#I am still out of town and these posts are automatically in the queue

[thephoenixcave]

Just random stuff from the past few years

[that-bookworm-guy]

2-week Hiatus Post

I've written, rewritten and deleted this post more times than I can count.

If this has posted it means that I'm still not back.

The only things I've come online for are to top up my queue and to write and queue book review posts. On my Twitter the only things that should be posting are the automatic posts from Netgalley as I review books. My Instagram has been silent.

I've just written my post about my 1 week hiatus, which as I stated in the post, is a safety net I like. It makes me feel like I'm not abandoning everything and hopefully it gives extra notice to those who may not have sewn my original break post. So although these posts are a week apart for you, it's been literally minutes for me.

I don't think I've ever written a 2 week post. I've had breaks that have been longer than 2 weeks, but I've always had a rough idea of when I'll be back. I don't know this time. I really don't. I didn't tell anyone directly that I was going on a break. Because I didn't know how to explain things. I just kinda posted the posts and went silent.

So this post is going to be long.

Tw: Hate (and assault??)

If you've been following me for over a month, you may remember I took a break from social media because of the vast amount of hate I was getting on twitter and here. I shouldn't have come back from that so soon, because honestly, the hate on the internet hasn't stopped. It's all over my Twitter feed, hate directed at trans people and even if I block certain words, screenshots keep appearing of things people have said.

Before my last break, I woke up one day to my Twitter inbox full of vile hate. Towards trans people in general and towards me. I mean vile, horrible messages with vivid descriptions of things. In my half asleep crying state I didn't block or screenshot any of them. I just deleted them. I wanted them gone. It took me hours because every time I thought I got to the end, I refreshed and there were more. I was a mess.

I was getting hate on here too. I had to step back.

I came back a week or two later feeling a bit better. But fully aware that i was pushing myself to regain some kind of normality.

Then everything kicked off again, but this time just on my Twitter feed. If you've been on twitter you may know what I'm on about. I've unfollowed people, blocked others but screen shots kept appearing on my dash and people were replying to hate messages which put them on my feed.

Then I got a hate message on here and something in my snapped. I cried and cried and wrote an impulsive rant on twitter about I'm going on another break.

I haven't reread the thread but I wrote that I'll delete it when I got back, so it's still there. I also wrote about the fact I've been a terrible friend to people because I've been isolating myself. It's something I do when I know I'm getting bad again. In a way, I want no one to notice what's happening. In another, I'm afraid that if they see me in this state, I'll be rejected. So I isolate. 

So I went on a break.

In March I started running to help with my mental health. In May I had to stop due to injury and something else, which I won't discuss. But it meant going back to running was going to be hard for me.

But I decided i needed to go for a walk at least because I hadn't left the house since early May.

I had been out for half an hour when I noticed 3 men behind me. They had been behind me for a few minutes but I thought nothing of it because I was walking down the back streets (I live in a village/ small town. The back streets are just road with houses either side but it's not a proper road. It's mostly used by walkers). I know these streets very well.

But then the men started to comment on what I was wearing (gym clothing, that are men’s wear, which I know isn't important but I thought of wearing something else but didn’t) and commenting on my body. Then they started to question if I was a boy or girl. Things got nasty quickly. I didn't reply, didn't turn around and didn't run. I was taught to do these things. I was playing pokemon go and the men had commented on this so I was scared to try and take their photo or call someone.

Because I didn't answer and i can only assume they saw my beard and nail varnish or maybe my body shape, they started to yell transaphobic things at me as well as sexual comments on my body, guessing what I had under my clothing. I keep telling myself that there is no way they could have known that I was trans, that they were just hoping to get a reaction, and when they didn't, they tried harder.

They threw rocks at me. I have cuts and bruises over my back, legs, arms and something hit me in the back of the head. But I didn't run because I couldn't risk them chasing me. So instead I continued walking like nothing was happening. I tried to show no fear as I could feel a panic attack building. But I didn't know how they would react if I reacted.

They yelled things calling me scum, an abomination, that I should kill myself or they could do that for me. They told me no one would miss me. Tr*nny waste of space. They followed me for a while until I turned onto a main road. Then one of them said that I wasn't worth it and they turned back on themselves.

Mum says there is no way they could have known I was trans, that I look masculine.But I don't think my body does. I had my hood up and was dressed all in black. But my clothing was actually my size instead of being 3 sizes too big. I don't know. I keep thinking what I did wrong. Why I didn't blend in.... Why I didn't pass as a cis male. What I did to be a target when I didn't say a single word to them.

 My dad keeps telling me I was assaulted and that it's a hate crime. I'm not sure what it was....

But mixed with the online hate and whatever it was with the 3 men, I want to do nothing but lay in bed, read and cry, as pathetic as that sounds. But right now, everything is a little bit too much.

I know I need to do something other than hide. But right now that’s all I want to do. I have no energy to be bright and bold and to be proud of who I am.

I know I have to deal with this sooner or later. But right now I pick later.

I don't know when I'll feel okay talking to people, even those close to me. I love and adore you, you all know who you are, but I'm sorry, I can't hold a conversation right now.

