#I’m... not sure thata the peace sign

[makemegentle]

x

[caepaecaesurae]

> CC : Tell DH You Got Dunked

Last Thursday at 5:14 PM

caepaeCaesurae Evwening chief devotedHarlequin Cae! C3< caepaeCaesurae c3<  :) An honor and a pleasure.  Howv's the evwening? devotedHarlequin it is being a well enough evening, though I were having to extract a wriggler from the heating ducts. caepaeCaesurae WVhy are they large enough for anyone to get into?

devotedharlequin it is not that they are large, it is that the wriggler is so small caepaeCaesurae trolls clamber into any space they can fit, honestly devotedHarlequin also it is having to do, I think, with carrying enough air to be being effective caepaeCaesurae hm. caepaeCaesurae I imagine there's plenty of design that goes into the things. caepaeCaesurae Had your ear to the rumor mill lately? devotedHarlequin :oO I aint done what is being the happening caepaeCaesurae Long story short, Mituna and I had a bit of a fight, but wve're doing much better nowv. devotedHarlequin Hm. And this fight is being of enough worrisomeness that you are thinking that you need to tell me, but also too trying to make it sound not so bad? caepaeCaesurae It wvas noticeable enough that there's rumors going around. Happy to tell you the full thing ovwer a drink if you wvant. caepaeCaesurae But...aye, I don't really wvant anyone getting ovwer-fussed about it. devotedHarlequin Hm. I aint gonna say no to a drink, or to be seeing you where I can be stealing kisses and for certain sure seeing with mine own eyes that you are okay caepaeCaesurae I'm not saying no to kisses.  Be there in a moment, chief. devotedHarlequin (o:

CC: Caesurae wraps himself in a cloak, and spends a while debating between walking out to the church and trying to teleport himself.  In time, he heads down to the courtyard instead, and uses the public transport pad to transport over to the church pad. DH: His ears perked at the sound of the transportalizer going off and he pocketed his pad, and dusted flour off his hands onto his apron, and walked on out thata way. Small clowns, still very young tussled and chased each other, two sweeps old and sturdy, with other older clowns keeping a close eye on them and waving at Caesurae. He was starting to be well recognized.

The door to the outside was knocked on and laborously opened by one of the adults with purple eyes with only a flew flecks of grey in them, letting in a pair of trolls with baskets full of eggs to hurry off down the hall, getting a laugh out of Arlequin as they passed.

