#Remember that Dracula contains thousands of things

[immediatebreakfast]

We have read the Demeter's situation as a horror movie, as an exhausting job that drains the crew, and as an inexplicable travel that should have been normal if it wasn't for Dracula going through the crew like snacks.

But there is one thing that I ask myself: Dracula is a noble, a wealthy man in a position of power, and the Demeter crew are working class people who just wants to do their as good as possible so they can get paid at the end of the day.

Could Dracula's attacks relate to class, and explotation of the poor at the hands of the rich?

Since it seems that our resident vampire is very confident in his non-existent ability to direct a cargo ship with all of his coffins by himself. Dracula is going through the Demeter crew like they are expendable, and they are to him! Just human blood bags that are discharged the second they finish their "unskilled labor" because how difficult it would be to steer a boat of wood?

Nevermind that Dracula has been living in seclusion for god know how long, and this is probably the first time in centuries he puts a foot on a boat.

The Demeter crew have been "serving" a wealthy person part of the noble class that they are never going to see. A boss squeezing every single drop of their labor for his benefit while putting them in subhuman conditions in which none of them can work properly. Dracula doesn't see nor care that is thanks to these sailors he is so close to England.

On top of that, in their job the Demeter crew have probably seen many of their coworkers die in their travels, only for them to end up as a statistic at the eyes of their employers.

The only people who will mourn the Demeter crew are their families, and they will not see a single coin of compensation for the labor that killed the crew.

[ecto-stone]

So I don’t really know that much about that my blood au you created could you tell me a bit about it?

Ha hah I Hope this is Edible

So My Blood Au is just Me dumping all the cool stuff i can think of into a DP what if Vlad is Good ^For Starter MB Vlad or Vladimir Jude Masters is a Paranormal investigater/ hunter/exocist in a sense. He seemingly Perfect in People eye, Not Really on the inside as he have many problem stem from living so long and going though alots of thing that he prefer not to talk about that he hide from People , go so far as to adjust his own emotion to what he find fit to the situration making him really hard to read. (Not Jack and Danielle, those are close enough 2 peel him like an onion if they sense something off). -Vlad And Danny are not same kind of Halfa in this AU, Vlad is Two soul (Half Blue Demon Vampire Ghost, Half Human twisted together and blend into one) and Danny is Soul within soul (Going though the accident give him two identical soul that over lapped each other) -Ghost are nerf and ecto beam and ecto Base attack can harm ghost but they can't harm Physical thing in living world Unless they are infuse with Core element same with Human entering Purgatory. -The world have 5 Realm: LivingWorld, Purgatory (GhostZone), Elsewhereness, Fairy Land and Unworld. +Going with the idea that originaly Vlad is supposed to be a vampire and many ghost in the series feel like they are more supernature creature then Ghost. Living world now have many Human and other Creature living among each other , hidden in plain sight +Purgatory: Where Ghost go and heal before they move onto Elsewhereness (Heaven in this verse) or Rebirth back to the living cycle. There are many area in Purgatory that fit human decription of after life look like , this is due to collective faith and ideal of many Ghost focus with each other to created these Resting stop. Incidentally like the living world these area are also watch over by being call King and Queen of the Death (Caretaker and protector of the Death soul, a being with incredible power capable of bending reality). Most well known one are the King Dark, Prince Argon and Princess Dora of the Dark Age Zone. Queen Desire of the thousand and one night. ect.. newest King of the death is Ghost Writer (library of the forgotten) but he prefer not be refer to as king, just Ghost writer. +Elsewhereness: The final resting Places of enternal Bliss. Once the Soul is ready to let go of all earthly desire, they are send here. Not much is known about this realm or it location. When a Soul reach enlightment it will automatically know where to find it. The realm also House many god. +Fairy Land: Home to care taker of the childhood inocent and many god that work to keep the universe running. Most common creature that live here is Fairy with two side one silly colorful side that appear to children to granted what ever their heart desire. The other is the Blue fortune side that Weaved the fabric of Luck and fate. +Unworld: A Dark realm with one way in no way out. It house many dangerous creature, ancient outer god and unspeakable Evil that have been banish to through age by god and human. >the Origin Story: +Vlad and Jack are Friend from Childhood (Their Bond are really tight kinda like Sworn Brother ) unlike their canon counter part meet in college. They Hunt Ghost but in more of a Release soul from their earthly bound kind of way via the info they get from the Masters Family Grilmore. (There is one major inconvience is that You need to wait for the correct day and time to perform ritual sending ghost back to purgatory so they can Move on to Elsewhereness/heaven of this verse ) +They Meet Maddie in college (Maddie and Vlad almost alway in a total clash with each other with Maddie tech almost Hunter like way in dealing with ghost and Vlad more traditional Way of Handling them) Which end with Three of them forming the Original Ghost Trio. With Maddie accept Vlad and Jack Respect the Death ideal. And Vlad and Jack incorperate More Technology into their Asset. +Maddie point out the inconvinient of having to wait for the correct day for each ghost to send them back to Purgatory (Their room are fill with

Container for ghost), Which lead to them comming up with the idea of Making a Ghost Portal. <Note: MB Vlad is not into Romantic relationship, Platonic one Matter to him more> >The Accident: No diet soda the Accident is purely due to one miscalculation that cost Vlad life (his Head got Blash Clean off infront of Jack and Maddie) In that Split Second of His face getting disintigrating, Vlad get a Glim into UnWorld (the Realm where are Demon and evil of the four realm are banish to) and Got Latched on and Pushed Back to the living world by a Demon Vampire Ghost Both Soul are now inhabited Vlad headless lifeless body, in Which about 3 day after Vlad burial that Vlad Body got completely decontructed inside the coffin and recontructed into a body that is more fitting to host both . Vlad have a hard time remembering Who he is after kinda get rebirth and Wander the world until he Get Suck into a Natural Ghost Portal and got Flunk Back in time. >Journey of an Immortal Being: -Vlad Stuck in the Past, He recovered his memories, Going through existenal crisis, Evil phase, Evil make me feel bad, Not Evil anymore, Found out that he is immortal now, Existenal crisis part2, Acceptance, Travel the World and Start doing the what ever he like, learning old way of magic still helping ghost and other supernatural being. -Caused several Major Change to the past that Mythical Creature got un extinct. (Due to the Law of life and death this does not affect who get born or not, it just that the world got alots more races now and those used to be born human in the original timeline might get born as another races entirely) -Get Mistaken for Messiah.( Look You can't kill Vlad, He would just be gone for like 3 day then comeback) -Caused the legend of Dracula. -Vampire cult have a horrible obession with Vlad as a Whole. Look like vampire act like one, can walk in plain day light and more importantly the ability to Open a Portal to Unworld . ( Vlad don't use this ability much and can only open small one as it is very energy consuming) -Meet his own ancestor Which is the Fentonightingale that Later Splited into Fenton and Nightingale (later change to Masters) leading to revealation that Jack and Him might be very distant Related. -Bickering With Time God (Do not trust the Clock Man that work for the Eyes) -Get Caught in War far too many time. -Meet Phantom (an odd entity that is oddly clingy to him) in the Great War. -Meet Other Some of the DP ghost when they still alive -The Horrible Bar incident that reveal Phantom true nature, an evil being that wish to turn the world back to it original nature of nothiness and try to turn vlad to the his side, Kill, Seal in Rock Case covered with Sigil to prevent Phantom from escape, Chuck it into the ocean. - The Contruction of the Coffin Ghost Portal. (Havent actually went into the Purgatory caused the CCP is one Way Portal. -Forming of many Hidden town that home supernatural being. Amity Park is one of them. - And many more unseen story >Daddy Stolen Ribbone saga (MB Vlad is sterile, he want to have kid but can't.) -The Vampire cult that he have grudge with attemp to Clone or at least created a child that have Vlad Power through ritual and cult like method. Imagine Danny Clone but even more mess up . -Vlad end the life of most of them by his own hand (they are suffering, it is best to let them go) -Birth of Danielle: +Danielle Evelyn Masters or just Dani/Dee for short is the only Stable child come out of this whole odeal. She is Created From Vlad Ribone like a Twisted Eve. And like in the book it caused both of them to be very attached to each other in a Fatherly Daughterly Way. +Dee Have Vlad Ghost power and Demonic Power but No ghost form (Her default funtion as both and whether she is in ghost mode or Human mode is all Up to energy control) and no connection to Unworld there for she can't open portal to Unworld. Dual Soul nature Wind/Fire.

