#I'm...kind of a mess today tbh sorry

[cuntyhunty22]

Guilty as sin : chapter 1

Summery : you move home after being gone for years.. you are trying to adjust to life back home after dealing with heartbreak. You didn't know to heal a heart it would take two people who happen to be brothers.

Word count: tbh I'm unsure.. but ITS A LONG ONE. (I should have broke it up part 2 is already almost finished)

This will be multiple parts let me know if you want tagged.

Pairing : Joel!dbf x reader : Tommy x reader

Tags : age gap , SMUT , language, love triangle, cream-pie (be smart about that) , oral:f:receiving, oral:m:receiving , fingering, squirt, daddy use (once) Dom Joel , slight sub Joel . (I am sure I'm missing things but you get it. )

Reader is a mess.. but we love her 🫶🏼

Music recs : guilty as sin : Taylor swift

Francesca : hozier

Love you tonight : Ella Langley

Somebody else : the 1975

Delicate : Taylor swift

Love song : Lana del Rey

For the past three years you have been studying abroad. England, Spain, Norway. Pretty much anywhere you could go to travel and learn you did. Now you are home for the summer...

The sun beams into your childhood bedroom followed by the sound of a lawn mower. You groan into your pillow, still very much jet lagged. You have been trying to get yourself back on to this time schedule. You lay there for a moment before finally giving in and getting up. You throw on a pair of little boxer shorts and a tiny cami then you head downstairs. You pop your headphones in as that's apart of your morning routine. It's always a good day when you start with music. You start a pot of coffee dancing around the kitchen, then you open the refrigerator rummaging through looking for coffee creamer. Your dad prefers his coffee black but he always has some stashed for you. Your favorite, French vanilla. You're practically bent over in the fridge searching when you finally find it. You back up quickly running your back into what felt like a brick wall. Strong Hands touch your waist just to push you forward. You spin around to see your dad's best friend standing there... Joel miller.

"Mornin kiddo how are ya."

You still have your headphones in as you stare at him bewildered. embarrassed.. kind off.

"Huh sorry.. was listening to music."

You crack a smile. He stands in front of you, a few feet taller. That teeshirt hugging him just right. Tan skin, dark brown eyes....

You snap out of it realizing you were staring.

"You kids and your technology. I asked how are ya..?"Joel scoffs annoyed that you weren't paying attention. He's always been kind of a grumpy man.

"Jet lagged, I made coffee if you want some." You gesture to the coffee pot In the corner like he hasn't been in Your house a billion times. You dont know what's gotten into you but he's making you nervous. He looks different... a good different.

Your dad enters the kitchen sitting down at the kitchen table.

"Morning honey, I see Joel came in and said hello. Told him earlier you were home... Oh you made coffee! Wonderful."Your dad smiles ear to ear.

He has really missed you. As of now his house is completely empty. You have been abroad and your baby sister has moved to teach less fortunate children.

"He did, and yeah couldn't relax between the bright sun and the loud ass lawn mower..." you let out a yawn.

You peek over to see Joel looking at you.. your legs mainly. Afraid you caught him, his head snaps in the opposite direction.

"Ah yeah sorry honey should have thought about that. Supposed to get super hot today so Joel and I here, were trying to get some yard work finished before it's unbearable out."Your dad sipping on his coffee, scrolling through his phone.. on espn probably.

"I have to go to aunt dollys wedding rehearsal later anyway.. and the pre wedding party is tonight. Thought about hitting the mall for some clothes."

Joel still standing leaning up against the counter.

"Joel you gotta go to that too dontcha? you're like Randy's best man.?"

You look at him waiting for him to respond to you.

"Yeah I'll be there."

His grip on the coffee cup tightens as you walk past him to sit down at the table.

"Joel could you drive her? I gotta go pick up her sister from the airport would be just easier." Your dad asks.

You look over at him, your eyes glisten in the sun. Joel has driven you places tons of times. Between movies with Sarah his daughter or high school football games when he'd scare the boys away.

Sarah and you are about 4 years apart.

"Yeah- yeah uh I can. S'not a problem." Joel shrugs.

"Lovely we can catch up. Dad I'm gonna try to nap, respond to a few emails, see you later.. love you."

You kiss your dad's head, leaving Joel with a smile before grabbing your cup of coffee and heading to your bedroom.

•

Once you are upstairs you lay there for a moment. Images of Joel flood your brain... the stubble on his face, his strong features, the slight grey patches in his beard and hair. You roll over groaning not knowing why this is why you are thinking about. You blame it on jet lag. You pop open your laptop, doing your daily scroll. There is something you have been avoiding but you gave in. You typed in your exs name..

He was one of the reasons you even moved abroad. You had met him here in college. You fell in love and he convinced you to move to England. Things were great they really were, but you both just became busy with life. Eventually you agreed to take time away.. that's been about 10 months now. You guess he's been dating someone but you haven't spoken to one another. Just some things you have heard. You have really just been focusing on yourself.

His profile popped up.. he's currently on vacation in Greece (a place he has always promised to take you )

You click through the posted pictures and there is one of your old roommate from London.. Then it hits you.. that's why you havent heard from her.. why she has ghosted you.

That's who he has been dating.

You scoff

"fuckin asshat." You mumble to yourself.

You slam the laptop shut. Pop your head phones in, and shut your eyes... you relax a bit.. dozing off..

"Oh Joel.. yess right there.."

Joel has your tiny boxer shorts pulled down, as you are bent over on the kitchen table nails digging into the wood as he fucks you.. he fucks you hard.. harder than your ex ever did..

"You look so pretty taking my cock darlin' "

"I'm gonna -"

You shoot up from your bed, shaking.

You look around realizing you fell asleep. Then you realized what you were dreaming about. Your core aching from some fucked up joke your unconscious mind was playing on you. You absolutely can not be horny for your dad's best friend.

But what if you were...

•

You try to shake off the feelings or whatever the hell was going on in your brain. Trying to run from that, your focus has now become on your ex. Honestly it fucking hurts. You didn't know if you even wanted your ex back but it was the point of being lied to. Being ghosted by someone you called a friend, and even more so your ex always swore to be your friend above everything else.

You decided to skip the mall and just wear something you already had. You knew you wanted something to show off your legs because as hard as you were trying to ignore whatever what was going on you couldn't.

You picked out a cream lace baby doll dress, paired with some cowboy boots. You curled your long hair, makeup pretty natural but glowy, paired with some Glossy lips.

It was about 4:30 now, the rehearsal is at 5:30. If you know Joel miller.. you know he's gonna be early.

•

4:45 his truck pulls up with a honk. You make your way outside, Joel hops out to open your door. This wasn't a new thing it was just how he was.. how he always has been.. but for some reason today it hit a bit different.

"Thanks Joel, you don't have too I can get it." You give him a smile.

"Absolutely not darlin, it's a man's thing to do.. what boys over there have no manners? " He lets out a cocky chuckle

You couldn't tell if he was being an asshole or actually just joking trying to start a conversation. You didn't respond because honestly it wasn't something you wanted to talk about. You stayed quiet for the first few minutes of the drive. Joel could tell something was wrong.

"You gonna talk darlin, or we just gonna sit In silence.. you act like I'm some stranger."

He looks over at you, his side profile being illuminated by the golden hour light. Those thoughts from earlier creep in. His eyes trail over you, from your eyes, down your body, like he's taking in every part of you.

"Yeah sorry. Um just tired is all..."

"You've always been a terrible liar you know that.." he looks over at you.

"I have not." You roll your eyes.

"You have, I knew you were lying when you took Sarah to those house parties and I had to come get you... when you snuck to Dallas to see some boy.. when I also had to rescue you because you said you were staying at my house and you didn't want your ol man finding out."

"Sounds like you are sayin you have a habit of saving me.." you scoff.

He just looks at you like he's trying to figure out if he's looking at the girl he's watched grow up, or the woman that she now is. Just like that you arrive to the venue. Joel comes around letting you out, he grabs your hand to help you hop out of his truck. Just the touch of his hand sends shockwaves to your body.

His big rough calloused hands, how tiny yours looked next to his. Joel and you walk side by side into the building. You are greeted with hugs and hellos from people you haven't seen in years. As you are doing your mingling you can't help but watch Joel. How easily his presence is known, how cool and collected he always has been, and there it is.. that look to you. For even just a second that cool and collected fades and you see something else.

You continue mingling waiting for dolly and Randy to get things started. Your Aunt dolly comes running over as soon as she laid eyes on you.

"Oh my darling girl, how are you.. how's London boy." She kisses your cheek.

"Hi auntie, um well-"

You notice Joel is in earshot now.

"Well dolly men across the pond are just as bad as men here." You crack a smile.

"Awww honey you just need a good ol Texas man..like your daddy, Randy or even Joel."

You choke, making yourself cough.

"Sorry tickle In my throat."

You look over at Joel, acting like he's not listening but you think you saw a slight smile.

She brings you in for another hug before going back over to her wedding planner. More people file in, your sister has arrived, Tommy Joel's brother.. and Sheila. Sheila is dollys best friend but she's also had the biggest crush on Joel for years.

•

"Okay everyone, let's get started.. I have each groomsman paired with a bridesmaid.."

Dolly names people off the list.. and you just had this feeling she'd pair Joel with Sheila. Maybe you with Tommy, you two have always been really cool, he's handsome. softer than Joel. Dolly surprisingly does the opposite.

"My darlin.. you are with mr Joel miller here.."

you both look at one another.

Sheila comes over, she's never been your biggest fan. "Honey how about you go with Tommy.. I know yall are close.. he's more your age.. more your speed. Joel clenches his jaw.

You look at her and a laugh slips from your lips.

"Jesus Sheila can't give it up can ya.. no I'm cool with being with Joel thanks though"

You give her a cocky smirk as you link your arm with Joel's.

She glares at you as she stomps away.

"Guess t'was your turn to save me." Joel smiles and you both laugh. You gently pull your arm away from him as you left it linger there for a moment maybe a moment too long.

"Glad to be of service, she sure hasn't changed..."

"Yeah.. but you have.."

Joel looks at you, you cock your head not really knowing what he meant by that.

The wedding music blasts through the building bringing him back to what actually was going on. Rehearsal went well, Joel is your partner for all the wedding duties, walking down the isle, and going into the reception together. For some reason you think maybe just maybe life is trying to tell you something...

•

rehearsal ends.

Everyone is getting ready to head to the local bar for the before wedding party. You were overstimulated by everything so you decided to walk outside and get some air. You walk over by Joel's truck to find Tommy with a flask in hand.

"Hey buddy.. you wanna share.?"

You smile as he brings you into a hug.

"Hey sweetheart.. how's things.. been a long time.."

You take a swig from the flask making you gag...

"Fucking hell Tommy what is that.. but um

Im fine I guess, im back home, dont really know what im doing with my life but ya know.."

You take another swig, handing it back to him.

"Does anyone know what they want to do with life? I went to the army but here I am been back here for a minute now. You got a boyfriend still?" Tommy takes a drink from the flask.

Your eyes get wide choking again , either on that question or the burn of whatever poison Tommy is drinking.

"No ... no I don't Tommy... please don't tell me you're hitting on me..."

Tommy gives you a smirk.. the same smirk Joel has but softer..

"No.. I wasn't trying to.. but I mean.."

He trails off with a laugh

(He definitely was )

"was just checking in on ya sweetheart. your ol man tells us about you, but that's something he wasn't sure about, he was actually kind of worried about you...have you told him?

"Tommy miller giving me an intervention who would have fucking thought ... no.. now pass me the flask." You give him a little punch on the arm.

You take another big swig when you notice Sheila and Joel walking out together.

"Fucking gross..." you gag.

"What the whiskey.. come on girl that's what you grew up on , what the England bloke made you soft..?"

"No that.." your eyes shift over to Joel and Tommy cackles.

"Yeah she won't ever let it go.. pass the flask it's gonna be a long night."

You stand there for a bit with Tommy until Joel comes over. You are already feeling a buzz but you needed it.

"Little brother, you taking care of our girl while I was gone." Joel comes over putting himself between you and Tommy. He looks you up and down the same way he has been doing all day.

"I'm spectacular Mr miller, let's go to the bar..."

Joel looks at the flask,, to you, then to Tommy.

"Jesus Tommy. Seriously."

"Hey don't yell at him. I'm an adult.. I can do what I want and what I wanted was to drink with Tommy so drive me to the bar Joel." You stumble a bit, Joel grabbing your arm helping you into the truck.

Tommy closes the door walking over to his truck. Joel pulls out, he's silent. You shift in your seat to look at him leaning forward on the middle console your face inches away from his.

"What are you doin.." Joel's voice gruff.

"Nothing... just thinking.." you keep staring at him.. you want to touch him so bad.. but you won't... Then suddenly you do..

You run your hand through his curls then down his jaw. His face falling into your touch. Joel lets out a little moan, followed by a cough trying to make it seem like nothing.

"I'm thinkin you shouldn't be drinkin with my brother..."

You laugh at him.

"Why not Joel? I'm not a child. And for fucks sake it was Tommy. What are you jealous?"

(Bingo that's it.)

You scoff annoyed at him. "Don't see me yelling at you for walking out with Sheila. Maybe we should switch then. At least Tommy cares to talk to me about how I am today.. and how I have been.. you just wanna "save me" lecture me. You wanna act like you haven't been looking at me all night, how you just melted under my touch.."

Joel grips the steering wheel.

"Fine we will switch then, and I did try earlier. You been actin weird with me. And don't even start that.. don't put that out there.."

•

Joel parks in the lot for the bar. You don't wait for him to open your door. You hop out and make a bee line for the bar door. You are met with the group consisting of your sister, your dad, Tommy, dolly, Randy, Sheila and some of the rest of the wedding party. Joel trails behind you.

"My beautiful daughter." Your dad hugs you. " Miller you taking care of her.?"

"F'course." Joel looks at you as you walk in to the building. You head straight for the bar, Tommy by your side.

"Tommy I'm getting drunk, you tell your grumpy ass brother to leave me the fuck alone."

"Can't do that sweetheart.. you know Joel."

"Fuck Joel."

Tommy chuckles

(You really wish you could)

•

For the first half of the night it's just conversation with the group. Reminiscing about everything, you tell stories from your time abroad, trying avoiding the topic of London boy. Which eventually comes out, you just state you are separated but are on good terms. No need for all the details. Eventually your dad and sister head out. So does dolly and Randy. So that left you, Tommy, Sheila and Joel.

By this time the bar is packed. People dancing, wall to wall. Tommy has bought your drinks all night, taking shot after shot after shot.

"So you gon tell me what happened? Separation or whatever.. I know you. You ain't ever this quiet."

Tommy touches your hand and you pull away..

"Sorry didn't mean" he looks at you with puppy dog eyes.

You smile.

It is nice to feel wanted, or hell even just paid attention to.

" it's okay.. um.. well here look.."

You show him London boys Facebook. You are now seeing that there is a new post. He and your old friend are now engaged. You explain everything else practically in tears..

"That's a lot darlin, you deserve better. forgive me for being forward I can't help but be curious, but are you interested in anyone else.?" His drawl even more silky with the whiskey he's consumed. You let out a laugh because if anything he's persistent.

"Honestly Tommy.. I'm not sure.. I mean kind of but it's I don't even know. Plus now finding the engagement out.. it's just.. it's a lot.."

You don't know really it's just stolen glances, curiosity and the forbidden line of it. Now adding the underlying emotions of your ex being engaged to someone that's not you.. after years of thinking it would be.

He hands you another shot.

"Think this is needed." His hand on your shoulder massaging it gently.

As you take the shot you notice Sheila hugging up on Joel in the corner. You don't know why this affected you the way it has but you decided to take matters into your own hand. Knowing what you were about to do and how it would play out.

"Tommy. Let's dance"

•

You slam the shot back with ease as Tommy grabs you by the hand leading you into the sea of people. the bass of the music fills your ears. The alcohol fills your veins and rage fills your soul. You wrap your arms around Tommy's neck as you both dance to the beat of the music, his hands carefully trailing down your body as you sway back and forth. You look up and Joel is watching. Eyes dark. jaw locked.

Tommy swings you around your back now against him. His arm wrapped around your waist as you grind on him to the music. You feel the cold of his belt buckle through the sheer lace of your dress his bulge in his jeans stiff on your ass. His hands run through your hair as he lays a gentle kiss on the top of your shoulder making you shiver. The song switches and you decided you needed to use the restroom. You told Tommy you'd meet him back at the bar.

•

You walk down the dark hall way hearing heavy steps echo behind you. You don't look back. You open the door to the single bathroom, as you go to shut the door it was stoped by a boot shoving himself into the bathroom with you.

His big hands to your face, lips crashing to yours in an instant. Hungry kisses that consume one another his tongue invaded your mouth mixing with yours, the taste of cigarettes, mint and whiskey. He shoves your body against the wall hard as His lips trail down your jaw. Trailing down your neck. His hands cupping your breasts through your dress.

"Joel-" you whine.

"Shut up." His breath heavy as His hands reach under your dress, a hard grip on your thigh making you whimper.

"Fuck that sweet little sound." He growls.

"Joel-" you say in a whisper.

"I said shut up, what are you doin. You say that shit in the truck. Messing with my head then you come in here dancin like a whore on Tommy."

You shove him off you. Tears in your eyes.

"How fucking dare you. Do you even know what's wrong with me!? Have you been listening at all tonight Joel.. what happened in England.. that my ex is ENGAGED to my roommate.. now you wanna talk about what was said in the fucking truck.. or the fact that I dreamt about you today. That your the only thing I have thought about since this morning.."

Joel steps back looking you up and down. His jaw clinches as he's trying to find the words to speak. You step forward closing the space between, your hands run through his hair like you did earlier, his hand goes to the back of your neck tilting you up to look at him. His eyes dark and focused as he leans into you . Your lips grazing, his heavy breath shaking.

"This is..." joel trails off, as he plays with a strand of your hair.. "this is playing a dangerous game."

