#I just want. a toaster oven/michael wave…..

[raskies456]

on the one hand v cool to live somewhere I can look up newspaper archives and find the original landlord was robbed at gunpoint in 1928

on the other hand very unfun to have to worry about how to have a functional kitchen on a single circuit

[123goth]

The syndicated man

“Oh, I swear to God, if you don’t start spinning this goddamn instant, I’m gonna smash your glass in and make the toaster watch.” Gripping the edges of my microwave, tightly enough to feel its corners digging into my palms, I growled and gave it a hearty shake. This animalistic roar echoed off my kitchen’s green floors, and another mighty peal of thunder sounded outside.

A flash of lightning painted the room a strange shade of white-olive, the tile catching the glint, and all at once, I felt as though I were the god of storms, speaking my almighty willpower into the microwave that night.

The appliance whirred. It bent to me. And dully, the light came on. The timer blinked. And the leftover pizza began to twirl. And that was that. I sighed, deeply, slumping back against the countertop as the sky finally opened.

The patter of rain filled the building.

This routine could not have come from a sane man, I realized. Sane men did not anthropomorphize their microwaves. They did not threaten to kill their microwaves. They did not inflict psychological torture on their toasters.

Crash!

I jolted. It was that special time of night when the dude in the apartment above seemed to trip and knock everything over. Clank. Bang. Thud! Kaboom! I winced. Was he okay?

“Shut up!” My voice was hoarse. With a long-practiced motion, I pulled the broom from the nearby wall and gave the ceiling four good thumps. And then silence.

I caught my reflection in the oven door. There I stood, armed with a broom, with my shoulders hunched like the world’s worst action figure. I came with a super-hydraulic striped bathrobe, patchy facial hair, and a crooked lip, which healed badly after some guy clocked me in high school.

The microwave beeped. And leaning the broom against the wall, I tugged it open with a grunt to pull out the bubbling grease sponge I was going to eat that night.

I grimaced, knocking the microwave closed with my hip, flicking off the light, and dragging myself into the living room, where I dropped down on the sofa in front of the TV.

The sofa was old, covered in faded brown flowers, and in truth, the television was not much newer. I got them both at the same thrift store—although the attendant would not give me a deal. I wrote them a pretty nasty review that night.

But placing the plate on the cushion to my left, I scooped up the slice in one hand and shoved it into my mouth. My nostrils flared at the sour sensation on my tongue, my taste buds screaming: “No, no, not like this. Anything but this. Just drink actual poison or something.”

I dropped the pizza back onto the plate with a grunt. So much for dinner. I would starve to death.

Michael had been the cook. That night, two years ago, when I sunk into a chair at our kitchen table, my tie already undone, something was boiling on the stove. He had even arranged the alphabet magnets on the fridge to say cutesy shit like, ‘bake the world a better place.’

He did that a lot. I thought it was stupid and told him so, but he was good with words. And I wasn’t.

The little television on the counter was playing a Password rerun.

I should have said something that night. I should have said that whatever was boiling smelled great, or looked good, or that he had worked hard on it. But I didn’t.

“The prick finally did it, Mikey,” I mumbled instead. “He fired me.”

“Oh…oh, it’s okay! We’ll figure it out. You’re good at so many things. You’ll land on your feet.” And he draped two arms over my shoulders, squeezing them tight. But we did not figure it out, and I was not good at anything. And I realize now those were the only two times Michael had ever lied to me.

But screw him. And screw that job. And screw that fridge. And screw the fancy cheeses he kept in it. And screw how much rent that place was asking. And screw me for taking it out on him.

I sighed again. All I did these days was starve and sigh and fight with the microwave. And it was my damn fault. So, I would sit here and feel sorry for myself and mourn for the rest of my life.

Leaning forward, my bones creaking, I manually clicked on the television. Another flash of lightning sparked outside, and the screen came to life in a flurry of static and snow.

Click.

I moved through the channels, one hand on the dial and one on the antenna, twisting it left and right.

Click.

“Romance. The new fragrance….”

Click.

“Italia right in your microwave! New pizza from….”

Click.

“Welcome back to our 24-hour Buzzwords! marathon!”

I could barely see the picture through the fuzz, but the program was some game show from the 70s, complete with a mustached host in a plaid suit.

He dragged around a narrow, wired microphone and made his way through a bright studio, shimmering orange, utterly, sickeningly orange, while a young woman with a sparkling smile, the fabulous Carla, showed off a deluxe dinette set.

I rolled my eyes and crossed my arms as I slumped back into the cushion.

And all at once came another mighty crash of thunder, a rumbling noise punctuated by dude upstairs, who dropped another pot, perhaps as startled as I had been by the sound.

The rain reached a climax as if it might break the windows. Something bright darted across the darkened sky, an airplane maybe. I wonder if it had been struck by lightning. And I cried out as, with a mighty surge, the television screen flashed and sputtered out, fried. 

“Oh, Christ!” I growled, throwing back my head. The microwave did this, I decided. It had gotten all its little technology buddies to act out.

