#I don’t hate Natalie I just wish she’d fight for what she believes in or commit to the bit

[ewfiewfijewfoiejwijofjiowewl]

I’m not a fan of Natalie so far this season

This post will contain SPOILERS! 

Some of you are gonna hate me for this, so obligatory this is just my unsolicited opinion, my opinion could change as the series goes on, and I have no problem with people who love Natalie with all their heart and soul. 

This is going to be a bit long I think…

I’ve talked a little about Natalie’s characterization this season, but not really in depth and I need to get this off my chest so I hopefully won’t think about it constantly for the next month. 

Anyway, Natalie is making me want to bash my head against at the moment, and it really sucks because I was ready to love her. I loved her aesthetic, her overall vibe, the aura of tragedy that surrounded her before they even got stranded in the wilderness, how kind she was despite her tough exterior. Even though I was annoyed that her narrative completely revolved around Travis, I still loved that she pulled a gun on her dad to defend herself and her mom, and if the safety hadn’t been on he would have been dead before he got the chance to accidentally kill himself like the buffoon he was. I loved that she was one of the few characters that called Lottie out on her shit (regardless of whether the supernatural is real on this show or not, she didn’t believe it and she wasn’t afraid to say so). 

The adult timeline isn’t my favorite, and again I didn’t like that Natalie’s storyline completely revolved around Travis, but I liked her dynamic with Misty and Lottie. When they all watched Javi die I really felt for Natalie (and all of them, really). I understand that she was put in an impossible situation where she was forced to choose between her life and Javi’s. Self-preservation is a powerful instinct, and regardless of how good a person is, very few people would put the life of someone they hardly know over their own life. And even then, she did initially try to save Javi. Misty literally had to drag her away from him and spell it out for her that this was her chance to save herself. 

And now we have season 3. Natalie clearly doesn’t believe that Coach Ben burned down the cabin and is distraught when he’s found guilty, when they’re about to kill him, etc. I don’t feel bad for her though because she could have stopped this shit at any time. All she had to do was get her hands on the gun and say hey guess what guys, Coach Ben’s not guilty, and if you disagree you can eat lead. At the very least she could have tried to sneak him out when no one was paying attention, before they cut his Achilles’ tendon. She has no real power because she refuses to take it, even for those she supposedly cares about. Shauna can see that and is running circles around her. 

At the end of the day if the show is going for the angle that she feels bad for him but Coach Ben’s life isn’t worth the risk, then fine, I love a morally ambiguous queen. But own that shit! Don’t pretend that she had no choice or that she had no power to change the situation, because she did. And the self righteousness, holy shit. I actually rolled me eyes when she told Shauna she didn’t have to enjoy it so much. Natalie doesn’t get brownie points from me because she felt bad about it and cried. If she cared enough, she would have done more. She was more than willing to fight Lottie over a knife when Travis’s life was on the line.

[100storiesin2020]

Chapter 9: Fallout of nightmares

Chapter titles are hard to come up with sometimes. Come read on AO3!

**********

Ronan hated the feeling of being frozen. He hated laying there in fear, watching the night horror moving for his throat. He struggled to fight, to defend himself, to not be helpless - but it was in vain. This may be the end for him, today. One bad dream where the old guilt resurfaced, bringing the night horrors in waves. Here, off the leyline, more drunk than he really ought to be, it was harder to control what he brought back with him.

The night horror dragged a claw down his face.

Suddenly, Sargent sprang to life beside him. He'd forgotten she was there. He'd griped about having her in the bed with him but in that moment he could have kissed her, girl or not. She kicked with both feet, knocking the thing off the bed. With a cry she jumped after it and drove a knife into its chest, kicking it in the gut for good measure. It collapsed. She approached it, raising the knife one more time, The door opened to reveal the two shady boys. Ronan didn't trust a single person from this whole fucking team, but these two were the worst. Sargent drove her knife into the eye of the beast, but Ronan couldn't relax with the midget's eyes on him.

He knew this could end in only a few ways, and he wasn't happy about any of them.

**********

Renee was just about to go back to sleep when her phone started to ring. She'd been awake for several hours in the night, bad memories stealing away her precious sleep, but she'd been listening to Allison breathing beside her and it had brought some calm back to her soul. Of course she would be getting a phone call now, and from Andrew no less. She gently reached past Allison and hit the silence button before her Andrew-specific heavy metal ringtone could wake her up. "Hello, Andrew. It's early."

"I need to talk to Natalie."

Shit. Renee eased out of the bed and went into the kitchen. "What happened."

"Where in Columbia would you hide a body?"

Natalie hummed. "Lake Murray, probably. It's got 500 miles of coastline so there's bound to be a few nooks and crannies that could work."

Andrew hummed. "How do we get blood out of the carpet?"

"Andrew, did you kill someone?"

"Nicky had it coming," he deadpanned. "Actually, Sargent here produced the body."

"Who was it?"

"You'll have to ask her yourself. How do we get blood out of the carpet?"

Renee sighed. "Okay, he'es where you start..."

**********

Blue tried to wipe up the blood as best as she could while Andrew talked on the phone. He seemed to be doing a lot of listening. She wasn't sure who this Natalie was, but hopefully she'd be able to help them out. And keep her mouth shut.

Neil had, surprisingly, been fairly useless. "What do you mean, you don't know how to dispose of a body? Wasn't your father a serial killer?"

"That was Lola's job - his favorite," he explained. "I was too young to help out with cleanup before we were on the run. Plus, I think she preferred acid. Where would we even buy that?"

Ronan wasn't helpful either. "Either I bury them in the field or I make Declan deal with it," he snarled. "I never fucking leave home, maggot. How should I have expected this?"

Andrew stomped back at that moment, having hung up the phone without a word. "You two have a lot of explaining to do. But first, we're taking this thing to Lake Murray."

Neil nodded. "And the others?"

Blue shuddered before Ronan spat, "Nobody else gets to know. It's bad enough with you two." Blue nodded in fierce agreement.

She watched as Andrew and Neil looked at each other for a minute, silently conversing, before Andrew sighed. "Nicky can drive the others home."

"I'll tell him Ronan barfed in his room and that we will clean it up before coming home." When Ronan spluttered, he added, "It's the only way I can think of to keep him out of the room long enough. Got a better idea?"

"We could throw him in the lake, too," Ronan muttered, drawing a laugh from Neil and a minute twitch of the lips from Andrew.

"Tempting," was all Andrew said before he turned and left the room. Blue noticed that Neil was watching him go.

Neil produced a long knife and started grinning in a very unsettling way. "This thing will be easier to move in smaller pieces," he said. "You two go clean up." Blue and Ronan left him there, knife spinning, a serial-killer grin splitting his face.

They headed to the bathroom. Blue shoved Ronan in first, then locked the door behind them. "Why the absolute fuck did you invite yourself?" she demanded. "I had this in hand. All I had to do was answer a few questions and not be suspicious and now here we are, night horror dead in the other room and suspicious as fuck."

Ronan glared at her. "I don't fucking trust them," he growled. "Matt told me some things about what they've done in Columbia. They drug people. Matt was an addict. They sent him into relapse and you were stupid enough to go with them? By yourself?"

