#I’m going to edit this on my computer because the app is being a bitch and won’t let me format it how I want to

[always-a-slut-4-ghouls]

So, a breakdown of my “looks like were going to have to kill him” meme situation.

In the previous post I wasn’t really trying all that hard to do character accuracy. It was a text post about some fan art I wouldn’t know how to draw, but I’m going to try exploring the concept and explaining myself quick.

Okay, first place. These two:

Could they kill someone? Yes. Would they? Yeah, probably

second/third tie since this is all very convoluted, these two.

could he kill a man? Yeah, depending on what age you were using him as. Adult? Yeah. Child though...

I think it would be very funny because in that case it's basically "You're like twelve" for the last two but I can 100% see her killing someone under the right circumstances.

"You're like twelve"

also young but probably would kill a guy more easily:

How tf would that meme even work with this lineup? And isn't it in a car? Would it be a van? Are the animals also there? I would include them, and also fitting toothless in a van is incredibly funny to me. I have no idea what I'm doing

[thessalian]

Thess vs Older Titles

So here we have one of the big problems with this “Always Online” bullshit.

Some games I own, I own in two places. Because Reasons, mostly, I think. One of them is Kingdoms of Amalur: Reckoning. And one of the things about that one is that all the DLC you get with specific editions can only be accessed when you’re logged into your EA account.

Amalur’s one of the ones I reinstalled on Steam, but apparently it has a tendency to bork out before it even hits the title screen on Steam. Does it on the EA app too, but ironically, that’s easier to deal with - you just run the Repair function and you’re fine. (Or rather, it was; today that fix is not working.)

Then I ran into the other problem of “Okay, it won’t log me into my EA account”.

First thought was “Did I misremember my password?” It’s possible; there’s a lot of autofill on passwords nowadays. So I changed my EA password and ... still no.

Did some Googling. Turns out that in May this year, EA shut down the server that services Amalur. Which means the base game is playable, but I don’t know whether we still get the DLC. I mean, if we have to be logged in for it, I don’t see how we can.

So there it is - I know there are other examples of this, but this is supposed to be a full-on single-player game with no actual need to be linked to Being Online, but they did it to validate DLC, and now they can’t validate DLC anymore because the servers shut down. So everyone who’s starting a new game at this stage loses their DLC, which includes entire zones, I might add, as well as some gear I really liked. Fine, it’s an eleven-year-old game, but ... people play those. *gestures emphatically at Dragon Age*

(I’d be gesturing emphatically at Mass Effect too but the LE kind of made that superfluous.)

Not that it matters when the damn game really does not like Win10 and now I can’t get it to load no matter what I do. I guess I’ll just have to find something else to play. I struggle to decide which game to play, and get my wheel spoked at the outset with tech incompatibility and the problems inherent in lack of physical ownership of product. I mean, I’m trying really hard not to be “Old Man Yells At Cloud” here, but I look at my computer, which didn’t come with a disc drive because that was apparently a more expensive option somehow, and I look at this shit, and I go, “...Honestly, doesn’t anyone miss games where you just owned the disc and you played?” I can see console players being smug but given the online store and subscription services run by the biggies, we’re not far from losing disc drives on consoles either.

There’s a lot I could say about how precarious an existence it is these days. We own less and less, and there’s a security in ownership. There’s knowing that no one can take this away from you on a whim. But most people can’t afford to actually own a home, so they’re beholden to landlords who could play silly buggers with the terms of the lease at more or less any time. Job security doesn’t exist for most people, particularly given “at-will employment”. And as for things like entertainment...

Side bar: If Netflix wasn’t being such a stingy bitch about cancelling programmes before they’re due residuals, I’d probably be more or less okay with the renting of that particular service because I remember a time before all this when we couldn’t afford a VCR or cable TV so we were at the mercy of the networks a lot. And even with cable, it was just more channels where someone else controlled your programming entirely. They do have to consolidate server space somewhere - I just wish they’d do it more with older movies instead of original programming, and that it really was space consolidation instead of screwing the writers and actors and so on out of hard-earned residuals.

For things like video games, though? I mean, come on. How many of us are sitting on games we’ll play eventually but haven’t got around to yet? It’s absolute shit when we do get around to those, only to find out that no, apparently the publisher decided that it’s not profitable for them to run the game that we specifically paid for anymore. It’s one thing when it’s a MMO; it’s another when it’s a single-player game that didn’t have to be online that you paid full price for but suddenly can’t play because the publisher said so. I can live with the technology no longer being compatible because age - it annoys me, but I get it. But they didn’t have to make it need to be online. Yeah, I know, digital rights management, anti-piracy action, blah; it never works anyway and I have a whole other rant about piracy that I don’t really want to go into right now. I just want to be able to own what I bought.

Right. I’ll stop bitching and go find something else to play.

[alyseofwonderland]

Alyse Reads The Goldfinch, Part 2

What follows is my best attempt at liveblogging. I had the books as an audiobook in hopes that I could keep it from taking even more of my life from me. This was perhaps a mistake. I think I broke Siri trying to make notes. The notes that are rambly are the ones I dictated.

I entirely blame @rollono​ for my suffering. But I am also aware that it seems to give her joy. 

Every time I reference Tara, I am talking about @wellntruly​ who’s own live blog of the book was the only roadmap I had to follow in this waterlogged wasteland of a novel.

Part 1

I thought Tara was making up the Camel-hair coat bit but APPARENTLY NOT.

Architecture has that much to do with the city and or northern Europe, really? I mean, “whitewash” doesn't everybody do that?

Nina ( @proud-librarian​ ) is going to have a lot to say about their descriptions of the Netherlands and Amsterdam in this book. like oh my God!

Theo Deckard doesn't understand how thermostats work.

This isn't satire? I don't understand we're like three minutes in and it has to be satire. right. right?

Who the hell says my mother and I didn't like my father much? like what.... what is this? what am I reading? what is happening? what.... I don't understand.... okay maybe fine whatever

This feels like it should be... I don't know.... satire is the word I'm looking for again. I don't want to just repeat what Tara, said but Jesus. the start of the story is he is rich enough to have a Doorman but not rich enough to afford the fancy private school, and him and his friends break into vacation homes in the Hamptons. what is this? what is this? I just... just.... just write a Jane Austen or Lord Byron novel if that's what you want to do just do that. do that.

My audiobook app just turned itself off in the middle of a passage because it decided I didn't need to listen to Theo talk about whatever he was talking about.

Curse you, Donna Tartt, for also being in the "all things coconut smell like suntan lotion" club. I did not want to have this in common with you.

I am laughing so hard it turns silent into my steering wheel because the audiobook reader makes Tom Cable sound like a surfer dude from the 70s,  and I. cannot. handle. that.

"I like to think of myself as a perceptive person" is basically the way that I know that Theo has about Harry Potter level skills of observation when it comes to the people around him.

Y'all this book would be so much better if Theo actually thought like a 13-year-old that he is supposed to be in the intro part. That would just be peak comedy, which is really what I'm looking for.

Audrey Decker and the Laura Moon from American gods are now the two people that I have ever known to call men "puppy" which I still find alarming, in both cases. Surprisingly they also both die, so I guess more things they have in common.

The longer this book goes on the more clear it is that I am not bougie enough for its contents. ( timestamp 30 minutes)

(GIF BY @rollono​ BY MY REQUEST FOR EVERY TIME THIS BOOK MAKES ME FEEL POOR)

I just can't suspend my disbelief enough to think that a 13-year-old would know this much about their parent's job and be able to ask questions. I'm trying to think of what my dad was doing when I was 13, and I mean I know where he worked, and I know who his boss was, but if you tried to ask me daily issues or me giving advice... oh my gosh. I just can't. nobody talks like this.

I’m making a face akin to Kermit the frog. 

I threw up in my mouth a little at the description of Pippa walking past in the museum.

Did we just describe a 12-year-old girl's arms as marble? is that what just happened? did I just have to listen to that?

Theo has given me a lot of like “Golden State killer” vibes right now with his desire to poke around through all these people's homes and stuff. like this is clearly the Visalia ransacker's motivation in the 70s. I know too much about true crime, that's what's happening right now.

The true-crime serial killer alarms keep going off in my brain.

I know Tara already mentioned how ridiculous the Murphys bed story is but it really is incredibly ridiculous and breaks the tension of the entire scene that is occurring at the time (laughed uncontrollably to the point that Siri typed nonsense)

I get it, Donna, you know things. You do not have list every fire truck to prove it.

Let's take a child to a dinner at 3 am. Really Donna?

Why does Donna insist on giving me the text of signs around whats going on? Why did I just listen to the smoothie specials while an emotional scene is occurring?

Donna, did you just call Mrs. Barough a weasel?  [afronted gasp]

OI!  (me shouting when Donna says that Andy was weird for being lactose intolerant.)

Pukes in my mouth a little at the term 'high verbal'. I get it, Donna, you think you are smarter than all of us stop being a dick.

Donna Tartt would make it to r/iamverysmart in like a minute if she understood how the internet worked.

WHO TAUGHT HER ABOUT FMA?

Okay, so either Donna Tartt knows someone who lost a parent and basing this off them or like went through it herself because I am white-knuckling through the grief bits trying not to have my own trauma response to the situation. Or she wrote Theo with like the exact grief I had. Her incessant need to list things in a room is the only thing between me and a spiral of remembering my dad's death.

ANDY IS A RAY OF LIGHT AND DOES NOT DESERVE TO BE IN THIS FAMILY OR IN THIS BOOK!

Five whole hours before the first sight of Hobie. Like Jesus.

I miss Terry Pratchett.

Hobie thank you for making this book interesting again.

Hobie is now my main squeeze and I won't hear a word against him.

POE DIDN'T INVENT SCIENCE FICTION FUCKING MARY SHELLY DID. DONNA WHAT THE FUCK.

The Hobie part of the story just makes me more sure that a version of the movie should have been without the Baroughers (sp?) and only included Hobie and Pippa.

Any is a murderino. I love this baby boy.

Aw, I love Hobie so so much.

Donna if you call Andy annoying one more time you are gonna catch my hands. (She just referred to his voice as annoying twice in a conversation and I swear to god I will rip this character out of her snobbish clutches she doesn't deserve him.)

Theo on this we agree, I too enjoy Hobie.

Hobie is the only person who belongs in this novel and he's a god damn delight.

SEVEN HOURS AND THE PAINTING HAS COME UP AGAIN FOR THE FIRST TIME IN LITERAL HOURS.

Theo straight up using Spanish to fuck over his father is just *chef's kiss.

I can see how much contempt Donna has for Xandra is longer and deeper than this book will ever be.

I am going to suplex Larry Decker I swear to god. (i have a very particular trigger to spouses bad-mouthing the dead one due to personal experience.)

Necco wafers are no one's favorite candy Donna. You can't just say shit like that and expect anyone to believe you.

I have just realized that Donna Tartt has never been to a public library. How do I know? Witchcraft books are never on the shelves. Ask any librarian. They are stolen pretty much the moment we buy them.

I am standing dead in the tea aisle at the store because Theo just thought it would be “gay” to tell the doormen he has known almost his whole life he is gonna miss them.  (hours later I realize this is her backtracking in edits going "shit shit shit I have to add the repression in somewhere for those dumb readers that don't understand art" and I hate it more.)

Mrs. B is ready to physically fight Larry and I would pay real money to see it.

WHY DOES DONNA KNOW ABOUT DRAGON BALL Z?!? Step away from the things I love Donna I don't trust you near my media. (Also why she does reference it she clearly has NO concept of what DBZ hair would even look like to expect me to believe any child could achieve it.)

oh my god, Boris. I'm so happy to see you.

I am happy to report the audiobook narrator does not do an Australian accent for Boris. Thank the lord.

I knew I was going to love Boris but like a few minutes in I adore him.

It's interesting to me that Theo and Boris seem to have received similar amounts of attention/affection from non-parent adults, but while Theo finds it uncomfortable Boris soaks it in.

The Australian part of Boris's accent seems impossible.

*sobbing audibly into my keyboard* Popchyck

Boris you sweet like socialist.

Comrade Boris we need you in this election.

I'm sad he (Boris) doesn't get to go to college and like piss off every yuppie and hippie, and just make Philosophy 100 and Government 250 absolute hell for everyone.

Drunk Boris at Thanksgiving is a gift.

Me listening to this book before Boris: half paying attention, fucking around on my computer, doing chores. Me after Boris shows up: staring at the middle distance determined to listen to every fucking word because this prison sentence of a novel is finally interesting.

James: you said the author is a snob and you aren't enjoying the main character.  Me: yeah James: then stop reading it. Me: No, then Donna and her Anna Wintour knock off hair cut will win. James, frowning and backing out of the room: k sweetie.

6:30 am is too early to hear Theo Decker describe his bed as "our bed"

I WAS RIGHT. Boris belongs in college making every American white kid absolutely furious in every Poli-sci.

Larry Decker calling Theo and Boris his "kids" made my heart skip a beat.

So the nurse notices they don't have vitamins and smell but doesn't call child services. I mean I know that I learned that school nurses are less likely to call CFS on white kids than they are on black kids but like god damn.

The sheer salt of Theo refusing to learn the name of Boris’s girlfriend is so hilarious.

Now *this* is gay.

The truth is Theo is ready to cut a bitch.

Fellas is it gay to do shots while your boyfriend talks about his girlfriend?

Theo trying to set up Boris with like a nice polite girl who won't fuck him is fucking hilarious. This poor baby gay.

Theo (and Donna cuz she writes him) have never heard of learning disabilities and I will legit throw down.

LARRY IS A SCORPIO IN CANON?! I thought that was something from the fan fics. omg Ally hates this.

No one wears white sport coats Donna stop trying to make it happen.

Boris totally knows what's going on with Larry and he's just trying to look out for Theo because he loves Theo but oh my gosh Boris why do you make me feel so many feelings!

Please, Donna, I am begging you to stop telling me what the light from the sun looks like at different times of the day. I just can't take it anymore. Every scene of Theo in Xandra's house does not need the qualifier of what type of sunlight he is seeing. Some times fine. But every time?

My entire stomach just dropped when I realized what Boris has done, and I'm just I'm so sad. this is not how I wanna start my commute to work today.

I have just had my first moments of being very proud of Donna's writing, because long long time ago, in the same chapter, she had the bit about how Xandra will say "apparently" when she's being bitchy with Theo and now in a conversation where Theo isn't paying attention to her she says "apparently" to Larry and I just had to stop and say this, this is the writing I'm looking for Donna. This is clever and interesting and I LIKED IT. Stop making lists and do more of this.

Friendship ended with Book Boris, Movie Boris is my best friend now.

I don't understand how the director and the screenwriter of the film could move who said those lines and then not make it gay. Like, commit to your choice.

My mom: You finish that book yet? Me, angrily: No. My mom slightly worried: do you like it? Me: unclear.

NEW CHAPTER!

Theo, I need you calm all the way down when you are looking at Pippa.

Love this lawyer. I want to be his friend.

God poor Pippa. All the shit she goes through and she still has to put up with Theo's weird obsession.

Theo, you slid right back into the serial killer habits in a second and I want you to stop it.

Oh god, I feel that in my soul. Like "no sir you have it wrong I look more like the parent I like best." (also I do look more like my dad. like way more like him)

I am begging someone to get Theo some kind of hobby or help or something so he stops acting like a victorian ghost.

I am gonna have to get the actual book so I can see what weird spelling is going on with the text messages. I just know its weird. The narrator does it in such a weird voice.

We spent so much time dealing with emotional issues and other whatnot that going back to the bit about the painting feels like a huge tonal shift in the book. I'm like staggering around confused.

Literally no one uses strawberry shampoo.

Love that Theo ‘s final plan is the one Andy purposed an eon ago.

Salty that Theo is getting the cool college experience that Boris would have crushed.  I would have paid good money to watch him make the philosophy department cry.

[kermit in the car gif]

Yo! Theo struggling to deal with school is like exactly my semester after my dad died.  

The adults attempting to force him into different living arrangements is so what we dealt with post my dad’s death.

Grisha! (Russians the only people I trust atm)

Tara was right, Andy's death comes off like a joke!

I gotta say, Crime Theo is my favorite Theo so far.

I don't know which serial killer Donna was channeling to write the parts about Theo being obsessed with Pippa, but it is just so intensely a serial killer vibe I cannot even begin to describe the look on my face; the feelings I'm having. I'm just like this man is going to kill someone. he's going to kill a lot of people. not only that it's going to be a lot of women because he doesn't view them as people. that's what I'm getting from this it's. Theo doesn't think women are people.

If Theo was on reddit he would be part of r/niceguys and r/iamverysmart.

If I have to listen to him drone on about his fantasies of Pippa for one more minute I will kill myself in the baking aisle of Aldis.

HES HOARDING HER HAIR?! HER UNWASHED CLOTHES?!? Please someone put him in jail.

[the sound of me throwing up in the frozen food section as Theo describes Kitsey]

Donna don’t try to act like you didn’t add that foreshadowing yourself about Andy. You crack me up you relentlessly snob.

How is Theo just The Worst all the time?

Theo freaking out because two gay guys know what’s up with him is just *chef’s kiss

Me having seen only the movie: Theo and Boris should get redemption and a romance run away. Me now: [ gif of “Ive had enough of this guy” from IASIP]

I mean I understand that John Crawley was a coward in so many of his directorial choices, but the fact that he didn't put the second meeting of Theo and this Lucius guy into a crowded weird restaurant where they're both getting hit by the waiters as they go past is just the weakest move you could've made. because this makes it so much funnier.