Honestly, I want to pretend I don't exist right now. That I'm not real. Which is why I'm reading a lot, because at least then I'm not me.

I love this blog. I love the people I’ve met. I work hard to create content and i genuinely adore what I do here, even if no one else does. Which is why I want to explain why I need to step back right now. Because I don't know, something in my head is telling me that if I didn't write a reason, then I'm abandoning this blog, which I know is stupid. A few weeks or months away isn't going to mean my blog disappears. But this blog and the people on here means a lot to me.

I'm keeping my queue going and I've been writing book reviews to post so it won't even feel like I've gone. I'm sorry I'm not replying to messages or asks, but right now, I can't. I will as soon as I come back properly (not just to update queue). I really hope you all understand.

I'll be back at some point. Maybe a few days after this has posted, or a few weeks, but I just don't know how long. I'm sorry.

I'll be okay, I just need to work through this and some other stuff so I'm not constantly having a breakdown.

[treewithabark]

AGNRY ESAY RANT FITE ME

Okay lads buckle in. I need to have a fat rant and a whinge today and it’s going to be a long one. This is literally an essay long rant of 1,900+ words so don’t click the read more unless you’re prepared to scroll through a fuck ton of angry writing. Will probably delete this later, I don’t care if people read or not, I just really need a space to get out all my feelings because I have a lot of built up frustration in regards to other peoples reactions to myself and Hana

It is poorly written and stuff has been missed out because there’s so many situations that I can write about so I picked a “few”

I am so sick of people looking at me and Hana and judging us at face value for something we’re not even a part of. Let’s start with day to day walking.

We walk up our town’s highstreet often. It’s the easiest way to access all good walks in the area, even if we don’t walk up the entire highstreet we still have to cross through it halfway to access the quiet side streets. Hana is pretty much always muzzled along these streets. Halfway through the highstreet are a couple of people who have a dog or two off lead, and while friendly, these dogs don’t have the best recall when they see a dog. We always cross to avoid these dogs as they don’t seem to cross roads without their owners. While irritating I don’t mind this so much as they’re easily avoided. However, lots of other people walk their dogs up and down this highstreet, we have lots of dog friendly shops and cafes (I even work in a dog friendly café, I will come back to this later) and as mentioned above, it is the main and easiest way to access the best walks.

The number of times I’ve had dogs lunge, bark, and generally make at scene as I walk past Hana is pretty high. Hana for the most part is very good at dealing with this, she can keep a great focus on me, and while she sometimes pulls towards the source of noise to see what’s happening, the only time she has tried to instigate something with another other dog I caught and corrected the behaviour before she even had the chance to make it a big reaction. Yet despite this good behaviour from her part, when people turn around to see who and what is making a huge commotion all eyes fall on her, and I get the judgmental looks and glares of disapproval. One time a terrier on the other side of the road barked at a woman walking three dogs on the same side as me (I was lurking behind a several meters) and all three reacted at once and was lunging at the side of the road. Some people poked their heads out of nearby shops while others turned around. Again, I had some funny looks even though Hana was in a loose lead heel and making no noise at all.

Let’s go back to that café I work in. It is dog friendly, I like this. I meet many lovely dogs here. My favourite being the Finnish Lapphund, Luca, and his lovely owner. There is one particular woman who comes here every day, sometimes twice a day, with her two westie mixes. They bark a LOT. She leaves them tied to the table to have a cigarette outside most days, again at least once or twice. When she does this, they bark. When someone sits near them with food, they bark. Someone they know walks in, they bark. Another dog walks in?? They go absolutely nuts. Sometimes they are calmer and bark less, but most of the time, guess what, they bark. We even had a customer report that one of them had bitten another customer, but since the customer in question hadn’t approached us to make a complaint we couldn’t do anything about it.

Sometimes on my day off I will pop in with Hana (again, always muzzled and usually wearing a marked harness to caution others to give us space) so I can get a discount coffee before or after a walk. Yet again, Hana is always on her very best behaviour. I’ve worked hard to have her calm and focused in these environments. The drill is that we walk in on a close heel, we join the queue (sometimes go straight to the till, these are the best days) and she sits on the inside so she isn’t in the walkway. Sometimes I do a down stay just to mix things up ;) I always hope that these westie mixes aren’t in at the same time because they are loud and distracting, but we’ve seen them a few times and they will go nuts. Sometimes they are quiet until we turn to leave, but there is always a reaction from them. In this case most dirty looks go to this woman, but a couple of times I have had the look despite Hana being quiet and controlled, but looking at the noise makers.

This brings us to today. There is a lady who walks a lovely 1 year old husky. She has come into our Café before and her dog was beautifully behaved. My coworker also has a husky so they talked for a little while and I joined in every now and then. During the conversation this lady brought up that her husky had been bitten on the cheek by a malamute while chatting with its owners. Both dogs on lead, and the malamute owners assured her that their dog was fine with other dogs. However, he still got bitten. I have since seen this woman from a distance a few times on walks, she has never recognised or acknowledged me but she has no reason to because we are always so far away, and I only recognised her from the dog. One of these times she and another owner took up the entire pathway to the only entrance to a walk (which is several meters wide) while their dogs greeted each other and played on lead. I kept back and sat Hana to the side working on her focus, waiting for them to move. They did after 5 minutes and although a bit peeved it didn’t affect our walk.

