#Rewatching and sobbing any time she has to lay this stuff out

[nostromo13]

Emily Prentiss having to lay out her Mom issues in front of her new boss to prove she's not a political pawn placed in the BAU, I completely forgot it was laid out this early. Emily being the first new addition to the team that we see it's so startling the trial period she has to go through gaining their trust (I love it)

[narvaldetierra]

BLINDSPOT REWATCH 2021 ~ S02E10 ~

And it gets worse (A one-shot) Words: 1190 Warnings: Mention of torture. Wounds. Angst. Disclaimer: This fic is translated. English isn't my first language

She was terrified the whole time. Since she woke up confused and in pain, laying over a table with her bandaged wound and Borden behind her, washing his hands, until Jane and Tasha were by her side to free her and help her go out to get medical attention. However, she didn’t allow herself to feel that terror, nor show it. She was an FBI agent, so she would find a way to get out of that situation.

She had always been good at improvising with the stuff she had around her, so as fast as she saw the IV plugged into her arm, she got the idea. She withdrew the needle from her arm and trying to be as quiet as possible, she removed the IV line from the bag. She wasn’t sure about how much she could fight against Borden, just getting up from the table had caused great pain in her abdomen, so she was counting with the advantage of surprise on her favor. The only thing she hadn't counted on it was to meet face to face with Shepherd. She knew about what she was capable of, so when she felt her gun against his head, she knew there was nothing she could do about it.

The next few hours were a living hell. It wasn’t just about enduring everything Shepherd did to her, physical pain was something she could handle, the feeling of the needle in her ear was something that had an end, and the remaining pain was even pleasant compared with her emotional pain. As Shepherd “interrogated” her, Borden just stood there, behind them, allowing it to happen. The person with whom she had thought she could build a life together, was the same person who had put her in this situation. The betrayal and her broken heart hurt much more than any needle.

However, from all that pain she took the strength she needed to face Shepherd without a trace of fear. The FBI wouldn't negotiate with terrorists and she wouldn't give any kind of intel that could help Sandstorm. She didn't lose hope that her team was looking for her, she knew they'd find a way to get to her, she just hoped they weren't too late.

It was when they were alone with Borden, or whatever his name was, that only then did she allow herself to beg him. If she only could appeal to any feeling he has had for her, if at least anything of what he had said to feel about her was true, maybe he could let her go. She was so terrified that she could feel as if her heart was going to leap out of her chest. Everything could end so fast and easy, with just a needle in her arm. For a moment he seemed to hesitate, he seemed to hear her words, but the team's arrival interrupted the moment. He took her hand, only then did she notice how cold she was because his hands were warm. He said goodbye and left her there, tied, with the IV on her arm.

Jane’s voice brought some peace to her. Tasha was there too. As they rescued her, she couldn't help but sob, she felt relief and the adrenaline she had accumulated in her system was losing effect, making her feel everything that she hadn’t been able to feel until that moment. Her abdomen and jaw hurt too much. The light dazzled her eyes when they left the house. Tasha led them to the wrecked car they had arrived in. It would not work to return but it could help to take refuge from the cold. Patterson was pale and cold, so Jane took Weller’s coat from the floor and put it on her shoulders. Then she went to look for Kurt, in case he needed help.

Tasha stayed looking after Patterson. She stood outside the car and called for a bus and some backup. Then she cleaned the tears from Patterson’s face, and then she gave her some water. She took care of her injuries, Tasha was particularly concerned about the one on her abdomen but was confident that help would arrive soon. Patterson laid her head against Tasha’s chest, and the brunette hugged her. Only then Patterson could say a word.

“I thought… I came to think that you would not arrive on time. I…”

“It’s ok, you are safe now.” Tasha tightened the hug and rubbed her shoulder. She wanted to make sure she knew she would be there for her.

“He shot me.”

Tasha didn’t say a word, she pursed her lips and kept rubbing her shoulder. It was painful to see her going through that, she had never thought that something like this could happen, but as bad as she felt about it, she knew Patterson was having a thousand times worse.

“He shot me and then he just handed me to shepherd” then her voice cracked with new sobs. Patterson knew it was more complicated than that, but to sum it all up it was what had happened.

“Shhh, easy. Take a deep breath.” Nothing she could say would help her to feel better but she needed to say something. “Deep breaths, that’s it. Just relax. We’ll be out of here in a moment, ok?” She could hear the ambulance siren and when she turned she could see Jane coming back with Weller, but there was no trace of Borden.

That night was hard, even more than being tied up to a table, at the mercy of Shepherd and Borden. After Weller leave, everything went into silence. Visiting hours had ended, the other patients were sleeping but she couldn’t stop thinking about all the events that lead her there. Every move she made, led to a sharp pain in her abdomen. She could hear the gunshot again and then Borden's face appeared in the gloom of the room. Every time she fell asleep, she could feel Sheperd’s hands over her, leading to some nightmares that woke her up after a few minutes of sleep. What was worse was that the opioids that the doctors gave her to control her pain fought against her will to stay awake, so she was trapped in a loop.

Early in the morning, Tasha went to check on her and came across a completely different Patterson from how she had seen her the day before. She seemed more cheerful and calm, despite the fact that her jaw still bother her. Then Tasha saw her laptop open over the hospital table and she scolded her for working.

“You need to take some time to heal.”

“Tash, I’m fine, really." She wasn't but she wouldn't admit that. "I need to work.”

“How do you feel?”

“It hurts, but I'll live.”

She still didn't like the idea of Patterson working from the hospital, but to be honest, she would have done the exact same thing.

“Listen… yesterday I was…”

“In shock after a very distressing experience?”

“Yeah, well, I wouldn’t say that I was in shock but…”

“Patterson, it’s ok. You don’t need to give me any explanation.”

“Thanks for being there for me.”

“Always.”

---

A/N: Fun fact, writing this I realized a headcanon I have, in which Patterson hates needles. I’m not sure to be talking about a phobia, but she certainly avoids needles every time she can.

[lovingrosewho]

The Executioner’s Song (rewrite, sort of)

NOW, ONTO THE GOOD STUFF, and that means, the new stuff :-) I’ve been rewatching all Supernatural seasons and just had to write this. Disclaimer: English isn’t my first language, feel free to give any feedback/suggestions! <3 Ily all, thanks for reading <3

ONE SHOT

Pairing: Crowley x Reader, sort of Castiel x Reader but in a friendly way

Rating: T. Angst, fluff

Word count: 3.1k+

Summary: the title pretty much explains it buuut, basically, Reader gets upset about Dean betraying Crowley

Warnings: SPOILERS AHEAD IF YOU HAVEN’T WATCHED SEASON 10, signs of depression, dialogues taken from the series at the beginning, a few curse words I guess?

When Dean handles the First Blade over to Castiel instead of Crowley, your eyes open wide in shock.

“You lied to me” Crowley says, you can sense the hurt from the betrayal in his voice.

“It’s not the first time today” Dean makes a pause with the demon’s expectant eyes “Cain’s list? You weren’t on it” Dean says and with this, Crowley vanishes.

You begin to feel dizzy, nauseous even, a void made of uncertainty taunts your heart and your stomach, you try to hide it behind being worried about Dean, which is partly true and you let that show as you hug him, relieved he’s alive, in one piece and, mostly, or so it seems, sane. Castiel looks over at you and you just know, he knows.

 The four of you get to the bunker. Not a word from anyone. At the very arrival, you excuse yourself pretending a headache along the tiredness of the whole trip, so you practically run to your room.

The minute you close the door you dial Crowley’s cellphone, your hands shaking as you do so.

 Straight to voice mail. You dial again.

“Damn it Crowley, pick up the fucking phone” you pray lowly.

 Voice mail again. You’ve got to be kidding. You dial a third time.

“What is it that you want?” he finally answers, voice tone a bit raised, taking into account it’s you and he never raises his voice with you, either way, you can’t but let a breath out of relief at hearing him.

“Can you come over here? Please, I’m in my room” you’re not finished telling him and he hangs up.

“Damn it Crowley!” you exclaim again while you dial his number a fourth time, the second ring hasn’t sound when he appears standing in front of you.

“What?!” he almost screams, locking the door of your room with his demon powers. He’s not afraid about Sam and Dean coming in, all guns waving and pointing at him, no, he fears for you, aware that if the Winchesters hear you, not only will they scold you, but could also stop trusting you, hell, they could even lock you up thinking it was his doing the fact that you were friends with him.

“I didn’t know!” you confess instantly, body trembling and feeling like you’re going to puke any minute. You know how Crowley feels about treason, you know damn well and you just can’t let him think you had anything to do with it. He takes a few steps back and looks at you up and down.

“Why should I believe you, (Y/N)? And how? How am I supposed to believe you? Tell me” he raises his voice once again, he doesn’t like doing that with you but this time he just can’t help himself “If you four had only told me the truth I would have gladly agreed and helped you!”

“I know, I know!” you whimper, knowing that is a big-ass declaration from Crowley, and that he wouldn’t normally admit to it, he’s just doing it because it’s you, and he’s hurt. You try to maintain your posture and not let your voice crack weeping “I swear, I had nothing to do with it, if I had known I’d have tried to convince Dean to tell you the truth! I swear!”

Crowley is about to vanish, tired of listening to you, tired of the lies, of the doubts; first his minions being influenced by Abaddon, then his mother, next the Winchesters and now... he never thought he would doubt of his most beloved hunter. A single tear escapes your eyes and Crowley stops dry from disappearing, the temptation to remove that single tear being more powerful than him, the King of Hell.

You’ve known Crowley since he was a blood junkie, locked up in the Winchester’s dungeon. Your friendship started as a naïve excuse to pass the time, at first with just a couple of hostile phrases a day when you found him, and obviously discovered he was a demon, not just any demon but the King of Hell himself, and soon after it turned into something else. When you broke your arm in a fight and had to spend a couple of months skipping on hunts, the boredom increased your time in the dungeon with Crowley while the boys were gone, and you began to admit you liked the guy, perhaps a little too much. Months kept passing and the habit of sneaking into Crowley’s room while the boys were out, stayed, sometimes you would even take the cuffs and chains off of him and let him walk and stretch inside the devils trap, he would always behave and let you put the chains back on. When he managed to free himself from the brothers, he would visit you in your room when no one else in the bunker could hear you; you would talk about anything, his life, your life, Hell, current or past hunts, funny anecdotes... you were not ready to lose that. Not now, not ever. 

Crowley stares deep into your eyes as he holds your face in both his hands and wipes the tear off your cheek. 

“Look at me... and tell me if I’m lying” you say slowly. He sighs.

“I’m sorry, Pet. I can’t” and with this final sentence, he leaves the room, disappearing and leaving you alone.

You swallow hard, your steps conducting you backwards until you hit the end of the bed and are able to sit. At last, you break down in tears, sobs and whines flooding you from the inside out when you hear a knock at the door. 

“(Y/N)?” it’s Castiel “(Y/N) are you okay?”

You don’t respond, and Cas is forced to unlock the door and come in. He stares in shock at you but immediately locks the door back so Sam and Dean won’t come up asking questions. He sits next to you and doubtfully touches your shoulder for you to look at him, which you don’t do.

“He won’t talk to me ever again Castiel” you say in between sobs.

 “Who won’t?” he asks confused, but having a mild idea of who you might be referring to.