I'm with Hobie.

honestly this book should've just been 20 hours of art crime and like to shave off a good 10 hours of LISTS because that's what 10 hours is. give me 20 hours of art crime. I would love to watch each sale happen that would've been riveting to read but instead.... this.

Bish, you like those earrings or I will cut you.

Theo salty, while Kitsey picks out new china, is so fucking hilarious.

him just like "why are we buying new plates when my job is literally to find plates that were made by craftsmen?!?!” but being too fucking repressed in his bullshit to say anything, so he just making some poor sales lady suffer.

my friend Ally: “Theo’s repression makes everyone suffer is a good summary of the book.”

Alternative version of this book that would have been 8 million times better: Theo gets into art crimes but is also a serial killer. We don't know the second bit but it begins to start dawning on us as women seem to disappear from his social circles and weird hints of thoughts about blood and rivers.  Bonus points if it ends with him on the run from the law with his only vaguely criminal (by comparison to serial killer Theo) boyfriend. We are left to wonder if they will be gunned down in the chase or if perhaps there will be one more body to great the river.

Theo's textbook serial killer nonsense is only comparable to the sheer petty gay energy he gives off.

The power trip he gets from being like "hahaha yes I have bagged the ice princess who wanted nothing to do with me when we were kids" is just so gross and hilarious.

Theo realizing he is not the only sociopath in the room is just *chef's kiss.

Boris, did you really send some guy to just watch your ex?

Boris, I am begging you. You have made Grisha so upset.

Donna shying away from describing Boris comes off, if you don't know who we are talking about, as weird and slightly racist.

You have the internet Theo, you can look up when movies are going to start. You are not living on the moors.

HOW IS THIS BOOK NOT A SATIRE OF AMERICAN PYSCHO FOR PEOPLE THAT HAVE BONERS FOR ANTIQUES?!?

Boris returns. I have almost forgiven him for what he put me through.

Maybe "fuck you" can be our always.

*tries not to cry when I realize that Boris' friends have heard about Theo

bless Aneurin for everything he did for this reunion in the movie.

Why is Boris such a slut? Why will I forgive him for anything?

Is it gay to think about the guy you used to jack off as handsome when you meet each other again?

Genetics means those kids can't be Boris' unless his mother was blonde. (Theo kind of agrees.)

My soul has left my body at the concept of Boris having a wife and kids.

I'm not saying I endorse crime, I'm just saying a mobster front with a pun in the name is really on-brand for me.

Knowing what I Know. That Boris thinks Theo is gonna try to kill him when they go for the "surprise" just makes the whole thing so tragic and sad.

Boris and his dog REUNITED AT LAST. I'm not crying. I'm fine.

Interesting that the next story we hear is about Gyuri's dead "brother" right after Boris says that Theo is "blood of his heart, his brother". Like. I might not be the biggest history buff in the world but I know gay code when I see it.

I mean I knew this was gonna happen, but I can't help but feel personally betrayed by Boris once again.

Donna, stay away from stuff about computers. Your attempts to use them make me, a technology expert, cringe.

Boris like "you don't deserve this dog. I deserve this dog."

"Babe I get that you are a WASP at heart but I need you to fight with me like a Russian now." - Boris to his disaster husband

"Did I lie?" "YES" (me laughing so hard I'm practically crying)

why does no one in this book appear to exchange numbers or like airdrop contact info.

Does Donna think that people only have iPhones?

Ally who is CTRL F reading this book "'Every few hundred pages she's like 'oh yeah, it's modern times...they're texting and there's emojis!' Seriously, there was the mention of emoji's and my soul escaped my body for a minute because it had no tether to time or space" @aces-low​

Off the top of my head, the name that Donna is not saying for this Horace to guy is Volkswagen.

Instead of being in the mob Boris should run an animal shelter.

Boris being Bitchy and jelly when Theo is talking to the German guy is just so cute. You two deserve each other with your weird shit.

If Donna wasn't a coward this book would have had Theo just getting eyeballs deep in art crime with Boris and his associates.

Adding a sin for making me listen to whatever that just was.

Things Donna forgot to list in "girl food": chicken wings, bread, rolls, other types of bread, garlic bread, a bit more bread, maybe cookies, eight more cookies, 20 more cookies, every type of chocolate humanly imaginable, jam, and barbecue ribs.

What do ankles have to do with being attractive?!?!?! this isn't the Victorian age! 

(from Ally re this comment: “I'm now convinced that every day Donna sat down to write this book she spun a wheel with different years on it, and that's the year the book was set that day”)

I didn't mind Kitsey cheating on Theo, because he doesn't even really like her. Until just now, when I realized that Mrs. B knows about it and she's keeping it from Theo, and my heart broke into 1 trillion pieces. she is the closest thing he has to a mother and he realized that she kept it from him, and I should not be crying in my car before my special Valentine night dinner.

James just walked in during a part describing Pippa and goes "Men writing women, huh?" and I had to pause the book, turn to him and say "a woman wrote this" and he just looks at me like 0_0

Mrs. B clutching Theo's hand so he won't leave her alone with Smalltalk-old-man is honestly the cutest thing in this entire book.

Hobie being able to be spotted from a distance at all times! I have a friend who is 6'5" and we can find him in crowds so easily!

Perhaps the funniest moment of this book is Theo saying "if girls loved assholes then Pippa would love me". buddy I'm going to post this entire book to r/niceguys

I WANT MORE ART CRIME! Why did you make me listen to 15 hours of boring nonsense when we could have had ART CRIME!

I deeply enjoy Boris's commitment to being a dramatic goofball, falling to his knees just be annoying.

Movie Boris appears in a dramatic way. Book Boris is just like there and also shoving food in his face and walking out of the party still eating all the food he just put in his cheeks like a chipmunk.

Hobie just like "if you want to run off with your gay love i'll cover."

Theodor Decker you get back in there and make sure that thief stays away from Nicole Kidman she has been through enough already!

Theo, I know that you don't actually have brains for anything besides drugs, crimes, being weird about women, and your own ass, but you could at least listen when people speak.

Theo is such a mess. He doesn't belong in modern times. He deserves to be Jack the Ripper.

I know the narrator is saying croissant the "correct" way. But every single time it happens I'm so fucking confused because who just leans into a french accent that hard for a single word?

Theo offers an actual good idea that Boris is going to use later and they all look at him like he's crazy.

I know "my brand" is "man holding gun" but listening to Boris assemble a gun I'm like "oh goodness I need to lay down". *fans self

Theo suddenly "I have made a huge mistake"

It's interesting to me how reluctant Boris is to make Theo a larger part of the heist. Theo reads it as frustrating but I read it like a kind of care and affection. He doesn't want his friend mixed up in something he can't handle, despite the fact that he wants Theo close so he can get him the painting back.

I see now why the heist in the movie was so fucking confusing. You need the Horst stuff and like a bunch of other nonsense that does not translate well to screen unless you re-write all the connections, which John Crowley was not willing to do.

Really love the "women drop their mark the first time" bit.

me: Theo I swear to god stop being high and sick in your room and go get some actual clothes and medication or at least don't make me listen to so much of it

this book is not 30 hours long. its 15 hours of a book and 15 hours of Donna going "gotta get that word count up or people with think I'm weak". Please, Donna. I don't need to hear this one thing happen for so long. It adds nothing to the tone, the themes, the plot, or the ambiance. You are just writing words for words sake.

The first suicide note was so well crafted that I honestly want Theo to kill himself now. If he can manage to write the others pretty okay I will be happy with this ending.

Don’t think I didn’t notice that the ghost of a dead loved one appeared on Christmas Eve.

I'm sorry who doesn't respond to "didn't you get my text?" with "my phone was dead" instantly?

me listening to Theo throw a tantrum at Boris because neither of them is capable of explaining themselves and like speaking as normal humans do: "It would have been better if Theo died"

Why must I be forced to listen to Donna make these scenes longer because these people don't talk like people?

Thud by Terry Pratchett does a much much better job of asking the question "can we trust our hearts and be the person we want to be?" And it honestly gives a better answer. And has you know, clever writing.

I thought it was like Over. I did. I was like "oh this is it wrapping up" ONLY THERE IS 30 MORE MINUTES AND I WANT TO SCREAM!

Me certain the book is over: i mean maybe this is a good ending

Me seeing i still have 30 more minutes: this is the worst book ever

This book held me fucking captive for over a week and all it left me with was like a few good lines, burning hatred for the main character, and the desire to go into Donna's home and rearrange all her stuff. 

also, I now hate antiques. out of spite.

don't read The Goldfinch. it's not worth it y’all.    

[toast-the-unknowing]

26 WIP?!?! How?!?! No, seriously, what's your writing process like? Genuinely SO curious? Do you use any apps? Special playlists? Mood lighting? Snack game? Sacrificial rituals? Please share all your secrets!

I wish I had a good answer for you for how I got to a place where 26 WIPs is the low end of the spectrum but I have always been better at coming up with ideas than at finishing them and the sad truth is that my start-to-finish ratio in TRC is the best it has ever been in any fandom.

If you want to hear me ramble about my writing process that’s going behind the cut.

I do nearly all of my writing on Writer. I switch on a regular basis between two different laptops and my desktop and my work computer, plus occasionally needing to access someone else’s computer, so I need something internet based, and I need that something to not be Google Docs. I don't like Google Docs for many reasons, mainly that it’s sooooo sloooooow to load (I’ve been using it lately for a collaborative project and man is it reminding me how annoying it is), but the main thing is just that I'm paranoid I'll somehow accidentally share my gay porn with everyone in my google contacts, such as former teachers from Catholic high school, or my mother. So even if that's not likely I really want a website where that's not POSSIBLE.

Writer is incredibly stripped down, but that’s a plus for me. I can't waste time picking fonts or editing the formatting or inserting page breaks or doing anything. There's maybe a few things about it that I wish were a tiny bit more robust (better document organization would be nice) but for my purposes it works great. I have a pro account because I use it enough I figure they deserve the five bucks a month, and also because if I accidentally overwrite a document (happens sometimes if I have the same document open on two computers and there's sync issues), I can pull up a history of the previous versions and sort that shit out.

I mostly have one document per fic (if I’m working on a bunch of prompts those will all be compiled in one document until they start getting long enough to deserve their own file; I also have a file of things that may or may not become new stories in the LA verse). Files are titled with the fandom name and fic name, or just ALL CAPS BASIC DESCRIPTOR if I don’t have a title yet. These days most of my shit is TRC so the fandom name may be superfluous, but who knows when I will want to write in other fandoms again. I also keep a list in Writer of current WIPs, which I update every couple of months or so. Sometimes in updating that list I have a hard honest conversation with myself about whether I am actually WORKING on all of these works-in-progress and, if not, whether I think I ever will. If necessary I take it off the list and copy that fic into my junk drawer file, where I keep fics I've abandoned and fic ideas I haven't fleshed out and also just one sentence notes like IDK WHAT ABOUT A RUSSIAN COSMONAUT DOG AU.

Lately I do a lot of my writing during my commute; I load up a document on my laptop and switch the wifi off before I leave home/work, and then I can write as much or as little on the bus as I feel able to. I am also That Bitch who takes her laptop and writes at coffee shops and bars (or the library, but that feels less pretentious).

While I’m writing on the bus (or while alt-tabbing at work) I'm generally listening to music, because I generally have music playing anyway. If I'm just at home I don't generally put music on; I do get distracted a lot by my roommate watching tv, even if it's something I'm not interested in, so maybe I should play my own music, but it’s not a habit I’m into. I can sometimes focus better if I have a word war with someone (basically message each other we’re going to write, write for 15/20 minutes, and then talk about how it went/share any really good lines that were written). I am not in the habit of making special playlists either for writing in general or for specific projects, although I might have a song or two that I associate strongly with a long term project and might listen to to get in the mood. 

I have always had lots of projects going on at the same time, which has in the past hampered my ability to finish anything, because I jump from project to project without finishing anything. On the other hand, grimly clinging to one project and not starting anything new sucks the fun out of writing and makes me feel less creative. I’ve gotten better at balancing those impulses; my current system is that I have one or two fics that are the Designated Top Priority, but I let myself get distracted when I feel like working on a different WIP or starting a new project or just banging out a short fic quickly. (Although there have been numerous times that I have thought “I’ll put everything on hold to write this one really fast dumb fic, it’ll just take a day, maybe two” and then it takes a week or more.) If I find that I haven't worked on the "top priority" in a couple of weeks then I ask if that's still really the top priority, and if I’m not feeling inspired and there’s not some reason that it HAS to be first (e.g. it's for an exchange or there's a deadline coming up), then I’ll usually pick a different one to focus on. After finishing something I’ve worked on for a LONG time it can be really hard to pick the new top priority, so I usually give myself a window of time to just fuck around, but that usually leads eventually to a point where I just open my WIPs, read them, and close them without working on them at all, which is a sign I need to focus back in. Things like noticing those signs and being able to act on them is really the biggest improvement to my writing process in the last decade.

[devoutbrother]

🔥

💊 ❀ ✿ ❦ . HANNAH’S FAVORITE MEME  |  accepting ( preferably w/ given opinion )

( something that really grinds my gears is when people have dash-only themes. it’s a new trend that really fucking pisses me off. admittedly, part of it comes from the hypocrisy tumblr has about it. i remember when those fuckers came out -- everyone was extremely pissed off because they were afraid they would never be able to check their profile ever again. not to mention they didn’t want to have to take two or three extra steps to click on a url, click it again, and THEN get to the theme / profile. people tried really hard to encourage the xkit people to fix it, and tons of people got on tumblr hq about it and it was generally disliked.

but what are people doing now? using dash-only blogs and it pisses me off so much. though the hypocrisy is just me being on tumblr for a long time, it also makes me angry because people hardly, if ever, put their links on their page. they’re posts and you have to scroll for ages to find it, lagging you computer because this app’s website widget is fucking your cpu backwards, which is annoying. i don’t want to have to run through fifty posts to just see that your rules are the basic-ass bitch ones that anyone has on their rules page.

also, do you ever notice that these blogs never have about pages? they have their aesthetic descriptions that are usually quotes that the character says or related to them in some way with hardly anything else. maybe a short explanation that says something like: “independent [character] blog. single/multiship. semi-selective/highly selective. dash-only.”

but when they DO have the links, it takes you to a fucking google document! A FUCKING GOOGLE DOCUMENT. i shouldn’t have to clutter my personal files with someone’s rules or about page that i’m probably only gonna look at once because i’ll learn more about the character via plotting, all because people don’t want to go through the work of editing code or just making a theme. sure, the mobile edits may or may not look dashing and rather appealing. the effort is amazing, but the effort shouldn’t be shoved into that one aesthetic and quickly scrambled everywhere else.

this is why i refuse to follow dash-only blogs. )

[kybee1497]

I’ve read fanfic long before I started writing it so believe me I get that it sucks when you can’t find what you want or when updates are sporadic and you just want to know what happens next.

I’ve been writing fic for almost a year at this point and I’m at almost 200k on ao3 which is... so many words Jfc.

Reading a 5k chapter takes me... maybe 20 minutes. 30 minutes if I want to ✨savor✨ it. But what about writing that same 5k.

Let’s break this down shall we. I’m going on my own personal experience and ability and averaging it out. Sometimes I can write 3k in one day and sometimes I cant write anything for weeks on end because even looking at a wip doc makes me want to scream. Creativity and writing energy comes in waves, babes. It’s not reliable or predictable.

On average, I write about 1k in an hour-ish. Now I can’t speed write in sprints and do like 1k in 45-ish minutes but again that’s not sustainable.

So at 1k an hour, that 5k chapter would take me at least 5 hours to write. That’s at least five (5) hours to get words on the page.

Now editing. I like to edit as I go and I rewrite stuff a lot because I’m an indecisive bitch full of self doubt. It’s the ADHD/anxiety/impostor syndrome combo, it’s fine. I usually try to read back through the section/chapter/fic every time I come back to it to make sure I have a fresh memory and any new words match the tone/vibe/etc. So the bulk of the editing is done as I go. Let’s call this about 1 hour, maybe 1.5 hours to read back through and edit this 5k. We’re now at 6.5 hours

Then it goes to my beta. Usually a 5k chapter takes at least an hour to beta read, checking for grammar, flow, characterization, etc. both for my betas and Fics I beta for. So I’ll budget about 1.5 hours We’re now at 8 hours of work time. This doesn’t include the time in between sending the fic to beta and them being able to look at it. Betas have different schedules and their own lives. This can be anywhere from minutes to days.

I still read back over a fic or chapter before posting to check for any final things I want to fix. When I finished writing and editing ballgowns, it was almost 22k. It took me over 3 hours to read back through and make any last changes because I’m not just reading it as I would as a reader, I’m slowly making sure things work and stopping to fix here and there. So let’s say another 30-45 min for that 5k chapter and we’re now at about 8.5 hours for this chapter.

