#VAE Ray

[marshmallowprotection]

Thinking about comforting VAE Saeran with cuddles after he wakes up from a nightmare so horrible it pulled Ray out of the front and left him horrified in panic too (could be maid AU or could not be but you know me)

It felt like there was a weight on his chest.

An impossible weight that wouldn't go away no matter how much he tried to claw at his skin. Like a pillar, a support beam, concrete that'd nearly been the death of them but also had been the reason why they hadn't died. Neither Ray nor Saeran died that night even though that was what they set out to do when they pressed the button. They lived through that night, and the days following it, clinging to the idea that something would put them out of their memory.

Nothing ever did, though. Rather, in the heat of dust and ash, a man extended his hand and dug them out of the dirt to ensure they lived. They had been upset at him, bitter and angry that he would come to save them after they'd already been destroyed beyond repair, but he promised a better life if they gave him a chance.

They took that chance, but they didn't know taking it wouldn't change the pain that came from living after a nightmare. That nightmare was their reality every time they closed their eyes! It wouldn't go away, it wouldn't stop, and it wouldn't let them get restful sleep.

Burn, burn, burn, that nightmare growled. You're on fire!

These memories jolted Ray awake every night until he threw himself out of bed. Normally, that would pull them out of the flashback, but for some reason, this time was different. This time was worse. Saeran felt every last inch of the flames stroke his sensitive skin like a gust of pollen chasing after someone with an allergy. Angry hives tingled and hissed whenever something touched his skin.

His clothes, the air, the blanket, the bed, the dirt, the hardwood floor, the melted PC and all its parts creeping across the—

It felt like he was there again.

The scars from that night hadn't disappeared. They burrowed deeper and deeper inside of his chest until he could no longer distinguish his reality from fiction. Night time was the worst because Ray could feel the smoke begin to creep up his throat and singe his skin, screaming until he could no longer remember the sound of his voice, and when he could no longer withstand the memory that danced between past and present?

Saeran stepped in to spare him the pain. But, there was no one who could do the same for him. He was a protector, he was supposed to be strong, and here he was, gasping for air as he wondered if he was trapped in a burning building or in a bedroom with someone who had nothing but love in their heart for both him and Ray.

It felt like he was going to die.

Wilting away just like a dying flower in an abandoned garden with no gardener left to save him.

I don't want to die! Saeran's mind pleaded with itself. I don't want Ray to die, either! I don't want us to die! Don't leave us here to die! I need to survive so I can make him happy! I need—

"Saeran," a voice whispered his name. He couldn't tell where it came from, but he couldn't bring himself to open his eyes and see the blue sky taunting him. It taunted him for hours as he wondered if that God they once heard about would stop mocking them with a Hell that felt personally catered to them. A sky they could never touch as they lay in agonizing pain.

Make it stop... make it stop...!

"Saeran, can you hear me?"

Something touched his shoulder and he yanked his body away from the source. He winced at the static that came with it, but it was just enough to make him open his eyes. As his eyes adjusted to the dark room, he realized he wasn't sitting in a pile of rubble, but he wasn't in the bedroom, either.

I'm not... lying in the dirt?

He was in a living room. His back was propped up against a couch and the faint smell of ash still choked his lungs as he sucked in a hot breath. He noticed a fireplace in the corner of the room, and a giant patch of water spread across the floor as if someone doused the fire not long ago. His heart continued to surge against his ribs even as his eyes settled on a vision of someone who normally brought him peace and security.

Your concerned eyes were on him but you had placed your hands in your lap where he could see them and know that they wouldn't try to touch him again.

Not Mint Eye.

Somewhere else.

Where?

"Where...?"

"Saeyoung's cabin," you answered, slowly and clearly so as not to make him feel any more confused. "He offered to let us stay here for the weekend so you could enjoy the fresh snow."

"No, I'm... I'm not... I'm supposed to be..." he trailed. He was supposed to be in the rubble of Mint Eye where nobody could ever find him. He wasn't free from that place. They were meant to die there. That was a fact he felt to be certain when he woke up. But, if he was there, there wouldn't be a chance in hell you would be there.

He hadn't met you until after the explosion. He wouldn't go anywhere his brother frequented unless he had forgiven him... unless there had been a change in his world that made him see different from what his liar of a Savior told him. He couldn't be in that wretched building, nor could Ray... not as long as he sat in this room with you.

How could his body betray him when he was the one who always brought Ray out of the memory?

How could his mind betray him and leave him in a blurry haze where nothing felt right?

How could he not be strong enough?

"I'm scared," he eventually admitted.

Your gentle eyes didn't leave his. "What can I do for you, honey pie? It doesn't matter what it is, even if you can only think of one word to ask for it. I'm here for you."

What did he want?

"Hold me," he whispered. The agonizing itch was still there but the thought of your touch didn't sound repulsive. It sounded better than the alternative. He didn't want the pressure of the pillar to eat him alive. If he had to be crushed, he wanted it to be in your arms instead. "I need you to hold me."

So, with open arms, you pulled him against your chest and he buried his face against your chest in the hopes of finding a firm heartbeat to confirm this wasn't a dream. It couldn't be a dream if you felt warm. A dream would never let him know someone's warmth when all he ever felt was the flames. Flames were nothing compared to a tender touch born of love.

Thump, thump, thump...

It felt alive in ways he didn't.

Neither he nor Ray had told you what happened to them in detail, but there would come a day when they would have to do it.

"I've got you," you said. "I don't know what frightened you so much... but I promise I'll hold you as long as you want me to. You don't have to be afraid alone... neither of you have to be. Not Ray, and not you, Saeran."

At least, he had the peace of mind of knowing you would love them all the same.

[natasha-in-space]

VAE Ray is on my mind today. Like if we take the classic 'V route but in love with Ray' road, you cannot tell me that that boy did not think of you almost every single day during the two years he has spent away on his painful recovery. There is so much left unsaid between the two of you: so much guilt, so much hurt and so many regrets plaguing his head every time he sees something that reminds him of you. And, God, does that include a lot of things.

He goes outside and one look at the clouds brings back a memory of those short but meaningful talks he shared with you about the most simple of things. He remains indoors, and after taking a sip of the herbal tea that Jihyun made for him, he is immediately transported back to a peaceful tea party he set up for you. He stares at his hands, and he can't help but think back on how heavenly your touch felt against them. And how much he regrets wearing those pesky gloves at the time, never giving him the chance to feel your skin on his.

You're like a ghost that watches over his every step. It's often painful. Like a constant reminder of all that could have been if he didn't ruin every chance at his happiness with you. Sometimes it gets a little too hard on him, and Saeran takes over. But sometimes it's comforting. Like a warm hug, keeping him secure when all else falls apart.

He refuses to let you go.

So when he does meet you again, it's like a fragile fantasy that is far too idealistic for it to be true. Ray had no expectation that his brother would remember him. No matter what Jihyun has told him over those two years, he couldn't bring himself to believe that Saeyoung truly wanted him in his life to be the burden that he truly is. So when he gets crushed into a tight, desperate hug that is a bit too painful for his scarred body, his twin's whole body shaking, wracked with sobs Ray's ears can't quite register fully due to how unbelievable it all is... He's almost in a trance-like stare. Hearing Saeyoung's voice telling him to never leave again as he holds him so tight, it's like he's afraid he'll disappear into thin air once he lets go...

None of it was what Ray or Saeran had expected.

And then there's you. Your reunion with Ray will definitely be an emotional event for both of you. Ray was sure that, at best, you had forgotten all about him and lived on a happy and safe life. A life that you deserve. And at worst, that you hated him, and cursed him for hurting you the way that he did.

But instead, you are so unbelievably happy to see him. So happy that you are crying for him. Much like Saeyoung is.

The two people he had the worst fear of facing again were accepting of him and shedding tears for him in a way he had never even imagined.

So he also breaks down. And the three of you probably spend a lot of time crying into each other's arms as two years of grief, heartbreak, and recovery wash over you all at once.

After that, things don't immediately turn perfect. There are still many things that need to be said. You and Ray will have many conversations with each other, taking breaks to process it all piece and piece and not overwhelm one another. About what happened those two years ago. About what happened after that. About your feelings for each other. And about Saeran, too.

It's a process that takes time. But the fact that you're willing and even wanting to go through that process with him is enough to cause Ray to shed tears more than he could count.

The beginning is small, very small. Brief brushing of his fingers against yours while you are sitting together in the shade of a large tree in Saeyoung's backyard. The lightest of touches you give to his scars after he allows it. A hand resting on his shoulder gently as he talks about something heavy to let him know you're there for him.

Every touch leaves his entire body shaking, his breath stuttering in his throat, forcing him to let out the faintest of gasps. The first time it happened, he got very ashamed and apologized profusely to you, as he thought he acted like a complete creep and made you uncomfortable. Ray knows he's touch-starved, and that he's touch-starved for your touch specifically. But he doesn't think it's something worth dealing with, not wanting to be a bother to anyone. Not any more than he already is. A thought process that he will need to work on one step at a time.

You let him know that it's okay, though. That you don't mind. That it's your own desire to touch him.

After that, you begin to take his hands into yours. The first time it occurs, your hand jist clasps around his lightly. Then you interlock your fingers together, once he's okay with that. And then he feels safe enough to do that to you, too.

Holding hands with you is something Ray loves with all his heart. No gloves are getting in the way now. He can feel your skin directly on his with no barriers. It's a wordless 'I got you' that he finds himself getting more and more greedy for, the longer you indulge his cravings for human warmth.

