#WAVYrevisited

[stargazer-sims]

Journal Entry #38

previous // next // story index

__________

Yuri

This isn’t going to be a lengthy update. I just want to record some thoughts about my very first camping trip because it turned out not to be as bad as I’d feared it would be. in fact, there were some genuinely fun moments as well as some enlightening ones.

One noteworthy thing that happened is that I went fishing. Never in a million years would I have imagined myself doing something like that. But then again, a week ago I might not have imagined myself sleeping in a tent in the middle the forest and actually liking it either.

Victor took about a dozen pictures of me with my first catch. I think he was even more excited about it than I was. Our favourite photo is the one where I’m holding the fish up and grinning like I’d just won a gold medal. On his Instagram account, Victor captioned it, “Yuri touched a fish. The world is collectively shocked.”

It was a silly tag line, but there was a glimmer of truth in it. I can’t speak for the entire world, but I can say I surprised myself by not being scared or disgusted by my fishy friend. After his fifteen seconds of fame, I returned him to the lake as carefully as I could. Victor said he was too small to keep, and I was secretly pleased that he wouldn’t be part of our dinner plans. I wanted to remember him as a triumph, not a tragedy.

I caught two more fish after that, and Victor and Leo each caught two. One of mine was big enough to keep, and so was one of Victor’s. Victor got the catch of the day, and a photo of that one quickly found its way to Instagram too.

Aside from fishing, I learned how to paddle a canoe, how to make campfire tea and how to zip myself into my own sleeping bag. On Saturday afternoon, someone — I’m not sure if it was Leo or Victor — started a water balloon battle that I somehow ended up participating in.

This morning while Victor and I were out for a walk, we found a small stand of wild apple trees. Most of them were laden with ripe fruit, and Victor lifted me up so I could pick from the low-hanging branches. We tried one of the apples straight away. I thought they’d be sour and inedible, but they were surprisingly tasty, even if somewhat on the tart side.

Our jackets were bulging with apples when we got back to the campsite. Ellie said we probably had enough to make a pie when we got back, if we didn’t eat too many of them in the meantime, so we retrieved a reusable shopping bag from the small stash in the trunk of Leo’s car and transferred our harvest into it to take home. I’m looking forward to apple pie. According to both Victor and Leo, Victor’s mom makes the best apple pie of all time.

After lunch, we packed everything up and loaded the car for the trip back to Maple Grove. The ride was uneventful. Victor drove and I sat in the front with him, and this time I didn’t fall asleep and was able to appreciate the scenery along the way.

I have to say, I’m glad I agreed to go to the North Range despite my misgivings, but I’m even more glad that we came back to Maple Grove this afternoon. As interesting as camping was, I’m certain I wasn’t made for roughing it. I was never so thankful for anything in recent memory than I was for a long soak in a hot bath and then a nice nap in a cozy bed. I think I’m due for a spa day after this. I can tell my skin and nails are going to need some attention, and I’m sure a therapeutic massage will also be on the agenda.

Victor thought it was funny that I made such a production of my bath when we got back to his mother’s house, but it was a big deal to me. After two days of lukewarm, low-pressure showers in a shabby building inhabited by spiders, sinking up to my neck in gloriously hot water with strawberry-scented soap was nothing short of divine. I could’ve stayed there for hours, if the water wouldn’t have cooled.

Victor came in to check on me at one point, and he said the expression on my face looked like I was having too good a time for someone who was in a room alone. In light of that, I asked him to join me. We often bathe together, so it was no surprise when he immediately undressed and happily climbed in.

Much to my relief, he didn’t want to act silly in there. He washed my back and then we just reclined in the pleasant warmth, with me nestled against his chest and him idly playing with my damp hair. It was one of those moments where we didn’t need words to communicate. I felt so protected, and it made me happy to know I’m with someone who loves me and cares for me. He really is my treasure. Of all the people in the world, I have this rare, beautiful, precious man to love and cherish, and I couldn’t be more grateful to have him in my life.

I thought about Ellie again, and wondered what she was doing at that moment. Was she thinking about Leo?

I want to imagine her being happy. I hope when she finally works up the courage to tell him how she feels about him, he won't hurt or disappoint her. He doesn’t strike me as the most mature person, and although I’m sure he’s intelligent, he doesn’t act like it. I realize I don’t know him all that well, but based on what I’ve observed up to now, I can’t help questioning whether he’s ready for a serious relationship.

Of course I know it’s none of my business. It’ll be up to Ellie and Leo themselves in the end. But I like a good love story and I truly do want the best for my new friend Ellie. For her sake, I hope she finds what she needs.

When Victor and I were done in the bath, he wrapped me in a towel and carried me the short distance to his room. “So your feet don’t have to touch the cold basement floor,” he said. I wasn’t about to argue with that. I didn’t have the slightest interest in literal cold feet, and I might as well admit that I love it when Victor carries me. The way I see it, being able to be carried by my husband is one of the few advantages to being tiny as well as severely underweight, and I’m not above taking my pleasure where I find it.

I know what you’re probably thinking. It’s utterly shameful how he spoils me. That’s more than likely true, but it’s his choice. I’d never expect or demand any of it from him, and although it’d require adjustment on my part if he suddenly stopped, I wouldn’t hold it against him.

He put me down on the bed and I dried off while he poked around in one of my suitcases.

“Pyjamas or normal clothes?” he asked.

“Pyjamas,” I said. “The dinosaur ones, please.”

He glanced over his shoulder and gave me a cheeky little grin. We’d both laughed like fools when we’d been out shopping one day and found sets of one-piece pyjamas for adults that reminded us of the kind we used to wear as little boys. Obviously, we each had to have a set. Victor’s are blue with a cute outer space theme, and mine are white with an all-over print of multicoloured dinosaurs.

I love wearing pyjamas even when I’m not planning to be in bed. One of the advantages of working remotely a majority of the time is that I get to wear them whenever I want.

“Need any help?” Victor asked as he came over and laid my things next to me on the bed.

“No thanks. I think I can manage,” I said. “It’s not like last weekend when I was in too much pain to move.”

“I’m glad you’re better,” he said. “You know I worry about you.”

“I know. I don’t want you to worry, but it’s good to know I’m important enough for you to worry about.”

“You’re the most important.”

“You’re the most important to me too," I told him.

“Are you sure you don’t need help?”

I smiled, amused. “Why do I feel like you’re looking for a reason to get your hands on me again?”

“Would that be a problem?” he asked.

“Let’s put some clothes on and then we can cuddle, okay? Then you can put your hands wherever you like.”

He raised an eyebrow. “Wherever I like?”

“Within reason.”

“Okay,” he said. “All I really want to do is hold you anyway.”

“I’d like that,” I said.

Despite my assertion that I didn’t heed help getting dressed, I somehow ended up letting Victor help put the top half of my pyjamas on me anyway. Personally, I think it was just a convenient excuse for him to get at the spots where he knows I’m ticklish, despite his assertion that all he wanted to do was hold me. I didn’t mind too much. He’s always gentle and he always stops when I ask him to, so I feel safe when we’re playing, even if I’m not entirely in the mood for it.

He’s pretty good at reading me, and I think he could tell my tolerance was low because he didn’t carry on like he often does.

“You’re still not feeling the best, are you?” he said as he helped me settle onto the pillows. He placed a feathery kiss on my belly before carefully zipping up the front of my ridiculous dinosaur PJs.

“I’ve been a lot worse,” I said. “Mostly, I’m just tired.”

“How about a belly rub?”

“No thanks. Put some clothes on and come snuggle with me.”

“Just some?”

“Underpants at least.”

He laughed. “I think I can do better than that.”

He didn’t do a whole lot better than that. I think he lost focus halfway through. Wearing only underwear and his favourite sweatpants, he flopped over diagonally on the bed, draped one arm over me and rested his head on my stomach.

“Comfortable?” I asked.

“Mm-hmm,” he murmured. “I’m not hurting you like this, am I?”

The weight of his head on my stomach was soothing, and I was sure I could fall asleep with him lying there, more comfortably than I could with the steady, warm pressure of my hot water bottle.

“No, you’re perfectly fine like that,” I said. “It feels good.”

“Good,” he said.

I weaved my fingers into his hair and began to massage his scalp gently, the way I know he likes. “Are you doing all right?”

“Mmm…” was his succinct reply, a low hum of satisfaction. “Right this second? I’m doing okay.”

I closed my eyes and let my mind drift back to this time last week. I was tempted to say things had changed dramatically since last Sunday, but in reality they hadn’t. I’d been feeling absolutely awful, and Victor and I hadn’t been getting along, so I suppose at least that much is different now, but nothing about our relationship has been fundamentally altered. Even though we’d had a serious disagreement, it didn’t mean we weren’t as committed to each other as ever. Us working it out was proof enough of that.

And we really had worked it out together. I silently congratulated us for that, because sometimes talking about the things that hurt and frighten us is extremely hard and our natural tendency is to avoid having those tough conversations. Fortunately, Victor and I trust each other enough to be honest, even if doing so can be painful, and both of us are at least self-aware enough to know that no situation will improve if we don’t confront our feelings and name them out loud.

I hadn’t wanted to admit that I was jealous of Victor’s relationship with Leo and Ellie, or that I was feeling insecure and scared, which was making me behave in a way I can only describe as possessive. It wasn’t easy to acknowledge I felt that way, but finding a path through it seemed less daunting once I did. I’d been worried that Victor would be angry. Maybe he had been a little bit, but he’d been willing to listen and he did his best to understand what I needed.

In turn, I listened when he talked about feeling homesick, about everything he’d given up to join me in Japan, and how he sometimes struggles with the choice he’d made. Hearing that, it was a challenge not to blame myself for holding him back from the future he’d wanted. I was the reason he’d left his home and his family and friends, given up on his plan to go to university, and lost his chance at a spot on the Canadian Olympic team. If he ever resented me for it or if he was angry, I couldn’t have blamed him.

I ached inside, thinking of what a shock it must’ve been for him to lose so much all at once, and how difficult it must be to balance that against his desire to be with me. I wished I could give him back what I’d inadvertently taken, but I knew I couldn’t. The only thing I could do was to help make it right.

Ever since last weekend, I’ve been thinking about what it might be like to live here in Maple Grove, to leave my home town and my country and everything that’s familiar. Victor did that for me, so how could I do any less for him? Besides, I have far less to lose than he did.

If I left home, I know I’d miss my mother and my baby sister, and I’m sure I’d miss my friends, but I don’t have any ambitions to give up or dreams to leave behind. My dream was to find somebody who’d rescue me from my despair and loneliness, someone who’d love me so deeply and gain my trust so completely that I could one day stop feeling unwanted and afraid. Victor is my dream made real. Where I am in the world doesn’t matter that much to me as long as he’s there too.

As for everything else, I’m confident I could adapt. Thanks to my father’s foresight, I started learning English as a preschooler and now I speak it almost as fluently as if it were my first language. Because of that, I’d have no problem working or going to university here if I wanted. The immigration process might be a hurdle, but I recently discovered that Victor’s uncle Stephen, Leo’s dad, is actually an immigration lawyer, so even applying for worker or student status in Canada may not be as insurmountable an obstacle as it might otherwise have been.

Victor and i will have to discuss all this at some point, obviously. It couldn’t be a spontaneous decision, nor one we could take lightly. We’d have to be absolutely certain it was what we both wanted and would be willing to commit to.

Although I’m sure he’d never say so himself, I think Victor’s decision to come to Japan was made with too much haste. Maybe that sounds odd, considering how long we were in a long-distance relationship, but I'm not talking about the length of time between us becoming a couple and him arriving in Matsumori. I mean the time between when he decided he was leaving home and when he actually did it. He told me in the middle of January, and by the fifth of February, he was there. I barely had time to get ready for his arrival. No, I’m not displeased that he did it, but in hindsight I believe it could’ve used a bit more planning. If I decide to leave home, I don’t want there to be any uncertainty about my choice.

Feasible or not, I could envision a future in which we lived here. We’d have a cute little house with a nice back yard for our dogs to play in and space for me to have a flower garden. Victor could be near his friends and his loving, close-knit family. I’d find a job, and he could go to university to become a nurse or physical therapist, and I could help him with his reading in the evenings. We could volunteer at the dog shelter and go snowboarding on weekends. Maybe I’d even agree to the occasional trip to the North Range.

The North Range.

Learning how to fish and how to cook food on a campfire weren’t the only bits of knowledge I’d gained while spending the weekend in the forest. After our time there, I have a better understanding of Victor’s relationship with Ellie and Leo, and I’d like to think I understand more about Victor himself. At the North Range, I got to see him in an environment where he was perfectly at ease, where he wasn’t anxious about complex rules of social etiquette, and where he didn’t seem to feel the constant need to prove he was adequate.

As a matter of fact, I’ve noticed that about him in general since we’ve been in Maple Grove. This is where he belongs. He’s happy and confident here. I realize no one’s existence is ever completely free of stress, but I’d like to see Victor enjoying a life where he isn't constantly anxious about not being good enough and never quite fitting in.

I recall sitting by the lake with him on Saturday night, watching the moon rise over the water. The moon seemed to come from behind the mountain and it looked enormous; an optical illusion I knew was created by how close it was the the horizon. I’ve seen it like that at home sometimes too, climbing up from behind the slope of Arashiyama. What I hadn’t observed before was how bright it looked without the presence of any other lights. The sky was scattered with stars, like thousands of diamonds strewn across dark blue velvet. It was stunning.

I’d been so preoccupied with staring at the sky that it’d taken me a minute to realize Victor was crying. He wasn’t making any noise, just sitting there with tears running down his face. I reached for his hand, and he’d curled his fingers around mine like we were the last two people on Earth and he was afraid to let go.

I didn't ask if he was okay. That’s the sort of banal question people ask when they can’t think of anything else. Most of the time it’s rhetorical anyway, since you wouldn’t be asking it at all if you already thought the person was fine.

Instead, I said, “Tell me how you’re feeling.”

“I’ve missed this place so much,” he replied. “Honestly, I have no idea if I’m happy or sad. Maybe both at the same time? Like, as long as I don’t think too far ahead, I feel great, but whenever I remember we haven’t got much time left here, the sad part kicks in." He sighed. "Sorry. That probably doesn't even make sense."

“Don't worry. It does.”

“I don’t want to leave. Not the North Range, but like... here in general. Maple Grove.” He almost whispered the last word, “Home.”

“I know.”

“I’m sorry,” he said.

He looked away from me, but I didn’t stop looking at him. I stroked his knuckles with my thumb, slowly and steadily, just as he would’ve done for me. “Why are you sorry?”

“I wasn’t going to tell you," he said. "I was going to keep it to myself."

"Why?"

"Because I didn’t want you to be upset.”

“Why would you think I’d be upset?" I asked. "You know I always want you to tell me if there’s something wrong, even if it’s something I might not like."

“I didn’t want you to worry about me,” he confessed. “I thought we could just go back to Matsumori and I’d get over it eventually and everything would be fine. But I can’t. Thinking about leaving feels like something’s tearing my heart out. Like, it literally hurts and I… I can’t…”

He’d left the sentence unfinished, squeezing his eyes shut and visibly tensing his shoulders, neck and jaw.

“Victor, look at me," I said. I gave him a few seconds, but when he didn't open his eyes, I opted to continue anyway. "Listen to me. I don’t expect you to just get over things. Nobody expects that. Don’t I always tell you whatever you’re feeling is okay?”

“Yeah, but—“

“It’s okay,” I said.

“It’s not okay. I feel like no matter what I do, it’s gonna be the wrong thing. Somebody’s going to be unhappy, and it'll be my fault.”

“It won't be your fault, No one is going to assign any blame."

"I will. To myself."

"You shouldn't," I said. "And you shouldn't punish yourself for feeling a certain way. If you're unhappy and there's something we can do about it, why don't we try to find the solution together?"

“Because there isn't one," he said. "I made my choice already."

"Your choice isn't irreversible," I said. “Tell me what would make you happy. Would you like to stay here a little longer? I can go back, and you can join me when you’re ready.”

He shook his head. "I don’t want to be apart from you.”

“I don’t want to be apart from you either, but I also don’t want to see you in pain.”

“It’ll hurt worse if we’re not together.”

In spite of the situation, I smiled. “You’re impossible, you know.”

“I’m sorry," he said. "I can’t help it.”

“I know you can't. I didn’t mean that in a bad way,” I assured him. “I love that you want to be with me, but you know I can’t stay here with you now. I have responsibilities at home. I’m not going to make you come back with me if it’s not what you want, but I need to go, at least until my mother’s finished doing what she has to do in America. Someone has to take care of Yuki.”

“But… if I don’t go back, who’s going to take care of you?” he asked.

“I think I could get along for a while on my own.”

“I wouldn’t like that," he said. "I’d be too worried about you, especially if your mom isn’t around. Besides, back in the spring, you made me promise never to leave you again, remember?”

I did remember that, and it had struck me suddenly just how much I’ve grown over the past several months. “I’m not going to hold you to that promise any more. It’s not fair to you.”

“Regardless, I know I have to go back anyway, whether I want to or not. It’s just… I wish I could have everything I want, you know?”

I did, and perhaps having that knowledge is the hardest part of the entire situation. On Saturday night as well as now, I can see how much our current circumstances are hurting him, and it's breaking my heart.

Sitting there by the lake, I wished I could magically fix everything, as futile as I knew that wish was.

“Some day, my treasure,” I said softly, continuing to stroke his trembling fingers. “Some day, you’ll have everything you want. I don't know how we'll do it, or when, but I promise we’ll find a way.”

[stargazer-sims]

Journal Entry #20

previous // next // story index

__________

Victor

Hey, everybody! It's been a while.

Things have been nonstop around here for the past few weeks, which is how I like it, but it hasn’t left much time for updates. I’m gonna try to fill you in on everything that's been happening as best I can.

The first item of news is that Yuri and I have decided our first international adventure together is definitely going to be in Brazil. Turns out, there are some great travel packages available in the winter, which is the only time we can go due to us both having jobs. I think Yuri’s still a little nervous about flying, but he’s starting to get into the idea of the trip itself. We’ve been doing our research, so we’re going to be fully prepared, and it looks like it’s going to be a totally amazing experience. We’ll keep you all in the loop as our travel plans develop.

In other less happy news, Yuki finally went home. I have absolutely no idea what kind of capitalist disaster kept Mr. and Mrs. Okamoto working at their company’s head office in the city for nearly a month, but I guess they sorted it out at last. I’m sure Mr. Okamoto is back in his office here in town now, terrorizing his local workforce once again.

Yuki didn’t want to leave when her parents came to get her. She hung onto Yuri and cried so hard that it made me wonder just how bad life for her is at home. It took all Yuri’s considerable powers of persuasion to convince her to let go, and then we had to agree to drive her home ourselves so that she could spend ten more minutes with us.

I’ll confess I felt like crying when Yuki hugged us goodbye in front of her house. I’d gotten used to having her with us and we were really feeling like an odd little family to me. I was getting into the routines of bedtime, playtime, chores and homework.

Yuki was still with us when she started the new school term after summer break, and they’ve had homework assignments already. Yuri had to help her with that because I was never great at doing my own school work when I was Yuki’s age. I didn’t think I could focus long enough to help Yuki with hers.

Yuri is brilliant and he did really well, encouraging her to figure out the answers herself and praising her when she got it right. Even when she didn't get it right, it was no big deal. He told her that incorrect answers were just bends in the road on the way to her goal, and that she should keep trying.

“Remember what I said about being wrong?” I overheard him telling her one evening. “It’s not easy, and we might not like it, but it’s how we learn.”

If we ever planned to adopt a kid some day, he’d be a totally amazing dad. Neither of us actually want to have the permanent responsibility of a kid, and we’re far from ready for it even if we did want to, but hypothetically I can picture Yuri as a fantastic parent. As for me, I’d be the fun dad who’d plan the birthday parties, cry dramatically over every first-time event, and hate giving time-outs. I’d be the classic “Go ask your other dad” guy because you just know Yuri would be the one making all the rules.