Next is posting on ao3 which isn’t really fast. You have to plug in all the little categories, write out tags, find the summary snippet if you haven’t already (or write the summary which is hard) and copy paste. Then you have to copy and paste the fic from the doc to ao3. Maybe it’s just my computer but highlighting 5-10 pages in docs takes a hot minute. It’s slightly faster in the app. Then is any final formatting in the fic itself before posting. This whole process can take anywhere from 5-30 minutes depending on how detailed you need to be. We’re now at 9 hours.

Do you make Moodboards for your fics? I do. Moodboards can be anywhere from 10-15 minutes to 1-2 hours. Sometimes they’re easy and sometimes I want to rip it to pieces and then cry. It’s a toss up. Shorter oneshots are usually faster. Longer fics need more thought put into the Moodboards. This one took 10 minutes. This one took... god knows how long. It’s a process. Let’s call that 10 hours.

Do you post ao3 links on tumblr? I do. Make the post, copy and paste the description over, add the link. Less than 5 minutes. Do you have a taglist? I do. Is tumblr being a bitch that day? Usually. Taglists can be a 2 min activity or a 10 minute activity. We’re now at 15 minutes. Don’t forget to add enough tags on the post so you can track it and it gets shown in the right searches. We’re now at 10.4 hours.

That’s 10.4 hours for a 5k chapter or one shot. (Roughy 2 hours for every 1k) Ten and a half hours of unpaid labor. And yeah it’s fun. I really really love writing fic and interacting with readers but it’s not easy and it’s time consuming. I work just short of full time. I have a dog who needs time and attention from me. I have my own needs and I have family who need time. There’s only so much time in the day and creativity doesn’t come on command. There are so many nights that I get everything done and I’m so excited to sit down and write and I open the doc and nothing comes out. It happens.

On average I have less than an hour a day that I can write. With the math above, it would take me 10 day’s to produce a new 5k chapter. Assuming that I could sit down and be creative on cue for the entire time and not have it be absolute garbage. This doesn’t include the time it takes to come up with ideas, or any research or outlining time. Or time spent getting stuck in a corner with a multi chap Fic.

What about any feedback? Yes, it’s important to write for yourself, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t suck to spend time, energy, and passion on something and then get crickets in return. Or someone who only demands more, and that’s a thing for another day.

Let’s look at some stats shall we.

The most read one shot (go read it, it’s amazing! Don’t forget to comment and kudos people) the julie and the phantoms fandom has a total of 11,529 hits, 1,733 kudos, and 215 comments. Only 15% of readers took 2 seconds to hit the kudos button. Now, maybe they didn’t like it? Valid, but not enough to make up for such a low %. Now I know that ao3 only lets people kudos a fic once, that’s also valid. But I sincerely doubt that 85% or readers either A) didn’t like it or B) are reading it again and have already left a kudos. Kudos are just a quick way of showing an author you liked what they read. It’s super fast for you and while appreciated it doesn’t tell us what you liked. What made you laugh or cry? Was anything surprising? Kudos are absolutely appreciated but they don’t give us any feedback for what we should keep doing or validation but again that’s a problem for another day. Less than 1% of the 11,529 people who read this fic, left comments. 215 is 1.8% of 11,529 and almost half of them were author replies to comments. This fic is 7k, which is safe to say took AROUND 14 hours (not claiming this as fact. I am not this author and I don’t know their process/writing speed). 14 hours and less than 1% of readers left feedback.

Let’s hop over to Marvel. The most read one-shot is the groot crack fic. It’s also the most read fic on ao3 at 899,873 hits, 108,233 kudos, and 3,309 comments. (Admittedly the crack component may slightly skew the results but not a huge amount.) but we’re at 12% of readers hitting the kudos button. And 0.3% of readers leaving a comment. Most of these are reader comments. (This fic is all “I am groot” so I’m not factoring in time.)

Next up is supernatural. The most read one shot is clocked in at 424,627 hits, 16,142 kudos, and 638 comments. Y’all know the drill. 3.8% of readers took a second to hit the kudos button. 0.1% of readers left a comment. This fic is 15k so let’s say 30 hours start to finish, for 0.1% of readers to leave feedback.

So yeah, writing fic is time consuming. It’s a hobby, a fun hobby, but still a hobby that writers aren’t paid for. So sometimes it takes a while. Sometimes we doubt our skill, or talent, or ability, or we just don’t have the creative energy. So long waits for updates suck but it happens. In the meantime, maybe reread it? Maybe leave a comment or kudos if you haven’t already. And hey drop a comment again. Nothing like kind words or a simple “I really loved this.” Or “I just reread this and I’m excited for what happens next.” To boost confidence or make me want to write more. Though please for the love of god don’t leave the “when are you going to update this?” Or “update please!!” It’s not encouraging, kind, or helpful. I assure you I’m well aware of how long it’s been. Further more, I’m a spite fueled human. ��

In conclusion, tip your local fanfic writer and be kind.

Thank you for coming to my ted talk.

And if you vibe with Julie and the Phantoms, you can find my fic here 💜

#fanficproblems

[alphawave-writes]

Spray and Pray: prologue

Anastasia Bloodworth is a socialite focused on partying and improving her reputation amongst her upper-class friends, which is why when her husband John is found dead-cause: accidental autoerotic asphyxiation-she brings it upon herself to investigate his death and save herself from the shame. With the help of a private detective, Sirius Li, they delve deep into the mystery  of John's death, encountering along the way a criminal empire, migraine sprays, and a secret plot that could bring the end of the world as we know it. Will Anastasia and Sirius discover the cause of John's death, or will the forces against them stop them from discovering the truth?

Read it at wattpad and AO3.

Hey guys, this is my first original story. If you like murder-mystery-comedy-romances, this is the story for you. If you like the story and have a wattpad account, maybe also leave a comment or a vote? Thanks

Anastasia Bloodworth might have been a little drunk. On the scale of drunkenness—1 being ‘just a sip’ and 10 being ‘dead’—she was somewhere around a 4: unfit for driving but still lucid. Just tipsy enough for the bubbles to settle comfortably in her veins and spread their warm sunlight throughout her body. Anastasia was by every definition a social drinker, which meant that she had the common sense to call an Uber to and from the party venue unlike her more alcoholic friends, who relied on their husbands to chauffeur them around like they were the second coming of Princess Diana.

Her Uber driver, an older Caucasian man who was trying to get a glimpse of the more prominent aspects of Anastasia’s body with his pitifully tiny mirrors, rolled his Toyota to a stop in front of her mansion. She exited swiftly and produced her phone. His eyes take their time travelling up from her body to the mansion behind her, and then to the gem-covered jelly phone case. He rolled the window down and fished around his pockets for his phone.

“It’s 16 bucks, 60 cents, roight?” he drawled.

“Yes,” she said in a perfectly American accent. “16 dollars and 60 cents.”

He blinked rapidly. The automatic lights for the front yard had finally flickered on, illuminating her silhouette in a cold blue-white glow. He saw the dark ebony of her skin and let out a silent “oh” in realization. Anastasia sighed internally. He probably thought she was an aboriginal woman. This wouldn’t be the first time someone had made that assumption.

He tapped something in his phone, humming to himself a tuneless tune. The money was transferred. Transaction complete. Anastasia was about to walk away when the driver called out to her.

“Hey, madam, before you go, gonna give you a little something.”

Before she could open her mouth, the Uber driver grabbed her hand and placed a cheap, thin card on her palm. It had the driver’s name and number on it, as well as a picture of his face. The photo was either taken years ago (not likely) or was heavily edited (more likely) because the man in front of her and the man on the card looked like two different people. She looked up to see the man, apparently named “Luke” according to his ill-made card, wink at her surreptitiously.

Anastasia grimaced at his thinly veiled attempts of flirting. Ignorant of the face she was making, or perhaps because he was as blind as he was ugly, the driver smiled widely.

“Call me on my number next time and I’ll take you anywhere for free, beautiful.”

He gave another ill-suited wink. Anastasia nodded stiffly and opened the gates as the driver pulled the old Toyota out of park and drove quietly through the streets. When she’s sure he was gone, she opened up her phone.

For a second, she thought about Uber and its practice of letting employees live and die by the reviews they received. Anastasia was pretty sure it was the plot of some depressing sci-fi show she watched once and completely forgot about until now. She wondered about her creepy driver and ruminated about the circumstances that led to him becoming an Uber driver. Perhaps he was desperate for cash. Perhaps this was the only job he could do, a pitiful cab job at minimum wage in his clean but old car in the Applecross suburbs.

Anastasia felt a small pang of pity, and perhaps compassion, for this Uber driver. His career could very well be in the palm of her hands. With one review, she could make or break his career.

She opened up the Uber app and gave a 2-star review.

Car’s clean, drive was fine, but the driver is a creep. AVOID THIS GUY

She put her phone back into her purse, walked the far-too-many steps to the front door, and stepped inside.

The first thing she noticed was how dark it was. At least the street had the excuse of being dark because the council didn’t want to install too many lights to ‘disturb the wildlife’, whatever that meant. It was barely past 11pm and she was sure her husband should be up. She fumbled around the right wall for the light switches, flicking them all on with a swipe of her hand. She squinted at the sudden assault of bright light on her eyes.

“Joooohn, I’m hooome.”

No response. Anastasia just shook her head lightly, sat down at the staircase and took off her beautiful fake Prada heels. She admired the shoes as the fake stones glitter and glisten in the light before chucking them in a corner with the rest of her shoes. They’ll be fine, she thought. She’ll sort the mess out tomorrow.

“John?” Anastasia called. “I’m back early! John?”

Still no response. That was weird. John couldn’t be out. There was nothing to do in Perth at this time of night except sleep, drink, party, and have sex. John wasn’t a fan of any of those four things.

A small part of her, confined to a tiny corner of her mind, was concerned for her husband’s lack of response but she was just tipsy enough to not care. The Anastasia of tomorrow could deal with that crap. With that out of the way, she crawled up the staircase, retreated into her bedroom’s en-suite bathroom and got a well-earned shower.

As the water poured over her head and shoulders, Anastasia felt her body groan in exhaustion. It was only yesterday that she got invited to go partying at Rachel’s house in Waterford. As always, the people present exceeded the house’s generous capacity, and she had to do a lot of shoving and pushing just to get into the next room. As one of the hostess’s bestie, Anastasia had the 'honour' of talking to every single guest, half of which were over the blood alcohol limit long before they even arrived at the party. It was a mess, but that was how the girls liked it. Anastasia never had fun playing the mom friend but she reached her limit when Rachel began doing random body shots with men ten years her junior all while her husband was gaping in the next room. Anastasia made the prompt decision to bolt out of there, using her dear husband John as an excuse, before quickly calling an Uber home. She didn’t want to be there for the ensuing argument and she definitely didn’t want to be there to comfort Rachel for something she rightfully brought upon herself (again).

She exited the bedroom in her ugly but comfortable pyjamas when she spied light spilling out of the door to John’s bedroom. Slanted rectangles of white dyed the Italian stone tiles and Persian-style rug with an ethereal glow.

“John?” She called again. Still no response.

The niggling tendrils of doubt and worry creep into her mind. It was perfectly normal for John to spend all night working in his bedroom but he always had the decency to respond on at least the third attempt. Her brain conjured pictures of burglars and thieves, of John cowering in the corner while one balaclava-clad burglar bunged him on the head with a baton.

She laughed nervously to herself. “I’m just imagining things,” she stared at the light filtering out of John’s room, “…aren’t I?”

A peek into his bedroom would be alright, right? They were husband and wife after all. Marriage gave you the right to snoop on your partner, she convinced herself, that was why it was invented. She stared through the keyhole. She expected a pristine and clean tidy bedroom with John typing away on his computer in the corner wearing headphones, ignorant of the scolding he will soon get.

Instead, the bedroom was in complete disarray, with furniture toppled over and random objects strewn across the carpeted floor. Something went past the keyhole, blocking the light for a second. It looked remarkably like a man’s hairy arm.

Anastasia stepped back, holding her hand over her mouth to hide a gasp. OK, there’s burglars. Fuck fuck fuck, what do I do? She couldn’t fight them off, could she? She had no training in the martial arts, not unless those Jackie Chan films count. She scanned the hallway, looking for a weapon and her eyes catch on a bag on the floor. She quickly checked inside. It’s John’s, and it had a whole bunch of papers in them, which made it heavy. Did a bag count as a weapon? Anastasia didn’t know but she grabbed it as silently as she could. Her free hand went onto the door handle and turned, but it didn't open. It wasn’t locked, but no matter how hard she pushed, the door would not budge. It was almost as if someone had blockaded the door.

She briefly wondered about any alternative entry points into John’s bedroom. It was on the second floor with its own en-suite bathroom and no other connecting rooms, so unless Anastasia felt like scaling the walls from the outside, she was going to have to break the door down. There was no way Anastasia was going to risk her nails for her husband. A bruised shoulder would be less expensive than a chipped nail.

She braced herself, knowing it was going to hurt, and shoved her body at the door. The first two times did nothing, but on the third time, she was able to force her way through, nearly stumbling to the other side of the room as the door hit the wall with a whack.

“F-freeze, bitches,” she yelled, raising her bag threateningly, only to find that there was no one there. No burglars, no would-be murderers. No John.

With knitted brows, she looked at the messy bedroom. There was no way there hadn’t been a struggle here. John’s pharmacology textbooks had been thrown to the ground, the vase at his deck lying in pieces on the floor. Maybe John was hiding, she thought. She checked John’s spacious closet and she checked the bathroom. She even checked under the bed and behind the curtain and the locked windowsill. Nothing. No sign of him.

“But I could’ve sworn I saw an arm…” That’s when she saw it, a black strap hanging from the door. Tentatively, she pulled the door closed.

And there she found John, unconscious and naked, hanging from a noose with a travel pillow over his neck.

Anastasia groaned, dropping the bag at her feet. “Oh come on, not again, John.” She rolled her eyes as she began to loosen the noose over his neck. “Over and over again, I tell you, wait for me to be a spotter, and what do you do? You go and hang yourself alone. Again!” She’d tell him off good and proper if she wasn’t so exhausted and if he wasn’t unconscious. What good was arguing at him when he couldn’t even hear her? She grumbled insults under her breath, her lips pressed into a thin line. As she moved to pull John down, her hand brushed against his skin and abruptly stopped in place.

He wasn’t warm or clammy. In fact, he was cold. A bit too cold. Frantically, Anastasia tried to find a pulse on his wrist. Was it two fingers, or three? Near the bone or towards the side? She couldn’t remember at all. She tried everywhere on his wrist, but she could feel nothing and he was still very very cold. She waved her hand over his mouth and his nose, hoping to maybe feel the breath escape his lungs but she couldn’t even feel that. He wasn’t breathing at all.

Anastasia stepped backwards into the wall and stared at his body in shock. John was dead. John had actually gone and autoasphyxiated himself to death. He had to go and die the most embarrassing, reputation-breaking way possible. Her friends were going to find out, she’ll become the laughing stock of her friends, and everything she had worked hard to cultivate in Australia will crumble to dust.

“Fucking hell, John,” she sighed.

She went back to her bedroom and grabbed her phone. She dialled 000 and said, in as calm a voice that she could, that her husband was dead and that she needed police. When the call was done, she flung the phone onto her bed and changed out of her comfy pyjamas into a sexy pink, sheer nightgown. If the police were going to come to her house, no way was she going to greet them in those ugly pyjamas.

[geekygoddesss]

“You’re so silly, I love you”

Requested by @teenageguitarist  

Based on one of my favorite scenes from my favorite show, Friends.

Everyone knew that Mondays were boring as fuck, it was no secret, they came after everyone’s praised weekend and somehow this day always seemed like the longest day ever. But not today. It was indeed Monday, but not only that, it was the day my boyfriend and his band were releasing their last album and that deserved a celebration.

It obviously had to happen at Ashton’s place, with happened to be right beside ours and it was a little bigger than our place, plus, out of everyone in the band, he was the one that was more excited for this new record, he poured his heart out on this, throwing out a party almost felt like a necessity.

It was fun. We drank, we danced, we laughed. Just like a good party should be, so naturally, after a good few hours of a full house of people drinking and messing around, people started leaving, it was the start of the week and a lot of them have things to do the next day, it’s totally fine, we only got left with the same old group of friends, the ones that would be around no matter what and the ones we could always count on for a good laugh. It felt like home to have them here.

We were currently sitting on Ashton’s living room, I was comfortably leaning on Calum’s embrace, while everyone else was sitting around in a circle, the lights were low around us and there was music in the background playing so softly. I was holding back a laugh from seeing our friend Mitchy prank calling some guy who worked with him, telling him something about winning a new X box or something like that. Lame joke, but I found it really funny.

He ended up hanging up the call after five minutes of keeping it up, we moved on our little truth or dare game, something kind of childish to do, but always really fun.

“Okay, so (Y/n), truth or dare?” Mitchy points at me since it was his turn to pick someone.

“Truth” I answer lazily, I was starting to grow a little tired, since it was already almost 3 in the morning and I barely slept before. I was not totally in the mood for dares.

“Boring” someone calls out to me, I don’t even see who it was.

“Hey” Calum says frowning a little and rubbing on my arm.

Mitchy seems to really think about it, there are not many things that you can ask in truth or dare, let’s be real, in this dumb games if you weren’t creative enough you would end up asking the same old questions everyone always asked. That is exactly what he didn’t do “Tell us about something you did years ago and you haven’t told anyone about” he says in a daring tone. I was really not expecting that.

“Woah, that’s very specific” I hear Michael say from the other side of the room.