I slammed the thing with my palm, once, twice, three times, each responding with only a hollow thud. And when this scientific effort failed, I climbed to my feet and dropped to all-fours to crawl around the television’s rear. The frayed carpet dug into my knees as I tugged the extension cord from the wall.

Well, at least it wasn’t smoking, I mused, something of a crude smirk finding its way to my face. Because this was funny. In a sad tragicomic kind of way, this was funny.

Even now, I could find humor in how utterly pathetic I looked, crawling around on my knees with my boxers hanging out, all because I wanted to watch lesser-known game show reruns.

“Work or I’m gonna go back in that kitchen and throw your commander out the window, you hear me?” Leaning backward and sitting on my legs, I waved the cord deliberately before the television screen. And with that, I ducked back down and plugged it into the wall.

I blinked. And all I saw was light, a strange, fluorescent glow that consumed every inch of my vision.

Oh my God, I thought. I’m dead.

I electrocuted myself, and I’m dead.

My feet were planted on the ground. I was standing. I had crawled around to plug the television into the wall, but somehow, I was now standing. And I could not remember getting up.

“Welcome back to Buzzwords!”

I blinked again, and at that moment. I realized the blinding light was not white at all, but utterly, sickeningly orange. And there I was, like a moron, standing at a podium with a smile plastered across my face.

In truth, I wanted to scowl or grimace or something, but I couldn’t. My muscles ignored me. And on their own, my hands came up to applaud.

“Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I’m your host, Buddy Guy. And we have a great show for you tonight.”

The hell?

“Let’s meet our contestants and get the game underway.” Buddy smiled broadly and walked in my direction.

I found my mouth opening of its own accord.

“Hi, Buddy! My name is John Smith. I’m from Columbus, Ohio, and I want to say hello to my wife, Betty.” These words spilled from me as if rehearsed, without my input, as though I were a passenger in my head (or, as it turned out, someone else’s).

And the absolute worst was that I could not cringe. I could not roll my eyes. I could not grunt or groan at just how saccharine I sounded, nor at the fact that my name was John Smith.

“Welcome, John. Good to have you.” Buddy Guy moved past me like an automaton, introducing a waitress from New York and a wannabe actor, who lived with his beloved roommate William of five years in Los Angeles.

And if I had to choose someone to be from this panel, it probably would have been him, because then at least I would not have a wife named Betty.

But this could not be happening; it certainly was not happening. I was not miming the motions of John Smith from Ohio. It was not 1970-whatever. And so, I truly must have been dead.

This whole illusion was that thing, that thing where synapses fire because your brain is pissed about non-existence. And if I could turn my head, which I could not, I would have peered into the audience to look for departed relatives.

But John stared forward, and so did I.

“Tonight, our contestants are competing for a stunning new kitchen set. Tell them all about it, Jack.”

An announcer from offstage began singing the praises of the sparkling refrigerator, oven range, and microwave that appeared from behind a velvet curtain. The audience lightning-sparkedooo’d and ahh’d.

And by now, Carla had emerged to point at everything, but I barely saw her. Even from this vantage point, unable to move on my own, I could catch my reflection in the oven door.

John Smith was, well, a man, yes, but in a strange, overly generic way. He, and by extension, I, had an average build, brown hair, brown eyes, and a decidedly uncrooked lip, one nobody had ever socked in.

He was the sort of person you might see in a department store catalog, I thought, or in a stock photograph of an office: unassuming and smiley.

But I could not look long.

My head was turning as the unflappable Buddy Guy made his way once again in my direction.

“Let’s reveal our first puzzle,” the host smiled, and taking this cue, Carla pulled out a marker, as if from nowhere, and drew a crude approximation of a gallows on the refrigerator door.

Spinning in a little circle, red gown flashing, she then tugged open the microwave to allow a multicolored pile of alphabet magnets to spill forth from within.

It was just goddamn Hangman, I realized. And I didn’t even get to spin a wheel or anything.

“How about a letter, John?”

“V!” I cried against my will.

Oh great. John sucked at this game.

“Sorry. No ‘V’s.’”

And so, it went.

The waitress guessed a “Y,” and scored a few points. Fishing the letters from the microwave pile, Carla stuck the magnets to the fridge. The actor guessed a number in the form of a question.

I unironically said the phrase “Oh, gee!” when there were no “X’s.”

And at this rate, it took us two whole commercial breaks to get to the unimpressive:

Y_ _  M_D_  Y_ _ R  B _ D.  N_W  LI_  IN  I_

By now, the hanging man was missing only his feet.

This was hell, I thought. I had died, and I had gone to hell.

And I would be terrible at this word game forever, and that was my punishment for being mean to the dude in the apartment upstairs.

And writing that bad review of the thrift store.

And for Michael, who had only ever lied to me twice.

“I’d like to solve it, Buddy!” I grinned.

“Go ahead, John.”

“You made your bed. Now lie in it!”

There were buzzers and bells, and the audience cheered.

“That’s right, John. You made your bed. Now you’re lying in it.”

Buddy smiled at me, and for a moment, a crack appeared, something sharp and sinister behind his cheery expression. His lip twitched, and a flicking tongue, snakelike, nipped the lower part of his mustache.

