#Me when the final boss theme is the main title theme. Explodes

[cosmoknightchaos]

Me when the robot/AI with a female voice who serves as the antagonist for most of the game while also becoming your friend and becoming a fan-favorite in the fandom sings a song during the end credits

[oneoftheprettynerds]

Just My Type: Dark!Steve x Reader (Mob AU)

Chapter 2 in the Lipstick and Crayons Series.

Chapter 1: Welcome to the Darkside

Main Masterlist

A/N: This chapter is 2K words more than the last chapter and I’ve second guessed every single line in this one. This story is getting a lot of traction guys and I’m equal parts happy and scared. Thank you for the nice comments, they do encourage me. Also I’m just ranting feel free to skip this note haha. Your support in any form: like, comment or reblog is appreciated greatly. Also you can dm if you want to be friends, God knows I need those. Hopefully, this chap was worth the wait. Also, I made a poster for this on the main masterlist so check that out, it might be foreshadowing dome plot.

Warning: Eventual Non-Con, Sickening Threats, Mob Themes, Violence, Death, Manipulation, a mild mental breakdown, Cheap Tricks later.

Genres + Characters: Mob AU, Single Parents AU, Steve Rogers x Reader.

Summary: Steve can't ever repay you for what you did. After meeting you, Steve believes his broken family is the missing piece in the puzzle of your own wrecked one. Indebting the crime lord to you has been the biggest mistake of your life, cause now you can't get rid of him, no matter what. Loyalty and favours go a long way in the mob.

Chapter 2: Just My Type

It had almost been a week since the incident and you had barely gotten a wink of sleep. When you drove back to your house that night, Steve surprisingly didn’t argue as you had expected. After that friend of his whispered something in his ears, you only assumed he was needed elsewhere and you couldn’t be more thankful for that. They escorted you to your car and Steve thanked you with a strained smile, words genuine but eyes calculating. You didn’t even wonder what went inside his head. You were thankful for the peace and quiet of your own car, content to just get out of the area and into your humble abode.

After you put the already asleep Grace to bed, you couldn’t bring yourself to get out of her room. You just sat on the floor beside the bed, hand intertwined with hers as you rested your head beside her tummy on the mattress.

Your adrenaline wore off and your limbs ached as your thoughts finally settled into place, the gravity of the catastrophe a few hours prior hitting you. Tears made their way down your cheeks as you realized that you both could have very well died tonight.

One bullet could have sealed each of your lives and you were basically defenseless had Steve not saved you against the creeping assaulter. You couldn’t commend yourself for even defending yourself against one attacker, the guilt of killing someone harboring in your tired head. Your quiet whimpers eventually wore you out, while Grace’s shallow breaths lulled you to sleep.

You didn’t manage to sleep for long though, every time your eyes closed, horrific images flashed in your mind. A blood curdling scream here, heaps of dead bodies there, with distant exploding sounds all around. You could see men clad in black holding guns to Grace’s head and whensoever you woke up, you just wondered how much more creative your mind could get, making these visuals so realistic.

When 8 AM rolled in, you didn’t wake Grace up even though it was Monday and you had work. You got up, changed into a long tee after a shower and called your office and then her daycare. You knew you would have a hard time going back to your normal life, to become trusting enough to leave her alone.

Your assumption about yourself was right. You took almost the entire week off, which your boss generously allowed you to after hearing your traumatic experience, which soon made the city news headlines. All your colleagues checked on you, almost once in the five day break you took, and sweetly enough offered to bring you anything you needed.

It was kind of them, but none of them could bring you what your heart genuinely craved: peace and assurance that you and Grace would be safe.

Even though Saturdays were off, you did go to work to see what you missed and where to start on again. You went in because you knew that the random spurt of resolution you got in the bathroom to collect your life, wouldn’t last.

To ease back into your normal life, you gathered your guts, called a babysitter and left home. You couldn’t bring yourself to leave Grace at the daycare just yet. One of your good friends offered to come in to the office and help you, even on the weekend and you were quite grateful to him.

When you both decided to take lunch in the nearby dining place, you both got to talking, the conversation obviously originating from ‘How have you been?’ and ‘Is Grace okay?’. You reminisced about how you used a photobooth to hide, grotesquely and uncomfortably chuckling when you remembered Sarah calling you her mom and how her dad saved you all.

You deliberately left the part where you killed someone and Steve shot someone too. You hadn’t come to terms with it yet and you stiffly restricted your mind whenever it tried to go down that lane.

He sensed how the conversation was becoming tense and distressing for you and briskly redirected the topic.

“I hope the dad was hot though?” He wiggled his eyes creepily and you snorted at his vulgarity, light for the first time in days.

“He was easy on the eyes; I will admit that.” You played along, recalling your girlfriends and how you used to ogle people.

“Don’t be a homewrecker though, I don’t support cheating.” He said nonchalantly, checking his phone as a notification bell rang off.

“He’s a widower.”

His eyes snapped up and met yours as his head tilted in confusion. “That’s a strange fact to know about someone you met for a few minutes.”

Steve’s even stranger comment about his dead wife popped in your mind and before you could stop yourself, you blurted that out as well.

“He even said and I quote, ‘She deserved what she got.’” He put his phone down, weirdly amused.

“Ooh Creepy! Do you think he is one of those husbands who kill their wives and bury them in the backyard? The podcasts always say that the psychopaths are visually handsome and charming. And his statement was quite vague and spooky.” He continued munching, and you felt that now Aiden was really paying attention unlike before.

“Steve did have a gun while searching for Sarah, come to think of it.” You drank your tea and awaited his response. What you did not expect was his eyes to widen and worry to cloud his features.

“Um Widower Steve with a toddler Sarah? At the place where The Vices attacked?” He mumbled, grabbing his phone and doing God knows what on it. Your eyebrows furrowed and before you could ask him what was up with his antics, he resumed.

“This is a long shot but I really hope your Steve didn’t look like this.” He positioned the phone in your vision, and you could already tell it was Steve by the sapphire blue of his eyes piercing through the screen into your soul. The picture was a month or two old, his hair was much longer when you met him than in the photo.

“This is him.” Your eyes met Aiden’s and worry visibly took over his features as his forehead creased and jaw tense.

He looked around the restaurant, finding it empty in the afternoon. He leaned and whispered, “This Steve of yours is dangerous.”

You interrupted Aiden, even though you already knew Steve was, the sight of his armed men still fresh in your head, and inquired, “Why do you say so?”

“It’s just like the fictional stories we hear from our parents, except here, in this city of ours, every myth holds true. There are really powerful men, untouchable by law, who reign the city silently and live luxuriously. Every shady, under the table deal you’ve heard of, transpires. Illegal trades, fraud schemes and bounty hunters are not fictional, they exist here. These men kill whatever hinders them and trust me, you don’t want to be the deer caught in their Jaguar’s headlights.”

Ice froze in your veins again, resembling the fear you felt that night but now because of your deemed ‘savior’. You convinced yourself that you had not wronged him in any way, instead had saved his daughter’s life.

“Are you in contact with him? If you are, distance yourself cleverly, don't block him immediately.”

“No, we just parted ways near my car, he thanked me for Sarah and was called away. It’s almost been a week and he hasn’t reached out if that’s what you mean. We didn’t exchange contacts and I don’t think I even told him my full name.” You explained yourself as if you were on the witness stand in court, trying to convince yourself more than Aiden.

“Pray that he doesn’t remember you more than that, if at all. I’m being totally honest here in telling you this, I’m genuinely worried for you and Grace. You are smart but he is powerful. He has unimaginable resources and if you become more than a speck of dust on his windshield, you are screwed. There is no exaggeration here.” You took his words to your heart and swore to be careful, if not for yourself then for Grace.

The rest of the day went by and you found yourself dwelling on and worrying about Aiden’s words. At least he put it out there as it was. Heeding his advice, you did google Steve on your phone, finally finding him in the topmost news headline when you added ‘Buck’ in the search bar as well.

‘With 38 lawsuits pending against businessman Steve Rogers, the filers have lost all hope in prosecuting him. All cases are being drawn out for indefinite periods of time by the Chief Justice Bruce……’

Aiden was right.

Businessmen was code for illegal mob heads. Cases being stretched on meant he was, in fact, invincible, at least to the common man’s fists.

You flickered through several titles, each one more surprising than the last. He was believed to be involved in the carnival attack, alleged for three hit and run cases that he didn’t lose but the witnesses swore they saw him driving and was also rumored to have brought in quintals of drugs just last week, but the packets just evaporated into thin air and there was no proof of their existence in the first place even on incessant searching.

Every crime of his made you shudder and you mentally thanked Aiden for pulling you out of your oblivion. Your mind raced and heart palpated and you cursed yourself for being so drastically unaware even after living here for almost four years. Technically speaking, Steve and you were even, him saving your life and you saving his daughter’s. No logical reason came to your mind for him contacting you ever.

You wished as Aiden said and assured yourself that your paths would never cross again, Steve not having reached out in a week, so hopefully never again.

That thought went out the window when you reached home to find a box awaiting you. Hannah, the babysitter you had called, informed you it came around 5 in the evening and was exclusively to be opened by you today.

Your mind raced as you paid the babysitter, your hands sweaty as you tried not to think about the gift and its sender. There was an apparently clear answer to who mailed it but you refused to accept that, courtesy of Aiden.

The box was of the height of Grace, it was black with red hearts painted across it; some red roses also sparingly adorned it. You opened the lid and found tons of red tissues and a multi-flower bouquet adorned with mostly red roses and a few purple and pink flowers.

Because of your frequent gardening in your backyard, you knew all the flowers’ meanings. To sum it all up, red flowers, especially roses were used for courting someone. Pink meant admiration, purple for beauty and you knew the ‘violet’ flowers were for loyalty.

As your nerves increased tenfold, you willed yourself to get it over with and empty out the box first, ignoring the little card in your bouquet, saving the ‘best’ for last. You find a mini bouquet inside but unlike yours, it had chocolates of every kind. You did read its card and cringed when it was for Grace, bothered not by the deed but by the doer.    

Further inside were some animal plushies, face masks, perfumes, scented body lotions and shampoos. Your head hurt thinking about the ‘single mother care package’ delivered to you by someone you refused to acknowledge.

As Grace sat in her playpen occupied, you dared to pick your card and read its message, your heart beating unrealistically fast for someone who refused to accept the cruciality of her situation.

~

I can’t thank you enough in this lifetime for saving my little princess. The gift of your help is more than anything money could ever buy for me. Please accept this invitation of mine for dinner tomorrow night, 7PM at La Bonne Nuit, as a symbol of my sincere gratitude for everything you’ve done. I’ll gets the kids covered and pick you up, you just be ready and look as amazing you always do.                   ��                                                                       Sincerely,                                                                      Steve Rogers

                                                                                            ~

You stilled as you read it over and over again.

An invitation, your ass. Even in writing his authority portrayed, there was no question and hope for you coming, he just stated that you’d come. Looking pretty as always? You just met him once, in the middle of a calamity, covered in dirt and blood.

All the red roses and gifts screamed his romantic interest but you illusioned yourself into thinking they meant gratitude. You wouldn’t be able to digest it all otherwise.

Knowing what you knew now about Steve, you understood there was no denying the dinner tomorrow. You had to get out of his clutches and distance yourself, but as Aiden had so rightfully said, cleverly.

That night you laid in bed mulling over your next course of actions. You had called the gift shop to return the unwarranted presents you received but they said it was non refundable and anonymous to trace. You bitterly snorted in their face, they put a card with Steve’s name on it for heaven’s sake!

You didn’t flinch even when you realized you never gave Steve your address, neither for mailing stuff nor for picking you up. There was no number given to call him and thank or to call him and deny. The bastard had planned it all out, and you felt like you were driving in a one way lane, going deeper into the tunnel. Somewhere among your all-relentless fretting, you managed to finally sleep.

 When the doorbell rang, your eyebrows furrowed. It was just 6 PM and you weren’t expecting anybody else except for Steve. You had already begun getting ready, having developed a habit of keeping an extra margin of time now having a toddler. You still had to assemble Grace’s essential backpack, fill it with her meds and bottles.

While still putting on your diamond earring, you made your way to the door, unlocking it to find a redhead grinning at you. Before you could interact with her, a small body clung to your legs and you looked down to find the azure eyed kid that put you in this mess, Sarah, smiling up at you.

“Mama! You look pwetty!” She looked up in awe and now aware that she didn’t have a mother, you were even more so coerced into accepting this title rather than telling the kid that 'you are semi orphaned'.

“I’m Wanda, Sarah’s nanny. Mr. Rogers told me to pick her friend, Grace, up for the night?” So, this was what Steve meant. Bringing Sarah was proof enough of her legitimacy, but behind her you saw ‘Buck’ salute you from the driver’s seat of the black car. One of these days, you needed to learn his real name.

You invited Wanda inside and Sarah ran to Grace immediately, grabbing and whining while asking Grace to give her some popcorn she was munching on, her fist generously full.

In your open plan kitchen, you grabbed two plastic bowls, filled them with each with the tub of popcorn that sat in the microwave and handed each toddler one, fortunately quietening Sarah. Sarah obeyed Grace, in first thanking you, their ‘mama’ and then following her to her open playpen.

You faced Wanda again who sat on a barstool and kept on beaming. If your annoyance at her amusement showed, she sure didn’t let it falter the smile.

“Mr. Rogers told me you’d worry about your daughter, but I assure you she’d be in more than capable hands.” All you could focus on was how self-reassured she was. “I’ve served him for almost two years, the last family I served, I was there for 8 years and before them, I was employed for 3. I know the general bedtime and snacks, all I need from you is information about her allergies.”

You nodded and told her about Grace, her meds and what all you packed. When you got to know that her family owned the daycare Grace went to, you were finally somewhat convinced. After seeing them off, it was about fifteen minutes later, that the devil disguised in Prada showed up at your door.

You grabbed your purse and your keys. Wiping your sweaty palms on your dress, you opened the door. Steve stood there, a smirk lodging on his handsome face. His blue, three-piece suit perfectly paired with his cerulean eyes was impressive to say the least.

He was dressed to kill, and it appeared as if you were his first victim.

As your eyes took him in from top to bottom, his did the same lazily, taking their time, resting at certain places for longer period than others.

“You look stunning.”

You knew you did. You wore one of your more expensive dresses when you found out La Bonne Nuit to be one of the few seven-star hotels in the country. In hindsight, if you’d have dressed worse, maybe he’d have left you alone.

“Thank you.”

“Shall we?” He offered you his hand and you obliged with your palm in his. Your other hand pulled the doorknob while you stepped out, all alarms already set-in place. He waited while you locked and put the keys in and when you were done, with a soft kiss along your knuckles, he pulled you along.

The act surprised you, your stomach turning and your gut wrenching and you wondered if you’d be able to process the food after all, with your upset digestive system.

Like a proper gentleman, he opened the door for you and when you settled, he took his position at the driver’s seat. The silence was painful for you, your overthinking finally filling ideas in your head that you avoided contemplating about all day, focusing on Grace.

He was relaxed though; his humming was proof enough.

Mid way through, your thoughts were rudely interrupted when a hand housed itself on your knee. You glanced to find Steve’s palm slightly rubbing your knee. If it was meant to be assuring, you certainly didn’t feel like it.

You frowned and looked up to Steve who still had the arrogant smirk on his face, eyes straight ahead on the road, giving no indication of his inappropriate touching.

You wanted to swat his hand away but a brainwave dashed through your head and a disturbing thought made you halt, that whether he carried guns to restaurants as well, since carnivals were no big deal.

You ignored his hand and continued looking outside, pretending to ignore it as well as he did. Your scowl was a huge giveaway though.

You didn’t know that, but when your eyes found their way out, his finally rested on your face, the smirk growing even more.

Thankfully, apart from the incongruous touching, the dinner went okay-ish. The food and wine were impeccable, perfect even, the restaurant on the hotel’s top floors was so picturesque. You tried to savor your one-time experience there, knowing you’d no way be able to come back there.

Well, you tried to relish as much as you could while your mind still sat there, wary of the human in front of you. If you’d ignore your journey here, Steve was nothing short of a true gentleman, often making you wonder if you had imagined his hand on you.

This ‘friendly’ date you were having was probably one of the best you have had, he had left no expenses. He appeared to be interested in your work, about your childhood and about Grace’s but you swiftly avoided his questions about her father. He was growing a tad bit too comfortable for your liking and you still refused to entertain the idea that this was a ‘date’ date.

When you were finally onto dessert, the last course of your meal, your table was shadowed by the broad frame of a brunette and his date. He clapped Steve’s shoulder and Steve rose to hug him, you awkwardly smiled.

“It’s been far too long since you’ve been here, Cap. Why don’t you and your gorgeous date stop by my penthouse for a bit? We could finally go over the papers you sent me, in person?” He winked, they discussed something more and then went away, his date bowing and trailing after him as well.

Steve claimed his seat again, and finally told you about the interrupter. “That was my good friend, Tony Stark, always in a hurry. I’ll introduce you to him when we meet him later.”

“I think I’ll be heading home; you need not worry about my introduction, I hardly think we’ll ever run into each other again.” His eyes narrowed and you clarified, “Me and Mr. Stark, I meant.”

That’s good, don’t associate yourself with more of his kind.

“He was so kind in inviting you though, it would be rude to refuse.”

“It’s already late, Steve. And I’ve never left Grace alone for a night yet. What if she’s antsy? What if she is bothered? What if she feels unsafe? She's only used to very few people, and after last week, I-” You had started the sentence hoping to use Grace as an excuse but every word of yours succeeded in making you more apprehensive.

The carnival night flashed in your mind, along with the nightmares and you started panicking even more. Your hands clammy, your dessert spoon fell in your lap as sought your phone in your purse, hoping to call Wanda for an update. You felt like a terrible mother, who left her child with a stranger, only a week after she suffered trauma, just to go on a date with a mobster.

Steve reached across the table and grabbed your fidgety hands and as you wriggled to get your hands free, he softly called your name. Voice stern but vocals gentle. Your blurry eyes snapped to meet his while he guided you to breathe deeply, in and out.