"Shut up and fuck me Mr miller." It was ballsy of you to say but fuck it.

Joel's hands immediately back under your dress. He gently rubs his fingers over the thin material of your panties covering your heat.

"Baby.. these are soaked.." his body pressing against yours, lips right in your ear.

"Yeah-" you throw your head back arching more towards him.

He does this again, but he rubs circles on your clit through your panties soaking them even more. Joel then hooks your panties with his fingers moving them to the side.

He dips one finger into your wetness, letting out a groan as he does. He pulls his finger out sticking it in his mouth sucking off your arousal. You let out a breathy moan watching him do that turning you on even more

"Fuck, you taste good.. tell me something darlin.."

His voice dark and sultry.

"Yeah Joel."

He reaches back down, inserting one finger into your cunt, already tightening on him.

"Who's got you this fucking wet... me.. or my brother...?"

It was filthy.. so fucking filthy.. filthy and forbidden.

"You.." you stifle a scream as Joel thrusts another finger into you.

"Yeah.. you sure baby... seen you grind that ass on him.. his hands on your body..his lips on your shoulder.."

Joel thrusts his fingers faster into you, you're already so close to your climax.

"You.. it's always been you ..ah fuck yes.. I touched myself to the thought of you this morning.. "

Joel freezes.

"You dirty girl.. horny for your old man's best friend.. cumming to the thought of me.. while you toy with my brother.."

he pumps a few more times before pulling his fingers out leaving you empty.

You whimper at the ache that's still there.

Joel kisses down your neck.

"What the fuck Joel." You look at him annoyed.

"You don't get to cum unless I say.. or unless I make you.." he smirks turning walking out of the bathroom. You stand there for a second trying to comprehend what just happened.

•

You go back out into the bar Joel is now standing by Tommy, Sheila there as well.

"There ya are sweetheart thought you got lost or kidnapped." Tommy smiles at you. You look over at Joel, his eyes focused on you and what your response was going to be.

"Yeah sorry just needed a minute." You fidget, not knowing what to do or say now.. because Tommy is great.. he always has been. So sweet so kind. Still rugged. But Joel.. Joel was mysterious, rugged, dominant , something that was deeper than what's on the surface.

Sheila proceeds to move herself between you and Joel, practically shoving you. You had enough of her and her antics. To be honest you were just fucking mad period. Mad at your ex, mad at your old roommate, mad at Joel.. mad you didn't cum on Joel's fingers, mad Joel didn't let you cum..mad that oddly you kinda wanna take Tommy up on his offer.. mad that whatever you are feeling for Joel won't let you try with Tommy. And fucking mad at Sheila for not taking a hint and just being a cunt.

You put your beer on the edge of the bar and "accidentally" spill it on her. She shrieks, looking at you pissed.

"What the hell was that.! Joel look what she did to me!"

Joel and Tommy trying not to laugh.

"Oops sorry maybe you need to learn personal space and that wouldn't happen."

You shrug as She rolls her eyes.

"You really ain't special ya know, you're back here because he broke up with you.. and I see what you're doing here.. she looks back and forth between Tommy and Joel. You are just a whore, like your momma, makes sense why your daddy left her."

Your fists are balled up as you go to step forward when you are pushed back by Tommy and picked up taken out of the bar by Joel..

•

Joel puts you on your two feet outside in the parking lot.

You look at him, tears in your eyes..

"Please don't..." you plead.

He looks at you as Tommy comes out the door, both of them just staring.

"I'm gonna take her home.. she is my responsibility tonight, I'm gonna make sure she gets back." Joel looking at Tommy.

"Sounds good big brother.. see you tomorrow." Tommy and Joel hug.

"Hey.. text me later okay.. if you want to talk anything.." Tommy touches your face wiping away a tear before he brings you into a tight hug. His hands didn't linger, didn't go anywhere they shouldn't have, he just hugged you.

"Okay.. bye Tommy thank you."

"Not a problem sweetheart. Get home safe"

Joel and you walk to his truck.. nothing was said but you could feel his emotions. He opens your door this time you don't argue, you take his hand as he helps you in. He starts the truck and just sits there for a moment.

"She's wrong ya know.. and m'sorry for what I said earlier.. that probably didn't help." Joel shifts his seat turning to look at you. You're fumbling with your fingers something you have always done when you're anxious. You jump when he grabs your hand, holding it tight, his calloused thumb rubbing little circles as He brings it up to his lips laying a soft kiss on it.

"Look at me." Joel's voice low but stern.

"Am I allowed to cry?" You look up at him face covered in your tears.

No hesitation he kisses you, really kisses you. Not the lust filled ones earlier, this one has some feeling behind it. You pull away.

"We can't.. it's too much.. I have too much-"

Ignoring you he kisses you again,

Messy top lip kiss. Pulling you over into the drivers seat putting you right on his lap. Your legs stratal him, his arms wrapped around you pulling you in closer and closer. You feel him under you, you feel yourself throbbing but you knew it wasn't the time nor the place. You give in to him, you let the kisses get deeper. You let him touch every part of you. You needed to feel something. Out of the corner of your eye you see Sheila walking out of the bar. You quickly hop back into the passenger seat, your dress basically falling off, your face flushed. Joel confused until he spots Sheila.

"Take me to your place." You say to Joel.

•

Drive there was quiet, his hand was on your thigh the entire time, occasionally you'd catch him staring at you, and you staring at him. In a way you knew that this was a bad idea, but you also knew it felt too right to not.. but then you had a lingering feeling of Tommy.. how free you felt earlier, how much he cared about you and how you felt. Your thoughts interrupted by your door opening.

"Sarah gone?" You ask.

"Yeah.. she will be back in the mornin for the wedding.."

"Okay."

Joel opens the door, and you are hit with countless memories. Cookouts, game nights, the night when you were 19 when a boy touched you appropriately you when he shouldn't have.. Joel threatening to kill him.. that night you witnessed how much Joel cared for you. Then again when you were 21.. sitting on his couch having a drink, the night you first really seen how attractive Joel was.. the same night he realized you grew up.

"You want comfy clothes, m'sure Sarah has somethin or you can wear somethin of mine.."

The thought of being in Joel's clothes was something you weren't sure you were ready for.. but it was something you now craved..

"A flannel would be nice, maybe some sweat pants."

A few moments later Joel has said things in hand.

"I don't gotta tell ya where the bathroom is. You already know."

You leave him with a smile. Walking down the same hall you have many times but this is different.. You change your clothes leaving your dress hanging on the door. You walk out to the living room Joel sitting there, legs spread, he looks huge. He looks like you want to climb him like a tree. Not saying a word you walk over standing in front of him. Lowering yourself onto him, legs on each side, the same position you were in the truck.

"Hi" you say.

"Hello" Joel's hands on your hips.

You lean into him, you just wanted to feel consumed by him. You rest your head on his shoulder as he tightens his arms around you.

"You wanna talk.?" Joel brushes your hair behind your ear.

"I don't know Joel. I don't even know where to begin."

"Mhmm. How bout you just say the first thing you think of and we go from there."

His thumb runs across your cheek.

"Well..right now.." you lay soft kisses down his jaw moving down his neck till you reach a sensitive spot between his neck and shoulder, making him him moan, shifting beneath you. "Right now I want to talk about that.. (you lay another kiss on him) I want to talk about how that makes you feel.. (and another kiss on his neck) how knowing I fucked myself so hard to the thought of you.." you nudge your hips forward applying a little pressure feeling him get stiff. "I want to talk about how wet I was for you earlier.."

Joel growls unbuttoning his flannel you have on exposing your breasts under. Joel curses under his breath as he takes you in.

" you gonna tell me or are you just gonna stare at me like you have all day."

You smirk.

"You're drunk. I can't. You will regret this in the mornin.. this is tricky.. this is..." Joel pulls himself back, you are still on his lap.

"Are you fucking serious... was I drunk this morning... was I drunk in the truck.. no I was tipsy maybe but not drunk. I can recall every fucking word I said. God damn it Joel. I'll just call Tommy." You hop off his lap turning to go to the bathroom to grab your dress and boots. You knew you shouldn't have said that, but you did.

•

"Fuck it" he grabs the back of your neck spinning you around kissing you. His hands pushing the flannel off your body, Joel picks you up putting you back on the couch. Kissing down your body, every single inch.

"Your family is gonna kill me."

His hands sliding into the waist band of the sweats pulling them down.

"Open your legs and don't fucking move."

You sink down into the couch spreading yourself wide open, your cunt glistening with arousal. Joel gets on his knees kneeling below you. Two fingers spread your folds open.

"Fuck look at this, this pretty mess. You do as I say. Ya hear me."

"Yes" you shake under his touch, he hasn't even done anything yet and you feel like you could combust. "Please" you whine.

"Please what.. use your words." Joel holding your thighs open digging his fingers into your skin, his mouth inches away from your cunt.

"Fuck- me." This came out more of a plead than anything.

Joel lets out a sadistic chuckle.

"You're getting my mouth baby girl because you can't handle the rest. But this should take care of ya."

Before you could respond Joel's thick heavy tongue swipes up your cunt, he repeats this a few times up and down as you buck your hips. Craving for more, grinding on his face. Each time you buck forward Joel digs his fingers into your thighs harder and harder. You know it's gonna bruise but you don't even care. You've had men eat you out but not like this..

"Oh my god Joel.. fuck that feels .. fuck so good."

You tangle your fingers in his curls, pulling his face in even more to your heat.

Joel now focuses on your clit. Flicking his tongue over it, getting you right where he wants you. Shaking under him, he sucks on your bud.

"Hmm you taste so fucking good, so fucking sweet." You see black as he thrusts two fingers inside curling hitting that squishy little spot that will send you over the edge. You look down at Joel, seeing him peeking his big brown eyes up from your cunt as he sucks on you thrusting his fingers steady in and out.

"Joel- please.."

You feel yourself clinch on him, you know you are close but you don't want it to end.

"Don't stop, please don't stop."

Joel lets out an animal like growl as you squirt all over him.

"You filthy little girl, your soakin me baby, look at that.... you want more.?"

"Yes.. yes please more I'm.. ah fuck I'm close Joel.."

He picks up the pace, his fingers fuck your cunt fast and deep. You can't even think, can't even speak besides his name and moans.

"That's it.. yes.. good girl... almost there baby come for me.. you can do it.. I want you too.."

The climax fills you, white hot and hard your whole body quivers as you squirt everywhere again. You lay your head back panting.

"Joel." Your voice barely there.

"Yeah darlin."

You lift your head up, all fucked out but eyes still screaming for more. You shimmy off the couch on to your knees opening your mouth. He moves to you towering over top, he unzips his jeans, pulling down his boxers his long, girthy rock hard cock falls out and it's even bigger than you thought. Your eyes widen.

"You sure you can handle this...I don't think you can."

He's now pissing you off.

"Make me take it then."

Nothing more needed to be said. Your mouth wide open his hands on both sides of your head as he thrusts his cock slowly into your mouth. Starting off little by little he slides into your mouth, you swirl and flick your tongue across his tip making him buck his his hips shoving his cock into your mouth deeper.. harder.. Joel picks up his pace slamming in and out, hitting the back of your throat, choking on it covering your pretty face with spit.

"Jesus Christ, look at you.. look at you swallowing my cock like that... fuck... "

Joel's grip on your face tightened as he thrusted faster, fucking your throat in a frenzy. You couldn't breathe but you didn't care. You wanted to prove a point. You wanted to show him how desperate you were for him.

"Such a good fucking girl.. my filthy fucking girl.."

Joel thrusts in and out, spit now covering your chest, eyes watering. Hair completely fucked. He pulls out just for a moment, he tilts your chin up to look at him, showing him the mess he has made of you.

"you are beautiful on your knees all fucked out, all ready f'me.."

"Joel." You whimper, panting still trying to catch your breath. "I want you to cum."

No warning , no nothing he slams himself back into your throat. You choke.

"I decide on that baby.. haven't you learned."

Joel uses your throat. Rough and hard something about it has your body taking over by this ache again. You wiggle under him spreading your legs a bit more. Your hands trace down your body finding your wetness. You whimper against his cock, between the sensation of him using your throat how he wants, and now the slight pressure you applied to yourself knowing that just this morning this was all a fantasy to you. Joel notices your noticeable whimpering, when he sees you touching yourself he freezes. Cock hard just laying in your mouth.

"Is that how you did it this morning.. thinking about me.. you can't get enough can you.. needy little girl.. did I give you permission to touch yourself?" Joel taunts.

You look up at him, eyes wide as you bob your head up and down. Sucking the tip as it touches your lips. You knew he's probably gonna punish you for this but maybe you wanted that. You bob harder shoving his whole length in your mouth , choking on it you circle your clit harder. Joel takes a handful of your hair pulling you back to look at him.

"You want me to fuck you so badly don't you darlin.. you have been such a good girl... I'm not fucking you but I will cum in that mouth. And maybe just maybe I'll make you cum again... open your mouth.. tongue out."

Joel slaps his cock on your tongue, he rubs it on your lips before a hard thrust into your mouth.

"Go on .. show me how you did it.. how you played with your self.."

Joel fucked your mouth long hard thrusts, each time you circle your clit making you jerk he'd shove his cock deeper into your mouth.

"Fuck get up, lay down on the couch and spread your legs."

You do as you are told. Joel stays standing in front of you. Fist full of his cock stroking it. Your pupils wide, as you take the sight of this in. He was beautiful. Completely naked in front of you. His tan body toned from years of contracting, his salt n pepper curls now a mess.

"Go on.. show me.." Joel grunts.

You spread wide, your fingers trail up and down, rubbing all the sensitive spots, you take two fingers and apply all the pressure to your clit, your body shakes as you do. It does feel good but it wasn't like Joel.

"Yeah that's it.. is that how you did it earlier.. did you moan my name in your bedroom. Your dad in earshot.."

"Yes.. ah yes I did.."

"Do it again.." he demanded.

Joel follows your pace, you feel your climax building but you wanted to touch Joel, you needed to touch him. You insert two fingers in feeling how he stretched you out earlier just from his fingers. Your core is hot, you feel it coming.

"Joel- Joel - I need you.. need to touch."

Joel moves to you, you reach up wrapping your hand around his cock taking over stroking him as you play with yourself.

"Fuck ... fuckk.. keeping doin that darlin."

The touch of him is what you needed your body was like a woman possessed with how hard that orgasm hit you. You lay limp still stroking Joel. He's gotten so hard, you can feel his pulse , every twitch with every stroke.

"Open your mouth."

Joel moves your hand taking over as you open for him. He gives two hard pumps as he spills all over your tongue, his cum dripping down your lips down your chin.

"You gonna swallow for me?"

You nod your head. Swallowing it all. Joel collapses on to the couch next to you. Silence for a moment, but not a bad silence. More of taking in the events that just happened. His hands grip your thigh as you look at him.

buzz * buzz * buzz

Your phone ringing.

The clock lights up it's 4:45 in the morning and Tommy is calling you.

Joel's gaze hardens, his grip tenses. You stare at the phone letting it ring. It's like you were on a different planet and now you're back to reality.

"Um I should go home.." you stand up getting off the couch naked you walk to the bathroom to grab your dress. Joel follows.

"You know you can just sleep here.. we gotta be at the venue early would just make sense.." Joel stands in the doorway of the bathroom. "You're actin weird again.."

You stare at yourself in the mirror. How fucked he had you. How much of a mess.

"If I stay here.. I'm sleeping in your bed.. you think you could handle that.. is that crossing a line we shouldn't.."

Your fingers trace down his bare chest. Soft groan leaves Joel's mouth. "Didn't think so.. so I'm going home.. I can walk it's just a few blocks.. could use the air."

You slip back on the sweats and flannel saying fuck the dress.

"I'll get these back to you.. see you later? Unless you still want to switch and be with Sheila.?" You smirk at him.

"Yeah I'll see ya. Can you at least tell me when you made it home... I wish you'd let me just drive ya s'not a problem."

"I'm fine Joel. I need to clear my head okay.. I can take care of me."

He closes the space between the two of you. His hand cupping your face as you melt into his touch.

"Promise me you don't regret this.. whatever this was.." he looks at you. Conflicted expression.

"I don't, no regrets at all. Go to bed old man."

He leans in to kiss you, it was sweet, but there was also a smidge of desperation behind it.

•

You leave Joel's, the sky in that in between of night and dawn. The air has a chill, and it's what you needed.

*buzz buzz*

Your phone vibrates as your screen lights up with both the names of Joel and Tommy miller...

"Fuck what am I doin." You mumble.

You reach your house. It's still quiet. No one is up yet but your dad would be soon. The back door was open so you went in that way. You knew you needed to sleep but you couldn't. Your body high on the orgasms Joel gave you, your mind in a billion different directions with conflicting feelings.

You decided to take a shower, wash off the negativity. You peel off Joel's clothes sliding into the warm water. Little bruises on your body are starting to show, your thighs are marked. A slight pink one on your shoulder. That one would need covered. In a way you loved them. It was a reminder that he was there. You do a quick wash, as you get out of the shower your phone buzz's again.. this time dolly..

"Fucckkkkk"

* darlin I am sorry about Sheila.. she was out of line but so were you. I don't want to have to deal with drama on my wedding day so I'd appreciate that if you do switch with her.. it's easier.

You throw your phone down on to the counter. Normally this would be just whatever. You'd just go be with Tommy.. but you can't. You can't shake proving a point. You screenshot the text sending it to Joel. Replying to his other text asking if you made it home.

He replies

Joel miller • not happenin. You are on my arms all night. Gotta keep you away from my brother.

You • stop it. But you are right. Not happenin. Need my savior in case I need Savin. Maybe fuck me in the church bathroom.

Joel • filthy. Go to sleep. Need to be pretty for me later.

You were feeling bold so you sent a picture, your body wet, the bruises visible.

Joel • Jesus.