"Cronus!" he grinned as he came into sight CC: Cronus had some recent bite and scratch marks, but they looked a lot more like Nadaya's usual than anything Mituna could've (let alone would've) done.  He grinned wryly when he saw Arlequin, wandering closer to acquire a hug and some relatively chaste cheek-kisses.  "Hey, chief -- good to see you." DH: Cro came away with new white lipstick as he drew back and Arlequin touched his face with a brush of floury knuckles {and you as well sweet voice of reason, have you eaten yet? If we're drinking it may be a good idea.} CC: It was a good thing white was part of his aesthetic.  Cronus gave a wink and a fond grin, loking up at the ridiculous giant.  "{ WVhat a fantastic notion -- I'd lovwe to, if that's an offer. }" CC: He seemed physically intact, which was possibly a nice reassurance. DH: He beconned him with a grin. {There's plenty in the kitchen, there always is, we'll get a couple of flatbreads with some meat vegitables and cream on them} did he mean a pita? He might've. He was going to watch the way Cae moved for signs of lingering injury, but he was relaxing slowly. CC: Caesurae was walking well, which was generally a good sign.  Ankle soreness came and went, but just now he was in a good enough mood it wasn't bothering him.  He followed along cheerfully, reaching up to rest a hand on Arlequin's shoulder as they walked.  "{ You're a wvonder.  I'm afraid my sylladex is busted at the moment, so I'll be making wvhatevwer I offer to drink -- so if you could havwe anything I might havwe heard of on Alternia, wvhat wvould it be? }" DH: He snaked an arm around Cae and hummed a thoughtful sound. {I don't know that you would know our brew master, so I'd have to say perhaps [small exclusive brewery for highbloods]} CC: "{ Unfortunately not, but I do knowv that one.. }"  ...he uncaptchalogued a pleasantly chilled bottle of the suggested beverage, stroking his thumb across the neck of the glassware before offering it up to Arlequin.  Tricking himself into uncaptchaloguing things he vaguely expected to have was /so much easier/ than making things out of smoke.  He wasn't sure why he'd never picked up this method before, but he liked it. DH: Arelquin took the cool bottle with raised eyebrows and a smile. {Garunteed to taste as good as you remember it} He winked at him and gently ushered him into the kitchen where a few of the boys were workin. He busied himself putting together a couple of pocket sandwhiches for them. CC: He smiled wryly and shrugged his confirmation, then came along, leaning against the counter as he 'uncaptchalogued' another and rolled it in his palms.  "{ Aye, that.  ... Pardon if I wvorried you any. }" DH: {You're strong and capable. My worry is why you're downplaying it so much.} He offered Caesurae a bread pocket wrapped in wax paper and absently ruffled one of the smaller clowns' hair. Time to head to his room. CC: "{ Is it dowvnplaying?  ..tsk. }"  He shook his head, accepting the sandwich and taking it and his drink as he followed. CC: "{ Perhaps one night I'll learn wvhy it sounds that wvay. }" DH: {It does sound so. ..When something is so important you feel the need to bring it up, but continue to volenteer that everything is fine it rattles the nerves somewhat}He told him. {..I am glad to see you truly are well} CC: ..he shook his head.  "{ My apologies for that, as wvell then. }"  A faint, sheepish smile.  "{ Maybe I'll learn not to reassure you unless you ask, somenight. }" DH: {I may have a suspicious mind.} He stepped around wrigglers and toys and made his way to his door, to hold it open for Caesurae. CC: "{ So do wve all. }"  He sidestepped the wrigglers easily, but had to swerve slightly to avoid a toy.  He bowed his head as he passed through, finding somewhere comfortable to settle, where he'd be able to immediately lean on Arlequin once the larger troll was down. DH: Arlequin settled in easily, the door wasn't locked but it was closed. He set his sandwich on a knee and  opened the miracle beer his auspistice had given him. {what happened?} CC: Caesurae sprawled out a bit, leaning against him, and taking a moment to wiggle his toes noncommitally before he started opening his own drink. CC: "{ .. WVe argued online, at first, and I managed to offend him wvithout intent.  He came to continue the convwersation face to face. }" CC: "{ There wvas a conflict.  My sylladex and many of its more delicate contents wvere destroyed, and I ended up unconscious in the bay.  He took me to Kankri, wvho eased my panache and wvoke me.   ...after a bit of convwersation, I think wve'vwe resolvwed evwerything, and are nowv at peace, wvith a greater dedication and fewver misunderstandings.  He's resolvwed to fix evwerything that wvas broken, and wvorks at it yet. }" CC: He managed to get his beverage open after all that, and glanced up at Arlequin finally, fin shifting. DH: Arlequin turned that over in his mind, considering, then glanced down at him quickly, eyes going to his chest, looking for an amulet. CC: He had his quadrant jewelry on, but no other adornments.  A violet seadweller in a leather jacket. DH: (the clover is what hes looking for)) CC: (( should still have it, yes )) DH: He relaxed a little when he saw the encased clover and quietly wrapped an arm around him and hugged him against his side. {It sounds as if he were extremely angry, what did you say to him that got him so worked up?} CC: Caesurae relaxed into the touch, but sighed slowly as he leaned against the larger troll.  "... Apparently I implied he wvas damaged and I wvould havwe to make a decision for him.  He wvasn't answvering questions, so I had to guess, and I seem to havwe guessed Exactly WVrong." CC: "And nowv I knowv not to do that." DH: "..Ah." He murmured and held the sea dweller against him. {He hates that. My memories and emotions are mixxed but that I think is the thing he hates most in creation. Being viewed as broken and having choices taken from him.} He frowned.

