#I mean if Jaskier doesn't decide to keep him and take good care of him too...

[thelostgirl21]

Radovid is basically the fandom made flesh, whose ultimate purpose in life is to appreciate and love Jaskier the way we all wish we could make sure he's loved and appreciated.

Radovid is the most relatable character this season because I too am immediately distracted and smitten every time Jaskier appears.

[thelostgirl21]

Geralt "Oh no! A stubborn bard has decided to follow me around! *Heavy sigh* If only I had the means to outrun him!" of Rivia

I don't think I'll ever get over how much of a drama queen Geralt is in Season 1, whenever he's pretending to be annoyed that Jaskier keeps following him around...

I mean, next time, when you find a stray bard on the road, maybe don't slow down your freakin' horse if you don't plan on keeping him, Geralt!

Otherwise, congratulations! You've just officially adopted him for the rest of his life!

He's your bard now!

It is thus your official responsibility to keep him safe, loved, well-fed, provide him with plenty of social and environmental enrichment, and deal with people's complaints whenever he runs off to cause trouble, steal their foods, hump their wives, mothers, concubines (I'm guessing Jaskier has angry nobles wanting to hurt him, more specifically, because even in a fantasy world, women are treated as "property", while men are expected to follow their own desires), etc.

I hate to break this to you, but you 100% brought this on yourself!

Oh, and just so you know, while you were away trying to deal with Rience and his master, your viscount of a bard started meeting and mating with Dijkstra and Philippa's prince.

Normally, that wouldn't really be a problem, given that it's not the first time your bard's been sleeping around with nobility.

Except for the fact that these two are absolutely awful at taking care of their own royals!

I kid you not, they recently had a queen and a king put down in a matter of days, because they felt like they'd failed their obedience training, and decided it would be easier to just start over with a new prince instead!

So, they made Radovid king now, and will no doubt be trying to teach him to heel.

And if they can't properly train him to be obedient enough, I fear they might stop letting him outside of the castle, use abusive and coercive techniques on him, or go looking for a new royal to potentially replace him, then attempt to have him be put down, too.

And, I mean, Yennefer and you have already adopted a viscount and a princess, right? What's one more royal to look after?

So, once you've gotten Ciri back, may I suggest you adopt him, too?

He's very sweet, quiet, and likes to hide in dark corners with a heavy fluffy blanket.

He loves listening to pretty songs.

He's very good at catching things being thrown by people, and bringing them back to their rightful owner.

Also, he doesn't mind spending the night in a shed.

For a king, he's surprisingly low maintenance!

A bit of mead, some warmth, a few hiding spots, your bard... I'm sure you'd have no trouble keeping him happy, and getting him to follow you around!

Plus, I don't mean to be rude, but it's kind of your fault it happened, you know!

If you'd just taken your bard with you when you went to search for Rience, he wouldn't have gone straight (or very queer, actually) to Dijkstra and Philippa's prince, engaged in courtship display, and started bonding with him.

So, I believe it would be pure cruelty to keep these two apart now that they've become a mated pair.

Normally, I might have suggested joint custody, but since you can't trust Dijkstra and Philippa to provide a good home for your viscount, that means you need to make some room in yours for their king.

And hope he won't do anything stupid that'll get him hurt until he can properly be rescued.

The good news, though, is that both your bard and his king are males, so you shouldn't have to worry about them making new little royal babies.

[mysoulspiralbound]

To Court a Witcher

it's jaskier's first winter at the witcher's keep and he has decided he is going to try to court geralt if it kills him. most of the time, this idea very well could kill him, which is why he's going to try again in the winter when geralt's not distracted by horrible monsters and the need to be the most (physically) and least (emotionally) observant person in the room at all times. it's not the first time his affections have gone unnoticed, but he's going to give it his all again anyway.

so they arrive at kaer morhen, and for the first time, jaskier actually gets to meet geralt's family. what geralt had not mentioned, was that one of his siblings had been courted successfully, and had brought his boyfriend to winter with all of them. 'of course, romance is the last thing on his mind to mention.' jaskier's a little annoyed sure, but mostly excited.

he waits until a little later into the season to enact his plan, afterall he does want to make a good impression with the people he'll be wintering with. it's a particularly cold late autumn day when jaskier corners aiden to ask his question.

