enough agency to act on her own.”

“Of course, of course! I was merely advising that she take the time out of her day to play, not work! Do you disagree, Monsieur Mastermind?”

“... No. On that matter, I will concede.” The gold and olive of Jade’s eyes shifted from Rook to the birthday bird. “He is correct, Miss Raven. The party is not one at all without one of its guests of honor engaged with it.”

“What is this, an interrogation? A mugging?” Raven demanded (only half jokingly, knowing that young men were perfectly capable of both).

“They each carry their own charm!” 

“Let us call it an... intervention. Yes, an intervention.” The eel gestured inside--where bright, warm lights twinkled, music blared, and laughter rang out. Where tables full of food and gifts awaited her. (Raven squinted--was that her uncle creating a pyramid of presents?!) “We wish for you to enjoy yourself... until the clock strikes midnight.”

“Like the story of Cinderella.” Raven glanced down at her unfinished story and sighed. “... But I’m no princess, I’ve got no Fairy Godmother, and certainly no prince. So it’s not really a fairy tale, now is it? Just a daydream, never fully reali...”

Halfway through her melancholic monologue, Jade plucked the papers right out of her hands, leaving only a single sheet behind.

“H-Hey...!! What do you think you’re doing?! Those are MINE!!” Raven cried, balling her hands into fists. She brought them down against the eel’s chest, only to be met with a wall of lean muscle. “Give them back! Rook, HELP!!”

“Hohoh. This development... Monsieur Mastermind, could it be?”

Their eyes met, and they exchanged a mutual nod. 

In that moment, Raven knew that the huntsman would not come running to her rescue.

Jade chuckled, holding the papers well above her head and out of her reach. His lips peeled back, revealing two horrid rows of pointed teeth, as luminous as the moon itself. “Oops.”

The story scattered to the evening breeze. Raven’s head whipped back, following the path of the papers. Cursing loudly, she leapt after them, waving her hands in the air wildly, fingers grasping at corners that narrowly slipped by her.

In the end, she retrieved none of them.

The pages had fluttered away, vanishing into the night itself. To places where not even the moon or the stars touched--and certainly not where she could ever reach them. Raven choked back a frustrated sob, clinging desperately at the only paper that remained...

The unfinished ending.

It creased, the birthday bird shaking with irritation.

“Y--Y-You... YOU GIGANTIC NINCOMPOOPS!! M-My story... My story’s incomplete!! I can’t believe the nerve of you...!!”

Raven was met only with matching sly smiles.

“Then you wouldn’t protest to weaving a brand new story with us.”

[paladinsheadcanons]

A History Written In Blood - Chapter 3

Tian is a very scheming man and so is Lian. Zhin has no idea what’s going on he just wants to go for a ride with Sha Lin.

View it on AO3 here! Comments and kudos are greatly appreciated.

As the weeks passed, Zhin noticed his father getting an awful lot closer than he usually was, but he paid the weird change no mind. With House Aico still lurking and watching the Empire’s every move as it regained strength, there was little reason not to be concerned, especially as a General. Perhaps House Aico was planning something, but Zhin wasn’t all too interested in getting caught up with the politics of the Empire. If anything, Sha Lin should have been a lot more concerned, though the prince didn’t seem that way at all. 

Zhin was finishing up his studies with Sha Lin for the day, packing away the books he’d been tasked to read. Sha Lin was more than ready to leave the study, hurriedly dumping his stuff aside the second he could get out. “Come on, let’s go for a ride or something,” He suggested. 

Zhin stretched, feeling several of his joints pop. A ride sounded nice after having been cooped in in the study all day. “I could go for a ride. Can’t guarantee if we’ll run into another Gorlock though.” He lightly punched Sha Lin’s arm playfully. 

They were ready to leave when Tian came in, quickly bowing to Sha Lin. “Would you mind if I had a moment with Zhin?” He asked. 

Sha Lin nodded, quickly ducking out of the study. “I’ll see you at the gates when you’re done!” Zhin managed a quick ‘see you later’ before returning his attention to his father. 

Tian chuckled at Zhin’s worried face, putting his arm around his son’s shoulders. “Oh don’t worry, you’re not in any trouble or anything. If anything, I’m impressed about the Gorlock head you brought back the other day. It takes many men a good, coordinated hunt to get a Gorlock and there you and the price are going, bringing one back all by yourself.” 

“Oh- thanks? So what’s this about?” He was relieved that he wasn’t in trouble with his father. 

Tian took a seat, his eye sweeping over his son before him. All that work he put in for the many years of Zhin’s life would truly come to fruition soon. “You’re a growing man, Zhin. It’s time we talk about your future within the Empire, and outside it as well. Tell me, what do you want to do with your life?” 

Zhin was a little taken aback at the question. But no matter how hard he thought about it, he realised he didn’t have an answer, so he shrugged. “I don’t actually know. I guess most likely I’ll become Sha Lin’s advisor when he becomes king or something.” 