“I deserve to lie in it, Buddy!”

And somehow, this was pretty goddamn funny. If I could, I would have laughed.

“Onto our next puzzle,” Buddy cut in as Carla knocked down all the letters, leaving them on the floor. She used her bare hand to smudge off the marker.

“Can I have a ‘Y,’ Buddy?”

Jesus Christ, John. How about an actual letter or something? Whatever happened to “A?”

I sighed internally. But to my surprise, Carla reached into the microwave and retrieved the red letter, placing it on the refrigerator door.  John did it. He got one. I felt excited for him.

I squeezed the podium. My hands were working, I realized, and so, overcome, I squeezed, just as tightly as I had the microwave that night, finding again the sensation of willpower.

But by now, Buddy was busy with the waitress and the actor, the former somehow earning a double penalty, which made Carla draw both a head and a body on the gallows.

But when play returned to me, I was able to speak up.

“What the hell is going on?”

The host narrowed his eyes, sniffing the air.

“Guess a letter, John.”

“I don’t know. An ‘A!’”

Sifting through the alphabet pile, Carla placed two magnet letters on the fridge, but she too was giving up her pretense. There was no pointing and smiling. She stared at me with a dour, annoyed expression, as if she could not believe my gall.

“It’s ‘Abandon All Hope Ye Who Enter Here,’” I said.

Which was a cliché, but I was realizing now that if kitsch was going to be my hell, I could at the very least lean into it.

“Well, all right. Thank you for tuning in, ladies and gentlemen. After this important message, John will be moving to the bonus round,”

Buddy said to the camera. “Are we at commercial?”

No one responded. He marched over to me, twirling the microphone cord around his hand. I looked at it and realized it may very well have been the noose with which the poor loser might be strung up.

“You’re not playing by the rules, John,” he said nonchalantly, beginning to use the wire to bind my hands together, tighter and tighter, around my wrists, his grip surprisingly firm.

“Hey! Hey!” I retorted, trying to pull away.

“Don’t be a jerk. You’ll make this harder if you resist.”

“But that’s my problem. I’m here because I’m a jerk. You can’t damn people and expect them not to be jerks.”

“Do you think you deserve to be damned, John?” the host asked me. He cocked his head to one side.

“I think your show is stupid. But I’m finding that making fun of it and John’s wife Betty probably won’t help me win it.”

“You can’t win it, John. The outcome’s already set. This marathon’s just reruns. Your life is just rerun. The same thing over and over forever. Wake up. Eat. Sleep. And you lose every time. So why should this be different, hm?” Buddy dropped his voice low, but all at once, the studio lights flared, and he spun around to face the audience. “And we’re back!”

The soundstage went dark. The cheers stopped, and it was just me and Buddy, caught in a silent spotlight. Another lamp, mounted on a ceiling somewhere in the expanse of shadows above us, shined straight down, casting the refrigerator, the microwave, and the letters, in its fluorescent glow.

“It’s just us now, John. This is the bonus round. You get four letters. You have one chance to go up and complete the puzzle. And that’s it.”

_  F _ R _ _ _ _  M _  S _ _ _

I cast my gaze at Buddy, wavering a moment, before stepping uncertainly forward into the expanse. Although I could not see the floor beneath my feet, just deep darkness, I felt its steady weight as I moved to stare at the blanks.

An eternity passed as I stared. And maybe it had. At this moment, in this place, seconds and minutes and moments, they seemed to mean so little.

I forfeit my soul.

That was it. That was the joke.

I had already done it, I knew. I had become so wrapped in the misery of my own making that I had forfeited my very self to it. And willingly.

Choice. That was it, wasn’t it? I, willpower personified, exerting it in every wrong direction. And so, moving for the pile of letters, hands still bound, I pulled them out the microwave one at a time.

I stuck the magnets in place, whispering the words aloud as they appeared on the refrigerator. And only then, with a definitive nod, did I step back to see my handiwork.

I FORGIVE MYSELF

I awoke on the floor beneath the TV with a sudden, painful gasp.

The dude upstairs dropped something. I stared a good few seconds at the ceiling. And with that, I pressed back onto the carpet and laughed, a full hearty noise, the television set’s extension cord wrapped around my fingers.

Wrestling them free, I checked my reflection on Paula sparked the screen to be safe.

And taking a few more steadying breaths, I moved for my apartment door. I tugged it open to poke my head into the hallway, craning it up the stairwell to the sole unit above mine.

“Hey, pal? Do you need help up there?” 

[thedeviltohisangel]

I Bet Her Mama Never Told Her Why//Michael Langdon x OFC

Tummy Riding .xx

Smut Warning

set in the same universe as “Before Anyone Knew” which can be found at the link in my bio!

a user on ao3 requested more of this pairing and @tickled--pinkmoodpoisoning submitted the tummy riding idea and honestly...we all know why.

let me know if you guys would like more of them!

Clara watched intently as the snow fell from the sky in circles, like ballerinas twirling, and gripped her mug of coffee tighter in the hopes it would warm her freshly out of bed hands. She had been delighted to see the snow out her bedroom window that morning, containing her squeal so Michael could sleep in, running to grab her fleece robe and get a better view from her living room.