+She like Frog and is interested in Marine biology (which Vlad have full support over, she have a room fill with Vlad hand made frog plusie that she all named. +He raise her teach her everything he know about how to deal with supernatural being and how to Snipe Vampire from a long distant with pin point accuracy.

+An kidnapped incident with the Vampire cult latter resulted in Dee Death at the age of 12 (1999), and Vlad becoming fully Merged into one Being with Plasmius. and wipe out the entire vampire cult in a horrible Vlad the impaler way). +After wiping out the remainder of the cult, vlad go into retirement and work as a wall Painter < he work supper fast on celling painting and no one know why> >The Boy Who Fly (2 year before the start of actual MB story) -Danny Gain his power at the age of 10, his parent know. The event of Portal acivation caused the whole town to have a black out. -They move House alots for 2 year. And Jack try his best to make his family as normal as they can be after accidenly k his friend all those year ago and now half eff his own son. -They finding out amity park their new home is on accident when the RV engine die mid way through the middle of no Where (The town shown it self to those in need) -Danny hide his abiltiy. But after a gym incident. and getting Praise by his peer for it instead of scold like with the adult Danny start getting bolder using Floating power around his new friend when no adult is watching. <Vlad who is Working on the Giant Raven paiting for the School Saw this and know imediately What Danny is> -They offically meet each other on the the roof top, when Danny mom ask him to go down the store and by some bread and he decided to try to Air Frog Swim to it. They become friend and Vlad even teach Danny how to fly properly before having to leave (they visit each other alots after the revealation, and vlad is a good adult friend that Danny can talk to) (Danno forgot about the bread and return home breadless) -Jack may stop with the whole Paranormal hunter/ghost scientist job but not Maddie. She keep doing it behind his back due to danny special need in ecto base consumtion (he havent grow abit since the accident and keep getting smaller and it concerning) -Jack found out and they have a Fight. which lead to Maddie go to his Sister house. -Danny Found out about why his dad was so stressed out about ghost thing now. When looking through his parent old stuff with his new friend tucker. (Dude why does your parent have a Picture of the wall painter in thier old junk). He show the image to Vlad. -Danny Get jack to tell the story about the inccident. Dad what if i tell you that Your friend who die 18 year ago survived and is on our front door right now. Reunion, Jack feeling guilty about making them both like this. Go Get Maddie. Happy reunion of the trio. -Fenton Parent become accepting to Danny condition, Danny have a good mentor that can teach him ho to control his power And they live happy ever after for now

[aion-rsa]

BBC/Netflix Dracula’s Behind-the-Scenes Set Secrets

https://ift.tt/3eYLfrL

Contains Dracula episode 1-3 spoilers

Bela Lugosi’s aside, Castle Dracula can often be a let-down, says Arwel W Jones. Tasked with creating his own take on the Transylvanian fortress for 2020 three-part adaptation Dracula, the production designer rewatched countless versions of the story. “You’d see this magnificent castle from afar, and then, due to budget restrictions I assume, you’d end up disappointed by the interior. As you get closer to the front door and the entranceway, it always tended to be a slightly smaller deal.”

For the BBC/Netflix series written by Steven Moffat and Mark Gatiss and starring Claes Bang in the title role, Jones had to make the castle a big deal. “Scale was one of my mantras. I wanted to convey the scale of the castle, to give a sense of awe, and then for it to carry on inside with a feeling of unease.”

The exteriors were already there, thanks to filming at Orava Castle in Slovakia, a location for 1922 silent film Nosferatu. Inside, it took a monumental dragon-shaped staircase, candles in their thousands, skulls, taxidermy, and some extremely clever design work to conjure up the vast and unsettling world of the Count.

Unveiling Easter Egg secrets and tributes paid to other famous screen horror, as well as one or two links to Gatiss and Moffat’s Sherlock, here’s how it was done…

Celebrity Portrait Artist

Mark Gatiss is a man of many talents. The co-writer of Dracula and actor behind Frank Renfield (the Count’s thrall and, in this version, lawyer), is also an artist whose love of horror finds expression on the canvas. In preparation for Dracula, Gatiss showed production designer Arwel W Jones a portrait he’d painted of Peter Cushing in character as Hammer Film Productions’ Doctor Van Helsing.

“We thought we’d put it in the castle,” says Jones. “And then we thought it’d be nice to put one of Mark’s portraits in each of the big sets – the castle, the boat and the Harker Institute. He had to do a lot of work behind the scenes!” Four paintings by Gatiss ended up on screen in Dracula, each of an actor from a previous adaptation of Bram Stoker’s novel: Peter Cushing, Christopher Lee, Louis Jourdan and Bela Lugosi. Cushing can be seen in episode one, next to a castle stairwell Johnny is running through. Christopher Lee is hanging on the walls of The Demeter in episode two. And Louis Jourdan from the 1977 BBC Count Dracula is on display next to the portrait of John Heffernan as Johnny in the Harker Institute.

Another fun portrait fact: the faces of production designer Arwel W Jones and art director Harry Trow also found their way onto screen in Dracula. “One of our scenic artists, Jeremy Duckham, is a very, very talented portrait artist, and he did them all, including me,” says Jones. “In the back of shot in the Castle Dracula dining area, you can see me in a red smock as an old cousin of Dracula’s, the count of somewhere, it was based on so-called folklore of a cousin of Dracula. And on the boat, you might notice the face of our art director Harry in that painting as the Tsar!”