Another thing that happened while Yuki was with us was that she had her birthday. September is a big month for birthdays in the Okamoto family. Yuki's birthday is on the eighth, Mrs. Okamoto's is on the eighteenth and Yuri's is on the twentieth. Yuki is ten years old now, and she's super proud of being in the double digits.

Yuri and I might’ve gone slightly overboard with Yuki’s birthday presents. Yuri got permission from his mother to let him buy her a snowboard, so we went shopping in Kyoto one day while Yuki was at school. A snowboard isn’t any good without snowboard boots, and she needed a helmet for safety reasons. We bought her an adorable snowsuit and matching gloves too.

The look on her face was priceless when she saw everything. The only thing we wrapped was her helmet, and Yuri gave it to her before dinner. It was probably a tiny bit mean on our part to make her wait until after dinner for the rest, especially because she knew exactly what the helmet was for and had no problem anticipating what would go with it, but watching her get more and more excited all through our meal was worth watching.

As soon as we were done clearing up the dishes, we showed her everything else, and she ran straight upstairs to try on her snowsuit and helmet in front of the mirror. We could hear her shrieking with delight, “I look like I could be in the Winter Olympics!”

I’ve already had her up on the mountain with her new snowboard, and let me tell you, our Yuki is a natural. We were only on the bunny slope, but I predict she’ll be on the easy slope by midwinter. If she wants to compete, I think next year she could be in the junior novice competitions. The most important thing for now is that she likes it and that she’s staying safe.

The last time I talked to her, she was trying to think of a name for her board. After finding out that mine all have names, it was a foregone conclusion that she'd want to name hers. She said she’ll let me know when she comes up with the perfect name for it, and I'm looking forward to hearing what she decides on.

On the subject of snowboarding, it’s less than two months until the start of our competitive season. I’ve been training like crazy, but it’s harder now that I have a job and have to be at work four days a week. Still, I’m feeling good about this season. Elsa is the best board I’ve ever owned. She rides like a champion, and I’m in really great shape.

The first competition of the season is during the work week, but my boss has already approved me taking the day off. It’s on a Friday, but Tomiko is letting me work on Monday that week instead, to make up for it. Yuri promised me that he’d come and watch. I’m ridiculously excited, and I can hardly wait for this season to get going.

Even with lots to look forward to during autumn and winter, It’s hard to believe summer’s over. It'll soon be October and Canadian Thanksgiving. Japan doesn't have a Thanksgiving holiday like we do in Canada, but I still like to celebrate it just as I would if I was back home. This’ll be my second Thanksgiving without my mom and our extended family, and although I’m sad about that, I’ve still got plenty to be thankful for. I’m planning a huge meal for it and we’re inviting our friends over to enjoy the feast with us.

But before we get to Thanksgiving, we've got another dinner party planned and something else to celebrate. Today is Yuri's birthday, and he’s twenty-five. In my opinion, twenty-five years is a big milestone for somebody who was given a low chance of survival past the first twenty-four hours of his life. I think defying odds is one of Yuri’s specialties.

It’s wonderful and strange to think that we’ll both be twenty-five for a couple of months. I don’t know why, but I like the idea of there being a magical window of time where we’re the same age.

We met in that special part of the year, when we were both twenty. It was in November, so Yuri had turned twenty about two months prior, and I was about to turn twenty-one on the second of December. It’s hard to believe we’ve known each other nearly five years now and that we’ve been officially together for most of it. Our second anniversary of being physically together here in Matsumori will be coming up on the fifth of February. We’re reaching milestones everywhere, and I love it.

Anyway, Yuri's party will be tomorrow, since that's when all of our friends are free, but we've been doing birthday stuff since yesterday. Last night we had dinner with his parents, and when we got home in the evening, I made his birthday cake. This morning we had cake for breakfast, and I’m pretty sure it was the first time in his life that he’s ever done that.

He doesn’t eat a lot of sweets and he’s not used to it, so it was kind of funny to see him on a sugar high first thing in the morning. Generally speaking, I’m the one who’s energetic in the mornings, and it was a change to have him moving at my speed.

He hopped into the bath with me after breakfast, which was an unexpected surprise. There was a lot more playing and nonsense than he typically accepts, but he started it, so that’s my excuse for letting things get silly and splashy in there. Let’s just say, not a whole lot of actual washing got done.

“I think you should take me somewhere nice for my birthday,” he declared.

“Do you? I thought you wanted to have a quiet day at home.”

“It’s my prerogative to change my mind,” he said airily. “It’s my birthday,”

I was trying hard to keep a straight face as he casually tickled my chest. “Anybody ever tell you that you’re a troublemaker, Yuri Okamoto?”

“How could you ever call an innocent boy like me a troublemaker?“

“The ones who seem innocent are the ones you’ve got to watch,” I said. “They’re the ones who sweet talk you into doing things you might not have come up with on your own.”

“Oh? What things? I may be too innocent to know what you mean.”

My effort not to laugh was a wholly unsuccessful one. “Keep doing what you’re doing, and you’ll find out.”

“Will I like it?”

“You tell me,” I said. “I don’t think I'll be taking you anywhere for your birthday, unless you count my room."

"Ooh... that sounds intriguing."

"Yeah, I’m going to scoop you out of this tub and carry you to my bedroom, and then I'm gonna take my time kissing every centimetre of you from head to toe. Every centimetre you can tolerate, at least.”

“That’s still a lot of centimetres.” He stopped tickling me and began petting me instead, ghosting his fingers over my collarbone in a way that always makes me feel pleasantly weak and tingly. “That could take a while. Longer if I want a turn kissing you all over.”

“Could take all morning,” I said.

He hummed softly. ‘Yes, it could, but we can always go out in the afternoon.“

“I guess you’re feeling adventurous today?"

“Mm-hmm. I am.” He gazed at me through half-closed eyelids, and in a tone I can only describe as seductive, he continued. “Do you like it when I’m adventurous, Victor?”

“You know there’s only one correct answer I can give to that,” I said. I trailed my fingertips slowly along the length of his spine. “You tell me when to stop, my beautiful brave boy. This is your adventure.”

I got down to the small of his back before he gasped. “Ohh… stop, please. Stop right there.”

“Too much?”

“No.” He wiggled a little under my hand. “It’s good. I like it. Just remember how you went all the way down my back like that, because I want you to do it again, but I want to experience it properly. I want to be comfortable, not squished into a corner of the tub.”

“Who’s squishing who?” I said. “You’re the one who’s on top of me.”

“Let’s get out,” he said. “Weren’t you going to carry me to your room? Kiss every centimetre of my body that I can tolerate, I think you said?”

“Yeah.”

“I’m ready for it. I might even let you try exploring a few new spots.”

So… that happened.

We had fun until Yuri got too cold and insisted I should go to his room and get some clothes for him. Then we had fun again, attempting to put pyjamas on each other. I’m much better at dressing him than he is at dressing me, since I’ve already had some practice. It was nice to see him being able to enjoy it for a change, too. Usually when I have to change his clothes, it’s because he’s ill and in pain and literally can’t do it by himself. There’s nothing remotely amusing or pleasant about that.

Once we were sufficiently covered and snuggling under the blankets, and Yuri had stopped shivering, we were both prepared to pick up the thread of our earlier conversation.

"So,” I said, “Where would you like me to take you for your birthday?”

“I want to go down to the valley and look at the coloured leaves,” he said. “You can take me to the park in Hanamigawa. Maybe we can pack some sandwiches or something, and our dinner can be a picnic.”

“That sounds awesome,” I said. “When was the last time we had a picnic?”

“This time last year.”

“I think we should make a point of doing it more often, don’t you?”

“I’d like that,” he said. “Do you know what else I want to do?”

“What?”

“Karaoke," he said.

I laughed. “Yuri, you’re terrible at karaoke. Why do you want to do that?”

“Because you’re terrible at it too, and I want to watch,” he admitted. “Besides, I won’t care that I’m terrible after I’ve had the drink you’re going to buy for me.”

“Do you think that’s a good idea?”

“Just one,” he said. “It’s my birthday. Please?”

The way he was looking at me, it would’ve been impossible to refuse him anything, and when he curled his fingers around mine and gave my hand a playful squeeze I knew I wasn’t going to be insisting on any sort of reasonable behaviour.

“Okay,” I said. “I’ll buy you a drink tonight. Just one, and if the angry belly monster doesn’t like it, you’re not allowed to blame me. Got it?”

“Got it,” he said, and gave me a cheeky little grin. “But, if I don’t feel good after, you’ll still take care of me, right?”

“Don’t I always?”

“You do. I love how you take care of me.” He rested his head on my shoulder. “I have nothing to worry about with you. Makes my other worries easier to manage.”

He didn’t have to say what those were, because the two biggest ones were my worries, too.

I’d said I would talk to Hana about the situation with Ren, but I hadn’t succeeded in doing it yet. Hana and I don’t frequent the same places so I don’t often see her, and the couple of times I’d tried calling her, it just went to voicemail. Probably she was ignoring me. I figured if I wanted to catch her, the only place I could do it would be at the rink. That wouldn’t be ideal, but I doubted it’d happen at all otherwise.

Fortunately, Yuri seems to have calmed down quite a lot since his initial conversation with Hana. I know he’s still concerned about it. He's told me that he can't stop thinking about it for long, but he’s coping as best he can.

The other big thing occupying the top of our worry list is his upcoming medical tests. That appointment seemed far away before. Now it’s looming like a shadow, only three days away.

It’s hard for me to understand how Yuri’s feeling about that, because I’m hardly ever sick. The only time I was in the hospital, aside from various trips to the emergency room to get treated for injuries, was when I had day surgery to get my wisdom teeth removed when I was twenty-one. I don’t like going to the hospital, but I’m also not afriad of it. Then again, I have no reason to be scared. Nobody puts me through medically-authorized torture when I go there. I’ve never once woken up in a hospital bed feeling worse than I did when I arrived.

The tests are routine; he has some of them once a year and others, like blood tests and antibody tests, more often. I’m keeping my fingers crossed that everything’s okay. He’s been doing so well lately that I’m almost totally convinced it’ll be fine, but I’ve discovered that what’s making me feel confident is having the exact opposite effect on him. It’s like he’s waiting for the proverbial other shoe to drop, like he’s afraid this has been the calm before a very big storm. That particular fear, I’m coming to realize, is part of the psychology of disability.

All I can do is be with him and support him however he needs me to. He doesn’t expect me to try to understand what he’s going through, because he and I both know I never can. He says what he needs most is my empathy and patience and gentleness, and I’ve promised him he’ll always have that.

I glanced at him and he was gazing back at me, still smiling. I said, “Do you want to get up and see what I got you for your birthday, or would you rather just lie here for a while?”

“Lie here,” he said. “I already have what I want for my birthday, all wrapped up next to me.”

“I thought you liked presents," I said.

“I do, and I’ll be happy to open it later.” He stroked my side idly. “I hope it’s something I can wear.”

“Were you peeking in the closet?”

“No.”

“Well, it is something you can wear. It’s something you told me you wanted last year at Christmas.”

“Oh!” he exclaimed. “In that case, I do want to open it now, and then I’m going to keep admiring it all day.”

“If you want it now, you have to get up.”

“No…" he whined. "Victor, that’s not fair. I think you should bring it in here, and then you can put it on me.”

I pretended to think it over, but I already knew I was going to give in. Saying no to him when he’s like that is just too hard.

“Okay, birthday boy. Stay right there. I’ll be back in a minute.”

“Thank you,” he said sweetly as I was leaving the room. “You’re the best.”

I’m telling you, my willpower is hopelessly lost with this guy around. I’m clay in his hands, no question, and I don’t think I’d ever want it any other way.

[stargazer-sims]

Journal Entry #37

previous // next // story index

__________

Victor

So far, the North Range has been an experience.

I don’t mean that in a bad way. In fact, it’s been surprisingly good. For one thing, Yuri is coping much better than I expected. I know it’s not easy for him and that he’s still not feeling the greatest, but I have to give him full credit for trying to make the best of it.

I keep telling him how brave he is and that I’m proud of him. It would’ve been so easy for him to just give in to everything he was feeling and to stay back in Maple Grove with my mom, but he’s here facing his anxiety and fear, and in my opinion he’s doing amazing.

He went fishing with me and Leo this afternoon and did pretty good for somebody who’d never tried to catch his own food before. We only had two rods among the three of us, so Yuri and I took turns with mine. I had to bait the hook for him because he wouldn't touch the worms, but even if he would have, there was no way I was letting his delicate little fingers anywhere near a sharp fish hook. Still, when I showed him how to cast the line, he caught on quickly, and the steady way he handled the reel was impressive for a beginner.

Naturally, I took a picture of him with his first catch. It was a tiny one that we had to put back, but he was fine with that. He was so proud of himself and could hardly wait for me to post the photo on Instagram for everyone to see. He didn’t get the biggest fish of the day, but we did keep one that he caught, and he excitedly told Ellie all about it while she was cooking our catch for dinner.

I don’t know what happened between Yuri and Ellie this morning, but something definitely did because I’ve noticed a big change in the way they’re interacting with each other now. All I know for sure is that they went for a walk around the lake after their trip to the bath shack. Yuri was exhausted when they got back. He seemed a little bit stressed and was super clingy for a while afterward, but he’s okay now and he and Ellie are getting along like a house on fire, as my Grandma Lydia would've said.

I’m happy about it because up till this weekend, I’d been worried that Yuri didn’t really want to be friends with Ellie and Leo. I’m still not sure he wants to be friends with Leo, to be honest, but Leo can be a bit much for a regular person to handle, so if an introvert like Yuri finds him overwhelming, it’s understandable. Plus, Leo treats him like he’s a little kid, and he doesn't like it. It’s different when I baby him. He knows I take him seriously despite how much I fuss over him and do things for him, but I’m not entirely convinced Leo actually sees him as a fully-functioning adult.

Eventually, I’ll have to talk to Leo about it. I need to wait for the right opportunity though, and I don’t think this weekend is going to be it. As it happened, Leo had his own stuff to talk about this morning, and it was serious enough that I was willing to wait to discuss my own concerns.

After our bath in the frigid lake, we got dressed in layers and then decided to build up the fire and warm ourselves a bit. Yuri and Ellie were elsewhere, no doubt enjoying a warmer bath than we’d had, so it was just Leo and me at our campsite.

I was debating whether I wanted a snack or whether I could wait until Yuri and Ellie came back and the four of us would have brunch together. Leo was doing something in his tent, most likely looking for his allergy medication which he’s constantly forgetting.

He emerged after a couple of minutes, looking disgruntled. He trotted over to where I was sitting by the fire and demanded. “Move your butt, Nelson. I’m freezing.”

I laughed. “You could say please.”

“Please,” he obliged. “I need to sit by that fire too, you know.”

I moved over to make space for him. “Did you find your pills?"

“Yeah,” he said. “Stupid pills. They were in a different pocket of my bag than I thought. I wish they could invent an antihistamine that you didn’t have to take in a tablet form every day. It’d be so much simpler if I could, like, give myself a shot once a month or something.”

“You hate needles," I pointed out.

“I also hate trying to keep track of those stupid tablets. It wouldn’t kill me if I stopped taking them, but I’d miss being able to play with my dogs and going outside with pollen and spores and whatever. I just wish it wasn’t so inconvenient.”

“It could be worse,” I said. “You could have to take as many medications as Yuri does, and he can’t stop taking any of his. If he did, it’d be way more than inconvenient. Sometimes he’s really ill even with all his meds. I don’t want to imagine what he’d be like without them.”

“How can a person even be that sick at his age?” Leo wanted to know. "That's not normal."

“He was a premature baby," I said. "Like, thirty weeks, which is super early. We might've had the same birthday if he'd been born on time. A year apart, but you know... same month and day, possibly."

"Isn't his birthday around the end of September?"

"Twentieth of September."

"And yours is December second," Leo said. "Holy crap."

"Yeah, so you can see how it happened. Like, if everything doesn’t get a chance to develop the way it’s supposed to before the baby comes out, then people can have have problems their whole lives.”

“That sucks,” Leo said. “And you’re stuck taking care of him.”

“Don’t make it sound like it’s a big hassle,” I said. “I want to take care of him. It’s not easy, and I’d be lying if I said he’s not a handful sometimes, but I’m not doing it because I feel obligated.”

He shook his head. "I could not do that."

“Not everybody could.”

“You’re a legit superhero, dude.”

“No, I’m not,” I said. “It’s just that I love him unconditionally. How I feel doesn’t change whenever things get bad. You know how you promise ‘for better or for worse’? That’s what it means.”

“I still can’t believe you’re married,” Leo said.

I smiled. “You know what? Every once in a while, I have to remind myself too. I'm still getting used to it."

"What's it like? Being married, I mean. Was it like... I don't know. Did you cross some invisible threshold or something? Is it different on the other side?"

"Not really," I said. "I mean, it was a pretty big moment, but our relationship really hasn't changed."

"Really?"

“Really," I confirmed. "We were already exactly where we wanted to be. Getting married was more a formality than anything, as far as we’re concerned.”

“Huh,” was all he said. “Interesting.”

I stared into the fire, considering what I’d said. Had marriage changed us? I was sure it hadn’t, at least not significantly. I have to admit there’s a certain emotional security in being able to refer to Yuri as my husband and in hearing him refer to me as his, but fundamentally, our relationship is the same as it it’d been before we said our vows.

We’ll change and grow together over time, regardless. How our relationship looks five or ten or twenty years from now won’t be the same as it looks right now, but I’m positive our impromptu courthouse wedding will have far less impact on it than the things we’ll learn about each other, the decisions we’ll make, and the experiences we’ll go through.

We didn’t need rings or vows to build our life together as a couple. We already had all we needed for that; him and me, a lot of hard-won faith and trust, and a fierce determination never to give up on one another.

“Hey,” Leo’s voice broke into my contemplation. “Can I ask you something?”

“Sure,” I said.

“It’s going to be strange.”

“Since when have I had a problem with you asking me strange questions?”

“No, this is really going to be awkward," he said.

I turned slightly to look at him. “You know if you pull off a Band-Aid really fast, it hurts less?”

“Yeah.”

“Just come out with it, Leo. Rip off that Band-Aid."

He heaved a huge sigh and glanced away from me for a second. “Okay,” he said. “Here it comes. Would it be weird if me and Ellie were like, a couple?”

“You and Ellie?” I repeated.

“I told you it was gonna be awkward.”

“Maybe it’d be a little weird," I conceded.

“Yeah," he said. "That’s what I thought.”

“It wouldn’t be a bad kind of weird," I amended. "It’d just take some getting used to. Why are you asking, though? Is this hypothetical, or…?”

“I guess it’s sort of hypothetical since I haven’t said anything to anybody yet,” Leo said. “But it’s sort of not hypothetical because I think I might be in love with her.”

“Seriously?”

“Yeah,” he said. He picked up one of the sticks we’d discarded the night before and started poking at the fire with it. “I didn’t even know it was happening. That’s the crazy part. I figured there’d be this big buildup or something, but it just occurred to me one night at her place while I was watching her eat a slice of pizza.”

I laughed. “Yeah, it’s like that.”

“So, it’s normal?”

“I have no idea what’s normal,” I said. “All I know is, I didn’t go through any kind of mental process of falling in love with Yuri. I mean, I saw the potential pretty early on, but I didn’t keep thinking 'I wonder if I’m in love with him yet’ or whatever. One day I just realized I was.”

“How did you know?” he asked.

“He sent me this video he made of himself playing the violin, and I was laying in my bed and watching it. At the end of the video, he put his violin down, leaned in close to the camera and said good night with this sweet little smile. There wasn’t anything exceptional or special about it, but I remember thinking how happy it made me feel, and how my life wouldn’t be the same if I didn’t get to hear his voice every day." I offered a half-shrug, frustrated that I couldn't articulate it better. "I don’t know if that makes sense. I suck at explaining stuff.“

"No, it’s cool. I think I get it. My life wouldn’t be the same without a lot of people, but this would be like next-level not the same. Like you’d be missing a part of yourself.”

“Yeah,” I said. “Yuri is almost always the first person I think about every day. Not in a creepy, obsessive way, but like, whenever anything happens, he’s the first person I want to tell about it. And I have this overwhelming need to take care of him and keep him safe from everything, and… I don’t know. This feels like a super weird conversation.”