Blue softened. "I don't trust them, but I didn't know those things. Thanks for looking out for me." She gave him a quick hug.

"Get off me maggot." He pushed her away. "Go get me some clothes, now I have to wash your foul stench off of me." She laughed and ducked out of the room in search of their stuff.

**********

Ronan finally started to relax as they drove to this Lake Murray place. They were following the GPS on the phone he'd dreamed up for Blue on her last birthday, as none of them had actually been there before. He always felt powerful behind the wheel of a car. The speed, the control, the impending danger: they were soothing.

He looked over at Sargent, curled up in the front seat next to him. She was shaking. He groaned a bit; she had seen worse than this. He turned on his music and "SQUASH ONE, SQUASH TWO" started to ring through the car. She groaned and reached for the power button just as they both heard a "the fuck is this?" from the backseat. Ronan batted away her hand with a grin and turned the song up even louder. He knew it was only a matter of time before he had to spill his secrets, so he may as well start getting his revenge proactively.

**********

Blue hated this.

They were standing in the sand at the edge of the lake, crowds swirling around them. The lake was a popular place on Saturday in late June, which meant that they looked like just another group of college students with their backpacks. Never mind that their backpacks contained pieces of night horror.

Neil stared out toward the center of the lake, eyes almost unseeing, breathing hard. He pulled out a pack of cigarettes and tried to light one, but his hands were shaking too hard. Andrew reached out and put a hand on the back of his neck, pulling him down slightly. "You are Neil Josten," he said softly. "You are a Fox. She is dead."

"I am a Fox," Neil replied, leaning into Andrew. Blue looked away, terribly lonely for Gansey in that moment. It was too much. She was already falling apart, already on edge from killing a living creature - even a night horror - and the fear and adrenaline of possibly losing one of her Raven boys again, and then, seeing Andrew and Neil together in that moment, she wished she had Gansey beside her.

Ronan elbowed her. "No time for tears, maggot. We've got a body to dump." Blue wiped her eyes as best as she could and took a few deep breaths. It would have to do. Once all of them were composed, they started to walk down the beach. Soon enough they came on a dock with a boat rental booth. After talking to the owner, they learned that they could, in fact, rent a speedboat for a few hours, but they needed to be at least 23 to do it.

"That's alright," Ronan said, slapping an ID down on the counter. "As you can see here, I am 25." The cashier raised an eyebrow and clearly didn't believe it, but shrugged and pulled out the paperwork. Soon they were throwing their bags into a slightly beat up speedboat.

"So why do you have a fake ID that says you're 25?" Blue asked.

"One of Kavinsky's pranks."

They hopped in the boat and Blue drove it out. She definitely didn't trust any of these boys to drive, and with how often she had watched Orla do it she felt fairly confident. They poked around a few inlets for an hour before they decided to just dump them into a distant, quiet part of the lake. Dream objects were heavy. The night horror would sink.

Andrew finally dropped the question as they headed back to the docks. "So what was that thing?" Rather than respond, Blue hit the gas, speeding up until it was much too loud and bumpy to hold any kind of conversation. Ronan laughed and tried to fist bump her, but they hit a wave and he cursed as he reached for the nearest handhold. Blue laughed. Andrew was glaring at her and Neil was looking kind of green, but Ronan looked the happiest he'd been all day, wind in his face.

Eventually they got back to the dock and returned the keys to the boat. They climbed back into the car and Ronan paused for a moment.

"That was a night horror. I pulled it from my dreams."

There was a long silence in the backseat. "So magic is real, then?" Neil asked.

"Yes," Blue replied, "but not like, wizard magic. Psychics, tarot cards, leylines, those sort of things. Those are real magic."

"And dreams."

"And dreams, yes."

"Are the dreams always this dangerous?" Andrew asked.

Ronan growled under his breath. Blue forestalled the venom she knew he'd spit out. "Night horrors, like those things, are rare these days. Usually he brings cool things back. Magic things. Things that shouldn't work, but do."

"And the occasional annoying bird," Ronan said almost fondly. He'd left Chainsaw at the house, not trusting her to not attack Andrew and Neil in the backseat.

Andrew seemed satisfied, but Neil continued to ask questions as Ronan started the car and headed back to the house. "Are any of the rest of you magic?"

Ronan laughed wickedly. "I'm the only living dreamer I know."

"That wasn't my question." Shit, he's clever, Blue thought.

At that moment all four of their phones went off simultaneously. Ronan never answered his phone, Blue didn't recognize the number, and Neil only laughed when he saw who was calling him, so it was Andrew who answered. He listened for a few seconds, gave a terse "they're alive," and hung up before turning his phone off. Blue's phone started to ring again.

"It's probably someone from the team," Neil said. "Renee called Andrew and Matt tried to call me. You should probably answer. Five bucks that they ask if we tried to murder you."

"I'll take you on that," Blue replied. "Hello?"

"Oh, thank god," Dan said. "Are y'all alright? They didn't kidnap you or anything?"

Blue laughed. "We kidnapped them, actually." Neil laughed.

"Where are you guys? The other monsters got home ages ago."

"Don't call them monsters," Blue snapped.

"But-"

"Don't." Neil gave her an appreciative nod.

Dan sighed. "Fine. Where are you guys at?"

"Almost back to their house. We need to grab our stuff and then we will be right back. Should be about an hour and a half, right?" she directed to the backseat.

"Around that, yes," Neil replied.

"Then we will expect you around then." Blue hung up the phone.

"Speaking of teammates," Blue said, "was anyone going to inform me that Columbia with y'all had potential to be hazardous to my health?

Neil snorted. "You two are the most dangerous thing that's ever happened on a trip to Eden's," he said with a grin.

Ronan cackled. "Damn straight."

[o-samus]

50 Interesting OC Asks

TW: Kal & Victor are just terrible so things they say might be disturbing

1. What is a rumor people tell about them? 

For Asiel and Alaina it’s definitely how many people they slept with or who they slept with. For Erasmus it’s that he’s a virgin. They’re wrong but they’re also not wrong. I think Stephane would have weird rumors ?? Where people assume scary things about him like he has a sex slave dungeon or something or that he’s so immune to all types of drugs that nothing can get him high anymore and that’s why he’s a fucking savage. But in reality Stephane sits in his room and eats ice cream. 

2. How long would they last in the zombie apocalypse? 

If there was no one watching Alaina - not long. I think she would be able to sneak by but that could only last for so long. Erasmus would be fucking dead in an instant if there was no one. Asiel, Stephane, Eskandar, and Ruben are def the top contenders. Kal too !! VICTOR WOULD WANT TO FUCK THE ZOMBIES AND I AM UNCOMFORTABLE WITH THAT THOUGHT. 

