Memories of Defeat (pt 4/4)
An In Stars and Time retrospective that revolves around everyone's favorite star. Major "secret ending"/epilogue spoilers below the cut!!
[Start from Part One here.]
Once upon a time, there were two brothers: one made of light, and one made of meat.
The elder brother was capable. Resourceful. He’s the one who had to point the way. Even if he was lost, or exhausted, or hungry and scared and alone, he didn’t have a choice. There was nowhere left for him to go. So he died! He died on purpose!! He’d rather be dead!!! Anything would be better than this!!!!
The younger brother burrowed out of their sibling’s ribcage. They were afraid, too, but they weren’t hungry. How could they be? They were born from a banquet of muscle and bone. Fermented in a womb of fresh-spilled blood.
The younger brother swallowed their elder. They swallowed his liver and his entrails, his heart and lungs and light. Everything good that was ever inside him would be theirs now. Then they wiped their mouth and howled their loneliness into the stars. Why did it have to be like this? What can’t I remember? Why am I so alone???
The night sky looked down and said, Because I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hope you eat shit and die. Die unloved and alone. It’s what you deserve.
But I didn’t do anything wrong! the younger brother wailed, pathetically, and also totally blinding hypocritically because they literally just ate their only kin, like, ten minutes ago. I only wanted to be loved!!!
Cool, the Universe said. Try telling someone who cares.
* * *
There’s no room for Loop in the caravan.
Which is fine. Preferable, even. It’s not as though they’re particularly eager to spend the night two inches away from the nation’s most nauseating lovebirds.
Siffrin insists on pitching a tent for them. That’s fine, too. It’s a free country. Siffrin can do whatever he wants. It doesn’t mean that Loop actually has to sleep there.
(They can’t even look at it. It smells like the past. Like the hole in their chest.)
They sleep on the ground, with a scarf draped over their eyes. They don’t want to look at the stars.
* * *
Loop’s eyes snap open a few minutes before sunrise. There’s someone watching them.
“You’re not sneaky,” they announce, without looking up. “I’m not one of your oblivious little friends. You can’t hide from me. I’m better at it, anyway.”
“Maybe I wasn’t trying to.”
“You know it’s pointless trying to lie to me.”
“…Yeah.”
Loop rolls their eyes. He’s the one who won, isn’t he? So why does he always go around acting like a sopping wet cat left out in the rain? “What do you want, stardust.”
“I’m deciding if I have to give you our cloak,” Siffrin admits.
That gets their attention. Loop sits up, intrigued.
Siffrin tucks their chin behind their collar. “It seems maybe… right? Um. Morally. But I really don’t want to.”
“Aww, stardust. You think I want that ratty old thing?”
“Of course.”
…Of course.
Loop smiles sunnily. “I bet you think I’m going to say something like, Ohh, you don’t have to do that. It’s the thought that counts! That you even considered it is more than enough for me!”
Siffrin looks hopeful. Stupid little beast. How were a hundred bloody deaths still not enough to wring all the optimism out of them?
“Well, maybe I won’t! We don’t all find you so charming, you know. Maybe I do want it! It was mine first!”
Siffrin’s face scrunches miserably. As they reach for the clasp that holds their collar shut, the first gleam of dawn catches on a silver coin, still pinned to their lapel.
…Ugh. “It’s fine, okay? It’s not even my style anymore. Anyway, I got to keep both our eyes, so. Who’s the loser here, really?”
Siffrin opens their mouth.
“If you answer that, I’m taking the cloak just so I can throw it in the river.”
Siffrin closes their mouth. But they don’t walk away. They just keep standing there, staring.
“Stars, what?” Loop demands. “Have you got some more restitutions for me? Going to give me your other eye?”
Siffrin shakes his head. “It’s just, um. Loop.”
“What?”
“No, I mean the name. ‘Loop.’ Are you sure that’s what you want?”
“Stars, it’s one thing after another with you! Talk about intrusive! Do you do this with all your little friends, or it just me you can’t trust to make a single blinding decision for myself?”
Siffrin scuffs the heel of their boot through the dirt. “It just… doesn’t seem fair.”
“Oh, you figured it out, did you!! Ve~ry clever, stardust! It is unfair! Much like everything else in this miserable world! Nothing was ever going to be fair! What do you want me to do about it? Well? Go on! I’d love to hear your brilliant solution!”
Siffrin just keeps standing there, silent.
Loop’s fingernails dig into their palms. “Do you think I should be Siffrin again? Is that it? You think we should both be Siffrin? I’m sure that won’t confuse anyone. When your pet Fighter calls your name and the both of us come running.”
“...It would get confusing.”
“I’m not him anymore, anyway,” Loop spits. “They’re dead. You should know. You’re the one who killed them. And killed them and killed them and killed them and killed them! And—if I can be honest? Good blinding riddance!! You think I liked being you? Being some desperate, needy little freak with no past and no future?” They let out a tinkling laugh. “Get over yourself, stardust. Frankly, I’d rather die.”
“I’m not saying you should be me,” Siffrin says quietly. “I just mean… Loop, specifically. It doesn’t seem a little… masochistic?”
Loop blinks at them.
“I know you’re not me,” Siffrin says again. “Or even the me you used to be. But you’re not the loops, either. They’re just—something that happened to us.”
Loop rolls their eyes. “You escape one time loop and suddenly you’re a qualified therapist?”
“Do you really like it, though?”
…Well. Well of course they don’t blinding like it. But it’s fitting, isn’t it? It’s funny, isn’t it? Just like them!! Soooo~ funny!!!
“…Loop?”
“I don’t like it,” Loop hisses. “But. It’s… not as though I like anything else. And it’s. Familiar.”
Siffrin nods. Even he can understand that much. This world’s Siffrin may have had it easy—like, really, ridiculously, embarrassingly easy—but both of them went years without finding anything familiar. “Okay. If you’re sure.”
“I am.”
“And you know you can change your mind.”
“Hard as it may be to believe, I am, in fact, fully capable of thinking for myself! But thanks ever so much for trying to dictate another aspect of my life! I was starting to worry that I might actually have to be a real person!”