“Yeah, where’s that coming from?” I ask him with a frown, it was such a weird question.

“She chose truth, I literally can’t think of anything else to ask” he excused himself.

“You don’t have to answer”  Calum whispers in my ear before kissing my head.

I think about it for a second, yes I technically don’t have to answer such a thing if I don’t want to and take a dare instead, but there’s something I need to say, maybe this is the time now that he brought this up. Nothing too harmful I guess, it’s just something that happened, I’ve been keeping this for myself for a while, we were all friends here, there’s no harm in saying it now.

“No, it’s fine” I smile up to Calum and move a little, sitting straight by his side “Well, Okay” I sigh, really thinking on what I was about to say, but there was no turning back now “Do you remember that time when we were in Australia and I was just starting to work with you?” I ask him.

“Yeah?” He nods with a confused look “Before we were dating?” He asks me.

“Yes”  I nod. My hands were shaking a little.

I give a deep sigh and close my eyes. I start talking.

I remember that day clearly because it was fucking scary. I was 18, maybe 19 at that time, the truth is I don’t remember but I was young.

I was just starting my job as a general assistant for the band’s team, I would help anyone with what they needed, no matter what it was. It was my second, maybe third week working on this and to be honest, I was having such a blast, I loved my job.

I remember to be helping the merch guy to load up the little stores around the venues. There tons of boxes around and we needed to put every single one of them in place before show time, I was not the only helping on this. My boss, Mark came up to me that day, catching me just walking through the doors that lead backstage and just getting to the store closer to the stage.

“(Y/n), are you busy right now?” He asked me with a friendly smile when he saw me.

“Em, no, not really” I lie, putting the box down on the store counter, If I could do something better than carrying boxes I would take that chance, I wasn’t in total shape and I hated carrying heavy things “I was just helping Gary with all these” I say pointing at the heavy box beside me.

“Okay cool” he nods and gives a step closer “I need you to do something for me” he says and pulls a phone from his pocket  “See this?”   “Yep” I nod.

“It’s Ella’s phone” he explained, I knew Ella, she was the one that always helped with all the photography stuff, she’s nice “She has some footage in there, recordings, everything, even those edited tour diary videos” he explains “Just put it all of it on your laptop, save it, and send it to me” he Instructs me, handing me the phone quickly and stepping back to do whatever he had to do “Uh, also make sure to find the clue images to post on twitter and program it to be posted in an hour or so” he adds up, walking away.

“You got it” I say loud enough so he could hear me.

“Thanks, Kiddo” “Anytime!” I call back, walking to a whole different way than I was before.

I remember how quickly I got to the green room, which was the room right beside the catering. I grabbed my laptop and turn it on, taking my USB cable to plug the phone into the computer. It was such a weird moment, there was exactly what Mark said there was, footage, videos of the guys, pictures, but right beside one of the clues pictures I had to post on twitter, there’s was a really low-quality video showing on screen, it looked like a screen recording from the camera of another phone or this phone.

Out of pure curiosity, I click on the video, it’s my computer, after all, no one would find out. It started as a weird video (indeed a screen recording) of a boy that not only didn’t showed his face but showing off his body from the neck down. It was such a short video, around 10 seconds, but it was clear, the boy in the video took the hem of his pants and pulled it down, showing off his boner in a very clear picture before the image went back to an app main menu.

“Oh, what the hell?” I sighed with a big frown. what the actual hell?. I play the video one more time, trying to take a guess on who was the person in it, but it doesn’t take me long to find out, because I recognized that big tattoo on his arm, that big bird in black ink was really ringing a bell, that boy was Calum “Oh my god” I almost wanted to exclaim my cheeks getting redder and redder “Bitch” I groan, playing the video one more time, there was a laugh at the end. Ella’s laugh, what a fucking bitch. She recorded Calum’s dick. Bitch.

I try to take my mind off what I just saw as I do the exact thing that my boss told me to do, I sent him the videos, post things he told me to, but somehow I found myself looking at that video again, who the hell would do something like this and save it up along with videos of the band that was to be public, Obviously someone who’s brain was as big as a peanut or smaller than ant. I don’t know what I should but I was definitely going to delete that video.

I click on the video image on the screen and click again, showing all of the options that I could do to this footage, I was just about to delete it, but I hear my name being called once and then again, I look up and click the option without looking to then immediately shut my computer down.

“(Y/n)?” I hear a voice call me again and enter the room. Speaking of the devil. “Yeah?” I say with a very fake smile “Oh hi, Calum” I say putting my computer aside. He smiles back to me “Hey, I thought I heard you here” he says walking into the room towards the mini bar “What are you up to?” I hesitate a little to answer “I’m just here” I shrug “hanging out” “Oh” he nods talking out a water bottle and opening it up  “Listen, I still have like an hour or two before I have to go on stage, I was wondering if you wanted to, you know, join me and go for coffee or something?” he says smiling and taking a sip of his water, he already looked ready to go for stage and he was now asking me out.

Isn’t he dating, Ella? “What?” I say for myself, but I snap out of my temporary trance before he thought I was crazy or something  “I mean, Yeah, I would love to” I smile at him, my blushed, that’s embarrassing. “Nice” he says with a very wide smile “should we go then?” he says pointing to the door. “Yeah, yeah, I Just- I need a second, I’m finishing something, I’ll be done in a minute” I say, almost sounding rushed and I was not lying, I still had to send Mark a couple of videos. “Okay”  he nods “I’ll wait for you outside then” “Okay” I nod back, to then wait for him to leave the room.

I wait to open my laptop until I hear the door shutting, I am very quick, I open my computer and go to my previous job, sending in what needed to be sent in, but I notice something weird, the moment I go to my twitter profile sitting right beside my mail is literally blowing up, not in a bad way, I guess, I have like a thousand followers, I was not popular. I scroll down and see what’s happening.

I hit send, not delete. Fuck.  I’m stupid. “Shit, shit, shit” I curse under my breath, my hands are shaking so bad that I barely knew what I was doing  “No, don’t do this to me” I say going to my profile and immediately deleting that video. about 20 people have already liked this. then realisation came “I’m gonna lose my job” “(Y/n)?” I hear calum call me out and I just close my laptop.

“Coming”  I call out and get up my sit, taking the phone with me and leaving my computer away “I’m ready, let’s go”

So, that was the day he first asked me out, along with the day I almost ruin his career. This is fucked up.

“You posted my nudes?” He said in a not very happy tone. I don’t blame him if it was me I would be mad too. “It was you?” I hear Luke ask in surprise. “I’m so sorry, okay?” I panic, getting up my seat “I didn’t mean to do that before I could delete it some people already had the video” I explain, but I could tell this was not getting any better “it was an accident” “People kept making fun of me for months” Calum says getting up his seat too and almost trying to control himself from yelling “The management team went hammed on me because of it, you know that, I was so dead nervous thinking you would think badly of me for that shit” He groaning “And I didn’t” I exclaim, almost like if that was the good side of the story “listen, Calum I’m so sorry” “Why didn’t you tell me this?” He shakes his head, he’s disappointed at me. I shrugged and look down “Because of I kind of ignored it” I mumble “I didn’t want you to freak out” “Well, I am freaking out now!” he exclaims at me and I flinch, I wasn’t scared, just surprised that he suddenly raised his voice, I didn’t like when he did that “I am so sorry baby” I say looking up at him and trying to hug him but he walks back, getting away from my hold. “Well a ‘sorry’ doesn’t cut it, I can’t believe you did that” he says shaking his head even more “Fuck this, I’m sorry, I’m gonna go” He says and with that, he just turns around to leave. “Calum” I walk towards me but he almost marches straight to the door. “Don’t follow me”  he groans, to then walk out of his best friend’s house. I stand on my feet, not giving a single step towards him, he’s really mad at me and that was never good. So I decide to not push it for a little while and wait for him to cool down a least a little. I just hope he doesn’t break up with me over this. I really hope he didn’t. “Shit, (Y/n) I feel so bad, I’m sorry” Mitch’s says, clearly apologizing for doing that question in first place. “It’s okay” I say giving him a sad smile “I guess this had to be told someday, anyways” I shrug “I think I should go now” I say walking starting to walk out but before I could give a full step, Crystal, Michael’s girlfriend, grab my arm. “Do you want me to keep you company for a while?” She kindly offers. “No, thanks, Crys” I say with a shrug “I guess I’ll try to talk to him” I say and she nods at my answer “thanks for having us, Ashton” I wave my hand at me. “Anytime, good luck” he says with a kind smile. Good luck. That’s the best thing someone could tell me right now, cause I was fucking nervous.   Walking home isn’t really a long way and I can tell Calum literally ran home because I don’t run into him on my way back. I left just a minute before he did, I should have at least see him enter the house, which I didn’t, however, the lights were on, he was clearly in there. I unlock the door with my keys and close the door behind me, I don’t even have to take a guess of where he Is because he always goes to the same place when he’s upset. The music studio. I walk to the door of his studio upstairs. It’s quiet inside, so I guess he’s just digesting what just happened, makes sense. I know twice and I hear his groan at the other side of the door. “Open up” I say softly. “Go away” “Calum, really, open up” I say grabbing the door knocker but the door is completely locked “I’m sorry okay?  That happened years ago, let it go” I say as if that was going to make him be less mad at me. “How can I just let it go?” He exclaims and I flinch, he’s raising his voice again “You could have ruined my reputation” “I know,I’m sorry” I mumble and knock again “Just open up, talk to me” I beg but he ignores me. I ran out of words to say and I feel like I have no other way to Ale him happy again. But oh wait, there is one way, one really stupid and strange way of making him happy again. I can’t believe I’m doing this. I clear my voice for a second and prepare my voice for what I’m going to do. “(Y/n) says she’s sorry and she shouldn’t have done that”  I say I’m a very high and awkward voice I only did when I was joking around with him “it was a big mistake and she won’t ever ever do that again” I hear him groan and little and walk to the door, opening it up and looking awkwardly at me “What are you doing?”  He asks “She feels really bad for not telling you” I keep talking in that voice, I could see somehow it was making all of this a bit better. “Are you really imitating Tommy pickles to make me feel better?” He asks crossing his arms over his chest. “Well” I shrug, keeping my voice high pitched “a baby’s gotta do what a baby’s gotta do” He tries to keep his face still but I can see his smile starting to crack and breaking up into a full-on laugh, it felt like music to my ears, just beautiful. “Did I do it?” I say in my normal voice with a big smile on my face. “Oh my god” he says in between laughs, looking at me like I was the greatest thing that ever made him laugh “you’re so silly, I love you” he says and I (literally) freeze. “What?” I ask, my face can’t help but smile. That was the best thing he has ever said. In all of these years we’ve been dating he’s never told me such a thing, it had nothing to do with me, it was just him, he wanted to be sure that he would say those three words to the right person and believed that saying it marked a very important phase in the relationship. I respected that, and hearing him say it to me felt special. “Nothing” he says, starting to freak out “I said you’re silly and then I just stopped talking” My hands are covering my face and then my mouth, I point at his chest and make him give a step back, his eyes were wide in surprise, he was totally weird out by this “You said you love me, I can’t believe this” “No, I didn’t” he denies “Yes, you did” “No, I didn’t” “You love me!” I exclaim in emotion, while he keeps freaking out. “No, I don’t” he freaks out  “Stop it, Stop it, Stop it” he says running his hand through his hair and giving a step back. “You Stop it!” I laugh, my eyes were filling up with tears. “Oh my god, you love me” “Okay well, yeah! I do” he says in realizations to then look at me “Are you crying?” He says softly, walking to me. “I’m so happy” I cry, feeling him pull me into a hug “you finally said it” “I did” he said running my back softly “I’m sorry I freaked out” he apologizes “I’m sorry about the video” I said back, looking up at him. “It’s fine I guess” he shrugs  “it happened a long time ago” “But I’m truly sorry about it” I apologize once again, crying into his chest. “I know” he says softly to then caress my hair “stop crying” he chuckles, caressing my head really softly. “I can’t” I laugh a little, I really couldn’t stop crying  “Calum?” “Yeah” he mumbles in response. “I love you, too” I say and look up at him with my already red eyes. “I know” he says, kissing my forehead “I know” We stay quiet for a good while, embracing each other and feeling the warmth of the moment, it was definitely a weird night, but thankfully, it turned out better than what it could have been. All I needed to know here was that we now know how much we love each other, and that was more than enough. Well, that’s really all I need.

[fishandchipsandvinegar]

So You Want To Record a Podfic?

So Les Mis Podfic Week ( @lesmispodficweek ) is coming up in June and in order for us to maximize the amount of amazing podfic for this fandom, I thought I’d make a tutorial for anyone out there who thought about making podfic, but then looked and said “well this is rather terrifying” and ran in the other direction.

I’m here to make recording podfic easy peasy lemon squeezy. Mostly so you can make the amazing authors you’re reading for squee with delight.

This post is going to just be about setting up to record podfic, we’ll handle the mess of actually recording and editing later. (and if you’ve been around the block before, I’ve hidden some trade secrets in here for all interested parties)

So to start out you’re going to need 4 things:

A microphone

A free piece of software called Audacity

A super awesome amazing fanfiction to record

A bunch of big blankets and chairs.

Let’s tackle these one by one below the cut. (and we’ll do a summary at the end)

MICROPHONE

Please, for the love of all that is holy, get a microphone.

If you do one thing for me, it will be going outside (scary, I know) and retrieving a microphone. It can be a:

Beautiful, expensive Blue Snowball or Blue Yeti

A cheap, less than $25CAN microphone from Walmart

That USB Microphone that came with your Xbox or Playstation so you could play Rock Band when you were 9

Hell, at worst, use the microphone on your smartphone.

But please, PLEASE do not use your laptop microphone. It sucks. No matter what computer you have, IT IS THE WORST.

“But Amanda, I sound okay on Skype and Discord, do I really need…”

YES. YES YOU DO.

When you record sound using your laptop microphone… it also picks up all those lovely little sounds happening inside your computer that you can’t hear. And it’s nigh impossible to edit them out. I want to hear you reading, not your computer. So PLEASE get some kind of microphone.

Ideally, you want a microphone that has a USB on one end. That’s going to be the easiest way to do this.

“But Amanda! My microphone has a 3.5mm Headphone jack on the end!”

That’s alright. There should be a microphone port on your laptop next to where you plug in your headphones. If there isn’t, record into an app on your smartphone/tablet and then download it to your computer.

“But Amanda! There’s some port on the end that’s not a USB and it’s not a headphone jack…”

Props to you for finding a fancy professional microphone! But, you’re going to need an adapter. Most music stores sell them.

“But Amanda! Can’t I just use the microphone on my headphones?”

You know, I’ve never actually tried this. If anyone can get it to work, please let me know and I'll link how to do it here. (You might be able to record this way using an app on a smartphone/tablet.)

AUDACITY

So now that I made you go spend money on a microphone, I’m damn well NOT going to make you spend money on software. Enter a free, open-source, lovely program called Audacity. Think of Audacity like the cheap grocery stores of the world. Everything is the same (mostly) as the big, fancy, grocery stores, but you get everything for cheaper because the store doesn’t look pretty.

Audacity looks intimidating and terrifying, but we’re here to help. You can make Audacity your bitch.

But first you need to install it. Or… you need to install two parts of it.

The actual program

A piece of extra software that will let you import and export MP3s (called Lame)

There are a dozen tutorials on how to install this software so I’m just going to link them here:

DOWNLOAD AUDACITY HERE: https://www.audacityteam.org/ DOWNLOAD LAME (the software that lets you use MP3s) HERE: https://lame.buanzo.org/#lamewindl

INSTRUCTIONS TO INSTALL BOTH (for WINDOWS): https://manual.audacityteam.org/man/installing_and_updating_audacity_on_windows.html

INSTRUCTIONS TO INSTALL BOTH (for MAC): https://manual.audacityteam.org/man/installing_and_updating_audacity_on_mac_os_x.html

Note: If you also want to work with WMAs, then you may also need to download another piece of software called FFmpeg. The installation instructions above cover that as well.

Okay, now that you installed those, did you restart your computer? Audacity won’t link up the two pieces of software if you don’t. Go do that and come back.

PICKING A FIC

Look, I know that 60k slow burn, fake dating AU owns a small part of your soul. I get it. I’ve been there.

This is not the fic you want to pick for your first podfic. Trust me when I say pick something short.

One-shots in the 3k-5k range are a good first project. It’ll give you more than enough audio to practice your editing skills, and shouldn’t take you much longer than a couple hours to record.

More importantly, it should edit down to something about 30 min. long, which is an easily listenable length for most people.

“But Amanda! I reaaaaaaalllly like this one fic and…”

Live your dreams, kid. But don’t say I didn’t warn you.

Another thing you have to do is ask the author if you have permission to make a podfic of their work. Some authors don’t like it, and others will be absolutely thrilled. In the case of Les Mis Podfic Week, everyone on the list has granted permission, so you’re good on that front.

BLANKETS AND CHAIRS

Time to get comfy, yo. Put on some PJs. Drag out some pillows. And then box the whole thing in with the best damn blanket barricade fort you’ve ever built.

(has anyone else noticed that Courf just hands Gavroche a gun in this scene? OMG)

And then christen the barricade fort by reciting the recording cardinal rule:

THOU SHALT RECORD GOOD AUDIO.

