#Fictotype Files

[yanakkie]

Might as well start putting memories down

Alright, so I’m in the middle of watching BW131 - “The Path That Leads to Goodbye” for the first time. I’m kind of jumping around with what episodes I have and haven’t seen. I TECHNICALLY still haven’t seen all the BW episodes. I’ll let you all know when I do.

ANYWAY. Iris memories under the cut regarding this episode:

I remember this happening. It LEGITIMATELY hurts to watch this episode, it’s like I’m back in that moment with the tension so thick it could be cut with a butter knife. The episode does well in showing some of Cilan’s reactions to what was going on but comparing show-Cilan to my canon-Cilan…

My canon Cilan was hardcore stuffing down emotions that day to play peacekeeper. That day was harder on him than the episode writes it to be. That day wasn’t just hard on him, though, it was hard on everyone. The mood of the episode is generally solemn for each character but god.

That was so stupid of me.

That was so so stupid.

I was the one who threw a tantrum in the first place. I was the one who decided to bolt at something so dumb. I didn’t just hurt Ash, Ash’s Pokemon, and Axew - EVERYONE was hurt. Cilan and I had a talk afterwards when everything was settled down.

The two of us were close. He was my best friend. We’d stay up and talk sometimes. Cilan couldn’t sleep the night Ash and I made up. He tried brushing it off at first but he opened up with a bit of prodding. I don’t want to divulge all the details of what happened, but bless him, he was holding onto so much and tried so hard to keep it in. I’d never seen him like that before, it was gutwrenching.

I’m grateful Ash forgave me. I feel so guilty for making HIM be the one to apologize to ME. I was the one being a kid. Everything that happened on his end was an accident. It seems so stupid and minuscule now, but I guess that’s the power of retrospect… no doubt it was important to me at the time… still…

I hope I can find my Ash and Cilan someday and apologize again directly.

[yanakkie]

Edited the template a bit!

Did a template for you to put your fictotype in a nutshell! I encourage to edit to fit your own needs! Go crazy with it!

Below are the transparent vers!

[dr-fizzovich]

Goober!!!

OH MY GOD... CUTIE... GIMMIE >:3

[fictionkinfessions]

Can be seen as a vent? I'm placing this here, since my feelings are heavily related to my fictotype. Pokémon ORAS Cartridges have been known to randomly die or have issues that cause them to stop functioning, and I own a physical copy of Omega Ruby (my media) that I have played for 9 years now. It serves as a way for me to regulate myself, and to remain connected to something familiar. No matter how things may appear now, I still have something that mirrors home. While I do have the ability to backup my save file, and bring it over to a new copy via homebrew, it still geniunely scares me that there's a chance the cartridge could fail soon, if that doesn't seem irrational. I feel like a lot of people only see it as mildly disappointing, but for me, it's something that geniunely distresses me. It can be a bit alienating, with most discussing the cartridge failure as an annoyance, but it is geniunely my worst nightmare. It would take me months to get over, it's my connection to who I was. I noticed my copy is booting up slower than it used to, which is a large cause of these worries surfacing. I do not want to lose it.

- Maxie (Pokémon Omega Ruby)

✉

[fluffyfairyzz]

‼️⚠️ IM A MINOR AND DONT HAVE A BANK ACCOUNT THATS CONNECTED TO MY PHONE, CANT DONATE TO ANYTHING, BUT I CAN REBLOG ! PLEASE please PLEASE dont ask me to donate to anything, it makes me very anxious and is very upsetting to me since i cant and dont like letting people down, feel free to ask me to share gfm posts though! i may take a while to share posts due to school / being too distracted to check messages and stuff, pls be understanding!, im not intentionally ignoring anything

IMPORTANT STUFF ( mainly fundraisers ) !! + another fundraiser + another

don't forget your daily click 🍉!

how you can help palestine! + +

✰ THE MOTH’S BLOG

hai I'm a random moth on the internet and this is my intro

★ ; i go by many names , mainly mossy, but you can also call me mothra , mothy , critter , fern, or any of my fictotypes’ names :3

★ ; im definitely a pronoun hoarder , however my main pronouns are it / its , moth / moth’s , bug / bug’s and hy / hym! prns cc

★ ; my main labels are agender, omni , orchidsexual , and xenogender ( i hoard xenos �� )

★ ; sometimes i draw stuff! mostly furries,, did i mention im a furry…

★ ; im alterhuman! more specificly, a luna moth therian, im also otherkin and a fictionkin of various characters! my luna moth identity is the most prominent ,, but im also pretty connected 2 my angel gabby ( angel hare ) and scp 682 fictotypes ( my 682 fictotype is VERY “canon” ( in quotes cus there is no real scp canon ) divergent btw ) ! full alterhumanity here!

