#THIS TH-THIS WAS SUPPOSED TO BE A SIMPLE POSE PRACTICE

[quiet-art-kid]

Mirror image

[skiyoosmi]

if fate permits

chapter twenty

a taste of his own medicine

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“Hey… uhm… I’m sorry. I’m not sure where to start because I’ve been the worst friend to ya for the past weeks. But I want to start with an apology, I guess… yer probably tired of hearing it, right? … it’s something I’ll never gonna be proud of, my pettiness, I mean… but yeah… I’m sorry, YN. I hope ya believe me when I say yer impo–”

Beep! You sighed, ending yet another voicemail from Atsumu. It’s been almost a week since you and your brother moved out of the apartment and ever since the day after that, your soulmate has yet to cease dropping more than three voicemails every single day.

It wasn’t that you haven’t caught sight of him at school; in fact, you see him everywhere. It’s just so happens that you couldn’t help but avoid him like a plaque. You think he knows it though and you’re actually glad that he’s trying to respect your space (except for the endless ringing of your phone which only gets sent straight to voicemail every time, much like today). Which is why right now, you only stared at his contact, contemplating whether you will entertain his ‘apology.’ He sounds like he regrets it, after all and the fact that you only have less than 10 days before your flight wasn’t helping the situation.

“You know, if you keep having a soft heart like that, I’m betting a hundred bucks you won’t get too far once you become a famous writer. A lot of people will take advantage of you, you know. And don’t even get me started with those haters that disguise themselves as critiques,” Speaking of the devil, Kiyoomi suddenly spoke up, his figure leaning against the doorway of your room, much like the pose your father had when you were leaving your previous apartment.

Hundred bucks, you begin to think, where the hell would your jobless ass get a hundred bucks? You won’t tell him that verbally, of course; you value your life too much to even risk being strangled by your brother’s own hands.

“What do you mean soft heart? Where’d you even get the idea that I’m going to talk to him, doofus!? No way, he needs to learn his lesson,” You huffed, turning to him with an eyebrow raised, as if challenging him. He scoffed, entering your room, and sitting on your bed. You were kind of surprised he did given that your room was still messy as hell; but once again, you opted to keeping your mouth shut.

“It’s written all over your face, dear sister. Plus, you’ve said that a million times already I’m actually tired of hearing it now. After all these years, you think I don’t memorize every habit you have?” He replied, hands taking some of the clothes that were still stored in a brown carton and beginning to fold them neatly before standing up and putting it into your closet. He really does take after your father, from appearances to characteristics, “Your eyes, they speak to me the loudest, telling me every bit of your feelings. In fact, I’m kind of puzzled Atsumu never found out through them. But then again, it just supports the truth that he’s as dumb as he could get.”

This boy doesn’t really miss a chance to voice out his disfavor for your soulmate, huh? You wonder what is it that made him dislike… no, wait dislike was an underestimation… rather, loath Atsumu to the core. Bad first impression? No, your brother was not that petty. Did they have a fight you never knew about? If Atsumu and him ever fought, you were sure as hell you’d be the first one to know, seeing as your best friend practically whines and complains at you at every single thing in his life… so why?

“He hurt you and not just once. It’s not supposed to be my business but technically speaking, you are my sister before you were his soulmate and that’s all I needed to dislike him,” said Kiyoomi, continuing to fold your clothes as if what he said was practically nothing. Was he a mind-reader? You don’t know but perhaps, you could try to convince him to start up a fortune-telling business with you and earn millions.

“… You’re so creepy, ‘Yoomi,” You spoke up after a few moments of silence while he sneered, obviously not pleased with your comical reply, “Forget it! God, it’s so hard to have a serious talk with you.”

You only pursed your lips before bursting out into laughter, making him glare at you before his eyes softened. He hasn’t heard that pure laughter in a long time, after all. For some odd reason, he is proud that it was him that made you happy again like that, even for just a short while. After watching you work on something he doesn’t really know what, probably for the play, (it’s a relief you still have a smile on your face while you were on it though), he stands up, stopping by the doorway again when he heard you speak, “Thanks for being there, ‘Yoomi. Can’t imagine my life without my best brother.”

Kiyoomi knows he’s far from being the best brother in the world; he wasn’t expressive, sweet nor overprotective… but hearing those words from you means he’s at least good and somehow, he’s fine with that. He remains quiet before saying, “You know, your friend Hajime, I think he’s nice.”

He doesn’t say anything more, but he knows that his words reached you; he didn’t miss the way you blushed, after all. He takes note of making you flustered more often.

Osamu grumbles under his breath in annoyance, clenching then unclenching his hands as he watched Yui cling onto his brother’s arm like there was no tomorrow. Doesn’t this girl have any decency left in her blood? They were in the public cafeteria of the university, good heavens! And they haven’t even officially became soulmates AND a couple.

The last thing he wanted on his agenda today was to become a third wheel, much less to his brother; and the fact that it’s not even with you, the true soulmate, his favorite Sakusa (he won’t let Kiyoomi know that though), and best drinking buddy, makes it more unbearable for the gray-haired lad. He could only scowl so hard at his twin, who on the other hand, remained unmoved. At least that’s what Osamu sees but unbeknownst to him, Atsumu just wishes he could go and find you as soon as possible.

He has had enough of you averting your gaze each time you catch each other’s eyes at the theater room. According to his brother, your flight is in ten days which means he only had a few more days to make your friendship right; to make it up to you and prove that you are, indeed, an important figure in his life (cue Osamu’s mocking last night when they talked: “HAH!? You sure do have a peculiar way of showing her that she’s important. You’re making me want to laugh and choke you at the same time.”)

“Oh! Iwaizumi-kun, Tooru and… Sakusa YN?” Yui trails off, making the blonde perk up at the sound of your name, turning his body quickly only to find you already looking back at them with… disappointed eyes? As quickly as it came, it disappeared and soon, you were smiling and waving at Osamu, completely ignoring your “best” friend. Atsumu can only stare at you in disbelief; never, not even once, had you disregarded his existence like that before. Even when you had small arguments, you made sure to acknowledge him with a simple nod.

In addition to your indifference, Hajime only furrowed his eyebrows in confusion at Yui’s greeting, as if he doesn’t know Yui at all, not even as an acquaintance. Hence, the three of you only proceeded to the table Makki, Mattsun and your brother saved for you.

“Eh? Iwaizumi… ignored me?” Yui frowned, obviously not used to being disregarded by the boy who used to give her a greeting every time they come across each other. As far as she could remember, they ended their bond in good terms, without anyone having to feel angry at the other so why is it that he acted that way? Did he hold a grudge after all?

Meanwhile, Atsumu gazed into nothing, your sad eyes flashing into his mind and staying there. Have you given up on him already? Did his nightmare that day actually came true? His trail of thoughts was cut off with Osamu’s voice speaking with amusement plastered on his face, “ooh, a taste of his own medicine, huh YN?”

He smirks, finding his brother’s suffering oddly satisfying. He too, like Kiyoomi, has his limits as to Atsumu’s undesired talent of hurting you (he knows the blonde was also suffering but you know, it just really gets on his nerves how blind his twin could get). So right after saying that, he stands up, picking up his tray that holds his food and beginning to walk where your table was.

“Samu! Where are you going?” The said lad looks back at his blonde twin weirdly before shrugging, “YN and Kiyoomi’s table, where else? You can’t expect me to stay on the table with you two, it’s weird.”

“So… you really can’t remember anything about your soulmate? Like who it is or something?” Oikawa asked, staring at Hajime’s hands, as if he’d be able to see anything on his pinky. Unfortunately for him, the ex-captain was not given the ability to be a Moira so he wouldn’t be able to see any changes no matter how long or hard he looks. The spiky-haired lad merely groans, feeling a headache coming due to his dear friend’s pestering, “Yes. I told you that already. I just woke up, saw my thread black and now, I can’t remember anything about who it is.”

“But you can remember us? It’s just the soulmate stuff you forgot?”

“Well, I’m talking to you right now, am I not, you dumbass?” Hajime snarled; an inch close to punching his best friend in the face. Beside him, you look down, feeling the sadness and heartbreak for him because even those feelings were lost the moment he woke up. If you let go of Atsumu, will this also happen to you? You can only give a pathetic laugh at your silly question; of course, it will. You weren’t some kind of special Moira that will be exempted from that ‘curse.’ But you wonder, how would he react? Would he be sad? Or would he just forget about you too and just throw everything you had away? It seems so easy for him to do that, after all.

Now that you witness what’s gonna happen upon cutting the thread, a part of you somehow wishes you should’ve just told him when it was still early, when you were still young and problem-free. Maybe he would’ve given you a promise like those in the movies wherein he says he would marry you once you get older. Maybe he would’ve been able to love you if you could’ve just given him a chance to do so. But it’s your fault, isn’t it? Because you were a coward; you were so greedy for true love that you can no longer have it, you think to yourself.

In the midst of your rather negative thoughts, a warm hand pulls you away from mentally beating up yourself further. Looking up, you find Hajime looking at you with soft eyes, as if assuring your heart that: “You’ll be fine. I’m here. I’ll keep you safe.”

Maybe… just maybe, the universe has given you another chance for true love.

marga's notes. I HAVE FOUND A NEW HUSBAND AND HIS NAME'S BENIMARU SHINMON

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[handlewcaare]

When one read the comic books, being a teenage hero was a helluva lot easier than it was.

Spiderman didn’t have to watch his grades gradually plummet with each “emergency” meeting the Avengers set up for him. Nor did he have to turn in half finished homework because he forgot to do it when he ran off to handle a Behemoth of a beast. It was smooth sails for the likes of some friendly neighborhood vigilante.

Badd wished it was that simple.

He couldn’t complain it was all that rough. Kids at school knew of his devestating strength, so much so that a few would text him about a monster nearby. At times, he’d handle a monster in exchange for a free tutoring session for a class he was struggling in. It was a fair exchange, a life for a decent test grade.

Some people at school would greet him, but he was hardly popular. If anything, he was just as good as company as a cardboard cut out. Someone to briefly pause what he was doing to stoically pose for a photo-op. Though, some people just assumed he wasn’t as friendly as the stature he put on.

“Badd, right?”

His brow arched, momentarily breaking the signature snarl he naturally adorned (it wasn’t a scowl, it was just his face). The voice came from a girl who’s face was speckled with a constellation of freckles. He knew of her, that she was a new transfer student from H-City, but he never got to know who she really was.

“Ya know anyone else that looks like me?”

“Yeah,” the girl remarked, “hate to say it but a pompadour isn’t exactly a unique feat of yours.” Despite his frown, she went on to resume, “I was gonna ask if you had a spare hair tie.”

Out of all the things she could have asked him to do, she asked for a meager hair tie. She might as well have asked a practical mountain of a man to do her makeup. What an odd thing to ask, “how the hell do ya know I even have one??”

What should have been a snide remark about how he always had a spare hair tie for his little sister was accented with a shrug, “The girls in my track team say you do. I don’t mind using my shoelaces though—!”

“Ya can do that??” He implored as he surrendered the hair tie that was nestled within his pants pocket, “wouldn’t it be flying out of yer hair or somethin’ ?”

“You just have to know how to tie it,” after she briefly gave her thanks, she secured her dark hair within a high-ponytail. After a beat, she made a full presentation of the bun atop of her crown. “Ta-da! How does it look?”

“Like a pineapple.”

What insult would have made girls scoff or bark out a bigger insult at him only prompted a wrinkle from the girl’s nose as she laughed. Her grin radiant, almost contagious for a guy renowned for his intimidating glare. It didn’t take the girl long to skip back to her team—‘thanks Badd!’ She would chirp over her shoulder—and he offered a small wave of goodbye to her.