No amount of editing or fancy software can fix audio that was bad in the first place, so nest yourself into an environment that’s as close to perfect as you can get.

Building a blanket fort is a cheap way to build a (mostly) soundproof space. The blankets are soft and will absorb harsh sounds, but also insulate the space from outside.

You could create a blanket fort one of two ways:

The classic tables, chairs and blankets method

Throwing a comforter over your head while you record

One of these ways looks more like a barricade. Just saying.

If you’re blankets don’t quite reach the ground it’s okay. Just make the side you’re speaking towards longer than the side towards your back (this will also help to ventilate the fort, which will probably get hella warm).

Then climb in your fort, set up your computer and plug in your microphone.

Now sit for a full minute in quiet meditation and just listen.

You’re listening for anything that would interrupt your revolution you would consider loud and annoying while you were making a very important phone call.

Are there windows open? Can you hear the outside world? Close them. We are going to a world of pure imagination, we don’t want the real world.

Is the fan on your computer being unbelievably loud at this, the one time you need it to be quiet? Close some of the things you have open and see if it calms down. If not, move the microphone to the opposite side of your computer from the fan, and pull it as far away from your computer as you can. I like to stick my computer outside the blanket fort and the microphone inside on one of the chairs.

Can you hear other people in the house? Ask them to be quiet while you record, or move to a part of the house where you can’t hear them.

Is the air/heart in your house very loud? Mine is SO LOUD. It’s like a vacuum cleaner, I swear. Turn it off.

Basically, you’re looking to eliminate any sound you have control over.

Now you’re ready to record. We’ll deal with how to do this in another how-to, but some things to consider:

Be very still. Your microphone will pick up you shuffling. Get comfy or pause to shift and then continue reading. You can always cut out the shuffling parts in editing.

Take breaks. Stretch. I like to do this every time there’s a page break.

Bring a drink. Your voice is gonna go wonky with all that chatter. Enjolras is gonna be a word that gets harder and harder to say. Feuilly’s just gonna be hard right from the start.

Watch your microphone cord. If your microphone is handheld, the shifting of the cord as you speak will also be picked up by the microphone.

Consider duct taping handheld microphones to lamps. No, I’m not kidding. Duct tape your microphone to a lamp. Got one of those articulated lamps like in the Pixar logo? Look at that, you’ve basically got a professional microphone stand. AND IT’S ALSO A LAMP.

Don’t read straight into your microphone. Hold it/set it up a couple of inches to the left or right of where you’re speaking towards. This will stop you from popping your P-s and spitting your S-es

NOW LOOK AT YOU!

You’re practically a professional already.

So let’s say the recording cardinal rule together.

Thou shalt record good audio by:

Using a real microphone. NOT YOUR LAPTOP MICROPHONE.

Downloading and installing Audacity. And the extra bit that lets you use MP3s.

Picking a fic to read that’s around 3k.

Building a badass blanket fort and eliminating ambient noise.

If you have any questions or are really stuck on something, you can reach out and message me. Also, if this tutorial was helpful to you, tag me in whatever you make! I want to hear how awesome you sound.

You got this, kid. Now go out there and tell the world’s stories.

(also <3 to @mysunfreckle for helping me format this in a way that was actually readable)

[monsteramongmen-tamer]

Vacation

This is the first fanfic I have ever written. I have reread it and edited it a bit. 

Summary: You go on your first vacation to Summerslam with your best friend. 

Warnings: Smut. Kinks.

Tagging: @kaitlynwwefan

This was one of the most exciting days of my life. I just graduated from cosmetology school. I did my 2100 hours of hair and makeup and all that. Now I can actually go out into the world and show off my talents. I don’t want to toot my own horn or anything, but I’m pretty good at what I do.. I mean, I didn’t go to school and slave away for that long for nothing.

 I have been planning what my next move is going to be since before I even went to school.  No one would want to stay in small town Nebraska forever. It was probably the most boring place in the world, and I was so ready to move somewhere completely different. Be bold.

 I had different scenarios in my head of what I wanted to do, where you wanted to go. How cool would it be to move to New York? Or California? London?! My options were endless, I just needed to apply myself and more importantly, applications.

 There are different things I have on my dream board, especially as a kid, and one of them I kept to myself because everyone would make fun of me for it. 

Wrestling had been a huge part of my life since I was a little girl. I follow absolutely everyone one on social media, so I have a good feel on what people are like, and the environment for the most part. Or so I think. But how realistic does that sound? Working for WWE? As one of the makeup or hair people nonetheless? Positivity wasn't exactly my specialty, but I needed to figure out what the hell to do with my life. Being a pessimist was NOT going to be useful this time.

It was a normal Sunday night. I was working my life away until I find a job I want. Now, I just work at a special needs home until I find this so called “dream job”  At least there was a PPV on tonight that I could watch when I get off. Only thing that sucked is that it was a few hours away but work would not give me the night off because it was my weekend.

 Thankfully my best friend from school, Liz, was also a wrestling fan and was going to the show. Front row seats. So I am expecting endless snapchats and updates throughout the night. She also had VIP tickets to meet some of the superstars, but doesn't know quite yet which ones she is going to meet. Still, it is exciting and I was beyond jealous.

 During my shift, I felt my phone go off so many times. I kept wondering if my residents have been hearing it. Not like I care if they do, it is such a boring Sunday, which is why I am so pissed they didn't give it to me off. I snuck off to the bathroom multiple times to check my phone. I had about 25 snapchats and about 50 texts of what she was doing. Whether she was standing in line waiting, bitching about the obnoxious people that were there with her, her beginning to freak out, after she met superstars, you name it, but I loved it. I was so glad she was having a good time. She even met her favorite wrestler…. the one and only lunatic, Dean Ambrose.

 A couple hours passed and I was sitting at my computer documenting since my shift was almost over. I wanted time to go faster so I could go home and watch the PPV. 10 o’clock came around and it was time for me to go home. FINALLY!

I went out to my car and checked my phone and I had a rather...surprising yet exciting text from Liz. One of the guys that did the VIP tour, apparently his name is Will, asked Liz out on a date after the show!!!! Like what? That is so awesome! I texted her back faster than I have ever texted anyone in my life to get more details, but apparently her phone died. And the PPV had already ended by the time I got home, which means she is most likely on her date right now. I was dying.

I was scrolling through all my apps before trying to go to bed and out of nowhere I get a text from Liz. It was 2AM.

Sorry, my phone died, I am in Will’s hotel room...I don't know if I should leave or if I should stay

 I hurried up and sat up, OMG I HAVE BEEN WAITING ALL DAMN NIGHT, YOU’RE IN A WWE GUY’S HOTEL ROOM?!

Kinda, he led the VIP tour, then found me before the show started since I was sitting in the front row and asked me if I wanted to go get drinks after the show. So I did. Aaaaand we drank some, ended up in his hotel room….and yeah. You can guess the rest.

I was honestly proud of Liz, because this wasn't normally like her. She is a very shy girl and isn't a “one night stand” kind of girl. Which I think is why we get along so well. I am definitely not shy. I am very outgoing and blunt. It isn't always ideal, but it's me.

I just have to say first, you go girl. Second, I’m so fucking jealous of your perfect day. Third, is this guy just a one night stand? Or do you see it being more than that???

Shut up haha. And I don't know.  He is a super sweet guy, and super great in bed, but I can't see this being anything more than this.  I need to come up with some sort of excuse to get out of here! HELP!!!

 I have never been in this situation before, but I know she needs my help. So now I am trying to think of good excuses to leave that don't make it too obvious that she just wants to get the hell out.

Well, didn't you go up there with your dad? He bought the tickets right? Where does your dad think you are right now lmao??

…

OH MOTHERFUCKER I FORGOT ABOUT MY DAD

I think that worked out well for her if I do say so myself. She didn’t respond for awhile. By this time it was 3:30AM. I was in the phase of sleep where I am pretty unaware of everything, but out of nowhere my phone buzzed and scared the hell out of me. I flinched so hard I thought I was going to fall off my bed. It was Liz.

Made it back to my room, I don't think my dad noticed I was gone at all. Thank the lord. That would have been an awkward car ride home…

I waited until later in the day to respond to her because I was damn tired, and I couldn't tell how tipsy she was, so she needed to sleep more than talk to me.

I woke up late, due to being up late. No texts. So I shot Liz a text just to make sure she was alive and no one kidnapped her. She was okay, on her way back home with her dad.

A few weeks had gone by, I kept checking my phone for any job openings in various cities, but no luck. I just kept working my ass off at a job where I was not appreciated. That was my life for months. Work and coming home at night annoying Liz because I could. I had no else to bitch to.

Will had tried to add her on Facebook about a week after their night together. She declined because why would you want to be friends with a guy you had a one night stand with? That was weird? Then a couple weeks later, he added her again. She accepted, to see if he wanted something.

Surprisingly, they hit it off and talked for awhile. They became really good friends. From the things Liz has told me, he seems like a nice, genuine guy. I was still in shock that he was apart of one of my favorite companies. How does that even happen? I don't know, but it was cool.

Liz had actually gone down to where he lives and hung out with him for a weekend and he surprised her and got her tickets to different shows in the summer and a couple meet and greets. Summerslam tickets, RAW, Smackdown, and meet and greets. He gave her 2, and he told her that the other ticket wasn't for him. That she could give them to whoever she wanted.

I got a phone call late Sunday night.

“BITCH WE’RE GOING ON VACATION!”

I didn’t say anything for a second, “What the hell are you talking about?”

Pacing around my apartment, I am listening to what Liz is telling me. She has 2 tickets to each show Summerslam weekend that is taking place in Brooklyn, New York this summer. It was really going to happen. We had tickets, we just had to save up for a hotel, plane, and spending money! I am so fucking excited I can’t even breathe.

Pinching myself to see if this was real, I ran to my closet to see if I had any money saved up. Holy shit, was I surprised. I have never been on a vacation before, so I started a money jar last year and told myself that this year sometime I am taking an actual vacation. Why? Because I deserve one.

I had over $900 saved up. Where did all this money come from? I literally have no idea, but this vacation is paid for already, and it feels so good.

A couple months have gone by again. I kind of stopped looking for different cosmetology jobs lately because of this vacation. It was just a week away. I have everything ready and picked out, all I needed to do was pack. I got more nervous as the days went by because so much was going to be happening. The part I’m  most excited for was the meet and greets. I have so many favorite wrestlers, but I have no idea who I am going to meet. Liz said this will be just like other normal show.

7 days went by very quickly and it was time to go pick Liz up and go to the airport. I picked her up and we could not shut up the whole ride there. It was an hour drive from Liz’s place to the airport. I swear my dad was going to kill us. I kept reminded him that he wouldn't hear from me for a week, so I am just making up for future’s lost time.  

We finally make it to the airport. Find where our luggage needs to go, and find where we board the plane. It really is a blur because I am so focused on getting there and doing all sorts of fun things.

This still doesn't seem real. I am on vacation, with my best friend, doing my favorite thing.

It was Thursday, so we have tonight to do whatever we wanted to do. Tomorrow night was one of our meet and greets. I get real shaky whenever I think about it. Who am I going to meet? I’ve never met a famous person before, how am I going to act? Like a freak? Am I going to cry? I can’t cry. Then no one will take me seriously. Especially if I ever apply to this company down the road.

Liz and I walked around Times Square our first night. It was so beautiful. There were so many things to see. All the different stores, restaurants, just everything. Nebraska did not have this. Omaha is big, but not this big.

My feet were a little sore so Liz and I called an Uber to take us back to our hotel. Our driver was wearing a “Seth FREAKIN Rollins” shirt. I just looked at Liz and I knew this is where we were meant to be right now.

Here we are, Friday. I got up super early so I could get ready and look perfect. I showered and spent a really long (entirely too long) time shaving. I shaved everything preparing for this day. You never know what’s going to happen. When I got out of the shower, all the steam came out, hitting an impatient Liz in the face.

 “Take long enough?”

I just smiled and began getting ready.

Did my hair first, otherwise it would go absolutely crazy. I did my hair, then makeup, got dressed,  and finished hair. While I was putting the last of my bobby pins when Liz turns around and whistles. I just roll my eyes at her and grin.

As I took one last look before leaving our hotel room for the day, I made sure everything was perfect. I hope I chose an okay outfit to meet the wrestlers in. I chose a very revealing black lace top with maroon shorts and my vans. I felt pretty good. Which doesn't happen. It is rare I feel good about myself because of my size. Being plus size isn’t easy, but it’s me.

Liz called our Uber before we left our room. We were so ready for this.

Our ride is about half way over and Liz pulls out a piece of paper and is reading it. I look over her shoulder. It was our pass to get into the event today. She is probably just making sure she didn’t forget them.

“So I haven’t told you everything we are doing on this trip,” Liz says looking over at me with a smirk.

“What do you mean,” I asked. What could she have missed?

 Liz took a deep breath and looked at me again, “These aren’t just normal meet and greet passes. These are all day passes to BOTH DAYS.”

I screamed. Our Uber swerved a little bit. Probably shouldn’t die in the process of what is happening right now.

“What do you mean they are all day passes?! To meet all the wrestlers?! Are you fucking kidding me?!”

Liz laughed so hard. I was heavy breathing. By the time I was done freaking out, we were at our destination. I was about to meet ALL of my favorite wrestlers.

We walk inside and get our passes and the guide comes out and greets and talks for a few minutes. When he takes us to the first table, the first person wasn’t actually there yet and they didn’t say who it was going to be.

After talking to Liz to keep my cool, a very large man walks out and sits down. It was none other than the one and only…. Braun Strowman.

I knew who he was, they call him the Monster Among Men. You can definitely see why. He is a BIG man. I watch him every Monday on RAW and he is always destructive somehow. Braun enjoys grabbing people by the throat and slamming them into the ground. Or throwing them off in ambulances or dumpsters. Either way, he knew how to put on a show, and I really enjoy watching it. You had a very low-key crush on him.

We are towards the back of the line, so I have time to keep my cool. I kept telling myself ahead of time I am not going to be a loser while meeting these people. It just doesn’t help that Braun is one of my favorite superstars, and I am meeting him first. Literally a dream come true.

Unfortunately, Liz and I would be going at separate times, alone. I let her go first because I still feel my heart beating so fast. I am so nervous to meet Braun. I just keep reminding myself to breathe…

Liz just went back. I am next. I am just standing here with my eyes shut waiting for someone to come get me to go back, hoping I don’t pass out.  

The guy was walking over to me, and for some reason I held my breath. I don’t know why I do weird things in situations like this. I am walking towards the big man. He is looking over at me with a smile on his face.

“Well hi there, are you Y/N?” He asked me, in his thick country sounding accent.

That took my by absolute surprise, how did he know my name?!

“Yes I am, how did you know my name?” I asked in wonder, but I had a smile on my face going ear to ear.  

“Your friend Liz was just in here. She told me I was about to meet her best friend, and apparently my biggest fan so I should probably know the name of my biggest fan.” Braun winked at me.

I could have died right there. This is NOT happening.

I just blushed, “Well, I don’t know about being your BIGGEST fan, but you are my favorite wrestler, that is for sure.” At this point I wasn’t looking at him anymore, I was looking straight at the floor out of embarrassment. I could feel my cheeks getting hot. 

“You don’t need to be embarrassed darlin’, I am not the big scary guy you’re used to seeing on TV.” He said. Flashing another smile.

I swear, I could melt.

“I’m sorry, it’s just that you’re the first celebrity I’ve ever met. And I told myself I wouldn’t be weird, but here I am.” a nervous laugh came out of my mouth.

He let out a chuckle, “Well, I wouldn’t necessarily consider myself a celebrity, but I am honored to be your first!” Braun winked again followed by another laugh.

OFFICIALLY DEAD.

“Uuhhhh, yeah. I am glad you are my first too.” Finally I was able to look at him and smile. Suddenly I was feeling super confident.  

My session with Braun was over though. I got my picture with him and his autograph. Before I left, he gave me a giant bear hug. He had to hunch over pretty far to be able to hug me, since I am pretty short. Or is it because he is so tall? Whatever the reason may be, it was the best bear hug, ever.

I met up with Liz and I could wipe this stupid grin off my face. I felt like I was on cloud 9. Braun Strowman was not what everyone thinks he is. He is such a nice guy. I hope I get to meet him again someday.

“How was that for you?” Liz asked, with a raised eyebrow and a smile on her face. I just shook my head, “Remind me to thank you later.”

Our first tour guide went off to go somewhere else, so another one came along. I was spacing off thinking about my experience I just had with Braun. Out of nowhere, Liz starts hitting my arm. “Will is our guide now! Look!” Her face glowed up. I tried to get a good look at him. The only time I have ever seen this guy is creeping on his Facebook and Instagram, and he wasn’t bad looking. I mean he wasn’t my type, but he seemed like he could be good for her. Sophisticated and all that.

To be completely honest, the rest of the tour today was a blur, but I did meet some cool people. That, I will never forget. From Seth Rollins, Charlotte, Mojo Rawley, Dean Ambrose, Becky Lynch,  Roman Reigns, AJ Styles, Baron Corbin, and Bray Wyatt the British Strong Style boys. That wasn’t even all of them.  It was phenomenal. No pun intended. Just kidding. Pun intended, always.

