#I imagine this is why I care so much for this fragile version of Ami

[tirorah]

Oh, Ami... If only I could give you a big hug. "I'm not kind," she says. "I didn't know that I was such a horrible human being." And honestly, good on her for finally trusting Rei with these feelings, while also acknowledging that Usagi has other friends and Ami doesn't have the right to monopolise Usagi's time and attention.

She knows she's wrong for feeling this way, but she can't control it. She's never had to face this challenge before. Who's to say these dark feelings didn't leak into her actions? That single moment she spent staring when Naru fell into the hole...was that delayed response truly due to shock, or did part of her WANT it to happen?

What she says at the end, that she's been 'deceiving' Usagi and that that makes her awful, really sticks out to me this time around. Because remember what Usagi said once:

If Usagi thinks Ami is a kind person, but Ami actually isn't, then Ami is tricking Usagi. And if she's tricking Usagi, then she's not a true friend.

Now, Ami's been see-sawing heavily on the emotional spectrum for...well, basically the entire show, but especially since the 'Usagi is turning in a Youma' incident. She went from the lowest lows (being out of her depth with no support from Rei or Makoto, Usagi being taken, etc.) to the highest highs (keeping Usagi stable all by herself, successfully lying to Ikuko, etc.). And every time that happens, Ami's emotional state just gets a tad more volatile.

But I think there's something else at play here too. It's a pitfall I'm sadly familiar with: perfectionism.

Ami DOES think her jealousy resulted in Naru being captured. She thinks that because her inability to control these feelings is, to her, a failure on her part. That failure reflects badly on her character, ergo, she's a terrible person. And Ami is taking that really hard, because she's a perfectionist.

There's an unused scene later on where everyone turns in their knitted scarf project to one of their teachers (oh boy, we haven't even gotten to the scarfs yet). Naru receives a grade of 88% and is overjoyed. Ami receives a grade of 93% and is GUTTED.

I see myself in that. To give you an anecdote: The only time I ever cheated on a test was when it was a subject I was exceedingly good at: English, which is a foreign language for me. It was a matter of pride--nay, principle!--that I get no less than a 9 (out of 10) on every single English test. I only cheated on a single answer, but in that moment, my overly rigid moral fibre was nowhere to be found. That's how much I couldn't stand to fail the arbitrarily high standard I set for myself.

Ami is like that for everything. Every subject, every challenge she faces, no matter how unfair, has to be aced. If it's not, she's a failure and a disappointment. Even now, when she has more to live for than studying, she still grades herself on every little thing and considers her high grades the only worthwhile aspect of herself.

Fortunately, Rei and her wonderful stomping leg are about to tell her what's what.

[melancholydreadfuldream]

hope is blood on broken glass

Fandom: Doctor Who

Summary: The Doctor found out what happened to a former companion after they left his care.

Warning: mention of torture.

   The thing about being the companion of the Doctor is you can't stay with him forever. You would eventually have to leave the Doctor and the Tardis. You would have to try to put the pieces that is the life you have before the Doctor back on track. 

  The time the companion spend with the Doctor will change them for better or worse. They became changed by the experiences that sometimes they seek for a life that closely resembles those time with the Doctor. Like Martha who worked for UNIT, Jack for Torchwood, Sarah-Jane Smith who formed her own group, even Rose and the Metacrisis who also have a version of Torchwood in their world. They are all become a defender of Earth in their own way. 

  Some are able to somewhat returned to their mundane life and whether they were able to have a good life or not, well, the Doctor tried not to interfere or find out what happened to them. It wasn't necessary to add heartbreaks to see how they ended. But he always believe they will all be brilliant.

  But you never felt that way.

  UNIT has tons of file they collected about the Doctor and the companion he had over the years. They kept an eye on the companion from time to time.

  (yn) (ln) was a companion of the Eleventh Doctor alongside Amy and Rory. But you left him after realizing you couldn't handle your unrequited feeling for him anymore. You felt less in his eyes, not as good as his fairy-tale princess, Amelia Pond, not as brave as Rory the Roman, not as brilliant as his beloved wife, River Song. The Doctor has his own family and that does not includes you, despite his assurance.