His firm hold convinced you to listen to him, you’d never free yourself of them otherwise.

When you had calmed a bit, he withdrew his hands and fetched his phone. Your thoughts slowed down, and you wondered if anyone here was judging you. Your little scene, mercifully, went unnoticed by the other affluent people dining here.

Steve handed you his phone where four colored frames rested, the screen showing you Grace and Sarah cuddled in a frilly, pink four poster where Wanda sat too, her lips moving.

The feed was live and the screen muted, both the toddlers’ eyes fluttering close slowly, on the bridge of sleep.

You handed the phone back to Steve and drank your water while he rubbed circles on the back of one of your hands. You never freaked out like you did right now, always collected and never giving into anxiety. What had happened to you?

Well, In your defense, you had never experienced a disaster either.

“The kids are safe; I’m never putting either of them in harm’s way ever again.”

Your mind did catch the plural in his statement but you promised yourself you would not let it get that far and continued drinking your water, emptying the entire glass.

“The HD image you just saw was by cameras Tony recently developed. His technology is amazing, I’ll take you to his lab sometime.” You appreciated his attempt to redirect the topic but you also focused on how tech-savvy his friends were as well.

You hummed and agreed, trying to be ambiguous with your answer.

When you finished your dessert, you hoped he’d forget about his ‘friend’ Tony but to no avail.

“His penthouse is two floors above. He owns this hotel as well in case you didn’t notice.” He led you to the elevator as you recalled the Starks Group logo you saw earlier sometime.

Some AI named Jarvis opened the elevator doors for you in the living room of Tony’s penthouse. It was even more magnificent than the restaurant earlier, the place illuminated by several hues of different colours. Steve chuckled and strung you along, introducing you to a ginger-head named Pepper, who was Tony’s date earlier and went to search for his acquaintance.

She offered you wine but you politely declined, opting for water instead. She brought your glass to you from the extravagant kitchen and you both sat on the barstool there instead of the living room. Too anxious to say the wrong thing, you stayed quiet until her voice filled the deafening silence.

“So, Steve almost never brings dates around. You two serious?” She questioned, leaning towards you, waiting for some gossip, no doubt.

“Oh no! We aren’t dating. He just invited me for a friendly dinner. We merely met the other week.” You deliberately left out the part where there was bombing by crime families and attack on the common man.

“Honey, in the mob life, you don’t just introduce random people to the fam.”

Oh, she wasn’t being shy about the whole mob ordeal. It seemed weird to hear it from her, since you and Steve hadn’t used the word yet. Maybe he figured you already knew considering the circumstances you met in or how famous he was.

“We really aren’t romantically involved. This dinner was just a gesture of gratitude if I’m being truthful.”

She chuckled, as if you were a kid making stories and quizzed, “Gratitude for what?”

You trapped yourself into that one. You didn’t know how to answer her and your brain downright blanked. Surprisingly,, Steve came to your rescue and two voices interposed your conversation.

Steve called your name and as you turned to the men, he continued, “She’s the one who saved Sarah the other night. You know the story, Wilson probably got it printed.”

“Impressive, really. Hey, I’m Tony and I see you’ve already met Pepper, my fiancée.” He shook your hand and kissed your knuckles, much like Steve did earlier in the day. You bowed, smiled and mumbled a ‘nice to meet you as well’. They escorted you to the elevator and Tony continued.

“Well, it’s not everyday Steve brings brave and extraordinarily attractive women around. Welcome to the family, sweetie. She’s a keeper, Cap.” He winked while saying the last sentence and before you could correct him, Steve ushered you inside the elevator, bro-hugging him. As the doors closed, Pepper winked at you from behind Tony and a shudder ran through you.

Okay you had to make it clear, get on the same page.

As the elevator music filled the silence, you started, “Steve, look we aren’t-”, “I served in the army, that’s why Tony calls me Cap, short for captain.” And crudely got interrupted.

“I never wanted to get into the army, I thought people were fools to sacrifice the one life they got. But I went to make my mother’s dream a reality, I really loved her, you know? Sarah is named after her, my mother.”

His voice broke at the end and as much as you wanted to redirect onto your former topic, you couldn’t. This amiability of yours would be the death of you.

“She died alone in her bed; I was dispatched too far away to even make it back for her funeral.” He mumbled but you heard him clear as a sunny day, and he leaned back onto the wall for support while you awkwardly rubbed his shoulder to return the support he provided earlier during your mental breakdown.

He closed his eyes and gathered himself, taking deep breaths. As the elevator dinged, his eyes opened and he gave you a strained smile.  

The car ride to his mansion was painfully silent, his mind too sidetracked to focus on harassing you again. With all that you went through today, you almost forgot about that.

His mansion was enormous, twenty guards stood outside and even more patrolled the lawn. He took you inside his house, the interior even more detailed and scenic than Tony’s temporary residence.

You just concentrated on swiftly getting Grace and Uber-ing back. As Steve showed you earlier, Grace and Sarah hugged and slept and it was a meticulous task to untangle their limbs without waking either of them up andnd get Grace with her back-pack. You thanked Wanda on the way out, hoping to avoid Steve but somehow he stood outside before you, leaning on his sleek black car. He opened the door for you before you could refuse the ride. You settled with Grace in the backseat itself, trying to be smart.

He just summoned one of his guards to drive and sat alongside you in the back. You didn’t let the annoyance at his clinginess show though. You just focused on Grace who drooled over your shoulder.

Hopefully, there won’t be any point of exposure to him ever again, your circles didn’t match, both social and professional. Your Venn diagrams didn’t overlap anywhere. This should be reason enough to avoid meeting ever again.

He didn’t try anything even this ride around. You doubted it was hardly because of the toddler or because of the driver. He did as he pleased, if he wanted to he could very well grope you. Luckily, he wasn't in the mood.

When you reached your dwelling, you stepped out hastily, thanking him in a whisper. You fumbled to get your keys out, but since everything you held slowed you down, he caught up with you without even trying.

He took and held Grace’s bag while you drew the keys out, Grace still on your hip. He handed you the bag back, “So this is it, I guess?”

“Yeah, tonight was a total delight. Thanks for the dinner and everything, really.” You put up your best façade, hoping to convince him.

“It was, thanks to you. The company matters the most.”

You awkwardly chuckled and you sensed him leaning in, his eyes flickering shut. Your eyes closed as you turned your head to avoid him, so that his lips would peck your cheek.

They never came.

Your eyes opened to find his and he chuckled, leaning in once again swiftly, catching you off guard this time. He didn’t meet your lips though, he kissed the corner of your mouth, lips overlapping for a fraction of skin.

“In due time, baby.” He stepped back and strolled to his car leisurely, content in his own world.

You opened your door and slammed it shut, the peck feeling wrong on so many levels. It felt more sensual than a lover’s kiss, leaving room for intimacy and longing.

Your thoughts ran a hundred kilometers an hour, the most absurd but nauseatingly true being, this was a date and it was not your last encounter.

Steve smirked outside in his car, the dinner an absolute success in his opinion. Tonight just made him feel that you both were more than compatible for each other. You needing him during your mental breakdown, him relaxing under your shy touch, Tony’s approval, not that important though, and your anxiety for Grace was the best part, because he, more often than he’d like to admit, fussed about Sarah the same way, agonizing and fretting her well being.

A text lit up his black screen and his grin widened even more if possible.

‘The Stark cameras are up and working, Sir.’

[loopy777]

Nickelodeon gives you the task of writing a series based on Korra's earthbending successor with no limits on what you can do. How would you write his story?

Interesting that you say “his.” There’s no rule that the Avatars have to alternate gender, but at this point the fandom assumes it so much that I’d just go with it to avoid controversy.

Anyway, I’d probably turn Nickelodeon down if they wanted me to write Korra’s successor. I have no interest in the future that seems to be getting established in LoK. I want the franchise to stay in the past forever; there’s more than enough room, and I’d even be open to throwing away the concept of “canon” to tell stories that might merely be in-universe legends.

But, I’m going to try to answer the question in good faith. If I was a professional television writer/producer, and my career depended on saying yes to this and trying to do a good job, here’s what I’d do:

Working Title: The Last Avatar

Our star is a poor Earthlands boy. The Earth Kingdom collapsed years ago, Balkanizing into a bunching of struggling nations divided up haphazardly among various tribes, local cultures, and convenient geographical groupings. Our Boy is an Earthbender, but he hasn’t pursued any official training because it’s largely a waste of time and money. Instead, he’s been working his way through an education, learning about robotics and spirit-energy, because demand is high for that knowledge. He repairs old robots for spare money, and even has his own glitchy assistant -- who can transform into a van -- who he likes to trash-talk to show his love. He’s a huge nerd.

Actually, the only reason he can defend himself with Earthbending at all is because of a classmate and friend who’s passed on her own lessons. This girl is one of seventeen young adults who currently use the Beifong name. She’s a Metalbender using her ability to innovate with circuitry, very interested in technology and business, but she also values some of the old ways and thinks Bending is an important part of Earth culture that should not be ignored.

Our Boy knows he’s not the Avatar because the Avatar is a super-famous influencer, activist, pop-singer, and advertising icon. She lives in the Fire Nation and has green hair. You should picture Hatsune Miku for her. There are bigger celebrities, and none of her movies have been huge hits, but the Avatar still has enough culture significance that she was born famous and has managed to stay in the news.

By the way, Fire Nation culture is dominant. All the best stuff comes from the Fire Nation. Their movies, television, music, and video games are popular all over the world. Their technology is better. Their quality is life is better. They have the best doctors, the fastest internet, bigger apartments, the most prestigious schools, and the best jobs. Immigration is limited by law, in order to maintain their high quality of life.

The United Republic and the Water Tribes have seized some former Earth Kingdom territory, so their influence has expanded. The United Republic invested heavily in technology, and they’re now a dystopian cyberpunk nightmare with a government that just does whatever its corporations say. The president of the United Republic is a position that rich men use to become richer. The Water Tribes are a lot better, having managed to transition to a constitutional monarchy and maintain something like a balance between life and technology.

Note that I didn’t say “spirituality and technology,” because the two are one. All technology is spirit-powered. Spirits can meld with the internet. Spirits can inhabit robot bodies. Spirits and humans meet in abstract Virtual Realities where the difference between the two disappears.

And all of this orderly chaos is set to collapse when Our Boy accidentally Firebends during a dangerous action moment. He and Beifong Girl realize he might be the Avatar. But Hatsune Miku has demonstrated command of all four elements. On separate occasions she’s been seen and filmed Earthbending, Firebending, Waterbending, and Airbending, sometimes two at once. So how can Our Boy also do that?

Beifong Girl urges him to contact the Air Nation and the descendants of Avatar Aang to find out. Except, when he does with her family’s help, Dual-Benders -- warriors using two different elements -- try to kill him. He’s been betrayed by the Air Nation- and possibly the Beifong clan. His friend helps him get away, but she isn’t sure she can trust her family. They both go on the run, not sure what to do.

The mystery of what’s going on will drive the whole series. Here’s our cast:

Our Boy: The true Earthbending Avatar, completely untrained. He’s a poor nerd thrown into the deep end of a global conspiracy, but fortunately he has a robot who transforms into a van, so at least he has transporation.

Beifong Friend: Our Boy’s best friend. Not a love interest. She’s the youngest Beifong cousin, an Earthlands patriot who wants to raise the former Earth Kingdom out of its divided state using technology. She’s also far too gentle for her family of power-hungry vipers, but she’s still a great Earthbender and will become a Metalbender warrior before the end.

Fake Avatar Hatsune Miku: An artificial biological/spiritual construct of the Red Lotus, able to Bend two elements at any one time by swapping out a set of four spirits (all of whom are intelligent, devoted solely to her, and have different personalities), and the center of a conspiracy that she’s the Avatar. The Red Lotus built her and are using her to advance their plans. She joins the hunt for Our Boy, officially decrying him as a Disciple of a Vaatu cult trying to destroy humanity. However, she eventually begins to have thoughts of her own and resent how she’s used and abused as a tool rather than a person. She becomes our Deuteragonist, going rogue and having her own journey and arcs that intersect with Our Boy. Depending on fandom reaction, she might becomes Our Boy’s love interest, but might also become just another friend. She eventually frees her spirit friends, giving up all Bending powers.

Water Sage-Candidate: A young man who is training to be a Water Sage/Shaman. He’s a new-age hippie type who distrusts technology but likes people and spirits, wanting everyone to be nicer and more supportive to each other. He’s suspicious of what’s going on with this supposed Vatuu cult, despite his master (a Red Lotus infiltrator) telling him to trust in the true Avatar. When Our Boy and his friends come to Water Tribe territory, he joins up with them to help expose the truth.

Air Detective: An Airbender, a master detective and manhunter, who has been tasked with helping to track down Our Boy. It turns out she’s honest and completely ignorant of what’s really going on, so as she hunts Our Boy, she realizes the greater conspiracy at work- one that seems to have set its sights on the Air Nation back during the height of Avatar Korra’s influence. She’s older than the main cast and largely separate from them, but she does spend a lot of time with Fake Avatar Hatsune Miku and becomes something of a mentor to her. She struggles balancing Airbender ideals and her own cynicism about humanity, and is probably the best fighter in the story.

The Red Lotus: Our villains. They have infiltrated every level of every government in the world, and have figured how to replicate what Raava did with Wan- use a melding between spirits and humans to swap out Bending powers. They have managed to get up to a human/spirit combo being able to actively use two at a time, but they’re hot on replicating the full Avatar experience. The idea is that they eventually want to give everyone full Avatar powers, ruining the office of the Avatar and empowering everyone with the strength to topple governments and businesses. Any single person can knock over a building and kill thousands. And for those who are incompatible with the melding process and explode- well, those are necessary losses. Red Lotus foot soldiers will often have, as one of their two elements, Firebending.

Red Lotus Traitor: A NonBender history nerd from a Red Lotus family. The more he sees as he’s initiated into the family business, the more horrified he becomes, but he successfully manages to hide it- which is good, because recruits who balk tend to wind up dead in ‘accidents.’ When Our Boy comes to the Fire Nation, he and his friends encounter the Traitor, which brings them to the Red Lotus’s attention, but the Traitor finally breaks free and gets the group out, joining them.

Boss Red Lotus: The leader of the Red Lotus. A NonBender. She and her family -- siblings, a father or mother we can maybe tie to a character in LoK, and maybe a kid or spouse -- are running the whole show and have inherited the plan that the Red Lotus are executing. What separates Boss Red Lotus is her personal investment in Fake Avatar Hasune Miku. She thinks of herself as Miku’s mother, and has become more interested in creating a higher form of life than merely giving humanity Avatar powers. She grows more obsessed when Miku goes rogue and commissions a more advanced clone.

Fake Love Interest: A love interest for Our Boy who is a little bit weird and a little bit cool, very pretty in a vaguely gothy way, and fond of bugs. This is actually Koh in disguise as a human, and the romance doesn’t work out. It will be awesome, trust me.

The bulk of the series is Our Boy and his growing group of friends tooling around the world in their robot-van, chased by Fake Avatar Hatsune Miku and the Airbender Detective, slowly uncovering the Red Lotus conspiracy and eventually rising up to save the world with the help of everyone who isn’t evil. The setting is dark and inspired by science-fiction, and there’s a theme of rediscovering the past, but the past doesn’t always hold the solution. Sometimes, the past merely contains the mistakes that led to today’s problems. The redemption of the world usually comes from getting in touch with the culture of the past, and mixing that with the wondrous new technology available today.

The ending I’m envisioning is a kind of embracing of the Red Lotus’s plan, but a non-destructive form. Everyone gets all four elements, but no one is killed by it, and the power level is completely normal. The Avatar, though, is the sole person to be able to Energybend, and it’s this role -- being able to explore the limitless potential of humanity -- that makes the Avatar important going forward. The significant Red Lotus are all sucked into hell or the Fog of Lost Souls or something, except for those who die outright, with the rest being rehabilitated.

Romance will be downplayed, aside from the fakeout with Koh, but if any of the recurring characters show some chemistry, there’s room to develop it. The Fake Avatar Hatsune Miku should be designed to be the audience’s tortured, angsty, badass waifu.

The next level of development for these ideas should come from the Concept Artist team, especially focusing on the weapons used in this setting. This will be followed by a more detailed revision by me with major plot points, and then going to the writers’ room for development of the first season. Entire characters or concepts may disappear or be added during that time.

Merchandising should emphasize the Tron Lines on everyone’s clothing that glow when Bending. Also, the Robot Van can be expanded to a whole line of transforming robots toys, although the word “transform” should not appear in any official material. We see video games as a major licensing opportunity, with a possibility for “canon” stories set in the same time period, intersecting with the cartoon’s main plot. To this end, final character designs should perhaps be modeled on voice actors, so that face scans or motion capture can be employed for AAA video game appearances.

And that’s my pitch.

[anxiety-trademark]

The week in review:

Raw 12/14 NXT 12/16 NXT UK 12/17 Smackdown 12/18 TLC 12/20 + Main Event 12/17

Raw:

“This Sunday at tlc, it’s gonna be you and me against Nia and Shayna,” Lana says to Asuka, as a quiet ‘woo’ can be heard in the distance.

Lana facing her fears and fighting Nia Jax makes her the bravest person Asuka knows. Rolling. Fucking Asuka. ASUKA. wwe, stop.

Why isn’t Asuka accompanying Lana to the ring?

I like Lana’s gear.

Joe just compared Lana to a mosquito, goodbye.

Oh snap look how fast Lana did that headscissors takedown. We’re witnessing her progression, ladies and gents.

You know, I knew Lana would win this match, I knew exactly how she would win this match, but jfc what a treat watching it myself. 

Nia’s face lmfao.

Shayna wrecking Asuka so she can’t save Lana from her inevitable fate. Still curious on whether or not this beatdown injured her, if she was injured going into the match, or if it was all really just a storyline.

Yikes this is sad.

Man that leg drop onto Lana’s ankle actually looked kinda wicked, ngl.

*distant woo intensifies*

Wow we got real tears from Lana. Points.

Becky and Charlotte have been gone, Alexa hasn’t been on tv, the Raw women’s championship has become a meaningless prop... what a dead period for this roster.