Tian leaned forward, though not menacingly. “And do you know for sure he’s going to grant you that position?” 

Come to think of it, no. “Not really. It seems most likely though.” He wasn’t ready to entirely doubt Sha Lin - after all, they were best friends right? Sha Lin had no reason not to choose him as an advisor when he became king. Then again, kingship was a long time away and a lot of things could happen in between now and then. “Should I be assuming he won’t?” 

Tian smiled. “I don’t doubt the prince’s ability to make the right decision, but it’s always good to plan ahead in case things don’t turn out the way you want them to. Do you have time? I’d like to show you something.” 

Zhin glanced out of the door of the study. Through the tiny gap in the door, he could see Sha Lin chatting with several of the younger palace maids who were more than happy to be talking with him in the courtyard. “I don’t think he’ll mind waiting.” 

“Fantastic. Come on.” He led Zhin out of the study and all the way down to a garrison he had unknown to the King or Queen, or anyone else in the palace for that matter. It lay on the outskirts of the town, decorated to look like it belonged to the Empire though no one in it was aware of its existence. From the outside, it didn’t seem like anyone was there. 

Tian went right up to the main building, the stronghold of the garrison, and knocked on the door. “It’s Tian. I brought my son with me.” The door creaked open, inviting the General and Zhin inside.   

Though outside the place appeared desolated and abandoned, the inside was lively with troops. Zhin initially assumed they were the Empire’s soldiers, but their uniforms looked nothing alike. In fact, they looked more like mercenaries than anything. Their attitudes however, didn’t seem at all menacing as they warmly welcomed their leader and his son. It was a rather confusing place to be in. 

“So what exactly is this place?” Zhin asked. He kept close to his father as they weaved through the crowd drinking and playing cards. Weapons were mounted all along the wall, though Zhin assumed they were only for show. Everyone seemed to be having a good time.   

Tian went right up to his private office in the upper levels, closing the door behind him and Zhin and granting them privacy. “This is the Thousand Hands Guild. It’s an underground society that works for the Empire in scouting out and removing threats.” 

“Like a covert operation sort of thing? Does the Empire know about it? I never heard anything about it.” They must have done a good job at keeping threats out if the Empire never got wind of anything happening, but surely it was best that the King knew? Or maybe he did and just had no reason to bring it up. 

“Exactly. And all this is yours too. Maybe you might not take charge now, but one day. And if your plans with the prince doesn’t go through, you can always come back here and secure a high ranking place. It’s not as glorious as becoming a royal advisor, but far better than being a nobody in the palace. Do you understand what I’m saying?” 

Zhin nodded. It was a lot to take in at the moment, but he was glad to know he had a backup plan if things between him and Sha Lin didn’t go down how he wanted. “Yes father, I understand.” 

Tian pat him on the shoulder. “Good. You’re free to go now, I expect the prince will be waiting for you. Wouldn’t want to keep him waiting for too long. Run along now.” Zhin thanked him once more and was out in an instant. Tian waited until he was long gone from the garrison before he too left, making his way down to the Enchanted Forest where someone would be waiting for him. 

The forest was quiet again, only the trill of birds in the trees breaking the silence. If Tian did not know better, he would have thought the forest almost peaceful, but he was fully aware that there were eyes on him. He navigated his way around carefully placed traps, knowing where to avoid in order to get through the forest. He passed a broken log that had two holes smashed through it and dried blood. Around in the trees were a few broken arrows. Gorlock. The rest of the Gorlock’s body must have been swept away by House Aico since Zhin and Sha Lin had only brought back a head. 

He finally came across a small castle, unassuming but grand all the same. It bore the symbol of a phoenix rising from a bed of roses and thorns with a golden crown at its feet. House Aico. He was greeted at the gates by four guards, who let him into the castle. Going further in, he found Lian waiting for him. 

Tian bowed to Lian, understanding that here within House Aico’s grounds he was only a guest, and Lian was both a commander herself and a princess too. “Your highness,” He greeted, “I come bearing gifts.” He produced a small palm sized wooden box with engravings in gold that he extended to the princess. She took it from him, opening it to take a glance at what he had to offer. Inside was a jade crystal brooch in the shape of a flower and edges in gold and a backing of silver. It pulsed with energy. A very fine gift. 

“You are always too kind,” Lian commented. She closed the box and passed it to a servant who hurriedly took it from her. “I understand that you are here to discuss a potential alliance between the House Aico and the Thousand Hand Guild, in an united attempt to overthrow the Empire. Come, General Tian, sit down and have a chat with me.”   

She invited him into the tea room. Despite only being a princess about the same age as Zhin and the royal prince, he could tell she was far more ambitious than either of the boys. She was a well-planned woman, one destined for greatness. Tian was certain she would make a fantastic ally - one that would aid his own personal goals. 