 “Crowley! He thinks I knew about Dean handing over the blade to you and not him...” you keep whimpering “He won’t believe me, whatever we had it’s over”.

 Cas nods understandingly and reaches out to hug you, your face covering his chest with tears.

 “(Y/N) maybe it’s for the best... Crowley is...” he begins but you interrupt him, separating from his grip.

 “No you don’t understand. He’s changed. I know it seems impossible but he has. And he truly believed he could be friends with us, I know it, I know him. Castiel I...” your voice breaks.

“(Y/N)” he intertwines his hand with yours “I know”.

He holds you again, and you cry and cry for hours in that same position with him until you fall asleep. Castiel lifts you up and leaves you laying across your bed, he takes your shoes off and puts a few blankets on top of you.

When he comes down everything is quiet, the Winchesters have surely gone to sleep, or at least get some rest after the day they’ve had.

The following morning you don’t come out of your room, not for breakfast, dinner, research, anything.

“What’s up with (Y/N)?” Deans asks, looking towards your room.

“She...” Castiel tries to explain “Wasn’t feeling very well. I’ll go check on her”.

The brothers look at each other and nod at Castiel’s offer.

“Hey, could you please bring her something to eat?” Sam asks politely.

“Yes. Of course” Cas answers.

When he enters your room, he notices you haven’t changed your clothes, and you’re in the same position he left you last night.

“(Y/N)?” he says, leaving a tray of food on your desk “How are you feeling?”

“Not hungry” you say without facing him, smelling the hot breakfast he just left a couple of feet away from you.

“Well... you need to eat. You’re human” he reminds you.

“So? Not hungry” you repeat. He sits beside you and slightly caresses your hair.

“Okay then, we’ll be downstairs if you need us... or just, you know, pray for me” he tells you before getting up and prepare to leave your room until you jump all of a sudden. 

“Wait! Castiel!” you say, startling him.

“What? Whats is it?”

“Please... don’t tell Dean what this is about... he’ll just... he wouldn’t understand” you beg him. Cas nods his head in agreement. 

“Of course”.

When Cas comes down, both Winchesters are looking at him, raising his hands as asking what is going on.

“It’s... like I said, she’s not feeling very well” he tells them when he’s at the table with both.

“Well what does she have?” Deans asks demandingly.

 “I... she wouldn’t say” Cas lies, which gains him a weird look from Dean.

 “Ok that’s it, I’m going up” declares Dean and Cas gets up sharply.

 “Dean! No! She said she didn’t wanna be bothered” Castiel exclaims worried.

 The weird look on Dean remains until he rolls his eyes, says “fine” and heads for the kitchen instead.

 Sam has stayed silent the whole time until Dean leaves.

 “Cas” Sams calls him in a low voice “Is this about Crowley?”

 Castiel sighs and nods.

 “Guess she’ll just have to pull through with this one” Sam follows Castiel’s sigh.

 You don’t go out of your room for two days in a row, sadness consuming you. The third day you decide you’ve had enough and come downstairs to help the boys with research, no one says a word but Dean.

“Hiya there kiddo, had us worried sick but Cas said you didn’t wanna be bothered, everything okay?” Dean tells you, making you smile softly.

“Yeah, yeah. Just you know, some headaches, it felt like I was hungover the whole day, guess that tension from the last adventure really took a hit on me” you lie marvelously. 

“Yeah. But you’re back, we are back, and that’s what matters” Dean tells you and you smile nodding, containing your tears again, you know you are not fully back.

It’s been a couple of weeks and Crowley won’t answer any of your calls, hence you stop calling him.

You miss him, you miss his voice and spending time with him. The boys notice even if you’re back up enlisting on hunts and helping them, something’s definitely off with you. You don’t eat enough, you practically don’t sleep, you barely smile or laugh anymore, and you seem distracted half of the time. It hurts Castiel more than anyone seeing you like this, so he decides to break his vow and talk to Dean.

“You have to call Crowley” he tells Dean when he and Sam are alone in the bunker whilst you are in your room “You have to tell him it was your idea to give the blade to me, you can even mention Sam but not (Y/N)”.

“And why would I do that?” Dean asks confused and a bit angry.

“Look around you Dean” Sam tells him “Something’s off with (Y/N) since that day, it’s not even 9pm and she’s already locked in her room, she didn’t even eat when we got back”.

Dean looks at both of them and grunts.

“How are you so sure this is about Crowley?”

 “Because she told me” Castiel confesses “Now, call him”.

 Dean looks impassive at Cas and Sam but takes his phone out and dials Crowley’s number.

 First call goes to voice mail.

 “Well that’s it, I’m not calling that dickbag again” he declares and Cas catches his arm, grabbing and stopping him from putting away his cellphone.

 “Try again” Castiel threatens. Dean rolls his eyes but agrees.

 “Squirrel, long time no see” Crowley finally answers “How are you?”

 “Listen you son of a bitch” Dean begins “I don’t know what you did or told (Y/N) but...”

 “Oh I didn’t tell, much less do, anything to her”.

 It hasn’t been easier for Crowley. He’s got the advantage he doesn’t eat nor sleep, but distraction has definitely been present. Every time his mother or his minions call him he’s just thinking of you, about answering your calls, about calling back. He misses you, your voice, your laugh.

“Well she hasn’t been okay and the only thing I know is it has to do with you” Dean tells him “She hasn’t anything to do with the fact that I didn’t handle you the blade, that’s on me, Sam and perhaps Cas, but not her. She knew nothing, you hear me? Nothing. ‘Cause see here’s the thing, we didn’t tell her ‘cause I knew you two got along and if I had told her she would have put up a fight and claim it was unfair. Now she won’t sleep, nor eat enough, she’s distracted on hunts and that almost got her killed a couple of times already, so you either fix it or I’ll come down there looking to kill you Crowley I swear”.

With this last phrase he hangs up and throws his phone away, without expecting Crowley to answer, this is non-negotiable.

The King of Hell’s stomach suddenly fills with hope and excitement, it’s not the fact that Dean called him about what happened, no, it’s just that he did not know you cared that much for him, he’d figured after a while you would stop calling and move on.

You wake up in the middle of the night and... what time is it exactly? Phone says 3am. Great. You sit slowly, yawning, still sleepy, and turn on your bedside lamp.

Suddenly you see Crowley standing in front of you and you almost scream whilst reaching for your gun.

“Crowley! For the love of... what the actual hell are you doing in my room?!” you hiss at him, exasperated, tossing the gun aside.

“Well hello to you too, love” he exclaims sarcastically.

“Answer the question, what are you doing here?” you ask again, tired and afraid this is just some sick joke.

“I was bored. Thought I’d pay you a visit” he says walking, or more like snooping, around your room. 

“And you needed to do that at 3 in the morning? When I’m sleeping? And when you haven’t returned my calls in weeks?” you reclaim but he stays silent, still going through some of the stuff placed at your desk. 

You exhale sharply. 

“Whatever, I need to pee, do not touch anything, you understand me?”

 “Yes, yes. Understood, Pet. I’ll be right here”.

You get up from your bed and walk barefoot towards the restroom. When you’re sit in the toilet, your mind begins wondering what truly brings the King of Hell to your room. Perhaps he’s aware that you miss him. Perhaps he misses you too. Or maybe it’s a dream. Maybe he is telling the truth and was just bored of all the meetings.

 You get back to your room to find Crowley laying across your bed.

 “Everything alright, Pet? Was beginning to wonder what took you so long” he tells you. Deep, dark stare into your eyes.

 “Yeah” you say, approaching the edge of the bed, staring back at him “I do everything slower at this time. Now, scoot over”.

 He slides a few inches to the side of the bed, letting you lay down next to him. You turn a few degrees facing him, while Crowley keeps looking at the ceiling, but paying attention to every and each one of your moves, that is until you place your arm across his chest and your hand begins mindlessly caressing the thin fabric from his suite shirt, while you breathe in his scent, the sulphur, the ash, the expensive scotch and fresh cologne.

“(Y/N)?” he begins carefully, voice low “What are you doing?“

“What does it look like I’m doing?”

“Yes, beg your pardon, why are you doing it?” Crowley asks but cautiously places an arm around you and starts stroking your hair.

“I... I’ve missed you” you confess as you bury your face in his shoulder “Does... does this bother you?”

Your question puts a soft smile in his mouth while he turns to look at your half-hidden face. 

“Not in the slightest, kitten” his declaration is greeted with a relieved and dreamy sigh from you “I’ve missed you too, you know?”

 “You have?” you ask incredulously “I thought you didn’t care...”

 “Of course I care. But here I thought you were the one who didn’t care...” that’s when your engines start rotating and it hits you.

 “Did you speak to Castiel?” you interrogate him, fully facing him now.

 “Castiel? No. I spoke to Dean though” he says guessing what happened. Knowing you, you wouldn’t have let Dean figure out what you were so upset about, Cas must’ve told him “He wanted some intel on someone, don’t know, don’t care, and it slipped the fact that you weren’t feeling so well”.

“What else did he say?” you ask him, going back to your task of running your fingers across his chest. In this moment, you couldn’t care less how he found out, he’s here, with you.

He inhales deeply.

“That you had nothing to do with the idea of lying to me...” he feels your body tense underneath him “Which, by the way, I figured a couple of hours after our little discussion”.

“Then why didn’t you say anything?” anger beginning to creep on you, body still stiff.

“Because I thought you didn’t care that much” he admits “I thought it was for the best. To be honest, I was unsure about what to even tell you after the tantrum I threw that day”.

He places a hand under your chin for you to look him in the eyes.

 “I am sorry, (Y/N)” the King of Hell apologizes and you relax, hugging him a bit tighter.

 “I love you” he’s taken aback by your declaration but after a few seconds he smiles gently.

 “I love you too, Pet” with this sentence he brings your chin up and lowers his lips sweetly onto yours. He tastes like honey, citrus and scotch, and all you ever thought he’d taste like.

 The kiss is so tender and so slow that you’re able to wander your hand towards his hair and then his cheek. 

When the two of you break the kiss, you spend an exaggerated amount of time looking at each other, assimilating the reciprocated love. After a while you start talking about everything and nothing, just like old times, cuddling until you fall asleep, and Crowley, the King of Hell, has the honor to be the one to hold you in his arms.

MASTERLIST

[indigopurple]

Basically a review of OP episode 503 ig

Currently rewatching post-war arc (in the dub so I don't have any screenshots for u guys sry) and theres a few things id like to point out.

During a conversation Dadan once had with Garp, they were talking about Roger. Garp said that even if they were facing powerful enemies, he would never run away because he wouldnt dare leaving his comrads behind; it wasnt an option for him. Obviously we see this in Ace. But ALSO, isnt this what he did with Katakuri? It was a little different cuz of the setting mostly, but he separated himself from his crew to fight off katakuri, and lied to them about being okay so they didn't worry (he was already getting his ass kicked by then, so he just made that stupid smile and told them not to worry (or smth like that, I can remember the exact line) (that smile was so gross and fake cuz he fucking sucks at lying). Also he said roger destroyed a buncha soldiers cuz they mouthed off his men. That's what Ace tried to do but instead he died. :(

"The pain he went through just made him hold on tighter to the ones he loved" -Garp, about Roger. "Despite his flaws and his bad reputation, his crew still trusted him completely." -also Garp, about Roger. These both sound a lot like Luffy AND Ace.

