#I'm far from perfect

[idontmindifuforgetme]

lived my whole life in guilt bc i thought i was responsible for people's feelings. newly realizing that other people are responsible for their feelings and reactions, even if they make it seem like i'm the problem. a lot of the time it really has to do w them and their own emotional regulation. i can't keep thinking i'm not allowed to have space bc of other people's insecurities. like i literally refuse to dim myself. other people are responsible for their feelings just as i'm responsible for mine.

[mauvearts]

What has become of you ...?

[sevastiel]

A Thousand Lifetimes

Drifter appreciation piece :3

[ilivelikeimtrying]

I love this place

Basically it's the aspect of having to be perfect your whole life even though you know you're not. Like, I started out clumsy and all over the place and imaginative and impulsive but my parents expected everything of me to be perfect and if it wasn't it was....

And I don't know when it happened, but at some point I started setting a standard for people about me. I was suddenly an example, I was confident and put together and elegant and everything my family and the people around me (aside from my friends and siblings) wanted. People started bragging about me for once and some people gloating.

The mindset of "fake it till you make it" became my personal motto. Put on a smile, shrug off the hate and mistakes, keep your back straight and your head high and dress nice and look good. Professional.

Be someone people want to know and you'll always have opportunities.

Being who you are gets you nowhere, being who they want can get you anywhere.

I, on the other hand, just became more and more tired. I started hating the parts of me that reminded me of when I was a kid, but I think I remember posting a while ago that I was done hating that little girl, because she ultimately didn't do anything wrong.

Then, this semester happened in Uni and I started faltering. My grades and scores became average, which were fine because I still padt the first year, but this year... I don't know... I'm just so tired.

But I also feel so embarrassed.

I turned a paper in that isn't even close to something I would usually turn in. I did a presentation in front of important people that went embarrassingly bad.

I lost myself.

I began doing things in a way everyone else was doing, because they were doing it the right way.

I was wrong, of course. What worked for them doesn't work for me but I realized too late. Suddenly cracks started appearing and I don't know what to so. I started going back to who I was before I had it all together.

Growing up all they ever wanted us to be was perfect and finally I achieved what that means to them but if I'm not that now, then who am I?

If I'm anything less than that, then who am I?

I looked back into some old notes of mine a few days ago and saw who I was. How things worked when I did them my own way, and not theirs. How things stopped working when I changed it.

I see the goofy sketches and writing, I see the messy letters and little fic ideas written on the side, I see the notes I took along side the many eyes I drew, and I see a whole policy report I wrote on my own with nothing but paper and ink that I got a good fricking score for.

People keep telling me when I reach their age I'll understand that this is all part of growing up. That I'll get that this is just how life works.

But I already understand that.

I already know that.

That doesn't stop the feeling of embarrassment and humiliation in my chest, that doesn't stop the anxiety that keeps me up at night, that doesn't stop me from being 22.

Maybe they're right, maybe one day it'll stop and I'll be okay, but I feel this way now.

Maybe I'll be 47 or 50 one day, but I'm still 22 now, and it still hurts.

Had a full-blown Ambrosius style breakdown and hoo-boy does it make good writing material.

[electrikworm]

Since it's Wrecker Wednesday, I made a quick drawing of my favourite batcher :)

[deoidesign]

when your main characters start dating after years of writing so they finally get to be like this

[hotasfahrenheit]

let's go

[Perfect 10 Liners 01.08]

[chatonmagique]

- Campaign has been vetted

- New campaign: Low in donations

Signal boost!

Since the end of 2024 I've been advocating for Mohammed's campaign. @save-mohamed-family

I'm incredibly thankful that despite my small blog my last post managed to reach so many people. The donations made it possible to treat Mohammed's wife in the hospital.

Recently Mohammed shared his ideas about starting a new campaign specifically with the goal to rebuild a home for his family. He also shared his worries about wether the campaign would do well.

Mohammed's highest priority has always been to look after his family. Every 5 dollar/euro donation helps him do that and brings him one step closer to reach his goal.

Let us all help Mohammed and his family out and share this new campaign so Mohammed continues to recieve the support that his family needs!

Mohammed is putting his faith in our hands to continue sharing his story. Please, especially if you have a good amount of followers, consider supporting this campaign to reach as many people as possible.

Vetted here:

#192 https://docs.google.com/spreadsheets/u/0/d/1yYkNp5U3ANwILl2MknJi9G7ArY4uVTEEQ1CVfzR8Ioo/htmlview?pli=1#gid=0

Tagging for reach:

@sar-soor @heba-20 @el-shab-hussein @90-ghost @soon-palestine@ibtisams @marnota @riding-with-the-wild-hunt @i-am-aprl @northgazaupdates @fallahifag @fairuzfan

[pridoo]

Hi everyone! I'm opening commissions for the first time!

