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tongue-like-a-razor · 2 years ago

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There Are Limits

Pete "Maverick" Mitchell x F!Reader

Summary: Maverick's new female friend brings out your spiteful nature. And seeing you with a new man is harder on Maverick than he'd like to admit.

CW: age gap, student/instructor dynamic, swearing, drinking, and did someone say bring on the angst?? Because you know I can deliver..

WC: 4000+

This is Part 5 in the There Are Rules universe.

“Captain?”

Maverick looks up when you step into his office. He’s sitting on the edge of his desk and there’s a woman standing between his legs, so close, she might as well be in his lap. When you enter, she steps away half-heartedly, looking slightly annoyed that her conversation with Maverick has been cut short.

Maverick’s cheeky grin falters when he sees you, and he clears his throat as he hops off his desk.

“Lieutenant,” he says. “How can I help you?”

You stare at him in shock, not sure how to react. The last several weeks haven’t been easy; in fact, you and Maverick have barely spoken since your mutual decision to terminate your romantic relationship. But seeing him with another woman is a whole new level of difficult.

“Lieutenant?” he says, lifting his eyebrows worriedly. He doesn’t bother to introduce his companion, with whom he is obviously very familiar.

You swallow around the lump in your throat and exhale slowly. Maverick isn’t the only expert in self-regulation. It’s a skill that’s proven quite useful, if not invaluable, during your tenure in the navy. And, although it’s always come naturally to you, recent events have seen that you receive plenty of practice. “Sir,” you say promptly, saluting Maverick in an entirely professional manner, as if you’ve never even had his tongue down your throat. “It’s about next week’s squadron dinner,” you say.

It's true that you meant to speak about the dinner – about how you were planning on skipping it to avoid an ever vigilant Cyclone who's been watching both you and Maverick like a hawk. Moreover, the less you see of Maverick these days, the better.

But the scene before you has severely shifted the trajectory of your plans. And the next thing that comes out of your mouth is hideously unrehearsed. “I was wondering if we were allowed a plus one,” you blurt out, your eyes darting pointedly between Maverick and his female friend.

Maverick stares at you mutely, as though it’s taking him a minute to process your request. “You want to bring a date?” he then asks, his eyes widening and subsequently narrowing in a matter of milliseconds.

You feel like you might sweat right through your uniform with the way he’s staring you down, but you stand your ground defiantly. “If I may,” you respond unemotionally; the way you’d address any other superior.

Maverick nods slowly, glancing at the woman who’s currently rifling through some papers on his desk. You ignore how comfortable she seems in his office, like she’s been here plenty of times before. “I don’t see that being a problem,” he says. “Who’s the lucky…?” His voice trails off and he lets out a nervous laugh. “Should be fun,” he finishes, giving you a wide, artificial-looking grin.

You smile back at him. “I agree.”

…

“Boyfriend,” Maverick says, his eyebrows shooting upward for a moment before he checks himself and pulls at the collar of his jacket as if it’s suddenly an uncomfortable fit.

You try not to acknowledge his reaction and instead introduce your date to some of your squadron mates. You’re not sure why Sam has decided to put a label on your relationship at this exact moment, but you’re not going to argue semantics in front of the one person you wouldn’t mind buying into this spectacle.

“It’s new,” you hear Sam blurt out, presumably cowering under the scrutiny of Maverick’s gaze.

You make a point not to look Maverick in the eye because you’re still upset about walking in on him last week when he was clearly otherwise engaged. But when Sam walks ahead, busy conversing with the other aviators, you feel a finger brush gently over the back of your hand. You pull both hands behind your back and square your shoulders to face your instructor.

Maverick is watching you solemnly. “This is good,” he whispers, although the tilt of his eyebrows says otherwise.

You can’t express how much it hurts to hear him referring to this situation as good, and yet, you nod, grinning rigidly. “It is,” you say, pausing to give him an opportunity to come clean about his own blossoming relationship.

But Maverick does nothing of the sort. Maverick is as unreadable as ever.

You’re about to walk away when the woman you’d seen in Maverick’s office appears from behind him. She nudges him on the shoulder to get his attention and shoots him a brilliant smile.

Maverick gives her a polite nod before turning back to you. “Lieutenant,” he says. “I’d like to introduce you to an old friend of mine.”

The woman beams at you and holds out her hand. “I’m Charlie,” she says.

You shake her hand and return her smile. “It’s nice to meet you, Charlie,” you say. “Are you an instructor at Top Gun as well?”

She chuckles, throwing Maverick a flirty glance. “Not for a while,” she responds, looking back at you. “Not since this one made me rethink that particular career choice.”

Maverick drops his head with a laugh. “Sorry about that, by the way,” he says.

Charlie shakes her head. “Don’t be,” she replies. “It all worked out.”

Maverick nods, looking at her affectionately. “Charlie went on to bigger and better things. And by bigger, I mean she went on to design rockets.”

“Wow,” you say, both impressed and jealous of the woman who seems to hold a special place in Maverick’s heart.

“And look at how far you’ve come,” Charlie says to Maverick.

Maverick grimaces. “I’m right back where I started,” he remarks. “Full circle.”

“You’re right back where you’re meant to be,” she says earnestly. “And I’m proud of you.”

Maverick shifts his weight uncomfortably, hooking his thumbs through the belt loops of his jeans. “We better grab a seat before Cyclone has an aneurysm,” he says.

You turn to see Cyclone watching the three of you with an irked expression from the table reserved for your group at the restaurant. He shakes his head ominously as you make your way toward the others. When the three of you arrive at the table, he mutters, “How gracious of you to join us.”

Maverick glances at him with a slight smirk but doesn’t say a word while Charlie lets out a small chuckle, taking her place beside Maverick at the table.

You lower yourself into the seat next to Sam, right across from Maverick and Charlie. Cyclone is sitting to Maverick’s right, aggressively perusing the menu.

“I hear the fish tacos are good here,” Maverick notes when Cyclone lays his menu down on the table in frustration.

Cyclone gives him a sour look. “Not a fish person,” he responds tartly.

You stifle a laugh, exchanging glances with Charlie, who is also snickering.

“There are non-fish tacos as well,” Maverick points out.

Cyclone nods grumpily. “Yes, I saw the entire section devoted to the various tacos they serve. I can read.”

Maverick bites the side of his lip to contain a grin. “Enchiladas,” he continues quietly, as if to himself. “Quesadillas, chiles rellenos…”

“I want a burger,” Cyclone declares, flipping through the menu anew.

Maverick shoots you an amused glance. “Let’s start with drinks,” he suggests, sliding a draft beer menu in front of his superior.

“Good idea.” Cyclone sighs theatrically, rolling his shoulders to loosen some tension.

“Hey, d’you want to share a couple of dishes?” Sam offers, tapping you on the arm to get your attention.

You glance over at him quickly, having almost forgotten he was there. “Sure.” You nod enthusiastically, even though it’s the last thing you would ever think to do.

Once all the drinks and food arrive, and you and Sam awkwardly try to allocate your respective shares of the dinner, Charlie pipes in. “How long have you two been together?” she asks, gesturing at you and Sam.

“It’s new,” Sam, the self-proclaimed boyfriend who has yet to work up the nerve to even kiss you, reiterates quickly while you chew on a quesadilla.

You wipe your mouth with a napkin before confirming, “Not long.”

Maverick’s eyes rest on you for a split second before he returns his attention to the ceviche in his bowl.

Meanwhile, Cyclone regards you with a dubious expression. “Where did you meet?” he asks gruffly.

“Through some friends,” Sam responds excitedly, as though it’s the most fascinating fact of the evening.

You take another bite of quesadilla and avoid looking directly at any of the three people sitting before you.

But Maverick cuts the silence short. “Is it serious?” he asks, and both you and Cyclone shoot him threatening glances. Charlie looks up from her plate, trying to interpret yours and Cyclone’s abrupt reactions.

Sam, meanwhile, is smiling blissfully to himself as he pokes at the contents of his fajita before rolling it up. “I’d say it has some potential of getting there,” he says.

You nearly choke on a pepper upon seeing Maverick’s expression transform from mild amusement to unequivocal displeasure. His jaw muscles contract as he forcefully stabs at his dinner with a fork.

Sam clears his throat nervously and speaks in a noticeably higher pitch, “Of course, I can’t predict the future.”

You roll your eyes and put a hand on Sam’s shoulder. “It’s none of his business, anyway,” you say.

To Maverick’s left, you see Charlie’s jaw drop slightly in her shock at your informal – bordering on impolite – addition to the conversation with your superior officer.

Cyclone chuckles quietly, finally appeased by your interaction with Maverick. “At last, something we can all agree on.”

Maverick smiles politely. “I was just making small talk,” he says, laying his fork down without finishing his meal.

Cyclone gives him a flat look and leans forward to address his friend. “Charlie, how long are you in town?”

While Charlie and Cyclone engage in conversation, Maverick catches your gaze inquisitively, as if he’s trying to figure you out. His eyes are so penetrating, you feel like he can see right through you. He must know that your relationship with Sam isn’t even close to being serious. He must know that you’re probably going to break it off that very evening. He must know you only brought him because you were hurt and you wanted to hurt him back. Because Maverick has reconnected with someone of significance and is involved in something meaningful.

You tear your gaze away from him irritably. You’re about done letting Maverick stir up your emotions without so much as saying a word. You’re about done caring for a man who’s done nothing but cause you pain.

You rise from your seat and excuse yourself, heading for the bathroom near the back of the restaurant. No sooner do you break through the door, than you collapse onto the nearest sink and break down. You don’t even care that your mascara is leaving streaks down your cheeks, or that the tears are clouding your vision. You don’t even care that your hands are gripping the basin so tightly that your fingers are cramping.

You glance up at your reflection in the mirror; pathetic. How did you let yourself fall this far? This hard? This fast? You run the tap and dab some cool water on your skin, patting at the trails of makeup that your crying spell has left behind.

You take a deep breath, staring at your glistening face with a scowl, preparing yourself for the remainder of the evening. But just as you make your way for the door, it opens, and Maverick enters.

You jerk back in surprise, despite his history of showing up in places he isn’t supposed to be.

“Are you okay?” he asks.

You panic. He knows. He knows that you ran away to cry. And this makes you furious. “I’m fine,” you respond curtly. “You shouldn’t be in here,” you add, gesturing to the door behind him.

He pulls his eyebrows together like he isn’t quite convinced. “You’re not okay,” he says.

You grit your teeth in anger. He can’t just ignore you for weeks and then try to comfort you like he gives a shit about your feelings. “Why are you here, Maverick?”

Maverick presses his lips into a thin line and breathes out steadily. “I was worried about you.”

You scoff resentfully. “Don’t be.”

Maverick sighs and lowers his head. “I can’t help it.”

You attempt to keep your voice even despite all the shaking your body is doing. “You better go, Captain,” you say spitefully. “Before Cyclone finds us. Or Charlie.”

He watches you soberly. “You asked me to stay,” he reminds you.

You stare wistfully into his eyes. He’s right, of course. You’re the reason he’s still here. Your relationship with him has been strained but civil since the incident on the carrier. There has been a mutual effort to avoid unnecessary encounters, and an unspoken understanding that, while romance is out of the question, it will take some time for both of you to move on completely. Obviously, you did not expect him to move on by moving in on someone new. Or old, in the case of Charlie, because the two of them go way back, apparently.

You struggle to remember why you’d wanted this – wanted him to stay despite knowing that nothing would ever come of it. In the moment, you were desperate not to lose him. But watching him carry on as though nothing ever happened between the two of you is absolute torture. You’d rather not witness just how little you actually meant to him.

You shrug. “Error in judgement, I guess,” you respond coldly, echoing his words from the night Cyclone had caught the two of you in the parking lot of the Hard Deck.

Maverick nods. “Been there,” he says pensively before turning to walk out. Just before he does, however, he glances back at you and adds, “I’ll wait out here until you’re ready.”

“Don’t,” you say.

Maverick meets your gaze with a weary look. “I’m not leaving.”

“What’s Cyclone going to think when the two of us come back together from the bathroom?”

Maverick shrugs. “I have no control over what Cyclone thinks.”

“What’s Charlie going to think?”

Maverick pauses in the doorway. “What’s Sam going to think?”

You roll your eyes. “He won’t even notice.”

Maverick watches you quietly for a moment, then says. “I doubt that very much.”

You lick your lips as a fresh round of tears threatens to obscure your eyesight. The fact that Sam isn’t here to check on you but Maverick is has not escaped you. “Go, please,” you whisper.

Maverick wavers slightly on the spot and, after a brief interval, holds his hand out to you. You glance down at it hesitantly as your stomach flips violently at the though of touching him again. Clearly, you’re angry with him, but the part of you that loves him always wins.

Slowly, you step forward and place your hand in his. He pulls you in the moment you make contact, wrapping his arms around you as he releases the door to the bathroom. He lets his face drop, pressing his mouth to the top of your head.

After a prolonged – mostly silent – embrace, you detach yourself from his arms and give him a nod. “I’m ready,” you say.

Maverick nods back without a word and then opens the door for you.

…

It’s past midnight when you hear the knocking, followed by some irregular footsteps and a string of quiet – but still audible – curse words. After a moment of hesitation, you unlock the door.

“Captain?”

Maverick is standing in the corridor before you, although calling it ‘standing’ might be a bit of a stretch. He’s not exactly stable on his feet.

You glance up and down the hallway to make sure that no one has seen him. “What are you doing here?”

Maverick is watching you with a squared jaw, as though he means to keep the purpose of his visit to himself. He breathes his frustration out through his nose before veering right into the doorframe.

“Sir!” you exclaim, grabbing a hold of his arm like you might have any chance of keeping him upright were he to topple over.

