#I know is somewhat of a common experience in the aro/ace communities of trying to overcompensate/force yourself to feel a certain way

[pickaropoprocks]

Day 93!! Happy Pride!!

[raavenb2619]

hi, i currently identify as an ace lesbian, and i have a gf rn but like,,, idk, lately, even kind of before i was dating her, i’ve been questioning if i’m aro. i know you’re not a relationship advice account, but honestly i just feel rlly shitty about this. i know i love her, i just don’t know if it’s romantic. i don’t even know what romantic love /is/ exactly. it’s so confusing. she is an online gf, and i actually haven’t told anyone irl about me dating her except my sister (1/?)

i don’t know why, but anytime i bring her up, i just say she’s my friend. when i said i was questioning before i was dating her, i thought i was not aro for sure because i had a crush on her but... now idk. i know i do want to spend the rest of my life with her, but idk if i want to romantically?? maybe it would make more sense if this was irl and i could do more romance coded things like hold hands and kissing, but idk. i feel really shitty though because sometimes i’ll just be sitting (2/?

and think “but do i really love her?” and ugh, i hate it. i’m sorry if this is too long or just really obnoxious, but thank you if you do take the time to actually respond to this (3/3)

I don’t really know what romantic love is, either, but I do know that it’s completely optional in relationships. Sure, some relationships are built on romantic love, but others aren’t, and that’s okay, because the presence or absence of romantic love doesn’t make a relationship better or worse. 

Have you heard of queerplatonic relationships (QPR for short)? They’re a kind of non-romantic relationship that’s somewhat popular in the aromantic community. QPRs are often committed, long-term relationships, and they can (but don’t have to) involve elements typically associated with romantic relationships, such as living together, filing taxes together, having sex, sharing finances and health insurance plans, cuddling, etc. Although aros are more likely to know about QPRs than anyone else, anyone can be in a QPR, regardless of orientation. 

It’s worth mentioning that if it was an in-person relationship, it might be easier for you to figure out if you’re aro or not, but there’s no guarantee. It’s a common misconception that all aros are always romance-repulsed, but some aros are comfortable performing and receiving romantically coded gestures, even if they don’t experience romantic attraction. I think a better way to think about answering “am I aro?” is to think about what you feel and what you want. Do you want to perform and receive romantic gestures with other people? If there was some rule that you had to perform and receive romantic gestures, how would that make you feel? How would you feel if you were told that you could never perform and receive romantic gestures? If you were told you could choose whether or not to perform or receive romantic gestures, which would you want? Do your answers change if the question is about romance in the abstract, versus romance with particular people in your life? 

Ultimately, I can’t tell you if you’re aro or not. (You’re the only person who can choose whether or not to adopt that label.) However, I can tell you that many aros (myself included) found it useful to try calling ourselves aro while we were questioning, and after a little bit, we felt that “aro” fit really well as a label, so you’re welcome to try calling yourself “aro” if you’re comfortable doing so. Also, many aros (myself included) thought at some point that they’d had a crush on someone, but later realized that it was really platonic attraction, not romantic attraction. Lastly, most alloros don’t know about aromanticism, spend lots of time introspecting, and question if they’re aro enough that they’ll send an ask to a blogger. 

Hope that helps, as always feel free to ask for clarification/any follow up questions. 

[shades-of-grayro]

“Aces can still love”

This phrase gets a lot of criticism from the aro community. But it’s become such a common example used to demonstrate arophobia in the ace community that we’ve lost sight of what actually makes it bad. 

It’s time we have an honest conversation about the nuances behind this phrase, why aces say it, and how to recognize whether something that looks like it is actually problematic.

(This can also serve as a guide for alloromantic aces who want to be good allies to aros, but who don’t understand what’s wrong with this phrase.)

Why do aces say this?

When people first learn about asexuality, they often presume that this includes a lack of interest in romantic endeavors as well as sexual ones. When you’re aroace, this misconception generally doesn’t bother you so much. 