His scars are not bothersome to you. If he doesn't want to, you don't force him to talk about them. And you're always quick to let him know how beautiful he is to you whenever he feels insecure about them. Even if he has a hard time believing that.

You're far too good for him, is what Ray finds himself thinking time and time again. But at some point, he comes to the realization that he is too selfish to let you go again. And then Saeran joins in on that line of thinking after his own long journey with you. So he doesn't let you go again.

And that's when everything changes.

Ray can be clingy with you if you let him. He desires to hold your hand inside the house, regardless of whether it's just a walk to the balcony or kitchen. He will rest against you whenever you are resting, reading a book, or indulging in your hobby. You don't need to talk to each other. He just silently sinks against you and sighs softly, letting your presence wash away all other thoughts floating in his mind. While asleep, he clings to you, almost as if his subconsciousness is terrified of you disappearing again. He fiddles with your clothes, with your fingers, or with your hair whenever you are talking to someone, and he's there with you. It calms him. Keeps him steady.

There is an undeniable bittersweetness to Ray's clinginess. GE Saeran's touchiness stems from his heart's pure affection towards you, but VAE Ray neecs to constantly remind himself that you're there. That he can touch you. That you are not going anywhere. And that you have no hatred towards him.

But it can also be sweet. Like whenever you help him take care of his burns, or you ease him into a warm, soothing bath you've prepared just for him. Ray may be anxious. But you are always eager to show him how much you genuinely care for him. How much you enjoy touching him in the way he has always wanted to be touched by you. To allow him to unwind with you. Close his eyes and let you take care of him with no judgement.

Your relationship with VAE Ray described in one word would be: peace. It's peace after the long, heavy storm you had to endure to get to this point. And it's peace that you will cherish for as long as life allows you.

[luxielle]

Saeran x Lumen ✧･ﾟ

VAE dream girl magic ✨

[dailysaeran]

My entry for #SaeranMochiWeddingDTIYS on IG by 4.seasons.of.mine! 💖

I could not for the life of me decide which Saeran to draw so naturally I drew 3 versions with GE, SE and VAE 😭 Can you spot the subtle differences between them, even in their expressions? 👀

I chose pink and hot pink peonies because they're a popular wedding flower and symbolize good luck, prosperity, deep appreciation and passion, and carnations (that I now realise are way too big but it's fine, they can bloom extra for a special day this time) for love and devotion! And some roses naturally, and of course lilies of the valley everywhere because it's him, can't be a Saeran wedding piece without lilies of the valley symbolizing return of happiness :3

[password-door-lock]

My job has been putting me through hell lately, so I’ve been thinking a lot about how Saeran might comfort you after you’ve had a rough day at work.

There are two possible universes where you’d be around Ray and still be working. The first option is the prologue bad end timeline where you’re his assistant. In that case, if you start to get tired or frustrated with your workload, Ray will probably just take over for you and do the work himself. He doesn’t like to see you struggling, and he’s already accustomed to finishing his tasks without any help. He’ll make sure you have something good to eat and somewhere comfortable to rest while he takes care of everything. The other option is after V’s AE, in which case Ray would be a little bit unsure of how to comfort you after a long day. He’s worried about hurting you: he doesn’t want to be too overbearing, but he also doesn’t want to make you feel isolated by giving you too much distance. He’ll probably end up directly asking you what he can do to help you unwind, and then he’ll follow through with it as best he can. He wants to learn as much as he can about what makes you feel better. Please don’t hesitate to ask him for what you want! 

Similar to Ray, Suit would wind up in this situation in one of two ways. If you’re his assistant and you complain about the work, he’ll be quick to just send you away. Unlike Ray, he’s not a patient person, and he has no interest in taking the time to teach you something he could do twice as quickly on his own. Suit wouldn’t go out of his way to coddle you, but he probably wouldn’t stop you if you went to get a snack or something— after all, he’s not playing with you right now, so he doesn’t care where you are or what you’re doing. He has twice as much important work to do now, so you should stay out of his way and let him get it done. VAE Suit, on the other hand, might be at a loss for how to comfort you. He may assume that you’d rather be with Ray when you’ve had a bad day. But actually, Saeran is a great person to vent to. He likes seeing you get animated, and he's comfortable enough with you to offer his own snide remarks, as well. He’ll have a pretty good time listening to you complaining about your coworkers, especially if there’s a trip to the ice cream shop involved. You’ll both be cheered up by the experience, although you probably shouldn’t expect him to get all mushy about it.

GE Saeran is much more self assured in how he comforts you. He’ll make sure that there’s a nice bath waiting for you when you come home. Either he’d join you and order takeout after or he’d cook some dinner for you while you enjoy a nice, relaxing soak on your own. He won’t let you do any dishes or other chores around the house until you’ve had at least a little rest, and even then, he’ll be extra attentive to your needs. In the morning, he’ll get up early and make sure that you get a good breakfast before work. Saeran knows you very well by now, so he’s familiar with your favorite things— expect a few of them to come your way in the near future, especially if your troubles at work are prolonged. He’s here for you if you want to vent— Saeran is a very attentive listener— but if you just want to take your mind off things, he can handle that, too. If the extra attention ever makes you feel guilty for taking more than you give, he’ll be quick to remind you that you’ve done the same for him countless times, and right now it’s his turn to look after you. 

If you’re Unknown’s assistant, then he is your stressful day at work. He’s not going to comfort you and he’s not going to pick up your slack like Ray or Suit— he knows what you’re capable of and if he gives you an assignment to complete, then he expects you to complete it. If you’ve caught him in a particularly good mood, you might get a few patronizing words, a pat on the head, and a direct order to finish your work, now, prince(ss). If he’s having a bad day, Unknown might not even dignify your complaints with a response. You already know what his expectations are, after all. However, if you’re not his assistant yet, you might be able to get Unknown’s attention by texting him some RFA secrets or other quality information. In exchange, he’ll let you call him and complain about your job for a bit, and then he’ll coo at you and promise to save you before abruptly hanging up. The conversation will be a nice break for both of you, but eventually, you’ll both have to return to your respective work. 

SE Saeran has no idea how to help you when you complain about your job. He feels like it’s weird of you to come to him when you have the whole RFA at your disposal, but he won’t say anything about it. He’s glad that he can be someone you trust, even if he doesn’t understand why. Saeran will sit with you for as long as you need while you vent about your work if that’s what you’d like— but he won’t judge you if you just want to quietly relax for a while. He’ll put on some music or a nature documentary and the two of you can rest together for as long as you need. His method of giving comfort is very subtle, but that’s nice after a hectic day. He’s somebody you can take your mask off around, and he knows what it feels like to be overworked. He might be a little bit blunt about telling you what he thinks about the way your colleagues and clients/customers treat you, but he won’t press too much: after all, he knows that it’s not always easy or possible to immediately leave a difficult situation.

[haine-kleine]

ngl replaying Another Story after 283639 years is making me regret they focused on romance so hard? V feels ooc in both routes but RAE's cartoonishly evil V originating from the same common route that hasubando VAE V did makes it borderline comical.

and as a Saeran stan since the beginning this is almost a surreal experience because?? they clearly realized just how unhealthy his fixation on mc was and??? went with it anyway???

any attempt to make him take care of himself instead of obsessing over mc is met with rebuttal and trying to establish even reasonably healthy (compared to other routes' rejection options) boundaries sends this bpd bitch into a textbook rejection dysphoria.

what's really buggering me is that his route proceeds to successfully establish both Rika = Saeran/Saeyoung = V and the twins' mother = Saeran/Prime Minister = Saeyoung parallels. this makes it very easy to draw comparison between Rika's early relationship with V and Ray's budding romance with mc where both kept lovebombing their romantic interest before switching to their 'dark' personality that will manipulate and harass said partner. V going bonkers in RAE makes this equation positively insane which perhaps is evenly reflected in Ray's route requiring insane mental gymnastics of the player to get to the good ending (at least compared to mysmes' usual 'say i love you/spit on him and call him a little bitch' options).

like... realistically? at least speaking on mysme's otome game world's scope of realism, Saeran and mc's relationship would inevitably turn toxic. bc of his mom and Rika's brainwashing the concept of self worth is entirely foreign which pretty much makes therapy mandatory before it's possible for him to enter a healthy relationship. because mc is the first foreign person to get to know him and express interest in staying by his side he starts basing his entire sense of worth off the status of their relationship but his history with Saeyoung and V and Rika's influence turn this into a tightrope walking experience for mc. on the one hand, preferring Ray's gentle behaviour to Saeran's literal abuse inevitably leads to a bad ending but on the other hand the concept of accepting his 'inner darkness' or however else they decided to put untreated mental illness and years of CPTSD is on the same plane of existence that V/Rika's 'going blind and becoming suicidal as expression of eternal devotion and 'love'' toxic relationship is.

I'm aware what an otome game is and what soap opera/wife=therapist mysme specific brand of otome is, but my point is about Saeran's route being different from all the other ones.

the main routes were an introductory experience to the game and the characters, so the point of each route was exploring each of the characters fully and in practice allowed the player to help the characters resolve their specific issue by supporting and loving them. you won't really get Zen, Yoosung or Jaehee's flashbacks outside of their routes.

Jumin and Saeyoung are very different, and Jumin's route formula leans closer to the main ones with the bonus of giving V a happier ending which is exclusive among the initial 5 routes.