Here Be Dragons

Credit: Arwel W Jones

“The name ‘Dracula’ comes from the word ‘dragon’, so that’s why we seeded dragons all the way through,” Jones tells Den of Geek. “There are no elephants this time (a reference to Jones’ favourite animal, which found its way into several Sherlock sets), because it’s all dragons!” Look closely and you’ll see a repeating dragon motif on the door of Dracula’s carriage and on the Count’s ostentatious signet ring. It was designed by “little genius” Richard Wells, the graphic designer who created a series of Dracula family crests evolving through the centuries for the battle standards hanging on the castle walls.

There are also two stone dragons flanking the fireplace and a stone dragon’s head emerging from the lower wall. One of the fireplace dragons is currently standing guard next to Jones’ front door, he laughs. “It does help with deliveries, being able to say ‘it’s the house with the dragon!’”

One feat of dragon-related design is in Castle Dracula’s monumental staircase, which mirrors Wells’ family crest design. “The tail of the dragon is actually the same spiral as the staircase,” explains Jones. “So if you look from the top shot, the head of the dragon on the wall on the grand staircase is actually in the same position as the head and tail are. It’s another reflection of the same logo.”

Stairway to Hell

The design for Castle Dracula’s impressive staircase had been in Jones’ head for a while, just waiting for the right project. Its inspiration? The Vatican Museums in Vatican City, Italy (see ‘Here Be Dragons image above). “The way you leave the Vatican Museums is this Fibonacci spiral staircase, so when you stand at the top, it spirals downwards but inwards at the same time,” Jones explains. After visiting the museum, the image stayed with him. “When the offer of doing Castle Dracula came along, it just felt right, to spiral upwards and outwards for the entrance way, because you’d then have a central point where Dracula would come down the stairs but it would widen out as it went up, which would give you that sense of scale as you went up, and you’d be able to look up the tower.”

The Vatican museum version doesn’t have the Gothic skull motif in the stone balustrades, laughs Jones. “Theirs is a bit more high-end! I like my skulls, they tend to drop in everywhere. I wanted the interplay of light and shadows, to create that sense of unease for the viewer.”

A Tribute to Hannibal Lecter

Hanging high above Dracula’s dining table is a striking antler chandelier, which Jones included as a specific nod to another great horror icon: Dr Hannibal Lecter. “I hadn’t long binged Bryan Fuller’s Hannibal show, where there was a lot of antlers and death and rich colours,” remembers Jones. “All those two-hander scenes between Hannibal and Will, in my head, were mirrored by the scenes between Jonathan and Dracula – the kind of hunter and prey idea.” When set decorator Hannah Nicholson showed him the antler chandelier (imitation, but they look very real), Jones thought it the perfect hat tip to Fuller’s Hannibal.

Dragon’s Den

Detail credit: Arwel W Jones

Just because a vampire wakes up in a new century doesn’t mean he won’t want to surround himself by reminders of home. Dracula’s flash London pad in episode three ‘The Dark Compass’ was designed to echo his castle. “Once I started playing with mirroring what we had in the castle, it started to come together,” says Jones. “I had the window where the fireplace was, as far as the dining table was concerned, then the entrance opposite, then we dotted things around that reflected what was in the castle – artwork, sculptures – things to replace the suits of armour.”

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One particular nod to Castle Dracula was so subtly done that even episode director Paul McGuigan didn’t spot it. “I’d mentioned to Paul that I wanted to get the dragon in there and he really wasn’t sure, so I didn’t tell him that I put it in the stands for the table,” Jones laughs. “I got Rebecca Gresham, my draughtsperson, to do a very, very abstract version of the dragon’s head in profile and then we divided it up into two shapes and got a lot of sheets of plywood cut out in those two shapes and then sandwiched them over and over to give us that profile.” On set, Jones pointed it out to McGuigan. “The fact that he hadn’t noticed meant it had worked – subliminal, better than in your face!”

Man in the Mirror

Part of the mythology established in the BBC/Netflix Dracula is that mirrors show ‘the truth’. For the Count, mirrors work as a kind of ‘picture of Dorian Gray’, so that when he looks into one, he sees his real self – a centuries-old monster and not the handsome man seen by the rest of the world. That’s why the glass-artwork and reflective surfaces in Dracula’s apartment are all broken up, says Jones. “Like the big window, they’re all disguised. In his reflection, he could see the real thing, rather than whatever people see, so that was a horror to him. It was all about breaking up reflections rather than seeing one very clear image.”

The rest of the apartment design was about grandeur of scale and opulence, says Jones. “Where would this centuries-old warlord live in London? There was nothing out of his grasp, he could get whatever he wanted.” While Castle Dracula was all about creating a sense of unease, this was about creating a sense of his comfort. “He was quite happy in this space. Dracula’s happy in the 21st century! They have a little joke about him putting weight on because the food comes to him, he doesn’t have to go hunting!”

Here Comes the Sun

Another repeated motif across Dracula’s two homes is his obsession with the sun. “Throughout the castle, there were lots of references to the sun because of his fascination with it and the fact that he’s not seen it in centuries. Our scenic artists painted a few bits of artwork that had the sun rising over the castle and various things to do with sunrises and sunsets, to reflect that.”

One monumental tribute to the sun was found on the wall of the Count’s modern-day apartment. “The big gold-leaf sun is a five-piece artwork made from separate canvases to divide it up. We gave the artists a few different references – a mixture of Gustav Klimt and some amazing Japanese artists.”

Scarface Easter Egg

Detail credit: Arwel W Jones

Unless your TV is higher-definition than the Hubble telescope, you won’t have seen this on screen, but it was there. In episode one, on the wall of the convent chapel where Dracula beheads the Mother Superior, is a stone tablet engraved with a Latin carving: Dicere Salve Ad Amicus Meus.

“When we film in real locations, especially in chapels, sometimes you have remembrance stones or things with real people’s names on, so we have to make something to cover them up,” explains Jones. “Because I’d done a little gag in Sherlock many years ago – at the end of ‘A Scandal in Belgravia’, when Irene Adler is about to get decapitated and Sherlock rescues her, there’s a gun on the back of a Toyota pick-up truck and on the side of the truck it says ‘Say hello to my little friend’ from Scarface in Arabic – I got them to do a Latin version of the same line. The gag was that there was a big gun on the pick-up truck, and in this scene it was Dracula with a big sword.”

Another movie reference came in the form of the wallpaper (an Arwel W. Jones speciality!) at the flat of Harker Institute scientist Jack Seward. “It’s another nod towards being uncomfortable and uneasy,” says Jones, “and a little tribute to The Shining.”