For alloromantic aces, this is often a touchy issue for a couple of reasons. One, many allo aces didn’t know that being ace and not being aromantic was a thing at first, and that was a barrier to being able to figure out their identity. There’s often a personal story behind why this misconception bothers them so much - one that probably a lot of allo aros can relate with (and even some aroaces, like myself). 

They also find that they often have to correct others on this misconception quite a bit - whether those people are allosexual or ace. There are pockets of the ace community that are predominantly aroace! I know I’ve had to correct other aces on this misconception myself at my in-person ace meetup. Correcting people on this misconception all the time does get tiring.

But what about respectability politics?

Do some aces say that phrase because they want to try to humanize themselves by showing that they can love just like anybody else? Probably. But that is not inherent in the phrase “aces can still love” — that needs the “just like anybody else” bit to come after it to count as respectability politics.*

Still, I think most aces who do the “we can still love just like you” variation of this phrase honestly don’t realize that they are throwing aros under the bus. The number of people who do this knowingly are a tiny fraction of the people saying statements like “aces can still love”

Variations on “Aces can still love”

There are many variations on this phrase, and they are not all created equal. Some are bad, but some are perfectly fine! The rest of this post is a guide to the different phrases so you know which are safe and which are fair game to get upset with.

Note: I’m using “still love” at a part of each of these phrases. I think on a whole, this part of the phrase should be replaced with something that specifies this love as romantic, but that’s not really the point of this post.

The Classic: “Aces can still love”

Let’s look at the sentence structure here… It doesn’t necessarily specify all aces, but also most people would read it as talking about all aces. Ultimately what is bad about this phrase is its ambiguity and potential generalization.

Sometimes I think people might mean “Feeling romantic love doesn’t invalidate your ace identity” when they say this phrase, but that’s not the only way of interpreting it once it’s said, and the other way of interpreting it is Bad, and therefore, this sentence structure should be avoided.

The Respectability Politician: “Aces can still love, just like anyone else!”

Aces face a high amount of dehumanization. This phrase is an attempt to humanize the ace experience, but unfortunately, it further dehumanizes the aro experience by comparison.

It’s also possible that someone might use a phrase that looks somewhat like this when trying to explain what romantic orientations are, so it’s important to look at the context to see if someone is simply explaining romantic orientation (though in this case, this phrase would still have the same problems as “The Classic”).

The Non-Generalization: “Some aces can still love”

Yay! This is a good one! Look at the word “some” in there. It takes a statement that was a generalization about all aces, and turns it into one that acknowledges that while some aces can still love (romantically), others don’t!

The Agape Context: “Aces can still love! They love their pets, their friends, their hobbies…”

The word “love” is very vague - sometimes it means romantic love, sometimes it means broadly towards other people, and sometimes it can even refer to a feeling regarding something that’s not human like an animal or activity.

Sometimes, if you look at the context, the statement “aces can still love” isn’t referring to romantic love. These can vary in how acceptable they are; it’s important to keep in mind that some aces might not experience “love” towards those other things being listed as well, or might have objections with the word “love” due to associations with romance, even if it’s not meant in a romantic way.

And yes, I know that’s not quite the right use of agape. I just wanted a cool title.

The Personal Experience: “I’m ace but I can still love”

This is another one that’s fine! Please don’t attack this! 

This statement is talking about a personal experience. It’s not a generalization. 100% acceptable. I mean, unless it is in a very specific context where they’re spitting in an aro’s face going “I may be ace but at least I can still LOVE!”

But like, that’s not what most of these are. Be very very careful before you get mad at anyone for using an “I” statement.

The Personal Politician: “I’m ace but I can still love just like you”

This one is highly dependent on context. Is it in response to a dehumanizing statement, or is it an attempt to explain romantic orientation?

In response to a dehumanizing statement? Nope, don’t do that, that throws aros under the bus, even if you are using an “I” statement. 

Explaining your orientation to someone by demonstrating where there are similarities between your experience and theirs? Go for it!

TL;DR

Not all statements that look like “aces can still love” are bad, and we should look at the context they are in before making blanket criticisms.