“You’ve never told anybody about this before?” Leo inquired.

“Not like this,” I admitted. “I’ve told lots of people I love him, but right now I feel like I’m giving you relationship advice or something, and I’m not usually the one who gives advice.”

“Yeah, it’s usually Ellie who gives the advice.”

“She’s the mature one.”

“Ugh… maturity. Who wants to grow up?”

“Good call,” I said. “Growing up is scary as hell. Zero out of five stars. Would not recommend.”

“But you make it look so easy,” he said.

“Only because I’ve got Yuri to help me,” I told him. “You know it’s true love when you’re stressed out about some part of adulting you think you can’t handle and you’re ugly crying on the floor in the middle of the hallway, and your partner doesn’t judge.”

“That’s probably not a great benchmark for me and Ellie. She’d laugh her ass off if she saw me crying, and then she’d tell me to get over it.”

“True,” I said. “You guys probably wouldn’t be as emotional and needy as me and Yuri. Or what did Uncle JP call us? Touchy-feely.”

Leo laughed. “I think the full phrase was 'touchy-feely gay boys’.”

“Which is kind of hilarious since only Yuri is technically gay. But I’m not sure if gay even applies when you’re asexual. Romantic orientation is different than sexuality, right?"

"I guess?" he said. "You're probably asking the wrong person. Like, I can recognize a cute boy when I see one, but I'm way too into girls to be anything but straight."

"Fair enough," I said. "At least that's something you won't have to explain to Uncle JP."

“Uncle JP isn’t big on nuance.”

“A lot of people don’t really get it anyway, even after we explain it,” I said. “I think Mom thinks I was secretly gay the whole time I was dating Savannah, Katie and Jenna. You know, dating women to hide it or something.”

“I remember Katie. She was the older one with the awesome boob job,” Leo said. “I still can’t get over the fact that you hooked up with a university senior when you were only nineteen.”

“I showed her my medals. She was impressed.”

“I’ll bet it wasn’t just your medals she was impressed by," he said.

“Probably not, but the feeling wasn’t mutual.”

“Too bad. That woman was seriously hot.”

“She was the one who put her tongue In my mouth and then laughed at me when I got scared and started crying,” I said. “She broke up with me a week later because she heard me having a panic attack in the bathroom after we slept together.”

“That's what happened?" he said. "You never told me that before."

“Maybe 'cause it was embarrassing?" I responded. "Anyway, it was more likely she broke it off because I told her I thought I might be asexual and that I didn’t want to sleep with her any more."

“So, the moral of the story is ‘never judge a woman by her boobs’?”

“Dude, if you ever actually judge people based on their boobs, we’re no longer friends,” I said. “I’m not joking. That’s literally disgusting.”

“What can I say? I really like boobs.”

“Boobs aren’t a reliable indicator about whether a person will be good for you or not. Besides, it shouldn’t be about bodies anyway. That’s just objectifying people.”

“I know,” he said. “Great boobs are the icing, not the cake.”

I shook my head, laughing. "God help us.”

He held out his hands in a gesture of feigned confusion. “What?”

“Maybe you and Ellie should be together,” I said. “You know how she’s always on the lookout for cute men with nice abs.”

“My abs are invisible to her,” he lamented. “I mean, I had it all out there this morning, but I might as well have been wearing my snowsuit, for all the attention she paid me. Meanwhile, Yuri was staring at you like you were the icing and the cake, and you guys aren’t even into naked bodies.”

“Actually," I said. "We’re very much into each other’s body. We have our ways of satisfying each other.”

He looked intrigued. “Yeah?”

“Don’t even ask, because I’m not going to describe it.”

“Do I look like I’m going to ask you to describe it?”

“Yes,” I said.

“Sorry.” He had enough class to look embarrassed. “But how do you get it on when you’re asexual? Like, how is it satisfying if you don’t do… it?”

“Nobody has to insert their body parts into anybody else’s body parts to have a good time,” I said. “There are other ways of getting there. Use your imagination.”

“Ohh…” he said, and judging by his facial expression, his imagination was equal to the challenge. “And you can get all the way to the finish line with... I don't know. Your hands?”

“If we’re really in the mood, yeah.”

“Huh,” he said. “You learn something new every day.”

I laughed. “I guess so.”

What I didn’t tell Leo is that Yuri and I had only recently discovered we could get to the finish line, as he put it, or at least that Yuri can get me to it. Yuri isn’t comfortable with me touching him there. He used to be reluctant to touch me in that particular spot, but we were both feeling brave and adventurous and one thing had led to another, as they say. I doubt we’ll be making it a frequent occurrence, but it's nice to know I can experience that intense pleasure without having all kinds of negative feelings about it afterward.

“So, can we get back to me and Ellie for a second?” Leo said. “You have to help me figure this out.”

“What’s to figure out?” I said. “If you love her like that, you should say something.”

“But, what if she doesn’t love me like that?”

“If you don’t talk to her about it, how are you going to know?”

“Yeah, but what if I totally embarrass myself? Or what if she does love me but it doesn’t work out for some reason? We could never go back to how we are now. It’d break up the team forever.”

“You have to decide if it’s worth the risk,” I said. “What if it would’ve worked out, but you missed the opportunity?”

“I don’t know,” he said. “It seems like too big of a risk to me.”

“Then maybe you’re not ready yet.”

“How am I supposed to know when I’m ready?”

“Dude, I don’t know,” I said. “I suppose when you’re ready, you won’t have to ask whether you’re ready or not.”

“Well, how did you know you were ready?” he asked. “When you realized you were in love with Yuri, how long did you wait before you told him?”

“I accidentally told him the next day,” I said. “We were hanging up from a phone call and I said something like 'love you’ without even thinking about it,” I smiled at the memory. “He called me back about fifteen seconds later, just to ask me to repeat what I’d said. He got really excited. It was adorable.”

“Did he say he loved you too?”

“He did. I was already crying like an idiot, and when he said he’d known for a while and had been waiting for me to say it first, I kind of fell apart. I didn’t know it was possible to be that happy and that upset at the same time. It was suddenly killing me that we were ten thousand kilometres away from each other.”

“But you guys were long-distance for like, three years or something.”

“Yeah, and sometimes it was torture. I kept myself busy learning Japanese and hoarding all my money so I’d eventually be ready to go there,” I said. “You and Ellie are lucky. Neither of you has to immigrate.”

“I’m glad about that. I don’t think I’d have the guts to do what you did.”

“I didn’t think I could do it either, honestly,” I confessed. “It’s still a struggle to be away from here, but being with Yuri is worth it.”

“Maybe you should move back.”

“Don’t think I haven’t thought about it,” I said. “I really want to, but there’s a lot to consider. It’s not as easy as just hopping on a plane.”

“Yeah, I know, but it’d be awesome if we could all be together again,” Leo said. “It might not be exactly like old times, but it’d sure be a hell of a lot better than it is without you here. And we could get to know Yuri and maybe he could be part of the team too.”

“He’s already part of the team,” I said.

“Nominally.”

“No, not nominally. He is part of it. If he’s not, then I’m not.”

Leo stared at me like I’d just said something utterly shocking. “You’d literally break up the team for him?”

“That’s the last thing I want,” I said. “I never want to make that choice, but if I had to, I’d choose him.”

“You’ve only known him for five years.”

“I know what you’re going to say. I’ve known him for five years, and I’ve known you and Ellie forever. But it doesn’t matter how long I’ve known him. He’s my husband and I love him, and he comes ahead of anyone else.” I looked directly into his face. “Would you put Ellie ahead of everyone else, including me?”

I could see his discomfort written all over his features. I think he tried to hold my gaze, but after a second he looked away. “I don’t know, dude. That’s a really big ask. I’d hate to make that choice.”

“I’m not asking if you’d like it. I’m asking if you’d be willing to do it if you had to,” I said. “I wouldn’t expect it to be easy or for you to enjoy it. It’d tear me to pieces to have to choose between Yuri and anyone else I love, but I know what I’d do if it was necessary.”

“I don’t know what I’d do,” he said. “Do you think that means I don’t actually love her?”

“No,” I said. “I think it means you need to think about it a little bit and you know, decide what your priorities are.”

“Priorities?”

“Being in love with somebody isn’t just about being in love with them. There’s responsibilities and stuff. You have to take care of them and think about their best interests and figure out how to communicate and solve problems together.”

“Sounds like work,” Leo said.

“It is, but look what you get out of it.”

We were quiet for a while, and Leo started poking around in the fire with his stick again.

"It’s weird,” he said at last.

“What?” I said.

“You’re different than you were when you left. It’s still you, obviously, but you know stuff now.”

“It’s called 'becoming an adult’,” I said, recalling what Yuri had told me when I’d been worrying out loud about how much I thought I’d changed. “It’s not fun, but I’m pretty sure we all have to do it eventually, despite how much we joke about not wanting to.”

“Yeah.”

“Try not to stress about it.”

“Easier said than done," he said.

“I know," I agreed. "But you can always talk to me, or your dad or Julian. Talk to Ellie too. If you guys really are going to get together, you need to learn how to share stuff and figure out how to grow up together.”

“Do you think me and Ellie could really be together?”

I tried to envision a future in which Leo and Ellie were together like Yuri and me, and to my amazement, it didn’t seem to be that big of a mental stretch. It would take some adjustment on the part of all of us if it became a reality, but I could see us navigating that. Maybe it wouldn’t be the smoothest transition, but I reasoned that you can never reach the destination without making the journey first, and there’s no such thing as a road with no bumps or cracks at all. After some time, the situation would seem normal and we’d all be fine.

“Only you and Ellie can know for sure if you could,” I said. “But I don’t see why not.”

“Thanks,” he said. “If there are any developments, I’ll let you know, okay?”

I grinned at him. “I’d be surprised if you didn’t tell me. When have we not shared too much information with each other?”

“I hope things don’t change too much,” he said.

“You’ve got to expect a little bit of change,” I told him. “But yeah, I hear you. Change is hard, and it’d be great if things would level off for a bit. But with you and Ellie, though? I can’t see a whole lot changing right away. It’s not a magic spell when you tell somebody you love them. It might feel like one for a minute, but trust me, you’ll have time to ease into it.”

“I hope it doesn’t change the team too much either.”

“Me too,” I said. “Try not to dwell on it. That’ll just hold you back from what you really want.”

“What I really want,” he echoed. “You ever have a fantasy about a house and a minivan and a bunch of kids?”

“The house, yeah. Not so much the minivan and the kids. Yuri would hate having to drive a minivan, and neither of us are crazy about the idea of kids. We’ve got other dreams.”

“Mine’s about kids,” Leo said. “Three or four would be awesome. It’s probably stupid, 'cause I don’t even know if Ellie wants any, but…”

“Don’t get ahead of yourself,” I said. “Maybe just tell her how you feel, first.���

He shook his head and laughed in a sort of self-mocking way. “Right.”

“You got this,” I assured him. “You’ll know when the time is right, and you’ll do it, and it won’t be as terrifying as you think. It’ll be fine”

“I wish you could promise me that.”

“You really don’t need me to," I said. "If she feels the same way you do, you’ll wonder why you were ever worried in the first place.”

“And if she doesn’t?”

“Then, you try to move on. But if you want my guess, I’d say you’ll be okay.”

“Do you know something I don’t?” he asked.

“No,” I said. “I just think you guys would be good for each other. Plus, Yuri says I’m a hopeless romantic, so maybe I want everybody I care about to have the happily ever after they deserve.”

He punched my shoulder playfully. “You’re such an idiot, Victor.”

“Maybe, but I know what I’m talking about.”

“I’m glad you do,” he said. “Joking aside, I really needed this, so thanks a lot.”

“You’re welcome,” I said. “That’s what best friends are for, right? Remember I’ll always be here for you, no matter what happens.”

[stargazer-sims]

Journal Entry #36 (part two)

previous // next // story index

__________

Yuri

Ellie and I walked a short distance along the shore of the lake until we came to a spot where the earth had been levelled, and where two big logs that had been carved into benches were placed facing the water. It didn’t seem like it’d be particularly comfortable, but I reasoned that it was far better than sitting on the ground.

Ellie waved me forward, as if she was inviting me into her home. “Have a seat.”

I lowered myself onto one of the log benches, and Ellie dropped down beside me. I could tell she was more at ease with the lake in front of her, but her body language told me that she was far from relaxed. I had no idea what she planned to tell me, and I’ll confess that I wasn’t entirely certain I wanted to know.

Something about her and Victor, she’d said. The only thing that reassured me was that I was fairly confident she wasn’t going to say she and Victor had been together in the past. I know about all his former partners - Savannah, Katie and Jenna - and I doubted he’d intentionally leave Ellie off that list if he actually had been with her, especially considering she's still so conspicuously in his life. Besides, he’s already assured me more than once that he’s never felt that way about Ellie. She’s more like a sister or a cousin to him.

She pulled her phone out of her pocket and began tapping on it. I assumed she was texting Leo or Victor to tell them we’d be a while. I slid my own phone out and sent a message to Victor to say I was with Ellie and I was fine. I finished it with a purple heart emoji and the number 113, our secret code for 'I love you'.

His quick response was, "Text if you need me!" and a hug emoji along with our code. I could tell he was worried, and that made me worry more too.

I slipped my phone into the pocket of my jacket again and turned toward Ellie. She was staring down at her phone, but I noticed that the screen was off.

“So,” I said awkwardly. “Here we are.”

“Here we are,” she echoed.

“You wanted to talk to me.”

“Yeah.” She placed her phone down between us on the bench and then linked her fingers together in a gesture that seemed to indicate she was nervous. “Look, I have no clue how to start, but I feel like we need to do this, so I’m just going to plunge in.”

“Okay.”

“I’m sorry if me being friends with Victor is a problem for you. I don’t want it to be, but…” She sighed and gestured vaguely. “We’ve been friends literally our whole lives. I don’t think we can stop.”

"It’s okay that you’re friends with him,” I said. “I don’t want him to not have friends.”

“He told me it bothers you when he and I hug each other and stuff."

"It does."

"I should’ve figured it would," she said. "The thing is, Victor and Leo and I are so used to being affectionate with each other that I didn’t even think of it. I’m sorry if we upset you. I guess from your point of view, it must’ve been pretty hard to watch.“

“It was, but I appreciate you apologizing,” I said. “I told him he could still hug you. It’s the other touching I really don’t like. Holding hands or putting your arms around each other while you’re sitting on the sofa. Things like that.”

“I’m sorry,” she said. “I’ll try not to touch him from now on, but we might both forget sometimes.”

“It’s fine, as long as you’re both trying.”

“Victor and I are complicated,” she said.

“I gathered as much.”

“I love him.”

I smiled in spite of myself. “I know.”

She looked up, her expression startled. “You… know? And you’re not mad?”

"Should I be angry? You’re not in love with him, are you?”

“No,” she said.

“Victor loves a lot of people,” I said. “Maybe I shouldn’t assume anything, but I assume the people he loves most are people like him. People with big hearts, who aren’t truly happy unless they’re giving something of themselves to others.”

“That sounds like Victor.”

“It’d be ridiculous for me to get angry with him for surrounding himself with people who love him and make him happy, or to get angry with you for loving him when he’s so open to being loved. I can admit to being jealous, but I’d like to think I’m not unreasonable.”

“I guess I can understand you being jealous,” she said. “Someone who didn’t know us might think there was something going on. But, maybe they’d think the same thing about me and Leo, so… I don’t know. Like I said, it’s complicated.”

“As long as there’s nothing actually going on, there won’t be any problems,” I said. “Nothing between you and Victor, I mean. It’s none of my business if you have something with Leo.”

“That dumbass,” she grumbled, but I didn’t miss the way her face suddenly turned red. “It’s his fault for making me like him.”

“You mean Leo?” I asked.

“Yeah, that idiot. If he makes us ruin our friendship, I’ll never forgive him. I almost did that with Victor, and I won’t let Leo do it with me.”

I frowned, confused. “What do you mean?”

“I told you that I’m not in love with Victor, and I promise I’m not,” she said. “But there may have been a time when I thought I was.”

“Maybe you should explain,” I said.

“That was the plan, but It might take a while to explain the whole thing.”

“We’ve got all day.”

“Okay,” she said. She began to fidget, picking the skin at the edge of her thumbnail. “I suppose I should start with Jacob. He used to be a friend of ours from school. Has Victor ever told you about Jacob?”

“Not a lot,” I said. “He’s mentioned Jacob along with a few of his friends from high school to me before. Davian, Chloë, Sam and Abigail, but he’s never said a lot about them, and I got the impression he doesn’t speak to them much any more.”

“I think he still speaks to Chloë and Davian, at least online. None of us are in contact with Abigail or Sam now, and I know for sure he definitely doesn’t speak to Jacob. He didn’t tell you anything about why he and Jacob aren’t friends any more?”

“No, he didn’t, but I assumed it was some sort of argument.”

“It wasn’t just an argument,” she said. “Victor was protecting me from Jacob.”

“Why?”

“Because Jacob is a disgusting piece of trash, and you know how Victor is. He’s a protector. It hurts him when he sees people he loves being hurt, and he always feels like he has to figure out a way to do something about it.”

That was certainly true. I’d seen Victor demonstrate that particular aspect of his personality on my behalf more than once, sometimes to his own detriment.

I wanted to ask Ellie why Victor thought he had to protect her from Jacob, and what it was about him that made him disgusting. What had happened that was serious enough to cause Victor to stop speaking to his friend? I was curious, but I was also hesitant to prompt Ellie to elaborate. Perhaps she didn’t want to say too much, and maybe the details of Victor and Jacob’s disagreement weren’t even relevant to the story in any case.

As it turned out, I didn’t need be concerned about seeming nosy, because after a prolonged pause in which Ellie dug at the edge of her thumbnail a bit more, she resumed talking.

“It was the summer most of us were eighteen. We thought summer was kind of magical because me, Victor and Leo were the same age for a few months,” she said. “Leo and Victor graduated from high school that summer. Davian and Abigail too. Chloë graduated the year before, and Sam and Jacob were in my year. Anyway, we all went to this party to celebrate graduation, and I think half the kids from our whole high school were there. Jacob and I had a crush on each other, and we were flirting a bit and everything was going along great… until it wasn’t.”

At that point, it seemed acceptable to ask a suitably generic, “What happened?”

“There are parts of it I’m still not a hundred percent sure about,” she said. "I asked Jacob to hold my drink while I went to the bathroom. When I came back, I finished it, but then I started feeling sick. I couldn’t find Leo or Davian anywhere, and Victor was off in a corner with Savannah, his girlfriend, so Jacob said he’d take me home."

"Did he?"

"Eventually," she said. "I got into his car and we started heading in the direction of my house, but then I fell asleep or blacked out or something. The next thing I remember, it was a few hours later and I was waking up in the back seat with my dress on inside out and my underpants on the floor.”

I stared at her, and my shock must’ve been written all over my expression. “Did he…?” I began, but I had to stop and take a deep breath. I couldn’t bring myself to finish the question.

She nodded slowly. “It was pretty obvious what he did. Of course he denied it, and I was too freaked out by the whole situation to say anything to anybody until a couple months later, when I realized I missed my period for the second time in a row. Then I lost my mind. I was about to start twelfth grade, and I thought I was pregnant.”

“What did you do?”

“I honestly didn’t know what to do,” she said. “I told Victor everything, and he convinced me to tell my dad. He said he was sure Dad would be supportive, and he was right. Dad would’ve stood by me no matter what.”

“I’m glad he convinced you, and I’m really glad your father was supportive," I said.

I thought of my own father and imagined his reaction if I’d ever tried to tell him what happened between me and Ren. I doubt he would’ve believed me, much less supported me. I was genuinely grateful to know that Ellie didn’t have to endure the same isolation and hopelessness that I did, and that she had people around her who didn’t make her feel weak or careless or that she was to blame for what happened to her.

“Dad took me to the doctor,” she continued. “It turned out I wasn’t pregnant. It was a benign tumor on one of my ovaries, and I needed surgery. It was so surreal, being happy about needing an operation, but I was relieved that all I was going to lose was an ovary and not my whole future.”