Saeyoung is like a neon sign, drawing your attention with his enigmatic presence the entire time, and his own route truly feels like the fullest experience of the story. he is designed to be intriguing, with the red herrings thrown around in every other route and 707 himself spending a good chunk of his own route fighting off mc's involvement in his life. what I'm saying is his route is designed less like a romance novel boyfriend and more like a mystery detective. the 707 romance experience is very close to being better outside of his own route, theorizing about the error 707 reset and him holding romantic feelings for mc in every single route. while the skeleton of the route structure remains the same, the experience itself falls short. you don't really get to steadily develop your relationship with him, have him express his doubts and insecurities as you reassure him and help him become a better person thanks to finally having unconditional support on his side. Saeyoung himself literally gets in the way of this formula and fights you with every step you have to forcibly take to get to know him better. and why is that?

because of Saeran, of course. literally everything he does is motivated by his belief in Saeran's safety being the exchange for his sacrifices. Jaehee, Zen and Yoosung don't really have a person whose presence in their lives motivates them so strongly, and mc walking into their lives gives them this exact motivation that drives them to finally unfuck their lives and learn to love themselves. Jumin is different from them because of V, who is his healthiest relationship as his childhood friend, and Elizabeth the third whom he wildly overcompensates V's withdrawal from his life with. as a result he has a much healthier recognition of his needs than everyone in RFA and because of this his route orchestrates very specific circumstances that put Jumin on the brink of psychotic breakdown, which might make the beginning of his relationship with mc appear as something unhealthy but once the time specific stress factors are gone he is able to enter a healthy purely romantic relationship with her without the need for mc to play his life coach and personal therapist.

what Jumin and the common route trio have in common is mc filling in the void in their lives. for Saeyoung this void has already been filled by Saeran. even after breaking through his aggressive tsundere period Saeyoung's personal brand of boyfriend is very strongly influenced by the dynamic he had with Saeran in childhood: he is a control freak, decisive, protective, the responsible one. the other half of this is clearly depicted in Ray's route: he is submissive, meek, fragile, the one who demands attention and care. okay maybe i find twisted humour in the fact that romancing either twin requires copying the attitude of his brother, did cheritz think about the flavour of brocon they were cooking with this.

this brings me to Another story and on this scope of comparison V has the benefit of his past being largely unknown outside of his relationship with Rika. even if you don't personally enjoy V, there's something you can get exclusively from his route: more details on his toxic past relationship, his backstory, a happier narrative conclusion to his friendship with Jumin.

this unfortunately puts Saeran into a losing position because he had already gotten a dlc dedicated fully to his backstory and recovery in secret endings. the route formula established above that consists of character backstory+romance+overcoming personal issues via unconditional support can't work for Saeran because it wasn't meant to work for Saeyoung. Saeyoung's route was intended as the 'true' route that uncovers all the mystery plots presented in main story. Saeran's primary role throughout the process of main route's conception was to serve as a mystery, unknown, the intriguing character baiting the players to buy deep route and be inevitably led to 707's one.

considering the many times Saeran killed himself, his brother or someone else throughout all the original release's endings they took the reasonable step to give him his own hopeful ending in the dlc containing all the details of the twins' childhood. mc is barely present throughout the secret endings because neither of the twins can dedicate himself to a healthy relationship without healing their own relationship first. it's extremely conditional and more defining for their perception of self than anything else. Saeyoung is a giver and a protector, this makes him into a control freak that later views personal distance as a safety measure without realizing how imbalanced this makes his friendship with RFA.

putting this exchange as the best example of this because it's preceded by 707 giving Yoosung an extremely long lecture on 'life is pain and suffering, pursuing your dreams is a hopeless waste of time, the point of existence is making money in the least miserable way you can negotiate with yourself' and pointing out the discrepancies in his preaching and procrastination habits makes him literally run away. he is absolutely not used to having his point of view challenged, this guy is allergic to it. because he had to cobble his belief system in the middle of the hellscape their childhood was and because the healthiest authority/father figure in his life was Jihyun 'i know better than everyone else and i am taking these secrets to my grave in the most dramatic and least productive way possible' Kim, it's easy to see how his self image grew attached to his percieved sense of responsibility (authority) over his close ones. but the fact he wasn't able to save Saeran and their separation puts an error into his belief system that spirals into this guy changing his name to 'Satan'.

Saeran on the other hand has a chronic attention whore syndrome. in Another Story this causes a lot of martyr behaviour from him: when Rika makes him work like a dog after V's detection he keeps coming to mc for validation. this point isn't meant to disregard the objectively horrific circumstances he is forced into, but the only other mysme chara who keeps complaining about their circumstances is Jaehee, who starts doing it more once she notices mc acknowledges her abusive work conditions. both Saeran and Jaehee are orphans with no support system and both of them throw themselves on the first person who shows them positive attention. but while Jaehee is notoriously cautious in her interpersonal relationships, Saeran depends with a reckless abandon. mc's rejection leads to him blowing himself up in V's route, this isn't meant to be healthy!

what is very important to understand about Saeran is the fact that he isn't actually Ray. despite all the traits that can be attributed to his Ray persona fitting every Saeyoung's description of little Saeran, the game itself makes a point about Ray being a false image, or rather a construct.

what little kid Saeran and Ray have in common is that both were identity constructs created by Saeran for the purpose of getting positive attention from his favourite person: Saeyoung and Rika. the concept of Ray really stresses just how conditional love is in Saeran's understanding. misery is a required step for acceptance. his mother's abuse was always followed by Saeyoung taking care of him, nursing his wounds and promising a better future. when Rika did what Saeyoung couldn't (or wouldn't, in Saeran's POV) do and freed him she had also implanted her very flawed conceptions about love which several years later turned Saeran into pretty much her personal slave. Rika was vulnerable the way Saeyoung wouldn't be with Saeran. Rika would have her highs and lows: going from mania to depression, demanding obedience and respect and then support and acceptance. being in relationship with Rika broke V, who was at least nearly an adult. of course, taking Saeran from inhumanely abusive environment straight under her wings was a disaster waiting to happen. Ray is pretty much a custom made identity designed by her to satisfy her needs: he is extremely submissive and can't function without validation.

the facet of Saeran that exists beyond both Saeyoung and Rika's scopes of acceptance or understanding is the Saeran that was left alone with his mother.

in this flashback we learn that the woman made a habit of projecting on him and comparing the older twin to their father. Saeyoung and Mr Choi were stronger, more capable and resourceful than herself and Saeran. the younger twin became an outlet for her frustration and true to the narrative thread of this game, internalized the unhealthy beliefs of his caretaker.

lo and behold, Unknown/Suit Saeran/Dark Saeran/Yandere Ultimate

I won't go into details how this guy uses mc (Ray route), mc and RFA (main+deep story) or Saeyoung (secret endings) as his emotional outlets, what i want to focus on is his importance in his own route.

scrapping him would have been easy: Ray for all intents and purposes shares all the requirement characteristics for the role of Saeran-as-love-interest, down to persisting hatred of Saeyoung. Ray is much easier to write in this role than the edgy counterpart: one provides textbook romance and the other literally tortures you, physically and psychologically. evil!Saeran's entire persona begs to invite himself to all the bad endings, so what is he even doing in the middle of unskippable part of the route?

i think this can be interpreted as Cheritz pretty much acknowledging the impossibility of the task they've set themselves with. you can't really heal Saeran by romancing him and healing him is not as easy as bringing him back the brother he was separated against his will from many years ago. the analogy with Rika and V is inevitable, so there's no avoiding the label of toxic relationship even if you change his name and give him a whole new identity.

Saeran's road of healing always without failure leads to Saeyoung. and in my opinion the absence of the brothers' actual relationship really takes away from Saeran's route. Saeyoung's route only dangles the possibility of reunion because at that point we barely knew who the fuck Saeran actually was, and RGE actually downgrades this by fully taking Saeyoung out of the picture.

which leads to RAE being a highly questionable experience, even as a big Choi twins enjoyer. Saeyoung's role in it is exclusively angst porn. we already knew how desperate he can get when it comes to protecting his twin, the grand sacrifices and the pain of their consequences is already perfectly conveyed by his guilt trips that prevent him from genuinity with RFA, all for the sake of Saeran-ah. like, it doesn't get any bigger than actively and without stop sacrificing your authentic identity???

and the twins' mutually sacrificing themselves for each other's sake rather than turning up the drama to it's peak feels like this meme

is it nice to have Saeran actively protect Saeyoung? sure is. but his overall extreme passivity and victimhood in this route are too over the top. the end checkpoint of each individual route including Saeyoung's was teaching the character their self worth and watching Saesae throw himself at every inconvenience feels like we did a fairly bad job at this. (this is not realistically healthy but) using the trend that Ray's route established of his feelings for mc overpowering his harmful beliefs and self harming habits and making him actually take care of himself, this downright reads like a failure on our part? i dunno, watching an actively suicidal character who had tried to kill himself in front of us in two of the good endings already, after the point of his own good ending leaves a bad taste in my mouth.

all for the sake of what? Rika abandoning her cult and seeking validation in express makeshift family? Prime Minister's character arc?????

after analyzing this critically, i really feel like Saeran's route would have benefited a lot from putting the focus of his character on RFA rather than focusing RFA on the outer drama. the message of found family being as important as blood family and in some cases even more has already been conveyed so beautifully in Jaehee, Zen and Jumin's routes, it would have put this message full circle if they used it on the one romanceable character outside of RFA. what makes this especially upsetting to me is that Zen and Saeran's platonic relationship is almost designed to be perfect:

- Zen is estranged from his blood family by choice from a very young age, making it easier for him to validate Saeran's feelings on topic of family

- throughout the routes Zen is pretty much the only character who is consistently willing to discuss the emotional problem the others are going through. pretty much every other character is too busy drowning themselves in escapism while Zen gently nudges them towards bringing up the issue they are running from (with the exception of Jumin because he triggers traumatic memories about his brother's abandonment and you know who else was abandoned by their elder brother?!). what is Zen's own issue? he constantly requires attention and validation. you know who else does?..