“Sir?” he murmurs, and you could smell the liquor on his breath. He catches your gaze now that you’re closer and, in another moment, his eyes begin to slip down your face before they finally close. “I told you,” he says, his mouth twitching as he grimaces. He pushes past you into the room.

You quickly close the door behind him, hoping nobody heard the commotion. Praying he’ll have the sense to keep his voice down.

But Maverick, it seems, isn’t nearly as concerned as you are about disturbing your neighbors. He rounds on you with a resentful expression and shakes his head. “I knew this would happen.”

You blink at him in confusion. “What?” you say. “What happened?”

“You happened,” Maverick says defeatedly. He takes a step toward you, his eyes flitting between yours as if he’s checking to see if you can relate.

But it’s a weekday and you had just drifted off to sleep when he’d started drumming on your door, so you’re not exactly following. You furrow your eyebrows. “I happened to what?” you ask.

Maverick watches you miserably, taking a step back now, as though he can’t decide which is worse: being closer or farther away from the source of all his troubles. “You two make a fine pair,” he manages to say, but not without a break in his voice.

You purse your lips, looking away from him. You’re not going to comfort a man who’s standing in his own way. After all, it was his decision not to be with you. Besides, Maverick brought his own date to the dinner, so you aren’t feeling overly sympathetic.

Maverick tears his gaze away from you and smacks a hand over his face. “What am I doing here, Lieutenant?”

It’s a fair question, to be sure; one you wouldn’t mind knowing the answer to, yourself. But you’re more immediately concerned about the consequences of Maverick’s unsanctioned visit to your quarters than the reasons behind it. “Maverick, it’s the middle of the night,” you say, shocked at how firm you sound despite the tremor travelling through you.

Maverick’s eyebrows converge and he shifts his jaw as his eyes well up with tears. “Yeah,” he whispers, nodding slowly.

“And you’re drunk,” you add when he takes a step toward you again.

“I am,” he admits, still in a whisper.

You ignore the stutter of your heart as he nears. “You can’t be here,” you warn.

He watches you wretchedly, giving his head a subtle shake. “I can’t,” he agrees.

You can hardly breathe when he finally stops before you, his soft eyes trailing down your face. His hand is coasting up the side of your neck before you even know what’s happening, and by the time his fingertips are hovering at the nape of your neck, you’re so lost in his gaze, it’s a miracle you’re still standing. Unsurprisingly, you aren’t in the state of mind to respond.

“I lied,” he says with a slight rasp despite the effort he’s exerting to steady his voice. “I think he’s terrible for you.”

You blink at him, taken aback. “Excuse me?”

“Sam,” he says. “He’s not the one.”

You pride yourself on your patience and understanding, even in trying circumstances; you’re not an unreasonable person by any means. But even you have limits. And, tonight, Maverick is testing every last one. “Are you the one?”

Maverick stares at you, his eyes swimming. Slowly, he shakes his head. “No, I’m not.”

You breathe out forcefully, astonished at his audacity. There is only so much you can let this man get away with. “Then, respectfully, shut the fuck up,” you hiss, pushing past him aggressively. You whip around sharply and point at the door. “Get out.”

…

The following afternoon in the briefing room, Maverick reviews the morning's flight footage with barely a look in your direction. He doesn’t even comment on the impulsive maneuver you pulled that left your partner confused and resulted in an uncoordinated hustle to regain momentum, costing your team valuable seconds that could have ended in tragedy were it a real dogfight.

Once the briefing is finished and the room begins to clear out, Maverick approaches your desk. “Can I have a minute, Lieutenant?” he asks in a subdued sort of tone.

You glance up at him grudgingly but don’t respond until the last of the pilots have left the room. “Is it about the Cobra Climb?” you ask monotonously.

“What?” He quirks his head in confusion before briefly closing his eyes and shaking his head. “No,” he says, and then adds, more emphatically, “No.” He lets out a heavy sigh and lifts a leg over the chair in front of your desk, sitting on it backwards to face you. “I want to apologize to you.”

You groan. “Not again.”

Maverick steals a glance at the door, ensuring that the two of you are still alone, and then he lays a hand over yours on the desk. “I’m sorry about last night. Showing up at your place – less than sober.” Maverick lowers his gaze with a disappointed frown. “I – I had no right. I have no right,” he says, looking back up at you. His eyes flit between yours imploringly, burdened with all the guilt he carries.

“Stop,” you say assertively, pulling your hand out from under his grasp. You can’t listen to another word. This entire relationship has been a series of failures in self-control, each one a ‘mistake’ in Maverick’s eyes for which he subsequently has taken full responsibility. You rise from your seat and gather your things mutely.

“Y/N,” he says hoarsely, standing up after you.

You shake your head. “I don’t need another apology, sir,” you say bitterly. “I just need some space.”

Maverick nods. “Of course,” he says. “And I’ve been denying you that – and I apologize –”

“I said, stop!” you exclaim, shooting him a threatening look.

Maverick trails you as you make your way to the door – the exact opposite of your request. You rush out of the briefing room, and he follows, not far behind. Thankfully, there’s no one in the hallway because he’s behaving irrationally, to say the least. He reaches for your arm and pulls you around to face him.

You gulp, staggering the moment you meet his gaze, the aching in his eyes undermining your determination.

“Let me finish,” he pleads in a whisper.

You exhale sharply. “Finish, then.”

Maverick slowly lets his hand fall away from your arm now that you’re no longer a flight risk and, this alone, hurts, because you want him to hold you forever. Even when you’re fuming, even when you’re yelling, even when you hate him.

“Seeing you,” he says slowly, evenly, as though he’s trying to compose himself as he’s talking. He takes a breath and tries again. “With another man –”

“Come on.” You scoff, even though your heart is already buzzing at the thrill of making Maverick jealous. “You can’t expect me to not date –”

“I don’t expect that,” he says. “Doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt.”

You think about the way you felt seeing him with Charlie and you’re instantly sorry for causing him that much pain, regardless of whether it was intentional or not.

“I was angry,” he says quietly. “At myself, mostly…” he trails off, moving his head to the side and lowering his gaze. “But also at you. And I blamed you for the way you make me feel.” He pulls his bottom lip under his teeth and grimaces. “But that’s not your fault,” he whispers shakily. “That’s on me.”

You bite into your lip to keep it steady. You wish you could look away because the devastation on his face is undoing you, but you aren’t strong enough. You take a step back and take a shuddering breath. “Please don’t look at me like that,” you say, your voice unsteady. You can barely get a grasp on his words because you’re too absorbed in his eyes.

Maverick’s eyebrows lift inward, as if your request has him concerned – or confused. “Like what?”

You roll your eyes – as if he doesn’t know like what. “Like that!” you respond as he takes a step toward you in alarm. “Just stop!” You sigh in frustration, unable to articulate your thoughts because his eyes are still commanding all of your attention.

“Where am I supposed to look?” he asks, agitated.

“It’s the way you’re looking at me,” you explain angrily.

“Are you listening to what I’m saying?” he asks urgently. “I need you to hear me.”

You shut your eyes and shake your head. “Enough, Maverick!” you exclaim.

Maverick stills immediately, watching you uneasily.

“You’ve been tiptoeing around me, treating me like I’m injured or in need of assistance –”

“I’m not –”

“You are and I’m tired of it. Why didn’t you call me out on the Cobra Climb?”

Maverick stares at you like you’re unhinged. “You want me to reprimand you?”

You let out a heavy sigh. “If you’re going to be my instructor – just my instructor – then instruct me. It was an idiot move and I shouldn’t have done it.”

“You were distracted –”

“You’re making excuses for me! Why?”

“Don’t question my teaching methods,” Maverick says in a low voice.

You scoff, shaking your head. “You’re afraid of confrontation so you’ve been avoiding me. You didn’t even think to give me a heads up about Charlie!”

Maverick narrows his eyes. “What about Charlie?”

“Whatever,” you grumble. “Just don’t stand here and proclaim that my bringing a date to the squadron dinner somehow threw you for a loop.”

Maverick studies you silently so you boldly meet his gaze. His jaw is set but there’s a tenderness in his eyes that nearly draws you in.

“Stop coddling me,” you say firmly.

You watch his Adam’s apple rise then fall as he gulps down whatever retort he decides to keep to himself. His jaw muscles contract once more as his eyes settle over your face.

You tear your gaze away. “And quit looking at me like you…” You sigh, unsure how to describe the inimitable combination of exasperation and affection you see in his eyes.

“Like what?” he asks, his voice rising in volume. You can tell that he’s becoming increasingly defensive as your blows continue.

You’re annoyed that he’s annoyed and you blurt the words out before you can stop yourself. “Like you’re in love with me or –”

“I CAN’T LOOK AT YOU ANY OTHER WAY!” he roars.

You freeze. Stunned by the volume of his voice. Stunned by the emphatic delivery. Stunned at his words.

He turns away in a huff, placing one hand on his hip while the other is balled up into a fist at his mouth.

“This was your idea,” you say quietly as he slowly turns back to look at you. You aren’t the one who refuses to even try, and he needs to acknowledge that.

“I know,” he whispers, his eyes brimming with tears.

You clench your teeth to keep your mouth from trembling. “Then stop,” you implore.

He shakes his head, pulling his lips into a rigid line. “I don’t know how.”

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snooperzz · 14 days ago

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Back on You- pt. 3

Part 3 to this story !! Robert "Bob" Reynolds x female!Reader/OC (ft. Peter Quill) Word count: 5.4k Warnings: angst, self-deprecative thoughts Note: this is written in third person & reader/oc is unnamed! you can also read this story on ao3 :)

She didn’t think she had ever been as nervous as she was at this moment, riding in Alexei’s limo to the airport. Which was a crazy thought, considering the trajectory of her life up until that point. She helped save the galaxy multiple times, fighting egotistical, crazed lunatics. But, for some reason, this was going to be what broke her? This is what made her so nauseous she might puke her guts out, despite not even eating anything this morning simply because of how nervous she was?

She dragged her hands across her face. She felt light headed. Maybe she should just tell Alexei to turn around. Maybe she wasn’t as ready as she thought she was. Maybe this was a bad idea.

She had decided on it a few weeks ago, sitting out on the penthouse’s balcony with Bob. It had become a routine of theirs. After the team’s “family dinner,” or whatever group activity Alexei coerced everyone to do every night, she and Bob would go outside and just talk, filling each other in on their days.

She was leaning her head against Bob’s shoulder, admiring the city below them as it lit up the night sky. She began to wonder if Peter had ever been to New York City, if he would like it.

It wasn’t a totally random thought. They had kept in touch the past couple of months, ever since their phone call, sending texts here and there to see how the other was doing. And this more consistent communication had caught the attention of her teammates. Really, their attention had been caught back when they walked in on her phone call that day. Ever since then, they constantly pestered her about when Peter was “finally going to visit.”

She had been dealing with this internal struggle for a while. The fight between the side of her that missed Peter so much she didn’t care about the what-ifs of him meeting her new friends. Her new family. But there was still the other side. The side that cared a little too much. The side that was still hurt by the loneliness he caused, whether he meant to or not.

But that side of her also knew that he was trying now. To be there for her. The weekly texts from him said enough, reminding her to stay safe on missions or asking what TV shows she was currently watching (and of course, giving her plenty of suggestions).

So, in the comfort that came with the gentle stillness of the night, curled up next to Bob, she whispered, “I think I’m going to invite Peter to New York.”

Bob shifted, turning to look at her.

“Really?”

“I think so.” She sat up, turning to face him head on. “Why? Do you think it’s a bad idea?”

“No,” he replied immediately. “I guess I’m just a little surprised.” He tried to give her a reassuring smile, but she could see it didn’t quite meet his eyes. There was still worry in them as he watched her carefully.

She looked back at him for a moment, trying to decipher what he was really thinking. He didn’t seem totally opposed to her idea. She wasn’t sure why he would be, he was the one who suggested it in the first place, after she told him about her phone call with Peter. But at the same time, he didn’t seem totally for the idea either.

“I don’t know. We’ve just been texting for a while, and I think he’d like it here,” she stated, a defensive edge to her voice. “Plus, it would probably be good for me to see him again.”

Bob didn’t say anything at first. He just nodded silently, turning to stare out into the night.

Her eyebrows furrowed at his lack of response. She didn’t understand. Did he really think it was a bad idea but was too afraid to tell her? She gave him a hard look.

“I wish you’d just tell me what you were thinking.”

His eyes widened, and he shifted to sit up too. “Yeah, sorry,” he sputtered, eyes flicking back and forth between her and the city skyline. “I don’t know– I just,” he swallowed hard. “I just don’t want you to feel pressured to invite him here or anything. I know you’ve been hesitant to…and everyone teasing you so much about it lately probably hasn’t helped.”

“You think I shouldn’t.”

“No, that’s not what I’m saying,” he pushed back. He grabbed her arm, gentle enough that she could pull away if she really wanted to, and he looked at her. Really looked at her. He said her name softly before continuing, “I– I just want you to do this because you want to. Not because you think it's what the rest of us want. Including Peter.”

She breathed in, taking in his words. Looking right back at him.

“I just think if I don’t do this now…I probably never will.”

She went to Bucky about it the next day. He was surprised by her decision, but he and Yelena wasted no time meeting with Valentina to get approval for Peter to visit the Watchtower. Really, this approval wasn’t very hard to get, given the dirt the team held over Valentina’s career. That, along with Peter's help in the battle against Thanos, sealed the deal, and soon, the arrangements were made.

Valentina’s team organized for Peter to be flown out to New York for one day. It wasn’t as long as she had anticipated, but given the hectic, often unreliable schedule of the team, it was hard to set more than one day aside. Valentina was not exactly happy about the entire situation, either, and was sure to pointedly remind them they couldn’t just take a week off work.