"That’s…" I began, but once again halted before completing the thought. "I... I don’t even know what to say to that.”

“There’s not much anyone can say.” She poked at the ground in front of her with the toe of her boot. “Anyway, my surgery wasn’t the end of the story, as you probably already figured out.“

"Yes,” I said.

“While all that was going on, Victor confronted Jacob,” she said. “Victor hates confrontation, so you know that was a huge deal for him. I don’t know everything they said to each other, 'cause I wasn't there, but I know there was a fight and it was pretty one-sided.”

"A physical fight?"

"Yeah."

“I’m guessing it wasn’t Victor who started it.”

“Victor doesn’t really fight,” she said.

I bit my lower lip, remembering the bruises on Victor’s back and shoulder after the incident with Ren at the fitness center. “You’re right. But, what happened?"

"The way I understood it, Jacob took offense to Victor not minding his own business. I think he was trying to force him to not tell anyone what he knew."

"Oh."

“He came over to my house with a black eye, and he cried for about half an hour straight while I held him. I have no idea who was supposed to have been comforting who, but he promised me that Jacob would never come near me again, so I guess it was him who was taking care of me.”

“How did he convince Jacob to stay away from you?”

“He said he’d go straight to the police if he ever found out Jacob so much as tried to talk to me,” Ellie said. “I begged him not to. I didn’t want the police involved. As far as I know, Victor never said a word to anyone, but I guess the threat was enough for Jacob. 'cause he’s a total coward.”

I was almost at the point of asking why she hadn’t wanted to involve the police, but then I realized I knew the answer. It was shame and fear and self-doubt, and worry that reporting to the police would add a layer of difficulty to an already unspeakably difficult situation.

“I understand,” I said, because I was sure I did. Maybe not the part about my abuser being a coward, since I don’t believe Ren is the least bit afraid of law enforcement, but I certainly grasped the desire to keep the ugly truth hidden from nearly everyone, the desire not to be labelled as a victim, or something worse.

Ellie studied me for what felt like a full minute, but what was in reality only a handful of seconds. I felt like she was assessing me; judging whether I meant what I said or whether it was only a platitude.

Finally she said, “Yeah. I think maybe you do.”

“I don’t talk about it,” I said. “About… him. About what he did.”

“I get that," she said. "I’m not expecting you to tell me anything. I’m just glad you know what I’m talking about. Not that I’m happy you had to go through something, but… you know.”

“I know,” I said. “It’s a relief to know you aren’t the only one.”

Up to that moment, I’d never met anybody else who’d experienced anything like I had. On an intellectual level, I understand there are many people in similar situations, but recognizing the fact that those others exist isn’t at all the same as having a conversation with someone who’d lived through it themselves. As perverse as it may sound, it actually was reassuring to have some real confirmation that it wasn’t just me.

“Sometimes it feels like nobody gets it,” Ellie said. “Even the people who love you most don’t get it, as much as they’re desperate to help you.”

“My mother didn’t understand. She loves me more than anyone, but I think she thought it was my fault in a way. Like, if I’d done something different in the relationship, he wouldn’t have kept hurting me.”

“It wasn’t your fault,” Ellie said.

“I know that now, but I didn’t while it was happening. I thought if I tried harder to please him and to do everything he wanted, eventually it would get better. But it didn’t, and…” I looked away from her. “I’m sorry. I… I’m not really okay talking about this. It’s…”

I think she was reaching for my hand, but she pulled her arm back at the last moment, her fingers just centimeters from mine. “It’s fine. You don’t have to. I’m sorry if you feel like I made you talk about it.”

“No, it’s not that.” I tried to smile, but I’m sure it fell completely flat and likely came off as more of a grimace. I drew in a deep breath and released it in a long, slow exhale. “It’s… you just want to forget about it. Erase the memories somehow and make it all go away. Pretend like it never even happened.”

She nodded. “Yeah, that’s exactly it, but I couldn’t make it go away. I ended up seeing a therapist for a while. That helped a lot, but mostly it was my dad and Victor and Grace who got me through it. Things were kind of weird between me and Victor for a while after, though.”

“Weird in what way?”

“Victor was really protective of me for a few months after it happened. Like, super extra protective. Savannah actually broke up with him because he was constantly calling and texting me to check where I was and whether I was okay. That’s when I thought I felt something for him other than just being friends, and then I kind of panicked.”

“Did anything happen?”

“Other than me completely stressing and freaking out, you mean? No.” She laughed, but there was no humour in it. It was the sort of noise people make when they’re trying to be self-deprecating. “I never told Victor about it. I almost did, but I changed my mind at the last minute."

"Why?"

"Scared, I guess," she said. "To be honest, my feelings were all over the place. On one hand, I was loving the attention and the idea that maybe we were both into each other, but on the other hand, I was afraid because I didn’t want to wreck our friendship. I mean, Jacob and I had been friends, and as soon as things started crossing the line into the romantic area, look how that went.”

“Victor would never have hurt you,” I said.

“No, but I wasn’t thinking clearly enough at the time to rationalize that. Besides, I think I was more concerned that if we got together and then we broke up, we could never go back to the way we were before. I love him too much to lose him over a stupid crush.”

“And now you’re worried about that with Leo.”

“Yeah,” she said. “Except it might not be just infatuation with Leo. Kind of dumb, right?”

“I don’t think so,” I said.

“Anyway,” she said. “I wasn’t really in love with Victor at all, so it was a good thing I never mentioned it. Once everything more or less settled down and I was thinking straight, I realized I was more in love with the idea of having a knight in shining armour coming to my rescue rather than being in love with the actual person.”

“Well, Victor is quite good at being a knight in shining armour,” I said. “I have to say, that is a very attractive quality in a man. Who wouldn’t want to be sheltered and protected by someone like him?”

Unexpectedly, Ellie snorted a laugh. “Victor was right.”

I frowned at her reaction. “About what?”

“I told him I wouldn’t like it if somebody constantly tried to shelter me from every little thing, but he said you love it when he protects you and makes a fuss over you.”

“I do,” I admitted, feeling heat creep up my neck and face. “But I don’t see why you’re laughing. You said you liked it, and now you’re saying you wouldn’t?”

“That one time, I did like it,” she said. “But I was immature and vulnerable, and I think we all had our fantasies at the time. Now, I’d just find it annoying.”

“Oh.”

“Victor ended up with the right person,” she said. “He would’ve been frustrated with me for being too independent. He needs someone who makes him feel needed, and it’s obvious how much he wants to take care of you, so I’d say it all worked out for the best. He and I are much better as friends.”

“Thank you for telling me all this,” I said.

“I wanted to make sure there was no misunderstanding between us,” she said. “I don’t even remember a time when Victor wasn’t in my life, and we’ve been through a lot of really difficult things together. I can only imagine how hard it must’ve been for you, knowing we’ve got all this history and not understanding what we mean to each other.”

“I appreciate it.”

“I just wanted to tell you because I don’t want you to think you have to compete with me.” She smiled slightly. “There’s no contest. I’ll never stop loving him, but you’re the one he belongs to.”

“Thank you," I said.

“Don’t thank me,” she said. “Thank yourself. You’re the one who won him over and somehow managed to domesticate him.”

“I wouldn’t say he’s domesticated yet,” I said. “He’s turned into a great cook for me, and he can do his own laundry now, but he’s a long way from civilized.”

She grinned. “You may have to teach me your ways, sensei. I’m almost a hundred percent sure Leo can’t cook or do laundry, so I may have an uphill climb to get him domesticated.”

“I find positive reinforcement works,” I said. “Other than that, I don’t know how I can help, but feel free to ask in any case.”

“So, if you’re offering me free man-training advice, does this mean we can be friends?”

This time, my smile came a lot more easily. “I think we can,” I said. “I’d like that, and I know Victor would too. He was worried that I didn’t want to be friends with you.”

“I wouldn’t have blamed you if you didn’t.” she said.

“I like you,” I assured her. “I want to be your friend. I’m just not very good at it.”

“Making friends? I wouldn’t underestimate yourself if I were you. I don’t know what kind of people you tried to be friends with in the past, but if they didn’t appreciate you, that’s their loss. Personally, I think you’ll be a great friend.”

“A member of the team?” I asked hesitantly.

“Absolutely,” she said.

We sat in companionable quietness for a while after that.

I wished I had the words to express everything I was feeling. Ellie was correct when she’d said it wouldn’t be an easy conversation. It hadn’t been, but I conceded that it’d been necessary. I felt better about Victor’s relationship with Ellie now that I understood more about it, and I was encouraged by the fact that she didn’t view me as a competitor. I'm still not completely ready to trust her, but that's more my shortcoming than hers.

As for the other things she’d revealed to me, I’ll confess I was shaken by that. The last thing I’d expected was for her to share such a deeply personal and traumatic piece of her life with me.

In a way, I'm grateful to her for telling me because I’d felt alone in my experience for the longest time, but another part of me doesn’t want to be burdened with such terrible knowledge. I'm still processing my own fear, shame and pain. How could I be expected to carry the weight of her secret as well as my own? The entire thing is almost too much to take in, if I'm being completely truthful.

At last, Ellie stood up. She didn’t say anything, but she held out her hand to me. I hesitated for a heartbeat or two, but then I swallowed my misgivings and placed my hand in hers. She curled her fingers around mine and helped pull me to my feet.

She released me as soon as I was fully standing, apparently mindful that I can’t tolerate prolonged contact. She gazed at me for a second and then, inexplicably, she offered me a grin that seemed born of pure mischief.

“What?” I said.

There was a playful gleam in her eyes. “You’re going to hug me some day, Yuri Okamoto-Nelson.”

I made an exasperated noise, and was tempted to retort that such a thing would never happen. But then I reminded myself that I once said I’d never hug my mother-in-law either, yet I can hug her voluntarily now.

“When you and Leo get married,“ I said. "I’ll hug you at your wedding.”

Ellie laughed out loud. “You shouldn’t have said that. You know I’m going to hold you to it, right?”

“It’s okay,” I said. “I’ll have time to work up to it, won’t I? Leo doesn’t even know you like him, so I’d say your wedding is a long way off.”

She stuck out her tongue at me. “Ugh! You’re almost as annoying as Victor, you know that?”

“Compliment accepted,” I said.

Ellie and I hiked back to our campsite in relative silence. I was feeling fatigued by the time we got there, and I couldn’t decide if it was just my body being its typically unreliable self, or if it was a combination of that and the amount of emotional energy our discussion by the lake had taken.

Victor was facing away from us as we entered our campsite. He was poking around in one of the coolers. Leo was on the other side of the site, setting up some sort of metal frame over the fire pit with a pot suspended from it.

I wondered what Leo was planning to cook in the pot, and then I remembered Ellie’s declaration that he doesn’t know how to cook. Maybe he was simply going to heat up some tinned soup. I wrinkled my nose involuntarily at the thought.

I don’t like eating food that comes from a tin, unless it’s tinned peaches. Victor usually cuts them in tiny pieces and puts them in soy yogurt for me. It’s one of the few things I can almost always manage to eat when I’m not feeling well, so we usually keep a few tins of peaches in the cupboard at all times.

I thought about reclining in bed, propped up by two or three pillows, and slowly working my way through a small bowl of peaches and yogurt. At home, I’d have my special little bowl with the kanji for my name on it; the one Victor bought online as a joke Christmas gift, but which has become my favourite. Victor might sit on the bed with me and gently coax me to eat enough to uncover the graphic of stylized gold stars at the bottom of the bowl, and I would do my best because, no matter how many times I’ve done it in the past, I’m always a little proud of myself each time for finding those stars and the hiragana that spell out “Good job!”

Maybe that was a silly fantasy to have, especially considering that I was probably going to be eating decidedly non-gourmet fare, with a plastic fork, from a disposable styrofoam plate. The North Range and its lack of sophistication was a far cry from our clean, cozy house in Matsumori. Still, I would rather be here in the grungy middle of nowhere with my Victor than to be anywhere else without him.

As soon as Ellie and I were close enough, she called out, “We’re back, boys!”

Leo paused to give us a wave and a laconic, “Hey.”

The greeting I got from Victor was much better than that. He put down whatever he’d been holding and immediately turned around. He held out his arms to me, inviting me into the embrace he must have sensed I needed. I wanted to run to him, but my body wouldn’t have been well pleased with that, so I walked as fast as I could.

“Are you okay?” Victor asked, as soon as he’d wrapped me in his arms. “I was getting kind of worried.”

“I love you,” I whispered against his chest.

“I love you too.” He rubbed my shoulder comfortingly. “What happened? Everything all right?”

I closed my eyes and held onto him for a minute, savouring the warmth of his body, and the earthy forest aroma mixed with his ubiquitous scent of coconut sunscreen.

“I’m okay,” I told him. “I’m just tired.”

“Want to take a little nap? We’re going to get started making brunch in a few minutes, but if you need to lie down for a while, it’s okay.”

“Can I sit in the camp chair and watch you cook?”

“Sure,” he said. “Whatever you want.”

“Are you going to make tea?”

“For you? Of course. I’ll bet you’ve never had tea made over a campfire before.”

“You know I haven’t,” I said.

“This’ll be an experience for you, then.”

“This entire weekend has been an experience.”

“It’s not over yet,” he said. He kissed my cheek before letting go of me. “You make yourself comfortable in your chair, and you can see how I brew campfire tea, okay?”

“Okay.”

“Leo and I are going fishing later. If you’re feeling up to it, you can come with us. I’ll even teach you how to do it if you want.”

“As long as I don’t have to kill any fish," I said.

“It’s mostly catch and release,” he responded. “If we catch a couple big ones, we’ll keep them for dinner, but I’ll tell you if we’re going to keep one so you don’t have to watch. Sound fair?”

“Yes,” I said. “That's fair. What’s Ellie going to do while we’re fishing?”

“I don’t know. She’ll probably be off looking for interesting rocks to satisfy her geology habit,” he said. “Would you rather do that?”

“It sounds like it involves crawling around on the ground.”

“Probably.”

“In that case, no. I’d rather come with you,” I said.

“Just so you know, if you come with me, you’ll have to touch worms.”

“Excuse me?” I blurted.

“The look on your face…” The look on his face said he was struggling valiantly to hold his laughter in. “The worms are bait for the fish, but you don’t have to touch them. I was only teasing. I’ll bait the hook for you.”

“Do you think I’ll be any good at fishing?” I asked.

“I’m sure you will,” he said. “Maybe you’ll even get the catch of the day. That’d be a story to tell everyone when we get back to Matsumori, wouldn’t it?”

“No one would ever believe I went fishing.”

“That’s why I’m going to take pictures and text them to everybody, with a caption on them. You know, something like 'my cute husband in the great outdoors’.”

“How about ‘I survived the North Range’."

Victor smiled. “You’re a champion for coming up here with us. I know you aren’t super thrilled about it, but I’m really proud of you for how you’re trying to make the best of it.”

“Thanks,” I said, returning his smile. “It’s not quite as bad as I thought, and I’ve found out some things I didn’t know before, so I’d say it’s been worth it so far. Just don’t expect me to make camping trips a regular occurrence.”

“What? Are you telling me you’re not into the idea of spending an entire summer here?”

“That’s not even close to being funny, Victor,” I said.

“You might change your mind a little bit when you see your first sunset over the lake.”

“Are we going to watch the sun set over the lake tonight?”

“I’m thinking me and you and that big fleece blanket from the back seat of Leo’s car,” he said. “The sunset, and then more stars than you’ve ever seen in one place in your whole life. And I’ll tell you all the romantic stuff people tell each other in books, and we’ll be able to say we kissed under the glow of the Milky Way.”

I gazed at him, taking in every detail and nuance of his face, and marvelling at how I could possibly love one person so much. “Sometimes you amaze me, you know.”

“Well, I am pretty amazing,” he said.

I wanted to say something smart in reply, but I couldn’t think of anything. He is amazing, and the more I discover about him, the truer that assertion becomes for me. Every day, he helps me grow and learn and heal, and his example inspires me to try to be a better, more compassionate human being. I don’t know if I would’ve made even half the progress I’ve made in my life over the past five years if it weren’t for him.

I wondered if Ellie could find the same happiness and peace with Leo that I’ve found with Victor. Even if Leo isn’t the one, I hope she’ll find it with somebody. She should get to know what it’s like to feel safe in the arms of another person and, even more so, for her heart and mind to be safe in that other person’s care.

Everyone deserves to be safe, happy and loved, even when we feel unlovable, even when we look at ourselves and only see something useless and broken. In Japan, we have an art called kintsugi, where artisan take shattered pottery and join the pieces together with lacquer overlaid with precious metals like gold or silver. The process takes exceptional patience and dedication from the artist, but the end result of this labour of love is something far more beautiful and intricate than the original. This may sound strange, but I'm starting to see people in a similar way. Some of us are damaged and we've forgotten how to love ourselves, and others are loving artisans who see us for what we can become and who gently shape us into something whole and new.

My wish is that every broken vessel finds their artisan and that every ugly crack will be overlaid with gold.

[stargazer-sims]

Journal Entry #8

previous // next // story index

__________

Victor

I’m so happy right now, I don’t even know where to start!

First off, I’m still on Kainani Island. Yuri said it was okay for me to keep my original flight and stay as long as I’d planned to. At first I didn’t want to stay because I missed him so badly and because I was still shaken up from what happened with the boat, but then I started thinking about all the cool stuff I hadn’t seen and done yet. Yuri said I might regret it if I came home too soon, and as much as I wanted to deny that, in hindsight I can see that he was right.

I’m going home today. My flight is just before noon, and I’ll be sleeping in my own bed tonight. I can hardly wait to see Yuri, but I’m glad I decided to stay here for the full fourteen days after all. It’s been awesome, and I’m never going to forget this experience or the new friends I’ve made here. I hope we’ll be able to see each other again in the future.

But, I’ll tell you more about the rest of my trip later, because I have news.

The main reason why I’m so happy is because Yuri told me that my mom is coming to visit us! Apparently she invited herself, which is a totally Mom thing to do, and it sounds like Yuri’s fine with it, so I’m excited. I haven’t seen my mom in person since I moved to Japan and I miss her like crazy. We video chat a lot, and we call and text, but it’s not the same as being together. We can’t hug on a video call, and I'm long overdue for Mom hugs. The first thing I’m going to do when I see her is give her the most epic hug of all time.

It’s going to be so much fun, showing her all around Matsumori Town and introducing her to our friends, and it goes without saying that we’ll spend lots of time on the mountain. Mom loves snowboarding almost as much as I do. I’ve been dying to try the climbing course the Mountain Recreation Association offers too, but I’m scared to ask Yuri to do that with me in case he gets hurt. I’ll bet Mom will go for it, though. She’s adventurous like me and she’s got the strength and the stamina to climb, if anyone I know does. I think we’ll probably go to the hot spring, and maybe she’ll stay long enough for the Festival of Snow.

Oh! Also, this might not be as interesting to you, but I’m looking forward to cooking for my mom and showing her how much I’ve improved. I know how to do my own laundry now as well. When I moved in, Yuri said he wasn’t going to do it for me because it’s an important adult skill that everyone needs to have, and he taught me to do it. Back in Maple Grove, I usually just took my laundry to Mom’s house, even though I was living in my own flat. But, it’s like I’ve been growing up a lot during this past year and a half and taking on more responsibilities, and I think Mom’s going to be really proud of me.

I guess I should say some introductory stuff about my mom for context, shouldn’t I? Her name’s Victoria Grace Nelson, but she’s always gone by Grace. She said I would’ve been named Victoria after her if I’d been born a girl, but obviously I’m a boy and so I ended up being Victor instead. Anyway, my mom is just Mom to me. She’s smart and pretty and amazing at sports, and I love her so much.

Mom is a veterinarian. She owns a veterinary clinic called Best Friends Animal Care, along with her best friend Julian Britt, who is a veterinary surgeon. Mom and Julian met in vet school, and she says they hit it off right away. Honestly, I think it’d be hard not to like Julian. He’s kind of shy and socially awkward, but the thing with him is that he really wants to get to know people and be friends. He just has trouble getting started. He was always around when I was growing up, and both him and Uncle Stephen were the positive male influences I needed as a boy being raised by a single mom.

