#I really wish I'd managed to finish some of these though...

[bourbon-ontherocks]

Pls snippet/tell me abt European butter, awkward roommates, beth x phoebe & champagne room 🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙇🏼‍���️🙇🏼‍♀️🙇🏼‍♀️🙇🏼‍♀️🙇🏼‍♀️🙇🏼‍♀️🙇🏼‍♀️🙇🏼‍♀️🙇🏼‍♀️🙇🏼‍♀️🙇🏼‍♀️🙇🏼‍♀️

@majoris @sdktrs12 @asteraceae-blue @riosnecktattoo

Oh gosh, this is going to be such a long post 🤣 (but thanks to y'all I got to re-read very confused bullet points lists and half-written paragraphs, it was extremely amusing)

European butter

This one was supposed to come after Tacos & Tequila in the now-defunct food series. Basically Beth and Rio start fucking again post S4, along with a vague money-laundering partnership. One night Beth asks Rio mid-fucking if he'd like to go get dinner sometimes (because she's a freak) and he agrees.

They go on a dinner date, and Rio picks that pretentious restaurant Fitz took Beth to once, hence the title. Obviously, the date is a complete disaster of awkwardness, they're distraught in the end because they were both secretly hoping to start an actual relationship, they make out angstily in the street as a result, and the ending is sweet and full of hope although things are left a bit unresolved.

It's a pity I'll probably never finish it because I have more than a thousand words written already... have this snippet that made me snort because I'd completely forgotten about writing that:

She clears her throat, tries to dissipate the awkwardness. "Do you have, like, a hobby?" she asks, on the verge of losing her mind at getting to such trivialities. Does she know anything about this man? "What do you do to relax when you're at home?" "Mölkki." "Bless you," she responds to the enigmatic eructation. "Nah, it's the name of a game, mama," he says next, pompous almost. He then delves into rules and specifics so odd Beth is half convinced Rio just made up this entire Scandinavian game backstory to avoid revealing any actual information on his likings. God. As if things could get any worse already.

Awkward roomates

I have a detailed outline on this one but not a single sentence written haha, so there are even fewer chances I ever get back to it...

This would have been a post-canon fic where Beth and Rio have parted ways, except that one night he and Mick stumble upon a traumatized Beth while casually disposing of a body in the woods (as bros do). She's barely able to walk or speak so Rio grumpily brings her back to his place so she can rest. In the morning she's slightly better and explains that she's been abducted (there's a whole backstory that I won't detail here), she clearly has PTSD so Rio allows her to stay at his place for the day while he goes on his own business errands and evening plans.

Except that Beth's still there when he comes home at night, because she's panicking and developing some sort of agoraphobia due to her trauma, leaving her unable to leave Rio's apartment. At this point they fuck, which I guess gives Beth a free pass to stay longer, lol.

Awkward domesticity ensues. Rio's still grumpy but secretly enjoying it. One day he comes home and she's gone, having finally recovered enough, and he realizes he misses her.

I found this line in my doc:

Things get weird. He's aware that from an outsider's perspective she looks like the perfect stay-at-home wifey, while he's precisely the only person with whom she ain't... that.

Beth x Phoebe

I *think* it was supposed to be an S4 canon-divergence where Beth sleeps with Phoebe during one of their little hotel room drinking dates? I honestly don't recall much of how it was supposed to end, or start, or what was happening beyond that, except that it was a Phoebe POV.

I shared a fair bit of it here already so here's another line:

She texted Dave 'I have company 🍆 '. He answered with 💦💪 which she isn't sure was meant for her or him given that he's spending the evening at the gym as a result.

Champagne room

Ah. The infamous fuck-or-die fic... This one got reaaaally close to getting posted, my draft has more than 3k written words of it... maybe one day... the main concept was that, through extremely convoluted circumstances, mid S3 - early S4 (aka sworn enemies) Beth and Rio end up in a situation where they have to fuck in front of an audience at the strip club not to blow up a cover (that would get both of them in real danger).

Obviously dark-grey dubcon ensues here, they're both extremely reluctant but also extremely into it because they're freaks. Power plays also ensue. There's some grumpy but soft aftercare in the end. The people around are extremely gross. Also there's a dude named Gene who's way too much into Beth and Rio's sex life.

There's already a chunky snippet here, but have another one:

They've been ten minutes or so in this mockshow of foreplays — and by then Elizabeth's breathing has quickened, her cheeks reddened, and his body fucking responded cause there's only so many times she can smash her tits at his face and expect him to remain impassible — when Gene decides to be a cunt again, probably to impress Mr. Bad Guy or some shit. The way Gene's got the mentality of a fucking puppy is genuinely baffling. "Hey, man, are you going to fuck her or what?" he asks, his own hands roaming all around the dark-haired girl Rio's pretty sure goes under the stage name of Gloria who's kneeling in front of him, decidedly undoing his pants. Elizabeth straightens a bit at this to look towards Gene with a disgusted expression, mimics a retch before she brings her lips close to Rio's ear. "Ew. Who even are those guys?" Right? At least someone else gets it.

Kun Pao Chicken

I'm doing this one as well since I didn't want to start splitting comments in half.

This one would have been the third installment of the food series (after European butter, unless it's the other way around, I don't remember) and would have focused on Mick and Annie's relationship. Initially it was supposed to be a judgmental Brio witness to snacking buddies to friends to lovers kind of sitch, alas season 4 ending made things quite harder in this regard.

The title was supposed to reference the fact that Mick and Annie would order Chinese food to share during stakeouts. Basically, it would have been both their POVs roasting Beth and Rio and slowly falling in love with each other.

I have nothing really written besides these two lines of dialogue right before their first kiss:

"You know, your sister ain't the most interesting girl in the room." "She's not?" Annie's voice breaks a little in her throat. "Well, your boss isn't the most interesting boy in the room either."

Phewww, that was a ride 😅

WIP asks

[adore-gregor]

ugh

[thelostprincessposts]

Sunflower [Painted Verso x Reader]

Pairings: Painted Verso x Reader

Summary: you like Verso, but you think he likes Lune, and you're both clueless in love. Angst with a happy ending!

Rating: PG?

Warnings: none really. Canon-typical violence and injuries.

Author's note: I am PMSing this week so what started angsty turned mushy because Verso makes me mush

The realization hit you like a ton of bricks as your gaze followed Verso's lip movements; the way his sentence would finish and the corner of his lips would uptick slightly in a warm smile. His eyes were glittering, half lidded as he listened intently. The way the fire lit his beautiful eyes. How the flames made him seem softer and more content than usual. You could listen to the mirth of his laugh forever; let it lull you into a stupor as you sat there entranced. You wished you could reach out and brush away the stray hair that managed to fall over his forehead.

Fuck. You were falling for Verso.

There was a small...tiny...miniscule problem, though. You sat across the campfire, observing him from a distance. His current demeanor was not aimed at you, but at your teammate, Lune. And Lune was one of your best friends, so how could you interfere with her happiness?

Verso seemed so at ease with her. They would poke fun at each other and ask each other the most ridiculous questions, like "would you rather be a monkey or an elephant?" And then get into a heated debate about the pros and cons.

When did you even start to harbor these feelings for Verso? You couldn't remember a time that you looked at him without thinking how attractive he was or a time when his sarcastic remarks wouldn't make your chest feel warm.

You sighed to yourself and tore your eyes away from them, instead leaning your head on Sciel's shoulder. She was fond of snuggling and gently laughed while wrapping her arm around you.

"You know I can always tell what you're thinking?" She said mischievously. You pulled your head away to narrow your eyes at her. She stared right back with a smirk.

"Cards, yeah? Let's play," you suggested heavily. Since Sciel could summon her deck anywhere, you two were getting quite good at various games each night.

"Fine, but I'm not letting you win this time," she fake yawned before dealing your hand.

"Ouch," you laughed back. You tried your hardest not to look over at Verso and Lune. You'd had enough pining for one night. In turning your back to him you completely missed the way Verso's eyes softened at your laughter with Sciel.

_______________

You then thought, perhaps, that Verso viewed you as a liability. He'd suggested sparring with you to prepare for the next area you'd be exploring. "The nevrons there are really fast, and I noticed you haven't been our quickest dodger..."

You almost spit out the oats you were eating for breakfast. "Uh... I'm not sure how you want me to take that observation," you said, more than mildly offended. His eyes widened and his hands became super animated as he replied.

"No! I'm sorry, I didn't mean to offend you. All I'm saying is that I'd like to help you train. If you're not comfortable with me, I can ask Monoco to help too," he suggested. "It's just that I know some of these nevrons have effects that can't be parried. I need to be sure you can dodge."

It was still early. Lune was grumbling through breakfast (she's definitely not a morning person). Sciel was already helping Maelle with her pictos in a clearing nearby.

Verso's eyes looked helpless. He rubbed his neck waiting for your response.

Your heart raced against your will at the prospect of training with Verso in private, even if just for a few minutes. "Okay, if you think it will help," you agreed.

He gave you a crooked smile and stretched his arm to the edge of camp gesturing to an open area to practice. You walked past him trying to hide the blush that was inevitably creeping across your face. Get it together.

You stepped away from him and pulled out your daggers in preparation. "No daggers," he commanded. "I'm going to send blank chroma waves at you, gradually faster, until you're comfortable dodging them. And then maybe some hand to hand combat if you're up for it."

You nodded in anticipation. Admittedly, you were not the fastest fighter of your crew. You were methodical and always there to support the fight, but it wasn't in you to run in, guns blazing for a takedown. Verso shook his jacket off and removed his weapons belt, leaving him in his white blouse. That damn neckline showed off the valley of his chest and you had to force yourself to meet his eyes.

He started off slowly - sending blasts of chroma near your feet and then to your sides to dodge. As the speed picked up you were bending and jumping, cutting to the left and right to avoid the shots.

"Good. I'm not so worried about distance combat," he said, motioning his fingers to beckon you closer to him. Your chest was heaving trying to keep up with your movements.

Verso didn't give you a chance for a break, instead launching into a series of punches. He wasn't putting much weight behind them. You only noticed this because, as he expected, you were not as good at dodging in close range combat. His hands grazed your shoulders and arms a few times before you lifted your arms in defeat.

"I need to catch my breath," you admitted before scratching your flask of water.

"You're getting better," he offered while you took a long pull from the bottle. You couldn't help the next thought that popped into your mind, let alone left your mouth.

"Have you trained with Lune?" You asked. Your back was turned to him while you replaced the bottle cap and set the water aside.

"I don't have to. She's a strong fighter," he replied. Part of you was giddy that you had his attention, but the other part of you was horrified that his attention was on you for the wrong reason. When you didn't reply he started to stutter over his words. "Look, I...I didn't mean you're not a strong fighter. You've held your own. I just, I wanted to -"

"Save it, Dessendre. Let's go again." Your shoulder brushed his as you strode past him to your starting point. In an attempt to not show your defeated face, you missed the look of total regret covering Verso's festures. When he turned to you and nodded, you'd never be the wiser.

Verso was fast, but you knew the nevrons could be faster. You went through two more rounds of hand to hand before Maelle approached to watch. You'd been in the middle of taking a breather when she suggested it: "maybe I should practice with you. My sword can be very fast."

You took a hesitant look at Verso, but he agreed with Maelle. Maelle was giddy to be included, though you felt your time with Verso was cut short. You and Maelle started with hand to hand drills before moving to makeshift weapons. Her sword was replaced by a sturdy branch, your daggers replaced by twigs.

Lune came over during the sparring to see what was happening. You couldn't help but notice how both her and Verso's faces lit up as they talked. You saw her laugh out of the corner of your eye at something he said and the next thing you knew you were groaning in pain before landing on your ass.

Maelle's stubby branch had made contact with your ribcage and a bruise was surely forming. You felt the wind knock out of you as you hit the ground and Maelle gasped.

"Oh my gods, I'm so sorry Y/N!"

You shook your head as you winced and felt your lungs struggle to open up. Verso rushed to your side immediately and lifted your shirt to see if any real damage was done. "Look at me, Y/N. You can breathe. You just had the wind knocked out of you. Take a small breath through your nose," he coached you. His eyes were intently scanning your face before his hand reached down to brush the hair off your forehead.

As your breathing figured itself out, you felt immense embarrassment and anger at how you allowed yourself to be distracted. You needed to forget about Verso.

"I'm fine," you murmured as you rolled to your side, away from the team huddled over you, and pushed yourself up. They couldn't see the way your face scrunched up in discomfort.

"Y/N..." Lune managed to catch your arm as you went to pick up your water. "I can help heal it if you want." Of course she could. Lune could do fucking anything.

Your eyes met hers. Your resolve was crumbling as you felt Verso's pained eyes staring you down from where you fell. "I'm fine, Lune. I'd like to be alone for a bit."

She nodded and watched you stalk off to the springs to get cleaned up.

__________

You and Maelle were chatting over the fire when Lune interrupted to ask about your bruising. Maelle respectfully slipped away so Lune could sit with you on the log.

It was just the two of you. You lifted your shirt so she could see your injury more clearly. "Yikes, that's intense. I'm shocked Maelle had that much force behind it."

"I wouldn't underestimate her. I think I just lost focus after all that training." Lune nodded at your flimsy excuse and brought her hand to her chin thoughtfully.

"It doesn't look like anything is broken. Do you want any healing?" She asked. You lowered your shirt and shook your head.

"I'm okay. I'll just have to pay more attention next time."

There was a stretch of comfortable silence as you both watched the fire. You'd known Lune since you were children. If there was anyone who really understood you, it was probably her. "It was kind of Verso to offer to train with you," she said.

You didn't really have a response, still unsure of what to make of his intentions. You made a noncommital hum in response. Your thoughts wandered thinking how foreign it felt to hear Lune speak with you about Verso - about any man, really. Lune never was the kind for girl talk back in Lumiere.

"Sooo...what do you think of him?" Lune prodded. There it was. Lune wanted your opinion on the man she was interested in. Her smile was growing and you knew you had to choose your words carefully.

You ran your hand through your hair with a shrug. "From what I can tell he seems to be endearing. He seems to get along with everyone quite well."

She chuckled and crossed her legs. "Endearing? Are we playing a word game?" She teased.

You laughed a bit yourself, trying to relax. "I don't know, Lune. He's not been with us that long." 19 days, 2 hours, and 49 minutes actually. "What don't you want me to say?"

"I wish you'd get to know him better."

Maybe you didn't spend your days chatting with him nonstop, but you knew plenty. You knew he was a terrible sleeper. Knew he was hiding an arm injury from the way he favored his left arm. Knew that he savored the instant coffee the team brought because it took him 30 minutes of nursing his cup in the morning before finishing it. You knew the way his eyes crinkled when he found something undoubtedly funny. And you knew he was falling for Lune.

"I've gotten to know him plenty. I'm happy he's with the team."

What you were really trying to say to her was: I'm happy for you. But you couldn't bring yourself to say it directly yet.

Lune threw an arm around you and you returned the embrace with a hug. Your heart might have felt like it shredded into a million pieces, but you would never let her know this.

__________

As if getting an injury during sparring wasn't embarrassing enough, Verso was constantly checking up on you throughout the next day. It felt like at each mile you walked he was asking if you were coping alright and telling you to stay out of nevron conflict - that the team could handle it without you.

You felt useless and like a hindrance all day. Your thoughts were unkind as you watched Verso and Lune walk side by side ahead of you. Verso was making Monoco walk near you since he was much bigger and could defend you quickly. By the time you made it back to camp, you were over it.

You completely skipped team decompression by the fire. As much as you wanted to be there for the team, you weren't sure you could handle another heart to heart with Lune.

Thankfully, you didn't have to tonight. You scrubbed your face with spring water and noticed Lune and Verso had made their way to the cliffside to chat. You couldn't resist peeking around the corner to see what they were up to. Their conversation looked intimate from the way he ran his hand through his hair and the way her hand was gently soothing his upper arm. Your heart completely crumbled at the sight.

You turned away quickly and tried to swallow the lump in your throat before anyone could see you. Your vision felt blurred and your chest ached thinking of their romance; not to mention the bruise on your side making it difficult to breathe deeply.