Siffrin frowns. “You’re a real person.”
“Oh, for Stars— Haven’t you done enough? I’m exhausted. You’re exhausting.” They flop back in their bedroll, draping the scarf back over their eyes. “Just leave me alone, stardust. It’s what you do best.”
[You dreamed that you were drowning. Even now, you still can’t catch your breath.]
There’s an old fairytale, back in (don’t think it DON’T THINK IT IT HURTS) about the saddest man in the world. He’s so miserable, so totally consumed by his hurt that he can’t even talk about it, because no one would ever understand. He is utterly alone in his grief.
So the world’s saddest man makes a wish. He wishes for a copy of himself! Someone else, someone new, who might reflect the emptiness inside him.
But the copy is too good. Much, much better than the man ever was. There’s no bitterness inside it because, for as long as it’s lived, it’s always had him. It never had to learn how it feels to be alone.
The man hates it. He hates it. He can't stand to see it walking around, smiling and laughing and failing and trying. So he lures it back into his study. He gives it a smile. He opens his arms.
It’s still smiling at him, trusting, when he drives the knife into its chest.
The man drinks the light from its veins and swallows the wish in its heart. He leaves it empty empty empty. And do you know what?? In the end, when he’s left shuddering in a puddle of blood and spattered viscera, nothing has changed!! There’s nothing different at all!!! He still isn’t any less alone!!!!!
*
* *
* * *
The morning after the party sets out from Bambouche, Loop wakes up to find Bonnie standing over them.
“How come you don’t glow anymore?” they ask bluntly.
Loop blinks. “Oh. Um. W-Well, it was wreaking havoc on my beauty sleep. Looking this good doesn’t come cheap, you know! It’s practically a full-time job!”
“But how? What happened to your sparkles?”
“They… washed off?” It is sort-of true. For a while after Siffrin set them free, Loop wasn’t anywhere at all. When they finally gasped awake, they were neck-deep in the same black, frigid water that carried them to Vaugaurde, all those years ago. Except this world’s Siffrin already took the boat. Loop had to claw their way to shore with their own two hands.
Bonnie looks disappointed. What else is new? Water is wet and Loop is disappointing. “That sucks. It was cool. But I guess it’s good you can sleep now. Being tired sucks too.”
Loop’s mouth ticks up. “I’ll tell you a secret,” they find themself saying. “But only if you won’t tell Siffrin.”
“DEAL.”
“You promise?”
“Yeah!!”
“Super promise?”
“Of course!!!!”
“Super duper promise?”
Bonnie flaps their arms. “You gotta tell me right now or I’m gonna explode!!!!!”
Loop looks left and right, conspiratorial, before beckoning them close enough to whisper in their ear. “...I can still glow a little.”
“What!!!!!”
“Shh!!”
“Ahem!” Boniface clears their throat. “Ahem, hem. Of course what I meant was: forsooth, how doth you, um. Glow?”
Wow, they really have been going to school. Loop’s mouth ticks up. They might not be the real Boniface, but they’re still way too cute. “Okayyyy, okay. You wore me down! I can’t hold out any longer! I have no choice but to confess!”
“Yeah,” Bonnie agrees, scowling fiercely.
“Okay, check this out.” Loop scoops a fistful of dust from the ground beside their bedroll and holds it in front of their nose. Their eyes scrunch. Their face puckers—
—and they sneeze a spray of sparks into their palm.
Bonnie’s eyes light up. “What!! What!!!! You sneeze light?????”
“Not always,” Loop explains. They still don’t really understand why it happens. It’s not as though the Universe ever deigned to explain. “And don’t tell anyone! It’s our secret, okay?”
“But why!!! It’s cool!!!!!”
“Haha, well. Sometimes people don’t like things that are cool.”
“But it’s shiny!!!!”
Loop smiles wryly. “Sometimes people don’t even like things that are shiny.”
Bonnie’s shoulders sag a little. “But that’s… That stinks.”
(Do NOT make Bonnie sad.) “Oh, no, i-it’s not bad! It’s, um, cool! Like having superpowers! Or a secret identity or something!”
“It is bad!” Bonnie snaps back at them. “People are so stupid!! I think your sparks are cool!!!”
For a second, Loop almost forgets to laugh. “Haha! Well, I commend your exemplary taste. But there’s no need to worry about me, Bonb– Boniface. I’m doing just fine!”
Bonnie frowns at them. “Frin says that sometimes.”
The nickname nearly knocks the smile off their face. “...Is that right.”
“But usually only when they’re not.”
“Well. I wouldn’t think too hard about it. Siffrin is pretty stupid.”
“You’re his friend, though.”
(…Are they?) “Of course!”
“So maybe you’re stupid too.”
Loop chokes on a laugh. “Has anyone ever told you that you’re sort of scary-smart?”
“No,” Bonnie says promptly. “Mostly they say I have learning disabrilties. ‘Cause my brain is bad at words.”
“Well,” Loop tells them, confidential. “Don’t tell your sister, but between you and me… I think the people who say that might be even stupider than me.”
“Pffft— You can’t say that about teachers!! They’re in charge!!!”
“Not of me, they’re not.”
Bonnie stares for a second before breaking into a radiant, gap-toothed smile. “You’re cool, Loop.”
“I— Ah?” For the first time in several lifetimes, Loop finds themself at a loss for words.
“It’s okay!” Bonnie says generously. “Frin doesn’t know what to do when people are nice to them either. You don’t hafta say anything. You can just know you’re cool and not even say anything.”
Not as cool as YOU! That’s what they could have said. But of course it’s always already too late. “Um…”
“I’ll leave you alone!!” Bonnie shouts in their face. “Cause Nille says I’m bossy which is a strenth but sometimes means I have to give people space so they can decide if they wanna keep hanging out or not! But I’m glad you came back!! ‘Cause Frin and Za are all gross and lame now, so it’s cool to have someone cool!!”
“H-Haha. Well. I’ll… try to meet your expectations?”
“You don’t hafta worry ‘bout that,” Bonnie scoffs. “You already sneezed glitter.”