Today she was leaving from that entrance, again I must mention that this walkway is SEVERAL meters wide, so I took Hana to the very edge and sat her down to work on focus, on the inside so that I was blocking her from the dog. This is when she calls over “your dog has gone for mine before hasn’t it?”. Now Hana has NEVER met this dog, only seen him from afar, and never once has she reacted to it except having a little look at him. This stunned me and all I could answer was “uhhh, well she’s not friendly”. What I should have said is “no they’ve never met but mine isn’t friendly which is why we’re giving you some distance”. She then said that she will move into a shop so we can pass, again I should have said thank you and moved on, but I said that it was fine for her to pass as she is (she was right on the other side) because my dog is fine and it’s quicker for her just to walk by. She then asked if Hana lunged at other dogs, to which I replied, sometimes, if the dog enters her space. She then went into the story about how a malamute attacked her dog when the other owners said that it was fine and that she feels uncomfortable with other malamutes and similar dogs that may lunge as she doesn’t trust that they will actually be okay. I of course already know this story, and know that the dog that bit her dog was in close proximity as they were having a conversation and were stood close to each other. I told her I understood but Hana has pretty good focus on me around other dogs and that she’s unlikely to lunge (side note: if Hana DID lunge she would not be at all close to her dog). She again said that she was uncomfortable and that she’s not personally attacking me but it’s just how she feels. Again, understood, all cool. She then decided to make a “little suggestion” about getting a walking belt like hers that attaches to her lead, so that if my dog were to lunge there is no way that I could drop the lead by accident. I thanked her and said I’ve looked at them before so will maybe look into it again. I then pointed out my muzzle and said that she usually wears this, but at this time of day we rarely pass any dogs on the street and the walk we are entering is all dogs on lead, so it was clipped to my jeans rather than her wearing it. She gave me a real funny look at this, not happy with my answer. At this point I offer to leave the walkway and walk Hana away so she can leave without feeling uncomfortable which she took. And that was the end of it. But what I can’t convey through this rant is the condescending tone this woman had while talking to me, and the disbelieving look she gave me the whole time. OH and did I mention that Hana was in a sit stay the whole time, taking treats from me and watching her dog calmly???

It just irritates me that people seem to look past Hana’s great behaviour, and instead see a 5’2 girl walking a massive fucking dog with a muzzle and sometimes warning signs, and take this to mean that she isn’t trained or is automatically a danger to everyone around her. Or that the noise must always come from her since she is the dog in a muzzle and is obviously the perpetrator  The muzzle is there to protect other dogs if they happen to enter her space, and the signs on her harness are to warn people that she needs a little bit of space. She is not a bad dog.

Now I know myself that Hana isn’t perfect. This isn’t a post to gloat about how well behaved my dog is despite her issues and everyone else is wrong. Some walks we struggle with behaviour, some walks are stressful because off lead dogs are harassing her and she’s too over the threshold to pull a focus from her. But you know what I do on those days? I avoid places with too many dogs and people, I skip my coffee, I take the longer route around to make sure she is stress free and her walking is good.

And I’ve also met so many people who have been so brilliant with their own dogs, and understanding of Hanas need for space. Lots of people call their dogs away at the sight of us, and will allow us to pass. We have received compliments from lots of people at how calm Hana is and about how beautiful she is. We have people ask us about the muzzle just out of curiosity, and ask if it’s okay to greet her. I’ve had conversations with other dog owners while Hana is calm and happy just being at a comfortable distance from them. So many people make my day better from their compliments and understanding, yet somehow the negative moments stick with me more.

RANT OVER OH MY LORD

I still have so many stories about off lead dogs but I will not go into that because that will just be another 1,000 words. AHGHJGJGFKDHB

[jukeboxgraduate]

Barcelona, Travel Post

Everyone was so generous to me with their Barcelona intel that I wanted to write down all of mine so that I could return the favor.

Airport transport: being someone from New York, my first thought when arriving in a new city is "Can I get into the city center via public transportation?" The answer is yes, but a QUALIFIED yes. You have to take a shuttle bus to the domestic terminal, which is 10 minutes away, and then it is a long, long walk to the station. It did drop me two blocks from my hotel and cost me less than 1 euro but the airport bus was 6 euro, stopped right outside the terminal, and was three blocks from my hotel. 

I did not take the train back, but the morning airport bus was a soul-crushing, sardine-packed-anti-tourist experience that I would not recommend to anybody.

IMPORTANT NOTE: There is no ATM in the airport. Do yourself a favor and go to AmEx or an international bank so you have like 25 Euro when you arrive.

Lodging: I didn't do an Airbnb because I was traveling solo and Airbnb is great if everything goes well but if it doesn't you are FUCKED. For example: When I went to Scandinavia and missed my connection so my bags didn’t arrive until the next day, I could t just have them dropped at the hotel whenever, I had to waste a whole day waiting for them. When the plane was late I had to rely on the host to be flexible. There were too many things that could have gone wrong.