★ ; im diagnosed with nvld ( the link is to an infographic because ik a lot of ppl dont know what it is ) n dysgraphia ( so i may misspell words + i have shit handwriting )

ik dnis dont rrly work, but heres the ppl i will probably block : homophobes, transphobes , racists, etc ( yk the basic shit) , terfs/swerfs/“gender critical” , truscum/transmed, anti mogai, anti otherkin/therian/etc, ( proud (and yes also that counts pro contact, but if ur anti contact and still proud uh ill also block u ) "maps"/zoos/supporters, proshippers/profic/darkshippers/etc , if you believe in “narcissist abuse”or demonize any disorders , nsfw / kink centric blogs , transid / radqueer ( , good faith transspecies wont be blocked!, i dont really consider that to be transid / radqueer. ) , lolisho, anti abortion, )

before yuo interact!! : i can be pretty sensitive so pls be considerate , i (usually) dont tag blood when posting / rbing things abt the bishops from cotl, since its part of their dried n part of their designs , i believe in n sometimes post abt past lives, i dont tag cussing ( anymore ), and i usually dont tag caps unless its specifically in a yelling context , im currently very fixated on the exorcist ( mainly the first movie n the book, but i like the whole franchise, ) so i do reblog / post stuff about characters who happen to be priests

★ ; INTERESTS : , the exorcist ( currently the one im thinking abt the most ITS DRIVING ME INSANE /pos ) , my ocs , furry stuff , drawing , kandi , bugs , furry / alterhuman history , cult of the lamb, childs play ( mainly just chucky himself tho LMAO ) horror in general tbh, the walten files, animal jam play wild, kid vampire , cryptids , adopt me ( yes like the roblox game, i am cringe yet free ), i might get into monsters inc / university eventually idk

im also a minor so dont make it stinky 😕 /ref ig

most of my tags r pretty self explanatory, but my “mossycore” tag is just like “haha me fr” stuff and sometimes images of my kintypes n allat 👍, also #important is usually for gfms, #psa is usually for other important stuff

hey check out my silly webbed site ... its right here

other blogs :3 :: @fluffy-fairyzz - interacts from . @lunamothfloof - coining blog . @lunamoth-stims - stimboard blog . @funnysillykins - kinhelp blog ( currently abandoned but ILL BRING IT BACK I SWEAR!! )

also. this is my fursona

x / x

[dr-fizzovich]

she/her but in the way Cabby from Inanimate Insanity is

it/its but in the way every file cabinet is

He/Him but not in the way I’m a man but in the way people assume every dog is a boy

[post-punk-revival]

3, 9, and 11 for the kin ask game? c:

3. How many kintypes do you have? Which one did you discover first? Are you questioning any?

Rough question for me because my number of 'types gets me the side-eye from more rigid kinfolk, but I've been trying to get better at being unashamed of it. Eight. Four theriotypes, two kintypes, and two fictotypes.

It gets convoluted when I try to pinpoint which I discovered first. I returned to the community after two years in November of 2019 now knowing that I was a raven, but my Link fictionflicker (now a fictotype) started in August of that year, so I could say Link. Or I could say raven, because I actually figured that out while in denial in 2018 -- I just didn't want to call it a theriotype (because again, was in denial).

I am questioning a fictotype. Unfortunately I may be in a state of questioning for the next few years. It's a character from the lore of a concept band that's still being slowly revealed, and it has no official name or backstory yet. So it might be a while before I know enough about the character to either confirm or deny. Until then, I'm categorizing it mostly as a fictionflicker that just doesn't go away, I guess.

9. Do you, on average, get more shifts or memories?

I don't get memories at all. The closest thing I have to memories is my more complicated dream shifts, which are still technically shifts. Sometimes I get theriotype dream shifts that execute like a realistic life event, but usually it's fictotype dreams that have me waking up thinking "if I were spiritual at all that'd probably be important to write down," and usually they're Link-related.

11. For those with more animal-like kintypes (or just literal animals), what are the most significant quirks/behaviors/instincts that

Just going to assume nothing important was cut off after "that"...

Habitat longing for sure. I file that under "instincts." Not being in the right habitat is a massive well of dysphoria for me, probably my biggest source. It combines with other factors and keeps me up at night longing for the marine west coast forest ecoregion.

Thanks for the ask!

[apocalypse-akaba]

Have you ever been able to feel that you’ve done something, but unable to visualise what that thing was? To know with absolute certainty that something happened but be unable to recall exactly what it was?