How to commission me: Send me an ask on tumblr (you can also tell a little about your commission idea!), and I'll reply with my email address. You can also ask about schedules and if you have any further questions.

Additional to the above, I can also draw 1-2 paged comics – the price depends on the complexity and length. You can always ask!

Comms are for personal use only (pfps, DnD characters, so on).

Fanart and OCs are ok! Note that in naughty commissions no minors applies in every sense: no customers and no characters under 18!

I'm looking forward to working with you! Thanks for having me! 🙏✨

[arrgh-whatever]

I'm in love with Coruina's redesign! They all really good, but she's looking majestic right now. But I have a question-

Do they still have their names? Or would you rename them like you did with Maric?

Thank you!! I realized that Corvina wouldn't ever wear a silly hat and a more majestic outfit suits her personality better

And yeah, they still have their names! No way I would ever want to rename Banana

[merry-death]

I still have to weave in the ends and block it, but the actual knitting is done!!!

[sysig]

Do not separate them /threatening (Patreon)

[chinzhilla]

If you make me shy again, I'll really go home. Oh, come here. I'm not letting you go. I'm sleeping with my boyfriend tonight.

[lienwyn]

Kang Yo Han in his natural habitat, as observed by Kim Ga On

OR

You want to fuck that old man so bad it makes you look stupid

[walkingstackofbooks]

I had a fun (awful) idea and can't think of what to do with it, so I'm going to inflict it on you. (I mean this affectionately, please ignore this if you're not up for misery right now!)

Julian, while in the mirror verse with Kira, is subjected to some... very specific and harrowing torture. Except Kira never finds out about this. The only person who knows about what happened to him is Smiley, the mirror verse O'Brien, who helps keep him together. Julian thinks he can take this as yet another secret no one ever has to know, and reassures Smiley that even in his own sparkly nice universe this has happened to him before and he'll be fine.

Cue, a year or so later, Smiley dragging Sisko into the mirror universe, and during a little rant from Sisko about how sadistic Mirror Bashir is and how no one from HIS Starfleet would be so cruel even to an enemy, Smiley just scoffs and rolls his eyes and says "oh yeah, so what about your Doctor Bashir, huh? Who did that to him then, huh?"

Sisko returns to his own universe with the knowledge that not only was Julian Bashir assaulted and tortured a year ago and never said a single word to anyone about it, but that it was not the first time he'd endured something like that. Sisko has no idea what he's supposed to do with this knowledge, but he does watch Julian very, very closely afterwards, hoping for some hint or sign or tell that he can jump on to confront Julian and drag this out in the open, because if any of what Smiley said was true, Julian should have been given regular counselling before he even arrived on the station...

I can't work out how to have Sisko confront him and have some comfort happen, so as I said, I'm just inflicting this on you for fun.

Nonnie, this was absolutely delightful, thank you for inflicting this upon me!! I've had MANY thoughts, so putting this under a cut!

Ohhh, the idea Sisko being so protective over Julian but having to do it from afar gives me SO many feelings ❤️❤️❤️ The idea of him quietly watching Julian with this whole new perspective, and because he is observant, picking up on things he'd never noticed before (and wondering how he hadn't noticed them - maybe reflecting on his and Julian's time in Past Tense and spotting things there, too?)

But also, the fact that he'd be wondering if he's reading too much into what he sees, perhaps, or if what he's noticed is due to the torture a year ago, or the pre-DS9 "similar incident"...

I think Sisko would both be obligated to and want to ask Julian about the torture he experienced in the mirror universe, and why it went unreported. He'd be very gentle with it, but hopefully also firm that Julian needs to start having sessions with counsellor Telnorri. Julian's very stiff and wooden and factual about the whole thing - he knows the torture affected him, but he's repressed it for this long, and he's worried that he'll struggle to keep his secret if he's having this very similar torture poked at in counselling.

(But since Sisko is completely insistent - and Starfleet would be too, once he's amended his report - he has to go along with it, and just come up with a way to protect himself. During his first session, he ends up "confessing" to having nightmares of the mirror universe, "but it's happening to me in our universe, as a child. I know they're not real, but they've happened often enough that when I first wake up, it takes me a few moments to realise that."

Which Telnorri believes and assures him is a normal trauma response, and yep, it sure works as a good cover for times when he's getting emotional and panicky and slips into adigeon trauma rather than torture trauma, because whenver he now says something like "my parents", Telnorri will gently correct him with a "that was just dream, Julian". Julian has never been more grateful for Garak's lessons, not has he ever understood Garak's "the truth is in the lies" lesson so completely.)