I chose a location with proximity to the metro going to the festival and the location of the shuttle bus. I have burned out with locations that are "a short walk" because short walks become lengthy on a day-in, day-out basis. It was worth it to me to pay a premium to be central so I could go back to the hotel whenever I wanted.

Honestly, I would have really liked a nice apartment in Eixample where I could have foisted my bad Spanish on the local cafe daily. Next time.

Sights: 99% of what I like to do in a city is walk around and Barcelona is absolutely a city made to walk around and every block is gorgeous. I would walk and get lost and then pull out my phone and figure out where to go next. 

[I DO NOT WANT TO HEAR about using my phone. I fucking backpacked through Southeast Asia before there was an internet. I have earned the right to use a goddamn smartphone in Europe. The phone meant I could LOOK at the amazing architecture and not have to be looking at a map all the time, and it makes you less of a target for thieves. (More on this later.)]

El Born/Barrio Gotic: Seriously the best thing you could possibly do here is pick a random street and walk. The most famous streets are clogged with people and I moved away from them as quickly as I could. I stopped by the Cathedral but didn’t get in because it was tourist hell. On the other hand, I stumbled into Stella Maris on Sunday afternoon during Mass and I said I wanted to light a candle for Santa Barbara (which I actually did, I do this for my mom) and it was lovely. But mostly I just walked around and got lost.

My favorite thing in El Born was the Mercat del Born Cultural Center. This is the former location of the old neighborhood market that was going to be torn down and turned into a FNAC and then was going to be a library when they discovered hella ancient ruins underneath. Now you can walk around these ancient ruins. I went back a second time, it was so amazing. There is also a restaurant featuring local foods and a shop with locally made goods and public bathrooms.

By Sunday I had promised myself that I would “go sit in a park or something” and although it had poured rain in the morning/early afternoon (when I was writing in a cafe) I took my computer back to the hotel and started walking through El Born to get away from tourists. I ended up at the Arc de Triomf and the park leftover from the 1888 World’s Fair. And although there was a dude under the Arc singing “Easy Like Sunday Morning” it was mostly locals walking around and it was totally chill until a drum circle popped up (to be fair, it was not a bunch of Burning Man leftovers drumming, but, like, actual immigrants/residents from the African Continent). It is a great park. I recommend it.

Sagrada Familia: You have to go. I went in 2000 when I was there and as my tour guide said, “You haven’t been.” It was not even close to the same building. As a coworker said, “How often do you get to visit a 100-year construction project in progress?” I highly recommend plumping for the guided tour and not just the headsets. My guide was awesome and I learned a lot and you can stay and hang out as long as you want to. I did not pay to go up to the Towers because I AM A GIANT CHICKEN ABOUT HEIGHTS, but that was actually fine because they were closed that day. I think I was there for 3 and a half hours. 

Casa Batllo: This is worse from a tourist hell perspective than Sagrada Familia because it’s small. I did the 8:45am “sunrise tour” (hahaha Barcelona you are so cute) and I would advise the 8:30 instead so you have the place to yourself for half an hour before people start walking through with iPads. My advice with Casa Batllo is to spend as much time as you can in the front room, because the rest of it is not nearly as inspiring, and then head to the roof. Ignore advice telling you to go to the roof first and then wind your way down. Keep in mind that you cannot see the entire building because people still live there. So you can’t spend 3 hours like I thought I was going to.

La Pedrera/Casa Mila: I bought a ticket thinking I’d go in the morning and then I didn’t, so I had to go to the nighttime tour and beg to be allowed to pay the difference. The nighttime tour isn’t a tour. It’s a lecture in the courtyard, a climb SEVEN FLOORS UP to the attic with another lecture, and then an audiovisual show on the roof. *bzzt* I was Gaudi-drunk at the time I bought the ticket and honestly I should have just given it a pass. I got more out of doing a Lonely Planet guidebook walking tour than I did out of this experience.

Fundacion Joan Miro: This is lovely and comprehensive, and well-curated. I hate his depiction of women, however, and by the end was done. The gift shop has many cute items as well as jewelry from local Barcelona merchants. The Fundacion is up on Montjuic, which you can get to by bus, cablecar (teleferic) or funicular. The funicular is part of the Metro system so you can transfer to it without paying extra. (Given the GIANT CHICKEN ABOUT HEIGHTS note above you know I did not take the cablecar.) I did not walk around Montjuic because that is also the location of the Palau San Jordi, and I spent a whole lot of fucking time there in 2000 when I came to see Pearl Jam. It is a lovely green space though and I would advocate trading it for the other park noted above, if you find yourself looking for a green space.)

I did this instead of the Picasso Museum because his most important works are not in the museum and I’ve been to (and LOVE) the Musee Picasso in Paris twice, and I have to get to Madrid so I can see Guernica in person anyway. 