You go to check your other texts

Tommy miller • sweet girl hope you made it home safe.. had a great night with you. Save me a dance tomorrow?

You • hey! Yes it was fun. I came home and passed out. And of course.!

Tommy : Sheila texted me. Says you are with me now?

You • yeah dolly said somethin.. but no I'm not letting her have her way.. nothing against you Tommy.. you've got me to Dance with all night. <3

Buzz

Joel: if I marked up your body like that can you imagine what I'll do to that pretty tight little cunt.

You shriek at the thought.

You • filthy. Go to bed. Or maybe come show me then.. sure my dad wouldn't mind you coming over at dawn.

Joel • yeah hearin his daughter scream his best friend's name.. this is a conversation for later. Get some sleep.

You crawl into bed setting an alarm.

Sleep came somewhat easy until..

*

"It's okay to want both of us." Joel looks at you as he sets you down on his cock taking it all in as Tommy comes in front of you, rubbing his cock on your lips...

*

"What the actual fuck."

•

You slept for maybe 2 hours. You had a time schedule today and you didn't wanna give dolly another reason to be pissed at you.

You had to meet the wedding party at the venue for the reception first. That's where everyone was getting ready. Before you left you put some foundation and powder on that little red mark that now has a purple tint to it. You threw a bag together with the things you would need for the day.

Buzz buzz

You glance down your phone going crazy.

Sister - 3 texts

Tommy - 2 texts

Dolly - 4 texts

You ignore all their names searching for his.. and nothing..

you made your way downstairs, you dad sitting in his recliner.

"Hey babydoll, what time did ya make it back.?"

Shit you thought.

"It was late.. um.. you talk to dolly.. ?"

Your dad walks over to you hugging you.

"Yeah baby doll, just let it go.. do what she needs you to do.."

You look at him, stone expression.

"No.. no dad I won't.. why the hell did you think I left here in the first place.. I'm not a fucking child."

He looks at you. Hurt.

"Not what I meant... wait.. is that Joel's flannel.?"

Fuckkkkkkkkk

"Ah yeah, it was late I was upset... he let me vent to him for a few.. I passed out and walked home."

(It wasn't a complete lie)

"Okay just figured you were with Tommy. You two seemed pretty chummy. But good glad Joel took care of ya."

"Yup took great care of me... okay dad see ya later love ya."

"Love ya too kid."

Your phone rings it's Tommy.

"Sweet girl I'm here to pick you up, Joel said He'd just meet us there.. had to get Sarah."

This kind of annoyed you. He promised he would be here. He made you promise that you didn't regret last night.. but what if he does. Is that why he didn't pick you up.

You walk outside, Tommy standing there his long dark hair pulled back, his tan skin glows in the sunlight. His freckles more noticeable. His wife beater clings on to him, covered by a button down. Tight jeans l, his big ass belt buckle and boots.

"Well you clean up nice."

You smile at him, going in for a hug.

"Nice flannel." Tommy pulls back looking at you.

"Uh yeah not mine... went back to Joel's for a bit.. I needed to vent.. um."

Tommy's expression went from happy to a little confused . "It's fine sweetheart, glad you got to get things off your chest.. Joel can be a good listener when he wants to be." He chuckles.

"Okay.. yeah let's forget about all that.. new day.. "

Tommy opens your door helping you in. The miller boys knew how woman deserved to be treated.

The space filled with the hum of the truck and background of the radio.

"Sooo.. have you thought about it.. about going on a date.. I dont wanna over step I know you have alot.. doesn't even have to be a date.. we can just hang out.. I don't know I just feel lighter with you."

Tommy puts his hand on your sensitive thigh, not thinking a moan slips from your mouth.

Tommy's head cocks in curiosity of the little sound you just let out. You didn't know if it was the sensitivity of the marks from Joel or maybe it was the touch of Tommy. He licks his lips staring at you. His grip tightens and you do it again.

"Well that's a sweet little sound." The husky southern drawl in full effect.

You're head spinning because Joel said the same exact thing. This was cut short as you parked into the Venues lot. You couldn't breathe you needed out. Your door swings open fully expecting Tommy to be the one who opened it.. but it was Joel.

•

Your eyes wide like you have seen a ghost. He examined your body language staring into your soul he reaches out his hand pulling you out.

"Hey." Voice thick sweet as honey.

He looks at you again pulling you into a hug his lips linger above your ear. "Ballsy move wearing that.." the flannel falls off your shoulder exposing the little spot covered in foundation not quite your skin tone. Discreetly Joel runs his thumb across it.

"Hi" you finally reply. Looking behind him Tommy watching you.

You were totally fucked.

•

All three of you walk in together, Sheila's head snaps your way seeing you with both brothers . whispering something to one of the other girls. (She's such a slut.) they giggle.

"Can you behave today.?" Joel looks at you, the statement was innocent but the look in his eyes wasn't.

"Nope." You crack a wide smile.

You leave the two men walking back to where the "dressing room" was. You set yourself up in a little corner, not really wanting to be bothered. You do your make up, you opt to curl your long hair in hopes that would cover the tiny mark.

You slip out of your clothes, stepping in to your dress. You couldn't help but feel the eyes on you. Sheila staring as Dolly makes her way over to you...

"Hey darlin girl.."

"Hey" you gruffly reply.

"I fixed things we are good, Joel came to me himself.."

"Great... just tell your bitch of a friend to start away from me. Or I'll finish what I should have done last night.."

"People are just worried hun.."

"About? I'm fine." You pin your hair back trying to stay busy.

"I'm just saying , don't bite off more you can chew.. and don't.."

"Dolly I'm fine. Last night was just a lot, I have a lot going on. Today is about you. Focus on your beautiful wedding."

You hug her hoping that would get her to leave you alone.

•

An hour till ceremony.

*buzz

•Joel miller - saved ya once again.

•you - I know. Thank you.

•Joel miller - you can make it up to me later.

You sit there wandering mind.

*buzz

Tommy miller - can't help to wonder what other parts of you make you let out that sweet little moan.

You contemplate on what you say.. your mind goes to curiosity of how it would be with Tommy. Then to the fact that they are in the same room with one another texting you these things.

•

Half hour

Now it was time to get the bridesmaids and groomsman together. You walk into the hallway your silk gown clinging to your curves. You spot one.. then you spot the other.. both looking straight at you.

You hug Tommy first, his hands tight around your waist.

"You look beautiful." He gently kisses your cheek. This was nothing he's done it before, but this opened your curiosity even more. How gentle and soft his lips were, how they would feel else where.. That was quickly interrupted, by a big hand grabbing yours pulling you to him. Tight hug. His hands replacing the spot Tommy's were. It's like he posses you. You want to collapse under the smallest touches from him. He smells so good. He's wearing a different cologne, but still mixed with the normal intoxicating scent of him.

He speaks softly into your ear so you are the only one to hear him.

"You do look beautiful.. but I know you will look even more beautiful when I make you cum later."

You gasp.

He pushes your hair back, looking down at your shoulder.

It was like no one was there.

"Well you look nice mr miller, it's a shame you have to be paired with her, we would be the hottest ones in there."

Sheila chuckles as she stands next to you. Tommy quickly moving over as well.

"Wow Sheila thanks are you saying I'm the ugly brother." Tommy chuckles.

"She would be blind if that's what she's implying." You smile at Tommy. This statement making Joel clinch his jaw. "I mean any woman would be lucky to have either one of you.. just not you Sheila.. you deserve a cockroach."

She glares at you rolling her eyes.

The music begins meaning it's time. You stand next to Joel as your hand shake. He reaches down linking his hands with yours.

"Easy darlin. It's alright."

He knows your anxiety how you get in situations like this. "I got you."

He rubs his thumb on your little hand, staring at it.

"Joel."

"Yeah honey.?"

You look at him tears filling your eyes.. you don't know what's came over you.

"I -"

You were cut off by the music to enter the church. You hook his arm, his grip tight, he takes his other hand playing with your fingers.

You look over at him smiling.

"How do you do that?"

"Do what darlin.?"

"Calm me down the way you do, but at the same time drive me crazy.?"

You were the last couple to walk down. Joel seen this as an opportunity that he had you alone just for a moment. He swings you around to face him, his hands run down your body, his hands grip your ass as he presses his lips to yours. Kiss was short as he pulled away when it was your que to walk.

"That did the opposite of calming me..."

Joel chuckles.

•

The church was decorated beautifully, you went to your spot in line of the bridesmaids. In the crowd you spot your dad, your sister, and Sarah. The ceremony was tender and heartfelt. Even as much as you were annoyed with dolly she's your aunt and you are so happy that she gets her happy ending. The music plays to exit and your heart skips a beat. Eager to get back to Joel knowing that tonight's going to be a long one with all the family around. You meet in the middle linking your arm through his.

"That was beautiful."You say.

"You're beautiful... I need to get you alone."

You continue walking, trying to finish this conversation before you can't.

"How... Sarah will ride with you.. my family is here.. Tommy.. I'm overwhelmed Joel."

"I don't know. But I'll make it happen... actually maybe we shouldn't.. maybe just take a break from this.. I don't know.." Joel looks at you confused making you go dead silent.

"Fine then we won't." You look at him tears building.

You make it back to the lobby of the church, everyone mingling before it's time to move to the reception. You stand there with Joel, and Tommy. Walking to you is the group of your sister, your dad and Sarah.

"Hey girlllllll" Sarah smiles as she hugs you.

"Hi love, you look great. How are things!"

"Things are good! I'm living in Dallas now. Going to school, visit here when I can.. you know how my dad is.."

You laugh.. "yeahhhh I do..."

"So England.. how was that.? How's your beautiful man with that charming accent."

"Well considering he's engaged to someone that's not me.." you shrug.

"No way, did you tell dad. Let him handle him.. you seeing anyone.?"

You look over, Joel is listening.

"Um I don't know.. kind of.. it's I don't know what it is.. complicated definitely."

"Ohhhh is it... who who" Sarah squeals.

"Can't tell ya." You wink.

Sarah groans. "Ugh that's no fun. I want to know all the gossip."

Tommy comes over putting his arm around both you and Sarah.

"So what are we talking about?" He looks back and forth between the two of you. Joel still lingering talking to your dad.. well sort of just listening to your dad as he listens to your conversation.

"Nothing we were talking about nothing." You give Sarah the look.

Everyone starts leaving the church. You figured you'd catch a ride with your dad.

"Hey sweetie why don't you ride with Tommy. Told some people I could give them a lift."

"Sure dad." You hug him, as Tommy stands waiting. Like clockwork he opens your door and into the truck you go. Parked across is Joel.. and if looks could kill the truck would have been blown to smithereens. Sarah sits in the passenger seat talking as Joel speeds out.

•

This feels all too familiar. Like Deja vu almost.

"Sooo.." Tommy trails off. You turn to look at him, he's inches away. You could feel his breath. He smells of mint and sandlewood.

"Sooo." You smile. Tommy reaches over his hand on your thigh. You shiver under his touch as he moves his hand slowly till he reaches the fabric of your panties.

"This okay?" His drawl heavy and velvet. Lust filled almost.

You nod staring at him. Really realizing how beautiful he was. How gentle.

He doesn't go in he just runs his fingers across where your covered heat is. You whimper because as much as you hate to admit it and as much as it complicates things even more you do feel something.

"Tommy..." you moan. He gently presses his lips to you, warm soft and welcoming. Something about it was so delicate. Tommy's tongue traces your bottom lip asking to enter your mouth, you let him. His hand wrapping around the back of your neck pulling you in closer as his tongue swirls around yours. The grip on the back of your neck was just enough pressure to make you moan into his mouth.

"Fuck I don't think I'd ever get tired of hearing that."

He goes back into kissing you, deepening with every second your lips were on one another. You run your hands down his Chest, he goes to pull you to him and you pull back knowing if you go to him things will escalate to a point you don't know if you can handle at this moment.. it's not that you didn't want too because you kinda did.

At this point everyone has left the parking lot leaving you there.

"Tommy.. we gotta go.." you let out a deep breath as You sit there not knowing how to feel besides that this is fucked all the way up...

and Joel is going to be furious.

•

You reach the reception hall, you both were the last of the wedding party to arrive. Joel's face in a scowl.

"Where the fuck have you been.?" Joel asks his jaw tight, hands balled into a fist.

"Tommy drove. Dad made me ride with him..."

"I know that.." he looks at you not knowing how to feel. You aren't his. He ain't yours. Hell has your dad's best friend. He's Tommy's brother. Sarah's dad.

"Joel.. don't. I don't know what you want me to say.. what you want me to do... thought you just wanted to forget about it today.."

He looks away dead stare on Tommy.

The music plays.

All the pairs enter one by one. No cute finger playing this time. Just a firm lock on your arm.

Entrances end, everyone welcomes In dolly and Randy. You thank god you can attempt to get some space. You walk outside to the edge of the building. Footsteps coming behind you and arms wrap around your waist spinning you around.

"Hey you promised me a dance." Tommy's big brown eyes glimmer.

"I indeed did Tommy miller." You smile. His button up open. His tie still around his neck. His tank top clinging to him. He looks so good. "Give me a minute okay.. just overstimulated. I'll be in soon." He leaves you with a kiss on the check. You stand there for a few minutes more, watching Tommy walk back in noticing a figure in the distance that could only be Joel.

You turn back around facing the road watching as cars go by.. footsteps approaching.

"What the fuck are you doing. You think this is okay. Maybe Sheila was right."

Wide eyed you look at him.

"Joel.... you.. You don't mean that... it's just.. I don't know.. " He scoffs with a laugh.

"You think I'm stupid darlin. How it must feed your ego to have both of us wrapped around your finger... you leave for years then come back and fuck with my head.. hell even Tommy's head.

You roll your eyes

"Do I Joel.. do I really.. you can't touch me in public.. you whisper to me in secret.. Hell Half the time you avoid me or stand in the distance listening to me. You pull me in and then push me away.. you didn't pick me up this morning which led to me think you avoided me or you were regretting last night. then you come here acting like everything is fine.. then it's oh let's forget it all.. you are scared... you are scared that there is something here. Regardless of how messy and complicated.. And maybe Tommy isn't."

You storm past his shoulder checking him.

You rush to the bathroom, your face flooded with tears.

Knock knock

"Hey it's Sarah.. what's going on. You want to let me in?"

You open up, Sarah sliding in.

"Sarah I-" you just sob.

She takes you in to a hug. Petting your head.

"Sarah I'm so Confused ..."

You look up at her. "And I can't tell you I can't tell anyone."

There is a bang on the door.

"Sarah.. it's dad.. everything okay.?"

You couldn't tell him to go away because that would bring up questions.

"Yeah dad we will be out in a second." Sarah calls out.

"Can you ask her if it's okay if I talk to her.? Maybe I could help." She looks at you waiting for your answer.

"Yeah.. yeah fine." You shrug.

Sarah opens the door slipping out as Joel slips in.

He stands there , inches away waiting until Sarah has hopefully gone away. You look at him and just sob.

"C'mere baby I'm sorry.. I'm sorry.. this is hard for me too.. I shouldn't have said those things.. shouldn't push you away."

"Joel.. I have to tell you something and you cannot freak out."

His grip around you tightens.

"I swear Joel. You can't... Tommy kissed me.. that's why we were late.. it was just a kiss and he gripped my thigh and they are sensitive because.." (you leave out a bit of information but it was nothing really.. kind of..)

You pull up the dress, the nail marks, with little purple bruises.

"Then I moaned and I didn't mean too but it just.." you were now rambling.

He looks at you and chuckles.

"Joel how is this funny.. and then you were an ass to me saying let's forget things and I can't I can't forget you.. I can't forget last night.. and I'm just fucking I don't know.. I'm fucking confused."

You pull back to look him in the eyes.

"Do you regret last night.?" His voice stern.

"No."

He kisses down your jaw, down your neck.

"Okay. So you won't mind if I do this."

His hand trails up your thighs digging his nails into those already left marks, you moan but he cuts you off with his lips to yours his tongue sliding in invading you.

He pulls away to look at you.

"Did Tommy do it like that.?" He whispers.

Your mouth drops.

"Joel.. don't.."

"Darlin you're mine.. do what you need to do but just know that."

"Joel you can't just say shit like that.." you bark at him.

He opens up the bathroom door walking out not answering you.. You wait a moment and you do the same.

•

The reception was lively. Everyone dancing. You dance mainly with Sarah and Tommy. Just having fun, goofing around like old times. Every now and then Tommy brushes your hand, and in those moments you swear you watch Joel clinch his jaw as he sits with your dad watching. The music switches to a slow song, Sarah gets taken by one of the groomsman,and Tommy stares at you.

"I guess I should keep my promise." You walk towards him , as he pulls you in. Wrapping his arms around your waist, your arms around his neck.

Tommy is warm. Warm like the sun.

His linger above your ear, you sway to the music comfortably.

"This is a change from the other night." You laugh.

"Yeah, good change though. Not sayin havin your body on me in that way wasn't.. this is just.. this is nice.. It's comforting."

You look up at him, his big brown eyes staring like you are the prettiest thing he has ever seen. You push a strand of his dark hair out of his face.

"You are comforting Tommy.. like a light in the darkness of my mind."

He goes to kiss your forehead, when a hand touches his shoulder.

"Little brother.. you mind if I cut in.?" Tommy lets go as Joel takes over.

"She's all yours." Tommy walks away, looking back as Joel grips on your waist.

Your body in shock. As you feel all the eyes in the room on you.

"Ballsy move Mr miller." You nuzzle your head into his shoulder. Maybe a little more comfortable than you should be.

"You said I didn't touch you in public and I was scared.. this is me proving somethin. You've consumed my every thought today. All I have wanted is to touch you in every way. That's why I watch you. Why I listen." you look up at him.. Joel shows his emotions in his eyes, you can tell he really means it.

"You are gonna start lots of rumors..." you smile.