Lian poured tea for both of them, elegantly crossing one leg over the other in the plush chair. “A man of such power - the King’s General and his royal advisor. What could you be asking of House Aico?” 

Tian took a sip of the tea. English tea wasn’t quite his thing, but he thought perhaps he might bring some back for Zhin if it would help keep Zhin in his favour. “I think you and I both know about our little feud with the Empire. I understand House Aico’s desire to become the ruling state. I believe the Thousand Hand Guild can help with that.” 

Lian raised an eyebrow. “I don’t doubt the Thousand Hand Guild’s ability to assist House Aico in its endeavours, given how it houses members of extreme talent in what they do, your son included. Speaking of which, how is he? I heard he and the royal prince took down a Gorlock some days ago.” She was very interested in becoming friends with them as a shortcut to getting close to the Empire without going through the hassle of the Thousand Hands.   

“They’re as good as they should be. I believe they’ll be riding out again today.” Tian noticed the glint of interest in Lian’s eyes as he told her about the boys. In his mind he began to formulate a plan. If Lian was so interested in them, he could potentially exploit this to his own personal gain. 

“That is good to hear. Now allow me to ask, what does the Thousand Hand Guild want from House Aico in return for the assistance you’re willing to offer us? Surely you will want something in exchange for devoting your time and resources.” Lian was willing to offer money, crystals, land, whatever they wanted. 

Tian took another sip of tea, placing the fine china down on the table. “I do not need anything material from you. All I ask is that you grant my son and the royal prince safe passage through the Enchanted Forest when they feel like it, and perhaps grant them the same hospitality you have shown me today.” 

Lian was a little suspicious that she wasn’t being asked of more, but she agreed. “Very well. Your son and the royal prince will be welcomed with open arms in House Aico’s territory. We will leave them alone for the most part unless they appear at our doorstep, in which we will welcome them as our guests. I do however insist that you do take a gift back to them, at the very least.” 

“If you insist. I think my son will be appreciative of the tea you have. He complains far too much about the kind they have in the palace.” Upon receiving the request, Lian snapped her fingers, sending for a servant to bring a crate of tea for the General to take back with him. 

She personally sent Tian off, seeing that he got onto his horse and left. “I believe this will be the start of a very fruitful alliance between two powerful organisations.” 

Tian nodded. “I look forward to our future meetings, your highness.” As he rode off, Lian leaned over to the servant next to her. “Prepare my horse, and some gifts for the royal prince and the General’s son. I’m very interested in meeting them and extending House Aico’s welcome to them. Oh and leave a note for my mother that I’ll be gone until tonight. I expect I’ll be out late.” The servant nodded and hurried off. Lian stared off into the forest past the trees. If all went according to plan, this would indeed be a very fruitful relationship. Fruitful for House Aico, that is.

[mrgameandpie]

So hey, I was tagged by my pal @cynicalghostie to list off ten of my favorite characters from my favorite series! So, hey, let’s get goin’ on that one! These aren’t going to be in any particular order.

From the Kirby series, we have the wonderful, irreplaceable, Kirby! Yep, he’s the star of the show for this one. One of the coolest things about Kirby to me, at least the Kirby of the games that is, is that he’s just a kid. He isn’t the only member of his species, he isn’t some special Chosen One, he’s just a kid that sees problems out there in the world and goes on and kicks butt to fix ‘em! Even if he does end up getting the wrong person first like 50% of the time.

From the Sonic series, we have the ultimate sidekick, Tails! When I was young and the Sega Genesis was my only game system, my favorite game for it was Sonic 3 by a long shot, and one element was the ability to play as Tails and fly through the levels. Then, as the series has gone on and we’ve seen more stories and playstyles, Tails continues to be my favorite. His story about gaining his own identity in Adventure and his continuing maturity afterwards has been great, he’s probably the character with the best development in the series as a whole!

From that wonderful webcomic known as Homestuck, we’ve got the Witch of Space herself, Jade Harley! Jade became a fast favorite of mine when initially reading the comic, and continues to be in that position to this day. She’s got a seriously excellent degree of positivity and silliness, and with a variety of interests from nuclear physics to botany to fantasy, she’s a fantastic character to watch, even if she ends up not getting to do a whole lot. That’s kinda the point of her story arc, really.

A more recent fandom I’ve become involved in, from the Touhou series we’ve got the shallow and thoughtless human really cool third goddess of the Moriya shrine, Sanae Kochiya! The first Touhou game I played was 12, and I really enjoyed her dialogue when playing as her, plus she also has some of my favorite shot types and absolutely fantastic spell cards/bombs. As I played more games and learned more about her, she quickly jumped to the top of my list. I mean, her line from her boss battle in 11, “You can’t let yourself be held back by common sense in Gensokyo, right?” She says that when she’s roughly in her mid-teens, and I know I said stuff exactly like that when I was that age. With interests in space and nuclear physics (like a character I just talked about) she’s just generally really fun and cool to watch.