“What’s going on? Why weren’t you in bed when I woke up?” She turned to see Michael, his tummy exposed from his t-shirt riding up as he scratched the back of his head with a yawn.

“It’s snowing! I wanted to watch it for a little bit before making breakfast.” Clara held her arm out towards him, Michael taking her hand slowly as she pulled him next to her. “See how magical? Everything gets quieter when snow falls.” He wasn’t watching the snow. He was watching her.

“I could make it snow for you whenever you want, you know.” His arms wrapped around her waist as he moved to stand behind her, his nose nuzzling against her throat.

“I know. There’s just something magical about the universe doing it for you.”

“I’m hungry.” His tongue snaked out to lick gently at her neck. She shivered under his touch and turned her head so her lips could meet his. They fit together like a key in a lock, her lips always unlocking some desire and passion deep within him. Michael had trouble controlling his urges when it came to Clara. Something about her awoke a beast inside of him and there was nothing that either of them could do to tuck it back away once it reared its horny head.

“You’re a big boy. I think you can make breakfast yourself.” He couldn’t stop the childish groan that then fell from his mouth.

“But, Clara, you do it exactly the way I like.” Michael clenched his hands into fists at his side. She also had the perfect ratio of nutella to peanut butter on his toast. The perfect level of crispiness on his bacon. None of the apple slices she gave him were soft or brown.

“Then how about we do it together so you can learn?” That was a compromise he could accept. She held his hand as they walked into the kitchen, starting with preheating the toaster oven for the toast. “Now, you turn the heat on after the bacon is in the pan so that way all the fat comes out of it and makes it extra crispy.” Michael nodded and gently peeled enough bacon strips from the package for the both of them and laid them in a neat line in the pan, making sure none of them overlapped.

“Do you want me to make you another cup of coffee?” He had moved over to the Keurig, learning how to use that a long time ago when he had wanted to surprise Clara with a treat in bed before she woke up. Also because he had learned you could make hot chocolate in it.

“No thank you. I need to drink more water, my skin’s been so dry.”

“I think your skin is always soft, Clara. Like velvet.” Her skin had brought him so much comfort in the time he had known her. There was always a way for him to be touching her and he always found it. Sexual or not, he had begun to require her natural warmth in order to feel at ease.

“You’re too kind to me. It hurts even more now when other people are vaguely mean cause you’ve given me such a high bar of expectations,” she said as she pulled a few slices of bread from the bag to place in the toaster.

“People are mean to you? Who’s mean to you?” Michael was beginning to feel his blood boil. How dare anyone make Clara feel less than the absolutely perfect angel that she was. How dare the universe betray this beautiful creature in such a way. “No one will ever be mean to you again, Clara, I promise.”

“Deep breaths, Michael, you’re getting warm again.” Whenever Michael got angry the room always seemed to raise more than a few degrees. It was a concern to Clara that he seemed to be losing control more frequently. There was only ever one thing that could bring him back from the brink of anger oblivion. “Go lie down in bed. Naked.” The darkness in his eyes was no longer angry but lustful.

“Clara…” He didn’t want her to be teasing him with what she was offering. Once the idea was implanted in his head, there was no way he could shake it.

“If you don’t listen to me, then you don’t get it.” A look of horror flashed before his eyes as he was hurt that she would deny him his simplest pleasure. When her face showed no signs that she was kidding, he jogged back into his bedroom. He pulled the comforter so it was lying flat on the bed, shedding his clothes and making sure to put them in the hamper before lying on his back on top of it. With his eyes closed, he swallowed thickly in an attempt to steady his heart rate. He always got to taste her when she got into a mood like this. It was all he ever craved in life. The taste of Clara, the woman he loved.

Michael resisted his urge to sit up when she walked in the room. Somewhere along the way she had lost her robe and her sleep clothes, joining him in being naked. His eyes followed her movements like a hawk. He didn’t want to miss a single sway of her hips or a single goosebump popping up on her skin in the cold air of their room. “You’re so pretty,” she whispered as she traced her fingertip along the contours of his face. He leaned into her touch like a mewling cat.

“Thank you,” he whispered back.

“Do you know what one of my favorite parts of you is, Michael?” In his head he was listing all the different things he had ever said she loved about him or had complimented. But he couldn’t think of an instance where she had used the word ‘favorite.’ So he shook his head. “This.” Her finger then traced around his belly button, relishing in the soft skin of his tummy. She loved that Michael was soft in the middle. It was beautiful in contrast to his cheekbones that seemed as they could cut glass. It was the perfect place to rest her head after a long day or rest her hands when Michael had eaten too much and needed a little rub.

“My tummy?” he asked with a look of confusion on his face. She nodded before swinging her leg over his waist so she was straddling the spot in question. Her hips began to roll gently, slowly working up a glistening shine on her pussy and the trail it left on Michael’s skin. He let out a sigh as he cast his eyes downward to watch her actions. His hands rested softly on her thighs, mouth watering as her clit slowly became more visible to him with every swipe of her hips. “Love looking at you like this,” he hummed as his tongue came out to wet his lips.