- despite Zen sharing Saeran's attention whore medal, he is outwardly unambiguously supportive of the other RFA members. 707 even dubs him a nag because of how aggressive he can come off in his desire to emotionally support RFA.

- Saeran is a very impressionable person. both of the twins consider their only worthy attribute their hacking skills, and because of how sheltered Saeran's whole life he has very little personal life experience. as an example, in that short window of time after being rescued from his mother and before Rika snatched him to her cult he was taking care of the church's garden and that was enough for him to develop a lifelong obsession with flowers. considering how genuinely talented Zen is, i think it would take Saeran no time to be deeply impressed by his passion and his performances. i can see Zen becoming a similar symbol of freedom and tenacity to Saeran that he did to Jaehee.

[idiotmf]

I like the idea of a shy deer centaur (theyre actually called cervitaur) trying to work up the courage to confess his love for the reader

Hey, anon! Thank you so much for giving me the correct term, first of all. I was trying to find out whether there was a name for it, and my erratic Google searches didn't exactly help.

Second of all, sorry this took a few days. Work has been frying me so much (���•́︿•̀｡)

No NSFW. However, the usual MDNI does still apply because my blog is 18+.

Melian, the white-tailed cervitaur:

(By the way, the word Vae is meant to be pronounced Vá-é; just a heads-up, it will come up a few times.)

 A small ray of sunshine peeked through the window of your weathered cottage in the vast expanse of cedar trees that you called home. The birdfolk once again announced sunrise with a song that you didn't exactly understand, but the longing and nostalgia in it seemed evident, even to a human like yourself.

Refreshed, you sat up in your makeshift bed of straw and hides, pushing your blanket aside to stand up and stretch. Distant rumbling let you know that you should perhaps be a bit quicker with your morning routine today, at least before the storm approached. It was a shame, really.

You had promised Melian that today was finally going to be the day you showed him your favorite spot by the waterfall. The cervitaur was a somewhat new addition to your friend circle, since the deerfolk were usually rather reserved in nature, especially towards things they did not understand, and as a human, you certainly counted as such.

Whether it was by accident or on purpose, one day you ended up in this forest cottage, and however hard you tried to leave these woodlands, it was seemingly impossible. One time you even tried to walk for a whole day, only to end up at the very same overgrown cabin, deciding that it would be your permanent residence, at least for the time being.

As time went on and you befriended the strangely familiar yet completely inhuman creatures of this world, your desire to leave gradually subsided. The birdfolk sang songs at you whenever you passed; the wolf-like creatures occasionally passed by your home to bring you meat and hides; the woodland fairies left you generous offerings of herbs and vegetables. Everyone seemed equally as fascinated by you as you were by them. They even admitted they had never seen a human before and believed you to be a deity sent to protect the forest they inhabited.

Initially, you tried to tell them that you were just a human, not able to protect their home from harm; however, your words fell on deaf ears. One of the tiny woodland fairies, beings made from the elements themselves, resembling more a creation of sticks and leaves than the human-like fairies you had seen in books as a child, explained that it was actually more of a spiritual protection than a physical one. While that both helped and raised more questions, in the end you decided to accept it. After all, what were you going to do about it? No one wanted to believe you were anything but a deity, and the offerings didn't stop either; rather, they increased, and you were dubbed "the humble one."

While everyone worshipped you in their own way, some were too afraid to even cross your path. Among them were the deerfolk, a race of cervitaurs, though their entire bodies were covered in fur, despite the surprisingly human-like anatomy of the upper torso and face. They left generous offerings of their shed antlers in spring, sometimes carved into charms and other knickknacks for you, all while doing their best to avoid your sight.

That was until you met Melian, the deerfolk in charge of delivering the offering last spring, only to end up being discovered by you. From him, you learned that it was a great honor to deliver said offerings, and he had worked hard to even be considered for such a position.

Melian was a bit of an oddity amongst his kin; despite being shy, just like the rest of his kind, he was quite curious, especially in regards to you. Much like all the other creatures of this forest, Melian simply, yet affectionately referred to you as 'Vae', something you had come to accept as your new name, or at least a second one.

In reality, it was more referring to your standing as the protector of this realm, a word that held significance in the ancient language of the forest dwellers; however, being held in such high regard meant that most of them didn't dare utter your name, no matter how many times you insisted.

When you finally managed to meet up with your newest friend after the storm passed, he kept his distance from you, just like he always did, trotting at least a few feet behind you.

He explained it was to make sure you were safe and to respect your standing, but you theorized that he was actually just worried that he would walk too fast next to you or that he was perhaps a little too embarrassed, since no other being had an issue with it.

“It's a bit of a walk from the cottage,” you explained to Melian as you strolled along the path between dense cedar trees, all the way down to a mossy clearing by the waterfall. Along the way, a comfortable silence settled between the two of you; the only thing you heard were the songs of the birdfolk, the gentle rustling of the trees above, and the gentle thumping of Melian's cloven hooves against the earth below. Now and then, you found yourself turning around to glance at your friend, which seemed awfully odd today. His arms, which usually hung loosely by his sides as he walked, now seemed restless, as if he didn't know where to position them anymore. It made you wonder whether it was because of his anxious nature or if something was keeping his mind occupied.

“My Vae,” the stag spoke up after another moment of silence, causing you to jolt and turn towards your large companion trotting behind you, an inquisitive look on your face. He quickly averted his cedar bark-colored eyes upon meeting yours for a moment.

“I, uhm,” he quickly adjusted his gentle, almost timid voice to sound a bit more confident, reverting back to his shy speech halfway through. “I am quite thankful for this opportunity. To, uhm, to see your favorite spot, I mean.” He lowered his gaze to meet your eyes again, his glance lingering a moment before quickly focusing on a tree next to you, barely moving his head while doing so.

“Of course, I promised, didn't I?” Flashing him a genuine smile, you continued to saunter the last stretch of your small journey, leaving him to process for a moment. Shortly after, he caught up, his hooves carrying him with ease, as he took his place behind you once more, just a few feet apart.

Upon finally reaching your destination in what you assumed to be the late afternoon according to the sun, you settled down by the shore of the lake, the waterfall in the distance making the air feel more alive with rogue droplets of water and the loud crashing noise.

“There... There is something I want to tell you.” Hearing Melian's uncharacteristically loud voice be audible over the waterfall ripped you out of your thoughts for a moment, your head tilting to the side, before you asked him to go on. His short tail flicked nervously behind him, causing a small smile to appear on your face. He had always been the cutest out of your friends, and seeing him nervous around you made your heart squeeze in your chest occasionally.

“Of course,” you answered gently when he didn't immediately react to you, stepping back into the forest alongside him to escape the noise of the cascading water for a moment, since it seemed rather important.

“I apologize if this is rather abrupt,” he began, his hands fidgeting, pulling the soft fur of his abdomen in what you assumed to be nervousness or something akin to it.

"The truth is, I... Well, I...” Melian seemed to struggle quite badly now, his head whipping around nervously, making his brown hair follow in turn. You gave him a reassuring smile, trying to be as comforting as possible without saying anything, afraid he might not manage to get the words out if you did say something, even if it was meant to be supportive.

“I... adore you.” The words tumbled out of his mouth before he could stop them, and some sort of dam seemed to break in his mind when he kept talking, barely even taking breaths in between.

“You are kind and gentle to all of us inhabitants of this forest, and watching you be that way makes me feel complete in a way I cannot describe. It leaves me utterly breathless. Yet... yet, when those werewolves look at you in a filthy manner, I get quite upset. I do not possess you, and I never could, of course, but I cannot stop myself from hoping that–” He stopped himself, his human-like facial features morphing into pure horror when he realized what he had just said.

“My Vae, I can...” Just as he was about to begin apologizing, you wave him down with your hand, making sure he leans over towards you, before giving him a gentle kiss on the cheek.

“I thought you'd never tell me,” you grinned at him, his blushing face revealing the fact that he was quite pleased about your actions. Melian let out an almost dramatic sigh before giving you a kiss on the forehead, his short tail almost wagging like that of a happy puppy.

“So, may I assume you feel the same?” Lowering his head a little to be closer to you, he tried to suppress the small smile that threatened to spread into a big grin.

“You may.” Without another word needing to be spoken between the white-tailed deer man and yourself, his face inched closer to yours. Stopping just short of kissing you, his breath mingled with yours, causing a short second of hesitation before he finally closed the space between your lips. No matter how shy and reluctant it was at first, your heart still skipped a beat.