 3. If they’re about to get in a fight, what song plays in their head as their ‘hype song’? 

Alaina: 7/11 - Beyonce (I love to think this is both hers and Asiel’s hype song and when this comes on they dance like a bunch of dumbasses)

Stephane: Don’t Stop - Innerpartysystem

Asiel: Everybody - Don Broco OR War Child - Hollywood Undead

Ruben: Take Me Out - Franz Ferdinand 

Kal: Backmask - Mindless Self Indulgence (GOD THIS SONG IS JUST HIM)

Cesaire: I Bet You Look Good On The Dancefloor - Arctic Monkeys

4. How important is family to them? 

To Alaina it’s important but it’s more like...the whole idea of family ? Since she doesn’t have her own ? Like she considers the Demonios her family so they are important to her. For Stephane he didn’t give a single FUCK about family until he and Alaina had theirs, but before he despised the whole idea of family and thought it was fake. The same thing for Asiel. For Cesaire I feel like family would be a difficult and uncomfortable topic. He hated his dad and was basically forced to hate his twin brother but he got the better end of it ? I think he would be confused on what like...constitutes a good family. 

5. If they had a theme song, what would it be? 

Letha: Stripper by Sohodolls & Future Nostalgia - Dua Lipa

Ophelia: Portrait of a Female by Cruel Youth & Violence by Grimes 

Kal: House of Wolves by My Chemical Romance

Victor: The Dismemberment Song by Blue Kid (THIS IS MY ABSOLUTE FAV)

6. What’s a movie they can quote from start to finish? 

Asiel can quote dumb humor movies like Idiocracy or something and Letha can also...quote those.

Asiel: Please speak your name!

Letha: Well, i’m not sure that-

Asiel: You have entered the name, NOT SURE. Is NOT SURE correct ?

Letha: No it’s not correct-

Asiel: Thank you! NOT is correct ! Is SURE correct?

Letha: No, it’s not-

Asiel: We already confirmed your first name is NOT 

8. If they were given 1000 acres of land with no strings attached, what would they do with it? 

ALAINA WOULD HAVE A FARM !!! SHE WOULD HAVE A FARM AND SHE WOULD BE SOOOO HAPPY !! And Stephane would join her and he would’t really do anything except cheer his wife on and Alaina accepts that 

13. How did they find out Santa isn’t real?

Erasmus: Well, I was around eight or so. I thought the idea of Santa, this magical person who appeared from our chimneys who ate our cookies and delivered our gifts was absolutely absurd. There is about 7.5 billion people in the world and you expect me to believe this single man could visit all the children in a single night and do all of that? No. Impossible. I confronted my parents and they finally told me it was them.

Alaina, Asiel, Stephane, Eskandar, Kal, Letha, LITERALLY EVERYONE ELSE WHO DIDN’T EVEN HAVE A CHILDHOOD @ ERASMUS: .....

14. What’s a personality trait they wish they had? 

Alaina wishes she was smarter.

Asiel wishes he was able to feel empathy. 

Erasmus (secretly and in denial) wishes he was funny. 

16. If they were arrested with no explanation, what would their friends and family think they had done? 

Alaina: Asiel got arrested ?! I told him he wasn’t allowed in that donut shop anymore !!! :’(

Asiel: Lanes is in jail ??? GOOD FOR HER !! Finally someone punched her ‘jail card’. So what was it for? Public intoxication or indecency?

Erasmus: I told Letha nudes weren’t allowed on twitter !!!!

Ophelia: Kal ?? In jail ?? You’re fucking with me. Kal never gets caught. You’re just trying to trick me into leaving so he’d be able to go “SURPRISE!” and break my other leg.

17. In 40 years, what will they be the most nostalgic about? 

Victor: Do you remember the night we all went to the strip club together? And I saw that beautiful girl, with the smoothest skin. Candi, I believe her name was, with an ‘i’. Her body was almost perfectly preserved without the help of my chemicals for almost a week! A week with that smooth skin underneath my fingertips. I wanted to cut them off after, afraid that if I didn’t nothing was ever going to feel as good underneath my skin like that ever again. She looked just like she was before I killed her. It was the best sex I've ever had, what I would give to relive that week.

Ophelia:  😟

Kal: *Zzzzzzz* 

18. How would they describe their family? 

Kal would describe his family as “boring” which would be the reason why he killed them 

I’d like to imagine that Victor’s famiy died in a v traumatic way ? Where he had to see their corpses or something which was why he turned out the way he is - so fascinated with the dead but i’ll get back to that later 

I’m kind of torn on how Asiel would react to questions about his family, since he resents them so much I don’t think he would outwardly express that because that’s Asiel’s thing, you can’t find out WHY he hates the world but I feel like he’d be too upset to lie about it so he would dodge the question but in a v sneaky way so you wouldn’t see he was bothered by the question 

20. Do they have any pets? If so, what are they? 

ALAINA HAS TWO (2) PETS !! A German Shepherd named Orpheus and a Green Anaconda named No Feet or Nofie for short

23. What’s the most important object they own? 

I’d like to think that somewhere Stephane has a picture of his family (with Ciro’s face cut out) and he even couldn’t bring himself to cut Cesaire out and he occasionally looks over it fondly when he’s feeling a certain type of way \

I feel like Asiel would have something from Natalie, his sister (I should ?? Change her name LOL) that reminds him of her, lately I have been thinking of killing her off LOL to increase Asiel’s angst and bitterness towards the world so an item that would remind him of her would be so so important to him 

24. What event in their life would make a good movie? 

EVERYONE’S LIFE IS A FUCKING MOVIE THEY’RE ALL IN THE MAFIA 

27. What makes a person beautiful to them? 

Alaina thinks everyone is beautiful in their own way and they have certain specific things about them that makes them beautiful 

Stephane would find genuine kindness beautiful, just being kind not for any other reason than you genuine want to help and you genuinely care (tbh just Alaina in generally, if you’re anything like her you’re all set) 

Erasmus is the same way with genuine kindness, but I feel like he’s moreso people being happy ? Because he’s kind of sad and grumpy and seeing people being happy and enjoying their life he finds very attractive (NOT ASIEL ENJOYING HIS LIFE THOUGH) 

Victor thinks people going into rigor mortis is beautiful so...there’s...that 

Asiel would also be attractive to genuineness but not kindness specifically, just people actually being themselves and not afraid of being themselves - but also Asiel finds everyone hot ?? so 

I think Kal is incapable of finding people beautiful or attractive because he’s so fucking egotistical but I think what would peak his interest is people who are interesting - like if you can make him think you’re worth keeping alive he might fuck you or smthing or at least not kill you so that’s a plus 

28. If they turned into their crush/significant other for a day, what would they do? 

ALAINA WOULD BE SO EXCITED TO BE STEPHANE FOR SOME REASON like I feel like she’d take it as an opportunity to understand him better and she would just be excited to view the world from his “tall perspective” 

Stephane would flip the fuck out for the first solid five minutes but then use the opportunity to take more pictures of Alaina in outfits or underwear he’d always want her to wear (with her permission ofc) god and I feel like he would love the opportunity to be mean to people while in her body just to see people’s faces of Alaina cussing them out but then he knew she’d cry so he would refrain from doing that 

36. Do they believe things happen for a reason? 

CESAIRE BELIEVES IN FATE SO FUCKING MUCH like he believes in zodiac signs and things that are written in the stars, if something is meant to happen then it would have happened is definitely his motto but he would definitely work hard to make things happen as well 

42. Do they drink/smoke/do drugs? 

Alaina is an alcoholic in Arc 1 because she believes that since her life is better now she shouldn’t be feeling sad and thinking that she has problems because her life could be so much worse so she drinks to “cope” with her problems and eventually Etienne gets her into drugs as well but after she breaks up with Etienne, Asiel helps her become sober 

Asiel used to drink and do drugs like in an excessive amount but when he ODed and scared Natalie by almost dying he quit that 

Stephane, Kal, Ruben, and Eskandar smoke but it’s all casual 

46. What is something silly they’ve been tricked into believing? 

Alaina would believe anything you tell her from fucking anyone she’s so fucking dumb and I love her so fucking much for it she’s so cute 

50. What topic could they give a 20 minute presentation on with no preparation?

Asiel: Anyways, and that’s why the Ninja Turtles are better than the Avengers, any questions ? 

