#I still find it funny that Alex became my most requested character

[pitsazawr]

idk if u still draw marble hornets or take requests or anything of the sorts

but if so, can we maybe get an alex kralie (of any kind) pleaseee?? looks at you with my big eyes

Alex, long time no see ����

[paper-n-ashes]

sparks and embers - chapter 14

Characters: Kylo Ren x Original Female Character, Poe Dameron x Original Female Character

Story Tags: Explicit (18+), Canon Compliant/Divergent (Set after TLJ), First Person POV, Love Triangle, Slow Burn, Enemies to Lovers, Porn with Plot, Hurt/Comfort, Kylo Ren hates Poe Dameron

Chapter 14 - Care

Words: 5.2k

Chapter Tags/Warnings: Descriptions medical care/procedures, mentions of a flu-like illness with severe symptoms, Kylo Ren being a grumbly little shit

Author’s Note: Yeah, we’re doing a deep dive into the ‘protagonist takes care of vulnerable love interest’ trope and I am not sorry. I have always said this story was a messy festival of literary tropes and this is just another example. (Don’t lie, you know you love them.)

Read on AO3 or Start from the beginning

~

I edged further into Kylo Ren’s bedroom, a place I wouldn’t have imagined myself ever being allowed to view, eyeing the continuing theme of red and black shades that coloured most of the space.

There was little else to see other than a few sets of draws and the bed itself, all just as cold and minimalistic as the rest of the quarters. When I looked back to General Hux, he was still standing at the edge of the door frame, seeming somewhat impatient.

“What exactly do you expect me to do for him?” I asked, keeping my voice low.

“Just keep him alive,” Hux replied flatly, glaring down like the answer should have been obvious.

I desperately wanted to roll my eyes. “Yeah, I get that, but I’m sure a medical droid could keep an eye on his condition.”

“You’ve seen for yourself how severely this virus has incapacitated some of our Command leaders.”

“Well sure, but he’s hardly the type of person I’d deem at risk for those level of symptoms,” I pointed out. “He’s young, fit, assumingly healthy. I mean, I’m genuinely shocked that he’s contracted this illness at all.”

Hux creased his eyebrows, curious. “What makes you say that?”

“I don’t know,” I shrugged. “I assumed he could prevent stuff like this from happening. With you know… his powers. I mean, he’s Kylo Ren, one of the most proficient Force users there has ever been. To think he can still become unwell like any other being is… surreal.”

The General became more puzzled then, moving closer to where I stood. “He’s still a human, made up of all the same things as you and I. If we can become ill, so can he.” He paused for a beat, thinking more about my words. “Why do you seem to think his use of the Force would matter in this sense?”

Kriff. Think before you speak Alex.

“Do I look like someone who knows how it works? I’m a doctor from an Outer Rim planet. All of that stuff is completely out of my scope.” Self-deprecation seemed to work better on Hux.

Relaxing his expression out of its suspicious state, he straightened his posture. “In any case, we are currently in the situation where he is indeed unwell. You’ll find a store of medical supplies in the closet to your right. Anything else you may require can be requested through the comm-link in the lounge.” With my nod of understanding he quickly turned to leave, before halting suddenly, head swivelling to face me. “Don’t try anything funny,” he threatened, his voice sour with danger. “If he doesn’t survive through this… Neither will you.”

I swallowed hard, for the first time actually disturbed by Hux’s menacing tone. With that final word of warning he was gone, stomping out of the quarters, his energy sizzling with its usual bitterness.

As I stood in the dimmed light of Kylo’s bedroom, now alone with his scrunched figure in the bed before me, I looked around in disbelief, wondering how I’d found myself in this predicament. I didn’t even know where to start, how to go about treating a man who had almost murdered me multiple times, a man whose obsession with power had kept me here as a working slave. A part of me didn’t want to help him back to full health, to intervene while he suffered under the hold of the virus.

Yet as I stepped slowly forward to his form, his large body taking up a great deal of the mattress space, I noticed his fevered shiver, heard his shallow, shaky breaths, and was once again taken over by the persistent need to soothe those in pain.

I’d been telling him I would always treat anyone who’s in need of my care, and right now, I just couldn’t bring myself to be seen as a liar in anyone else’s eyes.

I decided to take a look at the medical supplies Hux mentioned before attempting to wake Kylo from his slumber. Preparation would be vital for my initial assessment, wishing to keep him awake for as little time as possible. Not only for the fact he needed as much rest as he could, but because the less I would have to interact with him the better.

Inside the cupboard there was an impressive range of equipment and medicinal stock, obviously having only recently been placed here. Everything appeared new and completely untouched. I would have done some unspeakable things to have this kind of hoard on Raxus, some of the singular medication vials being more expensive than my whole pharmacy stockpile. Frustration flared at the waste of having these valuable resources put here for one person, when I could have made use of only a quarter to benefit tens, if not hundreds of people. Most of the things here would be redundant for Kylo’s illness anyway. Complete overkill.

In my arms, I gathered all I thought I would need for the night ahead, mostly monitoring equipment and medication to help with the high fever, harsh coughing and limb pain brought about by the sickness the virus instigated. I was unsure if Kylo would ever allow me to stick him with anything sharp, but I still prepared a cannula kit just in case dehydration appeared as another problem. And in my own form of overkill, I assembled everything I might need in the highly unlikely scenario he would require intubation, Hux’s threat still ringing in my mind to keep the Supreme Leader alive at all costs.

Luckily for him there was even a ventilator at my disposal in the cupboard. Whoever had arranged this had really wanted to prepare for anything.

With everything primed and ready for use, and Kylo still barely stirring with my movement, it was time for the inevitable task of waking him up.

I stood at the side of the bed for many minutes, my arm stretching out only to recoil again seconds later. I didn’t know why I was so nervous. Rousing patients had never been my favourite thing, but the thought of shaking Kylo Ren out of his unsettled sleep made me horrendously anxious. The only thing that pushed me past that fear was knowing he’d asked for me. He was expecting to see my face when summoned back into consciousness.

With a trembling hand I reached towards his shoulder, still covered by blankets, my fingertips eventually connecting to the smooth fabric. My fingers splayed out to grab the muscles hidden underneath, trying to shake him as gently as possible.