Okay, I know you want to hear more about my trip. There’ll be lots of time when my mom is visiting for me to tell you more about her, so let me get back to Kainani Island.

Just like he promised, Mitchell introduced me to his roommate Kai and Kai’s brother Kalani. They're Alana’s cousins, coincidentally. Kai is twenty-six, only a year older than me, but he acts a lot older than that. He’s serious and doesn’t seem like he’d be very fun to hang out with. Kalani, on the other hand, definitely knows how to enjoy himself, and we decided we were going to be friends immediately. Kalani is twenty-two, and he’s still in that stage of life where its hard to know whether you’d rather be an adult or stay a kid forever. He’s hilarious and he loves to laugh and joke, and he knows everything about the island.

Along with Alana, Mitchell and Kalani have been showing me around and making sure I don’t get lost or hurt. The day after my misadventure with the outrigger, Mitchell suggested that we should do something on land and not too strenuous, so he and Kalani and I went to pick fruit. How cool is that? You’ve got to love a place where you can find free food just conveniently hanging from a tree or a plant. I enjoy fruit, but I had no idea how delicious it’d be when picked and eaten fresh from the source. Seriously, I’m going to be dreaming about those pineapples and young coconuts for months to come.

The day after our fruit-picking experience, Mitchell and I went snorkelling together. I was nervous at first, but it didn’t take me long to relax and get into it. I’ve never seen so many exotic fish in my entire life, and the plants and coral are like something from an alien world. It’s stunning, and I’m slightly envious that Mitchell gets to see this stuff every day. While we were in the water, Mitchell stayed close to me and made sure I was okay. Every time we surfaced, he asked me if I was all right, and I appreciated that. It’s too bad he’s an only child. He’d have made a great big brother for somebody.

Later that day, he took me on his boat, which is bigger than that ridiculous outrigger thing I tried to learn to sail on. I wore a life jacket, which I assumed was Mitchell’s because it was too big for me. Like, I’m a big guy and I hardly ever feel short next to anybody, but Mitchell is freakin’ huge. He’s got to be at least 195 centimetres, but possibly more, and the muscles on that guy... holy crap. If he played hockey, he’d be deadly on the blueline.

He tightened the straps on the life jacket as much as he could, but I was concerned that it was still not snug enough. Mitchell assured me it’d be fine as long as it was secure enough not to float off me if I were in the water. To test it, he tried to pull it off, and we were finally both satisfied when he couldn’t.

Mitchell’s a great sailor, and he handled his boat like he’s been doing it practically his whole life. Then again, for all I know, maybe he has. We sailed around the island to an area where no one lives, where there’s this actual, honest-to-God volcano. Mitchell said it’s inactive, but it was kind of smoking at the top, so I don’t know.

The water was all neon green and weird at the foot of the volcano. Mitchell explained that it was like that because of a certain kind of algae that thrives in the environmental conditions created by the volcano. We couldn’t sail too close to it, but I wasn’t all that disappointed. I was fine with viewing it from a distance.

Another day, when Mitchell was too busy to go with us, Kalani and I went hiking in this jungle-y area with cliffs that drop straight down to the sea. It’s beautiful there, but it’s also terrifying. In retrospect, I’m not sure why i found it scary, as heights don’t usually bother me. If there’d been snow on it, I’d drop straight over it on my snowboard.

Hidden at the base of one of the cliffs, there was a tiny waterfall. Kalani confided that it’s one of his favourite spots and that he likes to go there when he’s got something important to think about. I can see why. It’s secluded and peaceful, and certainly nobody would bother him here. He also told me that the waterfall is a spot for couples as well, and that people like to bring their significant others here for special moments together. I could totally appreciate that as well. I imagined kissing Yuri under the waterfall in the late afternoon sun, and then watching the sunset while cuddling on the beach, wrapped together in a blanket. Maybe some day we’ll get to do that.

I asked Kalani if there was anyone he wanted to bring to the waterfall.. He looked slightly embarrassed, but he said yes. The problem, he confessed, was that he didn’t think his family would approve of his choice. I could totally empathize.

As I already mentioned, Yuri’s parents aren’t my biggest fans. In fact, I’m pretty sure Yuri’s dad actually despises me. Mr. Okamoto seems to be fond of claiming that I’m a corrupting influence, which would be funny if it wasn’t so baffling and frustrating. Like, he doesn’t want Yuri to be anywhere near me, yet somehow he’s cool with Yuri hanging out with Seiji and Takahiro?

Don’t get me wrong; I like Takahiro and Seiji, and we have a lot of fun together, but Seiji is kind of an idiot. He’s a serial lover, reckless, and a little insensitive at times. I think if anyone’s the real corrupting influence, it’s him. I mean, you wouldn’t catch me drinking till I passed out, or participating in a contest to see who could have the most one night stands in a month, or crushing beer cans on my head. I have class. Well, sort of. As much class as a guy can have, growing up on the run-down side of Maple Grove and being raised by somebody who doesn’t get mad about sweaty gym clothes on the bathroom floor and lets you eat mac and cheese straight from the pot it was cooked in.

Ugh... I’m getting off-topic again. Too hyper to focus, I guess.

Yesterday was my last full day here, and I finally got to have a proper look at the shipwreck at Sailor’s Folly. Mitchell said he’d come and get me around ten o'clock, so I hung around my campsite in the morning, reading and playing on my phone a bit and relaxing in the sun.

Around 9:15, I figured that I probably had time for a swim before Mitchell showed up. I’d just stepped into the water when I heard a big splash off to my right. I looked that way in time to see Mitchell’s blond hair breaking the surface. He shook the wet hair off his face the moment his entire head was above water, and then started swimming toward my campsite. As soon as he spotted me, he raised a hand and gave me a quick wave.

“Hey, Victor!” he called out. “I’m a bit early. Hope you don’t mind.”

“It’s cool,” I said, as I waded out to meet him. “Did you come here on your boat?”

“Yeah,” he said, and gestured vaguely in the direction he’d come from. “It’s over there, anchored just around that point. The water’s too shallow to bring it all the way in here.”

“I’ll take your word for that,” I said.

“Are you ready to go exploring?”

“Yeah! But, where’s Kalani? I thought he was coming with us.”

“He is,” Mitchell said. “He had something to do this morning, but he said he’s going to meet us there.”

Kalani never seemed to be around when Mitchell and I did anything that involved water, and I wanted to ask Mitchell about it. Yuri would probably tell me to err on the side of discretion though, which is his polite way of saying I should mind my own business, so I kept my curiosity to myself. I guessed maybe Kalani can’t swim or that he’s nervous on boats. After this week, I can absolutely appreciate boat-related anxiety.

“Are we going to sail there?” I asked.

Mitchell smiled. “So, you feel the pull of the sea after all.”

“Actually,” I said. “I’d be fine if I never, ever felt the pull of the sea again. I was just wondering, since you came on your boat.”

“I prefer my boat, but we can go overland to Sailor’s Folly. It’s a prety long hike, but the sights are worth it.” He held up a small bag which, up to that point, I hadn’t even noticed he was carrying. “Dry clothes,” he said, and then because I must’ve looked confused, “Waterproof bag. I’ll just change quickly. You should put on something dry too, and then we can get going.”

“Okay,” I agreed.

He was right. It was quite a hike, but the scenery was worth it. I took so many pictures to show Yuri and Mom. We might have to use Yuri’s projector to organize a slideshow once I get home.

Kalani was indeed waiting there for us when we arrived. When he saw Mitchell, he ran and flung himself at him, and hugged him with what looked like enough strength to squeeze the air out of most people. I know with one hundred percent certainty that I’d injure Yuri if I tried to do something like that to him, but it seemed Mitchell was able to hold up to Kalani’s dangerous affection.

“Easy, Kalani,” Mitchell said. “Remember what I keep telling you.”

“Sorry!” Kalani exclaimed. “But, I missed you.”

“You saw me two hours ago.”

“That’s practically forever.”

Mitchell looked amused. “You have absolutely no sense of time, do you, my wild creature? Come on, now. Either relax or let go.”

Kalani must not have been quite ready to let go, and he relaxed so thoroughly that I could see all the tension going out of his arms and back. He looked as if he wanted to melt against Mitchell’s chest and shoulder. For his part, Mitchell was laughing and trying to hold Kalani up.

“This would be better if we were in the water,” Kalani said.

“Later,” Mitchell told him.

“Promise?”

“I promise. Now, I need you to behave like a grown up for a while, okay? Think you can do that?”

The whole exchange was awkward to watch, but at the same time I was pleased for them because they were so cute together and clearly had something unique and special going on.

I guess now I know who Kalani wants to go to the waterfall with.

Kalani fake-pouted a little, but he let go of Mitchell and stood back. He evidently hadn’t noticed me standing there before, but when he did, he give me a little grin and greeted me with, “Hello, Victor. Guess what? It’s haunted shipwreck time!”

“Can’t wait!” I said, and meant it.

We didn’t see any ghosts, but the shipwreck was impressive. Kalani’s opinion was that we’d have to come back at night if we wanted to go ghost hunting, and he sounded so serious that I wasn’t sure if I should believe him or not. Then, he told me a story about a ghost mermaid, which I was certain he had to be making up.

"Mermaids aren’t real,” I said. “They’re just legends, right?”

“Of course they’re real,” said Kalani. “Mermen too.”

Mitchell made a noise, sucking air between his teeth like you’d do if you got a sudden minor injury like burning your tongue or lip on hot food. I stared at Kalani, attempting to judge whether or not he was joking. Concluding that it was a joke, I played along. “You mean, there are guy mermaids?”

“Mermen,” Kalani repeated. “There have to be mermen and mermaids. How else would you get baby merfolk?”

I laughed so hard, I actually snorted. “You are the literal best, Kalani.”

He flashed a big, goofy grin. “I know. Mitchell says that about me all the time.”

I glanced at Mitchell, whose face was as red as the pomegranates we’d picked earlier in the week. He mumbled, “Do I say that?”

Kalani hopped over to him and caught him by the hand. “Come on, Mitchell! We have to show Victor the shipwreck garden next.”

The ‘shipwreck garden’ turned out to be a lush, green spot not too far from the remains of the old ship. It was colourful and vibrant, and smelled exactly how I imagined a tropical garden should smell. There were a dozen different kinds of flowers and plants, all shaded by tall, thin palm trees. It was breathtaking.

After that, we trekked all around the area of the shipwreck. Mitchell was quiet, but Kalani kept us entertained with a running commentary on everything, as well as telling me about some of his favourite island legends. The one I liked best was a story about how merfolk had learned to read. According to Kalani, that one is an important tale in island folklore.

All too soon, it was time to leave. I invited Mitchell and Kalani to come back to my campsite for something to eat and they both accepted, although Kalani said he had to go home first and would join us later. I asked him how he was getting home, since I hadn’t seen a boat anywhere nearby, and there didn’t seem to be any other way to go except by the path Mitchell and I had used to get here.

“I’m going to swim,” Kalani said.

So much for my theory about him being afraid of water.

I didn’t miss the pointed look Mitchell shot his way. Mitchell looked almost annoyed for a second, but then his face softened and he reached out to stroke Kalani’s arm.

“Please be careful,” he said.

From his expression, I suspected Mitchell had wanted to say something completely different, but thought better of it in front of me. I couldn’t help being curious as to what it was that’d changed the mood so abruptly, and I wondered if I’d ever find out.

Kalani actually didn’t swim home in the end. He hiked back with Mitchell and me, mostly hanging onto Mitchell’s arm and complaining about how hungry he was the entire way. He reminded me of myself, this one time Yuri somehow talked me, Taka and Seiji into going with him to an art festival. It was boring. I spent an inordinate amount of time letting Yuri drag me around by my hand and thinking about how we weren’t allowed to have snacks while viewing the exhibits. That outing had ended much better than it started, I’m happy to say. Yuri had taken me to an all-you-can-eat sushi bar after he was done inflicting me with a couple of hours of art appreciation.

Yesterday evening, there was food at the end of the outing too. The sun was just starting to set by the time we made it back to my campsite. I grilled enough meat and fruit to feed twice as many people as we were, but luckily, Kalani and I both eat twice as much as normal people, so it worked out.

After dinner, we needed dessert. Kalani looked nervous when Mitchell and I started roasting the last of my bag of marshmallows. He kept staring at them, like maybe he’d never even seen a marshmallow before. I guess they didn’t look appetizing enough for him to try, because he politely declined when I offered him some.

That’s not to say he didn’t want to roast anything around our campfire, though. It seemed he had his own ideas about what was good. After observing us for a little while, he hopped up and declared, “Don’t go anywhere, okay? I’ll be right back!”

With that, he ran off.

I raised an eyebrow, and glanced at Mitchell. “What’s that about?”

“He’s getting dessert,” Mitchell replied.

Kalani was gone for about ten minutes. When he returned, he was soaking wet and he had a small fish in his hand, of all things.

I gawked at him. “Kalani, did you just—“

"Here,” he said, presenting the fish to Mitchell. “You have to roast this for me. I always accidentally burn them.”

I’m not sure what kind of reaction I’d expected from Mitchell, but I’m pretty sure it wasn’t the one he actually gave. He took the fish from Kalani and smiled at him indulgently. “How do you always manage to get me to do this?”

“Because you can’t resist me. Anyway, it always tastes better when you cook it,” Kalani said. He dropped onto the sand next to Mitchell’s chair. “Everything you cook tastes good.”

I watched, both fascinated and horrified, as Mitchell expertly skewered the fish with the same stick he’d just been using to roast marshmallows. He held it over the fire, as if nothing was out of place, as if roasting a whole fish on a stick over an open flame was a completely ordinary and mundane thing to do.

“Are you going to cook it just like that?” I asked. “Like, with the fins and eyeballs and stuff? Don’t you have to do something to it first? Take the scales off, or something?”

“I would clean it if I were cooking it for myself or you,” Mitchell said. “But this is how Kalani likes it.”

“Mmm…” was Kalani’s only response. He’d flopped slightly sideways so that his head was resting against Mitchell’s leg, and his eyes were half-closed.

Mitchell shifted the fish-on-a-stick to his right hand, and let his left one come to rest on Kalani’s hair. “I think you’ve been out of the sea too much today, my wild creature. You’re tired, aren’t you?”

Kalani made a soft sound in reply that wasn’t even a word, and nuzzled the side of his head against Mitchell’s knee like a friendly animal. Mitchell laughed.

I watched the two of them for a minute, as Mitchell gazed into the fire while idly stroking Kalani’s hair. They’re so beautiful, I thought, and then immediately felt super weird for thinking that. But I mean, they really were. They were a study in contrasts; Mitchell, this pale, blond, gentle giant, and Kalani, dark and delicate, with a kind of elusive, otherworldly quality about him.

That’s it. That’s the thing I’ve been trying to put my finger on all week.

Ever since I’d met Kalani, I felt like there was something unusual about him. At first, I’d chalked it up to cultural differences, accepting that he wasn’t like me because we’re not from the same place in the world. I moved to a different country myself, so cultural variation is something I understand. When I first went to Japan, people in Matsumori probably thought I was strange and foreign too, and I certainly had to adjust to a way of life I hadn’t been used to.

However, the more time I spent with Kalani, the more I began to feel like it wasn’t just our countries of origin that made him different from me. There was something else, something fundamental that made him seem not quite… normal. And Mitchell knew what it was, I realized. It was a secret he seemed committed to protecting even more than Kalani himself did.

But even the best-kept secrets aren’t always perfectly hidden from everyone. It was something about the way Mitchell referred to Kalani as his ‘wild creature’ that really provoked my curiosity. There was so much gentleness and affection in it, but there was also a kind of reverence, like how I might refer to the mountain as a wild place, showing my awe and respect for something I loved but could never fully comprehend.

Maybe… Just maybe, merfolk actually are real, I thought, and maybe Kalani is one.

It seemed like a crazy theory, but it could be true. Mitchell had said something about certain things on Kainani Island defying scientific explanation. Maybe that’s what he’d meant.

Eventually, Kalani’s fish was cooked, and after he ate it he seemed to catch a second wind. For the next little while, he and I tried to scare each other with the best ghost stories and urban legends we knew. I’m not sure either of us was really scared, but during the appropriate parts of every story, we at least pretended to be. It was a lot of fun.

Mitchell didn’t have any stories to contribute. He seemed content enough to sit there and watch the show. Maybe he was tired. I know I was. It’d been a long and full day, and I predicted I’d be out the moment I crawled into my sleeping bag.

All good stories have endings, and I knew ours was about to conclude when Mitchell finally got up from the camp chair, and thanked me for dinner.

“I should be thanking you,” I told him. “I wouldn’t have enjoyed this trip half as much without you guys. I might not even be here to enjoy it if it hadn’t been for you, so…”

“I’m sure you’d do the same for someone who needed your help,” Mitchell said.

“Yeah, I totally would, but still. You have no idea how grateful I am. I appreciate everything you’ve done. I sincerely mean that.”

“You’re welcome,” Mitchell said.

“Yuri and I will send you a postcard from Matsumori when I get home,” I promised. “I want you to at least see a picture of Arashiyama.”

“That’s the mountain?” he asked. “Arashiyama?” He struggled a bit with the unfamiliar Japanese word.

“Yup,” I confirmed. “It means ‘storm mountain’ and it has snow all year, even in July and August.”

“Victor, can you send me a postcard too?” Kalani asked. “No one’s ever sent me a postcard before.”

“Of course,” I said. “I’ll see if I can find one with a picture of Koi for you. That’s a kind of fish we have where I live.”

“Do they taste good?”

“We don’t eat them,” I said. “Some people keep them as pets, but mostly they live in the wild.”

“I’d probably eat them,” Kalani declared.

“If you ever come to see me and Yuri in Matsumori Town, I’ll warn the Koi to stay away from you,” I teased.

“Some day, I’d like to see your mountain, Victor,” he said. “Your... Arashiyama.”

“Maybe some day you will.”

“Mitchell? Could we go there?”

“I think you’d find the mountain too cold,” Mitchell said. “Snow all year, remember? And I don’t think it’s near the sea.”

“Oh,” Kalani said. “Well, I’m sure there’s water near the mountain somewhere.”

“We have lakes,” I told him. “They’re small, but I think you’d like them.”

This was clearly not a line of conversation Mitchell was comfortable with. He put a hand on Kalani’s arm. “We should get going, so Victor can get some sleep. He’s leaving tomorrow.”

“You’ll come and say goodbye to us before you go, won’t you?” Kalani asked me.

“Sure,” I said.

“You know where Mitchell lives? Come to the boardwalk near his house in the morning, and I’ll meet you.”

“Okay,” I agreed.

“Kalani—” Mitchell began.

“I know,” Kalani said. “We have to go. Good night, Victor. I hope the mountain will be happy to see you again when you go home.”

“I can’t speak for the mountain, but I’ll be glad to see it,” I said.

We said farewell, and I watched them walk off together. Once they’d disappeared beyond my view, I turned and made my way back to my tent, to fall asleep for one last time to the sound of the sea rolling softly over the sand.

This morning, after I’d packed all my stuff, I went around the boardwalk to Mitchell and Kai’s little beach house. No one answered when I knocked on the door, and I frowned. Kalani had asked me to meet him, but it was apparent that neither Mitchell nor Kai was at home, and Kalani was nowhere in sight either.

Then, I remembered. Kalani had said specifically to meet him on the boardwalk, not at the house. I backtracked to a point about a hundred metres from the beach house, where the boardwalk was completely suspended over the water like a bridge. Kalani hadn’t said what time I should be here, and I hoped I hadn’t missed him.

I was prepared to wait fifteen or twenty minutes, but no longer. I had to meet the pilot who was going to fly me back to the mainland airport so I could catch my flight home. She might be flexible with her flight schedule and wouldn’t mind if I was late, but the commercial airline certainly wouldn’t be sympathetic if I failed to show up on time. If Kalani and I couldn’t connect, then I’d text Mitchell and ask him to tell Kalani that I was sorry not to have seen him after all.