We did not have tickets to the NXT event tonight, so we decided to just go out in the town again. But rather than shopping, we are going to have a few drinks. We found a cool looking bar in Brooklyn near where our hotel was. There was a lot of people here, so we just stood around. It got very overwhelming, so we went back to our hotel for the night.

I could hardly sleep last night. All the excitement of this vacation hit me. But when I woke up, I was in my hotel room alone. Where was Liz? I began to panic. I saw a note on the sink.

“Got up early to have coffee with Will, meet you downstairs at 9. I let you sleep in! Love you!”

That was okay with me. This means I can take a long hot shower and not feel bad about using it all the hot water. I had my music up loud from the moment I got up, to the moment I left. I didn’t tell Liz this, but I listened to a ton of the wrestler’s theme songs to get me pumped up. Not that I needed it. I can’t even imagine what is going to happen today, but there is no way that it could compare to yesterday.

I had a dream about Braun Strowman that was quite...steamy. That will leave me in good hands today, I’m sure.

I went downstairs to meet Liz and she was with Will. “Hey!” Liz said. “You two haven't formally met yet, so Will, this is Y/N, Y/N, this is Will.” Her smile is so huge, it made me pretty happy.

“It’s nice to finally meet you, Will. I’ve heard so much about you.” I said.

“Likewise, it is nice to finally put a face to the famous Y/N I hear about all the time.” He said.

“All the time?” I am looking over at Liz at this point with a suspicious look. She just shrugged her shoulders.

Liz immediately changed the subject. “We have big plans for today.”

I asked, “There’s another meet and greet today, right?”

“...not exactly. We will be meeting some people, but not who you’re thinking.” She said, seeming guilty of something.

“What do you mean by that?” I have no idea what she is talking about, she better not have anything up her sleeve. I don’t do surprises well.

“You will just have to find out.” She had a smirk on her face. So did Will. What the hell is going on?

We call an Uber and make our way to the Barclay’s, where things are happening today.

We get out of the car and make our way inside. The suspense was killing me. I like having everything planned out.

We go to the front table and Will shows them his pass and says we are with him, so they give us passes as well. We made our way to the back, where superstars were getting ready for the second day of meet and greets.

We were back to where they do hair and makeup. There was a designated area where everything was, but it was all scattered. This is what I have been imagining since I was a little girl. I could not believe that I was back here, but..why were we back here?

I slowly turned to Liz and whispered, “So what exactly are we waiting for back here?”

Just as I was finished asking her, two people came up and hugged Will. It was not just random two people. It was Leslie and Madeline. WWE’s lead hair and makeup girls. They talked for a minute when suddenly Will turns and says, “This is her.” He was pointing to me.

WHAT IS HAPPENING RIGHT NOW

The two women turn to me and shake my hand. “Hello Y/N, we have heard so much about you! We hear you graduated from Xenon Academy in Omaha a few months ago. That school is highly talked about.” Leslie said to me.

I really don’t know what to say, but I had to say something, and quick.

“Really? In little Nebraska?! Yeah, I graduated there in May! Top of my class.”

Phew. That sounded alright.

“Yeah, we have visited there a couple times a few years ago when we were in the area for shows. It is a really nice place.” Madeline said.

“It really is. I loved it there!” I said.

“I also heard that you were possibly looking for a job? Is that true?” Leslie asked me. She looked very serious. I was almost afraid I would say the wrong answer.

“I have been, yes. Not much luck though.”  I blurted out.

“Your friend Will over here said that you were pretty good, and we are looking for a little extra help. Willing to try it out here? Say like, an informal interview?” Leslie asked.

“Yes, absolutely!” I said. I probably could have waited a second before jumping the gun, but oh well.

I look over at Liz in disbelief and she is smiling so hard. She knew about this. Little shit. If this goes even a little bit well, I will owe her, big time.

They told me I could do it today, right now. The wrestlers would be coming and going before the meet and greet. This is happening, and it is happening right now. If I blow this, that would probably be the end for me. If they don’t like me, I will hit some sort of depression and work some awful job the rest of my life. I am also a little dramatic.

They took me to one part of the room. Where they do hair. Madeline was still going to be here, so I was not alone. She will guide me through what each person likes and how she does it.

“So I am probably going to give you a lot of the guys, just because it’ll be easier to do than the girls. Don’t get me wrong, it's not always easy, but I will be here for all of it to help you, if you need it.” Madeline said to me. She put her hand on my shoulder for comfort and it surprisingly helped. She was super nice. I can see why everyone around here loves her.

The first person that came in was one of the announcers. I didn't know his name, because I don't see him much on TV at all. Maybe Mike? But he just had a normal guy haircut. Sides of his head shaved and hair on the top of his head.

That went a lot smoother than I was anticipating, but I am so thankful for that. Next walked in Will. I just knew he was going to sit in my chair. He was alone though.

“Where is Liz?” I asked him while I was combing through his hair.

“She is just on the other side of the door talking to some people, no worries.” He smiled through the mirror at me.

“Oh, but I do worry. I am the best friend, let me remind you.” I looked at him through the mirror holding the comb toward him.

He held his hands up in surrender, “I know, I know. I am just trying to impress you so you don’t hate me.” The man almost looked scared. I find it quite comical. 

“Why would I not like you? You got me this amazing, once in a lifetime opportunity. I am beyond grateful.” I said.

Will shrugged and looked at his hair, “Perfect!” He looked over at Madeline, “I think we found a good one.” He winked at me then left.

Just when I thought things were slowing down, Dean Ambrose walked in and sat in my chair.

“Hey darlin’! I don’t believe we have met before. I’m Dean. Are you working here now?”

I shook his hand, “No, I am just kind of….filling in. This is basically like a little interview for me, to see if I can handle doing guy’s hair, like yours.”  

Smooth.

“Okay, cool. Lucky for you I am going for the messy, crazy hairdo. Shouldn’t be too hard to mess up.” He smiled at you.

Dean’s hair really was easy to do. I just got it wet, combed through it, then messed it up with my hands.

“Looks perfect, darlin. Good job.” Dean said. Then he went on his way.

Madeline looked over at you quite impressed, “Nice work. You are doing very well so far.”

“So far?” You gave her a nervous look.

“Ready for a guy with longer hair?” She asked, ready to give me the challenge.

“Absolutely. Who will this lucky man be?” I asked.

Madeline had a look on her face, thinking of who she should pick. She then went out to the hallway to see if anyone was out there.

“Okay, here he comes, good luck.” She said to me, getting back to her job. She was currently working on Natalya’s hair.  

You were in a tote looking for another comb to use, and you could hear giant footsteps behind you and sit down. When you turned around, you could not believe it. It was Braun Strowman. Again.

“Well hey there, Y/N! I wasn’t expecting to see you be the new hair girl around here!” He said to me, with one of those intoxicating smiles.

“To be quite honest with you, I did not know I was going to be here today. I was actually tricked here, but it worked out pretty okay I think.” I cannot help but smile. Just looking at this beautiful man.

“I’d say so too. I remember saying yesterday I hoped to see you again, and here you are,” He said.

“You did? I definitely do not remember hearing that. I would have remembered.” I raised an eyebrow waiting for a response.

“Well shit, I guess I said it in my head. Oops.” At this point, Braun was blushing. It was so cute. But this is not a time to be thinking he is cute. I am being watched for a potential job. My DREAM job.

“That is okay. So, what are we doing today?” You asked him, standing behind him looking at him through the mirror.

“I usually just do a ponytail. Brush all this back then tie it, but can you put it in a bun? I don’t wrestle until later. A surprise match for the fans.” He said. This man knew how he liked his hair.

“Yes, sounds like a challenge, but I think I can handle it.” I winked at him. He knew I was being facetious.

It was just small talk while I was doing his hair. It was nice. He was so down to Earth.

“So can I come back later and you do my hair before my match?” Braun asked me, looking hopeful.

I looked over at Madeline, she nodded.  “Yeah, I will be here!”

“See you then.” said that thick country accent. I can’t get enough of it.

Madeline turned to me with her head cocked sideways, “Did Braun Strowman just ask if he can come back to have you do his hair again before his match?”

“Yeah…” I didn’t know what else to say.

Natalya looked at me through the mirror, “That man does not usually come to hair and makeup, let alone come twice in the same day.”

I am confused, then why was he coming back later? Oh well.

“Wel, we are finished for awhile, until Braun comes back to see you. So you can go wander around for while. I won’t be back here before his match, will you be okay doing it by yourself?” She asked me.

“Oh yeah. It won’t be a problem at all.” You said smiling at her.

“Glad to hear it. I am impressed with what I saw today. So good job!” Madeline said as she was cleaning up.

“Thank you so much!” I said.

I asked her if she wanted any help, she said no, so I went out to attempt to find Liz. Luckily she wasn’t too hard to find.

She ran over to me, “Oh my gosh how did it go?!”

“It went well, Madeline said she was impressed, so that is a good thing right?”  I said.

“Hell yes it is. Do you do any cute guys’ hair?” She asked in suspense.

“Well I did Will’s hair, and Braun Strowman came in and I did his hair.”

“Ooohhhh and how did that go..” She was nudging my side with her elbow.

“Shut up, it was fine, I am doing his hair again before his match this evening” I said laughing.

“This is so cool, my best friend is doing superstar’s hair and Will does the tours. What should I do?!” Liz asked, mostly to herself.

We spent the next couple hours just walking around looking at the different displays they had.

I had no idea what time Braun’s match was, so I headed back to where I was before. He wasn’t there yet. So I just looked at my phone until he showed up.

“You know how unprofessional that looks, right?” said this deep country voice. I know exactly who that is.

You hurried and put your phone in your pocket, “Sorry, I was just passing the time, I wasn’t sure what time you would be coming back here before your match.” I said apologetically.

“I was kidding, I am here a little early, and I realize I never gave a time, so I’m sorry.” Braun said. “How can I make it up to you?”

“You don’t need to make it up to me, I don’t even technically work here. So you have nothing to worry about. I am just offering my services at this point.” I regretted saying that as soon as it left my lips.  

Braun gave you a look, but this was not a confused look. This was an almost determined look, but I don’t know for what. Maybe I did, but my brain is playing dumb.

“So would you like me to do your hair still, before this match?” I asked. I would understand if he wasn’t interested in that anymore.

“Yes, please. I am actually here early. There weren’t as many people to see me here today as there were yesterday, but that is okay, gives me the extra time now.” He said looking at you.

“Yeah, I can imagine preparing for matches can be tough at times.” I said getting out my supplies.

“I was actually talking about giving myself time to see you…” He said. I just stopped in my tracks.

“Oh, your hair shouldn’t take too long, but I appreciate that gesture! I will make sure the Monster Among Men’s hair does not disappoint tonight.” I blurted out. I didn’t know what was actually happening, so I am playing it cool. This has never happened to me before.

“Right... my hair. You know, the only reason people are afraid of me is because of my long hair?” He said.

“Really….you don’t think it has anything to do with your size?” I asked raising an eyebrow. My hands are already in his hair.

“I mean, I think I am a normal sized guy. It’s you people who are small. That is not my fault.” Braun chuckled.

Did Braun just call me small? No one has ever called me small.  I may be on the shorter side, but I am also on the wider side. But hey, I am going to take all the compliments I can get out of this beautiful man.

“Hey now, I might be small, but I am mighty.” I held out my muscles. It was so sad compared to his I just laughed.

“Mighty huh? You Might have to prove that one.” Braun said. Now I know he is flirting with me. I am 100% okay with this.

“Yeah, we’ll see. How’s your hair look?” I asked. Head tilted in the mirror to make sure it looked like it did on TV.

He put his hand on his chin, looking over his hair. “It looks good. Thanks babe.” He came over and hugged me. I was definitely not expecting that, but I sure as hell wasn’t going to complain.

“Not a problem at all. I enjoy doing hair, and you are very easy to talk to , so it helped ease my nerves.” I said. He finally let go of me.

“Well, I am glad I could help. I am going to put in a good word for you. Wouldn’t mind seeing you around here more often. You coming to the match tonight?” He asked.

I wasn’t planning on going, but he seemed like he wanted you to.

“I would love to, but I don’t have tickets to the show..” I said, I pouted a little bit.

“See, the awesome thing about working back here is you get to watch all the shows backstage. For free. So are you in?” He sounded like he was pitching some sort of sale. It was an offer I cannot refuse.

“Sounds like you convinced me! Just let me text who I came with saying I will be here late.” I said, grabbing for my phone.

“No problem. I can even give you a ride back to your hotel after if you’d like. Save some money from a taxi.” He offered.

Braun was being super generous. I love it. I can’t tell him no for some reason.

“Sounds like a plan to me! Thank you so much!” I said.

“No problem. I will see you after the show!” He said walking out the door, waving.

I shot a text to Liz,

Do you care if I stay around and watch this match? You don’t need to wait around for me if you don’t want to. If you and Will want to go out or something, go for it. 

L:   Not at all. Do you have plans? I don’t want to leave you hanging.

Actually, I think I do….

L:   Do tell….

Braun invited me to watch the match then said he can take me back to the hotel. Or maybe we will go out. I honestly have no idea. But it’s okay. Go enjoy yourself!

L:  Oh man, girl good luck. Get it! Love you, be safe! <3

 Will do. Love you too.

I was backstage watching Braun’s match. I didn’t really know anyone back here, but that’s okay. Everyone is being super nice to me. Braun was fighting Finn Balor, so the match didn’t really seem fair, but they were both really good wrestlers. Not even referring to their size. I thought Finn was going to lose fairly quickly, but it actually went on for awhile. Finn ended up winning, somehow.

He came backstage and found me right away.

“Hey you, what did you think?” he asked.

“You put on a really good fight. I am quite impressed.” I said nudging him.

“Well I am glad you enjoyed it. Follow me for a second.”  He said, walking away.

I had to walk fast behind him because he was walking quickly and I do not have long legs. He led us to a dressing room.

When we walked in, Braun locked the door, my eyes got really big. Shit, he wasn’t wasting any time. He saw my expression and laughed.

“Don’t worry, I am just going to change real quick before we leave, if that’s okay?”

“That’s fine. I just haven’t been in one of your guys’ locker rooms before. They aren’t as fancy as I imagined.” I said. I was totally lying. I thought Braun was going to take me right here and now. I mean, I wouldn’t be opposed…

Braun laughed, “Yeah, they don’t always give us the shiny benches with the nice lockers and the gatorade bottles waiting for us. It is kind of a bummer.”

I rolled my eyes, “And you think you’re so deserving of all of that?!”

“I mean, have you met me?” He said, trying to show off.

As I was getting ready to open my mouth to respond, he pulls off his shirt. God damn. What was I going to say?

“Liking what you see?” He said, catching me stare.

I immediately looked away, “I mean, I am not going to lie to you. Yes. You look very good. And I don’t even mean that now just because you took your shirt off.”

“That is okay if you do, I am kind of a lady killer.” He said.

I think I about died of laughter. “A lady killer? Really? That is your go to line? Needs some work.”

Braun stuck out his bottom lip and pouted. He changed his pants real quick. He turned around so he wasn’t facing me. There was a mirror on the wall so it wasn’t completely private. Wouldn't you know that Braun doesn’t wear underwear with his combat pants? He has a really nice butt. I didn’t mean to look in the mirror (totally did, that was a lie) and I got a small glimpse of Braun’s dick. HOLY FUCKING SHIT. I needed to calm down. I was a mess, but I don't think he noticed.

He turned around after putting pants on, “I have a weird favor to ask you, if your willing.”

A favor, sure anything. Damn, I need to calm down.

“Sure, what do you need?”

“Can you by chance help me put these back in? I would do it myself, but I am feeling a little shaky and sweaty.”

Braun was holding out two piercings. Two fucking nipple piercings. Am I in heaven? Nope. Just Braun’s dressing room. Basically the same thing, right?

“Sure, you’ll have to guide me a bit, but I can do it for you.” I took the piercing from his hand.

“Okay, so I have a small tube of lube in my bag, it will make it easier to put in.” He said.

I went over and got the lube. I don’t know many people who carry lube around on the daily, but it’s kind of hot.

“You’re just going to put a little bit on the bar and then rub a little bit on my nipple.”

I listened to his instructions. Lube on the bar, and I put some on my finger and rubbed it around one of his nipples. Braun started to hold his breath, but his heart was pounding. I pretended not to notice.

The first one went in smoothly. I repeated the same with the second one. Lube on bar, rub his nipple, then I tried to put it in and a small hiss came from Braun’s mouth.

“Are you okay? Did I hurt you!” I asked, beginning to panic.

“No you are doing fine, this one is just a little sensitive, that’s all.”

“Noted.”

I slid it in the rest of the way, ignoring the hissing sounds. Braun gathered the rest of his stuff.

“Ready to go?” He asked me.

“Yep, I will let you lead the way.” I said.

The suspense was killing me inside. Was he just going to drop me off at my hotel? Are we going to get some food? What is happening.

Braun led us back to the back door and he grabbed his rental car keys. We got into a big Cadillac and then he finally asked me, “So what hotel are you staying at?”

 “I am staying at the New York Marriott at the Brooklyn Bridge. It isn’t too far from here.” I said, kind of bummed,

“Hey that is the same place they booked for us! I know exactly where to go.”

“Perfect.” you said. Now I don't even care if we do anything. Maybe I can be bold and and suggest we hang out for awhile?  

It was a pretty quiet car ride. I didn’t mind.