Suddenly I was shoved backwards into the wall, my spine hitting the dark durasteel hard enough to make a small yelp escape. I’d scrunched my eyes closed during the movement, teeth snapping shut in reaction to the pain now pulsing out into my limbs.

When I flickered my lids open again, I saw Kylo sitting up in the bed, his arm extended in my direction, palm open to me. I watched as the realisation hit him, his expression turning from one of retaliation into shock. There were strands of black hair stuck to his skin, a gleam of sweat evident over his face and neck, cheeks flushed with red.

“Ow,” I grumbled, rubbing the back of my head where it had slammed against the metal.

Kylo lowered his hand slowly, breaths still short and ragged. “Sorry,” he croaked, voice worryingly hoarse. “You startled me.”

“Obviously.” With the pain fading I stepped closer, scanning further over his form. His torso was covered in a black long-sleeved night shirt, the sleeves of which he’d pushed up to expose his forearms in an effort to provide some surface area for heat to dissipate. “I just wanted to take some vitals.”

He forcefully relaxed into the head of the bed, still in a sitting position. “Alright then,” he agreed, his darkened brown eyes now avoiding me.

I was caught in a wave of disbelief at his easy acceptance of my request, the words Hux had said now confirmed not to be a lie.

Kylo really had been expecting me.

“Right. So,” I stumbled, moving to organise the lines of monitoring equipment. “I’ll need to place these on a couple of points of your body.” My heart suddenly quickened at the unwelcome thought of his skin connected to mine again.

Kylo glared at me. “I’ll do it. Just instruct me where.”

Should have guessed that was coming.

“Uh, okay then. But you know I can’t do my job right if you won’t let me assess you properly. And that does include... physical contact,” I urged, handing over the conducer dots.

The discomfort on his face was obvious, his face tensing. “Just do what you can without it.”

I sighed under my breath. “The sooner you stop obstructing me the easier this will be.”

“Easier for you maybe,” he muttered lowly, before waving the dots in an inpatient flourish, reminding me to dictate where they needed to go.

“One each on your wrist, neck and temple, then three on your chest.” I motioned to the areas, pointing to the separated positions of the torso dots slowly. He watched me, quickly placing the three extremity dots before stopping.

“Turn around,” he ordered, a long breath before his next word. “Please.”

I cocked my head, slightly exasperated. “Seriously? I mean for one, I’m a healthcare professional. You don’t need to feel shy about showing your body. You know, the thing I’m here to treat? And two…” My voice faltered, a memory of his muscled chest popping into my brain uninvited. “I’ve already seen it.”

“Without permission,” he uttered, his left eye twitching. “In any case, I’m perfectly within my rights to ask for some privacy from my doctor.”

I huffed, conceding, and turned around to face the wall.

This was going to be a long night.

I listened to the rustling of fabric behind me, picturing his hand pulling up the dark shirt, exposing the pale skin of his chest. It was somewhat of a relief I was facing away from his stare in this moment, unable to stop from biting my lip at the envisioned image of his chiselled torso. “When you’re ready, you’ll need to attach the lines to the conducers,” I explained, assuming he wouldn’t let me do that either. “They’re colour coded and numbered. Start at the temple and move down.”

He followed my instruction, hearing the familiar click of the metal clamping onto the dots several times. “Does it matter which order the torso leads go?” he asked, a question I was expecting.

“I could do it for you-”

“No,” he growled. “Just tell me.”

“Number three goes on your right pectoral, number four on the left,” I snapped, his sharp tone flaring my irritation.

After three more clicks, and the sound of material moving over skin, he spoke again, his voice slightly lighter. “Ready.”

I turned, stubbornly refusing to meet his eyes, focusing solely on connecting the lines to the monitor, setting appropriate parameters and silently waiting for the results to show on the projector screen.

While his readings weren’t nearly close to critical, it was clear he was unwell. His heart was beating at an alarming rate. Oxygen levels only just sitting over the optimum level. Blood pressure worryingly elevated considering his young age. And as evident by his quick heaving breaths, his respiration rate was worryingly rapid.

In my periphery, I saw Kylo watching expectantly as I noted the results in the provided data pad.

“Tell me how it feels to breathe,” I asked succinctly. “Be as detailed as you can.”

He took a few defined inhale and exhales. “It’s… more difficult than I’m used to. My lungs feel… heavy, like there’s less space inside my chest.”

I nodded, typing out his answer. “Is there any pain during inhalation?”

“No,” he replied. “Its more that I feel unable to catch my breath.”

“What about pain elsewhere?”

He looked towards his limbs, moving them gently as if to test the reaction. “There’s a small ache, focused more throughout my extremities.”

I hummed in understanding. This was all pretty textbook viral symptoms. Placing the data pad down at the bedside table, I grabbed the thermometer, looking to his eyes again. “I assume you won’t let me do this either right?”

He looked back with predicted irritation. “You can stop with the attitude,” he scowled.

“I’ll do that when you stop scolding me for trying to do my job.”

Kylo responded with a seething glare, yet behind his eyes there was obviously a thoughtful moment, glancing away as he attempted to relax back into the bed.

“Fine,” he stated sharply. “Just do it.”

Though slightly taken aback by his sudden lack of resistance, my feet quickly stepped to his side, seizing this opportunity while it was within my reach. I lifted my hand to the side of his face, pushing through the apprehension that pulled at me, knowing this was the first time I was ever going to touch of him of my own accord.

Why is that such a big deal?

When my fingers connected to his hair, wanting to tuck it behind his ear to expose the place I needed to utilise, I noticed the subtle tensing of his muscles, his jaw locking tight, the strain obvious in his profile. The beep of his heart rate began to build, but I chose to ignore the sound, shifting to push the strands of hair away. Placing the tip of the thermometer in his ear canal, I pressed the ‘assess’ button, numbers appearing within a few seconds. Immediately my feet stepped backwards under me, giving him the space he clearly wanted, reading the numbers that indicated his fever was getting dangerously high.

“I’m done for now.”

Kylo exhaled hard, head turning to face me again, a large hand shaking out the portion of hair I’d slid behind his ear. “And the results are?”