That’s where I stand currently. Trapped, pinned between the overwhelming knowing of a truth that my mind has no material to show for it.

What can I tell you? What picture can I paint from what little actual retention I have left, to recreate the scene of what transpired before you as I recite into the depths of a memory long since filed away as a completed story. It’s not much honestly: Sounds; I remember familiar voices, the upbeat music, I remember the buzzing and hum of circuits and the rhythmic chopping of helicopter blades. Colours; I recall faded and fuzzy, multicoloured hues of circus lights flashing in and out on lit up neon signs and the obnoxious illumination of advertisement boards filling the streets at night. I know of the sensation of electricity through the air in the laboratory, and the connection one has to their monsters.

I’ve had memorised the motions that were gone through and I can feel the emotions, a once vibrant passion that has survived the test of time.

This is all that has survived for me to recall, and I feel guilty in my lack of anything with a narrative to show other than to point at what is depicted bluntly, but it feels all so very long ago.

It’s like loading a saved game on a second-hand bought disk, yet the name bares your own and you’re left wondering if you truly did play it once before.

So, in curiosity you start it up, and progress through the motions of the game that while you understand as new to you, also feel old; a deja vu that doesn’t quite sit right. An unidentifiable sensation that forces you to reconsider just what term to use, or if there even is one. An uncomfortable dissonance increases yet you find yourself like a tuning fork that has been struck against this source, tuning to this other note.

I don’t believe any longer that I would be incorrect to say ‘Akaba Reiji’ is my fictotype, but ‘past life’ certainly remains at the forefront. I believe eventually it may once more fade, and return to just being ‘a past life’, but due to the nature of self discovery it has tuned me into this with such ferocity there is a bleed that is difficult to ignore. So I am left with a complicated answer of that it is both true and not to say I am Akaba Reiji - for what do I have left to show for it?

What do I have remaining to make such a claim? What achievements do I have here to show to upholding another name? What right do I have to own a name that I have not worked to deserve? Is it truly fair to say I can claim ownership simply because it ‘once was’, even when I can not prove it?

What if I am wrong, then my claim to the name would bring the highest insult to him, and I would feel ashamed for my actions. This is an argument I went over once before, and I knew then I had to accept the responsibility of holding the name, but now I feel again once more undeserving of the family name. But my first name? I feel alright in retaining that. Each cycle, each life, each chance I might have a new story but each time I will remain with my name. ‘Reiji’.

There’s going to be some changes for me, that have been a long time coming but I’m aware the issue lay with myself in accepting such drastic change. This comes as a result of further working with Koru, and is likely heavily dependant on our relations, but I’m going to gently retire my old family name, because I wish to create a new one. I think this is an important step for me, to break free from a family that I once created my entire self around. It’s scary, and maybe that’s why I was reluctant, but it’s something I’ve recognised as something I must do for a while now.

I will be simply ‘Reiji’ until I can find a family name, one I can wear with pride once more. And I will also accept the previous me within Arc-V as part of this long string of life hops. If I am wrong then I will accept it, but till then I believe it’s time to make a step forward, even if only to enable change.

[yanakkie]

I look at the ending credits scene for "I Choose You". I immediately become incredibly emotional and almost start crying. Why???

ah, wait, it's because my life would've been completely different without Ash

[dr-fizzovich]

EHEHEEE THANK YOU SO MUCH RAAAHHHHH!!! YAY!!! YIPPIE!!!!!! ^_^ :D

hmm.. i like your art. Idk if your requests are open, so...

*slams this fellow onto the table*

can you draw... this gal. Aka me. :3. /nf obviously.

I FINALLY HAVE TIME TO FINISH MY REQUESTS SORRY IF THIS TOOK WAYYYY TO LONG

I like this design a lot, ty 4 ur request and again sorrreyyyyyyy

[yanakkie]

Well, shit. IF my memories ARE IN FACT TRUE and not just headcanon:

That would mean Unova, in my timeline, reworked it’s Pokemon League system to be primarily double battles. I have no way of confirming if this memory is real or not if I’m just producing the most fire fanfiction material rn, But:

That would mean Unova battles would’ve started focusing primarily on double battles instead of single battles. Like that wouldn’t just be SPECIFICALLY for the Pokemon League, Gym Leaders would’ve had to found a way to make it work for their Gyms. Solo Pokemon battles would be rare but not impossible to find. Like, hypothetically, if my memory is accurate.

But HOW? If Cilan WAS a duo-champion with me, how did he reach that point? I can accept for absolute certainty that he’d make it through the Pokemon League with no problems, he was an incredible Pokemon Trainer. But what, did we both tie and they didn’t know what to do? I guess I could see that happening?