She told herself that one day was better than nothing. Peter didn’t seem to mind anyway, agreeing to the plan immediately. Neither did the rest of her team. It was a rare occasion having someone from outside their little group, especially a friend, come to visit the Watchtower. They had even begun making their own arrangements for his visit, much to her dismay.

“What kind of food does he like? Maybe we could do a lunch-slash-dinner thing?” John suggested as the team was gathered in the kitchen, making their way through his carefully-curated taco bar. It was a Tuesday night, and he had a strict rule that every Tuesday was “Taco Tuesday,” which was apparently something his family always did growing up.

She shrugged her shoulders, slopping some beef onto her taco. “I don’t know. I haven’t seen him in years. Last food I remember him eating is probably zarg-nuts.”

John let out an exasperated sigh. “What the hell are zarg-nuts?”

“Obviously some sort of space food,” Ava interjected, shooting him an unimpressed look. “She grew up there.”

“I know that,” he retaliated. “I’m not stupid. Jesus. Sorry for expecting a normal answer every once and a while.”

“They’re like…nuts, I guess,” she tried to explain the food lamely.

“That’s great,” John deadpanned, giving her a flat look.

“Hopefully he’s coming on a Tuesday, so you won’t have to think too hard,” Ava quipped, launching a scoop of sour cream at him with her spoon.

As the two began to bicker, she felt a large hand land on her shoulder, almost causing her to drop her entire plate of food.

“I have great news, my friend,” Alexei announced, coming up beside her with his own plate. “You will be so excited!”

She swallowed, the sickening feeling that she would probably not be excited about this news slowly creeping up her body. “...What is it?”

“I will take you to pick up Peter in my limo!” He waved his arms around, thrilled by his own words.

“Oh.” She could feel the blood drain from her face. Oh no. “You don’t have to–”

“Nonsense! I already ask Valentina. She says it’s fine,” he waved her objection away.

She swallowed hard, and gave him a tight smile. “Oh. Then that’s great.” She turned back to her tacos, loading them up with cheese as she tried to not think about the growing pit of anxiety in her stomach. She didn’t know why she felt like this. She should be excited, Peter was practically her brother. So why was a small part of her almost dreading seeing him again?

“Are you alright?” Yelena asked, eyeing her from across the kitchen.

“Mm hmm,” she nodded stiffly, moving to sit down next to Bob at the dining table. He gave her arm a reassuring squeeze as she took her seat and passed her a cup of water.

Yelena lifted her eyebrows, not convinced by her response, but before she could say anything else, Bucky spoke up.

“Are you guys planning to do anything when he gets here?”

“Uh, I’m not sure. Maybe just go for a walk and…catch up, I guess.” She took a sip of her water, trying to hide behind her cup.

John snorted. “Sounds like you’ve got it all figured out– ow.” He glowered at Ava, who smacked the back of his head.

“Can you not be an asshole for like three seconds?” she accused.

He scoffed. “I’m not being an asshole!”

As the two began to argue once again, other conversations broke out around the table. She took a deep breath, thankful to not be at the center of the group’s attention anymore. Bucky leaned in closer to her from across the table, looking at her sincerely.

“A walk sounds nice. I’m sure he’ll appreciate whatever you decide to do.”

“Yes! Because you are family!” Alexei butted in, slamming his hands down on the table. A smile was plastered across his face. “Always good to see family again. Right, Yelena?”

Yelena nodded, trying to hide the smile creeping onto her own, “It is fine, I guess.”

She watched as Alexei wrapped an arm around his daughter, squeezing her tightly to his side, and let out a small laugh.

“What’s he like?” Bob asked, before adding, “I mean, we’ve heard a little bit about him, but is there anything else we should know before he’s here?”

She thought about his question for a moment, trying to figure out how to describe her friend.

“I don’t know. I guess…he’s a really caring guy. Definitely a nerd.” She smiled to herself before continuing, “He always made references to movies and TV shows he watched back on Earth even though none of us knew what he was talking about. He loves music. I think he got that from his mom.”

“He sounds pretty cool,” Bob offered.

“He is, yeah,” she agreed. She giggled before adding, “Just don’t tell him I said that. He’s got a big head.”

Bob let out a quiet laugh, moving to say something else before he was interrupted by John, who had just decided to tune back into their conversation.

“Wait, he has a big head? Is that like an alien thing?”

She furrowed her eyebrows at his question. “What?”

“Like is his head abnormally large? Bigger than ours?” He motioned to everyone sitting at the table, and they all looked at him like his own head had grown five sizes.

“No,” she huffed out a surprised laugh. “I just meant he can be cocky sometimes. Bigheaded.”

“Did your super soldier serum destroy all of your critical thinking skills?” Ava asked, causing John to roll his eyes.

“Maybe it just enhanced the dumb blonde in him,” Bucky egged on, taking a sip of his drink.

“Okay, I get it.” John held his hands up in mock surrender. “We’re all making fun of me tonight. But it’s not a far off assumption, okay? She literally told us a few days ago this guy’s dad was a planet. He’s gotta have some alien genes in him.”

She laughed as he defended himself. He did kind of have a point.

“Don’t worry,” she assured. “The size of his head is completely normal.”

As Alexei’s limo pulled up to the airport, anxiety still stirred in the pit of her stomach. But there was some excitement there too. Anticipation.

“You go on ahead, I will wait here for you both,” Alexei urged her, leaning across to open her door.

She attempted to wipe the sweat off her clammy hands before climbing out. As she rounded around the vehicle, Alexei called out her name.

“I almost forgot!” he shouted, turning to grab something from the back of his seat. He pulled out a poster and shoved it through the window at her.

“What is this?” Her words came out slow, and she looked at him cautiously.

“A welcome sign! So he knows you’re the one picking him up!”

“I’m pretty sure he’ll recognize me, Alexei. At least, I’d hope he would,” she commented, opening up the poster. Across the white background, the “Star-Lord” was scrawled out with a black marker. Great. She tried to hide her alarm as she internally berated herself for bringing up Peter’s superhero name.

“What? You don’t like it?” Alexei questioned. “That is his name, no?”

“No, no, it’s a great sign,” she assured him. “He’ll love it, yeah.” It was true. He would.

She wasn’t sure if she really wanted to hold a large sign with Peter’s rarely-used-often-mocked superhero name on it. But he would probably get a kick out of it. And it would make Alexei happy. She nodded, more to herself than to him, before continuing, “I’m gonna go get him. I’ll be back soon.”

She walked into the large crowd of people, keeping her eyes locked on the large sliding glass doors ahead. Numerous passengers exited the airport looking for their family, their friends, or their ride to the next destination. She held up Alexei’s handcrafted sign in her hands, desperately avoiding the eyes of those around her as they curiously looked between her and the poster.

Then, finally, she saw him.

He looked different. His hair was a little bit longer and wilder, fiery curls framing his face. His beard was fuller, and this was probably the first time she had ever seen him wearing normal clothes. Instead of a spacesuit or Ravagers uniform, he wore a flannel and jeans. But, naturally, he still had his favorite backpack slung over his shoulder, the one he had kept ever since Yondu stole him from Earth as a kid.

He didn’t see her at first, but when his eyes finally landed on her, it felt like the whole world stopped. Like everyone around them had disappeared. For a moment, they both paused, looking at each other from across the crowd. Then, he adjusted the backpack on his shoulder and beelined towards her, sending small apologies to everyone he brushed passed along the way.

When he made it to her, he pulled her in, wrapping her up in a tight embrace. Just like the one all those years ago, when they were fighting Thanos’ army. Except this time, he didn’t let go.

“Hey, kid,” he whispered, leaning back to look at her. His eyes danced all around her, taking her in. “Everytime I see you, you look even more grown up.”

She snorted, rolling her eyes playfully. “That is how time works.”

He chuckled, moving his hand up to scruff up her hair as she tried and failed to swat him away. “It’s good to see you again. Like really good.”

“Yeah, you too,” she returned. Matching grins spread across their faces.

“Woah, wait a minute.” He reached for the welcome sign she still gripped tightly in her hand. “What’s this?” he prodded, lifting an eyebrow as he read what it said.

“It’s a welcome sign,” she huffed, shaking her head as a stupid smirk began to grow on his face.

“You made this?”

“No, Alexei did.”

As if on cue, she heard her name being hollered, and they both looked behind her. Alexei stood outside his limo, waving his hands around as he jumped up and down.

“Is that him?!” he shouted to them from the road, effectively gaining the attention of everyone around them. “Is that Star-Lord?!”

She hung her head in embarrassment, grabbing Peter’s arm to guide him to the limo and get out of there as fast as possible. She heard him chuckle from behind her. “I see my reputation precedes me.”

She scoffed at his joke. “Yeah, you wish.”

“We are back, my friends!” Alexei’s voice thundered through the penthouse as the Watchtower’s elevator doors opened.

His announcement, however, was unnecessary. The rest of the team was already standing near the entrance, eagerly waiting for the three to walk through the doors. They looked at the three expectantly as they stepped out of the elevator.

She had tried to convince them not to wait around all day for them to get back, but clearly, that had been useless. It was obvious they had been hovering around the penthouse’s living area all morning, anticipating the elevator’s chime.

She swallowed hard. This was it. There was no going back now. Really, the point of no return was back when she sent the invitation text to Peter. For some reason, though, this felt more final. Peter was here, after all these years, actually meeting her new friends. Her new family.

“Okay guys, this is, uh, Peter.” Her words came out more quiet than she meant for them to, but she still gestured to him as he walked up beside her. He lifted his hand up in an awkward wave, adjusting his backpack.

“You met Alexei,” she continued, looking at Peter, before moving on to introduce the rest of her new friends. They each gave him a small greeting as she stated their names until she landed on the last introduction. “And this is Bob,” she stated, offering a small smile.

“Bob?” Peter grinned widely. “Boyfriend Bob?”

She let out a cough, nearly choking on her own breath. Her eyes grew, and she could feel her cheeks heat up as she looked over to Bob, who was already staring wide-eyed at her. Before anyone either of them could say anything further, Peter stepped up to Bob.

“Nice to finally meet you, Boyfriend Bob,” he smiled, holding out his hand for a shake with a smile as cocky as ever.

Bob sputtered for a moment, looking between her and the man in front of him. Finally, he gave a quick nod and gripped Peter’s hand firmly.

“Y–you too.”

The rest of them watched this interaction in silence. The only form of communication between each other were brief side-eyes and questioning looks. All of them unsure what to say or do. She could feel the awkward tension enveloping the room. It was almost suffocating.

Peter turned to look at the rest of them as he dropped Bob’s hand. When his eyes finally landed on her, noticing her beet-red face and saucer-sized eyes, he backtracked, “It’s nice to finally meet all of you, of course.”

Yelena was the first to speak up, and she tried to hide the smirk developing across her face. “It’s nice to meet you too.”

Everyone hummed in agreement, nodding their heads. As they mumbled their own greetings to the new visitor, Yelena looked over to the girl and lifted her eyebrows.

She took Yelena’s hint and cleared her throat, catching everyone’s attention. “Yeah, uh, thanks for saying hi, guys,” she stated, giving everyone a thankful smile. “I think I’m gonna just show Peter around, but, uh, we should be back in time for dinner.”

They all began to break apart, with the rest of her team promising to see them later. She gave a few appreciative nods before turning back to Peter and let out a breath she didn’t know she had been holding.

She tilted her head towards the hallway. “Come on, I’ll show you my room.”

Her room really wasn’t much, and she realized this as she led him inside. It wasn’t a surprising realization. She didn’t have a lot of stuff. When she decided to stick around on Earth, she didn’t have anything except for Peter’s walkman, her pager, and the clothes on her back. A result of living on spaceships for so long, and the glorified closet she had moved into after finally getting her own place did not help matters.

It wasn’t like her room was barren, it had definitely been lived in. There were various posters of her favorite artists and movies scattered across the walls. A few books from Bob stacked on her desk, along with a small radio nestled beside a box of CDs and cassette tapes. A giant, fluffy rug was spread out across the floor, taken from the thrift store where she had landed her first job after moving to New York.

Her bed looked the most lived in, covered with pillows and throw blankets. A board game rested on top, abandoned by her and Bob. She had been restless the night before, the anticipation of seeing Peter consuming her brain, so he stayed up with her to play Clue.

Peter didn’t say anything at first, he just stood for a moment in the middle of her room, looking around, taking everything in. It was odd, seeing him stand there. She felt like her worlds were colliding, like her past had opened up a portal into her future.

“Oh shit,” he said suddenly, eyeing the edge of her desk. He walked over and picked up his old walkman, turning to look at her. “You still have this stuff?”

She lifted her eyebrows and let out a quiet scoff. “Of course I do.” She pointed to the pager that had been sitting right next to it. “How do you think I got the number you sent me?”

He nodded, lifting his hand to pinch his nose. “Right. Duh.”

“Was the flight okay?” She moved to her bed, picking up the abandoned board game to sit criss-crossed on it.

“Not too bad,” he responded. He pulled out her desk chair and sat down across from her. “Some turbulence, but I’ve been through worse.”

She breathed out a laugh as they fell into a stiff silence. The kind of quiet that comes around when you haven’t seen a friend in a while, and neither of you really know what to say.

“So you’re an Avenger now, huh?”

She cringed at the question. The public’s response to Valentina’s announcement hadn’t been exactly welcoming, and she still wasn’t used to the title. Or comfortable with it, really. Sure, she was a Guardian before living in New York, but she wouldn’t call herself a hero based on her track record on Earth.

“I guess, yeah,” she responded, grabbing a pillow from beside her and clutching it to her chest.

“How’d that happen?” he shook his head in disbelief, grinning. He looked proud, but she wasn’t sure if she deserved his praise.