I picked up the data pad to input the temperature result, something I would need to track regularly from now on. Hopefully the process of obtaining it wouldn’t be this uncomfortable again.

“Not exactly good,” I replied frankly. “While it’s clear you’ve manifested the illness the virus causes, it’s difficult to tell where exactly in the virus cycle you are without any previous vital tracking. So, it could get better from here, but it also could get worse.”

He nodded with my answer, quietly deliberating the assessment.

“When did you start feeling symptoms?” I questioned.

“I woke feeling unwell this morning, and it appeared to incapacitate me further as the day wore on.”

My expression turned to concern. “I would prepare to feel a lot worse over the coming hours. Other viral patients seemed to hit their peak symptom burden within 24 hours, unless they unfortunately fell into respiratory distress. Then consequences of the viral damage seem to last significantly longer.”

Kylo studied me, somewhat fascinated. “You seem to have a suitable grasp on the details of this sickness.”

“I have actually been doing the job you’re forcing me to do,” I sneered, before reigning in my irritation. I needed to be professional. “But this is also not my first time dealing with a contagious disease.”

“Ah yes. I remember reading of your appointments on the New Republic’s medical camps and hospital ships.”

I almost dropped the data pad. “You what?”

His eyebrows furrowed in confusion. “Did you assume we wouldn’t perform any background checks on you? To confirm your qualifications?”

“I… uh….” I stammered, only now realising it wasn’t such a wild concept that the First Order would have been able to scrounge up the details of my past. “I suppose I didn’t think about it.”

“It is curious to me though,” he started, wandering over my nervous expression, “That you seemed to disappear off of their staff data banks so suddenly, just over 4 years ago.”

It was difficult to stop the beginnings of dread sparking inside my chest. “I decided it wasn’t for me anymore. Being involved in war relief efforts. It was too… emotionally demanding.” I went back to typing on the data pad, hoping he wouldn’t notice the shift in my mood.

“I can assume the years spent performing that kind of work is what made you so critical of war.” Kylo’s face appeared stern, yet still inquisitive.

“I thought I already mentioned my refusal of discussing war with you.”

“A good leader wants to hear from both sides, to know the arguments against his point of view.”

I snorted, making a dark scowl appear. “The First Order hasn’t exactly got a reputation of caring for anyone else’s wants, needs or opinions, particularly when it comes to war.”

His eyes turned serious, purposeful, before flickering away. “That was before,” he murmured.

I waited for him to keep speaking, appearing as if he had thoughts moving through his mind, staring out into the space of the room. There was an unusually tense silence that hung over us, both having parts of this conversation we didn’t wish to discuss further. I jumped on the opportunity to change the subject, with the important matter of his health still an immense priority.

“I’ve got a couple of options for your treatment, if you’d like to hear them.”

He nodded slowly, watching me set down the data pad and walk around the end of the bed so I could face him.

“For symptom management there’s three medications I want to prescribe for now. A mild pain reliever, a bronchodilator, and an anti-pyretic which works to control your fever. All of these can be administered orally,” I explained. “Would you be alright with that?”

Kylo nodded again, seeming responsive.

Probably wouldn’t last for long.

“Now personally, I would like to put you on some intravenous hydration, which means placing a cannula. Having that there also gives me the option to use a larger range of medication if your condition deteriorates.” I looked at him expectantly, waiting for his reaction. It wasn’t exactly positive.

“Is it absolutely necessary at this stage?”

“Technically no. But the longer you refuse, the riskier it might get if your condition worsens.”

“Can we discuss the option again if my health does indeed decline?” He was looking at me earnestly, and it began to truly dawn on me how averse he was to physical contact. I wanted to ask why, to delve into the reason why my touch seemed so uncomfortable to him.

I could only think of the times he’d made his own attempts to connect his skin to mine, the most recent one significantly more puzzling than the other. He hadn’t appeared hesitant at all when tracing his own fingers over my face, my neck, my body, seeming almost eager to move his touch lower…

“Alex?” he prompted, shaking me out of the deviation.

“Uh, yeah. Sure. That sounds like an adequate plan. For now.” The questions I longed to ask were still there, but it didn’t seem exactly the right time to ask them. “So given your last answer I’m inclined to think that you won’t be allowing me to give you any oxygen supplementation.”

Kylo’s head dipped in agreement. “Is there a level you would consider setting as a limit?” he offered.

I moved to the monitor screen, which had been beeping away throughout our conversation, and turned it so he could see. “You can see your oxygen levels are hovering at 94%, which is pretty poor already. Delving any lower than 90% is extremely damaging to the rest of your body, so if it slips past there I will likely be forcing a breath mask onto you.”

“That’s fair,” he approved. “Is there anything else?”

I deliberated for a moment, making a checklist of his concerns, not having anything further come to mind. “I think that’s about as much as I can advise, for the time being.”

“Thank the maker,” he whispered, his tense position finally easing.

I moved to pick out the doses of medications I had previously mentioned, each having been already pulled from the supply cupboard. I could feel Kylo’s eyes follow me as I placed the tablets into a small pill cup, noticing for the first time since my entrance into his room a flash of his energy buzzing into the atmosphere around us both.

The smoke wasn’t there, assuming he was simply too fatigued to be bothered with rattling against my shield right now. The weight of this new aura was tangible, dense, filled with a liveliness I hadn’t witnessed with him before. Although when I turned to hand over his prescription, it immediately snapped from my senses, like it had never even been there. Handing the glass of water at his bedside to him, I watched as he swallowed the pills.

“Alright then. I’ll let you continue trying to rest.” I picked up the data pad again and programmed it to have the live vitals transmitted from the monitoring system, alerts set for any severe deviations of his condition. “I’ll be just outside if you require anything. Otherwise, I’ll see you in a few hours for another assessment.”

Kylo attempted to express appreciation in his features, the result being his lips barely moving upwards. His eyes were more revealing, a softness to them I didn’t think I’d seen before.

I paced quickly out of the room, his gentle expression actually making me feel a little uneasy, only because of the way it made my chest swell with a subtle exhilaration.

The door slid shut quickly behind me, noticing the code-lock was now disabled, and walked out into the space of Kylo’s quarters. I sat down at one of the dark grey lounges, only now succumbing to the genuine shock I was here, right now, doing this. The professional manner I’d exuded when in his bedroom was now gone, replaced with a surging disbelief at how this day seemed to be concluding.