[discardead]

···　✧✦✧　···　MCR's Danger Days Album inspired NPT

Requested by @the-cemeterydrive

Xypher. Vierna. Vyrna. Scorva. Scorve. Livyn. Kynsera. Kobra. Fyrin. Fierin. Mikey. Ray. Gerard. Frank. Frankie. Francine. Francis. Maverick. Harley. Axel. Rebel. Rogue. Ryder. Jett. Jet. Star. Starla. Jestar. Killjoy. Poison. Acid. Killory. Kobrinth. Kobrie. Grant. Grace. Jean. Jeanette. Korse. Doc. Doctreath. Death. Deathe. Deathine. Deathie. Deathias. Ellen. Kathleen. Lucy. Fran. Jackie. Krilla. Killa. Killyr. Joykill. Rebbie. Debbie. Missy. Cherri. Cherry. Val. Nana.

ki/kill. kill/joy. ve/ven. ven/om. poi/son. poi/poison. sta/star. kob/kobra. gho/ghoul. dan/danger. re/reb. reb/rebel. nix/nixs. re/rhir. rie/rhem. ny/nym. ny/nym/nyr. vae/vaer. xe/xem. xe/hir. xae/xaer. kei/keir. ke/kem. fey/feir. e/eir. die/dier. die/diem. doc/docs. na/nana.

The [noun] in Danger Days. The Killjoy [noun]. This Rebellious [noun]. The Fabulous Killjoy. The Rebel in the Wasteland. The [noun] is the Weapon. Prn* who's part of the Killjoys. The Rebel's Redemption. Prn* Redemption. The Outlaw of Battery City. The [noun] living a Rebellious Life. The [noun] in Rebellion.

[cat-meg]

Using these otome-themed Inktober prompts

Day 14: Happily Ever After. - What happens after the good ending of an LI of your choice.

This ignores the spirit of the prompt but technically...

V AE spoilers-

God what I wouldn't give to trade most of what we got in VAE for more Ray and V interactions. I want to see feral kitten Ray and foster dad V so bad.

I'm not sure that Ray is the type for malicious compliance and veiled insults, but the idea of V teaching him how to weave flower crowns on their V AE adventures and Ray presenting him with a crown full of flowers with terrible meanings early on in their journey when he'd still be holding onto his mistrust and resentment toward V, I had to.

Picked anemone for obvious reasons, but also columbines because, while I'm unsure what they symbolize in Korea (if anything), they have historically have some hilariously insulting meanings attached to them in the west. (They're also my favorite flower.)

[lucifers-brain]

update on the polycule:

di is "not a groomer... jsut a loser..."

layna n e are fighting

im the favourite 🫶🫶

vae donf know wtf goin on

rai is SLUMBERING

[marshmallowprotection]

May I lift VAE maid Ray on the countertop and kiss him (sweet and) stupid 🥺

The breathless giggle on Ray's lips only further exhilarated you. You made a spot for yourself between his legs and propped your arms up on either side of his hips. You didn't want him to be on his feet during his break! He would pay for it later. You didn't mind taking care of his sore legs when you went home, but you preferred them not to get so sore in the first place.

His dress pooled around his waist and tickled your forearms. It wasn't in your way, but you noticed just how quickly he tried to pat the fabric down to keep it out of your way. A cute habit, one he always did when you swept him off his feet, but none more so than times like this with his rear planted against the countertop.

"Hey, aren't you supposed to be working right now?" he asked. That wasn't a bad question, but it certainly didn't bother you. He had most of his breaks during the afternoon whereas you could make time for a break whenever you wanted. You had no way of knowing what would need attention in the garden until you got there, so you could plan for a long day or a short one.

"Nope," the p sound popped on your lips. "The garden is doing great. I don't have to do anything but adjust the sprinkler system before I go home for the day. You, on the other hand, are supposed to be taking a break longer than fifteen minutes. Did I see you try to grab the broom to sweep up the kitchen before the end of your lunch break?"

"...Maybe."

"Is that a maybe because you know I caught you trying to overdo it, or a maybe because you didn't realize you were still on break?"

His sheepish smile said it all. Ray always did a good job, a better job than anyone who had ever worked in your parents' B&B, actually, but he didn't have to carry the weight of the world on his shoulders. That task could be split evenly between the two of you, and every now and again, your parents who dropped by to pick up the slack you might've missed.

You stole a kiss.

He sighed into the embrace as if he'd been waiting for you to kiss him all day. You couldn't blame him if he had. You'd wanted to kiss him the second he walked through the door, but you had to tend to the guest first! So, you gave him another... and another... and another. One kiss morphed into two, and then you lost track.

He tasted sweet.

No different than the jam sandwich he'd concocted for lunch.

That's definitely strawberry jam, you figured. It was his favorite fruit, though he wasn't too picky if he had to pick something else out of the fridge to appease himself for lunch.

His mystified eyes caught your attention. Normally when you kissed him until he was breathless, he didn't want to do much except cling to your side and doze off to sleep. You couldn't say you were different from him, though. The best way to spend your afternoon was to kiss him until you grew too tired to think about anything but sleeping with him.

As you focused on his rosy cheeks and dazzling smile, he asked, "Do I get more kisses like this if I forget about my break again?"

What a silly way to ask for praise... but how could you turn down his request?

"Silly maid. You know I'll kiss you until all you can think about is me... next time you think about shirking out on a break, you can trust I'll be there to show you what happens to my favorite maid when he forgets how truly precious his rest is to me," you nuzzled the tip of your nose against his.

"Wonderful..."

On a break or during a nap, Ray would never have a day without your kiss.

[natasha-in-space]

Left To Wonder

VAE!Ray/cmc Natasha Stakh;

A glimpse into the aftermath of Ray's first unfortunate awakening, where Natasha and Seven are left to pick up the pieces. A bitter truth about his relationship with his twin is a burden too heavy to carry, and the redheaded hacker is left torn and angry by the end of it. At the same time, Natasha is battling her own demons, finding herself overwhelmed by all the implications of their situation, once her friend wakes up again.

Ch.1, Ch. 2 (you are here!)

-A day earlier.-

As Natasha sat in the hospital lobby, thousands of thoughts racing through her mind, she couldn't help but let out the heaviest sigh she possibly could.

15 minutes. She was absent from Ray's side only for 15 minutes. 15 measly minutes, and it was during those specific 15 minutes of her being away, did he decide to wake up for the first time. Well, it's not like he decided that himself, but... It was still frustrating. She huffed, rubbing at her eyes in an irritated manner.

Annoyance pierced her mind like small needles digging into her skin. She sat faithfully next to him, talked to him and held his hand all this time, but when it came to the most important moment of all, she was not there when he needed her most. What was the point of that round-the-clock watch of hers, then? Now, all these grueling days of continuous sitting at his bedside seemed utterly meaningless to her. Honestly, it was pretty stupid of her to feel this annoyed at something so insignificant, but... Perhaps, she was just tired. Which wouldn't be a surprising explanation at all. She was exhausted.

Natasha groaned into her hands. Ray's reaction was her fault. She should have told Seven about all the nuances... She swore to herself, that she would be there for Ray when he woke up for the first time, since she didn’t want him to feel alone again, but...

In the end, he had to be injected with a sedative, forcefully plunging him into the peaceful world of unconsciousness for his own good. She heard about all the fuss only when she witnessed an entire team of doctors and nurses already rushing into his ward, with Seven being pushed out the door. She exhaled, rolling her head back onto the back of the chair, staring at the painfully bright lights of the hospital.

...God, she couldn't imagine how scared he was. How terrified and alone he felt. In the end, all her efforts to be with him were completely futile. Hell, she even spent her nights in his room, how is any of this fair!?

She observed Seven, who appeared to be praying, holding a silver cross in his hands. Her jaw clenched.

If God existed, he had a cruel sense of humor.

𓈒 ﹒ ☆ 𓂂 ˚ ☆ ꙳ * ࣭ ࣭𓈒 ﹒ ☆ 𓂂

Seven eventually let go of the cross, now left staring absent-mindedly at the floor. This is not what... he expected. No, not at all. He slumped in his chair, clasping his head in his hands, inadvertently parodying the same pose Natasha was in moments earlier. Something he seemed to do often these days. Or, maybe they were both just very stressed. Probably the latter. The more he thought about what just happened, the more his heart sank, a sickening sense of dread enveloping his insides.

He had a bad feeling about this.

"I don't get it. He was so scared of... me? What was that all about? I mean... Yes, of course he would be scared but- Why was he looking at me with like... that?"

Remembering Saeran's terrified look... As if he was being threatened by some horrifying creature, a look he knew so well and vowed to rid him of. But... He didn't even do anything! All he did was sit next to him and call him by his name. Then, why was he so afraid of him...?

He looked at Natasha, as if she was the one who was supposed to know everything there was to know about his brother. And he... He kind of hated it. He had absolutely no other information. From anyone. Even from those who should have been responsible for him... He just... Didn't know who else to turn to at this point. Feeling so helpless was one of the things he hated most of all.

But, for now, he had no other hope except for her.

𓈒 ﹒ ☆ 𓂂 ˚ ☆ ꙳ * ࣭ ࣭𓈒 ﹒ ☆ 𓂂

Natasha gulped, dropping her gaze to the floor with guilt, unable to bear the disheartened expression on Seven's face. She should have told him everything from the very beginning, instead of delaying it, waiting for some miracle, or until somebody else would do it for her. Although, then again, it's not like she knew that much. No, she knew practically nothing.

She hummed quietly, kicking off her shoes from her feet, pulling her knees up to her chest, and wrapping her arms around them. Her head turned towards the bustling hallway of the hospital, her mind focusing on the med personnel in white coats going in and out of the wards, paying no mind to their hushed dialogue. Her heart sank as she watched them, today's unfortunate events replaying in her head for the countless time. She wanted to be there when Ray woke up... Sure, her presence hardly would have magically removed all his fear and stress upon his first awakening, but-

Ugh...