"Everything alright, Y/N?" Sciel asked, concerned when you snatched your bedroll and water flask up in a flurry.

"Fine, I'm just exhausted. I'm going to sleep," you replied in a rush before settling down in the cave where the Curator usually set up. It was always quiet and dark there. Once you knew you were alone, you couldn't stop the tears from slipping down your face. Eventually sleep took you blissfully away from any thoughts of Verso's proximity to Lune or Lune's boisterous laugh.

___________

You woke the next day with a wicked headache, surely from crying all night. Though, it did feel good to release all those emotions. You were resolved to start the day anew and distance yourself from Verso and Lune while you sorted out your feelings.

This proved difficult as Verso intercepted you on your way to the campfire in the morning. "Y/N, how are you doing? Sciel mentioned you looked unwell last night." Traitor, you thought.

You pushed past him to grab an apple from the supply stash. "I'm fine. Was just tired is all. You don't need to worry about me." Your words were clipped as you refused to make eye contact with him.

"Y/N! You're awake. Can I take a look at your ribs?" Lune exclaimed, coming around the corner with some fish from the stream. Your new day's resolution was imploding at both of them hovering over you.

"I'm fine," you said tightly. "Much better than yesterday."

"Is it normal for you to wince, then? You look pained," Verso remarked, crossing his arms.

"Are you guys going to fuss over me all day or can we just get going? I said I was fine. Let's leave it at that."

Verso and Lune shared a glance. They were having some secret conversation in their eyes. Your heart panged, but Lune put her hands up in surrender.

A few hours later the team was trekking through an area of dense forest trying to find an old expedition camp Verso swore had leftover supplies. You were thankful that the foliage was so thick that it prevented the sun from beating your forehead any further, but the forest felt oddly quiet. Too quiet.

"Stay close. Something is off," Verso whispered from the front. The only sounds for a few minutes were your feet crunching leaves and the wind whipping through the trees. Verso moved cautiously in front of you, his arm pulling you behind him. You startled at the contact, but your heart warmed at his protection.

You didn't have time to dwell on the moment because within seconds your team was surrounded by bulky nevrons with bladed arms and legs.

"It's an ambush! Circle formation!" Lune called from your side.

The team naturally moved so that everyone's back was facing the center. Everyone was focused outward and no nevron would get between the group. You were secretly grateful for Verso's trainings since these foes were, indeed, close range combat fighters. You parried their arms as best you could and then dodged to land blows at their sides. You had to have been close to the abandoned camp with how many nevrons were surrounding the area.

You were winded from fighting off three opponents, but you couldn't lose focus. Lune was dodging her opponents but was overrun. You helped her by taking down a nevron at close range. Out of the corner of your eye you noticed another nevron moving on Verso and hurried to meet it.

The nevron was fast, but when it noticed you coming it switched its attention from Verso to you. In one swooping motion, its arm aimed from Verso's side to your leg and you didn't have enough time to dodge from the way your momentum was carrying you. The blade sliced your thigh, tearing through your pants and leaving an immediate gash.

You let out a guttural yell as your dagger met its chest, the nevron disappearing as your leg gave out.

"Y/N!" Verso screamed. You were falling and your leg was on fire and you were pretty sure it was the dumbest thing you'd ever done. It dawned on you that Verso was immortal and would recover from the nevron attack. You, on the other hand, were already injured and definitely not immortal.

You could hear yourself screaming and writhing in pain, but your mind felt disconnected from your body. Your eyes searched the trees above you; your peripheral caught the flashes of Lune's fire attack and a burst of energy from Sciel.

The wind picked up again and as you watched the leaves dancing in the wind, your eyes fluttered closed of their own accord and strong arms gathered you from the ground.

__________

You weren't sure how long you'd been unconscious, but the next time your eyes opened it was dark. Your body had only woken you up to purge, for in seconds you rolled over to heave onto the ground.

Someone was saying your name. Someone else mentioned poison. The sensation of wet fabric cleaning your face was the last thing you remembered before slipping back to a dreamless sleep.

__________

You were hardly awake, but you were roused from your sleep by your body shaking intensely. You felt like your bones were trying to break out of your skin from how harshly you shook; your teeth clattered and you felt extremely cold despite a sheen of sweat coating your skin.

Lune's hands were on your leg while she attempted to cleanse and heal it. She had not realized your eyes were open yet. "Lune..." you croaked.

Her eyes whipped up to watch you before she yelled for the team. "So...cold..." you managed to whisper to her.

"You're cold? You're burning up. You've been poisoned by the nevron's blade. Your body is trying to rid the poison," she spoke gently. Verso was the first to make it over to you two. You were struggling to stay awake, but you would never forget the way his wild eyes held yours. "She's complaining that she's cold," was all Lune said before turning her full attention to your leg.

Sleep was coming for you, but not before you felt another jacket being placed on your body and the warmth of a body behind you.

__________

It was dusk when you opened your eyes next. The sky was a beautiful mix of pinks and blues while the sun was setting and you could smell someone cooking at the fire nearby. Your body was no longer shaking and your leg, while painful, at least was not on fire any longer.

You coughed from your dry throat and heard footsteps racing toward you. "Oh thank goodness! Let me get you some water," Sciel exclaimed. "Lune! Y/N is awake!"

You attempted to prop yourself up on your elbows when you noted a log behind you. Lune was by your side in an instant to help you rest against the log in a semi-seated position. Sciel returned with a flask of water, but Lune warned not to drink too much in case your body threw up again.

"Your fever has broken," Lune commented after touching your forehead. Sciel was stroking your arm soothingly, trying to be close to you, but not too close.

"Where is everyone?" You asked. You seemed to be at the old expedition camp, but it was just these girls with you.

"Verso took Maelle and Monoco to look for something. They should be back soon," Lune commented before examining your leg.

"How long was I out?" You asked through a wince while she prodded at your bandage.

"About a day...although you were up a few times to puke through the night. We were afraid to move you back to camp, even with Esquie. You were...in pretty rough shape," Sciel responded.

You caught a glimpse of your mottled leg under the bandage and grimaced. It was dark and the scar looked rotten. Lune had done more than a fine job of closing up the wound.

"I remember you healing me, Lune. I can't thank you enough," you said quietly. She shook her head as she replaced the bandage.

"None needed. This is what we do for each other. We do what we must."

You caught her wrist and made to hold her hand, but her eyes got all weepy. "Lune, there's something I've been wanting to say and now feels as good a time as any since Verso isn't here. I'm so happy for you," you stated as best you could.

Lune's face held pure confusion as she looked from you to Sciel. Sciel shrugged. "What...do you mean?" Lune asked.

"I mean you and Verso. You don't have to deny it. I saw you two the other night at camp and the way he acts with you. I'm happy you found someone that cares for you."

Lune stared at you with wide eyes before busting out laughing. She ripped her hand out of yours to wipe tears from her eyes. It was your turn to look confused. "You...you think...Verso is into me?" She managed to get out between laughs.

Meanwhile, you and Sciel eyed each other, both confused as hell at whatever was happening. "Lune, you two have spent most nights in each other's company."

"You idiot," she smirked as her laughter finally calmed down. "He's been asking me about you. He's been so nervous about getting to know you. I guess it looked like we were together, but I did nothing but speak of you in private. Trust me, Verso only has eyes for you."

"Me?"

"Y/N?" Sciel asked at the same time.

Lune shook her head laughing and adjusted to sit on your left. Sciel sat on your right in a cozy gal pal circle...well, triangle.

"Y/N, I've been coaching Verso on how to approach you. Albeit, my advice doesn't seem to always work, but he's trying to get comfortable around you. He cares a lot for you," Lune shared and Sciel 'awwwed.' Your heart soared at the prospect of Verso inquiring after you.

"That...makes no sense. He practically told me I was a bad fighter and then had Monoco babysit me on our trek."

"He just didn't want to see you get hurt. He's...not the best with words yet, but his intentions were good, I promise," Lune offered.

The fire cracked and the sky grew darker. You weren't sure how much longer you had before the others returned, but your mind was still trying to make sense of Lune's admission.

"Soooo...you're not into Verso, then?" You asked quietly.

"No, Y/N. That's why I asked what you thought of him. I already gathered that he was into you, but I needed to know if you had any interest."

"Gods, I feel ridiculous," Sciel laughed.

"Why?" Lune questioned, eyes narrowed.

"I'm pretty sure I aggressively hit on Verso and few nights ago. Makes sense why he turned me down now." The three of you cackled and it felt just like old times in Lumiere. It took a minute or two to calm down from the laugh attack before you sighed.

"I am happy that you would have supported me if Verso and I were a thing," Lune said, squeezing your hang. "But, I have to know...you are into him right?"

You felt your cheeks heat and you looked down at your lap. "I'm very into him," you admitted.

"Okay good, because that man stayed up all night trying to keep you warm and he's currently out looking for sunflowers for you."

You opened your mouth to reply, but were cut off by Esquie's shouting coming through the clearing. "Mes amis! We return!"

Both Sciel and Lune stood up, the latter giving you a wink before checking on the food over the fire. You couldn't even imagine what you looked like after 24 hours of poison-fueled sickness, but there was no time to fix that.

It just registered to you that Verso's jacket was covering you since he approached the group in just his white shirt. You felt like you might explode with anticipation, which admittedly was better than feeling like you might puke again. Verso picked up his pace when he saw you were awake.

"She's awake and thankfully it looks like she's on the mend," Lune announced. She was stirring a stew of some sort - an expedition speciality to throw whatever you could find into a pot.

Verso's eyes met yours once in the camp perimeter and you caught a glimpse of a bundle of flowers in his hand. He immediately came to kneel by you. You could see the exhaustion lining his features before he forced a smile. "You're awake," he said in disbelief.

"I already said that," Lune chimed in. She grinned as she watched you two and you couldn't help but roll your eyes.

"Lune..." you warned. She laughed and turned around, but you sighed and noticed Sciel watching you too.

"Any chance you can help me to a more private location so we can chat?" You whispered to Verso. This time he gave you a real smile and nodded. He handed the flowers to Maelle and scooped you up in his arms. He might have looked exhausted, but the ease at which he carried you said otherwise. Maelle trailed behind with the flowers saying how relieved she was to see you recovering.

Verso brought you to a tree log around the corner and set you down gently before turning to Maelle. You shrugged his jacket off while he turned away, and as Maelle sauntered back to camp, you both turned to each other with an offering: his arm outstretched with a bouquet of wildflowers and your arm bearing his jacket.

"Thank you for the jacket, but it's getting cold and you may need it."

"Are you still cold?" He asked before sitting next to you.

"No, and I hear I have you to thank for that," you blushed. He took his jacket from your hands and slipped it on.

There was a moment where he didn't say anything, just contemplated the ground and refused to meet your eyes, but you didn't want to rush this conversation.

"I'm struggling to decide if I should yell or scream or cry over what you did yesterday, but I'm just...so happy you're alive," Verso said quietly. A shiver made its way up your spine at the vulnerability in his words.

"Me too. I'm forever indebted to you and the team for taking care of me. I wasn't thinking properly when we were attacked."

Verso gave a small nod and met your eyes. "What were you thinking?"

You laughed a bit to yourself. "Probably something along the lines of 'I'll show Verso how fast a dodger I am and how dare he think I'm a terrible fighter.'"

He raised an eyebrow at you. "I don't think you're a terrible -"

"But the louder part of my brain was thinking that I couldn't stand to see you get hurt. Even if you would recover," you cut him off. You could see him visibly swallow before reaching for your hand. His right hand gently covered your left and he stared at the connection for a moment.

"I was terrified," he whispered. "I'd never felt someone shake as violently as you did last night. I honestly wasn't sure you'd beat the poison. I kept checking your breathing when you weren't shaking just to make sure you were still with me." His eyes began to search yours, like he was making sure you really existed next to him.

With me. Your heart ached, this time for all the right reasons.

"I'm with you," you whispered back. The proximity of his face to yours allowed him to rest his forehead against yours and he closed his eyes. You wanted nothing more than to let him rest, but part of you wanted to soak this up as long as you could.

"Lune told me about your chats," you said quietly.

"Merde..." he laughed before pulling back a bit. You smiled and gripped his hand tighter.

"I'm sorry if I've been moody. I...was totally convinced that you and Lune had something going on."

"I royally fucked this up, haven't I?" He joked. You shook your head and reached for his jawline with your right hand. Your hand cupped his face and you swear his eyes melted at your contact.

"I don't remember when it happened, but these days one of the only things I'm sure of is that my heart belongs to you. I look at you and I'm sure that nothing else matters," you said shakily. He grasped your hand that was on his face and brought it to his lips, placing a light kiss on your knuckles.

"I remember exactly when it happened for me. You and Maelle were leading the charge on maybe my third day with your group. You were trying to cheer her up and kept showing her shapes you made with your ice magic. The way she finally broke when you made her that Esquie in a tiny hat... I'll never forget your smile or the kindness you showed her."

You'd actually forgotten that afternoon; it was distant compared to the trials you'd faced on your journey, but you smiled at the memory. That something so small could make him fall for you, but then you supposed it was just like the way you recounted the way he watched the sunset or the way he would re-challenge Sciel to cards when he lost.

It was all the small things.

"I, uh, I went looking for sunflowers today. Lune said they were your favorite," he grumbled. He leaned away to reach for the bouquet and presented it to you. "But I couldn't find any."

"Too early," you smiled. "They won't bloom until summer.

He smiled back as you accepted the flowers. "But I did find these other yellow ones that I thought maybe you'd like and then these lavenders - I remember you said purple was your favorite color. The kind of purple that fades into the sunset."

It was the most beautiful bundle of purples, whites, and yellows you'd ever hold. "It's perfect, Verso. I love them. I wish you'd have gotten some rest today, though."

He brought his arm around you, warming you against the early evening temperature. "I wouldn't have been able to anyways."

It was comfortable, the way his hand found your ribcage and his thumb moved up and down gently. You stared at the flowers while you allowed the weight of your head to rest against his shoulder. "My mom used to get sunflowers at the market every spring. She'd plant them in our roof garden and then every summer I'd watch them sprout until they were taller than me."

He chuckled and the vibrations from his chest brought a smile to your face. "It sounds like you were very fond of your mother."

You nodded and continued, "she used to say sunflowers were innocent. They always found the sun and when they couldn't find the sun, they would turn to each other. Sunflowers were truly always finding the light, whether literally or within each other. I always loved that."

Verso gently pulled away and brought his hand up to cup your cheek. The way his eyes crinkled looking into yours told you that he was truly happy.

"That's what you are to me - a sunflower. Your positive attitude and the way you continue to support the team will always make me turn to you, even when it's dark." His words made your eyes crinkle back and brought a toothy smile to your lips.

It wasn't until you felt him leaning towards you that you placed a hand on his chest to stop him. "Verso, this moment is literally perfect, but we can't kiss right now." His face turned to immediate confusion. "I'm pretty sure I threw up a dozen times in the last day and I have yet to clean myself up," you stated with a laugh.

Verso let out the loudest laugh you'd heard from him yet and he shook his head. He placed a kiss on your forehead and agreed, "Alright, no kiss tonight, but I'm looking forward to when I can properly romance you."

"Me too, and perhaps when Sciel isn't spying on us," you said loudly, turning to the rock formation where you knew she was listening.

"Putain!" She shrieked before running away. Both you and Verso laughed again before he rested his forehead against yours and you took in the miracle that was your sunflower.

[finalgirlmorgue]

🍵༘PANCAKES🥯⊹ ࣪ ˖

„⤵ MILD ANGST and fluff! „⤵ 2 / (?) PARTS „⤵ JASON TODD X READER Jason is getting settled in his new home, after showing up at your door last night. Jason is a dead man walking, but he still needs you. Read PT 1 here! AFFECTION ROTS Reblogs much appreciated

The two of you eventually found the couch. You sat next to him, putting a throw pillow's distance between the two of you. Much to his disappointment. Jason was more clingy then he had ever been before. Absence makes the heart grow fonder. A few hours passed. You had both fallen asleep sometime after midnight. That morning he explained everything as best as he could to you, his death at the hands of the joker, the crowbar, the ressurection. Despite the granted confusion you followed as best you could. He told you everything. Everything that happened from the moment he died. He really missed you, despite the two of you being dumb in love teeangers. He still saw a future with you, and you were wary to admit you weren't sure you saw the same. He was diffrerent. Bigger, taller, stronger. And somehow more alive, than anything before. “I'm sorry." You managed to say. You felt like such a coward. You couldn't handle touching him, or holding his hand.