To say it had been the last time they spoke would have been a blatant lie. The girl, who’s name was revealed to be Hikari, would be variant in her greetings. Some days would just be utter small talk: ‘how are you?’ ‘Fine, you?’ ‘Could be better,’ and other days would be exclusively full of excitement. Most notably were they the days that she had just finished her track season or after practice:

“—what I’m saying is that Ayame started acting funny when she dropped the baton,” Hikari said as the two of them sat along the edge of the rooftop during lunch. Her brows furrowed as she plucked a piece of grilled salmon out of her bento box and set it over for Badd to eat.

“Ya still won though, right?”

“Yeah, but it was like something startled her? I can’t say what exactly, but she got a little frazzled after the tournament,” she hummed as she pursed her lips, “maybe ‘m overthinking it.”

“Ya gotta bad habit of that,” he quipped as he took a bite of the surrendered salmon, “she prolly jumped cus she dropped it.”

As it turned out, that wasn’t wholly the case.

The more he talked to Hikari throughout the months in school, the more exposure he got from Ayame. How she often would ask for one of her friends to come with her to the bathroom or how she would stay longer than an hour or two after practice. He wasn’t a psychologist, but Hikari’s concern became more understandable.

Once he was invited to eat lunch with Hikari and her track team, that was when he met Ayame.

As always, Hikari was rather jovial with introductions. Her excitability practically lightened the mood, even when some girls felt a little unnerved to be around a guy who could easily crush a monster’s skull with an indestructible weapon. Those girls he left very well alone for their comfort. The others were met with his gruff nature, he wasn’t sure whether Hikari told them he had a soft spot or not, but Ayame was the one who stood out the most.

The girl was kind and soft-spoken. She loved talking about her cat named Sakusa and she couldn’t help but find pictures of Tama to be an absolute delight. Though, Badd couldn’t lie, Sakusa was just as adorable.

The thing was she couldn’t afford to look him in the eye, nor could she barely manage a tone beyond a small murmur. When Badd would growl out a ‘huh??’ over a mean jest, she would flinch instinctively. Such a response evoked a small ‘sorry’ from the bat-wielding hero.

Lunch became rather awkward between them after that. Fortune came in Hikari’s emotional intelligence, otherwise Badd would have tried to make some means of dramatic compensation. He picked up a giant bouquet of roses for Zenko’s concert when he missed her piano recital once.

It wasn’t until school was no longer in session that he caught a glimpse of Ayame retreat to an older man. Her arms folded across her chest, though the heightened bark of the man made her flinch once more.

The man could have blended in well with the white collar types: nicely trimmed suit, slick back hair and an expensive pair of gloves that would have made Amai Mask green with envy. Their insignia was rather reminiscent to a bamboo lily.

He didn’t just have money, he had money to buy himself out of consequences.

By now, the grip around his signature bat became rigid in a white-knuckled grasp. His storm merely accented with a twirl of his instrument to rest atop of his broad shoulder.

“—and I told you to do the dishes!” The older man exasperatingly barked, “the hell were you doing??”

“I just...” Ayame paused as she shuffled closer to the masonry, “I h-had practice okay? It’s not a big deal—“

“It is a big deal!” His voice was now a tornado that swam tension within the air. His face was beet red and his fists practically quivered from the intensity of his own storm, “I had my fuckin’ brother over and—!”

Without a hint of hesitance, Badd rammed the hilt of his bat directly into the man’s diaphragm. The sheer velocity of his strength evoked a shriek from Ayame and a wheeze from the stranger. Had he known he shattered a rib or two, he probably would have offered a menacing simper.

“Do Yer own damn dishes next time,” when the man attempted to scramble to his full height, Badd hadn’t hesitated to step in front of Ayame. It wasn’t everyday he handled an abusive shithead, but they were marginally easier to handle than a stray papermache volcano come to life.

As the man scowled, his glare dripped over to Ayame, “this isn’t over—!” Once the threat had seeped, Badd simply let his metallic instrument slam into the concrete. A cobweb of weight bloomed under the strain.

“You bet Yer ass it is,”

This was a monster, no doubt, but he had heard from Daichi that some monsters liked to isolate their victims. Norte dam syndrome or something like that. As soon as the man retreated, Ayame began to present signs and symptoms of that.

“He wasn’t going to hurt me,” her voice was distant compared to the staggering man who retreated with a very polite warning. “He was just being an ass, okay? You didn’t have to do that.”

“I know what bein’ an ass is,” Badd scoffed, “and that wasn’t it.”

Being an ass meant Hikari poking fun of Badd crying in the middle of Zenko’s piano performance or Badd poking fun of Hikari not knowing how to do algebra, but being able to chemistry. Neither of them would have dared to clench their fist at the other, let alone make the other flinch in response.

Ayame only shook her head, “no, he just... he didn’t mean it.”

“ ‘s that what he tells ya?”

“Of course not, I—“ she sighed, her small shoulders slumped when she practically hung her head, “look, I know you’re supposed to be a hero, but he’s just a guy. You must have bigger priorities, right?”

Bigger priorities meaning bigger monsters; nothing like the abusive asshole nextdoor. Badd couldn’t help but wonder if that was really what being a hero meant to these people, that they were just as fictional as their comic book alternatives.

Whether the answer was blatant or not, it didn’t matter, “I don’t want ya gettin’ hurt, so call Hikari and stay with her, alright?”

“W-What are you gonna do??”

Badd simply unbuttoned his uniform jacket and let it draped over his shoulders.“ ‘m gonna go be a hero.”

It was a slow day at the notorious deadman detective agency. The gentle hum of the fan being the only company the detective had, among the various files of cold cases he tried to decipher in his day off. He didn’t mind the breaks, rather he milked them as often as he could, but they could be rather tedious at times.

Fortunately, his answer came in the form of his phone vibrating against the table. The caller ID consisted of a simple “Badd”. Chances were that the kid needed someone to pick up his sister or ask about homework he didn’t understand.

“Well, good afternoon to you too,” Daichi hummed leisurely.

“Ay, real quick!” If Badd hadn’t been huffing so much, he wouldn’t have assumed the intensity of the situation required a running start, “ya know anyone who’s got a flower on their gloves?”

There was a pregnant pause when Daichi tucked the phone along his shoulder. What sprawled evidence files had been tucked into their respective cabinet drawers, yet there wasn’t anything that could have resembled a nondescript flower. Aside from the insignia a murderer had carved into the wood of his victim’s furniture.

“What kind of flower was it?”

“Iunno??” Badd grunted, seemingly vaulting himself over a fence from how the chains rattled under his weight, “like a Lily or somethin’ ??”

Had his blood not been lethargic like tar, it would have ran glacial through his veins. He never quite noticed how reminiscent it was to a lilac flower, only that it was scrawled and messy. Though, it would have been a bold assumption to make Badd would keep him alive, “You’re planning on going after him, aren’t you?”

“Yep!”

He figured.

Hastily did Daichi retrieve his beige coat and slid his arms through the sleeves, “don’t do anything like kill him. I’ve been looking into cases like—!”

“Ah, I gotta go. I think I see him!”

“Badd, wait-! Wait, did you hear—?!” When the line was cut off to evoke a triad of monotonous beeps, Zombieman hissed a curse under his breath when he rushed to grab his keys and head to C-City. He didn’t even bother to shelf his evidence back when he bolted out the door.

Kids, he swore...

[gayregis]

geralt x regis summarized

so let me go over what i think is geregis one more time... i think it would be helpful if i took this chronologically and went through all of their interactions in the books & blood n’ wine

geregis is inchresting in contrast to ships like geralt/yen or gerlion because unlike those two, it’s NOT love at first sight. it begins with... acquaintanceship, with actually a bit of (hidden) apprehension on regis’s end. every member of the hansa has... motives that don’t amount to more than “we are friends, so i will fight for you and your family” but when geralt and regis meet, they aren’t even friends yet, and they have a lot of reason to dislike each other in fact... at least on regis’s end... geralt doesn’t Know yet because... either he’s dumb or regis is smart but i’m gonna go for both... anyways...

they don’t know each other and the only motive i can assign regis at this point in the story is sheer curiosity and intrigue, and of course goodwill... not only does the opportunity to adventure away from the now warring (and blood-covered! not good for sobreity!) land of brugge present itself, but to meet and interact with a witcher... and not just any witcher, geralt of rivia, and not just THAT, but also an epic quest to find his surprise child... it’s such a convoluted kind of knowledge and experience well that he couldn’t just refuse, right? also, i think he had become accustomed to village peasant life and made peace with that part of his past, with those peoples he had wronged... but he had never made peace with a witcher yet.

so the opportunity presents itself and they journey forwards... and as they come to the peasant camp (approaching the horseshoe incident) as geralt and regis relationship stands, it’s leaning towards the beginning of a strong friendship. or at least, geralt actually likes regis’s company, which is bananas to say because this witcher isn’t nice to like ANYONE around him. geralt doesn’t have suspicions about regis’s true identity either, and that allows geralt to begin fully investing himself into this practical stranger. though i’d interpret regis as being more closed off because he, of course, knows his truth. which relates in turn to an imbalance and an anxiousness...

an anxiousness that comes to a head with the rescue of geralt and dandelion. at this point, i think regis has become equally invested in geralt and the rest of the hansa, if he wasn’t already. he could have left at any moment, really, so choosing to rescue them... a bold move, one committed out of friendship and comradery. though this comradery would then be destroyed as he performed the rescue...

geralt is cold when he confronts regis, both in the prison and after, after regis tends to dandelion. what i find peculiar about these scenes is that geralt doesn’t perform any typical witcher-y condemnations, any sort of, “you’re despicable filth / a monster / you don’t deserve my mercy” etc., etc... instead, he does something kind of unusual for facing a supposed enemy and simply asks regis to leave... not in an angry manner, not in a harsh manner. of course, regis tests this, badly, because he’s a bitch who probably thought this was kinda funny, but this whole confrontation is actually emotional for geralt. he’s reserved and cold because he wants to be friends with regis still, but he knows that due to his profession, role... and due to regis’s past, which he doesn’t know at the moment, but very likely assumed he still drinks... it cannot work. or so he presumes. but because of this, geralt is agitated and upset. he’s upset himself because he’s realized that this relationship, which is just the budding of a strong friendship at the moment, cannot work.

it’s interesting to see the apprehension in the relationship turn sides from regis to geralt as regis’s identity is revealed. at the beginning, regis is the one who is closed off (although for regis it doesn’t seem like it much... but him being secretive of his identity is being closed off, because he’s not sharing his true opinions on things, etc.). then geralt becomes apprehensive and withdrawn as regis actually is more inclined to help and give advice.

then, after the fish soup, geralt actually becomes... defensive of regis, almost? at least, he retorts to dandelion and milva that they should trust regis and ask him about his background themselves... his apprehension disappears over the bonding of another simple fireside chat. at this point, i think he realized that he was not betrayed by finding out that regis was a vampire, but instead that he had befriended a vampire from the beginning ��� and that regis was no different with or without his true identity revealed. so geralt realizes this and accepts that he has befriended and enjoys the company of a vampire, and accepted that regis doesn’t pose a threat. it could also be that geralt is overwhelmed and chalks this bizarre relationship up to fate as much as it is a bizarre occurence that he is now a father on an epic quest to locate and rescue his adoptive child. the unpredictable happens.

geralt isn’t even entirely judgemental when regis tells of his past. he makes some comments to judge vampire society as a whole, but not directly regis. and these comments regis agrees with, or does not find reason to argue. he’s empathetic to the affairs of humans and he judges his own past harshly enough for all five of them. so geralt makes nothing of the opportunity to berate regis. because, oddly enough, he trusts him... they trust each other.

