#I have kind of a specific arbitrary and irrational way I count

[i-count-words-in-posts]

hi 👋 I’m looking for an assistant to the Count. send me a doming migeon (dm. get it. g. get i) if interested godspeed

[0tenshi]

🌻Positive Result ~ The Eulogy of Someone Still Alive (TW: discussions of death, physical and mental illness)

HEY!! It's been a bit since I wrote one of these. I kind of wanted to do one for Neuron Explosion Show, but I feel like I don't have much good to say about it. At any rate, NES is a bit of a successor to Positive Result despite having been released first. I wrote Positive Result first and in a far longer amount of time and put a lot more thought into it, that's for sure.

This song has been a long time coming for me. I'm not super open about my own mental state online as a safety measure since I am still young, but my music has always been a way for me to... unleash what I feel without guilt, if that makes sense. I'm quite a reserved person despite wearing my heart on my sleeve, but the lack of pressure with music really draws me to the craft as a whole. After all, most of my listeners do not know me on a personal level (nor should they). Those who do know me, however, are able to get a better insight on me through listening to what I have to say in a way that doesn't put as much direct burden on them as talking face to face would. Perhaps my mindset isn't the healthiest, I am aware that it's cowardly. But it's one of the only ways I am able to process my own emotions, trauma, and regrets while I navigate my young adulthood as of now.

That being said, I'd like to talk as openly as I can about the meaning of Positive Result here. This song features a feeling that I know all too well: pure, unfiltered panic. Powerlessness. An extreme sense of mortality.

I was officially diagnosed with OCD when I was around thirteen, but my symptoms started at a very young age, manifesting mostly in the form of health anxiety. The first instance of this I can recall was how at six years old I would check my lung capacity over and over again, convinced that my breathing was constrained and there was something wrong with me. Checking myself mentally and physically for symptoms of something arbitrary and untrue was routine for so long, for so many years, that I thought it to be normal until I discovered the nature of OCD. The disorder is ravenous. It's time consuming. At times, it is inescapable. It is scary. It is completely irrational. And it's shaped me and my personality in many ways.

"I can't halt the fear

To appreciate

everything I seem

seem to have today

(Now I am contorting wildly, feelings clashing, overwhelming)

And I can't control

what's controlling me and

living while I'm dying every day

(Understanding math so vague, I graph a picture of a morbid day)"

Positive Result features my struggle with the part of my OCD that makes me fear contracting and dying of a physical illness. A lot of the lyrics allude to cancer specifically, ("Even though I cannot sense it, I can tell that my cells are revolting/Turning paradigms to sickness"). The imagery of physical cells "revolting" is something I wanted to portray sickeningly straightforward. I considered using the word "turning" as well, like rotting, or like a multiplying cancer, but "revolting" felt more akin to the betrayal I feel when my mind tries to convince me that my "paradigms" are turning to sickness. In this case, "paradigms" also refers to cell mitosis and the multiplication of cancer cells. "Felt only by these hands of mine" refers to the sense of feeling something or seeing something, a symptom, an imperfection, anything, that isn't actually there.

My episodes of panic with my OCD have lasted me months at a time before. At times, they leave me feeling that my fear will last an eternity.

"With a fear that lasts an eternity, counting one, two, three, to the metronome of destiny

In love with earthly frequencies, the ripping sound of frantic waves

It's growing, flowers exploding, round and round, they're breathing, eating me alive"

Now, the visceral earthly imagery in the chorus is more evocative than meaningful. The thought of a flower exploding, wrapping around you, breathing and eating you alive is an uncanny enough thought. But it's the way mortality feels to me. It's the way I imagine slowly dying. Even though I have never been close to that state physically (knock on wood) getting a very scary phone call from a doctor some years ago got me well acquainted with the proximity that we as animals have to the dirt beneath us. ("Letting go and letting blood can never be rehearsed/Oh, you know I'm gonna claim that I'm only getting worse!") That last line in the yelling section in particular refers to the endless requests for reassurance about my own potential, unreal conditions and my inability to believe the people that told me I would be okay.

I'm also really proud of the next little section where the lines, "This survival rate, forever it is plummeting/these statistics aren't re-re-reassuring me," pop up. This refers specifically to checking compulsions via looking up symptoms on the internet/checking survival rates for various illnesses (I used to do that a lot.) This section also alludes to the loss of control, which, in reality, might be the scariest part of the fear of illness for me.