The strangest thing is, some tiniest part of her felt... somewhat jealous that Seven was the one who saw him awake first. It seemed so stupid and absurd to her, however, she couldn't do anything about these unwanted feelings of hers. She'd be lying if she said she hadn't pictured their 'reunion' in her own head many times. Maybe, as a small source of comfort in this stressful time. But, then again, these daydreams of hers were hardly believable, and she knew that. Even if Ray had some... 'feelings' for her, her being next to him wouldn't make his awakening that joyful or happy. But, she just wanted... to lighten his burden, at least a little. Let him know that he was not alone, and that someone was nearby. That... she would protect him.

She got distracted.

Natasha turned away from the ward doors and gazed at the redhaired hacker sitting next to her. She had to take a breath before beginning her explanation. This wasn't going to be pleasant. "Seven... I may not know much, but... He spent almost his entire life there, as far as I understand. I was his assistant for about a year, and... the 'outside world' in their ideology is a terrible, cruel place where everyone wants to destroy you."

She shivered, turning her eyes back to the floor, sorting through so many unpleasant memories of her time in that cursed place that disguised itself as a castle of hopes and dreams. In hindsight, she should have known that any castle, however bright and welcoming, had a dungeon hidden beneath its grand beauty.

"I... tried to ask him to come with me once we escaped... maybe even ask the RFA for help, since I realized that none of you were bad people... and he almost listened to me, but... the Savi- I mean, Rika intervened and reminded him that, if he ever left, he would get locked up somewhere like an animal, never to see the sky or flowers, or... something like that." Natasha swallowed the lump in her throat before continuing. "He's... afraid of this world. And-"

"What are you..." Seven's voice was quiet, but that didn't deter her from catching onto every tremble in his tone as he stared at her in a mix of disbelief and horror.

A small noise of discomfort, similar to a whine, slipped from her lips as she then hid her head in her knees, speaking the rest of her words in a muffled voice. Maybe, she didn't want to know his reaction to what she was about to say. Because she knew this would hurt him, greatly, and she did not want to be a witness to that. Not again. 

"...He sees you as an enemy. He hates you and V in particular, and I'm not sure why. He-" Natasha shuddered, remembering the terrible sight of what Ray has done to Jihyun in the basement. She saw him be threatening, or even scary before, but... not like this. Not outright malicious and violent. In that cell, she saw a side of him she didn’t want to accept. And it was that exact event that pushed her to help Jihyun escape, leaving behind her former boss in the process. "...I said he was a good man, and i didn't lie about that, but- He... He tortured Jihyun, right in front of my eyes... I know it was an order from Rika, but he- he was so... ruthless with him. And I think... he would have done the same to you, if you were in Jihyun's place. I don't know why, I know almost nothing about his past, except that it was terrible, and... I can’t explain anything else to you, I’m sorry.”

She raised her head, biting on her lower lip.

"I guess what I'm trying to say is... Maybe- Next time he wakes up... you should leave the room. He... knows me, and we were close, so... maybe, that will make him a little more comfortable." Natasha fidgeted, knowing full well how that probably sounded to him. "...And if he's relatively calm, I'll call you in."

This would result in a bad outcome. She already knew that. The way Ray talked about Seven... If they would ever get along well with each other, then... She could only imagine it after a long period of time. But, maybe, if he saw how Seven was truly worried about him... And how painful it was for Seven to see him in pain... Maybe? Ray was a kind soul at heart, no matter how absurd this may sound after all the horrible events of these past few months of her stay in Magenta. She believed... Or, she wanted to believe that he was capable of forgiving Seven, no matter what could have happened between them.

...Jihyun knew. Natasha was certain of it. But he was still in intensive care, and Jumin strictly forbade Seven to approach his best friend after he saw his... 'unstable' state of mind, once the truth of who was Ray came out. And that was probably for the best. Rika probably knew, too... She was the one that 'saved' Ray, after all. But Rika is far from a reliable source of information. Especially now. Either way... She won't talk to anyone until Ray wakes up again, and this time she will be there.

And if she had to avoid leaving even to use the restroom to achieve this, so be it. It sounded absurd. She almost smiled at herself. At how irrational that sounded.

Almost.

𓈒 ﹒ ☆ 𓂂 ˚ ☆ ꙳ * ࣭ ࣭𓈒 ﹒ ☆ 𓂂

"As an... enemy?" Seven narrowed his eyes at Natasha with a look of hurt crossing over his features. "What kind of nonsense did she even say to him?!"

He clenched his hands in fists. "Why did she do this to him? Did she lie to me that she loved him!? How long? Was it from the beginning? Did V knew? Is that why he wouldn't let me catch the hacker? I-"

"I don't know, Seven. It's true that I worked with him, but I... there's... a very limiting amount of information I could have access to." The young woman murmured, her lips pursed into a thin line. It was obvious that she had a hard time speaking about this. "I'm sorry I didn't say anything earlier, I just- I don't know... I guess I thought everything would work out on its own somehow."

He couldn't believe what was happening even after a few days have passed. He was so angry, and confused, and scared, and every day his hatred for everyone responsible became stronger. His own hatred would have frightened him, if he wouldn't get more and more sickening information of how his brother was mistreated every single day. He hated Rika, he hated V, and he wanted revenge for what happened to Saeran, and he did not hide it from anyone. The crushing sense of utter betrayal was almost too much to bear. Those two hurt his family enough to deserve punishment. No, not even punishment... He truly despised them with all his guts for what they did. Or, in V's case, for what he didn't do. Justice was nothing but a meaningless word to him now; it was simply about his own desires, his raging emotions, which he no longer controlled at all. He didn't care about justice. He just wanted to make them pay.

And yet... he hated himself most of all.

So... Saeran hated him, is that right? It felt like physical pain inside his soul. Debilitating and exhausting. Like a knife twisting itself slowly and mercilessly into his heart, draining the life out of him. Every new day that he learned more and more, it would only become an ever greater burden to bear, weighting on him heavier than anything he had to stomach in his miserable life so far. And God, did he have to stomach a lot. It pained him to imagine the absolute hell his brother went through, and he was unlikely to come to terms with it so soon, if ever. Saeran hated him... He was afraid of him... What did that insane woman even tell him? He doesn't know anything. And that frustrated to no end. Some part of him wanted to scream, to blow up at Natasha, to grab her by the shoulders, shake her and demand answers, but... He knew she wasn't to blame for any of this. She was a victim who just happened to get caught up in this mess. 

And, despite having every right to get angry and leave them all behind, she stayed in this hospital: refusing to leave Saeran's side, visiting Jihyun on the daily, even bringing him food, ignoring his insistent refusals to eat. Most importantly of all, if it wasn't for her... God, he didn't even want to imagine what would have happened to Saeran if she didn't decide to go against him and leave back then. He shouldn't be angry with her.

So, he decided to leave before doing or saying something he would regret.

"...Yeah, you're probably right."

His own voice sounded a lot less emotional than he actually was on the inside... His chest hurt. The pain was getting stronger by the minute. It was unbearably painful to realize that he could evoke such negative emotions in Saeran just by his presence alone. He huffed. Perhaps this was too much for him again. Part of him still believed that Saeran or... Ray? That he would be able to recognize him and forgive him, by some stupid miracle. He understood that he still saw him as that quiet, kind, but frightened child he knew him as before, and that Saeran had already matured. Raised by Rika's lies and even more pain. Although now, taking everything into account, he began to feel more and more empty and hopeless about the whole situation. Why try to find out anything when he would receive test results after test results with a huge list of drugs in Saeran's system, when he would get told about how badly his brother's health has been neglected for years on end, and when his own family would look up at him with such a terrified expression.

With a colder look to his eyes, he stood up and headed out, still hanging his head low. After all these days, this was the first time he went out without there being an urgent need for it, even if it was only for a short time. Leaving Saeran now... He couldn't. He didn’t know what to do now and how to live on at all. What was the point of him continuing his work for the agency. But he had to finish it if he didn't want to put others in danger. He should never have forgotten this. That's not to mention the danger of Saeran being him, having his blood examined. What other choice did he have, though? It's not like he could take him out of the hospital when he was in such a critical condition. Damn it, his head was boiling again, no matter how hard he would try to concentrate and distract himself-

He felt the urge to break something.

𓈒 ﹒ ☆ 𓂂 ˚ ☆ ꙳ * ࣭ ࣭𓈒 ﹒ ☆ 𓂂

Natasha sighed, watching Seven leave with a gloomy expression on her face. Ugh... What happened between these two? She had the idea of ​​going over to have a proper talk with Jihyun once he recovers enough for such a heavy conversation, but... Something told her that this would be a very long talk, for which she did not have the strength right now. Moreover, she felt guilty about hiding the truth from Seven. He looked very distressed... Even with her not knowing absolutely anything about the situation, she could understand that Ray was someone very important to him. Family is complicated, but... it shouldn't be this complicated, right?

However, at this moment, she should use what she has at her disposal. So, after a few more moments, she got up from her seat and wandered aimlessly towards the local cafeteria, typing out a short message to the redhaired hacker along the way that read: 'I'll bring you something to eat. I hope you feel better... If it means anything, I'm ready to listen.'