{..I am not surprised but it doesnt excuse fucking attacking you.} CC: Caesurae leaned against the larger troll, and set his drink down so he could pat Arlequin's chest gently.  "{ ..He's concerned there wvill be trouble for him from this.  I don't particularly care as long as he behavwes in the future. }" CC: "{ ...I wvas startled at the time, but there's no lasting harm. }" DH: He grumbled an unsatisfied noise, and leaned down to kiss a horn. {It is your right to decide your feelings in this, you are the one he hurt. ..And I know that if I say anything against him the wrath of the entire palace will come against me in any case} CC: "{ ..It wvill not, }" He leaned into the attention, then kissed a shoulder.  "{ ..You can speak your mind, and he wvorries about your anger.  I request that you make no threats, but that is my opinion. }" CC: "{ All is wvell, and you and I are safe. }" DH: {I am not stupid enough to threaten a former slave, even beyond the political and justice repercussions. .. I do care about him, whether I would prefer to or not, as well. I wonder if he understands that neither of us would raise a hand to him at all?} He shook his head. CC: "{ ... I don't knowv wvhether he believwes, but I think he is becoming awvare of that on my end at least.  ..One reason that I am glad wve spoke. }" DH: {I am going to have to consider how to express that I'm angry with him without frightening him.} He frowned and started eating his sandwhich. CC: Caesurae snuggled in, quietly starting to eat his own as if in response.  He didn't speak, for a few minutes after that. DH: {He would bait others. when we were young, into fights. Do you remember?} DH: {He is an adult and needs to take charge of his actions during his mood swings.} CC: "{ He is regretful, and wvishes I wvere angry. }" DH: {Of course he is} He sighed. CC: "{ ... It is no intentional act of comeuppance, but I find it difficult to believwe he doesn't havwe the right. }"  nom. DH: {I entirely understand that feeling, although you may want to make sure and give him some pushback, otherwise hes gonna think you're playing him.} What a good sandwich CC: "{ ..I wvill try to remember.  I think he is somewvhat convwinced, though. }" CC: "{ .. He found some things among my effects that suggest I am being truthful. }" DH: {remember when I used to drive you up a wall waitin for you to hate me?} CC: He hesitated, then sighed audibly.  "{ There wvere legitimate reasons to be concerned my opinion wvould change. }" DH: He leaned down and kissed his head. {Let him decide how he feels about you and how to deal with that, I already fucked up enough trying to figure that out for both of us} CC: Caesurae leaned against him, quietly.  "{ ... I wvill try. }" CC: "{ Do you regret asking me to judge?  ... Or do you mean something else? }" DH: He snorted softyly and decided to squeeze him. {I do not regret the judgement, but he is already in the state of mind needed to judge you, Caesurae, and has already decided what he wants} DH: {Imagine if I had decided you judged wrong and followed you around with the knife trying to get you to kill me} CC: ...He glanced up slightly more quickly, fins lowering visibly, when Arlequin mentioned Psii had already decided.  There was visible concern.  The fins shifted slightly as Arlequin went on. CC: ".. He has not mentioned any judgement.  Does he fear I wvould ... ?" DH: "..Caesurae I am speaking of deciding that he wishes nothing." DH: "There is coming a point where insisting on punishment is being more for you, than for him." CC: His fins pinned.  "... If he says he wvants nothing, he can havwe it, but he Does Not.  He has the right, and alwvays wvill, wvhether he takes it or not -- and that doesn't mean he /has/ to, he just /can/." CC: "I'm not -- I'm not trying to tell him he has to ..." DH: "..It sounds as if you are" CC: He made a face, reding his cheek on Arlequin irritably, sandwich held out of the way. CC: "I don't ask him about it, I don't tell him unecessarily, it's just there." DH: "You dont gotta use words to be doing the thing, Cae." he took a sip of his beer. CC: Low, irritable grunt. CC: "..Havwe you talked of this often?" he grumbled softly. DH: "What lettin people pick their own judgement? I mighta done some sermons on it." CC: He chuffed in annoyance.  "WVith /Mituna/." DH: "Oh! Nah, just him tellin me for my own misdeeds toward him. An knowin his younger self." Sip CC: Caesurae glanced away grumpily, not entirely convinced. DH: "You think I'm in any position to be gettin personal conversations bout how he feels about other people?' He smiled at the ceiling. "..Though he did tell me I aint fucked up so bad we caint be friends, which I'm real happy about" CC: Caesurae leaned against Arlequin, and vaguely felt like crawling into a hole, the advice only making him less certain of how to approach the mess.  He'd...thought he knew.  Kind of.  Now there was some entirely new thing to be self conscious about though. CC: "...I am glad for you," he said softly. DH: "thanks, gonna take some work but maybe I aint so big a fuck up." he hummed. "hear you n him're already friends." CC: The softest, most dubious little grunt. DH: "..its prolly gonna be okay unless you're as stupid as me an I ain think thats possible." CC: ".. Howv'd I start that fight again?" DH: "still aint trickin people into attackin you then ritually sacraficin them an eatin them." he mused. "prolly fine." CC: After a moment, his lip twitched despite himself. CC: ..slow, soft, incredulous laughter, followed by a facepalm over the visible half of his face. CC: "..I lovwe you.  WVhy is he this tolerant?" DH: He grinned when he got a laugh. Good. "love you too- donno, I blame Kankri." CC: "Somehowv.  ...Fuck, chief." CC: "..Thank you."  He will never top Arlequin.  Arlequin is the biggest.  At everything. DH: He kissed the top of his head. "Perspective is important." CC: "It.. ...I guess so." DH: "The beer's nice, your memory's good." CC: He wasn't sure why he was blushing, but he buried his face again, snuggling in.  "..For some things." DH: Apparently it was time to squeeze hug the big sea dweller. "..glad you're okay an things aint terrible” CC: "...aye," he agreed after a moment.  "..They're not."  He was quiet a moment before cuddling again. DH: "Its nice to be having you over." he murmured to him. CC: "..should stop by more often." DH: A quiet dubious noise. "Don wanna startle the preacher." CC: "..wvell, /I/ should stop by /here/ more often." DH: "..ah yeah, you know I hear some parts of a sentence oughta be included when you say shit" CC: "...Sorry, chief.  I think wvords aren't my bag this wveek." CC: "I'll wvork on it." DH: "..it aint bother you to be around allt he little brothers and sisters?" he murmured. CC: "..It...depends.  But I'm getting there." DH: "I'm glad. All these lil clowns is sweet as anything most the time when they aint bitin each other cause they bored." CC: "..WVhat wvill be done about their boredom?"  Aside from.. diplomatic talks so they could go outside more. DH: "work, plenty of work with the sheep an the chickens and the cookin and cleanin and buildin on more parts to the church and makin leather things and paintin shit and carvin horns and bones and their learnin of course they gotta spend somma the night in learnins.." CC: He nodded slightly, tracing a shape on the clown's chst.  After a few moments, he started to turn, so he could resume nibbling at his sandwich. CC: He realised on some level that the part of him that had been dead and more than a little crazy would be horrified by his current position cuddled into Arlequin.  ..there was this tiny whiff of Kurloz, though ... CC: "...of most of a sweep of solid friendship... CC: ".. I'll growv used to them in time.   They growv slowvly enough." DH: "Seems so fast to me, some nights" he murmured. CC: "You look forwvard to seeing wvho they wvill become." DH: "So much, its excitin, I'm.. tryin not to get more attached to the purples than the other shades cause it aint fair but.." CC: "..they'll last longer.  ...Aye, best to be fair, but I understand." DH: He made a soft disgruntled sound. "..I've had many loves, lesser and greater amoung the warm hues." CC: "Evwen the briefest of trolls can movwe mountains." DH: "An the cooler of us may die from somethin long before a warm blooded troll does.." CC: "And fuck knowvs if in a realm of magic and technology wvith so many wvarm in powver, if they'll finally be able to fix the longevwity problem." CC: "..Livwe in the moment, it's a brand newv wvorld." DH: "..I plan to, although I aint good at not plannin and working toward a future neither." he gestured around them with his bottle. "suppose I coulda stayed in the castle and loafed a while longer." CC: "I wvonder howv that wvould havwe changed things.." DH: "coulda ended with people bein more familiar and relaxed with me ..coulda ended in kankri havin a melt down and my ass gettin killed before they figured out why he was bleedin.." CC: He softly papped a clowntit, chuffing.  "..wvhich I wvouldn't havwe allowved." DH: "..And if it were Mituna who did it?" CC: A momentary pause, before gamely trying to resume.  "..I wvould relate the issue to his descendant, gather Kankri's aid in turning Mituna after Kankri inevwitably forgivwing any slight against his person, and set the situation to rights." DH: He grunted. "You mean ressurect me" CC: He hesitated, then rested his cheek against Arlequin, shoulders falling. CC: "..Nevwer wvithout your permission." CC: "Any wvho harmed you /that much/ wvould havwe Problems of their owvn, soon enough." DH: He set his bottle down and stroked his hand gently down Caesurae's back. "I got a lot to live for, right now, but the carneval's been callin me a long time." CC: It was not hard to see a circumstance where his friend who had enjoyed death and his friend who was waiting for death could leave him as one of the last highbloods, for a moment.  Caesurae hesitated, then settled slowly.  "..I knowv," he answered.  "..In due time." DH: {In time, not now- call me back, if I go before the church can stand on its own.} He murmured. CC: "...Aye," he answered softly, resting his cheek against the chest of the troll he'd really, really, really, really wanted to murder at a point not too many sweeps in the past. DH: He brought his hand up from his back and rested it against the back of his head, breathing out a slow soft sigh. CC: "..I think I'm a bit..scattered, tonight," he said softly. DH: "You was attacked by an angry psionic then set upon by every motherfucker in the world an hadda defend him without even gettin to take time for recoverin." He noted. CC: "...I awvoke to the middle of a convwersation wvith him, and Kankri wvanted to talk about ..something.. right after," he noted softly. DH: He stroked his fingers at maddeningly short hair lightly. "you wanna drink and rest an talk bout pretty girls?" CC: Much softer, and after a few beats, "..I wvouldn't mind." DH: "..but what is it being that you would like?" he asked in a soft rumble. CC: His expression creased slightly, and he managed a weak smile.  "..I should probably actually start my drink."  He headrattled slightly, trying to draw his composure back up around himself.  "I wvould lovwe to rest, chief." DH: "lets do that then, no more talk of terrible things, tell me about Mindfang's breasts." he patted at him. CC: A soft snort.  "..you'vwe seen them more recently than me.  ... .. sorry, for still being on edge." DH: "I know but you can get damned poetic about them." He chuckled. "..nah, shh, we gon make this fun an get you relaxed." CC: His cheeks colored, but he eased slightly.  "I apparently get poetic about a number of the finer things in life." DH: "You wanna smoke? I'll share." He asked. CC: "..Sure, chief.  You're a wvonder." DH: "spreadin miracles all around" He dug out his little tin and his pipe, lets give this poor troll some relax time. CC: Caesurae settled a bit, cuddled with a giant troll, and tried not to be anxious about attack or self-conscious about his ability to assess social situations safely.  He would eat his sandwich, drink his drink, and enjoy quietly smoking with someone who was on a different place in his personal safety radar than most of the rest of his clade.  Not better, not worse, just different.