Anyway - back to Sisko. He still has no idea what could have happened to Julian pre-DS9. He wonders if it could have been a mission gone wrong while he was a cadet, if this not-reporting torture is a pattern that Julian's done before - or even if it could have ended up being something classified, that Julian can't talk about... He can't find anything in Julian's records where that sort of thing would make sense, but it's the only way he can think of Julian ever being in a situation where torture was on the cards. He definitely doesn't believe that it was Starfleet, and the idea that Julian might have been a child - that it could have been his own parents - doesn't even occur to him.

Until Julian's parents arrive in his office. It takes him a couple of minutes to realise what he's seeing, because he still has the blind spot around child abuse, the firm notion that "parents = good!", but this Sisko has spent nearly two years taking note of Julian's body language and so this time, he spots how uncomfortable and distressed Julian is by his parents' sudden arrival, and is deeply disturbed.

He still wouldn't connect the dots straight away - noticing Julian's discomfort is a far cry from assuming his parents were responsible for his torture - but he does usher them out of his office fairly quickly, saying that he's sorry, but he needs to return to his meeting with Doctor Bashir and so Lieutenant Dax will find them quarters. And then he turns to Julian and asks him what's wrong, and Julian tries to tell him he's fine but that doesn't work because Sisko knows him, has sat with him through difficult times (most recently, post-prison-camp) far too often not to be able to tell that something's wrong.

But although Julian has come to trust and rely on Sisko with work-related trauma problems, he's too surprised and naturally cagey about his childhood to let Sisko in too much, even on a level of "my parents didn't treat me well". He gives him the most basic line that he gave Zimmerman - "We don't get along" - and asks to be dismissed. the rest of the episode happens pretty much as normal (although I think I'd like Sisko to head across to check on Julian later in the day, just at the right time to find him slumped against the wall outside his quarters after his fight with his parents.)

And when Julian's parents go to Sisko to try and sort out Julian's secret being exposed, the tension is palpable, his disdain for them eivident even through his self-restraint. And as he asks more questions abuot what the genetic engineering entailed - even though the Bashirs stick to a factual telling and wouldn't describe it as painful or hurtful, and definitely not as torture - a sinking feeling starts to grow in his stomach that this is the answer to the question that's haunted him ever since that day in the mirrorverse.

I haven't actually thought about what happens next - I keep skipping backwards and forward between other scenes and episodes this idea might impact because there are so many delicious ideas! - but hmmm. I think this Sisko would want to include Julian more in the discussion, but also not want him to spend any more time around his parents than he has to. He'd aks Julian to report to his office and ask the Bashirs to wait outside while he tells Julian about his idea to contact Admiral Bennet. Whicih Julian would be really reluctant about but Sisko says something like, "I don't want to lose you. Do you trust me?" and Julian replies "You really think you can change Starfleet's policy?" and Sisko's honest, with "Not their policy, no. But I think - and I can't make any promises - but I think I can persuade them to make an exception. Will you let me?"

And then it goes through pretty much the same way, apart form Sisko definitely doesn't let Julian alone with his parents at all, and once it's sorted asks Julian to go back to his quarters with him, giving Julian the time to decompress and process everything that's just happened.

Eventually - maybe not that day, but soon after - Sisko does ask him: "The genetic engineering - your time in hospital. From the way your parents described it, it sounded... very distressing." And bit-by-bit, Julian opens up about it and it's very much confirmed to Sisko that this must be the experience Smiley was referring to.

(In his first counselling session after this, before he's even touched on the hospital trauma at all really, Telnorri asks, "So, those recurring dreams you had about your parents - do you think the way they treated you as a child affected how easily you found yourself believing that dream." Which... is far more on the nose than he realises, and Julian breaks into slightly hysterical laughter, realising he's going to have to talk about how he's had dreams of his parents delivering him to the torture hospital for far longer than since his experience in the mirror world, and having it sink in even more how incredibly fucked-up this all is.)

--

Oh god, I think I'm going to stop there, but you have no idea how much more of this is in my head - just it's far too much for me to write down! Honestly, I've practically got half an AU sorted out of how this would affect their relationship and its so soft and I have no idea if I'll be able to get any more of it down on paper 😭 But thank you so much for this idea, it's ✨inspired✨. If I do write any more, I'll tag it with "Sisko&Julian AU ask" <3

[cecoeur]

Daniel at the Piquadro event in Milan | 8.28.24