#ITS 2 AM... LISTE N ... IM T IRE D

[nonspector]

❛ where did you learn this, to leave those that want to stay? ❜

@unspector       :      i don’t remember what meme this is from.

❝      you sure this is a     conversation you wanna have,   gino  ?      ❞        you’re going to leave,   i can see it.     it’s here that the teenage boy riots,   as his ghost blackens in the face of their mutual ruination     [     is this where you thought we would be standing ?     ]       there are roots here,   ones that run far below the surface of the skin.   the splayed soul.   the open palm.   these are not so easily revoked,   &   yet     —    &   yet.   

he can see the oncoming storm.   the severed ties.   the snapping bones.   they lay out before him like roads,   &   he is stagnant,   trapped in the vicious cycle of his own destruction.   a violent hurt shoots through the veins,   clanging   &   slashing,   how dare you ?   how dare you ?  he refuses to move for a moment,   eyes slit   &   cold.    at his hands,   the knuckles re - split   &   bleed from the strain of his clenched fist.    &    then it dissipates,    a jarring removal of all emotion,   the features blank.    what is the opposite of love ?    indifference.        ❝       ‘cause i don’t.       ❞       &    he slides past him,   hands in pockets,    chin up   &   forward.    he doesn’t look back.

[sorrowfulsoul]

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[aphrorite]

-ˏˋ sweetheart diaries ˊˎ- #4 !! 🌷🌸🎀

૮₍ ˶ᵔ ᵕ ᵔ˶ ₎ა ♡༘

⋆ ✧₊ may 24th 2022 ☀️✨🌷 ⊹ɞ

hello diary ! its been sos long sinc ive wrote here :S thahts okay though, life gets busy soemtime and sometime i not able to write becos of it <3 today was great!

︶︶︶︶︶︶︶︶︶︶︶︶︶︶︶︶︶︶︶︶︶︶

hmmm where should i start disry ?!??! i havent seen u in so long ))): i lay on teddy comfy back as i weite this bc he make a fluffy cute pillow and he is so generous 💕💕💕 i luv teddy .

umm so the last time i weote was on may 14, si mayb i make list of notable thing ! here it is (:

felt sick one day so stay home n then m found out ir was plumbing day

my cat discover new window n he lobved it so much. was up on bhis tupy toe n was enjoyin fresh air .

had olumbing com over n get toilet fized >_>

may 15 made toast n agua for meself on a lil chop boar dn enjy brekafast

may 17 i groute d my mosiac media ezploration . i did an ugly magenta tbh and it iddnt turn out how i intended but then again ir was only media ezploration )): next time i go fir darker grout. here was finished mosiac before grouting

may 17 at work befor my shif i also saw thes realky chte tanks !!! i trie them on but they didnt rlly hav my size n the pink didnt look as nice as i thought it would but the white did n the blue ehhhh ,, here they r ! i also found out my fav coworker too has the same disorder as me and i felt not so alone knowing tht . it made me feel like someone understood my struggle an di am so grateful to have a coworker like her. i am not happy that she suffers with the same issues but i am glad thqt we can both fight our hardships together . <3

may 18 very sad day ): am work very hard on makeup but had not so good time at school dance so was vert sad. m felt very out ofnplace )): but in hindsight, m also call tht one guy n ask if hed like watch stranger things this friday ! so we hav that day for him n i <3

may 19 m thought of very cute leggings, leg warmers n new aesthetic more , so now am want to change my room up and go for my pink idea ! i always felt bad for wanting it to be all pink ebcause it doesnt necessarily align w my feng shui but i wa s like , “ let me stop confinin myself “ , so im plan 2 get cute pink posters (n design them,) more ffske folliage, hanging plants , lace curtains/ transparent , pink rug and wayyy more plushie !!!

may 19 i also went get my mediciatuon refile , they gav me 67 when they meant 74 but utl l b ok cos i up dosage upon next appointmen maot likely ! i also saw pretty lipblam 🥺🥺 may 19 i paint my mosiac frame black !

fri may 20 i wok up too late 2 get ready n missed bus so instead of adking relativ who im not fond of,,, I WALK 3 KM!!!! 3000 m in 40 minute to my school n cross highway ^_^ it acc big feat for me bc ive never cross highway bflre when walking n also NEVER have walk that much in ine moring. i was determine to get to school and i did !! did NOT MISS SCHOOL !!! 😎

fri i also went to awerie n se etheir flare n i tried them on and i relalt like d them !!!! i didnt buy them rhoguh becaus when i tried to it didnt work out bc theyw erent accetin phon paymen t / it didnt work ): so i put on hold.