She had the impression that, if she didn't bring him any food, he would refuse to eat at all. Or, rather, just forget about it.

This situation was filled with nothing but sadness and secrets.

-Present time.-

Natasha was prepared for the next time Ray woke up. She put down her book, which she had been reading for the last hour or so, smiling a little towards the young man on the hospital bed. "Good morning!"

She tried her best to carry a positive and bright attitude with her, since Ray was so gloomy and unhappy... almost always, in fact. A sheepish laugh filled the room as she rubbed the back of her neck in an embarrassed manner.

"Yesterday you looked so upset and nervous, so I decided to give you a small gift to cheer you up a little." She pointed to a small vase placed onto his bedside table, a bouquet of various flowers placed in it in a somewhat clumsy manner. "Apparently, the clinic has a small botanical garden for patients to visit, and the personnel allowed me to bring you some flowers from it if I helped them out a little. I tried to choose the brightest ones with good meanings, so that they would brighten up your day a little."

The moment Ray woke up again, he rushed to find her with his blurry gaze. Although, before he could get all emotional over her apparently not disappearing or leaving like he expected her to, she successfully managed to distract his attention. That's good.

"For me...?"

A more genuine laugh slipped from her lips. "Well... Except for forget-me-nots. I just love forget-me-nots, and I haven't looked up their meaning. So, uh, don't pay any mind if they actually mean something bad. Other than that, I brought you some daisies, pink carnations, and white camellias! I can hand them over to you, if you want."

𓈒 ﹒ ☆ 𓂂 ˚ ☆ ꙳ * ࣭ ࣭𓈒 ﹒ ☆ 𓂂

He already could barely hold back his tears, realizing just how kind Natasha was being to him... Again and again... His heart began to flutter in a painfully familiar way, both scaring and overjoying him. He gave her flowers countless of times, but never got the chance to receive any himself. Not like he ever thought he would. Now he simply didn't know how to react to such a heartfelt gesture. This was just too much... Way more than he deserved, especially from her.

"You even chose the meanings... For me... I- Thank you... They are so beautiful."

God, they were great. They went together so gracefully and their meanings... Oh, even her smile was so... sweet and lovely to look at. Like a mirage that would fade from his line of vision with a single blink. Ray never deserved to even stand next to her, much less receive something so meaningful from her! The former hacker started fidgeting with the sheets nervously, but he still hoped that his words would reflect the gratitude he felt.

"Thank you very much. They are truly wonderful. I... I don't know what to say, I'm sorry. It's so much... for me..." He lowered his head, feeling guilty for reacting this way to her gesture. He couldn't even thank her properly... Not like his body could move in a way he wanted it to, anyways.

"Hey, no need to apologize. I wanted to do this." Natasha smiled, making his heart squeeze in his chest.

As usual, he was useless.

𓈒 ﹒ ☆ 𓂂 ˚ ☆ ꙳ * ࣭ ࣭𓈒 ﹒ ☆ 𓂂

The former assistant sat down on a chair near his bed and smiled. "Besides, it's the least I can do, don't worry. I don't expect anything in return. I'm sure it's not very nice to be locked up in a room like this all the time. Even I don't like visiting doctors, let alone staying in a hospital, I can't imagine how this feels like for you. How are you feeling? Does anything hurt?"

With a hint of worry in her eyes, she tilted her head to the side and assessed his condition. She had little experience with visiting hospitals... But even if she did have the universal experience of getting stuck in the hospital due to a broken leg or a stupid injury, it still hardly would have prepared her for something like this.

She never thought she would see Ray like this, that she would see any person she knew like this. But, in the end... Jihyun is still recovering from his surgery and, thankfully, seemed to be recovering well, and Ray... It hurt to even look at Ray.

She understood that she should rejoice in the simple fact of him even being alive and not suffering anything worse than this, but... Even the doctors could not say anything for sure yet, since they were never able to examine him after he woke up. She had no idea how to bring this entire topic up to him. Like a dozen of other topics, each more unpleasant than the last. So much had happened in such a short period of time that even she felt overwhelmed, and she had no idea what it was like to be in his shoes. This is only his third awakening so far, and if the first one turned out to be a disaster, then in the second one, he hardly had enough strength for a normal conversation, and she didn’t have time to tell him... anything, really.

How was she supposed to bring up such heavy topics when it's clearly not the time for it? He almost died! How can she explain what happened to Mint Eye? What his new reality entailed for him? About everything that awaited him in the hospital? About his injuries? About Rika? About everything that happened between her and Jihyun during this time? And... about Seven...? It's simply... too much! She didn't want to talk about any of this! It's... just not fair, not fair at all. But, then again, none of this was fair from the very beginning. Everything always happened too fast, too cruelly and too unfairly, and Natasha couldn't do anything about it. Only adjust to it.

The majority of his body was covered by bandages and compressions, with some areas being more dense than others. She did not know the details of his burns and injuries... But even a fool would see that everything was quite serious. The dressings on his head, covering one half of his face, involuntarily would bring to mind the worst of thoughts, but... it seemed like, by some miracle, he did not lose his eye. Ugh, she really should find out more about his condition.

She sighed, biting her lip and squeezing her hands in her lap, as if she wanted to say something. She had no idea what words were stuck on the tip of her tongue. There was simply too much she wanted to say and not enough time to say it all.

"Ray I-"

She stopped mid-sentence. Her gaze became fixed on the modest bouquet she had brought him, and then on his left hand, where the white bandages that were now painfully familiar covered his skin. Suddenly, she found a huge lump forming in the middle of her throat, restricting her ability to breathe. Everything seemed to fall back onto her shoulders again in a second.

"Natasha...?" Ray's voice sounded muffled through the rising white noise filling her senses.

The horrifying news of what Rika had done to Jihyun, the general panic that set in right after, the alarming messages she got from Ray, the disgusting twisting in her stomach as she raced along the rough mountain roads, praying to all the Gods there were for her not crash the car on the way. The deafening roar of the explosion and the cursed stench of smoke, which now always would make her hands tremble whenever she smelled something burning. The way this very same acrid smoke penetrated her lungs, burned her nose and throat, as it seemed to her that she would simply suffocate and die right then and there, unable to save or help anyone. The sight of Ray, bloodied, burned, and barely breathing in her lap - something that now remained forever ingrained into her memory, haunting her nightmares ever since. Nightmares where he... where everything ends very differently and way more tragically. The way his blood was all over her clothes and her hands as she desperately tried to keep the pressure on one of his worst wounds on their way to the hospital.

And how... how that long wait felt. Not knowing what answer awaited her. Not knowing anything.

This time, Natasha couldn't put on a strong facade like she did for him last time. It was not possible for her to smile and calm him.

Instead, large, ugly tears rolled down her cheeks without any signs of stopping, and, with one hoarse pitiful sob, Natasha bent over in her chair, lowering her head in front of him and letting the salty drops fall onto the white sheets, leaving behind tiny spots of gray.

"I'm really- Really sorry."

Her voice sounded quiet and weak. Vulnerable. She understood that her stupid tears would not solve anything, that she needed to be his pillar of support right now, that she needed to explain to him as much as possible and help with all his burdens, but... She just... couldn't. She was weak. She was not at all as strong as Jihyun, Jumin and the rest of RFA saw her as.

She took a shuddering, shaky breath, one that burned her lungs in a painfully similar way they burned on that cursed day. She was like a little child trying to hold back her tears, but only failing in the process. Incoherent words rolled out of her mouth like a waterfall.

"I never- I didn't think- Ray..." It seems that only now had she fully realized what could have happened, and what it truly meant for her to be able to call him by his name like that. Ugh... She was a complete disaster. She clung to his name, refusing to let go, like it was a mantra.

Ray seemed to open his mouth to try and say something, but nothing came out. Or, maybe she simply didn't hear it. Neither option would surprise her.

"Ray, Ray, Ray..."

He was still alive. He was here. He was okay. It was just a name. And yet, it felt like something much bigger now. Proof that he was real, and not just a dream or a hallucination.

Another trembling sob wrecked her body, and Natasha clutched a small piece of the blanket in her hands, as if trying to ground herself with it. "I'm just- I-I'm so glad you're alive. I'm so glad I get to see you again."

In a state of emotional turmoil, harsh words almost came out.

What motivated you to do such a thing? What were you thinking?

Fortunately, she had enough self-control to resist those impulsive thoughts. Instead, she sniffled, continuing to let fresh tears fall from her eyes.

Ah... This was the first time she cried since the whole thing happened. She just realized it now. Maybe that's why she was feeling so overwhelmed?

"I... I... I missed you too, you know."

You're so stupid.

"Don't go anywhere. Not... not like that, do you hear me? Stay. Stay with me and don't do anything- to yourself. Please..."

The last words she spoke caused scary images to appear before her eyes, which is why she immediately closed them, not wanting to see any of them. Not wanting to even think about them. What did he think about back then, in the last seconds before the bomb went off...? Was he scared? Or had he already become so resigned to this outcome that he was waiting for it? She didn't want to know.

As she thought about it, a lump of bile rose violently in her throat.

Why did everything... have to end up like this...?