* * *
When the party meets Madame Odile at the crossing, she looks at Loop very, very closely. She shakes their hand politely enough. But she doesn’t approach them directly until later, after the Fighter’s already turned in for the night and Boniface is fast asleep.
“Loop,” she greets them. “I wasn’t sure you’d want to discuss it in front of everyone, but I wanted to tell you that I’m very glad to see you again. I’d been hoping for a chance to give you my thanks. I know I was a bit, ah, preoccupied when last we met… But it seems we owe you a great debt. Siffrin’s life, for one. Not to mention the state of our physical world.”
Loop bites back a sigh and readies the usual spiel. Haha, yes, that’s me! Eternally helpful etcetera etcetera! I can see that you’ve noticed the new look; would you believe, it’s actually a very funny story—
“And Siffrin,” Odile says levelly. She doesn’t look away. “It seems we owe you an apology.”
Loop chokes. “Aha? Haha, um… I think you’ve… perhaps… mistaken me for someone? H-Haha, ah… Maybe in your old age, your eyes have finally—“
“She knows,” Sif blurts out, from across the fire. “Sorry. I had to tell her. She’d already mostly figured it out.”
“Not when it might have counted,” Odile says ruefully.
“Which would be….?”
Odile looks at them like they’re stupid. “Obviously, when it still could have saved you.”
OHHHkay. Hahaha, okay!! So they’re just going to talk about that!!! She’s just going to look at them with remorse in her eyes, and regret, like she can actually see them!! Like she thinks it’s not their own blinding fault that everything went—
“…Siffrin?”
“Don’t call me that.” That’s someone else now.
“Of course. I’m sorry.”
“It’s fine.”
She quirks an eyebrow. “Hmh. Well. I think it probably isn’t.”
“What do you know?” S— Loop snaps. “No, let me guess. Because you’re old, you think you must be wise? Well, I do hate to be the one to tell you this, but I’m afraid that’s just not how it works. I would know.”
“Of course,” she says again, backing off. “I’m sorry.”
“You have no idea what you’re talking about.”
“I know.”
“And I don’t want anyone’s apologies. It’s not like there’s anything any of you could have done.”
“Hmh,” she says. Probably thinks she’s being diplomatic. Maybe she would be, if she were talking to someone as stupid as Siffrin.
“And I’m not—” The words lodge in their throat. Loop is seized by the violent urge to take a deep breath, but just thinking about it makes them want to peel their skin off.
They can feel Odile’s eyes on them, assessing. “...What was she like?”
“Wh-What?”
“Me,” she explains. “The one that you knew.”
...Oh. “Different,” Loop admits. “And… the same? You—or. She never figured it out, like you did. But I think maybe she might’ve. If I’d been less—” Weak. Spineless. Pathetic.
“Tch,” Odile scoffs. “Doesn’t matter what she might have done, if she didn’t.”
Loop blinks.
For once in her life, Odile actually looks embarrassed. “Ah. My apologies. I only mean that… I’m sorry that I was so useless.”
She startles when Loop barks a laugh. “You—haha!!! Hahaha!!!! You’re sorry! For being useless!!! That’s—no, no, it’s very funny!!”
Because their Odile could have been plenty useful, if they hadn’t been such a blinding coward. If they’d trusted her enough to let her in. But they didn’t, and now the Odile that Loop loved is gone. She needed them and S— Loop couldn’t take the heat. They gave up. They left her behind.
“I’m not sure I get the joke,” Odile says quietly.
“Well! It’s not exactly your strong suit, is it!”
Madame Odile studies their face, frowning. Then, disconcertingly, her gaze flicks toward Siffrin.
“Don’t look at them,” Loop snarls. Instinct thuds in their ears, take it back take it back TAKE IT BACK—
—but they won’t. What would be the point?
“Did you think we’d be the same?” they ask, sneering. Contempt dripping from every word like blood from the tip of a blade. “That you’d have one more cute little Siffrin tiptoeing around, hiding and crying and lying to people? Well! I’m ever so sorry to disappoint, but I think you’ll find otherwise. Oh, but don't get the wrong idea! It's not just me, teehee! We're both soooo~ much worse than you think."
“…Is that right.”
In another life, Loop let the King squeeze Bonnie into bloody pulp. They let the King throw Mira around like a ragdoll. They lied and lied and lied till they were sick with it, till their throat scorched black and their tongue dripped silver. They smiled and let her die and die and die.
“It really is!” They flash a bright, brittle smile. “How many times do you think I let you die, Madame? Would you like to take a guess?”
“I would not.”
“Too easy? I’ll try another, then. How many times do you think I killed you?”
She doesn’t flinch. Every muscle in her body deliberately Doesn’t Flinch. “...Loop.”
“Madame~?”
“I like your jewelry.”
“I—um?”
“Did you make it yourself?”
“I… did, yes.” When Loop finally clawed their way out of the sea, they had every intention of lying there until they died. But it wasn’t long before they were found. Apparently they’d washed ashore just a stone’s throw from a beachcomber’s hut: an artisan whose dilapidated hovel glittered with gleaming fusions of glass and stone and rusted steel.
Loop’s savior never spoke. Maybe they couldn’t. But their quick, clever hands could turn the ugliest, most disintegrating flotsam into inimitable treasures.
“Impressive.” Madame Odile says coolly, nodding. “Siffrin never had the knack for that sort of thing. Carving wood with physical tools is one thing, but mixing media? And across different Craft types, no less? That’s very advanced Crafting.”
“I—ah? Or, I mean… it’s not like it’s hard…”
“You may just have the knack,” Odile informs them. “Not everyone does. It’s a valuable skill, nonetheless.”
“R-Right.”
Madame Odile yawns. “Forgive me. I’m too old to be up this late. But I’ll see you tomorrow, I expect. And, ah—I suspect you don’t care to hear this sort of thing, but—I really am grateful. Truly.”
And before they can even begin to consider their reply, she’s vanished into her tent.