"how do you court a witcher?"

"what?" okay, maybe he could have explained that better.

"a witcher. courting. you and lambet are together, you had to have managed that somehow. i don't think geralt's even so much as realized i've been flirting with him. how do i win him over?"

aiden gave a chesire (cat) grin, "aren't you the bard who's famous for seducing his way into and out of problems at every turn? but seriously, lamb knows geralt better than i do, why not ask him?"

"why not ask him! why not ask him he says! i am not asking the brother of the love of my life for advice on daiting!" it was only aiden's quick reflexes that kept him from getting hit in the face as jaskier spoke. it was as if he was trying to demonstrate visually the magnitude of the insanity of his suggestion.

"look, how i got lamb is a question i still ask myself every morning, but if you want some advice, i guess i could give you a few tips." the feral grin he earned in response should probably have been a warning.

step one: gift giving

"if giving him stuff was all it took to win geralt over, i wouldn't be having this conversation. i gave him flowers once and he genuinely thought i was trying to poison him."

aiden rolled his eyes, "the right kind of gifts. something that shows you can take care of him. no, don't interrupt, i'm sure you've done a great job of keeping him alive, i mean like offerings, little reminders."

"like what, leaving band-aids on the foot of his bed or something?"

"i usually leave rats or mice. sometimes larger kills. but i guess that works too" aiden shrugged.

it took jaskier a minute to realize that he was not, in fact, joking. on what part of the continent was dead rats of all things supposed to spark romance.

"i don't know if i can do that. i'd probably be the one who'd have to scrub the blood off the sheets in the end, and it would go bad by the time he saw it anyway. there's no point in a useless kill" and screw it, he was a little attached to small woodland creatures, they were harmless and friendly, they weren't food.

"i guess camping makes it more likely to be eaten in time. it doesn't have to be a kill, geralt's probably got that covered anyway. so does lamb, but the point was that it was for him. witchers don't need things like flowers, there nice sometimes, sure, but they aren't practical. think of something useful. preferably something he either can't get himself or that would take time and energy to do."

jaskier hummed a little to himself, "okay, practical, i can do that. maybe potion ingredients, they don't take hunting prowess or anything, but they do take a lot of time. maybe, you approved the band-aids, right?" he could do this.

------------------------------------

step two: personal space

"i already give him personal space. he's not exactly cuddly, you want me to be more distant?"

aiden chuckled "no, the opposite. well maybe not fully. like, you shouldn't be annoying about it, this isn't really about the space at all. it's about trust."

"i trust him with my life on a daily basis though?"

"yeah, it's about venerability. just sitting near him while relaxing, you don't even need to be doing the same thing. you're always together out of necessity, show him you want to be around him even when you don't need to be."

"it can't be that simple can it?" because if jaskier's lost his touch that badly he doesn't quite no what he'll do.

"well... okay first of all, tell anyone other than lamb about this and i'll skin you"

"not the worst threat i've gotten. don't piss off the big strong witcher, got it."

aiden laughed, "when i said vulnerability, i meant vulnerability. sitting with your stomach exposed, or leaning with your neck open should help. probably anyway, it got through to lamb more effectively, but it is your fault you came to me for advice."

"and i do thank you for that by the way, not sure why your helping me, but i'll certainly take it."

"might get geralt and eskle to stop being such pricks about lamb and i. also i just thought it'd be fun."

------------------------

step three: slow blinking

"aiden, adien it's not working. i am going to die cold and alone and it's going to be all you're fault."

"first off, not my fault geralt's an idiot, and you chose him not me." jaskier wined in protest at that. "quit complaining. and second of all you're saying getting to spend time with him is cold and alone"

"using my own words against me" jaskier put a hand on his chest dramatically.

aiden leaned back and laughed at him "given how often you use them i would wager you'd be a fan of your own words."