— 

*There are probably some other contexts where this would be respectability politics. If the phrase “aces can still love” was in response to a dehumanizing statement, as opposed to a misconception, then it would be respectability politics.

[skylights422]

@ace-and-aro-wlw-positivity created a Q&A for aspec authors/writers, and as an aspec author, I am excited to participate and answer as many of their questions as I can. Under a cut since it became really outrageously long.

1. What was your inspiration for your character(s)? Are they modeled on yourself, a person that you know, or a character that’s already been established?

Typically I’d say my characters are a mix of general inspiration from other stories/characters and then bits and pieces taken from myself. I try not to make any of them like a clone of myself or another character, try to mix it up, possibly with mixed success but that is the goal.

2. How much, if any, has your character(s) changed since they were first created? What caused this change?

Oh wow, okay I have characters I still use from grade school and middle school, and those characters have changed/grown a lot. Most notoriously (to me) though are my two fellas Euphranor and Kadri. I created them while daydreaming in middle school while watching those science videos in class about how I could make a more parody-like version of said videos, Kadri being the energetic and comically sadistic teacher and Euphranor being the constantly irritated and foul-tempered student. The core of their designs and personalities haven’t totally changed (Euph is still a hot-head and Kadri still likes to troll him), but they’ve become far more nuanced as characters as their story become more involved and serious. They’ve also become softer characters, with Euph having a Heart of Gold and Kadri being a bit morally grey but generally compassionate and friendly. I think the cause of this change and others comes from a mix of things, for one I simply got older and what I wanted out my characters changed a bit. But also I think it’s because I spent so much time with those characters in my head that I couldn’t help but develop them more fully, which in turn made me want to give them a good story. Also, everyone is definitely more queer now then how they started, largely because I became more aware and comfortable with my own queer identity and spent more time in queer spaces (though with Euph I actually just realized he had to be gay because I every het relationship I envisioned for him fell totally flat and yet imagining him as having crushes on guys just seemed to work better/make more sense, and that was an earlier decision).

4. Do you intend on publishing your story one day? Why, or why not?

I definitely do! I have many, many stories I want to publish, as books or comics or tv shows or films. I’ve always wanted to publish some of writing since it’s one of my main passions and have always taken inspiration from the stories I consumed. I just love writing and would want to be able to do it as my main career, the key will just be figuring out how to focus on one project long enough to finish it. xD

5. Surprise fact! Give a random fact about your character(s), whether it’s their favorite color, food, or even song!

Euphranor loves to sing! He hums to calm himself down and even full on sings to vent his feelings sometimes. Kadri loves literature and video games, and blackberry pie is his favorite food.

6. Admit it, you have a folder on your computer of the various types of picrews you’ve created for your character(s). Would you mind posting a few (or five)?

*VIBRATES* MY TIME HAS COME. I absolutely have way too many picrews of my fellas so I won’t post them all, just two each for the core four of my main novel project. First, Euphranor:

(yes he is a Hufflepuff)

Kadri:

(also since I dragged the Hogwarts houses into this Kadri is Ravenclaw)

Ena:

(I put her in Gryffindor)

And finally, Fiera:

(Right now I have her in Slytherin. She could also be in Ravenclaw though)

7. Time to get serious for a bit. There’s been heavy debate on having non-human characters identify as ace, aro, non-binary, etc., but never actual humans. As someone who’s aspec, how would you explain to someone who’s allo why this can be and is seen as hurtful?

I mean, as a sci-fi fan I definitely love if the non-human characters are queer coded, but it’s definitely important to include human representation as well, and I think there are a few simple reasons for that. One is that queer people are, in fact, humans, and therefore our stories deserve to be told as they are in reality as well as how they could be in fiction. The other is only writing us as inhuman implies you consider our identities as fictitious or too strange for a human to have, and queer people already have to deal with other forms of erasure and invalidation in real life. (Also, not everyone is a fan of sci-fi/fantasy, and they should still be able to read stories where they can see themselves)

8. It’s a sad reality that many stories in mainstream media don’t have characters that are aspec, not to mention without resorting to harmful stereotypes. Besides there being nothing wrong with IDing as aspec, why did you choose to have your character ID as such? What would you tell other authors who’re interested in writing characters that are aspec, but are afraid of offending the community?