*
* *
* * *
Have you heard this one before? A Traveler walks into a House. Says, Housemaiden, I'm depressed. I can't find the joy in anything. I can't connect with people. I can’t feel ANYTHING. I can't eat, I can't sleep. No, I mean, literally, it’s been eons since I slept. The insides of my eyelids are brighter than the sun. It’s like a fireworks show in here.
Housemaiden says, You should talk to the Savior of Vaugarde. They’re soooo cute and special and pretty and perfect and everyone loves them no matter how many times they ruin everything by being a stupid little freak who can’t even talk right. I bet they could give you some advice!
The Traveler puts their head in their hands and laughs and laughs and laughs and laughs and laughs. Says, But Housemaiden! I -am- the Savior of Vaugarde!!!!
Aaa~nyway, they kill her and eat her heart. And would you believe? It doesn’t make them feel anything!!!!!!
[you’re fine you’re fine you’re fine you’re—]
—fine. You’re totally fine. It’s a clear, bright morning, the breeze brisk and playful, and walking into Dormont doesn’t make you feel sick. The smell of flowers and pastries and juniper doesn’t make you want to vomit. The spiraled roof and crenelled towers of the House don’t turn your breakfast to stone in your stomach. Looking down the path through the trees doesn’t make you want to pull your spine out through your mouth. You’re fine.
Why wouldn’t you be? Just because you abandoned this place? Just because it killed you? No. No. You’re toooo~tally fine. You’re being so normal about this.
A few steps from the House’s gate, Siffrin jerks his hand out of the Fighter’s and throws up. Pathetic. You step into their line of sight to make sure they can see you roll your eyes. They were always soooo~ sensitive.
* * *
Siffrin refuses to enter the House, because they’re a delicate flower who insists on making their damage everyone else’s problem. Loop, of course, never had that privilege.
* * *
“Ugh!” Mirabelle huffs, scowling down at her pottery wheel. “I’ve ruined it again! Siffrin, would you—”
She stops short.
“I-I’m so sorry!!” she squeaks, one hand flying to her mouth. “I meant Loop, of course!! Sorry!! That was so rude; I promise I wasn’t thinking of someone else, it’s just that you… remind me of them, sometimes? N-Not because you’re from the same country! The King was, too, and he felt very very different!! The two of you just… feel sort of similar, is all. The way you take up space, and… the things that catch your eye… It’s almost like you’re—” She shakes her head vigorously. “Ohh, never mind!! I know it doesn’t make any sense!! ”
To Loop’s horror, they can feel their eyes start to itch. Oh, Stars. It’s the worst thing imaginable. They absolutely cannot cry.
“Oh, no, I didn’t mean— I-I’m so sorry!!!” Mira’s hands flit toward them before landing in her lap. “I shouldn’t have said anything; I didn’t mean to make things even worse, I— Do you want a, a… cup of tea? Or some cookies?”
Don’t worry! Loop tries to tell her. I’m completely fine, haha! No problems here! I’m probably just allergic to ceramics!!!! Unfortunately, the best they can manage is, “No Thank You.”
“I—!!” Mirabelle squares her jaw, both hands clenching in the fabric of her skirt. “Loop. Is there, maybe, some way I can help you? I know you don’t think much of us, but we owe you so much!!”
Loop looks away. “You… think I don’t think much of you.”
“Oh. W-Well, um. We… never saw you again, after you helped us save Siffrin. And they’d go quiet anytime we tried to ask about you, so I—I wasn’t sure if—”
“Mira,” Loop says. They take a moment to collect their thoughts. “...Mirabelle.”
“Y-Yes?”
“That’s not a very reliable gauge for what someone thinks of you.”
Mira’s eyes widen.
“For all you know, I might’ve thought the world of you,” they go on, uncharacteristically reckless. “Anyone might. People disappear all the time! They hide, or they die, or they… go somewhere else. It doesn’t mean they never cared. It only means that they cared about something else, too. Or they cared a little too much. Or they’re dead, teehee!”
Mirabelle pulls out a handkerchief and dabs at her nose. “I-I’m sorry… I know you’re only here for our sakes, and now I’m being nothing but trouble…”
Um. What? “I’m here for what?”
“W-Well, um… I guess I thought you’d come to visit because Siffrin told you how upset we were, after you disappeared? Because you saved us—saved everyone—and then we couldn’t even thank you?”
“…What?”
Mira blinks at them, her disorientation mirroring their own. “Which part are you confused by…?”
For the first time in several eternities, Loop lifts a hand to their chest. They take a deep breath in, and out. “H-Haha. I guess, all of it? I certainly didn’t save anyone. Much less everyone.”
“But you did!!!”
“Uh…”
Mira’s eyes widen. “Ohhh,” she gasps, “I see. You don’t like that, do you?”
“—Um?”
“People giving you compliments and things. Praising the things you accomplished, as though you were some sort of storybook hero. When you know that what happened was much less heroic, and much more… accidental. Embarrassing.”
Oh. Huh. Loop had never thought about it in so many words. Probably because no one's ever tried to give them a compliment. But now that she mentions it... yeah. Maybe they can sort of relate.
“I’m sorry,” Mira says again, looking despondent. She slaps both palms against her cheeks. “Sorry!! I won’t do it again!! You just want to feel normal, right? So let’s—let’s Craft some clay!”
“If you’re sure,” Loop says faintly. (Calm down. You’re freaking her out. For once in your life just BE NORMAL.) “…But don’t take it personally if I turn out to be pretty good at this. I have it on high authority that I may have something of a knack.”
* * *
They keep it together for the rest of the afternoon. They finish Crafting their vase and help Mirabelle patch the weak points on hers, smoothing rough edges and pressing air pockets so it won’t shatter in the kiln.
They make it all the way to the bathroom before their smile drops.
The bathroom’s undergone some renovations since the last time they broke down here. Now tiny clay figures dance over the sink, and childish painted murals adorn the doors. A little Change God stands guard over each stall: waving its clumsy arms, kicking its stumpy legs. Its eyes are obscured, its expression unreadable. Its face is laughing. Leering. Mocking. What does it see when it looks at them? A memory? A means to an end? Or only a ghost?