"look, just tell me what's next on your witcher wooing catalog, please"

"alright, this is the last thing i got though. blink at him"

"aiden my friend, my wingman, my guide in all things witcher wooing related, please explain."

"just blink slowly at him, while maintaining eye contact"

"why" jaskier just looked baffled at this one.

"look, i can't explain it, it just feels right. and lamb does it back, so it's not just a me thing. if this doesn't work you might just have to try talking to him."

"so we're going to move that to step five and blinking it is."

"wait what's step four then?" "why aiden, faking my own death of course" he joked, hopefully anyway.

----------------------

geralt's pov: not as unobservant as you might think!

geralt did not like having to come to his brothers about this but he was starting to get worried.

"lambert, eskel, have either of you noticed something off with jaskier lately?"

"that's what you called us in for," lambert huffed, "he's your bard, shouldn't you know. he's travelling with a witcher, everything's a little off about him."

eskel is only slightly more helpful, "what kind of off, do you think he might be sick, i think the cold can make humans sick."

"he keeps sitting around me weird. like he's always got his head at an odd angle, or he's just practically upside down. he keeps giving me these weird looks, and unless it's one of you two pulling a prank i keep finding plants and bandages in my bed."

"that's ... actually pretty weird. if it helps, it wasn't me and it wasn't aiden. he knows better than to leave me out of f*cking with you." lambert replied.

"maybe we should do a round of gwent tonight" eskel dodged one of lamberts ellbows, "i mean as an excuse to have us all gathered around and watch him. though if you're not too sore a looser to play me again, i'll gladly clear you out of coin."

"i'd like to see you f*cking try"

-------------------------

game night: observations are made, drinks and laughs are had

it's a bit of the way though gamenight when it hits lambert exactly why his brother's bard has been acting weirdly. it's not something he noticed on purpose, he forgot he was supposed to be, but he got a lot more obvious as the night went on.

at first lambert just figured he was a flirting drunk. the bard had drapped himself over geralt halfway through a game - which lambert was totally teasing geralt over later, call it karma for all the comments about aiden. no need to bring up how aiden was practically also in his lap. his head did seem a bit oddly positioned as geralt had said, but it didn't really look uncomfortable. then again, it might just be lambert getting too used to aiden's seeming lack of spinal structure. so the bard was flirty, jaskier was a little tipsy and well known for being a lover, no big deal.

it was a big deal, however, when he saw jaskier blink up at geralt slowly. he knew exactly what that meant, though it had taken it a while to figure it out. lambert was quite familiar that that was aiden's sign for i love you.

he was fondly reminiscing about how long it had taken himself to figure out the cat witcher was actually behaving like f*cking cat when they first got together when he realized exactly what was happening.

so this was why jaskier kept bothering his boyfriend, 'oh by the gods aiden had been coaching him'. lambert loved adien very much but he was not qualified for that.

he couldn't hold back a laugh, confusing the rest of the room. they all knew lambert wasn't that drunk yet, so why was he wheezing like he just pulled the worlds greatest prank.

"oh this is too f*cking good" lambert managed to get choke out, "aiden i love you but please do not try and give anyone else relationship advice. geralt your bards not broken he's f*cking trying to court you."

"and what's wrong with my relationship advice?" adien pouted.

"kitten, love" he ignored the laugh that earned out of eskel, "you flirt like a cat."

"what does that even mean," that was jaskier this time.

"rats at the foot of my bed roll, catnaps and getting cuddly, and slow blinking. those are cat things."

"oh," jaskier looked sad now, "does that mean i was doing it all wrong then?"

eskel chimed in "i think that depends on what you were trying to be doing."

geralt's poor emotional processing units finally caught up with the conversation, "wait, jask, you were trying to court me?"

"for close to two decades but yeah, whose counting." he admitted a little sheepishly.

"oh" geralt actually had the audacity to sound suprised.

"okay, i'm going to make this really simple. geralt, you are the most emotionally clueless person i have ever met and we are a family of witchers. grealt's bard, he has not shut up about you in ages, and geralt never speaks, get your acts together, please."