Hi why is this match happening?

I will never not be impressed by Dana’s entrance.

Is Mandy actually hurt? Why did they take her off tv for so long? Is Shayna the resident kayfabe shelver? “Hey this girl is actually injured, have her written off by Shayna” ?? Cuz I know they’re not splitting Dana and Mandy up, and Dana has been on tv every week since Mandy left. Must be genuine.

These 2 are running roughshod over the entire division at this point.

OH SHIT MANDY’S BACK WITH A KENDO STICK

Lmfao the babyfaces are fucking done with Nia and Shayna. Honestly that’s great, I love it when babyfaces band together to stand up to dominant duos. This has been going on long enough. They took out Mandy, took out Lana, were about to take out Dana. Totally fair.

Highlight: Lana getting a clean win over Nia & being taken out so my queen can return

---

NXT:

It’s a funny thing with Toni and Rhea. Toni says she’s the reason Rhea came to nxt, but she’s also the reason I became such a huge fan of Rhea’s. Heard they were having some big TakeOver match and everyone was always praising Toni. So I checked into Blackpool solely to see what the Toni Storm fuss was about, and I left that ppv solely impressed by Rhea Ripley. Then I took particular notice of Rhea in the Royal Rumble a few weeks later, and I’ve been watching NXT UK for her ever since (til she moved). To see her growth has been tremendous, and she’s so young. Such a bright future.

The music to this is great.

Toni says she isn’t scared of Rhea, as if Rhea’s mere theme music didn’t scare the absolute shit out of Toni the week prior lol.

Toni’s not even a terrible promo, but the timing of her blinks could not be worse. Yes, it matters.

I can’t stop laughing at how fucking intensely Shotzi started this interview.

She does pissed off interviews well. I can feel her annoyance.

Really don’t want to see a Candice/Shotzi feud tbh but okay, I’ll try.

aaand there’s the howl. Awful.

Lmfao Rhea called Toni a piece of trash. This is gonna be interesting to see with the alignments reversed.

I don’t remember who won this match, but I’m betting it was Toni. Which is fair tbh. Rhea is probably on the “put some peeps over before moving up to the main roster” path that everyone in the women’s division walks on. They always eat at least one monumental, or a couple meaningful, loss(es).

Oh man that is fucked up. To not only be forced to continue punching/kicking a human (fun fact: the person on the offense takes quite the damage doing so) but to have the defenseless victim bleed out and beg for you to stop. That’s rough.

This was shot really well. That music holy shit, I’m creeped out. It’s like a horror movie.

I see the point. Numbs him to pain and breaks his will, while numbing her to mercy. Ruthless stuff.

Oh are we finally done with Indi’s neck brace? Cool.

I can’t believe wwe invested in this upgraded tank. I still don’t think it’d work on the MR, but points to the boss for shelling out the cash.

Wtf was that stumble and “fall” by Indi lmao.

If Candice was a real bully, she’d distract Shotzi by fucking with her tank at ringside.

Indi does need a mentor, she’s a hell of a lot greener than my mutuals have made it sound. oof.

Shotzi looks like she has no idea how to work with Indi, and Indi looks gassed, confused, and slow as hell.

All Indi knows it going from spot to spot while Shotzi waits around for her to get there.

Lol Indi failed at getting a dirty win. I don’t really care if this is a part of her The Way storyline, what a mess.

The only redeeming part of this piss poor segment was Theory shaking the troll’s head at Shotzi.

I’ll give wwe an extra $9.99 if they let this match have a clean ending.

“[Rhea] was at one point the biggest superstar in the world,” that isn’t even close to being true because Becky Lynch exists, but I’ll let it slide and pretend you said “in nxt”.

Their paths will be so similar to Becky and Charlotte in the future.

Wow what a sequence. That would’ve received an applause on the MR. Traded headlocks for restholds, threw around their strength, then went into a battle of pinfall reversals. Instead of following that with some stalemate, they didn’t take a breath and proceeded to dance with each other and showcase some chemistry before rolling back into a battle of pinfall reversals. The sequence started with a kick by Toni to Rhea’s midsection, and it ends with a kick by Rhea to Toni’s midsection. Peep that match production, good stuff.

My, my, those slaps to Toni’s back. Whew.

Yeah actually it’s really fucking cool that these 2 get to main event nxt together, come to think of it.

They sell well for each other.

Rhea has the best dropkicks, lesbireal.

Holy shit Toni’s headbutts make my own head hurt. God I wish she wouldn’t. Most people put their hands between the heads so no contact can be made, but Toni’s just like “lol fuck it”

This is a great match. This duo works a lot better with these specific alignments. Watching face Toni try to chop down Rhea is not as good as heel Toni being impossibly hard for Rhea to put away.

Women’s matches and never having a clean ending. Name a more iconic duo. Winter of overbooked women’s matches continues.

Like I had guessed Toni was gonna win anyway, but fucking come on.

*Bonus* online exclusive: Toni says playing by the rules got her diddly and squat, but like... she was a champion lol. “It ain’t even Toni time right now, it’s party time.” Alright.

Highlight: Rhea vs Toni minus the ending

---

NXT UK:

I don’t know why we’re getting Isla Dawn vs KLR but anytime I get to see KLR fight, I’m here for it.

Hell even Isla’s song never kicks it out of first gear. Song has so much potential but it never goes to the next level.

Ahhhh my Scottish queen is here.

No, don’t compare Sasha’s basement meteora to the double knees Isla did. That was pitiful.

Anyway, KLR vs any of the 4hw would be fantastic, take my money. Sasha, Bayley, Charlotte, or the woman KLR wanted to face at TO Dublin, Dublin native Becky Lynch.

That back body drop is horrendous as a finisher. It’s like when Becky won her debut match the exploder suplex. Awful lmao. Imagine if KLR lost to a back body drop ffs.

You don’t get to be this frustrated for not being able to beat the champion when you’ve only been fighting for like 3 mins.

Isla’s pisspoor speed going in the corner, and her pisspoor roll off of KLR’s tornado ddt. Shame.

Such a clean transition from a failed pinfall attempt into a submission by KLR, whew.

This whole match was just a flex by KLR lmao.

There was a time where we had Becky Lynch, Bayley, Rhea Ripley and KLR as our champions. Wow, take me back plz.

The background music of this stupid recording is so unnecessarily dramatic, wow.

All for the delivery of a chair. Of a fucking chair. Piper... shut up and handle your shit.

For someone so much larger than the little man, Piper is insanely unintimidating.

Highlight: I got to see KLR wrestle

---

Smackdown:

Bayley does run her mouth a lot. She’s kind of the EST at saying dumb shit that gets her into trouble lmao.

Bianca is so friggin good at interviews and in backstage segments. She hasn’t received much of a chance to do promos in the ring, let alone obviously to a live crowd, but I hope she shines there, too.

Has Liv reverted back to being a dumb blonde, or is it drugs? Stop letting her speak.

Love Riott Squad’s everchanging gear. Wonder who makes it for them.

Billie Kay claims that she’s a ‘seasoned’ ring announcer, and somehow that would not surprise me.

Tamina “get the fuck out of my face until I get a nap and a vat of coffee” Snuka, everyone.

Lmfaooo Tamina fucking chucked Liv across the damn ring. What a good job by Liv.

Ruby is exceptional at running the ropes. She gets a good spring off of it.

Tamina’s hair is always so beautiful, she gets points there.

Dropkick into a faceplant. Billie Kay gets pinned rofl. She’s so bad at wrestling and yet here I am ridiculously entertained.

There’s absolutely nothing wrong with Carmella’s current persona, but man I wish she’d come out in a cut off tank top, camo pants, high tops and a printed hat.

I mean people are at home cuz covid, but go off.

Aye putting over Sasha. Good heel Mella.

Sasha has held the title for like a whopping 2 months and we’re already marking calendars. Sad.

In kf, Sasha is kind of mentally weak, so I’ll give Mella that. I’m not sure what it’s gonna take to shake that perception, either.

“Who is Sasha Banks if she’s not the Boss? Who is Sasha Banks if she’s not the best? It’s sad because that’s a question that not even Sasha Banks knows the answer too.” So I get that wwe are trying to help Sasha develop and fight off her past demons, but man these women are ripping her a new one. Sasha’s only 29 so she can grow and develop however she wants, but jeeze. Salt, meet the dagger Bayley stuck in Sasha’s back.

I like Mella cuz she knows how to hype her opponent’s accolades and strengths while cutting an immaculate heel promo where she hits them RIGHT where it hurts. She’s a pro. Heels should take notes.

This music is like the Jazz Vibes playlist I always listen to.

She just called Sasha cheap and frantic lmaoooo

Oh damn Sasha be out here looking like MONEY. That girl has style, even if it doesn’t always hit with me, she got style.

oof the crack of that slap to Reggie.

OOF the crack of the bottle shattering over Sasha’s poor back. rip.

Match at TLC should’ve been a champagne match. That entails whatever your mind comes up with; pouring alcohol on your opponent, dumping their head in a bucket of ice, breaking bottles over spines. It don’t matter.

“You don’t see me going around here bragging about how damn good I am,” lmao WHAT. Bayley is equal parts delusional and obnoxiously annoying.

One size heel does not fit all, but I think her version suits her beautifully.

If I were her I’d pick your brain too, but I’d also want a match, cuz people leave matches with you looking as good as humanly possible. Equal parts selfless as well.

She didn’t lie, this was absolutely her putting Bianca on the map on the main roster.

wwe: wants to strap a rocket to Bianca and make her a star. Also fucking wwe: “lol no we’re not gonna show you her full entrance, cry more scrub.” 

Bayley still looks weird without a title.

Bayley mocks Bianca’s entrance and then gets swept onto the apron lmao. Idiot.

Bianca is a lot of flash and showboating, which is great from an entertainment standpoint, but she needs to do a little... less.

Fantastic snap of the hand against the led board. Bayley wrecking Bianca’s arm gonna hinder the flips.

“I’m the ER. I’m BET-TER. haha.” lmao Bayley is such a fucking dork. Got sent into the ring steps for her bravado. Love that there’s always immediate repercussions for Bayley’s arrogance.

Bayley turned midway going down onto Bianca’s knee for that backbreaker, there. Hope she doesn’t have a massive bruise. Looked like it’d leave a massive bruise.

3 things I’ll apparently never get to see again: Bianca’s hair whip, Bianca’s full entrance, and Bianca’s 450 splash. I’m tired.

These stupid fucking squats while Bianca is dangling off the top rope rofl I swear Bayley is something else. Girl knows how to entertain. “Bayley got a bit cute and Bianca made her pay,” story of Bayley’s life.

Beautiful spinebuster by Bianca. At least SOMEONE in the women’s division will use it.

Bit of a miscommunication there it seems. Bayley goes for a B2B, Bianca tries to block it, Bayley drops down to dodge and go for a cradle. She rolls Bianca all the way back, stands up and hesitates before running at Bianca with an elbow - even though Bianca is not in position to receive it - which Bianca counters by rolling Bayley up, but it was super obvious Bianca was just scouting the next spot. Bianca goes to pick her up for a powerbomb but Bayley has to kick out twice to prevent herself from being pinned while Bianca tries to lift her. That entire sequence was super messy.

Then Bianca nearly drops her lifting her all the way up lol. Yikes. Gotta be pretty fluent to pull that off. Not to plug my fav (but I’m totally gonna plug my fav); it’s a move Charlotte does in almost every match against Asuka or Becky, and you gotta be not only built to pull it off, but you need to have impeccable timing to make the transition look smooth. Extra points if you lift them off the mat RIGHT before a 3 (which Charlotte usually does)

Anyway, good match with a messy last 2 sequences. Bayley did what Bayley does best.

Highlight: Bayley vs Bianca

---

TLC:

They really took Eva Marie and Sasha Banks’ characters and meshed them together while keeping Carmella’s obsession for animal print lol.

Really don’t like that gear. That’s a miss, Mikaze.

Beautiful arm drag. Sasha taking the idea of wrestling like a Lucha more seriously? Cuz she should, ain’t nobody else in the MR doing it.

Commentators say the trash talk is continuing, I say Sasha is quietly leading this match with a grimace. Peeped that “hit me”.

Carmella goes to suicide dive through the ropes just for Reggie to catch her, cept she got caught up and started turning in midair. Would’ve hit her neck and shoulder HARD had he not been there. Great catch indeed.

Sasha “rip my back” Banks.

Not to be douchey, but if you have to adjust your gear in the middle of a match and it’s not just to fill time or be used as character work, then you need to redesign your gear.

Sasha’s a great babyface once that bell rings man. I wish she could carry that energy everywhere.

Holy fuck that facebuster. SPIKED her head, oh my god. I have never seen anyone make a facebuster look so impactful. Points if intentional.

Oh the timing of Sasha blocking that superkick from legit connecting. God she’s good.

You know how I know this is a good match? I’m watching some of these near pinfalls and submissions knowing damn well Sasha’s gonna win, yet my anxiety is still spiking thinking Carmella might walk out with the title. I KNOW she doesn’t though lmao. Good sequences, believable offense, great near pinfalls. They work well together (I’m not surprised, Mella and Sasha both work well with almost anyone)

What a fantastic transition into the bank statement. Points.

That match should’ve ended by dq the second Reggie pulled Mella out. 

Sasha could’ve sold that double superkick pinfall attempt a little bit more.

Carmella having a breakdown. What does that mean? That means she’s about to lose this match lmao. There it is, not even 10 seconds later hahaha.

Sasha sells pain so damn well. Good for her. Good defense of her title. Points to Sasha, she’s phenomenal every time she has an actual match. Post-match and she’s already annoyed me though lol. Ugh. Maybe she’ll get it soon enough.

Nice “replay” wwe. Billion dollar company btw.

Billie, drawing a horizontal line is not how you write ‘clairvoyant’. 

“proficient in Japanese” aw Asuka was so excited for a split second lmao.

Oh no, she made a mask to match Asuka’s with a paper plate. Oh no no no. Travesty. 

Ugh I’m so excited. I’ve already seen this and yet I’m excited. Here we are, the whole damn reason I started catching up on everything I basically refused to watch since June 22.

SHE LOOKS LIKE MONEY, WHEW. The queen IS back. She’s so fucking beautiful man.

Love how annoyed Nia looks. This is your comeuppance tbh. Could’ve just faced a measly Lana, but no, you had to play too much.

Really Charlotte shouldn’t be in the tag division, and really she shouldn’t give half of a fuck about Asuka, but we’ll get to that more in the future since this is already nearly 2 months old.

Nia’s doing a great job selling Charlotte’s return, and she’s not even active in the match rn. She does good work.

Bad camera angle on Asuka hitting the ring post.

Asuka getting wrecked lol.

I really despise that the Raw women’s championship was tied up in all of these storylines that have nothing to do with the Raw women’s championship. The Lana crap, the Charlotte crap, the tag teaming in general crap.

In hindsight, I now find it curious that Ric Flair was in the back for this match. Very curious. I swear, if the past 2 real time months weren’t a part of some master plan the Flairs came up with together, I will be SHOCKED.

Charlotte’s fucking crazy for doing those moonsaults to the outside though, for real. I know she was a gymnast and an exceptional cheerleader, but MAN you could not pay me to do fucking blind back flips that high up. Crazy.

She should’ve given us a spear in this match. I wanna go rewatch her work just to see some spears.

Good match. They needed to not focus on destroying Asuka for as long as they did, pacing was off for a little bit there.

Love how Charlotte sticks her tongue out when she bridges up into the figure 8. She’s such an asshole lmao.

If I could’ve changed one thing about that finish, I would’ve had Charlotte bounce off the ropes before hitting Natural Selection. Other than that, it was great.

Charlotte looks good with a title, idk *shrug*

The way Charlotte looked over at Asuka though. I really don’t trust her in hindsight lol.

Like how this Firefly Funhouse is setting the spotlight on Alexa before Bray takes his leave of absence, only wish she hadn’t missed 2-3 wks of tv.

What a fun way of running a video package.

Inferno matches are insane and I’m not sure why anyone would participate in such.

Think it’s smart they’re both leaving their jackets on tbh.

Alright that was cool. The way Fiend called up the flames was fucking cool. It looks amazing aesthetically. They could’ve never done the set quite like this if there had been fans.

WE HAVE STRAPS?! IS FIRE NOT ENOUGH?!? Man. Randy is a fucking trooper.

Guys. Guys excuse me, that strap is on fire, can... can we not, please??

Man is swinging a god damn pick axe at Randy Orton, I--

I hope that wasn’t actually flammable liquid cuz otherwise Randy is now soaked in it, and that’s insanely dangerous. Oh that’s great editing. So it was flammable, but Randy was out of the chair before the fire rushed at him. Also covered the chair in blood. That was cool.

Orton just pull the damn string out of the jacket real quick lol.

Caught Orton’s attempt at an rko with a mandable claw. Points.

Can someone... put him out? Editing trick? Were the flames real? Am I real??

Shouldn’t the bell ring? Match is over, right??

The dummy was kind of obvious ngl. Not to sound like an asshole, but they should’ve made it a bit thicker and more solid lol. Doesn’t really take me out of it though, cuz even though I’m sure it was a stunt double that got lit on fire by the ramp, someone was on fucking fire, and that’s intimidating in itself.

Also the dummy is melting. I’d say they should’ve used pig meat, but I’m sure vegans and animal rights activists would’ve had a field day writing to Snickers about that.

Was a good match, for what it was. I was entertained.

---

*BONUS*

Main Event:

“Nasty Nikki” lol okay.

“The only reason people even know you exist is because you were Alexa Bliss’ best friend,” ouch. Truth is pain.

Ahahahah Lacey has hand sanitizer again. 

Love that submission Lacey jumped into through the ropes, plus an eye rake. Fantastic.

That’s curious. Lacey and Peyton are arguing over the hand sanitizer as Lacey wants to squirt it on Nikki, while Peyton is claiming it’ll get her DQd. Now I’m on Peyton’s side in the sense that it should absolutely be illegal, but Lacey’s done it in a match against Nikki before, sooo ???

I like how Nikki fell trying to get back into the ring before the 10 count. Adds credibility.