Overwatch has a colorful cast of characters who have fantastic backstories, designs, and gameplay, but by far my favorite of them all is Mei Ling Zhou. The Pyro was one of the characters I always played back in TF2, so her gameplay came fairly naturally to me with a similar primary fire. She has some really cute and fun voice lines and interactions, and the degree of ingenuity and hope she displayed in her relatively recent animated short was absolutely fantastic, she’s just really great in general. Even if people do say she’s cancer.

Speaking of online multiplayer shooters, in TF2 the one character I play more than Pyro is none other than the Medic. I like being a support player when available, and the Medic excels at that role in a fantastic way. He’s also got some really hilarious dialogue, and I absolutely love Meet The Medic.

Returning to the world of 2D platformers, the Mega Man series has a ton of Robot Masters and equivalent characters to face off against, but my favorite of them all has to be Mega Man 4′s Bright Man! His level is cool with some neat light gimmicks as well as INTENSE GRASSHOPPER SPIKE JUMPING. His fight is also pretty cool with a unique gimmick where he’ll use his time-stopping weapon only at certain levels of health. And then there’s his weapon, which stops time! I use it a lot throughout the various levels in the game, definitely the best time-based weapon the series has to offer. As a whole, a really fantastic robot master, Dr. Cossack did a good job with that one!

Speaking of franchises with a lot of characters, Marvel’s cast dwarfs so many fictional universes out there, it’s pretty tough to choose just one! However, one hero stands out from the rest of the crowd as being truly Unbeatable, she’s none other than Squirrel Girl! I like the silliness and fun of her stories, a real shift away from the excessive darkness that tends to permeate the world of comics these days. Plus, she’s got rodent qualities, I LOVE rodents! A really fantastic character design in her recent series tops everything off to be my favorite Marvel character. Sorry Mr. Fantastic, but ever since Marvel stopped making the Fantastic Four, someone had to take your place here.

In a similar vein to my favorite Marvel character, my favorite DC character follows a lot of the same beats. I’m not even sure if he still exists in the DC universe right now given the New 52 and such, but he’s been a mainstay in the comic world for a long time now, he’s the ever-flexible Plastic Man! Admittedly, I know him more from animated appearances like Batman The Brave And The Bold and the recent Justice League Action, but I love every appearance I’ve ever seen him have. The silliness, the fun, the creative use of his stretching powers, Plastic Man is truly a guy to look up to, someone who turned his life around for the better after hitting rock bottom. Plus, he’s got a son that he’s had some absolutely wonderful interactions with over the years, some real heartwarming stuff right there.

So, we’ve reached #10 now, the last character I’m gonna be talking about here. Clearly, there isn’t any character I can possibly talk about other than Mr. Game & Watch from, well, the Game & Watch games, but more specifically Smash Bros! He’s been my main character since Melee, and the surprising depth he received in Brawl’s Subspace Emissary was really cool! I do wish we’d get another Smash Bros game with a story mode, maybe we’d get to see G&W do some even cooler stuff! There’s a reason I’m mrgameandpie, and it’s because this guy looks, sounds, and plays really uniquely!

So there we have it, a solid top 10 right there! I’m not particularly gonna tag anyone here, but hey, if you find this and think it looks interesting, launch some cool characters my way! Or Tumblr’s way I suppose. It’ll be a good time I’m sure!

[amplesalty]

Day 5 - Saving Christmas (2017)

On the fifth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me.

FIVE SIDED RING!!!! No, wait...four. GOD DAMNIT!

No, sadly not a remake of the modern day Kirk Cameron classic. Why does Christmas need saving all the damn time? It needs to become empowered so it can save itself once in a while.

Anyway, with this and the Halloween movies, I tend to keep a wordpad document where I will note down any interesting sounding movies I come across so I might watch them in future years. Apparently I must have added this last year but I have no earthly idea where I picked it up from, probably that message board. It's always a bit weird going back through that list a year or two down the line with no context so I have no idea what these things are or how I found them in the first place. Like, spoiler for some future year, I have 3615 code Père Noël on the list but just looking on that makes me think I've copied some weird HTML code somehow.

The only note I've made on that entire list, outside of just film names, is on this noting 'Mike and Maria Bennett'. So clearly again I'm having to make my own way in the world of Christmas/wrestling mashups since WWE still isn't bothering. Still, Becky Lynch was just in that new Marine sequel so that might be neat. And Luke Harper was in one of their movies at the start of the year. I still can't believe Ted DiBiase Jr of all people was in The Marine 2. That guy always seemed so utterly devoid of charisma.

The Bennetts are just the tip of the iceberg though, as this credits roll shows. Tommy Dreamer, Matt Striker AND Gangrel?! Hell yes. Though, who casts Gangrel in a kids movie, honestly? I'm sure he has a...questionable filmography, shall we say. He directed porn, right? I'm assuming directed, I can't imagine someone casting him as a performer...