"Not rumors if there is truth behind some of it.."

you notice Tommy in the corner talking to one of the other bridesmaids, everyone seems pre occupied, giving you a moment to do something that's been on your mind all day. You cup his face exactly how you did in the truck, him melting under your touch, you trailed your hand down his body to the top of his belt, you inch your hand to go lower when he grabs your wrist.

he looks down at you, his brown eyes now black.

"Meet me outside.. behind my truck.. 5 minutes."

The song ends you both walk towards the tables. Joel leaves you walking outside. You linger by the door hoping you can sneak out. You wait a few minutes and you bolt outside. Joel's truck is parked in the far side of the lot close to the woods. You walk down looking for him, not seeing him you walk to the opening of the woods when he peeks out from a tree pulling you into the woods.

You let out a shriek followed by his hand over your mouth.

"Quiet."Joel slips his hand under your dress.

"I just want to feel you. How soft, how wet, how warm."

You moan under his hand that's covering your mouth.

Your breath picks up as Joel dips two fingers in. You can't speak all you can do is moan against his hand which unironically is only stifling your moans a bit.

He doesn't take his time with you. It's too risky, he's too full of need. He inserts two fingers in pumping furiously into your wetness. Each pump you tighten on his fingers. Your on body fire. Your legs shaking e it didn't take long for him to know the exact spots on your body that drive you crazy.

"Joel.. Joel.." you manage to speak under his hand.

"Quiet baby"

Joel moved his hand as he does he hooks his fingers making you squeal which was cut off by his lips. For a moment it felt like everything froze and all that mattered was Joel kissing you. Long and hard, so much passion. There was no inviting one another in, his tongue owned yours, his teeth grazing over your bottom lip. It was like he was trying to prove something. Something to you. Something to himself. As much as you were enjoying his fingers this was 10000 better and that's how you knew you were truly fucked. You both pull away Joel moving his hands to hold your face staring at you. it's like a light bulb goes off.

"So what are we gonna do about this?" You ask out of breath. Joel's hands roam your body memorizing every inch of how you feel.

"What do you want." Joel lays sweet kisses on your shoulder.

"You. I want you."

Then we figure it out." Joel kisses your forehead.

You both freeze as footsteps approach quickly putting space between. You hide behind a tree as Joel walks back to the edge of the lot to see who was there. You stay there hidden. You listen in the distance when you hear that sweet silky voice.. Tommy.

•

"Hey big brother, have you seen her? Figured maybe she needed air."

You can't see too much through the trees but you can see just enough to see Joel's whole body tense up. You hated this. You hated that they were brothers. But maybe that's why you liked them so much in a twisted way the things the one didn't have the other one did.

"I haven't seen her, just came out for a smoke."

Joel put his hands on his hips,

The dad pose he does.

"Okay well if you do, just let her know I was looking for her."

"Sure sure.."

Joel walks away. Tommy lights up a cigarette. You lean on the tree debating if there was another way out of these woods. You watch for a bit, watching Tommy's body language, the way he stands, the way his puffs on the cigarette. Your mind wanders back to the conversation you just had with Joel, now these contradicting feelings for Tommy. He walks towards his truck, you inch towards the lot maybe gonna try to sneak out. You make it to the end and there he stands.

(Fuck that's not weird at all.)

"Hey" you smile.

"Hi sweetheart, where have you been.?"

(Shit think of a lie.)

"Um so I thought I seen a raccoon, and I love those guys, I haven't seen one since I been back home they don't have them in England.."

Tommy chuckles.

"Should have told me, I would have gotten it."

"No you would have shot it , Mr sniper man."

"Hey I could have made you one of those hats with the tail. You'd be pretty cute In that."

You laugh. Like really laugh. Something that hasn't happened in a while. Tommy grabs your hand swinging back and forth like teenagers.

"Should probably go back in.." you look at him.

"Yeah we probably should..." he trails off as he pulls you to him.

"Tommy... I.. I'm sorry I'm just overwhelmed.." you back away, his eyes fill with sadness.

"It's fine, I shouldn't come on so strong.."

"No you're fine it's me. I'm just a mess. You are great and sweet and fucking beautiful. I just need to figure my shit out."

"I understand that sweet girl I'm here for you no matter what. You think I'm beautiful?" He does that cheeky smirk.

You look into his pretty brown eyes, and you can't help but smile. It's like your body owns your mind you go in to hug Tommy again, he brings you in and just holds you there. Your arms wrapped around his neck, his tight grip on your waist. You lay your head on his shoulder.

"You are literally sunshine in human form."you whisper in his ear. You look up to see that grin.

Tommy lets you go.

"If I didn't move I was going to kiss you.. and I don't want to overwhelm you even more than you already are.. but just know that. "

You turn walking back into the building. Everyone is still dancing, Joel is back in the corner with your dad talking to some of the others. He's back to watching you, as soon as you entered it's like his body knew. Your body the same way it's like he has a spell on you. A few feet near him and you are done for.

"Hey there you are." Sarah runs over. "Where have you been, everyone's been asking.. Tommy especially what's going on there? Would be kinda weird he's my uncle but I mean.. why not yall would be cute.. and he's a good man.. "she shrugs with a smile

"Nothing, nothing is going on.. he just cares about me, the other night we talked about life... uhhh yeah.. okay... I think I need to go home.. um im gonna call a uber or somethin."

You run to the back grabbing your things. You throw everything into a bag and bolt out the door. You didn't know how but you needed to be anywhere but here. You decided to walk down the road a bit to the gas station.

You : where are you.

Joel miller : sitting here talking to your dad and Tommy. He seems chipper. Anything I need to know. Won't be mad. Where are you.? Haven't seen you in a bit.

You : I left.

Joel miller : where. I'm on my way.

•

You go into the gas station, buying whatever cheap liquor they have. You sit on the curb enjoying being alone just watching people come and go. 20 minutes since Joel's last text. About half the bottle gone now. You scroll through your phone. Ignoring all the incoming calls and texts.

Sarah miller : be safe. If you need to vent just tell me. I'm worried about you. Xoxo

Dad : hey baby girl you alright?

Tommy miller : 🦝

That made you laugh, and then when you looked up your heart felt like it was going explode.

Joel's truck in front of you, he parks it as he gets out.

"You came."

Joel picks you up off the curb. "You needed me. I'm here."

You both were done fighting your feelings, you were done being careful. (For tonight at least.) He pulls you in, hands on your face as his lips consume yours. You moan into his mouth, as his hands travel all over your body.

"Joel-". You manage to say between kisses.

"Take me somewhere, anywhere."

He stops long enough to put you In the truck closing your door. He drives for a bit, down some backroads until he reaches a field he pulls in to. It's dark but you can tell there are wildflowers everywhere, and the lightning bugs are out. He reaches In the back seat grabbing a few blankets he keeps in case of emergencies.

"Come on." He motions. You follow him as he lets down the gate to the bed of the truck. He throws the blankets in there before he helps you up.

You crawl in, Joel squeezing beside you.

"C'mere." He opens his arms

You nuzzle yourself into Joel. You finally let out a breath that you feel like you have been holding in all day.

"I've needed this all day." You say as you curl your self more into Joel.

Joel plays with your hair, letting out a deep breath himself. "I've needed you all day."

You look up at him, no words could say what either one of you were thinking. He leans down pressing his lips to yours. At first it was safe, it was a peck until he realized that you were alone. Completely alone. No one out here for miles. He pulled back just to look at you before he dove right back in. The hunger taking over. Messy kisses, kisses that felt like if you didn't do this now you would never have the chance again. He's taken over your mouth, his tongue all over his teeth graze your bottom lip gently nibbling and sucking on it, you let out a moan you swear people could hear from miles away. He doesn't tell you to be quiet he doesn't put his hand on your mouth he just makes his way kissing down your jaw to your neck. Your breath trembles as you feel his hand slip under your dress, rubbing all the way up your thigh.

You unbuckle his belt, then his pants. You kinda thought he would stop you.. but he didn't instead he pulls off his teeshirt he changed into before he came to get you. His lips find his way back to yours as he unzips your dress, you pull down his jeans his underwear with it. His hands kneed your breasts and he opens your legs getting Between, he hooks his fingers pulling your panties off, you lay naked under him. His hand cups your face as he lines himself up with your entrance.

"You sure bout this." Joel looks you in the eyes, your hips buck impatiently.

"Does it feel like I'm sure, because to me one I've never been wetter and two I have never wanted anyone as bad as I -" Joel cuts you off by one hard thrust into you, followed by 3 more getting your body adjusted to him.

"Fuck Joel, god feels so-"

Joel starts a rhythm, hard, deep , but steady. He wraps his hand around the back of you neck and he leans down, his body pressed on yours, you wrap your legs around pulling him in more making his thrusts hit your cervix, this makes your tighten your legs around him even harder.

"Yes that's it baby, I feel you clinchin on me.. good girl taking it so well."

Joel tangles his fingers in the hair at the nape of your neck pulling your head back, each thrust feels like you could levitate.

"Talk to me baby.. feel good?" Joel grunts as he holds your waist as he thrust in and out, in and out. You stare up eyes glisten high on lust.

"Harder." You choke out.

He pauses for a moment, looking down his thumb traces your bottom lip. Joel's eyes darken. Thunder rumbles, lightning fills the sky. Joel's grip on your waits tightens as he thrusts again one slow deep one before he switches completely. He holds you as he slams in over and over. You are taking every single inch of him. Thunder rumbles again followed by pounding rain. Joel doesn't stop if anything he fucks you harder as the rain comes down.

"Fuck yeah give it to me Joel." You cup his face , just have you done making him melt, making him lose control. You can't think it's just slam after slam inside you.

You stare into his eyes taking it all in. Then it hits you, that fire in your core, clinching tightly on him.

"You gonna cum f'me, did daddy fuck you hard enough."

You loved the filthy side of him, it took you to another level.

He thrusts in and out a few more times

"Mhmm yes.. don't stop... please don't- fuck Joel yes I'm coming.."

Rain is pouring all around you. Joel fucks you through your climax.

"We should get going." Joel sighs, truck bed wet, the blankets soaked, and you both look like you went swimming.

"No" you push Joel to lay down, you move yourself on top of him. Legs on each side straddling His cock still hard. You move your hips up just enough to line him up with you before fall back taking in all of him.

"Holy fuck" Joel curses.

You bounce your hips up and down, steady rhythm taking in all of him with each bounce. Your wet bodies slamming into one another, your wet long hair dripping. The rain comes down harder as Joel sits up wrapping his arms around you as you ride him. You lean back giving that arch to hit deeper.

"Fuckin pretty riding my cock. Clinching down on me already."

Joel lets out a growl as you pick up your pace.

"You gonna cum for me baby." You ask.

Something about that made Joel's demeanor switch. From dominating, to submitting to you.

You sink your hips up and down up and down, his grip tightens on your waist.

"Fuck yes baby ride my cock, just like that. I'm gonna fill you up"

You feel Joel's cock twitch inside of you, followed by his hot cum spilling inside. The rain still pouring, lightning strikes again.

You both hop out of the truck bed, attempting to find your now soaked clothes.

•

Joel cranks the heat in the truck attempting to get dry. His hands stay on some part of you. Your phone keeps buzzing but you just ignore it.

"Is Sarah staying home tonight?"

You look over at Joel.

"Yeah I think so, you want me to drop you home?"

"I left my dress there the other night.. should probably get it before someone sees it and asks questions.."

"Yeah we can go get it, I'll get you dry clothes too. If anything you can stay for a bit. Sure Sarah would like to spend time with you."

You look down getting anxious.

"Yeah I just I just don't know right now... Joel.."

"Yeah baby?"

"We definitely crossed a line.. something we can't take back.. something we can't go back from."

"I know.." he squeezed your thigh, not in a sexual way but in a way that told you that's it's okay.

•

You reach Joel's house, your soaked dress clinging to you. Giggling as you walk in until you freeze. Tommy and Sarah sit on the couch as your dress sits on the table. You all stare at one another waiting for someone to say something.

"So what's going on. Yall okay!?" Tommy asks.

You stand frozen. How are you here. How 20 minutes ago it was Joel just Joel. But now seeing Tommy it's all fuzzy. You look back and forth shaking.

"Got caught in the storm.. hit a back road, got stuck, she left her dress, came to get it before I take her home."

Joel chimes in. Always saving you.

You notice Tommy's body language. How he's quiet.

"Yeah I left it here the other night." You grab the dress off the table, your hands still trembling. "Um I should go..." you motion to the door.

"No stay, I can get you clothes. Come with me." Sarah gets up heading for the stairs and you follow. You make it up to her room and she shuts and locks the door.

"So what's actually going on, and please don't lie to me."

Tag list : @ohhoneypascal @mani-pedro @megangovier @littledes1re @shaunasrabbit @glitterspark @umadirectioner @darknight3904 @thoughtfullypinkgiver @iknowisoundcrazy @gardeniaviolets

[wholoveseggs]

I need to rant because the TVDU creators and writers annoy me (for so many reasons but this one specifically today): Rebekah and Hope's last names should not be Mikaelson and they aren't as far as I'm concerned. Based on the spelling of their names, they're from Scandinavian, right? So their surnames would be based on how surnames work in that area of the world: the first name of their father + son (for the sons) or dottir (for the daughters). Therefore, Rebekah's would be Mikaeldottir, since she is Mikael's daughter, and Hope's would be Klausdottir, since she is Klaus' daughter. Pretty sure it was even said in the show that they were Vikings from Europe (of course Europe bc heaven forbid Americans know countries. Like at the end of TVD when Bonnie was going to go travelling and they gave her a pamphlet that said Africa on it...) and they wrote their names in runes! They even go as far as Mikaelson but then couldn't be bothered to give Rebekah and Hope last names that would make sense. Not everything revolves around America and how Americans do things...and they had to move to the 'new world' (aka America) where everyone was healthy 🙄. I liked the idea of the Mystic Falls gang finding the carvings that The Originals did but I kinda hate how they made it so when The Originals moved, they just happened to move to the very place that would become very relevant to them in the future and not just because it was once their home. Seems a bit too convenient tbh. And I love The Originals and was so excited for the spin off to have more of them but damn it was kinda bad. Like too many and too long time skips and I hated that Klaus barely had any time with Hope and The Hollow storyline was just stupid. I want them to be together, not have to be far away from each other otherwise biblical-like plagues start happening. Let Rebekah have a nice relaxing bath in peace without it turning into blood! And at some point they got possessed into killing each other because of some blade or something. The hell was all that shit about? And then Legacies was kinda bad too. I loved Hope and Lizzy and Josie but everyone else annoyed me (Hope did as well whenever anything involved Landon but she was a badass and powerful tribrid who's a 16-year-old orphan so I'll give her a pass). And Hope still had Rebekah and Freya and Kol but only the first 2 showed up like once even though she was now an orphan and could've used having the last few remaining family members around. Basically, the pregnancy shit should never have happened and TVD should've ended with season 4 (or even season 3 with Elena just dying tbh bc I hated the cure storyline) because everything after that is a mess. Like throwing a dart at random words kinda mess...

Also, it would not be The Mikaelson Mansion. It should be The Compound. Or The Abattoir. Or The Original Mansion/House/Home.

Anyway, I'm sorry about all of that but it's 3am and I can't sleep and I'm annoyed 👍

Don’t apologize !!! this is the exact kind of 3am rage I live for!! Now I'm here to rant back...

You’re absolutely right: Rebekah should be Mikaeldottir and Hope should be Klausdottir. The whole Scandinavian origin story was so half-baked. I get that when they introduced Elijah in TVD season 2, the writers probably hadn’t mapped out an entire thousand-year-old vampire family with Norse roots, but once they did, they just… kept rewriting their own canon like we wouldn’t notice?

And don’t even get me started on Bonnie. I will never forgive the writers for the way they treated her. She was such a wonderful, complex character... and they flattened her into the token witch trope. Every time someone needed saving? Bonnie. Every time magic was needed? Bonnie. Every time the plot was falling apart? Bonnie. The Bennet bloodline has so much potential, but they refused to give her a storyline that didn’t involve self-sacrifice. And we all know why. Racism in media shows up in exactly this way. Amazing Black characters getting sidelined, overused, and underdeveloped while the white leads cry about their love triangles.

I’m also not a fan of anything beyond TVD season three. Yes, there are some great characters who pop up later, but the central canon starts getting stretched thin and twisted into shapes it was never meant to hold. It’s like they set up all these rich, fascinating storylines… and then just left them to rot while chasing increasingly chaotic plots. The cure storyline broke the momentum completely, and after that, it really did start to feel like they were throwing darts at a wall of random concepts. (& They could never come up with vilians that topped the Mikaelsons)

Now, the time skips in TO. I loathe seasons 4 and 5 for this so deeply. The skips were so obviously a device to age Hope up, but the execution was cheap and jarring. The wild part is ... they could have been doing that the whole time??? Like, season 1 covers around 9 months (Hayley’s entire pregnancy), and that pacing worked great. I loved the season one finale! But once Hope is born, they had the perfect opportunity to start gradually jumping time between seasons. Vampires don’t age .. they could’ve easily skipped a couple years between major events and let the world breathe a bit. Instead, we got two full seasons of intense, nonstop conflict (that seemingly happens over less than a two year period??) and then bam! time jump. Suddenly Hope is 5 years older, the family is scattered, and we’re meant to fill in the emotional gaps ourselves. It undercuts so much character development, especially between Klaus and Hope. All that potential for actual bonding, for him to try and raise her in his deeply messed-up but loving way? Gone. The skips robbed us of seeing their relationship grow, and instead we’re left with a rushed, fragmented version of a father-daughter connection that should’ve been central to the second half of show.

I wish Inadu was an actual compelling villain. Like, they made her the most boring, personality-less plot device possible. She wasn’t scary, she wasn’t layered, she just existed to keep Hope and Klaus apart with increasingly ridiculous magical rules. Like, sure, I enjoyed the creepy effects when they got close to each other... but at the end of the day, what was the point? None of it felt earned. It felt very manufactured.