Also, notice the repeated rhyming of "me" with itself. ("Can't you answer me/those looking down on me"... "These statistics aren't re-re-reassuring me"..."Heal me"). When you're stuck in your head, it's quite impossible to live outside of yourself.

"'Cause the world never pauses for the cowardly

It pushes past the plagued and pageless poet’s elegies

But after all, the only person that's without disease

is only six feet deep"

This section refers to the world seeming to move on without you when you're trapped in panic, along with a slight reassuring thought that 'everyone goes through some sort of illness.' Also this interpolates Glass Pen hey guys ahahahahha, I also reference Cryin' Cryin' with the background line "Don't try to fight what you can't see," interpolate an unreleased song with [ REDACTED ], and reference Neuron Explosion Show with "I don't think I'm gonna make it out/with an ardent voice I scream it." I may or may not be going through an inspiration phase of someone I look up to who motifs a lot ahahahhahahahahah

"BRACING FOR IMPACT, WHAT’S REAL IS PLAIN TO SEE

'THESE THOUGHTS ARE JUST PROTECTING ME'

THE BIBLIOCLAST

TO MY OWN STORY"

The line "'These thoughts are just protecting me'" being in quotes specifically refers to something I learned in therapy about the nature of OCD brains and anxiety. How your brain is constantly trying to protect you despite there being no immediate threats to speak of, sometimes none at all. Also I'm really proud of the line "The biblioclast to my own story"!!! I'm a sucker for a good big word.

And that's really the core of Positive Result as a song. I hope it resonates with y'all however you decide to interpret it! In the scope of MACHINA MORI (which you should check out RIGHT NOW BTW) I see it as staring your mortal self in the face and being afraid of what you see. There's nothing comforting about being mortal. At the same time, there's everything comforting about being mortal. But, yeah. It's scary, it is. However, for me at least, even as I live side by side with this disorder, I'm a certified Lover Of Life and no amount of fear will ever change that for me. Despite how hopeless my music has been sounding lately, I hope you are aware that I, as a person, am not one to let go of hope.

Be prepared for what I have in store for this year. Big things coming!

~Kain Angel, 2/15/25

Thank you: Mage, Io, Tomi, Olay, absolutely every one of my friends, MM TEAM

[sleepymarmot]

Re-liveblog: eps. 4 & 10

Here's something I've been planning to do for a while -- rereading the liveblog of The Untamed I wrote a couple of months ago and looking at my own initial reactions to Jin Guangyao's storyline with new eyes. Returning to old liveblogs is always fun, but particularly when the perspective on something changes so much by the end of the story!

Of course, this turned into a monstrosity with word count in thousands that sat in my drafts for about a month, and involved rewatching most of the scenes the liveblog mentioned, and some that it didn't. Please be warned: this series of posts is not meant to be a comprehensive analysis, and will jump from one point to another or highlight only the things I have changed my mind about, or haven’t talked on this blog before. It is going to include some very personal interpretations and opinions, sometimes possibly (or definitely, in the case of this very post) unpopular or negative. I am here to reflect on my own experience of watching the show almost as much as to write meta about the show itself.

[All re-liveblog posts]

[ep 4]

is this shy illegitimate son the same person who summoned WWX in the first episode, or are they two entirely unrelated bastards? I don’t think the ages match up…

Oh, so that's what I was thinking during Meng Yao's introduction scene: trying to figure out whether he was the same person as Mo Xuanyu or not. That's funny.

[negativity ahead!]

Of course, I was also admiring Xichen's elegant way of Using His Privilege For Good, but I thought that was self-explanatory enough not to put in the liveblog. It didn’t occur to me this scene could be interpreted as a sect leader openly hitting on a disadvantaged youth, or that such an interpretation would be popular, especially in a literal and positive way as opposed to a dark or subversive headcanon. So even if this is ever confirmed to be an intended message of the scene, I’d just say “I recognize the council has made a decision...” and continue to disregard it. Kind of incredible how it manages to squick me in at least five ways -- and xiayo is one of my main ships in this fandom! And not only squick -- in my eyes, sexualizing LXC’s intentions in this scene not only adds something that I don’t like, but actively detracts from the textual, surface meaning and narrative function of LXC’s actions (establishing LXC as a Model Authority Figure who masterfully manipulates the social power dynamics not for self-interest, but for justice, kindness, and peaceful conflict resolution; see also the following scene with the Wens). And from the other side, I think Meng Yao is shocked and impressed specifically because someone like LXC would do this for someone like him without an ulterior motive; I suspect that if he saw this as LXC making an excuse to touch someone attractive, he would only be turned off: a sect leader who can’t keep his hands to himself is nothing new and nothing good from the point of view of JGS’s illegitimate child.