“Every part of you always feels so good against me, Michael, like you were made to bring me pleasure.” His chest puffed out a little at her compliment.

“I was. My father sent you to me for that reason. You are the final piece to my puzzle.” She moaned at his words. Clara had never known much about Satan or the prophecy of his son until Michael had sat her down and told her. And the way he looked at her, she had believed him. She did believe him. Nothing else could possibly explain the snow falling from the ceiling into his palms. Nothing else could possibly explain the way he cleaned up her spilled coffee with just a wave of his hand. But it didn’t explain why he looked like an angel. Why he looked at her with the softest, most heavenly expression she had ever seen.

Her torso tilted forward slightly so her hands could rest against his chest. The new angle allowed her to hit that tension-building spot with more pressure and regularity. Her mouth fell open with a gasp and as Michael began to feel the trembling in her thighs, he gently began to guide her hips with his hands. “Going to cum for me? Cum so hard I feel it on my skin for days?”

“Yeah,” Clara replied breathlessly as she used his guidance to start rutting against his stomach faster and faster, angling downwards to find that sweet spot to push her over the edge. “Oh God, Michael,” she whined. She was like a cat in heat, furiously looking for the relief of friction as she began to lose control of her own body. Seeing this as an opportunity to help her along, Michael slid a singular finger between her cheeks to gently trace her other hole, Clara falling forward at the act. A high-pitched squeal fell from her lips as every muscle in her body tightened then released. Her orgasmic tremors continued to wave through the muscles of her legs, her hips jolting back with a hiss as her exposed and sensitive clit rubbed against Michael’s arousal slicked stomach.

“Prettiest little thing in the whole world,” he mumbled into her hair as she nuzzled her nose against his neck.

“Should be enough there for you to have a taste.” He had been too focused on the beauty of orgasm that he had forgotten the entire point of this endeavor. Humming with satisfaction, Michael ran his hand along the wet skin and wrapped his lips around as many fingers as he could in order to coat every inch of his tongue with her essence.

“Thank you,” he breathed with a deep sigh of relief, his fingers dipping back down for a second helping. With her head rested on his chest it was almost as if she could hear the gears of his body slowing down to a relaxed hum as if her cum was the oil to keep his machine running smoothly.

“I’d do anything for you, Michael.” Just as he would for her. He had warned her many times that there might come a day when she was forced to pick a side, forced to watch him do something horrible or forced to step aside and let him fight. Clara had already decided within herself that she would always choose Michael. No matter what that entailed. But for now, she was content with loving him and taking care of him. The way a Queen does for her King.

Tags:

@avesatanormalpeoplescareme

@aveiangdon

@langdvn

@langdonslove

[news-mashable-yahoopartner-blog]

The 65 absolute best moments from 'The Office'

Fact: The Office is now and will always be one of the greatest television shows of all time.

The NBC comedy, which debuted in 2005, followed the extraordinarily amusing lives of Michael Scott, Jim Halpert, Pam Beesley, and other employees at Dunder Mifflin Scranton. And even though The Office has been off the air since 2013, fans have yet to stop obsessing over the nine glorious seasons.

While everyone impatiently awaits a possible revival, which John Krasinski already has planned, we figured it'd be wise to take a look back and cherish some of The Office's best moments.

SEE ALSO: 'The Office' hasn’t been revived yet, but at least we have Angela’s YouTube channel

From entire episodes like "Dinner Party," to small but hilariously written and acted cold opens — like the time Kevin spilled his chili — here's a comprehensive list of 65 best moments from The Office. 

1. The Dundies

Nothing beats your first Dundies! So let's kick this list off by taking a trip back to Chilli's to see Michael in his prime as a host and Jim and Pam share their first real kiss. 👀

2. Dwight blasting "Everybody Hurts" in his car

In Season 2, episode 4 — "The Fire" — Dwight gets jealous of Michael's budding relationship with new temp Ryan Howard. After a fire alarm causes Dunder Mifflin employees to evacuate to the parking lot, he's seen hardcore brooding in the car. Dwight, windows down, slumped in the driver's seat, blasting "Everybody Hurts" by R.E.M., will forever be one of the Biggest Moods out there.

3. "Ryan Started the Fire"

Another equally gorgeous moment in "The Fire," occurs when Dwight bounces back from his brooding to belt a parody of Billy Joel's "We Didn't Start the Fire."

After learning the beloved temp Ryan accidentally started the fire in the office by leaving his cheese pita in the toaster oven (set to "oven" instead of "toaster"), Dwight sings "Ryan Started the Fire" while waving the charred cheese pita in the air.

4. Jim and Pam having a roof date AND sharing headphones

In "The Client," (Season 2, episode 7) Jim and Pam spend the night sitting in lawn chairs on the roof while watching Dwight set off fireworks. Jim makes his "famous" grilled cheese sandwiches and Pam brings drinks and a freaking candle. Then later, before saying goodbye, they SHARE HEADPHONES, which is such an important moment that Mashable.com already mentions it in two other articles. Has there ever been a more wholesome 1:14 of television?