I have a huge list of aspec characters, which definitely started happening more once I was aware of my own asexuality (and later, aromanticism), since I realized that I could make my own aro and ace characters and then just went wild with it lol. It’s also easier for me to write since I can actually draw from personal experience somewhat for it. Beyond representation having aro and ace characters also allows you to explore more facets of human emotions/the human experience, so that’s always fun.

As for how I would advise allies looking to write a-spec characters, my main advice would be to remember that we are an incredibly diverse group of people, and so while no one a-spec character will resonate with every a-spec reader, an a-spec character written in good faith will definitely speak to some of us. Write them as an character first, and when it comes to things like how their attraction does or doesn’t work and what they want out of relationships, figure out what works best for them. Really, if you’re concerned your character would be offensive in some way you can always make a post asking about it, many of us are happy to offer constructive advice and appreciate that someone is wanting to put in the effort to write about our experiences. Reading or listening to anecdotes from an array of a-spec people is also a good way of getting ideas of how to portray us, and there are various resources for that (the tags, AUREA collects anecdotes from arospec individuals, and probably more than I can think of offhand)

9. If you’re comfortable with sharing, what is your characters’ identity? Do they use any microlabels? Does theirs reflect your own?

Unsurprisingly I have many characters who are aroace (Fiera is one of them), and Ena is bisexual and gray-aromantic. Kadri was originally supposed to just be bi/pan but has become increasingly aspec, will they end up gray-aro as well as grey-ace? Will they end up as a pan oriented aroace? I don’t know yet, but they sure are a pan a-spec. My most recent project has exclusively aro-spec protagonists, Valentine is aroace, Cedar is demiromantic, Raelene is cupioromantic, and then Clematis and Hadyn are presently just Aro and might stay that way. My aroace characters are often styled after my own aroace experiences, while other a-spec characters aren’t as much.

11. Why do you think that not just representation is important, but GOOD representation? Can you offer any examples?

Well, I think there are a few ways to make ‘good rep’. There is the ‘this character helps bring awareness/educate about the community’ and then there’s ‘this character just resonates with certain a-spec people a lot’, and the main reason I think it’s important is because rep should be for the people they’re representing. So if rep hurts the community or totally fails to be relatable to anyone who’s actually a-spec, then it missed the whole point and is doing just as much to leave the community feeling left in the dust as no rep. Of course things do get complicated when the community is divided on whether the rep is good or not, which I imagine will be a common occurrence, and many examples of rep probably fall into the grey area between Good and Bad, but generally people should aim to tell stories that will help more than hinder the people you are telling your story about. (Although I also think that the long term end goal is to get to the point where there is enough representation that it doesn’t matter if some of it is ‘bad’ or not, since I feel like that is the true state of normalization, but that is sadly not yet the case)

12. What’s the genre of your most recent story? Do you always write in this genre? If so, what other works do you have? If not, why did you pick it?

My most recent story (with Valentine) is fantasy, inspired by shoujo style anime series like Cardcaptor Sakura, while Euph’s story is more dystopian urban fantasy? His exact genre has shifted around a lot and will probably continue to do so. In general, most of my works are fantasy in some way or another. A few are more sci-fi or horror based, but definitely the majority are fantasy whether that be magical girl type stories, urban fantasy, superheroes, or dark fantasy.

14. What’s a brief biography of your character? Is their history, personality, and/or looks similar to your own?

I’m going to go with Fiera here. The short version of her backstory is that she and her older brother were born to neglectful parents, and while their grandmother was attentive emotionally she also lived far away. Her brother discovered magic, long thought forgotten, but killed himself shortly after, leaving Fiera alone and confused. She then made a point to dedicate herself to studying the theory and history of magic in the hope that she may someday understand why her brother would take his own life so suddenly like that. She has a down to earth personality and is very observant, and has a great deal of ambition and focus for tasks. She naturally has a more lighthearted and curious personality, but has become more somber since the death of her brother. While she always struggled with sustaining personal relationships, it’s only recently she started using her power of observation to be more manipulative and always keep a cool, pleasant demeanor. She has a love for fashion and sewing, as well as an interest in chemistry.