Braun pulled up to the hotel and had the valet park it.

I just needed to get it out. We were in the elevator and no one has said anything yet.

“So do you want to hang out or something or are you pretty beat?” I asked. 

That was good.

“I was just about to ask you if you wanted to do the same thing. My room?” Braun suggested.

“Yeah that’s fine, my friend and her “friend” might be in mine, so that works for me.”

“Perfect. No worries, I have my own room. And I am pretty sure everyone else is going out and partying tonight. So it’ll be pretty quiet.” He said.

We made it to the top floor and Braun pulled out his key card and opened his door.

“Do you care if I take a quick shower?” he asked, already beginning to strip towards the bathroom.

“Go for it, I will just wait here.”  I said. I just sat on the couch.

“Or…..you could join me?” Braun suggested. “I have something here you can wear.”

I didn’t even give it a second thought.

I got up and ran into Braun’s arms and kissed him. I was expecting a rough kind of kiss, but he was actually being quite gentle. Until I started using my tongue to give the message I was trying to be the dominate one. Good one...

He carried me to the sink and ripped off my shirt, lips never separating.

“Are you sure about this?”  He asked, taking a good look in my eye to make sure this is what I wanted.

“I have never been more sure about something before in my life.” Not even two seconds later Braun’s tongue was down my throat. His hands were searching up my thighs. He tried unbuttoning my shorts, but he was having some trouble. Braun took me over to the bed and laid me flat. He pulled my shorts right off.

He stepped back for a second, admiring the choice of lingerie I had on.  I was so glad I had put it on today. I was wearing a black lace push up bra with a gray lacy thong.

“God, you are so beautiful. Look at all these amazing curves. I am going to make all of them feel good tonight baby.” Braun said in a really low, growly voice. That is all it took to make me soaking wet through my panties.

Braun came back over on top of you and started to kiss you again. But this time, all over. He was not kidding when he said he was going to make my curves feel good. No one has ever done that before. He started with your lips, then moved down to your neck. He found your sweet spot and sucked on it for a minute. Just hard enough to leave a slight mark. You found him then moving down towards your chest. He kissed down the valley of your breasts. 

He picked you up so he could unhook your bra. He struggled for a minute with his big hands, but he got it and went right back to work. He started on your right nipple and you kept letting out little moans here and there, but I don't want to keep doing this and ruin all the fun.

Braun moved over to the left nipple and his hand began to trace my stomach and go down to my panties.

He stopped for a second, “Wow, is all of this for me? Already?” I did not want to admit that I was so wet already, but I can’t help it.

Braun and his tongue went back up between my chest, down my stomach and made it all the way to my panty line. If he keeps this up, I am going to get very impatient.

I felt a slight bite on the skin between my thighs, I flinched and realize that it was Braun taking of my thong with his teeth. Never have I ever been so turned on in my life before this moment.

Once my panties were gone, I spread my legs, hinting at what I wanted. Braun took his tongue and licked around my clit one time then stood up.

I whimpered and sat up to see what was going on.

“Come here.” Braun said, very demanding.

I got up and I stood in front of him, he pushed me to my knees.

“You are not in charge right now little lady, I am. Do you understand? I do not want any more begging. And since there are not any people around, I want you to be as loud as you can. Clear? ou scream my name.” Braun said. He was very clear. He has officially taken over, but I am okay with this. I just nodded.

“I said, are we clear?” He repeated in a deep dark voice.

“Yes, sir, you are very clear.”

I know exactly what he wants since he put me on my knees. I can see his dick trying to poke through his shorts. I put my hands at his waistline and looked at him, for permission. He nodded and I pulled them down and I was met with a very large, thick dick in my face. I couldn’t just let it hang there. I licked my hand and started stroking him, very slowly. I saw a wave of intensity go through his body. I then met his balls with my other hand and my mouth on his tip.

Braun grabbed a chunk of my hair and slowly started to go faster and faster. He didn’t care if I was gagging or not. After a few minutes of slowly getting into it, he was full force fucking my throat.

He was letting out many deep groans. All of a sudden, Braun stopped, helped me up, and led me to the bed. He had me sit on the corner and he got on his knees. He threw my legs wide open and held them as wide as they could go.  

Braun’s tongue was teasing my clit, and I was groaning, hoping that he would do more. He then took the whole thing and put it in his mouth and sucked on my clit. I moaned so loud, if there were people in the room next to us, they would most definitely hear us right now.

 I could feel Braun smile and he released my clit and started licking very sloppily around it again. I could feel that I was about to come.

“Bra- I- I thi- I’m gonna come.”  I couldn’t get it out the feeling was so intense and taking over my entire body.

“Come all over my face baby” he said. Not even a second later that was all it took for me to come, but I could tell things were far from over.

Braun made sure to leave no juices behind. He then stood up and kissed me, so I could have a taste as well.

I stood up and pushed Braun on the bed. He had a very confused look on his face.

“I want to ride you.” I told him, already straddling his hips. It was a lot more challenging than I thought it would be, but I know I can do it, and it will be worth it.  Braun just shook his head really fast.

As soon as my entrance was lined up with his dick, his head went straight back against the headboard. I started rocking my hips back and forth to get things going for him again, although by the feel of things, I did not need to do that.

I looked into Braun’s eyes and he nodded, giving me the okay to start actually riding him.

He did that part for me, rather quickly. He lined up his dick to my entrance and as I slid myself onto him, I could feel the way he was stretching me out.  I let out a loud moan as I took him all the way in. Braun also let out a loud grunt.

I started out slow, to enjoy the pleasure. As I picked up the pace, Braun took ahold of my hips and was guiding them. I was moving my hips so fast I had to lean up against Braun’s chest and bury my face in his neck. He got more and more sloppy with the pace.

I sat up and looked at Braun, “I want you to take control. I am all yours.”

I got off of Braun and he told me to lie on my back on the bed. I listened to him.

Braun got off the bed and stood at the foot of it. He got his dick ready at my entrance again, making eye contact, making sure he had permission again to enter my body. When he did, Braun just rammed right into me. I screamed as loud as I could because it was so painful, but the more he did it, the more it turned into pleasure. He went in hard, but it was still going slow.

As he picked up the pace of things, his head was in my neck. I put my hands around his big shoulders, I couldn't help but dig my fingernails into his skin.

“Oh, I like it when you are rough with me. Keep doing that.” Braun said to me, still in my shoulder.

I couldn't even help it, the faster he went, the harder my nails dug, and I think I even made him start bleeding in one spot. There were definitely marks.

I couldn’t help but think of a fantasy of mine, that was also in my steamy dream the other night, that would be perfect for this moment.

“Braun, I want you to choke me.” I could not believe I got it out in one shot. Everything seemed like a blur.

He gave me a dark look. “You want me to choke you? Have you been bad? I think my back is bleeding. That means you are a very bad girl and I need to teach you a little lesson.”

“Y-yes Braun. Te-teach me a- a lesson.” I managed to get out.

Braun pulled out and I made a really loud whimper in protest.

“Flip over and put your ass in the air.” He said.

I was in the doggystyle position for a minute before Braun did anything. Before I had the chance to look back to see what he was doing, I all of a sudden felt a huge SMACK on one of my ass cheek. I screamed in pleasure, “YES Braun.”

He spread my cheeks and placed his dick at my entrance and slowly put it in, then took it out. I began to shake my butt to pick up the pace. Bad idea.

SMACK. Took a hit right to the other cheek.

I learned my lesson and shut my mouth.

Once I did that, Braun began to pick up the pace and all of a sudden I felt a hand around my neck. Braun was leaning on top on me so he could choke me, per my request.

It was such a sensation. I was breathing so fast, but my airway was limited. Braun wasn’t choking me very tight.

Out of nowhere, Braun picked up the pace to maximum speed and things were beginning to get very sloppy and his hips were jamming into your ass. He also tightened his hand on your throat. 

“I need you to come with me, Princess. Can you do that? Can you come with me? I am almost- almost there…”

After a few more hard, sloppy thrusts, I could not wait any longer. “Okay- I- I am comi- coming” barely able to finish my sentence I was coming all over and down Braun’s dick.  I could feel Braun coming inside of me as soon as I started coming. He let go of my throat. We both let out a huge scream as we released. 

Braun plopped down on the bed and I fell down and laid there next to him. He pulled me into his chest.

It was silent for a few minutes, but it was just so we could catch up on our breath. That was the roughest sex I have ever had.

When our breathing finally calmed, Braun turned onto his side and looked right into my eyes then places the sweetest kiss on my lips.  “I am going to put a very good word in for you because I would like to see you around more often. Maybe even take you out to dinner sometime, if you’d like.” Braun said.

“I think I would like that very much.” I kissed Braun again. This would never get old.

My phone started ringing. I jumped out of bed real quick and wrapped myself in a blanket.  It was an unknown number, but I answered anyway.

“Hello?”

“Hello, is this Y/N?”

“Yes it is.”

“Hi Y/N, this is Leslie, we met earlier today. How are you? I hope you are not busy.”

“Nope! Not busy at all! Thank you for calling! What’s up?”

“I just wanted to call and tell you that everyone gave a good word for you today, and one particular stood out that caught my eye, Mr. Braun Strowman said I would be silly not to offer you a job. So I am calling to see if you would be interested in working with us here at WWE with hair!”

 “Oh my gosh. Really? This means more than you know. Yes, I am interested and accept your offer!”

“Perfect I am so glad to her that! Can you start tomorrow?”

“Absolutely. I will see you tomorrow.”

I go back into the room and plop on the bed next to still naked Braun.

“Everything okay?” He asked seeming concerned.

I was so excited to tell him, “You won’t even guess what just happened. That was Leslie on the phone and she just offered me a job! I start tomorrow at SUMMERSLAM!”

He didn’t act as surprised as you were hoping,

“Wanna know a little secret? I already knew they were going to offer you that job.” He said with a huge smile.

I just shook my head at him, wrapped my arms around him, and kissed him.

Then a thought came to my head.

 “You know, we never did take that shower…..” I said with one eyebrow raised.

Braun had the biggest smirk on his face. He sat up and got really close to mine and said, “I know, I was saving it for round two.”

[fanfictionandstuff]

Secrets- Riverdale X Reader Chapter 3- Body Double

Fandom: Riverdale

Warnings: none

notes: sorry for the clusterfuck of confusion on the uploading time of this. my editor was busy and then I had no wifi for 2 days and ughhh. anyways its here!

You were sitting on the couch sketching when your phone started binging like crazy, you set down your pencil and picked your phone up to see about 16 texts from Kevin. You unlocked your phone to check your texts but before you could even open the messages app Kevin's face filled your screen and his obnoxious custom set ringtone stopped you. With a sigh you hit the green 'answer' button.

"hey Kev wha-" You started but Kevin cut you off mid sentence.

"Holy crap (y/n) you will not believe* what just happened! where are you?"

"Home? I didn't feel like going to school...though, if anyone asks I'm grievously ill."

"Well you better recover ASAP, and get over here!" Without waiting for a response Kevin ended the call.

You put your sketchbook on the couch next to you with a dramatic sigh and stood up, throwing everything in a bag and tugging your shoes on as you stumbled out the door towards the school. You quickly covered the two blocks to Riverdale high, and when you got there pretty much all of your friends were waiting out front looking like they had seen a ghost.

"(Y/N)! FINALLY!" Kevin grabbed your arm and dragged you back towards the rest of the group. "While you were sitting around at home being a recluse- something I do not endorse by the way, we already have Jughead for that- Cheryl dropped probably one of the biggest bombs since July 4th! In bio she totally confessed!"  Kevin looked like he was about to explode.

Betty stopped him before he could go into further detail. "All Cheryl said was that she was guilty, Kev, she didn't say of what." Kevin Rolled his eyes with a dramatic sigh, "Well theres not alot of other things it could be!"

You waved your hands signalling them to slow down, "Hold on, what happened exactly?"

"The Sheriff's department came into class, and Cheryl stood up and said they were here for her, because she was guilty." Veronica summed up for you.

"I-- wow. Really?" you were stunned. sure Cheryl was a mythic Bitch, but you didn't think she could kill Jason. Or anyone really.

Later that day you were all chatting in the student lounge.

"So are you a suspect now?" Veronica asked Kevin.

"My dad says we all are, including me."

"Not me girl. I don't know these people. neither does (y/n)."

You nodded silently and looked at the ground. You did, actually know these people but nobody needed to know that, and it didn't even matter you sure as hell weren't the one that killed Jason.

Kevin fiddled with a piece of licorice and looked at the rest of your group with a grin. "Guys, should we maybe rebinge making a murderer on netflix tonight?"

Betty laughed, "Sorry can't, gotta stay late to work on the paper."

"Count me out too. I've got a date tonight." Veronica added.

"You do?" Archie asked.

Kevin smiled, "Which Riverdale Hottie made the cut?"

Veronica tilted her head towards the door with a cryptic smile, towards one of the jocks "Hey V-Lo, I'll swing by the pembrooke to pick you up at 8?"

"I'll be waiting." she smiled at him.

"Cool." The boy grinned while putting on his jacket before walking out the door.

Betty and Kevin both had immediate reactions.

"Chuck clayton?" Betty looked extremely concerned.

"You're going on a date with chuck?!" Kevin looked weirdly excited.

"Wait whos Chuck Clayton? You wondered out loud.

The rest of the group semi-ignored you, opting to keep talking about Chuck. "He's kind of a player..." Betty leaned back into the couch.

"Who cares? hes the hottest of Hot! And he's the football coach's son. in Riverdale that's like dating a Kennedy!"  Kevin was grinning.

Veronica smiled and raised her eyebrows mischievously. Betty sighed and stood up, "I have to go, I have a newspaper meeting." You shot up out of your seat and grabbed your bag. "Can I walk with you? I have something to ask you." Betty nodded and you both walked into the hallway.

"So I was wondering if you had any openings in the school paper. weatherbee is actually still on my case about extracurriculars. And I think it'd be really cool."

"Well since it's just me, I think we have room for you." Betty replied as you turned the corner to the old dusty newspaper offices.

"Wow these computers are ancient..." You laughed lightly, "I wonder if we could sell them on Ebay as antiques."

"I don't think anybody would buy these things." Jughead leaned against the doorframe, his lips turned up into a faint smirk.

He turned his attention to Betty."If print journalism is dead, what am I doing here?"

The Blue and Gold isn't dead, Juggy It's just dormant. but waking up." Betty swiped some of the dust off of one of the ancient monitors. "You're writing a novel right? About Jason Blossoms murder?"

Jughead picked up a magnifying glass. "I am. Riverdales very own In Cold Blood." He held up the magnifying glass and peered through.

"Which started out as a series of articles! I'm hoping you'll come write for the Blue and Gold." Betty grinned nervously, stretching her arms out like a magician after pulling off some amazing trick.

"I just don't think the school papers the right fit for my voice." Jughead said hesitantly.

"Truman Capote worked at the New Yorker for 2 years before he wrote in Cold Blood." You added. Betty and Jugheads gazes both snapped to you with questioning looks. "What? I know stuff and it's kind of relevant the new yorker is a newspaper." you muttered defensively. Betty shook her head and turned back to Jughead.

"Juggy, Jason's death changed Riverdale. People don't wanna admit that but it's true we all feel it." Betty walked closer to Jughead. "Nothing this bad* was ever supposed to happen here, but it did. I wanna know why."

Jughead glanced away his gaze softening. "Would I get complete freedom?"

"I’ll help and edit and suggest...but it's your story, it's your voice." Jughead looked less and less convinced with each word out of Betty's mouth.

Jughead rolled his eyes with a grin, "Doesn't sound* like complete freedom...But- I'm in."

Bettys face lit up and she clapped her hands together. "Okay great! um, in that case I have your first assignment. There's one person who was at the river on July 4th that no one's talking about."

"Dilton Doiley and his scouts."

"Exactly."

Jughead smirked and flicked his nose with his thumb as he turned to walk out. But Betty called after him. "(y/n)s coming with you Juggy!" You both stopped dead.

"Wait I am?"

"She is?"

"Yes, she is. (y/n) doesn't have a lot of journalism experience so...I thought you could show her the ropes." Betty explained, with an almost pleading smile.

Jughead rolled his eyes. "Fine. come on."

You grabbed your bag and walked out after him. "You know, I think Betty is just worried about you scaring the crap out of a bunch of 11 year olds."

Jughead rolled his eyes again, but there was that familiar spark of amusement. "Meet me at the adventure scout hall tomorrow. Don't be late."

"This is gonna be fun, Jones it'll be like Sherlock with a way prettier Watson!"

The next day you got to the field outside the adventure scouts building and he was standing near the kids all lined up while Dilton Doiley lectured them. You walked over and smiled in greeting. Jughead nodded, and held up a hand for you to be quiet. Dilton was lectureing his troops about dying, or something. You didn't really catch it.

Jughead approached him, "At ease Doily we're writing an article for the Blue and Gold, hoping you can help."

"Dismissed! but stay close." Dilton ordered the kids.

"Cheryl and Archie say they heard a gunshot July 4th, but they don't know who fired."

Dilton immediately got defensive, his posture shifted and his face hardened. "Sheriff Keller already asked me about this, like I told him, my scouts and I...we didn't hear anything weird."

You narrowed your eyes in suspicion, this kid was definitely hiding something.