A minor gripe I have !!! And I know this sounds silly, but it bothers me ... is that the Mikaelsons just aren’t weird enough. And I say that with love. They’re fantastic characters… but they’re also ancient immortals trapped in a CW show, forced to be cool and quippy instead of deeply unsettling and bizarre like they should be.

Like, hear me out: they are over a thousand years old. Think about any old person you know — are they trendy? Do they keep up with the latest slang? Can they convert a document to a PDF?? No! They’re stubborn, set in their ways, confused by technology, and grumpy about everything. I need the Mikaelsons to reflect that energy. I need Elijah to refuse to use a smartphone because he thinks it’s "beneath him."(Handwritten letters only!!) I need Kol to be unreasonably fascinated by microwaves (he doesn't trust them). I need Rebekah to email boomer memes. I want Klaus to have I need them to have the most dated, incomprehensible sense of fashion, because he doesn't care what anyone thinks... and its kinda a power move...

let them be ancient and unhinged!!! they’ve earned it!!!

&& yeah ..... the Mikaelson mansion?? be serious. it’s the compound. (the abattoir if ya nasty.) only the true Mikaelson girlies know the truth 💅

[petruchio]

ahhhh im so embarrased lol. fully sent an ask to another user thinking it was you. in my defense i remember ppl by their profile pics and i kept looking for the britney profile pic and then when i couldn't find that, i started searching up thg on both profiles hoping for like a post/meta/a set of tags that i remembered lol. unless the britney profile pic was also not you.... in which case im going to go crawl in a hole and scream. anyway, what did you think about sotr!!! imo she made a lot of Choices in the books that i didn't personally care for. haymitch eternally mourning his teenage love being one of them. i remember reading about his geese at the end of the first trilogy and being so happy?/proud? that he found a way to cope. only come to find out it's just another way he reminds himself of lenore dove????? thank god these books have been out since 2010 and idc if god himself said that this is correct interpretation of haymitch's story. you will not!!! take away my decade and a half long hcs away from me. idgaf.

onto the good!!! effie.... wow. they've known each other since his first games...... 25 years..... twenty-five years..... the big two five...... twenty-five years of watching children die together. twenty five years of effie watching haymitch sink deeper into his alcoholism...... two and a half decades of knowing each other and then she has to call his name for the 75th games..... twenty five years of hand in unlovable hand..... you are coming down with me. also very me and my husband coded. at least in this lifetime, we're sticking together.... me and my husband we're sticking together.

ohhh head in hands head in hands. somebody fucking SEDATE ME!!!!

tldr; idgaf what collins wrote. i've spent a decade thinking about this dude. i'll probably just take the parts that i like and move on with my life lol. would love to know what you think about it!!! and if you've already made a post about that and i happened to miss it, then so sorry for word vomiting in your inbox.

sending lots of love <33333!!!!

LOLLL but anon who is the other me 👀 it's actually funny you say that because i was thinking about changing my icon today but didn't commit but i feel like i was britney for SO long that even when that pic isn't my official icon it's still ~me~ (bc like. dump him!!)

ANYWAY you asked me about sotr

ummmmmmmmm, how do i put it lightly, i didn't like it haha. i have a tag here you can check out and i've been trying to tag everything as sotr spoilers too -- i answered a couple asks right after reading it so those are in the tag if you want to read. i was fairly negative but well. i didn't really like it at all tbh.

and i agree about the geese, i don't know -- i just don't feel like everything needed a backstory that tied back 25 years, i think it was fine that haymitch just raised geese. like i think it was sweet. i didn't think it needed to relate to his teenage girlfriend haha. like i actually think that cheapens it.

and yeah i just simply don't really see the character we met in sotr as haymitch if im being honest. like he just doesn't feel like the person we meet in thg, and i don't mean that in the sense that "he's younger" i mean that it genuinely doesn't feel like the same character to me, even if you add ALL the context of the years of mentoring and having to perform a role for the capitol and drinking it just. it doesn't seem like the same dude if im being honest. haymitch always seemed to me -- at least in the original trilogy -- as someone who's kind of too smart for his own good, someone who would've looked at the arena and said well, if i can't win, i might as well try to make something interesting happen and tried to find the edge just to see if it was possible. that was his motivation and it made sense and seemed in line with the character as we meet him in thg -- he was just messing with shit to mess with it. that's the vibe i always got from the character. not ... whatever tf was happening in that book.

i'm happy that you liked the effie cameo, if im being honest it annoyed me... the effie revisionist history has driven me crazy ever since the first thg movie because to me she! is! annoying! and that's not to say she isn't a very REAL character, one that could just as easily be, like, your annoying coworker or your cousin's weird friend or someone you know in real life -- but i also don't think she needed a backstory or motivation outside of: this is a woman who was willing to do the job of "escort" and bring two children to the captiol to be killed every single year. that's all we really need to know about her motivations in my opinion! (it also makes the line in the first book where katniss says she's just waiting to get promoted to a better district make no sense and seem kind of crazy, bc if she's been sticking by haymitch for 25 years out of loyalty or compassion or something... i feel that her vibe would be markedly different in the original trilogy. but that's just me.)

ANYWAY. sorry for being such a dark cloud about the book but it just did not hit for me... i'm with you in the sense that I HAVE BEEN THINKING ABOUT THIS DUDE FOR LIKE FIFTEEN YEARS and i will just choose to adopt whatever new bits of the canon i feel like adopting and pretend everything else was just a fun little fanfic project that suzanne did or something.

IDK GUYS. i feel like everyone else had a much better time reading this book than i did haha. im sorry my opinion is such a downer, i just didn't feel like it built on the world in any justifiably interesting way (like tbosas did) and i also didn't feel like it made sense given what we know about basically every character that appeared! so it frustrated me. <3

lots of love

[sillywormz]

a few days ago I was in bed trying to go to sleep, but then out of nowhere I got a idea for a Squid Game AU

where Sang-Woo won the games instead of Gi-Hun, (which of course means Gi-Hun dies😭), and when Sang-Woo leaves the games with the money, he thought he would be the happiest man in the world, but, over time, he realizes that he just doesn’t feel happy, like, he paid off his debt, and his mother has forgiven him for it all, but, he just doesn’t feel happy, and as he tries to go on with his life, that’s when the realization starts to kick in

He realizes that, those games did something to him, things that made him commit horrible things, and that, every single piece of the money, was someone’s life, and he realized that, if he had stopped the games, Gi-Hun, would still be alive

This realization completely flips his world upside down, overcome with grief and despair about what he has done, but all of this grief causes him to have some sort of a mental snap

He now routinely has nightmares about the games and all of the players that were in it, he starts having extreme panic attacks, but, he also starts having nightmarish hallucinations of his dead friends, Ali, Sae-Byeok, Ji-Yeong, and of course, Gi-Hun, but, despite everything, Sang-Woo holds on to his sanity, and realizes that…

He Can’t Let This Happen To Anyone Else, He Doesn’t Want Others To Go Through The Same Pain As He Does

So, he makes a promise to himself that he will never rest, never stop until he finds the people who run the games and make them pay for what they have done

So, like, basically in this AU, instead of Gi-Hun being the only survivor of the games and then spending like 3 years trying to find the games, it is Sang-Woo who survived and returned to the games to try and stop them

But, it can be pretty hard to come up with a plan to stop the games when you also have twisted hallucinations of your dead friends routinely mocking you in basically any chance they get, (Because that’s exactly what Sang-Woo has to put up with basically every single day)

—————————

I feel like this is the reason why my sleep schedule is so messed up, (Not Just Because Of My Sleep-Deprivation), but also because I will randomly get AU ideas at like 4 in the morning, (Please Send Help)

Also sorry for just randomly dumping this on you, I’m just really bored and I can’t really do anything because I’m sick, and also I just really love your art, I too am a fan of Baehun and just Jung-bae as a character in general

IM SO SORRY IM LATE ANSWERING THIS ANON i've had a kinda meh day today but i loved seeing this ask so much and i'm finally getting round to it :D

I LOVE THIS IDEA‼️‼️ idk if sangwoo would expect to be happy after the games but at the very least i think he'd believe he could just plow ahead with life and forget that it happened......... but like you said, the guilt would keep eating away at him until he snapped imo.

i can tooootally see sangwoo being the kind of guy who gets tormented by guilty hallucinations of the people he killed.......... he would be an absolute mess post-games i think esp since he had to kill gihun. i think he would potentially just try to kill himself due to the guilt and trauma but would have an epiphany before he did so that he couldn't let this happen to anyone else........ and he'd resolve himself to stop the games as a way to save people from suffering in the same way as him but also in an attempt to "pay back" the debt he feels he owes to gihun and saebyeok 👀

since sangwoo isn't as much of a "moral" or compassionate person as gihun i think things would definitely go a lil differently in this au and it would be so fun to explore! also the toxic yaoi dynamic between him and inho would be absolutely INSANE can you imagine......... they would be so fucked up together

i can also imagine an au where sangwoo would end up working with inho tbh. i cannot see frontman!gihun happening (nor do i want it to happen) but i can imagine sangwoo being swayed by inho/coming to understand him, bc he's got a much colder view towards his fellow humans than gihun does. i don't say this as a negative thing abt sangwoo it's just who he is yknow........ he's not a bad person but he's more cold and brutal than gihun. if he DID decide to stop the games and dedicate himself to that, i can imagine him actively pursuing inho and the recruiter even more than gihun did...... and being much more vengeful abt it

the mental image of him being "haunted" by gihun's "ghost" is also something i rlly enjoy...... using gihun's memory as a mouthpiece for his own fears and insecurities but also desperately holding onto the spectre of him out of a sense of obligation and bc he doesn't want to forget who he was........ bc letting gihun go and letting that emotional wound heal would feel like killing him all over again and he's already done that once he can't do it again. Ough

ANYWAY SORRY IDK IF ANY OF THIS MAKES SENSE i just rlly love this idea :D tysm for sending it to me, i love getting messages and please always feel free to send me stuff like this!!! i love it!!!!!! ALSO YAYAYAYAYAYAYYYYY BAEHUN/JUNGBAE ENJOYERS UNITE YAYYYYYYYYYY

[writing-whump]

Woww thank you for the accident fic I was one of the fans who asked for it 😄 maybe it was not fun for you as much as other but I really enjoyed it (guess I'm a huge fan of those kind unexpected drama and sacrifice lol) Tbh, I don't want to bore you, or mess your schedule and attention but I can't help myself! Well, ok, I admit I'm a drama-addict and love to read other's reactions to it. Sorry for insisting!!

So it's just a tiny request, it really doesn't have to a fic-long as usual (if you want to write that way of course it's way better for me lol) I'm just curious about how would Isiah feel and think when he found out about the accident. I understand that this kind of trauma can be healed easily for wolves and not a concern, and Hex&Arnie got through it well, but it could be worse, right? Idk maybe Arnie would feel stressed about it afterwards and worry about Hex even though he's already healed. He might also blame himself for what happened as he was driving? Anyways, would you consider write another part stress sick Arnie and caretaker Isiah?

-🛼

I mean, this is fitting, since Arnie doesn't get stress sick, but he gets stress migraines. And we didn't have him with Isaiah as caretaker for a while...here you go🥰🤗

Stress migraine

Arnie really wanted to have fun today.

Hector was sleeping third day in a row already, tyring to get his shadow back up after all the healing. Nobody really knew, since Hector wouldn't want the pack to know and refused to call anyone.

Arnie understood. It was usually just the two of them, when something bad happened to either. Hector never let himself or Arnie find out if they had other people they could trust.

But now they had someone like that back. Someone they could call.

Other thing was that there wasn't really much to tell. Hector was fine, the car was getting fixed, Arnie wasn't hurt very much. What was he supposed to make a scene for, when there was no proof something even happened?

He caught himself looking for the little wound in his hair in the mirror just to make sure he didn't dream the whole accident up.

They had a scheduled meeting with Isaiah on Saturday though and Arnie figured it was a good opportunity as any to get out and distract himself.

He wanted to stop waking up to the fear he was back at the car or keep checking Hector every 30 minutes like he would start coughing blood out of his sleep all of sudden.

No, this was good.

Isaiah took him on a tour around Vienna. He said it was a scandal Arnie didn't get to see the center yet and that he didn't know all the sights by memory now.

Isaiah definitely did. They took Tram D around the main ring of the first district. Many important things were all after each other, parliament, city hall, the two giant museums of natural history and art history right across each other, the giant theater, the Butterfly House...

Isaiah refused to take a car, when everything was so well-connected and they spend the day on foot, from one park to another, one big street to another.

Isaiah seemed to have a thought out plan of switching between greenery and impressive buildings, talking all about the style of architecture, how many times they were rebuild, who famous lived there.

Arnie was so overwhelmed with all the information he stopped putting it together halfway through. He took comfort from just Isaiah's relaxed mood, his zealous voice and ardent expression.

Everything was all good with the world again. One could believe it, listening to him.

Somewhere around midday they went to get lunch near the Schonenbrun castle and gardens, Isaiah treating him to schnitzel and cake for good measure. He never let Arnie pay for anything when they were together.

"I have the same inheritance as you do," Arnie objectdd as he took a sip from his cold brew coffee.

Isaiah smiled. "Yeah, but we will start this talk once you make your own. Rich or not, there is nothing like getting a paycheck for the first time. Your effort, you decision."

"So you want to pay for everything with what you earn?"

"The assistance job I got at the uni pays well. I also helped out with a city planning project last year that had very good funding."

Arnie leaned back in the chair. "That's cool. What about your whole wolf helping activities? Hector says you get called to things all around the city. Do you get any pay from that?"

Isaiah took a spoonful of his chocolate lava cake. "No, I don't do that for money. I like helping out."

"You shouldn't be doing that for free though, when it takes so much of your time. Or is it the contacts and favours you gather that way?"

"Isn't it worthwhile and helpful when you can give people things without having them pay for it?"

"Yeah sure, but that's sustainable if you actually use all the money you were born with. If you were born with it." He was getting the impression Isaaih didn't like relying on anything that came from their father. "Besides, don't people take skills and advice more seriously if they have to pay for it? If you give it for free, they might not take any interest at all. It's a way to show them something is valuable."

"What exactly would I call it? Hello, I have experience that your shadow is entirely manageable with the right kind of training, but your pack doesn't seem to know, so come and listen to me?" Isaiah shook his head. Way to insult the pack and trivialise the wolf's problems.

"You have expert training from leading packs of the West. If you wanted to make that systematically accessible through courses or stuff, I think people would find it easer to find you. You could even prevent most of the problems the packs and human authorities call you to."

Isaiah chuckled. "You aren't the first one to suggest something like that. Matthew said something similar. Even Seline said I could make it a job. I don't know. I like working in the academic environment as well."

"It's not like you would have to choose between one or the other. Plus academic jobs are pretty instable I hear."

"You didn't even start uni yet and you are hearing about uni conditions?"

Arnie shrugged. "Lots of protests about the Mittelbau and the time constrained chain contracts around lately." Apprently 80% of the academic workforce that didn't have safe professor status worked under conditioned contracts, always afraid if they were going to be prolonged or not and if they wouldn't have to move to another town just to get a job they specilized in.

"It's impressive you can understand it. You still thinking about law school?"

"Yep." Hector was very careful about not mentioning it too much so Arnie wouldn't feel pressured, but he knew Hector would find it useful. Even wolves had to respect the law.

And Arnie would love to feel a bit more powerful around them.

"You are still studying it too?"

"Additional classes and courses, yeah. It's not my main subject, but it's useful in practice."

Arnie hummed, satisfied with the prognosis of that. He wanted to know useful important stuff.

They talked some more about law and different teaching styles of different faculties.

Everything was going well, except the sun was becoming a bit too much and Arnie's temples were starting to pulse.

Why now? He finally relaxed, finally forgot about what happened at home...

His stomach flipped at the reminder. He was pleasantly full just a minute ago, but now it felt like too much.

They paid and strolled around the gardens, when Arnie said: "Let's sit in the shade for a bit?"

Isaiah gave him a puzzled look that they barely got up and Arnie wanted to sit down already, but complied.

For such a historical sight, there were lots of people chilling on the benches in the shadows. Lots of trees planted for that purpose aside all the magnificently styled flowers everywhere.

"It's really hot today," Arnie said, tugging at the collar of his buttonup. Short sleveed, but still.

"There is a good ice cream stand nearby. I'll get you some." Isaiah patted him on the back as he left.

Arnie slumped back on the bench, relieved to be out of sight for a bit. He didn't want to ruin the tour that Isaiah planned out so carefully, but his head was positively pounding.

He didn't get a headache after the accident. That was weird in hindsight. Usually, when something stressful like that happened, he would absolutely get one.

He must have been too worried for Hector to let himself relax enough for it to set in. Veins must have finally opened from their tense contraction, and that's what made it painful.

Cold sweat was gathering at the back of his neck. His right temple felt like someone was putting a drill to it, while the other was held in a crushing grip.

The sunlight was so blinding, even though he was in a nice shade. He felt goosebumps on his arms, as his lovely lunch churned inside him.

Arnie leaned forward, planting his elbows on his knees as he swallowed heavily against the saliva pooling in his mouth.

His stomach let out an angry whine, cramping up. Arnie hid his face in his hands, taking quick shallow breaths. Not now, not now, not now.

He groaned as his lunch roiled inside him, sniffling. There weren't many people around him in particular but this was still a public space. Beautiful gardens under a tree with a view of the castle, no less.

A burp snuck its way past his lips. His upper lip was covered in sweat now too. He could taste the salt as he licked his lips.

Arnie knew from experience it would only make him more miserable to fight it. The pain in his temples pulsed in synch with his heartbeat.

When he looked up from his hands, the sunlight pierced his eyes even stronger. The pain in his left temple spiked and Arnie heaved, pulling his feet more apart.

He swallowed the first retch down, but the second almost made him choke. Letting his head hang between his knees, he burped, the third wave bringing up the cake and the cold coffee onto the ground.