Mark Gatiss specified a particular sequence from cult director Roger Corman’s back catalogue as the reference for Dracula’s theatrical vision in episode two (there’s a definite The Fall of the House of Usher feel). “This was meant to be a nightmarish set-up due to the fact that he was being poisoned. It was all about those silhouetted trees. The blood on the floor was my idea, to give those perfect reflections. It was quite a feat to be honest with you!”

And finally, who spotted the name of the AD 72 laboratory at the Harker Institute and saw the link to the cult Alan Gibson-directed Dracula Hammer picture?

There is No Baby, Johnny

The feeding machine Jonathan Harker discovers on his manic exploration of the castle was built according to detailed specifications from Steven Moffat’s script. “He’d had this idea in his head of these feeding bowls where the brides were trapped in boxes and he was feeding them on different things in order to see what would happen, as an experiment. There’s flies in one, rats in another and obviously, the baby in the third…”

The baby is a grotesque highlight of episode one – first introduced unseen but squirming and squalling inside a carpet bag as Dracula deadpans to his houseguest that “there is no baby, Johnny.”

“There are some videos that may come to light one day of us doing various things to try and get that bag to move like there’s a baby in it,” laughs Jones. “It was very funny. We had electric drills with things attached to them, some of those baby doll toys that crawl along the floor, we had little jumping toy dogs…”

Dracula’s Cell

Director Paul McGuigan’s original mood board for episode three included a picture of a silhouetted Dracula within a lit triangle, an image recreated for the night club scene, lit by lasers. “Triangles were a theme throughout episode three,” explains Jones. Dracula’s triangular cell was designed as a reflection of that – thematically and literally. “By having glass in three walls, it means you get lots of refraction and reflection with lights without them necessarily reflecting straight back into camera, even though I’m sure the cinematographer Tony [Slater Ling] would say it’s an absolute nightmare to light,” laughs Jones. “It did look great in the end, because every little light we had on the walls pinged around everywhere.”

The Game is Afoot!

With Sherlock and Dracula both written by Steven Moffat and Mark Gatiss, produced by Hartswood Films, and employing many of the same creative teams, a little bit of one was bound to bleed into the other. In addition to Sister Agatha’s “I have a detective acquaintance in London” reference to the man himself, some costumes found their way across the border. Costume designer Sarah Arthur recycled the coat from Martin Freeman’s Victorian John Watson look from Christmas special ‘The Abominable Bride’ to use in Jonathan Harker’s travelling outfit. Look closely at the photograph Harker takes out of the zombie boxes and you’ll recognise the wedding dress as that worn by the Emelia Ricoletti, the titular bride herself.

Not only that, but look at the kitchen units at Bob and Katherine’s house in Dracula episode three, and you might recognise them as formerly belonging to a landlady of Baker Street. “You recognised the kitchen?” asks Jones. “It’s Mrs Hudson’s kitchen!”

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Dracula is available to stream now on Netflix. Design detail photos courtesy of Arwel W Jones.

The post BBC/Netflix Dracula’s Behind-the-Scenes Set Secrets appeared first on Den of Geek.

from Den of Geek https://ift.tt/34os1Zf

[vasilinaorlova]

Letters from the Depths of Solitude. On Cryogenic Vaults of the Past

I could tell that I missed you but then what did I miss, whom did I miss? The tragedy or at least a drama (lowering the degree) was that you still existed, yet you were nowhere to be found. I thought about going to cryogenic laboratory of my memory and defrosting one or two or dozens, hundreds of you for me to love, admire, defeat, and possess, endlessly. I imagine the grant maze of cryogenic safes arranged along the both sides of the longest corridors thinkable, and each contains a you of a different moment, lovingly preserved by me. I am walking these corridors, tirelessly. Suppose they all run to the single center from which I can observe the multiplicity of the moments I remember. Suppose that the corridors form a Panopticon: I am not an observer, but I am a possibility of an observer, which is yet more daunting. I will wear a white uniform and have a notebook in my hand, in which from time to time I would make a mark with a plain pencil, enumerating exemplars in my collection, describing them, studying them, perhaps discarding some and replacing them with other versions of you. Did you know that those gullible, naive, or drawn beyond what is reasonable in the despair of their early lives by incurable forms of cancer, those who bequested their beloved to pay hundreds of thousands of dollars for their bodies to be put in the cryogenic vaults by miracle mongers, those poor souls who abandoned their bodies forever but in vain hopes of resurrection–they hang in these laboratories upside down, like bats from their perks? Did you know? It is done under the pretext that if the saving liquid leaks and exhausts its supply, their head will be less affected before the supply of the new preserving substance would come.

What ghoulish absurd. And as if their heads and all the fabrics of their bodies were not transformed by the constant exposure to such a petrifying liquid. 

Yet, without the hope for resurrection, humanity would lose a grand part of what makes it human. Possibly the hope for resurrection is the only thing distinguishing the human being from the animal. Russian philosopher Nikolay Fedorov, a hopeless dreamer, one of a kind and at the same time one of the whole row of dreamers—dreamers, who, innocently in their dreams, nonetheless perpetually put Russia on the brink of revolutions and worse disasters throughout history. Fedorov was one of the advocates of the life forever. He claimed that our ancestors should be reinstalled to life from the dust into which their bodies had dispersed, through technologies and science. He actually mentioned grandfathers; there is never a mention of grandmothers, and I wonder what happens to them. Never mind, they will survive somehow, as dust, as they always have been. All this conversation, or more precisely monologue, since he wrote endlessly on pages in the exploration of the materiality of handwriting, all but unknown to us, unfolded, mind you, before the DNA was invented. And before the clear understanding that even DNA would not render us precisely the same person, and merely genetically identical. So… no fulfillment to Nikolay Fedorov’s prophesies? No materialization of ideas? I do not think so! For as long as the humanity will remember itself, it at least will harbor this hope of never-dying, of life forever, of happiness forever.

And so, I would open your vault, your coffin, where you, as poor Dracula, would sleep upside down, and reinstall you in my imagination–in this form, I could have you still. But there is not a method that will allow me to tie you-as-I-saw-you and you-as-you-are together. And you-as-you-are is no less deserving of love and admiration than you-as-I-saw-you. No less. No less. But he could be loved by someone else. I don’t have to love him. I had no such obligation. I could have no such preferences. I should look at my precious Dracula and slam the door shut, before the liquid of remembrance drains and bares the head.

(Written on the Daily Mirror or Something newspaper.)

[funface2]

55 of Tim Vine's most hilarious jokes and one-liners – iNews

DistractionsJokes

“The advantages of easy origami are two-fold”

Wednesday, 28th August 2019, 09:08 am

Updated Friday, 6th September 2019, 14:48 pm

Tim Vine fronts the pun-filled BBC Comedy pilot, ‘Tim Vine Travels in Time’ (Photo: BBC)

Tim Vine, best-known for his his role on Not Going Out from 2006 to 2014, is a quick-witted connoisseur of comedy who often appears on best jokes lists that follow in the wake of festivals around the world.