As an aside, can we all take a moment to appreciate the wonderful wonderful power ballad that is Mike and Maria Kanellis' WWE theme?

Also, as part of the credits, we learn that we're in Norepole, Maine. This both makes me confused for half the movie when I'm unsure if people are saying North Pole or Norepole,  and also worried about what supernatural events are going to go down. It's a possessed wrestling title and it's murdering everyone!

Let's try and get through the dull part of the movie which is pretty much the entire first hour. We have a bunch of kids that seem to be directly ripping off Ghosbusters, trying to track down a trap a ghost, whilst also dabbling in a little testing of psychic abilities. Though, I think this kid has a genuine interest in the subject. Venkman was probably just doing it for grant money, chicks or both.

Only, Douchebag McGee turns up with his hanger on to hassle our gang here. For as bad as this movie is, they at least foreshadow this one kids later betrayal by having him shut his camera off and not even take the footage to any of the teachers to rat on the bully. That or he's just following the code of the schoolyard.

Ooooh, he threw the kids science report in the bin. Real badass over here. Well, he does take it a bit too far by insulting the kids dead father. Again, just the tip of the iceberg though, we'll come back to this.

Meanwhile, we have a budget Rob Lowe over here who rocks up to a lady's salon for a hair cut. He has a cute little dog with him though so one suspects he's here for the women. It's certainly not for a haircut, $25 he pays and his hair looks literally the same for the rest of the movie.

He works for the big toy factory in town under 'Rick', played by Edward Asner. Man, that guy is old and he's still racking up credits left, right and centre. Surprise, he's actually Santa. But he feels too old and crotchety to be Santa. Where's the heart? Where's the love?!

As part of their supernatural fixation, the kids focus on a new task: to prove Santa is real. Well, it's partially for SCIENCE and partially because his little sister has become so jaded towards Christmas. After her Dad died, how could a terrible world such as this deserve something as lovely as Christmas? This must be the world's most miserable 8 year old.

Unfortunately, little Danny's belief that Santa is caught on film by soon to be former friend Jake, who gives it to the bully who plasters it all over...'Friendsbook'. I love when movies and TV shows have to come up with fake versions of social media. Friendsbook seems too sappy to ever get over. Defintely a step down from the less subtle 'Mybook' or 'Facespace'. Danny's friend pretty clearly says Facebook as well so I dunno if they had some rights issue or something that they had to sub in the visual stuff last minute? Billion dollar company and that's what your app looks like? State of it...

Back at the salon, Sammy's attempts to bang Danny's mom have now racked him up $50 in hair cut fees and he's still not had anything in the way of restyling. 24 hour bed head, that guy.

As part of the kids efforts to track down Santa, I can't believe this is a spoken like in this movie, Danny says he 'hacked the Norepole Mall database and got a list of mall Santa's from the past decade.' He also later claims that he has free reign over the toy company's security cameras but can only shutdown their security network for 9 minutes. Clearly having access to a laptop is all that it takes to be a 1337 haxor in Hollywood. One of those is now the promoter of the wrestling show in town, the XWA. If you guessed that the X stands for XTREME, ding ding ding! A winner is you!

The kids however are a little distracted by marking out over Matt Taven. Come on, he's not even good enough to get in the opening credits! Or a close up. The promoter basically tells them that he enjoyed putting smiles on everyone's faces as Santa so that's what lead him to the wrestling biz. I feel there's definitely a parallel to be drawn between Christmas and wrestling. They're both still real to me, damnit!

Sammy explains everything to Danny's mom, that being that he is actually working the real actual Santa Claus who needs a makeover. If only for the sake of plot convenience, she readily accepts this rather than running in the opposite direction. Apparently back in the day, his company and 'a very popular soda company' (he did the air quotes and everything) put Santa on the map but it's the 21st century now. As Sammy puts it, enough is enough and it's time for a change! Firstly, I knew it! You lied to me, Snopes dot com. Coca Cola did invent Santa! Secondly, it's alright Sammy, we know Santa is not a nugget. This is all well and good but I sense a problem with dressing Santa in jorts considering the time of year he has to work. Guy looks like a more urban Hugh Hefner.

If we give Santa a hip new makeover and have him turn up at the XWA Gingerbread Brawl, it could result in the most lkes, shares and retweets of all time! That's a pretty good name, it's no Seasons Beatings or Fabulous February Fight Fest but still, pretty good. And, as for the most retweets? I'm pretty sure you have to be begging for a lifetime supply of nugs to get that title.

We've now come to the best part of the movie, hands down. Danny and his sister are walking home from school. As an end of term assignment, she had to create something based around the one thing she could have for Christmas. So, she makes a memory box full of photos and mementos of her departed Father. That's odd, why did they take the time to have an establishing shot of a wood chipper? I sure this isn't ominous in the slightest.