  The last time you saw him, you had confessed your feeling for him despite knowing he didn't feel the same. For you, it might be the closure you needed to move on. 

 The Doctor couldn't say anything to you upon your confession and honestly you didn't expect him to. You had packed your suitcases, ready to leave the Tardis when he finally apologized to you. He hugged you and told you that you are brilliant and that you are one of his best friend. He didn't stop you from leaving, that hurts a little but you know it was for the best. The both of you could not handle the awkwardness after your confession. But he did tell you to call him should you need anything.

  Life after the Doctor is as mundane as you thought it would be but that is your only option. And for a while, things just doesn't work as you wanted it too and you got so sad, so depressed. It was a year later, more or less, that life gradually less painful and more bearable. You finally got a stable job and the salary is good. You are okay. 

  On 14th December 2020, (yn) (ln) disappeared. UNIT case officer on the Doctor File assumed you were back with the Doctor until a missing person report is filed two weeks later. Even then, he still think you were out there, travelling with the Doctor. It won't be the first time a companion of the Doctor is reported missing by a family member as in the case of one Rose Tyler or in your case, your work friends.

  Two years later, an FBI raid in New York revealed a strange basement on abandoned building where they found a bunch of people whom they assumed victims of human experiment considering their pitiful state. 

  The breaking news on the worldwide were talking about how these victims were actually the missing people from all over the world and they have been missing in various different years, ranging from two years up to seven years. Most of their cases has been dropped for the lack of trails of their whereabouts.

  Martha Jones has worked for UNIT for a while now and has been privy to the Doctor File UNIT has collected over the years. She has read about your file and distinctly wondered what happened to you. She had asked Kate Steward once why she didn't contact the Doctor regarding your whereabouts.

  Kate, too, has assumed the Doctor has lost you somewhere along the line of the adventure. After all, the adventures with him always consist of danger and there were many instant of the Doctor's companion files be labeled as missing or as to be assumed of the worst case scenario, dead. Also, she didn't make a habit of contacting the Doctor regarding a former companion, believing the Doctor has move on from them to new ones.

  So, imagine their surprise, when a leaked list of the victim names from the FBI case suddenly showed up on the internet with your name among them.

  Believing the case must be alien in nature, UNIT swoop in to take the case from the FBI much to their annoyance. And as Martha is charged to treat these victims, they really didn't know what to make of the case. Is it alien in nature or just plain old human cruelty?

  These victims are all malnourished, you could practically see their bones through the skins. On their arms littered many scars from oh so many injections. Their wrists were marked with the heaviness of their shackles. All of their hairs has turned silver, presumably from the experiments. They weren't responding well with the new treatments and they weren't responsive.

  You sat on your bed in your assigned room, staring blankly at the wall, unresponsive like the rest. That is until Martha mentioned the Doctor and you became hysterical, screaming and crying, scratching your skins till you drew blood. You were quickly sedated.

  Martha and Kate started to consider to call on the Doctor, believing the Doctor might have some answers in regard of your reaction of him.

  "He would want to know!"

  "Would he?" Kate asked. "Look at her."

  "I am looking! She need the Doctor!"

  "Are you sure about that?"

  "You really want to hide this from the oncoming storm?"

  In the end, Kate relented to Martha's demand to call the Doctor. 

  Kate expected that they will get the Twelfth Doctor and his current companion, Clara Oswald, but instead a young woman in rainbow striped and a hoodie appeared before them, followed by three people they assumed her new companion.

  "Martha Jones!" The Doctor smiled brightly as she went to give her a hug.

  "Doctor." Martha is still eyeing the Doctor's current body. "What an upgrade."

  "I know right?" She grinned. "Fam, this is Martha Jones, one of my best friends. And that is Kate Steward, UNIT leader." She introduced them. "They are Yaz, Ryan and Graham, my fam."

  "Fam?" Martha raised an eyebrow teasingly.

  "So what is the big emergency?" The Doctor asked.