“I can't blame you. It'll take some time." He said sadly. You could see in his eyes that he was blaming himself. "You're doing great… I really am proud of you. Just wish we could've done all this… together, y'know?" he said the last part quietly, almost a whisper. You looked down, unable to hold eye contact.

"Things are a little bit different now. You know that right? I can't change my past. Even though I'd like to." You spoke slowly. "You know, it's gonna take some time. I don't regret our relationship. Never have."

”You're serious, huh?" he raised an eyebrow. It was nearly commical. You were devestating him with every word you spoke. "I wanted us to do this forever, you know? Like… forever. You've always been on my mind.. guess I should've known things weren't gonna stay the same. You're not fifteen anymore.." he mumbled.

He had a faraway look in his eye. You wondered how much of this story he had clearly made up inside his mind depended on you reciprocating his tender feelings. But you knew this was his way of trying to comfort you, despite his broken soul. He would give you time… "Do you remember our first date?" He suddenly asked. He smiled shyly, looking down at his lap. The image came unbidden to your mind, vivid and perfect. You remembered how much effort he put into planning. He was more thorough then any man. He was attentive, and a good listener. So why were you hesitant..? Maybe it was his dependency. “Um. Yes I remember- Um.. do you want breakfast?.." You said weakly, standing up and turning towards the kitchen, leaving him to his own thoughts. "I can make us something quick…" You heard him sigh in disappointment. When you finally turned around again, his elbows were on his knees. He was curled into himself. You knew he was trying to be strong. But it was hard to admire his strengths when he looked so pitiful.. It broke your heart. "I'm making pancakes.. Do you want some? They're grainy but- edible." You offered hesitantly.

“Yeah.. sounds good.” His voice cracked. He didn’t have a good relationship with food. After the truama of his death and even before that with the joker, he hadn’t been hungry at all. He never wanted food.. and when he did it threw it up promptly. Food always felt unsafe to him. And that included food cooked by you.. which seemed ironic, because he would have worshipped the ground beneath you if you asked him to.

He wondered if he watched the whole process of cooking from start to finish if he would feel better about it. He could trick his brain into understanding he was safe.

���God you’re so gorgeous..” He sighed. “I’m tired of falling for you all over again… s’not fair. Why can’t I have you?” You paused, setting the pan on the stove as it heated up. Melting the butter into a bubbly golden liquid. There was no denying he had changed a lot. He went from 4”6 to an even 6 foot. You could see the stretch marks that painted his hips whenever he lifted his arms up. Despite your ‘disinterest’ in him romantically, you would still take small peeks and glances whenever his shirt rode up, revealing some of the new muscle he had gained.

His sudden growth wasn’t unwelcome, it was just shocking that he had grown that much within the span of a few years. Especially considering he had always been smaller than you.

But you had accepted his advances with only halfhearted interest. Even if he was a handsome behemoth of a man today. But it was hard to deny the fact that when he looked at you like he did now, you felt a lingering warmth.

He hadn’t lost his charm. He still knew how to make you blush and smile. But maybe you were too afraid of losing what you shared with him.. again..

As you began making the pancake mix he kept his gaze trained on you and the food. He was obviously enthralled with it.. “I like strawberries.” He smiled softly, watching you work through the recipe. He’d always loved watching you cook. It reminded him of home.. it was vaguely reminiscent of Alfred. Even if he hated the Waynes he still missed having a family. “They remind me of you.” He continued. “Those soft, shiny pinkish red ones…” You nodded along to his words. He was always so sentimental.. “They smell like spring.” He added, smiling slightly. You felt yourself relax at his words. He could be sweet sometimes, despite the fact he was now, 10x his size, strength, and power. He was probably better at a lot of things now, you didn’t want to know what he would do to any of the failed relationships you had in your contacts still... But it was clear he still had that innocent side that you once loved. Jason was like weathered plastic in the garden, his old self was fading, but the spots where the sunlight hadn’t burned away the old Jason todd were still as vibrant and tender as ever. He seemed happier than usual too. His cheeks had begun to lighten up again, his skin seemed to glow from just having seen you again.

The food was ready, and you brought him over to the table. “I’m not an amazing cook, but I hope it’s okay….” You handed him the fork. He was silent for a while, staring at the plate in front of him.

“I uh.. I’m usually not so good with food but this does look really good I promise. It feels like I constantly have the flu. My mind is all fucking broken.."

"You deserve a break." You said, sitting opposite of him across the table. Your fingers intertwined tightly with your own beneath the table, under the table. You tried to suppress your nerves. He needed comfort and support now, you couldn't give him more. "You're here.. With me.. That's something." You said, trying to encourage him.

“I still want you. So bad..” He mumbled. His fork clinked against his plate as he set it down gently. You took a deep breath. You didn’t know what to say. You weren’t ready to talk about your problem with the matter of your relationship. You just wanted him to eat, and try to get better..

“Jason-“ You warned.

“Do you still love me?” He interrupted. He was trying to sound calm, but he was clearly agitated. The question threw you off guard. He looked at you with wide, desperate eyes. “Answer honestly. I need to know.” You hesitated.

“Yes.” You answered truthfully, not able to hide the hurt on your face.

“You don’t even want to touch me…” he muttered dejectedly.

“You died- I was at your funeral.. I don’t understand how your here right now..” you said firmly. “I’m just… confused, ok? I thought I understood everything..” You were trembling. You knew he saw, he understood. You didn’t know how to deal with the guilt gnawing at your stomach.. You hated seeing him this upset. “I miss you..” he whispered, staring at you with pleading eyes.

You lowered your gaze and shook your head. “I’m sorry- you.. Do you have a place to stay?..”

“Are you kicking me out?..”

“Well no- but I feel bad for making you sleep on the couch.” You explained. “You’ve done nothing wrong.. I’m sorry… do you want to stay?”

He remained silent and slowly ate the food placed in front of him. His lips forming into a thin line. He looked exhausted. But he was eating the meal you had made, albeit reluctantly and very slowly. It took him about 20 minutes, as he finished every bite without looking up or saying a word.

“Yeah. I want to stay here for a bit.” He replied after he finished chewing. You nodded, relieved. He pushed back the chair and stood up. He looked exhausted.

“I’ll get you some blankets.” You said quietly, walking back to your room to bring some out to him. While searching your closet, you heard soft footsteps behind you. Your body froze for a split second. Just Jason.. Just Jason…. Then you relaxed. You pulled out two fluffy blankets. You walked back towards him, throwing them over his shoulders. He let out a content sigh at the warmth. “It smells like you…” he mused. He looked so at peace. Like you had injected life into him for the first time since he got here.

He grabbed one pillow from your bed and squeezed it. He closed his eyes, feeling the soft material against his skin. You couldn’t help but smile softly. He looked at you like you hung the moon in the sky. A sense of wonder and relief washing over his features. He turned to the doorway, making his way to the living room.

The television flickered dimly on your TV stand. Your DVD’s stacked high, mostly disney and other classics. “I love you so much..” he murmured, looking around your home.

“I…” You paused. “Know.. you do..” you trailed off, not knowing how else to respond. It felt weird hearing those words come from him. You spent nights hoping to hear those exact words just.. one more time. Hearing them now..

“Where were you?” You asked, trying to distract yourself from the overwhelming guilt weighing down your chest.

“Oh y’know…” He shrugged. “Just…” he laughed awkwardly before sitting down on the couch. “Just running around doing shit. Nothing serious.” He admitted. “But I was able to find you eventually. I actually used to sit in the parking lot and stare at your apartment door, waiting for you to open it..” he looked embarrassed to admit that, scratching the side of his jaw. You chuckled lightly at that image. “You should have seen it, though! I sat there until my legs went numb and then I finally decided to walk away because I felt kinda creepy sitting there watching like that..” He grinned, remembering how pathetic and childish it sounded. “But, I had to see you last night. I had to talk to you... See how you were...” He said, sadly. “God…I’m really messed up.” He sighed, dropping his gaze onto the floor. You frowned as you noticed his mood swing.

“I missed you too-… I’m glad you’re back, and I’m sorry I’m being so cold.” You apologised.

He gave you an understanding glance, “you can be pretty difficult to read these days.. I just.. I hope you can understand my intentions. I still want you.”

“Night Jay.” You stood up, attempting to run away from the topic. “I have class in the morning. I gotta get some sleep. I have a presentation coming up.” You walked towards the bedroom, but stopped. You didn’t want to leave him alone yet. What happened wasn’t fair. “I’ll be back around 12 or so.. tomorrow.”

“Goodnight baby.” He sighed, laying down on the couch. You smiled at his nickname.

He stayed sleeping in his makeshift bed the whole evening, until 4 am or so when he slipped out from the blankets and into your room. He was just getting up to check on you, but eventually it became him… getting a closer look.. getting in bed. and passing out next to you. These blankets were big enough to cover him completely, no cold feet. There was barely any distance between you.

“Night..” he said softly, pressing a gentle kiss to the top of your head. He laid down facing away from you, but in his mind he was holding you close, his arms wrapped tightly around you. ...

[yushiteru]

baby, i'm yours

description: yushi x reader (when you dodge his kisses as a prank, fluff)

maybe you've been watching too many tiktoks. your fyp wasn't really curated for couples' accounts and prank videos, but maybe this particular trend was just so popular that it seemed to have permeated onto all sides of the platform. less interested in the prank itself and more curious about yushi's unpredictable reaction to something like this, you put your plan in motion.

usually, whenever yushi stepped through the door into your apartment, you would be ready to welcome him with a warm embrace and a kiss, or if you were preoccupied with something, you'd call out to him, letting him know where to find you.

today, you were in the kitchen, washing up a few dishes from your lunch and feeling nervously giddy at what you were planning to do. "i'm in here!" you yell out trying to keep a straight face. you hear him shuffle around, kicking his shoes off, hanging his jacket up on the coat rack and singing softly under his breath as he followed the trail of your voice.

once he walks into the kitchen, he makes a beeline towards the fridge and pulls out a plastic container of food, the leftovers from when you guys ordered takeout last night.

"hey, what'd you do today?" he greets you through a mouthful of noodles he hadn't even bothered to heat up.

"hi honey, nothing much. i met up with someone from work in the morning and then did some deep cleaning in the afternoon. you should heat that up, or i can make you something real quick?" drying your hands on the dish rag, you reach for the fridge as if to start pulling out ingredients for whatever recipe you had in mind.

"no, no, that's okay. this is enough, thank you though," making his exit from the kitchen, he steps forward to plant a soft kiss on your lips. you knew what he was about to do as soon as he placed his palm on the side of your face, and you looked away at the last second, offering him your cheek instead.

yushi falters, his feet slowing down in their pace. his face is blank except for the slightly confused look in his eyes. he doesn't say anything, though, just shoots you a concerned, but well masked smile as he heads silently to the dining table.

this was already getting too difficult for you, but you reminded yourself to follow through. joining him at the table, you settle into your chair, opening your laptop to finish some work. yushi tells you about the funny things the members did during practice today, and you laugh at his stories, picturing sakuya all too well in his usual mischief. in return, you tell yushi about the new management you were working with for the new project you were assigned to, and how frustrating they could get, but that you were still determined to do well in your role. yushi sits quietly as he takes in everything you say, eyebrows furrowing when he empathizes with your complaints and smiling when you speak passionately about your work.

"should i beat them up for you?" he jokes as he pulls your chair closer to him, thighs pressing against each other. "hah, i wish, but i'd probably get blacklisted from the entire industry," you quip, resting a hand against his chest.

"even so, that would be their loss, you're too good for them," he says in response, taking a moment to look into your eyes before his own dart down to your lips. you muster the strength to look away again when he leans down. this time the kiss lands on the corner of your lips.

his reaction is evident this time, confusion clearly all over his face, and maybe even a little hurt if you looked closely enough. "what is it, do i smell or something? i can go shower," he says, half joking, but half sincere.

"what are you talking about, no you're fine. you can shower if you want though." you hope you're playing it off casually, but inside, you're almost at your wits end, not usually one to turn down his affections. turning back towards your laptop, you pretend to be busy going through an email.

"then give me a kiss," yushi says almost nonchalantly, as if he wasn't going through a million possible scenarios in his head of what could be wrong.

"... mmmh?" you act as if you were too engrossed in the words on your screen to hear him.

"y/n. is something wrong?" you can see his features soften in your peripheral, the concern in his voice resonating between you two. you think you can hold out for a little longer, but when you see him staring down at the ground in thought, your resolve breaks.

shifting in your seat to face him, you duck to plant a soft peck on his jaw. "it was a prank," you whisper apologetically, looking up at him through your lashes. "i saw it on tiktok," leaning forward to kiss him again, this time on the lips. the act is cut short though, by yushi who takes hold of your shoulders.

"..eh? what prank?" his face is no longer one of confusion and hurt, but pure incomprehension.

"people on tiktok were pranking their partners by dodging their kisses. i thought it was funny," you explain, trying to sneak a quick peck in again, but yushi leans back before you can make contact. now, you're the one feeling slightly annoyed, even though you were the one who started the prank.

"i see. well then, i'm gonna go take a shower. no kisses from me today," he reprimands as he gets up to make his way to the bathroom, though the amusement on his face is unmistakable.

"what?! wait - no, i didn't mean it! i want a kiss!" you jump to your feet, blocking him in his path. "i won't do it again," you promise. getting onto your tiptoes, you pucker your lips exaggeratedly and close your eyes waiting for him to give you what you want. it doesn't come though, and when you peek one eye open again, you see yushi smirking down at you, his lips an inch away from yours.

"i don't know if you deserve-" you don't let him finish, reaching up to grab a fistful of his shirt and pulling him down to you. when your lips finally meet, you can feel him smile through the kiss and you can't help but grin in return, not realizing how much you missed this in its absence.

[nattikay]

Neteyamtsyìp at Mo'ara (Disney Pandora)!

I got to go to Disney Pandora for the first time yesterday (I've only been to Disney World once before, it was on a middle school band trip over a decade ago, loooong before the Pandora stuff opened (heck, I guess the first Avatar movie would've still been brand new at the time)). The trip overall was a...mixed bag......due to some scheduling mishaps we weren't able to spend nearly as much time at Mo'ara as we'd originally planned; we did manage to hit both the rides and the gift shop, but we didn't get to eat at the canteen like we'd been planning and didn't really have time to walk around and explore/see the sights like I'd wanted. So admittedly I am a little bummed that we had to rush through everything when Pandora was originally supposed to be the bulk of the day 😔 oh well...maybe I'll get a chance to come back another time...

The stuff we did get to do was awesome though. Flight of Passage was amazing, I just wish it lasted longer!! My brother and I actually managed to snag a second go at it by slipping back into the queue just minutes before closing lol...which was actually doubly great because not only did it mean we got to ride a second time, but also by the time we got through the line and finished the ride the sun had gone down, which meant we got to see all the cool glowing scenery on the way out! I was worried we wouldn't get to see that since the park closes when the sun is only barely starting to go down but as long as you get in line before closing time they'll finish out the queue, which granted us an extra ~45min of time for the sun to set. So getting to see at least a little bit of the glow was nice.