When Dogra got home and told everyone about Sabo's ship being shit down and him dying (which we all know didnt happen, thank fuck), (by the way the absolutely lost looks on Ace's and Luffy's faces with the sudden silence hurt like a bitch), Luffy started crying and said "WE SHOULDNT'A LET HIM GO, IT'S ALL OUR FAULT". Which fucking says something about him (thinking of episodes 913-915 when he goes fucking berserk, but before that he learns that Kaido probably killed Tama and he says "I should've escorted them..!" (*ugly cries*)). Ace also reacted pretty similarly-- "Sabo...why didn't we go back into town and bring him back here?! We're so stupid!" And he gets mad and asks where he could find the bastard that killed him (obviously not getting a good answer since it was a fucking celestial dragon ugh). That is what Luffy does, in present time. He results to anger first, not sadness. Not sure when he learned to do that but I'm 99 percent sure it was from Ace. Also the blaming himself thing? High chance thats ALSO from Ace. Who else would teach him that self hating behaviour?!

Dadan pins Ace down to stop him from going after the Celestial Dragon to calm him down, telling him he cant do anything, he's not big or strong enough to do anything and he'll be killed as soon as he tries anything, especially since it was the whole country -the whole WORLD- that killed Sabo. He can't do anything. And then they tied him to a tree outside to let him cool off. Oh yeah then he also told luffy to stop crying like a little girl or else he'll- (and he didn't finish the sentence). ...Ok maybe thats why luffy started being more angry than sad.

This is where things get a little more :( . Ace reads the letter Sabo sent them before he died. As he reads, he walks to the end of the forest, to a cliff overlooking the ocean. And starts fucking bawling (btw the voice actor who had Ace's childhood part did not do a very good job, no where near as in character and real as Coleen Clickenberg did with all of Luffy's crying scenes. She was spot on.) ...do you see where im going with that? He isolated himself before letting himself feel sad. It was all rage and then calm beforehand. Y-you see where im going with that. Dont make me say it.

"How's Luffy doing, is he any better?" "Well...he hasnt been eating much, but he still eats twice as much as we do". Oh look, That's what happened after Ace died too. There's a behavioral pattern that hasnt gone away. Not sure why it wouldve tho.

Luffy is mopeing, lying on the ground in a similar setting ace was at when he cried. Hes thinking about some of the things Sabo said, like how theyre gonna sail the seas together, and he clenches his hands into tight, shaking fists. After Ace shows up and hits him, and talking abt some other stuff I don't feel like relaying, Luffy tightens his grip on the straw hat and tells ace, whimpering, he wants to get stronger (and stronger, and stronger, and stronger and stronger and....) And he wants to be the strongest in the world. "And then, I'll protect everyone. I won't lose anyone I care about". He gets stronger mainly to protect the people he loves. And then he asks ace to promise he won't die. To which he hits Luffy again and tells him he should be more worried about himself dying first. And then the famous line that hurts like a bitch- "I'm NEVER going to DIE!" And then this hopeful music comes on (fucking damnit funimation, u gotta do this? Really??) Also he says he wont die as long as he has a wussy little brother to protect. ...FUCK. Ok, the fist clenching is a thing he does all the fucking time, usually when he gets mad. This was different because he wasnt mad, he was sad. He clenched his fist because thinking about it hurt. Which, huh, sounds a lot like his whole episode after waking up from his 2 week coma on the polar tang. To try and stop the mental pain of those horrendous memories, he resulted to physically pain. He hurt himself. So, He clenches his fists in times like these to fight off the mental pain and the urge to cause himself physical pain. Guys, our boy is bad at emotions, help him. ....ok this paragraph is longer than I anticipated so ill dumb down the rest of it ig. Next part, him asking ace to promise he wont die. The music, the body language, the over change in mood- this comforts him. He stopped hiding his face and silently sobbing after ace said this. OH YEAH! didn't he tell jinbe not to die when they parted ways in Totto Land? And then, hes missing still in Wano and we see Luffy is worried....but convinced Jinbe will show up. Again, this comforts him. Hes nervous cuz someone KOFF KOFF ACE broke that promise once. But jinbe is his crew mate so he trusts him, thank god.

"-But whoever did it, they must be opposed to freedom." The whole freedom thing? That runs through Luffy's blood and spirit.His brothers fought for it, his dad is the man who strives to give everyone freedom basically, and Luffy himself has seen enough of the OPPOSITE of freedom to be so, so much more than just against it. Hence why he of course was so eager to free the slaves in Sabaody, the kids in punk hazard, the toys in dressrosa, the country of Wano from Kaido's tyrany. The apple doesnt fall far from the tree huh.

I dont think Luffy would remember his promise with Shanks if it werent for his brothers putting feul to his dream. It was a stupid bet at first; he just wanted to beat Shanks, right then. But after meeting Sabo and Ace, he found the opposite of freedom and human rights. And then he wanted, REALLY wanted, to become the free-est man in the world; the pirate king.

Last one i promise ok? This one is less connected to whats going on in the episode at this point, but something I noticed (its so obvious everyone has seen this ok) was when luffy cries, his posture is always open. He doesn't curl in on himself like many people would do (I know I would, lol). He doesnt hug himself, protect himself. He's just, opened up to whoever is watching, literally. This has a little more to do with something I haven't talked about much in this post yet; his self-destruction issues. I said he tried to hurt himself when he felt mental pain, which is definitely similar. But he cries and doesnt try to protect or comfort himself, like he doesn't have that programmed into his mind. Reminder that he only wants to live because of his dream, and if he doesnt have his dream, he wants to die. (Whoa.). Ok, so no self preservation mechanism at all rlly. Hes basically ride or die. So, when things hurt so much that he cries, he has no hope left. He just kinda...dies inside. So this was mildly different after sabo died. Yes we saw him just standing there, sobbing. But the next day he's still crying, and instead he's laying on the ground. I saw that and the voice in the back of my head told me he wanted to be a part of that lifeless dirt beneath him. Then, Ace walked over. And his words made him feel the hope that I told you about earlier, and he sat up into a sitting position. And HUGGED HIS LEGS TO HIS CHEST. There's some self preservation! Some hope! Some will to exist, to live! Something we saw none of as he sat in front of his brothers corpse, shutting down. He sat there, open to his enemies, incapable of protecting himself. Practically anyone couldve killed him right then and there. I think he mightve liked that, at that moment. Like thank god he has that stupidly good luck cuz if he didn't I swear someone couldve thrown and axe or FUCKING ANYTHING AT THAT MOMENT and hed be dead becuase he never physically or mentally prepared himself. On purpose.

Our poor boy needs some fucking attention and therapists. (Insert my rant post about how jinbe is on the crew primarily for anger management and therapy, not just being a helmsman.) Ugh, smh ugly cries

Aaaaand thats about the end of the episode. Theres so many little tics and peesonality traits that you notive thru this episode, and I only noticed them cuz im rewatching this part of the show for like the third time. I don't react as much as the first time of course but some things are definitely sadder after knowing what's going on and what will happen later on.

Moral of the story (post)? I think luffy is almost equally as alike -if not, more similar to roger as ace is. Also, high key genuinely think Luffy met like NO ONE but Garp before he met Shanks and his crew. What the fuck was his first like 5 years of being alive like? (He wantd to be a pirate cuz Garp didnt want that. Rebellious baby asshole. And then shanks made things worse, in a good way for luffy. And then ace and sabo made that worse thing worse for a good reason. Luffy lives...for those influences. And that is fucking it. Why.

Oh thanks tumblr for moving my picture to the bottom of the post u fucking idiot

[girlbookwrm]

It’s here! At last!  THE MIGHTY PRE ENDGAME REWATCH CONTINUES, WITH:

AKA IS IT MY BIRTHDAY? YES. YES IT IS.

(or it was at any rate, it took me Some Time to get this all typed up because holy fuck it’s long. looks like i’ve got Some Feelings about The Winter Soldier. WHO KNEW)

ANYWAY, if you’re wondering what the hell this is all about i’ve been rewatching all the marvel movies (and commentating on them) in preparation for Avengers: Endgame and NOW IT IS TIME FOR MY FAVORITE ONE

I got @goteamwin​ and @pegasuschick​ here IT’S A PARTY! WE GOT COOL RANCH DORITOS AND BRAINWASHED SUPERSOLDIERS LET’S DO THIS.

Day 912: i still miss the old marvel logo

LISTEN THIS IS THE BEST OPENING SCENE IN MARVEL HISTORY FIGHT ME.

“~on your left ;)~” honestly? iconic.

God Bless Steven Grant Rogers and his Smedium Shirts.

Steve, known bisexual disaster, is hitting on Sam here. this isn’t even in question, right? Sam’s quip about “making me look good to the girl at the front desk” was a soft rejection and Steve takes it like a champ.

Important to note: the black widow uses emojis in her text messages. 

Also important to note: Sam Wilson hits on the Black Widow because he flies into combat at 100 miles per hour wearing a tee-shirt and dad jeans he fears nothing not even death itself

also also important to note that The Roommate went to see this movie by herself, low key cosplaying as Fem!Cap. she did this in part because I had gone to see it first (i was in the UK at the time, and it came out over there before it came out in the US. ~IRONY~) and as soon as I got back from seeing it (i had low-key cosplayed as fem!Hawkeye. it’s a long story) I emailed her and was like O HAI U SEEN DIS? U WILL LIKE IT. ~and she dii-iiiiiid.~

every time i see this scene now, i hear that bit from the gag real.

cevans: Kill the engines. wait for instructions. *whining and stamping his foot* cuz i’m in chaaaaaaaarge.

Being asked about your dating life and then immediately jumping out of an airplane is a Big Mood

I would like us all to appreciate that steve put a nice matte stealth finish on his patriotic dinner plate, special for this mission. 

Also, we’re all agreed that Steve kills at pool, yeah? Give me Steve being a pool shark at the local watering hole plz n thank.

Steve: *punches a guy through the shield*

The Roommate: but why does he punch that guy through the shield?

Me, having a Terrible Thought: Maybe one time he accidentally punched through a guy’s face and ever since then he uses the shield as, like, a buffer when he wants to take people alive.

The Gal Pal: WOW. YOU WENT THERE.

parkour!

~Hey Sailor ;)~

that one guy working for Batroc really needs to lay off the steroids, or whatever is giving him this Unnecessary Rage. You know the guy I mean.

love how batroc is jchilling and then WHAM! IT IS I! AMERICA!

ON! VA! VOIR!

did he learn this from Dernier? he learned this from Dernier.

The Gal Pal: that is a ridiculously huge flash drive

Me, Just Now: overcompensate much?

Nat’s little eyeroll after Steve says “you’re damn right”

The Roommate: Nat is So Tired of Steve’s Drama™. And now she’s going to have to deal with his cold shoulder the whole flight back, and she’s going to have no one to talk to but Rumlow and uggghhhhhh

Steve comes into Fury's office and Damn. Dat Ass.

The Roommate: They know what they're doing here.

eyyyyyy tony’s in this movie (kinda)

I love that Steve just like, drives around with the shield on his back. 

Enter The Smithsonian.

The Roommate: I! LOVE! THIS! SO! MUUUUUUCH!!!

Me: Gee sure would be nice to be able to go to a smithsonian right now.