fri was grwat doe cos i ALSO MADE MY LUNCH !!!! LOOK LOOK LOOK. IS SO PRETTYYYY I SO HAPPY BOUT IT ! i wish i had sandio lucnh box tho so i will get one soon. is was yummy bc usuall i wake up too late to make lunch ): so i had ice tea , 2 pb sandwich, cheeseit, breton veggie cracker, granola and croutons ! yumyum

friday i work bery hard in fitting room to make sure every cloth wa s detail so i proud myself ^-^ i sad tho bc on fri i found out my one friend isnt who she rlly was n she like dark humor for attention which made me feel really invalidated )): so i never hangout w her anymor and gonna distanc

saturdy i did pintwrest, made new board n cleaned up pinterest but still hav to work on it, clean some cameraroll, shop n hav fun ! i thin k i also watch show another close friend n i kinda hav lil crush on him ))): we wathc 5 episode n fall asleep in calls o i b his alarm clock . funny thin is tho before we hungour he called me while i was showering n it was funny cos i was wondering ‘why my music so quiet?’ peek out curtain and see a pleasant surprise ! i told him call me back doe cos ofc i busy cleaning meself !!! hmph , we laughed abt it tho cos😁 i was happy he called me tok bc he was on my mind n i always wish hed call instead of me doing it first . n then later he put me to bed cos i got drowsy cos mediciattioon aargeghh but we spend whole day together <3 n i folded my cloth too! i also look at more room inspo n made list for wht i want to buy !

sunday i did LOADDDDSS of math hoemwork n i so proud myself for it , i finish and got caugh t up! sister b so kind n she help me clean room , so i fibish xleaning and also DID MY LAUBDRRRRYYY I SO PROUD I HAVENT DOBE THT IN FROWVER

monday i fibisb painting , did more pinterest work on spotify n look at shein for little, n during weekend i learned how to weite upside down ! coolio . i slso took walk, wore cute outfit black stocking w plaid skirt black sweater and white collar and did my makeup 😋 i soend time wi my cat too !! i also did sims 4 reblogging on other acc hehe

︶︶︶︶︶︶︶︶︶︶︶︶︶︶︶︶︶︶︶︶︶︶

n now we in present ! today i wore the same fit i wore the other day bx ir wasntn dirty, woke up in time but had trogbl gettin out of bed bc it was rlly cold. blanket so warm so i lau at floor of staircase burrowed in blanket cos ellie so warm aargrggh then got ready.

i didnt hav kuch in lunch but moma camw in cluctch with making more pasta so i toon tht for work n also had breton cracker n 2 made good granola bar.

i brin canvas n wallet cos today i want handed in. y canvas n buy the flare legging ! school was good n i did really well in math w anawritjng question and understanding material :3 i so happy abt that bc usually i feel like i am strugglin behind , but my misophonia kept kicking in ),:

theguy still havent stopped courhing and the orher person vocal tics (whxih i know they cant help) relaly made me angry . i know not to be angry and i am not acc angry at them rhouvh it is very irritating ): ofc i am bery stonefave so no one can tell i am angry , and plus i dont want to make anyone sad .

art class went bot so well ): ,, i was finishing my sides and the sand when I accidentally tip uellow paint all over my cabvas 😭😭 theguy who sat across fron me was kind and saved my canvas from fultl flipping over , dude had great reflexes but there was a big fat blob of yellow pajt on floor witb some splatters . it got over my canvas so i had scrapped off w cardboard n then scrapped the paint w the cardboard off the ground and back jnto fhe conrainer, and then i use dawn soap, brown paper towel and sponge to scrub dub dub, and then u couldnt even tell it was there . i am proud for cleaning ip it sow ell but i think mybe god was telling me tht i had to do one kr more finishing touches, sooo i went to work w canvas and home w it, and also saw dat my framw wasnt black emigubso i brough it home too to paint it more black.

i bough flare legging tho, got free agua at satrbuck bc i forgo watnottle, had starbuck popcorn (yumyum i luv popcorn !) and it wa great!!! 🍿💛

hehe, i felt so pretty wwaring the legging rht i wore it to work hehe and i got compliment on mt outfit too. i favetime sisrer during lunch too. and guess wha diary? i ddi amzing at work today :33 i also listen to my sleepy agedre playlsit rn while i write this !

i did 3 stock boxes in 30 min!!! thrts 10 mins for wach unpacking, and then i hung then up n tagged them all by myself ^w^ i was so proud tht i got it done (securi tagging in 57 min, total time took for 3 boxes is 1 hr 48)

my ocd was kicking in ahain with the number of aecurity tags i had and it was a little difficult but i trudge through it n tried to not breakdown over it n so i didnt !! i also met new coworker today, her name angelina 😇

i was so happy tht i did it i felt unsfoppable, n i got praises for my pretty painting from wmployees when i walk into shops n also praises from my coworker s n pll were impressed that i did stock so quicj so i very proud ^⏝^ i put clothes out on sales floor too but at end of shift i went back to get my canvas cos i forgo x_x

when home came my ankle pain rlly kcike din bc it was sore during my shift n still hurts as i weite this ))): hopefully i sleep it off n it go away . i didn do much homeworks until 7 ish but i still trusges through my sampling math homework and painted my frame black and fixed my painting yellow mistake n then got ready for bed 💤💤 i beush my cat today too n he got lots fur, i saw him climb up a carpet n it remind me of spiderman !! he gwtting realt confident n it make me happy

i felt little meh abt wanting to self care but i pushed myself to do so ! 😼 so i lotion my sof skin, gargle w mourhwash, brush teef brush hair n then got into bed w comfy comforter ! i also went on walk w sister n went barefoot, got feet dirty but i wash it before bed, n also walk in grass which is theuropedic !