Haha Nikki gets the pinfall over Lacey because Peyton was being a nuisance on the outside. Lacey big mad. That’s great.

---

*Smackdown easily shined the brightest in what was a great week of wrestling. Utilized 8 women in 3 different storylines, couldn’t possibly complain about that.

[vgm-archivist]

10 Of The Top Video Game Songs In No Particular Order: Part I

#10 When Grieving Ends, the Fight Begins

Dinosaur (PC-88)

Falcom’s Dinosaur I will defend until my last day. It’s FM-Town’s version of the soundtrack represents some of Falcom’s finest work. Immediately a heavy slide leads into a 2 cymbal bashing intro. A sporadic guitar lead follows alongside a powerful backing representing Falcom’s classic J-rock sound but with a twisted, demented style on top of it

#9 Legend of Lone Wolves

Brandish 3 (PC-98)

No other game company has impressed me with it’s musical openings as much as Falcom. Naoki Kaneda of Falcom Sound Team jdk gives us the second opening of Brandish 3, beginning with a melancholy introduction. Then, the bass and drums start and an optimistic melody begins as it introduces you to the games main characters. Despite this, the song overall carries an energetic yet sorrowful tone until the end.

#8 Prince of Darkness

Lagoon (X68000)

Zoom Sound Team remains criminally underacted for their musical compositions. Lagoon is the height of their productions, and those who remember playing the Super Famicom version remember that as soon as they turned the game on they were blasted in the face with the song Prince of Darkness. An epic j-rock song used as a title and final boss theme depending on the version played. Many people compare Lagoon to Ys, but Lagoon isn’t Ys, it is itself and has definitely made a name for itself. It doesn’t need to be compared to it. The song starts with a slow lead over aggressive drumming and rhythm work. Towards the end is a wonderful solo powerful yet calm at times.

#7 Introduction

Ai Cho Aniki (NEC PC Engine)

The Cho Aniki series shows us how far creativity and originality can go in a game and its music. I can describe it as a surreal comedy of outrageous designs, concepts, and sometimes abominable yet wonderful music. The introduction shows you what’s in store for you. A barrage of outrageous voices, dance infusing beats and hormonal singing. It’s the beginning of one of video game history’s strangest games and soundtracks, composed by Taku Iwasaki.

#6 Battle for the Fields

Rudra no Hihou (Super Famicom)

Ryuji Sasai graced us not only with Mystic Quest, but with Rudra no Hihou among others. It’s the blooming evolution of what a Mystic Quest sequel would be. Battle for the fields combines horns and violin leads with bass, drums, and synth to bring down a classical rock hybrid classic to look forward to every battle.

#5 Thieve’s Guild

Sword World SFC (Super Famicom)

Sword World SFC is another soundtrack that does not receive the recognition and respect it deserves. Thieve’s Guild is led by a strong piano bass duo lead. It has a third instrument in the background similar to what you’d hear in Seiken Densetsu, except this game was in production before Seiken Densetsu came out.

#4 Unused music (Strange Memories of Death)

Gimmick! (Nintendo Entertainment System)

Most people who are aware of the NES seem surprised a soundtrack like Gimmick! was possible. The bass in particular sounds impossibly realistic to what most people would think a NES is capable of. The quality of this unused song even surpasses many Super Famicom games. Definitely one of the finest NES songs, Strange Memories of Death sounds like a cute pop song with some attitude.

#3 Stand Up Against Myself

Thunder force IV (Sega Mega Drive)

We all praise Thunder Force IV, truly the endgame of what a game can do to excel with metal and with such limitations. I picked the ending song Stand up Against myself not only because it’s one of the best songs (alongside Metal Squad), but because it fits so perfectly with the story’s end.

Two pilots fly the Rynex, the ship you control in the game. Halfway through, thinking you’ve defeated the last enemy, it turns out it’s these organic flying objects are the ones really in control, and they surprise you by killing your team and their giant space ship. In an act of revenge, the pilots defy their orders to stay back and go on what looks like a suicide mission to get revenge.

After getting said revenge and destroying the final boss creature, they get caught in the blast and the last we see is their ship begin to crumble into pieces as they were not able to outrun it. Outraged, despite being saved by them, their government leaves them for dead. A tragic ending.

At this point Stand up Against myself begins to play. You feel the tragedy of the story interpreted through the lead solos, backed up by the thick mega drive rhythm guitars. As the song climaxes and reaches the looping end, the game transitions to the two pilots, man and woman, embracing. In a rare moment, the ending to a game blended in well magnificently to the ending song like two dancers dancing with perfect chemistry.

#2 The Legend Begins

The Legend of Xanadu (PC-98 ver.)

Falcom once again administers another powerhouse opening with their Xanadu series. Takahiro Tsunashima delivers one of the most powerful intros I’ve ever heard to any song in the first 20 seconds. The bass seems particularly high in this one track which leads to a somewhat too intense thumping of the drums. Half way the PC-98 synth feedback waves back and forth in a soothing matter as the lead solo transitions to a cleaner tone before building and exploding back into the power and fury of the beginning of the song.

#1 Counter Hunter Stage 1

Rockman X2 (Super Famicom)

We have moments in gaming from when we were kids where a standout song gave us an adrenaline rush as it cheered us to keep going, that the end of the fight is near. Yuki Iwai’s does this perfectly with this song. After a short guitar intro, a synth lead of excellent quality optimistically leads into a dramatic triple crash of cymbals and more guitar solos. Towards the end, the song builds up as its classic Capcom lead guitar riffs climax before repeating. Short, yet an amazing track because a song doesn’t have to be long to be good.

End of part I.

[doshmanziari]

2019 Mega Drive Explorations [4]

A continuation of parts 1, 2, and 3. Click the link below to read the full post.

The NewZealand Story (1990)

This almost instantly became one of my favorite games for the Mega Drive. It was first an arcade release (1988), and got a ton of ports with, I assume, differences between each; Wikipedia notes that the version I played “had its levels based on the prototype version of the arcade game.” What that means, qualitatively, I’m not yet sure. This is some of the weirdest level design I’ve encountered in a platformer that’s not, like, a reactionary deconstructive work (in the way that the Japanese version of Super Mario Bros. 2 is). The only other somewhat contemporary title I can compare it to is Milon’s Secret Castle (1986). Each of The NewZealand Story’s stages is a sort of maze that’s completed when you reach a fellow kiwi and release them from a cage. What really lets the layouts grow as they do is that, once you get to the second zone (of four), you need to start making use of the various flotation devices which preexist here and there or are left behind by enemies you defeat. So the level design gets to, in a kind of freeform way, flip between “normally” accessible paths and platforms, and toothy stretches demanding aerial navigation. The flotation devices are distinct from one another, too, from how you adhere to it to the speed. What was especially fun about this to me is how, following a clear-out of enemies, you might have a selection of these devices to choose from, and there aren’t really comparative downsides between them (the closest you get to that are these things that look like, uh, torpedoes, which are slow, but they’re also the one device that can’t be popped by shooting at it or touching spikes).

Even if The NewZealand Story isn’t genre-/series-deconstructive, that doesn’t mean it can’t have whimsical moments. A standout for me is illustrated in the third screenshot, where a “room” you have to get to is surrounded by a barrier, and seemingly inaccessible, until you remember that if you are standing below platforms and walkways of a certain thinness and appearance you can jump through them. The solution is to get yourself up against that vertical band and jump through the bit where it briefly horizontally redirects. Cool!! The other thing I like a lot about the level design is that it’s not strictly economical, that some of the structural arrangements seem to exist to form visual patterns more than to control your route. So you have minor casual options for where and how to move through a space. Mercifully, amazingly, bosses are few -- only three -- and they have brevity: you can get rid of the final boss (see the screenshot above) within seconds by popping his balloon. I like looking at this game, too. A couple of stages reminded me of Falcom’s Xanadu and Faxanadu in their cute, flattish, compact representation of architecture or architectural elements within a screen’s worth of space and fortressed tiling. Once you’re past the first zone, loosely themed as a zoo, it’s impossible to tell if the zones’ apertures and voids admit further views or are all mosaics and/or props. It was an unexpected and engaging ambiguity: either interpretation has strange implications. Besides a couple of jumps over and under spikes which demand an inapt exactitude, this is pretty much a perfect game for me, and I wish it had gotten a handheld rerelease on the Nintendo GBA or DS.

Arcus Odyssey (1991)

As a Wolf Team-developed game, Arcus Odyssey sits snugly beside Earnest Evans and El Viento as a whirlwind of inexplicable plot points (rendered more inexplicable, and amusing, by an amateurish localization), lopsided pacing, and just a ton of baffling game design that doesn’t really care about you. Everything is exploding and the gravitas has no narrative grounding. It is at its best hilariously joyful and at its worst insensitively prohibitive. Environments, from a network of walkways suspended thousands of feet above the earth, to a colonnaded stepped complex that recalls John Martin’s infernal painting, Pandemonium, are set at an oblique angle and are swimming with sorcerers, skeletons, cockroaches, and other creatures who unendingly come at you from out of nowhere and half of the time spit projectiles. The palettes and narrow, minuscule tilesets give everything the veneer of a PC-98 title. Regardless of the character you choose (for me, it was the pink-haired Erin who wields a whip), the best strategy is to never stop mashing the attack button. This got iffy in one stage where a numerous type of flying creature left behind a crawling string of flames on the ground upon death. The best strategy for bosses? Use an invincibility-granting item you’ve hopefully snagged from a treasure chest, stand right next to the boss, and... yeah, mash that attack button. Which is fine! This is not a game where the mechanics could’ve yielded bosses who were interesting for reasons other than their appearance.

Arcus Odyssey has two serious, debilitating issues, though. The first is that you only have room in an inventory menu for six items (five, really; one of these items is permanent), and yet I have quite literally never seen another videogame with so many treasure chests relative to its stages’ sizes. You’ll mostly be passing stuff up then because you’re at capacity. Sure, you can consume the things you have to make room, but there are at least three items which have contextually valuable uses: the potion of invincibility, the lifebar-refilling lamp of life, and the resurrecting doll of life. Stocking up on one kind to the exclusion of everything else isn’t a sustainable plan. So the “economy,” as it were, is kinda fucked. The second debilitating, perhaps eventually paralyzing, issue is that Arcus Odyssey has the design of an early Japanese PC action-RPG like Ys or Rune Worth, where you are constantly harangued by waves of enemies who non-specifically occupy the level designs and bosses who may instantly unload multiple projectile-based attacks. That sort of design, somewhat haphazard as it was, could function (with degrees of success) in the context of the RPG part of the “action-RPG” equation, since you could reliably and incrementally level up (and save!). Arcus Odyssey doles out a few upgrades here and there, but it plays out like an action game that doesn’t understand the forms it’s borrowing. As such, it’s easy -- and become easier, the further along you are -- to get yourself into situations whose demands for superhuman, verging on omniscient, performance make no sense. Real shame.

Marvel Land (1991)

Like The NewZealand Story, Marvel Land is a Mega Drive port of an arcade game released a couple of years earlier. Also like the former, it quickly became a personal console-favorite. A few prickles keep me from fully loving it -- namely, the bizarre precision you need to have when jumping on enemies to not get hit yourself (and a hit here, as per usual with arcade games before the 90s, equals death), a few too many leaps of faith, and optional doorways which can send you back to previous levels, as far as the very first -- but the diversity of creatures, stages’ arrangements and themes, power-ups, and unconventional bosses have an individual and cumulative appeal that outweighs those problematics. I think I’m obligated here to say that I will almost automatically like any videogame that has a candy-themed environment, and Marvel Land has one of those, complete with waddling ice cream cones, gingerbread houses, and a maze built of cracker-cookies. The two main and most interesting power-ups are wings which temporarily give you a much higher jump and the ability to fly, and a string of self-duplicates which can be whipped around to hit enemies, collect items for score, and latch onto targets to swing from them. A later level surprised me when it both expected me to use the wings to progress and to be mindful about the height of my jumps so as to not skewer myself on spikes., denying the expectation that such a liberty would dissolve hard designs.

Bosses deserve a special mention because, god, by now I just hate bosses, they ruin so many of these games, and Marvel Land’s are designed as “minigames” -- a game of rock-paper-scissors, selecting an illustration in a grid that matches an example below, or Whac-a-mole (against a mole). It’s decent, clever, and properly playful. Despite this, the game is still compelled to have a “real” boss fight at the very end (were the developers anxious?), and I could’ve done without that; but, it was straightforward enough. The aforementioned bestiary, if you want to call it that, is wonderful and funny and can hold its own against any of the Kirby games’ rosters. You can see, for example, in the last screenshot that a feisty mallard duck who beckons at you with an index feather-finger is named COMEON. Other members include HEAVY, a chubby pink snake, and GIANTBURGER, a sentient burger. As a closing comment, I’ll say that it’s striking and odd how many videogames, from Japan, no less, were about restoring the rule of a Eurocentric fairytale monarchy. Hell, that’s what two of Nintendo’s most popular extant series are about (Super Mario Bros. and The Legend of Zelda). Why is this an international go-to for a premise? And how could anyone care about it? In some cases I think it’s fair to guess that the creator(s) did not care and simply went with a cultural trope that was within grabbing range; but the question remains of why those tropes are within grabbing range. We already know why these narratives are also fiercely heteronormative (even The NewZealand Story has to make the last kiwi you rescue be a girl -- wow, thank god!), but this prevalent medievalism that has an uncritical nostalgia for monarchy kinda mystifies me.

[pixelgrotto]

The horrific Resident Evil playthrough, finale

Approximately one year ago I began the somewhat mad quest to shove as much Resident Evil into my brain as quickly as possible. I blazed through thirteen games, a handful of spin-offs, and as much supplementary material I could get my hands on. I chronicled my thoughts each step of the way via posts here, on Twitter and in a massive ResetERA thread where a lot of good people gave me advice on how to proceed with the series. Not all of the stuff I experienced was great (those Paul W.S. Anderson movies come to mind), and sometimes this massive undertaking felt like work, but now that I’ve come to the end, I can say that it was worth it, because it’s quite the feeling to bring yourself from having zero knowledge of something to morphing into a Wiki-reading fiend in just a year. At this time in 2018, I had only the barest notion of what this series was about and who characters like Jill Valentine or Leon Kennedy were. Now, I could probably write a pretty heated Twitter thread about how Jill needs to be brought back to the forefront of the series not just with a remake of Resident Evil 3, but with an entirely new game, because she’s been sidelined for years despite being the central figure in promotional material like the fancy artwork that I’ve posted above! Ahem. 

My initial desire to become more familiar with Resident Evil has been part of a larger push in recent years to consume more horror media, mostly because as I get older I find myself increasingly attracted to eerie stories that I was too much of a weenie to dive into when I was younger. Some of it probably has to do with the fact that as an adult I now find stuff like health concerns, existential dread and paying taxes to be more horrifying than things that go bump in the night, but part of it is also because that even as a scaredy cat kid, I was always kinda intrigued by macabre stuff like Resident Evil, even if I couldn’t bring myself to play through the games. 

Now that I’ve plowed through the franchise, I wish I could go back and whisper to my younger self that aside from the first game, RE7 and perhaps bits and pieces of both versions of RE2...Resident Evil isn’t all that frightening. The series does have its jump scares and gore, but it quickly crosses genres into the realm of action, and even in its more tense entries, Resident Evil stays dripping with a fine dollop of cheese, either through B-movie dialogue or moments when the main characters wink at the camera and suddenly take a zombie to suplex city. Action, comedy and horror are unusual but frequent bedfellows, I’ve learned, and with RE embodying all three of these genres, translating them to the realm of electronic entertainment via a format emphasizing survival, it’s only appropriate that this is the franchise that has come to serve as the face of spooky thrills in the video game world.

Resident Evil’s also in a very good place at this moment in time. RE2Make has gotten well-deserved praise from just about everyone who’s played it, and after a moment where it looked like Capcom was going to tilt the mattress and upset the delicately placed bedfellows - emphasizing action and over-the-top comedy more than horror - now it appears that the devs have gotten their heads straight and maintained the balance once more. There’s still room for improvement and careful experimentation though. As the series forges ahead into the 2020s, I hope that Capcom doesn’t get drunk off of RE2Make’s success, milking its formula to exhaustion. I want at least another mainline game to utilize the first-person perspective of Resident Evil 7, which worked better than I ever would’ve imagined, and I’d also like to see the Revelations sub-series, which was supposed to focus on stories that took place in between the main games, continue - in spirit if not in name. (A Revelations 3 or similar spin-off with fixed camera angles - perhaps in a mid-tier budget point ‘n click style a la Detention - would be something that I’d love, though Capcom probably will never go in that direction.) Finally, I’d like Resident Evil to remember that it had fabulous female representation in its earlier entries. The later titles have mostly had male protagonists front and center, which directly reinforces the trope that it’s okay for survival horror games to star the “must be protected” ladies, but anything action-orientated should star dudes so that male players can have their power fantasy trip. This can easily be fixed by doing what I said in the first paragraph - bring the queen Jill Valentine back. 

Finally, because these sorts of franchise reflections are never complete without a good ol’ fashioned list... Here’s how I’d rank the mainline games, complete with a snappy sentence or two for each.

Resident Evil REmake - Because if I had to recommend just ONE game for someone to get a decent idea of this series’ mechanics and themes, it would be this one.

Resident Evil 4 - It’s survival action instead of survival horror, but when the gameplay’s this good, can you really complain?

Resident Evil 2 - Over 20 years old and still a thrilling experience. The epitome of the fixed camera angle games.

Resident Evil 7 - I was afraid that the change to a first-person perspective would alienate me, but I beat this game in two days and couldn’t put it down.

Resident Evil RE2make - Almost as good as the original, and a great sign of the franchise’s future. 

Resident Evil Revelations 2 - Worth playing for the return of Barry Burton and the moving story alone, which is basically about fathers and daughters, loss and acceptance.

Resident Evil 1 - The OG that started it all. A little clunky to play in this day and age, but the magic’s still there. 

Resident Evil 6 - The equivalent of an overstuffed exploding cake, RE6 is excessive as hell and sometimes infuriating...but one thing you could never call it is boring.