Erasmus: THIS IS A PROFESSIONAL MEETING !!!!!!

[miraculoussage]

like siblings - under pressure

Rating: G Pairings: Marinette & Adrien, Ladybug & Chat Noir (No romance) Length:  ~ 4,180 words Type: Original chapter

 (Takes place immediately after Volpina)

♪~ ᕕ( ཀ ʖ̯ ཀ)ᕗ

After the trouble with Volpina, Ladybug rushed back home; school could wait, Tikki’s frantic excitement and worry had infected her. She would have to think hard to come up with an excuse that both her friends and her parents would believe. Her balcony offered refuge from prying eyes, and she slipped quietly into her room to detransform. Hopefully, Gabriel hadn’t already realized that the book was gone. Marinette’s heart tightened with anxiety when she thought about Adrien being in the proximity of Gabriel’s inevitable anger.

Tikki was already inside the chest with the book and the Peacock Miraculous by the time Marinette had unlocked and opened it, and she was flipping through the pages and frowning at the pages. “We have to get this to the Guardian.” 

“That sounds like something you’re going to have to explain to me, Tikki,” Marinette said with no emotion. She knew Tikki had to keep important secrets, so important she couldn’t even tell her Chosen, but Marinette couldn’t help the betrayal she felt when Tikki revealed something new. She supposed it wasn’t even directed at Tikki, and instead at the situation itself, the unfairness of everything.

Tikki frowned apologetically at her, and Marinette knew Tikki was unhappy to have to keep secrets as much as Marinette was. “Have a seat, Marinette,” she said softly, flitting up to sit on the backrest of the chaise, “We must hurry to visit him, but explaining some of this to you myself will be more efficient in the long run.” 

The two sat and talked, Tikki explaining who the Guardian was, what his duties were, what the Miracle Box was, and finally, what the book was. “It holds the secrets to unlocking more power and potential from the Miraculous, giving us kwami special abilities that we can pass on to our wielders for a short time. If this fell into the wrong hands, Marinette, and they were able to translate it... It could cause devastation to Paris, to the world, even to kwami ourselves.”

“And Gabriel had this, hidden in a secret vault, along with the Peacock Miraculous, who had been missing for quite a while, and is currently broken?” Marinette waited for Tikki’s confirmation that she understood the situation, then continued. “Something tells me that he didn’t only have this book for fashion inspiration... Something tells me we need to make sure Adrien stays safe.”

With Tikki’s agreement, Marinette sent Adrien a text with an open invitation to come over that night, if he wanted to. It may have been a school night, but Marinette lived close to the school, and at least Adrien’s bodyguard trusted the Dupain-Chengs enough to let him stay in their house without a chaperone. An arm wrestling match with Tom had seemed to assure him that someone with at least as much physical strength as himself would be able to protect Adrien, should it come down to it. 

Packing the book and the brooch into her school bag and sneaking down the stairs to the back entrance of the house, Marinette got out unseen. She stopped in at the bakery to let her parents know she was okay after the akuma alert; she had hidden in the supply closet, you see, because she got the akuma alert on her phone on the way back to class, and she got stuck until the maintenance worker came in for a step-ladder after classes ended. 

Thankfully, her parents bought the excuse. She let them know Adrien might come over tonight, and she explained she was going to check out a meditation lesson (an excuse Tikki had provided her with) and might not be back until it was dark, and she would have to keep her phone off for the lesson. It was good to know her parents trusted her as much as they did, though it broke Marinette’s heart that she had to lie to them. 

With explanations done, Marinette left, and let Tikki lead her through streets and alleys to the Guardian’s house.

♪~ ᕕ( ཀ ʖ̯ ཀ)ᕗ

Adrien’s phone buzzed in his pocket. He was in the middle of his piano practice, but his attention had wandered so far from the piece he was supposed to be playing that his muscle memory took over and he had switched to a song he was much more familiar with. The text alert drew him out of his trance, and he was relieved to see Marinette had invited him to come over that night. He checked the clock; his practice was over in a few minutes and then he could go find Natalie to ask her. He hoped she said yes, he didn’t want to have to sneak out and sneak back in very early in the morning as Chat Noir. 

A familiar but intense pang of emotion hit him, and he rested his forehead on the piano keys, maybe a bit to hard. The resulting discordant noise shocked Plagg awake, and he flew over from under Adrien’s covers to sit on his head. Usually, in situations like these, Plagg would make a snide remark about Adrien moping, or give him some unwanted advice that would probably get him in trouble if he followed it, or complain about a lack of cheese. Today, though, he was quiet, and while Adrien appreciated the silent comfort, he also recognized that this situation actually was as serious and bad as he thought it was. 

“Plagg, I don’t know what I’m going to do.” Plagg didn’t answer, just patted Adrien’s hair with his tiny godly paws. “If Father really is... him, what am I going to do? Mother is already gone, and what will happen to Father? What will happen to me?” 

Plagg purred, but it wasn’t the kind of purr he made when he was happy. It was the kind of purr he made when Adrien woke up covered in a cold sweat, a scream in his throat, mind reeling in fear from a nightmare. “We’ll get through it together, kid.” Adrien wished he felt as confident as Plagg sounded. 

The anxious thoughts running through his head kept coming back to one thing. Custody. If something happened to his father, would Adrien be forced to stay with Aunt Amelie and Felix? Would Natalie or the Gorilla be assigned as his new guardian? While he liked both of them, he wouldn’t want to be put under their care. What about Chloe? She would probably fight to have him live with her, and as much as she was getting somewhat better at being ni- ... well, less intentionally mean, he still would hate to spend the rest of his childhood with her stuck to his side. 

Maybe...? No, they probably didn’t... But... In a world where at least some of Adrien’s wishes could be granted, Tom and Sabine would be legally appointed his guardians. Their apartment felt more like a home than his mansion ever had, their food was better than what any of the professional chefs made for him, they even seemed to spend more time with him than his father, or even his mother, ever did. But they wouldn’t want to adopt him...

.... Would they? Marinette always joked about it, or at least he thought they were jokes, but looking back he realized that most of the times she’d said that, it was after Adrien had had a particularly stressful or harrowing day because of something his father had done. He felt tears rise for the umpteenth time that day, and pressed his hands to his eyes to try and stop them. 