Here are 55 of the comic master’s most ingenious jokes and one-liners:

“I’d like to start with the chimney jokes – I’ve got a stack of them. The first one is on the house.”

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“I did a gig in a fertility clinic. I got a standing ovulation.”

“I had a dream last night that I was cutting carrots with the Grim Reaper – dicing with death.”

“I rang up British Telecom and said: ‘I want to report a nuisance caller.’ He said: ‘Not you again.'”

“I saw this bloke chatting-up a cheetah and I thought: ‘He’s trying to pull a fast one.'”

“The advantages of easy origami are two-fold.”

“I rang up my local swimming baths. I said: ‘Is that the local swimming baths?’ He said: ‘It depends where you’re calling from.'”

The ‘king of one-liners’, Tim Vine (Photo: Getty)

“I said to the gym instructor: ‘Can you teach me to do the splits?’ He said: ‘How flexible are you?’ I said: ‘I can’t make Tuesdays.'”

“I’m against hunting. In fact, I’m a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.”

“This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, ‘I want you to trace someone for me.'”

“I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, ‘that’s Abba-riginal.'”

“I’ve decided to sell my Hoover – it was just collecting dust.”

“I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me ‘Can you give me a lift?’ I said ‘Sure, you look great, the world’s your oyster, go for it.'”

“I went down the local supermarket. I said: ‘I want to make a complaint – this vinegar’s got lumps in it.’ He said: ‘Those are pickled onions.'”

“I’ll tell you what I love doing more than anything – trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.”

“I was at sea the other day and loads of meat floated past. It was a bit choppy.”

“You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said ‘Parking Fine.’ So that was nice.”

“I’m so lazy I’ve got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.”

“I’ve spent the afternoon re-arranging the furniture in Dracula’s house. I was doing a bit of Fang-Shui.”

“I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on three counts.”

“Uncle Ben has died. No more Mr Rice Guy.”

“I once did a gig in a zoo. I got babooned off.”

“Eric Bristow asked me why I put superglue on one of his darts. I said ‘you just can’t let it go can you?'”

“I saw this advert in a window that said: ‘Television for sale, £1, volume stuck on full.’ I thought, ‘I can’t turn that down.'”

“I’ve just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I’ll tell you what, never again.”

“Conjunctivitis.com – that’s a site for sore eyes.”

“Do you ever get that when you’re half way through eating a horse and you think to yourself, ‘I’m not as hungry as I thought I was?'”

“Black Beauty – now there’s a dark horse.”

Tim Vine has won numerous best joke awards (Photo: Getty)

“I was reading a book – ‘The History of Glue’ – I couldn’t put it down.”

“I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said ‘Who’s speaking please?’ And a voice said ‘You are.'”

“Exit signs? They’re on the way out!”

“Velcro? What a rip-off!”

“I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said ‘Analogue?’ I said ‘No, just a watch.'”

“I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.”

“I went to the doctor. I said to him ‘I’m frightened of lapels.’ He said, ‘You’ve got cholera.'”

“I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can’t remember his name, it’s P-something T-something R…”

“I was having dinner with my boss and his wife said, ‘How many potatoes would you like, Tim?’. I said ‘Ooh, I’ll just have one please.’ She said ‘It’s OK, you don’t have to be polite.’ ‘Alright,’ I said, ‘I’ll just have one then, you stupid cow.’

“A friend of mine always wanted to be run over by a steam train. When it happened, he was chuffed to bits!”

“I was in the army once and the Sergeant said to me: ‘What does surrender mean?’ I said: ‘I give up!'”

“This bloke said to me: ‘I’m going to attack you with the neck of a guitar.’ I said: ‘Is that a fret?'”

“I saw Arnold Schwarzenegger eating a chocolate egg. I said: ‘I bet I know what your favourite Christian festival is.’ He said: ‘You have to love Easter, baby.'”

“I used go out with an anaesthetist – she was a local girl.”

“Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.”

“I went to a Pretenders concert. It was a tribute act.”

“I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said ‘I want to buy an ice-cream’. He said ‘Hundreds & thousands?’ I said ‘We’ll start with one.’ He said ‘Knickerbocker glory?’ I said ‘I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.'”

“I bought a train ticket and the driver said ‘Eurostar?’ I said ‘Well, I’ve been on telly but I’m no Dean Martin.’ Still, at least it’s comfortable on Eurostar – it’s murder on the Orient Express.”

“I went into a shop and I said, ‘Can someone sell me a kettle?’ The bloke said ‘Kenwood?’ I said, ‘Where is he?'”

“I went in to a pet shop. I said, ‘Can I buy a goldfish?’ The guy said, ‘Do you want an aquarium?’ I said, ‘I don’t care what star sign it is.'”

“You know, I’m not very good at magic – I can only do half of a trick. I’m a member of the Magic Semi-circle.”

“My next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes. He’s a catholic converter.”

“He said ‘I’m going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library’. I thought ‘That’s a turn-up for the books.'”

“And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking money to him. I said ‘Do you earn a living doing that?’ He said ‘Yes, this is my livelihood.'”

“I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet ‘Best Before End…'”

“So this bloke says to me, ‘Can I come in your house and talk about your carpets?’ I thought ‘That’s all I need, a Je-hoover’s witness.'”

“So Batman came up to me & he hit me over the head with a vase & he went ‘T’PAU!’ I said ‘Don’t you mean KAPOW??’ He said ‘No, I’ve got china in my hand.'”

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Bài viết 55 of Tim Vine's most hilarious jokes and one-liners – iNews đã xuất hiện đầu tiên vào ngày Funface.

from Funface https://funface.net/funny-quotes/55-of-tim-vines-most-hilarious-jokes-and-one-liners-inews-2/

[mulliganisms]

I saw 3 sips then I had a bells

Nothing beats the old fashioned pub  especially an Irish one but they are now virtually extinct. We should share pictures of property developers jangling their keys outside of closed boozers on Facebook to shame them.  Liverpool Rd N1 mid 70s, one such pub open on a Christmas night -the key to a great holiday for Himself. Himself has to get out Christmas night- his sire, Aulfella was always rearing up, undoing the hard work of Mam. Aulfella was capable of loving or hating anything at any given, depending on his temper. He hid his good moods in the same place as his money - under the carpet in the front room, reaching for them both when he was on his way to Da pub or da club.

Your best guess as to the name of a pub where the Provisional IRA paper An Phoblacht was sold openly, tricolours decorated the wall and the jukebox featured anti -internment hit The Men Behind The Wire? The Crown of course ( I always add upside down as a nod to the Celtic FC halftime favourite Irish Soldier Laddie) For Himself the test of a decent Irish bar is the Guinness - you can tell a decent pint when you can see mark of each sip on the side of the glass. I offer three swallows for you this season - let’s start with a huge, thirsty gulp.