anyway diary, i look at list, go use lou, and shop for a lil befor ebed. love u!! i check in once in a lil bit. baiiii!!!! 👋👋😴

p.s ⭐️🌻 i forog mention, AHHHH kendrick lamar is in town soon !!! when i am not agedre/agere, i would LUV to see his concert n i think i migh b able go so im gonna b stoked for that OMGOMOMG 🌼💛

╭┈─────── urs truly, ࿐ ˊˎ-

╰┈➤ sweetheart xx

[aphrorite]

-ˏˋ sweetheart diaries ˊˎ- #3 !! 🌸💗🍥

૮₍ ˶ᵔ ᵕ ᵔ˶ ₎ა ♡༘

⋆ ✧₊ﾟmay 14th 2022 🍧🌺🦩 ⊹ɞ

yawwwwn. hi diary! its 1 am but im writing bebauc i feel liek it ! 💤 🌥

︶︶︶︶︶︶︶︶︶︶︶︶︶︶︶︶︶︶︶︶︶︶

today wa s a good day, you known? i id idnt do much bt ,, i neeed ed this saturyda so then tmr i can go wam ham on my homeworks. it wwass soooooo sunny nand iw anted to go for a walk twic but onyl got chanc to go for 1, and i wore a super duper pretty polka dot black dress and i had matchin black polka dot flip flops to go w it ! i wore a stra w hat too when iw ent outside cos ir was so hot out. i felt pretty and also very comfy. i woek eup around 10 as well so im happy baout that because usually i wake up late later hehe. 😝

SEEEE !!! dress n flip flop magch tehehe. this phtoo taken on my walk! 🩰🌟✨

i ha d last night nugget for breakfast n then i had some OJ! ir emember seienf a post tht had “drink som milk or OJ” and usually aft i et breakfas id hav like agua so OJ was new <3

i had a bit of a moment whehr iw d trying to flshh the toluet n then THE FLOORW ENT 💥BOBOB 💥MBO💥 BBOON 💥 BOOOM 💥 n lke rumbled ))): i call my sister hpstair and she tell me to ring mom so then mam say 2 t ur n the water off on it bc mybe she didnt turn it all the way n then it wasnt rumble no more . this cos we got a new toilet n also hav plumbing leak problem , house old !

i made som goodnote schedule for msyelf instead of using google spreadhddeg so this eman that i cna get more productiv again ! i havent done so in 3 months so i thin ktnis is my turning point , yeah, go me ! *imaginary pat*

i spen t some tiw w my ssiter playin project sekai , sims 4 (i revamp her chars, ) walk w my siste routside n found a pretty pink flower , my cat just giving him cuddles n lettinghim enjoy the f reshh air, browose shopping for a teensy bit, listneed to blackspeakz on youtube, made a regressing plylsit, and msootly chilled !

i also played alittleeee bit of roblox and made some softlien clothing ! im proud of msyelf because yesterday my crwiagons werent up to par. i wantned to hangout w my one acquaintance but he wasnt online , so thts ok ! here is what i buot in sims 4 when my ssuter let me use computer when she went sleep,

my othwr cfriend msged me this morning on dizzy n it made merlly happy cos he acc show up in my dream last night )): n it wa sa happy dream , so then for him to send me a dm saying “wakey wakey!” n i see it in the morning , i feel is coincidence ! 😵😮😮

i also feel like agedre n half regressing has helped talk to myself more positively. its very difficult to talk to myself like a friend so when i talk to myself like an encouraging sweet parent, it works. im more softer and i embrace my sensitivity, and i think this in all will help me ! of course i still feel the shame of it not being the norm or still have my negative intrusive thoughts, and i know my intrusive thoughts arent something i can necessarily 'delete' or 'remove,' and are something to tame, though i think agedre is a big baby step towards a healthy coping mechanism, as even so back then my self-talk has never been very positive, and even when i was positive, id beat myself down constantly (and still struggle with this), and that positivity would lean towards toxic. im proud of myself. <3

anyway, i did lot selfcare and followd my goodnote scheduule , and tmr i make to do list for homeworks. tmr i shoul make foods, b productiv, and sleep on time !!!! hav good day diary, muwah muwah 💕

p.s it also rained today ! 🌧🌧🌧

╭┈─────── urs truly, ࿐ ˊˎ-

╰┈➤ sweetheart xx