She had invited him over. He wanted so desperately to go. He had to wash his face, think positively, and face Natalie. With Plagg following him like a lost kitten, Adrien packed an overnight bag with pajamas and clothes for tomorrow, his review homework, and some Camembert for Plagg- sealed securely in an airtight bag. When his bag was packed, he washed his face, practiced his smile in the mirror, and went to find Natalie. 

♪~ ᕕ( ཀ ʖ̯ ཀ)ᕗ

Master Fu wasn’t quite what Marinette expected. He was shorter, for one, and wore a more vibrant shirt than she was picturing. He knew who she was immediately, and though it took her a few moments to place it, she was familiar with him from when she brought Tikki in to be healed. Tikki, for her part, seemed to be superior to the Guardian from the way they interacted with each other. 

After official introductions and serving tea and snacks, the two humans, along with their kwami, got down to business. When Master Fu explained in more detail what Tikki had already shared, Marinette made careful note of everything. She may forget dates and times, but when it came to important information like this, something she was invested in, her memory was sharp as a tack. 

Eventually, though, Marinette had to bring up the bad news. “The book was found by Adrien Agreste in his father’s safe, along with the Peacock Miraculous. From what I know about Gabriel Agreste, he’s never been akumatized, and he’s cruel enough to his employees and his son that I wasn’t even shocked at the idea that he might be Papillon.”

“This is troubling news. I take it you and Adrien are friends, then?”

“Friends is an understatement. He’s more like a brother to me now. I trust him with my life. Oh, but! Don’t take that to mean I’m biased. Well, maybe I am, but I’m willing to look past biases. Sorry, I’m just worried about what this means for him, if Gabriel actually is Papillon.” She broke a wafer cookie in half, and though the baker in her was yelling at her not to waste her now mutilated snack, her appetite had disappeared. 

“Regardless of whether he is or not, Gabriel had the book and a Miraculous in his possession. I will personally monitor Adrien’s safety if need be. Do not worry, Marinette, you are not in this alone.”

“Speaking of which... I’d like to share what’s happened with Chat Noir. He deserves to know this too, he needs all the information I can safely share with him to keep himself safe.”

“Marinette, there is much that we cannot share with Chat No-”

“Marinette.” Tikki cut off Master Fu, who seemed shocked, with a stern look. “We are considering making you the next Guardian, if all goes well. Don’t- I can see you starting to panic, don’t do that. None of that is immediate. Take a few breaths, and listen.” She floated down to the table, resting her paws on Marinette’s hand. “Master Fu has been the Guardian for a long time now, and though he currently shares Wayzz’s power, he is human just like you and he cannot live forever.”

Though the Guardian looked worried, Tikki seemed to pay no mind to him, so Marinette gave the kwami her full attention. “We’ll train you over time, there is no rush for you to learn. You will take over when you’re ready. For now, what you need to know as the next guardian in training, is that it’s your own decision what to share with Chat Noir- to an extent. Sharing your identities is still very dangerous, even more so now that we know who Papillon may be.” 

“I wasn’t going to share my identity, just about the book, the Miraculous, and who it was taken from.” Tikki gave Marinette a smile, floating back up to eye level again. 

“Master Fu, I take it you have no objections to this?” Marinette couldn’t see Tikki’s face when she turned to talk to him, but she didn’t have to in order to know Tikki was using her Boss face. Master Fu shook his head, and bowed slightly at the small god. “Then it’s settled. Marinette, your meeting with Chat Noir is soon, do you have any other questions?”

Glancing at the clock, Marinette realized her timeblindness had gripped her again, and she nearly cursed. “For now, I think... Just one. You said there are other Miraculous. Papillon uses the Butterfly Miraculous. Are there any other ones missing?”

“The only Miraculous out of the Miracle Box at the time are the Ladybug and Black Cat Miraculous, the missing Butterfly Miraculous, and Dusuu’s brooch, which I will get to repairing immediately.” 

“Are the other Miraculous able to be used?” Master Fu and Tikki shared a look, before Tikki answered. 

“We mustn’t leave more Miraculous outside of the Miracle Box’s protection. However, if the need arises, you can take one out to lend to a trusted ally. Marinette, I know your mind went to Adrien immediately, but until we figure out what’s going on with Gabriel, we can’t risk making a link between Adrien and the Miraculous. You should avoid talking to him as Ladybug as much as possible, as well.” 

Marinette nodded, disappointed but understanding of the situation. “Well, thank you for tea, Master, but I have an appointment.” She stood up to go and Master Fu stopped her before she left. 

“I’d like to talk to Tikki briefly, if you don’t mind.” Marinette got the hint, and glanced at Tikki. When Tikki smiled and nodded at her, Marinette was reassured, and went outside to wait for Tikki.

♪~ ᕕ( ཀ ʖ̯ ཀ)ᕗ

Chat Noir laid flat on his back, sprawled out on the empty viewing platform of the Arc de Triomphe. It felt like he was there for hours with his eyes closed and a breeze cooling his cheeks. Logically, though, he knew it had only been a quarter of an hour or so that he’d waited for Ladybug. When he heard the wind whistle, and her light landing on the stone tiles, he sat up and looked for her. “Nice to see you again, Little Bug!” 

“Hey I’m only a few inches shorter than you,” she said with faux irritation, poking him lightly in the forehead. “I’m glad you’re here, Kitty. There’s... A lot to talk about.” She sat next to him on the cold floor, drawing her knees up and wrapping her arms around them. “Get comfortable.” 

“So, I guess, to start... You know Adrien Agreste?” 

“Yeah?”

“Well. Today, he gave me a book. He gave me a book containing ancient and secret knowledge of the Miraculous, including knowledge to give kwami and their partners special abilities temporarily, but also knowledge to control kwami. He also gave me another Miraculous, one that’s broken and has been missing for a long time.” She didn’t look at him, and Chat put his hand on her shoulder briefly.

“The thing is, Chat, he found it in his father’s safe.” 

“Gabriel Agreste.” 

“Yes.” She let out a heavy breath, and Chat Noir wished he could do the same without revealing how close he was to the situation. “So I brought the book and the Miraculous to an ally.” This surprised Chat Noir, more than hearing about Gabriel Agreste’s involvement, and he hoped it didn’t show in his body language.

“An ally? Who, another Miraculous user?” 

“Yes and no. He once was, but he’s retired from that now. He’s the Guardian of the Miraculous. My kwami introduced me to him today, and we talked about the book and... and the whole situation,” she said, with a vague wave of her hands. Chat knew how she felt- this whole thing was bigger than they’d originally thought.

“I don’t think he wanted me to talk about most of this with you, but Tikki- my kwami- she overruled him. She said, get this- she said I’m the next Guardian, in training now I guess. I went from having no idea who or what the Guardian was, or even that he existed, to becoming the successor in this line of very important people, with very important responsibilities. I’m- I’m already Ladybug! And I have a civilian life- a BUSY civilian life!” Ladybug was yelling, but Chat didn’t think she realized it. 