5. "Bob Vance, Vance Refrigeration" 

In the eight seasons since the world finally met the love of Phyllis' life, Bob Vance, we've had the pleasure of listening to him introduce himself many many times. Nothing, however, will ever beat the first.

6. The teapot

As Season 2's stressful holiday party comes to an end, Jim's thoughtful Secret Santa gift finally makes its way to the intended recipient, Pam. Jim (clearly smitten to hell) gets her a tea pot she wanted but FILLS IT WITH BONUS GIFTS, including several cute and sentimental inside jokes like hot sauce packets, a mini golf pencil, and his dorky high school yearbook photo. Swoon city!

7. Jim's "Booze Cruise" confession 

Season 2, episode 11 aka "Booze Cruise" is a doozy. In a touching scene on the boat, Jim finally reveals his feelings for Pam to Michael. Surprisingly, Michael replies with some truly inspiring advice.

8. Michael's grilled foot

Season 2, episode 12's "The Injury" is one of the greatest The Office moments. Michael burns his foot by stepping on a George Foreman grill, which he places on his bedroom floor because he likes to wake up to the smell of bacon. Understandable. It's a beautiful, overdramatic episode filled with crutches, Country Crock, and Michael trying to shove his foot into Dwight's MRI machine.

9. Pam's voicemails

"The Carpet" (Season 2, episode 14) starts super gross and ends super sweet. Jim's feeling a bit sad after being isolated from Pam all day due to a temporary desk switch, but when he checks his voicemail before leaving for the day he finds he's a bunch of messages from her! Aww. Luv.

10. When Ryan hooked up with Kelly but didn't check the date

In Season 2, episode 16, after finally hooking up with Kelly Kapoor on Valentine's Day eve, Ryan Howard utters perhaps his most iconic line in the series.

11. Dwight's bobblehead

Unlike Ryan, Dwight had a great Valentine's Day, because a secret admirer *cough* Angela *cough* gave him a bobblehead doll of himself. Watch as Dwight experiences true joy.

12. Jim gets jinxed

In Season 2, episode 20 — "Drug Testing" — Pam jinxes Jim for the entire day and really makes the most of it. After poking a little too much fun at him, however, she goes out and buys a Coke so he can purchase it from her and un-jinx himself. 

13. Dwight "Honorary Security Advisor" K. Schrute

In "Drug Testing," a guilty Michael also has Dwight inducted as "Honorary Security Advisor" of Dunder Mifflin Scranton. Hugh Dane, who played Hank the security guard, did the honors, and when the actor recently died Rainn Wilson shared the scene on social media.

RIP Hugh Dane, aka Hank the security guard. He was one of the greats. So kind, funny, talented. We will all miss him. Donations can be made in his name to: https://t.co/z1SAqamWMM pic.twitter.com/ysevEZKOjy

— RainnWilson (@rainnwilson) June 4, 2018

14. "Casino Night" confession

Hello, yes. You knew Jim's parking lot declaration of love was going to be on this list. We finally get to see Jim tell Pam his true feelings and it's SO MUCH. When John Krasinski says, "I just needed you to know... once," and "I'm sorry I misinterpreted our friendship," who on this planet did not die? Not to mention, THE KISS. WHAT A KISS. 

15. Michael walking down to "the warehouse"

"Grief Counseling" (Season 3, episode 4) begins with a hilarious and underrated cold open in which Michael pretends to walk down the stairs to the warehouse. The ultimate dad joke.

16. Good Grief counseling

Later in the episode, Michael leads a grief counseling session where the Dunder Mifflin employees tell stories about losing loved ones. Turns out, they're actually just death scenes from movies.

17. The bird funeral

Wow, "Grief Counseling" again! Great episode. Gotta love this bird funeral complete with moving speeches, Pam singing, and Dwight playing his recorder. RIP BIRD.

18. Stanley on Pretzel Day

If you want to see Stanley Hudson shine, look no further than "Initiation" (Season 3, episode 5,) where the man gets to indulge in his annual free pretzel.

19. The phone call

Jim hasn't spoken to Pam since he transferred to the Stamford branch, but in Season 3, episode 5, the two accidentally share a phone call and pick up right where they left off. They talk about Michael, how many words per minute they type, and Pam confusing 28 Days with 28 Days Later. Romantic shit, people!

20. Phyllis' ultimate burn

After Stamford-turned-Scranton employee Karen Filippelli reveals she's allergic to her new desk mate Phyllis' perfume, Phyllis delivers this scathing hot burn: "Bob Vance bought this perfume for me in Metropolitan Orlando. It's made from real pine."

21. "Lazy Scranton"

Michael and Dwight present "Lazy Scranton," a parody of Saturday Night Live's "Lazy Sunday," to get everyone pumped about working in The Electric City post-merger.

22. Prison Mike

After someone claims prison would be nicer than working at Dunder Mifflin, Michael Scott introduces the staff to Prison Mike — one of his many alter egos. In "The Convict," Prison Mike memorably explains the worst thing about prison... the dementors.