Liverpool Rd N1 mid 70s, a proper Irish pub The Crown. Himself is there with his first proper girlfriend - Dixie. They are deep into their relationship having met across a crowded home and wear department in Tesco Chapel Market. I’m Not In Love played, his hands on her waist and...breathe (exhale loudly. A glance down at the gap left between the skin  of her back and the waistband of the Wranglers reveals a possible future of bliss - the white bra strap shining in the UV light. ..a reverie...were these the hips that turned a thousand faces and burnt red these cheeks of Islington? A small cry escapes her lips - Sorry love - those plastic sandals are harder to manoeuvre than the Green Flash I normally wear for dancing.

Mam was of a somewhat sunnier frame of mind - where she hid when depression struck we never did find out though Himself and  Dabrudders found most of her hiding places. In earlier years, Accomodation was an old store of some kind affectionately known as the shop. Upstairs one bedroom,with two bunk beds and a cot a sitting room with a pull down bed and a stereogram. Downstairs a shop floor with building gear covered in dust sheets, a kitchen with coal fired stove leading out to a yard. The toilet was reached by a run through a coal cellar sometimes fast, sometimes slow ,,, record time on return from a camping trip in Youghal which included The Return of Dracula one night (rather lax enforcement of X certificate in Ireland) and waking next morning to discover the tent had been pitched beside a slaughterhouse - sheep skulls stretched out in greater numbers as the tide retreated from the stony atlantic shore.

In the cupboard in this  dungeon was where the Christmas presents were hid - and played with/ sometimes ruined long before the day. Mam commented on the odd angle of the crossbar on the subbuteo goals - a few years later we could’ve blamed the Tartan army saying it was a souvenir set of Wembley 77. Himself just used a Swan vesta and Mam’s hairnet to repair it (the onion bag not being to scale).

The shop went as part of slum clearance, as did most of the other condemned buildings. Himself and his moved into the renovated Victorian terrace - into the nineteen seventies - bathrooms and central heating , into the peak of Equality in the UK. The new neighbours’ eldest worked part time at Tesco Chapel Market and through this network Himself impressed enough at interview to collar a role packing cheese and butter then progressing to staffing the Deli counter in a double act with younger brother Seamus. Union membership guaranteed good wages which rose in line with inflation of which there was plenty .

Time honoured courting process was in place from the first time he saw the poppers on the nylon housecoat struggling to contain the developing curves. His cotton overall hid his embarrassment but not his intention - all boys schools did not prepare you well for this. Even the Drama teacher the fifth form swooned over paled in comparison. And then their story started - a word in his shell like -not a letter in the Hardy/ Shakespeare/ Tolstoy mould but a hand gesture to approach a friend - not like today. Sexting was Chelsea’s cup winning manager, Mobiles were Airfix planes on string and pawn featured in a passage from Christy Brown’s  Down All My Days which Aulfella could recite by heart - the good suit went in Monday and was redeemed for Sunday mass. Himself was onto a sure thing - if he asked her to dance at the Xmas social she’d say yes.

Consider the obstacles there: asking - the potential for rejection greater than the selection of the Park football sides where every choice was carefully considered to produce a finely calibrated balance. Fourth best defender gone would you select the second best header without the guarantee you’d land a crosser from the top five?  Dancing here did not mean a hustle a bump or even the ska shuffle all of which he could handle. No The Smiley’s People double agent meant a slow dance. So he watched the couples, the elder siblings the pairings of someone’s mate and someone’s sister. Some still together celebrating their second grandchild…

It worked, Nature  took over they “got off”, “pulled” and then they were “going out”. This did not mean going out that much as funds were somewhat limited, opportunities even moreso. There was a date culminating in a faint prompted by a Sissy Spacek  bloodbath scene. The Odeon Holloway Rd witnessed many a coitus interruptus in its years and this apology laden nursing scene in the foyer echoed many of the experiences Himself and Herself played out. Himself caught the climax of the film   a few years later at college ; ditto the coitus although that was more to do with a Malt Liquor (Breaker, Colt 45 ) for 10p promotion - and  Carrie herself could not have levitated his head  off the pillow the next morning.

No, going out meant staying in with the occasional foray for a coke float at Wimpy with unattached girlfriends (never my mates) including Margaret.  Sitting indoors then in a council maisonette. The sitting room was long with the auditorium seats pointed at the shrine - the rented colour set delivering nightly delights. On the sofas, the Elder sister and Geezer fiancee (saving for wedding so not going out) on the armchairs Graham and Ivy the parents, Between them our would be lovers. Telly and smoking that was the evening - Whan the Bert Comes In, Carry On something and Rich Man Poor Man. .When the folks went dahn ve Legion the vinyl came out - Atlantic Crossing with its slow side and fast side and David Essex’s concept album All the Fun of the Fair. Himself had just begun to achieve some minor plateaued competence on the Hofner Guitar Aulfella had bought from a Showband mate (typically flamboyant gesture and much loved) so this obviously was the equivalent of a masters in Musicology allowing him to pontificate and evaluate all music ever created or about to be - for Heads like him and his best mate Pat most music was judged and unless suitably complex, the black cap came out. Himself kept these opinions to hisself or there would be no goodbye fumble in the porch, no warm lips, no ambition destroyed by parental knock, no warmth enough to see him the ten minute walk home.

But in the Crown buoyed by a half pint the opinions flowed as freely as the song. Xmas evening found them with unattached friend Margaret and her extended family of Lydons as in John. The patrons rotated the singing some better than others but all applauded/ gently ribbed then it came to John himself. He starts doing white Christmas, HImself  joins in forcing JL to go faster,make more of a mess of the melody, savour the lyric, thrash it - invent punk This bit might be somewhat exaggerated in memory, especially as JL was not even there.

That’s the first sip now the second and the third, happy ending.

That Pub, When the comedian Himself returned to The Crown years later it had become Waxys Dargle - a theme Irish bar, Shane Mcgowan’s local, etc. Singing would get you barred. There were no old men in suits and ties. Now it is a block of flats. Himself remembered the Goldsmiths Tavern in New Cross - put up a sign no  hats / no guinness - code for  No Blacks no Dogs no Irish I guess. That sign always conjured up an image of Phil Lynott  trudging from door to door whispering to the Jack Russell nestling beneath his Afghan coat - dont worry me darling their women go mad for me. One year, Himself and da family minus one acted in chorus and decamped to The George in Essex Rd where with the families of Dabrudder’s Sunday football side they created a kind of mad  talent show where audience and performers became one - a communion as Boal would call it. Twas grand - it’s now a gastropub where three organic cherries on the slot machine means a village in Cambodia gets a new goat. the pub quiz includes questions based on the budapest metro map of 1959 and it offers 65 different ales in flavours like panetonne and panfried liver but only one mode of atmosphere - tedious. Gentrification as effective a migration prompt as Potato blight.