As things transpired, I didn’t need to text Mitchell. It wasn’t necessary, because Kalani had been there the whole time.

In the water.

I spun around quickly to look when I heard him shout my name. About twenty metres from the boardwalk, Kalani’s head was poking out of the sea, and he was laughing.

“I told you I’d meet you,” he said.

I waved. “Yes, you did. Thank you.”

“Now, I’m going to tell you a secret,” he called. “Watch!”

“What—” I started, but that’s as far as I got.

Kalani leaped out of the water, and when I say he leaped, that’s exactly what I mean. His entire body shot upward in a powerful arc, and for a second he was completely airborne. He came down again, hands and head first, slicing into the water more cleanly than any competitive diver.

The sun was in my eyes and I was forced to squint, so I can’t be one hundred percent positive, but I could’ve sworn that from the waist down, Kalani was a man-sized tropical fish. The last I saw of him was the tip of his tail fin disappearing beneath Kainani’s turquoise waves.

No one is going to believe this, I told myself. No one. Not in a million years.

[stargazer-sims]

Journal Entry #45 (part five)

previous // next // story index

__________

Yuri

Victor’s room was on the fourth floor.

It was atypically quiet up there for that hour of the day. I’d expected it to be busier since it was the time when many of the patients would be having their dinner brought to them, and when others would be receiving visits from family or friends. I’ve been a patient in this wing of the fourth floor of Matsumori Valley Medical Center more than once myself, and I remember how much activity I could hear all around me in the late afternoon. 

The nurse, whose name I learned was Yuna, walked with me from the elevator, past the nurses’ station, and finally to a room about halfway down the long corridor. Just outside the door, she turned to me and offered me a kind smile. 

“I’ll be here until seven o’clock if you need anything,” she said. “The night shift will be coming on after that, and whoever happens to be your husband’s primary care nurse tonight will be able to help you if there’s anything you need.”

“Thank you,” I said. “How long can I stay?”

I knew visiting hours usually ended at eight o’clock, but I think I was hoping Yuna might say I could stay with Victor until morning. 

I shouldn’t have been surprised when she replied, “Until eight.”

“Okay.”

“You can come back tomorrow at seven thirty, if you like. You can feed him his breakfast," Yuna said.

I smiled slightly at that, sure that if Victor actually needed me to feed him, the irony of it would not be lost on him. “If I’m not allowed to spend the night, I’ll definitely be back here at seven-thirty,” I said. “Victor has a healthy relationship with food, though. I don’t think he’ll need my help with breakfast.”

“Is he left-handed or right-handed?” Yuna asked.

The question seemed like a non-sequitur, and it caught me off-guard. “Victor is left-handed, but why would you need to know that?”

“To help me explain," she responded. "He may need more than a little help. His left arm is more seriously injured than his right, and I expect Dr. Sato explained to you that he’s experiencing some vision loss. His coordination might be affected by his head injury, too.”

“Oh.”

“We’ll see how he is in the morning,” she said.

“Will you be here tomorrow?” I asked.

“I will,” she confirmed. “Why don’t you go in and sit with him now? I think he’ll be glad to have you here.”

I nodded, and thanked Yuna again. I watched her stride away in the direction of the nurses’ station before I turned back to the door of Victor’s room. 

I paused on the threshold, part of me desperate to see him and another part terrified of what I’d find once I stepped inside. I don’t know if I’d been in too much shock to pay attention to everything Dr. Sato had told me, or if she’d presented it in such a clinical way that it didn’t sink in. All I know is, hearing Yuna describe Victor’s injuries in such a practical context as his potential inability to feed himself absolutely shook me. I wasn’t at all prepared for that.

I was forced to admit to myself that not only was I scared, but I was also feeling guilty and disappointed in myself. Despite Mr. Tanaka's earlier assertion this wasn't my fault, I could not convince myself of that. The thoughts that continuously circled in my mind were that I should've thought harder about my priorites and that I could’ve handled things better today.  Maybe none of this would have happened and my Victor wouldn’t be facing an uncertain future if I had done things differently.

Gathering together the shreds of my courage, I took the deepest breath I could manage and then entered the room. It was darker in Victor’s room than in the previous areas of the hospital I’d been in. I couldn’t even see Victor at first because the bed curtain was pulled partway around the bed. All I could make out were his blanket-covered legs, one foot twitching restlessly like it often does when he’s overtired or anxious. 

At least he’s awake, I thought. His foot never does that when he’s sleeping.

When I moved past the edge of the curtain, I gasped involuntarily at the sight that confronted me. Victor was lying there utterly motionless. Both his forearms were bandaged, and his neck was immobilized. The area around his left eye and down his left cheek was mottled with purplish bruises. 

He was only covered from the waist down, and he wasn’t wearing a hospital gown or a shirt or anything. For all I knew, he might’ve been completely naked beneath the thin blanket. It seemed so undignified, and seeing him like that bothered me almost as much as looking at his injuries did.

I wanted to touch him, but I didn’t know where I could put my hands without hurting him. Trying not to startle him, I said his name quietly. 

It took him a few seconds to open his eyes, and when he did, they were fixed straight up at the ceiling for several more seconds. I understood that he couldn’t move his head or neck, so I didn’t expect him to turn toward me, but I think I did imagine he’d shift his gaze my way. Then I began to worry that maybe he wasn’t looking at me because he couldn’t. 

I felt a lump starting to form in my throat, and I fought with everything I had to keep from crying. The last thing Victor needed was for me to break down. He hates it when I cry. He says it makes him feel helpless, although he always tries his best to console me anyway. But this wasn’t the time for him to feel obligated to do anything for me. I needed to be as strong as I could for both of us, as difficult as I knew that was going to be.

“I’m sorry,” I said.

After what felt like an eternity, Victor glanced in my direction. “Yuri…?” he said, as if he wasn’t quite sure it was me. His voice sounded so weak and small, so devoid of its usual energy that I barely recognized it as his.

“I’m here, my treasure. I’m right here.” My own voice was trembling. Hesitantly, I traced across his shoulder with my fingertips, deciding that seemed like the safest place to touch. “I’m sorry I took so long.”

“It’s dark,” he mumbled.

“The light is off so it doesn’t hurt your eyes,” I said.

“Oh. Where are we?”

“You don’t know where we are?”

“I don’t know,” he said. “This isn’t my bed. Where’s my white blanket?”

“We’re in the hospital,” I told him. 

I could see in his face that he was struggling to process that information, but something must’ve finally clicked into place because he said. “I fell.”

“Yes, you did.”

“Why’s it so dark?”

“The lights are off,” I reminded him. ”I don’t think we should turn them on.”

“I don’t want it like that. I can’t see.” There was an undercurrent of fear in his tone. “Yuri, I… I don’t like it being dark like this. Please.”

His rising panic was pushing my own fear and anxiety toward the surface, and I had to take deep breaths to steady myself. I kept petting his shoulder, wanting to maintain contact in the hope of reassuring him somehow. “There’s a doctor coming to look at your eyes. If he says it’s okay, then we can turn the lights on.”

He let out a little whimpering sound. “But… I can’t see!”

“The doctor will help you,” I said.

“I just wanna see you.” Tears were starting to form at the edges of his eyes, and he squeezed his eyelids shut momentarily. “Everything’s blurry and weird. Why’s it like that?”

“You bumped your head,” I said. That was painting it with the broadest strokes possible, I knew, but I wanted him to be able to understand without having to concentrate too much.

“My head hurts,” he said. “Everything hurts. I want… I want it to stop hurting.”

“I’ll ask Dr. Sato if she can give you something to make it stop hurting. She should be here before too long.”

“When?”

“I’m not sure exactly. Soon.”

“Soon. Okay," he acquiesced. “Can you hold… hold m-my hand?” 

“I don’t know if I should,” I said.

“Please, Yuri? I’m scared.”

“I’m sorry,” I murmured, wondering how many times I was going to say that, and how many times would feel like enough. 

He made a vague movement with his right hand, the one closest to me, and I lifted it off the bed as carefully as I could. What if it was broken? Would I be doing more damage to it? His fingers were swollen, and even in the dimness they looked more pinkish than normal. “Am I hurting you?”

“I don’t know.”

If his hand was already causing him pain, I supposed that was a fair response. “You let me know if you want me to stop touching you.”

“Never stop,” he said. “I don’t care if it hurts. I just need to… to feel your hand.”

“Okay. I won’t let go.”

He was silent for a while, lying with his eyes closed, and I guessed perhaps the effort of talking had exhausted him. But then, his eyelids fluttered open again and his face assumed the expression of someone who’d just remembered something important. “Yuri,” he said. “They took my rings.”

“Your rings?”

“My rings. The... the ones you gave me.”

His wedding ring and promise ring. How could I have failed to notice that? I glanced down and saw my own rings on the fingers that cradled his swollen hand. “Do you remember who took them? The paramedics, or someone here?”

“I don’t know. I was crying. I don't know why I'm always crying."

"You're allowed to cry as much as you need to."

"I don't want to, but I can't help it."

"I know," I said.

"I didn’t want them to take them," he said. "My rings. I said… I promised I’d n-never take them off. I promised…”  His tears finally spilled over, and began to run down the sides of his face. “I’m sorry."

“It’s all right,” I assured him. “You don’t have anything to apologize for.”

“Can you find them?" he pleaded. "I need you to put them on me. Please. They're n-not supposed to be off."

I reached out with my free hand to caress his face, wiping away some of the dampness with my fingers. “I’m sure your rings are safe. I’ll find them for you, and when your hands feel better I’ll put them on you again. I don’t think they’d fit you right now.”

“I promised I’d never take them off,” he repeated miserably. 

“I know, love. It’s all right. It’s not your fault.”

“Yes, it is,” he said. “I didn’t… I wasn’t mad at you this morning, but I shouldn’t have… The event. I… I should’ve told Sakura… But it’s my best one, and…” He trailed off and raised his other hand to rub at his eyes, and then almost immediately cried out in pain. He was so confused, it likely hadn’t occurred to him that touching his bruised face with his possibly fractured arm would be painful. Instead of drying his tears, it only made him cry harder. “I’m never doing it again.”

“Never doing what again?” 

“Snowboarding,” he said.

“Don’t say that. You might be off the mountain for a while, but you’ll do it again.”

“No…” he said, and it came out as a moan. “Everyone… I disappointed everyone. I wanted you to be proud even if… even if you weren’t there. I love you, and I just… I… I’m sorry.  Everything’s messed up, and it’s my fault.”

I’ll confess, in that moment I had no idea what to do.  My heart was aching and I felt utterly helpless. I wanted to be able to say something, do something to make everything right, but I didn’t know how. All I could do was attempt to comfort him as best I could. 

“Victor, it’s not your fault,” I said softly. I stroked his hair gently, in the way I know he likes. “I love you, and I am proud of you. You never have to do anything special to make me proud. Being you is enough.”

“Is it?”

“Of course it is. It always has been. I don’t need a hero or a champion.” I lowered my head and whispered, “I just need you. Always you. Only you.”

“Don’t leave me,” he said. “Please… I’m scared.”

“I’m right here. I’m not going to leave you.”

“What if I can’t…” he began.

“Can’t what?”

“What if… what if I can’t take care of you any more?”

“I don’t want you to worry about that,” I said.  

“Your voice… I can tell. You’re in pain.”

“A little,” I conceded. In reality, it was more than a little and I’m positive he knew that, but he didn’t need to hear me say it. “I’ll be fine. Right now, we need to focus on you.”

“But, I have to. Your mom… she’s n-not here, and nobody else knows how to do what you need.” His fingers stirred weakly in my hand. “Meds and food and… y’know. Belly rubs.”

I laughed. Of all the things he was concerned about, the one that found its way into the conversation had to be that, and it was such a Victor thing to say. It wasn’t really funny, but I think I’d reached a breaking point and had to release my emotional energy in some way. I reasoned that laughing was better than the alternative.

“You do give amazing belly rubs,” I said. “I’ll be looking forward to those when everything’s back to normal.”

“Normal,” he echoed.

"When your hands are better and you can see again."

“Am I gonna be normal? 'Cause nothing feels normal. Everything hurts, and I don't even know where I am, and it's too dark, and...”

"You're in the hospital, remember? It's dark to protect your eyes."

"I wanna be normal, Yuri."

“I think you will be,” I said. 

“I have to. I need to see and know where I am, and… and I need my hands to do stuff. I just wanna take care of you ‘cause I love you, and I promised.”

“I love you too,” I said. “You’ll be able to take care of me again, but for now all you need to do is rest and let me take care of you.”

[stargazer-sims]

Journal Entry #35

previous // next // story index

__________

Victor

It’s been an interesting week.

I feel like I say that a lot, but maybe it’s because over the last several months we’ve had a ton of stuff going on in our lives, and I don't really know how to describe it. Sometimes it's hard to take it all in.

Yuri and I have been getting along better since our unexpected overnight stay in the Hideout. We really needed to get some issues out in the open. The fact that we got stuck there might’ve been a blessing in disguise because it gave us a chance to talk without being concerned about interruptions.

Unfortunately, despite our progress, it hadn’t been a great night. I'm sure Yuri was in a lot more pain than he wanted to admit and I’m certain the accommodations weren’t all that comfortable for him. His pain was making him restless, and he kept waking up through the night. I didn’t get much sleep either. I was too worried about him.

In the morning, he insisted he could climb down from the Hideout by himself. I didn’t like the idea, but I didn’t argue. I just told him to take his time. Getting down felt like it took ages, but we both made it to the ground without incident. Yuri let himself collapse once his feet hit solid earth, which was totally understandable in my opinion. I sat on the leaf-covered dirt and held him on my lap so he could rest for a while before we started making the short journey back to Mom’s house.

Mom was none too pleased when when we finally showed up. Apparently, she’d been texting both of us like crazy since the previous night, but since we’d both left our phones at the house, we hadn’t replied. She said she was about to go out looking for us, so it was lucky for everyone that we came back when we did.

I think Mom probably would’ve given us a lecture, but considering the state Yuri was obviously in, it seemed she thought better of it. She hugged me and made a sort of air-hugging gesture in front of Yuri, and then told us to get cleaned up. She said that she and Julian had intended to go to the farmers’ market, and with our return, the plan was back on the agenda. She’d see us when she got back, she said, and she extracted a promise from me that I’d give her a full explanation later.

I had absolutely no intention of telling her everything, but I figured I could explain in sufficient detail to satisfy her. There are some things a guy’s mother doesn’t need to know about what goes on between him and his husband, you know what I mean? I used to tell her almost literally everything, but I’m finding that lately I’m less and less inclined to share every little detail with her.

After Mom left, we went downstairs and I helped Yuri in the bath. Then I got him dressed in the warmest PJs he had with him, made sure he took his medication, and tucked him into bed with his hot water bottle. I asked him if he wanted me to stay with him for a while, but he said no, so I gave him a little kiss on the forehead and promised to check on him in an hour or so before slipping out of the room and closing the door behind me.

That was Sunday. By Tuesday, which was the day before yesterday, he was doing better, much to my relief. He got out of bed when I did, and even had a few bites of my fruit salad at breakfast.

I’ve gotten used to him picking food off my plate rather than always having a plate of his own. When it comes to eating, whatever is least stressful for him works for me. I’ve even been known to feed him when he’s really ill, as I'm sure I've mentioned before. I mean, needs must, right? I’m willing to go with anything that keeps him from becoming undernourished, and if that sometimes involves me holding the spoon, so be it.

Actually, the topic of me feeding Yuri brings me around to the really interesting thing that happened on Tuesday afternoon. Thinking that the fresh air would do him good, I coaxed him to come outside with me. It was overcast, but it was warm enough not to need jackets. We sat at the picnic table in the back yard and I patiently fed him oatmeal sweetened with maple syrup while we watched the comings and goings of several blue jays on the nearby bird feeder.

That’s when we met the neighbours from across the street.

Even if I don't know everyone in the neighbourhood personally, I thought I could at least recognize all the people who live on this block of London Street and the intersecting street, Foundry Lane. It was slightly disconcerting to realize I had no idea who the elder couple puttering away in their front garden were. I don’t know how they knew I was watching them, but at some point they started watching Yuri and me as well. Every so often, I caught them looking our way. Eventually, their inquisitiveness must’ve got the best of them because they dusted themselves off and meandered across the street.

I guessed they were probably in their late sixties or early seventies; old enough to be elders but not too old to have plenty of energy left in them. The man was thin and had a leathery, deeply lined face, like he’d spent a lot of time outdoors without sunscreen. The woman had delicate facial features that reminded me a lot of Yuri’s grandmother, who I’d met a handful of times at family gatherings I’d been compelled to go to. She carried herself with the same type of grace and economy of movement as Yuri’s mom and grandmother too. I could easily imagine this lady had been a stunning beauty when she was young.

More than anything else I could say, I’ll say this; they aren’t the least bit shy. Most people would start with hello. They started with a question.

“I hope you don’t think we’re being nosy,” the man said. “But we haven’t seen you around here before. Are you new to the neighbourhood?”

I had to smile at that. “No,” I told him. “I grew up here. Right here in this house actually, but we don’t live here now. We’re just visiting. I’m Grace Nelson’s son. Do you know her?”

“Of course,” said the woman. “Dr. Grace and Dr. Julian are lovely people. They take excellent care of our cats. If you’re her son, then you’re Victor. Correct?”

“Yeah,” I said. “You have us at a disadvantage, though.”

“My apologies. I’m Kimiko Miyazaki, and this is my husband, Robert MacAllister. You can call me Kim if you like. Everyone does.”

Her English was flawless, and I guessed that she’d either been born here or that she’d been here a very long time. Yuri and I exchanged a look at hearing her name, and I immediately thought of our former neighbour from Komatsu. Yuri seemed to brighten a little, and somehow I doubted he would be calling her by the very English-sounding nickname of Kim.

“Pleased to meet you, Miyazaki-san,” Yuri said, and I don’t think he even recognized the fact that he’d slipped fluidly from English to Japanese.

Kim’s face registered mild surprise. “Well… it’s been a long time since I’ve heard anyone but my children speak to me in my first language. And you are…?”

“I’m Yuri,” he said, blushing and suddenly looking shy and embarrassed. He slid closer to me on the bench and leaned against me. I put my arm around him and gave him a reassuring squeeze. "Okamoto Yuri."

“Yuri’s my husband,” I clarified.

Both elders were peering at us with a combination of curiosity and concern, and I couldn’t help wondering what they were thinking. Kim’s gaze seemed to drift to the half-empty bowl behind us on the table, and I wondered if she’d been able to see exactly what we’d been doing before they came over.

As it turned out, I didn’t have to wait long to find out what was going through Robert’s mind.

“Not to pry, but are you all right?” he asked. I’m sure he meant Yuri, but he was making eye contact with me.

“He’s not feeling well today,” I said.

“We’re sorry to hear that,” said Kim. “It’s good that you’re able to get outside, though. Fresh air and a change of scenery are important for the mental health, especially if you’ve been ill for a long time.”

“How do you know—“ I started.

Almost at the same time, Yuri said, "Excuse me?” He'd switched back to English, a fact that was evidently not lost on Kim.

It was her turn to look embarrassed. “I really don’t mean to overstep. I was a nurse for thirty-five years and I spent over half my career as a clinical specialist. I’ve seen a lot of people with long-term and chronic illnesses. But I realize it’s none of my business. It’s just that I notice things, and these days my mouth sometimes gets ahead of my brain.” She smiled sheepishly. “I’m going to blame old age.”

“Perhaps we ought to change the subject,” said Robert.

“Yes,” his wife replied. “That might be best. My apologies.”

“It’s fine,” I said. I glanced down at my husband. “Yuri?”

He nodded. “Yes, it’s okay. You’re right. I do have a chronic illness, but I’d rather not discuss it.”

“Certainly,” Kim said. “We can talk about something else. Where are you visiting from?”

“Matsumori Town,” he told her. "That's in Kyoto Prefecture, near the mountains."

"Yes, I know exactly where it is," she said. “As it happens, that’s where I’m from. Now, how's that for a coincidence?" I left when I was in my twenties, but I still have family that we visit every few years, and Robert and I are thinking of making a permanent move there as soon as we sell our house.”