His brain was buzzing in his skull, so he kept his eyes closed, completely giving in to the sensations. Another wave of puke landed between his feet. Arnie only hoped his shoes wouldn't get dirty.

"Aww kiddo. What happened to you?" He felt Isaiah's cold hand against his nape. Isaiah discarded the two scones of ice cream on the ground at the sight, sitting down gently next to him.

That's when another wave of yellow brown puke found its way up, tasting of the potato salad and meat. Arnie groaned, back arching as he vomited up the longest stream yet.

Isaiah held his shoulder to steady him, rubbing up and down with his thumb. "What happened? Did you feel sick suddenly? Or before? Is it the sun?"

Arnie burped emptily, spitting at the pool between his feat. The smell was making him nauseous still.

"I thought we took enough breaks in the shade. Maybe I miscalculated. You are sweating all over."

Arnie sniffled, his nose running. He kept his eyes closed still, the pounding in his head worse whenever the tried to open his eyes. He tilted towards Isaiah's voice blindly.

Isaiah obediently filled in the spot, letting Arnie lean against his shoulder. "Shhhhh. All good now. We will cool you down and you will feel better in no time."

Arnie sniffled again, curling into Isaiah's clean cologne, probably leaving a trail of snot behind. "Head hurtsss."

"I know, buddy, I know."

"...wanna go home."

Isaiah nodded over his head. "I'll call a taxi. We can go to my place too..."

Arnie shook his head. "Home." He wanted his own bed, his curtains, his medicine, though it would probably take a bit for his stomach to settle enough for it.

Isaiah was quite as they waited, only wrapping his arm around Arnie and helping him up when the taxi came. It was more or less a blurr for Arnie, who was glad Isaiah took over so eagerly, masterfully, despite not even knowing what was wrong.

As they sat in the back of the car, Arnie buried his face in Isaiah's chest, trying to muffle the sounds and light as much as possible.

"You will be okay. Just breathe."

"I'm sorry I ruined the trip."

"You didn't, you didn't. Should have chosen a later hour. With this heat-"

"Not the heat," Arnie sighed. "Migraine."

Isaiah tensed underneath him. "I'm sorry, what?"

"Miragine. It's fine. Not...not your fault."

"Since when do you get migraines?" Isaiah said in a strangled voice.

"Since I was 12? Or 13? Something like that." He moaned quietly as the car took a turn and jostled him.

Isaiah tighed his grip around his torso. They sat in silence for a while before he spoke again. "How often do you get them?"

"Not regularly anymore. Something...usually something triggers it."

Isaiah's hand went up his arm, gently sneaking into his sweaty hair. When Arnie leaned into the touch, Isaiah started rubbing at his temples gently.

"What triggered it this time?" Isaiah asked softly.

The car jostled them again, making them both jump up and down on their seats. Arnie tensed up, then buried his face against Isaiah's neck with a moan.

Isaiah held him as tight as he could without making it painful. Arnie fought against the growing pressure behind his eyes, lips pressed together.

"Arnie?"

Isaiah's voice was so soft and concerned in his ear it got the tears spilling down Arnie's cheeks. "I-it's nothing. Nothing really happened. We-we just-" He sobbed quietly.

"Shhhhh."

"We-we were in a car accident with Hex. Three days ago." He felt the coldness wash over them as the car came into the underground parking place of their apartment complex. Arnie blinked, leaning back, blinking his eyes open in relief at the darkness.

He looked at Isaiah with teary eyes. "I-I was driving and it wasn't my- but Hex, he- protected me and got super hurt and, and he is fine now..."

Isaiah watched him carefully, green eyes of the same shade meeting his. They seemed to have a glow in the dark from how intensity he focused on Arnie.

"But I was really scared, you know? And it's stupid to be upset about it, cause nothing h-happened-"

"It's not stupid. It was scary and horrible, no matter the outcome. I'm sorry."

"B-but I shouldn't be upset, right? Cause we are fine, we are both fine-" His breath hitched with another sob as another tear ran down his cheek. Some part of his brain wondered how the taxi driver didn't say a thing, waiting for Arnie to cry his eyes out on his backseat.

Isaiah brushed some sweaty blond hair away from Arnie's forehead. "And that's important that you are both healthy and okay. But it makes perfect sense you are upset too. You are allowed to get scared and worried."

Arnie's face twisted with another sob as Isaiah petted his hair gently, carefully watching him for any signs it was making the headache worse. But the pressure was really going down as Arnie let the emotion go, through words and tears.

"We didn't have to go out today if you were upset," Isaiah said.

"I wanted to see you though. And we had it scheduled..." so it was the best opportunity.

"If you called me, I would have come. We don't have to just meet when it's 'scheduled' or when you need help with something serious, you know?" Isaiah was still combing Arnie's hair away, when he started to look through his pockets with their other hand, manifesting a paper towel out of nowhere. "Here."

Arnie wiped his face and carefully blew his nose.

"I want to know when something happens in your lives. Good or bad, big or small," Isaiah said, no trace of reproach in his voice, though he sounded firm. "I want to be in the picture."

Arnie felt better hearing it somehow. It was like a permission to call him, even when the trouble wasn't real. Even if it was just Arnie wanting to talk.

The younger boy took a shaky breath, offering Isaiah a shy smile.

[aleksa-sims]

RL Story

Now we were finally at N.’s Mom's. I couldn't wait to see, what a surprise N. got for me? He told me a bit about it 2 weeks ago, when we were visiting his Mom at her new place. Anyway, today I’ll find out what N. has planned for me.

As we came into the house his Mom was totally surprised, that we showed up there today.

N.'s Mom: Hey guys! What-... are you doing here? 😧

Nico: I wanna show her what you and I..... prepared for her.

N.'s Mom: But it's not finneshed yet N.! I told you I’d call you as soon as I was done.

Nico: Chill, Ma! I almost finished it the other day . So, it's ok! She's gonna love it.

N's Mom: All right. I hope you like it A.!..... I’m really looking forward to the Baby. And you and N. are always welcome here.

Me: I think I know what you two... got for me. I can't wait to see it. 🤩 Um...yea, thank you for everything.

N.'s Mom: I just wish it was all done. But I promise you, in a week or so, it will look nice here.🙂

Me: It's all fine. I know you have a lot to do rn.

N.'s Mom: Yk, the move was not planned, otherwise your surprise would have been ready in time, for your birthday 2 weeks ago. This mess here, was a... surprise to me too. But it just had to be. 🤷‍♀️😕 Anyway, now go up and see what Nico got for you. 🫠

I knew it! This is exactly what I was hoping for! Now we have almost everything our Baby will need. Even though..... we’ll be homeless in a few weeks. 😬

Me: Wow, N., that's-...so cute and.... beautiful! 😍 W-when and how did you do that? 😳

Nico: How?.... Well, I put the cot together. I bought all this stuff when you were in the hospital. That one day, your Mom came to us. Actually, I wanted to show it to you long ago, but then Ma moved and... I didn’t know where we’d live with our Baby? That’s why I brought you here last week. I wanted to see, if you like this place?.. It’s not far away from your family. Ma offered to live here with you until our own apartment is finished. She chose the crib. I wasn't really sure, yk? All this baby stuff kind of.... overwhelmed me. But the stroller babe, was my choice!

Me: Yeah, I see it’s green, your fav color. Thank you N.! You did a great job.... Really, I didn’t think you could.... do this. 😳🥰

Me: You're amazing! You’re gonna be a great Dad. I'm so happy having a Baby with you. Honestly! ILY, sm..... And I’m so sorry about what I did with D., for deceiving you. 😞

Nico: Nothing happend, that's all that matters. Besides, I wasn’t any better. But anyway, don’t want to talk about it anymore.... So, what you think? Are we moving here for a few months?

Me: I promised you, I’d do whatever you wanted, but I wanna talk to your Mom first. I need to hear it from her, that this is okay for her & her partner.

Nico: She and your Mother talked about it. We’ll be at your parents house a lot, too, but-.... me & your Dad under the same roof??.. Idk if I’m gonna get along with him? That’s why we better move in here for now. Ok? 😬

Me: I can’t live without you. I can’t do this without your help anyway. As long as you’re by my side. 🥰

Nico: I’ll do anything for you, babe.... And our boy.

I couldn’t believe what he’s done for us & our Baby. It was so cute, but I wasn’t 100% sure, if I would be able to live here? Tbh I didn’t really have a choice anyway. However, I was looking forward to our new apartment and was so happy with him. Nevertheless, let’s see what his Mom and her spouse will say to me/us. I mean, they agreed and were happy, that Nico and I were moving in. Still, I had to talk to them about it first.

Previous/Next

[annbourbon]

The Ssum - My diary with Harry Choi.

⚠️⚠️Spoilers ahead⚠️⚠️

First it was cloudy.

We got to know each other. My feelings for you were nothing more than love-hate relationship. I could not even put up with you and you were so annoying. but funny in a way.

30 days after knowing each other i still didn't feel like falling in love with you. But i kept playing and tagging on with your adventures.

Then it was burny. My heart started to skip beats around you. you were a bit mean at the beginning trying to scare me. you did scare me. TT that painting now is haunting my nightmares.

You decided to have a tattoo. I chose the moon. Because of my love for the moon. Because of the ever changing moon. The one that can help the tide rise even though she's far away. Because of my love for sailor moon. and because of Selene and the legend of prince Endymion.

Tbh i didn't even think through. all i thought was, i want you to have something that reminds you of me on your skin. i want you. i want to mark you as mine. but.... ohhh... i should have seen it coming. day 44. lol

TBH still don't love you. just.... not yet. i don't think i ever realized of my own feelings.

Other things happened and i was more focused on Teo than thinking about you. I wanted to know more about Zen's life too.

2 months into you and I just keep thinking to myself that we're good friends now.

Then Pi planet came.

You learned to apologize. Sincerely. And i didn't even force you.... but that day was.... very special to me. I started to like you. For real.

You put on cat ears. You went to the amusement park for me. And took the longest and fullest line just to ride on my favorite rollercoaster. You liked it. You liked my suggestions. You didn't enjoy the people, but you liked my suggestions. you ate what i picked for you too.

It was quite fun. we are 62 days into.

Day 68. i realized your heart belongs to someone else. i don't know why but i cried.

I realized that it's never gonna be me. i decided to not pursue you.

You talked about miracles happening. i'm confused but i will keep following you around. quietly. i don't want my feelings to be a burden to you. actually~ sincce the day you rejected me... i never ever said anything else about it. i hope you notice that at least. i think i'm accepting being a second character here.... even though i yearn for love. more specifically, your love.

Day 71. my heart skipped a big one this time. I saw you and myself under a different light. you told me i should be selfish. that i'm way too kind. i just wanted to let you sleep.

i blinked through tears again. my father has been calling me selfish and ungrateful since i was a baby/toddler. i never realized i could be called kind and selfless. i'm shaking. and you kind of cured a big scar for me. i think i'm falling for you.

Day 79. you decided to start baking. and we talked. and talked. and talked.

Day 80. you're behaving a bit different today.... why don't you want to let me go? lolol it's fun but i have other things to do... i was confused that day.

Dayy 85. you protected our carrots. i'm definitely falling for you... i can't help it. i can't help myself.

Day 87. ..... my heart is a big mess. there's an angel. he said you're gonna break my heart. i.... i received a call from your future you. you hate me so much.... i've been shaking and crying for three days now. all the time. i barely eat. and now i cannot and i don't want to get close... just being around you makes me shiver.

makes my heart break into pieces.. i can't breathe. i never realized how painful it was. no one ever said that they hated me.

I guess i'm lucky... lucky because i've been living my whole life through and people around love me. like really love me. going to extremes sometimes. but they love me.

I.... want to apologize to everyone i have ever hurt by saying that i hated them or despised them. i want to hug them. and sincerely say that i'm sorry. i don't think anyone deserves to be hated. it's so painful it crushes you.

Day 89. i've been quite distant. you're noticing it.

Day 90.... that was flirting. i'm quite sure you were flirting. why!? you don't like me.... not in a romantic way... i don't understand... but made my heart skip a beat again. you made me blush. and somehow i feel like, maybe? maybe i can~ maybe i have you. the present you. and maybe i can change the future? maybe? maybe you won't hate me~? i'm confused and i step out a bit. i'm crying again but i feel lighter. i have hope now.

Day 93 and 94. you're gorgeous. and you're enjoying and i'm enjoying. tain is noisy but it's fun lol

Day 95. i remember the pinapple i chosenthe other day. again. for you. another tattoo... it's heart melting....

Day 97... is it today? i learned some spoilers by accident. my heart is trying to pull it off... it wasn't. i'm happy....

Day 100 and 101..

You confessed.... you confessed you didn't want me to go away. you want to live with me. And you want to live under my constellation. And you were quite romantic about it. i had the perfect opportunity to say that i love you. i didn't. i just enjoyed the moment. i was a bit afraid to say it first. you just said you like me. can i just enjoy that? yeah it's enough. you don't hate me. you like me. and me above else it's gonna live with you. my heart is skipping a lot of beats today. and i'm blushing. i might enter into cardiac arrest lololol

uhhh my constellation~? *looking into it because doesn't know my own constellation lol* Harry seems to know me better than i do sometimes

i tried to call you honey. it only made everything awkward. i myself didn't feel like, i want to call you that. we're not like that. it felt off and fake. yeah, let's not.

Day 103... you love to feed me don't you? lol pls stop because if i get fatter it'll be all your fault.

i love how much effort you put into it all tho

Day 105... i'm getting jealous and highly suspicious of everyone around you who (~Lover, Taylor Swift) you're so hot and gorgeous.... i love you so much...

Day 106... oh~

i wasn't prepared. i ended up crying. i was stuck in my house and carrying water and i got wet and there was a huge mess. and it's been a couple of bad days for me but you have a way to make them good. today was not the case. my heart is~ not feeling well..

I ended up crying. and i'm not sure why but i think i'm gonna cry a lot tomorrow too...

tomorrow is my birthday... but you're going to ruin it. don't you?

i don't want to enter. i want to avoid you all along. but it's my birthday. i want you to say something to me...

So i enter. knowing it's gonna be a lot of drama. *sighs* i made a playlist about you. it doesn't end in a happy note though.

♡~Birthday call~♡... I joked about it you know? I never actually expected of you to say it. But my heart skipped about a mile when you said I love you.

You asked me to wish upon something. I don't think I have something to wish for... maybe because we're in a different universe. But if I had a wish... I wish... I wish for~

Day 107: I tried to be angry. I tried to be jealous. I couldn't. You said you wanted to hug me and that you found the whole situation disheartening. That calmed me in a way I never thought it'd be possible. I usually get angrier when things go south. And no one is able to calm me. You just did it. I have you. It's all that matters. I won't be bothered by that. I love you. Finally my heart can have some peace.

"I don't want people to get curious about you" Is he that jealous~? lol I can't say if he's jealous or not.... maybe protective of me? uhmmm the other reason would be too painful....

☆ I'm editing this through the whole journey. Just not often. Because I can rant a lot sometimes and I want this to be just the most important and noteworthy things I experienced through.☆

[nina206]

Helloo Nina!! It's been a good minute since we last chatted I feel like - how's life been treating you? Has spring come for you where you live? c:

Also! I just wanted to comment on the last time I sent an ask, since I forgot to respond (sorry about that btw!): Your music taste is reallyyy cool!!!! I loved seeing such an extensive look into what you like, and I honestly can't say I recognised any of the songs :0 Which means that I still hope to listen to all of them at some point, since I'm sure your taste is awesome

Also as one last thing, you had three exams in one day?? That's so impressive, how'd they go? (if it's not weird to be asking that this long after they happened lol XD)

Alrighty, I need sleep now, but thank you for being such a kind friend! I'm glad to know you and be friends, even if we don't chat that often ^-^ Have a lovely day/night!!!! :D

Heyy!! I might be a little late to answer this, I didn't see you write to me. :'D But sure, we really haven't spoken in a while-

And yes, the spring blooms have already arrived, and the weather is starting to get pleasantly warm. :3 I live in Hungary btw. As for life... I think it's quite good, actually, I just had a (1) nightmare today x'D I have a few things on my mind tbh, but other than that, everything is fine, thank you for asking! <3

I started watching a series (Arcane), which I finished in less than a week and a half, I still can't get over it, it was so gripping! Do you have a similar series that you find difficult for you to let go of?

Also, I'm really glad to hear that you like my taste in music, so now there are two of us who like it xDD I'd be curious to know which one is your favorite! - or what kind of music do you listen to, I don't remember if I asked before 🫣

And yes, there really was a day when I had three exams in one day ToT XD It's not weird that you ask such questions, feel free! - unfortunately I don't remember examtly (exactly, haha) how it ended up, but I know I messed up one of them, but everything was fine with the other two?