Resident Evil 5 - A solid series entry about Chris Redfield punching boulders in Africa, this one’s excellent if you play it co-op. Solo, a little less excellent.

Resident Evil Zero - RE probably didn’t need this prequel showing what Rebecca Chambers was doing on the night before she got stuck in Spencer Mansion, but good chemistry between the main characters makes it worth experiencing.

Resident Evil 3: Nemesis - A lot of folks love this one, but IMO it feels less noteworthy than RE2 and RE1, probably because it was originally designed as a spin-off. I rank it low but am eager to see how a RE3make could boost it. 

Resident Evil Revelations - Jill Valentine’s in a wetsuit that clings to her booty this whole game and she hangs out with a partner who looks like Russell Crowe. Aside from that, Revelations is fine but kinda forgettable.

Resident Evil: Code Veronica - The only RE that truly annoyed me with backtracking and some cheap bosses, Code Veronica is technically still an okay game. But Steve Burnside is a garbage character. 

Thus, we bring the horrific, 2018-2019 Pixel Grotto Resident Evil playthrough to a gentle finish. *Cue relaxing save room theme here.* It’s been fun, ladies and gents. I need to rest up a bit and try some other games that aren’t survival horror for a while. But I like the idea of doing more series playthroughs in the future...

And I think Silent Hill might be a good choice for the next one. 

The header artwork is a textless version of the radical Biohazard 20th Anniversary poster that Capcom put out in 2016. 

[adlaspadla]

Book Cover Design Challenge

About

In episode 8 of the Young Guns 2, Chris issues a book cover design assignment for them to tackle to help them develop their design portfolio. Our Design Team played along and above you can see my outputs.

‍Here are the parameters

Take 3 classic fiction books

Redesign covers

Cohesive set (theme, color, style, etc…)

Maximum 4 colors

Judging criteria

Concept (surprise) A-ha moment

Convey the main theme

Shelf presence (draw the viewer in)

Cohesiveness

The backstory about my design concept

Since the moment Radovan (my boss) presented this design challenge to our Design Team, I've been thinking about it... I've made a selection of books I know I've read or seen filmed. I then re-watched those films to refresh my memory on the plots.

My next step was to do some research on book covers in general and the books I chose specifically. I discovered literary infographics where all of the world-famous books are described in detail. This is fantastic for students, and I wish it had existed when I was in school. I came across a lot of really great designs and approaches, which made me wonder if I could come up with something new and better.

Then I started sketching in black and white, as I was instructed in the UX course on website wireframes... in order to avoid being influenced by colors (which create emotions and can be misleading at this stage).

I experimented with various ways to connect the stories, what they've got in common. If there are any major themes in the story, such as a split personality or the loss of one's home, female or male characters… and so on…

And this is my final selection and designs:

The Hitchhikers’ Guide to the Galaxy

1984 (nineteen eighty-four)

Fight Club

I started with the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy... From the beginning, I experimented with the silhouette idea, trying to involve the thumb, galaxy, whale... There are plenty of fantastic book covers out there for this title. Because of the color limitations of this assignment, it was much easier to just go with the simplest idea it came to my mind.

For the fight club book cover, I was struggling with the split personality, as well as the main character's insomnia and his changing day/night duality... Then I hit the outline instead of the fill of the silhouette by accident, and tadaaa, I got it. The two signs above the head are simply the anger symbol known from comics… The skyscrapers in the background are just the ones that will explode thanks to the terrorist group that formed in the underground fight clubs.

Nineteen eighty-four is the last... There are also a lot of awesome book covers for this book, and I was really worried about what I'd come up with... Everyone is just playing with the eye and the dark theme. I started playing with the silhouette, which is the main connecting element of all of my book covers and then I saw my eureka – Big brother shadow – simple, minimal, obvious. I love it.

My final thoughts

This challenge is enlightening, especially because of the limitations. You just can't go too crazy with your design. Less is more!

[movienotesbyzawmer]

October 20: Friday the 13th Part 2

(previous notes: Friday the 13th)

Welcome to night two of this solemn duty wherein I get through the first eight Friday the 13th movies. I have embarked upon this task so that I may reflect on and honor the cinematic craftsmanship on display in this proud collection of cheap slasher movies. Or I just thought it would be a fun way to kill time.

I first saw this on cable TV, probably when it first became available; I'm sure I watched it at least as many times as I watched the first Friday the 13th. I remember the final sequence pretty well, but I don't actually remember much else. But I will say this… as a kid who was becoming increasingly curious about movies, there was an appeal to these gory movies that represents something we haven't had in this century. I'm talking about "how did they do that" wonder. Modern audiences don't have to ask that question because we all know that the answer is "CGI". In the early 80s, these movies did challenge me to figure out how certain things were done. Okay, enough about that, let us observe Friday the 13th Part 2 in its unnatural habitat… my TV in 2020.

First shot seems to have ambition, we just see some people's feet walking through puddles at night. Kinda nicely shot, maybe with a Steadicam. They clearly had more money. Also, looks like a very nice Blu-ray transfer.

But nothing really happens before we switch to the bedroom of the main girl from the last movie, nightmaring her memories from the first one; an opaque effort to catch us up on The Story So Far. They spend several minutes here showing us the whole end of the last movie. Like, almost all of the first six minutes of this movie is just the end of the last movie intercut with her tossing and turning in bed.

Some more opaque exposition where she wakes up from her nightmare and answers a phone all from her mom, and is all "I've told you this before, I need to be alone here to try to put my life back together".

So now they're just showing her alone in her cute vintage house, having established that, uh-oh, she's ALONE, and they're just filming it in a scary way, and she's acting scared, but what's she even scared of, it's like she's watching the footage so that's why she's scared.

Ope! She was right to be scared because look how killed she got! That wasn't very scary or gory. It climaxes with the triumphant return of the title logo thing, but this time it EXPLODES and changes to a PART 2. *polite applause*

0:14:25 - Crazy old dude sighting! Must be we're in that same little town that's kind of near the camp. He sees two youngniks and tells them "you're all doomed!" His favorite saying, back for an encore. Oh how droll.

Okay, so we've got some new teenagers, and two of them appear to be meeting up with a third one who lives in this little town. But are they counselors? They said something about going to the camp. But this dude is a local. Whatever.

Oh, here we go with the more prurient approach! A shapely lady is hiking by herself and a really plumb closeup of her butt turns into a cadence about a creepy guy who "flirtatiously" shoots a pebble at said derriere with a slingshot. It seems like we're going to be looking at both of them as sexy people as the movie progresses, and that will be important to the vision of this storytelling team.

Okay, this dumb scene just happened where the girl in the convertible can't start her car. Handsome Boss Man gives her some cocky advice and opens the hood to take a look. But exhaust gets him in the face ever so comically, and the girl acts like she did it all on purpose.

A little more setup happens in the form of a campfire ghost story that is also the plot of the first movie. But he says that was five years ago, probably so that it can make sense that Jason, who will soon be introduced as the new full-time villain for the remainder of the series, isn't a kid any more.

I should mention that the last bunch of scenes have been generously perforated with AND SOMEONE WAS WATCHING THEM moments. Handsome Boss Man is now kissing the girl who keeps humiliating him. She can really do better. But as they are making out, we see that there is a stalker outside. It's the crazy old man! Was it him all along? Why does he even care, this isn't even the same camp. I guess we'll never get to the bottom of that because he GETS KILLED it is a BARBED WIRE STRANGULATION MURDER AGAINST A TREE. The scares in this movie so far are just kind of quick and cheap.

Almost every scene has a CH CH CH CH HA HA HA HA moment to tell us they are being watched. There is too much of it.

So they come up with the idea to fake us out by having the mischievous couple sneak across the lake to check out Camp Crystal Lake, but they're being watched… by the sheriff! They're in trouble but they're okay. But now we're staying on the sheriff all by himself, and he chases a mysterious figure into the woods. He sees something in a shed before getting Jason'd! I remember what he sees. It's a good idea to set that up, but they could have made a bigger thing of it or made it more interesting.

0:46:10 - The girl with the importantly curvy caboose has decided to go for a walk all by herself at night, partly because her dog is missing (we have already seen its mangled corpse though), but also partly because slasher movie. Also for that reason she strips and goes skinny dipping and this time it is clear that they're very deliberate about showing us some sexiness...

…OMG they are even using the Jaws theme! Seriously! They straight up stole the two-note Jaws theme as a tribute to that movie's skinny dipping scene! Not cool dude.

Slingshot dude stepped in a ground-noose trap, and was hanging upside down waiting for Caboose to come back & cut him down, but he ends up an easy kill for Jason, who slices his throat open with a machete. THE machete??? It's the gushiest death so far, but it is still just a quick scare. Could have been more interesting; instead it just counts on us to have considered what a bummer it would be to hanging upside down like that when someone is fixin' to machete you.

Okay, so the people that went into town include the girl who I think survives at the end, and she has this monologue about how maybe you gotta look at this whole Jason situation differently, you know with a little bit of empathy. It doesn't sound like anything anyone would actually say.

A word about the handicapped character. There is a handicapped character! One of the guys is in a wheelchair and he is actually being treated the same as everyone, all egalitarian like. A cute girl totally likes him. I don't recall it being a significant plot point that he’s in a wheelchair - maybe the movie will prove me wrong, but it actually seems like admirable inclusiveness. Do I dare hope that they actually cast a disabled actor?

There was just a scene where Cute Girl went out to her car to get something, and they shot it as if she was MAYBE being watched. But then it turns out she wasn't. They did that once before in the first sequence. I would never do that to you.

But then Wheelchair Guy, all by himself on the porch waiting for Cute Girl to return, gets macheted in the face, and he rolls down some stairs dramatically. I guess maybe that image is why they had that character be in a wheelchair? There was this stylish zoom visual thing that gave it some intensity. But it also gave it some obnoxiousness.

Then a sudden double murder! The couple that was getting busy was shish-kabab'd in bed.

Cute Girl is now the only one left alive that didn't go to town. She goes upstairs and finds Jason, who is wearing a hood, jumping out at her in the bed! He had hid under the covers where he’d speared the couple, so that he could be a terrifying surprise for all of us! He brandishes a knife and we linger on Cute Girl's terror for a bit longer than we've done before in this movie; the camera stays on her face as she is stabbed out of view, and it's more intense.

The main girl and Handsome Boss Man get back and quickly notice that problems are afoot. Soon enough, Jason is attacking them. This movie has Jason in a hood always, I guess. Like a burlap sack with a hole in it for an eye. He's just a guy in a hood that is on their case. This is pre-hockey-mask Jason.

1:10:07 - Jason has a pitchfork now. We had a good scare when she was watching both a door and a window, not sure which way he was going to come from. It was the window! But she made it to a car, and he followed… but where did he go? Where did he go. PITCHFORK THROUGH THE CONVERTIBLE ROOF that's where. Missed her though.

Seems like we're approaching the climax of the movie. She's the last one alive. Chase chase chase, Full moon! Chase chase! Cabin in woods… suspenseful cabin hiding!

1:15:15  - The unsustainable cabin-hide situation ends with her finding a chainsaw, starting it up with a deftness that she can never muster with the convertible, and apparently kind of touching him with it! There's no blood; he just kind of collapses, and she walks away. Hm.

Very soon, she's at the cabin where the Sheriff got killed and she finds the room he'd seen. It's a Mom-head shrine room with some new bodies adorning the base. Caboose's body still looks hot, way hotter than the other corpses. The girl quickly gets the brilliant idea to put on Mom's sweater and pretend she's Mom. The actress who plays Mom even makes an appearance in a dreamy visual! I remember all this. It doesn't work for long though because Jason sees the actual Mom-head. But Handsome Boss Man shows up to fight him some more, giving the girl time to machete him in the shoulder. A climactic machete-shouldering.

But like the first movie, we have a shocking denouement. The couple holes up in a nearby cabin, steeling themselves because of a sound outside that might be Jason, maybe a machete wound to the shoulder wasn’t so climactic after all… but just it's the missing dog that apparently wasn't the same dead dog we saw before! But also Jason launches through a window and does mysterious dramatic things. The only other information we get before the credits roll is that the girl is taken away on a stretcher and is noting aloud that she doesn't know where Handsome Boss Man is. Also, the Mom-head is still where it was. It is a very, very weak ending. Maybe they were in a hurry; this sequel was released less than a year after the first one, and there's no way they expected the first one to be a huge hit.

So that is the end of Friday the 13th Part 2! It seems like they weren't inspired to do much other than have a large number of bloody murders, and have the teenagers be hornier and more attractive. I get why I didn't remember much of it other than that Mom scene; it mostly is not memorable.

Some follow-up info - I have now learned that Wheelchair Guy was not played by an actual disabled actor. But the actor did die of AIDS in the 90s, so there's that.

(next: Friday the 13th Part 3)

[deebormzone]

Klingdom Harps 3: Who’s the (Secret) Boss?

Sorry I haven’t written much lately. I recently got the standard English major’s retail job, which sucks away most of my energy. I gotta toughen up so I can produce more insightful content, like this:

I like Kingdom Hearts a lot because it lets me jump and fight and also my friend Jafar is there.

The big KH news, which is a couple months old by now, is that Kingdom Hearts 3 finally has a vaguely estimated release window: 2018. Now I can worry less about whether it will really come out, and more about how much of it will be DLC.

Besides DLC, series creator Nomura has also spoken about the now-traditional secret boss battle. In other Kingdom Hearts titles, there are one or more optional fights, designed to be the most difficult encounters in the game. They’re usually Sephiroth.

In terms of the secret boss, we can’t say anything at this time, but in terms of Sephiroth specifically, my development team are worried that we’ve had him come back so many times so they’re maybe worried it might be redundant at this point. We’re still deliberating on it.

I'm with the development team here. There’s room for more than just Sephy. But assuming they do put a secret boss in KH3 (and since the other big KH games have had secret bosses, excluding one from the biggest Hearts yet would be pretty shameful), who could compete with everyone’s favorite silver-haired genetic abomination?

There are actually a few good options. Here are some dudes I’d like to face in Kingdom Hearts 3 as an uberboss, loosely arranged from least cool to most cool. The only real requirement is that they be either Square Enix or Disney characters.

Crystal Enthusiast: Culex

Culex is a secret boss already! He’s from Super Mario RPG, but designed to look and act like a Final Fantasy boss. It’s implied that he crossed over from the Final Fantasy series to look for strong opponents. I don’t know why he would go looking in the Mushroom Kingdom, but I guess it worked out for him.

With his dimension-hopping and challenge-seeking, Culex would be a good fit for Kingdom Hearts secret boss. This is basically a pipe dream, though. Since he’s actually from a Mario game, it’s pretty unlikely he’d be allowed in. It may be his fate to languish in Mario Land for all eternity...

Principal Samurai: Master Eraqus

Eraqus was a major character in the Kingdom Hearts prequel, Birth by Sleep. He used to teach the protagonists how to use their Keyblades properly. Most of his lessons seem to involve hitting things, but that does tend to build experience in every game in the whole series. Go with what works, I guess.

Of course, he had an unfortunate accident, but that doesn’t prevent him from being a boss. Just call him “Lingering Spirit” or whatever. He’s probably the most likely person on this list to actually appear as a superboss, if he doesn’t show up in Kingdom Hearts 3 in some other form.

But despite being fairly important, his fighting style is sort of basic. He’s got a couple of big moves, but not much else. And even though I usually struggle against him in Birth by Sleep, he’s not that tough canonically. There may be better options.

Evillest Clown: Kefka

Ah, Kefka. He’s the boss of Final Fantasy 6, the clown who usually takes second place on the Final Fantasy villain lists... and sometimes first. This makes him a natural choice for Square Enix superboss if Sephiroth isn’t around.

I’m always down to clown. Kefka’s a manic, psychotic sociopath, which is often more fun to play with than your usual uptight or brooding villain. His fighting style in Dissidia, the Final Fantasy fighting game, is to annoy his enemy to death. Notable achievements of his include blowing up the world and becoming God, making him significantly more successful than your average antagonist. No worries about an underpowered foe here, though I’d rather fight his clown form than his purple angel form.

Somehow, though, I don’t see him getting in. Final Fantasy 6 has had almost no representation in Kingdom Hearts thus far. Is that game even still popular?

That, and the wacky clown personality doesn’t go over well with everyone. It might not fit the “epic boss battle” they’re planning. Shame.

Fallen Mascot: Oswald

I always love the Disney-based antagonists, but it’s hard to pick a definitive one. Maleficent usually takes the lead in villain meetups, but she’s not secret enough to be a secret boss. Is there anyone good left from the House of Mouse, besides maybe Walt himself?

There are plenty of great Disney villains who haven’t shown up yet. Dr. Facilier would fit right in with his control of dark magic. Yzma’s alchemy and sorcery could make for an excellent boss battle. Madam Mim’s shapeshifting could be an intense multi-stage fight. Turbo would jump at the chance to dominate another video game. Hell, they should put Cruella de Vil in the game just because.

The trouble with all of these is that they’re all single-world threats. They don’t hit hard enough to match up to, you know, Sephiroth.

There’s another option, though. Oswald the Lucky Rabbit was Walt Disney’s first animated character, but he took a backseat to now-international-icon Mickey Mouse. Sometimes, though, he reemerges - most recently as a dark version of Mickey in the Epic Mickey series.

In Kingdom Hearts, Mickey is (hilariously) a messiah-like hero of light, so Oswald could conceivably be a reverse version. A cartoony Keyblade wielder with dark versions of Mickey’s god-powers. He’s got the prestige and the lore. Why not take him on?

Of course, the same issue that applies to Kefka affects Oswald: he’s innately goofy, which might damage the brooding, trenchcoat image of a secret ultimate boss. Of course, what with Gruff Mickey as he appears in Kingdom Hearts, maybe they’d make Oswald edgy enough to fit. Somehow.

Numberwang: Sho Minamimoto

Here’s one of Nomura’s creations who could use some more time in the spotlight. Minamimoto is a villain in The World Ends With You, a Reaper who hounds the characters. He’s known for making big piles of garbage and shouting mathematical functions at people (“Sine, cosine, tangent!”). Basically, a flawless character.