Honestly

I’ve been talking a lot with someone else from the Pokekin Universe (they’re really fucking awesome) and they write a lot of fanfiction which helps them connect with their memories better. Maybe I’ll do that too. Even if I’m filling in the gaps in some areas, writing is sort of like a meditative practice. Plus, this would be SO FUN TO THINK ABOUT AND THINK ABOUT HOW IT PERMANENTLY CHANGES THE WAY UNOVA GOES ABOUT BATTLING!!

Me, in my canon, not thinking about the region-wide ramifications of what I’m about to say: Okay so like we tied, so doesn’t that just make us both Champions?

OR SOMETHING SIMILAR IDK

Feels like the Pokemon League Association in Unova wouldn’t easily agree to something like that because its such a fucking gigantic shift in the norm

[yanakkie]

Emotional fictotype ramblings under the cut

I miss Cilan. I've talked about it before on my blog, but besides being my partner in life, Cilan was my best friend. I could talk to him about anything and everything. We'd stay up late into the night talking about whatever came to mind. It was just so comfortable and so nice. It meant everything to me and he later told me it meant everything to him.

His kindness really knew no bounds. Cilan was overwhelmingly patient and sweet. Even if I had trouble saying something, he'd wait until I could phrase it properly. I'm stuck because in moments like these, where I miss Cilan, I can't really talk to anyone about it and it sucks. I would normally talk to Cilan about missing Cilan.

I wonder what he's doing now in this life. I hope he's happy. I hope to reunite with some someday so I can hear about his life and how things have been for him. So that, maybe, the two of us can rebuild our friendship once again into something even stronger.

Our bond was unbreakable. It's the kind that would transcend space and time. I know he's out there, but it's so hard to just sit here and wait for the day we find each other again. Sometimes I hope Pokemon Black & White will get a remake so more eyes fall on the game. I don't know.

I'm not going to give up hope no matter what. But right now, I'm just really sad.

I want to hug him again. I want to hug Pansage again. I miss Axew, Emolga, Excadrill, Gible, and Dragonite. I miss Chili and Cress. I miss Ash. I miss my friends. I miss everyone. I hope that someday all of us can get back together again as a family.

I don't know how to cope with this. I'm trying to figure that out. I'll probably just play more Pokemon tomorrow and watch more of the anime. Doing that helps a lot. I hope my Axew plush gets here soon. I need a Pansage plush soon too...

I'm tired. It's 6 in the morning.

[yanakkie]

(Ten minutes later)

[yanakkie]

30 Days of Otherkin Challenge - Day One + Day Two

Hello all! My name is Ko, but I also go by Iris. I am Fictionkind, which means I have a kintype of somebody from a fictional setting. In my case, my kintype is Iris. Specifically, the Iris from the Pokemon Black & White anime.

For the next thirty days, I'm going to be challenging myself to write along with these prompts made by TheHornedGate on Wordpress, who I believe was also @meirya on Tumblr - however they don't post on that blog anymore.

Without further ado, let's begin!

So since I've missed the first day of this challenge unintentionally, I'll be combining the first and second prompt of this challenge into one. Quite frankly, I would have done that regardless as I find it difficult to explain my current identity without first providing background into how I got to where I am.

Prompts 1+2: Current, History/Development

HISTORY

I believed I first learned of the term Fictionkin when I was fourteen. I was moderating a Skype roleplay group and became fast friends with one of the people apart of it. They told me part of the reason they roleplayed the character they did was because they held a kintype in that character. Confused, I asked them to elaborate and they did.

My first interpretation of their explanation was that this phenomenon they were explaining was when somebody just really really liked a character. I repeated this belief back to them and they went further into detail with their explanation. I didn't think too much of it at the time, but I filed the information away in the back of my mind for future reference. The furthest I think I got to processing the information was telling my then boyfriend about it.

In 2015, I rediscovered the term after the first month of Undertale's release. I was looking for art of Flowey on Tumblr to reblog when I saw an aesthetic post with the character. Then I saw the term again. "Kin". And that conversation I had came back to me. I was intrigued that a community like that had now developed around Undertale, so I decided to dive in and explore what it was like.

The definition of Fictionkin was relatively the same as how my friend explained it. I looked into it a bit more here and there but after scrolling through the tag and reading explanations, I got the overall gist of the idea. Full disclosure: I didn't fully understand how seriously others took this belief at first. I dipped my toe into the pool and cautiously started to swim.