I hope everything is good with you, I'd love to talk to you if you think so! And happy birthday!! <33

[itneverendshere]

I'M SO SORRY THIS IS LONG, but I need someone to vent to and I'm thinking the more information the better. I'm a mess right now. 😭 I've been talking to a guy, we matched but we are literally on different continents/time zones, so it's more for fun and because we are very similar. Nothing is obviously gonna ever come from it. He seems really sweet and mature. We have both opened up about our worst traumatic experiences and he has been super supportive on days when I have been really low. So for backstory; guys I have dated have always made me feel like I'm not ''pretty enough'' either by cheating or literally saying it in some sort of way. Me and this guy have exchanged nudes (without faces) and we have been really dirty and flirty with it. He has constantly ''hyped me up'' and given me so many compliments, making me feel special and pretty. We have also shown each others faces (without saving it) Today I sent him a drunk text of stuff I wanted to do sexually. But I also wrote a little bit about my insecurities again. Come to him answering it, and he adressed some of the stuff I was saying, ''Well do you think I'm a 10/10. I'm not. If you think your ugly then what am I. I'm like a 6😭. I think you're an 8. '' And for some reason that REALLY hurt me and sent me into a bawling mess. I known that an 8 is not bad but for some reason, it just triggered me so bad. I feel like I'm always ''good but not good enough'' and it hurts so bad. There is always this constant reminder in my life in the past with guys of being pretty, but not pretty enough. It also made me feel so embarressed for all the photos I've sent where he has probably been thinking ''Gorgeous, but not gorgeous enough'' or overthink all the compliments he has given me now. I let him know how I felt and that I kind of feel like he ''ruined'' us talking now because now I have all these negative thoughts about it. He felt really really bad saying that, ''Sorry, I thought you were asking. Is 8 bad? And just to add, I don't see anyone as a 10. You are enough. I've meant every word that I've said, I think you're beautiful. I'm a bit hurt that you are thinking about throwing this way. I'm really sorry. You are beautiful enough. You're like the highlight of my day and I don't wanna lose you. You are more then pretty enough, I didn't mean it that way. Your seriously everything to me, don't go. '' I don't know what to do at this point. I just don't think that I can talk to someone knowing I'm an 8 for some reason. That probably sounds so ridiciolus but guys in my past have damaged me SO BAD and made me feel ugly. Feel free to slap some sense it to me and tell me I'm being a stupid loser. I don't know what to do

first of all, sending you the biggest virtual hug right now 🤍

you are NOT a “stupid loser” for feeling the way you do. your feelings are valid, and it’s okay to be hurt!!! it’s hard to not let those old wounds resurface when something even remotely triggers them, but, the way those other guys treated you? that was a reflection of THEM, not you.

i get why that comment stung, especially with your history. even though logically you know an 8 isn’t bad, it hit that sensitive spot that’s been bruised over and over before. it’s not ridiculous to feel that way, but ALSO, look at how he immediately backtracked and explained himself! it doesn’t sound like he meant it as a put-down at all—he was trying to level with you, not hurt you and tbh, his response after shows he does value you!! now the important part, what do YOU want from this connection? it sounds like you two have had something really special, even across continents, but if this is making you feel worse about yourself, it’s okay to pause and reevaluate. just know that the way you’re feeling now isn’t because you’re not enough—it’s because you’ve been hurt before, and healing takes time 💔 it's not the same for everyone and that's okay.

maybe give yourself some space to process before making any big decisions about whether to keep talking to him. if you choose to keep this going, let him know what you need emotionally—he seems like the type to step up 🥹

[hospitalterrorizer]

diary173

3/6-7/2024

wednesday - thursday

the weekend is going well. or like, my weekend. i guess,

we did errands today. i didn't realize it was tomorrow that my gf was leaving for montreal for 10 days. i'm going to be alone a while. i'm going to miss her a lot. so we had fun today, we went to sorry not sorry, which is some fancy icecream place. it was really good. i got stuff for myself, in the house, and i spent some more money on skincare stuff for the 2 of us. roc retinol, which is mostly for old people i guess but...if it works well for them, just imagine what it could do for us... i guess that makes me sound crazy but i guess i sort of am. it'll be nice to not use retinol from samples for a while, and as long as i keep this job i think i can keep a steady supply of good retinol and other serums, i suppose.

i also got dressed up cute i think, i took selfies, i'll post them tomorrow. maybe. i think. i'll try at least.

despite it being errand day i liked it, i guess just because i was out with my gf for a while. for a bit i wasn't, she had to go to the dentist's to get a final crown for one of the teeth that's been bothering her. very expensive but important for her wellbeing. there's others, but that one seems to have been the biggest issue, so there can be some time between. her mom bought me some stuff at the thrift store, or we went to two, today, i got some stuff at both. i got shorts and a cute shirt at one, the shorts are low rise and small, which is good, because i like to dress like that i guess, and the shirt is very cute. i'll take pics of these when i find what to wear them in. i also got some thin and kind of like, i guess librarian-ish 2007-y glasses, i popped the lenses out, they were like 2 dollars. my gf got a really good shirt, at the 2nd one, a really pretty button up thing, and these crazy shoes that i think i might try to wear a lot . tbh. in the winter at least.

i'm talking about trivial stuff i guess, though. i was just in bed w/ my gf, she'll be leaving at 8pm tomorrow, she flies away at 10. i'm going to be sad, for 10 days. i don't really know how i'll feel going to bed alone. it's going to be the first time in a while i think. it happened when we moved to the first place, because she had to stay at her mom's for work for a few extra weeks. but since, i think we've not ever been very far apart, for very long at least.

of course we started kind of far apart cuz during covid i couldn't go anywhere cuz of my stepdad but that's a whole other thing. i don't really want to be alone in here i guess. i don't like thinking about it, also. it'll be good for recording but i'm going to miss just being in her presence/wake, able to interact and stuff. talk about whatever, have her talk to me about whatever. she is good at that, i don't really say a lot unless spoken to, and she likes to talk. she's good at drawing me out.

she is also very sad. i think it will hit her kind of hard in the hotel. not that she's not feeling it or anything, but i guess it's going to hit us both when it's time to sleep, and we can't really occupy ourselves or anything.

i know i'll probably vc with her on discord and stuff, and others too maybe. but idk. part of me wants to use this time to just get as much done as i can on the record, within reason. not singing late or anything but it gives me some more room to get stuff out.

regarding music, i recorded some stuff today on that one song that was giving me trouble, i've at least got an idea for delivery down, i might need to retry, with some more, idk, something, on the vocals, a different tone i guess, but the rhythm is there i think.

i also have been mixing another song, and the vocals i have for that, the tiny pieces at least, sound good, so there's at least one really solid vocal layer and then some stuff i just need to accentuate/layer on top of that. it's kind of a pain getting the guitar synth stuff right, not tonally, but mix-wise, i'm trying something now where i mess w/ stereo image stuff to get things to move in a way, out of stereo and into mono, that type of thing.

and one more export, and this should be good... i know i said i wanted to get 2 songs done today, i guess i kinda did, the other song i worked on is also sounding better broadly, mix-wise, since i messed around w/ that.

alright so... if that one's like done, with getting to sound right, that means there's 14 songs left, and the ones that are after the next 2 are all just going to be updated to this new saturator process, which will be be easy and i can do it transparently kinda i think. or i hope. i can make the saturation less extreme with these ones if need be, and if it frees up space in the mix, then that'll be super good + awesome and i can maybe squeeze more detail out of the songs or whatever. those i could maybe even do in like... i don't wanna promise it to myself or whatever, but 2 days? we'll see. those 12 should not be as much of a headache as some of these other ones.

i also read foucault today, as things were exporting earlier, very good as usual. one part struck me, about how the need to punish + torture, or torture being a punishment, as well as capital punishment, death + loss of limb and so on, was that it was not just to keep people in line via consequence, but also, as foucault puts it, to 'use terrorizing tactics' to take revenge against being outside the law, or the will of the sovereign. when you see this, where tactics of punishment and pain become not about consequence, where the relation is less simple, and more about asserting power and dominance once again, to express who creates rules and who directs them, things like that, even now, you will see the vestiges of this process. again, not a new thing to me i guess, but he articulates it well, it makes me think of how i've seen co-workers get yelled at by management at work.

a very minor thing in comparison to historical facts of murder by the sovereigns of europe, but it still seems connected, in odd ways. petty tyrants reigning over us, i guess, in management, everyone vested with these moral gauges and the compulsion to keep everything right, i suppose this is part of the soul he may begin describing, where we all become responsible for our own efficiency, and thus when others fail, it is something of a humiliation to be implicated in their either inability, their ignorance of power, or whatever else.

this i suppose, is why everyone makes jokes at foucault's expense, that everything is a prison. which is true but also a reduction. it's not really that everything is a prison, that's just a useful way to put it i guess to explain, but really it's that the prison is historically a way to organize, and all of us put in this rubric of not just penality, but the improvement of ourselves, and so on, in school, in psychiatry, at work, our time put to bettering something, that something vague, by necessity, the prison outlines not just institutions, but the world the institutions would like to produce, i suppose. and so with that, comes the thought that everything is a prison. it is perhaps something else more complex and strange, that depends one me and where the book takes me, it is where i lean, it is elucidated in other works certainly, the odd world we live in now. where there are huge suggestions of like, caring about others, lip service to 'mental health' and other things that one would imagine are positive, even ideas like fairness, kindness, all requiring a fact that you have to deign to give these things, people receive from you in those cases, a condescending in ways we are taught to be positive and show concern, in a world like this, everything is trying to be as friendly as possible. this is why the police destroy homeless camps where people are surviving, and are truly kind to one another by building fires to cook over, collecting resources, because this is unpleasant to see. i guess an ultimate wound to everyone in this area, it's twofold, to know that this is what awaits you should you fail, that at this economic class should the bottom give out, there is no longer anything to catch you accept people who are abused, frightened, and starving, and they will catch you, and then 2, you will work hard, for so little, because the world is so violently exclusive, in such bright colors.

and now i need to sleep, the song is sounding good now, i think, which makes me happy.

it feels ugly to say that after what i had just written, but it's all i can think to do really.

so,

byebye!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[odannygirl7]

the cleaning guy started getting really squirrelly...

like right away he started talking about how there was so much stuff and it was such a mess and there were chemicals and half full paint cans and he wasn't even done with the garage and already filled a 25yd dumpster and he'd have to get more and it's going to cost more and it's an enormous job and how it's two feet deep in every room. And I saw pictures and yeah it was a mess but this was high key whining about a job he didn't have to take, very weird vibes. I even asked the lawyer to make sure they actually waked him through to begin with because he seemed so shocked and overwhelmed.

And honestly I thought he'd charge maybe a few hundred dollars more and I was willing to do that, because I'm a push over. But when he finished he sent me an invoice for $2000 over what he said it would cost and I was like "umm, no", like I didn't tell him I told the lawyer, because she recommended him and now I don't know what to do. He sent the invoice Sunday, he already agreed to not getting paid until I sell the house so there's no rush, and then I kinda checked out yesterday, cause it was my birthday and all he was going to do was drop some stuff off at the ups store and return the key to the lawyer and I'd already had everything in place for the ups store with a credit card and everything.

Before he gave me the invoice he also started going on about how he had a friend who maybe wanted to buy the house and wanted to know how much I wanted and I was like I'm just looking at offers now, but I've looked into the prices of similar house around and he's like well I buy and flip houses too and the market is really bad and I have a house in another town with two acers that I haven't been able to sell and I'm like ok, cause wow combined with the previous complaining this is not the way to go about a business transaction with someone you don't know at all.

So yesterday he freaked out on me, texted a bunch of times like 'did you get the invoice I sent stuff to ups did you get the invoice ?????????? I'm taking the invoice to the lawyer since you're not responding' and then calling me like five times.

And I do not respond to stuff like that, like I'm pretty bad about responding at the best time, I know it's an issue for me, but demanding and frantic actions like that? Nope. This wasn't like a week later this was not even a day. So I had let the lawyer know about the invoice increase and when she emailed me back I told her about the freak out and how she should have a copy of the invoice and the key cause he was supposed to return it already and she emailed be back and she has to talk to the main lawyer cause he never showed up, never delivered the invoice like the said, never returned the key, said he'd be there Monday, then said he'd be there today, still hasn't shown up.

So now I'm like yikes, so sorry this is a mess.

I also told her that I would not be responding to him because I wasn't comfortable with how he's been acting and that I'm fine with paying the top end of what he quoted but with everything going on I don't think I should pay more.

And tbh the money isn't an issue, I'm not happy about it, but like if he had either been upfront about a possibility of charging more or if he had expressed any kind of like apologizing about it now costing more instead of "this is awful and so much and such a huge job it's going to cost this much more is that okay" because no way did I think it'd be also twice the price. Like he either doesn't know how to do his job well enough to estimate or he made a bad call or he outright lied to me to get the job but I don't like any of those options combined with the very bizarre attitude and vibes and stuff.

[moonlightandromache]

I was a classic girly girl as a kid so I wasn't watching any of the animated shows. I got into superheroes after watching the 2012 Avengers movie (which I still refused to watch for years) and I finally like really liked superheroes but it was a very fake, dabbling interest, and then my brother started sending me screenshots of injustice panels and now I don't shut up. 

I also primarily am a DC girlie, most Marvel I've read is either for specific Characters (Black widow, mostly) or because my eighth grade teacher lent me the comics. 

It's so annoying to have to find them, and worse when it's like random issues? So you're like "oh is this the new issue of (comic)? Well,,, it is *an* issue." And then you click on it and have to get like halfway through to know if you've read it or not. 

And some of them really are *so* long and that's so much to keep track of- I used to just have like 100 open tabs on my phone and they were all just different comics I was reading. Then I made a list just to remember what still running comics I was even reading so I'd remember to read new issues and that didn't even work. 

I loved BOP don't get me wrong! (Especially since I don't know if I already said that) but I am also the type of person who will complain about every little thing. (not all the time, and usually just inside my head, but like one thing I usually bring up with the movie is the way it's kind of weird that they like? Smashed Black Canary's two backstories together to make one? It's just a weird choice to me so I'll talk about that but it doesn't ruin the movie for me) Cass However is a big thing Im not a fan of. They didn't even make her a better character she's just lame. 

And in movies generally it's kind of annoying how studies and other movies can dictate things. I don't know if that makes sense, but how like in Marvel Spiderman was owned by someone else so he could never be in the main timeline. I understand why but it's still? Sad I guess? I don't think any of that made sense I am so sorry. 

I'm also sad that the DCEU is just non existent now. They're fumbling that ball so hard. I feel like they finally got somewhere? Like BOP was a very good movie (granted, it didn't get good reviews because women aren't allowed to exist, so I don't know how good it was for the studio's) and wonder woman was doing good. They had a lot of hype. And they just? Threw it away. Gal Gadot was loved as Diana but they threw that out. Same with Henry Cavill. They're making a mistake, I think. 

(I personally would probably consume little DCEU content anyway, because I don't like tv or movies, buy I 100% would've watched the Jurnee Smollet black canary show that was rumored to be in the works and am sad that has been thrown out) 

I've never heard of Luke Mitchell but I just googled him and that's not a bad fancast tbh. I personally am I did hard for Charlie Hunnam's fan cast though I think he's probably too rugged for Ollie. And all of that aside it still would've been really great to get any black canary or black canary and Green Arrow content. 

I bought a new comic today (Batgirl #1, rebirth) and found out I already owned it because my comic collection is such a mess since it's all from the dollarstore :(  I own the first Bombshells United, and other than that I haven't read any. I wanted it to be like, a comic I owned all of and read in person but I don't have the funds for that. 

I might use that site I appreciate that. I do the same thing but what I use is covered in bad pop ups and continuously opens new tabs I have ti be careful to delete and not open (I don't know how I still have a phone, but they almost certainly have all of my personal information). 

I don't know how comics heavy of a mood I'm in ATM (it's one of those things y'know, where you're like !! This is my main hobby!! And then you start it and you're like "I would literally rather die then do this hobby right now." ) but I will try to read the bombshells runs- I went as Bombshell Black Canary for Halloween a few years ago, so I AM a fan. And I'll try to finish secret six (do I know where I am? No. But I think it'll be worth it) 

​​​​​​​Also I'm so sorry that it took me this long I forgot I was doing this and got really distracted trying to see how likely id be to die if I broke into SeaWorld I did not mean to forget to send this 

no need to apologize on timing! i completely understand both life being busy and also being easily distracted & forgetting things. (for example, i started responding to this ask, and then very suddenly decided i needed to finish reading the batgirl 2000 run so that i could start on injustice bc my curiosity for it has been mounting, and now its almost 3am and i really should go to sleep so i might have to draft this to finish responding to hopefully tomorrow, but i’ve got a drive to do tomorrow so it may end up being a bit and now i’m going to apologize for the delay in my response and i do see the irony in that)

i have to ask, are you looking into breaking into seaworld to help the animals or more so just to see thats something you can do (no judgement either way im just genuinely very fascinated by that sentence)

okay under the cut i got ramble again

nothing wrong with being a classy girly girl! i was definitely inbetween being a tomboy and a girly girl personally. i didnt get into the superhero animated shows until i was like, 11? i didnt really have much exposure to superheroes much before finding the shows, but i got my little sibling to watch some of the shows with me

i remember watching the avengers (2012) maybe like a year or so after it came out (it was on netflix at the time) but im pretty sure i started by watching the shows (i remember being disappointed bc the wasp wasnt in the movie even tho in the show she was one of the founding members, which i believe is the same in the comics, and i really liked wasp from the show. i did enjoy the movie, but i never watched any of the sequels until endgame, which at that point i watched solely bc i was promised captain marvel and then they only gave me like 5 minutes of her.

as for marvel comics i’ve mostly read young avengers & runaways stuff. i can’t remember if i got around to any captain marvel comics but i was gifted the novelization that came out after the movie that was like an (unofficial?) prequel to it and i did enjoy reading that.

on the note of random comic issues i literally bought a like 50 pack of random comics that was like idk some kinda deal and that is most of my comic collection which is just literally random issues, i think its all dc stuff but it could be a mix of dc and marvel? i'm back at my parents now so i'll have to dig out the box to take home with me before i leave so i can go through it. another thing thats frustrating with comics is when theres like a uhh like story that spans across multiple different comic runs? like i was reading the 2000 batgirl run as previously mentioned (i have finished it now) but i did ended up just skimming a few issues bc they were a part of some bigger batfam plot that was spanning across other comics and i could not be bothered to go find the issues that that particular story continued through.

totally fair to be the person who likes to complain about every little thing, and super valid to like a movie and also have some issues with it! i can totally respect peoples hangups about the bop movie not being a perfect comic adaptation and i would agree, but to me being a perfect adaptation and being a perfect movie are not mutually exclusive and i will hold it in my heart as a perfect movie aksdjglk (its right up there with the old guard in my personal movie rankings) my problem is when people hate it for stupid reasons (i still remember seeing a post hating on the movie for how it killed black mask ((it wasn't a good enough death for him)) like this movie isn't about him!! hes a loser! the only "better" option for his death is if harley ran him over with a combine tractor bc i think that would be funny as hell. but i dont think gotham is the type of city that has a lot of combine tractors.)

yeah as far as the dceu goes i didnt have any attachment to the batman or superman films (i only watched bvs for wonder woman lajdfkjladf) but like the 1st wonder woman was really good! (didnt watch the second one bc i heard poor reviews of it ((and not just from fanboys who can't take a female centric superhero movie))), i enjoyed the aquaman movie and the 1st shazam (still need to watch the 2nd one) and obviously i loved bop. i was super excited for the batgirl film and the casting of supergirl (would LOVE to see her get a movie!!) i guess we'll just have to see where things go now. alas. i’m more of a tv show guy anyways. (not that there’s the best history for live action dc tv shows either…but they sure do. exist! and i sure have consumed a large quantity!)

yeah i’m also so mad about the BC show being thrown out i was sooo excited for it :(((

god super valid re buying a comic you already have. i lowkey wanna find out if there is a nice comic book store near where im living rn bc at the very least it could be a nice way to force myself to get out for reasons other than to go to work and to grocery stores (though idk if it’s a good idea financially but it could be a cool. occasional treat)

also SUPER valid w the not being in a heavy comic mood, it really is smth that comes n goes like the tide and it’s like a big mental investment (at least in my opinion) to delve into the comics world and sometimes there’s just not enough brain to spare! no worries/pressure on picking it back up. (but if you do, and check out bombshells, united comes after the original run so i would rec starting w the originals first!)

also :O going as bombshells bc for halloween is SO cool mad respect (i loveeeee her bombshells design. which. i love MOST of the bombshells designs but. y’know) i tried to go as black canary for halloween one year i got leather boots and a leather jacket and maybe leather pants and a blonde wig. i was aiming for an arrowverse black canary (e1 laurel lance) but i didn’t really match even that well lol. oh well.

okay i am gonna wrap up this reply bc i do feel like i could ramble literally forever and i already feel bad about the late response but i do have a question regarding injustice. as far as where to start, i looked up the reading order and there’s like the prequel (year zero?) which the article i found said you don’t have to start with or even read at all so i was wondering what your thoughts were on the best place to start/if the prequel is any good

hope you’re having a lovely day!!