Things I deliberately did not do: La Boqueria (cutting through it was nightmare enough), any lengthy walk down Las Ramblas, extended beach time

I also saw the traveling version of the V&A Bowie exhibit, which just happened to be in town, and also let’s remember three nights of Primavera Sound that I had to file from, which kept me up late and sleeping in at the end of it.

FOOD IN BARCELONA:

At this point it will be a separate post.

IMPORTANT PROTIPS:

METRO: The Metro is awesome, convenient, clean. I bought the T-10 card, which gives you 10 trips for 9.95 Euro. That includes the RENFE train from the airport BUT NOT THE Metro (I don’t get it either). The T-10 is good on Metro, buses, trams and the funicular to Montjuic.

OVERSEAS SIM CARDS: It’s getting easier to buy a SIM when you arrive somewhere but I opted for an option called KnowRoaming, which is a sticker you put on your US SIM, and it switches over automatically. WhatsApp is free, calls are cheap, you get an alternate number so you can text, and they have unlimited data plans, which in BCN was $6.99 a day. I bought data for the first day to see how much I used. I bought a 7-day data plan. It was FANTASTIC to be able to use my phone the way I normally use my phone, especially when needing to find friends or discover that Arcade Fire is playing a pop-up show. Also? The map was freedom. I could go ANYWHERE. Maybe when you’re a dude you don’t worry about finding your way out. 

PICKPOCKETING/THEFT/CRIME IS A REAL THING. I read the stories and I was almost sure they were fake, except 1) a Spanish friend who lives in Barcelona met me for lunch and told me how she was clutching her purse in the Metro and when crossing Las Ramblas and 2) a smart woman who was on my food tour had her purse snatched when in La Boqueria. She grabbed it back and kicked the kid in the face, and then bought another purse to replace the leather purse WITH A VERY STURDY STRAP that got yanked off her arm.

EVERYTHING IS CLOSED ON MONDAY except the Museum of Contemporary Art, which I went to partly because I was over there collecting my festival credentials next door, partly so I could get in some air conditioning and use a bathroom but also because this stuff is my jam, and there were some great exhibits. THEY ARE OPEN ON MONDAY. Go watch the skateboarders on the plaza outside if nothing else.

ALL THE RESTAURANTS ARE CLOSED SUNDAY NIGHT so plan in advance. I was literally [] this close to going to McDonald’s because every.thing.was.closed. Ask your hotel. Plan it in advance. Book at the place I ended up (which was fantastic).

Advance tickets: I booked tickets to Sagrada Familia and Casa Batllo one week in advance. I felt kinda touristy until I turned up at the queue for Sagrada Familia, and the women behind me who had no tickets were told “No, we are totally sold out for the day” at 11:45am. All of the sights will scan your barcode on your phone and most hotels will let you print so I would suggest booking the things you can be sure about and then doing the rest on a case by case basis. THAT SAID, I booked a ticket to La Pedrera that I ended up not getting to use/having to pay up just to get in because I was too ambitious. So, book but be smart.

[sincerelysashaa]

6/14/20

LAWD. I somehow managed to already not stay on track with blogging every night. So consider this my entire weekend’s story bunched up in one. Another weekend in the books of single parenting. Another weekend of countless questions from my kids about why daddy isn’t spending weekends with them and why he goes out of town every weekend. I guess tonight’s post will elaborate more that..

Back in February (I think), Chris had another woman in my house. Let me preface this conversation with this- Chris assumed that I was cheating on him. Not sure if it was a guilty conscious or him seeing me finally losing weight and being happy, but he felt the need to pull my call records. Instead of reasonably asking for names and reasons why I was speaking to someone at 1am for literally less than 5 minutes, he came to his own conclusion that if a man answered when he called that number, that I was 100% sleeping with this person. The truth of the short calls were to get shirt sizes ASAP for an order I had to finish that night for a fight coming up at our boxing gym. It just so happened that this guy worked overnight and slept during the days so he called when he was free at work to finish his order, talk about the event and that was all. Anyway, Chris called him and asked if he was involved with me. The guy (being the meatheaded asshole that he is) must of thought it would be funny to tell Chris “I know she’s married and if anyone was pressing up on anyone, it was her coming onto me”. To this day I still don't know if Chris made this up because when I confronted the guy and asked why he would say that to my husband, he said he would never say something like that. Weird..right? So fast-forward to a few weeks after that. I go out of town with my 2 daughters and my son stays home. Kind of a boy’s weekend/girl’s weekend. When I came home, my bedroom was SPOTLESS. I mean SO clean while the rest of my house was messy. Automatically knew someone was in my house but Chris denied it, called me psycho and crazy and said I’m saying that because I’m ‘guilty’ of messing with someone at my gym. Long story short, I found out a girl was here, she text me all of the screenshots showing where Chris said he was divorced, and ready to have something serious and be ‘completely honest’ with someone. DAMN SHAME. We had a lot of talks after that. Silly me, once again forgave him. Now let’s have a moment of honesty.. Chris has broken me emotionally, many times. I cannot lie and say I was the perfect wife after this. I started texting another man. I am not proud of it. He gave me attention, checked up on me daily, sent inspirational quotes, bible verses and all kinds of things to help me get through the hard days of my life. I have no excuses for entertaining these conversations, but I did it. Maybe I craved that attention or that feeling that someone gave a shit about me, so I continued the texting and a few phone calls here and there. Did I love the guy? 100% as a human being, I did. Was he someone I’d pursue a relationship with or get involved physically with? Absolutely not. But Chris set up a recorder in my house and listened to an entire evening of my conversations with everyone from my sister, to brother, to best friend, to this guy. He heard me say I love him. Accused me of having a ‘sexy voice’ on. Guys.. I cannot express how angry I was when he told me he put a recorder in my house! When he played it back for me, I was LIVID. I told him I know exactly what I said on those calls. That I do not care what he has to say about any of it. I handled that situation poorly. Not just because I was mad, but because I was embarrassed. Well Chris took that incident and ran with it. This exact incident is what he uses against me and as his excuse for every poor choice he has made since February. Including seeing his “girlfriend” that he now he has.