Got a few things at the store including two mystery boxes. I don't usually like mystery boxes as I generally don't have great luck with them but the examples in the displays were soooo cute, they were by far the cutest figurines available, so I decided to give it a shot. I got a swimming Kiri and an ikran, which are both very adorable! They weren't the one I was hoping for most, but at least they're two different ones instead of two of the same 😅

The one I'd been hoping for most was one of Lo'ak digging a sand sculpture of Payakan because COME ON THAT'S SO CUTE WHAT 😭 I will definitely have to be digging around online to see if I can find someone reselling them...I'd absolutely be willing to buy the full set...if uhhh anyone knows where I can snag some...lmk 👀

[niningtori]

violets are blue: a hanahaki au | oneshot

pairing(s): choi beomgyu x you, choi yeonjun x you

summary: you love beomgyu, your best friend, so much it makes you sick. literally. like, sick in the sense that your days are numbered as you try to fight off the hanahaki threatening to kill you every time he breaks your heart with his loving girlfriend, so you decide you'll try getting over him with the help of his girlfriend's friend, yeonjun.

genre: ANGST, melodrama, romance, hanahaki

warnings: lots of clichés, serious illnesses, and mentions of death

word count: 5.2k

notes: surprise! i didn't think i'd get this out just yet but here it is <3 please don't be mean (i'm fragile) and feedback is always appreciated!

it’s a bearable sort of pain, but it’s still painful, nonetheless. bearable is a very loose term, too, because you know if and when things continue as they are, you will no longer be able to write your symptoms off so casually. and as you lean over beomgyu’s toilet and watch purple petals stained with crimson red blood swirling down the drain, you know it won’t be long before your pain crosses from “bearable” to “hellish”. 

still, you manage to flush the evidence of your dying heart and take a good look at yourself in the mirror. your lips are nice and bloody, your makeup nice and smudged. you calmly take out the emergency mouthwash and makeup from your bag and get to work. after you’re finished tidying up, it’s almost like nothing ever happened. with a shaky smile and slightly reddened eyes, you leave his bathroom and prepare for the worst.

and the worst, it is. you just so happen to walk in to beomgyu’s living room while he plants a kiss on his girlfriend’s cheek as she giggles like mad. suddenly, your chest hurts even more than it already did and you find it hard to breathe. well, back to the bathroom you go.

-

you wish it were like the stories. you wish you could get some magical surgery to remove the flowers from your lungs — yes, even if it meant forgetting beomgyu. if you were a better person, you would say you’d rather die with your love than forget him; but as you’ve come to find out, you guess you’re not that selfless. actually, with the way things are now, you think it’d be better to forget. but unfortunately for you, there is no such solution in this world. 

as it stands, the only way for you to cure your illness is by finding another love, which you have been too stubborn to try, but as you die a little more and more every day, you realize you have to do something. beomgyu is getting more serious with his girlfriend with every passing day, and even before that, he never once looked at you like anything other than a best friend — which you thought was killing you at the time, in a figurative sense, but now it’s killing you in the most literal of ways and you’re desperate. 

you want to tell yourself that beomgyu needs you, and maybe he does, but he does not need your love the way you need his. the proof of this sentiment being that one of you is, at present, dying for the love of the other, and it’s not him. 

-

it’s hard to hate beomgyu’s girlfriend when she’s so fucking nice, so you stopped trying to hate her long, long ago. in another life, you might even call each other friends. in this one, though, it’s a quiet sort of dance where you neither push nor pull her too hard. if she’s there, you greet her with a smile on your face. if she’s not, you don’t ask about her. it’s a delicate little charade, but one you play the part in flawlessly. beomgyu commends you for being “so cool” with her, but you have no other choice. if you veer too much in one direction or the other, you run the risk of losing him for good. 

so she is, understandably, very surprised when you wait for beomgyu to go to the bathroom before asking her if she has any single friends.

“oh my god, really? i thought you'd never ask!” she exclaims, and you paste on a smile so sweet it’s sickening.

turns out, she has a lot of friends, unlike you, and many of them are, in her words, handsome. she pulls up a picture of a few of them and your eye is caught by one in particular. 

“who’s that one?” you ask, pointing to a black-haired boy with an undercut. 

“that’s yeonjun,” she grins. “oh, i just knew you’d like him. you’re totally his type, too. he’s gonna freak when i set you two up.” 

“what’s going on?” beomgyu cuts, and your short-lived giddiness is shot in the head almost instantly.

“baby, you’ll never believe it. she’s interested in yeonjun,” she declares, still as excited as ever.

beomgyu turns to you with a look you can only describe as odd. you never talk about dating with him. like, ever. you don’t even seem interested in the idea to the point where he very earnestly sat you down one day and asked you if you were asexual, to which you spent a very arduous few hours awkwardly explaining that you are not. honestly? he didn’t really believe it at the time, but he’s beginning to now, if only because you seem so incredibly flustered at the moment. 

“really? that’s great,” he says after a slightly off-putting pause, but thankfully, nobody catches it. “you know, for a second there, i thought you were gonna be our future kids’ single wine aunt forever. i’m glad you’re finally putting yourself out there.” god, he doesn't even know how much he hurts you, but he hurts you all the same. he’s spoken about marrying and having children with her, but to think that you fall into the “fun aunt” role in his future with her just makes you feel sick. you’d better pray that this shit with yeonjun goes well, because your lungs are starting to ache just as the thought.

“this is great,” she says, breaking you out of your trance. “how about this: we’ll go on a double date. that sounds fun, right?” 

“actually, i think i’d like to meet him on my own first, if that’s cool with you,” you say. the last thing you need is for the love of your life to be there on your first date with another man. what if things go wrong? or worse, what if things go right? beomgyu can’t be there for that. you can’t do that to poor yeonjun.

she looks disappointed at your words, but beomgyu cheers her up by pinching her cheeks and promising that you’ll all have plenty of chances to go out together if things go well. you try to smile, you really do, but you’re not sure if what comes out looks anything even remotely close to one. luckily, it seems like they’re too absorbed in each other to notice.

-

you haven’t talked much with yeonjun before tonight, opting to meet him in person to see if the chemistry is there before wasting any time with just “talking”. you simply don’t have the time to spare, and yeonjun seems equally as eager to meet you for reasons unknown. so now you sit all dolled up and glammed out at the back of a dimly lit restaurant as you wait to meet the boy you can only pray will save you. he must have no idea how much you need this. 

when you first see him, you’re taken aback by how handsome he is. you see beomgyu every day, and he’s the handsomest man in the world to you, but something about yeonjun is different. when he introduces himself and you get to know each other, his charisma charms you in a way you sincerely did not anticipate. he’s funny and goofy, which is just how you like them. you haven’t been on a date in god knows how long, but you’re starting to think that maybe this previously incomprehensibly doomed situation may not be so inescapable after all. that is, until he’s taking you home.

it’s dark outside and he graciously gives you his jacket like the gentleman he is, and you’re walking notably close together on the sidewalk, bodies brushing each other every few steps when he tells you something that just might change your life.

“listen, i really had fun tonight,” he says nervously, and it’s like you can feel the rejection before he even says anything more.

“but to be honest with you, my intentions aren’t exactly pure.” your heart drops. does he just want to sleep with you or something? that wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world, but it’s not what you need. you need to love someone and for that someone to love you back so you don’t get sick beyond salvation. the only way to get over beomgyu is by getting serious with someone else.

“then what do you want?” you question feebly. he stops walking and turns to look at you, placing his hands on your shoulders.

“i want to fall in love with you, and i want you to fall in love with me. i want us to be together forever. i need it, actually.” he says eerily seriously, and you’re confused for a few moments before it dawns on you. 

“you’re sick, aren’t you?” you ask, and his face hardens for a second before he nods.

“y-yeah, i'm sick. if you don't wanna see me again after this, i understand. i just —”

“it's okay. i am, too,” you say with a small, reassuring smile.

“you too?” he asks, eyes comically wide and pouty lips agape in an “o”. 

“yeah,” you tell him, and he’s quiet for a few moments before he laughs. it’s a cute, pretty little thing, and it makes you join him, too. 

“wow, maybe meeting each other was fate,” he says between giggles.

“maybe,” you reply. and for the first time in a long time, you think you might really make it out of this alive.

-

“and you won’t believe it, but he told me he spent the whole night with her!” beomgyu’s girlfriend says proudly. 

“... what?” he mumbles dazedly. 

“he said he went over to her place and stayed there all night, and on the first date, too!” she babbles. “now, he didn’t tell me what they did, but if i know yeonjun, i bet they —” 

“stop,” he cuts in. he doesn’t know why, but he feels that if he hears one more word about it, something will feel horribly wrong. it already does feel wrong, in a way, but he can’t quite put his finger on why. 

“why? aren’t you happy for them?” she asks confusedly. 

“i… i am. it’s just weird, y’know? she’s like… like a sister to me. nobody wants to hear about their sister’s private life,” he reasons, and she nods in response.

“i guess that makes sense,” she says. “but still, i’m so happy for them. especially him. he’s actually had a rough time, lately. i don’t know why, but he’s been acting kinda weird with me, so i —” 

“you’re here!” beomgyu says as you walk through his front door. he’s been expecting you. since your first date with yeonjun, he’s been eagerly texting you about it. you haven’t responded much, but he’s been chalking it up to how busy you must be with your new, well, whatever yeonjun is to you. he’s excited when he thinks about how he’ll get to see how you two interact with each other tonight since his girlfriend suggested you all hang out together, but part of him feels off about this entire situation. what he told her was the truth: it is weird to see you with someone, but maybe he’s just not used to it. you’ve never been openly attracted to anyone before, so it’s brand new territory to navigate. 

you greet him with a soft smile and not much else, which strikes him as odd, but yeonjun trails in after you, and all other thoughts go out of the window. 

“hey, man! nice to see you. it’s been a while,” he says, and yeonjun reciprocates the same excitement, going in for a side hug. 

beomgyu’s girlfriend goes in for a hug, too, and yeonjun freezes for a bit, but it goes unnoticed by everyone besides you. you look at him with as much reassurance and understanding as you can muster, and he replies with a grateful, shaky smile.

honestly, you weren’t terribly surprised when he told you that the object of his affections was the very person who holds the heart of the object of yours. she’s a bubbly, lively kind of girl, and it’s easy to fall in love with someone like that. if anything, it just makes you think that maybe yeonjun was right when he said meeting each other was fate.

the night is pretty fun, all things considered, and you find yourself not wanting to die while spending time with the loving couple, but that’s only because yeonjun is sitting next to you. when something particularly devastating happens, you grab each other’s hands and squeeze like you’re the other’s only lifeline. in a way, you kind of are. without him, you’d be on a one-way train to certain death, and without you, he’d be the same. 

things are pretty light, though, until beomgyu says he has an announcement to make.

“we’re moving in together!” his girlfriend cheerily cuts in before he can do the honors, and that’s enough to make any hard-earned progress go out the window. you feel your stomach churn and you’re finding it hard to breathe. you look very visibly ill, and while yeonjun is not doing much better, you definitely take it a lot harder.

“that’s amazing! i’m happy for you guys!” yeonjun chirps. 

“yeah. sorry, i think i need to go to the bathroom,” you mumble, and yeonjun concernedly looks at you before you subtly shake your head. in that brief look, you have an entire conversation. he asks if you’re alright and if you need him to come with you to spill your guts out, and you tell him you’re not, but you’d rather go alone.

while his girlfriend may not catch it, beomgyu certainly does. that odd, silent conversation that only yeonjun and you seem privy to. the fact that you two seem to have a level of understanding with words unspoken makes him feel suffocated, and there’s an unknown sharpness in his chest. 

he tries to join back in on the banter, but he can’t shake the uncanny feeling he has, so he excuses himself and follows you to the bathroom. 

now, he knows this is really fucking weird to do, so he almost doesn’t do it, but the sound of you retching makes him abandon all consideration of right and wrong. he presses his ear to the door and hears hushed sobs in between hacks, and it makes his eyes widen in horror and concern. 

he’s not sure how much time passes, but he hears the heartbreaking sounds die out, and then he hears the water run and you clearing your throat. he takes the cue to stop pressing against the door, and before long, you step out of the bathroom while looking perfectly put together. you flinch almost imperceptibly when you catch him right outside the door. 

“are you alright?!” he exclaims, but you just nod and begin to push past him, murmuring something about being fine, but that you and yeonjun need to leave because something came up. he didn’t even know you could move so fast, and he finds that he’s borderline chasing you to the living room where his girlfriend and yeonjun look up in surprise at the scene before them.

“do we need to leave?” yeonjun asks carefully.

“yeah,” you say shortly, and you’re booking it out of the door and onto the porch before beomgyu grabs your arm and spins you around to face him. his girlfriend hesitantly follows yeonjun outside and watches the entire ordeal as puzzle pieces begin to fit together in her mind.

“are you alright?!” he repeats, and you just face him with a withering, humbling look.

“i’m okay. i just don’t feel good tonight, but i’ll be alright. congratulations on everything, i’m sorry i can’t stay to celebrate.” and normally that would be enough to throw him off of your scent, but beomgyu remembers your muffled cries, and he won’t be swayed so easily. 

“what’s wrong? no bullshit. just tell me,” he demands in a way that is uncharacteristically solemn, but you can’t answer that. the only way to get him to forget about you is for you to distract him with the person he loves most.

“but your girlfriend —” 

“don't even start. what’s wrong?” he, well, asks isn’t even really the world, is it? there’s no room for negotiation in his tone. 

“i… i’m sick,” is all you can really say. 

“sick how? sick like you need me to take you home?” and he doesn’t really believe his own implication that it’s something so easily fixable, but he has to try. 

“i’m… i’m really sick. sick like i’m dying, sick,” you manage to croak out, and it’s everything he feared and more.

“what’s wrong?! do you need to go to the hospital?!” he panics, and you feel an overwhelming sense of dread. this is what you wanted to avoid because he can’t help you. nobody can. 

“baby?” the soft voice of his girlfriend pipes up from behind you. his gaze is torn away from you for just a moment, but that’s enough to make you ache.

“not now!” he snaps before turning his attention back to you, but it’s too late. you feel the sharp stems scratching at your lungs, causing a scorching sort of pain you can’t even put into words. slowly, you begin to cough — choke, really — and beomgyu is helpless to watch as you clutch your chest and hack up a mess of bloodied, tangled flowers. his eyes widen as he takes in the blood seeping from the corners of your mouth. 

“who?” he asks shakily as you finish coughing up the last of the petals, and you know he’s asking who your unrequited love is, but you don’t reply. you can’t reply. 

“who is it?” he asks again with more edge to his voice, but you still can’t muster up the courage to answer him. you could lie like you usually do, but you’re so tired, you just can’t anymore.

“baby?” his girlfriend repeats.

“what?!” he snaps, unable to help himself from losing his temper as he turns to look at her.

“it’s… it’s you,” is all she says, and his scowl drops and morphs into incredulity and dread.

“that's impossible,” he whispers, but one look at you and your twisted expression is enough to erase all doubt. “m-me? listen, you know i love you, but i —” 

“it's alright,” you coax, trying to placate him. even in your darkest moments, you're still putting his feelings first, and the thought alone is suffocating him. “i know. i really, really do. you don’t have to explain it to me.” and your “comforting” smile would be more convincing if it weren't stained red. 

“but you’re sick! you —” 

“i’ll be alright,” you whisper, and he’s at a loss for words at how calm you seem to be. how can you be so resigned? he looks at you — really, truly looks at you — for the first time in god knows how long, and he finally notices how different you are. your frame is lighter, your cheeks are more pronounced, and there are violet bags underneath your bloodshot eyes. how could he have missed so many signs? you’re dying, no way around it, and he was so busy playing house with his girlfriend, he had no idea just how much you were — are — suffering. it’s unforgivable, but he can tell you’ve forgiven him, anyway. how long have you been forgiving him? since the start of his current relationship? or even before that? 

“we should go,” yeonjun cuts in tentatively. you just tearily nod, and before beomgyu can say anything more, you’re in yeonjun’s car and driving away.

-

he calls and texts for days on end, but you don’t respond. at some point, he resolves to come see you in person. the way you looked the last time he saw you haunts him viciously. he just has to see you. he just has to be sure.

but when he shows up at your doorstep, you just look exhausted and even worse for wear. you don’t greet him, even, you just sigh and walk back to your bedroom before plopping down into the bed and looking at him with a look he can only describe as unreadable. 

“i just h-had to make sure you’re okay,” he stammers.

“i’m okay,” you reply gently. “i just need some time.” 

“b-but maybe if i —” 

“it won’t work. the only way out of this is for you to love me back, or for me to get over you. yeonjun is helping me, so it’s going to be alright, i think.”

“what if i —” 

“you can’t make yourself love me, beomgyu,” you say softly, the slightest tinge of a reprimand in your voice. 

“i… i can try,” he whimpers.