She caught him up on the past few years of her life. She told him about her move to New York. How she worked at a dingy thrift store for a while, until one day, a woman who was dressed way too nice to be there walked up to her, offering her a new job that paid more. Much more.

She had needed that money. Badly. She could barely afford her rent at the time, and as a result, she didn’t have enough money for food or more clothes. So, she put her Ravager skills to work, sneaking cup noodles and granola bars into her pockets from the local CVS. Her scores grew and grew, until eventually, she was caught. Bucky was the one who bailed her out. He was pissed, of course. He had tried to help her out when he first heard about her money issues, insisting she could move back in with him, but she refused, not wanting to add on to his stress. Ironic. And her slip-up had led her right into Valentina’s grip.

She told Peter about the O.X.E. vault and meeting the rest of her team. About how they worked together to fight against the Void. How Valentina stepped in and did what she did best, manipulating the entire situation to her own benefit. They fell into an easy conversation, talking about her life.

Then, it was Peter’s turn. He told her the Guardians had separated from Thor eventually, moving on to their own adventures. He told her about the headquarters the Guardians set up on Knowhere. He said it had been rough at first, living without her and Gamora. He began to drift away from the rest of the group, falling into a drunken stupor, and it wasn’t until they had to save Rocket that he finally pulled himself together. And he realized he needed to come back to Earth.

Wait. What? She felt her heart plummet.

His eyes widened as he realized what he had said. “Don’t freak out–”

“You saved Rocket? What does that mean?” She spoke at the same time, interrupting him.

“Well, one of the Sovereign ambushed the place looking for him,” Peter started, words coming out too quickly as he tried to explain. “Rocket got shot, and when we tried to use the med-pack on him, it tripped the kill switch on his heart, but we–”

“A kill switch?” she choked out. Her throat felt dry, and her face paled.

“He’s fine now,” Peter tried to assure her, but she was already standing up, pacing around her room.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” she accused. Her voice came out louder than she meant for it to. She realized everyone could probably hear her from the living area, but she couldn’t bring herself to care.

“I don’t know, we were a little bit busy saving his life,” he defended himself.

“You could have at least sent something on the pager,” she bit back.

“He was dying! Was I supposed to drop everything just to tell you? I had given you that pager years ago and never heard anything!”

“What? So I was supposed to just magically know that something happened to Rocket and reach out?”

“No, it would have been pointless! You were on Earth,” he scoffed. “Maybe you shouldn’t have left us. Then you would’ve been there.”

Silence followed.

She looked at him. He was standing now, jaw clenched, nose flared. His eyes were sharp, boring into her own. She shook her head, fighting against the burning in her eyes.

“So that’s it? It’s my fault?”

He blinked at her words, his hard expression slipping.

“No, I didn’t mean that,” his voice was quieter now, and he reached out to grab her arm.

She dodged his hand, backing up towards her bedroom door.

“I just,” she started. She looked at the floor, blinking rapidly. Avoiding his gaze. “I need a minute.”

And she was gone.

She ended up at the park. It was growing dark outside, stars peaking through the sky. She found a bench along the trail, and that was where she sat now, face buried into her hands as her mind twisted around her conversation with Peter.

She couldn’t believe it.

Rocket had almost died and she hadn’t even been there. Maybe Peter was right. Maybe if she hadn’t abandoned him, abandoned Rocket, things would’ve turned out differently.

Maybe if she hadn’t been so focused on Peter and Gamora…maybe if she had just been grateful for what she had and not so caught up on what she wanted, she would’ve just stayed with the guardians. Then she could’ve been there for them when they needed it, instead of wandering aimlessly on earth with no friends. No family.

She knew it was stupid, running away out here and throwing a pity party for herself. And deep down she knew she didn’t regret staying on this planet. If she hadn’t, she would’ve never met her new family. She would’ve never met Bob.

“You okay?”

Speak of the devil. She stiffened, rubbing her eyes as she sat up and looked over. Bob stood there awkwardly. His hands grasped tightly together as he leaned side to side, clearly trying to decide whether or not he should sit down next to her.

She shrugged, trying to turn away and hide how red her face had become from crying.

He approached her slowly, carefully sitting down next to her. “What happened?”

She finally looked over at him, and the look on his face was enough to send her into another spiral. He looked at her so gently, as if the answer to his question was deep within her eyes.

She sniffled, looking down at the pavement.

“I just found out one of my old friends almost died. Rocket.”

Bob was quiet for a moment, watching her closely, trying to decipher what was going on in her head.

“But he’s okay?”

“Yeah,” she huffed. “No thanks to me.”

His eyebrows creased. “Well, there was no way for you to know,” he reasoned.

“I would’ve known if I had been there. If I hadn’t abandoned the Guardians to stay on Earth for no reason.”

“It wasn’t for no reason, though.”

She rolled her eyes. Not at him but at herself.

“It was a selfish reason,” she protested. “I was so caught up in the Peter-Gamora of it all. If I had just stuck by their side instead of running away, maybe I could’ve stopped anything from happening to Rocket.”

Bob shook his head. “You don’t know that.”

“Yeah, but–”

“Look, if I’ve learned anything from being around you and Yelena and everyone else, it’s not to focus on what you wish you had done differently. You didn’t make a mistake staying here. If you hadn’t, who knows what the Void would have done to New York. To me.”

“New York would have been fine,” she scoffed. “They had Bucky and Yelena and–”

“No,” Bob stated sharply. “It wouldn’t have been. I wouldn’t have been, okay?”

He turned to face her fully, wrapping an arm around her and pulling her close to his chest. He rested his chin on her head and continued. “I swear I don’t know what I’d do without you here.”

They both paused as they heard footsteps approaching. Bob kept her in his arms as she turned to see Peter in front of them, awkwardly scratching the back of his neck.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to interrupt. I just…uh, followed you out here because I wanted to, uh…apoligize.”

She felt Bob stiffen as he began to pull away. “S-sorry, I can go if you–”

“No, no, that’s okay,” Peter insisted. He looked at her, and she could see the regret in his eyes. “I don’t think Rocket’s accident was your fault. And I’m sorry I made it seem like I did. That’s not what I wanted this trip to be about…so I’m sorry.”

“I’m sorry for running away,” she croaked.

“You don’t have to be sorry for that,” Peter replied.

“No, I mean like running away from you guys. The Guardians."

“You don’t have to be sorry for that,” he repeated. “I mean it.”

He held his arms out before continuing, a glint in his eye. “I mean look at me, I’m back on Earth now.” He smiled at her, his eyes warm. “I think we all ended up right where we needed to be. Me with my grandpa, and you with Boyfriend Bob.”

She nearly choked as they both pulled away from each other, Bob coughing awkwardly.

“You can’t be serious for one conversation, can you?” she accused, trying to fight the growing smile on her face.

He laughed, “I’ve got a reputation to keep. Besides, you two were the ones all snuggled up when I got here.”

“You know, we should probably head back before the tacos get cold,” Bob suggested, looking at her with wide eyes.

“That’s a great idea, actually,” she quickly agreed, taking any excuse to avoid Peter’s insistence for awkward conversations.

Still, she realized she felt lighter, like a weight had finally been lifted off her shoulders. Finally, she had seen Peter again and knew he was okay.

She didn’t think she had ever been as happy as she was at this moment, walking with Bob and Peter back to the Watchtower. Which was a crazy thought, considering the trajectory of the night until that point. But despite everything, she was grateful that she was here with Peter. With Bob and the Thunderboltz. With her family.

#bob reynolds x reader #robert bob reynolds x reader #bob reynolds x oc #robert bob reynolds x oc #peter quill x reader #peter quill x oc

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marxistlesbianist · 2 months ago

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feel free to answer when you’re not drunk but can you elaborate on the material basis for why USian communist orgs dont believe in revolution? is what you’re saying basically that - to put it crudely - workers in the US are alienated from the means of production so they dont know shit about how production actually works and therefore don’t understand how it can be seized and altered to serve the proletariat?

Time to elaborate some on this post now that I'm awake and sober! 😁

Big disclaimer that these are largely my theories, which have yet to be proven or disproven through revolutionary practice!!! (I'm working on it. . . . 🙇‍♀️)

Yeah you've got my material analysis right--though I'm not sure if "alienated" is the correct word (maybe "estranged"? thought it's been a minute since I read The 1844 Manuscripts). To clarify, though, when I say "the material basis for this degraded self-confidence," I of course don't mean it in a sense of direct causality! The loss of revolutionary confidence is strictly the result of previous generations of communists in the US failing to accurately interpret their circumstances and put forward an appropriate plan of attack. The shift in the mode of production following the neo-liberal turn merely provided the soil for weeds, which communists failed to cut down. As George Jackson put it, "when revolution fails, [. . .] it's the fault of the vanguard party." [1]

In my analysis, there have been two main failures which lead us into our current dearth of revolutionary confidence: first the failure of the socialist workers movement in the 1930s, and second the failure of the socialist movements for national liberation (often called the New Left) in the 1970s.

The first failure I haven't studied as thoroughly, but my rough understanding is that the workers movement, which held strong communist influence at the dawn of the 20th century, was effectively blunted by the New Deal, through which FDR divided the working class by paying off white workers at the expense of the oppressed nationalities. CPUSA, which had thusfar only made stumbling progress on addressing issues of racism, was ill-equipped to navigate this rupture in its base, leaving it vulnerable enough for Uncle Sam to massacre the party's revolutionary spirit during the period of McCarthyism.

Then in the 1960s, the trajectory of the civil rights movment lead black USAmericans to start viewing their communities as an "internal colony" of US imperialism, which could be best liberated through the strategies of national liberation which had worked (or were working) in China, Korea, Cuba, and Vietnam (with fairly little attention paid to the USSR and Eastern Europe). The explosive impact of the Black Panther Party inspired the formation of a bunch of groups in racialized or otherwise oppressed communities (e.g., the Young Lords, the Brown Berets, the Red Guard Party, the American Indian Movement, the Gay Liberation Front, the Street Transvestite Action Revolutionaries, etc.), and whilst these groups did attempt to form a unified front against the DotB, [2] their movements ultimately failed to coalesce, and were stamped out as individually as they were formed. Imo, had there then been in the US a genuinely revolutionary communist party, with a basis of support within the proletariat, I would be blogging to-day from the United Socialist States of Turtle Island--instead, the trade unions largely rejected this movement, and even moved closer to the right to distance themselves from this tendancy! [3]

The labor movement here (such as it exists) has been largely devoid of socialist character for decades now, and a lot of the New Left veterans circled around to blaming the our proletariat for the period of intense counterrevolution that was the neo-liberal turn. When the Regan administration launched a comprehensive assault on the unions, communists were not there in enough force to organize a successful counter attack.

Imo, for communist revolution to succeed in the US we will need a movement that has a thorough counter to national/racial/sexual oppression, otherwise the DotB will continue to run us through their highly advanced proletariat-dividing-machine until Germany finally nukes us all. We also need a movement that is internationalist in its foundation, otherwise they will use imperial chauvanism to divert our cause! Personally, I'm skeptical that the US proletariat is even a revolutionary class at this point, as our immediate economic interest is to defend the empire that subsidizes our relative luxury. If anything, we're in a similar position to the French peasantry who voted Louis Bonaparte in 1848. But like the French (and the Russian, and Chinese, and Korean, etc.) peasants, we can recognize our long-term interests and rally behind a communist movement that successfuly demonstrates the importance of proletarian revolution!

This is why I continue to maintain that the cornerstone of US communism rn should be a proletarian movement against imperialism (that is, against the material infrastructure through which "our" government projects its global hegemony)! Of course, idk how to build this yet--but to all my followers in the US, let's make a deal: you go out and start communist organizing in your community, and we can meet up and check notes when one of us figures out how to advance the level of struggle. 😉

Blood in My Eye. Pg 14.

Most notably through the Revolutionary People's Constitutional Convention.

The effect of the Sino-Soviet Split on US socialism in this period is something I still need to properly study, but it feels wrong not to mention it at all here. My rough impression so far is that, as most established socialist states and older socialist organizations sided with the Soviets, the New Left who mostly sided with the PRC found themselves isolated from the global movement that had initially inspired them. But yeah this is just my impression from tertiary sources, so please please correct me if you know better. 🙏

#ask #thought cabinet #communism #get organized #we have nothing to lose but our chains. we have a world to win

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9lives2mics · 1 month ago

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Do you have any thoughts about the new teaser for S3? I didn’t like it 😢

Hello, dear anon. My initial thought when I saw the teaser was:

“Bet on hope? Why exactly?”

The teaser is completely focused on Daryl’s story, which is solidified by the title at the end that only features Daryl’s name. Daryl is still talking about the “friend” he’d known for a few weeks who told him to bet on hope, while Carol is shipbaited with someone she just met. The teaser made it clear that they ignored us. Daryl gets to do a lot of “badass” stuff while Carol appears briefly in a few scenes. She is sprinkled through the teaser to calm us down with no real drive. Reminds me too much of previous seasons in the flagship show.

From a marketing perspective, this feels completely unbalanced. A teaser is supposed to put your best foot forward and give a snapshot into what the show will be about while amplifying the tension to get people excited. This just riled me up, not in an “I’ll hate-watch it” way or “I guess I’ll check it out to see where it goes” way, but in a “thanks for confirming my fears, I’m done” way.

If the showrunner is focusing so much on ship baiting and mindless violence, it's probably because that’s the only part they believe will elicit reactions, and it doesn’t seem to matter to them what kind of reactions.

I made the mistake long ago with S1 and S2 to wait until we learned more. I gave the show the benefit of the doubt, but I have enough proof with S1 and S2 to come up with a conclusion now. You decide how you feel about it, but I don’t like what I’m seeing, and I will not show up for Caryl crumbs because just maybe someday the guy in charge will change his mind about them, even though Zabel has explicitly told us multiple times through written articles that he won’t.