The bully soon comes into frame. His latest plan is to steal all the evidence that Danny and co have been compiling on the whereabouts of Santa so that he can claim all the credit himself. He figures that box must have everything in it so promptly takes it. But rather than just run off with it, he takes the odd decision to kick it into the air....oh no.

Oh God! The whole thing unfolds in slow motion, a sorrowful song drowns out everything but the dull roar of wood chipper on cardboard action, as Danny's sister breaks down in tears and the bully is in tears of laughter. This is played like the death of Bambi's mother and Mufasa all rolled into one and my God is it beautiful. Danny on the other hand, he doesn't take kindly to this and promptly lays the Smacketh-down on the bully like he's Ralphie Parker on ol' Yellow Eyes.

Right, now that's out of the way, it's time for your main event! Maria Kanellis makes he showstopping, 15 second appearance to recite The Night Before Christmas to a packed locker room of all of 4 people.

Why is Tommy Dreamer on play-by-play?!

And why do your tickets say WXE despite the fact you're clearly the XWA?

I like how in a podunk town of 3,000 people, Matt Striker still has to play as the backstage interviewer. And rather than the Vampire Warrior that we are accustomed to, Gangrel now appears to be a viking called Tucker Von Magnus. Fantastic. You know how Matt Striker would always come up with those stupid names for people? Like Yoshi Tatsu was the Poison Fist of the Pacific Rim? Let's brain storm one for Vampire Viking over here, let's make this a thing.

By the way, isn't it weird that WWE had to license out the name Gangrel from Vampire: The Masquerade? A very odd collision of worlds there.

You know that whole 'Card subject to change' thing? Yeaaaaaaaaah, about that. Turns out Max Miracle (Mike Bennett) had a little motorbike accident and now can't wrestle anymore. But don't worry, he'll defend his title at January Jam! Pre-order your tickets now! Didn't you learn anything from Bret Hart?!

Holy shit, nuclear heat for this. Tommy tries to to calm the crowd down but they are having none of it. As far as I'm concerned, all of this crap in the ring represents these fans out here!

"Uh-oh, and a flying soda to the eye now rendering Tommy Dreamer partially blind." "Wow, this....this truly is a black day for the XWA."

Well, either that or, knowing Tommy Dreamer, he’s probably just crying over something.

Nevermind that, Max Miracle's replacement is non other than Santa freakin' Claus! The bully isn't buying it though and promptly jumps the rail, grabs a mic and cuts a promo on the guy. I say jumps the rail, more like takes a step to the side around the rail. How do we know this is the real Santa?

Well, for one thing, the real Santa can fly. Tommy Dreamer can't believe his one good eye.

Also, the real Santa can magically teleport Max Miracle from his home to the middle of the ring, bad foot and all. Crowd goes banana for this, including one dad who even draws a skeptical look from his daughter. She's like 'Jeez, Dad. Calm down, it's only Michael Bennett.' They act like he's a mega babyface but the guy signed his own cast earlier! What a narcissist.

All it takes is for Santa to lay his healing hands on that cast though and all is well and Max can take on the challenge of the Viking and his evil manager. This is the part I'm calling bullshit on. I didn't sit through nearly an hour and a half of this garbage to sit through a Mike Bennett vs Gangrel match, I wanted Santa vs Gangrel!

Max goes over with, of all things, a suplex and then scoop slamming the manager on top of Gangrel for the pin. Not even a Brainbuster, just a bog standard suplex. What is this, the 80's? Minus 5 stars! Still, probably the only televised victory he’s had within the past year.

[housebeleren]

Guilds of Ravnica Reprints & New Art

Guilds of Ravnica is an exciting set for a number of reasons, and not the least of those reasons is a chance to get all new art for some reprinted cards. It’s always one of my favorite parts of preview season: seeing which cards they picked for reprint, and ogling over the new art.

This time around, three reprinted cards kept their old art, which is a break from tradition for non-core standard sets. Chromatic Lantern, Goblin Electromancer, and Wee Dragonauts are all welcome reprints (Lantern in particular), but they all have somewhat iconic art already set on Ravnica, so it makes sense that new art wasn’t necessary.

As always, it critical to note that all Magic art is wonderful, and my preference for any one over another is just that: preference.

Let’s start with possibly my favorite piece of new art in Guilds of Ravnica. Honestly, this feels like somewhat of a random inclusion in the set, given that it doesn’t synergize or even particularly play well with any of the mechanics or guild strategies. That said, I’m absolutely stunned by this gorgeous piece of art by Igor Kieryluk. Igor has done a number of pieces for MTG over the years, and, for me, this will join the ranks as one of the most memorable and iconic. There’s a softness to this that’s powerful, evocative, and haunting. It’s beautiful.

He’s really good at these mist effects, no? Really fits into the film noir styling of the set.

