#My roommate

[somethingusefulfromflorida]

I think my roommate is an alien who has never interacted with a human kitchen before, but he's seen enough daytime TV to piece together some of the basics.

Food goes in the fridge mostly, but also sometimes out on the counter. He's not really sure what or for how long, so I regularly come home to day old pasta and hard boiled eggs just sitting out and attracting bugs.

Cleaning involves putting liquid on things and then taking the liquid away. That second part always seems to trip him up. You know how sometimes there's a hole in your garbage bag and some goo accumulates at the bottom of the can? His method of cleaning that goo is to pour in an inch or two of Fabuloso and then leave it like that. Don't pour it back out, just put a new bag in and let it be someone else's problem (re: mine). That's always a fun surprise, taking out the trash and having a stream of garbage soap drip down my leg.

He uses an oven mitt as a 2-in-1 dishwashing glove/sponge.

The concept of cabinets and drawers apparently confuse and frighten him, so he keeps most of his stuff inside the oven, the microwave, or MY sink-side drying rack; whenever I do my dishes I have to pile my shit on top of his.

He cooks all of his meals between 1 and 4 AM.

I feel like I'm in some weird psychological experiment. "How will he react if I keep paper towels in the sink? Will he say anything if I put potatoes in the freezer? Wax paper burns in the toaster, but what about tin foil? Surely, SURELY, he'll say something to my face if I wrap my bread in tinfoil before I toast it." Is there no line? He's not being actively hostile to me, I feel weird calling him out for any of this behavior...

[new-age-cassandra]

Things my Straight white cis male roommate says (the beginning of a series probably):

“why can’t there be straight women who look like lesbians. and why are all the semi decent dominant women lesbians”

“sometimes i want to be treated like a princess”

“I sit in my car and try to cry and it doesn’t happen”

“at least i'm not a sexist”

“i'm gonna get fucked up and i wanna kiss someone….consensually.”

“I was gonna say all my intrusive thoughts about big strong women carrying me but now I won’t”

(for a bit more context I am a butch lesbian and was randomly assigned to this man. His name is Chase, he loves musical theatre and Pokemon. He is my best friend and we have become a bonded pair.)

[mac-monsters]

My roommate as a vampire

[stevesherdaddynowlover]

hi slayster! idk what you think about savior complex steve but little jealous little cocky. he sees you getting hit on by a gross guy at a house party and he steps in pretending to be your bf to scare the creep away but then the two of you end up dancing and flirting all night. love you loads i just know you’d eat this down and i’ll be seated

omg hi oomf!! I LOVE THIS and actually will be adding this into the next long one shot instead of doing a blurb about it im excited I LOVE YOU BAD ill tell you about it tonight 😁💌

[vommiezombie]

they may be my biggest opp, but they can cook a mean banana bread i'll give them that.

[goodgoblinguy]

The @fawnnbinary set up

[aceing-on-the-cake]

"you've heard of big pharma right? Well big fruit snack is trying to rob me of my rightful gummies"

[danielsbackupglasses]

Haha you know what learning rubix cube gave me? Ra hand pain flare <3 i hate everything<3 i cannot do SHIT <3 haha <3 fuck this <3

[thatghostfella]

SONDER LORE DROP IN THIS ECONOMY😍😍😍😍😍😍💥💥 I am a winner!!!

I love my loser Brit we are the roommates to ever I don’t care what anyone says that mini session only confirmed it more

[qskeppy]

ok i need my laundry to get out of the washing machine so i can put it in the dryer and i need it to get out of the dryer so i can have a towel to go take a shower and also concurrently i need to eat but there's someone in the kitchen and i'm scared......

[somethingusefulfromflorida]

I'm moving out of my apartment tomorrow and I'm definitely not gonna miss my nocturnal roommate. It's 2 in the morning and he's making food in the kitchen, not even trying to ge quiet. Maybe I can get back into a normal sleep schedule now.

[thezenofbrokenbones]

"Neige"

[tattoosingarishhues]

In stardew valley you can eat mayonnaise.... In real life you can eat mayonnaise

[azurele]

“as far as i’m concerned, ryoko kui is a queer icon, right up there with madonna”

[theahole]

Sleepy Boy..

[imagedumping]