DH: ((sounds like a wrap)) CC: (( sounds like it -- I can post it with the tumblr IM thing on the front )) DH: ((sounds good to me :D ))

[inthewordsofahalfgoddes]

Free Writing

I went out on saturday and had a blast. I was wild, free and enjoyigng all the attention i was getting. I felt like i was shining and it felt really good. I met a lot of people and though i was still in control of myself I let people express their drunk seleves. I learned a long while back that making connections while people are drunk willl lead to nothing lol. People are free when they are drunk but go back to being closed off. i guess I should say they go back to being their sun signs/risings more so then their moon signs. People projected so much onto me it was kind of funny. I actually enjoy being drunk and in that frame of mind ebcause people re free and i can sit back and observe their interactions. It was crazy though. I always walk away from going out with an interesting take on people and myself. So i met this guy while out and apparently he’s a well known artists around here. i was interested to know that he actually was who he siaid he was. We ended up going back to his place and I ended up sleeping with him. not gonna lie it was good. I woke up at his palce the enxt morning  and ended up fuckig and sucking him more. It felt so good. like I forgot it was lilith season and my body is lie fucking crying out for sex it scars me a litle. Because I feel like people can sense it so i have to be careful about how I go out and who i ama round. lilith really don’t play T_T magic mike even said that those who are trying to b celebate won’t be able to escape it and here i am fucking people T_T it was okay though. I didn’t beat myself up over it. I do keep my sexuality contained like 99% of the time to avoid problems so once in a while letting her come out to play is good for me. I still need more but I have to pace myself. I met so many people when i went out and made an interesting connection. I remeber thinkign to myself ‘is this what i manifested?’. this partying scene has put me in a very unique and new environment and I’m not sure if i should go through it or retreat back. See i was asked if I would strip. And at first i was like nooo wtf nahhh I don’t want that shit following me when i go on to do my own shit but as I sat their thinking about it i realized that this matrix and system has a cheat code that does have its dangers but the rewards may outweigh the consequence. It’s not illegal and i would be able to pay for my schooling and actually support people around me. one of the things i wanted to doa s soona s I made a lot of money was to do a lot of anonymous donations to things. Like i was thinking about the money i could make and what i could do once i got it. like i want to open up a school for children where I give them a very good educationa nd produce amazing students who will innnovate and save mama africa. I want to buy and renovate old abandoned houses and give it back to the hood. i want my people from around the world to be safe and dreamign again. this system has really fucked everyon up. the diaspora is healing but it is not healing fast enough. i also want to set up a safe house for when shit hits the fan. i want to have it laoded with weapons, seeds, survivial equipment and information to help whoever gets to it. i want to ensure all my siblings know whwre it is so that they can go there if i am not around when things get bad. I have all these plans and money is singlehadnedly the thign holding me back. I have about 6 years to make things happen and to secure myself so i feel like if i play the game smart, get in, make my money, invest in things, create multiple streams of income, keep my mouth shut and focus I can do this safely and queitly. I still have tot hink about it mroe though. i want to talk to nampende about it too because I want her opinion. ughhh this has put me at a crossroad. anyways I have never been told i was beautiful by so many people. it was kind of enw to me but i took the compliemnts nicely and felt gracious with it. though i hate when people project jealousy onto me with complients thata re veield lol. i try to make other people shine too though cause I want eevryon to feel great lol i felt like such a hype man. One thing that was crazy to me though was i was drunk right and didnt feel good at this guys place. but i was also really horny and wanted to fuck but like i didn’t feel good so my dumbass was calling out for jesus??????????????????????????????????????? I’m a little upset with myself for wanting him around me when i felt not good and like thats a testimony to my attachment to him. We’ve been doign well as friends all we do is watch dbz abridged togetehr, make jokes, he annoys me with his fucking impressions which are like spot on like errily close. anyays we being big ass nerds and shit and its kind of cute like he’s being so fucking cute and shit and i’m a lil suspsicious  because i’m trying to understand why he’s changed. He;s being really sweet to me and nice and wants my attention and shit ooooh wait i remember now. its caused i told him i only missed him 7/10 when he asked and he was a bit sad (or fake sad cause this boy gets fake mad bout everything cause he a troll lmao). maybe he tryna chnage that make me like him more idk i’m treating him like a friend and keeping a bit of distance but like he’s getting me to open upp more and i’m like aaahhh whyy??? let me be distant pls lmao. he got something up his sleeve lol or it could be me just being apranoid and not trusting him which is highly probable. I sometimes fall back  inot my ‘how could anyone like me’ mindframe which is a reflection of  me at a low sense of self worth. I wonder what purpose the univerese is arranging my life for. I find it strange just how i meet so many prominent people, get into the sreas I wanna get into and like just get to expand my pool of people i know. I have been looking into my ascendent and yep seems about right with my leo ascendent and sag sun. recently i have been feeling down and disconnected with my spiritual self. I felt weighted down by something and i think its like a warning for something dk. or maybe things are changing. i noticed that when i start feling down it usually means something new is going to happen. i constantly ask for change and refinment from pluto and since he odoes take forever to make his cycle i may not feel the changes for a bit. i just ughh idk i’m at a crossroads again and i have to be careful with the choices I make. I will meditae on it, figure out where i need to go and then see if i can manifest it. I mean i managed to manifest allthese connections all this shit like wow it amazes me. the luck of the sag and leo is crazy. i want to spread it to everyone i know. i just want happiness, money, beauty and a peaceful world where i can help people heal. eventually i want to have my clinic some palce nice and sunny where i can help people heal. if i cana chieve thee goals i will be happy. anyways love myself the world and everyone.