But if this brief brushing of hands holds any in-universe significance in addition to a possible foreshadowing of this relationship’s future importance -- I think I just finally realized what it must be! This interaction is an adaptation of the following scene from the book (which, to be fair, happens when MY and LXC already know each other, not during a first meeting):

Meng Yao had been a famous joke for a certain period of time, which was why a few recognized him. Likely thinking that the son of a prostitute perhaps also carried some unclean things with him, the cultivators didn’t drink from the cups that he had presented with both hands. Instead, they put the cups to the side and even took out white handkerchiefs. As though it felt too uncomfortable, they repeatedly wiped the fingers that they’d touched the teacup with, either intentionally or not. Nie MingJue wasn’t someone mindful to such things. Wei WuXian, though, caught sight of this through the corners of his eyes. Meng Yao acted as if he didn’t see anything, his smile unfaltering as he continued to pass around tea.

As Lan XiChen accepted his cup, he looked up at him and smiled, “Thank you.”

He drank a sip of the tea immediately afterward. Only then did he continue to converse with Nie MingJue. A few cultivators began to feel uneasy as they saw the scene.

(Chapter 48)

So CQL!Meng Yao’s eyebrows twitch in pleased surprise because the sect leader not only personally approached to verbally support him, but took something directly from his hands, not even trying to avoid him or flinching at skin contact. As if it didn’t even occur to the majestic Zewu-jun to think of Meng Yao as dirty or disgusting.

I don’t know if this is an intended interpretation either, because I don’t remember anyone specifically avoiding physical contact with MY in the show, and on the contrary, there were examples of both friendly (from Huaisang) and unfriendly (from the commander) touch. But I certainly prefer it to the other interpretation, and ignoring the interaction altogether seems a bit intellectually dishonest.

[/negativity]

On another note, much is said about JGY’s performativity, but check out LXC’s! Someone’s being bullied in his classroom? Not on his watch! Time to descend from his pedestal like truth coming out of her well, Very Pointedly and at length explain how this person Has His Official And Personal Approval And Is Very Welcome Here, then take the gift from him personally instead of letting a disciple do that. Note how in the following scene, he also personally accepts the gift from Wen Qing as a peacemaking gesture. I love how LXC’s character establishing event is about defusing not one but two uncomfortable situations in a row. Of the two brothers, all social skills went to him...

I have no comment on the goodbye scene. Just sadness.

Oh wait, after rewatching the entire show and coming back to the post, I do have something to say. This episode is the only time I can say with all certainty that all of Meng Yao’s words and reactions are fully sincere. After this point in the timeline, it will never happen again. :(

It’s a shame that the gifs I’ve seen of this scene end with the iconic stopped bow, because the final shots are also great! As soon as MY turns away, his face becomes clouded again, and seconds after the Sect Leader himself held his arms and assured they were peers, he felt the need to bow and lower his eyes as some unnamed disciples walked by. And the bitter look he sends after them tells the viewer how much he is aware of falling from the dreamland where a nobleman would compliment him like three times within three minutes, back to the regular life where it is better not to be noticed at all. Meanwhile, Xichen looks him in the back like “I want it to grow strong and healthy, I want to tell my friends and neighbors about it”.

[ep 10]

Alright, when 10 minutes ago I thought “Meng Yao, sweetie, kill that clown”, this is not what I had in mind

SOMEBODY GIVE MENG YAO A HUG (after some emergency medical care) HE HAS DONE NOTHING WRONG IN HIS LIFE. Can Xichen adopt him now?

Ah, the joys of the first viewing. 

At this point, I was thinking of both Lan Xichen and Nie Mingjue exclusively as of father figures for Meng Yao. For LXC I think I slowly started to notice the romantic tension later but made a complete flip to the romantic interpretation only during the "late light talks... no sign of curse on his body" conversation. For NMJ it was during the head flashback. And as much as I like these pairings, it does feel like a loss that their existence displaces the very different pseudo-family dynamic. I think a story in which NMJ, LXC, WRH and JGS are all openly presented as competing father figures would be interesting; has anyone written that?