"you do know he has a name, right lamb" aiden points out.

"yeah, it's geralt's bard."

"he's his own person," geralt defended.

"would be your bard if you let me," jaskier pouted under his breath. lucky for him, witchers has better hearing than that.

neither of them said anything for a bit after that as they were too busy getting their acts together as lambert had ordered.

"why'd you never say anything about the cat thing?" aiden asked.

"became endearing once i figured it the f*ck out, didn't want to make you feel bad" lambert shrugged. "beside, i think i can lord this over geralt's head for the next decade and a half, so really, all's well that ends well."

[teresa-of-ficwill]

The 1st of April

It was an ordinary day and everything seemed fine. Jaskier spent the whole night in the warm bed, got enough sleep, and ate a really delicious breakfast so he was totally happy and ready to travel wherever Geralt decided to take them both. But he was completely unprepared for the talk the witcher suddenly wanted to have with him.

“Can we talk?” asked the witcher and sat on the corner of his bed. He seemed pretty serious and - oh my God - even a little bit nervous. The bard started to worry. What the hell happened this morning?

“Sure,” Jaskier nodded. “What’s wrong? Do we have problems? Do I have problems?”

“No, everything is fine. It’s just… I have something important I should tell you.”

“Okay,” the bard sat on his bed. “Go on then, I’m listening.”

Geralt kept quiet for a few seconds, then took a deep breath, looked Jaskier in the eyes, and said, “I love you.”

The bard choked on air, “Wh-what?”

“I love you.”

Jaskier's eyes widened. “L-like a friend, you mean?” he smiled nervously. Yes, it’s definitely what Geralt meant, he had just chosen the wrong word.

“More like a man,” the witcher leaned forward and took the bard's hand. Jaskier was so shocked that he didn't even resist. Was... was it really true? Has his most cherished dream come true, and Geralt truly loved him? Was he really that lucky?

The bard even managed to almost believe it when he remembered what day it was. The 1st of April. Fool’s Day.

Oh, the witcher definitely pranked him. Yes, that was more realistic than his sudden confession in love. At first, Jaskier felt a slight bitterness from the fact that Geralt's confession turned out to be a hoax, but it was quickly replaced by joy from the fact that he saw through the witcher. There was not a single chance Jaskier wouldn’t have noticed if Geralt truly loved him. That’s insane! The bard always was very sensitive to such things.

“So…” started Geralt when the silence dragged on. “I know, maybe, I’m asking too much but… if you feel at least a little the same about me as I feel about you, I would like to know about it.”

“I know what’s the day today,” answered Jaskier because he wanted to ruin the witcher’s prank.

Geralt seemed surprised, “Em… Monday? Will it somehow affect your answer or something?”

The witcher looked worried so Jaskier almost believed him. Oh, such an asshole with his surprisingly good acting skills! But he won’t fool Jaskier, at least not today.

“No, I mean…” the bard squeezed Geralt's palm. The witcher was a good actor but he was better. “I’m... confused. It’s just all of a sudden.”

“I know and I’m so sorry but I wasn’t sure I would be able to keep these feelings inside me for ten more years.”

Oh, no, no, no, don’t you dare! It was really bad of Geralt. How dare he encroach on ten years of their friendship?! It was Jaskier who suffered throughout the decade with his unwanted feelings, but now the witcher, who didn’t care at all, appropriated this to himself. Disgusting!

“I love you, Jask,” the witcher continued. “More than anything or anyone. And I just… would you mind if I kiss you?”

Oh, of course, Geralt just wanted Jaskier to freak out and refuse, and then the witcher would declare that was a joke. How trite, the bard simply cannot allow being bred so easily. But ... if he agreed, his situation would become even worse and Geralt would certainly scoff at him for the next eternity. What should he do?

A brilliant idea flashed through his mind, and Jaskier could hardly restrain a smile. He knew how to get out. Well, let's see how far Geralt could go with his joke.

“Geralt… I love you too. I really do but… I want everything to be right this time. These feelings... they are really special to me and I want them to remain the same way.”

“What do you mean?” asked the witcher, a little bit confused.