“yes, but i don't want you to. you have a girlfriend,” you patiently reply, but your seemingly unshakable patience just makes him more desperate.

“then what do you want me to do? i’m killing you!” he exclaims, and you wince as a sharp pain strikes your temples at the noise. he notices your response, and he just wants to die from the guilt.

“i don’t want you to do anything. that’s why i didn’t tell you.” how could you not want him to do anything? how could you possibly ask that of him? 

“h-how can you say that? how can you just expect me to watch you die?” he whines, tears spilling down his cheeks as he looks to you for a perfect solution that will never come.

“i’m alright,” you tell him again, but the way you wheeze afterwards suggests otherwise.

he goes to grab you, maybe to pat your back or maybe to hold you, he’s not really sure, but you feebly put your hand up to stop him before he gets too close. it’s an innocent gesture in and of itself, yet it somehow feels like you just smacked him across the face. 

“don’t touch me,” you say, but it’s more like a plea than anything else. “it’ll just hurt me more.” with that, your words devolve into a coughing fit and all he can do is watch as splatters of blood and stems stain the tissue you cough into. he never, not in a million years, thought that his touch would hurt you. it’s supposed to soothe you like nothing else. you know, the way your touch soothes him.

“i think you should go,” you suggest after your coughing has died down. he can see the aftermath of his mere presence etched into the tired lines on your face, and he feels less like a person and more like the scum of the earth. 

-

“what are you thinking about?” a sweet voice says, effectively pulling him out of his reverie. beomgyu is currently supposed to be cooking dinner with his girlfriend, but he’s spending more time spacing out than actually cooking the noodles he’s meant to be stirring.

“n-nothing,” he sputters, but her knit eyebrows and frown let him know he has to elaborate. still, he pretends he doesn’t notice her silent urging and returns to his task. 

he can feel her stare on him as he watches the pot, and it’s not very long before she sighs and says her next words.

“you’re thinking about her, aren’t you?” 

“what? n-no! i just —” 

“yes, you are.” and her tone isn’t accusatory, but it’s filled with a sense of knowing. “it’s normal to think about her, you know? she’s dying and —” 

“don’t say that! why would you say that?! she’s not going to die!” he yells, slamming down the fork he was using to stir and turning to face her. he’s visibly shaking with rage — which makes no sense given that he knows, she knows, and even you know that her words are true. 

“she’s going to die,” she repeats. “you need to accept that.”

“how can you expect me to accept that?! you two just expect me to be okay with her fucking dying! well, i’m not!” he cries, tears streaming down his face as his words get louder and louder. 

“... i think you need to take some time to cool down. i’ll stay with my parents, so do what you need to do. when you’re ready, just call me, okay?” she says, and he only sobers up after he hears the front door slam shut.

-

beomgyu stays in an odd sort of purgatory. he’s constantly torn between contacting you and leaving you alone like you so obviously want. he tells himself that you’re his best friend, so of course he wants to see you and comfort you, but it feels much deeper than that. like there’s something unsolved and untouched that he just needs to dig a little deeper to figure out, but as for what that something is, he can’t seem to quite grasp. 

with this in mind, he never, not in a million years, anticipated that you’d be here on his doorstep. but here you are. you look even worse than before, somehow, which he is surprised by seeing as how things with yeonjun seem to be going well if yeonjun’s instagram updates of the both of you mean anything at all. he invites you in and offers you a seat, but you refuse. 

“come on, sit down. you must be tired,” he urges, but you wave your hand. 

“i don’t need to stay here long,” you dismiss, and it hurts his heart. “i just need one thing from you, and i’ll be out of here.”

“you need something from me? sure, anything! w-what is it?” and he sounds so hopeful, so earnest. maybe there’s a way to undo what he’s done. maybe he can help you after all. no matter what it is, he knows he can do it.

“... i need you to reject me,” is all you say, but the words ring in his ears. reject you? how can he reject you when it looks like a breeze could knock you over?

“b-but why?” he stammers, and you sigh.

“i finally figured it out. i just need to hear you tell me that you don’t love me, then i think i’ll be able to fully let you go for good.” usually, you’d have a soft smile on your face in order to comfort him, but your face is blank except for your eyes, which seem more desperate than anything he’s ever seen. but your words confuse him.

“let me go for good?” 

“yeah. i think if i can just hear you say it, i won’t need to see you anymore. i won’t ask for anything else, i just need to hear it from you,” you say determinedly. but he’s stuck on “i won’t need to see you anymore”. what could you possibly mean by that? 

“what do you mean you won't need to see me anymore?” he asks, voice devoid of any ill intent, but filled with genuine confusion.

“i mean, yeonjun doesn’t like me seeing you for obvious reasons, but i told him that i think i’ll be okay after this.” his confusion turns into dread. things that were a mystery to him suddenly make perfect sense.

“i can’t,” he chokes out, and you’re visibly stunned before anger explodes inside of you. 

“you can’t? what the fuck do you mean you can’t? why can’t you?!” you seethe. you’ve done everything for beomgyu, you even almost paid the ultimate price for him just so you wouldn’t have to make him uncomfortable with your feelings. you’re quite literally dying because of him, and he can’t offer up a meager sentence for you?

“i… i can’t say it. please don’t make me say it,” he pleads. “i’ll do anything else — anything, i swear to god!”

“beomgyu, there is nothing else. this is the only way. i’m not asking you for much, just say it, then i’ll be okay.” but he can’t do what you ask of him. not when he’s realized what he just realized. 

“b-but i… i do love you. i’m sorry, i just didn’t realize it until just now, but i do. a-and if you’ll have me, i —” smack! and his pathetic speech is stopped by your hand meeting his cheek. 

“you are so fucking selfish,” you spit, voice low, but vibrating with rage. “more selfish than i will ever be able to understand.” 

“w-what do you —” 

“beomgyu, you have a girlfriend. a girlfriend who loves you. what about her? huh?” you ask, and his previous momentum falters, but you’re not even finished yet. 

“and if she gets sick, are you gonna leave me and tell her you want her instead? you can’t do that, beomgyu. i won’t accept that. i won’t accept your love just because you feel sorry for me,” you declare, voice cracking as thick, hot tears roll down your cheeks. he’s still speechless, so you somehow find it in yourself to continue.

“i’m not doing this with you right now. call your girlfriend, tell her you’re sorry, and tell her she doesn’t have to worry about me anymore. and even if i’m gone, don’t you dare tell her what you told me today, okay?” and it’s not really an ask as much as a demand. 

“i can’t do that,” he whispers, and you’re not sure if the ache in your heart comes from the briars encircling it or from how pained he looks.

“i know i’m selfish. i know i’m a bastard. but seeing you with yeonjun, or worse, not seeing you at all? that’ll fucking kill me. i just can’t do it. i don’t want to hurt her, but i don’t want to lie to her. or you. or myself,” he says shakily.

“what are you saying?” you ask. this is not how you anticipated things would go. 

“i’m saying that if you leave me, i’ll be sick,” he says shakily. “j-just the thought of that makes me…” and it’s a surprise to the both of you when he coughs like crazy, and it’s to the horror to the both of you when a pretty, blood-stained violet petal escapes his mouth.

“oh god,” you whisper. “you can’t do this.”

“i can’t help it!” he exclaims. “i didn’t know before, but it’s true. i just didn’t realize it. i’m just — i’m just sorry i didn’t realize it.” 

“beomgyu, it’s going to kill her,” you say, dread evident in your tone.

“i know,” he says tearily. “but it’s you. it’s always been you. we can’t change it.” 

“i can’t do this to her. it’s wrong,” is all you can say. 

“i can’t live without you, and you can’t live without me,” he replies. “w-whatever happens, can we please just figure it out together? i don’t think i can handle another day without you. i think it might really kill me.” he pushes your hair off of your sweaty forehead, and you know as you feel your heart lighten that you have no choice. if not for you, then for him. whatever happens with his girlfriend, you will try your damndest to make sure she doesn't have the same fate as the two of you. 

“okay?” he asks. 

“o-okay,” you tell him, because what else is there to say? 

notes pt. 2: lorddd i know this ending will be polarizing but what can we do... it is what it is :(

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[dragqueenstarscream]

Personally, I'd kill for a Starop fic/ onshot where Starscream finally manages to cut ties with Megatron and it's just fluff of Optimus comforting him and assuring him it was the right thing to do, that everything will be ok for the both of them

-💌 anon

i wanna scream at the top of my lungs

tfp starscream x optimus prime

i've been waiting for an excuse to write something like this! i already have a fic like this planned for my monsterformers continuity, but let's do one for tfp because i just really want starscream to stick it to this particular megatron.

title comes from "lost in the ocean" by glass animals.

contains: established relationship, starscream leaving megatron, implied abuse, angst, fluff, optimus being a supportive partner

the night sky stretched on endlessly over jasper, nevada as the town slept below. apart from a few busy establishments, the people had turned in for the night. the same couldn't be said for the autobots, who were living it up in the omega base, passing around high grade and celebrating a hard fought victory.

away from them, though, sitting on a cliffside, sat one bot in deep contemplation.

starscream looked a mess. though ratchet had patched up his injuries, he still had filth packed into his seams and a smear of energon along his jaw. his thick brows were furrowed in concentration, as if pondering some impossible question.

but one thing stood out above all else.

starscream was alive.

he couldn't believe it himself, the more he thought about it. sure, the evidence for him being alive was right there; he could see the sky above him, feel the ground beneath his pedes, hear the night breeze swirling around his wings. but he felt as if it shouldn't be real. this existence, this reality was obviously nothing more than the dreams of a dying bot, and they would fade any minute now as he joined with the allspark.

but they never faded, and he never died.

the planet turned. the stars above passed by. the night grew shorter. the world moved on.

but starscream still felt stuck in place. mentally, whenever he lost focus of his environment, he found himself back outside the nemesis, daring to look megatron in the eye while his leader held his fusion cannon to his head. he couldn't bring himself out of that standstill. how could he? he was about to die. how could he move on when he was staring death in the face?

the stars drifted by overhead like ships on a glassy black ocean. a lone car drove by on the highway far below. the world moved on.

the sound of heavy thumps tugged starscream out of his thought spiral. for a moment, he thought that megatron had come to finish the job, but he knew the sound of his leader's steps from anywhere.

former leader. he had to keep reminding himself that.

"starscream?" a familiar rumble of a voice said from behind him. of course. it was optimus, doing his team leader duty, as usual.

"what do you want?" starscream grumbled, pulling his knees closer to his chest.

"ratchet told me i'd find you up here," optimus said. he came up on starscream's right and took his seat at the cliffside. the two bots stayed quiet for a few moments until optimus broke the silence. "how are you feeling?"

"how do you think i'm feeling?" starscream snorted derisively. "i'm now public enemy number one of the entire decepticon legion."

optimus only nodded, and his silence allowed starscream some more time to vent. "i can't believe i did that. i can't believe i actually did that. what kind of glitchhead says something like that?"

"what do you mean?" optimus asked, turning to look at starscream.

"what are you- i told megatron to go frag himself!" starscream exclaimed. "no one does that unless they have a death wish!"

"starscream," optimus started to say, but starscream wasn't done rambling.

"i should be offline," he said bluntly, getting up and starting to pace back and forth. "i shouldn't even be here. i told him off, and now, the entire decepticon legion will come for me."

"starscream," optimus spoke up, but starscream had more to say.

"why am i still here?" starscream asked, shaking his head, optics turned skyward. "i don't even know how i'm still online! primus, optimus, he had his cannon to my head! i can still feel it! and yet i told him to his face to stick it up his aft! how am i still here? how am i still online?!"

"starscream."

the stern tone of optimus' voice made starscream jump. he fell silent as he looked over to his partner, whose face was now fixed in a hard countenance. after a minute's quiet, optimus' face softened, and he began to speak again.

"you're scaring yourself with things that never happened," he said. "there's no need to be saying that you should be dead, because you aren't. you survived."

"but why?" starscream asked. "i still can't process it."

"because you were right," optimus said, "and megatron knew it. you may have been his second in command, but you were also his tool."

"what do you mean by that?" starscream asked.

"he used you to instill fear in the others," optimus explained. "you were an example he would set to the other decepticons. he needed you to exert his authority over them. now, with you gone, he doesn't have that weapon anymore."

"how do you know any of this? you weren't even there to witness it," starscream huffed.

"because i know that side of megatron very well," optimus sighed. "i know how ruthless he can be. you are not the only one he has hurt."

starscream didn't say anything. he knew the history that optimus and megatron had once shared. of course optimus knew what megatron was like. arguably, optimus knew him better than anyone else.

"i suppose you're right," starscream mumbled after an awkward silence as he sat back down, knees curled to his chest. it was the closest thing to an apology that he could muster at the moment.

"this was a long time coming," optimus said.

"too long," starscream grumbled, resting his forehead against his knees.

"either way," optimus said, "you did the right thing."

"by what? running?" starscream barked out a laugh. "i just did what i've always done."

"starscream, i was there with you," optimus said. "i saw what really happened. i saw you stand before megatron and choose to live for yourself, rather than him."

"optimus, i could've offlined where i stood," starscream snarled. "he had his cannon to my head!"

"and yet you stood your ground," optimus continued. "you made him back down. that takes incredible courage."

starscream huffed and turned his head away. "the only reason he left was because you were there to kick his aft if he tried anything," he sneered. in a quiet tone, he added, "that's the only reason i could stand up to him at all."

"starscream, no one else could've done what you did back there," optimus insisted. "and there is no shame in having someone to support you. i couldn't have made it as far as i have in this war without the autobots by my side. none of us have gone through this war alone, and no one is expecting you to do so." he reached out and wrapped his arm around starscream's waist, an invitation for a hug. "though we all have our own battles to fight, it doesn't mean we have to fight alone."

starscream sighed and moved closer to optimus, leaning into his touch. optimus gently squeezed his waist and turned to kiss him on his temple.

"do you remember what you told him?" optimus asked. "right at the end?"

"of course i do," starscream snipped. he took a deep invent, then said, in a calmer tone, "i told him, 'you need me, but i will never need you again.'"

"you said the right thing," optimus reassured him. "you won't ever have to go back to him again."

"you know he'll come looking for me," starscream huffed. "he doesn't like it when his prey gets away."

"if he ever comes back," optimus began, but starscream interrupted him.

"when he comes back," starscream corrected him.

"if he ever comes back," optimus insisted, "we're here for you." he squeezed starscream's side and said, "i'm here for you."

starscream chuckled and laid his head on optimus's side. "i know you are."

optimus smiled and kissed starscream again. "i'm proud of you, sweetspark. i love you."

"the feeling's mutual, you overgrown sap," starscream smirked, which made optimus chuckle warmly.

"the others are inside awaiting your presence, if you'd like to see them," optimus informed starscream. "i have to say, they're rather impressed with your bravery."

"as they should be," starscream joked. "not many people have told megatron to shove his cannon up his aft and survived."

optimus shook his head and laughed as he rose to his pedes. he reached one servo out to starscream, who gladly accepted and pulled himself up. together, the two autobots made their way back into the base, ready to return to the party bulkhead had set up for them.

the stars turned as the night passed on. wispy clouds drifted by. insects flitted back and forth along the wind. the world moved on.

and starscream knew, deep in his spark, that he would, too.

[midnight-mourning]

DCA Promptober Day 30: Birthday

I have chosen violence with all of my promptober responses, this one is no different. That being said, hope you enjoy!

Word count: 1531

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"Robots can't have birthdays, silly!"

You set down the box you're carrying, glancing up to Sun, "You don't think?"

"Of course not," He scolds, pulling out another strand of streamers to hang up, "We're not born, we're made!"

You pull a bag of balloons out of the box, "Yeah, but still, there was a point where you didn't exist, and now you do. I'd still consider that a birthday."

Sun seems to ponder your words for a moment, rays spinning idly.

You blow up a few balloons, watching as he puts his fingers under his chin, staring at the ground as he taps his foot in thought. It makes you giggle and lose the air in you'd built up in your balloon. 

He comes to a decision finally, nodding once as he looks back to you, "I suppose you're right! Though, I can't seem to recall when that would be, to be honest."

"Well, we could always pick a day," You get more supplies out of the box, there should be a staff bot stopping by with cake and pizza anytime now, "If you want."