On rewatch, I was outraged by all of the blatant manipulation that I bought completely on the first viewing. MY is very good at playing a wounded bird -- especially when he's literally wounded. I had wondered why he just limped away without treating it, but now it's obvious he is using Stoic Suffering to invoke pity and admiration. Just like, a few minutes earlier, he showed NMJ that he was ready to be struck down, and it saved his life. He tells NHS with a sad but brave face “I won't be able to take care of you anymore” and on first viewing it worked on me just as he intended -- I thought “Poor boy, so trained to serve, he puts his duty to others above his own feelings even in this situation”. Ha...

And NMJ is only helping his case. He had the chance to explain everything and share the truth of MY's actions. And in the novel, he does take this chance, retelling the incident to Xichen (who chooses to turn a blind eye). Instead, NMJ basically confirms MY’s narrative: by hiding the reason for the exile, he makes it seem like there was no respectable reason at all. NMJ, all by himself, makes himself look like an irrational tyrant, and MY like a victim of an arbitrariness. And he does it in front of Jiang Cheng and Wei Wuxian, no less -- an heir to a major clan and his brother! By trying not to discuss internal problems with outsiders, he achieves an opposite effect. Luckily for him, JC and WWX don't give a shit... But imagine how different the plot would be if they had this information from the start?

What I still don't understand is -- what was Meng Yao’s plan in this episode? Who was he working for? Who was his accomplice, whose feet we saw in the later flasback -- surely not Xue Yang himself, he’s supposed to be under arrest! Was he working with the Jin secretly already? (I don’t think so: in a later scene, JGS asks him about this incident, seemingly ignorant.) Or with the Wen (I don't remember -- did Xue Yang go back to the Wen afterwards)? Or just with Xue Yang directly, setting him completely free just on the promise of future cooperation? This seems most plausible -- but to risk and lose everything over such an uncertain gamble doesn’t make MY look very smart.

I have some other things to say about the events of this episode, but they’ll be in the post about the flashbacks in episode 41.

[dysphoric-affect]

The End Of The Console Wars And The Dawn Of Unity

          Earlier this year, I watched in awe during the Video Game Awards as leaders from Microsoft, Sony and Nintendo took the stage at the same time and delivered a joint address to those attending and watching at home. The platitudes were what you would expect and not in themselves groundbreaking - about what a great time it is to be a gamer and how exciting the future is right now - though not unwelcome and undoubtedly true. What was more meaningful in my mind is who the presenters were, what they represented individually and what their cooperating together - considering their background - to make that address symbolically represented: that the age of console wars is coming to an end and something else, something better for gamers and for the industry, is taking its place.

          The awe I felt stems from the fact that this is a far cry from the state of the industry not so long ago, when E3 press conferences, especially those of Microsoft and Sony, were not entirely dissimilar to war rooms. References to each other at that time were avoided at all cost, as if avoiding saying a vulgar word, with the competition only being invoked to point out how inferior what they offered was to the vastly superior console they had to offer. Hostility toward the competition was not only rife on their part, but felt encouraged to be had on the part of consumers loyal to their brand. And we took the bait.

          I’m embarrassed now to admit that I fell for this trap myself. I was an Xbox loyalist primarily, though because I grew up with Nintendo originally I had a soft spot for them as well. This made Sony the source of my own derision. With the original price tag on the PS3 and the eventually redacted “boomerang” controller design that console was initially slated to have, there was no shortage of fodder I felt given by Sony at the time to condemn their console. The trick is, criticism of those aspects of the console did have some objective validity, but there’s a fine line between making well-founded criticism based on rational thinking and deliberation from essentially accidentally supporting a valid negative position, but based purely from irrational, emotion-based brand loyalty which would have demanded I see what Sony offered as inferior regardless of the specific facts surrounding it.

          I feel especially embarrassed to have felt that way, because in life I have traditionally prided myself on being a rational thinker, but in that case, given my passion for the games industry I was easily led away from it. Thankfully that was as far as such sentiment ever got with me, but the capability was always there for that to spill over into applying such irrationality and emotion-based decision making in other areas of consideration about institutions in society. This was the great unspoken, and perhaps unidentified, insidious nature of what was going on at that time in the games industry: irrational hostility was being fostered, and once that’s been justified in one area of our life, it’s not difficult for such thinking to be applied and justified in other areas of our life, which in the longer term stands to have damaging repercussions for the society we impact. It wasn’t until I matured into an adult as well as gained a personal interest in philosophy that I became able to look back and realize the significance of the implications this toxic atmosphere stood to have.