Why had he asked for me? The singular question was plaguing me above all the rest, since our last encounter didn’t exactly imply he was all that confident in my abilities to care for patients of the First Order.

Was this another bizarre form of punishment? Another way to toy with my psyche? I didn’t know. I would probably never know what was really happening inside his head.

As I sat in quiet contemplation, unsure of what to do with myself, this bland living space not exactly providing much in the way of opportunities for passing time. My only inclination to any type of diversion was the rumble in my stomach, looking to the chronometer on the data pad and noticing it was around dinner time.

I assumed Kylo wouldn’t mind me fixing myself a meal, considering I was going to be stuck here until he recovered. Sure, I could just call for whatever food I wanted to be sent here, but the thought of filling some time with cooking was the only option I felt like I had.

The conservator was filled with a huge variety of food items, a great deal I didn’t recognise. My hands pulled out some of the non-threatening looking vegetables and leafy greens, hoping to form some kind of salad, then eyeing what I guessed was Bantha steak on one of the shelves. The idea of real meat was tantalising, not having been given any since I’d been captured, immediately deciding to use it for my meal.

It took an annoyingly long amount of time to orientate myself to this kitchen, and it was evident early into the endeavour it had never been used. Fortunately, I was able to gather most of the equipment I needed, even able to find some spices to enhance the flavour of the Bantha.

Eventually I was at the nanowave stove, the meat searing wonderfully on the heated pan, the smell of roasted potatoes spilling from the gasser, when the data pad I’d left on the kitchen counter began to alarm. Rushing to it, I saw the wavelengths had suddenly become flat. I began to dart towards Kylo’s bedroom, assuming the worst, when the door opened, his towering figure almost hitting the top of the entryway, face set with bewilderment.

“What are you doing?” he asked, moving his nose up to sniff the scent of Bantha meat still sizzling away.

His sudden unaffected presence had caught me off-guard, having to catch my breath before answering. “You scared the heck out of me,” I wheezed. “What are you doing out of bed?”

Kylo looked to the now brightly illuminated kitchen. “I heard you making a commotion out here. Slightly difficult to sleep though that.”

“Sorry,” I mumbled. “I was hungry.”

He continued to peer at me quizzically. “You know you can have whatever you require sent to these quarters, don’t you?”

Knowing he wasn’t dying made me relax enough to return to my meal-prepping, shuffling back quickly in the hopes I hadn’t burnt the meat. “I was also bored,” I called from the kitchen.

Kylo’s expression seemed to reflect an acceptance of my answer. He stepped forward from the doorway, studying the scene of my attempt at cookery, the conducer dots still attached to his skin. He stopped when he’d reached the counter dividing the kitchen from the rest of the living space, examining the salad I’d already prepared inquisitively.

I could only assume it was the manners my parents instilled into me as young child that made me ask him, “Would you like me to prepare you a meal?”

His head shot to me, further perplexed. I avoided the intensity of his gaze, looking back to the pieces of Bantha meat with forced interest, moving them pointlessly around in the pan, wishing I hadn’t let the words slip from my mouth. Only the constant crackle of grilling meat filled the air, my question still unanswered after more than a few seconds of time.

“I suppose I should probably eat something,” he murmured, making me almost lose grip of the spatula in my hand.

“Sure. No problem,” I replied with false confidence, hoping he didn’t notice the widening of my eyes in surprise.

He was continually silent as I began to finalise my, well… now our, dinner preparations, bringing another plate onto the counter and dividing the portions evenly. I pushed a serving towards him, along with a set of cutlery, looking up to his face with a softened smile.

Without words, I moved to the dining table that sat next the transparisteel wall, the six seats positioned around it I’d already deduced had never been sat in before. I situated myself at the end that faced the endless twinkling space, quite content to stare into that somewhat comforting abyss as I ate my meal. Kylo preceded to follow my lead, taking the opposing chair, both the furthest away yet directly facing me.

The nervous energy in the air was thick, both distinctly aware of the peculiar nature of this scene, a long minute passing by before we directed our attention to the meal in front of us. The silence was relentless while we picked delicately at our food, my only comfort being in the taste of what I’d made, thankfully turning out better than I predicted. Kylo didn’t exactly indicate his opinion on my cooking, but he didn’t seem disgusted by it. I claimed that as a small victory.

There was no conversation made while we ate, struggling to think of any kind of suitable conversation starter. From my few awkward glances at Kylo, he appeared to be having the same kind of apprehension.

Minutes passed, soon leading us each to the end of our dinner. I was locked in a dazed quiet when he stood with his plate and continued to make his way to where I sat, scooping up my own and taking it with him to the kitchen. My eyes grew wider as I watched him nonchalantly place the dishes into the auto-washer, continuing to collect the used bowls and utensils and settling them into the same location.

“You don’t have to do that,” I assured him, rising from my chair. “I made the mess. Go and get some rest.”

He waved me off, turning the water faucet in the sink and laying the pan under the stream. “You made the meal. It’s only fair.”

“You’re not well Kylo,” I reasoned softly. “You don’t need to worry about being well-mannered right now.”

His eyes immediately darted to mine, snatching his hand away from the bubbling water. It occurred to me then, that I’d never spoken his name in his presence before.

He coughed harshly, the sound sending a shiver of concern over my skin, and preceded to exit the kitchen area. “I’ll leave it to you then.”

Moving swiftly through the living space, Kylo refused to look back as he paced back into his bedroom, the door slipping shut behind him. I would have used the moment to take check of the situation that just unfolded in front of me, but the water in the sink was getting dangerously close to spilling over. I rushed to turn the flow off, focusing hard on the act of cleaning up to prevent myself from chewing through the bizarreness that was this evening.

*

It was hours later, with mindless studying of research articles and First Order authorised news the only thing helping keep me occupied. Kylo had thankfully replaced his monitor lines on the return to his room, and his vitals had remained similar to when I’d first assessed him.

Although, his oxygen levels still concerned me greatly. They’d now fallen to 92%, and it was only the agreement we’d made earlier that kept me from storming in and forcing an oxygen filled breath mask on his face. I hoped to wait another hour before disturbing him for another physical assessment, thinking sleep was significantly more beneficial than my prodding.