Loop reaches out and takes it in their hands. The Craft that animates it makes it squirm like a worm on a hook. Loop doesn’t pity it. It’s only fair. The Change God never pitied them, either.
“Was it fun?” they whisper, as they squeeze. “Did you have fun? What about now? Are you having fun yet?”
Wet clay oozes between their fingers. The statue twitches and jerks. Loop’s chest feels hot. Their skull hums like a nest of wasps. Lumpy paper swollen with stinging hate.
“I’m having fun,” they tell the wriggling godling, smiling wide. They can’t even tell if they’re lying. To make the distinction, they’d probably need something to compare it to.
The wriggling slows. The heat of Craft fades as the statue goes limp in their hands.
Loop opens their palms. There’s no god there anymore. Only dead, lifeless clay.
They flick open the lock and shoulder through the door.
Outside the stall, there’s someone waiting. Watching. Staring straight at them.
Loop flinches. The stranger looks familiar, but also not. Like maybe Loop’s seen them before, but only in a dream.
—Claude. That’s who it is. Mirabelle’s roommate, Claude. (And who says they don’t have a good memory!)
Claude narrows her eyes. “…Did you just mulch that statue?”
Loop looks down at their hands, crusted with molten clay.
“People work hard on those,” Claude informs them.
Loop has already used up all their willpower for the day. They don’t have the strength to stop themself rolling their eyes. “People work hard on lots of things.”
Her eyebrows go up. “I could report you.”
“Please do,” Loop spits; and in one fluid movement, they’ve whirled around and flung themself out the bathroom window.
They’re three stories up, but they’re not worried about the fall. Worst-case scenario, they’ll drive their blades into the mortar and grind to a halt before they splat on the ground. Best-case, they die on impact.
[You dreamed you were being eaten alive. You can still feel the crunch and grind of tearing cartilage. The way the sinews stretch before they snap.]
Siffrin is fishing by the river. Just looking at the rod in their hands makes Loop want to throw up. They snapped that rod in half once. Tore it out of the fisherperson’s hands and broke it clean over their knee. And then they threw it in the river. And then then jumped in after it.
It’s not just the total futility of it all. It’s the whole process. Catching a thrashing, squirming being in your hands and squeezing the life out of it. Aligning your blade with the seam of its gills, just behind the thrum of its throat. Staring into those gaping eyes, that gulping mouth as you press down hard and harder. Careful, now! If you hit the angle wrong, you’ll miss the artery entirely! It’ll take ages to die! Minutes that stretch into eternities. Gasping, gulping, choking on the hot slick slurry of your own black blood.
Loop shudders. “…I can’t believe you can still touch that thing.”
Siffrin hums thoughtfully. “I think it’s the only thing that never got worse.”
“Ew. Or, I mean. Can’t relate.”
“Well,” Siffrin says. “We were always pretty different.” They flick the rod expertly, sending the fly dancing over the surface. “How’s Mira?”
“She recognized me.”
That gets their attention. “She what?”
“Not specifically,” Loop admits. “But. She said I felt… familiar. Like…” The words lodge in their throat. It doesn’t matter. Siffrin knows what they mean.
“…Hm.”
“Aw,” Loop purrs, mocking. “Does that scare you? Is it scary, to know that you could be so easily replaced?”
“No,” Siffrin says right away. “I guess I feel… relieved?”
(…What?) “Why.”
“I wasn’t sure they’d know me,” Siffrin shrugs. “You, I mean. Us. I wasn’t sure they’d even want to, if we were being… less careful.”
Loop bristles. “I’m more careful than you could ever imagine.”
“No, you’re not.”
Yeah, no, they’re really not.
“So it’s… comforting,” Siffrin shrugs. “To think they’d still like us, even if we were—“
“What? A failure? A ghost? A pathetic piece of work?”
“Well. Yeah.”
Loop squawks a laugh. “Well!! Aren’t you the lucky one!! Even if you wind up as disgusting as me, your friends will still love you! Isn’t that nice!!”
“Yeah,” Siffrin says. “It really is.” They shift their weight, thoughtful, and then seem to remember something. “Oh, yeah. I’ve been meaning to ask you something.”
Loop rolls their eyes, but they don’t not listen.
“Why won’t you talk to Isa?”
Loop fails to suppress a flinch.
“He keeps asking,” Siffrin explains. “And I don’t know how to answer. But it’s getting harder to not-answer. I’m… not a very good liar.”
“…Is that right.”
“I’m an okay liar,” Siffrin concedes. “It just—feels bad.”
Loop is very much aware of that, yes.
“He just wants you to like him,” Siffrin says quietly.
“Be reasonable.”
“It’s hurting his feelings, I think.”
“Good,” Loop says coldly. They hope it does. It doesn’t even come close to evening the score.
Siffrin opens their mouth to argue and then just—shrugs, instead. “It’s your life.”
[You dreamed you were alone. You dreamed you were alone. You dreamed you were alone. You dreamed you were—]
—having a nightmare. You know it’s a nightmare because it’s the same one you have every night. You’re standing under a tree, looking at the man you love. He can’t be more than an armslength away. If you stepped out of the shadows, he would see you.
But he wouldn’t know you.
You watch him think of you. You watch him think of what to say to you. You watch him lose himself to heady daydreams. (This is not a metaphor. Subtlety is not his strong suit. The man you love is very obvious.)
You watch yourself approach him. You are short and strange and awkward. You are hiding and lying and you’re so, so, so-so-so-so stupid. The man you love loves you anyway, because he’s stupid, too.
“Isa!”
“Sif!!!” he shouts, when he sees you. “I was just looking at this Favor Tree!! Isn’t it cool!!!”
“Yeah,” you say slyly. “You might say it’s a pretty… TREE-mendous tree.”
Ha ha!! Ha ha ha!!!!! What a stupid blinding joke!!! It’s almost like your pathetic sense of humor wasn’t what won him in the first place!!! Almost like, all along, he was laughing along because he loved you!!!