*american sobbing intensifies*

The Roommate: what is the timeline here? does he come straight back from the mission into yelling at fury? and then straight here?? Is Steve just like “oop time to go look at my old stuff and Emote”? Is this his routine??

buckyyyyyyyyyyy

listen yall know the extent of my BuckRogers feels but every time they pull out that compass i develop a terrible case of The Steggies.

“It’s just not the same” ha ha kill me.

~So Dramatic ;)~

“Steve?” HA HA HA KILL ME

Fury’s Computer:

At This Juncture The Commentators Would Like It Noted That It Has Been 23 Solid Minutes of Stuff We 1000% L O V E and everyone’s favorite brainwashee has not even appeared yet.

but he’s coming

s o o n

Also, we all hate Alexander Pierce but he is a great villain and also Robert Redford might be an older fella but he can definitely still get it heyooo

Steve is so awkward here. But like, imagine him actually going to one of these VA things, like everyone’s all “ied this, helicopter that” and steve’s just like “so one time in ‘44 i punched my way into a panzer”

The Roommate, Who Is Sometimes More Evil Than Me: ~NOW IS AN EXCELLENT TIME TO REMEMBER THAT RILEY WASN’T IN A PLAAAAAANE~

at this moment, the DC driving types lost their goddamn minds.

“WHAT IS THIS? WHERE IS THIS SUPPOSED TO BE? WHERE, IN WASHINGTION, THE DISTRICT OF GODDAMN COLUMBIA, IS THERE THIS LITTLE TRAFFIC, HUH??”

“You wanna see my lease?” i c o n i c. 

Did you know that SLJ was an actual Black Panther? I did not know this, but as soon as the Gal Pal told me, i was like “oh yeah that checks out.”

meanwhile, the couch based road rage continued all around me.

“This part of DC ~DOES NOT EXIIIIIIIIIIIIST~”

“Traffic alert? on the Roosevelt Bridge? Yeah in other news WATER IS WET.”

“wait is he getting on 66? ARE YOU GETTING ON 66?? WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU???”

“Have you ever even been on 495?????”

HE’S HERE!!!

just like, damn gurl, u make that highway ur catwalk. 

Me: What the hell kind of laser pointer do you have there, Nick?

The Gal Pal & The Roommate: It’s A Lightsaber.

The Roommate: So is this just like? An Average Day In The Life Of Captain Rogers? Get up, go for a run, annoy a veteran, fly to the other side of the world, kick ass, fly home, talk back to a superior officer, drop my priceless shield off at home, go emote at a smithsonian exhibit, have my heart ripped out by my nonagenarian ex, go flirt with annoy a veteran (part two, now with added Feelings™) go home, get rejected by my neighbor, CHASE A FUGITIVE.

JUST ANOTHER DAY! IN THE LIFE OF STEVEN GRANT ROGERS!!

honestly his neighbors must hate him

that’s why Sharon’s his neighbor, everyone else LEFT.

The Biggest Flash Drive

Let’s Not Forget, that because she is undercover as a nurse, Sharon probably just kicked that door down with crocs.

YOU’RE WELCOME

let’s appreciate that the Soldier’s theme music is just SCREAMING and also you should know that every time it comes on, the Gal Pal and I start SCREAMING. not, like, in an “oh we’re excited” way, just, like, the way you sing along to the theme song of your favorite TV show, you know?

PARKOUR!

The Roommate: good job with your eyeliner there, buddy. You Did Your Best.

The Gal Pal: That Is Dupont Circle and Steve is Extremely Gay. 

(yes, we know he’s bi.)

Natasha really should know better than to believe that Nick is dead.

THAT IS THE WORST PLACE TO HIDE THE FLASH DRIVE

The Gal Pal: genuinely, it’s such a bad hiding place it stresses me out.

The Roommate: Yeah, what was he thinking? I mean, was his logic just that no one likes that gross bubblegum?

Me: UM WHAT?

The Gal Pal: EXCUSE YOU THAT IS BUBBLE YUM.

The Roommate: ... yeah but it’s the gross bubblegum flavor?

At this point we lost a few minutes to divide into Pro and Anti Bubblegum Camps and then had to run the movie back because we missed:

~Neighbor ;)~

i c o n i c

The Roommate: Sir. Stop Having That Face. That is Illegal.

(she is having A Difficulty. The Difficulty is cevans’ jawline)

But seriously: What actually happens in this scene? We are all Steve and we all want to punch our way out of this confusing conversation.

God that face/those tits/that ass tho

Young Man. You Stop That.

THE ELEVATOR SCENE. I mean how many movies can say that some of their best scenes happen in an elevator? That alone is a real accomplishment.

They’re all ~soooo casual~ and then there’s rollins, who isn’t even trying. “records.” These WWE wrestlers are not going to records, come on.

at this point we stopped commentating except in inarticulate whoops of delight and shrieks of glee. except for one brief aside

Me: This scene is so sexy, but like, not in a sexy way? Like, the fighting style isn’t that “oooo I’m fighting in a sexy way” it’s just, it’s so...!

The Roommate: Primal?

and I regret to inform you all that yes, she is 100% Correct, it is indeed sexy in a primal way.

“whoa big guy”

i just.

that’s all i got on that

tiny turtle of freedom

we had the subtitles on, and it just says “woman screams” Screams in what? JOY? 

It’s raining men! Hallelujah!

“Stand down, Captain Rogers! Stand! Down!

Captain Rogers: *accelerates*

They’re being made to watch social media so what I want to know is which poor SHIELD guy got stuck monitoring tumblr?

“oh we’re getting all kinds of hits but uhhhhhhhhh they’re not......... pertinent..............”

why doesn’t The Biggest Flash Drive have a cap? it is now full of crumbs. it’s full of crumbs, guys. if it’s going to be that big it should at least be one of those cool slider ones.

“Are you calling for my resignation? do you know who i am? Bitch I Am Robert Redford.”

Apple Store Aaron. “hey guys why’s your flash drive so big??”

“yeeeah. we’re getting married.”

Honeymoon destinations -- where are you going?

Steve: (without thinking, reads the first thing he sees) New Jersey

Steve: *dies a little inside*

Steve: *forgive me bucky for i have sinned*

I love that they’re coming out and Steve is 100% tactical brain and then Nat’s just like “put your arm around me and laugh” and when it works Steve just looks back over his shoulder like:

oh my god it worked???

sPyING is WitCHCraFT?????

“was that your first kiss since 1945?”

“That was not my first kiss since 1945,” said Steven Grant Rogers, Who Is Definitely Lying, and Furthermore, Is Fooling Exactly No One.

Sidenote: Ship and let ship, obviously and always, but I love Steve and Nat as BROS too much to ever see them romantically, The Bromance Is Strong With Them.

it’s been said before, but it’s worth saying again

Steve: kind of hard to find someone with shared life experience.

Bucky, ten minutes later, wearing bondage gear: HELLO IT IS I

SKINNY STEVE!

of course he memorized the army regulations.

Listen. The cell phone trick Bugs Me™ and the only thing that lets me get through it is the idea that they cleverly cut around natasha standing there for 40 minutes trying out every possible permutation of those numbers, with possible duplications.

I like the idea that Computer!Zola has been building this little fanvideo since the mid-seventies and he’s just! so excited! to show it to someone!

Steve punching the screen is another Big Mood.

“even captain america and the black widow can’t survive a missile Directly To The Face” BITCH U THOUGHT

it’s nice that they give bucko a kirk light here

~u want some milk? ;)~

honestly, what the fuck even is that line.

they made Robert Redford say that line.

what does it mean

YOUNG MAN! THAT IS! ILLEGAL!

altho tbh i want a slightly grubby Steve in a tank top to give me a pep talk, like, every day. that would be fine.

The Gal Pal, A Curly Haired Individual: hhhhhhhow did Natasha straighten her hair. This makes me So Angry.

Me: I mean, I like to imagine her with Sam’s Iron and ironing board, just like *mimes frantically ironing hair with a Very Soviet Expression*

Fort Meade is the best scene that isn’t in the movie.

Aw Gary Shandling’s here. Awwwww Gary Shandling...

Sam, are you intimidating this guy or flirting with him?

To Those who remember the Potato/Gremlin Scale, I propose a third option, a kind of venn diagram situation going on, where the third option is Fey Creature. Sam is neither Potato nor gremlin, but he might be a Fey Creature.

God I love this scene.

LOOK AT SAM HERE: No armor, no flightsuit, no fucking knee pads no goddamn helmet just Casual Dad Falcon, Suns Out Guns Out.

Steve: What the fuck’s an SAT.

he’s coming.

*SCREAMING*

he’s here.

is it murder or is he modeling?? “you got this Soldier, make ‘em wait for it... Boom.”

this is the greatest fight scene of all time, honestly. This and then the fight scene in the first RDJ holmes movie are the Only fight scenes i can even remotely stand to watch. Except maybe some of the bending battles in ATLA. but this scene. this is top of the list. it’s just. *kissy chef fingers*

Soldier strolling along not firing his weapon because he has no shot and he is a Child of the Depression who don’t waste no bullets.

only loses his cool when Widow Breaks his stuff.

Sam Wilson: Brings a pocket knife to an automatic rifle fight and wins.

“go, I got this!”

aw yeah you do

THAT STRUT���

Soldier strolling along the street. so bored. could be home watching project runway.

That thing Soldier does with the arm Does Things to me for reasons that I choose not to examine too closely

ANYWAY WE DON’T HAVE TIME TO UNPACK ALL OF THAT.

“who the hell is bucky” wow there Soldier you went from Full Russian to American Accented English awfully quick I Wonder Why

Soldier’s reaction to confusion is to Immediately Shoot and honestly that’s a Big Mood.

We are all agreed that the only reason SHIELD succeeds in taking Steve in is because

look at that face

steve’s not here right now, please leave a message.

More DC Area Rage: “WHERE IS THIS DAM? WHERE??”

natasha y r u surprised that Fury is alive?

oh noooooooooooo it’s time for this scene

OHHHHH NOOOOOOOOOOO

Robert Redford to James Buchanan Barnes: You are a literal treasure.

OH NO OH NO OH NO

The Roommate: yeahhhhh this was maybe an. inappropriate scene for me to have to see in a theater. alone.

I love that while they’re making this ridiculous plan (yeah it’s ridiculous, i don’t care) Fury has to check in with Sam (WHO HE HAS LITERALLY NEVER MET BEFORE) presumably to just touch base and be like “Is this White Nonsense™?”

spoiler alert it is not White Nonsense™, but it definitely is Extra™

DAT JAWLINE THO. of course he’s giving the orders, LOOK AT THAT JAWLINE

LIL STEEB!

I’m with you to the end of the line.

what kind of marriage vow nonsense is that

jesus.

anyway, Sam comes in like: IT IS I! YOUR BEST FRIEND! YOUR BEST FRIEND IS ME NOW!

poooterrrr!!

This is the second secure government facility that they have broken into. Possibly the third, depending whether you count the bunker.

Dem Asses. Seriously. Everyone in this shot has an enviable ass. *distinguished golf clapping* bravo

“~Excuse us~” i c o n i c

God, Steve gives this speech and then we get sam’s reaction and you can physically see him having a sexual identity crisis and honestly BIG MOOD THERE, SAM

I have questions about the effect of this on the potomac river which has already had a hard enough time and does not deserve this Supervillain Nonsense.

you are ON FOOT steven. it is a FLYING AIRCRAFT CARRIER and you are ON! FOOT!

i’m so mad that it works too

mad, but like, also turned on. duh.

what’s cap’s true superpower? DRAMA

The saddest thing in this movie is that Jenny Agutter is Scarlet Johansson

don’t get me wrong, i like scarjo but this movie would’ve been even better if it wasn’t the black widow and was just a badass old british lady.