It was when the haze of sleep began to pull, just past midnight, that the data pad alarm began to sound. Scrambling to the small screen I saw his heartbeat was elevated to a dangerously increased pace, respirations now critically quickened, oxygenation levels falling below 90% right in front of my eyes.

I picked myself up from the sofa and ran to the bedroom, the door opening immediately at the wave of my hand over the code-lock. The room was swathed in a blanket of darkness, Kylo obviously having turned off the lights to aid in his sleep. Rushing to what I could see of his bedside, my fingers fumbled around, searching for the switch to softly illuminate the room.

When my eyes glanced to Kylo’s figure he was shivering in his slumber, exhales escaping from his lips with a whimper, bed sheets completely ripped away, clothes noticeably damp with sweat.

Hands lunged for the thermometer, caring little if I woke him, unconcerned with his aversion to being touched. He barely roused as I shoved the tip into his ear, the results soon indicating he was suffering from a severe high-grade fever.

I needed to cool him down, quickly.

With both palms placed on his chest, I shook him hard. “Kylo! Wake up! I need to get you to the ‘fresher!”

His eyes didn’t open, head rolling lifelessly toward me.

Do something. Now.

~

Next Chapter

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[zalrb]

hi! same anon from before, hahah. first of all thank u so much for answering - i'm a big steve mcqueen fan too and i was wondering if you were ever interested in reviewing your favourite mcqueen movies? a few words for each kinda thing. i love your movie reviews because way more often than not, i find myself agreeing with you and you seem to find the exact right words. of course, it's merely a request you don't *have* to take seriously.i hope u have a great day!

OK so here is my list, starting from favourite to least favourite. The only feature film of his that I haven’t seen is Hunger.

What I will say are general Steve McQueen characteristics that I like about all of the movies is the fact that his films require patience and attention. If I’m tired or not really in the mood to devote my focus but I want to watch something, I’m not putting on a Steve McQueen film. I want to be fully present. His work demands that. I appreciate that.

I have also come to respect that there are what you would consider holes in his movies. Like we don’t really know anything about Brandon’s backstory in Shame, we know his sister says that they come from a bad place but we don’t know what that place is and the movie doesn’t find it necessary to divulge that information. Widows has a lot of loose ends that a typical heist movie may at least attempt to sort out but I don’t think McQueen really concerns himself with those details, he concerns himself with the emotional present and he concerns himself with the present to such an intimate and almost unbearable degree that it can make you flinch and cringe as a viewer because it’s uncomfortable to kind of stew in emotional truth like that, it’s uncomfortable to stew in the present that way.

There is an artistry and a poetry to his movies, it reminds me of paintings and I can say without irony or without being corny or without being pretentious, that these movies really do examine the human condition, do deep dives into emotion or deep dives into emotions that a particular event or issue would bring about.

1. Lovers Rock

I love this movie for so many different reasons. It means so much to me as a woman of Jamaican descent to see an ode to Caribbean party culture in the diaspora

and even though it’s in London and even though it was in the 80s, there is so much overlap in Canada, it was basically like a spiritual experience watching this movie and on twitter, there was so much outpour of gratitude and feeling seen by Caribbean Canadians, it was like a whole moment, so this movie makes me super emotional.

Like this scene, where they yell “Jah!” “Rastafari!” it got me in my chest and I had never experienced feeling so seen in film before because it’s specifically Caribbean, in this case Jamaican, and what I usually see is African American or movies from the Continent and this was diasporic and it was Caribbean

But what I also love about it is that even though it takes place over one night, it’s a love story between two young dark-skinned Black people and it’s handled with the kind of grace and beauty and weight that I like in my love stories, like it’s not Atonement, it’s not POTC, but it’s this culturally specific courting and coming together and it’s super sweet and just very nice

2. Alex Wheatle

There is this scene in this movie that is excruciating to me in its simplicity and it’s one of McQueen’s techniques or choices. So this installation in Small Axe is about Alex Wheatle who is an author and in the beginning we see his life in an orphanage and how he’s abused and ridiculed and how as a child he would be thrown in a room for hours just lying on his side

Then we get to him as an adult and we see the way the police harass Black youth and they take Alex throw him in the back of their van and he’s bloodied and beaten and he’s just lying on his side for hours. And I cried because that callback to his childhood was so brutal to me even though we don’t see excessive violence onscreen, it was just him lying on his side like when he was a kid and how systems upon systems are failing him and failing Black children, Black people and I didn’t need that spelled out for me, I just needed to see him lying on his side for minutes. And that’s kind of the power of McQueen’s directing/storytelling to me?

Another reason I really like Alex Wheatle - and the Small Axe anthology as a whole - is showcasing Black history in other countries

and it’s a great story about identity and figuring out your history, your roots, where you come from and how it informs you

3. 12 Years A Slave

I didn’t know if I was going to watch 12 Years A Slave or not, I kind of make it a point not to watch movies about enslavement now and I haven’t seen a movie about enslavement since (I did watch the show Underground though). What I love about this movie is how it examines the human condition, how it examines resilience, how it examines the soul, really, through many of the characters but particularly Solomon. It’s that unflinching portrayal of emotion and the present that really stuck out to me. And also again some of McQueen’s choices, like when they’re on the slave ship, for a lot of it we don’t see inside, we see the rudders

but that inspired such dread in me? We see the trees a lot.

We see the setting. We see the environment and that just adds a whole other layer, Lupita Nyong’o spoke about that when filming, about just thinking about the trees and what they witnessed. But I watched it, I didn’t cry until the third act then I wouldn’t stop crying then I pulled myself together and a week later, my roommate was playing it in her room and I could hear it and I was trying to write for workshop and it was just the score that I could hear and I got so emotional I had to ask her to put her earphones in so I could work.

4. Education

This installment of Small Axe was again an educational one for me (pun intended) because I know the ways in which the education system in my country and in my province and in my city fail Black children and I know enough about how that happens in the States, I didn’t know so much about how it happened in England and this was very illuminating for me without it taking on the tone of a docu. There is this scene that is just so uncomfortable to watch because it’s long and it’s boring and it’s irritating and that’s exactly what you’re supposed to feel because you’re supposed to feel exactly what the characters would feel in those moments:

Education also has a scene where we hear an entire song, but it’s deliberately not fun, when the teacher torments all the kids with his acoustic version of “House of the Rising Sun.” Why that song? That happened with me!