The protagonists from his game appeared in the most recent Kingdom Hearts as major players, so there’s some small precedent. Also, he turns into a demigod or something by the end of the game, so he’s probably strong enough.

There are a couple of other characters from The World Ends With You who could work here. First is Joshua, but he’s been in Kingdom Hearts already. Next is the actual TWEWY antagonist, but he’s kind of forgettable. There’s also a secret boss in TWEWY who could show up, but he’s only intimidating because you spent the whole game talking to him and assuming his unimportance.

No, the reason I went straight for Sho is because he’s a certified memer. Don’t underestimate that meme magic. I don’t remember much about the main bosses of TWEWY, but I absolutely remember Shouting Math Guy, and being memorable is what counts in a super-secret ultimate boss fight.

Sadly, this is just grasping at straws. In the end, Minamimoto is a little guy from a little game - on a Nintendo console, even. But you know what they say: a dream is a wish your heart makes.

Burn Victim: Darth Vader

Yeah, I went there. Star Wars is Disney now, and all bets are off. Up is down, black is white, the Jedi are evil.

I’ve seen a lot of comments online about how terrible it would be if Star Wars or Marvel got into Kingdom Hearts, but I just can’t understand them. The whole point of this franchise, besides making big buckets of money, is to rampage across a huge range of wacky environments. Adding Star Wars would be super wacky AND good for more money buckets, so they should do it the moment they get the chance. It’s as simple as that.

Let me address Marvel Comics for a moment. There are a number of villains from that universe who could appear in Kingdom Hearts as superbosses, but they don’t appeal to me very much. A comics expert probably has better opinions than I do, but the bad dudes powerful enough to show up seem kind of dull to me, and the interesting ones are too weak.

Planet-eating Galactus would be a good fit for Kingdom Hearts, but what does the big guy even do? Generic lasers and large hand slap? Doctor Doom is a classic, but when he fights mano a mano it ends up being tiny guns and foot dive. M.O.D.O.K.? A true role model and friend to all, but too weak. Magneto is the best cross between power and panache I can think of from Marvel, but beating up a Holocaust survivor probably crosses a few too many lines, even for Kingdom Hearts.

Despite my complaints, I’d be okay with just about anything from Marvel or Star Wars in the Kingdom of Heart. The wackier, the better, I always say. Still, my dreams of wackiness will likely go unfulfilled. The odds of getting any of that stuff in is pretty low at the moment. But what if there’s just enough influence to take just one piece of Star Wars into Kingdom Hearts? One character, for one fight, harder than any other?

Right off the bat, Vader commands more respect than Sephiroth. A lot more. Here’s a character everyone knows, one of the most infamous villains of all time. He fits the role of ultimate boss extremely well. He’s proficient in one-on-one combat, he’s filled with mystic powers, his saber fighting could lead to great Keyblade clashes, and he generally fits the light vs. darkness themes of Kingdom Hearts.

Beyond the Lucasfilm fees, though, there’s one other issue. His live-action-movie fighting style might not translate well to Kingdom Hearts’ hopping-around-and-exploding-into-beams-of-light fighting style. The game might actually be too goofy for Lord Vader. Maybe not, seeing as how Keyblade Dude Sora has faced off against live-action people before (Pirates of the Carribean and Tron), but the incongruity might be too much for the lawyers, if not the players.

There’s just one name left on my wishlist.

No, Darth Vader isn’t final enough to take the top spot. He’s a lousy dad.

My most wanted superboss candidate can only be THE #1 dad of all time.

The Best: Jecht

Jecht is like if sports became a human being. All he does is play ball, go on adventures, and insult his son. He’s perfect.

He stands alongside Sephiroth and Kefka as the more-or-less final boss of Final Fantasy X. There’s already a lot of X representation in Kingdom Hearts - Tidas is in, Wakka is in, Auron is in, YuRiPa is in. Adding the big man himself wouldn’t be much of a stretch. Plus, Jecht’s natural habitat is the stadium, which is where secret optional bosses are often fought.

This is the guy I want to fight as the secret boss. He’s a being of near-godlike power, and is also a dumb asshole who throws a ball at your head while calling you a wimp. He’s got the strength, and the pedigree as the boss of one of the most beloved Final Fantasies. No licencing issues, no nothing. His favorite prey is lame kids, and that’s basically main character Sora in a nutshell.

Best of all, though, is his fight song “Otherworld”, which (if you for some reason prefer not to hear its glory) is just a guy screaming over guitars. It tries so hard, it’s unbearably stupid. But then it tries even harder and loops back around to being really funny, and then loops some more until it’s actually a nice jam.

That closes out my list of potential secret bosses for Kingdom Hearts 3, but there are plenty of options I didn’t cover. In the end, I’ll be happy with any fight that’s fun and has a lot of exploding light particles. With luck, we might even get multiple secret bosses! It’s happened before.

Deeborm signing off for now. Here’s hoping Kingdom Hearts 3 will be worth the wait.

... but it will probably just be Sephiroth again.

[disneydreamlights]

So uh, about the exact placement of Strelitzia's scars, let's just say that her canon outfit leaves them exposed, which is basically the in-universe explanation for her changing her outfit (I already told you the out of universe reason). Her first action upon being restored would be to hug Lauriam and cry out of sheer joy at being alive. Lauriam would, in order to keep Strelitzia on his side, hide his disappointment at no longer having two Keyblades to wield.

That’s actually a good explanation for an outfit change though post KH3. Be a completely different outfit I think by that point, and now I could actually see them doing it.

Okay so, the more I think about it, the more trouble I have actually deciding where exactly I want Strelitzia's scars to be. I mean, I know the general area, one on her chest, one on her back, but I honestly can't decide how high on her chest/back the scars would be, which would affect how visible they'd be when she's wearing her sundress. I guess it depends on the angle at which she was stabbed... All I know is that the heart piercing imagery/symbolism would still be there.

Right over the heart. You want direct symbolism, you got right over the heart.

So yeah, Strelitzia's mind is basically shattered and spread thin across the entire Unchained State following her demise, with her barely clinging to consciousness and constantly trying to find some sort of focal point to pull herself together. She becomes more aware when Lauriam, Ven, and the Player ascend. She chooses Lauriam because the Player wouldn't recognize her and she thinks Ventus hates her due to how she used to get on his nerves. He would have been more than happy to help her. 

So, I'm not sure if Strelitzia would've chosen differently if she had known Ven didn't hate her or note. I mean, since she told Lauriam that she was a Union Leader, I can see her assuming that Lauriam would be able to tell that something was up if he didn't see her there (again, she'd refuse to believe that her friend would even DREAM of hurting her). On the other, I'm not sure if she'd want to burden Ven with the responsibility of finding and exposing the traitor.

She should’ve chosen Ven honestly that would be a great universe in general in which Ven and Strelitzia are sharing the same heart. Definitely make them more siblings than ship but idrc it’d make for adorable scenes. And prevent Strelitzia from being too mislead. 

I think she’d still choose Lauriam though, for the following reasons:

Lauriam is her best friend in this AU. He knows her best friend and she trusts him.

If anybody’s going to help her catch her murderer, she’d assume it’d be him.

She’d want to cooperate with somebody she knows Ava did not give the book She’d have no idea if Ven had one or not, she knew Lauriam did not.

Okay so Strelitzia probably wouldn't admit her crush to the Player for fear of looking creepy/making things awkward between them, while the Player would have learned about her crush during their battle with Lauriam but wouldn't bring it up to her because they don't want to make her uncomfortable. Not quite a "can't spit it out" situation since the Player may or may not reciprocate her feelings, but it would likely end in a "you can read into their relationship however you want" situation.

I’d actually have it more of a “I’m respecting your boundaries thing” since she never told them. Strelitzia would have to bring up the crush on her own, and I think eventually she would. Probably because of Ven being an idiot. XD

Like with before, rest under the read more. (This is basically Strelitzia dump.)

Okay so, after watching the Secret Ending on Destiny Islands in the MMO, you'd be taken to the "Battle Report" Screen, which would depict Strelitzia and the Player setting on the dock at the Play Island, your Pet Spirit sitting in Strelitzia's lap, Chirithy might be sitting in the Player's, with the final Union Rankings being displayed next to the two of them. Returning to Destiny Islands would take you straight to the Battle Report.

...This image honestly sounds adorable. Sounds like it locks you out of viewing the DI scene though in game in the future though.

Strelitzia's decoys wouldn't have revenge values, so there'd be nothing to stop you from stun-locking them. Additionally, all of her decoys would take damage whenever Strelitzia herself does, but Strelitzia has Revenge Values, and all of Strelitzia's doppelgangers would aide Strelitzia in her counterattack when you set it off. During the battle with her in Radiant Garden, Lauriam would automatically destroy her decoys whenever it's his turn.

Lauriam sounds like he would make the battle a little easier just by existing thank fuck.

The thinking or talking about Lauriam wouldn't trigger Strelitzia's PTSD, but it would be enough to make her fall quiet or, depending on on her mood, provoke feelings of extreme anger or sadness, sometimes both. A part of her would always miss the Lauriam she could call a friend.

I don’t think having her truly hate Lauriam would ever be fair. She was in his heart for a while and I think on some level she’d understand he did love her.

I think she’d be mad at him, and hurt, and she’d never forgive him, but she wouldn’t hate him. 

I do think thinking about him in the context of what happened though would set her off.

So, KH3 would actually have DLC titled "Spectral X[chi]" which is basically about how Strelitzia became the way she is when Sora meets her for the first time in Corona Kingdom. The tutorial would be Strelitzia looking for the Player, with her Chirithy serving as a guide. The first "real" level after her death would have you exploring the Keyblade Graveyard, chasing phantoms until she meets Lauriam, where she'd be absorbed into his heart, and fight Sora in a symbolic Nightmare Sequence.

After the nightmare sequence, we'd get a cutscene of Strelitzia, Lauriam, and Larxene's Somebody waking up in the woods outside Beast's Castle. From here, Lauriam and, let's call her "Arlene" would be Strelitzia's Party Members. The Beast's Castle arc is parallel to DDD, with our flower trio raiding the Castle and getting into a scuffle with the not yet human Beast before Belle convinces them to leave. Well, she convinces Strelitzia to leave and her "friends" so she'll think she can trust them.

I have no idea how the rest of the DLC would go after that, save that it would end before Strelitzia challenges Sora in Corona Kingdom. Also that Lauriam would have a Link where Divine Rose transforms into a Scythe while he and Strelitzia show off some good old fashioned Teamwork, while Arlene's Link would involve the two using electrically charged attacks somehow. A Corridor of Darkness would be the hub all the other worlds are visited from.

Actually, scratch that, Sora would be the final boss of the Strelitzia DLC. He'd have help from Donald, Goofy, "Flynn", and Rapunzel. You can defeat Sora's party members, but true to the main story, they'd revive eventually. Depleting half of Sora's HP would cause him to activate "Second Form". Bringing him down to one bar of HP would activate the final cutscene of Strelitzia's story. The post credits scene would be Strelitzia arriving in Radiant Garden.

I’m for this if for no other reason than Arlene/Lauriam/Strelitzia all travelling together. I’m a little confused as to how it takes place parallel to 3D if Beast isn’t human since it’s implied that he becomes human a little after KH2. I guess if this takes place during the Realm of Sleep it really doesn’t matter, but still.

So, I imagine that, either during Spectral X or after KH3, Strelitzia would get a haircut, partially to symbolize her new life. I haven't thought much more about it beyond that Strelitzia would either lose or shorten those pig-tails. I imagine that, even if she'd always have a somewhat "cute" look (kinda like Namine and Kairi), Strelitzia herself would visibly look less innocent. Her KH3 outfit would be designed to look ghostly, for example.

Complete hair cut. Like chop off all the hair up to her shoulders, maybe make her go Xion or KH1 Kairi short but like just have her get rid of it all after KH3. She wants to be removed from all that she went through and a change like this is a part of her coping methods.

Oh, I just thought of something! You know that necklace Strelitzia wears? What if, in the first game to feature the two of them after the MMO closes, Strelitzia were to give the Player her necklace in a scene that parallels Kairi giving Sora her lucky charm? And it even acts as the Keychain for an angel-themed Keyblade? You know, just something that serves as a heartwarming alternative to "Failed Rescue" (which Sora would receive after Strelitzia is Norted in KH3).

Player/Strelitzia and SoKai parallels I am ALL for that shit. I would love this scene, Player taking something of Strelitzia’s and using it to have her be awesome, it’d be great. owo

I just realized something mildly amusing about the MMO AU. Strelitzia, dresses in white, acts cute, looks like a cinnamon role, would listen to the Shadow the Hedgehog soundtrack unironically, and manages to be that edgy anti-hero most anime seems to have while still looking adorable. Brain/Minerva, dresses in black, is a total rebel, DEFY THE SYSTEM, totally once missed his bus because he was helping an old lady cross the street and is basically a cinnamon roll trying to edgelord.

Strelitzia loves edgelords and is forced into an edgelord position because her story forces her to in this AU but is still a pure cinnamon roll despite how dark her story gets.

Blaine is a cinnamon roll who tries his hardest to not embrace his cinnamon rollness.

In an AU where the two here of this Blaine is just like “Strelitzia next time save some angst for me I wanna be an edgy fuck.”

“I’m supposed to be edgy?”

Strelitzia would feel homesick after her restoration. This would be difficult to take care of, seeing as her hometown was vaporized by an exploding universe thousands of years before the events of KH3. Fortunately, there happens to be a Memory Witch and a very determined family who want nothing more than to make her feel safe and happy, and so her room in the Land of Departure would undergo a makeover to be more like her room from Daybreak Town. Cue tears of joy from Strelitzia.

Namine and Strelitzia interacting would honestly be the best thing this MMO AU could produce. It’d honestly be so sweet of Namine to try to help her like that and she’d probably do other things to help Strelitzia remember her home.

So, you know how the specter's first form vaguely resembles a woman in a white cloak? Strelitzia would dress kinda like that in KH3, with a white coat over her dress, and either leggings or tights under that dress, and would most definitely try to come across as ominous and threatening to Sora, which would be kinda funny at first because she's 12 and therefor smaller than him but kinda sad when you realize it's to mask her fear of her perceived murderer.

The white coat is actually more of a cloak than the black coat the organization wears. As such, it would look more like traditional depictions of red-riding hood's, well, hood, albeit with sleeves and with the intention of looking kinda spectral. You know, because she technically died. I mean once she starts to move past this she'd go for a less threatening look, but until then enjoy the idea of Strelitzia trying to emulate the appearance of a vengeful spirit.

Strelitzia trying to look intimidating when she’s probably like fourteen and still a kid.

Man, this is something I always hate remembering like holy shit all of these guys are still kids. They suffer and they’re like...children. ;w;

Even after learning that Sora wasn't the one responsible for her (first) death, Strelitzia would feel somewhat uncomfortable around him until she can finally accept that Lauriam betrayed her. This would REALLY hurt Sora because he only wants to help this poor kid and yet he's indirectly the source of a lot of her pain. Actually, Sora would go through a huge bout of self-blame in KH3, particularly regarding what happened to Roxas and Xion. Strelitzia would just bring it to the surface.

...Sora’s gonna need a lot of hugs after this because Roxas and XIon and probably Ven too are gonna be causing him a lot of strife and then there’s now Strelitzia on top of all this. ;w;

[junker-town]

The most ridiculous, bizarre and sublime sports video games of all-time

Sports are dumb. Video games are also dumb. But dumb sports video games are the best.

You know what’s good? Sports! You know what also can be (generally) good? Video games! It’s also pretty fun when those two things meet, and even more fun when they meet in the weirdest ways possible.

That happened quite a bit more in the 90s and early aughts than it does now (probably because it costs a whole lot more money to make video games these days, but that’s another story) and while they weren’t always good games, they were usually worth it on their novelty factor alone. And I am fascinated by these games.

I have spent hours playing Ninja Golf on the Atari 7800. I don’t really know why, I’m just so intrigued by the process that spawned such things. I’ve played far too much MLB Nicktoons, because seeing Spongebob Squarepants share a field with Carlos Beltran is still hilarious to me. To use a more well-known example: Jerry Glanville’s Pigskin Footbrawl is something I’ve been playing a lot of. It’s a game that doesn’t relate to Glanville in any way, but somehow has his name on it. Discovering why that is and also, you know, playing the games, has been my mission for a long time.

Hopefully that means my bosses will continue to let me write about the cross-section of sports and video games, with some deeper dives and the like. But until then, as sort of a primer, an appetizer if you will, how about we establish a base? Let’s take a brief look at the WEIRDEST sports games for each major sport!

This is part one, where we’re covering American football, basketball, hockey, baseball, soccer and golf — I will cover tennis, auto racing, combat sports and some others in a follow-up article.

American Football: Brutal Sports Football (Atari Jaguar)

Honorable Mention: Jerry Glanville’s Pigskin Footbrawl (Super Nintendo)

We’re starting out hot and heavy with, you guessed it, an Atari Jaguar game. Also released for a number of other consoles, Brutal Sports Football is exactly what it purports to be: football, but more brutal than football already is. I’m somewhat obsessed with this game.

Now, don’t confuse obsession with skill, because I am TERRIBLE at it. Part of that is me not having much experience with the Atari Jaguar, and part of that is the game being crushingly difficult. But it sure is fun, and as you can expect, it’s quite violent.

Featuring teams like the Thugs, Slayers and Goats (actual goatmen, of course), Brutal Sports Football is pretty standard football, if pretty standard football included axes, beheading, repeatedly stomping your opponent into the ground, powerups in the form of rabbits (?) and a surprising amount of backstory to its teams.

No, really. Every team has a brief explanation of their history/what kind of team they are. And they’re ridiculous.

Some of those are just ... whew.

Just how brutal is Brutal Sports Football, you ask? Well, you can use the severed heads of your enemies as a weapon to cave in the head of another. So, it’s at least on par with actual football.

There’s something about the gameplay that intrigues me, even though I can’t get a damn thing done in it. It’s surprisingly smooth-feeling for an early sports game, and the rules are interesting. Aside from the murdery bits, the goal is to get the ball into the end zone, which is an enclosed area a bit closer to a soccer goal. You can throw it or run it in, and when you run one it, it feels a good bit like dunking.

