#It creeps up on my pretty bad sometimes (like rn hence this stupid post) and I just...have to find a way to shove it down and keep going | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

malusrecord · 7 months ago

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((I'm really fuckin sad that I feel that I'm not able to engage with a fando/m that I truly love and adore with all my heart---or that my engagement isn't wanted within said space, to be a bit more precise, close friends know more concrete details and I won't go into it in full here---and how it's such a strongly cemented impression (and some bad experiences have not helped, nor has the size of the fa/ndom which makes things even more limited, complicated, etc) and my main blog has been suffering as a result. I hate it.))

#negative tw #;;ooc: mun muttering #;;ooc: cross blog commentary #I struggle with giving up on all of this *a lot* especially that blog #which makes me feel worse bc I'm really fucking trying; I'm *still* trying and most days (like now) I don't know why #struggling and screaming into the void (and being largely ignored) is...kinda the norm for me but this particular instance still hits hard #do I care too much? definitely. but that care is also a sign of import ig....at least in regards to me fuck if I know #It creeps up on my pretty bad sometimes (like rn hence this stupid post) and I just...have to find a way to shove it down and keep going #well; keep going until I can't anymore; anyway #focusing on the positives and what I love is....difficult...but that's what I'm trying to do fat lot of good it does me; no one listens #don't give me the shit of 'it happens' like I don't fucking know that already; I've been in plenty of spaces over the years #this one is....really truly special to me...and to feel unwanted and etc despite everything I've tried to do is just.....ugh #again I care too much; and at least I have this blog to take space from (although I struggle here too it's a bit more...manageable kinda)#just..fuck if I know; I know I'll never amount to anything creatively and no impression or whatever else will last but goddammit I'm trying #trying to do what? fuck dude idk

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