here’s where it gets gay, aka my OWN personal conjecture and interpretaion, aka your chance to stop reading if you’ve happened across this post and “accidentally” read half of it.

regis becomes a very valued confidant of geralt’s... he respects his actions, asks for his advice, for his help, for his thoughts. for him... and one could argue that this is in lieu of dandelion because he’s, er, absent. but even in other situations preceding entry into beauclair, such as when regis treats the prophetic girl, on barge and during the battle of the bridge when aids milva, when he offers the help of, and communicates between the flaminca and geralt. geralt continually chooses to trust regis in all of these situations, because he well and truly does. in any of this situations, he could have objected, accused regis of lying or manipulation, but no... on top of this, he talks to him, asks for his opinion, divulges anxieties. he raises his suspicions against cahir to regis, which just demonstrates that he considers regis such an integral part of the company that he would be able to decide its members.

they talk incessently, geralt begins to speak highly of regis and continues to defend him... he states that he considers regis a friend (and catches regis off-guard), he lies to the chambermaid in beauclair and says that regis is of noble birth, he demands that regis not be excluded from his conversation with the knights and his emotions were so strong towards this that he forgot that regis would be able to hear anyways if he was excluded...

regis also demonstrates a keenness for geralt, to fringilla, as he argues for what seems like the first and only time in the series. he’s calm and collected, as he usually is, but in his tongue there’s an upset and defensive nature... it’s almost, but i would say is, jealousy. he states, “no one in this company has helped the witcher more than you,” which i find to be of a sarcastic and slightly bitter nature. but it’s not just jealousy that leads regis in this argument, it’s also feelings of protection of geralt as well. he knows, can sense, however regis gets his information as we don’t know how he knows what he knows (he just knows), that geralt and fringilla’s relationship isn’t of an exactly exceedingly loving nature... it’s filled with arguments, manipulation, distrust, anger... with regis being highly empathetic i would say that he could sense this from geralt, but i digress. he disapproves of fringilla’s behavior because she is manipulative of geralt and is attempting to keep him from leaving and finding his daughter so that he may stay in toussaint with her, in this dreamy land.

what i find remarkable about this scene is that regis doesn’t discuss geralt’s quest in a particularly optimistic light. in another work of fiction perhaps, the character would defend geralt’s quest as it would be successful and heroic and beautiful... but regis doesn’t pose it as that, he just describes it what must happen, and what is fated to happen. but he also talks about how any beautiful dream, dreamed too much, can turn into a nightmare, and from this we awake with a scream.

i interpret these two themes of regis’s dissertion to be reflective of his OWN thoughts and feelings towards geralt at this moment in the books. regis has fallen a bit for geralt, but doesn’t find it possible — he likely presumes him heterosexual ((think of ALL of the sorceresses geralt has banged)) and also recognizes the whole witcher/vampire debacle. and on top of this, they’re friends. there’s a fear of ruining this special friendship they’ve cultivated. their friendship is so valuable to regis (re: “friend?”) that he wouldn’t dare do anything to disturb it. so instead, he’s decided to accept reality, the road awaiting them. the dream that he dreams of geralt responding to this affection not what is fated, so he is not allowing himself to go on with it.

but from what we’ve seen from geralt, ie. his unwaning trust in regis, protection/defense of him, respect and genuine intrigue in him — as well as tolerance of him — think of regis appearing twice after geralt told him that it would be best if they never saw one another again, regis asking his hypothetical value, giving unsolicited advice, sitting calmly as geralt tells everyone to pack up to leave toussaint and instead asking him how his day was... geralt honestly cares for him too. add their frequent walks in the palace gardens of beauclair, and a relationship isn’t too farfetched.

of course, all of this is denied towards the end of the lady of the lake, as... yes... we all know. but also, at stygga, geralt chooses again and again to trust regis. when regis says he thinks a reconnaisance flight might be in order— geralt immediately okays it, and doesn’t flinch when he disappears. geralt doesn’t rage at him when he says he left ciri because she told him to warm him instead... and he doesn’t do anything more than eye him suspiciously when he says he ‘could knock down this entire castle.’

geralt’s last words to regis are to be careful. because he cares about him. he wants him to stay in his life. but regis sacrifices himself because he didn’t join geralt to not act when the time needed him. he joined so that he could protect him, and see him and his family happy.

if we are going to stick with themes of jealousy leftover from the argument with fringilla, one could say that regis could also be jealous of yennefer as well because she was dating geralt. i would contest this because unlike fringilla, regis sees that yennefer is good for geralt, they have a relationship together that isn’t destructive and hungry like how he and fringilla were... regis could have very well let yennefer die, if he were that much in love with geralt, right? but that wouldn’t be love, that would be domination. instead, because he loved him, he chose to die. because he knew that to be with yennefer, alive and well, would finally give geralt peace. he made that sacrifice because he felt that reuniting with his family would bring him peace...

geralt doesn’t understand this, i think. he looks at a melted column and thinks “my friend is dead,” not “he died because he valued me.” he is relieved to be with his family, exhausted of fighting and surviving and protecting, thankful that ciri and yen are safe... AND he also mourns, experiences such grief and sadness over his lost compatriots... one emotional turmoil has been lifted, but another, which is just beginning, has been placed upon him.

[moonbelt]

»supernova

↳ soulmate au | somewhat best-friends to lovers au

⇢ pairing: bambam | reader

⇢ genre: fluff + soft angst

⇢ word count: 7.432

⇢ authors note: as i have realized, i am a complete and utter fool for soulmate aus lmaoo

You were pretty sure that the voice in your head was out to get you. Not only was it sarcastic, a smartass, incredibly witty, never really helped in answering any internal monologues, it was also the voice of your supposed soulmate.

Not that you actually believe that because there was no way your soulmate was someone that took pride in you falling out of a tree and breaking your nose when you were seven. You'll never forgive that treachery.

Although, you guess there were a few perks about having the voice in your head. For starters, you were never truly alone. When you needed to hash out at someone, the voice became useful. He always had a comeback, no matter how small. Whenever you needed to gloat about something, he was there too. And surprisingly he was also good at getting you to calm down when things got too much.

You realize that you're listing out many good qualities and nothing that's truly irredeemable. Back to the matter though, you didn't even know if the voice was but a simple figment of your imagination. Instead, you decided to believe in something greater.

In any case, the point of the present situation is that right now you're ridiculously pissed off. Like you're ready to get a baseball bat and whack the air until you've released all your pent-up frustrations. It'll be better, you muse, than heading back to your dorm and eating junk food till you pass out. Not that that's a bad idea but you promised yourself during New Years to practice healthier habits and truth be told, healthier life habits suck.

"I can feel your anger all the way up from here. What's up, Princess?" You've long stopped trying to get him to stop calling you that.

"Nothing," you huff, stomping your feet on the ground and planting your butt on one of the park's benches.

There's a snort and then the voice says back, sounding highly amused: "that doesn't sound like nothing."

You roll your eyes at him and wish he could see it. "And how would you know that?"

You're sure that if he was in front of you, you'll be able to see him shake his head with a tsk sound and his lips quirked up into a smirk. It's just one of those things you know even though you've never seen him.

"Because I can literally feel everything you emotionally feel, [y/n]."

Same goes for you though. You can feel almost everything that he feels or what you think he feels. But he never likes talking about himself, at least not as much as you like talking about yourself. Clearly, you're more of the talker in this relationship. Bambam is always here to listen no matter how stupid the issue seems to be. You won't ever admit it to him but he does help with rationalizing your thoughts. Especially considering how you over analyze almost anything.

You sigh into your chest, taking in the deep January air. "It's really nothing. I'm just... can you believe I bombed that test yesterday? I got a freaking C. You know how I thought I did pretty good on it? Well, I just got smacked in the fucking face. If I don't get an A in all the remaining exams then I'm doomed. How—"

"Getting a C isn't exactly bad, [y/n]," he voices out. "It's your first test, you've never taken this Professor before. It's normal that you didn't do that well on it."

"Yeah, okay. But I studied my ass off, Bam," you sniff your nose a little bit. "If I can't even get a B on the first exam then how am I going to get it later in the semester?"

Bambam sighs lowly and for a minute you wish he was there next to you. Not just in your head. Every time you talked to him like this, all it did was fuel you into thinking that maybe he wasn't your soulmate. You couldn't feel anything exponential. Not through this. All you felt were thoughts, the kind of things he liked, the fact that he broke his arm once while riding his bike. But nothing that screamed hey: this is The One!

"Princess, it's not as bad as that. Think of it this way; now that you've seen how your teacher poses questions, you'd know how to study better."

“Yeah, but now I have to work extra-extra hard to get a better grade and I’m already exhausted. Tell me Bam, why did I decide that Political Science was the major for me?”

A snicker threatens to break Bambam’s resolve but he masks it, albeit skillfully,  with a cough. “I’m exhausted too. Everything is so hard these days, but you know what wouldn't be hard?”

Your mind perks up at that. “What?”

“Getting an A on the next exam.”

"I guess...” you're really thankful for such a friend like Bam, but you're still a tidbit irritated at yourself. “I'm still mad though. I know I could have done better if I had just... I don't know what I could've done better but there must have been something." 

"Yeah. Something like sleep?"

You furrow your eyebrows and when you remember that he cant see it, you say. "Explain."

Imagining him staring down at you in a sort of deadpan stare, his voice rings out. "You barely sleep when you have an exam. It's like you're running on cans on cans of energy drinks and caffeine. Healthy habits be damned."

"Hey," you sit up abruptly on the bench, the air whipping your nose furiously. "That's a low blow."

He knows how bad you’ve been trying to keep this particular New Year resolution. Although you flunked out of going to the gym three days a week, you barely use your bike to go anywhere anymore, and the only healthy thing you’ve been doing is cutting junk food out of your daily diet — a fact that Bam knows all too well. 

"Is it?" He taunts. "You basically keep me up all night and into the morning with your ramblings because you're cramming."

"It's for the greater good of my grades."

"Sure it is."

Reluctantly, you get up from the bench and throw your cold fingers into your coats pockets. You feel way better than you had when you started the journey back to your dorm. In fact, it was instances like this that made the whole wanting-a-soulmate epidemic make sense.

Of course, anyone would want someone that could calm them down when they're thought to be inconsolable. It was the stuff written in fairytales that had no real reason to be in real life but found it's way in anyway. You'd heard and read about soulmates hearing each other's voices in their heads, a passive indicator that only left the minute you finally met them physically.

You and Bam had never discussed actually meeting each other. Maybe because it made it more real than any of you could handle. There was so much pressure. As if the minute the two of you connected eyes everything will suddenly align in the World.

Right now with him being the voice in your head, it was safe. Safe was better than uncertain. You don't know what you'll do if Bam's presence suddenly vanished from your life. It's not something you want to think about.

You don't realize that he's been trying to gain your attention until he yells, rather loudly too considering he's literally taking home in your brain.

"Hey, [y/n]? Listen to me!" He wails and you scoff at his antics, finally dragging yourself to pay him attention.

"What, the stupid voice in my head?"

He chooses to ignore your jab and instead asks you a question of his own. "Where are you right now?"

"Outside," you answer almost immediately.

"Well, look up at the stars," and after a beat, he adds. "Please."

You scrunch your nose together as you sigh exaggeratedly to yourself. You don't particularly like stars. Mainly because they embody something unattainable and you guess they are beautiful but the point still stands. They get to stay all the way up there while you look from down here and it rubs your nerves wrong. To be a star must be so lonely, you think, to just watch and watch but never interact.

You know it's nothing but petty resentment but you can't help but feel a certain way when you see them. They represent almost everything you're not: amply beautiful and indescribably phenomenal. And as pretentious as that sounds, you'd rather feel like that than feeling as if most of your efforts are amounting to nothing. Frankly, you hate this feeling.