The first kintype (I don't think I can really call it that now?) I thought had was Flowey the Flower from Undertale. An alternate universe Flowey where he'd been brought back up to the surface after the events of the game. That was it as far as details went. I assimilated into Fictionkin spaces and befriended other people who held similar beliefs. I learned more about the Fictionkin community as I went along and started to fully grasp the importance of their beliefs, and most importantly of all, how others felt connections to their characters.

I realized then that I was wrong in my assumption I was Flowey. But in the time I had realized that, I had come to adopt a strong connection to another character. In 2015, when this was all taking place, my then boyfriend at the time had forced me to sit down and listen to him read Homestuck for hours at a time. I hated every second of it but for the sake of maintaining that relationship (and being a teenager), I lied and told him it was one of the best pieces of media I'd ever experienced.

I have no opinions on Homestuck now, I haven't tried reading it since 2015.

Anyway, while he read Homestuck to me, I developed a very close attachment to Nepeta. So, for the next several months, I took on Nepeta's character and identity as my own. There are pictures of me dressed similarly to Nepeta, I would often speak in her typing quirk when I was younger, and I even went as far as to insist those at my new school at the time call me Nepeta. I am grateful that I was only at that particular school for three days before transferring to another.

At the time, I didn't really understand Homestuck's quadrants or whatever their relationship system is. So I tweaked character's relationships in my mind to suit my own personal preference. For instance, I liked Equius, so I changed the relationship Nepeta and Equius had from Moirails to Matesprits (I think that's how you write those words.) My boyfriend at the time hated this and often vented to one of my friends behind my back about how I "didn't get it" and things along those lines. That boyfriend of mine was particularly judgmental when it came to the subject of Otherkin, so when I had started to fully come into my own and embrace my identity - he tried to push me back into my shell.

The bastard broke up with me on my birthday, about two months after I'd started to fully surround myself in the Otherkin community, and to be honest it was for the best as much as it fucked me up real bad at the time.

In hindsight, I can fully understand what that phenomenon I was going through was. I don't think I could properly call Nepeta a kintype, given the very specific circumstances that younger me was placed under.

Time passed. My attachment to Nepeta slowly faded away when I learned to let go of the relationship I'd had with my ex. I fizzled out of the Otherkin community for a while afterwards. Burnt out. The summer of 2016 flew by and the school year picked back up. I started at a new school again after being kicked out of my previous one for my grades. Although I held false hope that I could go back if I got my grades back up and had my teachers write me letters of recommendation. (My grades never picked up.)

I can't remember what domino tipped to start this, but I developed a strong fascination with the Danganronpa series around this time. Maybe it was because the Danganronpa 3 anime was airing around that time??? That's just a guess, though. But I started to really feel something when I looked at Makoto Naegi, the main character of the first game. I wanted to be him, I realized. I had strong emotional attachments to the people he had relationships with, particularly his sister, Kiyotaka Ishimaru, and Kyoko Kirigiri.

Makoto Naegi's existence opened the gate to me exploring more about myself and my identity. I identified as male for a short period of time, I changed my name both online and in real-life.

"Oh, is that why you call yourself, Ko?"

Partially, actually!

I got particularly sensitive being around other Makoto Naegis. I was sensitive about others who shared the kintypes I had at the time (I am not so adverse to doubles anymore). I got touchy over talking about the twist villain of Danganronpa. From 2016 to 2017, participating in the Otherkin community was my every day.

I'd post about memories I had, I talked to sourcemates daily, it was a lot of fun for me! Given the strong connection I had with Makoto Naegi at the time, I would say that could be considered my first awakening. I'm not as connected to my Makoto Naegi kintype anymore (hence his lack of presence on my Fictotypes list) due to my overall disinterest in Danganronpa as a franchise now, but I'm not one to forget my roots.

While Steven Universe was still airing, I had this strong feeling in the back of my head. That I had a kintype in Pink Diamond's pearl. At first I thought it was the Pearl shown in the series, the main character Pearl. Though something about this line of thinking didn't exactly sit right with me. At the time, though, it was the only information I had to work with. But, then White Pearl showed up on screen. And the second I saw her, I knew she was originally Pink Diamond's Pearl. Sure as shit, I was right.

Any memories I may have had as Pink Diamond's Pearl, Volleyball, are gone. Much like she says in the show "Eight thousand years just *Bwoop!* gone!" The only thing I can really tie to that kintype is the close connection I had with the main character Pearl. I very much enjoyed the Steven Universe Future episode that aired, I'm sure you can imagine. But anyway, this is another kintype that isn't listed due to me feeling disconnected with the kintype.