Previous art (From now on, I’m just doing chronological, without ranking, but I’ll bold particular favorites of mine):

Guilds of Ravnica

Magic 2011

Y’know, I always feel like this card goes back way further than it actually does. First printing was in Ixalan, but it feels like a staple, and for good reason. This type of modal removal has been making a lot of appearances in Standard over the past few years, and I think they’ve been great successes. As for this art, it’s really a cool design. I love the perspective, with all the detail of the different city layers just barely visible below. The Ixalan version more clearly depicts action, but in some ways, the opposite is what makes the Guilds version shine. The calm in this piece is ominous, waiting for the strike with bated breath. Really excellent.

Simon Dominic is relatively new to MTG art, with a couple of pieces from Hour of Devastation being the first I could find. Even so, I really enjoy what he brings to the style. He’s got definite whimsy in his pieces (Experimental Frenzy is another of his from this set), and beautiful use of bold accent colors. His pieces have tons of detail, often with layers and layers of background to explore. Really fantastic.

Guilds of Ravnica

Ixalan

Dead Weight is a card with already existing art that’s pretty well known by Randy Gallegos. As much as I love that version, I find this new one by Lake Hurwitz to be really compelling. The perspective, with the ball & chain taking up so much space in the foreground, is really unique. And I love how well this evokes the spirit of the Rakdos cult, even though they’re not a major presence in this set. It’s a nice touch.

Guilds of Ravnica

Innistrad

I love this card. It plays really well in Guilds Limited, what with all the big Golgari & Selesnya cards running around. As far as the art goes, this new depiction is really flavorful. The Dimir slicing right through an Azorius statute is somehow both literal and figurative at the same time. I also really love the detail of the cathedral in the background on the right side. Amazing what can be done with such a monochromatic palette. Deruchenko Alexander has worked with monochromatic palettes before, just look at the gorgeous green jungle of Ornery Kudu or the ethereal purple light in Entreat the Dead. He also did the phenomenal Spell Pierce from Ixalan, one of the highlights from that set.

I do still love the original Khans of Tarkir version this one by Svetlin Velinov, with the Sultai Naga slicing through the Mardu banner. You can really feel the “disdain” in it. 

Guilds of Ravnica

FNM 2015 Promo

Khans of Tarkir

Giant Spiders show up in basically every set, and there’s only so much variety in them. I do love the ominous nature of this one, with the skeleton remains of its previous victims in the foreground. Really sets the “recluse” tone of the piece, a little more so than the Magic Origins original.

Mike Bierek gets a piece or two in just about every Magic set, and with good reason. Many iconic pieces belong to him, perhaps none more so than the current version of Sol Ring you’ll find in every Commander deck. More recently, he’s done the fabulous Nexus of Fate Buy-a-Box promo, and one of my favorite Guilds of Ravnica pieces, Artful Takedown.

Guilds of Ravnica

Magic Origins

I’ll admit, this reprint completely flew under the radar for me, probably because I never played during Judgment. Ol’ Ironshell here gets his first treatment in modern borders. Kev Walker tends to prefer these close up perspectives, with very minimal, hazy backgrounds. Rather than detail a cathedral facade, as in Disdainful Stroke above, Kev merely suggests such a building in the upper-left corner of the background.

The focus on the beetle plays well with the flavor text, lending to the feeling of whimsy present in a lot of Kev’s recent pieces. This is the space where I think he truly shines.

Guilds of Ravnica

Judgment

Another recent reprint. Looks like they’ve settled on the White Pacifism effect they want for Standard at this point. This version, by Mark Behm, has a slightly fuzzy, almost impressionistic feel to it, particularly in the treatment of the floor in this room. Again, the flavor text enhances the fun & whimsy of the card, making it clear this is a theme they’re trying to play up when they have the creative space to do so. I love the idea of the Azorius trying to codify how to handle all the various bizarre Simic creatures they end up having to detain in this world.

Guilds of Ravnica

Rivals of Ixalan

This is another card that goes way back, all the way back to Tempest block. I love when they can reprint cards like this as periodic staple effects, decades later. The art is a first-time inclusion by Heonhwa Choe, and it’s beautifully done. I love this look at the Gruul, and a taste of what we can expect more of in Ravnica Allegiance. This is probably my favorite version of this card, and I hope we see more from Heonhwa Choe in the future.

Guilds of Ravnica

Conflux

Invasion

Exodus

This card makes a ton of inclusion in this set, so win for whoever put it in the card file. This new art really evokes the concept of the art, that all the members of the Conclave are lending their power to a single champion in a time of need. The color scheme of rich greens with the pops of purple is really gorgeous, and reminds me of Alex Konstad’s Merfolk from Ixalan (check out Jade Bearer for a sense of what I mean.) But what I especially love about his work is the incredible sense of motion. Just browse through his card art, and it’s really amazing how dynamic his pieces feel, so you can really get a sense of the action that is taking place.