The Roommate: Sam’s superpower is that he’s the sane one.

Me: He flies into combat at 100 miles per hour with a jet pack and a tee shirt he is not the sane one.

The Roommate: Sam’s superpower is that he’s the emotionally balanced one?

Me: given the aforementioned armorless airborne combat situation that is highly fucking debatable my dude.

*SCREAMING*

HE’S HERE

let’s appreciate that Bucky is definitely flying this quinjet with a dead guy that he just murdered as his copilot.

i don’t know why that is so badass to me but it is

again, we don’t have time to unpack all of that, moving on.

Nick Fury: BITCH YOU THOUGHT

sidenote: i’m gonna really enjoy coming back to this movie after Captain Marvel. I can just feel it.

Maria is so casual about this. And that is an extremely sexy thing. I’m not sorry.

“Hey Sam, I’m gonna need a ride.”

Sam is still learning Rogersese and does not know that this means “I ALREADY DID THE STUPID THING PLEASE COME GET ME.”

Bucky ripping the wings off a beautiful butterfly

because Sam IS a beautiful butterfly.

except now his knees and legs and ankles are all broken because That’s How Bones Work.

he’s here

lol of course he’s got a knife.

I just love the sounds the arm makes.

butwedon’thavetimetounpackallofthat

the slide Bucky does here, this isn’t combat this is voguing.

Steve fights like the world is his barroom, bucky fights like the world is his catwalk.

“DON’T YOU TALK TO MY DAUGHTER LIKE THAT,” Nicholas J Fury

what’s the found family version of a BroTP? I have that for Dad!Nick and Adopted!Soviet!Assassin!Daughter!Natasha.

found familotp? FFOTP? no, that sounds like some kind of tactical asset. “LAUNCH THE FFOTP”

anyway, get on this tumblr, i want at least 10 options on my desk by monday.

This Extra. He could honestly make a living playing Confederates and Klansmen, you know which extra I mean.

“wHere ahre the tahrgets?”

the targets... is we.

A DC Local Aside: Everyone on 495 is So Tired of this nonsense. I sincerely hope they all remembered to pee before they left work. I hope they have snacks and water in their cars. because they now live on 495.

this shitshow is gonna fuck up our already extremely fucked up traffic patterns for yeeeeaaaaarrrrrssssss

Sam’s a born quipper, so i really like it when he sees the helicarrier coming down and just fucking bolts. NO TIME FOR SASS WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE

“Got a location on Rogers?”

Don’t know where he is, but he’s doing something stupid, i Guarantee It.

“you know me.”

“nNOo I dOn’T!”

Oh Steve. You put that shield down So Often. And you keep having to fucking pick it up a-fucking-gain.

And This Was The Moment When We All Realized That We Were In Trouble.

Big Mood, Bucky. Big Mood.

Sam wasn’t on the approved visitor’s list or anything, he just winked at one (1) nurse and they let him in.

i know just what to say it’ll annoy him so fucking much. “on your left.”

“Why haven’t we heard from Captain Rogers?”

Because he is taking a damn nap.

no but seriously, because if we put him in front of a camera right now, you will get the Talking To of the Century.

*eight hours later, congress is crying, hydra has surrendered, fox news is shutting down, steve rogers is still going strong* “AND DON’T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON STUDENT DEBT!”

~cool guys don’t look at congressional meltdowns. They drop the mic and they walk away~

IT WAS CLEVELAND, IN CASE YOU WERE WONDERING.

THEY FILMED IN CLEVELAND.

(they did film some in DC, obviously, but also cleveland.

*emoting at exhibits intensifies*

*SCREAMING INTENSIFIES*

in sum i have been typing for Too Long and I’m going to hit post so i can Go To Bed but there may need to be Corrections in the morning who tf knows

[eurusholmmes]

My Sunshine| Mark Sloan

Obviously song lyrics come from You Are My Sunshine - by Johnny Cash. 

I was rewatching the Season 6 and 8 finale over the past couple of days.. and it just occurred to me again how absolutely phenomenal Marks character development was for the time he was on the show!

Prompt: You and Mark are head over heels in love with each other. but he believes you deserve someone better and you, on the other hand, have never wanted anything more then to call him yours. But time.. you never seem to have enough of it. 

Key: bolded italics are lyrics

Italics are flashbacks

Set during 8x24-9x01

Darkness. All you could see was the darkness, hear the rabid sounds of wild animals that tore into the body of the youngest Grey, taste the blood in the air that seeped through open wounds. It was nearly two in the morning according to your watch, and you were currently standing watch while the rest of the group slept. 

All of them except Mark. 

Your y/e/c eyes fell upon Arizona Robbins and Mark Sloan, who were nestled together in the broken back of the plane. After diagnosing his cardiac tamponade and releasing the excess blood, you’d taken Mark away from Lexie’s body and set to making him as comfortable as you possibly could. 

  ‘’Mark.” You said quietly, leaning against the back of the wing as Cristina heaved his limp body and settled him awkwardly against your chest. His warm breath ghosted your skin as you tenderly wrapped your arms around his torso, careful not to aggravate his injuries any further. He shivered as you inhaled his scent - faint cologne and scotch mixed with the smell of leather. Everything that made him Mark. “I’m sorry.” 

  “She was a good girl, y/n.” He rasped, taking your hand in his own and resting it against his face. “But she was never the one for me.” 

You had spent the next hour and a half trying to understand what he meant. Callie had alluded to Mark having secret feelings for you for years, but he had never made an effort to act on them. Secret glances and late nights, whispered confessions and once in a life time opportunities in the on-call room. 

And everything pointed back to time. No matter how much you wanted to or tried, he was always trying to find his worth in the women he slept with. Altman, Torres, Julia, Lexie.. He had tried so hard to find someone to love him the way he loved, but he never had. And now.. now it had finally hit him that you were the one he wanted. 

But it was too late. 

2007

Mark watched you with Derek from the opposite side of the reception hall. You were dressed in a lavender bridesmaids dress that clung to the curves he’d always admired; not too immodest but also leaving enough to the all seeing eye. He’d always had his eyes on you. You were the most captivating woman he’d ever met.. and he couldn’t find the guts to tell you just how beautiful you were to him. 

  “Dude,” Jackson chided, lightly nudging him in the ribs as he tightened his grip on Marks video camera. “You have got to stop undressing her with your eyes. Just.. you’ve gotta tell her how you feel man.” Jackson watched through the lense as Mark swallowed the bile that threatened to rise in his throat. The only Avery child watched intently as Mark then turned himself towards the camera and flipped the power button off.

He clearly didn’t want his speech on record. 

  “You ever get that pounding feeling in your chest that makes your whole body vibrate, Avery? First time I got it was the day I started at the hospital. Derek had brought y/n with him from New York after his move.. and they started running the Neuro Wing together. The Dream Team.. we called them. I couldn’t explain why my heart pounded, or my stomach clenched, or why I lost the ability to speak every time she was near me. Then, it hits me!” Mark snapped his fingers. “It wasn’t like any relationship I’d been in before. Not for the sex.. or for the raw magnetism.. but I was genuinely interested in getting to know this beautiful, captivating woman who was more concerned about the state of my heart then my charmingly good looks.” Jackson was stunned at the earnest expression on Marks face as he continued. “When you can find yourself a woman who wants all of you exactly as you are..” 

Your eyes met Marks in that moment, your y/e/c lighting up as you beckoned him to you from the other side of the room. 

  “You don’t ever let her go.” 

You were pulled from your trance at the sound of Arizonas weak voice. “Y-Y/n-” She murmured, careful not to wake the others as you padded over to her. “He’s saying your name again.” Grimacing, you pushed your hair out of your face and took her spot nestled in the wing, resting Marks head on top of the pillow in your lap. Arizona yawned and settled her head on your shoulder before she fell back into a fitful sleep. 

  “’M sorry y/n-” Mark said quietly. You allowed your gaze to flicker down to the man in your arms as you slowly began to rake your fingers through his hair. “All this time, I treated you like you never mattered-” 

A knot formed in your throat as tears blurred your vision. “Mark-” 

  “And the thing is, you’ve always mattered the most. And I’m sorry I never made that clear.” He was having trouble speaking, so you made no move to further the conversation - due to your silent sobbing and the fact that the three words you’d been waiting to say for years were right there, but you couldn’t find it in you to say it to him. “Can you do one more thing for me?” 

You nodded fervently. “Anything.” 

  “Remember the first time you sang You Are My Sunshine to me?” He said quietly. You remembered the night well; it was one of those rare times he’d allowed himself to open up and somehow the two of you ended up entangled on the sofa in his apartment. You wiped away hot tears from his cheeks and allowed him to fall against your chest, head tucked beneath your chin as you softly broke into song. “Can you sing it again-n?” 

The other night dear

As I lay sleeping

I dreamed I held you in my arms 

  “Look me in the face,” Derek snapped, drawing you away from guiding your resident through your post-ops to meet the angry blue irises of your best friend. “Look me in the face y/n y/l/n and tell me you are not in love with Mark Sloan!” 

  “Why does it matter?!” You cried angrily, gripping his wrist and pulling him into the nearest on-call room. Derek simply leaned back against the door and prepared himself for one of your very rare angry rants about life and existence and how sometimes things weren’t fair, but that was how it goes. “Mark has slept with Addison, and Julia, and Lexie, and Callie, and Teddy… I’m not just someones prize to be won, Derek. I’m not a toy, and I’m surely not about to give my heart to a man who has-” 

  “No idea where his worth is?” Derek said quietly, to which you found yourself slack jawed. “Mark never had a father to teach him this stuff, y/n. He doesn’t know what love is because he’s never really experienced it. Do you know what I see when he’s around you?” You lightly shook your head and waited for him to continue. “I see a love struck man who would move heaven and earth and everything beyond in order to win favor with the girl he loves. I see a man who looks at you and says, ‘My God, there’s a woman who will love me despite my flaws and imperfections. There is a real woman who will love me for who I am.” 

  “W-What does Mark see when he looks at me?” 

Derek sighed deeply and tilted his head to the right, cerulean irises glowing in the sunlight that was filtering through the blinds on the windows. “Mark looks at you like you’re his ocean.. and he’s begging to drown.”

When I awoke dear

I was mistaken

So I bowed my head and I cried

Four days. 

You stayed awake for nearly four days, eyes vacant and emotionless as you continued repeating the lyrics to You Are My Sunshine. Part of you had believed at one point that it was the only thing currently keeping Mark alive - hearing your voice. You were so dehydrated and so exhausted that it was more of a mantra then a song, but he seemed completely content with it. 

Your only link to the real world was his fingers dancing along the cracked skin of your knuckles. The blues of his eyes when the sun would rise high enough to see them. He was watching you - just as he always was. You counted it an accomplishment that he could even keep his eyes open at all. 

You are my sunshine

My only sunshine

You make me happy

When skies are grey 

The remaining six of you were rescued and transported to Boise. The doctors had diagnosed that the crash had taken the remainder of the hearing you’d lost in your left ear, partially due to the shooting over a year before. You allowed your body to relax for the first time in what felt like an eternity, eyes cast towards the ceiling as the sedation took you into a deep sleep. Your first restful sleep in over a week.