          Real change in the industry in relation to these attitudes only truly started to occur however once those in the industry matured and changed their approach, as was probably always destined to be the case. As the negative culture in the past was brought out by those within the game industry in the first place, for better or worse it means the responsibility in turn had to fall on them to undue that kind of thinking and replace it with new, more positive vision. Thankfully, the effort to do so now seems to be in full motion.

          The advent of this finally began to occur with the advent of the concept of cross-play. We have taken if for granted for a long time that while we may be part of a fan base for game or series much larger than the player count of just those experiencing it on the same console we own, we can’t share in enjoyment of it with that larger community. Imagine, it was presented to us, those arbitrary barriers were now gone. Each fan could play with every single other fan of something they love, with community surrounding a game or series being built more within the actual games rather than without. It’s an extremely seductive concept, the seduction not due to any particular way the idea is presented, but simply intrinsic to the nature of the idea itself.

          Making the prospect all the more tantalizing was it being pointed out that it wasn’t a goal that needed to be worked for...the opportunity is already here. The backend networking for multiplayer or co-op between different hardware presents its challenges and necessary effort, but is entirely doable. Developers can make it happen and want to. Gamers, in one of the few cases of near universal agreement they’ve had, want it to happen, too. It remains only for those behind the different console brands to want to. The deciding factor preventing us from having a more connected and happier gaming community is no technical challenge: it is a simple act of will.

          Unfortunately, immediate consensus wasn’t to be, as Sony showed initial reluctance to the idea. The reasoning presented only served to exacerbate the general frustration at not making universal cross-play a reality: Sony was concerned about maintaining the integrity of the online experience of their brand. This explanation rang hollow to most, however. Microsoft has long been lauded for having the most solid and consistent online experience, though Sony has certainly improved dramatically in relation to their own, so the idea that connection to their service would be a liability rather than at least a non-concern and at most an asset even came across as fundamentally nonsensical.

          This being an issue was also compounded by a series of well-publicized hacks of the PlayStation Network that have occurred in the past; while Xbox Live has seen its on issues, the number and severity of the attacks in Playstation’s case create greater alarm. With this being the case, it would seem if anyone had cause to be concerned about connecting themselves to another, it would be on the part of Microsoft and Nintendo toward Sony, not the other way around. For it to be the other way around in spite of this felt like petty standoffishness stemming from the old days of the console wars rather than having any basis in reality or the interests of gamers...including PlayStation fans.

          That is one final point that rested against Sony’s philosophy of resistance, perhaps the strongest and arguably the only point that mattered: Sony’s own fans supported the change. It stands to reason there’s an impetus to make fans of the brand satisfied, so when the majority themselves are calling for that change, is it not worth considering its merits seriously rather than dismissing it out of hand? Add in the incident of the temporary cross-play enabling for Destiny, and the intensity of seeing that feature become a new norm in the industry became all the stronger.

          While Sony was making their decision, we saw the beginning of a broader change toward cross-play support anyway. Fortnite, Minecraft and Rocket League presented three of the more noteworthy examples of the cross-play concept manifesting as a reality, given the runaway popularity of those titles, but numerous other examples sprang up as well. Minecraft’s case was a particularly interesting one in that it saw the achievement of a different milestone, with Nintendo and Microsoft co-backing the production of an ad about their two consoles being able to work together. I’m not ashamed to admit watching that ad made me a bit emotional. I don’t even play Minecraft myself, but what it represented - about the gaming community coming together more - is really powerful to my mind and extremely encouraging as a gamer who always wants to see the industry get better not just in what it makes for us to play, but in the ideals it represents and promotes.

          Flash forward a bit, and we have the VGA’s mentioned at the start and a welcome change of tune from Sony, symbolically represented in the VGA presentation but more literally represented in a number of stories about them getting on board with the idea and even being in direct talks with Microsoft in relation to future ventures. Meanwhile, Microsoft has expressed an interest in expanding access to games that have traditionally been an Xbox experience beyond that console itself. They have candidly expressed their interest in making all future games of theirs available for PC simultaneously, which is certainly well within the realm of theoretical possibility given Microsoft’s ownership of the Windows OS most computers run on. And yet...even this isn’t the limit of where they’ve expressed interest in having their titles reach. Just recently, they’ve elaborated on this philosophy of expansion by emphasizing there is a more vested interest in people playing their games than in playing on the Xbox console specifically. For example, that interest goes so far as that they’ve expressed interest in bringing Halo: The Master Chief Collection to PlayStation.