Jughead took a step closer to Dilton, his eyes were filled with the same suspicion as yours,"Well, did you see anything weird?" his tone was a little more accusatory than it had been, it was clear Jughead believed Doily about as much as you did.

Dilton straightened his back and crossed his arms. he glared at jughead. "A white winged crossbill, A long eared owl...oh. And Cheryl, sitting by the river soaking wet."

Jugheads expression was hard and unreadable as he stared at Dilton. You grabbed Jugheads arm and dragged him away from the other boy. "C'mon we're not going to get anything more out of Doily. He's on the defensive now."

"That's alright. I have another lead."

Later that night you met Jughead at Pops. "I'm always up for food, but how is pops a lead?"

Jughead gave you a deadpan look, "It's not the diner it's what's inside, one of Doily’s scouts was looking at us like he wanted to say something, and we're gonna find out what."

"Or maybe he was checking you out?" you joked. Which earned you a fairly impressive bitch face from Jughead.

You walked through the door with Jughead a few steps ahead, the boy from earlier was in a booth chatting with someone, who you assumed was the kid's father. The dad got up and left the table and Jughead crouched on the empty booth seat while the kid was looking away Jughead grabbed the cherry off the kids sundae and ate it. You ran a hand through your hair, immediately regretting being there.

The kid dropped his spoon and threw up his hands as the metal utensil clattered on the table. "What the hell man." his face was full of confusion, and maybe a little fear.

"I saw the way you looked at me.-"

You rolled your eyes. "Cause that didn't sound creepy Jug." you muttered under your breath.

Jughead slid the kids sundae towards himself,"-during grizzly training. you're hiding something."

The kid leaned in, "It’s scoutmaster Doiley, he's lying."

"About what?" Jughead kept eating the scouts sundae, and watched the boy with a weird expression, a mix of curious and suspicious.

"The gunshot, It was him. He was teaching us how to shoot targets."

"Dilton Doiley shot the Gun on July 4th?"

"What the hell is with this town?" You blurted out.

"He's a hardcore survivalist. He says if we don't protect ourselves, no one will."

Jughead and you exchanged a look, this was big.

The day after your confrontation with sundae boy, you were sitting in the student lounge eating a muffin and reading the article on Chuck Claytons class A douchebag status being exposed. When your phone chimed with a text from Betty telling you to get to the Blue and Gold office ASAP.

You shoved your phone in your pocket and threw the rest of your muffin away before dashing out the door and down the hall to the Blue and Gold offices.

Betty and Jughead were waiting for you when you arrived but before you had a chance to greet them or ask what was wrong Dilton Doiley walked in.

"Have a seat Doiley." Jughead said, while kicking a chair towards the space in front of the desk. Dilton straightened it and sat down, facing the three of you. Jughead jerked his chin up at him as a signal to start speaking.

"If you publish a story saying I fired that gun, my life will be ruined. I’ll be banished from the adventure scouts and charged with a misdemeanor. So, what if I have a better story?"

Jughead glanced back at you and Betty and you both shrugged and shook your heads, none of you had any idea what Dilton had to offer.

"If I tell you what I know, promise me the gunshot stays between us."

Betty walked out from behind the desk and came to stand next to you and jughead. "You have our word. as journalists."

Dilton leaned towards the three of you and dropped his voice so if anybody had been listening there was no way they would hear it. "I saw something at Sweetwater river. Something nobody else saw--Ms. Grundy's car, by the rivers edge. She was there."

"Well. shit." You said quietly.

Dilton Doiley had just opened pandora's box

[andrewdburton]

Death by a thousand cuts

I've been on the internet for a long, long time.

Via local Bulletin Board Systems, I started reading USENET newsgroups — mostly Star Trek and comic book and computer game stuff — during college in the late 1980s. I got sucked into the world of MUDs. Soon after graduating, I heard about this new thing called the World Wide Web, so I installed Mosaic on my Macintosh SE.

Before long, I taught myself HTML and built my first website. Eventually, in 1997, I started my first blog — back before blog was even a word!

I was drawn to the web (and the internet) in part because it seemed so egalitarian. Anyone could start a website about anything, and as long as they produced great stuff and shared it, people would read. I also liked the fact that almost everything was free. It didn't cost anything (besides your $19.95 monthly dial-up service) to access any of this information. The early web was a de facto sharing economy.

Best of all? The web was a wide open space, a blank slate, a platform free from dominance by mainstream media. Little people like me could have a voice.

None of this lasted long.

The Monetization of the Web

Soon, banner ads came along. I hated banner ads when they first appeared. “My site will never have banner ads,” I told my friends. (This was my first real lesson that you should never say never. My friends have been giving me grief about this for more than fifteen years!)

In 1998, Google arrived and changed everything. Until that point, web search was a miserable experience. It wasn't very good and it was overly monetized. Google was the opposite. It was amazing and had no monetization at all.

Hahahahahahahaha. How things have changed. Today, Google is all about ads. And using it is more and more a miserable experience. Look at this mess:

How long until Google has transformed itself into AltaVista?

In time, the mainstream media realized that the web wasn't going anywhere. By the early 2000s, they were treating it as an important part of their operations. By the early 2010s, the web had become the most important part of most media companies' platforms. And if it hadn't, those companies would soon be dead.

Meanwhile, two parallel (but related) trends developed.

First, there was the rise of “software as a service” (Saas). In the olden days — 1995, say — when you wanted a computer program, you went down to Circuit City and bought it. You paid for it once and you owned it forever. As “web apps” became a thing, companies shifted from one-time payments to a subscription model. Today, even big companies like Microsoft and Adobe have adopted the practice of continually charging for their products. (And if they don't use a subscription model, they often “sunset” their software, which is essentially the same damn thing.)

Second, forward-thinking sites and companies learned there was money to be made by disrupting existing business models. Netflix is a great example. Founded in 1997, this company has single-handedly destroyed multiple industries, most notably retail video. And, eventually, Netflix began to disrupt the monolithic television industry itself! Initially, this was beneficial to consumers. Now, in 2019, it's become apparent that oops, nope it's not. (See also.)

Twenty-five years ago, when the web was young, it was all about free. Anyone who could afford a computer and a $19.95/month dial-up connection was free to create and publish whatever they wanted — and free to consume what other people had created. It was like some sort of digital utopia.

Death by a Thousand Cuts

Today, the web is most decidedly not free. And it's getting less free with every passing month. Let's be honest: More and more, life online is fucking expensive. It's like death by a thousand cuts.

This morning as I was pulling together the latest edition of the GRS Insider — this site's weekly email — I experienced the proverbial straw that broke the camel's back. And that prompted this article. (And delayed the newsletter haha.)

First, I tried to read a New York Times article: “Health facts aren't enough. Should persuasion become a priority?” But I couldn't. I've already read one article from the NYT this month: “D.I.Y. Private Equity Is Luring Small Investors”. It used to be that the NYT was free. Then they instituted a limit on article consumption unless you subscribed, but it was a limit I could live with (something like ten articles per month). Besides, I could bypass the paywall with my browser's incognito mode. Then they got wise to incognito mode, which is fair enough. Now, apparently, you get one free article per month.

Next, I wanted to read this article: “Families Go Deep in Debt to Stay in the Middle Class”. I mean, I really want to read that article. But I can't. It's at The Wall Street Journal and the WSJ has been locked behind a paywall for years.

Crashing into paywalls is a daily occurence now. No — it's an hourly occurrence. I follow a promising link and bam I'm brought up short because I have to pay to access the article. This happens at newspapers, magazines, and even internet-only sites. It makes me grateful for the publications that produce terrific content and still provide it for free. (One example? I find that I'm frequently drawn to articles at The Atlantic. They provide top-notch quality without asking for payment. But for how long?)

Meanwhile, the subscription software model is starting to take its toll too. I completely understand that some apps and services require subscriptions in order to function properly. I pay a monthly fee to have Get Rich Slowly hosted on a webserver. That makes sense.

It does not make sense to me that some of the tools we use to build Get Rich Slowly require monthly (or yearly) subscriptions. There's no ongoing maintenance. There's no draw on the vendor's resources.

It does not make sense to me that my favorite weather app for the iPhone requires an annual subscription. In fact, it's insane. (Yet I still pay it.)

It does not make sense to my that Pzizz, a sleep tool that I've used for over a decade, moved from standalone pricing to subscription pricing. (And hey, Pzizz people, how many times do I have to pay for your product before you give me lifetime access? Because I've paid three or four times already.)

Generally speaking, SaaS and subscription plans aren't necessary — they're just profitable for the companies that use them. And as long as we keep paying, they'll stick to the model.

All Good Things Must Come to an End

The “cut” that's really going to mess with people's minds? The upcoming high price of television.

When Netflix and Hulu and similar companies came along, they offered low-cost alternatives to cable. Cord cutting became an act of frugality. I ditched cable television in 2007 and have never looked back. Until now.

Now, big media companies have recognized that they too can get on the act. They too can inflict one of the thousand cuts.

CBS was quick on the draw. Want to watch the latest Star Trek shows? No Netflix for you! You have to pay $10 per month for CBS All Access — or $6 per month if you're willing to put up with commercials.

Disney is a heavy hitter and they want to get in on the act. Disney+ — coming November 12th — will cost $8 per month. Want to watch the latest Marvel and Star Wars shows? Want to watch Disney and Pixar movies? This is your only option.

By far, the most popular show on Netflix is NBC's The Office, which accounts for a mind-boggling 7% of all Netflix viewing in the U.S. NBC knows a golden goose when it sees one. When its current deal with Netflix expires, it's yanking The Office and using it as a tent pole to launch its own subscription service.

Meanwhile, Netflix and Hulu and Amazon all offer their own original programming. (At least the latter is free for folks who pay for Prime, which is nearly one-third of the United States. Holy shit!) Apple will soon get in on the game and they're using big names to draw viewers: Oprah Winfrey, Steven Spielberg, Reese Witherspoon, Jennifer Aniston, and more.

Streaming used to be a cheaper alternative to cable television. As Consumer Reports notes, these days it's a toss-up. And soon, streaming is likely to be the more expensive option.

Note: The one huge advantage to this proliferation of options? Users can pick and choose which content they subscribe to. For years (or decades), folks had been asking for a la carte pricing for cable channels. Well, I guess now we have it.

No Free Lunch

To provide supporting evidence for this article, I started to make a list of all of the software subscriptions I have, my software that's being “sunsetted” and needs to be upgraded (Quickbooks 2016 just notified me yesterday that it's no longer supported), the most common paywalls I encounter, and the television-related payments I make. I gave up. It's a doable thing, but it'd take too much time right now. It's a project for another day.

I know I sound like a cranky old man (again!), but I've had enough. I'm mad as hell and I'm not going to take this anymore! Except that I probably am.

“Don't you expect to pay for services?” Kim asked me as I bitched to her this morning. “How does anybody run a business if it's free? In your mind, their business model should be to not charge the customer?”

Okay, fair point. I don't want to be taken for a choosing beggar.

As somebody who runs a website himself and knows how much it costs (in terms of time and money) just to maintain my tiny corner of the web, I absolutely do not begrudge anyone the desire to make money.

And, in fact, my biggest challenge since repurchasing Get Rich Slowly two years ago has been balancing my desire to provide excellent information without destroying the user experience with monetization. It's a delicate balance, one that I'm not sure I'm achieving. (But hey, I'm working on it!)

My frustration is that there are just so many companies extracting a pound of flesh from me. It's too much.

Yes, I realize most (of not all) of these expenses are voluntary. Yes, I realize this is capitalism in action. Yes, I realize there are often free (or cheaper) options. Yes, I realize we can't reset the internet to 1995. Believe me: I've been thinking about this issue for years now. I understand all of this stuff. But I don't like it.

In the end, my solution recently has been to KonMari my digital life. I've removed most of the apps from my iPhone and iPad, opting to cut those with subscription fees first. When possible, choose software with a one-time fee instead of an ongoing subscription. I try to steer clear of sites with paywalls. I killed Hulu. (But then Kim promptly joined.) Even though I love Star Trek and the Marvel Universe, I refuse to pay for CBS All Access and Disney+. I never will.

But then, I was never going to have banner ads on my website either, was I?

The post Death by a thousand cuts appeared first on Get Rich Slowly.

from Finance https://www.getrichslowly.org/death-by-a-thousand-cuts/ via http://www.rssmix.com/

[abbeyjackson]

Working Remote - What no one tells you

Originally written while working remotely at a large mobile app agency with several offices around the United States. Published July 10, 2016 on LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/working-remote-what-one-tells-you-abbey-jackson/

When moving my articles onto this new site I have not edited them except to fix broken links or incorrect information. I like to preserve the original mood, bad grammar and all!

https://www.pexels.com/photo/person-woman-apple-hotel-5329

My company went from 3 remote workers (I was the third) to around 20 in the time I’ve been there. I have seen people come and I have seen some people go. Remote definitely works, it can be done quite successfully, but is also definitely not for everyone. Working remotely can be really hard if your company is not 100% remote (or even if it is!), especially if you are a newer developer, which is why a lot of remote-friendly companies will only open their remote positions to experienced developers.

Most articles talk about how great working remotely is for both you and the company. Some articles talk about how to make working remote better and even some articles will tell you the best schedule you should be on. No one ever says anything bad about it. Well, I’m here to open your eyes a little because it’s not always a piece of cake.

It’s difficult to integrate into company culture

You’re not there to laugh when someone does something stupid. You don’t get the inside jokes. You don’t get to go bowling with the group, and there are no beers with colleagues in the lunchroom Friday afternoons. Being a part of your company’s social structure takes extra time and extra effort and you will never really be part of the social structure of the on-site workers in the same way as if you were there. If you want to be friends with someone you have to make a concerted effort to ask them one-to-one how their weekend was rather than joining in the group congregated in front of the coffee maker Monday morning.

Communication can be a bitch

Workers in the office are not always as quick with replies as a remote worker needs. You can’t walk up to their desk and tap them on the shoulder, you can’t quickly shout a question across the room. If they leave themselves online when they go on lunch there is no way for you to know they’re gone. If they don’t leave an away message with details there is no way for you to know when they will be back. Of course these things only matter if your company requires everyone to work the same hours. If you are working in a company with variable hours these challenges can be greater but also chances are high that in general the company’s communication style is more asynchronous. In a company like that, rather than working in a scenario where you are expected to be available and thus your workflow expects your colleagues to be available too, your work routine will be such that you expect long delays between communications.

It’s hard to take a break

You tend to work way more than you want to because you don’t have a room full of colleagues leaving for the day making you feel like you should leave too. You work the same place you live so separating work life from home life can be really challenging. There are tons of strategies to help with this, but not everyone can mentally separate themselves from their work. A lot of remote workers work a lot more than 40 hours a week because it’s really hard to sit down and turn on the tv when you know there is just one more thing you need to do on that task. Taking breaks during the day, or at least lunch, is really important to high job satisfaction and low burn out but a lot of remote workers don’t do it. As a remote worker, living in your workplace, you may find you can never stop thinking about work even when you’ve turned the computer off.

You have a skewed view of your performance

You tend to feel like you are not performing enough and therefore like you should work more because you don’t get first hand sight of other’s struggles. This can happen to anyone but is more prominent in newer developers. You are more apt to believe that everyone else is sailing through while you are the only one struggling because you aren’t hearing other people ask each other questions. You don’t get to see anyone else put their head in their hands, smack their keyboard or otherwise breakdown.

Your struggles happen in isolation

If you feel anxiety or imposters syndrome it’s much harder to break out of that paralysis when you are alone. There is no office banter happening behind you to distract you. There is no small talk at breaks except what you can get through chats. Calling someone on a hangout to talk gives things an official feel that doesn’t help when all you need is a light-hearted talk about the stupid shit your neighbour did last night. When you’re in an office this kind of stuff is available in abundance. On your own you need your own tools and strategies for dealing and you don’t get to enlist the unknowing help of others through random interactions. Plus no one is going to notice that you are struggling like they would if they saw you and observed your behaviour. You have to be self responsible and know when you need to reach out to others for real talks and for distractions otherwise you will burn out before long.

Opportunities for feedback are limited

You don’t get constant feedback like you do when you are in an office because even though we don’t realize it a colleague smiling at us is feedback that we are doing good and so you tend to experience anxiety and imposters syndrome more often. With some colleagues your only feedback may be straight up comments on your work. These are meant to help you and your team and they are most likely not meant as a negative but it’s a lot easier to take this stuff personally when you’ve never seen that person smile at you or joke around with you. Even a really confident person can be affected by this lack of interactive feedback though it may be in more subtle ways, for example showing up as lowered job satisfaction.

Maybe you have rock solid confidence, you’re great at separating work from home, and you have so many friends you’re happy to have no familiarity with your coworkers at all - what a relief! Or maybe not. It doesn’t mean you are going to dislike working remotely. Me, I absolutely LOVE working remotely, but I do experience all of these things, every single one.

Working remotely isn’t just about being able to self-motivate - though of course it does take a certain personality type to stick to a schedule - there is a lot more to it that people don’t realize. Sometimes people leave remote positions because they just can’t cope. Maybe they feel left out or they experience anxiety, or maybe they can’t separate work from home. Whatever the reason, working remotely can be pretty tough if you don’t put in the effort to overcome the obstacles. It’s incredibly rewarding though once you figure out your own magic formula!