Contrary to how you feel, you angle your head up and look up at the few yet blinding lights that stream along the night sky. Pretty. Really damn pretty and before you can stop yourself, you take out your phone and snap a landscape photo of them.

"Okay, are you looking?"

"Yep. Can I ask why you want me to do this?"

There's a pause and you think Bambam is gathering his thoughts and trying to find a way to work them out properly. You dunk your phone back into your pocket and wait for him to say something. You see, with Bambam you can never be to forward or pushy, unlike the way he handles you.

Bambam prefers to talk about what he wants when he wants without feeling pressured to, you feel the same way too, but he knows you'd rather cave into yourself than actually let anyone in. Bam lets you in, slowly but assuredly.

"I'm looking at the stars right now too. So, technically we're doing this together."

You're not sure if what he said is supposed to make your heart beat a little bit faster but it does. You suck in a deep breath and let yourself look at the stars more closely. "That sounds really romantic."

"That's kind of what I was going for," he doesn't feel anything like embarrassment.

"Well, congratulations, babe. You succeeded."

It's pretty rare that you feel any sort of silence when you're awake so now that it falls over the two of you, providing a blanket from the rest of the world, you're not sure what to say. You want to ask him if it would be truly horrible if the both of you meet face to face. You've heard his voice for a decade and then some. It shouldn't be this hard to—

"Do you think it would've been better if we had a timer?"

Your brain stutters to get back into its groove, so it takes a while before you ask. "What do you mean?"

"Like you know one of those things that tell how long until you meet your soulmate or something."

"You mean like the ones in the movies?" You say incredulously. "What's the point of knowing when you'll meet your soulmate? Doesn't guarantee you'd actually end up together forever."

He hums to himself a bit before he agrees. "True... but at least you'd know it's real and concrete. With us, it just feels like..." his voice trails off but this time he fails to complete his sentence.

Any other thing and you wouldn't have pestered him about it. But this, you have to know. "What? Say it. It feels like what."

"It feels like running into something we don't know. After all, you could be something I conjured up. If I had a timer then it'll mean that at least we're destined to meet. And that maybe you're out there actually looking at the stars like you say you are."

You bite your lower lip, understanding where he's coming from but it still stings your heart a little. Actually, no. It stings a lot. Just a few minutes ago you'd been thinking the same thing: if Bambam really existed. But you'd been naïve to think he wouldn't be doing the same.

"Do you think we should do it?" You manage to ask against the tepid beating of your heart.

"Do what?" If the voice in your head could whisper, he would be doing so right now.

For as much as you dislike stars and all they portray, you take another glance at the sky. Maybe to calm your nerves? Maybe to fuel you to take the next step? Because if you don't do it now when the heck would you ever?

Then you watch as a star peals itself neatly from the dark sky and lands softly into your hands. And that's when you feel it. The exponential thing. The thing you've been searching for. It lights your body and sets everything it touches into a mass of blundering confusion but it also gives you that push. The push to say what you truly mean and want.

During times like this, you end up saying things you ordinarily wouldn't. Without even noticing how it's happening, you open up your heart and just start talking to the person inside of you.

"Let's meet up somewhere. Like, for real this time." After a moment you add. "We should play an active role in this."

"Explain."

"We don't need a stupid timer. The universe already did her part in putting you in my head when I was seven. I think she's done enough for us." You say as you blink a few times at the cold and restart the walk back to your dorm again. "The rest is up to me and you."

A beat passes before he speaks. "What if we're not even in the same city, let alone the same state or—"

"Bam, we've literally known each other for twelve years. I know what university you go to; it's the one about an hour and a half from mine. I highly doubt that's too far for us to meet each other."

"You really want to do this?" There's uncertainty painting his voice. "We can't go back if we do meet each other and find out we're soulmates."

Go back to what? If you really are soulmates, doesn't that make it better? If it is what you think it is. Then why on earth would you want to go back to this? The reason why you’ve been apprehensive all this time was that... what if you're not soulmates? What if you've spent the last five years having a crush on someone that doesn't even exist? That's what truly has you afraid.

According to your parents who also had the honors of being able to hear their soulmates before they actually met them: Once you and the person in your head exchanged words in the confinements of real life, their voice in your head will vanish. Before you didn't really care about this minor — used to be insignificant — fact. Because you didn't believe that the boy in your head that called you 'princess,' was going to be anything but the voice in your head.

But as the years went by, you admit, you began to wish for it to be true. For him to really be out there like he says he is. Your dorm slowly comes into your view and you sigh in relief. It's so cold outside and you're ready for some warmth.

You’d tried before to arrange the two of you to meet each other physically but something was always trying to prevent that. School trips, exams, family vacations, friends... life. But this time you find yourself pushing the words out, no matter how small, this time you don't think you want to settle for a ‘maybe.’

"I really want us to do this," you finally say. "We won't know anything unless we try."

His response doesn't come immediately, in fact for a moment you're scared it will never come at all and that he’ll skillfully change the topic. 

"I guess you're right, Princess. I'm just hoping that..." but unlike the other times, Bambam doesn't complete his train of thought. At least not to you.

You wait for him though. As you climb the stone steps that lead to your dorm, you wait for him. Because he's not good with pushy people and you've already pushed him enough to agree to meet you. Although, you do know that he wouldn't have even given the idea the light of day if he didn't want it a little bit. 

That pacifies you more than you can say. He wanted to see you and even if nothing else came out of this, at least you could say you tried. 

You slot the key into your room door and jack it open. Your roommate doesn't get back home until hours later, so you don't bother notifying her that you’re back. Instead, you trudge into your room and land in a heap on your bed. You figure you've waited a long enough time.

"Bam, what are you hoping for?"

You know he's listening and that he's still up there in your head. You can still feel his presence — a little pressure at the back of your head that feels satisfyingly comforting — so by deduction, you also know that he doesn't want to answer the question. So, it doesn't come as much of a surprise when he sighs deeply and you know that if he was in front of you, he'd shoot you a smile to ease the tension straining in your chest. Now, you wonder how his smile would look like.

"Goodnight, Princess."

It's really rare that you ever feel completely alone and this time is one of them. He's gone, retreated back to himself and you're left with only the residual moments. You stuff your face into a pillow and scream until you run out of breath. The sound comes out muffled and strangled but it helps elevate your mood to a higher degree, regardless how little.

Maybe this is wrong? Maybe he already has someone and that's why he's not fully on board with seeing you? You know that's impossible because Bambam tells you everything. Or at least, you think to yourself, almost everything. Imagine if you've been crushing on him for five — almost six — years all on your own. Oh God, the horror.

It takes weeks and weeks of failed planning before Bambam finally agrees to set a date for the two of you to meet. In fact, he barely has the time to talk to you anymore. You don't call him out on his bullshit excuses only because you get highly embarrassed after every attempt. 

He is not surprisingly "very busy," these days and doesn't have the time to talk that much. You know, it's him trying to put distance between you and him but you don't know why and it drives you up the wall.

The place that the two of you agreed on is somewhere between the half-mark between the two of your universities. It's one of the really huge shopping districts in the area and has the best food. You remember some time ago telling Bam about the place and how bad you wanted to go. You don't necessarily want to admit, but it fills you with something akin to immeasurable happiness when he remembers this seemingly little detail.

You watch amusedly as your friend, Mark, attempts to help you pick something out to wear. Mark is a great friend. If you had to choose anyone else closer to you than Bam, Mark would be it. Mark was usually a very quiet person, given the occasion. But got infused by the God of Words whenever it came to the topic of your supposed-soulmate. He seems more excited about this meeting than you are and that says something. 

"Ah," he says now. "Wear that shirt. You know the shirt I’m talking about right? The one that makes your eyes pop? You know, the one."

Okay, so just because he gets help from the God of Words occasionally doesn't mean his sentences come out coherently.

You shake your head as you snicker to yourself. "What shirt? I've got like a thousand —"

He pulls the particular shirt from your wardrobe drawer and waves it in your face like a flag."This one! Take, wear it."

"So bossy," you remark but do as he says. "Also quick question."

"Shoot."

"You don't think I'm stupid, do you? For doing this? Meeting with someone I don't know and expecting something more. Like what if this is all a joke fate is playing on me."

Mark gives you a look of understanding laced with undoubting resolve. You see, Mark is a sucker for the soulmate epidemic. He hasn't found his own yet but he knows his soulmate is out there. If the name on his wrist is anything to go by. He doesn't particularly believe in the system but he definitely believes in the name printed on his body. You would too if you had one.

"Wrong. You do know him, better than anyone else, I think. And the situation isn't that bad. Maybe not the most ideal, but either he's your soulmate or he's not."

Either he's your soulmate or not. Right, you're just hoping for everything good in the world that he is.

"I hate that you’re right," you sigh out. "Give me a minute." You disappear into the bathroom and change your shirt into the one Mark suggested.

It does look good on you, he's right about that. But you still fumble with the corners of it, nervous. You wish Mark could come with you but that defeats the purpose. Besides, Mark is pretty occupied these days with someone else.

He doesn't talk about the person that much but when he does, his smile looks brighter than you remember. You wonder a little if it's his soulmate... probably. He tells you close to nothing about the person, only that he's "working on it," whatever that means.

You walk out of the bathroom and show Mark how you look. He nods, giving you a thumbs up. "Knew it," he smiles as he passed you one of the coats lying on your bed.

You slip it on and look at yourself in the mirror. You're still nervous but at least you look pretty good. Rather look amazing and feel like a cluster of nerves than the opposite. You pick your boots off the floor and proceed to hustle them on.

"Don't worry about the soulmate thing, [y/n]." Mark breaks the silence. "Think of it as meeting your online friend... or something."

"Thanks," you say and mean it.

You think the topic of conversation has ended as you run your hand through your hair, doing your best to calm yourself. In fact, Mark walks with you outside as you wait for your Uber to arrive and your mind has already picked something else to fret over.

Using the tip of your foot, you kick stones on the floor and watch them fly across the street. You're about to continue the endeavor when Mark finally speaks up again.

"You mind if I say something?"

Your head snaps up and your lips pull into a frown. "Go ahead."

"Don't just see. Your soulmate is more than how they look. It's how their eyes light when they smile, how much they care and have compassion for you and others. It's different things that add up to make them much more attractive."

You're not sure where he's coming from but you pay attention to his words because he knows something. You don't know much about Mark's soulmate mark but you know it's not the first one he had. You know his first one had ended among stardust, something to be forgotten about with someone else.

"Sometimes the system is shit but usually it's pretty right. So, don't give up on them before you've even met them."

"Thanks, Mark," his words hit somewhere deep in your chest and it stays there. "I needed that."

The Uber driver pulls up and before you can think of anything else, Mark is pushing you forward. For a moment, you're tempted to remain here and not go and find the voice in your head. But this is your chance! it's the only time that you truly think you'd be able to go through with this. Bam is the childhood friend you've never seen, how hard can it be to finally meet him.

You take in a deep breath, pulling the car door open and strengthening your resolve. You're doing everything you can on your end, everything else is up to the universe to discover and work its magic... hopefully. At least, that’s what you're hoping for. 

The shopping district is packed. Completely full. If it were any smaller, it would be pouring out unto the streets. Actually, wait, people are on the streets. It's humongous and for a moment you wonder how the fuck you're supposed to find Bam. Especially now that he wasn't answering your incessant cries for him to hear you. 

There’s a low thrumming in your chest, you cant really believe that it's finally happening. You’ve waited so long for this and now that the moment is here, you can feel the hairs on your neck standing at attention like you would know the second your eyes connect with him that it's him.