I know Melissa will make magic with what she has, but they turned Carol into a footnote in the season with her name in the subtitle. What will they do in the season that doesn’t even feature her name? The current leadership is comfortable because they hope for free publicity. They’re hoping fans will take the crumbs and be happy so they can continue ship-baiting our favourite characters with new characters. So when we get angry for their treatment of us and the characters, our excitement is thrown in our face by calling us hysterical and telling us “they don’t write for us.”

I refuse to fall into the trap of “be a good fan and don’t defy us” thing the current leadership has got going on. For me, being a fan means being able to criticize the show and the leadership when they mess up. Ultimately, this direction is costing them ROI because the showrunner keeps alienating the audience. In this scenario, continuing to support this means they will assume I am okay with Carol not being equally represented on her own show. I'm not okay with it. I don’t like the show's trajectory or where this PR narrative is headed. I’m not falling for that line of marketing, nor giving them a dime.

I think it’s also important to reiterate something I mentioned in a post earlier:

We need to be careful about using the word "willingly" when power dynamics are at play. Women don't willingly stay in toxic work environments. Women don't willingly ask for poor treatment. Women don't willingly accept degrading storylines. Women don't willingly ask for less. Women don't willingly stay small. The term "willingly" is PR speak to build a narrative that supports the power hierarchy (in this case, the male EPs). A show of willingness during the PR circuit protects EPs — and gives them cover for controversial choices — while holding the female talent as a shield. If they're praised, they can show how "progressive" they are by doing the bare minimum of letting a woman speak uninterrupted, and if there is backlash then she faces the brunt of it. Majority of the times the options are to do it "willingly" or get labelled as "difficult to work with" and risk your career and reputation. The only form of protest is absence or silence unless it is also overridden by someone in power. In this particular case, the male EPs have done everything I mentioned here and more. Vile is an understatement.

To end this long answer, anon - I am sorry you didn’t like the teaser. I’m sorry we’re here. I’m sad that it’s been years of this, and it won’t let up. I’m sorry that we don’t have a better showrunner who cares about the characters and the audience. You decide what to do next, where this season is concerned, but I’m not betting on hope. – Shalaka

#caryl #twd caryl #9lives2mics #melissa mcbride #carol x daryl #carol peletier #daryl dixon

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ibrakeforrainbows · 11 days ago

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in s5 i need more of jonathan’s perception of mike. why, in his mind, has this boy gone from his brother’s best friend and protector to a careless kid who’s oblivious to will’s feelings? how did he go from “you said yes. you said yes.” to not being able to give him a hug at the airport? to keeping a binder of will’s drawings to sending el a binder’s worth of letters, and none to will? to making will cry and (apparently) not even noticing?

jonathan knows their friendship is too strong to be broken down just because mike’s busy with his first girlfriend. he’s witnessed their dynamic since they were in kindergarten when jonathan himself would’ve been about 8. he knows how they were, and he knows who mike was, and he knows there’s been a shift that doesn’t make sense on the surface. jonathan is observant. he’s a photographer, so he knows how to capture the feeling of a moment in time. he was aware of will’s feelings and how they made him act, and now he’s seeing how mike’s acting after a while apart, both with will and the girl he’s supposed to be in love with.

we already know they were inserting him in and making him interrupt s4 byler scenes so we could think about it from his perspective (among other reasons like coding it as romantic), markedly with him looking at byler in the rear view mirror, capturing the moment in time. i can’t wait to see more of why they were drawing our attention to jonathan’s attention, and i think he’s the best character they could’ve possibly used for this purpose.

i think jonathan might be the first (and currently only) person to know, or at least suspect, that will’s feelings are reciprocated. like i said, he’s observant, and in his eyes it’d be the logical conclusion to the trajectory their friendship (mike, really) has taken after 10 years. i do think he hates that mike is hurting will right now, but there’s no good way for him to intervene without making a mess, so he just lets will know he’s there for him.

i don’t at all think he’ll be the catalyst for byler actually happening, but i think he’s useful for some sort of forward momentum, whether it be with the audience or within the show.

basically, jonathan’s perspective is really important and he probably knows byler is endgame before anyone else. bye.

#ik we’ve talked about jonathan’s perspective before i’m just having thoughts. they call me The Thinker #i do not claim to have come up with any of these ideas btw just my own thoughts #byler #jonathan byers #byler endgame #byler theory #byler analysis #stranger things #st4 #st5 #stranger things 5

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ravenssunshine · 3 months ago

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avemygo wakaremichi day one review partly as an american solo traveler 20 year old woman (who speaks japanese) and partly as a fucking lesbian

i’ve lived in japan for 4 months now (leaving next month :( ) and knowing japanese was absolutely essential to navigating the venue and directions. typically people try and speak to me in english as i am very white but this did not happen here, presumably because the venue was PACKED. completely sold out show. this was perfectly fine for me but if you don’t speak japanese be aware!

the venue was run very efficiently for how packed it was. merch pickup was scheduled ahead of time so i got to buy my stuff online (not good, spent too much) and picked it up at a designated hour. the show was also dismissed by row which was very funny to me. it was like elementary school

as i expected, most attendees were men in their 30s. sort of an uncomfortable experience for me as a 20 year old woman but i didn’t have any weird experiences we were all just there for avemygo :). however there was 0 line for the women’s bathroom which was awesome because i have never experienced that at a concert before (my previous shows have been fall out boy and taylor swift (both x2, both in the us) )

to my surprise however i came across quite a few visibly queer people! a couple of trans women, including the person sitting next to me. she let me use one of her light sticks which was awesome ❤️ so bandori IS still for the lgbts in japan. just also the straight men

you are NOT allowed to take photos or videos. no one attempted it. kind of loved living in the moment though

people don’t really sing along? i did though i couldn’t help it 💀 i tried to keep it quiet hopefully i didn’t bother the people next to me

they played clips from the anime throughout the set and this specific show followed the trajectory of the ave mujica anime. it was really cool i lost my shit watching akane yonezawa rip the masks off of each ave mujica member. my lesbian commentary is i am fully in love with her

onto my own personal experiences:

sumimi was SO cute live. love love love them im so happy they were included

mygo played the first set after sumimi and to my surprise i burst into tears as soon as the first vote was played. full on sobbing. i’ve freaked out over every avemygo related thing ive come across in japan over the also four months so i guess i shouldn’t be THAT surprised? but oh my god. i was desperately choking back tears

the sets alternated between mygo and ave mujica, four songs at a time

crychic performed in the middle in their middle school uniforms and i cried a bit then as well

then mygo performed their version of haruhikage and the difference in tomori’s voice during the crychic set and the mygo set was so cool. youchan i love you

after the mygo set they played the audio from the post haruhikage crashout but didn’t actually include the “why did you play haruhikage?!” line so someone in the audience shouted it. it was funny

back to youchan. i’ve talked about how i think sasaki rico currently has the strongest vocals in bandori but oh my god youmiya hina live is an incredible contender. she sustained some high notes for a LONG time and it was awesome. maybe it’s experience performing live over the last few years but those early mygo videos on the bandori youtube channel do NOT give her justice. oh my god. MY GOD.

as previously established i am in love with akane yonezawa. every time they showed her on the drums i lost my shit. that woman is an incredible drummer and a fantastic performer. she might just be nyamu irl

my one disappointment is that they didn’t play any covers but with a combined live and a mission to retell the anime i’m not Too surprised. maybe they will tonight? idk i’m not going i did not get tickets for both days

the girls broke character at the end for the thank you segment and they are so cute irl as well. loved it. losing my mind

ok that’s all i think thanks for reading it you did but also this was kind of just for me. here are my daughters outside and at the venue

#avemygo #ave mujica #mygo #bandori #bang dream #wakaremichi live #bandori live show

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hotdaemondtargaryen · 1 year ago

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TOM GLYNN-CARNEY INTERVIEWED FOR NERDIST MAGAZINE.

I'M TOLD YOU'RE ON HOLIDAY IN A REMOTE AREA, SO I HAVE TO ASK THE OBVIOUS QUESTION: ARE YOU CURRENTLY VACATIONING IN BRAVOS?

"[Laughs] No."

"No, I’m not."

INTERVIEWER: I’m in [actual location] — which Nerdist can confirm is beautiful — withheld so Aemond Targaryen doesn’t find out.

DO YOU KNOW EXACTLY WHERE LARYS IS TAKING AEGON? IS IT REALLY BRAAVOS?

"Can’t disclose that information at this point, I don’t think."

"But wherever it is, it’s somewhere."

"Sorry, I just made that up. I don’t know."

DOES AEGON HAVE ANY DOUBTS ABOUT LARYS OR DOES HE FULLY TRUST HIM AT THIS POINT?

"He’s the best of a bad bunch in the Red Keep."

"I think there is a certain amount of trust that he has towards Larys just because there’s common ground."

"They’re both physically impaired now, and Larys has lived his entire life in that state."

"So there’s some sort of connectivity going on there, but also it seems like he does have Aegon’s best interests at heart at this point."

"I don’t think Aegon wants to look too much into that at the moment."

"He will find cracks in the woodwork."

"So yeah, he’s a lifeline at the moment."

"And he shall be used accordingly."

AT THIS POINT HOW DOES AEGON FEEL ABOUT HIS MOTHER ALICENT?

"That’s a good question."

"I think he feels there’s this undying love that he has for Alicent."

"Aegon, he’s her first born son, and yet there’s never been this kind of understanding or eye-to-eye that they’ve had."

"He knows she’s flawed, and she knows he’s flawed, and I think they expect a lot from each other that neither of them are able to give."

"But at this point, he’s not thinking that rationally."

"He likes to point the finger and he needs to find somebody to blame."

"He blames Aemond, of course."

"But also for it to get to this point, Alicent has sort of steered the ship in a certain way."

"So yeah, there’s a lot going on there."

"It’s quite a complex relationship."

I KNOW AS AN ACTOR YOU HAVE TO FIND AEGON'S HUMANITY, BUT DOES THE KING HIMSELF RECOGNIZE, IN ANY WAY, HE'S A MONSTER?

"I think he’s dancing with the idea of being loved and feared at the same time."

"I know I’ve said that in interviews before, but I think it’s a good way of putting it."

"Those two things don’t really go together."

"He’s trying to work out a way for his approach to being the king and to ruling."

"He’s trying to strike a balance where he remains effective, but also people listen to him."

"At the moment he hasn’t been listened to, which is kind of why he’s had to force himself into this position of being proactive in a way that he was not ready to do."

"So, no, I don’t think he thinks he’s a monster because I don’t think he is a monster."

"I think he’s somebody who’s very tortured and traumatized by his own making really."

"But I also think it makes somebody more dangerous when they don’t realize potential."

"I don’t think he does quite just yet."

CONSIDERING I KNOW HOW IMPORTANT AEGON IS TO THE STORY, I WAS VERY FRUSTRATED BY HOW LITTLE THE SHOW FEATURED YOU IN SEASON ONE. DID YOU KNOW BACK THEN JUST HOW BIG YOUR ROLE WOULD BE IN SEASON TWO?

"I was warned it was an introduction."

"Just in terms of the time jump."

"We couldn’t really have the older versions of our characters, myself and Helaena and Aemond and the likes, because of the time jump we were making."

"I understood season one was always more of an introduction to our versions of these characters, and season two would really lift off."

"And season three and onwards would just get tastier and tastier as time went on."

"So no, I didn’t feel shortchanged or let down or anything."

"I was always updated with the plan."

THE SHOW IS CHARTING IT'S OWN COURSE AND MAKING SOME BIG CHANGES TO THE DANCE OF THE DRAGONS. HAVE (SHOWRUNNER) RYAN CONDAL AND THE WRITERS GIVEN YOU A HEADS UP ON WHAT AWAITS AEGON IN SEASONS THREE AND FOUR?

"Yeah, I’ve spoken to Ryan and writers Sara Hess and David Hancock a lot about their ideas, about the trajectory that they want Aegon to go on."

"They have been quite… there’s been details, but not too detailed because of giving things away and not locking things in the writing room."

"It’s exciting to listen to and it’s exciting to understand where their thoughts are and include me in that as well, which is great."

"It feels very collaborative that they want to know my thoughts and the rest of the actors on their own characters journeys really."

"It’s great."

I THINK THIS IS REALLY SAYING SOMETHING ON A SHOW THIS WELL ACTED: YOUR PERFORMANCE THIS YEAR WAS A REVELATION FOR MANY AND HAS RIGHTFULLY EARNED VERY HIGH PRAISE. WHAT'S IT BEEN LIKE PERSONALLY HEARING THAT KIND OF RESPONSE TO YOUR WORK?

"It’s very kind."

"Thank you."

"To be honest, I try and stay away from all of the conversations about it."

"It feels like my work, for now anyway, has been done."

"And I want to sort of put it to bed and move on and not really dwell on it."

"I think if I get too engaged with what people are saying, and the noises people are making, I’ll get too in my head."

"That’s not really the way I like to work."

"But I’m really glad to hear that people are responding well and they’re seeing lots of different colors to Aegon that they didn’t anticipate."

"That was my job from the first day on set, to bring this character to life in a multidimensional, varied, color palette kind of way."

"And he’s an absolute gift to play."

"I think you’d do well to do a bad job of a character like Aegon."

"He’s a gift that keeps on giving."

YOU HAD TO DO A LOT THIS YEAR AS AEGON. WHAT IS MORE CHALLENGING AS A PERFORMER: THE BIG PHYSICAL, LOUD, EMOTIONAL SCENES FROM EARLIER IN THE SEASON OR THE QUIETER ONES AFTER AEGON'S INJURIES?