She isn’t really based on me at all backstory or appearance wise, and only slightly takes after me personality wise. Our main similarity is that we both can be quietly observant and don’t tend to get outwardly angry very often, and that we are both aroace. But I am nowhere near as focused as her, am terrible at lies/manipulation, and have different interests. I’m also way more prone to energetic rants and blunt statements than she is.

15. What are the themes of your story? Is it a lighthearted adventure, or are we talking deep, ocean-sized levels of angst? Why, or why not, did you choose them?

The tone of Euph’s story is kind of all over the place due to how often I’ve tweaked it, but there are certainly oceans of angst for all the protagonists. There’s just also decided remnants of the wacky humor from when the story was predominantly a comedy, and a lot more scenes of the characters just relaxing or goofing off than might be typical in a high tension drama adventure. My story with Valentine is generally much more lighthearted, though there will be some deeper moments for character development (and also because I want it to have a slightly gothic vibe, just Because)

16. How long have you been writing? Has your style changed from when you first began to now? What are some tips you’d give to those who’re interested in writing a story of their own, be it professionally or as a hobby?

I’ve been writing in some capacity just about as long as I can remember, and so my style has definitely taken various shifts depending on how old I was and what I was taking as my main inspiration at the time. Sometimes I went for more sarcastic and whimsical narration regardless of the events happening of the story, sometimes I went for a more quick modern-ish style, sometimes I would focus more or less on descriptions or dialogue. I don’t really know where I’m at right now though.

What I would advise to anyone wanting to sit down and write is to be patient and kind with yourself. Nine times out of ten what sounds epic in your head will come out at first as clunky and all over the place. But that is pretty much the whole purpose of first drafts; the clunky first draft crawls so the second draft may walk so the third draft may walk a little faster so the final draft may run. The other thing I would advise is to absolutely experiment, and see what works best for you. There is every kind of writing advice out there imaginable, much of it contradictory, so really you just have to mess around with styles and perspective and dialogue and see what happens, which stuff you liked and which stuff you didn’t.

17. What’s your process for writing? Do you plan your story out first, write whatever you want then edit later, or both? How might this help others?

My writing process is pretty much a mishmash of writing whatever comes to me, then planning, then writing, then using a bunch of character building exercises to have fun but make no progress in the plot, then neglect the project for months, then write some more or maybe plan. I don’t know how much this would help others, though I have found when I set goals with deadlines and some external pressure (nanowrimo, reward system implanted by friends, etc) I am far more productive, so perhaps that is something others could try if they struggle with staying on track?

18. Your book’s become quite popular, easily reaching the New York Times Bookseller list, and now, you’ve been picked to lead a writing workshop. It goes swimmingly, and afterward, someone comes and tells you that your book not only inspired them to write a story of their own, but also helped them discover and accept their identity. What’s your reaction?

Mostly I would just be flabbergasted, but also extremely pleased and honored to have been able to provide any kind of help or assistance to my readers.And I would feel very happy for the person, since that sort of inspiration is great to come by.

19. Are there any published stories out there that feature aspec characters that you also read? Do you have any suggestions?

Unfortunately not that I can think of! I am peripherally aware of some ace characters, but they aren’t in stories I personally consume. I hope to find more though!

20. Just for fun, write down a paragraph of your most recent writing. It can be an action-packed scene, some witty dialogue, or a colorful description that you really enjoyed. (Be sure to properly tag any possible triggers!)

Well, my most recent finished work would be the clunky first draft of my novel. So, here’s a silly conversation that entertained me to write:

Once they had bought the food, they went back to the park to eat. 

“You know, Fiera, I have come to a realization.” Kadri said.

“Oh? What’s that?” Fiera asked.