23. Angela's karaoke debut

Angela rarely comes out of her shell, but in "A Benihana Christmas," she makes the office floor her stage and sings a very tame rendition of "The Little Drummer Boy."

24. The ceiling prank

Although it ended in Andy punching a hole in the wall in a fit of rage and being forced to attend anger management classes, the prank where Jim put Andy's phone in the ceiling tiles was quite fun.

25. The missing key

Behold: The Season 3, episode 17 cold open in which Michael unsuccessfully attempts to escape from a straight jacket.

26. Creed eating a potato

"Safety Training" (Season 3, episode 20) is an utterly delightful episode. The Scranton office gets into placing bets against each other, one of which is whether or not Creed will notice if his apple is replaced with a potato. Spoiler alert: He doesn't.

27. "Lord beer me strength"

Jim puts his own fun spin on Andy's famous saying in "Product Recall" (Season 3, episode 21). It gets a laugh, like a quarter of the time.

28. Mall day

Sometimes you just need a day with the girls to figure your life out. Michael learns this in the "Women's Appreciation" episode, when he takes the ladies of Dunder Mifflin to the mall. They hit the food court, give him some much-needed advice about his relationship with Jan, and then he takes them on a shopping spree to Victoria's Secret. Not inappropriate at all.

29. Andy floating away

In "Beach Games" — episode 23 of the third season — Angela tries to sabotage the games (so Dwight will win) by letting Andy drift away in the lake while wearing an inflatable sumo wrestling suit. Andy repeatedly asks her to go get help. She doesn't.

30. The yogurt lid

During "The Job," Jim's mid-interview with David Wallace when he discovers a sweet note and a gold medal yogurt lid from the "Office Olympics" episode. Pam hides them to encourage Jim, and they inspire him to return to Scranton and ask Pam on a date. One ticket back to swoon city, please!

31. Michael hitting Meredith with his car

Season 4, episode 1 starts with a bang, and that bang is the sound of Michael hitting Meredith with his car. Later, Michael holds a Fun Run to raise money for rabies awareness, carbo loads, and throws up fettuccine alfredo, saying, "While I eventually puked my guts out, I never puked my heart out." The best. 

32. The DVD logo

In the thrilling cold open of "Launch Party" (Season 4, episode 3,) the staff watches on the edge of their seats, waiting for the DVD logo on the TV screensaver to hit the corner of the screen. When it finally does, they cheer, and Michael assumes it's because of him.

33. Devil Wears Prada day

In "Money," the seventh episode of Season 4, it's very clear Michael's obsessed with Meryl Streep's character in The Devil Wears Prada.

34. Dwight's bed and breakfast

This is also the episode in which Jim and Pam stay at Dwight's family farm turned bed and breakfast. If you recall Dwight READS THEM A BED TIME STORY from Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows.

35. Michael driving into Lake Scranton

If there's one thing we learned from Season 4, episode 3 of The Office, it's that your GPS is not always correct.

36. The entire "Dinner Party" episode

It's impossible to choose just one best moment from "Dinner Party." The Season 4 episode gives viewers a rare and hilarious AF glimpse at Michael and Jan's home life — complete with bizarre sleeping arrangements, a tiny plasma television, and a catchy AF single. Even the cast loved this episode.

37. Michael singing "Goodbye Toby"

"Goodbye Toby" was the episode Michael dreamed of since the series began. Toby's headed to Costa Rica but not before a parking lot party, a proposal, and Michael's rendition of "Goodbye Stranger" by Supertramp.

38. Jim proposing to Pam

It might not seem like the most romantic setting, but Jim's spontaneous gas station in the rain proposal is one for the books.

39. Dwight's fire drill

One of the greatest cold opens of all time is in the Season 5 episode, "Stress Relief," when Dwight starts a fire to teach the office about fire safety. Chaos ensues, Angela throws her cat through the ceiling, and Stanley straight-up has a heart attack. #SaveBandit

40. CPR training

Michael also attempts to perform CPR on a model in the two-part "Stress Relief" episode, but the office winds up singing "Stayin' Alive" by The Bee Gees instead. A truly glorious moment where Kelly dances like all of us.

41. The roast of Michael Scott

In "Stress Relief," Michael decides to hold a roast for himself — which is, of course, hilarious — but the real laughs come near the end of the episode when he fires back at his employees. Michael goes around the office flawlessly burning each of his coworkers, declaring, "BOOM, ROASTED," when he's finished. It's so funny even Stanley LOLs.

41. Kevin tragically spills chili

RIP Kevin's homemade chili. You lived a good, extremely short life, appearing only briefly in "Casual Friday" (Season 5, episode 26).

42. Phyllis' hug selling for $1,000

Dunder Mifflin's holding an auction to raise money after the office was robbed and the highest bid just so happens to be for a freakin' hug from Phyllis. After an intense bidding war, Dwight surrenders to Bob Vance, Vance Refrigeration.

43. Andy trapping Dwight

It's a duel for Angela's love and Andy's not holding back. He tapes a note to some bushes to lure Dwight, then stealthily drives up behind him in his silent Toyota Prius at about 1mph and traps him. An impressive feat.