I have a bit of imposter syndrome over both my Makoto Naegi and Pink Pearl kintypes, honestly. For starters, being as young as I was, I don't know for absolute certain if the "memories" I remember writing down were legitimate memories or me coming up with headcanons. As for Pink Pearl, my lack of memories troubles me.

I had other kintypes. Callie from Splatoon, for instance, was another big one for me. As was Monotaro from Danganronpa v3 and Keiichi from the Higurashi anime. Although, again, these are kintypes I have a sort of imposter syndrome with as I'm unable to ascertain whether the memories I had were true. The lack of connection I have with these characters now likely doesn't help either.

I try to be very cautious nowadays when placing a kintype on my list. Over the years, I've developed new criteria for what I consider to be memories or spiritual connections to characters. I guess, for example, I take into consideration the length of each individual interest. If the interest persists, then I consider it deeper and look further into it. If it doesn't persist after a long period of time, then I don't really think further into it. Maybe this isn't the right way to go about it, but this is my personal method.

I took a step away from the Otherkin community for a few years in 2018 due to some very unfortunate circumstances in my life!! To make a long story short, I got into another relationship with somebody who ridiculed me for my beliefs (among other things, but this post isn't about him) so I stopped going on Tumblr and mostly just ignored any growing connections that stirred inside me. I found out the other people in my life who I'd told about this experience had harboured secret judgmental feelings all along but kept it to themselves. So needless to say, I wasn't eager to return to the community at first.

In 2020, I returned to the Otherkin community after what I believed was me awakening to Cozy Glow from My Little Pony. Though, this was another instance where I had no memories of being the character, and only had personal feelings to work off of. Regardless, that was enough for me at the time and I developed some very strong friendships with people apart of the My Little Pony Fictionkin community at the time. It was a very wonderful experience - but in being there I was able to learn more about what the "average" Otherkin experience is like.

I didn't know what an awakening was, despite being in the community for multiple years at that point, until I joined that Discord. And I realized the phenomenons they were speaking about were foreign to me, which made me feel pretty out of place. I questioned why I didn't have memories as Cozy Glow. I tried meditating, even buying a crystal at another member's recommendation that swore they got memories after purchasing one all the time.

I wore it around my neck for months and still, nothing. Despite my own doubts, I still believed. After all, it felt right to call myself Cozy Glow. So I let it be. I wrote various stories and fanfictions around Cozy Glow getting redeemed and Chrysalis and Tirek following shortly afterwards. There was a lot of found family themes around the three. But overtime, I fizzled out of the community again.

Unlike the other kintypes (or whatever they were) I had, Cozy Glow is still one that remains near and dear to my heart.

CURRENT

2024 has been a mixed year for me. I intend to go more in-depth about it in a later post, but I've done a lot of work on myself this year. A lot of aspects of my personality have changed over the course of the year to the point where I'd say I am fully not the same person I was when I entered the year. I am a lot happier, for one. I've learned to indulge in my interests without shame. I've learned to stop ignoring the things that make me happy. I've learned to embrace who I am without shame.

So, in general, 2024 was a year of self-discovery for me. Or, re-discovery, rather. In June, I lost a good portion of some incredibly close friends due to a domino effect of unfortunate circumstances. To distract myself, I forced myself to complete the last leg of my GED and do my worst subject: math. I completed it in a month but after that project was over, my mind was back to wandering.

My hope was that by forcing myself to think about something else so deeply for a month that I'd completely forget about the pain I'd endured. That was not the case because there are no shortcuts in life. So from July to September, I grieved. I tried taking on another project, learning Japanese, to distract myself from my sadness again - because I'm terrible at learning my lesson the first time, I guess.

I had to really come to terms with the fact that the friendships I had been in were poison. That wasn't going to be a realization I came to while I was ignoring the matter entirely. I guess after that, I picked myself up, dust myself off, and continued forward. I've always been somebody with something of a hyperfixation on self-improvement. So I wanted to learn how I could start loving myself in the way that I deserved.

I clung to the friendships I'd had so hard because they made me feel loved in areas where I didn't love myself. Which meant that I'd inadvertently tied aspects of my self-worth to them. So losing them made me feel like I had failed in some regard. But that was the furthest thing from the truth!

One thing was for absolute certain, though: I had to learn to love myself. The validation of others was nice, but if I couldn't start praising myself and lifting myself up for the things that I liked about myself, I was going to be in massive trouble. This meant tearing down the foundation in which I'd built myself as a person and reworking it from the ground up.

Bear with me here:

I looked to certain fictional characters to imitate for their confidence. Characters like Reko Yabusame from Your Turn to Die. Reko had a strength in her that I so desperately wanted for myself. So I wrote down characteristics I admired in her and they're currently, at this very moment, pinned right beside me on my wall. A common question I ask myself now is: What would Reko Do?