You start organizing party supplies, counting out what party favors you have and may need to run and grab more of for prizes and such during games. The bot helping you has gone quiet, and you assume that the conversation is therefore over. That doesn't last, however. 

You feel Sun's presence before you see him, he bends down to your level, tone in awe, uncertain, "Really? You mean that?"

You nod. 

"Would, would today be alright? After, after the party, of course."

You smile, using both hands to cup his faceplate, "Of course," You kiss him softly, then pull away, "If that's what you'd like. Moon can pick his own day, if he wants."

Sun's rays spin rapidly, and he has to use his hand to stop them. He speaks dazed, "Today is fine, he said."

You chuckle, "Today it is, then."

You finish setting up for the party, and it goes off without a hitch. Sun, very excited at the prospect of celebrating his own 'birthday' only does the basics of cleaning up, leaving up the decorations and the likes to give them an additional use.

You order another cake from Chica's, and after some calculated thinking, manage to come up with a decent gift for him and Moon both. 

To Sun's disappointment, Moon gets to go first, as the cycle hits just right for it. 

"You know I can't eat cake, right Star?" Moon chuckles as he sits down across from you at the miniature table. You'd stuck a party hat on his head, and while it looked silly with his other hat, it simply had to be done.

You flick on the lighter, lighting the candles, "True, but you still get to make a wish! So let me sing and just sit there looking pretty, alright?"

"Alright," His tone is smooth but with the quiet noise of his fans you know the comment flustered him. 

You sing, and once you're finished, Moon blows out the candles by clapping once, the resulting air extinguishing them. You cheer and after smearing a bit of cake across his faceplate, hold out his gift. You found some stars and moons themed wrapping paper lying around, making for the perfect gift, even if you'd just come up with it during the previous party.

He finishes removing the frosting from his features, "You didn't have to get us a gift, you know. This was a 'last-minute' decision as you would say."

"Well, I would also say that it's your birthday, and I got you a gift," You hold up Sun's gift in your other hand, wrapped in red and yellow paper, "And Sun! I figured you would argue otherwise."

Moon snickers, taking his present from you, "You would be correct."

He takes a moment to shake it, but doesn't seem to figure out what it is. He then methodically unwraps it revealing a sketch book.

"You always talk about wanting to draw, but with being the naptime attendant not getting to so..." You trail off.

He hums, then laughs. Then, reaches over and takes your hand, pressing it to his smile, "It's wonderful, thank you."

You cough, face hot, "There's um, a couple little sketches in there of mine, to get you started. And a message. But don't look at it until you're alone! Okay?"

"I won't," He promises.

After that, Sun becomes very impatient, insisting on opening his present before blowing out his candles. 

You laugh as he all but snatches your gift to him from you, ripping it open in a rush, "You're supposed to make a wish first!"

"Wishes can wait, this is far more important!" He says, finally disposing of the last of the packaging. 

Inside awaits a music box, which he immediately starts winding the key to. Once wound, the box pops open, a small glass couple are revealed to be dancing to Pas de Deux, from the Nutcracker. 

Sun's stare is hyper focused on the box and its occupants, hardly moving an inch as the tune plays, and the couple spin round and round. When they finish, there's a click as a small compartment opens, you put your hand over Sun's before he can reach into it and grab the paper inside. 

"Ah, ah, that's for later, please," You glance up at him, slightly nervous, "What um, what do you think?"

His words are soft and full of adoration, "Oh Sunshine, I love it. It's so thoughtful! I didn't know you'd remember how much I like the song."

"Of course I would. I introduced you to it, didn't I?" You tease.

Something clicks for him then, "This is your music box. I, I can't have this, it belongs to you."

"Sun, I gave you both something that meant a lot to me, so much so that I want you to keep it as a way to think of me, yeah?"

His hands entwines with yours, nodding once, "Yeah."

"Good. Now, how about that wish, hm?"

He nods again, "Right! The best for last!"

You light the candles for a second time, and sing once more. However, when Sun goes to clap out the candles, one stubborn candle remains lit. He claps again, and again. A final large clap makes it go out, only to lit back up again. 

Your snickering becomes audible, and he catches on to what's happened. 

Sun gasps, "Starlight! You would pull a prank on me?"

You burst out laughing then as his scolding raises in volume, having to take several minutes to calm down again. 

The memory fades out as you sit down at your kitchen table, scootching your chair in after a moment. 

There's no one sitting across from you, there's no one else in your home. It's just you, a lighter, and some unlit candles sitting on a cake. 

You stare at the cake for a moment, then grab the lighter. One by one you light the candles. You'd considered adding a joke candle this year, but you don't think you have the heart for it. Maybe next year, you always tell yourself. 

On a nearby wall is your calendar, today's date circled. It's the one from that following year, you never could bring yourself to take it down and replace it, instead utilizing your phone and a calendar in your office instead. That one was much more subtle with its markings. Just a small note scribbled in the corner of the day's square. It made you feel guilty each year you wrote it down so unceremoniously.

It's relatively dark in your apartment, a singular light on over the sink. It makes the shadows caused by the candles that much larger, and the flames seem to burn that much brighter. You've never been a fan of fire. That only got worse after what happened. 

You're stalling, you know it. You'd better start before the wax starts dripping into the frosting and wastes a perfectly good cake. Not that you were very hungry anyway. 

You lick your lips, voice unsteady, "Ha-Happy birthday to you... Happy birthday to you..."

Tears start to well up and fall soon thereafter, your throat begins to tighten, but, you continue. 

"Happy, b-birth d-day dear-" Their faces flash through your mind once, but it's more than enough. A sob wracks through you and you have to stop singing. 

Your hands come up to your face, crying openly but embarrassed, even in the comfort of your own home. 

After a minute or so, you take a deep breath, collecting yourself. The candles are still burning. You owe them this.

You pick up after the point you left, to save yourself a little grief, "H-happy birthday t-t-to you..."

You wait another moment, your sniffling being the only noise in the quiet kitchen. Then, you blow them out, and you're left in half-hearted darkness. 

You wipe your eyes and sigh, "Happy birthday, boys. I love you."

You stare at the cake like it's somehow going to make them appear. Make the last several years disappear along with your heartache and grief like some bad dream.

It doesn't.

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Man I am NOT treating you all nicely with these last few huh? Bah, you can handle it I'm sure, besides, we've got one more that I think you'll really enjoy. Or at least, I'm going to :) 

Promptober list is here, and if you'd like to check in on the Spoovember schedule you can find that here. Thanks for reading!!

[allwormdiet]

Worm Cast Impressions (Arcs 1 to 7)

Easy money says some of these characters are about to fucking die so I'm pausing now to jot down my impressions of everybody who's managed to make an impact (and one or two characters whose lack of impact is kind of impressive)

Undersiders

Taylor Hebert: Character of all time. Simultaneously sanest and least sane person in the entire universe. Deeply concerned about keeping hold of her moral core, constantly innovating in ways to inflict violence on her enemies real and imagined. Has never fully finished thinking her actions through once in her entire life, people keep thinking she's the most cautious girl they know. Her first kiss was partly because she liked the boy and partly because she wanted to piss off her bully. I am cheering for her more often than not and I am so scared of what this story is going to do to her.

Brian Laborn: I want to study him in a lab. Team leader entirely by default, as near as I can tell. Hates using violence as a means of control, really good at using violence as a means of control, seems to default to using violence as a means of control when he's upset. I don't think he's normal about women. Desperately trying to be so so so boring, thinks he's perfectly rational even though he is just as unhinged as his teammates, I suspect that he has built a mental prison with twenty layers of protection around all thoughts that would suggest he is anything other than Normal and Strong and Reliable. Maybe turned on by efficient displays of violence?

Lisa Wilbourn: She is so charming and I am so scared of what's actually going on in her head. I think Taylor's best friend but definitely her biggest enabler. Stop lying and let me know what is going on in your head, I know more about Alec and Rachel than I know about you. Concerned that she's only nominally concerned about Coil being a heinous fucker. Desperately hoping the air can be cleared so I stop worrying about whether she's going to destroy Taylor or something. She has to know Taylor is a wannabe hero.

Alec: The fact that he's really only done one thing that I consider morally in the wrong is kind of incredible when looking at the fact that he's a recovering sex cult enforcer who started living something approaching a normal human life as a homeless preteen. He's had three years to jury rig a sense of humanity and morality mostly on his own and the end result is a selfish lazy jerk, and yet the fact that this is what he's managed to come up with on his own is, without sarcasm, worthy of a fucking prize. He's actually really good at this all things considered. Actually a little bummed that he didn't oppose Coil for the whole Dinah creepfest.

Rachel Lindt: Rachel Lindt is maybe the best character so far. Autistic dog girl who only tolerates human society so she can better feed and care for her animals. I'd say something like "I'd kill for her" but there's no way I could do that any better than her dogs and she'd call me stupid. Only thing against her at this point is the slur usage, which is rough to deal with, but I suspect part of that is just being written in 2011.

Loved Ones

Danny Hebert: You sad bastard. Please survive long enough to reconcile with your daughter. I know he can't provide any material support for the problems his daughter has been dealing with, that the bullies are too well-protected and there's basically nothing that he can do about parahuman shit, but I wish she would allow him to be there for her. Maybe he'd be uncool about it, sure, but maybe not. Makes me sad to think about.

Aisha Laborn: This girl is in dire need of someone to have her back and also, like, pay attention to her; Brian is the closest one to actually doing it but I don't think his best efforts are enough. I know she's gonna be an Undersider in the future so hopefully I get to have a more thorough impression of her, and one that's not marred by the fucking Mercedes metaphor, Jesus Christ that was a rough passage to get through.

Protectorate

Armsmaster: I'd probably like him more if he wasn't so up his own ass about being in charge and earning glory. My suspicion is that he's basically a good guy with some bad habits that nobody can check him on, which has spiraled out of control. Might unironically consider a teenage criminal his nemesis, which is funny but not a great sign of his priorities.

Miss Militia: My prior complaints about her possibly inappropriate response to holding Regent hostage are entirely subsumed by the fact that the last twenty-six years of her life have been lived on terms set by the Protectorate. She was nearly devoured by the machinery of empire and now she's become a component of empire that feeds upon others, and she hasn't even realized it. She never had a goddamn chance.

Velocity: Nothing to really say about him, except there has to have been a way to design his costume so that a teenager with unaugmented strength couldn't take him out with a single blow to the testicles.

Assault and Battery: The name theming feels a bit weird (what, if they got a third would their name be Coercion?) but whatever. I like the idea of a duo with complementary powers, I guess, but there's not really much else here.

Dragon: On the one hand she's in charge of the Birdcage and is friends with Armsmaster, but on the other hand she clearly hates the Birdcage for what it's made her complicit in, and maybe Armsmaster is good to have as a friend. Jury's out, unlike on Canary.

Wards

Gallant: The best way I can think to describe this guy is "blandly nice." It's like if "inoffensive" could be a personality trait. Glory Girl could do better than him, probably, but to be fair she could also do a lot worse.

Clockblocker: I think he's the funny one? Or at least the deliberately unserious one, which is the same thing. The first character confirmed to have developed entomophobia as a result of Skitter, probably not the last. Stopped a bomb from destroying the East Coast which feels like it should get more attention.

Vista: World's most powerful thirteen-year-old. Who deployed her to stop that bomb and fight those Nazis. I want names.

Kid Win: No sense of proportion on this kid, my god. Shooting a laser cannon meant to deal with threats that are theoretically rated higher than Lung into a bank filled with hostages? He's lucky nobody died.

Shadow Stalker: What the actual fuck is going on with her. Who hunts other human beings with broadhead arrows? That's for making someone bleed to death. If she was doing it to the fucking Nazis then that'd be fine, but no, it's Grue and Taylor we've either seen or heard about her getting rough with. Either the Protectorate knows she's a maniac and is letting it rock until she gets herself caught, or else they don't realize what she's doing in which case someone is not doing their job.

Browbeat: Absolute nonentity, to the point it's almost distracting. The description of the bank fight suggests he lost to Regent, which I think means that Regent got close enough to a guy with super strength to knock him out with a taser and didn't get his block knocked off. No wonder the Protectorate wants to trade him out, dude's got nothing going on.

PRT

Director Piggot: I don't like the organization she works for, because the vibes beyond the city level feel rancid, but for Piggot I mostly just sympathize with her. She's trying to corral a bunch of teenagers and adults, who all have some kind of horrific trauma shaping them and also giving them powers that are baseline as dangerous as a fucking gun, into something resembling a fully effective government agency, with no signs of support from the other cities or the higher-ups despite the fact that the literal fucking Nazis have her heroes outnumbered and have apparently had it that way for decades. Let this woman take a vacation or something.

New Wave

Glory Girl: Absolute nerd who seems to love being a superhero, and also making Nazis ragdoll in her spare time. I'd love to end it there, but unfortunately she's got some bad habits; girl desperately needs to kill the cop in her brain and get her impulsiveness under control, the fact that she ragdolled the Nazi on accident and threatened to pull favors in the judicial system to send a first-time offender (and Tattletale) into the Birdcage don't reflect great on her ability to keep a lock on things in high-stress situations.

Panacea: Pathetic girl who is clearly sitting on a pressure cooker of issues. I know what those all are but I'm not going to comment on any of it until we're actually there. For now it's mostly just a pity thing.

Azn Bad Boys

Lung: I was harsh on his characterization at first but I'll admit with time and context I'm not nearly as quick about that. He definitely still sucks, the guy literally murders his lieutenant as a matter of bruised pride and making his life more convenient. Also still cannot shake the feeling that he was basically idling in Brockton Bay for most of his career with the kind of power he has on tap.

Bakuda: She's a monster, but that also kind of oversimplifies things. She's clever, arrogant, grandstanding, and gleefully violent, even as she has the capacity to admire the architecture that another Tinker has crafted and to treat Lung as something resembling a friend. I don't think there's a world where she triggers and is, like, a good person, but I think this was one of the worse lives she could have wound up living. Also, y'know, she's dead.

Empire Eighty-Eight

Kaiser: Rancid smug piece of Nazi shit. Stupid too btw, why are you bothering with street-level robberies and extortion when you own a fucking pharmaceutical corporation? Why are you fighting out in the streets and meeting with other Nazi capes when you could be acting through proxies and bankrolling far-right parahuman cells across the country? Like I'm glad he isn't smart enough to think like that but fuck me.

Purity: Like, actually for real dumb as a bag of hammers. Kaiser barely has to try to wrap her back around his finger and she divorced him; Tattletale barely has to try to get her to back down and she thinks Tattletale exposed her identity to the public. Truly nothing in that skull of hers.

Hookwolf: Nazi capes fuck off

Stormtiger: Nazi capes fuck off

Cricket: Nazi capes fuck off

Rune: Nazi capes fuck off

Night: Nazi capes fuck off

Fog: Nazi capes fuck off

Wait does Coil's gang genuinely not have a name

Coil: Everything about this guy just pisses me the fuck off honestly. He presents himself as some kind of lesser evil, a firm but gentle hand that can guide all facets of the city to a brighter future, but he doesn't have the intelligence or vision to back any of it up; he displays nothing but brute force manipulation tactics involving bribery and blackmail, he's tunnel-visioned and cruel to the point that it ruins his own long-term plans, and before I forget everything about his thing with Dinah gives me fucking hives and I want to beat his skull in with my bare hands. I hope Taylor gets to kill him. Oh, or maybe Dinah.

Nameless sniper: Actively cooler and more competent than Coil.

Travelers

Trickster: genuinely cannot trust a man wearing a top hat in the year 2011, not even as a bit

Sundancer: what the fuck went so wrong with your life that your power is The Fucking Sun

Faultline and Co.

Faultline: Ironically not a super strong read off of her in terms of personality. Seems generally pretty cool going off of how she interacts with and leads her team. Very funny that she has a rivalry with Tattletale.

Newter: Little worried that he's selling his body secretions as a drug to other teenagers but if a parahuman only has one red flag that's pretty good actually

Gregor the Snail: This dude rocks, actually, love the vibes he gives off. Shame that people hate him for being fat and a mutant.