Not that it matters now. The tree is in the past. The man is in the past. Your future is in the past. Everything you love was meant for someone else. There’s nothing left for you.
*
* *
* * *
Loop jerks awake. The dark is intractable. Undisturbed by any snore or snuffling wheeze. They are utterly alone.
Siffrin begged them to sleep in the Clocktower with everyone else. They even offered to sleep on the ground so Loop could have a whole bed to themself. But Loop wouldn’t budge. How could they? The thought made them physically sick.
They twist out of their bedroll and onto their feet in one smooth motion. They don’t know where they’re going, but they do know that if they have to lie here, alone with their thoughts, for a single second longer, it is actually going to kill them. So—getting up! Getting moving! One foot in front of the other! If they walk fast enough, maybe they can outrun an eternity of unrelenting dread!!!
They don’t have anywhere to go, so they just—go. They just walk. Anywhere would be better than here.
* * *
Their feet take them to the Tree. Probably because it’s the closest thing they still have to a home. (And isn’t that just the saddest thing you’ve ever heard!!!!!)
They stand at the foot of the trunk and look up at the canopy. Thick strong boughs and wide, glossy leaves framing little windows to the starry void beyond. Idly, without any real urgency, they imagine setting it on fire. It would be easy. They don’t even need flint or tinder, now that their lungs crackle with swallowed stars. All they’d need is a bit of kindling, some pine cones or dry needles, and they could reduce this place to ash.
—A twig snaps.
Loop’s stance stiffens, then hardens. They know that gait. The slow, careful breath before each heavy clumsy footfall. No one sounds more obvious than a great stupid oaf of a Fighter trying to be discreet.
Maybe he won’t notice them. They could make sure he wouldn’t, if they wanted. Loop knows how to disappear. But they’re tired of going unseen.
“…Can’t sleep?”
The Fighter startles so violently that he nearly keels over backwards. Loop could catch him by the elbow, if they wanted. Steady him; help him catch his balance.
They don’t move.
“W-Woah!!” the Fighter gasps. “Haha, whoa! Um… Loop? That’s you, right? Wow, you are really quiet! I totally didn’t see you there at all!!”
Yes, well, what else is new. “I’d expect nothing less, teehee! You’re not exactly observant.”
“Oh. Haha, um, yeah. I guess not.” Siffrin’s Fighter shifts his weight, uneasy. “ Um… Loop?”
“That’s what they call me!!!”
“Did I… do something wrong?”
Loop stiffens.
“Like… I don’t know. Step on your feelings, somehow? It just feels like you… maybe sort of don’t like me? Which is fine!!” he rushes to clarify. “Not everyone has to like me!! It’s just… if it’s something I did, I could… make sure I don’t do it again?”
Loop almost hits him. They want to. They want to grab him by the collar and shake him. To throw him back against the trunk of the Tree and shove into his space until he can’t not see them. They can see the angry thrum of his pulse in his throat and they want to trap it under their thumb. To close the space and feel his heartrate spike. For months they had to watch themself stand in front of him, wanting and wanting and doing nothing, knowing all the while that if it was them, they wouldn’t just stand there, wanting. They’d take him apart with their hands. They’d eat him alive.
“...Loop?”
“Siffrin,” Loop grates out, an ugly scrape of sound. “Sif. Before I killed myself, that’s what you—all of you used to call me.”
“Wh-What?” the Fighter asks, baffled. “What does that even—”
“But that doesn’t matter now!!!!" Loop shouts, grinning wildly. "He’s dead now!! Now there’s only me!!!!”
“I—I don’t understand. I just saw Sif? Th-They’re totally fine!“
Loop rolls their eyes theatrically. “Ugh. Weren’t you supposed to be smart now? Not your Siffrin, obviously. I obviously meant another Siffrin.”
“But—what? What do you… How would that even work?”
A molten sort of hunger comes over them. Loop flashes a glittering smile. “Isn’t it obvious? ~I’m~ what happens when you don’t save me! When you just let me die!!”
“N-No,” the Fighter mumbles.
“Y-Yeah, actually,” they stammer, mocking. Throwing his pathetic stutter right back in his face.
“No, but… Come on. No way. Sif would’ve said something!”
“Oh, because you can definitely count on Siffrin to tell you anything that matters.”
The Fighter has the gall to look offended. “Hey!! They’re honest about important stuff!!”
“I am literally telling you that we are not!!!”
Isabeau shrinks a little. “B-But— But that’s not possible. It doesn’t make any—”
“Then how do I know them?” Siffrin snarls. “How do I know everything about them? Why do I blinding hate you?”
“I don’t…” Isabeau trails off. They can see him starting to wrap his mind around it. Blood cooling, stance wilting. “You… Are you telling the truth?”
“What do you think.”
His shoulders slump a little. “You… killed yourself?”
“Your Sif tried to break the world,” Loop says scornfully. “I think we can all agree on who’s the more well-adjusted.”
Isabeau staggers back. They can see him getting ready to freak out.
“Nope!!” they shrill. “Not allowed!! This is mine!! You weren’t even there!! Besides, you already saved your Sif! So clearly I wasn’t worth saving!! Or were you just holding out for the new model?”
“That’s not—”
Bile sours in their stomach. Steel screams in their veins. Their blood burns with the absolute assurance of what will hurt him the most.
“Do you want to know the truth?” Loop asks sweetly. “If you must know… I hate you! I always hated you. You had everything. Everything!! A home, a family, friends… and still you were dissatisfied? I mean!! Talk about entitled!!”
“I— What? I never said—”
“But you di~id! To every version of me! Even the pathetic rotten failures, teehee! You shared all your ugliest, stupidest hang-ups and guess what? They were all soooo~ lame! Barely an inconvenience! Baby-school trauma for babies!!! It's no wonder you couldn't save me, teehee… You were way, way, way out of your league!”
Isabeau just stares.
Loop’s fists clench. They wish he would get angry. This would be so much more satisfying if he would lash out already. Throw them back against the Tree and snap their brittle neck. But instead he just keeps standing there, looking devastated.
“Ugh,” Loop spits. “This is pointless. You’re pointless. I’m done.”