"Bam!" You manage to duck around a group of high schoolers that have no sense of boundaries and get back on the sidewalk. "Hey! Answer me! Where are you?"

It takes several moments and even more almost near-death instances with other passerby's before he finally hears you.

"[y/n]?"

"No, who else is the voice inside your head Bambam."

There's a laugh, no matter how small, that leaves his lips and it soothes your bones. You stop moving and find a corner near one of the numerous shoe stores and lean on one of the cream-colored pillars. You’re anxious. Actually, no. You are agitated. There are so many things that could go wrong, so many things out of your control —

"Where are you?" He asks as if you hadn't asked the same question mere seconds ago. "I just got here."

Sweat lines your brows as you look around and notice a few landmarks beside you and narrate them to him. He clicks his tongue in agreement and you assume he's on his way over. Wow, your heart is starting to pound faster than you thought possible. 

He lets out a worried chuckle. "Are you nervous?"

"As fuck."

"Do you think being soulmates is all that is cracked up to be? What if it's all a scam and they're all just pretending and we’re just going to get disappointed?”

You think back to Mark's words and the feelings bubbling in your chest. If this isn't what being a soulmate is, then what is? You don't care how Bam looks, you don't care about Bam’s flaws. Not when you know them by heart already.  You just want to meet the boy that makes you believe that there is a deeper meaning of stars. You just want to meet the person that's kept you afloat for so many years.

"I don't know Bam. I just really really want to meet my best friend.”

His breath hitches and a smile tugs at your lips. “You’ve never said that out loud before.”

“But I think it. I think it all the time.”

“You’re my best friend too, Princess. Hardly any competition,” he says with calming certainty but you already know. 

Neither of you have ever said the titles aloud to each other because there was never a reason to. It had become one of those things that just happened.

Wrapping your arms around your waist as a quick breeze moves by, you breathe out. “I think being soulmates is more than we can understand."

Bambam doesn't say anything in response but you think that if you could see him, he would be nodding his head. Not in agreement but not in disagreement either. You can't help but think that maybe Bam likes you better as a best friend than as a soulmate. And there's absolutely nothing wrong with that since they both get love in their own respective ways. But you're not sure you can take being just a friend... not when you're finally taking the initiative to be something extra.

Another sharp breeze whizzes past and you watch amusedly a few people shriek as they try to rein in their hair and children. You're about to bend down and re-lace your shoe to help curb your nervousness when you feel the first drops of unsuspected rain. Shit, the weather forecast said today was supposed to be clear skies. That's why you and Bam agreed to meet today, that was also why there are so many people here on a Thursday. That’s why—

 Today is supposed to be a good day.

"Bam, what are you wearing?" You say just as he says,"I'm here!"

You don't know what you were expecting. Maybe the skies will crack open and a dove will fly down and tell you exactly who you came all the way here for but nothing like that happens. In fact, the only thing the sky is cracking is a dark and loud thunder. You push yourself off the pillar, trying to find something — anything — amidst the frenzied crowd. 

"Is that you in the yellow beanie?" His voice comes out in frantic pants and you think maybe he ran here. "The red one? Black?"

"I'm not wearing a beanie. Are you in a leather jacket? A coat? What are you wearing?"

"Uh, um, it's a brown coat. Reaches somewhere near my knees. What about y—"

"I can't see anyone in a brown coat—" you get rudely awakened when someone bumps hard into your side and you trip over your feet, but before your face can come in contact with the ground, someone graciously reaches out and steadies you.

She looks like she’s also in a hurry and doesn't even wait for you to thank her before she's back on her way. You still shout your gratitude and hope she knows it's for her. You're not paying attention to in front of you and just as you whip your head around to keep searching for Bambam, you run into someone else. Something goes off in your head as you repeatedly bend your head and apologize to the person, cursing yourself for being so out of it. 

"Bam, I'm in a blue coat. It's three sizes too big, my hair is a mess, I have my phone out and I'm waving like a mad woman," when you realize that you've gone too long without him interrupting you, you ask almost solemnly and with an almost dejected feeling in your chest. "Bam?"

That's when you feel it. That sense of being utterly alone that you don’t want to ever feel. You feel it now and you know this is wrong. So incredibly wrong. You whip your head back, looking for the person you bumped into.

This cannot be happening. Where is he? He was right there, wasn’t he? Why can't you remember anything about him? Why can’t you see him?

Browncoatbrowncoatbrowncoat.

You felt it. It was sharp and it was loud and it ripped your walls apart and it felt like your mind was being dowsed in cold water, again and again, and again. It felt like the first time when you were seven years old and suddenly the voice in your head came in without a filter. It felt strikingly beautiful and now it’s gone.

This shouldn't be happening... but it is. Rain droplets are falling down faster and people are hurdling around, heading to their cars, entering empty stores but you can't do that. You have to find him. You swear on everything that you are, that you just met him and this shouldn't be happening. Things weren't supposed to take a turn this way. He was right in front of you and you didn't —

Is this it?

Pushing through the decreasing crowd, you try to find something you don't even know. Is he looking for you? You don't know if you should scream his name and hope it reaches him. He couldn't have gone that far if he'd felt what you felt. 

You're begging the universe now. You'd done your part, it wasn't supposed to be like this. He was real, he is here. You should be able to find him, you have to be able to find him. Everything hurts as your mind runs thoughts into each other, drawing up blanks, muddling into themselves. Nothing is helping because as the pain increasingly gets worse, so is swelling in your chest. Like you'd finally found it. That thing that everyone's been talking about. That stupid, damned soulmate epidemic. And like you’d stupidly allowed it to slip right through your fingers and —

"Please, please, please... The system, the universe, whatever you are... I believe in you even though I do not fully understand you, but you can't do this. You can't wind me up to this point and then laugh right in my fucking face."

You're ridiculously on edge now and you're pushing forward in the crowd. Looking, scanning. Bam said he'd dyed his hair blonde-silver weeks ago. You look for any sign. Anything that points to him. You're not even sure about your next course of action when something else catches the corner of your eye.

There's someone else you see that's dividing the crowd away. Everyone else is moving one way; out of the rain but he... he's different. There's a sort of unadulterated fear and glint in his eyes and for a second your heart stops.

It's like looking into a mirror. Truly a moment in time that you would never be able to forget, not that you'd ever want to, but its the principle of the thing. You weren't even a hairsbreadth next to each other, weren't sharing a kiss, weren't even exchanging words, but the unexplainable intimacy that skittered and burst between the two of you as you wordlessly and hopelessly locked into each other's gaze was intangible. It choked around your chest and demanded to be felt and you did. You suddenly feel like you can sense everything and anything all at once.

I feel you around me even though I can't exactly describe what I'm feeling.

Your legs are moving before you realize it and you shouldn't be crying like this. Tears shouldn't be streaming down your face, mixing with the rain. You shouldn't feel as warm as you do under such circumstances but you do. Oh god, you do. You've been told that you're an ugly-crier but you can't stop the heart wrecking sounds leaving your lips because you can just tell.

Intimacy is not something defined by purely physical attraction. It's the act of connecting with someone so deeply, you feel like you can see into their soul, you'd read this somewhere and how right the person had been.

Fourteen-years-old you that had begun to fall for the voice in her head is over the moon, begging the universe to not bring her down. The present you is on a train wreck. Piecing things about yourself you'd never bothered to do before.

Your mind keeps going back to the person who tells you when you're on some bullshit and smacks sense into you. The person that knows how to calm you down during times you don't think you can. The person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life. The person that has always been there. That's what your soulmate means to you; the person who shows you everything that's holding you back.

A few months — heck, a few days — ago, you would have never come to this realization. That Bam simply is the most important person you'll ever meet. There's no dispute about it, nothing you can say that would change how you feel at this moment.

He's standing in front of you and you know you've forgotten how to breathe. How can you? When everything you've heard in your mind has to have led you to this moment. This moment that the two of you have been so afraid of. You don't want to go back, who in their right mind would want that? You want forward, forward, and then some.

Everything is connected, like an ocean that twirls and fills, ever-growing and ever-changing. New rivers flowing into oceans day by day, and once the bond is created, no matter how superficial, the connection is unbreakable. That’s what this feels like.

His hands connect with your forearm as he pulls you gently out of the rain and into the nearest café. You don't pay the surrounding environment any mind, so you can't even describe it if someone asked you. All you can think about is his hands on yours, how warm it feels, how you should be feeling cold but all you feel is burning hot sensations. It's hard to explain something you've never felt before but it feels safe. 

Your mind is busy running loops around each other, taking him in. His appearance. The silver-ish hair looks breathtaking on him. You have a hard time placing the former voice in your head to him. He's so... different. Different meaning good, by the way. Something you’re not used to but something you want to get used to.

Bam leads you to a booth somewhere near the back and even when you take seats opposite each other, his hand doesn't break away from yours. Instead, he reaches down form your forearm to grasp your fingers. You take your other hand and furiously swipe at the tearstain marks drawn across your face, sniffling as you do so. You’re a mess. A real fucking mess. But so is he.

You'd always imagined meeting your soulmate in better conditions. Most certainly without crying your ass off like an idiot, but you can't bring it within you to care anymore. The rainwater has caused your clothes to stick unceremoniously to your skin but the same goes for Bambam. There's nothing to be done though. It's already happened and that's that.

He wipes the tears from his eyes too and you smile through your wheezing. It wasn't just you, and that makes you feel inexplicably full. You both wait for your emotions to settle down before anyone attempts to say anything. Your heart is pounding wildly in your chest and you're sure he can hear it because you can hear his.

"Never knew you were such a crybaby, Princess."

You scoff amidst your predicament. "Yes, you did. I never knew you were so into dramatic entrances."

"That's was totally unplanned,” his eyes widen a fraction. “I thought... I thought I'd lost you. It felt like I was being torn open.

Honest. You decide you'll be honest too.

"Yeah. I felt like I'd just missed my only chance and I was never going to get it back. I started praying—"

His laughter breaks your sentence, his eyes are lit up and damn, you do understand what Mark was saying. His smile is so much better than you could have ever imagined. It's greater. It breaks through the walls enclosing your heart — something that rubs you almost the same way the stars do. Even if you'll never be able to reach it, you don't care as long as you see it.

"Praying?"

"Shut up," you use your free hand and cover your eyes. "I was really distressed. I thought I would never be able to hear you again and I —"

You feel his hand wrap around the one across your eyes and he pulls it slowly down. Now both of his fingers are tangled into both of yours. Christ, this is better than his voice in your head. This is better than anything you previously thought you knew.

"I prayed too," he says even though there is still laughter on his lips. "I couldn't imagine my life without you at all. Can you imagine how dark that would be?"

No. You can't. You can't and you don't want to because you've met a boy whose eyes show you that the future, the present, and the past are all wrapped around the same thing. There's something indefinite about being with him. Like it could never really be broken. That your chance with him was never even lost, to begin with. It was always there just waiting for one of you to reach out and close the distance.

"I mean, this is so much better."

"Than what?"

You bite your lower lip, trying to find how to word your thoughts without sounding like the sappy romantic that you are. "Than imagining you in my head. I can see your smiles, your smirk, your mannerisms. There's no comparison really."

"Do you think we'll last?"

"I think we met and know each other for a reason. I think if the Universe didn't think we could last, they wouldn't have bothered to give us each other."

He nods, your words making him feel better about this situation. It's beautifully terrifying this feeling. When he was just the voice in your head, it had felt like you were inseparable. Now, at this moment, it feels like you are one and the same; one soul inhabiting two people.

"You're right." He reluctantly lets go of one of your hands but keeps the other wound tight. "You know what I think?"

You raise an eyebrow at him, but rest your chin on your palm. "What do you think, Bam?"