Oh my god. The teacher brought in his guitar, and he started to strum. We’re this captive audience. That was it. But it’s interesting, about that sequence. Because it’s funny, and then it gets irritating, and then you get bored. You have to go through boredom to get to the other side of it, and then you get to something else. And then there’s another understanding of it. So it had to play out that way, in real time.

and you know by the end, the movie explores how to engage children, how to encourage children, how to advocate for children and the different ways you can educate children so it’s an optimistic movie and I appreciated that

5. Widows

My second best experience at TIFF (Toronto International Film Festival) was watching Widows. TIFF screenings tend to be very quiet. But there’s a scene in Widows where after the protagonists (four women) do the work and get the money, Daniel Kaluuya watches them, holds them at gunpoint and takes the money, then leaves in his car. Then you’re with him in this car and he’s feeling good about himself and he’s laughing and he’s listening to this speech his brother makes then you see another car gain on him, run into him and it’s the protagonists and they take their money back and the entire theatre cheered and clapped and it was awesome. And that is the type of “girl power” scenes I like that aren’t “girl power” scenes? Where it’s just this man thought he could take what he wanted from these women and leave and they were like ummmmmmm?

I would say Widows is McQueen’s most commercial movie and it still doesn’t read very commercial and unfortunately Liam Neeson is in it but again I like the choices he made, I like that when Colin Farrell’s character is going on this racist rant in his car, we see the exterior of the car with his dialogue as a voiceover.

I like how controlled and tight the direction is and how throughout the movie I was on the edge of my seat in a different way, I was just tense until it was all over. It was also interesting watching his direction with Gillian Flynn’s screenplay interact with each other.

I had issues with this movie, mainly one moment which is when Alice, who is white, slaps Veronica (Viola Davis) -- Veronica slaps Alice first but Alice is a character who has been abused and who has been controlled by the men in her life, by her mother and she’s finding independence and so she exerts that by slapping Veronica back and I just thought there were other ways to show that.

6. Red, White and Blue

Another installment of Small Axe. My first husband stars in it and won a GG for it

and has this gem in it

It’s a good representation of what it looks like trying to right a system from the inside, since this is about Leroy Logan who became a police officer and ended up policing the neighbourhood he grew up in and how he was trying to be a positive change in the environment and in the police force and the racism he experienced as an officer

7. Mangrove

The first installment of Small Axe. To be quite honest I wanted to like Mangrove more than I did. It’s Steve McQueen so it’s a good movie, although the accents had some Trini people I know be like mmmmmmmmmmmmno, and again it’s also an educational movie because you learn about the Mangrove restaurant which was a Caribbean restaurant and hub for the community and for artists and authors and the police saw it as a threat so they constantly harassed the costumers and did raids and did everything in their power to shut it down.

And there are some great lines in this movie, I was most compelled when it became a courtroom drama, because that was some masterful directing

8. Shame

Shame was definitely uncomfortable for me to watch haha and it’s interesting because there were reviews that were like the title doesn’t match what we see because are we really expected to believe that the protagonist feels shame when we see him in New York having anonymous sex with [conventionally] attractive strangers and he has awkward moments with his sister and I was just like ............ if there’s anything McQueen is able to do is show how mechanical and compulsive Brandon’s sexual conquests are and his inability to actually connect because once he does he becomes impotent and pushes Marrianne away, his life is sterile and unfulfilling

so, I don’t know, some of the reviews had me like, what movie were you watching?

[playchoices]

Rules of Engagement: Book 3

Inside Choices is a behind-the-scenes blog from the Pixelberry Team!

Since it launched last fall, Rules of Engagement has been going full steam ahead. Now on its third book, the trilogy is settling the question of your nana's inheritance, once and for all. Will true love prevail? Are you headed for married bliss or total disaster? And can your siblings figure things out in time? All will be answered in the upcoming Rules of Engagement chapters!

A chat with the Rules of Engagement writers has been long past due, so here they are! To get a behind-the-scenes peek at Rules of Engagement, read on...

I remember the feeling of excitement in the air when Rules of Engagement was being brainstormed as the first book to follow up the initial three in Choices. How did you come up with Rules of Engagement? Where did you want to go with it?

Kara: I was still working on TC&TF, which was a trilogy, so it felt right to think of this one as a trilogy too. With how big the cast was, I think it would've been hard to do justice to all of the characters and plots that we had planned in a shorter amount of time. We knew we wanted to get another book out fast, so we didn't have too much time going into it. We brainstormed each sibling's plot separately, which was a lot of world building, but we were really happy with how different each story came out. We knew we wanted Rules to have more crazy twists and drama than the other books, so it was really fun trying to come up with those, but mostly I just fell in love with all of the characters and telling all of their stories.

Jennifer: I remember when we were first brainstorming, one of the themes we wanted to touch upon was the theme of family. That's why the siblings are so close, and I think the idea of keeping the family together was what inspired all of Nana's zany requests. Even though Nana's will seems pushy, I always thought, at the heart of it, what she wanted most was to see everyone happy which is why the tasks push them to making such drastic changes in their lives.

Coco: I didn't join the Rules team until later on in Book 1, but I know they wanted to create a book that enabled players to travel often and see new places! Because cruise ships are so mobile, the Ember of the Sea was an ideal setting. I have an uncle that worked briefly as a pianist on a cruise ship in the Mediterranean, so I drew a little bit from my experience when I visited him! Getting to write about travel adventures was one of the aspects that excited me the most, and I can't wait to show the different places we'll go next!

What's new about Book 3? How do you think the series has changed?

Coco: In Book 3, players get to plan different aspects of their wedding from the vows to the decorations! The finale will be fun either way, but the art and events change depending on your choices, and our artists did a great job. I hope this gives a more customizable and personal feel to your wedding day!

We also reveal a bit more about the backstory of the family members, particularly your aunt and your cousin. In particular, how you choose to treat your cousin will affect your playthrough and ending of the series. I have something of a soft spot for cousin -- she's so snarky and fun to write, but she's also been through a lot. I'm looking forward to developing these characters more and revealing new dimensions to them.