He put his hand on her shoulder again, turning her gently to look at him. “LB. I’m here for you, I’m here with you. You know that I’ll help you in any way I can, right? Anything you need.” He let her lean into him, giving her a tight hug, and then letting her sit up again.

She sighed heavily. “Thanks, Chat. I think I just needed to have an outburst. That hug helped, too. In any case, Tikki thinks that since I’m going to be the next Guardian,” she still sounded frazzled about that whole thing, “I should be given the responsibility to choose what gets shared with you, and I quote, ‘to an extent’. Identities still have to stay secret, especially with the new information we have.”

“That’s alright with me, Bugaboo. Is there more I should know?” 

“... Yes. There are more Miraculous than the ones we knew about, and we have access to them.” Chat Noir took a breath to speak, but Ladybug cut him off. “In certain situations. It’s important that they stay in the Miracle Box, to protect the Miraculous and the kwamis they’re home to. We can’t take a bunch out or give them to allies every battle, we have to be responsible and extremely careful. I don’t think we should both know the identities of any ally we choose, but the people we choose need to be people we trust. We need to take the Miraculous back after the battle, and return them to the Miracle Box.” 

In Chat’s mind, there were endless possibilities. How many Miraculous, how many allies? ‘A trusted ally’ immediately brought thoughts of Marinette, but fighting akumas was dangerous, and he didn’t know if he was willing to bring Marinette into the responsibilities and secrets of the Miraculous at all. Especially with Father now being involved. If he gave Marinette a temporary Miraculous, and his father and/or Papillon found out and targeted her? He wouldn’t be able to forgive himself. She was too important to him.

“I understand, Ladybug. It’s good to know we have access to allies, but at the same time, I hope we won’t ever have to use them.”

“Exactly, I’m glad you feel the same. It’s difficult trying to think of someone I trust enough to fight alongside me, that won’t directly link back to me if they were discovered.” 

“I know some people... Though, I don’t know if they’re ready yet. I guess we’ll see if it comes to it,” he said, trying to reassure Ladybug with a smile. She smiled back, but he could see the stress weighing her down. “We’re in this together, Ladybug.” 

She nodded, and the serious conversation came back. “I guess, to sum up what the Guardian, Tikki, and I talked about... Gabriel Agreste has some connection to the Miraculous and may or may not be Papillon, or an ally of him. The Peacock Miraculous that Adrien recovered is broken, but the Guardian is working on fixing it. Speaking of Adrien, we need to limit our contact with him in order to make him less of a target, and less suspicious to his father in the case of the missing tome. We have other Miraculous within reach and we can, if needed, gain a temporary ally. Our kwami may be able to gain temporary abilities that will affect our powers when we’re transformed. And, last but not least, I’m supposed to become the next Guardian of the Miraculous, some of the strongest forces in the universe, and I’m just a normal person and I don’t know how I’m going to deal with this.” By the end of the sentence, her chest was heaving and she was starting to hyperventilate. 

Chat leaned over and gave her another hug around her shoulders, resting his head on top of her shoulder. “Deep breaths, LB.” He waited until her breathing was back to normal before he released her. “Better?” 

“Better.” 

“Your kwami will help you. I’ll help you too. For now, it’s night time, and you don’t have to think about it right now.” 

With another deep breath, Ladybug stood up, and Chat Noir followed. “Speaking of night time,” she said, “I should be getting home. Stay safe, Chat.” She gave him one last hug, and swung away on her yo-yo. 

Adrien had gotten permission to stay at Marinette’s house, and his bodyguard dropped him off near the bakery earlier, though he hadn’t actually gone inside. With his duffel bag, he had transformed and went to meet Ladybug. With it getting as dark as it was, Marinette would worry if he wasn’t there soon, so he took one last look at the sky, disappointed by the light pollution blocking out most of the stars, and vaulted away towards the bakery.

♪~ ᕕ( ཀ ʖ̯ ཀ)ᕗ

The spicy-sweet smell of dinner tempted Marinette up the stairs when she got home. Adrien wasn’t there yet, but her parents were setting four spots at the table anyways. There were extra blankets on the couch, a few game controllers out, and a tray of leftover bakery treats on the coffee table. Just knowing that Adrien would be there soon lifted a weight off of Marinette’s shoulders. 

“What’s for dinner?” Tom turned around at grinned at his daughter, and gave her an almost-crushing hug. 

“Some recipes your great-uncle sent us to try! He told your mother he wanted Adrien’s opinion on them, too,” he said with a wink. “I think he likes Adrien just as much as we do!” 

There was a knock on the door, and then Adrien came in- the three residents had always told him he was welcome to let himself in, and after a year of knowing the family, Marinette was glad that he was starting to become comfortable with such casual behaviour. “Hello, everyone!” he said with a wave. Tom gave him just as big of a hug as he had given Marinette, and Adrien let out a laugh as he was released. 

“Ready for some new dishes, Adrien? Cheng Shifu is working on a cookbook and sent us some recipes to try,” Sabine smiled, and gave Adrien a comparatively gentler hug. She took his bag from his shoulder and set it beside the couch. “Both of you go wash your hands for dinner, it’ll be ready in a few minutes.” 

In the washroom, side by side at the sink, Adrien asked, “Did you just get home?”

“Yeah. I was out at a meditation lesson.” 

“They have those? You should teach me some stuff.” 

Marinette blushed and let out a laugh, “I don’t know if I would be a good teacher for it. You know how high-strung I get around the beginning of the school year.” 

“Oof, yeah, I do. Need help with anything? I brought the review work; I was looking at it earlier and I think I have most of it figured out.” 

“I could definitely use some help. The review is a good place to start, but I’ll have to figure out what my next task list is and see who can help with what, and I’ll let you know.”

“Sounds good, Mari,” he said, grinning at her in the mirror. They took turns rinsing the soap from their hands and arms, and soon they were all sitting at the table. 

“This is meant to be an appetizer,” Sabine explained, pointing at a dish of finger foods. Next she pointed to a delicious smelling soup and a salad of fresh vegetables, “and these are the main courses. There’s dessert setting in the fridge for later!” 

“Dessert?? Maman, there’s already so much stuff brought up from the bakery! How am I going to choose what to have?” Letting out a laugh, Marinette started helping herself to the food, knowing Adrien wouldn’t serve himself until everyone else had gotten some of everything. “I guess I should try Uncle’s dessert, if he needs opinions on it. You both already know that everything in the bakery is great!” 

“I second that,” Adrien said with a charming smile. He was almost able to hide the stress he was under, but Marinette could tell, even without knowing what he was going through. She was glad to have him here, to have him home.

♪~ ᕕ( ཀ ʖ̯ ཀ)ᕗ

After a boisterous dinner and dessert, some Ultimate Mecha Strike II, and some quiet work on their review work, Marinette and Adrien were both feeling better. Though they were both still too stressed for a pair of fourteen year olds, knowing this sense of home would be waiting for them every day filled them with hope. With people like this at their backs, the two superhero teens felt more prepared for what was to come. 