Guilds of Ravnica

Rise of the Eldrazi

Of all the cards I expected to see reprints in standard formats, Narcomoeba was never one I really considered. And yet, it’s a perfect fit for Guilds of Ravnica, thanks to the Surveil mechanic. While the original art was intentional in its ambiguous location & time, the new one puts the architecture of Ravnica on gorgeous display. Howard Lyon is a master, and it shows in this piece. This art looks like it’s taken directly out of dreams. It has the quality of a beautiful piece of art from children’s literature, and I mean that in all wonderful ways. I particularly love the inclusion of the fishing person and his cat, which enhance the dream-like quality of the piece. I kinda want everything in my life to be done in this color palette.

Guilds of Ravnica

Future Sight

And yet again, the grand saga of Creature A vs. Creature B on Prey Upon art continues! This time, it’s some sort of Faerie vs a Giant Spider! (Maybe a Hitchclaw Recluse?) I do love the perspective on this one, staring up from the deepest bowels of the undercity. G-Host Lee has only done a handful of pieces for Magic (1 each set starting with Rivals of Ixalan), but they’re all excellent. One common threat I see with them is a great use of distance & perspective. Check out Storm Fleet Sprinter to really get a sense of what I mean. I definitely hope to see more G-Host art in the coming sets. As for Prey Upon, I like just about every version of this staple, but this one is one of my favorites.

Guilds of Ravnica

Explorers of Ixalan

Aether Revolt

Eldritch Moon

Innistrad

Righteous Blow is a card we haven’t seen in a while, though there are a lot of similar effects running around. This art by Izzy is really interesting, with the light source seemingly emanating from the weapon strike itself, as if they’re fighting in an otherwise dark space. I love a lot of Izzy’s art (such as the fabulous Radical Idea for this very set), but for this particular piece, I think I prefer the original by Clint Cleary.

Guilds of Ravnica

Avacyn Restored

Wizards seems to have taken the “Penis Wurm” issue seriously, since all the Wurms in Guilds of Ravnica have a decidedly less penis-like design to them. Siege Wurm showed up first in the Original Ravnica, and has been the poster-child for Convoke ever since. I really like this version by Filip Burburan, and it’s consistent with his “all of the teeth” aesthetic. (Seriously, the new Tarmogoyf for UMA is peak Burburan at its best.) Again, this piece also ties in nicely with the flavor text to create that more lighthearted tone that permeates the set.

Guilds of Ravnica

Ravnica: City of Guilds

Skyknight has been the signature Boros Common since its debut, and that’s not going to change this time around. It’s great to see Chase Stone making a Limited Common, since he is frequently tapped for Mythics, iconic characters & story moments. I love the vista of the city that you see here, though it didn’t read super well on card size, so it’s great to see the larger image here. The action of the knight, standing in the stirrups, gives the piece a ton of energy and excitement. One other thing I particularly like is the color palette of the piece. Previous Skyknights were aggressively Red/Orange in their artwork. Sometimes I like the art clearly evoking the “card color,” but sometimes it looks contrived. Here, he lets the Red & White of the Knight’s armor, the rooftops, & the Roc do the color-indicating work, while keeping the sky & clouds in a realistic palette. It really just elevates the whole piece. My only wish would be to see just a touch more of the mount he’s on, but I get that the focus is intentionally on the rider. 

Guilds of Ravnica

Gatecrash

Ravnica: City of Guilds

The whimsy is real. Someone did a really great job pairing the art descriptions & flavor text in this set. This art gets better the longer I look at it. No surprise, Steve Argyle is the shit. Nuff said.

Guilds of Ravnica

Ixalan

Battle for Zendikar

Wall of Mist is a relatively new card, but it seems poised for staple status. This new art, by Tianhua X, has that surreal, dream-like quality that permeates this set. I love the tall spires climbing out of the mist. Tianhua X is relatively new to Magic Art, starting with some exquisite lands from Battle for Zendikar. He excels at creating pieces with unique perspectives, often slanted or climbing up at extreme angles. They heighten the sense of the fantastical in pieces like this, when at its core it’s simply fog in a city. Beautifully done.

Guilds of Ravnica

Core Set 2019

The Guildgates are all excellent this time around. I love the “front door/back door” design, as it helps to showcase different aspects of each of the guilds. They’re all really gorgeously done.

Guilds of Ravnica

Return to Ravnica

And finally, the shock lands. What trip to Ravnica would be complete without these? The art keeps getting better and better, and I don’t think any two exemplify this better than Temple Garden & Overgrown Tomb. The rich autumn colors in the Selesnya art is absolutely stunning, and I love the stone statues in the tomb, signaling the era of Vraska. Really beautiful pieces all around.

Guilds of Ravnica

Return to Ravnica

Ravnica: City of Guilds

Whew. So that’s it. Those are the reprints that got new art in Guilds of Ravnica. I’ll try to touch on some of the other noteworthy art on new cards in a future post.