His face turns serious, he wants you to understand that this is something he's felt for a long time. Something that he's hard a hard time coming to terms with. Something that kept him wide awake in the middle of the night. Something that while he was trying to put distance between the two of you, he realized.

"That things happened the way it's supposed to," he says.

"Really?"

"If you hadn't fallen out of the tree that day when you were seven and broke your nose, you wouldn't have cried so hard that it physically drew me into you," he licks his lips before he presses on.

"If you hadn't let me convince you to dye your hair any other color but brown when you were fifteen, I would have never known how stubborn you were when you wanted things your way. If you hadn't bombed your Biology exam and gotten so pissed that you wanted to whack something with a baseball bat, we wouldn't have looked at the stars together that day and subsequently, we wouldn't be here because neither of us would have had the courage to do anything."

You know he's right. If all these small, seemingly unrelated things hadn't happened, you doubt you'll be here. Sitting in front of him and wondering how the universe did something so beautiful. There were so many things about him that added to this moment too.

His uncanny urge to always seek you out before he went to a dance audition when he was nine and got dumped in the playground by the most popular girl in school. Concurrently punching his ex-girlfriends new boyfriend in the face and you having to calm him down when he was freaking out about heading to the Principals office. When—

He traces the back of your palm with his thumb, effectively bringing your thoughts back to the present. "People usually fall in love. But some people — we —  were already born in love. That's how it feels between you and me."

Forever. That's what this feels like. A promise for more and with everything you are made of, you know this will last for forever.

Frankly, you really believe that there is an invisible red string tied between him and you and that it has stretched and tangled for years. It has withstood everything your soul has to offer. Been there for you when you didn't know it even existed. You know that it won't, or rather can't, break because your souls are tightly fitted together. 

You and him until when forever is meant to be. You and the former voice in your head; the boy that you truly believe deserves the name as your soulmate. You’ve got nothing left to give him that he doesn't already have or know. There's a new awareness soaking into your bones. That the two of you, now that you're together, are spectacular.

A/N: oh my god, i hope people like this and tell me what they think. thank you so so much for reading!! ahh, please do tell me if you liked this :)

⇢ masterlist

©️ 2018 kai, moonbelt [aka high-on-food]

[itswomanswork]

7 Easy Productivity Hacks That Will 10x Your Output

Most people these days drink from a firehose of information, working like a robot and still complain about low productivity. While productivity levels might fluctuate from individual to individual, scoring low on productivity more than a few times can be detrimental for work.

For most people, there is a limit to which they can stretch themselves. After that, you are bound to break down. The huge burden of unfinished tasks takes a toll on your relationships as well as your physical and mental health.

If you are having trouble finding the motivation to get up and go to the office, then it is time that you change your working style. Because this is a classic symptom that surfaces near your break down limit.

Everyone has 24 hours in a day. Some people like Elon Musk can manage multiple billion-dollar ventures while others struggle to do even the basic things. One of the key skills that differentiate the successful from the average is – Productivity.

Like all other skills, productivity can be learned with practice and persistence.

Try to follow these productivity hacks to enhance your productivity and do more in less time.

1. Prioritize your work

First and foremost, don’t waste your time on stuff that is not yours to do, or is not required right away. Until you learn to prioritize, you will find yourself running from pillar to post with a pile of mismanaged work. Setting priorities lets you be in control of the whole situation and manage it efficiently.

The 34th President of United States, Dwight Eisenhower is considered to be one of the most productive people on Earth. His strategy to get the most out of life is now popularly known as the Eisenhower Matrix, and is the key to boost your productivity.

Image Source

This matrix clearly defines how to segregate your tasks based on urgency and importance. Important tasks are those which directly or indirectly contribute to your long-term goal. So, define what you want from your life, and start with this matrix.

a. Not Urgent and Not Important

Simply eliminate these tasks out of your work pile. If elimination is not possible, reduce them to the bare minimum and put them on the last priority. This simple step will help you get rid of the junk that was posing as work.

b. Urgent but Not Important

Tasks, like formatting a report, taking appointments, booking travel itineraries, and sending bulk e-mails can often be delegated or outsourced. Assign them to someone else and just take follow-ups on the status.

c. Important but Not Urgent

These are the tasks that are important to take up in achieving your goals but are often ignored because we are busy doing unimportant tasks that are urgent. Plan these tasks, schedule them beforehand and stick to your schedule to do them.

d. Important and Urgent

Three words, “Just Do It”. Leave everything else, concentrate your mind and just start working on these tasks.

Once you have the segregation, elimination, delegation, and prioritization in place, you’ll find yourself in a much more commanding position in your life.

2. Schedule your tasks smartly

In simple terms, don’t bite off more than you can chew. It’s good to be ambitious, but that doesn’t mean you should cramp up your schedule with a lot of tasks. Try to focus on one big task each day that takes you closer to your long or short term goals and make sure that you clear it up within the day.

Put other smaller tasks on the waiting list, and take them up when you finish the main task that you have scheduled.

Once you shift your energy from scheduling more tasks to actually doing one task a day, you’ll find that the work pile has started to shorten down slowly but steadily.

Besides, don’t leave the bigger and more complex tasks for last, take them up first. Brian Tracy, the author of “Eat that Frog” dives deep into the importance of accomplishing complex tasks first. The tasks that you fear the most are the root of your problems, and once you are done and dusted with them, even a bigger pile would look less intimidating.

3. Use technology to help

There are so many software programs on the market to help you in your quest. First of all, use simple project management software to plan out bigger projects and break it down into smaller chunks with milestones and a timeline.

Such a project management tool can be a lifesaver and let you have a clear overview throughout the project lifecycle. Other than that, use note-taking tools like Evernote or Onenote to register and segregate your thoughts and information.

Learn to use Google Calendar, Gmail, and other G-suite programs effectively to boost your productivity.

4. Reduce the transition time between tasks

via GIPHY

In most of the cases, you’ll have multiple tasks to do on the same day, which are often related to completely different subject matters. For example, you may have to work on a presentation for a venture capitalist from 9 AM to 11 PM and take up production planning at 11:00 PM.

Many of us are not able to completely shut down the previous task and begin the new one. Actively work on your strategy to reduce this transition time to as minimal as possible.

Take short breaks once you finish a task, or even between a big task for meditation, exercise or other refreshing activity like ping-pong. During this break, your mind will get out of the previous task and you’ll be ready to take up the next one.

5. Eliminate interruptions while working

Technology enables us to stay connected to the world at all the times. But, it is not necessarily a good thing. It happens a lot that you are working in full flow, your mind is completely focused and you are actually getting things done when suddenly your phone rings.

Make it a habit that you put your phone on silent mode (without vibration) before sitting down for work. Internet is also a major distraction. If you don’t require help from it in your work, switch off your laptop’s Wi-Fi. Learn to say “no” to your colleagues and even your seniors when you are working on something.

If new tasks come your way, don’t leave your current work and start with the new task straight away. Clarify your situation, write down the task in your to-do-list and schedule the task at a later point in time when you are free.

6. Batch similar tasks together

This is a simple, yet effective technique for increasing your productivity. While scheduling tasks, put the same tasks together to reduce the transition time of your brain from switching between tasks.

For instance, suppose you have to do sales calls and send out follow-up emails to them. Try to dedicate 1 hour just for calling the clients and noting down any important details down on a piece of paper.

Once you are done with the calls, take out another hour to just send the emails to them. Use templates to speed up the process even more. This way, you’ll definitely get more done in less time.

7. Conduct meetings effectively

Although meetings are imperative for discussions, they can eat up your time if not intricately planned. If you are invited to a meeting, make sure that the agenda of the meeting has been crisply stated beforehand, so that everyone can prepare.

Learn to say no to those meetings where you feel that your presence is not necessary. One innovative way to shorten the duration of such meetings is to conduct stand-up meetings. Simply remove the chairs from the meeting room and watch the productivity of the meeting shoot up significantly.

Conclusion

Increasing your productivity is the stepping stone towards a wholesome life with low-stress levels and improved happiness. Anyone is not born productive or unproductive. It is a skill that can be honed with conscious efforts and persistence.

So start working on your efficiency today, and live your life to the fullest.

Guest author: David is a technical writer, his works are regularly published in various papers and top-notch portals. His rich experience in Project management domain helps him offer latest and fresh perspective on improved efficiency in workflows across organizations. His informative works on similar lines can be reached out on ProProfs Project.

The post 7 Easy Productivity Hacks That Will 10x Your Output appeared first on Jeffbullas’s Blog.

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[csc104cscslog-blog]

SLOG #3

Dec. 6th, 2017

Questions addressed in this SLOG: What advice would you give to a student beginning this course about (a) how to design a function, and (b) how to prepare for this course?

Before this course, I have no idea what a function is and that one day I am able to design a function myself. So what is a function?

Like the professor said, if you find yourself doing something over and over again, you are doing something wrong because programming language is suppose to make your work easier not tedious. Suppose you want to rotate-ccw an image and put it beside that image that’s been scaled to 1/2 of its original size, using the function

 (beside (rotate-ccw an-image) (scale 2 an-image))

over and over again. Consider making it a function called rotate-beised or any name you want to call that is not been defined before, then designing it use

 (define (rotate-beside an-image)

   (beside (rotate-ccw an-image) (scale 2 an-image)))

 In this definition, (define (rotate-beside an-image) part is called the function header; and (beside (rotate-ccw an-image) (scale 2 an-image))) part is called the function body. Now you can use the new function rotate-beside instead to save your time. Hopefully you will find defining a function is easy, that is the principle but probably after the first assigned project you will struggle. Some tip that helps me is that always keep in mind of what you are doing and do it step by step. Look closely at the check expect, where you will find what you should write into the function body. There might be a lot to put into the function body, write them down step by step and try them out using “step” functions to see the outcome in DrRacket’s Interaction pane. Good thing is that DrRacket will tell you what you did wrong so you can correct or improve it. Then put them together into the function body to finish your design. Run it to check whether it matches the check expect. If it cannot run, don’t panic. See what it expects and make adjustment.

       I don’t know anything before taking this course so I did not prepare anything for it. But I think I made it through well. Don’t think it as an easy course; programming needs patience and practice. Go to your classes and try to follow up the professor, try it out on your computer is always helpful then just listen, and think hopefully you may got it. Try it out yourself and you will know your mistake. When you confused, raise hand and ask. If you feel embarrassed, there are always plenty of office hours and TAs hour that you can go and ask questions. They are very helpful. Before quizzes and tests, practice the exercises that’s posed and look up the terms you mess up in search manuals. When you struggle, start simple again to see your confusion, practice step by step to solve. Don’t jump to the answer right away every time because you will make mistakes frequently that way; see through “step” functions of how it’s done. As long as you follow the instructions patiently and carefully, do all your work, and get your questions solved by professors, TA, or your peers, you will see how you can do with programming; and it is pretty interesting!

[obedmanwatkar]

Savitribai Phule & Tarabai Shinde By: Obed Manwatkar

Abstract

This essay explores the subjectivity and agency of two nineteenth century women who relentlessly fought against patriarchy and the caste system. Not much has been written about them. Savitribai was known only as the wife of Jyotirao Phule or as a teacher of female education and Tarabai Shinde, who was a widow, is still anonymous to the evangelical world. However, this article argues that Savitribai and Tarabai took patriarchy head on and fought against child marriage and female infanticide, opened orphanages, worked for widow remarriage, and for female education. Savitribai and Tarabai created their own identity by coming out of shadows of male dominance and carried the mantle of social revolution that had been handed over by Mahatma Jotirao Phule after his death. They were far ahead of the nationalist discourse on women in 19th century colonial India.