"Both for different reasons."

"I dunno, that’s like comparing badminton with tennis, two very different sports."

"In terms of stamina, probably the louder, more kind of theatrical scenes."

"They require a lot of focus and a lot of energy and usually emotional depth and agility."

"But saying that, when I’m in the bed, covered in all the prosthetics and stuff, that’s tiring in its own way and difficult to remain focused on the task at hand."

"So yeah, both have their own challenges, but I revel in both arenas."

MY LAST QUESTION, AND I WOULD NOT FORGIVE MYSELF IF I DIDN'T ASK THIS, WHAT HAPPENED TO AEGON'S TERRIBLE LITTLE MUSTACHE FROM FIRE & BLOOD?

"[Laughs] Good question."

"You know what? I had this conversation with Amanda Knight, the wonderful hair and makeup designer on the show."

"We spoke about this at the start, about whether we could bring that to life, because I remember seeing pictures of him."

And she was like, 'You know what? You might not want to sustain that for the amount of time that we do this show. So maybe let’s go clean shaven and see where we get from there.'

"But that’s not to say that it might not come at some point, even though he has had his face burned, it might be half a mustache, but we’ll see."

#house of the dragon #hotd #hotd s2 #tv shows #team green #aegon ii #king aegon ii targaryen #aegon ii targaryen #tom glynn carney #the greens #hotd aegon #hotd s2 spoilers #hotd spoilers #interview #aegon x larys #larys strong #hotd larys #aegon x alicent

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bronx-bomber87 · 11 months ago

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Happy Wednesday my lovely readers. :) AH the post breakup ep. This one almost hurts more. It's most apt ep name of the entire season. ‘Crushed.’ Boy does this name hold up to what goes down in this episode. As much as it sucks what goes down with Blair. She was damn good at her job and this ep proves that. Lots of Tim analysis in this one as you all know is my jam. Eric and Melissa continue to crush us in this one. Phew. Let us begin.

6x07 Crushed

We start out strong with the soul crushing. Lucy’s necklace and DOD ring are noticeably absent. They know the fandom well to take away these objects. Of course we were going to notice them being gone. Hurts my heart to see it. Makes sense but doesn’t make it ache less. Our poor collective shipper heart. Granted the ring was her's long before Tim…BUT we all know what it represents. Her life being saved. Throwing it out in the hopes he would find it and save her. Represents him digging his bare hands into the earth to retrieve her from it. *sniffle* I’m fine….

Her necklace being gone is just a stark reminder of where we are with them. I hate it. The opening sequence is a gut punch to our feels. To Lucy’s too. Tamara is moving out. This also hurts to watch. The end of an era. Lucy is grasping at straws asking if she needs more time before she goes? Tamara asks if she needs her to stay? With the breakup and all? Lucy instantly say no. Even if she wanted to she'd never ask that of her. But it’s clearly upsetting Lucy watching her whole world being dismantled.

She went from having the love of her life with her daily, and Tamara living there, to neither of those things within a week. She literally blinked and her two pillars of support were gone. I adore her making dinner reservations for her though. Wanting to celebrate despite her current sadness. Tamara asks if Tim really got kicked out of Metro? Lucy immediately saddens and morosely replies ‘Yeah.’ Tamara being her protective self in her reply. I mean she isn’t wrong…But it brings Lucy zero comfort and it’s written all over her face. *sigh*

We go from one heartbreaking scene to another. Once again the punches not being pulled in the last 3 eps. I feel emotionally winded. For only having 10 eps they sure did pack them full of it. Which I was impressed with. We see Tim disassembling his Metro office. Hurts me to see it. Official time of death for Metro Tim is now. You all know how much I loved him in this position. I really hate this. Was more than him being fine af in that outfit. Was years of hard work flushed down the toilet *snaps fingers* Just like that. Really paints the picture of his trajectory downward after Ray.

I hate this on a personal level for him. The breakup is excruciating but adding this in is... It's salt into an already raging wound. Worst part is we watch him being stoic with Wade. Trying to pull all the company lines. Whatever will get him back on duty and Grey out of his hair. Luckily Wade isn’t so easily duped. He knows this man well. Been his superiors for years. Can see the grunt mentality Tim is displaying. Knowing how unhealthy it is. Grey lets him know Dr. London will be shadowing him. Tim is naturally upset about this.

This wasn't the work he meant lol Knowing exactly why this is happening. Wade doesn’t sugar coat it when Tim pushes back. Nor should he. Lists off the reasons he questions Tim's judgment right now. The reckless behavior that had him bounced out of Metro and back to patrol. Secondly breaking up with Lucy. Tim forgets this man watched over the years how Tim blossomed around her. Even more so when they got together. To toss that away is just as reckless as his behavior that lost him Metro. Tim is in a free fall atm. Grey is just trying to soften the landing when he comes back to Earth.

Tim being a lying liar who lies. Says him breaking up with Lucy had nothing to do with Ray. Oh my love you don’t really believe that do you? Because it has EVERYTHING to do with it. Was the catalyst to breaking all our hearts. It's clearly a tactic to get out of his ride along with Blair. The man as we know runs from and buries his feelings. Only person to ever get him to open up he’s shoved away at this point. Phew. This somehow hurts more the second to watch and dissect.

Wade stands his ground about the ride along. Saying if he wants to even begin to earn his trust back. It starts here. Otherwise he’s going to get mandated therapy. Which honestly I would’ve hated for him. Because therapy’s something you need to come to on your own. Not have it thrust upon you. So I’m glad Grey started out with this observation first. The man knows what he’s doing. Tim gives into his order of taking her with. Little does he know he’s going to end up doing both.

But that’s the beauty of this episode tbh. Once that is settled Wade slyly mentions he’s taking Lucy out. Tim being salty says for ‘Evaluating her too?’ I love Grey’s slick smile replying he’s just observing. Like I said earlier. The man knows what he’s doing. He’s also worried about them both. He knows how serious their relationship was. Probably thought their next step was marriage. So for it to be over he’s gotta do damage control. He’s the MVP of this ep.

This scene with Smitty still makes me blood BOIL. Months later and it still has me incensed with him. With that jackass too who was betting Tim cheated. How very fucking dare you nobody officer. If you knew Tim at all you’d know he would NEVER. Not ever. Neither of them would. It’s so degrading for both Tim and Lucy.

Also her and Aaron? Excuse me while I go vomit. I love how she dismantles Smitty. Straight up kills him. The shame on his face is something he deserves and more. This one of the many reasons people knowing was the worst. Because cops or not this was gonna feed the rumor mill. People gossip no matter the profession. Lucy telling him how wildly inappropriate this is. Honestly she should’ve reported his ass.

I would’ve. I'm crazy protective of them both. So I hated this scene for them. And for Lucy out of the two of them to find it ugh….Smitty promises he’ll shut it down right away. Damn right you will mofo….That scene still gets under my skin more than I would like. We were all in mourning as a fandom. So this scene lit my Italian rage up. Hated rewatching it. Made me sick to think of them gossiping about them. Still hate this whole thing. Doesn’t get easier with time.

The pain train continues forward with this next scene. The LAST thing Lucy needed in this moment was to bump into Tim. Especially coming off the heels of scolding Smitty. We see her rubbing her tattoo like no tomorrow. Trying to calm her raging emotions. She doesn’t even get a second to breathe, before running into the cause of her deep hurt.

Gotta commend Melissa and Eric for this awkward encounter. Lucy has zero time for this. Can’t even process what just happened with Smitty let alone this. Doesn’t stay in that corridor long. Poor Lucy almost stumbles over herself to get away from Tim. Shaking her head as he calls out for her. Rip my damn heart out some more why don't you writers? Good lord. Killing me softy. 5 minutes in and I’m a damn mess. Also what kills me in this scene how Tim lights up when he sees her.

Ugh you can’t do that after what you did Timothy. You stole her voice and her choice in that breakup. You can’t be surprised she doesn’t want to see you. You destroyed her in that parking lot. Decimated her loving spirit when you took off. Eric once again killing me with his expressions. His reaction after she all but dashes from him breaks my heart. This was self inflicted but hurts to watch none the less. To see them reduced to this awkward interaction is devastating.

I will say I adore Blair for coming right at Tim from the jump. Doesn’t waste any damn time calling him on his crap. His person isn’t there to do it. So she is the next best thing. Well other thanAngela. But he needed to hear this stuff from a professional. My sister can tell me something and it doesn’t resonate. My therapist does and it clicks. Idk why. Just does. Tim NEEDED this ride along just didn’t know it yet.

Doesn’t take her long to call Tim out for his decision to use Aaron as a buffer. Is reading him like a book she’s known for years. Saying he’s doing so cause he’s exhibiting classic avoidance attachment style. (Totally is...) Tim having not been in therapy is confused at her reply. She continues to depict him further. Explaining he prefers surface level over deep intimacy. Which is the case with everyone but Lucy…

She continues on to say it’s a defense mechanism. One that is developed due to an overly strict or domineering parent. Usually a father. Tim getting nervous already goes on the defensive. Like he always does when someone has him dead to rights. Did it to Lucy and Angela. This therapist is no different. Stating he isn’t a fan of this and there is going to be no over sharing. Ok love….

I do adore Grey for making sure Lucy is taken care of. We all know our girl isn’t going to take care of herself. Her and Tim are scary alike in this way. They’d rather take care of others than do any form of self care. So Wade is doing it for her which I love. He didn’t pick Tim he picked HER. He gave Tim what he needed with the therapist. Also we don’t get enough Lucy and Wade so I was all about this.

We know he’s worried because she’s taken hit after hit this year. Tim being the biggest blow of all. These other things were horrible but she had him. Her person. Her pillar. Now that’s gone and she’s losing Tamara to boot. She needed this ride along as much as Tim needed his. To say this season has been tough on her would be the understatement of the century. I’m hurting for her so much. Her entire world was ripped out from underneath her.

I think Grey can tell it’s pent up inside her. The constant ‘I’m ok and I’m fine.’ Are really cries for help. The awkwardness continues when they run into Tim getting ready for the day. Lucy extends the awkwardness inviting everyone EXCEPT Tim to Tamara’s farewell dinner. Well and Dr. London heh Who is watching this entire exchange go down. This shot from his cam feeling very intentional as he watches her invite everyone but him. A little shot at his soul watching this happen. He watches her depart sadly some definite longing in it. Oh Timothy you did this to yourself my love. Grey patting his arm as he follows Lucy out.

Lucy and Grey’s first call strikes a personal chord. Far too close to what she and Tim just went through. They show up to a couple fighting. The girl is losing her mind on him. Little stabs to the heart what this woman is upset about. Saying how she thought they were happy. How she thought he was the one. Then it just ended. How it doesn’t make sense. Ooof. My heart hurts.

I hate how relevant this call is for Lucy. Crushed is the theme through out this one. Apropos ep name if we’ve ever had one. Lucy then gets paranoid because she is feeling exposed in this moment. Feeling things she’s been suppressing gurgling up. Asking Grey if he set this up? That Tim just bailed on her. That their first call was about a woman being ghosted. I adore his reply. It’s Top Notch Wade Grey goodness.

Puts her in her place right away with that notion. But it’s very telling to him in this moment how much she needs this shift with him. The amount she has pent up is immense. The fact that she reacted the way she just did proves that. Her sensitivity level is sky high atm. Lucy’s reply when they get back in the car is hilarious though. Much needed levity in a tense moment LOL ‘It’s my bad.’ Hahahaha oh Lucy Chen never change. We love you so.

Dr. London hits the ground running with the case they have. Aaron bringing up it’s always the boyfriend right? When it comes to missing cases like this? It’s here Blair inserts her like about breakups. It’s SPOT ON. Say what you will about her as a person but she was damn good at her job. At zeroing in on someone and what makes them tick. What is holding them back. And her line about breakups is just that for Tim. Stating it’s a trigger for many men. How stereotypical gender roles prevent them from seeking help. It gets under Tim’s skin instantly. I’m sure she said for a few reasons.

First because It’s an accurate statement for most men. Sad but true. Two because she feels this fits Tim perfectly and his current situation. And lastly to see how he would react. Which of course is defensively, but she’s methodically chipping away at his wall. That statement is not only this situation. But it’s Tim’s entire life. His father called him. ‘Poor little Tim-Tim.’ This was not a term of endearment but a mockery of his feelings. For even having them let alone expressing them. To have feelings was shameful and to act on them even more so. Looked at Tim with disgust and disappointment for it.

That scene in 4x09 in his father's hospital room was a painful glimpse into his childhood. To how he was treated for ever being emotional or needing help. So of course he’s not going to reach out for help. It’s deeply ingrained in him not to do as such. Breaks my heart. Grew up the same way. Being pegged as ‘Sensitive’ or mocked for what they perceived as emotional tantrums. When I was just a little person with emotions and didn't know how to regulate them. I was emotionally imbalanced because of my parents. Just like Tim is cause of his father. Blair is testing the water with her theory and striking gold in this moment. Quite the opening volley from her.

Grey starts on his own inquiry into how Lucy is. Clearly needing to since she exploded at their last call. Asking if she’s talked to Tim since the breakup? She is brief and just replies nope. Although her reply is brief her emotions are not. Just hearing his name is springing up tears to her eyes. Melissa aiming to do the same to me in this scene. Straight killing me at how damn sad she looks. I hate it so much. Lucy follows it up with saying she thought he didn't care about her personal life?

Oof giving me Tim flashbacks to 3x08. When she was questioning why they were talking about her personal life? Grey's answer obviously different in this instance. Telling her he cares if it affects her job. I mean he is Watch Commander. This is a valid thing to worry about. Also part of the reason for this ride along. To gauge where she is at and how it’s affecting her on the job. Grey connects the dots of Tim’s IA investigation and their breakup. Knowing it’s not a coincidence.