I suck at it (a theme you’ll find on this list), and I don’t think it’s an amazing video game. But it sure is weird.

Basketball: Bill Laimbeer’s Combat Basketball (Super Nintendo)

Honorable Mention: Michael Jordan: Chaos in the Windy City (Super Nintendo)

I’m going to start this one with a declaration: Bill Laimbeer’s Combat Basketball is a bad video game. There, I said it. It’s out in the open. Some people — whom I no longer respect as human beings — claim that it’s a good game and enjoy it immensely. They are horrible people and if you like it, so are you.

Hyperbole aside, WHERE IS BILL LAIMBEER? Much like Jerry Glanville’s Pigskin Footbrawl, Laimbeer has absolutely nothing to do with this video game, and like the game above, it was released under a different title in other regions, Future Basketball. But there is also very little about it that is futuristic, save for the drab, gray arenas, the robots and what the game says are jetpack-assisted jumps, but are actually still pretty lame, standard basketball jumps.

There’s bombs, but nothing about getting them feels good. What baskets do or do not go in seem to have no correlation with where you are and what the opposing players are doing to you, and the “combat” animations are so slight that it’s hard to tell if you’ve hit someone, unless they explode.

The game has bad sound effects, bad music, slow action, a bad camera, and very little excitement. I’m told that some people enjoy it, but as a kid, I’m not sure I’ve ever returned a game faster. That doesn’t make it any less weird though, and the fact that this game exists at all is pretty fascinating. Why does it have Bill Laimbeer’s name on it? Why is he on the cover? Where are the fans?

I’m so confused. I wanted to give this to Michael Jordan’s Chaos in the Windy City, or the fan game, Barkley: Shut up and Jam: Gaiden, but Laimbeer’s Combat Basketball is a little higher profile and I wanted to set the record straight while also pointing out that it’s weird. And dumb.

Baseball: Ninja Baseball Bat Man (Arcade)

Honorable Mention: Nicktoons MLB (Multi)

This is one of those that doesn’t REALLY resemble the actual sport it represents, because it’s not a baseball game so much as it is a 2D beat-em-up arcade game with a baseball theme. And when I say baseball theme, I mean every inch of this game is steeped in baseball stuff.

You fight baseballs. You fight giant catcher’s mitts with faces on them. You’re a robot baseball man who hits other robot baseball men with baseball bats. One of them just uses a giant baseball as a smashing weapon.

The story — yes the game has a story — is that you, the Ninja Baseball Bat Man — or N.B. Batman, as the commissioner of baseball refers to you, have to recover items that were stolen from the Baseball Hall of Fame. You can play as the well-balanced Captain Jose, the speedy Twinbats Ryno, the powerful Beanball Roger or the long-reaching Stick Straw, who stands 7’2’’, officially.

It’s a pretty great game, actually — a fun 2D brawler you can play cooperatively, I definitely played and beat this in multiple arcades with friends of mine.

The game was conceived by Drew Maniscalco, who came up with the idea after reading about the top grossing films of its time — Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and one of the Batman films (speculated to be Batman Returns). So Maniscalco wanted to create his own superhero-influenced game. He also liked the word “ninja”, thinking it felt “mysterious,” which was more than enough of a concept to make a video game in the early 90s.

This is the game on this list I can 100% recommend. You should play it if you can.

Hockey: Mutant League Hockey

Honorable Mention: NHL Hitz 2003

So, I actually didn’t want to include Mutant League Hockey on this list just because the Mutant League franchise is so big. That said, there is a surprising lack of weird hockey games. I went with NHL Hitz 2003 as the honorable mention because I think it works surprisingly well for an NFL Blitz spinoff, but I was hoping for something really nuts for hockey.

That isn’t to say that Mutant League Hockey is sane. No, it’s quite weird. It’s your basic hockey, except with robots, undead skeletons and trolls, and lots of things that are quite lethal, like exploding pucks and spikes on the boards.

Getting checked into them is not fun.

There are also random holes in the ice, and you can hit people with your stick. You can get a powerup that turns your goalie into a giant demon face, and if the opponents score on your giant demon face, it explodes.

And it’s oozing with personality, including fake coaching quotes like the one above. Have you ever seen a sideline interview that was actually interesting? Probably not. But they’re plenty interesting in Mutant League Hockey. Also, one of the arenas is the Madness Square Garden (why not Scare Garden?).

Soccer: Inazuma Eleven GO 2: Chrono Stone

Honorable Mention: Battle Soccer: Field No Hasha

If you’re unfamiliar with Inazuma Eleven, it’s a game developed by Level-5, a company responsible for many high profile puzzle and JRPG video games, like the Professor Layton, Dark Cloud and Ni no Kuni series of games. There is also a manga and anime spin-off of the games. I think any games in the series would fit on this list, but I went with this one because it’s my favorite of the bunch.

This is a story-heavy and strategy-heavy video game. The main character (of the series, not this game specifically), Mamoru Endou, is a talented goalkeeper and the grandson of Daisuke Endou, a legendary soccer player. You’re trying to save your team from being dissolved and you do that by progressing a surprisingly deep story, interspersed with bits of tactical soccer gameplay and strong anime cutscenes.

The game centers around the Football Frontier tournament, and includes arenas set throughout time and a final arena in a SKY PALACE. There you play Zeus, another team, who are drinking “ambrosia,” which is basically just a whole bunch of PEDs to make them better at the game. They’re juicing! In this relatively wholesome soccer game!

Gameplay includes scouting, recruiting new players by beating them in battle. In actual soccer games, when you run into one of the opposing players, it initiates a command duel, which has its own series of moves and actions you can take as part of it. Normal soccer rules apply with substitution and number of people on the field. It’s honestly impressive how deep it all goes. It’s not something I would recommend to non-RPG players, but fans of the genre should absolutely give it a spin.

Golf: Ribbit King (Nintendo Gamecube)

Honorable Mention: Desert Golf (Mobile)

Before I get into Ribbit King, a quick note about this honorable mention — Desert Golf is a simple never-ending golf game that came out on iOS and Android and doesn’t have much going on for it ... which is part of the reason it’s weird. The game has no explanations, no anything but a ball and hole, and some hills. I played it through a couple thousand holes. There are things about it that I will not talk about in case readers want to try it for themselves, but suffice to say when the game became a hit, a lot of people had a lot of discussions about secrets or things hidden in the procedurally-generated game.

Now, back to Ribbit King, an extremely under-appreciated golf game where you play as a person, or what appears to be a picnic basket(?), and you’re hitting catapults holding frogs with your mallet to launch said frogs around a course filled with flies, hazards and extra points. When you hit the frog, it will then hop upon landing, and how much hopping is dependent on powerups you’ve used, your swing, and the stamina of the frogs, which you can replenish with items.

Strictly speaking, since I strive for 100 percent accuracy, I will of course note that the game does not refer to it as golf, but Frolf.

It’s a weird game. There’s a full story mode with voice acting, and it’s as weird as you can expect. You play a carpenter named Scooter, and you’re trying to become the Frolf Champion, so you can win the Super Ribbinite, a fuel source needed to save your home planet. There’s also a sentient rock pile, gumball machine and karate-using panda.

The game is a successor to a Japan-only Playstation game titled Kero Kero King, which I played way back when but never knew about Ribbit King until the past year or so. I’m glad to have found it.

There are so many weird games for these sports I didn’t even get to mention — Cyber Baseball 2020, Mega Man Soccer, Blitz: The League, Zany Golf, like 40 other crazy baseball games and so much more. Sound off in the comments on what I missed and your predictions for the next batch of weird games.

[evayume]

Defeated Calamity Ganon

And that wasn’t part of the plan at all!

Uh so on the whim i decided i wanted to explore Hyrule Castle to get some good weapons and lmfao and after lots of climbing and reflecting and dodging lasers (the Guardian Turrets were the worst!) Amazingly didn’t run not any lynels and only had to deal with a handful of monsters along the way lololololol!!!

=3= It didn’t hold the button long enough to record, but omg I felt so good having finally gotten the hand of deflecting the Guardian’s laser shots!

I actually ended up finding the Sanctum! Since I made it all the way there and I had a healthy amount of bomb arrows, I thought, “Eh, why not give it a go?”

I mean, I did have over a 100 bomb arrows I had been stockpiling because they are the most OP item in the game when dealing with bosses (except for the Fireblight Ganon because the bombs explodes before you could fire them WHELP! He was really easy to beat without them though.) This was pretty much my main weapon stash for the entire battle. I used the Master Sword for the final hits. I am definitely more of an archer than a melee fighter ahahaha!

But to my surprise it was Thunderblight Ganon, which I realized, “Oh right, it’s the dude I haven’t defeated yet.” I also realized at the moment, shit, this is supposed to be the hard one I have been hearing about. But honestly? He wasn’t that bad? But maybe it was easier because I already had the Master Sword, I got that really early in this playthrough, which also wasn’t part of the plan. At this point, this whole playthrough just has me winging it!

Initially I had planned to wait until I collected all the memories so I could get the True End after defeating Ganon. And for completion purposes, I needed to free Vah Naboris--- something I had been putting off ever since I miserably failed my stealth mission at the Yiga Clan’s hideout.

Much to my surprise, Calamity Ganon was a lot easier than I thought he was going to be. I had been growing more confident with how easy Water Blight, Wind Blight and Fire Blight Ganon were, especially since this time round, I actually been using the Sheika Slate very often so I wouldn’t waste resources.

For some stupid reason, when he started glowing orange, I thought he was going to be using fire power, and so I put on the Flame Armor, only to later realize I didn’t need to. I could’ve continued wearing the stylish Royal Guard armor I found along the way.

Seriously, next time I fight him, I’m gonna make sure I’m wearing the good stuff for the cuts scenes!

And make sure I have bring my main horse as well. The one that actually resembles the one Link rode 100 years ago. (And as you can see, I quickly changed lmfaoooooo!!!)

Seriously, I wasn’t expecting to actually beat him on my first go, much less when I decided to wing it! But once I defeated him, maybe it was because I hadn’t collected all the memories it felt so anti-climatic. I thought, “Wait that’s it?” I wasn’t expecting to be taken back to the title screen after the credits, but hey, that’s what you get for not finishing the main quest first! But at least I am motivated to go back to fight him again, especially since he doesn’t scare me anymore ahaha! I know I can take down in one go!

On the bright side, I still have all my bomb arrows after all of that, so I don’t need to buy more all over again! :D HURRAY!!!! We’ll have to see if I luck out finding my way back there as easily as I did the first time!

But man do I love Hyrule Castle’s theme, the minute I stepped into the grounds, oh man, I fell in love with the track, I wanted to stay there all day just so I could listen to it. It really built up the hype, but it also gave me the feels, especially when I was exploring the ruins of the castle and the surrounding areas.

Now not only do I need to go back there to get the True Ending, but maybe I would actually remember to search for the secret recipe this time LMAOOOOOOOOOO!!! I can’t believe I actually forgot about that quest!

- Defeated Calamity Ganon: 70 Hours into Game - Korok Seeds Found: 142 - Shrines Completed: 56

[zsielous]

I do want to read your opinions

Well, sure. If you guys want to read one of my game critiques, just read beneath the cut, as this is gonna be a long post.

Crash Bandicoot: Twinsanity is one of those games that I hate to love, and love to hate. To put it on the most basest terms, To sum my entire feelings of it, it’s mediocre. As in, it’s dreadfully boring in almost every aspect. Even when I was young, and playing through it, I found myself incredibly bored of it’s concept and plot to the degree that I either moved to PC entirely, or shipped to a different series entirely by the point I had gotten as far as I could be bothered to. The level design is archaic and linear, the challenge ranges from mind-numbingly boring to annoying levels of difficult, and a lot of the game’s pacing and story feel stilted and odd.

But let’s break things down piece by piece so I can explain why the game’s bad. First, let’s focus on the main aspect - the gameplay. The controls are well-done - surprisingly so. Everything feels about how it should be, good levels of resistence from boxes, spinning and movement feel good. But the jumping is the first arrow in this games Achille’s heel. The gravity in this game is... Off. By a wide margin. It feels like Crash should, and sometimes can, jump higher, longer, and without as much control as other games. In a lot of the other games, you could control your jumps. Everything feels odd and floaty in the air, and sometimes jumps can be frustrating to make, especially when they require focus. Wrath of Cortex, for example, had a fairly set gravity and controlling yourself whilst in the air was manageable to the degree where you could complete most of the challenges. Twinsanity felt... Floaty.

Let’s talk about moveset. Most of Crash’s moves from previous games are outright abandoned. No powerups, no cool, nifty little tricks. Just spinning and jumping. Sliding works about 2% of the time, and the other 98%, you die, or would do the job quicker spinning or simply jumping on them. While that’s nothing new for the Crash formula, it feels lazy how little you have to do. Enemy placement is usually sporadic enough as it is (until you get to the ant levels, where if you don’t spin, you’ll die quickly) that generally speaking, even spinning is useless. The crates they provide are mere distractions from the incredibly linear story and level design. Sure, you can get the coloured gems, but they’re so few and far between the levels, it’s easier just to get past the story as it is. Speaking of story...

Let’s focus on this game’s greatest flaw. The story. Dear God, the story. They had so much potential with this game’s story. Crash and Cortex teaming up together to fight an otherworldly evil that Cortex himself created. That sounds like the coolest, best idea you could have. Even the intro is promising, where Cortex lures you into a trap where you find all the other bosses from the previous games, all lined up and ready to beat you down. You could’ve done so much in the opening fight - like having a boss rush, or placing bosses throughout the story with their own little zones or stories and conflicts. But no. They’re just there one moment and gone the next. You only fight a total of four Crash bosses that are from Crash games. And one of them, N. Gin, is literally just a waiting game. No cool battle in space, or at sea on his admittedly cool giant naval ship. No, you fight him on a tiny platform and make him explode himself. Then two minutes after a very generic “boulder chase” sequence (really, it was not that great, but a nice little reference), you fight a DUO of N. Brio and N. Tropy. That has so many possibilities! Could you imagine fighting N. Brio as N. Tropy warps you from location to location, past and future? That would be insane! But no. You fight them on a tiny iceberg. Dingodile shows up midway through the game, and his fight is... Pathetic. 

The original bosses - the three of them that there are - range from pathetic, to insanely hard without exploits, to impossible. Mecha Bandicoot is an echo of what the N. Gin fight could’ve been. In fact, I’d wager that it’s harder than N. Gin is. And mind you, this thing is not tricky in the slightest. Madamme Amberly is... Hard. That’s all there is to it. Cortex controls like a much sloppier Crash, and his ranged weapon is pointlessly pathetic. And it has ammo that you need to keep track of. When you fight Amberly, you’re graced with infinite ammunition, but her fight is mash central, and one of the main reasons I couldn’t beat the game as a kid. It was so arbitrarily difficult that it wasn’t fun. It wasn’t until much later until I found out about an explot you could use to glitch her priority targeting that the fight became a cakewalk. We’ll get to the final boss. Let’s talk about the design.

This game is gorgeous. Drop-dead, hands-down one of the most colourful and well-designed PS2 games I’ve played to date. You could tell a lot of heart and soul went into the project just looking at the concept art and the models and animations. Everything looks stellar, almost better than some PS3 or 360 games I’ve played to date. It’s atmospheric in some places, and ingenious in others, from the totemic, tribalistic regions on N. Sanity island, to the futuristic complex of Cortex’s Arctic lair, to the gothic designes of Madamme Amberly’s, to the warped world of the 5th dimension - it’s all designed brilliantly. Shame the levels are dead-straight tracts of land. They had all these great elements and they never got to use them, or just made the game far too linear to explore some more cool themes. The soundtrack is excellent - an acapella group recreating all the sounds of instruments just using their voices? In some places, it’s cheery and goofy (the N. Sanity Beach theme is still stuck in my head), and others it’s grim and depressing (the 5th dimension is still haunting to this day). Again, the final boss is perhaps the greatest theme of all time in my brain, but we’ll get to that. Promise.

Let’s get back to the story. The story is the biggest crutch. It’s begging for Cortex to have a whole stock of cool and unique weapons and gadgets at his disposal to deal with his problems rather than dirty his hands. The new threat even beats out his own master, Uka-Uka AND Aku-Aku together. You’d think Cortex would, oh, I don’t know, fabricate hundreds of machines or robots to defeat them, or they would find a means of turning the other bosses against you. Nope. They appear a grand total of FOUR TIMES. And they only intervene ONCE. Every other time they laud about how powerful they are and what they’re going to do to the planet Earth, then piss off to who knows where to do... Nothing. Their minions make more appearances than they do! Dingodile makes more appearances than they do! They aren’t showing how evil this new evil is. They don’t show them doing the things they claim to be doing. The most they do to convince Cortex is remove his brain from his skull. That’s it. Okay, cool, now do something like steal parts of his brain to make him a good guy, or steal the ideas for his next plan. Nope, they just shunt it back in there after pulling it out. They send minions to do their job because they have no power to do extraordinary things. It’s... Depressing. A huge buildup for the advertising, and the game, and we’re delivered a very generic, bland experience. No unique or memorable bosses (save the final boss), no actual semblance of a plot (outside of stop the bad guys) and no Evil versus Evil. It’s just “oh, they’re here, best stop them”. There is so little about this story or the actual threat the Evil poses that this game falls flat on it’s face. In the original Crash, you could see where the shifts happened - Island 3, which is mechanized pollution and radioactive waste, more mechanical levels), Crash 2 had the whole futuristic theme to it (as did Crash 3)... Things built up to stopping Cortex as he was about to achieve his goals. Twinsanity you walk in before the goals were even started, and you fight the final boss. Let’s talk about this. Because the final boss is important to me on so many levels.