          This is, in many ways, the best example of this industry-wide change in philosophy I’ve been discussing. I’ll admit, in the spirit of full disclosure, to being a long-time and avid Halo fan, but when I make that statement it isn’t about complimenting that franchise or Microsoft. What I am directing attention to is the fact that Halo, which has always been Microsoft’s flagship franchise for Xbox and closely associated with its success, is something they are willing to pass access to to players on their competitors’ console. This idea was so beyond inconceivable during that period not long ago I alluded to, that if you had presented the idea as a serious possibility, you’d have been considered an idiot, or insane. But now, it’s an idea that’s had interest expressed by Microsoft at the executive level.

          Those players on PlayStation are the key factor of note here, though. It isn’t about Microsoft and Sony becoming best friends, though they seem to be getting along better all the time, which is sure to be a boon for gamers in the future in as yet unknown ways. It is about simply letting players play the games they want. Gaming, like so many pastimes, can be an expensive one, and locking gamers out of access to numerous quality experiences deserving of being explored by all because they can’t reasonably justify - or literally can’t afford - the price tag of another console needed to access those experiences is a shame, and antithetical to the spirit of connectedness and community the gaming culture, at its best, strives to be about.

          Destroying these arbitrary and artificial barriers and instead working collaboratively on ways to bring the global gaming community ever closer together, as a family, is the rightful course toward which the industry should be directing itself. And, who knows...maybe in the process of fostering this spirit of inclusion, the game industry can get some of that positive spirit to rub off on those who play games and get them in turn to be more inclusive of others in the world outside of the games. And the world beyond gaming isn’t so different from the world of gaming in that one respect: both are much richer for getting others in on our fun. 

          So keep it up, video game industry. We all came to play after all, so let’s ALL play. Cheers.

[margoslxix]

OKAY so I was tagged by @autisticmob and I think these things are fun so here we go!

Rules: Choose any three fandoms (in any order), answer the questions and tag 10 people you want to get to know better.

So, obviously I gotta pick:

1. Homestuck

and 

2. New Albion

But I legitimately don’t know what third fandom to pick. I’m going to go with.......

3. Magic the Gathering

Because, I don’t know, I like it and I don’t get enough chances to talk about these characters.

First Character You Loved:

1. “First” is tricky, because I loved most of the characters pretty right away. I guess Calliope? Not that I hadn’t loved anyone before Act 6 or anything, I just remember liking her right away after meeting her, and also thinking she was my favorite character for a while.

2. Again, this is a hard one. Annabel is probably the obvious answer, but it’s true. I think she’s everyone’s first favorite, though. Her songs are just so good, plus she’s the first character you really get to know.

3. Hmmm. Liliana? I loved her aesthetic right away, for sure. I mean, be honest, how can you not at LEAST think she’s pretty goddamn cool.

The Character You Never Expected to Love So Much:

1. Caliborn, full stop (heheh). He’s my son and I would die for him. My very, very first initial impression of him was “god, what a douchebag.” But he’s MY douchebag now and tbh I relate to him a lot. He’s got a lot of problems, he’s definitely not an easy person to like. But I think he has so much narrative potential, and even most of his awful qualities (mostly the misogyny, let’s be honest) could honestly probably be dealt with if he was actually properly socialized. Which I’m still not 100% sure isn’t canonically possible. Too bad the comic’s mcfucking over.

2. Lloyd Allen. He definitely comes across as a dick, but he’s got a lot of hidden depth. He’s just such a good guy? Like, once you learn the lengths that he went to and the danger he put himself in, just for the chance to make his boyfriend happy again, I just... I can’t, I’m getting very emotional. I love Lloyd Allen, okay?

3. Gideon MOTHERFUCKING Jura. I hate Lawful Good, usually. I think it’s often just an excuse for characters to be stupid as hell, rigid, and incapable of understanding moral ambiguity. But honestly, Gideon is one of the best Lawful Good characters I’ve ever seen. He is legitimately heroic, and the fact that he’s not 100% rigid in his alignment, choosing Good over Law every time, is honestly cool. I just... he’s a character type and trope that I usually can’t stand, but done very well, and that’s impressive enough that I honestly love him.