Labyrinth: Would like to see more of her when she's back in reality, otherwise not much to go off of. Cool power.

Other Parahumans

Scion: Fucking creepy

Marquis: probably Panacea's dad, calling that shot.

Paige McAbee: Justice For Paige McAbee.

Dinah Alcott: not really a character yet so much as a particularly horrifying MacGuffin but Jesus Christ what an awful fate

Uber and Leet: Gamers should be more oppressed. Also they beat the shit out of sex workers on a livestream and aren't considered serious enough threats to be consigned to the Birdcage, which feels pretty bad.

Heartbreaker: Haven't even met this guy and he sounds fucking awful. Please god somebody take him down.

Normal Humans

Emma Barnes: I need to understand what's wrong with her. Something happened that gave her the temperament and skillset of a CIA torture technician before freshman year of high school and she turned that onto her best friend for reasons totally unbeknownst to us.

Sophia Hess: I don't know I feel that the one bully who does the most physical harm and acts the most aggressive is the black one. Pretty bad I think. She's also clearly got something going on in her head but tbh that feels like it's going to be more straightforward than whatever is wrong with Emma.

Madison Clements: I feel like she's just here so that Taylor could be bullied without overusing the other two. What's your stake in this? Why do you give a shit? Does it matter? Probably not.

Mr. Gladly: I hated every teacher I ever knew who acted like this and I hate him even more for being utterly useless in protecting a student from blatant harassment. Fuck off.

[ofliterarynature]

MAY 2025 WRAP UP

[ loved liked okay nope dnf (reread) book club* ]

The Serpent Sea • The Orphans of Raspay • Once Was Willem • All Creatures Great and Small • The Siren Depths • The Physicians of Vilnoc • The Left Hand of Darkness* • Stories of the Raksura Vol. 1 • Piranesi • A Drop of Corruption • (Birth of the Firebringer) • Ducks, Newburyport

* * * * *

The Serpent Sea - enjoyed this! Which is pretty much all I have to say about most of the Raksura books, lol, so I'm going to take a moment to say - what is with the naming conventions for the books in this series? Yes, there is a sea that is a major setting/plot point for the book. Yes there are creatures in it, the most relevant of which is not a serpent. Never is the body of water (to my knowledge) called the Serpent Sea. lmao.

The Orphans of Raspay - another Penric & Desdemona! Enjoyed this as always, as well as the accidental child acquisition, but probably not a favorite.

Once Was Willem - put this on hold at the library after seeing @ wearethekat's review. Certainly a unique book with an interesting perspective! Unfortunately it did not quite stick in my brain and I keep forgetting that I'd read it.

All Creatures Great and Small - this was recommended as a chill, relaxing book, which I absolutely did not find it to be! Alas! This is the first volume of memoirs by a rural/small town veterinarian in 1930's Yorkshire. It is charming at times, but 1) his boss is absolutely infuriating, and 2) the second-hand embarrassment is inescapable and excruciating. It is written more as a series of connected vignettes rather than a cohesive narrative, so at least it was easy to pick up and put down and go do something else for awhile. I probably won't continue the series, but might be interested in the tv adaptation.

The Siren Depths - listen. Moon finding his birth family and all of the chaos and trauma that digs up? Delicious. Loved this plot line, though I wish Moon had had a little more belief in Indigo Cloud? (I knew Stone at least would be coming for him as soon as he returned and I was so tickled to be proven right lol). That said, the last quarter of this book? Mostly felt like it came out of nowhere. And also gave the book it's title, which, wtf. Sigh. Somehow I manage to keep forgetting that it happened.

The Physicians of Vilnoc - it feels weird saying that I loved an epidemic book in this day and age, but I also love Briar's Book by Tamora Pierce, so I may just have a specific type. On one hand, trying to figure out the cause of the disease is a great framework for a mystery. On the other, this book really makes Penric face his history and past trauma around medical sorcery, and I'd like to think finds some support and balance this time around. Liked this one a lot.

The Left Hand of Darkness - bookclub read! I'd been meaning to get around to this myself, but it was name-dropped in another book we'd read and was suggested for the list. I had previously read a different book in this cycle for college and completely forgotten anything about it, so I went into this with not much expectation. I did try to start with it in print, but the first few pages were so confusing I ended up immediately jumping to the audiobook. It definitely felt like it was trying to say something - I'm not entirely sure what. It made for great discussion at our meeting, but it was definitely not anyone's new favorite book.

Stories of the Raksura Vol. 1 - I noticed that all of the Raksura short stories were set before books 4 & 5 (which were definitely a later addition to the series), so I decided to pick the collected volumes up after finishing book 3. I ended up going back and fourth and reading a different book between each story (which is what I'd kind of been doing with the Penric novellas, tbh) and had a really nice time.

Piranesi - finally! I thought this was a neat book, but that's really all I have to say. I don't know if all of the hype raised my expectations too high or if it would have been just fine either way, but this just didn't hit me the way this seems to have for a lot of people. Not sure if I plan on reading any more Susanna Clarke after this.

A Drop of Corruption - so good!! I'd forgotten more of the world building and previous story than I'd have really liked, but I got back into it pretty quickly and had a fantastic time. Someday when the series is finished I'm going to have a great time reading these all back-to-back.

Birth of the Firebringer - reread of a book that was potentially on the list for getting rid of. I read this series sometime in middle school or high school, but I don't have a strong memory of rereading them a lot to justify still keeping copies. I picked up this first one with the intention of just reading the first chapter to help me decide but got hooked instead XD It's a very classic coming of age fantasy, featuring an angsty teen with an excellent horse and a good sword, except that the teen IS the horse AND the sword, because he's a unicorn! Shout out to all of the fantasy-reading horse girls out there. Also great that his warrior mentor is a mare, though I believe she does become a love interest (and oh, from what I can remember of the future plot twists, it's going to be delicious!)

DNF

Ducks, Newburyport (6%) - I knew just from word of mouth going into this that it wasn't a book for everyone, but it was set in Ohio and I found a copy at the library book sale, so I thought I'd give it a shot! I was absolutely not prepared. Literally, 1000 pages of unbroken stream of consciousness from an Ohio housewife. Yes you read that number right. I'm always appreciative of experimental and novel narrative styles, so I will say that I admire the hell out of this, if only on the fact that I managed to get as far as I did - attempting to follow along and piece together something of her train of thought was a great puzzle, but alas, not quite enough to counteract the mind-numbing and soporific effect of the rambling. ADHD people, is this what your brains are like? I'd love to see this style put to effect in a short story, but can't say I have any interest in slogging through it for 44 hours on audio.

[satansluckycigarette]

People: Obi-wan should've told Luke everything from the start

How that would've gone:

Luke: No, my father didn't fight in the war. He was a navigator on a spice freighter

Obi-wan: That's what your uncle told you. He didn't hold with your father's ideals thought he should've stayed here and finished doing his mother's jobs.

Luke: What?

Obi-wan: Oh, he didn't tell you? Your grandmother and father were slaves before I and my old Jedi Master freed him. We couldn't free her without potentially angering the Hutt Clan, unfortunately, but your uncle's father bought her and freed her in order to marry her. Personally, I think the power dynamic there is a bit fucked but you Skywalkers always seem to wind up in abusive relationships. My advice to you is to protect yourself to avoid that if you don't want to end up like your father. Kinda fucked that Owen's been telling you your father was a drug dealer though, if I'm being honest.

Luke: Well, I wished I'd known him

Obi-wan: He was the best star pilot in the galaxy, and he was a cunning warrior, and a good friend... I understand you're something of a pilot yourself. Oh, which reminds me. I have something for you. Your father would've wanted you to have this when you were old enough, but your uncle wouldn't allow it: afraid you might follow old Obi-wan on some idealistic crusade same as your father.

Luke: What is it?

Obi-wan: This was your father's lightsaber. It is the weapon of the Jedi Knight, not as clumsy or random as a blaster, it is an elegant weapon of a more civilized age. For over a thousand generations, the Jedi Knights were the guardians of peace and justice in the Old Republic. Before the Dark Times, before the Empire.

Luke: How did my father die?

Obi-wan: Oh he's not dead... not yet. The Emporer, who manipulated both sides of the Clone Wars- including the Jedi, groomed and corrupted your father. Your father betrayed us and murdered thousands of people- including children- with that very weapon.

Luke: *looks horrified and throws lightsaber away* What?!

Obi-wan: You see, your father was traumatized by his experiences as a slave... he could never forget that we'd left your mother here- and on some level he never forgave us. Against my better judgment, as she was ten years your father's senior and had known him as a boy, the Jedi Council assigned Anakin the role of guarding your mother. The traumatic events they experienced during that time brought them into an unhealthy codependent relationship. Meanwhile, the horrors of the Clone Wars and the responsibilities of a Jedi weighed on your father. I checked in on my padawan, told him to look after himself, but he took my words as criticism. All the while, Palpatine was there- comforting him with lies meant to inflate his ego. It was really more of a ticking time bomb than anything. If it were up to me, your father would've been allowed to leave the Order and join the Expeditionary Forces or lead an activism movement here in Hutt Space like he had hoped too but the Jedi allowed themselves to become military and police, rather than the warrior monks of old. They didn't check in on any of us, really. It was only a matter of time.

Luke: Why was I never told any of this? Where is my father?

Obi-wan: You were never told because your father is Darth Vader. If you go to him, he will not see a son. He will see a threat to him. Many of his old friends from the Order have tried to reach him, and only two of us have managed to escape with our lives. That hologram, you showed me? That girl is your sister: your father currently has her imprisoned and will likely torture her to death. He will not question it until after it is done, and that questioning will only lead to him becoming more angry and lashing out against more innocents. The Anakin Skywalker I knew is dead, what is there now is something else: something twisted and evil.

Luke: ...I think I'm going to go home...

-Luke discovers his family dead, realizes Vader likely did this, flees into the desert, stumbles onto Mos Eisley cantina, tells story to a Sympathetic wookie-

Han: *approaching Luke* Chewie, here, tells me you've had a really hard time lately. How do you feel about sticking it to your old man, and busting your sister out of whatever trouble she's in? Could be she throws us some coin to boot?

Luke: Maybe

Han: Come on, kid, lemme buy you a drink.

-the Saga of Smuggler Luke Skywalker begins-

[rainbowsky]

Hi rainbowsky! I'm a new-ish (autumn 2023) Yizhan fan - it's been so much fun to explore and read everything available, your blog included! I really enjoy your opinions and insights. I have a question and a request. Question: When CQL first started airing, what were people saying about the relationship between WWX and LZ in the show, and about the actors playing them? Did the CP start right away? Request: Then later on, when the BTS started appearing (when was that - after the show finished airing, right?), what were people saying about the real interactions between the two actors? Were people shocked? Amazed? Even more curious? I can imagine social media was on fire! But I'd like to hear from someone who "lived" through it in real time. Please give me a description of what it was like - especially what your thoughts and feeling were as you saw it happening. I wish I could have been there! Thank you!

Hi Blbrave! Thanks so much, I'm glad you're enjoying my blog!

This is all a very, very long time ago, but I'll do my best to share what I can remember.

Actually, the CP started before the show began airing. The supertopics were opened during filming in 2018. I think this was inevitable, given that the series is based on a BL story. Of course fans of the novel will go into all of this with an eye toward the two characters and, by extension, GG and DD.

Similarly, as the show was airing of course there were a large number of viewers who knew it was a BL and viewed it as a BL at that time, even though it was being billed as a martial brotherhood series. There was a lot of analysis from fans trying to spot various ways that the production team managed to get around censorship and signal the queer romance between WWX and LWJ.

Others have done far better, more comprehensive analysis of all that than I could ever do, but it's so long ago I don't know where those posts might have gone. Some of this was discussed in my post about queerbaiting, so you can look there for more info.

As I said in that post, one of their smartest ways of highlighting the queer relationship was to downplay romance between the straight characters. We never see a straight couple doing something that we don’t also see LWJ and WWX doing. Yanli's wedding happens off camera, yet we see LWJ and WWX do their bows on camera. There’s never a kiss or any kind of PDA between straight characters, yet we see LWJ and WWX in each other’s arms throughout the series.

We got a gay kiss:

We got gay sex:

There was also the headband repeatedly being described as the domain of only family and spouses, and the various ways they connected it with WWX. WWX grabbing it when he was possessing the paperman, and also at one point being tied to LWJ by the wrist with the headband - all of this signalling that WWX was a spousal figure for LWJ.

There was the drunk scene with LWJ giving WWX chickens (a wedding tradition in China).

And many more examples I won't get into.

There were many of those types of things in the series, and they were discussed enthusiastically at the time. However, I don't think there were many bystanders who made those connections. It was primarily fans of the books/show (i.e. those who appreciated it as a BL story and not as a bromance/friendship story) who saw and discussed those hints.

I know the idea that anyone could be so oblivious to the gay subtext throughout the story that they miss the queerness entirely is hard to get one's head around, but straight viewers usually just see WWX and LWJ as best friends and sworn martial brothers. The show could never have been made or aired if that wasn't the case.

In fact, newer fans might not be aware that there was a lot of controversy during filming because of leaked early attempts to create a straight romance between Wei Wuxian and Wen Qing. Some relationship-building scenes between them were filmed, and at one point in the BTS GG is heard complaining about the straight romance and saying that all those scenes should be deleted.

In the production team's defense, there was doubt at the time about whether the show could air given its source material as a BL novel. They likely had investors and backers pressuring them to make sure that the story was unambiguously straight.

Fans of the novel made a massive uproar about it, threatening to boycott the series. The backlash was so extreme that it became a bigger threat to the success of the show, and the straight romance was killed. We all owe a lot to those agitators! 😅

The BTS

The BTS clips were first discussed in an Untamed press conference (that section of the interview starts at around 36:30). The producer said that in the future some of the behind-the-scenes moments would be shared. GG and DD exchanged a glance and looked extremely uncomfortable with it.

A lot of turtles find that clip funny, and laugh about what GG and DD might 'have to hide', but I have never understood how fans can find GG and DD's discomfort funny.

It might surprise some newer turtles to hear that there were moments where GG and DD appeared to be uncomfortable with the BTS, but there were.

Another moment happened in an interview where GG and DD were asked to explain a BTS scene of the two of them in the boat, where GG is lying in DD's lap. DD turns to the interviewer with a shocked and displeased look on his face and says, "They released this?"

There were other moments as well, but I haven't kept a comprehensive record of all that. This happened long before I clued in on how quickly clips can disappear in this fandom.

I believe that it is totally normal to have mixed feelings about the BTS, and I believe GG and DD are no exception to that. No doubt they enjoy some of the clips and feel uncomfortable about some of them, just like many turtles (myself included).

There were official BTS clips released during promo, but the unofficial BTS clips didn't come until later. I talked in more detail about the unofficial BTS and how they came to be released here.

The unofficial clips began being released by fansites in the fall of 2020. It would be hard to overstate how different the atmosphere around them was to what it is now. Now it's quite common to find BTS clips all over the place, both in C-social media and on international sites like YouTube and Instagram.

However, back in 2020 they were extremely hard to get ahold of, and sharing them outside of where they were initially released was strictly forbidden and frowned upon by fans. In fact, if you dig back through my 2020 posts I'm sure you'll find many posts where I admonish people not to share the BTS clips, and where I bitch about people sharing them without authorization. I also answered a lot of asks about these issues at the time (just one example).

Times have changed a lot, and now everyone is sharing them all very freely without any concerns.

The situation was a lot different back then:

GG and DD had gained a tremendous amount of popularity from the show, but their reputations and careers were not yet fully established and secure.

227 was still an active concern that was still making news and still impacting GG's life directly. He had not yet recovered from any of it and was still mostly lying low. He was constantly being attacked and antis were constantly out to get him.

The Untamed was still fresh and current, and being discussed regularly in the media. Because filming was still fairly recent, what happened during filming would still run the risk of impacting GG and DD's lives and careers.

Fans were coming under very close scrutiny because of 227 and other fandom-related scandals. The government was starting to crack down heavily on fandom culture.

This was all uncharted territory. No one knew how the BTS might be received, or how it might impact GG and DD. Fans were very freaked out about the possibility of anything compromising getting leaked and harming the boys.