Gentrifiers

Chorus - Making your town cool - house price house price house price school - repeat ad nauseam

We think buy to let’s an absolute disgrace/ glad we bought 5 at the old stamp duty rate

Here’s to our genius - or was it / our parents stumping up the dough for the deposit

Agents call this place Shoreditich Lite/  I call it prosecco - bubbly bland and white

So pass the craft ale pass the tapenade / if someone mentions brexit pass the hand grenade

Otag kebab’s been skewered by souvlaki food carts/ I loathe graffiti but our kids study street art

Pie and mash, licquor, winkles and wallies are all rebooted as cuisine a la cockney

Fiver for a loaf of bread a petition vs. greggs / Costa flipping coffee costa flipping arm and leg

Can’t buy malt vinegar to put upon your plate just condiment fundamentalists of balsamic state

Riding Monday then flute, Latin Greek / by Tuesday we’re into the rhythm of the week

Lance flunked the grammar despite all the tutors So Granny pays the fees at st mediocres

Everywhere the skips and signs shout out: we’re cooling up your town - time to get out

Repeat chorus and fade

[authorcecelia]

typing 10 CLEAN PARANORMAL ROMANCES

Shapeshifters, mermaids, angels, centaurs, and more come together in a ten-book collection that is equal parts romance and action. Featuring books from some of the best paranormal romance and urban fantasy writers working in the genre today, Fated Souls has something for nearly every reader and will serve as a gateway to books that have collectively received thousands of 4- and 5-star reviews. Available for a limited time, so grab your copy now! FREE ON AMAZON!

Strong, independent heroines join together with mysterious, dangerous heroes in explosive conflicts that are as much external as they are internal.

PARANORMAL ROMANCE BUNDLE

Hidden Realms has all of this along with mermaids, shape shifters, demigods, fae, demons and half-breeds with even darker inheritances. There’s love, both forbidden and true, and there’s all the sacrifice it takes to keep it. Regardless of what your preferred flavor of paranormal romance or urban fantasy actually is, there is something in this collection of 10 novels that will knock your socks off. Hidden Realms contains multiple books that are otherwise only available for $2.99 or more, and it’s available for FREE—but only for a limited time!

DEATH WAS ONLY THE BEGINNING

No one’s afterlife is as dispiriting as Audrey’s-at least that’s what she believes after waking up dead without her memories and being promptly assigned to hunt demons for the rest of eternity.

She’s convinced God’s made a cosmic mistake; after all, she’d rather discuss the color of her nails than break them on angelic weapons. It doesn’t help that her trainer, Logan, is as infuriating as he is attractive. And just when Audrey and Logan appear close to developing an amicable relationship, a decision made under duress will push their hearts in a direction neither of them saw coming.

Despite her sub-par fighting abilities, an ancient weapon of unparalleled power chooses Audrey as its wielder, attracting the cautious gazes of her fellow hunters and the attention of Satan himself. With Satan’s eyes now fixed on Audrey, a battle for the safety of the living looms in the shadows.

VAMPIRES AND WEREWOLVES SHOULDN’T FALL IN LOVE

Lysandra was born for one reason; to kill shifters. Princess of vampires, the heir to Vlad Dracula’s throne and the last descendant of Princess Anastasia, Lysandra lives in a castle of witches and human slaves,engaged to a dark vampire prince and prophesied as the one who will end the war between vampires and werewolves forever.

Everything changes when Lysandra finds a dying werewolf. She takes him into her care and quickly falls in love, unable to explain the magical connection between them. If she’s discovered, she will be put to death. But how can she stop the war when her worst enemy is her true love?

A heart-stopping love story filled with shocking twists, Court of Vampires is a thrilling young adult fantasy that readers will devour over and over again. The legend of what really happened to the Romanov family is retold in Megan Linski’s newest haunting paranormal romance.

IS SHE HEAVEN’S DEVIL OR HELL’S ANGEL?

Callie is a middle-class, Midwest American girl. And a wizard in training. She works for Roland, a member of the Vatican Shepherds – an elite group of twelve warrior priests who travel the world smiting whatever offends them or their Good Lord.

Callie must learn where she stands as a wizard. Will she hide behind a man, or light Kansas City afire with a name of her own?

Callie soon learns she isn’t just a wizard. Monsters have evidently been hunting Callie her entire life, and now, they’ve finally found her…

THEY SAY DEMONS AND ANGELS DON’T MIX.

I say people should mind their own damn business.

My brother, Damian, has been my rock ever since mom left. Didn’t matter that I’m demon-blooded. I was his and he was mine.

But nothing lasts forever.

He wants me to go to college. I’d rather fight a hundred sentinels than lead a boring, safe life hiding who I am. So when a nephilim goes missing, I go behind Damian’s back to find the teen. Maybe if I can solve the case, he will upgrade me to his partner in crime solving.

As bodies begin dropping, I realize I’m in way over my head. But there’s no way I’m going to admit that, not when my future hangs in the balance. It’s do or die time, and I’m not going down without a fight.

ATLAS MORGAN JUST FOUND THE VILLAIN OF HER DREAMS

A ruthless, demonic army stands ready to attack; to bathe in the blood of all mankind. The only thing that has protected us from them is a mystical river which will run dry by midnight of the winter solace.

The paranormal community— referred to as Shadows—has been given seven chances to complete a quest that will replenish the river. They have failed six times. So, for the seventh and final time, the Shadows look to an unlikely source–seventeen-year-old human girl–Atlas Morgan.

Atlas has just lost the only person in the world that ever truly loved her—her mother. Though she is drowning in grief and sorrow, when she learns she is the chosen one, she gathers up the courage to agree to the quest. However, Atlas encounters something far more frightening than Werewolves, Vampires and Witches—love. His name is Kane and she’s shocked to learn that, like her, Kane has been chosen too–not to save the world but to end it…

FOR CENTURIES, AZRAEL’S SOLE PURPOSE WAS TO FIND HER–AND KILL HER.

And now he has her, just down the hall to be exact! So beautiful and fragile, she is so close he can almost hear her precious blood pumping through her veins. Blood he has been hunting for since the day he fell.

His mind is screaming, “Kill her. Stick to the plan, drain her blood, and ascend to Heaven.” But every fibre of his soul refuses to harm her.

If he won’t kill her, what will he do with the beautiful Lilliah Daniels?

He smirks. He might be an Angel, but he’s never claimed to be a saint.

AN INTRIGUING, MYSTERIOUS, FORGOTTEN PAST

“Whatever it was that caused my strange reaction to him, it couldn’t create energy between us. Or could it?”

I thought I was alone. Nobody else had a forgotten past, mysterious tattooed symbol and extrasensory ability. Then I found others like me in a small Colorado town – others with broken memories and strange gifts.

Among them the dark eyed man I’m inexplicably drawn to. When I’m with him, my body remembers what my mind cannot, but as much as I crave his touch and presence, there’s a restlessness inside me I can’t ignore. I need to know what happened to me.