The Character You Relate To Most:

1. If you’ve followed me for any length of time, you already know it’s Caliborn. He’s stubborn, determined, unyielding... and I’ll admit, I’m much the same. I think I approach problems in a similar way to him, and get confused/annoyed by similar, arbitrary things. Also, he’s absolutely autistic, and I’ll fight anyone who says he isn’t. 

2. Uncle Raven, aka David Adams. I mean, there are a lot of things about him that I can’t relate to. A lot. Like being extremely attractive, for one thing. But he is Aesthetic Goals. He’s a sad carnival man, and I’m a sad man who loves carnivals. He also copes with loneliness and abandonment about as well as I do, which is to say, not very well at all. Also the whole, “sad businessman who lost his mind and gained superpowers” thing is somehow also relatable. Now where the fuck are my reality-bending powers?

3. Vraska, probably. Gods, I fucking love Vraska. If Gideon hadn’t been my answer for the last one, it would have been her. The Ixalan story really hit me hard, and I love her a lot. Just, she’s been through a lot of shit and it’s made her hard and cruel, but who she is around Jace, now, with her memories intact, just... aaa, fuck, I love Vraska. I really hope they beat up Nicol Bolas soon. Fuck that guy.

The Character You’d Slap:

1. Cronus, probably. He just needs to stop. Not stop anything in particular, just stop in general. And the thing is, I don’t even completely hate him. I just hate a lot of his bullshit. Hussie once called him “the worst character in Homestuck,” and honestly, I can see it.

2. Okay, yeah, the “correct” answer here is probably Edgar or Sarah. But I’m still gonna go with Connor. I just, I don’t know, I have this weird, irrational hatred for Connor. I find him incredibly irritating. Almost every problem he’s ever had has been his own damn fault, and it’s obnoxious hearing him cry about it. I mean, “Connor” is still a gorgeous song and all, but as a character, I just wanna tell him to suck it the hell up.

3. Nicol Bolas? I mean, he deserves way more than a slap. But it seems like he’s literally behind every bad thing that happens lately and he needs to knock it the fuck off. Amonkhet was particularly like.... DUDE, not cool. You can’t just turn an entire world into a zombie factory, what the FUCK is wrong with you? I hate this fucking dragon, and this is coming from a guy who loves dragons, and also villains.

 Three Favorite Characters (In Order of Preference):

1. Caliborn, Calliope, Dirk

2. Raven, Lloyd, Han Mi

3. Vraska, Jace, Chandra (this list subject to change at literally any time)

A Character You Liked At First, But Don’t Anymore:

1. Okay, so this is going to sound incredibly harsh, so let me preface it with, it’s not that I DON’T like him, it’s just that he annoys and vexes me, and I’m sick of seeing him, and ALSO that I used to like him more than I currently do. In FACT, I do sometimes have feelings about him that I would normally have mostly for characters I like more, so it’s not that I hate him, okay? But it’s Jake English. Fucking... he’s so goddamn stupid and self-absorbed. And yeah, I get that it wasn’t his fault. I get that he’s been through some serious shit that no one should have to go through. Yeah, okay, just like every other character in this comic. But like, come on dude. But it’s less about him, I think, and more about how the fandom treats him. He’s not just an accessory for Dirk, for one thing (and I’m sorry, you can NOT convince me that they get back together in the end, that’s stupid, they had literally no chemistry whatsoever). And anyway, I’ve ranted way, way longer than I need to. But I have to set the record straight. I don’t HATE Jake English, I just think he’s dumb as a bag of teeth and I’m sick of seeing his face.

2. I’m actually having a hard time thinking of anyone specific. The more I learn about most characters, the more I like them. Seriously, I’m trying to think of a character that I like even a little bit less than my first impression of them. Maybe Connor? But I wasn’t really super crazy about him from the beginning, so I feel like that doesn’t count. I guess I’m going to have to go with Tristan from A Pirate’s Tale (even though that doesn’t technically count as New Albion but FUCK IT, I’m counting it) because like, “Ride the Hemp” is my jam and an awesome song, but when you actually read the script, he’s just kind of a dick. So yeah, I guess that’s it.