Since this is Rules of Engagement, we've gotta talk romance. Who would you date in Rules of Engagement?

Ariel: Actually, the Rules of Engagement writers each have a different favorite suitor. There's no lack of love for any of our leading lady's prospective fiances! We often joke about which writer is the leader of their favorite guy's fan club and who's the hottie of the Ember of the Sea, but at the end of the day, each suitor has their own strengths designed to make us swoon. The businessman appeals to those who want to get swept off their feet and enjoy grand gestures, while the prince is perfect for anyone who loves adventure and being spontaneous, and last but not least, the bartender speaks to those who desire that confidante who always knows how to make them laugh.

Coco: Ariel came up with a very diplomatic answer, but don't be fooled! She's Team Bartender all the way! :P I have to agree with her; I think falling in love with your best friend sounds like the ideal. However, I think the prince is the most fun to write because he's the most rebellious.

Jennifer: I originally wrote for and have a soft spot for the businessman. But if I could personally date anyone in Rules, it would be the older brother, Alex, because I always find his chapters hilarious.

Aside from the cruise and the massive inheritance, a good chunk of Rules of Engagement ties into real life. There's the ups and downs of dating, figuring out your future and identity, being there for your family... How do you relate to the story? And how does that influence your writing?

Kara: Rules has always been close to my heart because I was able to put a lot of my own family experience into the story. I'm the youngest of four, with an older brother and two older sisters--I guess maybe that makes me the Jess? Also, like the Rules siblings, I'm biracial, though I'm half Chinese and they're half Filipino Chinese. Growing up in a big family, I've always loved sibling dynamics and how each person can be related and have these shared experiences of childhood, but also have their own personality that they bring to the table. I think what I like most about Rules is that the siblings all love and support each other so much. That's what I've always loved about my own family. We're each off doing our own things in life, but deep down, we're a team and we always have each other's backs. I really wanted the Rules siblings to have that same feel.

Jennifer: I relate to the story on many levels which is why it's so near and dear to my heart. Having a close family is a big one like Kara was saying. My nuclear family isn't that big, but I grew up with my sister and my cousins, so it felt that way. That made it super fun to write the sibling scenes, particularly the ones where you get dressed with your sisters or stay up late to giggle in your room talking about life (and boys). Another big one is that my own family is Chinese but grew up in the Philippines, so the blend of those two cultures was something we decided to put into the family's background. And of course, I drew on my own experience dating (eep!) when it came to capturing the excitement of meeting someone for the first time and realizing you're falling in love as well as portraying the doubts and thoughts that crop up as you're discovering who you are in that relationship and how you relate to the other person.

A key part of the whole inheritance task deal is that each sibling has to learn something - whether its responsibility, spontaneity, or discovering true love. Which of Nana's lessons speak to you the most?

Coco: I think I'm somewhere halfway between the twins Jess and Nicole (perhaps most people are?), so I'm not sure that either of their tasks fits me perfectly. But I think all of the inheritance tasks were their nana's way of guiding the cousins along to the future in the best way she knew how. As a 20-something who recently graduated college (ugh, a millenial, I know), I can definitely relate to them in terms of trying to figure out my next step and where to go from here. I feel like the summer tasks give the cousins a chance to experiment and explore, whether it's with careers, love, adventure, or independence, as well as learn that these don't all have to be mutually exclusive.

Jennifer: Of all the siblings, I'm the most like Nicole in that, when I was younger, I wanted ultimate control of my life. In college, I had a very detailed plan to become a doctor and save the world, so I think it's funny that I became a writer for Pixelberry. Of course, writing was such a big part of my life growing up--I started when I was six and kept writing throughout high school. I'm surprised I didn't embrace that side of myself earlier, but I think I was a little afraid since so much of writing is putting yourself out there. I guess what I learned and tried to put into the Nicole arc is that life throws you so many curveballs, that some spontaneity and a little bit of courage is necessary for you to figure out what you want most and to go for it.

What do we have to look forward to with the rest of Book 3? What are you most excited about?

Jennifer: Planning your wedding! =) Also, I hope people enjoy the conclusion as much as we enjoyed brainstorming it. There's something very satisfying about tying up loose ends.

Coco: There's plenty to look forward to, like new ports to visit, new outfits, new characters, new animations, and also a few new romances for the supporting characters! In the first two books, we wanted to give you more of an opportunity to go on different dates and have fun, but in Book 3, you'll hopefully get to know your special, chosen fiancé on a deeper level. I'm probably most excited about bachelorette/bachelor party shenanigans, but also a few things that I can't quite share with you yet! ;)

As we reach the conclusion of the series, thanks to everyone who has been traveling on the cruise ship with us, from the several writers who have moved on to new projects, and of course, to the players! We hope you've had fun escaping to the Mediterranean with us.

Be sure to check back Wednesdays for new chapters of Rules of Engagement: Book 3! Where do you think the cruise will go next?

-Jessica

[pasta-abomination]

Well, Supergirl, it’s been fun.

When I first heard of the show last year, it was this—maybe a little cheesy, but that’s comics—fun show with a focus on relationships between women of all different types, a show about a woman growing up and coming into her own and finding her place in the world. And, of course, Kara and Alex. The sisterhood at the heart of the show. Of course there were some things that could’ve been done better—but it became clearer and clearer that it was an honest effort.

I hope you know how much of a leap of faith it took to follow Supergirl to the CW, as a queer woman. I hope you know that that’s—in my entirely unprofessional opinion—an indicator of how much good faith this show had. This show literally got the CW’s foot in the door with a demographic that it had all but completely alienated by this time last year.

I think it’s safe to say you’ve used that up.

I believe that representation matters. But it doesn’t begin and end with Sanvers. And this season I have watched:

1. A black man and a beloved DC character sidelined as a love interest with no warning, no real explanation, and no further treatment of it—now, as we know, to pair off Kara with the frat-boy reincarnation of Lar Gand 
 2. Kara’s entire arc this season (both Danvers sisters, actually) be reduced to her love interest. Jeremiah who? 
 3. The eighty millionth regurgitation of the “love of a good woman” trope. I don’t need to go into why this is inappropriate on so many levels in a supposedly feminist show that’s marketed towards young women and girls (but I will anyways). 
 4. Characterization and continuity thrown out the window in order to make Mon-El look good and drive the plot. 