  Immediately the mood turned sombre.

  "(yn) (ln)?" The Doctor repeated in shock after Martha and Kate explained everything to her. She glanced at your medical file and winced at what she read there. "I want to see her."

  "You will but we have to warn you, she might not react well to you, well, to the Doctor anyway." Kate said.

  The Doctor frowned. 

  7777

  The Doctor, upon reading your file, know she has to prepare herself to see you at your current condition. She tried to school her expression as she walked toward you hesitantly, knowing your fragile state. It broke her hearts to see one of her best friends ended up like this. But she has to talk to you, get some answers from you.

  She bend her knees in front of you and spoke softly to you, "Hey, (yn)."

  You didn't even look at her. You were still mostly sedated.

  "It's me, the Doctor."

  That got a small reaction from you as you flinched harshly at the name.

  The Doctor noticed this as she swallowed down hard. "I have regenerated. I am a woman now. You see?"

  You glanced at her with a hint of curiosity but it was quickly extinguished.

  "I'm sorry that this happened to you. Could you tell me what happened?" The Doctor asked gently.

  You didn't answer.

  The Doctor sighed in disappointment but as she made to move away from you, you whispered hoarsely at her. Your voice is small and filled with tremor. She nearly couldn't catch what you says.

  "Where were you?"

  "I... What?"

  "Where were you? I called you. I called you. I escaped and I called you. But you hung up. They dragged me back. You didn't come for me. Where were you? Why didn't you come for me? I waited. I waited. I waited. But you didn't come." You whispered in a broken tone. "Why didn't you come?" 

  The Doctor and everyone in the room froze at what you said.

  "Doctor?" Yaz called out. "What is she talking about?"

  "I...I have no idea..." The Doctor answered in a shaky tone. "I..." 

  And then she remembered. You did call her in her previous incarnation. He was with Clara on urgent mission when he got your call just as he was about to left the Tardis, bearing some equipment he need to save the day. He was surprised to get a call from you but he was at the times in an emergency and honestly the call was mostly static. He was busy and told you to call him back again later and hung up. He hung up. He never called you back, too busy with another emergencies.

  The Doctor blanched at the realization. Her hearts shattered with the knowledge she play a part in your misery. She could have save you. He could have save you. But she didn't. He didn't. The Doctor has unknowingly abandoned you to your fate, has not even realized you were missing.

  "I am sorry. I am so sorry." She whispered to you.

  You glanced at her blankly as you shut down again.

  7777

  "It wasn't your fault." Martha tried to convince the Doctor. "You couldn't have known."

  The Doctor is feeling numb. She tried to focus on the rest of the victims but none of them in any condition or in enough of a coherent mind to talk. Between the sorrow and the guilt, she is furious at whoever did this to you. She vowed to find them and make them pay dearly for hurting you. You were still her friend, her companion and she has a duty of care. Whoever did this to you, they better be ready to face the oncoming storm, human or alien, they will all pay.

  Martha tried to calm her down, sensing her anger at herself and at whoever did this. "What she need right now is you by her side, help her with her recovery, Doctor."

  The Doctor know Martha is right but to be honest, she is afraid to face you. She doesn't know how you could ever forgive her for abandoning you in your time of need. She knew she could never forgive herself. River was right, the Doctor really couldn't handle the damage sometimes, no wonder River always hide her pain from her husband. The Doctor really is rubbish at this.

  An alarm sounded surprising the Doctor from her lament. Martha is quick to deal with an emergency when seemingly two of the victims having seizures. When they were pronounced dead on the scene, the Doctor know she has to get to the bottom of this as soon as possible before the same thing happened to you. She will not lose you to this, not when she just found you again. And God help those who cause the Doctor to lose another companion for she will show them no mercy.

       A/N: Just a short fic to pass the time. So this fic is also about Thirteenth Doctor having to deal with the 'mess' her previous incarnations unknowingly left behind. Originally I plan to make this longer with reader in a process of recovery but died halfway after reconcile with the Doctor but I just don't have the patience to write it hence I just left it at that.