A NECKLACE CONTAINING THE SONGS OF THE ANGELS IS ALL SHE HAS LEFT AFTER A MYSTERIOUS DISAPPEARANCE

Julia spent her childhood putting her life in order after abandonment, but now, it’s all coming unraveled again. Facing an explosion, a kidnapping, and battles in a realm other than Earth, with a Guardian angel who’s as infuriating as he is attractive, Julia has to come to terms with the fact that she’s not quite human, and fending off demons is nothing, once the devil comes for her.

But it may be too late to save the ones she loves by the time she accepts the challenge he’s putting before her.

ALL TITLES ARE AVAILABLE ON AMAZON AT FREE OR DISCOUNTED PRICES

10+ PARANORMAL ROMANCES FOR TEENS WHO LOVE FALLEN AND TWILIGHT typing 10 CLEAN PARANORMAL ROMANCES Shapeshifters, mermaids, angels, centaurs, and more come together in a ten-book collection that is equal parts romance and action.

[funface2]

55 of Tim Vine’s most hilarious jokes and one-liners – iNews

Tim Vine, best-known for his his role on Not Going Out from 2006 to 2014, is a quick-witted connoisseur of comedy who often appears on best jokes lists that follow in the wake of festivals around the world.

Here are 55 of the comic master’s most ingenious jokes and one-liners:

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“I’d like to start with the chimney jokes – I’ve got a stack of them. The first one is on the house.��

“I did a gig in a fertility clinic. I got a standing ovulation.”

“I had a dream last night that I was cutting carrots with the Grim Reaper – dicing with death.”

“I rang up British Telecom and said: ‘I want to report a nuisance caller.’ He said: ‘Not you again.’”

“I saw this bloke chatting-up a cheetah and I thought: ‘He’s trying to pull a fast one.’”

“The advantages of easy origami are two-fold.”

“I rang up my local swimming baths. I said: ‘Is that the local swimming baths?’ He said: ‘It depends where you’re calling from.’”

The ‘king of one-liners’, Tim Vine (Photo: Getty)

“I said to the gym instructor: ‘Can you teach me to do the splits?’ He said: ‘How flexible are you?’ I said: ‘I can’t make Tuesdays.’”

“I’m against hunting. In fact, I’m a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.”

“This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, ‘I want you to trace someone for me.’”

“I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, ‘that’s Abba-riginal.’”

“I’ve decided to sell my Hoover – it was just collecting dust.”

“I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me ‘Can you give me a lift?’ I said ‘Sure, you look great, the world’s your oyster, go for it.’”

“I went down the local supermarket. I said: ‘I want to make a complaint – this vinegar’s got lumps in it.’ He said: ‘Those are pickled onions.’”

“I’ll tell you what I love doing more than anything – trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.”

“I was at sea the other day and loads of meat floated past. It was a bit choppy.”

“You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said ‘Parking Fine.’ So that was nice.”

“I’m so lazy I’ve got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.”

“I’ve spent the afternoon re-arranging the furniture in Dracula’s house. I was doing a bit of Fang-Shui.”

“I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on three counts.”

“Uncle Ben has died. No more Mr Rice Guy.”

“I once did a gig in a zoo. I got babooned off.”

“Eric Bristow asked me why I put superglue on one of his darts. I said ‘you just can’t let it go can you?’”

“I saw this advert in a window that said: ‘Television for sale, £1, volume stuck on full.’ I thought, ‘I can’t turn that down.’”

“I’ve just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I’ll tell you what, never again.”

“Conjunctivitis.com – that’s a site for sore eyes.”

“Do you ever get that when you’re half way through eating a horse and you think to yourself, ‘I’m not as hungry as I thought I was?’”

“Black Beauty – now there’s a dark horse.”

Tim Vine has won numerous best joke awards (Photo: Getty)

“I was reading a book – ‘The History of Glue’ – I couldn’t put it down.”

“I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said ‘Who’s speaking please?’ And a voice said ‘You are.’”

“Exit signs? They’re on the way out!”

“Velcro? What a rip-off!”

“I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said ‘Analogue?’ I said ‘No, just a watch.’”

“I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.”

“I went to the doctor. I said to him ‘I’m frightened of lapels.’ He said, ‘You’ve got cholera.’”

“I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can’t remember his name, it’s P-something T-something R…”

“I was having dinner with my boss and his wife said, ‘How many potatoes would you like, Tim?’. I said ‘Ooh, I’ll just have one please.’ She said ‘It’s OK, you don’t have to be polite.’ ‘Alright,’ I said, ‘I’ll just have one then, you stupid cow.’

“A friend of mine always wanted to be run over by a steam train. When it happened, he was chuffed to bits!”

“I was in the army once and the Sergeant said to me: ‘What does surrender mean?’ I said: ‘I give up!’”

“This bloke said to me: ‘I’m going to attack you with the neck of a guitar.’ I said: ‘Is that a fret?’”

“I saw Arnold Schwarzenegger eating a chocolate egg. I said: ‘I bet I know what your favourite Christian festival is.’ He said: ‘You have to love Easter, baby.’”

“I used go out with an anaesthetist – she was a local girl.”

“Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.”

“I went to a Pretenders concert. It was a tribute act.”

“I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said ‘I want to buy an ice-cream’. He said ‘Hundreds & thousands?’ I said ‘We’ll start with one.’ He said ‘Knickerbocker glory?’ I said ‘I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.’”

“I bought a train ticket and the driver said ‘Eurostar?’ I said ‘Well, I’ve been on telly but I’m no Dean Martin.’ Still, at least it’s comfortable on Eurostar – it’s murder on the Orient Express.”

“I went into a shop and I said, ‘Can someone sell me a kettle?’ The bloke said ‘Kenwood?’ I said, ‘Where is he?’”

“I went in to a pet shop. I said, ‘Can I buy a goldfish?’ The guy said, ‘Do you want an aquarium?’ I said, ‘I don’t care what star sign it is.’”

“You know, I’m not very good at magic – I can only do half of a trick. I’m a member of the Magic Semi-circle.”

“My next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes. He’s a catholic converter.”

“He said ‘I’m going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library’. I thought ‘That’s a turn-up for the books.’”

“And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking money to him. I said ‘Do you earn a living doing that?’ He said ‘Yes, this is my livelihood.’”

“I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet ‘Best Before End…’”

“So this bloke says to me, ‘Can I come in your house and talk about your carpets?’ I thought ‘That’s all I need, a Je-hoover’s witness.’”

“So Batman came up to me & he hit me over the head with a vase & he went ‘T’PAU!’ I said ‘Don’t you mean KAPOW??’ He said ‘No, I’ve got china in my hand.’”

More jokes:

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And some hilarious quotes:

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Bài viết 55 of Tim Vine’s most hilarious jokes and one-liners – iNews đã xuất hiện đầu tiên vào ngày Funface.

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