 Keywords

Patriarchy, Caste, Inter caste Marriage, Orphanage, Socially Reforming Education, Female Subjectivity

 Content

The experience of missionary evangelism in India gave rise to notions of social reform and cultural nationalism which led to conflicted relationships with feminism. Modernity also resulted in the relative marginalization of those figures who proposed notions of revolutionary ideas opposed to tradition. Two such figures who emerged in Indian feminism were Savitribai Phule and Tarabai Shinde.

 Savitribai Phule

Early life

 Savitribai was born in Naigaon village in Satara district to her mother Laxmibai and father Khandoji Navse Patil, who was the village chief. Savitribai was just nine years old when she was married to Jyotirao Phule (age thirteen) in the year 1840. According to the Hindu calendar, the tithi, or date, of their marriage was Falgun Vadya panchami, Shakey 1765. Savitribai’s father-in-law, Govindrao Phule, was from Phursungi, with the last name Khirsagar. The Peshwa gave him a horticultural land in Pune, so he migrated to Pune and started a horticultural business. As is generally the case in India, his last name was changed to reflect the family business.  He therefore acquired the last name Phule, from the word “phul”, meaning flower.

 Savitribai’s husband Jyotirao lost his mother at a very young age. His maternal aunt, Saguna, (lovingly called SagunaAau by Jyotirao, with Aau meaning mother) nurtured him. SagunaAau worked as a nanny for a British officer’s son. She therefore understood and was able to converse in English. She used this knowledge to inspire Jyotirao and attract him to education.

 Savitribai had been given a book by a Christian missionary before her marriage which she brought with her to her in-law's house. This shows the attraction she had for words and books despite being uneducated. Savitribai set up a school for SagunaAau on 1st May 1847 in a backward community. This was their first school. SagunaAau started teaching there happily and enthusiastically. A year later, when a school was started in Bhide Wada in Pune, SagunaAau was called there to teach. The first school had stopped working abruptly due to lack of acceptability for education for lower caste people in those days.

 CRITIQUE OF PATRIARCHAL SOCIETY

 Apart from her identity as Jotirao Phule’s wife, Savitribai is little known even in academia. She was modern India’s first woman teacher, a radical exponent of mass education – particularly for women, a champion of women’s liberation, a pioneer of engaged poetry, and a courageous mass leader who took on the forces of patriarchy and caste which certainly should have created her independent identity and contribution. (Braj Rajan Mani and Pamela Sardar 1988: 7) She, along with her husband, realized that the Indian women do not have a monolithic identity and the issues of caste and gender are interrelated. Her thoughts show the sensitivity and understanding of the existing diversity of patriarchies in terms of castes in India with varying degrees of women’s exploitation. Savitribai’s role in the anti-caste and women’s struggle is unique and unparalleled among all the social reform movements in nineteenth century as it linked patriarchy with the caste.

 Savitribai Phule started several initiatives for social transformation much before the early nationalists took up the social reform as a campaign strategy. One of the main focuses of her interventions was the challenge she posed to the well-established patriarchal and brahmanical relations, especially in terms of combating female illiteracy and caste. For Savitribai, social and economic power was located in traditional social structures and practices. The traditional social order signifies a dominant system, ideology and a set of institutions that perpetuate the process of exploitation. It is interesting to note that both shudras and atishudras are generic terms for those who provide service. Hence oppression, exploitation and social discrimination define the shudra and atishudra castes. In this sense, all women are considered shudras by the Phules, since they are also oppressed. Savitribai and Jyotirao Phule are the pioneers for their numerous attempts amongst Stree-Shudra-Atishudra, such as throwing open their doors of learning to “women and lower castes”, opening their drinking water well to the untouchables, and throwing upon their home to the child widows and to orphan children (Lalita Dhara 2011: 13).

 CHAMPION OF FEMALE EDUCATION

 Savitribai Phule was the mother of modern Indian education and a liberator for the women and lower caste people. She was the first Indian woman teacher and the first Indian to revolutionise the traditional fabric of Indian society by opening education to girls and to lower caste children. “She was the first Indian to place universal, child sensitive, intellectually critical, and socially reforming education at the very core of the agenda for all children in India.” (Thom Wolf and Andrade: 2008.)

 Saviribai understood that self-realisation through education is the key to social as well as gender equality. She believed firmly that only education can liberate women from the oppressive patriarchal structures. She goes to the extent of saying that if tradition is bondage for liberation, then smash that tradition. As a first step in this direction she started a school with Saguna in Maharwada in 1847.  Later on, on 1st January 1948, the country's first school for girls was started at Bhide's wada in Pune and Savitribai was nominated as the first head mistress of the school. This was her first dent to patriarchy when she was appointed as a teacher at a time when teaching of girls was supposed to be an unholy, unheard of thing, and moreover, an affront to traditional honour. In times when women were treated no better than the cattle at home, Savitribai earned the distinction of being the first Indian woman to become a teacher. For this she undertook training at Ms. Farar’s Institution at Ahmednagar and in Ms. Mitchell’s school in Pune.

 She faced severe opposition from almost all sections. Savitribai was subject to intense harassment everyday as she walked to the school. Stones, mud and dirt were flung at her as she passed. But she faced everything courageously. Dhananjay Keer describes Savitribai's response to the situation: “Embarrassed by this unholy uproar and upsurge, she would stop in the street and say serenely to her persecutors: ‘God forgive you. I am doing my duty. May He bless you” ( Keer 1974: 68). Relying on contributions from friends, the generosity of individual British administrators, and their own labour, Savitribai and her husband endured the opposition and continued the school, and even replicated the project, proceeding to start several more schools throughout Pune over the next few years. However, the Phules were not exclusivist. The teachers appointed in the schools run by Phules included Brahmins as well as other caste people and a large number of women. Fatima Shaikh, who worked with Savitribai from the beginning, is said to be the first Muslim woman teacher in a modern school in India.

 The first public Til-Gul programme was arranged by Mahila Seva Mandal on 14th January, 1852 in which Savitribai, along with her husband, took an active part. Their family was honoured by the British government for their works in the field of education and Savitribai was awarded as the best teacher in 1852.  Savitribai also learned English. When the Revenue Commissioner went to inspect her school on February 12, 1853, he saw Savitribai teaching and he praised her and conversed with her in simple English. The report says that “The prejudice against teaching girls to read and write began to give way ---the good conduct and honesty of the peons in conveying the girls to and from school and parental treatment and indulgent attention of the teachers made the girls love the schools and literally run to them with alacrity and joy” ( Keer 2011:  28).

 In 1853, the Government and the Board of Education honoured the Phules' efforts in education, presenting them with a pair of shawls. This incident is not a normal one and bears special recognition. This was an official and public commendation of gifting the shawls in pair to both Jotirao and Savitribai. This is perhaps the first known presentation of a shawl to a woman and an indelible mark on the head of patriarchal agenda that Indian society was facing during this period. Also, by 1853, the Phules and their companions founded an Education Society that continued to open schools for girls and for the lower castes, as well as to give lectures to the lower castes in Pune, explaining the benefits of education. Dhananjay Keer says for this memorable moment “For the first time in India during her history of three thousand years…the gates of knowledge were opened to the lowest of the low.” And, it was Jotirao and Savitribai Phule who effected this “miraculous change”( Keer 1974: 29).

 Savitribai Phule and Mahatma Jotirao Phule were on the same page as far as female education was concerned. In a statement made before the Education Commission (1882), Jotirao Phule’s opening sentences note the compatibility of thoughts on education between himself and his wife: “My experience in educational matters is principally confined to Poona and the surrounding villages. About 25 years ago, the missionaries had established a female school at Poona but no indigenous school for girls existed at the time. I, therefore, was induced . . . to establish such a school, and in which I and my wife worked together for many years” (G.P.Deshpande 2002: 102)  Again, when Jotiba and Savitribai were being honoured in a public function in Pune  on 16th Nov. 1852, Jotiba Phule, honestly accepted his wife’s contribution. This is the first time in the history of India that an Indian leader publicly admitted the share of his wife in his thoughts and works.

 Savitribai agreed with her husband in conceptualizing the knowledge as Tritiya ratna, the ‘Third eye’, which they saw as knowledge that went beyond merely alphabetical competence to the power to see through hegemonic ideology.  They also felt the same knowledge also will help liberate people from the system of oppression and to dismantle it. For Savitribai, truth is the true home of genuine spirituality, so critical thinking is never an enemy in the educational process.  Savitribai and the Truth Seekers community envisioned a social function for education, and believed that “in education…lay the key to a fundamental change in social attitudes” (O’ Hanlon Rosalind 1985: 119).  Her goal in promoting education for the masses was not simply to raise the temporary standard of living for a few individuals, but to reshape the entire future of the nation of India.

 Savitribai was an educational philosopher well ahead of her times. She incorporated innovative methods for spreading education – she gave stipends to prevent children from dropping out of school. She was the teacher who inspired a young student to ask for a library for the school at an award ceremony instead of gifts for herself. She even conducted the equivalent of a parent-teacher meeting to involve the parents so that they would understand the importance of education and support their children. Her schools imparted vocational training as well. Savitribai motivated her 11-year-old student Muktabai, to write an essay that became the cornerstone of ‘Dalit literature’. Savitribai's remarkable influence through her teaching and writings is evident in an essay she wrote, which was published in the paper Dyanodaya, in 1855. The essay 'Mang Maharachya Dukhvisayi', which translates as 'Grief of the Mangs and Mahars', is deemed to be among the earliest surviving documentations by a woman writer. It portrays the atrocities committed against untouchables and received accolades even in English translation. The writer's lambasting of the caste system, and the religion that upholds it, reveals the 'potential explosiveness' of education that the Phules were so keen to create. Similarly, no other women’s writing could show the radical spirit which was shown late by Tarabai Shinde’s ��Stri Purush Tulna.” Savitribai said, “Work hard, study well, and do good” she constantly underscored the importance of education and physical work for knowledge and prosperity. She felt that women must receive an education as they were in no way inferior to men; they were not the slaves of men (Braj Rajan Mani and Pamela Sardar 1988: 66)   Savitribai Phule emphasised that education is the key to self- reliance and further to the social reform. In her work, Kavyaphule, She went to the extent of calling the ignorant people as animals (Lalita Dhara 2012: 77).

 The three letters that Savitribai wrote to her husband Jotiba during a span of 20 years are a testimony of a boundless love of a wife for her husband on one hand, and a manifestation of her commitment to a wider cause of social reformation on the other. They also reveal a vision of Savitribai’s egalitarian society with full human dignity and freedom for all.

 OPENING OF ORPANAGE

 It was only after spreading education to the women that Savitribai took head on to other taboos of society which victimized women. Savitribai developed a framework of education that sought to revolutionize the society. Savitribai was not a typical docile woman who blindly followed her husband. She was a courageous woman who stood by her husband and supported all his radical initiatives when no other family member or relative assisted him. Savitribai’s first collection of poetry “Kavya Phule” echoed the agony, aspirations and feelings of the modern, liberated Indian Women. The Phules opined that the practice of unequal marriage and child marriage has led to abortion and infanticide. They condemned the double standards of the Hindu traditional patriarchy which, while disallowing widow remarriage, happily permitted remarriage for men. The Phules showed the courage to start an orphanage for such fallen women and their children in 1864.