No doubt fansites were also worried about how fans might respond to some of the releases, and wanted to ensure they didn't upset or anger fans, or stir up more excitement than could be safely contained within the fandom.

All of this contributed to a climate of extreme caution and secrecy around the release of BTS clips.

We never knew when one might be released, and when they were released they were typically only put online for a few minutes, then deleted. This was all done in an effort to limit the exposure of these clips primarily to turtles who have GGDD's best interests in mind.

The clips were heavily watermarked and overlaid with visual and audio curses that 'reuploaders must die!' ('banyun biss', which I'm sure most of you have encountered in some of the clips you've seen).

Early clips were heavily watermarked.

Those who missed out were out of luck. It was extremely socially unacceptable to re-share clips once they'd been deleted. Those who missed out would have to rely on recaps and transcripts from those who had seen the clips. Fans took to staying up all hours watching and waiting for a release.

Back in those days people tried to save every clip they could, hoarding them greedily. Turtles' phones were filling up with large video files. It's funny to think about now, because the clips are everywhere and so easy to find these days, but back then it was a whole Thing.

The initial releases were sporadic and quite tame as fansites dipped their toes in the water of how all this would be received. Gradually over time clips became more frequent and stayed up longer, and some of the more salacious stuff began being released. Those clips were often accompanied by hilarious intro images.

(For those who don't get it, it's the PornHub logo).

Of course all of the clips were heavily discussed as they came out, and a clearer picture of GG and DD's relationship and of their experience of filming began to take shape over time. Some of the fake rumors (such as the 49 fake candies and the CPN that GG designed a racing suit for DD) were gradually proved to be true as these clips were released. However, that was mostly confined to fandom circles.

There were occasionally times when these clips or their content would cross over into the mainstream and start trending on Weibo. In many of those cases, the hotsearches would be bought and pushed by antis of GG and DD who want to see them cancelled. At those times turtles would jump into action to wash those topics and replace them with mundane, unrelated content.

There were fan theories and fake rumors about GG and DD's reaction to the clips. Sometimes when new clips were released GG and DD would be seen online and turtles assumed they were watching them. Of course, considering the clips featured them, it's highly likely that they did eagerly await releases just like the rest of us.

I suspect that it was likely a mixed bag for them. Some clips might have really stressed them out either upon initial release or after reactions began to emerge, while others likely made them laugh and feel nostalgic about filming.

A large percentage of BXG light banners and slogans came directly out of the BTS, some of which you can see GG and DD discussing in LRLG rumors.

Dumplings, rice noodles, 3+2 biscuits (cr @knivescharade in this post), discussed in this LRLG rumor.

There were definitely a few scandals and close calls that came out of the unofficial BTS, and solos and antis frequently tried to use them against GG and DD and tried to spin negative narratives about their relationship using disingenuous takes and edits of them (they still do to this day).

For example, the clip where GG tells DD that he prefers a natural look to idol makeup was used against GG at the time, and antis tried to make it seem like GG was homophobic and that GG was against men wearing makeup. Some of the clips where they were playfighting or bickering were used to try to create a narrative that they hated each other. That kind of thing.

BTS and fan service

One of the most common questions I've gotten about the BTS - and I still often get this question - is, "Aren't the BTS just acted out/scripted as fan service to promote the show?"

There are a few reasons people have this question in their minds.

Solos #1 narrative about GGDD is that their CP was just for the show and the BTS was all fan service, and nothing about their relationship is real. They push this claim very aggressively on social media anytime GGDD or The Untamed is discussed, and new fans will almost always encounter those claims in this way.

CP fan service is a normal part of how dramas are promoted, so people familiar with Asian dramas will often immediately jump to that assumption about GG and DD and about the BTS.

Heteronormativity leads many people to immediately dismiss the possibility of a gay relationship, which leads them to try to come up with other explanations for those clips.

People naturally have a hard time believing what they're seeing with some of those clips. Some of it is pretty jaw-dropping and it's understandable that some people will be skeptical.

However, there are a lot of really good reasons why these clips are obviously not fan service.

For one thing, the show was billed as a martial brotherhood, not as a romance. Some of the official BTS clearly did try to appeal to CP and MDZS fans and could be counted as fan service, but those weren't even the ones BXG are most excited about. (There is a playlist of some of the official BTS clips here).

The most exciting stuff was never released during promo, and almost none of it is overtly romantic. A lot of it is really crude and totally unreleasable as promo. GG and DD are lewd, crude and often rude in ways that only two people who are really close could ever get away with. In many cases it's the casual way GG and DD constantly cross polite social boundaries with each other that shows their intimacy, rather than anything overtly sweet or romantic.

A lot of it is also totally incomprehensible to regular audiences. You have to be a turtle digging deeply into GGDD to understand the significance of most of it. For example the way GG took care of DD on his birthday, or the way DD constantly bargained and haggled with GG to get him to eat more.

Most importantly, if it was all fan service then why did GG and DD never do any joint CP endorsements? The entire point of doing that type of fan service is to make a buck. Other drama CP - including BL - do this all the time.

And it doesn't make sense that a production that was as low budget as The Untamed could afford to have the two lead actors learn a whole second set of lines and do a whole second performance that never ended up getting released.

And of course, none of that explains why the bulk of the BTS clips ended up in the hands of fans and released years after the show finished airing. A lot of it still has never been released to this day.

I've often joked that if the BTS were scripted they were far more complex, more melodramatic and better written than the drama itself. You just can't come up with this stuff in a writer's room. 😅

Anyway, this post got a bit long but hopefully it gives you a bit more of a picture of what it was all like at the time. Sorry, I guess I didn't talk much about my own feelings/reactions, but hopefully you can get somewhat of a sense.

Overall it was exciting, but I also had some deep reservations about it all (and got a lot of hate mail for voicing those feelings, too). Keep in mind this wasn't long after 227, so I think it's understandable that I was feeling very wary about everything.

But that's all water under the bridge now. It's been many years, and if the BTS were going to harm GGDD it would have already happened. I think it's all pretty safe territory now.

Edit: some more of my thoughts and feelings at the time:

One of the most exciting things for me about the BTS clips was seeing so many of the fake rumors being proved true. There were a lot of rumors (including the 49 fake candies) that I totally scoffed at when I first heard about them, only to later find via the BTS clips that I had been totally wrong about them and that these things had actually happened, and even crazier things were gradually revealed.

Things were changing pretty rapidly for a while there now that I think about it.

Learning more about their relationship and seeing just how much they looked out for each other was another big one for me. Also the timeline. The BTS really reinforced my belief in The Devil's Timeline (the belief that they got together prior to filming).

But overall that was a very different time in the fandom as well. There were always so many candies coming out, not just BTS clips but things that came out of GG and DD's activities and social media posts. It was a really really busy time in the fandom.

Since then there has been a government crackdown on fandom culture, on the entertainment industry, on LGBTQ etc. in China, plus DD's split with Nike and him having to delete a lot of his GG candy posts from his Weibo account.

Things are so different now, and unfortunately a lot of it for the worse. Being a turtle is not always easy, and I'm sure being GG and DD can't always be easy either. We make it work, but I do sometimes look back wistfully on the freer, more exciting times in the fandom.

More such times could come in the future. We just have to keep moving forward and hope for the best.

Somewhat related: I did a semi-comprehensive post about GG and DD's reaction to turtles here.

[thegoldencontracts]

Cruel Rejection

Summary: After a long time of suppressing his feelings in fear of mockery, Azul finally musters up the courage to ask you on a date. And yet, you manage to make his fears come true.

Notes: Azul I'm sorry bbg-

Azul loved you since the day you two met. He really didn't know why, and in hindsight, it was the worst decision he'd ever made, but he did. His heart seemed to beat a thousand times faster around you, his mouth going dry.

He'd always had a suspicion you held distaste for him, though, and so he kept quiet. That was a good decision. One he seriously regretted not sticking to.

Alas, he'd allowed himself to be persuaded, allowed himself to waver and foolishly act with reckless abandon with the desire for a happy ending.

"Well then, I was wondering if you'd be interested in a date, dearest-"

"Oh my God," you said. "Just shut up."

Azul's eyes widened.

"P-Pardon?"

You looked at him with such distaste one would think he was a cockroach, rolling your eyes as you took a sip of your soda. The vast expanse of the room was beginning to feel rather intimidating.

"Do you actually think for one second I'd wanna date you?" You said with a dismissiveness that stung so greatly any amount of rage would've been preferable.

"I- if you'd please let me finish-"

"You're delusional," you said. "Why would I ever want to date you? You're always pestering me, painfully short-tempered, and your looks-"

You gestured to his appearance vaguely, not even bothering to say anything.

"Point taken, I suppose," he said, uncertain whether he wished to sound amicable or cold. Really, what did he expect? He'd just handed himself to you on a silver platter. Of course you'd take the chance and rip him to pieces.

That's what they all do, a voice called from inside his head. Haven't you learned your lesson yet?

"Yeah, well, take the point and get out. And while you're at it, don't speak to me again," you said, shooing him away.

Azul didn't quite know what to do, what to say. You'd just attempted to rip him to pieces, hadn't you? Did you truly deserve such easy peace?

"Yes, yes," he said, voice turned cold. "I'll leave you be permanently, just like all your other companions do upon no longer being able to put up with you."

You snarled, an anger in which Azul relished as he headed for his room. Good. You deserved it. You'd underestimated Azul, anticipated that he'd simply cry upon hearing your insults like some child, and, well-

The moment Azul locked the door to his room, tears sprung up within his eyes. You were right. He was driven to tears by nothing but words. How pathetic.

He'd have to stay away from you from now onwards, perhaps get vengeance to appease himself, but not much interaction other than that. It was quite the lovely plan indeed.

But for now, sadly, Azul couldn't work on his scheme. For now, all he could do was sob into his pillow, the feeling of self-loathing washed all over him.

Meanwhile, you couldn't help but wonder if your turning down was too harsh. Had it actually gotten to Azul? You couldn't help but feel bad in spite of yourself - you did love him, after all. But really, maybe you should've been-

No, no. You shook yourself out of that train of thought. This weird pity wouldn't do at all. Azul was the one who'd so cruelly toyed with your heart.

Azul deserved it for pretending to have feelings for you, after all.

[what-even-is-thiss]

hi! if this is too personal i completely understand if you just delete it or something, but you're like the transmasc person i see the most on here so i thought i'd ask you.

i've been thinking about going on T at some point in the near future (don't have access right now but will relatively soon). i'm scared to take the leap, and i'm kinda scared of like... the process? idk i was wondering if you could share like... some of the gradual things that you start to see? i think i'm afraid of just waking up one day and seeing like "oh my god i'm a man suddenly" but realistically i know the changes are slow and gradual.

so i guess my question is how does it feel/what is it like to see those gradual changes and what can be expected? tysm and again no worries if this isn't something you want to talk about :)

So you need a second puberty talk, huh?

Well everybody experiences different things at different rates but here’s what’s up.

In the first week to month:

Your throat may start hurting and/or your voice might start cracking. This means your voice is changing. Your voice could drop slowly and gradually or you could wake up one day with a lower voice. The tone of your voice before T generally won’t tell you how deep your voice will be. Your voice could barely change or it could get really deep. It’s the same for cis men. This is all normal.

Your clitoris will start growing. This is generally one of the first changes you’ll notice in the first two weeks. It may hurt a bit while it’s growing or it may not. It may grow more sensitive or it may not.

You may start smelling different. The things that may smell different range from your sweat to your pee to your vagina. You generally don’t smell worse. Just different.

You might notice a difference in your sex drive and sex and masturbation in general. You may want sex more. You may want sex less. You may want sex with different types of people or the same types of people. Your orgasms may feel different. It may be easier or harder to orgasm. You may wish to inspect your growing junk. This is all normal.

About 2-4 months in:

Your voice will likely have lowered noticeably by the end of 3-4 months, but it won’t be done changing yet. Your singing voice may be very off key or difficult to control. This will even out with practice and as your new voice settles but it could take a while.

Your period will likely be uneven and unpredictable at this point. If you’re lucky it may stop altogether. It’s probably smart to keep carrying panty liners and pads for a while in case of random spotting.

You might get acne and other annoying changes to your skin. That’s puberty.

Your fat will likely start moving around at this point to different areas but it will take a while for it to finish.

You might notice more hair in general around your body at this point. You might not.

You may be sweating more. This is a puberty thing.

It may be slightly easier for you to gain muscle now if you’re the sort of person who works out

One year in:

Your clitoris will likely have stopped growing and top out at 1-2 inches long

Your period will likely have stopped completely at this point

Your body hair and beard won’t be fully filled in to where it will be years from now but you’ll likely be shaving or managing a stringy puberty beard by now.

Your hairline will likely have receded a bit by this point. This doesn’t automatically mean you’re losing your hair. Men’s hairlines tend to be further back than women’s. It’s smart to keep track of that though if it matters to you.

Your body will still be changing but passing will likely be much easier by this point.

Your voice will likely have settled a bit but you may still need to work on your singing voice more if that’s something that’s important to you.

By this point you’ll likely have an accurate idea of how T has affected your sexuality and sex drive, if at all.

Reminder that things happen at different rates for everyone. It’s puberty so it’ll take a long time. You may still notice changes 3-4 years in.

[originalgenshinscenarios]

hi! gonna be kind of angsty but can you write shenhs x fem reader scenario in modern au where she meets the readers family for the first time and tjey are really homophobic so they are anxious but after getting to know her they end up liking her? or if too complicated how she would defend yn from homophobes or smth like that?? i hope this is okay and have a nice day!!!

I hope I did it well! I really didn't expect a prompt like that but it was definitely interesting to explore

ALSO FUCK HOYO GIVE ME HER RERUN!!! I'd sooner finish the crossover chapter than we will get her rerun fr.

[modern AU] Shenhe meeting S/O's family

Reader here is female

Cw: homophobia

Shenhe never understood why you'd be anxious about her meeting your parents. After all everything went so well with her mom she didn't think there could be a problem.

Truth is, you never told your family about dating a woman, and you had no clue how they'd react.

Now that you think about it maybe it would've been better if you told your parents about it... At least you would've known where you stand instead of worrying about their reaction.

At least you could've cancelled it before it was too late.

Still, there was no use getting worried about it now. You were on your way and felt beyond anxious.

Noticing that, Shenhe held your hand in attempt to comfort you. It wasn't exactly helping in of itself, but it's the thought that counts.

When the big reveal came you felt awful when you saw the look of disapproval on your parents' faces. Nobody said a thing, but you knew already that they're going to talk later.

The atmosphere was hostile, they were being passive aggressive- honestly you'd prefer if they just kicked you out on the spot but for some twisted reason they kept it going.

Shenhe chose to ignore their provocations and despite everything she managed to turn the conversation quite well...

You were actually impressed on how her blunt nature fixed the hostility. What you thought will be a nightmare turned into a pleasant evening.

Of course Shenhe somehow having a pleasant conversation with your parents didn't automatically mean they accepted you being with a woman. Before you left they had a little chat with you about that and they made it clear that they still don't approve of you.

You avoided the topic altogether with them, ignoring whatever they were trying to stir between you and her. You pretended like she didn't exist- rather than she was a friend whenever your family wanted to bait you into talking about her.

That gave them hope that you broke up. But you didn't. And one time as you mentioned it to Shenhe's mom, Xianyun was furious.

She wished to go to your parents herself and give them a piece of her mind. But, she didn't do that.

Instead she had a talk with her daughter. She believed it wasn't an issue she should get involved in (yet.) and that it was up to Shenhe to make things right.

But before she even attempted to even think about her mother's elaborate plan she talked to you. Basically asking about how you feel about all this.

It was a bit awkward conversation, but one important to be had. She knew now just how much your parents' behavior hurt you, and she wasn't going to let that continue.

Without your knowledge she talked to them herself. She was determined and stood her ground for the both of you. And... She was as convincing as she was threatening.

Did it make your parents accept it? For now, absolutely not. But at the very least you wouldn't have to worry about their comments or subtle requests that you change yourself.

Maybe one day, things will change and your relationship with your parents will get better, no matter what though you absolutely can count on Shenhe whenever you need her.

~Mod Lisa