This brings us to current day and the reason I've been single parenting and fielding questions from my children about daddy not being here to spend time with our family. Chris has a girlfriend in Miami. For all I know, he’s had her for a long time but claims I’m the one “in love with someone else” and that is why he is with her. Makes total sense right? (insert eye roll). He claims I broke his heart. Yeah, okay. Apparently my heart is made of steel because nothing he’s done over these last 10 years would've broken mine, huh? I’ve looked this girl up. Good ol’ Amanda Jarrett. That name will forever be in my brain as scum, trash, shit, any other synonym for DISGUSTING HUMAN BEING. I’ve looked her up of course. Her ex-husband, in prison. 3 kids, multiple fathers. Evictions every year since 2017. Committed a 3rd degree felony. Cannot get a real job (obviously) so she “cooks” meal prep foods in her house and sells it. It’s quite pathetic actually. Chris spends every single weekend with her. 5 hour drive down on a Friday morning, doesn’t come back until Sunday night. In that time he makes sure to treat her like a queen. Something he NEVER did with me and let me tell you how fucking ANGRY and hurt that makes me. Sacrificing my entire life, carrying his 3 children, taking care of my home and children while working full-time, being the main bread winner for YEARS. NONE OF THAT WAS ENOUGH. I have to watch him spoil this sorry excuse of a woman and I could not even get a 99cent card for Mother’s Day this year. What hurts me the most though is seeing how much this hurts my kids. They are such emotional little humans who really FEEL their feelings. Brianna seems to just want to keep to herself and not be bothered. She’s always sad and quiet. Jordan has been acting out, talking back, not being his old, sweet self. He also cries a lot and asks why daddy can’t spend time with him any more. Ava has been attached to my hip 24/7. She refuses to leave my side. She’s actually sitting on my lap in my bed as I’m typing this. I just hate that Chris can’t grow up and see how badly his choices will affect them. I cannot say anything to him though because he automatically gets defensive and it ALWAYS turns into an argument. Queue the tears- because they’re flowing as I type this. My heart is tired.

Our weekends are now super busy. Purposely. I cannot keep my mind calm while sitting around and this has been a huge struggle for me. So while I’m planning our weekends so the kids can have fun, I’m planning them for my own sanity as well. Last weekend we took a trip to the Saint Augustine Aquarium and fed sharks and sting rays. This weekend, we went to lunch with my best friend Becca and had a coloring/painting night at our house. We also watched 2 movies and read books. Today, Sunday, the kids and I had a nice dinner at Texas Roadhouse. It’s the small things.

This post wasn’t supposed to be so reflective on the past but I guess the back story was needed to see where I’m at today. It was a rough weekend. They usually always are. I do not get a break and it’s become so overwhelming. I found myself just wishing the day would hurry and be over so I could come lay in bed and close out the world. I never have luck with falling asleep though so I've been reading some fiction to keep my mind occupied. I’m actually in middle of a hilarious book called Big Gray. I’m rushing through this post just so I can get back to reading it (lol). So I guess this is all for now.. 

Reminding myself - one day at a time.

Sincerely, Sasha

[chicago-images]

Policy change: Watermarks are fine

The Brutal Regime / Joseph Dunphy posted a new topic:

Some of you were right, and I was wrong. For years, I've had a policy of not allowing photos with obtrusive watermarks into the pool, because the watermarks look terrible - and they do. They do look terrible, BUT until very recently, I did not appreciate how much of a problem pirating really was. Especially on Twitter. Somebody might ask how I could not know that, when I and this group have been on Twitter for years - for so many years that a reference to Twitter is written right into the rules for the group - but until relatively recently, I wasn't actively engaged on Twitter. The feeds for my groups would go through Feedburner, Dlvr.it and IFTTT, causing thumbnails for photos in the pool to automatically appear over on the update twitter for this group. I'd sometimes go over to respond to queries about tweets and get people in touch with each other when interest was expressed in a photo, basically acting as an agent who wasn't collecting a commission, but I would hardly ever be logged into Twitter. Until very recently, and wow, was that eye opening. I had no idea that there were that many Nazis alive, much less present on one website and had I known, I most certainly wouldn't have been using that website, especially after finding out that the staff seems to be pro-Nazi. If any of you got hate comments on your photos, I'm sorry about that, I just never imagined that something like this could even happen. Until I went into my own personal account, and started noticing the death threats I was getting from people who had an issue with the fact of my Jewishness and Support's habit of locking my account while leaving the Nazis free to go on posting. Is this really 2019? It feels more like 1939. Among the other scummy things taking place on Twitter, I noticed something very bad about the accounts of a lot of the "photographers" posting to that site. On doing a random selection of photos supposedly taken by the holders of the accounts to which they were posted, in a clear majority of the cases, a reverse image search would reveal that the "photographer" was engaging in plagiarism, claiming credit for a photo which he or she had not taken. I was able to prove this to Twitter, providing links to the original photos (most of which were on Flickr) and Twitter responded by doing nothing. I mean, absolutely nothing. They didn't even respond. They didn't care. They were completely OK with the idea of their site being used to pirate content. So that raises the question - what do we do, now? What I'd like to do is turn off Twitter notification for all of my groups, permanently, but I can't. As some of you might know, my father lost our family home a few years ago, being unable to afford the rising taxes that were seen after the yuppies "discovered" the town he was living in, moved in, and got the local government to go on a spending spree. A lot of my possessions, including a stack of papers with my passwords on it, got shoved into storage with all of the other possessions we were able to save on short notice, and I haven't seen them since. At present, I am locked out of the accounts I have online, including the Twitter, IFTTT and Dlvr.it accounts for this group. I'm perfectly willing to acknowledge that my idea in this case was a bad one and turn off those notices, but without those passwords, I physically can't do it at the moment, and I don't know that I'll ever get the passwords back. The movers turned out to be a little dodgy and some of our stuff might be gone. Again, the move had to be done on short notice. The best I can do at the moment is to pass along a warning, and offer a few options: 1. Really, aggressively watermark your photos. Doesn't look good, but people can imagine what the un-watermarked work would look like. Basically, you're self-promoting without saying that you're doing it. Those who wish they could see your photos without the watermarks can come see one of your shows in the real world. This represents a diminished experience for the cheeto-munching online viewer who never steps outside his door, but who cares? Look at how content creators have been treated online. Certainly not with any kind of gratitude, not even with a modicum of decency. 2. Remove your pending photos from the queue. I'll hold off on approving photos for a few weeks, to give you some chance to do this. I'm not happy about the idea of recommending this option and I'm not pushing it. If you've submitted a good photo and you still want it approved (and probably tweeted), I'll be happy to approve it. But when I set up that twitter, I wanted to bring you guys more traffic and give your work more attention, not get it pirated. I was trying to help you, not "love" you over, and just didn't know what a pack of lowlifes I had put you in contact with. 3. We could start a new companion group without Twitter update notification, and just start using that. 4. We could say "this group has been around for a decade, we had a good run, and now it's time to close up shop and turn this group into an archive." Who was it that said "your first thousand photos are always your worst"? We all know about the new plan to throw out all but 1000 photos from each free account, which comes to us thanks to the buyout by Smugmug. Trying to grow as a photographer on the new Twitter is going to be like trying to grow as a writer by doing business with a vanity press. The "fellow creators" you'll find yourself getting into touch with won't be a good influence. Also, let's be honest. While there's been a lot of great work on Flickr, there has been a lot more terrible work for a long time, and the great work seen happened in spite of the increasingly drama-loving community, not because of it. Sometimes, the wisest decision one can make is to not be afraid to admit that something has become unwinnable, and to give up. Even before the Smugmug takeover, I had a commercial spammer drop by and post an advertisement for his adult party planning service. After I reported the advertisement as spam, I got a stern warning from an anonymous employee of Flickr, telling me that if I spammed again, I'd lose my account. I sent a message back reminding the staff that I had been the mod reporting the spam, not the person posting it, got stonewalled and then, when I went to the Help forum to try to find out what to do next, discovered that my ability to post to the Help forum had been disabled, apparently either by the incompetent employee who decided to cover his own backside or (more likely) by one of his friends at work. There's this continuing pattern of sleaze, of people winking and laughing at the very suggestion that they might be expected to deal at least somewhat honorably with others, and it is a reflection of a deep cultural dysfunctionality which I can't fix, and which seems to be growing deeper, not going away. Sometimes, it's time to give up and retreat. There's that temptation to stay and try to win the good fight, but when sleaze turns into the norm, how does one win? Also, what would we be trying to win? In the end, wouldn't we be left fighting for the freedom to entertain an audience that has shown itself to be pleased with the idea of treating us like dirt? When you go out and say something about piracy or arbitrary censorship, how much backup do you ever see from the people around you? Do you want your work seen, and maybe even purchased? Living on $15/day, as I currently do, I'm not sure that my business advice will be (or even should be) taken seriously, but I can think of one possibility: coffeehouses. There are still a lot of independents in Chicago, their walls are usually bare, and they tend to like the idea of using those walls as gallery space. Gives them the chance to squeeze out a little extra revenue. Maybe that's something to explore - sharing your photography in the real world.

from Chicago Photography https://ift.tt/2Nu9YI8 via IFTTT

[mstimberlina]

So long little bank...