When you woke up, you were inside Seattle Grace and staring into the eyes of Owen Hunt. 

  “Y/n.. before you speak, I need you to listen to me very carefully.” The redhead urged softly. “You’ve been asleep for almost forty eight hours, but you’re still severely dehydrated and still malnourished. You’re getting your fluids through your IV, but I need you not to move too quickly or you could risk passing out. Okay?” You swallowed thickly and glanced around the room. Where was Mark? “They told me you were going to ask about Mark.” 

You immediately assumed the worst as his tone fell, and Owen noticed you reaction the second a weak sob broke past your lips. 

You’ll never know dear

How much I love you 

Please don��t take my sunshine away

  “No, no! Mark is fine.. He’s coming out of his sedation now too. If you want… I can have some room cleared for your beds to be in the same area.” His grin widened as your eyes lit up, nodding quickly enough to convey your confirmation and joy over being able to be near a conscious Mark Sloan for the first time in a week. “I’ll be back in fifteen minutes.” 

You waited in anticipation for Owens arrival, soon finding yourself being wheeled down the hall to Marks room. Fingers loosely clasped together, you allowed one of the interns to redo your braid as Owen and Alex maneuvered you through the main door of Marks room. “There she is-” A familiar voice rasped. “There’s my favorite girl.” 

Your eyes snapped upward and met the striking blues of the man you loved so deeply. 

The next few days were the happiest you’d been in years. Mark didn’t fail to make you feel as if you were the most priceless human being to exist, listening to your stories about your experiences together in med school, listening to him talk about all he’d learned since the day he’d arrived in Seattle. 

But what he really wanted to tell you came the night before he slipped back into the coma. 

I’ve always loved you 

And made you happy

And nothing else could come between

  “I’m sure you’ve figured out by now,” Mark whispered. It was nearly midnight and most of the staff had gone home, albeit the on-call residents and attendings which left you and Mark to the silence in your conjoined room. “It’s been a long time coming for me to say this, but there hasn’t been a day that’s gone by where I didn’t love you more then I was capable.” 

  ‘But what about-” 

  “All the other women?” He laughed bitterly under his breath and lightly shook his head as his arms tightened around you. “I didn’t know how to begin to tell you how I felt.. because you’re the only woman who’s ever been interested in me that didn’t want me for just sex and y/n.. it’s the first time I’ve ever felt truly worthy to be in a committed relationship, and I was freaking terrified of falling in love with you because of it. You.. you are someone who deserves more then this man whore. Someone who deserves a pure and honest man- Someone who hasn’t been trampled and broken to pieces.” 

You stopped his sentence short by gripping his chin with your thumb and index finger, lips just inches away from your own as you brought yourself to your knees. “No woman can have a perfect man. I didn’t. I still don’t.” You whispered. “For years, I’ve wanted all of you. The man who walks into this hospital every morning- but with battle scars and insecurities revealed underneath that thick coat of armor you call charm. I didn’t want the Mark Sloan that everyone else sees because a part of me has always known that you crave something more then just the physical intimacy. You crave a home for your aching heart, and I’m telling you that right here, in this moment in our own corner of this hospital where people can heal.. that I want to be your home.”  

Mark cut your speech short by capturing your lips in his own.

  “I love you.” 

  “I love you too.”

But now you’ve left me

To love another

You have shattered all of my dreams

Time was never on your side. 

A week passed, followed by a few more, and finally it had been a month. Thirty days. Thirty freaking days since he had slipped into sleep and never woke up. Derek had found you that morning his directive was to be put in place crying into the mattress, a broken side table in shambles beside the door and your knuckles throbbing from where you’d continuously pounded your hands into the wall. 

It shouldn’t have ever been him. 

You are my sunshine

My only sunshine 

You make me happy when skies are grey

You couldn’t bring yourself to leave his bed. Not when Derek decided to go for his first solo surgery since the crash, not when Meredith had booked it for the airport and left you alone, not when the other fellows and attendings had gathered outside of Marks room. 

It had been an hour since he’d been extubated. Now you were just waiting for the dreaded monotone flatline that would tell you that his heart had stopped beating. That his heart was no longer keeping him alive. 

  “Mark-” You blubbered, wiping your eyes with the back of your hand as you cradled his limp hand against your cheek. “I know I didn’t say it sooner, and I’m so sorry for not telling you how much you meant to me. I.. I have loved you and will never stop loving you. Meeting you.. this incredible, compassion driven, man with a golden heart was the greatest gift a girl like myself could receive. I’m sorry I allowed fear to rule how I felt for you.. and I’m sorry we never got to have our forever.” 

You’ll never know dear

How much I love you

The only sound in that wing of the hospital was the heart broken screams of Mark Sloans name as you collapsed in Derek Shepherds arms, eyes cast on the steady line now running across the monitor. Here you were.. in this world living the life he would’ve thrived in; and the love of your life was waiting for you patiently on the other side. 

Please don’t take my sunshine away

  “I can’t br-eathe-e,” You rasped, chest constricting as you fumbled for a hold on Dereks lab coat. Your other partner in crime pulled you into a warm embrace against his chest, his own tears barely held at a bay as he gently swayed from side to side. 

  “Remember that even if you’re not with the ocean, your ocean still lives on right here.” Derek whispered as he flashed a weak smile, his large hand poised directly over your heart. “Take pleasure in drowning in the forever you had together.” 

So that night, you sat quietly on your bed and ventured through your favorite book of all; a photo album.

A Story of a Love That Almost Was & A Relationship That Always Will Be

Reaching into the pocket of your coat, you pulled out the most recent picture and note and gently slid it into the plastic sheet on the very last page. The two of you had taken it on the plane just as you’d boarded under Marks insistence that your upcoming surgery be photographed as it was one to remember.

The note was nearly twelve pages long and contained the words of a story; one Mark had taken careful time to formulate when you were being taken for tests on your ears and other injuries from the crash. He wanted you to live on without him knowing that deep down you’d always be his.. and he’d always be yours, but that it was alright to move on from him.

That it was alright to live.

And with a watery smile, you took a black Sharpie and wrote the words The End in large print at the bottom of the page.  

[henriwithaninterrobang]

Fangirl

<29th July>

TV is back! For ages I’ve been spending all my time on YouTube since there were no good shows on cable, but I just discovered this awesome new one called Starz of Death! The plot is totally amazing, and the characters are sooo relatable, it’s like I literally stepped into the tv and started a show. Except if I was the main character, I wouldn’t have Lexi’s pretty golden hair. Also I’m not a vampire slayer. All of my friends are gonna be talking about SoD when we get back to school! I can’t wait to see the looks on their faces when I tell them my theory about Morgan’s true motives. She’s totally evil, the way she always analyses everyone and pretends to be emotional, and it really reminds me of this girl Stacey, who’s always telling me I spend too much time online. She doesn’t have any idea how much better it is. Real life has no do overs.

<1st August>

It’s like 2:30 in the morning, and I’ve been watching Starz of Death nonstop since my last log, like 7 hours or something. The sky might have changed colour, but I think it was just the special effects in the show, haha. It’s so captivating, I just can’t take my eyes off the screen. Lexi’s boyfriend, Sam, is actually a werewolf, and he was cheating on Lexi with her fourth best friend, Alex, so Lexi felt really betrayed. It was totally heartbreaking how Lexi was moping around for days, and Morgan almost killed Lex without Sam protecting her. I knew Morgan was messed up! I have to show this to Jack tomorrow! I just know she’ll be obsessed with it.

<3rd August>

I am SO PISSED right now. I lost track of time, and so I showed my sister Starz of Death two days after my last log instead of one, but it doesn’t matter, because she hated it! I showed her season one’s best episode, the season finale, where Lexi discovers that Sam and Alex have created a secret league of Monsters with Unisex Names, just to fight her, and Morgan’s in it too, of course. Lex gets her friends Hannah and Chrissy to help her fight them, and after the battle, Lex breaks down, because she didn’t want to kill Alex and Sam but she had no choice. I sobbed so hard at that part, and I was seeing red (that’s what they say rite?) when Morgan got away. But Jack, she just rolled her eyes, and told me that the female characters were weak and the plot was filled with holes. She thinks Morgan is the best character. MORGAN!!!! Clearly being the “smart one” hasn’t done much for her taste in REALLY GOOD SHOWS. Sometimes I really hate Jacqueline's attitude. I’m not talking to her anymore. Lex is more interesting and fun anyway, so I’m going back to my Starz of Death marathon.

<5th August>

It feels like I’ve forgotten what I’ve watched in the show, like it’s all blurred together in my mind or something? I don’t know. Maybe I should rewatch a few episodes, but I wanna find out what happens at the end. Only a few more days before I finish, heh.

<8th August>

I decided to rewatch a few of my favorite episodes, and they seem so much better the second time around! Every new time I see them again, all ma peeps seem more and more real. My mom keeps coming in and yelling at me, “Gemma, come in here and do this and that and this that this!” I’m barely even hearing her anymore.

♠

Right now, I think my mom has changed what she’s been saying to me, since I’ve been ignoring her for a few days since the last time I wrote up an e-journal. I think she keeps saying “Gemma, move further away from the tv” in her tired worn-out voice.

Oh. My. God. I’ve reached the last episode! I’m pressing play, holding my breath as the catchy theme song begins for the last time.

The minutes are flying by. Lexi must face off against her ultimate archenemy, Blood X. I’m scooting closer and closer to the screen. I really think Morgan has been conspiring with X. It’s nearly certain in my mind, because she’s messed up so much stuff for Lexi already.

 “You have evaded me for a long time, X,” Lexi yells across this deserted arena, “but now it’s over. Reveal yourself!”

X is laughing, a deep, cruel laugh that chills my bones a little bit. I lean forward as X tosses back the black hood…

 Click.

 That’s it.

 My mind goes out of my body, and I see myself press play. And again. Againagainagainagain I’m pressing it, and then I shake the remote, press play again, hit it against the floor, hard, until the top corner snaps, exposing wires, and the back goes flying across the room and out of my sight. I’m reaching forward and I desperately slam my hands on the screen

 And suddenly I’m back in my body as I tumble forward, fall downward through a blur of sound and colour and radiation. I land hard in an open meadow where the grass is all the wrong colors and the sky is a brilliant pixellated haze and I know I shouldn’t be here but I’m not think straight. My mind is as hazy as the sky.

I moan and groan as I lay there on the ground, until I hear footsteps. I abruptly stop and I’m laying perfectly still. Maybe they didn’t hear me?

A voice is echoing from above me. “Are you okay?” it asks, and I swing around and sit up

And scramble backwards, jump to my feet. Morgan is standing over me, a mix of confusion and terror on her face. “You shouldn’t be here!” she says, and I glare at her.

“What do you want? You’re evil! Look at what you’ve done to Lexi!”

Morgan’s eyes are darting back and forth and her lip quivers. “I tried to stop them,” she mutters, “but I couldn’t, and now they have you, and they have so many―”

“What?!” I cut her off. None of this makes any sense, and who the heck is she talking about?

As she looks over my shoulder, Morgan’s eyes widen, and she falls to her knees in defeat. “It’s too late,” she whispers bitterly. “They’re here.”