44. Kelly's Hillary Swank freak out

In "Prince Family Paper," the thirteenth episode of Season 5, the office tries to decide whether or not Hilary Swank is "hot." When the group is unable to reach an agreement, Kelly has very relatable outburst in which she realizes that if people don't think Hilary Swank is hot they must not think she's hot either, and storms out of the room.

45. Soup snakes

"Company Picnic" (Season 5, episode 28) is a special one. The Dunder Mifflin branches come together to compete in a series of challenges, but amidst the chaos Michael admits he and Holly are "soup snakes" (mispronouncing "soul mates").

Cute Fact: Mindy Kaling used the term "soup snakes" to describe her IRL relationship with B.J. Novak. ~ swoon city, bitch ~

46. Pam's pregnant

"Company Picnic" is also the episode in which Jim and Pam learn she's pregnant. GRAB THE TISSUES!

48. Jim's wardrobe adjustment

Another two-part episode, "Niagara," shows the highly anticipated wedding of Jim and Pam. But right before the two are about to head into the church Pam's veil tears. Jim's response? Cutting his tie in half.

49. Embarrassing 4ever

And what would Jim and Pam's wedding be without their friends recreating a viral video and dancing down the aisle to Chris Brown's "Forever" despite being asked not to?

50. Michael joins the Mafia

In the sixth episode of Season 6 of The Office, Dwight and Andy convince Michael that an insurance salesman interested in working with Dunder Mifflin is a member of the mafia. They go to out to lunch, say "gabagool" a lot, and Michael orders a salad ON THE SIDE.

51. The Lip Dub

Season 7 of the show begins with the Dunder Mifflin crew attempting to go viral by recording a lip dub of The Human Beinz's song, "Nobody but Me." Just watch.

52. Dwight doing Pretty Woman

In "Counseling," (Season 7, episode 2), Dwight pulls a "Pretty Woman" and returns to a store in the mall that refused to serve him. Turns out, the employees were simply terrified of his beet juice-stained hands, which looked bloody. He makes amends, but still manages to deliver the iconic Julia Roberts line.

53. The happy and sad boxes

In the "Ultimatum" episode, Erin helps Michael prep for potentially good or bad news regarding Holly. They create two boxes, one filled with happy things, and one with sad things. A truly brilliant method of dealing with news and we should all take note.

54. Creed attempting a cartwheel

Ah, watching Creed thinking he achieved his goal of successfully doing a cartwheel in Season 7, episode 13, is one of the most simple joys out there.

55. Threat Level Midnight

In Season 7, episode 7, after more than 10 years of hard work and preparation, Michael screens his action movie: Threat Level Midnight.

56. Kelly explains text message subtext

Kelly gets REAL when it comes to analyzing Darryl's texts to Val from the warehouse in Season 8, episode 16, and we could all use her wisdom in our lives. Five dots, Darryl??? Are you kidding me?

57. Michael proposes to Holly

You will cry so many tears watching Michael propose to Holly in episode 19 of Season 7 that it'll look like a sprinkler system went off.

58. "Seasons of Love"

In Michael's second-to-last episode and final Dudies ceremony, the office honors him with a beautiful rendition of "Seasons of Love" from Rent.

59. Goodbye, Michael

Episode 22 of Season 7 requires a big old box of tissues. Michael's leaving a day earlier than he told everyone and says heartfelt goodbyes to all his co-workers except Pam. Luckily, Jim catches on and drives Pam to meet Michael at the airport before his flight takes off.

60. Daryl's daughter classing up Christmas

Daryll's daughter Jada singlehandedly saves "Classy Christmas" — perhaps the worst holiday party to ever hit the office — by joyously handing out vending machine snacks to everyone. So wholesome, ugh.

61. Ryan's final declaration of love

Scared of losing Kelly to a successful doctor, Ryan pulls out the big guns and declares his love with the help of poetry and a horse.

62. Asian Jim

From sticking belongings in Jell-O and making mega desks, to tampering with vending machines and more, Jim's played some great pranks on Dwight over the years, but Asian Jim was a next-level effort.

63. Darryl's farewell dance

The office busts a move to bid Darryl farewell in Season 9's "A.A.R.M" episode, though it's Oscar who really steals the show.

64. The Note

Remember THE TEAPOT? Well, at the last minute Jim hid the card to Pam he'd included in the box, and gives it to her years later (along with a DVD of highlights from their relationship) to save their marriage.

Jenna Fischer still has the note, too!

Awwww...Cleaning out my desk and I just found Pam's teapot note. #swoon

— Jenna Fischer (@jennafischer) October 24, 2013

65. Michael returns for Dwight's wedding

MICHAEL RETURNS for his BFF's wedding to Angela, because what would this wedding be without one last "that's what she said" joke? If the series had to come to an end, the only way we'd want to do it is with the whole gang back together again. It's emotional AF, but "Finale" does a good job of wrapping up this brilliant journey.

To catch more best moments from Michael, Jim, Creed, Kelly, Angela, Kevin, and the your favorite paper salespeople, you can re-watch the series on Netflix. And who knows, maybe one day we'll get that revival.