I definitely wish Reko was a kintype. Unfortunately, she's just someone I look up to.

I know the person I want to be now. That was the most important step in this journey. Figuring out the kind of person I want to be and reworking my values and principals to centre in on that. And when I was finally able to do that, the grief of what I'd lost stopped. I'm a lot better now than I was two months ago. I'm happier! (It also helps I moved out.)

So with that all being said:

While I was thinking of fictional characters to imitate, my mind shifted back to the Otherkin community. I knew, of course, that one could not simply pick and choose their kintypes. That had never been how things worked. I knew about the basic idea of synpaths, though. I started to question if I actually ever understood what being Otherkin or Fictionkin actually meant. The definition the people in the My Little Pony discord spoke about was far different from my own experiences, after all.

So I tore down the structure of everything I thought I'd learned and started from the beginning. I scoured through forums, people's writings and experiences, all so I could gain a better understanding of what this experience actually was. And I came out of it with more insight that I'd previously had. Being Otherkin and Fictionkin was a spiritual experience, through and through.

Again, though, I'd always known that. But it was nice to read the writings of others who confirmed that.

One thing kept repeating in my head throughout all of my readings, though. Awakening. It was the one thing I felt I'd never experienced before. I'd never experienced a sense of canon sickness or feeling that something was missing from my body. The closest I'd ever gotten was missing Tirek and Chrysalis while I was in some sort of Cozy Glow shift. And desperately wanting to fly.

There is one individual who joined the Discord I'd been apart of multiple years ago. They spoke at length about their own experiences with being Fictionkin and the awakening they experienced. The intensity and emotions they shared were the main driving factor behind me wanting to do more research into this subject. I felt even then that there was a disconnect in what the people in that server believed and what I believed. I will never forget the stories they shared in there.

I hope they're doing okay.

Anyway, I'd never experienced any sort of awakening before. So, I thought to myself "Alright, so whatever I'd been experiencing before doesn't align with what I'm reading. Therefore, I'm not fictionkin" and I was fully prepared to leave it at that.

Obviously you can see that's not where the story ended.

Quite literally days after going into this deep dive into Otherkin, I began getting back into the Pokemon anime again. There's something that happens to me that I call The Special Interest Carousel. I have a variety of different interests in the back of my mind that fly out at me depending on the different things I interact with. My Pokemon hyperfixation has a tendency to return quite often, all because of one character.

I can't tell you why or how these feelings started. But I know that my fascination with Cilan began when the Pokemon Black & White anime first started airing. I was searching for clips of Team Rocket on YouTube and I saw a compilation of James's moments from the new anime. I clicked it and I listened to it on repeat. Then, I think I clicked on another video which had Cilan in it.

And I recognized the voice.

I believe the Pokemon Black & White anime began airing right after Jason Griffith was released from playing the role of Sonic the Hedgehog. I had taken a hard steer away from my interest in the Sonic games because of the voice actor changes. So I felt a certain connection to Jason Griffith specifically.

I was happy for him! As a kid, it was nice to see that he'd jumped from one role to another so quickly. That's about all I can remember, but I'll take a shot in the dark and guess that one of the only reasons I was willing to give this new season of the anime a shot was SPECIFICALLY because of Jason Griffith. I felt that watching the anime would support him.

And by "watch the anime" I mean "watch clips here and there" since I didn't know how to find episodes online for free and I wasn't really supposed to be watching Pokemon as a child (I grew up in a pretty religious household and my Mom thought Pokemon were secretly demons).

Once again, I don't know how this happened, but all at once I was completely hooked on Cilan as a character. Here's where things get interesting:

I am and always have been a very self-shippy kind of person. Practically all of my long-term OCs were created for the sole purpose of shipping them with a canon character. Cilan was one of the FIRST characters who EVER inspired an OC that wasn't made to ship with him. I adored Cilan VERY much. I adored his brothers VERY much! Yet, I made no OCs to ship with any of them. Even at that age, the only person I shipped Cilan with was Iris.

And no matter how much time passed, that never changed. Fics I wrote with my OC (My OC was the Striaton Trio's secret fourth sibling, younger than the trio. I'll probably have a fic about her out someday) always kept in mind an Iris/Cilan endgame. I returned to this OC and these characters over and over again over the course of multiple years. My OC has been around for twelve years.