“L— Sif!!” Isabeau yelps, and that’s the last blinding straw. Loop tucks their head and bolts.
* * *
Isabeau tries to chase after them, but he’s big and slow and Loop can reach terminal velocity in about three seconds from a standstill. He might as well have tried to catch the wind.
They don’t slow down until they reach the field.
Then they cry.
(The cruelest thing is this: If there was no Siffrin in this world, Loop would be the one everyone loved. Loop would be the one who was difficult but loyal; high-maintenance and universally adored. Loop could have been the weird little freak who everyone considered worth the effort.
But Loop gave up. They gave their chance away. And now they’ve got what they deserved: absolutely nothing.)
What are they even doing here? Why would they come back? They knew what was waiting for them. There’s no space for them here, in this place, with these people. The understudy already took their place.
It’s all Siffrin’s fault. Siffrin the hero, leading their perfect shiny life surrounded by all their perfect shiny friends. Siffrin, who got everything they ever wanted and still demanded more. Siffrin wishing wishing wishing to see them again, yanking on Loop’s subconscious mind all day and night to make sure they could never, ever forget. To make sure they’d never be truly free.
…Maybe they’ll just leave. Without telling anyone, without leaving a note. That would show them, wouldn’t it? Siffrin would be so blinding pathetic about it. So hurt and confused. Almost as hurt and confused as Isa, when he found out that his precious little Siffrin could turn into something like this. Something ugly, broken, hateful. Living spite, made manifest. A ghost haunting their own blinding life.
There’s a rustle from the bushes. Light, uncertain footfalls. Loop stiffens. There’s someone coming up the path. Not Isabeau. Not Siffrin, either. A stranger?
From the shadows, someone clears their throat. “Um—”
They don’t get the chance to say anything else. Loop already has the jagged teeth of their knife pressed tight against their throat. “Who are you? What do you want???”
“I’d let go if I were you,” the stranger says coolly. “Unless you want to lose that hand.”
“You wish,” Loop spits. “You’re out of your league.”
“Bet?”
Against their better judgment, Loop can feel themself starting to smile. It’s strangely comforting to be on the receiving end of a threat, for a change. Talking to someone who doesn’t quiver and quail and bend over backwards to accommodate their every demand.
Loop flits backwards, out of slashing range. Probably Siffrin would land in a fighting stance, but Loop is above that sort of petty, childish showmanship. They don’t need a lot of posturing just to kill someone. “What do you want?”
“I heard crying.”
Oh. Was Loop crying? They didn’t notice. Though now that they think of it, their vision does seem a little blurry. “So?”
“Are you stupid or something? So I thought someone might need help. Obviously.”
Hm. That voice isn’t entirely unfamiliar, is it? It feels like Loop might have heard it before. Possibly recently.
—Oh. “Claude,” Loop realizes.
The stranger’s eyes narrow. “So what if I am?”
“Mira’s roommate, Claude.”
“Oh. You’re with the Saviors.”
“I’m not,” Loop snarls. (STOP IT, calm down, you’re going to scare her. Just apologize and run. Say something conciliatory and disappear, like every other—)
“Change,” Claude swears grumpily. “Sorry for breathing, I’m sure. I know you’re lying, anyway. I saw you show up with the Saviors. I’m not gonna act like I didn’t.”
…Oh. She… really isn’t scared, is she? “I—um. Traveled with them, I guess. For a little. I’m not with them.”
“I wasn’t asking if you all made crabbing friendship bracelets,” Claude huffs. “I just meant you’re not from here. What’s your damage, anyway? Why are acting like that?”
Loop chokes on a laugh. Wow, she really isn’t scared. “…Lifestyle choice?”
“Kind of a shitty one.”
“Like you’re one to judge.”
“Takes one to know one,” Claude says coolly.
Hah!! “Well. I’m sure you were really looking forward to swooping in to save some pathetic little loser, but I’m afraid I’ll have to disappoint you. I’m doing great, actually. Just… out on a walk.”
“Uh huh.”
Why do they feel so defensive about this? “Sometimes I can’t sleep! Is there a law against that? Is it illegal to go for a walk?”
“It’s not illegal to go for a walk.”
“Well! What a relief! Then it seems like you have no justifiable cause to follow me around, harassing me!”
Claude snorts. “Wow. Okay, now I know you’re not with the Saviors. Those guys are way too sensitive for this kinda thing. And too sanctimonious for all that… you know. Lying.”
“Shows what you know,” Loop sniffs. “They’re not half as righteous as they’d like you to think.”
(But even so… She’s right, isn’t she? Siffrin would hate getting talked to like this. For a party of powerful warriors, the gang was awfully terrified by confrontation. Fighting Sadnesses is one thing, but fighting with each other? You couldn’t pay them enough.)
Claude gives Loop a flat stare. “For someone who’s not with the saviors, you sure act like you know them.”
“Well!” Loop says brightly. “W-Well!!! What if I told you that I used to be with them! For long enough to know them better than they know themselves!”
“I’d say you were full of shit.”
“Shows what you know!!!” Loop practically screams. “You have no idea what you’re talking about!!!”
“So tell me.”
* * *
Somehow, the whole story comes pouring out of them, in fits and starts and halting, hysterical gasps. Another life, another world. Another Wish. Another Mirabelle, abandoned to her fate. Another pathetic blinding failure of a Savior.
Claude listens, nodding. Then she says, “The King.”
“I’m familiar.”
“I wanted to be the one who beat him. The one Euph— The Head Housemaiden chose. I’m not saying I was right,” she adds, defensive. “Mirabelle is a marvel. There might be no one else who could do what she did. But I— I still wanted it to be me.”
Loop blinks.
“Mirabelle was… the right choice, probably,” Claude concedes. “Better suited. She’s got the right constitution, or whatever. No one could have done it alone. And I’m— I don’t know if I could have recruited like she did. Going around making friends and things. People don’t like me,” she explains. “People love Mirabelle.”
“I like you,” Loop hears themself say.
“Oh.” Claude stares for a beat, unblinking. “Really?”
