#Is making polyvore sets again regression?

[plasticbats]

[vixen-vangogh]

polyvore banned this for some reason (i cannot figure out what i need to censor for it to be posted though?? i tried even the most conservative of censorings)

so here’s what i was posting in the descrip instead

hey everybody i aged ! i am 23 years old by the standards of the gregorian calendar. differs with other calendars and planets but idrk the exchange rate of time too well

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i talked to one of my other roommates about talking to the roommate who has been really flip floppy and ignorant about whether she's actually moving out or not

and idk i'm just really relieved that those of us staying are on the same page

like that one roommate who we're asking to leave yelled at me some really ableist stuff because she had some issues with the temperature being like a couple degrees off from room temperature (as in, like 25 degrees celsius was what it was set to - altho not what it actually was) and she had her upstairs window open in -40 degrees with the wind chill and it made our entire home freezing because i guess? for some reason ?? she needs the temperature to be like 0 degrees?? or something???

my body doesn't thermoregulate very well because i have POTS (postural orthostatic tachycardia syndrome) and generally deal w adrenal fatigue because of anxiety and panic and all that other stuff with trauma. the other roommates were also cold though and were trying to blow warm air into their hands etc and we have our windows covered in plastic wrap because windows don't provide enough insulation.

and then when i told her the only reason the heat is so high is because she has her window open and she lied and said it wasn't but after that 'conversation' (she blocked me on fb after yelling so like, it's not like much of that was actually double sided or civil) the temperature got way warmer thru the day almost like she shut her window when she got caught

[hand on chin, thinking emoji]

but anyway she's 27 and the rest of us are 19, 22 and 23 and she is acting like she's 12

i just want her to tell me concretely when she is moving out so i can make accommodations and stop having other people go around just because she literally blocked me on facebook making it impossible for us to communicate

(i don't have a phone contract and haven't in about 2 years because it's just.... a lot of money and organization and planning and i cannot guarantee my money any given day if it were to automatically come out of my account. that and i can't deal with talking on the phone because of anxiety and stuff.)

(it occurred to me somewhat recently though that you can use TTY on my particular device though so I might look into seeing if there's some way to get a pay as you go thing?)

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i've been trying to rewire my mind whenever bad memories surface that I know i am to blame for how things happened.

from "i hate myself"

to

"i forgive myself" "i feel remorse about this" "i have grown" "i was a child" (and this includes times when i was a child in the sense that i was legally an adult but still a child in terms of my own personal growth and sense of self) "i accept that this happened." "feeling so guilty this way now will not make me a better person. i am already a better person now."

etc

i've tried a lot of different tactics to dealing with these things over the years and every now and again something i try will work or help and that is one of those things. :)

obviously i'm not ~cured~ but it's !! not the point? i'm not ever going to be cured because i have always been like this to a degree, and it would appear it's hereditary to some degree. (which i wouldn't have known about but - i was talking to my aunt the other day and we're actually on the same medications ... which is ?? pretty interesting how these things work out.) (i've never met anyone who was on the exact same meds as me, just folks who had the same meds one at a time or at some point now or in the past. just people who i could talk to about it and not necessarily people who are on the same meds as me.)

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by talking to my aunt i don't mean to imply that i've got family really in my life still - but two of my paternal aunts and one of my cousins are on my facebook because i do trust them to a degree and they aren't exactly close with my dad anyway. (my dad sucks - i've been taken to calling him Cryptid Dad because it's a fun joke about how he presumably exists but I haven't seen him in years and only get an email a few times a year)

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i've also gotten ridiculously into genealogy. like so hardcore into genealogy. it's extremely interesting and i have literally traced so many of my ancestors back as far as the H/uns of the Steppe and am absolutely baffled about that. granted, it wasn't necessarily my own research that put that together myself, but because at some point in the middle ages there was royalty in my lineage and if there's any famous families that have that so researched, it's royal families.

so like once i made that connection it was smooth sailing.

i've also found a bunch of Huguenot ancestors, which is pretty neat because honestly? i'd never heard of the Huguenots at all before wikitree was like "[ancestor name] was a Huguenot"

which is neat to think about and research

i'm also related to a captain john wood who was in the usa continental army during the revolutionary war and then after being held in a quebec d/ungeon for 4 years, decided he wanted to be canadian instead

his descendants got land from both sides. because apparently he helped both sides significantly enough for that.

i also feel like it's very important to know and learn about the very specific land thefts my ancestors took part in so that i can better name and advocate for the specific indigenous peoples today working hard to reclaim that land.

everyone always pulls the whole "but those were my ancestors not me" stuff but like??

you know our ancestors did it because they thought this was what we would have wanted right? because they thought some regressive stuff about "the future of the white rac/e" etc

and it worked because we're like what we are today.

don't you think we should like, idk, overthrow all of that? don't you think there's maybe more to renouncing your ancestors ? like maybe renouncing all the horrific things they did (consciously or unaware) that made it so ultimately there still exists extreme deprivation today that benefits us very directly

idk yeah

also genetics are very wild because i did take one of those ancestry dna tests over a year ago and uploading it to GEDmatch said there was Steppe DNA markers in there which. is ???? something I thought was a fluke or mistake until I got to literally the pre 1000s CE and found that there the H/uns were.

same for the Netherlands and areas around that because I guess a bunch of my ancestors were the original white pe/ople to come to NY

and Anatolia - that was because the H/uns too I think but I'm still not totally clear.

anyway it's some really interesting stuff and everytime I discover something I am left with dozens of new questions.

i'm also learning about isotope analyses and what that's about because i guess based on the atoms and stuff people have in their bodies you can tell where they've been, where they grew up, if they've migrated a lot recently, etc.

idk everything is ! way more interesting than i thought it was in high school.

i wish i had better science teachers back in the day and also like, that someone thought 'hey that kid is taking an hour longer than everyone else to complete their work.... ever think.... maybe there's a learning disability at work here?'

but because i was scraping up alright grades and wasn't much of a rebel as a kiddo they just shrugged it off. i think also, from what i understand, teachers and so on like to sort kids into categories where they say that ADHD and ADD and autis/m etc shows up differently in different genders (rather than just differently in different people, like would make more sense) and thus certain kids get diagnosed and others don't and it has some gender biases where people end up saying "boys are more likely to have ADHD" and it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy.

like no, that's not true. that's not how the human brain works. you just think this way so you ignore certain kids and certain symptoms and it's just going to continue swaying the way you say because your initial base research was ignorant and biased

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i feel really proud of myself for knowing the things i know despite being a dropout and not completing more than like, a year and a half of university and a year of college

i hate feeling this way but it's tied in way too much to my ego.

i need to let this go and acknowledge that i am incredibly intelligent and it's just that i transcend and cannot be measured or contained within the standards that were outlined this way.