Meanwhile, Tikki made her way from Marinette’s bag into Adrien’s bag. Even through the plastic and the wrapping, she could smell the Camembert. Before now, she had chalked it up to coincidence, that Adrien just enjoyed the stinky cheese. Now, knowing what the Guardian told her, Tikki understood. “Plagg,” she said, covering his mouth so he wouldn’t shout when he woke up. “We need to talk.”

[oveliagirlhaditright]

So... this has been on my mind lately. So here are seven reasons I don’t ship the M*ax and A*lec pairing from D*ark Angel. Even aside from things like, how I just see them as siblings (and think that was what the writers were mostly going for with them), and I think the fact they fought all the time--and that M*ax would hit A*lec (probably lightly and somewhat playfully, but still)--wasn’t good, imo, etc.

1. A*lec objectified M*ax. He tried to convince L*ogan that the only reason the two of them helped M*ax was because she was hot (that L*ogan denied). He also said “please tell me you’re going to get naked”, when M*ax said they needed a distraction in one episode. And then in the episode where M*ax had to pretend to be a stripper to get into that one bar (though thankfully, she just had to wear a tank-top and pants), A*lec was happy about this while M*ax was mad... Just no. And I know what people are going to say: L*ogan was mad for a while that he and M*ax didn’t get to have sex in B*orrowed Time. And first off, M*ax and L*ogan are a couple. So I think that's somewhat different, than someone M*ax isn’t romantically interested in is objectifying her all the time. And M*ax was upset about it, too. And tbh... this wasn’t a good look for L*ogan, I know, but let this boy have some flaws. Most of the time, he’s perfect. And he gets over it pretty fast. And it also wasn’t all just about the sex. L*ogan wasn’t sure he could deal with their happy ending always being stolen away from them anymore. It was too painful. A*nyway, Logan never objectified M*ax. If anything, he told her things like she was beautiful.

2. A*lec somewhat wanted M*ax to change. In the episode where M*ax and A*lec are both trying to steal that signed baseball, and are fighting over it, A*lec essentially talks about how the way M*ax talks--and how she threatens people, and whatnot--is unfeminine. I.E. He wanted M*ax to be more feminine. And, no. Max was a tomboy. And if she wanted to be a tomboy, she is perfectly allowed to be a tomboy. L*ogan never wanted M*ax to change... In fact, he tells her he would never want her to be like his snobbish family. And I think he was actually drawn to the M*ax we see. Like, when M*ax tells him “the bitch is back”, he raises an eyebrow and is kind of turned on by it, I think. You may argue that L*ogan tried to change M*ax in trying to get her to help people. But nah. That’s who M*ax was deep down, and I think L*ogan saw that. Edit: Also, in that one episode in season two when Max wishes she was a normal girl--and thinks Logan would even prefer her that way--but realizes at the end of the episode she probably never can be, Logan’s pretty much like, “What’s so great about normal?” :)

3. On the subject of the “bitch” thing. I say this with love... M*ax is a bitch. And she knows it, and is even okay with calling herself that--and perhaps even letting C*indy--but she hates it when someone else calls her that. And A*lec does, and you can tell he means it, and that’s when she punches him in the face when they’re in the ring together. L*ogan never calls M*ax a bitch. Rather, they have this conversation. Max: “Well, are you going to feed me or are you just going to sit there?” Logan: “You know, you were a lot nicer when you weren’t feeling well.” Max: “What can I say? The bitch is back.” Logan just raises his eyebrow at this, and that’s it... and yes, I think he’s slightly turned on by it, as I think he was partly attracted to this Max.

4. In B*orrowed Time, A*lec blames M*ax for them having to traipse through the sewers and them getting caught in the Gossamer’s trap. L*ogan tells him, “It isn’t her fault.”

5. The cheating thing. We see in the Pilot, that M*ax hates cheating. Probably because her ex-boyfriend Darren did it to her. She also hates that S*ketchy is cheating on Natalie. So I don’t think she’d be okay to date A*lec. And she was mad at him in the episode where he was dating two girls at the same time, under the excuse that he hadn’t meant to date both of them at the same time... and then when he realized he was, it wasn’t like he didn’t mean to tell both of them about the other. And that neither girl had ever said they were mutually exclusive. But I know what some of you are going to say: L*ogan actually took A*lec’s side here. And he did. But again... let this boy have, like, two flaws, please (this is even why the writers had him say it, as they were saying how they wanted him to maybe have one flaw and be a guy, since he’s usually so perfect). But what’s important here, is that L*ogan never did that while in a relationship with M*ax--and never would--so there’s no issue with them. Besides, I kind of think it was more L*ogan’s younger party boy self who did this kind of thing. Not current L*ogan. And he took A*lec’s side, because he thought M*ax was being too hard on him. Which, on a side note, I find it funny that some people say that L*ogan was so mean to A*lec in season two, when we have moments like this... and when L*ogan was the one who saw that A*lec was like past M*ax, and that she should try and be there for him. L*ogan was about giving A*lec a chance long before M*ax was.

6. In F*reak Nation, M*ax is becoming a leader--the person she always was meant to be--in telling the transgenics they aren’t going to hide anymore, but rather fight for their freedom and force America to acknowledge that they made them. And L*ogan is so proud of M*ax in this moment, and in love with her, as she’s also becoming the person he always knew she was. And though A*lec acts like he agrees with this, the writers on the commentary say he’s just going along with it because everyone else is and is planning on leaving tomorrow (as his face does look kind of uncertain). Granted, they might have been slightly joking here--I don’t know--but still.

7. A*lec has it in his head, that since M*ax and L*ogan haven’t told each other they love each other, their relationship isn’t real or will never last. And, first off, A*lec doesn’t know what he’s talking about. M*ax tried to tell L*ogan that when she was dying. And they both almost say it while they’re dancing together in B*orrowed Time--the episode A*lec is saying this--before they’re interrupted. And L*ogan does tell M*ax this at the end of the episode. And she says it back, but only after he’s left... though she does eventually say it in the books. But I just feel like... holy crap. It’s none of your business, A*lec. If M*ax and L*ogan need to take their time with this--or go about things differently, since they’re both broken--let them. And it doesn’t mean it’s less real! I feel like L*ogan, unlike A*lec, understood M*ax needed time with these kinds of things and gave it to her, without pushing. Like when M*ax takes their kiss back in “B*lah Blah Woof Woof”. You can tell L*ogan didn’t want to do that, and didn’t fully believe her, but he went along with it because he knew she needed that at the time, anyway. And I see the other argument coming a mile away. “L*ogan acted like a baby during their breakup in season two”. And, to start off, I think L*ogan took M*ax’s pushing him away in season two--because she was scared of hurting him--with a lot of grace, like when she no longer wanted to be in a car with him. He didn’t really try to change her mind, and mostly respected her boundaries, and still tried to be there for her. As for their breakup... I’m on L*ogan’s side with that one. She was overreacting because she was afraid, which I get, but it was also his choice... and she was taking it out of his hands and not even talking to him. So I get why he’d be a little upset about that. But then she was still even expecting him to find out stuff about W*hite’s B*reeding Cult for her. JFC. But L*ogan also gets over himself pretty quickly, and is just there as she needs him--telling her that whatever happens with them, he’ll always have her back (and Max says she’s the same way). And in the end, they do end up together.