“Store snacks are not as filling as restaurant food, nor as refined, but they are decidedly addictive.” he said, munching on Twizzlers.

“Yep. That’s what makes them store snacks. Plus, I couldn’t get any really nice stuff. I’m not made of money.” Fiera explained.

“Which brings me to my next question, how exactly are you financing our meals? You don’t seem to work a job of any kind.” Kadri said. Fiera was almost surprised that he knew about jobs, but decided not to ask about it. 

“You’re right, I don’t. But my parents leave me about sixty bucks a week so that they can do what they want without me starving to death in their absence. After yesterday and just now, I’m down to like eight bucks, and the next payment comes in three days, so after this stash goes it's dollar store snacks only.” Fiera explained.

“I see. Fascinating. And these drinks you bought us, why are they vitamin drinks?” Kadri said,looking over a vitamin water curiously.

“Because we definitely aren’t going to get any vitamins from chips and candy.”  Fiera said simply.

“There is logic to that, I suppose.” he said. There was silence for a few moments.

“Um… Kadri?” Fiera said after a while.

“Yes, Fiera?” Kadri said.

“You know you can’t eat a whole bag of Twizzlers in one go, right?”  Fiera said.

“I don’t see why not. If it is not going to give me the nutrients I need, it may as well provide me with the maximum level of pleasure it is capable of.” Kadri said.

“Yeah, but you’ll get sick. And we have limited supplies.” Fiera countered. Kadri looked at the bag of Twizzlers in alarm.

“These are poisonous in large doses!?” he exclaimed.

“What? No, not poisonous, they just make you sick because they’re candy. All candy does that if you keep eating it.” Fiera said.

“Commoners lead dangerous lives, it would seem. I shall never forget this betrayal.” He said to the bag of Twizzlers, putting it down and taking the vitamin water instead. 

[definitely-not-k]

So uuuh flags... amirite?

I feel like being aromantic and asexual is difficult in the sense that there isn’t really a widely accepted flag or symbol that we are all happy to gather under. In my experience, Due to the unique attraction-less meaning of a-spec identities, I feel that simply using the aromantic or asexual flag feels like I’m ignoring half of my identity, while using both at the same time/merging them seems somewhat impractical and clunky at the best of times. As kind of an example of what I mean is that when someone identifies as bisexual, it’s kind of implied that they’re biromantic as well unless otherwise stated, but when someone is asexual or aromantic it seems a lot more common for people to have more that one label to adequately describe themselves. That probably doesn’t make sense, but I guess it doesn’t really matter.

Anyway, I decided to make one!

I’ve seen a few great design concepts already, and I was actually inspired to make this by a lesbian flag redesign I saw (I’ll try and remember to link it). If nothing has really become official and accepted as an aroace flag, I may as well give it a shot and see if people like it.

The first image is a 5:3 ratio flag, while the second is the expanded image of the flag’s creation, which you are able to crop if you don’t like the current placement of the 5:3 flag. It also looks pretty nice as a symbol, seeing as it’s made from upside down hearts, implying that we don’t experience love in a ‘normal’ way. The arch is also triangular, suggesting the ‘A’ prefix that defines the ace and aro-spec communities. What’s more, it forms an ace of spades shape, which was completely unintentional on my part.

Since colours are kind of important in the memorability and symbol status of a flag, I altered some to make it look nicer. But hopefully their symbolic meanings are still somewhat apparent.

Dark grey—representative of a lack of sexual or romantic attraction. It isn’t quite black, so I like to think it’s also there for the grey-A’s and Demis.

Hex code: #172935

Purple—this is kinda obvious. Supposed to represent the wider asexual community.

#5A4677

White—representative of trans and non-binary aroaces.

#FFFFFF

Light green—representative of the greater aromantic community.

#9AC489

Bluish green—representative of the oriented aroace community, the flag of which this colour was taken from. (Link)

#36AEA0

If you like it, feel free to use this for your own blogs or other social stuff. I would appreciate credit though. Remember, I just made this for fun so if you’re angry about something I said or have feedback just let me know like a respectful person and I will answer you the same way!