“How long have you lived in that house?” I asked.

“We bought it about five years ago," Robert answered.

"If you moved here five years ago, that’s why we didn’t recognize each other,” I said. “I moved out around that time, and my cousin and I and another friend had one of those share houses over by the college. Then I had a place in that big apartment complex across town. You know Sage Estates? I was there until I moved to Japan."

“We know Sage Estates," Kim said. "Our son Cameron lives there.”

“The house was supposed to be our retirement home,” Robert explained. “We were going to live here with our daughter, son-in-law and grandchildren. But we’d only been in the place for a year and a half before our Hayley got offered an important job opportunity in Toronto that she couldn’t pass up. Life in a big city isn’t for us, so off they all went and left us here.”

“Us and the cats,” Kim amended.

“Yes, us and the cats and the ghost.”

I wasn’t sure I’d heard him correctly. “The... what? The ghost?”

“A lovely Japanese lady. We think we may have accidentally brought her here from Matsumori in an antique vase,” he said. “She likes to arrange flowers, so we try to cut some from the garden for her and set them in her vase as often as we can.”

Despite myself, I found that I was starting to like these nosy, quirky old people. I said, “Are you going to leave her in the house for the new owners, or are you going to take her home?”

“That depends on what she wants, doesn’t it?” he said. “She seems to like it here, but she only speaks Japanese, so she might not be happy to stay with the new owner if they can’t communicate with her.”

“You talk to her?”

“Yes. She doesn’t always understand me, unfortunately. I think it's my accent that slows us down, but she talks up a storm with Kim.”

“Maybe Yuri and I should try to speak to her,” I suggested.

At that, Yuri gave me the look he always gives me when he thinks I’m talking nonsense. It was like, Please don’t encourage them. Personally, I didn’t see any harm. If they seriously thought there was a flower-arranging Japanese ghost lady in their house, who was I to argue?

“You’re welcome to come over any time,” Kim said. “We can’t guarantee Sachiko will be around, though. She doesn’t show herself every day. But we can at least promise we’ll chat with you, and we can offer you tea and a snack.”

“And you’re welcome to use our pool,” Robert offered. “It’s heated. It’s very therapeutic.”

“Thanks. That sounds great,” I said.

We chatted for a few more minutes before Kim and Robert decided they’d better get back to their landscaping project. We said goodbye and promised that we’d come over to see them in the next day or two.

For the rest of the day, I was preoccupied with thoughts of the neighbours across the street and their allegedly haunted house. They seemed like intelligent, mentally sound people, and there was no hint of joking or irony when they mentioned their ghost. Clearly, they believed she was real. As for me, I couldn’t decide if I believed in the ghost or not. Part of me really wanted to, but another part was content to accept that existence ends when life does.

That night, as Yuri and I were getting ready for bed, I asked him what he thought about it even though I knew what he’d likely say.

“Do you think she’s real?” I said. “Sachiko, I mean. The ghost across the street.”

“About as real as mermaids and vampires,” Yuri said.

“Mermaids are real," I said.

“I know what you think you saw on Kainani Island.”

“I know you don’t believe me about that,” I acknowledged. “But regardless of whether mermaids and vampires are real or not, ghosts still could be. They’re humans, not mythical creatures.”

“Once people pass away, that’s it,” he said. “They don’t linger in suburban houses and make flower arrangements.”

“Do you think Robert and Kim are hallucinating or something, then? Or do you think they’re just making it up?”

“What I think is that they might’ve lost somebody very important to them and that it’s comforting for them to imagine she’s still with them in some way.” Yuri gave me a soft, indulgent smile. “Maybe that’s what you want to believe too. That it’s possible somehow for people you loved to still be with you.”

I shook my head. “No, that’s not it.”

“If it helps you, it’s okay to believe it,” he said. "I don’t know what it’s like to lose someone close to me, but I think any way that helps a person cope is fine as long as it isn’t harming anyone.”

“I don’t think believing in ghosts is a good way to cope at all,” I said. “Not for me anyway. I wouldn’t want to think of Dad and Caroline as ghosts. That’d be horrible, hanging around forever and constantly reliving the memory of how they died.” The idea of ghost baby Caroline being terrified and confused for eternity as she tried to make sense of her senseless death made me want to cry. “Something like that would definitely be harmful.”

“When you put it that way, I suppose so,” Yuri conceded.

“I’ve got a lot of stuff in my head that I still haven’t resolved about Dad and Caroline,” I said. “You’re not wrong about me wanting to believe they’re still with me somehow too, but I feel like it’s more emotional than supernatural or whatever. It’s just… I don’t know. I find the whole ghost thing fascinating and I want to see for myself if it’s true or not.”

Yuri was quiet for a few seconds, but finally he said, “We can go over there and visit, so you can see.”

“Wouldn’t that be weird?”

“Why would it? They invited us after all, and they sounded sincere about it,” he said. “I’d like to see the house too, although for different reasons than you.”

“Really?” I said. “Why do you want to see it?”

“Didn’t they say they’re thinking of selling it?”

“Yeah, but…” I trailed off for a moment, unsure as to where the conversation might be going. “Why do you care if it’s going to be for sale?”

“I was thinking,” he said, but he didn’t elaborate.

“About a house in Maple Grove?”

“It’s just a ridiculous idea I suddenly had.”

“What would we do with a house here, even if we could afford it? Our lives are in Matsumori.”

“Are they?” he said. “I think I’ve seen enough since we’ve been here to know that most of your life isn’t in Matsumori at all. I might be wrong, but my guess is the only really important parts of your life in Matsumori are me and the mountain. Arashiyama has to stay where it is, but I don’t.”

I frowned. “Are you saying you want to move?”

“No,” he said. “I’m not sure what I’m saying at this point, but I think we should think about our options and talk it over when we’re both ready.”

“You think a possibly haunted house is an option?” I asked.

“It’s not haunted,” he said. “But if people believe it is, maybe that’ll lower the property value and make it affordable.”

I grinned. “Well, that’s an angle probably no one thought of.”

“Let’s have a look at it and satisfy our curiosity, all right? It’s not even for sale yet in any case, and even if it were, we’re not in a position to decide anything right now.”

“Okay,” I said.

“In the meantime, the least we can do is be friendly. I don’t think I made a very good first impression today. I’d like to redeem myself if I can.”

“I’m sure you can,” I told him. “Let’s see how you’re feeling tomorrow, and maybe we can go over there.”

So, that’s exactly what we did. Yuri was feeling well enough to venture out on Wednesday afternoon, so we took some of the strawberry cupcakes I’d baked in the morning and made our way across the street. Kim and Robert happily gave us a tour of the house, and then we all sat in the living room and enjoyed a snack and some good conversation.

There was no sign of Sachiko the ghost, but we did notice the smell of flowers in a couple of rooms where there weren’t any. Robert said the scent was plum blossoms, and he told us that meant Sachiko was there even if we couldn’t see her. He showed us her vase and explained how they’d bought it from an antiques dealer in Senbamachi district about four years ago. He said Sachiko had appeared not long after they got back to Maple Grove.

Yuri said he thought he knew the antique shop in question. Apparently, it’s notorious for having purported occult objects for sale on a semi-regular basis, and it's the subject of a sort of urban legend that says it’s a hot spot for paranormal activity. I’ll admit the notion intrigued me.

“Maybe we should go there when we get back,” I said.

“See if you can get Takahiro to go there with you,” Yuri said. “His reaction will be worth it.”

“Oh?”

“He never wanted to walk past there when we were younger. Seiji and I kept daring him to go in, but he never would.”

“Have you been inside the shop, Yuri?” Robert wanted to know.

“I have,” Yuri said. ‘It didn’t seem all that unusual to me, other than some of the bizarre items the owner was selling. I saw a necklace that I thought my mother would like, but my friend Seiji talked me out of buying it for her because he thought it was cursed.“

"We’re definitely going there,” I said. “Haunted vases and cursed jewelry? I need to check that out.”

Yuri sighed. He didn’t come right out and say I was trying his patience, but I got the sense that he wanted to. I gave up the subject of the supernatural after that, and our conversation moved along to other topics. We enjoyed the rest of our visit and left with an open invitation to swim in the pool whenever we liked.

I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t a little bit disappointed about not being able to confirm the existence of the ghost, but I guess I shouldn’t have expected to. We came back in the evening to use the pool, and we smelled the plum blossom scent again. Yuri said it was likely some late-blooming plant in the garden or maybe some sort of air freshener or cleaning product.

If it was a cleaning product, I wanted to know what it was so we could use it at our house because it smelled exactly like early spring in the Hanamigawa valley. It was sweet and soothing, and it made me feel calm and peaceful.

We didn’t do much swimming. The pool water was indeed heated, and that, combined with the mysterious plum blossom aromatherapy, relaxed us to the point where we weren’t much interested in exercise. Yuri took a nap on the pool float, and I just drifted around on my back, thinking about not much of anything.

We both had an excellent night’s rest after that.

In completely unrelated news, we’re heading to North Range Provincial Park tomorrow afternoon. We’ll be staying there tomorrow night and Saturday night, and then coming back to Maple Grove sometime on Sunday.

I was worried that Yuri wouldn’t be up to it, but he says he’s well enough to go. I can tell he isn’t completely fine, but he’s improved a lot since this past Sunday, so as long as he thinks he’s going to be okay, I’m not about to question it. The fact that he’s still interested at all is a surprise, I’m not questioning that either.

I took him shopping for camping stuff today. He wasn’t into the Canadian Tire aesthetic at first, but once he tried on a few plaid shirts and realized how cute he looked in them, I think his shopping spirit was revived.

He got a fleece-lined flannel jacket, a plaid flannel shirt, a quilted vest and hiking boots, and of course he had to have accessories. In this case, his accessories of choice were two hats and a scarf. I convinced him to get thermal socks as well, despite his protests that they were ugly. Nobody was going to see them inside his boots, I reasoned, and he probably wouldn’t want to sleep barefoot, especially considering that his feet are often cold at the best of times. He decided that the jeans and turtlenecks he already had with him would be sufficient, so I was spared having to answer the inevitable question as to whether or not he looked too skinny in any potential new pants.

Shopping for a sleeping bag was more challenging than shopping for clothes. I wanted to make sure he got one that was both lightweight and rated for below-freezing temperatures, just in case we decided to camp on Arashiyama at some future point. I also thought he should have one with a built-in pillow, like mine, since that’d eliminate the need to carry along an extra item. Yuri, however, was more concerned about the colour and whether or not it’d look good in our tent. He opted for black "Because it goes with everything."

We chose a proper hiking pack for him in a shade of orange that made him happy because it reminded him of sunset, and that made me happy because of how visible it would be on a wooded trail. I liked it for the fact that it had a body strap in addition to the shoulder straps, which would help balance the weight of it and make it easier and more comfortable for him to carry. He liked it because it had a ton of pockets to help him organize all his items.

Yeah... if it wasn’t already obvious, we have different priorities.

I let him pick out a few odds and ends, like a flashlight, a small pocket knife, and an insulated drinking bottle for tea. I had a hard time imagining Yuri doing anything with a pocket knife, but he seemed to think it was a vital piece of outdoor equipment, so I didn’t protest.

The last things we bought were small waterproof bags for each of us to keep our phones and wallets in. I’d learned the value of waterproof bags from my friend Mitchell, who I’d met on Kainani Island. We might not necessarily need the bags during our weekend on the North Range, but I decided I'd use it anyway because it was a better alternative than keeping my wallet and phone in plastic sandwich bags to protect them if it were to rain.

Yuri could hardly wait to show off all his new things to my mom when she got home from work. He put on a mini fashion show for her, and she played into it by telling him how rugged and handsome he looked and taking a bunch of pictures of him. He didn’t seem to notice or care that she was treating him as if he was a little kid getting ready for his first day of school.

I’m glad he seems to have some genuine enthusiasm for camping now because I spent a disproportionate amount of brainpower in worrying that he was forcing himself to go despite how scared he was, just because he thought he should. I’m not under any illusions that he’s suddenly lost all his anxiety and fear about spending a couple of days and nights in the forest, and I’m not deluding myself into believing it’ll be an easy weekend for either of us, but I’m more confident than I was before.

I think we’ll be able to have fun, and I’m looking forward to teaching him some of the wilderness skills I learned from Mom and Uncle Stephen and from our Maple Scout leader when I was a kid. Leo said he’s bringing his guitar, so maybe we’ll even get to teach Yuri some of the camp songs we learned when we were in Maple Scouts. Almost every scout camp song is ridiculous, which automatically makes them the best.

Oh, and we even have a new ghost story to share around the campfire now. I’m already picturing Ellie’s and Leo’s reactions when we tell them about Sachiko.

We’ll let you know how the camping trip goes!

[stargazer-sims]

Journal Entry #34 (part two)

previous // next // story index

__________

Yuri

Even at the best of times, Victor can outrun me easily. When he had a head start and I was already tired, the odds of me catching up to him were slim to none. Add to that the fact I was wearing shoes that were not at all made for running, and we had the ultimate setup for failure.

I felt ridiculous for chasing him, but at the same time I was determined that for once he wasn’t going to get away with avoiding a difficult conversation by running from me.

It was well after sunset, and I lost sight of him around corners a couple of times, but unless he vaulted over someone’s backyard fence or dodged into an open garage, there weren’t many places he could realistically disappear. Besides, even when I couldn’t see him, I could hear his footfalls on the sidewalk. The streets were so quiet, I think we might’ve been the only ones out there. I may have observed two or three vehicles the entire time I was outside.

Fortunately, Victor didn’t go too far, and the third time I lost sight of him, I had a good idea as to where he went.

He turned a corner and then I caught the sound of rustling leaves and a snapping branch. When I made the same turn, I found myself next to what appeared at first to be an abandoned and overgrown lot. A moment later, I noticed a strand of yellow solar lights strung between two trees. In the weak glow of the solar lights, I made out a dirt path edged by weeds and weathered rocks, and beyond that, the dim outline of what looked like a ladder.

It was only by chance that I saw a shadow of movement.

“Victor?” I tried to call out, but i was so breathless that I suspected the only way he could’ve heard me would’ve been if he were standing right next to me.

I stopped to catch my breath, and it was only when I was no longer moving that I was met by the consequences of what I’d just put myself through. A hard sprint was not what my body needed, and it was screaming at me for my stupidity and carelessness. I leaned over, one hand braced on my knee and the other pressed against my stomach, which was hurting so much that I was scared I’d pass out from it.

I was lightheaded and shaking, and I decided that the best thing would be to sit down. Choosing a rock that didn’t look too rough or pointy, I lowered myself onto it. It wasn’t the most comfortable seat I’d ever been on, but it was better than trying to hold myself upright while fighting the urge to throw up or faint, or both.

Eventually, after a few minutes’ rest and some pain management breathing, I felt slightly better. At least I wasn’t trembling or gasping for air. I considered that an improvement.

With some equilibrium restored, I was able to study my surroundings. I saw that most of the lot had been allowed to go absolutely wild, but it hadn’t been abandoned entirely. There was a fire pit and two halves of logs that may have been makeshift benches, and even something that looked like a sink. I turned my attention back to where I’d seen the ladder and let my gaze track up its outline to what was basically a cabin on stilts. It was very high up, and I pictured the spectacular view of the river and the mountains the occupant might have in daylight.

Hanging on the front of the little house was what might’ve been a lantern, and I could also see a thin trickle of light leaking from under the door.

Found you, Victor. Ready or not, here I come.

I’ll admit the prospect of climbing the ladder was daunting, not just because I knew it’d be physically difficult for me, but because I had no idea how stable it was or how hard it might be to hang onto. Looking up, I saw only the tiniest platform at the top. It had no railing of any kind. Once I was up there, I’d have to go inside immediately because it didn’t look like there was enough space to sit and recompose myself.

I tried not to worry about how dark it was and I did my best not to think about how far I was from the ground. I’m not afraid of heights, as anyone who’s ever seen me snowboarding on Arashiyama could attest to, but I am afraid of falling, especially when I have absolutely no idea what I might land on. I wasn’t the least bit interested in breaking something due to plunging several meters through the darkness and crashing onto a rock.

I don’t think I’ve ever been as grateful for anything in recent memory as I was to reach the top of that ladder and close my hand around the door handle. I had a small moment of panic when I realized the door was the kind that could be locked, but I put that thought aside as quickly as I could and pushed on the door.

It opened onto a scene that could have been lifted straight out of a family film. I was in a warm, vibrant room filled with furniture, toys and decorations that looked as if they’d been brought there by children. On one wall, arranged in a crossword pattern, large brightly coloured animal themed letter decals spelled out LEO - ELLIE - VICTOR.

That was the moment I understood that I’d stumbled upon the infamous Hideout I’d heard mentioned so often in Victor’s anecdotes about growing up in Maple Grove. He may have been exaggerating when he’d referred to it one time as their ‘castle in the clouds’, but after my epic climb, I was willing to concede he may not have been stretching things too much with the cloud part of it. It was more like a hut than a castle, but I supposed that a ten or eleven year old who’d been given the keys to his own place might very well have felt like a king.

The ruler himself was sitting comfortably on a stack of pillows, with a can of orange juice in his hand. He raised his head in startled surprise when I entered, and leapt to his feet.

“Yuri!” he exclaimed. “What are you doing…? I mean, how did you find me? And how did you even get up here?”

“I followed you,” I said. “I ran. I… I climbed up the ladder, and…”

That was it. That was the point when my strength momentarily deserted me. I made it two steps toward my husband before I felt my legs go rubbery and I ended up on my backside on the crazily-patterned rug.

“Yuri!”

It took Victor about half a second to close the distance between us. He dropped to his knees beside me and took my face gently between his hands. He looked alarmed, and I instantly felt bad for inadvertently scaring him.

“It’s okay,” I said. “I’m all right.”

“That’s not what it looks like from here,” he said. “You know you shouldn’t be running, especially if you’re not feeling good. You didn’t hurt yourself, did you?”

“No. I’m tired, that’s all. It’s a long climb up here.”

“I don’t know what you were thinking.”

“I wanted to see you.” I raised my eyes to meet his gaze. “I promise, I’m fine. I just need to rest for a minute.”

“Not on the floor, and it’d better be for more than a minute," he said.

“Okay,” I agreed.

He scooped me up and carried me the three or four steps he needed to reach what was essentially an elongated camp chair. Camp sofa? Still holding me, he sat down and then let me slide off his lap so that my back was against the chair’s armrest and my legs were stretched across his. I started to sit up properly, but he held me in place with a hand on my knee.

“Keep your legs elevated,” he said. “You don’t want swollen feet.”

Sometimes I really hate my body. A normal person could probably run a few blocks, even in shoes not built for the purpose, and be unconcerned about some random problem like foot swelling, but not me. One of my medications makes me more prone to fluid retention, especially in my ankles and feet, and particularly after serious exertion. Swollen feet are more annoying and uncomfortable than painful, but nevertheless, Victor was right about me wanting to avoid it.

I will never cease to marvel at Victor’s seemingly selective awareness. He constantly misplaces things, forgets what he’s supposed to be doing, and struggles to concentrate, but when it comes to people in need, he’s unfailingly observant and attentive. Sometimes I think he knows my messed-up body and its quirks almost as well as I do, and he has a natural ability when it comes to caregiving. He would’ve made an amazing physical therapist or nurse.

I imagined him diligently tending to ill and injured people who needed him, and it wasn’t much of a leap of reasoning to say he’d be in his element in a profession like physical therapy or nursing. But what was he doing instead? Teaching middle-aged rich women how to pedal stationary bicycles and do bicep curls, and wasting his talents by focusing on caring for only me.

I’d kept him from whatever dreams he’d had, and the worst part was, I hadn’t even fully realized that until today.

“I’m sorry I’m so much trouble for you,” I said.

“This is what I’m here for." He tugged my shoes off my feet one by one and dropped them on the floor. "Somebody’s got to look after you, right?”

“I wish you didn’t have to.”