As a child, I would spend literal hours deep diving into Cilan and his brothers. I would read fanfiction after fanfiction about them, studying up on the wiki about them, and in this obsessive deep-dive is how I discovered the Bulbapedia page that described the ship between Iris and Cilan: Wishfulshipping. One of my favorite things to do was read that page on repeat, then scroll through the episodes containing hints on Bulbapedia to read about them.

After being a diehard Team Rocket fan for multiple years, after Team Rocket was singlehandedly the reason I'd ever taken an interest in the Pokemon anime at all Cilan and the characters in the Pokemon B&W anime captivated me in ways that I could not explain as a child. I wanted to watch the anime, so badly, but I couldn't find a way to do so - not without risking being caught by my Mom.

Over the years, it's been the same routine. Return to the OC story idea, write about it for a bit, watch the anime, etc. My adoration was neverending and returned multiple times a year. Now that I'm writing it, Pokemon has always been an exception to the rule when it comes to my hyperfixations. The only other interest with potential for this to happen is the Kirby: Right Back at Ya anime. (But that's a story for another day and I have no experiences with that show that align with the experiences I've had with the Pokemon anime.)

I never considered once over the years that I may have had some sort of deeper connection with Iris. It always felt natural for me to ship her and Cilan together - two halves but when together, make one whole. It's honestly a bit difficult for me to get into hyperspecific details of how I came about even concluding that I could be Iris, but I'll say the thought first crossed my mind in early 2023. That's about as much as I feel comfortable saying so let's jump forward to the present!

I'll give you some insight into how I used to determine my kintypes. The first thing I'd look at were my own deep emotional connections to the characters in the media I was considered. I've since set higher standards for what I'd consider to be "deep emotional connections". What do I mean by this? I mean feelings that persist regardless of the passage of time.

I went through a pretty strong phase where I absolutely adored Jax from The Amazing Digital Circus. I'm fairly certain that has potential to come back as the series continues. I've run through my usual checks on the series, but I know I likely don't have a kintype in the series as I can't really reinvigorate the emotions I had toward Jax even while watching new episodes or listening to songs where he sings.

Compare that to Cilan, where seeing a picture of him revives my Pokemon obsession entirely. If it's not that, then at least once a month I'm passively thinking about the story I've worked on in my head for over a decade. And in thinking about the story, I think about Cilan and that revives my Pokemon obsession.

TO THIS DAY I STILL HAVE NOT SEEN A SINGLE EPISODE OF THE POKEMON ANIME BEYOND BLACK AND WHITE.

Well, okay, that's not entirely true. I've seen the Pokemon Journeys episode where Cilan appears. That's it. I haven't even seen the Masters Eight tournament :'D You know, the episodes where Iris is featured prominently?

You probably get the picture. So, I ran my usual emotional connection test and obviously there was something there. I went "Huh. Okay. Well, that's probably as far as that goes."

Not even a day later, I started getting Iris memories.

As I said earlier, I'm not somebody who easily gets memories. I tried so hard to meditate and otherwise just to get a glimpse into my life as Cozy Glow. Now I can be doing something as simple as washing the dishes and I'm seeing memories of my life as Iris that persisted far beyond the end of the anime.

I have memories of a complete shift in how the Unova Region was run, the rise of tag battles/double battles all because Cilan and I continued to tie in our Championship match. I have memories of a future beyond being the Champion, losing my position, and going off to be with Cilan. I have memories of a married life with Cilan. I have memories of the brothers giving up their Gym and pursuing their own desires in life.

When I did get memories in the past, it only extended to what was shown within the piece of media itself with a only a few anomalies like canon discrepancies. Never in my life have I EVER experienced something like this. I've never had a sense of homesickness before, but each and every day I find myself wanting to return to the Pokemon world. I know that time is gone now. While that world may persist, my soul's moved onto this life and I have to make the most of it.

Time moves forward regardless of where your soul may be.

It hasn't been easy coming to this realization. The homesickness and missing people from my life as Iris has been difficult to handle. I've found comfort in watching the anime, playing the Pokemon games, and recently: writing fanfiction. I speak to other people who have kintypes from the Pokemon anime occasionally, which is nice. It makes me feel a little less alone overall.

It's difficult being part of this life when I had such close people in my past life. I think I'd be a lot better off if I could find those people again and reconnect with them. Unfortunately, though, not many people have kintypes from the Pokemon anime. So I might be without canonmates for a while.

I'm fine with waiting. I know that with enough time, I'll see them again. I'll continue to exist and fully embrace who I am. Then, one day, maybe others will have their awakenings and find their way to me.

Until that day comes, I'll be here waiting, no matter how long it takes.

[yanakkie]

Cilan, please come back and talk to me about trains please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please

[yanakkie]

I have found a workaround