 Savitribai looked unflaggingly after the children in the orphanage established by her and her husband as if she were their mother, although she had no natural child, and ye,t with her kind and generous disposition, she tenderly and lovingly cherished the infants. It was her practice to invite, from time to time, all children from the neighborhood to dinner. She was the happiest and smiled her sweetest when she was left among the children. Savitribai and Jotirao were moved by the plight of such widows and castigated the barbers for tonsuring their heads. They even organized a strike of barbers and persuaded them not to shave the heads of widows. One time, Jotirao stopped a pregnant lady from committing suicide, promising to give her child his name after it was born. Savitribai readily accepted the lady in her house and willingly assured to help her deliver the child. Savitribai and Jotirao adopted this child, who then grew up to become a doctor. This incident opened new horizons for the couple. Many women were driven to commit suicide by men who had exploited them to satisfy their lust and then deserted them. Therefore, Savitribai and Jyotirao put boards on streets about the "Delivery Home" for women on whom pregnancy had been forced. The delivery home was called "Balhatya Pratibandhak Griha”. Her life style was very simple, she used to wear sari blouse of khadi. Under the supervision of Phule, Savitribai founded ‘Mahila Seva Mandal’ which was first institution of its kind.

 In one of her letters to Jotiba, she came to the aid of a couple entering an inter caste marriage. Inter caste marriages were later cited by B. R. Ambedkar as an important tool to annihilate the caste. To support such marriages in the late nineteenth century required exemplary courage and commitment.

 Rosalind O’Hanlon opines that “Phule’s main point about the interconnected problems of the 19th century low caste majority Indian traditional religious disabilities thus lay at the root of the frustration and backwardness of the low castes. These interconnected problems required a radical solution: a revolution in the worldview of the lower caste individual. In stripping the priestly class of their religious authority, and the social hierarchies of Hinduism of their religious sanction, this would free the lower caste man or woman to understand for themselves, both the workings of the natural world, and the distribution of power and authority in their own society” (O’ Hanlon Rosalind 1985: 125-128).

 FEMALE SUBJECTIVITY, IDENTITY AND AGENCY

 Savitribai was one of the first Indian women in modern India whose works were published, and was able to develop her own voice and agency at a time when women of all classes were ruthlessly suppressed and lived a sub-human existence. Savitribai was a "Vidya Jyoti" for all those who want to do something in the field of education. Savitribai’s writings were an independent expression. Her writings demonstrate the influence of folk songs, bhakti, poetry and the shayari (ballad literature). Though she selected traditional forms, she consistently stuck to rationalism in all her writings.

Savitribai published two works; Kavya Phule in 1954 and Bavan Kashi Subodh Ratnakar in 1982 (Susie Tharu, and K. Lalitha 1991: 211-212). Her poetry, Kavya Phule, is a historical document of the time. While some of her poems are basically nature poems, in others she engages with issues like education, equality, slavery, caste system and patriarchy. In Bavan Kashi Subodh Ratnakar which is a biography of Phule, she narrates Phule’s devastating critique of the brahmanical interpretation of Marathi history.

 One of her poems described the new Indian man- one who looks after his family with care and responsibility, one who is always industrious and inquisitive, who quests for knowledge, who is a worshipper of freedom, who is caring, sacrificing and dedicated. She was also aware of the differences among women of different classes and castes, something with which the women’s movement of today is much concerned. Women of different castes had different roles in the domesticity and in the public. She refers to the fact that even though the shudra man and shudra woman work side by side, it is the woman who wakes up earlier and takes care of the family’s needs as well as agricultural duties. 

   Tarabai Shinde

 “...before Pandita Ramabai came to Pune, Tarabai Shinde of Buldana wrote a book called Stree Purush Tulana. In this book she gave excellent advice to men, for most of them behave as they will and sinfully in the presence of their women. Naturally their respectable women feel bad, but since they are powerless and ignorant they are infuriated and great storms of bad deeds arise in their imagination. She (Tarabai) therefore decided to advise the menfolk. Her advice is a little stern and pungent, and an adamant editor of a newspaper did not like it…” (Tatyasaheb’s conversation with Yashwant Jotirao Phule In Book Satsar, Published in 1885)

 Early Life

 Tarabai Shinde (1840-1910) was an inspirational women’s activist who was known for her fiery personality, outstanding self-confidence, and strong sense of independence. Her invigorating book is considered the first modern Indian feminist text where she passionately fights to help women gain privilege and end oppression. Shinde is widely known for her creative, fierce, and controversial book, “A Comparison of Men and Women,” where she critizes the patriarchal society in which she grew up where the differences between the two genders was atrocious. Tarabai Shinde received most of her experience through her work with Jotirao and Savitribai Phule who shared the same ideas of the oppression of gender and caste in Indian society. She was home-schooled by her father, Bapuji Hari Shinde, who taught her Marathi, Sanskrit, and English.  Shinde was recognized across the world for being the first feminist writer of nineteenth century India to write against men and the caste system; however, she did not receive any awards because of her controversial writing.

 Shinde wrote A Comparison Between Men and Women in response to the unfair treatment of women in nineteenth century Indian society. Vijayalakshmi, in Surat, was an upper-caste widow who was sentenced to death for having an abortion. After Vijayalakshmi's death, an article was published insulting women for their “new loose morals,” and portrayed Indian woman as detestable. Shinde wrote her book in response to this article to show Indian society that there are double-standards for men and women, and that women deserve equal rights. Shinde raised awareness on the double-standards of men and women in society. She also discussed the unfair treatment of the different castes in India. This allowed citizens to begin to question the standards they had set for women.

Shinde was an associate of the activists Jotirao and Savitribai Phule. She was a member of their Satyashodak Samaj (“Truth seekers society”) organization. She helped the Phules start a school for Untouchable girls in 1848. She also helped to start a shelter for upper-caste widows in 1854 when they were forbidden from remarrying.

 An Inspirational Change Agent

 The definition of a “change agent” is someone who brings about significant change, whether in terms of individual or communal status, social movement, or the course of history. Shinde fits these criteria perfectly because she composed a book where she voiced her thoughts on women’s rights, even though it was considered extremely controversial at the time. In Shinde’s book, “A Comparison of Men and Women,” she criticizes patriarchal society and the differences between the genders. Shinde was courageous enough to be the first feminist to critique the issues in society without fear of negative feedback.

Shinde started out simply as an associate of Jotirao and Savitribai Phule. The Phules were socio-spiritual activists that helped set up the first ever school for Untouchable girls. Untouchable girls were segregated from society and not allowed to participate in social life. They also created a shelter for upper-caste widows who were not allowed to remarry after their first husband died. The Phules shared an awareness of oppression in genders and the caste system with Shinde. This gave Shinde the start she needed to her fight for women’s rights in Indian society. However, Shinde did not focus simply on the oppression of Indian women; she believed that women everywhere were similarly oppressed.

If Shinde had to handle a social problem that we are dealing with today, such as the lack of rights for women in Afghanistan, she would first bring this problem to the attention of the public by writing about it. She would use her persuasive language and passionate writing to convince society that the issue at hand has a simple solution. She would describe a specific crime committed by an Afghani man and an Afghani woman and show the difference in their punishment. Just like she did in, “A Comparison of Men and Women,” Shinde would ask the reader why the woman is punished more severely, when the man walks away without any repercussions. In her book, Shinde talks about how woman were sentenced to death for having an abortion, when this problem would never have existed if it were not for the actions committed by both men and women. She is known for her strength in the face of adversity, her fierce independence, and her ability to challenge what was accepted by most women of her time. Tarabai Shinde believed that women had to walk the line between a good woman and a prostitute. This belief was greeted with a hostile reception causing publishing for her book to stop for almost one hundred years. Shinde’s actions and beliefs caused turmoil in her society. Indian men were in favor of their dominance in society and some Indian women did not want to cause problems in their everyday life. However, most women were in support of making the necessary beneficial changes to their society.

 By Her Own Hand

Some Extracts from her book “A Comparison of Men and Women”

 “Though every day we see new and more terrible examples of men’s violence, audacity, and cunning, yet no one pays any attention to these; instead people continue to heap the burden of all wrongs onto the women themselves.”

 “So is it true that only women’s bodies are home to all the different kinds of recklessness and vice? Or have men got just the same faults as we find in women?”

 “I’m just a poor woman without any real intelligence, who’s been kept locked up and confined…But every day now we have to look at some new and more horrible example of men who are really wicked, and their shameless lying tricks. And people go about pinning the blame on women all the time, as if everything bad was their fault. When I saw this, my whole mind began churning and shaking.. I lost all my fear, I just couldn’t stop myself writing about it in this very biting language.”

 About remarriages, she has written, “The system of keeping away remarriages has spread like leprosy in many races. It is unimaginable to think of the sorrow millions of women have suffered and will suffer after becoming widows and how terrible are and will be the consequences of it.”

 Writing about the pain and agony suffered by widows, Tarabai says, “Women, who collect the bundle of widowhood in the cloth of their saree, keep talking about good and bad qualities of their dead husbands and die bearing the ill treatment of the members of the family and society.” Because remarriages are forbidden, a large number of young widows are going astray and abort their unborn children, killing them. Lok-hitwadi, a well known scholar of the time, had sent a report to the government that in those days approximately about a thousand fetuses were removed only in Pune district. The fear Tarabai Shinde had expressed in her book was thus supported by Lok-hitwadi’s letter.

It is not only illogical but also unrealistic to forbid remarriages; so she asks, “Arre, have your ancestors brought in a certificate from God to state whether a wife should die before her husband or a husband should die before his wife? Living and dying is only in the hands of the all powerful Almighty.” In this connection, she asks, “Why should women forever live in a dark room after losing their husband like a criminal worse than murderer all their life? Why should they be under the pressure of guilt they have not committed?” She has presented many points in her book in support of argument how a woman’s life has become meaningless in the male dominated system of patriarchy. The time has now come to change all this. She demanded in the book that the British government should pass a law allowing widows to remarry.

 Being a woman, she wrote the book out of her genuine concern for all women. The books is a proof of how Tarabai was a versatile woman having balanced thought and rational attitude towards life. She has quoted many references from scriptures and ancient books to put forward truth. This proves how her reading was vast and balanced. She had also read stories and novels of the times keeping her eyes open. She vehemently attacked the portrayal of women suffering from the weakness of sexual desire written from the point of view of male psychology in novels like Muktamala, Manjughosha, Manorama, and Vidagdha Shreecharitra. She clearly stated that the descriptions in those novels were imaginary, fanciful, unrealistic and downright defamatory for women.

 Although her criticism in the book A Comparison of Men and Women (Stree-Purush Tulanaa) is expressed in candid and attacking words, she has never propagated total freedom for women or uncontrolled man-woman equality. She is not partial in blaming men for all problems either. The style of the book is smooth and felicitous. The writing has become effective because of the imagery used from the sphere of her life experience and the use of proverbs and sayings often used in the speech of womenfolk of the times. It is unbelievable to accept why Tarabai Shinde, who is considered the first feminist woman writer in Marathi owing to her book Stree – Purush Tulanaa, did not write anything else in later life.

 CONCLUSION

 We may conclude that as early as the mid 19th century, Savitribai and Tarabai, through their works and thoughts, sought to bring about a complete change in all spheres of women’s lives. Savitribai was also the first woman in India to enter into the male bastion and light her husband's pyre. Her choice to light her husband’s funeral pyre, which would still be considered audacious, must have sent shock waves across the land at that point in time.  This act portrays her subjectivity and tells us that she was not a conventional Indian Pativrata (devoted wife) following in her husband’s footsteps. She became a breadwinner after her husband’s death and took the leading role in running Satyashodhak Samaj. Her compassion was seen during the draught of 1896.

 Savitribai and Tarabai were revolutionary leaders in their own right. Despite tremendous odds, They rose to become productive, inspiring and capable teachers, leaders, thinkers and writers.  Their life shows that the strongest dent against the patriarchal system has to come by a woman herself. Savitribai Phule and Tarabai Shinde were perhaps the greatest female leader of colonial India who thrashed upon the age old patriarchal system by linking caste to patriarchy.

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