[junjiie]

ASSHSSHS YOU LIKE JAEWON! YAYY ٩(^ᗜ^ )و your special (ily bestie westie) i'm just gonna give you a bunch of random jaewon lore fact thingies because your his no.1 fan (real!!)

um number one!!! jaewon was like a super controversial figure during produce x 101 because this man literally says ANYTHING and he cursed like every two seconds (me) and he was SUCH a controversial figure that most korean netizens hated him and started a petition to get him kicked off the show 😭 his controversy was mostly the reason he didn't win 2nd place and was instead booted down to sixth

number two!!! jaewon dated one of his former x1 members and when they broke up the two of them.. well— they kind of got into an ugly argument 🤗! idk if you know anything about x1 but i wont give any hints because i wanna keep that a mystery!! oh and hanbin is pretty jealous because now the two of them are mending their relationship haha drama!!

number three!!! jaewon's parents like- suck ass, i'm not even joking, like they're so horrible that he ran away not once, not twice, but FIVE TIMES just to get away from them cause they really are that bad 😭 (these people should've not had kids), he successfully ran away for good in 2017 when he joined cube entertainment and he hasn't talked to them at all ever since then, they still leave a longlasting mental affect on him because of their emotional abuse though (sorry but trauma!)

number four!!! jaewon and hanbin are a thing…? or are they…? trust me atp they have absolutely no idea what they are 😭 literally EVERYONE knows they like each other but they kinda just let shit happen..? do they like each other? 100%. but they just kinda sit by and just.. go with the flow. will they ever confess? eh.

and lastly, number five!!! a much cuter one that isnt as confusing, jaewon was nicknamed "sleeping koala" because he often clings onto people when he sleeps, like whenever he falls asleep he'll reach out at the first person literally unconsciously and just cling onto them while he sleeps. (he was a stuffed animal kid can you tell?)

um…… yeah! i'll probably make a longer thing abt jaewon facts because theres actually SO MUCH MORE i have to explain when it comes to jaewon because hes a mess (and is currently having a sexuality crisis) so there'll def be a longer post about jaewon 😭

ik you didnt ask for this but anyway ily bestie westie have a great day <333 (i have school tmrw save me)

I AM HIS #1 UR SO RIGHT.. and omg thank u for these HELLO??! eating them all up in three bites and patting my tummy and shit

one - SOOOO REAL OF HIM TBH!!!! an idgaf warrior since the start!!! he went to uni and graduated with honours as a dpmo major!!!! no media training in sight!!!! LOVE THAT 4 HIM!!!! i support all jaewon rights AND wrongs

two - omg drama hii i love that.. ur right ik jack shit ab x1 BYR . let me look them up and make a guess at who it is though........... hyeongjun ? ! ? Am i right

three - EWW BEATS THEM UP AND SETS THEM ON FIRE AND KILLS THEM??! at least he got away though good for him omg . Pats him on the head ☹️

four - Aww gay opeple ❤️ Locks them in a room 4 ever. jaebin 5th generation it couple-not-couple

five - UEE😭🥺💧Eu💧💧E E😭😭E EUE🥺😭UUUE HOLDING HIM RIGHT NWO.......... i will cling onto HIM!!! and then he will call security and they will drag me away kicking and screaming and crying

I WILL LISTEN TO EVERY WORD U EXPLAIN AB HIM I SWEAR HE IS SO . got me wanting to share silly facts now too 😢😢 but def more algorhythm than slow motion......... they are a MESS! and its great

THANK U AGAIN 4 THESE I LOVE THEM I LOVE THEM I LOVE THEM SM <3 i went back to school today!!! i hope it doesnt go too bad for u tmr :( gl bsf

[khodorkovskaya]

okay here we go.

(translated with deepl)

here is my first impression of oxford bestie. when i read this i died. like who is this bella swan mysterious and lonely not-like-other-girls icon???

As I listen to other girls' stories, I look away. There I notice a cute girl with brown hair and fringe. I vaguely remember her from last year. I remember noticing her in maths class. She was sitting so lonely in the corner of the classroom that I thought. felt I felt a little sorry for her. That day, she stood out from everyone I'd seen. That's when I decided that when I moved to this school, I'd try to make friends with her. Today, she looks the same lonely, even though she's surrounded by people. I find it strange that, instead of standing with everyone else, it's like she's trying to fit in with the guys. I'm gonna have to find out more about her.

this is the part i read and wanted to kms. what in the weaboo emo teen is this somebody kill me.

The atmosphere of the new school distracts me from bad dark thoughts: that no one needs me; that I'm making things worse; that I should die.

"You like anime, don't you? - smiling sweetly *Manchester bestie* asks me before class starts.

"Yeah, I love it," I exclaim.

dEeP dArK tHoUgHtS ahhhhhh

After taking a warm shower and turning off the light, I lie on my side, staring at the wall, and listen to my roommates talking as they listen to music in the same bed. They're talking about virginity and how it's stupid to wait to get married. I think of Yasmin, who is adamantly against it.

"How long do we have to wait?" says Clara in a whisper. "I'm ready now!"

there's something so cute about this idk. like we were such babies.

"Oh my God!" gasped Yasmin horrified, looking at the mailbox. "That's Vladimir Stosic! The crazy Serbian who teaches us chemistry." Yasmin had told me a lot about Stosic. According to her, he's a Satanist and a member of the Order of the Dragon. They say he even has a devil tattoo! His daughter is in sixth form and it turns out he drove her into depression and she shaved her head. Even though he teaches chemistry, he's a bit of a mess and all he's told his students is that he killed his wife, by throwing a plugged-in light bulb into her bathtub.

bro whatttt what is this lore who tf is vladimir stosic 😭😭

then there's the scandalous berlin trip! and there's a passage about how my london bestie and my oxford bestie went to KDW to buy bras and it's so funny to read about bc it was such a scandal back then! like that's so cute. then we play truth or dare and i have to kiss my crush! 😱😱😱 also very cute and very much like "aww baby me, you were adorable".

then we go to the holocaust memorial and take very disrespectful photos that facebook never fails to remind me about every year. like "x years ago you took these super quirky photos" and every time im like oh god.

then oh my god! i put my head on my crush's shoulder!!! wowwwww (tbh that's more action than im getting these days, so 14 yr old me was winning)

then fuckkk okay i can't read this part. i had a north korea phase so i go on about american propaganda and how evil capitalism is. but not in a based way, but in a "im 14 and this is deep" way. fuck. and then i go on about gay marriage and how im such a passionate ally but not because im gay or anything i just like gay people and i believe in equality haha ha ha im not gay what. and then i talk about atheism and how religion is evil.

and then there's this

I've never been fallen in love with a guy before, and I don't know what kind of feelings are called love. Maybe I was in love with someone and I didn't realise it, thinking I just wanted to be friends with them, because you can feel that way about girls, too, right? Right?

and like bestieeee that's the gayest thing anyone's ever said, sorry to break it to you.

"Has anyone seen my T-shirt?" asks C suddenly, returning from the lake shore, where he was probably looking for it.

I look around, following the others' lead, and suddenly realise that, somehow, I've had his T-shirt all along! And how is it that after spending half an hour here by the fire, I hadn't realised I'd been clutching it to my chest. I hand it to C immediately, looking up into his eyes, the reflection of the fire playing in the muted blue.

"I'm sorry I didn't give it to you sooner," I tell him, putting my hand on his shoulder. "You must be freezing cold!"

"It's nothing," he waves it off.

you know, as cringe as it is like... there's something so cute and pure about this. like i want to hug my past self and tell her that everything is gonna be okay. and that it's okay to be in love. and that he's not worth it. like. i want to cry a little bit. </3

and then it gets even more heartbreaking for little me:

Suddenly, Dixie, a cute girl I had met long ago in my first German class, runs up to C. In her manner, she laughs loudly and hugs C, saying how cold he must have been the whole time. She strokes his head, pulling him tight against her.

"Dixie, Dixie," C resists, "I'm uncomfortable! I'm not cold at all!"

"Oh, come on, come on," she interrupts him. "Let's go to the tents at once! You're shivering, for heaven's sake!"

And with both arms round C, she leads him away from the fire.

It is sometimes embarrassing for her, for she, in her childish naivety, never hides her emotions. She probably doesn't even realise that such a thing is even possible.

I catch myself thinking that for the rest of my life, or at least for the rest of this school year, I'll be cursing myself for that I wasn't in Dixie's shoes at that moment.

babyyyy 🥺🥺🥺🥺 it's okay, you'll survive </3

and then! my bestie and C get together! and the book ends!!!!!!!

(and then there's an epilogue where i get into communism again and talk about how i hate rich people. no, literally, i fucking say that.)

so yeah....

honestly now im glad that i wrote it bc it's like a little time capsule of what being a teenager was like. like a pre-teenager id say. bc that was before my weird sugardaddy phase and sex and alcohol.

it's extremely badly written, but there's a charm to it. like i know 14 year old me was sincere when she wrote it and you can feel her pain and it's so precious. the overall ~vibe~ of it reminded me of elif batuman's the idiot (not literally. this "book" of mine is a 3/10 at best, meanwhile the idiot is a solid 10) in the sense that there's this awkward tension between me and my crush and it doesn't go anywhere and it's very pathetic and you just want to shake her and say "he's not worth it!!!". but it's so sincere and innocent and she just wants to clench his tshirt against her chest and look into his deep blue eyes, like that's so adorable.

anyway, yeah. what an experience.

my london bestie's family is moving (mum got remarried so the family house is going to her older sister, long story) and so she was going through her old stuff. and she found the book i wrote when i was 15 and gave it to me.

and i wanted to maybe translate some parts of it and put it on here bc it just feels appropriate. but im reading it now and it's so cringe like i am in physical pain reading it.

here is how i summarised it on my insta yesterday:

im in year 10. i befriend *oxford bestie* who's like this bella swan mysterious lonely brunette who's friends with boys

we go to berlin and it's like hbo euphoria but even more dramatic! there's erotic dancing and suicide tw

i develop a massive crush on C. guess who else has a crush on C? oxford bestie! 😱

i become a communist as a coping mechanism

common themes: lust, homosexuality, wealth inequality, alcoholism

3/10

[fallendownfallenback]

Hi, you might remember me as the Anon who absolutely riddled this blog with asks about everything from the biggest plot points to the most minor of details that had never even crossed your mind earlier this year. Well, I'm back! :D And while I can't really think of a decent question to actually ask, on account of me having about as much creativity as a... Non-creatve thing, I guess (Case in point), I still reallllllly want to read your rambles about this fic, so, idk, talk plotty to me. :P

Ah yeah I remember you! You gave me a lot of fun excuses to talk and a few headaches over details I’d never bothered to think out.

Oh gosh....it’s hard to know what to talk about, honestly lol. I’ve always got so much to say about this fic, but so much of it...I just can’t talk about yet, and what little eloquence I can usually maintain when discussing this story is apparently lost to me right now. Honestly it’s -- I don’t know if this is the kind of “talking” you’re looking for, but it’s something -- it’s been a weird year for me with this fic? It’s never a project that’s far from my mind, but I’ve been so caught up with my real life and other projects, that it’s not gotten the time or attention it deserves, despite my best intentions. I suppose I’m frightened on some level, because I’m finally staring down the end of the Lab Arc within a few chapters, and it’s been a long-time coming to reach Act 3, which was the first act ever outlines for this fic, that I find myself worried it won’t be what I hoped it would. That I’ll do it wrong.

It’s just...amazing to think how far this fic has brought me, and how much it’s changed me. I was sixteen when I started writing Not As Simple, and now I’ll be nineteen in less than five months. I’ve gone from a high school junior (& college freshman at the same time...my education was weird...) to now a college junior. I declared my major this summer, english lit w/a creative writing focus, and I can honestly say I don’t know if I would have ever made that decision if it weren’t for this fic. It made me love telling a story again. 

And now, desperately needing a reread of this fic to refresh my memory and 10 feet deep in wips for a bunch of other stories that would have not existed without the inspiration of this one, I’m continually amazed that y’all are still here waiting patiently. 

It’s been a long time coming, and I never expected to fall in love with Integrity & the Lab Staff’s stories the way I did, and now -- with only a few chapters of build-up left -- I’m finally staring down telling Patience’s story. The one I wrote this entire fic for and something sixteen year old me could have only dreamed of when I first sketched her out. 

It’s been a long time coming, and I’ve changed a lot as a person and as a writer since I first conceived of this story. I can only hope I get my shit together enough to update more frequently, and deliver to the faithful remaining readers the tale of the child who stole my heart, and taught me to love my overwhelmingly unlikely protagonists all over again.

She and her brother will stand to change Sans so much, through grief and tragedy and love, and ultimately hope. I can only pray they manage to make a fraction of the same impact on the rest of us.

[elli3luvs]

could you do ellie x reader where ellie is the guitarist and the reader is like the lead singer of a band? 🥺

a/n: when ellie plays the guitar i lose it tbh... i did this in headcanons bc idk i like couldn't write for some reason today ITS NOT COMING TO ME :(( writers block

ellie became your guitarist by chance

you had known about her through mutual connections through jesse

and one day you were complaining about how your previous guitarist quit, he perked up

"i know a girl!"

since then she has been in your band

fans love her

and you... well you couldn't deny the feelings that were blooming for her

ellie had been by your side for many months, helping you get used to the touring lifestyle

she had been so kind and patient even when you were completely stressed and being rude

through that you have been feeling more and more into her

you were currently looking at her hands plucking at the string of her guitar

her hands strummed along the strings perfectly, the sound echoing through the backstage area

ellie looked at you with a smirk, "shouldn't you be warming up?"

you snap your eyes away from her hands, rolling your eyes, "shut up. i'm good."

ellie whistles at your confidence, "hopefully your voice doesn't crack on stage. howwww embarrassingggg." you reach out to slap at her but she dodges you with a chuckle

the little back and forth the two of you had always made your heart feel warm

ellie was always very helpful when you were trying to come up with more songs

the two of your would regularly sit and just kinda pluck strings and mess around on music-making software

you really admired how she put the band first in her life

everything she did was for the benefit of your band and the fans

"you know," you mentioned to her one day and she was scribbling some lyrics in a book, "you don't always have to be working on music."

she coolly responded, "what else would i do?"

the way you two got together was a little strange, but it fit the two of you

after a particularly successful show, while celebrating, she happened to lean down and kiss you

you looked at her in shock

she was just as shocked back

"do you like me like that or was that a fluke?" you muttered, heart pounding in your throat

she blinked rapidly, "i mean, yeah but if you don't like me like that then that was just a fluke. totally. of course."

you punched her in the shoulder and expressed your ever-mounting feelings

since then you guys were basically attached at the hip

ellie spends a good 90% of her time just kinda at your apartment

lingering like a ghost

you can't complain

she does buy groceries and cleans like a madman when she's not writing lyrics

you guys decide not to go public because it would just cause unnecessary attention

you would rather people focus on your music

ellie is always strumming her guitar, feet propped on your table in front of her

she is coming up with more and more songs

all romantic

you just roll your eyes at her when she gives you another sheet of sappy lyrics

"what!!" she throws her hands up, "it's how i feel. you can't keep getting upset that it's all romantic."

"they are too cringe, i'm sorry. i cannot sing these."

she acts like you shot her when you said that

fake crying and all

your favorite was right before shows though

she got all serious and pep-talked everyone in the band before coming over to you

her eyes softened slightly but you could still see the tension on her face

"you got this, babe," she kissed the top of your head, "don't stress."

you grabbed her hand, noting how cold it was, "you will do amazing, els. let's kick ass!"

it was great being able to date your guitarist

it made the whole musical process a lot easier and way more fun

(i hate this im so sorry)