Tells Lucy as such that he can’t help but wonder if there’s a connection. I mean obviously there is. He’s just not going to get that out of either of them. He failed earlier with Tim. Also it's not the connection he think's it is. I do love her instinct to protect Tim regardless of the hurt. Was pressed and she doesn’t budge. That is a natural thing for her bad place or not. Lucy may not fully understand the why of it all. But she would never cast suspicion on him due to it. She just loves him and will protect him even when he has no idea. I’m not crying you are….*sniffle*

Lucy reinforces the idea it was nothing of the sort. That it was just weird timing that’s it. Then she goes into analysis mode. Which is her form of defense mechanism IMO. If she can try to understand it. Figure out the why. Maybe she can start to heal from it. Not have it drown her every single day. Lucy chalks it up to Tim not being emotionally available. I mean that is definitely part of the problem…

He is a disaster zone of a person right now. He’s occupied mentally in a way she has no idea about right now. At this point in time Tim doesn’t even know this about himself. Only that he wasn’t deserving of her love, that he is too toxic, and she’s better off without him. Has no idea how deep the rabbit hole goes for him. Neither does Lucy. It shows how painfully in the dark she is about what went down.

The sports comment is pretty comical though. I mean I totally get being emotional about sports. The Rangers ruined my mood for awhile when they were booted from the playoffs in June. We made it deep into the playoffs too. So I get the hurt. Regardless it’s a funny reply from Grey. Makes Lucy smile too which is a win right now. The look out the window had me cackling haha I love it so much. We need more of them.

Dr. London continues her barrage on Tim and I’m here for it. It’s the only way he responds to emotional stuff. Also I think Blair realizes if she doesn’t come at him hard, she won’t gain any ground with him. Doesn’t hold back when she compares Tim and Lucy to her line about how platonic love. How their's started out as a friendship and blossomed into so much more. *heart clutch* Eric kills me in these shop scenes.

We can feel and see the emotions he’s choking back. The sadness in his reply of ‘I was her T.O.’ He can feel the rush of emotions flooding in so he sends Aaron away. Tries to ward her off by saying he knows what she’s doing. Blair is getting under his skin quickly and he can feel the heat of it. She is poking at a raw nerve and it’s very evident. The looks on his face through out this scene make me wanna cry. Dr. London reminds him breakups evoke anxiety and depression in men.

Tim being Tim tries bravado this time. Saying he’s not depressed. (Ok babe…) That he’s the one who broke up with her. Trying to deflect but it isn’t working on her. Blair doesn’t relent and replies yes he did. BUT she can tell he has immense guilt around doing it. Which we know is true. He feels horrendous for breaking his person's heart. It’s eating at him like a cancer. Exuding out him so much he can’t use his usual tactics to hide it from her. She see's right through him. Like he's glass and she's peering in for a look.

Dr. London continues her pegging of him with this next part. My god does she have him dead to rights. Not only that but she’s getting through. She can’t see his face but if she could she would see it. Eric is masterful once again with his expressive emotions. We watch the range of emotions in this portion. Especially with his eyes. Always the eyes. She really hits home with her analysis of him. You can see it seeping in. I’m so bummed there isn’t a set of this scene. It’s so so good.

Bringing up how internalizing guilt and shame leads to self directed anger. If that isn’t our boy in a sentence. Sweet baby James. The part about self directed anger is this man to a tee. An absolute tee. The way he’s soaking in all her info has me deep in my feels. That guilt she mentioned is pouring out of him in this moment. Along with the shame and anger that is starting to build as well. The anger is because she draws a HARD line in the sand about this eval.

That if she can’t tell if he isn’t self destructive by EOD she’s gonna sideline him. How he can keep stonewalling her if he likes but it’s only gonna end in a psych eval. It is a rough way to come at him. But he needs it so badly. Lucy isn’t here to knock it into him. So I’ll be forever grateful Blair was. He of course reverts back to S1 Tim when Aaron re-enters. Snaps at him because he can’t handle the emotions coursing through him. So he takes it out on poor Aaron. What she said has hit very close to home. Sadly Aaron get the repercussions of that.

We go back to Grey and Lucy talking about Tamara. Their case involves a girl being scooped up from babysitting. Has her worried and Grey can tell. I adore him telling her what she’s done with Tamara is wonderful. That Lucy showed her unconditional love. The kind that healed her skeptical heart. Made her wanna launch back into the world due to it. It’s here Lucy circles it back to Tim. With her line about letting people you care about go. How could she not? It’s consumed all her thoughts for days and days. Grey picks up on it immediately. Asking if they’re still talking about Tamara?

This launches a Lucy rant of epic proportions. One I don’t think Grey is even close to be accustomed to lol She is finally ready to unload the emotional burden on her soul. Her reaction here is just further proof she had no idea why Tim did what he did. Also probably has zero idea he got half his unit killed. Bringing on his episode of self loathing. Which prompted the breakup. Saying she has no idea what happened to them. That she can’t stop thinking about it. Girl me too. It consumed a lot of my waking hours in that three week hiatus as well. Only difference is I got to know WHY Tim did it.

It didn’t make it less painful but it helped to know the why. This is where Lucy and I are a lot like. Needing to know the why helps me accept things. Otherwise I go insane. Like I stated earlier her defense mechanism is analysis. She was so damn blindsided by this. Her brain hasn’t caught up to any possibilities of why. Lucy was left in the dark from 6x05-6x06. Only let in with what I can assume was minimal surface level info about Ray. Otherwise her analysis brain could figure out why he did this if she knew EVERYTHING. If she did know she could cobble together exactly the why behind his reasoning.

Lucy going off saying she thought their relationship was worth more. The 'Unless it is.' haunting her. Haunting us all. I couldn't look at happy gifs for a long time.....She thought what they had was worth more than a cheap cop out. It was very cliched how he put it. Which was intentional I'm sure on the writers part. Made it seem like it was a cheap way out of their relationship. Clearly we know it’s SO much more complex than that. But she doesn’t know any of that. Which continues to leave her in the dark and it's painful to watch her struggle with that. I just want to tell her. *screams into a pillow* Instead of having a say in it Tim made the decision for her and it pisses her off.

As it should. It pisses me off. He took her voice and right to an opinion with their breakup. That is something he’s going to have to make up for. Lucy deserved so much better than how that breakup went down. She does deserve to be the one who decides if she wants better. Which she didn’t get to. Nor did she want better. That man was IT for her. And she thought she was the same for Tim. It’s why her line about struggling with him letting go so easily hurts. Honestly It’s what adds another layer of tragedy to this whole breakup. The miscommunication even in the breakup itself is unreal. Lucy finishes off her rant perfectly though.

Saying even if she wanted total self destruction it was her damn life. Her friggin decision to make that call. Tim straight robbed her of that. Not only did he but left her holding the emotional bag afterward. It’s not right and it’s not fair. Our girl deserved so much better than how he handled that breakup. He has a lot to make up for in s7. But he knows that just not right now…Grey’s face to finish off the scene is everything. Knowing she needed to get that off her soul. That this is why he didn’t want her riding around solo today. This was a much needed spiral in a safe place. So well done Wade. Our girl needed this.

Blair doesn’t even have to wait for an opening in this next scene. Tim jumps in to defend himself about eviscerating Aaron. Saying it’s his style. She continues to read Tim like a frigging book. This is my favorite scene of the episode for him. Just because it’s so telling. Eric is incredibly expressive as she breaks him down. He feels trapped but also can’t deny what she’s telling him. Her assessment is out of this world good.

Another beautiful thing about this scene is she is attacking his problem at it's damaged root. Blair tells him he’s under a lot of stress it's clear. Not just the case though. Saying whatever went down between him and Ray must’ve been real bad for him to lose Metro. To be back on patrol. Tim doing his old move of deflection. Saying how he owns mistakes and moves on. Well he has half of that right… Our boy definitely owns his mistakes. Moving on is a whole other issue.

Dr. London is moving in for the kill at this point. Saying but he hasn’t moved on. How can he when his whole identity is wrapped up in acting honorably? Damn she has him pegged. If he could truly move on. Be solid in that statement we wouldn’t be here. If he could really reconcile with the past he wouldn’t have ended it with Lucy. He feels not worthy and very much not honorable enough to be with her. So he cut ties. *sad sigh* Tim cloaks himself in honor then condemns himself when he falls short of it. Which is why he can't move on. Just adds another pebble to his soul as it were.

Blair continues with her spot on assessment. Her guess being that has taken a devastating effect on his self esteem. We know it has. His entire life he hasn’t felt worthy or deserving. Has always had the lowest self esteem about himself. Because mistakes were failure growing up. Mistakes of any kind. Which isn't ok. A healthy and good parents loves you through them. Teaches you there are lessons in mistakes. That it’s not the falling down it’s the not getting back up that’s failure. This man has been knocked down more times than I can count.

He got up every single time. Which is incredible and grew him to be resilient af. Sadly to Tim it’s the falling down that is failure. He never saw his getting back up as a positive thing. Just saw it as surviving and it was partly. He didn't see the goodness in getting back up because his father never did. He grew up in a household where mistakes were pain. Whether it was physical or emotional it was abuse for said mistake. Didn't matter what it was. So to Tim if he set high standards for himself. If he acted honorably his chances of mistakes or failure would decrease. (In his mind at least)

The problem with that is he’s human. We’re all human and fall short of expectations. No one set his except him. Hell I just dealt with this writing this review. I set this insane expectation of when I should've been done writing it and I didn't hit it. I was mad at myself for a expectation only I had set. It's the same for Tim. Whenever he fell short of being ‘honorable’ in his mind. It dinged his already fractured self-esteem. To the point where he has none. Lucy rebuilt it over the years. But it goes to show you how little he thinks of himself. That Ray coming back toppled all of that. Imploded it really in a matter of days.

She really brings it home here. Her pièce de résistance as it were. This is where Tim goes from huh? To Oh…Blair notes it’s why he’s been punishing himself. This catches Tim off guard because he’s truly confused. Like I said earlier I don’t know even know Tim knew the deep why of their breakup. He for sure had no idea he was doing this specifically. No doubt in my mind he had zero idea he was punishing himself. I didn't know I was in the story I'm going to use here in a bit.

Now he knew he wasn’t worthy. Knew he didn’t feel deserving of her love and comfort. Because he had acted so dishonorably. To Tim there’s no way she could love him after that. He projected 'Rules matter Boot. 'their entire relationship. Long before they got together. To Tim he created this infallible image of himself to her that he fell short of.

One he tried to instill in her as a cop. Yet he failed to do so. He couldn’t look at himself let alone make her do as such. That's what he understood about what he’d done. Which is insane cause she met him at his worst and still saw his good heart. But that's a rant for another time and place ha Suffice to say it was standard he was holding himself to that she wasn't. I get this so much it pains me.

Blair soldiers on in her explanation. Letting him know he’s depriving himself of something he loves. Something that brings him joy. I know this tactic all too well. I mentioned this in my mini. But feels appropriate to do so again in terms of relation. I do this myself. Tim and I are very alike it scares me honestly. When I fail at something I punish myself too. I feel I’m getting better at this. But this story is pre-therapy Caitlin lol.

Anyways I did this with my last job. I wasn’t good at it right away. I was close to being fired actually. My leader at the time was confident in my game plan to fix myself. I however was intent on punishing myself for being awful. I was mad I had failed in the first place. Pissed at myself for not being good right away. This clearly being the result of my childhood. Where I wasn’t allowed to make mistakes. If I did it resulted in emotional abuse in the form of the silent treatment. So going into adulthood I still held myself to higher standards than anyone ever set for me.

When I fell short of those standards I punished myself. So with this new job I denied myself music. It was something I loved dearly. So in turn until I got my act together I didn’t listen to it. Didn’t felt I deserved till until I rectified my mistake. My boss found out and told me not to be so hard on myself. That there was no need to punish myself. I hadn't even realized that's what I was doing till she said that. I still was hard on myself but allowed her faith in me to let myself listen to music again. It ended up being what saved me.

This is why I relate so hard to him doing this. Because I did it. My whole life. Tim doesn’t even realize till now he’s punishing himself this way. He’s denied himself his person. What brings him the most constant joy in his life? Lucy. Who is the radiant sunshine that made his life better? Lucy. So. In turn he is denying himself the one person he feels he doesn’t deserve. Punishing himself by denying himself her presence, he is simultaneously depriving himself of the happiness their relationship brings him. We know how happy she's made him. The highest form of penance is sacrificing that. Oh my broken boy.

I love her saying 'Or more accurately someone.' She saw what went down at the kit room. How Tim longingly looked at Lucy when she departed. Knows this man is still so in love with her. It’s obvious he hasn’t made this connection himself till she says this. We see it dawning on Tim. Her getting through to him. We watch as this hits Tim square in his chest. Or really his heart. She has struck a deep chord and it shows all over his reaction. Especially in the second gif. Tim is holding back actual tears as it hits him.

Ugh my heart. Damn you Eric. As quickly as he comes to this realization Aaron re enters the car. Tim has to readjust and adapt back to hard ass. Was bummed couldn't fit this in but he struggles with it. Aaron is smart enough not to ask if he’s ok twice… I do remember being excited by this scene. Because I felt it would propel him toward therapy. To knowing he needs help. All the signs can be there but you have to see the need for it. I'll be forever grateful to Dr. London for helping him see it.

Lucy spotting Tim and touching her tattoo. Melissa you’re killing me. But also don’t stop. I love that you do that. It makes me wanna cry though. Because we all know why she reaches for it. It’s to remind herself she’s a survivor. The only problem is that idea came from Tim….That entire grounding exercise is wrapped up in him. So it’s painful she has to now use it about him. It’s beautifully tragic and subtle.