So, imo... M*axLogan is so much better than M*axAlec, and I’ll never really get the latter ship. But oh well.

[defunctblogtobedeleted]

10/26/19 3:40 am - Inventing A New Ranking System For People

Alright I don’t know if it’s sexist since I’m bi (LOL Andi would hate when I called shit gay and say that it’s okay because I’m half-gay).

But I did a lot of brainstorming and wanted to show off my new rating scale.

1-10 is trash. We used to parody it by saying it was more efficient to just do Binary where 0 is you wouldn’t smash and 1 is you would.

There’s just no depth there.

The crazy-hot chart is at least a little better because it’s got two factors you’re assessing.

So Here’s what I’ve got for you today.

I spent that one night at Darlin’s watching her stream and drawing this picture because I kept imagining what it would be like to write down all my feelings and have her read about how much I loved her and how highly I thought about her and maybe she’d take me back. I came up with this scale, but didn’t draw that part of this page out until just now.

I’m glad I’m writing the official scale part and all the numbers now that I don’t really want Andi back. It all feels more honest, though the opinions haven’t really changed. One of the things I said to Andi when I was breaking off our friendship was that I felt shitty like I was manipulating her back into a relationship and not being real friends with her.

Honestly I don’t know if I could control myself to try to be platonic friends with her now. Probably not, I’m tryna fuck like everyone I hang out with LMAO.

But anyway, Andi and I loved DnD and so that was the inspiration for this scale. Forreal here it is:

So here’s the rundown. You’ve got your normal 6 stats on the left, Strength, Dexterity, Constitution, Intelligence, Wisdom, and Charisma. 

It helps to fill these out as well, because then you have 12 points of assessment.

For example, Andi’s digestive issues means that there is no fucking WAY she’d be able to pass a constitution check on poison, since she can barely eat most regular foods; hence she has a -2 in that stat. It also helps to remember that when you’re doing real stats that 18 is like supergenius and 20 is literally unachievable naturally so there’s no way you ought to give a real person much higher than like a 16 or 17 intellect.

Okay now here’s the fun part. My made up stats are Hobbies, Spontaneity, Mental Health, Sex, Beauty, and Status/Refinement. 

Hobbies are what I consider to be the strength of a relationship. It’s how much you guys have in common with the things you like to do. On these stats I think it’s more natural to fill them out to a max score of 20. Andi gets two points off for not liking drugs and not liking fucked up shit from 4chan or videos where she gets grossed out like Me!Me!Me! but she was damn near perfect in terms of wanting to do stuff I wanted to do. Drinking, video games, sex? Yeah. got it.

Spontaneity is a subjective stat. One person’s SPO 20 is probably another person’s SPO 1, after all. You’d want someone in your life to be as crazy and willing to go out and do wild shit as you are, I’d presume. Or at least I do, which is why in terms of having Andi ready to go on road trip adventures across the country with me she didn’t quite hold up. I’d give her a -2 but she did fuck me in a parking lot the first night I met her. Really thought about giving her a flat stat just for that, but overall I think it’s negative.

Mental Health isn’t just a category for me to take a jab at Andi for having depressive issues, I fucking swear I’m not that much of a dick. Mental Health, or MHP, is a throwback to that Crazy-Hotness chart/meme/adage. You really do have to take into account if someone isn’t going to slice your ass with razor blades when they fuck you lmfao, or if they’re going to fight with you or fuck your friends any chance they get. Some people are just crazy and now here’s a stat for that. But alright yes, I am an asshole and took off points because Andi was depressed so much lmfao.

Sex + Beauty  I like these stats being their own categories for the same reason that INT and WIS are different stats. Raw beauty is your natural 1-10 scale of hotness. Of course, it’s more accurate because it includes .5 decimals by going 1-20. I’d give Andi a 7.5 on my hotness scale, where 10s are like Natalie Portman, Britney Spears ~Toxic era, and Kimberly from the Power Rangers. So in DnD Beauty she gets a 15. She had perfect tits, a great ass, a tight stomach, a pretty smile, and legs for fucking days, man. Pretty fucking hot.  For sex, I’d say you should rate someone on a scale from 1-18 normally, just because an 18 is the highest stat you can roll naturally before increasing your stats with feats. But then you can continue to add 1 or 2 if they actually have some mindblowing skills. Like if they give the best head you’ve ever gotten or something they can break into that best-in-the-world territory that a 19/20 stat in DnD is supposed to represent.  That being said, Andi was one of my favorite fucks. She didn’t have unbelievable stamina on top and didn’t give a legendary blowjob. But she was ALWAYS ready to fuck. And so enthusiastic. And so sexy. And kinky. The only area she loses points from rolling the nat 18 is for kissing and for whatever was causing the puss flavor.  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ I really honestly think it was just because we were too lazy to shower most of the weekend though so I didn’t want to take a whole second point off for that.

And so that leaves us with Status (/Refinement) Status is a somewhat more nebulous stat, but I wanted to add a stat in for how classy someone is. Does she come from a rich family? Does she have money? Does she make more money than you? How is her taste in music and culture and art? Would you feel shitty not taking her out to a fancy restaurant? Like sometimes you have to acknowledge that you’re tryna fuck a hot piece of trailer trash. It’s fine, man. Like Mungo Jerry said In The Summertime, “If her daddy’s rich, take her out for a meal / If her daddy’s poor, just do what you feel.” It’s not a bad thing to not be classy.  For starters I liked that Andi made a little more money than me, but she wasn’t rich enough to take me in and be my sugar momma 😂 I also didn’t think she had Great taste in anime and music, so she ends up in an above-average-but-still-kinda-middling stat. 

And that covers it!

I hope this doesn’t make me the worst person ever. But I might start reviewing all the people I sleep with like this. I think it really demonstrates their appeal a lot more than anything else I’ve heard of. 

Let me know if I’m the biggest piece of shit ever for this so I know not to do it though lmfao.

Also Andi, if you ever read this for some reason I hope you’re... flattered? I guess? I really hope you meant what you said when you told me I could write about you because... this is probably a lot. I really don’t think I was out of your league though, and when you looked at your porn pics of us and said you couldn’t believe your ass looked so good I hope you know you always looked great. 

💕 It really was fun. Unblock me so we can be friends again. It’d be cool to chill now that I’m in a better headspace I think. 

I was thinking about calling you when I finally got to this part in my catching up, but I want to give you your space. Forever, I guess. You always said you were the bad bitch Ex’s And Oh’s girl who would have your exes chasing you to the end of the Earth and I’m not about that chase lmao.  But you were worth it. You were worth a lot more, to be honest lol, I wish I had gotten my shit together before we broke up instead of after. But you really convinced me to treat myself right, and take better care of myself in a way that nobody outside of my family has and you mean a lot to me for that. So I hope you’re doing well and I don’t want to do anything to fuck that up if you are, so I’m not gonna be that ex that calls you out of the blue that says “oh are you ready to be friends again, sorry for that shit I said.” Also because I’m not. But if you wanted to be friends anyway that’d be rad.  💕 💕