“I mean… I want you to kiss me, but for the first time, it should be at the altar. And the first sex... only after the wedding, according to the rules. I want everything between us to be right.”

Geralt kept quiet for a while, obviously thinking about what the bard just said. And Jaskier at the same time felt like a winner. He drove Geralt into a dead end. Now the witcher would be forced to confess that all this was a prank, and the bard would come out dry from water.

“Okay,” suddenly answered Geralt.

“What?” asked Jaskier because he thought he just heard him wrong.

“I respect your wishes, my love,” the witcher smiled. “If you want a wedding we will have it. We will marry and then I will have all the rights to kiss you as long as I want. And not only kiss.”

“Are you serious?” the bard couldn’t believe Geralt was ready to go THIS far with his joke.

“Yes. I said I love you, and I would do anything to have you. What about today?”

“Today?” Jaskier eyes widened.

“Yes. I’ve waited for ten years, I don’t want to anymore,” the witcher seemed really happy about all this while the bard thought he should give Geralt a lecture about borders in jokes.

“B-but… where?” asked Jaskier because he wanted to know what the witcher plan was. Geralt wants him to believe in the sincerity of his feelings - no way! The bard won't let himself be fooled because it would hurt too much when everything ends. “Church doesn't allow a same-sex marriage.”

The witcher’s smile widened. He definitely had a plan.

“Temple of Melitele is only an hour away from here. I know someone, she will marry us,” said Geralt but Jaskier still seemed confused so he added, “If it’s really what you want, Jask. I don’t want to put any pressure on you.”

The witcher wanted him to surrender. It seemed like Geralt had found out the bard was playing games with him so now he wanted to end this prank and make him a fool. Jaskier wouldn’t let him do that!

The bard smiled and answered, “I want this more than anything.”

***

You can find the full fic here 😉: ao3

[resident-beekeeper]

This is a continuation of this post, because that was getting far too long so I thought I'd split it up.

When it gets to autumn it's time to get honey and wax.

Early autumn mind, so the bees have plenty of time to build up depleted stores ready for winter.

Geralt puts bee escapes in the hives they're collecting from (basically 1 way gate things that gets all the bees out of a super so they aren't there when you take it away), but obviously not in all of them because not all the colonies are strong enough to give honey.

Of course Jaskier insists upon helping Geralt carry the supers into their house because there are quite a lot of them.

Only it turns out that honey is very heavy and he doesn't have the upper body strength to lift a super and then carry it any distance. So Geralt takes it off his hands.

In his defence he did try very hard to lift a full super. Definitely gets points for effort, if nothing else.

The kitchen then gets covered in cardboard and sheets are hung up to cover the door frames. It is also thoroughly cleaned so the honey is free of bacteria and stuff.

Now it's time for spinning.

Geralt is old fashioned in his beekeeping and so has a hand powered centrifuge. Which means that he needs to spend a while spinning the honey round and round to get it out of the wax. It's pretty hard work and his muscles look very good.

This is the best picture I could find on the internet of a centrifuge. Mine is a little different and has a lid to help avoid spillages but its currently underneath a lot of stuff because I won't need it for several months. Anyway Geralt would spin the handle that's on the side.

Jaskier is on holding the centrifuge steady duty because he's strong enough for that, and not trusted with a knife. It also gives him a chance to look at Geralt's muscles but shhh.

Yennefer for some reason is trusted with a knife, so she's cutting the caps off the cells. (Honey gets little wax lid things put on it by bees to preserve it, called caps. This needs cutting off so that the centrifuge gets it out properly. A hot knife is best to cut through wax because it melts ot a bit.)

Ciri is in charge of giving Yennefer the honeycomb to cut the caps off, removing the wax that had been spun from the centrifuge from its wooden frames and giving hot water to Yennefer to heat up her knife.

Which sound like a lot but it doesn't take much to move around frames, and the hot water only needs replacing every 15 minutes or so. So it's only 1 proper job really.

This makes it sound a lot calmer than it was. It was highly highly chaotic.