The final boss of Crash Twinsanity... Is legendary. It is, by far, the best example of what this game could’ve been. You fight a giant mechanical scarab-ant-thing, armed with flamethrowers, minions, lazers, guns, explosives... This thing is a gigantic threat. It’s even got shields. You fight this thing in the heart of an insane factory that produces the minions, in a small arena surrounded by a moat of lava with a kickass song playing as all three playable characters doing their own thing to stop the boss. And by God, it is why I love this game so much. There is so much potential brimming from this one boss. You use the platforming skills from Nina to break down it’s shields, you fight as Cortex shooting away it’s main guns, then you beat the mech down WITH MECHA BANDICOOT. My GOD it is so satisfying. This boss is so well-designed, it feels like an actual struggle, like an actual fight for your life. My copy of the game bugged, so when I played as Nina, I had to jump in the dark to try reach the hook-holds of the shield generators, which made the game so much more tense for me, at least. It’s just a crying shame that the rest of the game is piddle-pandering to the crowd that it misses out on what could’ve been so good. If the rest of the game was like this one boss - actual threats, real tension, and use of character skills beyond just the quirk of playing them, then Twinsanity would’ve been the number one Crash game of all time. 

But it isn’t. It’s a mess of a game. A very pretty mess, but it wants to push presentation over gameplay or story. Everything is cookie-cutter and generic. It’s such a disappointment. But the final boss makes this game so, so worth it. All in all, I give the game a 3/10. There just isn’t enough of the game that I think is good, but the final boss pushes this from being a title not worth picking up.

[operationrainfall]

Title New Super Lucky’s Tale Developer Playful Publisher Playful Release Date November 8th, 2019 Genre Platformer Platform PC, Nintendo Switch, Xbox One Age Rating E for Everyone – Mild Cartoon Violence Official Website

I’ve been looking forward to delving into New Super Lucky’s Tale since it was just called Super Lucky’s Tale and was an Xbox console exclusive. As a gamer that really loves platformers of every stripe, I pride myself on being able to immediately identify when a platformer has the right stuff. And even though I demoed both versions of the game a few years apart, one thing immediately stuck out to me – New Super Lucky’s Tale is a platformer made for platformer fans. It has precise mechanics, colorful graphics and is simply a joy to play. But even with all of those boxes checked, the question remains – does this game do enough to differentiate itself from the huge field of other retro styled platformers? Or does Lucky the fox disappoint?

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New Super Lucky’s Tale starts with a dramatic introduction that set the tone of the game respectably. The Guardian Order was created to protect many far flung worlds from chaos when the unthinkable suddenly happens. One of their members, Jinx the sorcerer, apparently goes mad, and wages war on his fellow Guardians. His goal is possession of the Book of Ages. With it, Jinx will have the power to rewrite reality and essentially be unstoppable. A war follows, and the Guardians are defeated and banished from their home, the Sky Castle. Jinx has his minions the Kitty Litter hound them, and eventually the Guardians are found. Just when it seems all is lost, the Book of Ages reacts to the sorcerer’s fell magic, and it erupts in a supernatural explosion. Many pages of the book are scattered to the winds, and fly to various worlds. In the chaos, a portal opens and drags into it the young and impressionable brother of the head of the Guardian Order, Lyta’s little brother Lucky. You will play this young and untested fox as he sets out to right the wrongs caused by Jinx’ madness.

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Pretty great start, right? I admit I loved the comic cutscenes and the scope of the introduction. Unfortunately, the drama and tension are lost rather quickly once the game actually starts. One reason is that you never get to meet with the far flung Guardian Order as you play the main story. At best you see them huddled around a campfire during load screens. Another reason is that once Lucky takes charge, the story is decidedly childish. I don’t mean that in a mean way, since this game is obviously meant to appeal to gamers of various ages, but the fact remains there’s a distinct change in tone. Thankfully, none of this stops the game from being fun, and I can say with confidence New Super Lucky’s Tale is a very entertaining adventure.

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Lucky’s goal is to find the missing pages from the Book of Ages. Finding enough in each world will unlock the gate to that world’s boss fight. While there’s only 5 main worlds in the game, each one is totally distinct thematically and serves as a HUB to the stages. You start out at the lofty Sky Castle, then tackle an agricultural world full of hillbilly worm creatures, or take my favorite, a theme park full of ghosts and goblins. Each world is delightfully strange and animated, and none of them was a bore. There’s a handful of stages in each, including both 3D and 2.5D levels, as well as optional challenge stages. Challenges can range from statue ice puzzles to rolling around in a giant pinball machine. My only complaint with regard to this structure was that I assumed each world would get progressively larger, but in truth almost every world has the same amount of stages. The key difference is that in general it will cost a bit more pages to unlock each subsequent boss fight, but even then it’s a small difference. I only complain about these details because I was so enjoying myself in the game, and wanted an excuse to spend more time there.

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But just because I want more game doesn’t mean I didn’t enjoy the gameplay in New Super Lucky’s Tale. I haven’t played a platformer this precise and fun in a long time. It’s both simple and finely tuned. You can jump with B or double jump with a second press, attack with a tail swipe using Y, burrow into the dirt with ZR (or slide on hard surfaces), move with the left stick and control the camera with the right stick. That’s it, and that’s all the game needs. I never had any issues getting the controls to work, and found the camera to be very intuitive and easy to use. I also really enjoyed the burrowing mechanic, not least since it helped differentiate Lucky from other platformer protagonists. Once you start, you’ll keep burrowing until you release ZR, but other than that you have complete freedom to move around and collect hidden coins. It’s also fun watching Lucky burst out of the dirt like some landlocked dolphin when you stop burrowing. Most enemies in the game aren’t much of a threat, consisting of angry insects, cranky crustaceans, bothersome bats and other assorted nuisances. Instead, most of the danger comes from stage hazards, such as fireballs, dangerous spikes, or simply falling to your death. Luckily, the game is pretty generous with hearts that restore your health.

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Since the enemies in the game aren’t much of a threat, that means most of the gameplay instead revolves around platforming your way through stages. The 3D stages have goals you’ll need to achieve to escape, such as awakening a giant Golem or wrangling lost animals, while the 2.5D stages are split between basic ones and endless runners. I tended to prefer the purity of the 2.5D stages, though the scale of the 3D stages was nice, but thankfully their large size is ameliorated by lots of checkpoints. I made great use of the camera in those large areas. Each stage, regardless of format, is full of optional goodies that will reward you with an additional page from the Book of Ages. You can acquire one by collecting 300 or more coins, finding all the hidden LUCKY letters and finding a well-hidden page, which is usually gated behind a timed gauntlet. So the maximum number of pages in each stage is 4, and nabbing all of them results in a perfect score. Not to gloat, but I found it incredibly easy to get perfect scores in most stages, though to be fair, there were a handful that required a second or third playthrough. One good example was in Veggie Village, in a stage where I had to find lost Wormal musicians to put on a concert. Two of the letters in that stage were so well-hidden I almost looked online for FAQs to guide me in the right direction. Thankfully, that sort of confusion was far form the norm, and I raced through New Super Lucky’s Tale at a brisk clip, usually spending less than an hour per world.

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For my fellow platformer completionists, I wish I could affirm there’s some big reward for finding everything, but I have yet to confirm that from the developer. All I know is that by finding more and more pages, you’ll unlock more and more outfits for Lucky at Geovanni’s boutique. There’s a ton of ridiculous outfits, and they all make Lucky look even more silly. Most of the game really comes down to how much you like playing New Super Lucky’s Tale, and if you’re eager to 100% it without the prestige of some giant reward. That said, I did enjoy it quite a lot, so I will probably slowly chip away at those hidden challenge stages and try to fully beat every main stage. If nothing else, once you beat the game you’ll unlock another world full of super hard levels, just in case the rest of the game was a bit too easy.

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I always enjoy a good boss fight, and I enjoyed them in New Super Lucky’s Tale. Each fight is against a member of the Kitty Litter, and they’re a ragtag bunch of deranged kittens. The first one you meet is ninja master Mittens, or there’s Tess the cantankerous mechanic. Then you have the sultry Lady Meowmalade and the dynamic duo of Buttons and Fluffy. And of course, the final boss fight is against Jinx, who to my surprise is also supposed to be a cat. Each and every boss has a lot of personality, and while they all fight somewhat differently, most of the boss battles are a bit too samey. They always involve Lucky evading attacks on the field of battle, then flinging something at the distant boss to hurt them, rinse and repeat. Some battles get really hectic, and a couple even go full bullet hell, but most of them left me wanting more. The primary exception to this format was the fight against Lady Meowmalade, which was both incredibly creative and utterly silly. Anytime I get to fight on a dance floor and avoid disco lasers, I’ll have a big smile plastered on my face. And the fight against Jinx was sufficiently difficult that I wasn’t able to beat him the first attempt. Ultimately, the boss fights weren’t bad, I just hoped for more of the same creativity in them that’s everywhere else in the game.

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Visually, New Super Lucky’s Tale is exploding at the seams with inventive ideas. Some great examples are country Wormals, wrestling Yetis, mechanical horrors, mind control speakers, ghostly freedom fighters and so much more. The whole game is tied together with colorful art and lots of cartoony enthusiasm. It’s bright, funny and very silly, and I love that. It’s also full of characters with lots of personality, from Greg the somewhat stalkery Mailgolem to the aforementioned Kitty Litter. Musically, the game is pretty different depending on the world. None of the tracks were particularly memorable, but they also didn’t hurt the pace of the game.

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I don’t have many substantive complaints to make about New Super Lucky’s Tale, more a collection of minor irritations. Though I can’t hold this against the game, it was a bit too easy for more than half of my playthrough. I would usually unlock the boss fight after playing two stages, and had to weigh whether to check out the other stages or just race to the next world. The plot, while interesting initially, quickly peters out. Worse yet, in loading screens Greg the Mailgolem seems to hint that there’s some mystery behind Jinx turning evil, but nothing like that is ever explained or delved into during the main game. And while I did enjoy every minute playing the game, I can’t help but wish there was a lot more game to get lost in. I suppose my best hope is that the folks at Playful are working on a sequel to address many of these issues, but in the meantime these issues kept New Super Lucky’s Tale from getting a perfect score.

Ultimately, as a fan of platformers, I really enjoyed New Super Lucky’s Tale. But since I enjoyed the game so much, I was also hoping for more longevity and more challenge. That said, this is a game that’s easy to recommend for pretty much everyone, even if they don’t think they’re good at platformers. For $39.99, there’s a very enjoyable experience here, albeit a brief one, taking me about 6-7 hours. I think New Super Lucky’s Tale is worth every penny, though if you want more content for your money, you might want to wait for a small sale. That said, I still am very glad I got to play this love letter to the platformer genre, and hope to see more in the future from Playful.

[easyreview cat1title=”Overall” cat1detail=”” cat1rating=”4.5″]

Review Copy Provided by Publisher

REVIEW: New Super Lucky’s Tale Title New Super Lucky's Tale

[terryblount]

Project Warlock – Review

For me, there is nothing like taking a break from all the cover-based shooting, open worlds and stealth mechanics with a well-crafted first person shooter. These games are like the taking shots at the bar: They may not be as fancy as wine or as intricate as a cocktail, but they are hard, fast, and guarantee a night to remember!

However, I am hardly thinking of the AAA military shooters that cause angry fans to break the internet every year. No, no. What gets the job done are shooting arenas, an arsenal that would make a warlord drool, and legions of monsters begging to be introduced to your shotgun. What is needed is a classic, arcade shooter.

I was therefore excited to dig my claws into Buckshot Software’s latest indie title named Project Warlock. It has been some time since I tasted that sweet violence only this genre of games can provide, and Project Warlock seemed an excellent place to ‘get back into the game’ so to speak. Ferocious enemies, perilous environments, many weapons to choose from… its all here!

Whoops… might have squeezed the trigger a little hard there…

Unfortunately, my experience with this game fell tragically short of my anticipation. While it boasts all the right features on paper, Project Warlock just makes too many stupid mistakes in its execution. I would be lying if I said my overall experience was a positive one.

Shoot first, ask questions later

Much like every run-and-gun FPS on this planet, the story counts as much as crust on pizza. You play as, you guessed it, a unnamed warlock that has to rid the world of evil monsters and their overlords. Players will basically just shoot the crap out of everything across five main worlds ranging from medieval castles, frozen wastelands, Egyptian deserts and urbanized dystopias, before facing off against the ultimate source of all evil in hell.

It is generic, but it’s all you need. Each world features 5 main missions along with one boss fight. These 5 missions are then divided further into smaller gameplay episodes generally lasting around 6-8 minutes each. You spend your time massacring monsters, searching for multicoloured keys, and making your way through the maze-like levels while keeping an eye out for secrets.

Health. Put every damn XP point on health.

The reason why Project Warlock’s missions are so chopped up is that this game contains absolutely no checkpoints or quick saves. Your progress is only saved at the ‘Workshop’ once you complete an entire mission. If you die during an episode, there is the option of using an extra life to restart the episode from the beginning. No lives? You have to replay the ENTIRE mission.

Most players will find out soon that this game is seriously challenging; even on easy difficulty, most enemies can kill the warlock in a few hits. Playing on the hardest difficulty must be an exercise in outright masochism, unless brutal challenges are your idea of a turn-on.

Pixel perfect

So let us consider the good, the bad, and end with the ugly. What Project Warlock absolutely nails down to the last pixel is its visual presentation. Much like the classic FPS games of old, namely Doom, Heretic and Wolfenstein, this game embraces a visual theme composed of low polygonal environments with sprite-based enemies.

As such, textures, objects and particle effects appear as if they have been plucked straight off an old Pentium 1 machine, but Buckshot Games have used the Unity Engine to add some nice, modern lighting effects. Much like Octopath: Traveler, the final effect is a pleasant fusion of flat sprites that still manage to impart a three-dimensional feeling to the overall visual style.

No effects

More pixels!

Players are even given the option to activate additional visual features like even more heavily-pixelated textures, or classic CRT styling if you really want to go old school. These small little touches shows how Project Warlock strives to be authentically retro in its presentation, and it honestly made me feel like I was a kid again at times. Yes I am THAT old!

This girl is on FIYAAAAAA… man I love Alecia Keys.

The darkness descends

Most unfortunately, Buckshot Games wasted the game’s visual potential by making many environments too dark. I get that they wanted to give the game a more somber tone, but I often struggled to see what was going on. This was totally unnecessary as Project Warlock would certainly have been more visually appealing if it had a more colourful and varied texture palette.

To make matters worse, some levels take place in almost total blackness. The game does provide the player with one spell that throws a small circle of light, but this cannot be used simultaneously with a weapon. Seriously, have we learnt nothing from the whole Doom 3 flashlight fiasco!?

Let us risk a little more light… more… more… more…. and more… little more….

The light spell was not the only useless magical trick. In fact virtually all of the spells I unlocked in the workshop were all a waste of upgrade points (which are really hard to find by the way). A ball of lightning that floats in mid-air and shocks individual enemies sounds cool, until you learn it barely does damage.

So you opt for the magical axe that can be summoned to slash at your foe, right? Might as well wack yourself with the worthless thing for all the good it does. The final nail in the coffin is that I often experienced a bug where the magical spells would not even go off. This usually happened when I loaded into a level for the first time. Not good.

Just shoot me

The one thing that has always defined arcade shooters since Doom in 1993 is that they make you feel super powerful. When Duke Nukem or Serious Sam pick up their guns and put on sunglasses, you know its on. Given the ridiculous irony of not choosing to use magic in a game called Project Warlock, the gunplay better had be very good, and for the most part it is top-notch.

The sound design in particular is impressive. The guns create delightful booms and bangs which later had me casting apologetic looks at my subwoofer… before taking aim at a flying devil lady and KABLAM!

My girfriend when I leave the cap off the toothpaste…

Every enemy that ends on the receiving end of your gun explodes into a gorgeous mess off flying giblets and blood everywhere, which really adds the cherry on top of a great shooting experience. The warlock even has a wood cutter’s axe as a melee weapon that makes a wonderful ‘WOOSH’ sound right before chopping whatever is bothering you in two.

Descending into Hell

Still, the engaging gun action and nostalgic visual impact fail to distract from the really silly flaws at play here. While the opening sections of the game show a lot more attention to level design and gameplay, it is as if the developers just lost their perspective as they were creating the final areas.

Dark Souls games have taught us that a game cannot just be hard for its own sake. A game’s difficulty must exist as a fair challenge for the player to do better. The player might not have the skills to overcome certain obstacles yet, but they must have the tools.

However, when I flip a switch and four robots capable of killing with one or two shots spawn all around me in pitch darkness, that is neither fun nor exciting. That is just poor enemy placement rather than a enjoyable challenge. Don’t forget: You will be forced to replay the entire mission from the start if you run out of extra lives.

I really do not understand why the developers thought it wise to insert these scenarios so frequently into the game’s latter half since it nearly ruined my whole experience.  The only challenge I got from all of this was trying not smash my keyboard through the screen.

The simple addition of a quick save option might have alleviated much of the ham-fisted difficulty curve, and it was therefore a silly but crucial oversight. I know that is not how things were done in the golden days, but Project Warlock paid enough respects to the past through its visuals. It is not essential to bring in every single aspect of retro shooters just for the sake of authenticity.

Stay right there sphinx boss! Now, I will take my flashlight out but don’t even think about moving!

Then there are the boss fights. Did Buckshot Games never play Serious Sam? Now THAT is how you make a player face off against a colossal enemy. What you don’t do is give the boss almost hit-scanning weapons while endlessly spawning lesser enemies on the ground. Even if the boss fight is a separate level, dying means replaying the entire previous mission if you want another go at it. Another design choice that simply baffles me.

This game could have been an excellent homage to everything that made the proto-FPS titles the quintessential video game experiences of their day. Sadly, what little potential it shows cannot outshine its numerous design faults. As it stands, I find it hard to recommend Project Warlock to anyone other than people who absolutely relish difficult games, or those waiting for the next Doom mod to arrive.

Nostalgic art style

Sound design

Variety between levels

Satisfying gun play

Poorly constructed boss fights

Warlock game with useless spells

Frustrating difficulty spike

Several levels are too dark

Shoddy enemy placement

Playtime: 8 hours total for single player campaign

Computer Specs: Windows 10 64-bit computer using GTX 1070, i5 4690K, 16GB RAM

Project Warlock – Review published first on https://touchgen.tumblr.com/