𓈒 ﹒ ☆ 𓂂 ˚ ☆ ꙳ * ࣭ ࣭𓈒 ﹒ ☆ 𓂂

Ray's expression slowly shifted from concern to something akin to panic as he saw tears appear in her eyes. He never saw her cry before... Not in front of him. It made his whole body grow cold with dread. He didn't understand what happened. What did he do to cause such a reaction in her? Usually he tried not to move a single muscle to avoid the pain, but, now, he automatically put his hand on the top of her head. The pain from this movement did return, but in a dulled out form, as he was focusing on something else right now. And yet her last words gave him a hint, making him feel sick to his stomach from the memory. He didn't expect... that someone would care about him like that. But, now he noticed how pale her face was, her eyes, which had completely lost their former dazzling shine of emerald green he loved so much, her usually neatly brushed out hair now tied in a messy bun that did not look comfortable at all. All this was the result of stress, shock and many hours spent here, next to him. It's... his fault. Her pain was his fault.

“What happened, Natasha? Don’t... Don’t cry, I beg you. Is it because of me? Don't. Don't cry for me, please."

At that time, he believed that no one needed him. She left with V, Mint Eye was destroyed, he was left all alone. He didn't think... that she would return to him. If it weren't for her, he wouldn't have woken up again. This thought gave rise to an unpleasant feeling in his chest. Although... He still wasn't sure of anything. He had little understanding of all the consequences his final decision would bring him. What would happen to him now, what was to come. He didn't have time to think about it, and he deliberately avoided the topic as if nothing had happened. But he wouldn't be able to deny it for long: he changed when he made up his mind back in Magenta, and he changed when he woke up again.

Don't go?

What would have happened to her if she didn’t make it? Natasha was with him all this time, every day, she sat here and waited for him to wake up. He put her through hell, and he didn't even know how much damage he caused her on that fateful day. What if he died in her arms. What would have happened to her then? How would he hurt her? Would she blame herself for his death? Crushing guilt filled his entire being. He was so selfish... These questions were too difficult for him to answer.

"Forgive me, I didn't mean to... hurt you." He looked down blankly. "Do you consider me that important to you? I made you go through so much. You should hate me by now... Why do you suffer so much for me?"

Both of them had a lot to discuss.

[luxielle]

V Route Lumen, aka Ray's magical mystical dream girl 💖

Another Story Lumen | Deep Story Lumen

[dailysaeran]

Maid VAE Saeran changing out of Ray's My Melody costume bc that was not him but Kuromi is<3 Based on the Sanrio collab chapter in the maid AU fic by @marshmallowprotection !!

[the-starry-seas]

So I guess it's as good a time as any to have a pinned post?

Hi, I'm Sticks! I use vae/vaer/vaers/vaerself and it/its pronouns. This is a multifandom blog with a dash of many other random things. I'm a proshipper, cloneshipper, multishipper, and polyshipper.

I'll tag things to the best of my ability if you ask. Sometimes I'll forget. I love being tagged in ask games, WIP games, last line challenges, literally whatever. Mutuals can DM for my discord.

You can check out my fics on AO3 at lizardwrites (Star Wars) or purpleturtle9000 (Rise/Bayverse TMNT). Or check the tag for sticks' fics to see drabbles and previews. My askbox is open for requests for more drabbles, headcanons, and general rambling.

Consider this a blanket permission for any and all transformative works of my writing, provided you do not use AI. You may post translated versions of my fics on other sites but you may not repost the original work. And please show me what you've made!

I have a lot of OCs and I love talking about them. I also want to hear all about yours! In the meantime, there's a list of mine below the cut. tumblr wouldn't let me link all of them.

Murderbot:

Jude (she/they rogue SecUnit)

ROTTMNT:

Kestrel

Star Wars:

212th Squad (Boot, Mik, Squeaker, Moxie, Onion, Crumpet)

Aces Squad (CT Racer, CT Fury, CS Blue, CT Whisper, CT Ember)

B Roll, all-girls clone squad formed of Bark, Bite, Bumble, and Bee

Clone Force M (CT Winter, CT Bee, CT Indigo, CT Jewel, CC Nebula, CT Zenith, CT Sunny, CT Star, CT Sky, CT Silver)

Mar'eyce, modern AU Clone Force M, featuring the Smokejumpers

Ghost Squad (CL Harlow, CS Karla, CT Shay, CT Cavalry, CT Boom, CT Ray, CT Nox, CT Tally) and their associated Mandalorians

Green Squad (formerly) now civilians Aralyn, Berry, and Prey Drive

Royal Squad, five tubies adopted by the royal family in a nobody-dies Bail/Breha/Fox AU (Bug, Jaonyc, Yancy, Helio, Vidal)

Shili Squad (Chen Nihaan, Alyx, Bella, Corvin, Watcher, Atlas, Ginger, Circuit, and Synch)

Shiny Squad: Kit's batchmates CT Lucky, CT Shrike, and CT Carno

Grafitti & Rence of the Corrie Guard

Kit also of the Corrie Guard and Fox's shiny/adopted son

Legacy and Legend, a pair of Force-sensitive batchmates who are smuggled to a Jedi temple

Prim Fett (clone, Mandalorian, and adopted daughter of Boba)

Riye Verda (Kamino-cloned, Mandalorian-raised)

Switch (clone, reconditioned, cyborg, mercenary)

Kryndi (florist and Kit's girlfriend in the royal OT3 AU)

Cathedi (Jedi)

Xerin (Jedi)

Clan Merit, composed of Quin, Aya, and Amery (Mandalorians)

Mirshko (Mandalorian)

Torrak Varkus and Torrak Vermil (Mandalorian)

Vinir (Mandalorian)

Senaar, Rish'ak, Marev, and Maiangi from the Suum Ca'nara AU

Soruli and Seryla (Nautolan Jedi and Force-sensitive smuggler)

A'Hidayat (Tusken)

U'Rajya (Tusken)

Tusken OC umbrella tag

Ripper (Yautja in Star Wars)

Valkyries (all-women pirate crew-slash-polycule)

CC Kamor, Eixes Judarri, and Padawan Rivi from the Better or Worse AU, where a clone captain finds and adopts his general's padawan, with the help of the Zabrak smuggler who becomes his queerplatonic partner

Chen Xunielah, a Togruta ambassador and duchess, and her clone husband Chen Nihaan, who form the Chen family with their kids

Scrapper Crew, a collection of troublemaking ladies

Come Home AU, about Mando spouses separated by the Empire and later reunited

Mordex, a Force-sensitive kid enslaved by a Sith who later becomes a bounty hunter during the Clone Wars

And various SWTOR OCs, also an umbrella tag

Transformers:

Button

Chromeblaze

Demoiselle

Goldshot

Neutrobolt & Nitroblitz

Nightflash

Stormbrake

Voltcast

Various:

Rowan

[headmate-ideas]

(we r intersex and 18+ bodily) intergender non-binary shy, sensitive headmate pack 2 help with substance dependence ?? objectum, palette, and all the extended details would help !! 🩻🏒💾🦾🎨 🌐🥊🧬🌃 🖌️ 💿

[Brought to you by: Mods Venn and Chem!]

🩻 HEADMATE TEMPLATE 🏒

✦ Name(s): Dee, Art, Cy ✦ Pronouns: any pronouns, likes the following neos: vae/vaer/vaers/vaerself, ix/ixs/ixself, e/em/eir/eirs/emself, x/xs/xself ✦ Species: human ✦ Age: five years older than body ✦ Role(s): addiction holder, addiction manager, forportian, charge, artist, interest holder, symptom holder (optional) ✦ Symptoms experienced: infodumping (optional) ✦ Labels: intergender, pxngender, duaric, gay ✦ Xenos: music, the internet, shadows ✦ Likes: sports, science, art ✦ Dislikes: having to be quiet ✦ Music taste: indie rock, classic rock, math rock ✦ Aesthetic(s): techcore, medicalcore, sci fi aesthetic ✦ Objectum attraction(s): technology, music, jewelry ✦ Kins: x-ray machines, cyborgs, opossums ✦ Color palette: silver, black, pale blue, muted dark blue ✦ Emoji proxy: 🩻🏒

✦ Details:

Dee is a geneticist who holds interests concerning both science and sports. X also holds the system's addictions but is better at managing them than other headmates may be. Ix is logical and practical, and ix tends to be rather organized. They also like wearing silver jewelry.

✦ Role performance:

While Dee is subject to the system's addictions, e is better at managing their use, practicing harm reduction, and setting and following rules about substances. E also fronts when the system are especially high to make sure no harm befalls them. They are very aware of their feelings, and while they are bad at reaching out to large groups of people, they are good at asking for help from people within their system or that the system trusts.

✦ Personality:

Dee is shy and sensitive, and while she isn't very good at making friends, she is good at asking for help from people she trusts (namely within his own system). Ix is very passionate about ixs interests (namely science and sports) and likes sharing about them at any opportunity, infodumping if applicable. X is also very logical and rational, and x can help the system determine what is realistic to expect and defuse cognitive distortions.

✦ Identity:

Dee is intergender, as the body is intersex, and this influences vaer sense of identity. In particular, being intersex gives them a paradoxical disconnect and strong connection to the concept of binary gender, so they identify as all and no genders at once. They use all pronouns but enjoy neopronouns the most. Given that vae identifies as all genders and no genders at once, vae considers all their attraction both gay and straight.

✦ Interests and hobbies:

Dee has a mix of "nerd" and "jock" hobbies. For example, vae is fascinated by science, especially genetics and anatomy, and e likes reading books and watching documentaries about such topics. However, e also enjoys sports a lot, including boxing and hockey, and enjoys watching and/or playing these sports. X also likes art and drawing.

[These can be edited and changed as needed, and headmates will almost definitely not turn out EXACTLY as described.]