For one thing, honey gets fucking everywhere and is very sticky. But it's also surprisingly slippery when theres above a certain amount in 1 place.

Jaskier keeps eating bits of honeycomb with honey in which slowly makes him feel sick from all the sweetness. But also now hes got beeswax in his mouth and nowhere to put it. And if you chew beeswax for long enough it gets all crumbly.

Ciri, Geralt, and Yennefer's hair gets honey and small bits of wax in it even though its tied back. None of them can go outside in case bees or wasps find them and follow them back inside to where all the honey is.

When all of the honey has been spun, and then transferred into a settling bin (a smaller tub that you put honey in to let bits of wax rise to the top so its easier to get them out of the honey) it's time to deal with the sticky wax.

Geralt and Ciri normally make beeswax candles together, but the wax needs to not have any honey in it otherwise it smells of burnt sugar when it burns and smokes a bit.

So they need to separate out the honey and wax by melting it. (Wax is hydrophobic and less dense than honey so it rises to the top and when it solidifies you can take it off in blocks. This often needs to happen twice.)

They all gather up the wax that Ciri got out of the frames and squash it into some metal dishes that Geralt has for wax melting. (I do not have this sort of thing, but I figured Geralt probably would. Instead I use dishes that are also used for food which are always a massive pain to clean.)

They then get put into the oven which is on very low, and left for a while. Geralt takes them out when the wax has melted because it's a lot of hot liquid that really needs to not be spilled especially because wax is very hard to get off stuff.

There's lots of metal wires in the wax that need taking out with great care, so of course Jaskier underestimates how hot the melted wax actually is, reaches into the wax to get the wires out, and promptly burns himself.

Ciri takes out the wire with a fork so that she doesn't burn herself.

She also takes out the wax that hasn't melted, which is bad for making candles with. (I have no idea why there is wax like that but there always is. Its generally a different colour too.)

Once its cooled down, Ciri takes the wax and cleans it. (Theres always gunk inbetween the honey and wax when it separates.)

Every year as a treat, Geralt lets Ciri choose one extra candle mould when she makes candles. At this point she has about 10, because she started off with more than 1 anyway.

This year she decides on a light house because she doesn't have many tall candle moulds.

Jaskier gets wind of this and decides he wants to get Geralt one. So he gets the THORNE catalogue and looks at the candle moulds. (THORNE is a supplier of bee stuff. There's so much stuff you can buy from them, including a bee suit with knee pads built into it. They sell candle moulds too, along with wicks.)

There are a lot of potential candles for Jaskier to choose from.

He's very tempted by the 'lovers' one because he is giving it to Geralt.

But then he turns the page and sees a candle that has been censored for the magazine.

And it is called '50 shades of wax'. So of course Jaskier has to get it because hes almost certain Geralt's reaction will be priceless. (This particular candle is one that I saw in a THORNE catalogue. I have no idea how many people would ever want to buy it, especially because you couldn't see what was going on because it had a red box covering most of it that said '18+' on it.)

He orders it separately from Ciri's though, because it needs to be a surprise and also he doesn't want to explain to Ciri why he got it for her dad.

When it arrives he shows it to Geralt just before they're about to go to bed.

Geralt isn't really aware of books that have come out even slightly recently, unless it's something that Ciri likes.

So when he sees what it's called, and especially without knowing what it looks like (it's a solid mould and a relatively complicated design so it's difficult to see what it is) hes just really confused.

Because of course you can dye wax so that it's different colours, but those aren't really shades?

And beeswax does come in slightly different colours, but that's normally impurities in the wax, rather than the wax itself being a different shade.

So Geralt just looks at it in confusion for a long time.

Jaskier eventually puts him out of his misery by explaining why it's called that, and roughly what it will look like.

But by this point the mood Jaskier was hoping for has well and truly been spoiled.

But at least he got a laugh out of it, if not how he was expecting to.

That's probably enough for now? I'm definitely gonna add more. They still need to feed the bees and actually make candles. Among other stuff.

(@jaskierisanangel because someone wanted to be tagged so they could see more? Which is wild to me but also makes me so happy)