 For Jeremiah’s deception to fool everyone but Mon-El, not only do we have to assume that it never occurred to trained government operatives that he could be a plant, we also have to believe that a) no one examined him at the DEO, b) if they did, no one knows the difference between a robotic arm and a human one, and c) we have to forget that Hank/J’onn is a literal mind reader. 

 You can only excuse so much before it starts to look like you’re tearing down your title character and your actual core ensemble in order to make a character relevant to the plot.
 5. Kara repeatedly insist that she doesn’t like Mon-El, she doesn’t want to be around him—only to have him harass her until she dates him (or forgives him). 
 6. Alex “Come near my family and I will end you” Danvers push her sister repeatedly at a man who Kara has openly expressed dislike for multiple times; who, once they’re dating, disrespects and lies to her repeatedly. She excuses his behavior on more than one occasion. (Are we sure they haven’t all been replaced with White Martians?) 
 7. Watch Kara be put in a position (sometimes transparently contrived, as in “Homecoming”) where she either has to apologize to Mon-El because he’s been justified by the narrative, or, for some unknown reason (usually prodding from another character, like Alex or the Music Meister), decides to forgive him. Over and over and over again. 
 8. An actual episode, supposedly focused on the Danvers family, where Mon-El has more screen time than the actual lead and drives a plot he isn’t even relevant to.

This show was, nominally, about Kara Danvers. Her as a whole person; trauma, family, grief, rage, jealousy—and her deep desire in spite of what she’d been through to give back to her adoptive home and do the right thing. It was about her professional life, trying to make her way in the world and working for the kind of woman that could help her learn how to do those things. It was about her assumptions being challenged—not narratively bludgeoned—and her learning. But most of all, it was about her becoming her own person. A whole person.

That show is gone. Her single main arc this season as a character is rehabilitating the galaxy’s most unrepentant frat boy by… arguing with him a lot and constantly being pushed to a point where she’s ready to break up with him, apparently. People are so quick to say “But he’s learning!”; “But Kara’s a stick-in-the-mud!”; “She’s prejudiced too!” (I’m pretty sure you call “prejudice” against a shameless misogynist “standards”, but what do I know, I’m gay). They’re missing the point. And that is:

Kara’s story now revolves around Mon-El.

Arguments and evenings with him have entirely replaced “sister nights” at the end of the episodes. His secrets, his disrespect, his actions, are now driving her development as a character. She mostly only reacts to events outside of that, like another threat from Cadmus, or rescuing Lena Luthor, or whatever’s happening with Jeremiah—but her stance towards those events is reactive.

In other words, Kara no longer drives her own story.

And Kara has lost her job at CatCo. That job that, last year, “kept her connected” to the people she was trying to serve? Disappeared with a whimper after a similarly half-assed treatment to the search for Jeremiah. Kara no longer has a professional life.

But okay. I’m gay; clearly I don’t understand what it’s like to be heterosexual, or in a relationship, and I’m obviously only in this for the Supercorp, right? I should just stay in my lane. I have Sanvers! What else could I possibly want?

Funny you should ask.

Flip side of Alex’s story—I’ve lived in queer communities. I’ve watched friends come out. Women who thought they were straight.

And I watched them struggle with the things they’ve been taught about relationships. What they should want and what’s acceptable from a partner. What love looks like, on that micro, interpersonal level. Things that are, in many ways, inextricably intertwined with gender, in our culture.

Mon-El is the closest thing I can think of to an embodiment of all those things that they struggle to unlearn. Mon-El—and stories like this one—are exactly how they learned those things.

Let me remind you, in case you’ve forgotten, that while the queer lady fanbase for shows tends to have a much wider age range, this show is primarily directed at young women and girls.

A show that’s marketed as “female-centric” has in fact become a show about a woman fixing a man—a man who, incidentally, doesn’t want to be fixed. He just wants to keep banging her.

And these girls are going to grow up and become women—straight or not—who will go out into the world thinking that this is normal. That this is acceptable—to be lied to repeatedly, to have your requests for privacy disregarded, your family spoken to rudely and your parents treated with hostility and suspicion, to have your house broken into, be accused of sleeping with someone by a jealous not-boyfriend, to shoulder the entire emotional weight of making the relationship work by forgiving him over and over and over again—

—Because in the end, the story goes, that will make him (them) better.

The reality is, so often, that it doesn’t. That a person will happily continue taking advantage of someone’s good faith if they think they can get away with it. That jealous behavior like Mon-El exhibits often escalates into physical violence. That a dude who seemingly doesn’t care is often exactly what he seems. Someone who doesn’t want to change will not change, no matter how “much” you love them.

That you owe it to that person to stay with them and pour all your effort into a relationship; that sure, you “deserve better” than to be lied to—But you’re still a terrible person if you don’t give them another chance.

Compared with a relationship that only gets five minutes of screen time most episodes, it feels a little bit like I’m expected to be happy with what I’m offered as a member of the queer female demographic and ignore the utterly cringe-worthy toxicity of the Kara/Mon-El relationship, the abrupt and kinda racist way James was removed from the field, the terrible narrative choices, the plot holes so big you could lose Fort Rozz in them, and, oh yeah—that Supergirl is no longer Kara’s story. It’s the story of Mon-El’s rehabilitation.

I can’t celebrate the representation I’ve wanted for fifteen years when it means I have to ignore the destructive messages the rest of this show is pushing.

And, kinda like a car crash, it’s becoming increasingly clear that whoever is driving this story is not letting off the gas. I don’t know why. But I can see it coming, so I’m bailing.

I want to support positive queer representation. I want to support shows about women, and their stories—all of them. It’s what made me willing to take a risk on this show after the move was announced.

But Supergirl is no longer that story. And damn, I wish it were different. But I recognize the signs. And I’m gonna be spending my Monday evenings watching something else. Something I can enjoy without feeling like I’m throwing anyone who’s not me under the bus. Hanging on and waiting for a change that’s never gonna come.