I whirl around and watch in bafflement as Lexi walks leisurely toward us, Blood X at her side. She smiles, her eyes glinting coldly. “How nice of you to join our collection,” she says, and her voice doesn’t sound soft and melodic like it’s supposed to, no it’s rough and angry and ravenous.

“Who are you? Where’s the real Lexi?” I whisper. Lexi laughs, and so does Blood X next to her, and it’s worse in real life, a rattling, black sound of life long gone. Slowly, agonizingly, X lowers the hood, and I’m seeing her face for the first time. “You’ll work well for us,” she says, and my eyes are locked on her face and it’s just like Lexi’s, and I don’t understand her but I know I won’t ever have the time to because her face is morphing into a new one now. It’s my face.

[anhedoniacity]

alright Squiddy

@thespiritsquid Here’s another one, I hope you like it <3

Fangirl

written by EL

<29th July>

TV is back! For ages I've been spending all my time on YouTube since there were no good shows on cable, but I just discovered this awesome new one called Starz of Death! The plot is totally amazing, and the characters are sooo relatable, it's like I literally stepped into the tv and started a show. Except if I was the main character, I wouldn't have Lexi's pretty golden hair. Also I'm not a vampire slayer. All of my friends are gonna be talking about SoD when we get back to school! I can't wait to see the looks on their faces when I tell them my theory about Morgan's true motives. She's totally evil, the way she always analyses everyone and pretends to be emotional, and it really reminds me of this girl Stacey, who's always telling me I spend too much time online. She doesn't have any idea how much better it is. Real life has no do overs.

<1st August> It's like 2:30 in the morning, and I've been watching Starz of Death nonstop since my last log, like 7 hours or something. The sky might have changed colour, but I think it was just the special effects in the show, haha. It's so captivating, I just can't take my eyes off the screen. Lexi's boyfriend, Sam, is actually a werewolf, and he was cheating on Lexi with her fourth best friend, Alex, so Lexi felt really betrayed. It was totally heartbreaking how Lexi was moping around for days, and Morgan almost killed Lex without Sam protecting her. I knew Morgan was messed up! I have to show this to Jack tomorrow! I just know she'll be obsessed with it. <3rd August> I am SO PISSED right now. I lost track of time, and so I showed my sister Starz of Death two days after my last log instead of one, but it doesn't matter, because she hated it! I showed her season one's best episode, the season finale, where Lexi discovers that Sam and Alex have created a secret league of Monsters with Unisex Names, just to fight her, and Morgan's in it too, of course. Lex gets her friends Hannah and Chrissy to help her fight them, and after the battle, Lex breaks down, because she didn't want to kill Alex and Sam but she had no choice. I sobbed so hard at that part, and I was seeing red (that's what they say rite?) when Morgan got away. But Jack, she just rolled her eyes, and told me that the female characters were weak and the plot was filled with holes. She thinks Morgan is the best character. MORGAN!!!! Clearly being the "smart one" hasn't done much for her taste in REALLY GOOD SHOWS. Sometimes I really hate Jaqueline's attitude. I'm not talking to her anymore. Lex is more interesting and fun anyway, so I'm going back to my Starz of Death marathon. <5th August> It feels like I've forgotten what I've watched in the show, like it's all blurred together in my mind or something? I don't know. Maybe I should rewatch a few episodes, but I wanna find out what happens at the end. Only a few more days before I finish, heh. <8th August> I decided to rewatch a few of my favorite episodes, and they seem so much better the second time around! Every new time I see them again, all ma peeps seem more and more real. My mom keeps coming in and yelling at me, "Gemma, come in here and do this and that and this that this!" I'm barely even hearing her anymore. * Right now, I think my mom has changed what she's been saying to me, since I've been ignoring her for a few days since the last time I wrote up an e-journal. I think she keeps saying "Gemma, move further away from the tv" in her tired worn-out voice. Oh. My. God. I've reached the last episode! I’m pressing play, holding my breath as the catchy theme song begins for the last time. The minutes are flying by. Lexi must face off against her ultimate archenemy, Blood X. I'm scooting closer and closer to the screen. I really think Morgan has been conspiring with X. It's nearly certain in my mind, because she's messed up so much stuff for Lexi already. "You have evaded me for a long time, X," Lexi yells across this deserted arena, "but now it's over. Reveal yourself!" X is laughing, a deep, cruel laugh that chills my bones a little bit. I lean forward as X tosses back the black hood... Click. That's it. My mind goes out of my body, and I see myself press play. And again. Againagainagainagain I’m pressing it, and then I shake the remote, press play again, hit it against the floor, hard, until the top corner snaps, exposing wires, and the back goes flying across the room and out of my sight. I'm reaching forward and I desperately slam my hands on the screen And suddenly I'm back in my body as I tumble forward, fall downward through a blur of sound and colour and radiation. I land hard in an open meadow where the grass is all the wrong colors and the sky is a brilliant pixellated haze and I know I shouldn’t be here but I’m not think straight. My mind is as hazy as the sky.

I moan and groan as I lay there on the ground, until I hear footsteps. I abruptly stop and I’m laying perfectly still. Maybe they didn't hear me?

A voice is echoing from above me. "Are you okay?" it asks, and I swing around and sit up And scramble backwards, jump to my feet. Morgan is standing over me, a mix of confusion and terror on her face. "You shouldn't be here!" she says, and I glare at her. "What do you want? You're evil! Look at what you've done to Lexi!" Morgan's eyes are darting back and forth and her lip quivers. "I tried to stop them," she mutters, "but I couldn't, and now they have you, and they have so many―" "What?!" I cut her off. None of this makes any sense, and who the heck is she talking about? As she looks over my shoulder, Morgan's eyes widen, and she falls to her knees in defeat. "It's too late," she whispers bitterly. "They're here." I whirl around and watch in bafflement as Lexi walks leisurely toward us, Blood X at her side. She smiles, her eyes glinting coldly. "How nice of you to join our collection," she says, and her voice doesn't sound soft and melodic like it's supposed to, no it's rough and angry and ravenous. "Who are you? Where's the real Lexi?" I whisper. Lexi laughs, and so does Blood X next to her, and it's worse in real life, a rattling, black sound of life long gone. Slowly, agonizingly, X lowers the hood, and I’m seeing her face for the first time. "You'll work well for us," she says, and my eyes are locked on her face and it's just like Lexi's, and I don't understand her but I know I won't ever have the time to because her face is morphing into a new one now. It's my face.

[wonderbaek04]

EXO’rDIUM DOT experience!! Day 2 concert day, the final one.

As you guys can see from the title... I am starting to feel emotional T-T Yes, the very last concert of EXO’rDIUM in Seoul, it is pretty sad to watch it end, but I am thankful to have ended this concert with EXO personally! 

Day 2 started very early in the morning, we gather at 615am in the lobby and the staff brought us to COEX for EXO’rDIUM surround viewing concert! Basically it is a theater that has large screens which surrounds the front part of the sides as well! Explains why it is called surround viewing!! 

I sat relatively infront! I am guessing the row starts off with row A, I picked the ticket which settled me down at Row H and seat 22! Aisle seat again!! Basically it was a recorded version of EXO’rDIUM in Seoul start, they had Baekhyun stripping (OMG!), I was pretty tired as the screening started at 7amkst... Can you imagine me watching this with my eyes half opened?? HAHAHA, my eyes only light up when I saw Baekhyun’s ABS LOLOL. (I actually almost fell asleep while watching it... It wasn’t boring, I was just too tired from the previous day concert)

The screening started at 7amkst and lasted for 1hr 20minutes, so the entire show ended at about 930amkst. We were let off from there to go tour around Artium ourselves and of course, SHOPPING! 

As we stepped out off the theater, we were instructed to drop our letter for exo in this big box. I was rather disappointed that we couldn’t leave it at backstage for them or something??? I heard from the previous time fans left it at backstage, but I am assuming because Jamsil stadium is a bit inconvenient so they told us to drop in a box instead. 

My letters to Baekhyun and Chanyeol!! Baekhyun’s letter was really long and sincere, something that was really close to my heart. I told him my life wish list! 

For Baekhyun to be healthy and happy. 

For Baekhyun’s love ones to be healthy and happy too! including Myeongrong-ie!

To go to Baekhyun Oppa fansign! (when is this ever going to happen lol)

To do well in University and meet exo proudly again (I think!!) 

I also told Baekhyun that I am thankful for him, and that he was the one who gave me lots of strength and motivation when bad things happen to me. I was able to pull through so many difficulties thanks to him, and of course quoted “Life is only a path full of efforts” and signed off with my name and where I was from!

As for Letter to Chanyeollie, I decided to be funny and wrote, 

“Chanyeol Oppa, Toben-ie is so cute!” and signed off with my name and where I was from as well too~ 

After that, I headed off to Artium to do some shopping, as you know, Baekhyun stuff always get sold out (ugh this is annoying ya know sobs), so I decided to get a Lay keychain!!! I know it’s quite surprising, but I cannot help but appreciate Lay more these days. I really love the way he expresses himself, I was yearning for his appearance at EXO’rDIUM DOT even more... 

This Keychain is 23,000won, approx $28.50sgd (ignore the receipt behind lol, 22,000won is something else which I will mention in a while) It’s so pretty and its actually the same colour as Baekhyun’s keychain!! Sadly I couldn’t get Baek or Chan’s keychain... 

After that, I headed off the SUM market to get some sweets! Well as mentioned, I am a chanbaek trash... so you can expect the photo below~

Each container of sweet costs 11,000won each (approx. $13.60sgd SO EX BUT I STILL GOT IT), so the picture above with the receipt 22,000won is actually for this HAHAHA!! 

And if anyone is curious about the price of the band, it is actually 13,000won each (approx. $16sgd) It fits perfectly for the bottle produced, but not any other bottles, so if you bought it like me without the bottle, you can just simply clip it onto your bag as display~~ or around your wrist like me during concert!! 

After purchasing all the items, I mingled around and waited for time to pass. The staff instructed us to meet outside COEX ARTIUM to bring us for lunch event that was included in the package as well! 

We were served with Bibimbap!!! yum yum in the tum! There was even EXO Mat at the bottom! If you look closely, do you see the soup at the left? The soup was so hot it condensed at the bottom and on Chanyeol’s face OTL.. I was so sad, but I requested for a brand new mat before I left the restaurant so I could get to keep it. It was just normal paper quality~ 

ahhhh~ our Hyunnie~~ *-*

After lunch, I told our guide that we will leave on our own as we didn’t want to wait till 3pmkst to head to the concert venue. So I just left and took the train to Sports complex station where Jamsil stadium is located (FYI it is not located at Jamsil station guys) 

Upon reaching Jamsil stadium, I headed off to where Cookie-nim gave out her fansupport in hoping to receive it!!! Great news is! I got it!!! Super cute transparent fan by cookie-nim! I really love her fanart!! Super love! (if you know me well enough, you should know I really like her fanart that I even bought her photocards when she sold it)

Ribbon Baek!!! One of my favourite style of B! I am so thankful that stylist-nim gave him this image! If you want Ribbon B photos, please check here!

Chanbaek fan that I ran for from the other side of the Stadium just to get it... Thankfully I got it :’)!!

My second favourtie fanartist!!! 5g__5g-nim! 

So now lets talk about the postcard set that I got from the Merchandise booth!! Actually... just look at them, I don’t even need to say anything. It is just pure beauty!!! If you want scanned version please let me know, I can scan it~

After collecting all the fansupport, I decided to enter the concert venue and get settled down! 