“Yes.” They’re 90% sure that it’s not even a lie. When’s the last time they could say that?
“Oh. Well, um. Thanks. But I think you might have sort of bad taste. And maybe a bad personality.”
Loop sputters a laugh. “Haha!!! Yeah! I get that a lot.”
“Really?”
“No.” Most people are too scared to say it. “I should, though.”
Claude nods. She can understand that. “But I never got the chance. I couldn’t save everyone. I couldn’t even save anyone.”
“...How do you live with it?”
Claude shrugs. “Eat. Sleep. Don’t die.”
…Right.
“You should probably get out of here, though.”
Loop raises an eyebrow. “Are you throwing me out?”
“Are you actually stupid? Or are you just being difficult?”
(Hah!!!) “I’m being difficult.”
Claude rolls her eyes. “I just mean… You can’t step out of someone’s shadow if you’re still walking side-by-side. You gotta do your own thing.”
“And if I can’t?”
“Then you can’t.”
“And if it kills me?”
“Then you die,” she shrugs. “Isn’t that what you said you wanted?”
Wow. Mirabelle’s roommate is… actually cool? “I think you could have done it,” Loop finds themself saying. “If you’d been the one Chosen. I think you could have beat the King. You just didn’t get the chance.”
Claude stares at them for a moment before her mouth ticks up. “Hah. Yeah. Maybe. No way to know now, huh? We just hafta go from here.”
*
* *
* * *
At the outskirts of town, a blot of stillness catches Loop’s eye. The absolute absence of movement. A hole in the dark, black against the surrounding gray.
“I told you,” Loop says coldly. “You’re not sneaky.”
Siffrin huffs a quiet laugh.
Loop eyes them warily. Even now, Siffrin has almost no presence. Almost like Loop is the one who survived, and they're the one who's dead.
For once, Siffrin is first to break the silence. “Running away from home again?”
“You are not my home,” they can’t help snapping. “But, well. I suppose so. Why not? After all, it went so well the last time.”
Siffrin chokes on a laugh. Then the smile drops. “I don’t want you to go.”
“I should hope not! I’m excellent company.”
Siffrin looks unconvinced.
“But there comes a time in every beautiful traveler’s life when they must shake off the bonds that hold them back and move on to bigger and better things! Forge their own path; digest their own trauma, etcetera and so forth! Maybe I’ll wind up even more famous than you!!”
Siffrin frowns. “…If you’re really leaving, can I ask a favor?”
“You can ask.”
“Can you tell me the truth?”
Ugh. “Fiiiine. I can’t stay because I—I can’t be here without— Without wanting my—” Their throat closes over the words. Fortunately, Siffrin isn’t so stupid that they can’t connect the dots. (My friends back. My life back. Everything that was supposed to be mine.)
Siffrin gives them a plaintive look. “We could share..:”
“Aw, stardust,” Loop laughs. Not a fake laugh. “Two people can’t be the same person. Anyway, we already aren’t.”
“...I know.”
This world’s Siffrin is the source of all of their problems. The root of all their suffering. So why does it make them so sad to see his shoulders droop?
“I’ll come back,” they hear themself mutter, grudging. “I won’t be gone forever. I wouldn’t—”
Loop falls silent. They know that they’re both thinking of the same scrap of paper, crumpled on the library floor.
“I won’t be gone forever,” they say again; only this time, they say it like a Wish. Like they can make it true just by wanting it. “I won’t disappear. I just—can’t be here. Yet.”
“I’m sorry,” Siffrin whispers.
“We all had our roles,” Loop shrugs. “You just got a better one.”
“But— But what if I never find you? What if we never—”
“We’re family,” Loop tells them firmly. A different kind of family. Not the kind you choose—the one you’re saddled with, by blood and bone, whether you wanted it or not. “Aww~~ Don’t worry, stardust. We’re bonded, aren’t we? You know I’ll always find you.”
“If you even want to,” Siffrin mumbles.
“Stars, how are you still such a brat!!! I’ll find you when I find you! Okay? You don’t get to control this! Just let there be one blinding choice that’s mine!”
Siffrin takes a breath. They let it out. “…Okay.”
“Okay?”
“Okay,” they say again. “You can be in charge. But you have to tell me everything, next time. How you came back, and… everything else. Because we’re family.”
Loop can’t stop themself from smiling. It’s just that—it’s all so unfair. They way Siffrin always gets what he wants, and… the way they can’t help loving him anyway. “Yeah. Okay. I promise.”
Before vanishing from sight, Loop glances over their shoulder. “Stardust?”
“Loop.”
“How do you get used to it?”
Siffrin tilts their head. To what?
“The not-knowing.”
“Hah,” Siffrin huffs softly. “If you find out, write me a letter. I’d really like to find out.”
[You dreamed you were alive.]
Did you know that hamsters eat their young? If you stress out a nursing mother—leave her out in an earthquake, or make too much noise around her tank—she’ll eat her pups alive. You’ll open the lid to find her nest stained black with blood. The half-eaten husks of her children, their claws and bones and hindpaws shriveled-pink and lifeless. It isn’t malice. It’s pragmatism. We can’t survive this threat, she’s saying. We must recoup these resources. Some of us, any of us, have to survive.
Wish Craft can’t hear your words. It only knows the Wish inside your heart. Loop ran away, but they never gave up. They wanted to be free, but they didn’t want to lose. And besides! What’s a little cannibalism between friends! They are family, after all.
There are things that Siffrin wants, too. Things they want and can’t have, because they’ve sunk their roots into the present. Loop isn’t trapped like that. Loop can go where they please.
Off the coast to the north lies an island that Vaugarde forgot. A graveyard for the lost. A monument to stories long forgotten.
But Loop knows how it is to be forgotten.
They look to the sky. The stars have already started to fade, making way for the brilliant flare of dawn. Loop runs a few calculations, cross-comparing the angles from the horizon to the Highstar and the sun.
They go north.
If you want, feel free to read the series in full here!
Or if you want for something a lil comfier, you're invited to this very cozy isa/sif side-story.
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