Tomorrow the little HSBC bank in town is shutting its doors. This aggravates me. It’s controversial enough that I give my money to one of the giants and I should have seen this coming. I should have seen this coming when they ripped out the old wooden interior with its two cashier oak frame and panels side on to the front door, which they did a couple of years ago. Fair dos back then there was no cash machine inside, which was fine because you could use one of the others up the road.

I loved the bank for its small town charm, it had the perfect proportions for the size of the place. It was almost like a play town bank, a nod to yesteryear, all face to face cashiers who knew you, proper personal banking and this consoled me as the ever impersonal and dehumanisation of services rapidly streamed into every chore of our daily lives.

Don’t get me wrong- I love a system me. I can geek out on technology, I’m having a renaissance with cars, I’m obsessed with Tesla, the ridiculous automatic breaking system that VW use in their cruise control. I’ve even watched the Grand Tour and it’s shite.

The Grand Tour is in fact symptomatic of the culture we’ve come to just sit back and expect because well, that’s business. The grand Tour should be renamed 3 Old Blokes Trying to do Panto and Maybe a Car. I was furious.

It stole two hours of my life that I’ll never get back. 2 hours watching three grown men painfully embarrass themselves while they attempted to provide insight into maybe 5 cars- none of which had any correlation to everyday factors, although yes I do concede the hybrid super cars in episode 1 were pretty rad. Beyond that, the Grand Tour is an embarrassment, travelling the world as an ambassador for the UK- a bit like Boris Johnson.

No wonder it’s still plastered on the side of buses. Apparently it cost in the region of £4.5 million an episode. Call me a raging old hippy but I think there’s something morally bankrupt about investing that kind of money on a pot-belly bloke we know to have antisocial tendencies.

I used to relish popping down the bank. Then came the excitement about the revamp. People in the queue would talk about what this new improved interior would look like, what enlightenment it would bring, how it could improve on the existing plan and most importantly what they were going to do with the exceptional oak interior. We were never told what happened to the wood.

I wonder if anyone recalls the days when your parents would drop into their local bank and visit the bank manager who they would have been on first name terms with? They may even come round for dinner.

And so, a couple of years ago, HSBC invested a few thousand tarting up the joint. It still had toy town charm, but it had the whiff of unsustainable materials and heavy plastics in the newfangled hardware.

When you walk through Heathrow Terminal 5, adverts tell you that HSBC is a force for good; that its investments in China have helped pay for local educations centres and helped kids or something. There’s even a soothing soundscape as you go up an escalator that captures the local Chinese culture of a valley that I think for some reason has been dammed- probably to do with Hydro-electricity. Clean energy… Sort of, once to factor the destruction of local habitats and inhabitants.

The HSBC I go to in London always has a line at the two remaining cashiers. One will invariably be shut or have someone counting money behind the window in full view of the busy line of people trying to get on with their day. The other is probably shut.

There will be people sitting in the waiting area with looks of extreme frustration. And then there is the all pervasive usher with the clipboard who will attempt to deflect you away from human contact and invite you to use any one of their annoying automated services to deposit money, check your statements, withdraw cash and all that. You can’t deposit coins in the machine by the way, nor do the devices stamp your paying in book to make life simpler in the long run.

The local small town branch is different, it’s personable. It has machines but no clipboard person and the cashiers are right there. Well, as of the end of tomorrow I won’t be able to pay into my bank on the High Street because it won’t be there any more. The excuse is that more and more people are choosing to do their business online and besides, you can use the already under-resourced Post Office that could close any time to make a deposit. In fact there are so many things you can do without actually having to go to the bank now! But if you do need to go to an actual HSBC bank you’ll have to travel 10 miles to the next town, where the trains and buses go to every hour. And there’s dragons.

I am indignant and feel helpless. I thought about running a petition, not least on behalf of the ageing population here who depend on the personal service at their local bank. This would no doubt be pointless although I will be forced to live with it.

I am indignant that my bank invested my money on a pointless revamp that killed any charm the place had but made it feel like the year 2000. We were lucky the place is so small there was no room for an insipid young trainee with a clipboard directing me to an appropriate machine. I am incensed that my admin quota is now increased as I will have to plan my teller transactions.

All this has nothing to do with advancing technologies or getting with the programme, living in the past, or fearing change. It has to do with local politesse and customer service- customers whom I might add provide the money for their clandestine investments. And don’t get me started on the bank charges. It has to do with a corporate culture that infringes itself on civilisation and dictates what it thinks is best to dehumanise our lives and make money when really, all of of its employees go home and need a hug.

HSBC- it’s all very well telling us how great you are in local regions of China- assuming it’s not a smokescreen for something more sinister- but what happened to think global act local? What happened to all this freedom of choice that new-liberal capitalism always chunters on about? Or are we post-choice now? Am I just out of touch? With people? I don’t think so. You’re just cutting corners and will I reap the benefits? Will I heck.