Day 2′s fansupport!! 

Last recognition photo for EXO’rDIUM DOT T-T

I was much closer to the stage!!! I was able to see all of them clearly!!!

ah.. too bright whoops... I don’t have much photos tbh, please check out fansite HD photos instead of mine HAHAHA But can you see the hanged up posters shining? It was so beautiful~

Day 2 concert started as usual with Monster! Fanchants for every song was so loud and clear, I am indeed honoured to be part of this! 

(I don’t have any photos of the performance so don’t expect more haha) 

The last concert went really well without any injuries, I sincerely watched every performance with care and make sure I remember them clearly. I had my reasons of not recording, although some might think that it is a pity that I did not record since I was already there. But, honestly, I wanted to watch their performance with my eyes, not watching them through my camera... It might be a pity I did not record to rewatch it again, but fully experiencing it with my own eyes it way better than staring at my phone throughout the entire concert right? 

Towards the end, EXO came out with surprise again, this time asking us for a date!

Let’s go on a summer date!

Sweetest angels that brought me to tears... 

Through the last EXO’rDIUM concert, I experienced so much emotional breakdowns, I watch how Baekhyun stripped, become a hot guy, picking up bad boy concept and then suddenly turning into the sweetest angel that looks at fans sincerely~ 

The concert ended with the boys walking towards the backstage, I left Jamsil stadium with watery eyes and a heavy heart, not knowing when I will be able to see them again as I am an I-fan. But it came across my mind that I am actually very blessed to be able to even meet exo in real life, and that I will cherish this wonderful memory created with exo in Seoul. Experiencing EXO’rDIUM DOT concert in Seoul at Jamsil stadium is really one life goal that I was lucky enough to experience. It was definitely a once in a life time experience, I am thankful and thankful again, no matter what... I wouldn’t change my love for them, let’s run this journey together EXO... 

As EXO’rDIUM comes to an end, if you guys really want me to talk about how it felt. Honestly, there are no words to describe how I felt... It was a really breath-taking concert, seeing how exo members are able to play freely with fans as there was absolutely no language barrier and korean fans here really give their best to exo. Astonishing fanchants and cheers just for the one and only exo... No wonder the boys always enjoy Seoul concert so much! 

I watched the boys let loose of themselves and always thanking fans for giving them so much love and support, and that without fans, they won’t be able to hold a concert at Jamsil. 

Baekhyun mentioned: “EXO is like a book that Lee Soo Man created, EXO-L is the key pen that writes history with exo, without a pen, a book would never write it’s history, and because of EXO-L, EXO can proudly perform in Jamsil stadium” 

Baekhyun really brings out the best words for EXO-Ls, other members has also poured out their sincere thoughts for exo-Ls. When I saw Chanyeol from afar wiping his tears, I broke a little, to know how tiring it was for all of them, and that they have endured so much just to give us the best stage. What broke me further was when the screen filmed Baekhyun looking at fans sincerely through the confetti... I was quietly holding back my tears. I normally only look at previews and be like,”awww Baekhyun so sweet”, but when I personally experienced looking at him like that, it was really emotional, looking at him quietly looking at fans made me want to protect and hug him tightly. 

EXO really gave it their all for the last concert of EXO’rDIUM, longer chats, super power showcase with lightsticks, support cards for EXO-Ls, not forgetting how Suho conveyed to us that Yixing missed us a lot. 

I hope every I-fan actually experience an EXO concert in Seoul yourself, you will then fully understand how it truly feels and why Kfans are so so so so loyal and dedicated to EXO. I felt like I wasn’t a good enough fan, and that I didn’t love EXO enough with all my heart. After experiencing the concert, I finally knew why, it is an indescribable feeling. You just have to experience it yourself to understand.  

To every fan reading this, it is ok if EXO never really looked into your eyes and know your existence, they know we are there for them in their hearts. They have worked half of their youth to achieve their dreams, fulfill our desires and wishes, I believe they love every single one of us even though they cannot reach out to all of us. Please continue to support EXO in their future comebacks and schedules, let’s continue to love them even more! 

Thank you all for waiting for this patiently! Thank you for constantly cheering on me as well, I am happy to share this emotion and experience here. To end off, thank you again. 

exo planet 3

exordium dot . 

thank you exo

[kusunogatari-a]

[ Reunion ] [ @despairinghxpe ] [ Uchiha Itachi, Suigin Ryū ] [ Death mention, blood mention ] [ Verse: Ryū no Ryokan ] [ From here ]

“Yurusei, Sasuke...kore de saigo da...”

For a long moment, he feels...nothing. Odd enough, all things considered, and yet...beneath the first thoughts of confusion...elation overwhelms him.

...there's no pain in his joints. No burning in his chest. Staring up into fathomless white...he takes a deep breath for the first time in uncounted years...and feels no urge to cough.

He feels...nothing.

A hand rises, laying atop the fabric of his shirt. He can feel the textiles beneath his fingertips. But...everything else – the aches, the pains, the burns and the blood – it's gone.

Part of him wants to simply...collapse in relief. Physically, no – he's already prone against some unknown surface...though he can't tell up from down in an endless void of white. He wants to let go of the facade – drown in tears from his own eyes. But for some reason, nothing comes.

“...chi...”

Itachi stills. ...no...

“...Itachi...?”

He stares, unblinking, into the void. For a moment his chest is frozen...and then a clenching pain. Not like that which he felt mere moments before his death. No...this pain is not physical.

That voice...

The urge to rise is halted. He doesn't want to look. Doesn't want to be reminded. And yet...he knows he can't linger here forever. Not with proof he's not alone, trapped in the singular purgatory he expected.

But the guilt quickly replaces his relief.

Slowly, without pain, he sits up, lingering for a moment before pulling himself to his feet. For a time, he stares at his palms, seeing them marless. His clothes are whole, neither torn nor bloodstained. And he can see the lines of his hands without a hint of blur.

And still he delays, not wanting to turn around. Yet, at the same time...unable to resist.

Unable to get his last memory of her from his mind.

He turns.

There's no blood. No wounds. No evidence of his misdeeds carved into her brow. Just an expression full of so many emotions, he wonders – as he always does – how she can feel so much. Silvers widen with shock, disbelief, and rapture...before softening into relief and tears.

“...Ryū...?”

As though beckoned, she runs to close the gap between them, lurching against him and nearly knocking them both to the floor. Fingertips claw into his back, brow hidden in the crook of his neck as hot tears soak into his shoulder. Without restraint, she sobs against his collarbone, and a glance shows a tearful smile along his skin.

Itachi stares in a strange blend of confusion, affection...and horror.

“Ryū...Ryū, stop.”

“I've been w-waiting for you, I...!”

Prying her from his person, Itachi stares at her in disbelief. “But...”

“I knew I'd meet you here eventually, but...I had no way to know when. I...!”

Grip tightening along her arms, Itachi's gaze hardens. “...you shouldn't have waited.”

“...but -?”

“You shouldn't...be here...!”

She stares with those damnable doe eyes, looking for a moment in shock. But understanding soon softens her face. “...Itachi...”

“The only reason you are is...is because of me...!” His hold begins to shake. “...you have so much more to do. To...live for...! And my selfishness took all of that away...!”

Ignoring his grip, Ryū lifts her own hands, easing along his jaw before cradling his cheeks. Thumbs peel away tears of frustration and guilt. “...I knew what I was getting myself into. I knew the risks.”

“But -!”

She silences him with a look. “...you knew so little of who I was before we met. We both knew pasts were a sensitive subject. I had a kind of happiness. I was enthralled to do my work.” A pause. “...but...there were avenues of life I'd never had the chance to take. I think you knew it well enough – you just didn't know the reasons why. But once the days would end? Once the work was done...? I was alone. As I'd always been.”

Her head tilts, softly smiling as she looks over his face. “...we were so odd a pair, in some ways...and yet in others we made perfect sense. You...were the first person I let beyond my borders. And as...foolish as that seemed, in hindsight – knowing so little about you, or your past, beyond the horror stories – it brought me something I'd never had. I knew how temporary it was fated to be. The danger it threatened to bring. But...”

Smile shaking, she gives a tearful laugh. “...I would not trade one moment of that happiness you brought me for a lifetime. I know you feel guilty...and I know why. I'm not stupid. But it's just as much my fault, if not more. You forget...this was all a two-way street.”

With a gentle urge, she brushes their brows with a closing of their lids. “...I made my choices. We both did. But I don't harbor any hatred for you, or what happened. I took a gamble...and I lost. At least...in part. Yes, my life was cut short, and yet...” She allows a humored twist of her lips. “...I have to wonder what the rest would have been worth without you in it...”

Itachi scoffs. “It's still a waste...!”

“And it's nothing that can be undone. Were I still living, I would be grieving you just as ardently. True, my existence did not – does not – hinge upon you. But...you became far too large a piece to ever have been lived happily without.”

She spares a hand to lay to his chest. “...there's no changing this reality now. No use in harboring guilt. Let it go, Itachi. It's over...all of it.”

He gives her no reply.

“Every burden you carried has been shed from your shoulders. Even mine. Your fight is done. Rest.”

Slowly, finally, he lifts his arms around her shoulders, bringing her to his chest. For a long moment, there's no movement – just silence that betrays their acceptance.

After a time, she urges enough space to look to him with a smile. “...come on. We have to find the others.”

“Others...?”

“They've been waiting for you, too. Just...more patiently than I.”

Itachi stiffens.

“...they told me about you. When you were younger. About what happened.” Ryū softens. “...I know you couldn't tell me...but at least now I know.” A gentle smile. “...I always thought there was more to you than met the eye. I just...never could have imagined how much.”

“It's nothing I'm proud of. I did as I had to. Nothing more.”

“...as I said, we made our choices.” Slipping from his grip, she trails a hand along his arm before taking his own. “...shall we go?”

Pain overshadows his face. “...I don't know if I can face them.”

“They've forgiven you, you know. They want to see their son again. Would you deny them that, after so long...?”

Silence as he hesitates.

She is patient. “...I'll be with you.”

“...very well.”

Taking up his other hand, Ryū gives Itachi a warm smile. “...besides...don't you think you should introduce me...? Properly...this time...?”

A pause, and then a tilt of his lips.

“...I suppose you're right.”

THIS ISN’T THE DRABBLE I WAS TALKING ABOUT EARLIER THAT ONE’S GONNA BE WAY LONGER. Also it’s for Mads. But this one was shorter so I thought I’d tackle it first =‘D

SO. Uh...I kinda sorta upset Ryū yesterday rewatching a certain sibling fight. And in the midst of her angsting over my shoulder. she insisted on this particular scenario, continued from that ask I sent you =‘D Of course she didn’t do so until AFTER I’d gone to bed, so...I had to write it today.

It’s sappy as all heck bUT I am such a sucker for this kind of overblown fluffy stuff, okay. Allow me my vices xD I just thought writing it out is the least I owe her for upsetting her so badly yesterday...and also because this is super sad and yet also kinda super sweet. It’s sort of a bad end, but...at least they’re together?

And yay for after-death meeting the parents, pfffft.

ANYWAY. I have to run for a bit, but sometime today I’ma try to tackle that long Mads drabble. It’s super AU and yet? I have high hopes for it, if I can pull it off without making it weird =‘D WE’LL SEE

Until then, enjoy this little angst-fest =‘D #sorrynotsorry