Which is why it hurts so good. Mostly hurts atm. Until they’re reconciled anyways. It PAINS me to see how awkward they are with one another. To go from being so damn linked to this disjointed mess….I hate it so much. Eric and Melissa do it so well though. The body language and the nervousness pouring out of them. Lucy wanting to start something but not knowing where to begin. At a loss for words.

Tim doesn’t help her at all. Just stands there like an awko taco. That lyric ‘I’ve never been a fighter.’ Ringing through the silence. Ugh the music attacking us once again in the best way. This song is so good for this moment. I truly think having listened to it enough times now. Feel it’s Lucy POV with these lyrics. Which I’ll delve into more in the side notes. This entire scene just hurts. Like poking a unhealed wound.

I have to note this gif separately. Said this a lot this ep but damn you Eric. His precious little smile here is killing me softly. He’s spent the entire ep on pins and needles. Avoiding his feelings. Lashing out at everyone around him. Then being hit with some serious realizations. Then he sees sees Lucy and it appears. That Lucy smile of his. But he forgets he can’t be flashing that adorable smile to her anymore. He lost the right to find comfort in her presence when he walked away from them. From her.

The smile also kills me because he’s so in love with her. Look at that man above. It’s written all over that smile. It hurts to watch. I saw a great tag for this gif. ‘idk what hurts more his little smile or his shining eyes.’ Honestly? Both. They both hurt….Once again he has no right to be showing her those in love eyes paired with tears. Only hurts her more. Hell it’s killing me. It pains me he’s punishing them both for this spiral. This scene hurts so much but starting out with this smile. *sigh* I'm dying Timothy. You've killed me.

Truly blinded by his own shortcomings at the start of this scene. Thought he could just jump back in there and be normal. That there’s no way she loved him like he loved her. So she would be more normal and ok after their break up than him. My broken Timothy you hurt my heart on so many levels. Not only that but makes a joke about clocking out. He's nervous in his delivery of it too. Which he should be. He exploded them and is making small talk? Oh Tim. No....

Lucy calls him out instantly for it. I adore her for the stand she takes here. Not only not letting hide in small talk but getting her side in finally. Refusing to let him force normalcy on them when they never had a real talk. An actual adult convo. Insulted he wants to hide in chit chat. No matter the place they’re in Lucy is always going to tell him like it is. We all know he loves her for it even when it hurts like hell like this scene does.

Lucy reams him like she should. Letting out all the emotions she never got to express. Also what she’s been stewing on. Telling him what she has been holding onto the past week. Saying how he’s been so concerned with what she deserves. That he BLEW past them even having an adult conversation. Which he most definitely did. Also it saddens me the physical distance in this scene. They’re never ever that far apart. Very telling of where they are right know. I hate it.

You can see the discord between just by their physical distance. What kills me is she gives him a chance to rectify it. To have that convo. Tim deflects because the man is no where near ready for that kind of conversation. It reflects in his reply. He only continues to see he isn’t worthy of her. You are everything she wants you foolish man. He doesn't have a damn clue with that though. So he continues to push her back. Away from him and his turmoil.

It’s here I’m so proud of Lucy. She stands her ground and sets a boundary. Which is not easy BTW. It's insanely hard. Telling Tim he has a lot more to work on that she realized.... That she wishes him good luck with that. But she clearly isn’t the person to help him anymore. *heart clutch* My heart is on the ground again. I get it though. She is stepping away from him and how nuclear he is. It’s such a good boundary to set for herself. For her sanity really.

Another great quote from that book mentioned last ep. “A boundary is our only fighting chance at reclaiming our peace.” It’s the only way she can regain any semblance of peace. To move on from this and heal. Have couple more that are so appropriate here. “People who are irresponsible with our hearts shouldn’t be granted great access to them.” Tim hurt her heart so greatly. Betrayed her trust so deeply. This boundary is to protect herself. But also to keep Tim from having the access he once had. It's easy to see he isn't budging so even if it pains her she has to create distance for herself.

Final one “Love can be unconditional but access doesn’t have to be.” Lucy still loves that man unconditionally but can’t allow him to access her heart anymore. She gave him one last shot and he blew it. So she retreated like she should when he denied her. Does kill me she is clutching her tattoo end of this scene as well. It's what keeps that boundary in place and her feet moving forward. Breaking my heart all over again in an instant. I'll just be sobbing in the corner no big deal...

I was pleasantly surprised when we got another moment in Grey’s office. Thinking that was the end of it. I was hoping against hope Tim wanted to reach out and get help. This scene delivers in spades on that. Tim fully expecting to be mandated therapy. We can see he’s actually disappointed when she has a good review of him. Reporting it won’t affect his work. I’m glad she did because it’s prompts Tim to advocate for himself in this moment.

To say I’m proud of him is an understatement. To not only see he has work to do but reach out for the help to accomplish that. The relief this made me feel is immense. Tim says he was expecting her to say he had a lot of work to do on himself. Grey opens the dialogue asking if he does? Tim says he thinks so…Such a huge step for him. I could cry. Hell I was misty when this scene happened. Tim then asks what Grey thinks of him seeing her regularly?

Wade's reply makes me heart so happy. That it takes a lot of courage to ask for help. It really does. There is nothing scarier than asking for help. Especially with your mental health. Men have it easy in a lot of ways IMO. This is not one of them. They are told not to have feelings, or anxiety, god help them if they mental health issues. Tim coming to this place is incredible. This is a milestone scene for his character. I loved the writers tackling mental health this year. For doing it with Tim too. I could cry at how proud I am for him reaching out. For realizing something is amiss and knowing he needs to fix it.

As if this episode wasn’t making me cry enough. This final scene with Tamara gets me teary. Other than Tim and Lucy they’ve been my fav. Been beautiful to watch them both grow. It helped Tamara heal her untrusting heart. That unconditional love Lucy gave her never wavered. It helped rebuild her faith in people. In herself. I know it helped Lucy heal from Jackson. To show her to open her heart again after losing him.

They healed one another and it makes me emotional writing about it. They’re sisters and family all wrapped up in one. Hard to watch Lucy lose another piece of her life though. Truly hope this pain and loss helps her grow. If there is anything I've learned in therapy is that. Growing through the pain. I hope s7 treats her kindly after this harsh season. It’ll be make all the hurt she goes through so much better. I’ll be fascinated to see how s7 starts for her. How it progresses.

Where she’s at emotionally and mentally. My heart hurts for her in this season. So very much. I can’t even explain the level of ache I feel for Lucy. Our girl deserves the world and more. I hope she explores herself more next season. Tunes into how she doesn’t tend to take care of herself. Think she is on a growth journey of her own. It starts here though. I’ll be excited to see how s7 plays out for her. The end. of this scene is funny. Lucy begging her not to tell the car story at dinner LOL

This is gigantic growth right here. Coming here like this. Telling Dr. London that he was thinking on all she said. He is going against his better nature and reaching out. Admitting something is wrong and doing something about it. I know how hard it is to reach a place where you do this. What’s so beautiful about this development is Tim seeing he needs help. It's why he's here. He can feel something inside him is broken. He doesn’t know how to fix it so he is reaching out to someone who does. Tim can tell something is wrong and just wants to fix it.

To understand why and to get better. It is not a light decision to start therapy. It really isn’t. I ran away from my feelings for years. Damn near a decade really. Made light of the abuse I had growing up. Would crack jokes about it even. Because that was my defense mechanism. It was easier than dealing with what really happened to me. Ignoring how emotionally unstable and imbalanced I was due to it. I spent most of my 20s running away from help. From therapy. When it was brought up to me I would shoot it down like Tim. Call it nonsense and how I didn’t need it. I was also like Tim (Still am. WIP over here) and wrapped my identity up in the same stuff.

Being so fucking harsh on myself it was unreal. I still struggle with giving myself grace. I feel I’ve gotten better but it’s still a daily battle. It’s hard to explain the feeling you get when you know you can’t out run your demons anymore. There is just something that goes off inside you like an alarm. It tells you it doesn’t feel right, that you don’t know how to fix it, but it is time you ought to. All I know is it is different for everyone. What set me off is very different from Tim’s. His was a past mistake that came with a side of buried trauma.

Mine was a kind comment meant to make me feel good. Also some buried trauma. I was helping this sweet old lady who was a client of mine. She noted the earrings I was wearing and said they were nice. Told her my mom gave them to me with no emotion in my tone. I’ll never forget the sweet look in her eyes as she told me ‘Your mother must love you very much.’ What should’ve been a nice comment was a huge trigger for me. My mother is some of my deepest seated trauma. It set me off like nothing ever has before.

Her saying that unlocked this pandoras box of emotions. One I spent nearly a decade suppressing. I got into my car afterward and cried. I texted my sister telling her I think it was time I got help. I felt something was wrong. Wrong enough to do something about it. My repressed emotions had clawed to the surface for air. I couldn’t ignore them anymore. I had to get help. Something was broken and I needed the help to fix it. So that brings us back to Tim in this moment. To why he is standing here right now before Dr. London.

He tells her she is right. That he is mad at himself. We can see the realization just wash over Tim. Like he’s opening his eyes for the first time in forever. We can also see the disappointment on his face when she says tomorrow. He is wanting to talk about this right then and there. I’m same way (shock surprise I know.) Blair sees this and asks if it’s an emergency? Tim doing what he does best says no. Trying to do the “honorable” and not burden her with his needs. Because it’s easy to see yourself as a burden to everyone when you’ve been treated like one most of your life.

It’s what makes Tim digging deep and saying no I need this now below so massive. Watching him advocate for himself *sigh* I wanna cry. Because this scene is HUGE for him. I remember thinking to those who were hating on him at the time. If you can’t grasp how groundbreaking this is. You don’t get his character at all. Nor have you ever struggled with mental health issues or asking for help. Anyone who was nasty about his mental health made me so mad. To be that cold and insensitive meant to me you were emotionally immature yourself. I'll die on that hill happily.

If you need help understanding Tim in this moment or this episode please use my experience. What happened with me and what it took to bring me to therapy. Because they are similar. That is this man in this moment. Realizing Ray resurfaced all his demons. They came up for air and weren’t going away this time. Just like mine. This is Tim’s ‘Come to Jesus’ moment in regard to his mental health. He’s standing here because everything Dr. London told him rang true. Hit a chord inside him it was time to get right.

The thing is he doesn’t know how to handle it. Which is why he is reaching out like this. I do wanna say Lucy got him to a better place for him to do this. S1 Tim wouldn’t have reacted this way to Dr. London. Not at all. I don’t wanna forget the impact she’s had on him. But this is not Lucy’s problem to fix. She even stated that in their scene together. She is not the one which sucks. But this is not her journey to be on. A healing journey is a very personal and vulnerable thing. It’s one you have to do by yourself. (And with your therapist)

My friends and family helped prep me for mine. I’m so grateful for that. To get me to place where I could see I needed the help. But it was up to ME to take that first step. That's what this scene represents for Tim. Taking that ever so painful and scary first step into healing. Tim can see the work he has to do and that is progress. I truly truly hope he continues therapy in s7.

Despite Blair. I’m so excited they went this path with him. Didn’t just try and fix them and gloss over the fact he needs help. Appreciate the proper care they took with this SL. It also may not have felt like it at the time. But it’s paving a path of healing for them in the future. Tim’s head right will be best for them when they heal and reunite. Phew This was a doozy to tackle. I hope you all enjoyed it. And those who didn’t read my mini can see Tim’s POV and the WHY of everything. As I’ve said many times it is not to excuse but to explain.

Side Notes-Very Much Chenford

This will be Chenford related . I wanted a section to go over this glorious song 'The Ventura Exit.' Just wasn't room in the review to do it. So I'm doing it my side notes. More I listened to it the more it was perfect for this episode. Especially with what Lucy's is going through. It feels very much from her POV. The lyrics hit so much and have to be acknowledged IMO. First couple are just angsty musings from the song. They clearly aren't canon but evoked these thoughts in me. Others felt more canon driven.

"The first night I woke up four times on your side of the bed." This lyric could be said of the both of them. But this makes me think of her reaching out to his side in middle of the night. You know she probably still had on and off nightmares about DOD. Reaching out to him being a default for her. I could see that first night of their breakup this happening. This song put stuff in my head I had to get out lol

"Fighting muscle memory expecting a hand to be there when I reach out. Taking the Ventura exit to your house." This song is playing through out the rest of the episode. You can hear the lyrics if you really listen. I'm sure she fought the auto pilot to his house during that week as well. I know we only see them at her place but you know she was over there a lot too. Probably had her own drawer and all that. "I don’t hate you, but the more I think on it you let me down (You couldn’t see me. You stopped believing)" This encapsulates everything in this episode for Lucy. She doesn't hate him but he let her down SOOO much. He couldn't see her in their fight. He stop believing in them. Believing in her. So heartbreaking how perfect this song is. I wanna cry. "I miss you, I miss you, I’ll never forgive you. I wish I was with you I miss you I miss you I’ll always forgive you." I loved it ending on this lyric. Starts out with anger and never forgiving then it does. Because that is true of Lucy. She misses him so much but is so damn angry with him. But wishes she was with him. Which is why the ending lyric being that gets. me in the feels. We know she'll always forgive him. She loves this man too much not too.

I believe that's what we'll see in s7. Especially with him working on himself. That and giving her whatever doses she allows for him to show how much she means to him. This lyric made me hopeful for the first time since 6x05. If you don't have this song I highly recommend buying it. Not only is is perfect for this episode and them. It's just a REALLY good song. You can listen to it in full in the link I posted though. Thank you for all the likes, comments ( I LOVE comments don't be shy ha ) and reblogs. You are the reason I do these. I shall see you in 6x08 :)

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