3. Again, there’s no one in particular. I think both Liliana and Nissa fall under “I used to love them a lot, but now I’m feeling a bit more ambiguous about them”--Liliana because DAMN getting a look at how she’s treated Jace all this time from Vraska’s perspective was some SHIT, and Nissa because I don’t particularly approve of her leaving the Gatewatch after all that shit about realizing that Chandra was her friend and all. I don’t know. I don’t hate either of them. Heck, I don’t even dislike either of them. But that’s one thing that’s cool about the constantly shifting perspective in the Magic stories. I just know I’m going to see something from their perspectives that changes everything before too long. Hell, Dominaria is already giving me a lot of Liliana feels.

A Character You Did Not Like At First, But Do Now:

1. See, I actually kind of liked everyone in Homestuck right away. And I’m not even counting Caliborn here, because I never really disliked him, I just never expected him to be my favorite character. I guess maybe Eridan? It’s not even that I particularly like him that much now, I just don’t dislike him as strongly as I did at first. I’m not even sure why. I think that one fansong (”Ugly Story”) kind of increased my affection for him. But he’s still not even in my top 20, so I don’t know.

2. Rachael. I’m not going to lie, the first time I listened to The New Albion Guide to Analogue Consciousness, I thought she was obnoxious. I mean she did lowkey try to get herself killed while singing a big, dramatic song for the sole reason that this guy that she was convinced was her destined love match turned out to be gay. That’s some fuckshit, right there. But the more I listened and the more I thought about her... with all the shit she’s been through, it makes sense. And it’s not like her assumption was totally irrational. Plus, Connor told her that that was the case because Connor’s a fucking idiot. So I’m blaming him for this one. So yeah, Rachael’s actually pretty cool. Plus “The Show No One Saw” is a bop.

3. Hmmmmmmm, I don’t know. I’m honestly drawing a blank. Vraska, maybe? It’s not really that I didn’t like her, but I’ll admit, I kinda was late to the party with a lot of Magic stuff. So I was just like “Wait, isn’t she just that gorgon assassin from Ravnica?” but then Ixalan happened, and she’s my daughter now. So there’s that.

Three OTPs:

1. ....Do I even have to say it? Dirkborn is my real, true OTP. I’m utter trash for this ship. Their whole dynamic is so much fun, and honestly, these boys could be extremely good for each other. Plus, they actually have canon chemistry, so there’s that. Davekat is a real close second. It’s one I actually wasn’t 100% sold on when I first saw it, but now I can’t imagine the comic without it. I’m so happy that it’s canon. I guess third would be Roxy/Calliope, which is funny, since I really didn’t used to like that ship very much. But I’ve come around on it, it’s honestly adorable.

2. Lloydven (Lloyd/Raven) is the obvious one here. I mean, I feel like it’s lowkey the most common OTP in the fandom. But like, damn. I honestly almost cried reading The Ballad of Lloyd Allen. They’re just so in love. Second is probably Leedrian (Lee/Adrian), just because. Honestly, it’s not even that deep fam, I just think they’re cute and also I love Adrian in general. HelMi (Helen/Han Mi) is a very, very close third, if not second. Like if you cry every time. Seriously, just.... FUCK.

3. Vraska/Jace. They had BETTER get that fucking date on Ravnica! If they don’t I will scream! That’s the best ship Magic has right now, I’m sorry, that’s just how it is. Now, I will say, I’m at a bit of a loss here. I used to ship the Gatewatch as an OT5 (Gideon/Jace/Liliana/Chandra/Nissa) but I feel like that’s been complicated by a lot of other feelings I have about individual members, so I’m not sure I really ship it anymore, leaving me kind of adrift. Honestly, though? Saheeli/Huatli had better fucking sail, so I’m going to call that #2 for right now. Please let them make a robot dinosaur together! And Chandra/Nissa is still fucking quality, I don’t care what happens.

OKAY so now I have to tag people. Since KC didn’t bother tagging 10 I’m not gonna, either. Just, any mutual who wants to can take it. For the sake of actually tagging people though, let’s say.... @draconicmentalist @stokerbramwell @gearydigit @the-cheese-hive-mind @swiftyscreativitycorner @vadvivon @humanmosquito And tbh there’s a lot of other people I would want to tag but I don’t remember everyone’s URLs and tbh I’ve already spent enough time on this post so, PLEASE DO THIS IT’S FUN