“Don’t wish that,” he said. “Remember the first time you let me hold you? If I hadn’t been looking after you that night, who knows when you might’ve worked up the courage to get into bed with me.”

“I remember,” I said. “And that’s exactly what I mean. The first time you cuddle with somebody or share a bed with them should be romantic and nice. It shouldn’t be with somebody who’s feverish and delirious and likely to be sick on you.”

To my surprise, Victor laughed. “Well, you know, it was kind of nice until you accidentally threw up in my bed.”

He may have found the memory amusing, but it had the opposite effect on me. My face burned with what must’ve been an intense blush and my eyes began to sting with the hot, prickly sensation of imminent tears. I didn’t like to be reminded of yet one more instance of my body betraying me and the humiliation it had caused.

“It wasn’t funny,” I mumbled.

“No, but something good happened because of it. Just think of all the nights you sneaked into my bed after that when you weren’t sick.”

I sighed. “It shouldn’t have happened that way. It wouldn’t have if I was normal. Maybe if I didn’t have anxiety and touch aversion and a whole list of medical problems, we’d have a different life. Maybe you could do what you wanted to do, instead of being tied down by me all the time.”

“Hey.” He rubbed my leg, employing the same long strokes and moderate pressure that he usually uses when he massages my back. “Look at me for a second. If you weren’t exactly who you are, we definitely would have a different life, but I don’t think it would be better. I mean, if things were different, we might not have met at all.”

“How would that not be better for you?” I said. “Think of all the things you could’ve done. Maybe you’d be in university now, halfway to becoming a physical therapist. You might have a cute house here and a spouse who could keep up with you.”

He didn’t say anything for several seconds. He continued to massage my leg, but I got the sense that the steady motion of his hand was more to calm himself than it was to ease any pain I might’ve had.

Finally, he said, “I know I’m not the brightest person, so maybe I’ve got this wrong, but it sounds like you’re trying to say you don’t want us to be together. So, I'm gonna ask you what I asked back at the house. Is that what you really want?"

“I want you to be happy,” I said.

“You think I’d be happy if I wasn’t with you?” He wasn’t looking at me, but I could tell from his body language that he was confused.

“You’re not happy now, when you are with me.”

“It’s not you,” he said.

“Isn’t it?”

“Did you follow me up here just to tell me that you thought it was you? Like, to say you want to leave me because you think you’re the problem?”

“I don’t know what the problem is, but right now it feels like it’s me,” I said. “And no, I don’t want to leave you. All I’m saying is, I’d understand if you want your life back. It should be an option for you, if it’d make things easier.”

“It wouldn’t,” he said. “Why would you say that?”

“Because,” I said. "Back at the house, you were right. You gave up everything for me and that is a very big deal. You’re always doing things for me, and it doesn’t seem fair for me to keep being such a burden to you all the time. I don’t even know how not to be one.”

“You’re not a burden.”

“I don’t know what else you’d call it.”

“You do lots of stuff for me. You were basically supporting me when I didn’t have a real job, and you taught me stuff like how to vacuum and iron and wash laundry,” he said. “And you know how to calm me down when I’ve got all that noise in my brain. Before you, the only person who could do that was Ellie.”

“Ellie.” I couldn’t keep the edge out of my voice as I repeated her name. “Your original soulmate.”

“What? No. It’s not like that. She’s like a sibling to me.”

“It doesn’t matter,” I said. “I can tell how much you love each other, and there’s no way I can compete with that. I can’t compete with everything you lost when you came to Matsumori. Leo and Ellie and your family and your goals and dreams. I can’t compete with… all this.” I gestured around at the room, meaning not just the Hideout, but all of Maple Grove and the wealth of memories it held for him.

“It’s not a competition,” he said. He lifted his hand and tapped my kneecap lightly. “Here, put your other leg on top so I can work on the circulation in that one too.”

I re-crossed them so the right leg was over the left. “It feels like one right now.”

“It’s not,” he said, as he resumed massaging. “Anyway, even if it was a competition, you already won it. I chose you, didn’t I?”

“Yes, but at the cost of your own happiness?”

He heaved a huge sigh. “Yuri, I don’t want to have this conversation. I know where it’s going and I’m not interested in going there,” he said. “Let’s just forget about the rest of this visit, okay? We’ll change our flight and leave as soon as we can. Everything’ll be fine if I get away from here and stop thinking about… about stuff.”

“What stuff?” I prompted.

“You know. The stuff I said about staying with my friends and family, and coaching swimming, and going to university.” He shrugged one shoulder. “If we go back to Japan now, I can forget all about that, and you won’t have to worry about feeling like you’re wrecking my life or competing with my friends. Everything’ll just fix itself.”

“Except it won’t fix itself,” I said. “You wouldn’t fix an illness or an injury by pretending it didn’t exist, would you?”

“That’s different.”

“No, it’s not,” I insisited. “You think I don’t know you’re hurting? I want to finish our conversation and try to work out whether or not there’s anything we can do. That’s why I followed you.”

“As far as I’m concerned, being apart from you isn’t an option,” he said. “So, there’s nothing we can do other than to go back... to go home together and try to forget what’s going on here.”

He said the word 'home' as if it were a bitter piece of fruit in his mouth. I wanted to call him out on it, to say Matsumori isn't home to you! Stop forcing yourself to call it that because you think it's what I want to hear!

Instead, I took the diplomatic approach as best as I was able. “You said the same thing about this trip,” I reminded him. “This visit was supposed to be an escape from our problems in Matsumori, remember?”

“Yeah, well I guess I’m not that great at dealing with stuff.”

“I know,” I reached over and covered his hand with mine. “But, that’s what I’m here for. As long as you want me around.”

“Of course I want you around,” he said.

“All right. Can we figure this out?”

He shook his head. “I don’t know how to start.”

“How about, let’s start with something to drink and maybe a spot to sit or lie down that’s more comfortable than this camp chair thing?” I suggested.

“I’m sorry,” he said. “I forgot. A good host is supposed to offer his guest something to drink as soon as he comes in.”

I had to smile at that. “I won’t hold it against you. You did offer me a really nice leg massage when I arrived, so I think that scores higher marks than juice.”

“You’re probably thirsty though, aren’t you? There’s orange juice and water.”

“Water, please,” I said. “I could probably use the calories in the orange juice, but I think water would quench my thirst better. Besides, it’ll be easier to keep down. It’s one thing to get sick at home, but this isn’t my house or my furniture.”

“Generous of you to call this a house.”

“I thought you once told me it was a castle.”

“It’s been a lot of things,” he said. “Castle, spaceship, secret spy base, pirate lair. A little imagination can go a long way, you know. Mostly, this was our safe space. We have a little spot down by the river where we’d go to talk too, but there are times when you can’t sit outside. We could always come up here, no matter the time of day or what the weather was like.“

"Everyone needs a safe space.”

“Yeah,” he said. “It’s a good thing this place can’t speak, because these walls have heard a lot of secrets.”

“The more I learn about your childhood, the more I see how different it was from mine,” I said.

“You and Seiji and Takahiro didn’t have a secret hideout?”

“I don’t think we have the same kind of relationship that you have with your friends. We didn’t tell each other that many secrets,” I said. “The first person I really told any of my secrets to was you.”

He seemed to take that in and think it over for a moment before commenting. “Maybe that explains it.”

“Explains what?” I asked.

“Let me grab you a bottle of water,” he said, easing my legs off his lap as he spoke. He got up and opened the mini-fridge. “It explains why you’re jealous of my friends.”

“Excuse me? I’m not…” I began, but closed my mouth quickly. It was stupid to contradict the obvious. I suppose I’d known it all along, but I’d been denying it to myself because I didn’t want to be that person. I didn’t want to be the horrible jealous spouse who made life miserable for his partner.

My problem is probably the same problem faced by a lot of people who’ve lived through emotional trauma, neglect, bullying or abuse. We learn not to trust. We learn to be afraid and to be vigilant for signs of potential harm everywhere. Then, when we’re fortunate enough to find somebody who truly loves us and who we feel safe enough to let our guard down with, we attach to them in unhealthy ways. We’re reluctant to share their attention, and we don’t want them to be influenced by others who might convince them we’re not worth it after all.

No, not 'we’, I told myself. Don’t generalize. You can’t speak for anyone else. Just admit all that's what you do.

It was a difficult pill to swallow.

I got up from the camp chair and crossed the room to the bed, which turned out to be an air mattress with a fully-opened sleeping bag spread across it. I’d never laid on an air mattress before, but anything had to be better than the unpadded chair with its metal frame pressing into me. The mattress sank down a little when I first got onto it, but I stretched out on it anyway and found that it was unexpectedly comfortable.

Victor joined me, and handed me a bottle of water. “You should probably sit up to drink this.”

“Thanks,” i said. “I might need a little help.”

“Yeah, these things don’t have a whole lot of support if there’s not enough air in them.” He patted the mattress. “They sort of suck you in and make it so you can’t move. Sorry about that.”

He helped me sit up so I could drink, but I was only able to take a few mouthfuls of water before I started feeling sick. I looked at him in dismay as I handed the bottle back. “I hate to tell you this, but I don’t think it’s going to be a very good night.”

“It already wasn’t shaping up to be great, was it?” he said.

“I guess not.”

“What do you want to do?”

“About what?” I asked. “I don’t think there’s much I can do except rest and hope I’m at least a little better by morning.”

“That’s what I meant,” he said. “But I assumed you’d rather be in a real bed.”

“I would, but I think this’ll be all right. We can stay here, can’t we?”

“If you’re okay with it, I think that’d be the safest,” he said. “I’d be too worried about you trying to climb down if you’re not feeling strong enough, and there’s really no way I can help you down by myself.”

“What if I can’t get down in the morning?”

“I’ll get Uncle Stephen or Leo to help us,” he said. “Hopefully you’ll be fine, though.”

“Hopefully,” I agreed. “Should we tell your mother where we are?”

“Do you have your phone?”

“I don’t,” I admitted. “Why? Don’t you have yours?”

“Don’t judge,” he said. “But I was so mad when I left the house, I didn’t even think about putting on my jacket. That’s where my phone is. In the pocket of my jacket, on the coat tree by the back door.”

“I’m not going to judge you about where your phone is. Mine’s under a pillow in your bedroom.”

“Should I ask why?”

“Because I panicked,” I told him. “I was trying to research tent camping, and I got a little scared by the results.”

“You really don’t have to go if you don’t want to.”

“I know,” I said. “But I think I should, if I’m feeling well enough on the weekend.”

“Okay. If you’re sure.”

“I’m not sure in the least, but it’s like you always tell me. If I don’t try, I’ll never know what good thing might happen.”

“Do I say that? That sounds kind of deep for me.”

I offered him a small smile. “Half the time, I don’t think you realize how intelligent you are.”

“Probably because people tell me I’m dumb.”

“You’re not dumb. No matter what anybody tells you, you are intelligent,” I said. “You’re right about a lot of things, and if people don’t pay attention to you, that’s on them.”

For a while after that, we were silent. Victor lay next to me and held my hand, idly stroking my knuckles with his thumb, but that was the extent of our contact. Still, it was enough for the moment.

I was relieved that we’d both calmed down enough to be near each other, but I wondered if we’d actually resolved anything with our disjointed conversation so far. I still felt like there was a lot we needed to say, and things we needed to make decisions on. I wasn’t happy about Victor’s impulsive declaration that the only answer was to return to Matsumori as soon as possible, and I was even less happy with my own apparent inability to say what was on my mind, to tell him the real reason I’d run like hell to catch him.

The reason wasn’t to set him free, as he’d assumed. Although I hadn’t been lying when I said I’d accept it if he wanted his old life back, that was far from what I wanted. In fact, it was exactly the opposite.

Expressing my very real worry and guilt and shame over being a burden to him hadn’t been a way to encourage him to leave. On the contrary. It was a very loud cry for attention from someone who was terrified of being abandoned and who was jealous in a sad and desperately frightened way. I wanted him to feel sorry for me because I must’ve known that his instinct to nurture would draw him closer to me rather than push him away. If I had my way, I’d never be parted from him.

Hindsight is a double-edged sword.

On one hand, thinking about all this made me despise myself for being so manipulative, even if I’d done it mostly unwittingly; however, on the other hand, I was grateful to be self-aware enough to see it as bad behaviour. even if it took me a while to recognize. I have no idea how to repair this flaw, but knowing about it must be the first step, right?

Victor must’ve been doing some thinking of his own. He squeezed my hand lightly, and a second later I heard, “Yuri?”

“Yes?”

“I’m sorry I got so angry with you,” he said, and he did sound very contrite.

I opened my eyes and turned my head so I could look at him. “It’s okay,” I said.

“No, it’s not. I wanted so bad for you to like my friends, and I wanted all of us to have a good time together. It never occurred to me that you wouldn’t want anything to do with them. I was upset because I expected something from you that maybe you can’t even do. That’s why I got mad.”

“You had every right to be angry,” I said. “I haven’t been very fair to you either, or to your friends.”

“All I wanted was for everyone to get along,” he said. “I love you so much, and I love them, and… I don’t know. I just wanted everybody I love to love each other. Maybe that’s stupid wishful thinking.”

“It’s not stupid,” I said. “And it’s not that I don’t like your friends or that I don’t want anything to do with them. It’s just that I find them overwhelming, and…” I let the sentence fade away, unfinished.

“And what?”

Taking a steadying breath, I forged ahead. If we were going to settle anything, this needed to be the time for candor. “You were right earlier, when you said I was jealous of them. I didn’t want to admit that, but it’s true.”

“Oh,” was his only response.

“I’m sorry,” I said. “You’ve been spending so much time with them, and you’re so close with them, I was starting to feel like an outsider. But instead of trying to fit in, I retreated because I was scared, but that only made me feel worse.”

“Is that what you meant when you said you couldn’t compete with them?”

“Yes.”

It’s still not a competition,“ he said. "Leo and Ellie and I have known each other literally our whole lives, so of course we’re going to be close, but the way I feel about them isn’t the same way I feel about you. Ellie’s not my original soulmate, as you put it. You are. You’re my original, one and only.”

“Why don’t I feel like it right now?”

“Because it’s like you said. You’re scared.” He rolled onto his side and propped himself up on one elbow, making it easier for us to look into each other’s eyes without requiring me to move. “Listen, I get it now, and I promise I never meant for it to be like this. I don’t want you to be scared. I never want that.”

“It’s not your fault,” I said. “I’m the one with the irrational insecurity.”

“Is it irrational, though? I mean, since I moved to Matsumori it’s been just us. I know you guys all knew about each other before I moved, and you’ve talked to Leo and Ellie online, but it was probably a shock to see how the team is in person.”

“It was,” I conceded. “And it’s hard to hear you refer to yourselves as the team too. That makes me feel like I don’t belong.”

He looked away from me briefly. “I… I never even thought of that,” he said, and then very softly. “Ellie was right.”

“What?”

“Something Ellie told me yesterday evening when we were talking in our spot by the river,” he said. “She said… she said I need to make you part of the team.”

I have to confess, that revelation caught me off-guard. “Ellie said that?”

“Yeah. She wants to be your friend and Leo does too. All of us want you to feel like you belong, but I need to know how we can make that happen.”

“Show me that I’m just as important to you as they are," I said.

“You are,” he said. “You’re the most important.”

“Then show me,” I repeated.

“How am I supposed to do that?”

“You could start by asking Ellie not to touch you so much, or at least not to touch you in front of me,” I said. “I don’t like that. It makes me uncomfortable.”

“Okay, but… would she still be allowed to hug me sometimes? You know I’m a hugger.”

“I know,” I said. “You can hug, but no more random cuddling and holding hands, and no more letting her sleep in the same bed as you, even if it is totally innocent.”

“Uh… that could be a problem when we go camping. I did mention that we’re all sleeping in the same tent, right?”

“She’s not allowed to sleep next to you,” I said.

“Okay,” he agreed. “Anything else?”

“Would it be okay if we did some things with just one of them at a time? i enjoyed myself yesterday evening when Ellie was over. Or I did until bedtime. It’s a little easier for me to get to know them when I’m not feeling anxious and overwhelmed.”

“I can ask them,” he said. “Leo wants to go up to the mountains for some snowboarding, so maybe we can do that when you’re feeling better, and Ellie probably still wants to go to the pool. She volunteers at the dog shelter too, so maybe we can go there and play with the dogs. Would you like that?”

I smiled at the possibility of being surrounded by dogs. “I’d love to visit the dog shelter.”

“You can’t bring any of them home,” he said. “That’s the only rule.”

“That’s fair,” I said. “My heart is already taken by my one and only dog, anyway.”

“Be careful you don’t make me jealous,” he teased.

I gently tugged him down next to me, and he obligingly flopped over and rested his head on my shoulder. I wove my fingers into his hair. “There’s room in my heart for both of you,” I said. “I think metaphysical hearts expand. The more people you love, the bigger they get.”

I didn’t have to explain that Sango was included in the definition of people. Victor understood that perfectly, I was certain.

He trailed a fingertip across my chest. “That must mean yours is growing.”

“Maybe it’ll be as big as yours some day.”

“That’s the other thing about hearts,” he said. “Every size is the perfect size. They have exactly enough room for the people you choose to let in, and if that’s only two or three, it’s okay. You know what you’re capable of.”

“Is it enough?”

“Yeah, it is. Nobody expects you to open your heart to the entire world. As long as you’re doing what you can, it’s enough,” he said. “We’ll take it slow with my friends, all right? I know you’re scared and that it’s hard for you to let people in, but I promise it’ll be okay. I’ll explain everything to them, and we’ll all do our best.”

I moved my head in a sort of nod. “All right.”

I was still unsure, but I told myself that I owed it to Victor to make an effort to be friends with Leo and Ellie. All I could do was hope he was right, and that everything would indeed turn out to be okay.

[stargazer-sims]

Journal Entry #1

previous // next // story index

_____

Victor

Hey, everyone! It’s me, Victor. Welcome to my online journal.

I’ve never kept a journal of any kind before, so I actually have no clue what I’m doing. Other than messing around with my friends, recording ourselves doing skateboard tricks or stupid dance moves, I’ve never made a serious video before either, so this is gonna be an experience. I decided to go with a video journal because... I don’t know. I’m not that great at writing. Plus, talking on a video feels more authentic to me somehow.

I’m gonna post this online, not that I expect to get internet famous or really even to have a huge audience. The idea of uploading it is mostly so I don’t fill up all the storage space on my phone with a zillion videos of me rambling about my life. I mean, if anybody wants to watch it, here it is. Don’t expect movie quality. I’m not a professional videographer or anything like that. I'm just an average guy with a smartphone and a lot of thoughts about stuff.

So, since this is the first entry, I guess I should tell you something about myself, right? Do kind of an introduction like, “Who is this Victor guy anyway?”

My full name is Victor Thomas Edward Nelson, I’m 25 years old and my birthday is the second of December. I’m from a medium-sized Canadian town called Maple Grove, which is kind of a boring place, if I’m being honest. I love it, but it’s not particularly known for major events or exciting times. My hometown is big enough to have an industrial park, a mall, a community college and a world-class athletic centre, though. Believe it or not, we even have an airport. It’s tiny and it’s mostly for shipping freight from the warehouses and manufacturing places at the outskirts of town, but passenger flights do go in and out of there too. You have to literally walk across the tarmac and climb a gigantic set of movable stairs to board the plane, but still.

Okay, let’s see. What other random facts about me can I share?

My favourite colour is red. I like food, hanging out with my friends, playing video games, and taking way too many selfies which I shamelessly post on Instagram. Some people say I’m hyper and that I’m over the top, but I like to think of myself as energetic, enthusiastic and adventurous.

I love sports, particularly winter sports like snowboarding and skating. Especially snowboarding! Fortunately for me, I currently live in a mountain town in Japan, about half an hour outside Kyoto, where I can snowboard all year long. I’m really good at snowboarding, even if I say so myself. In fact, I do it competitively, and I’ve won medals. My friends say I’m a showoff, but I say if you’ve got a talent, why hide it?

Another thing I enjoy is travelling. I’ve always loved adventures, and I’ve been all over the world for snowboarding competitions, but I don’t think I realized before how much fun it is to travel for pleasure and for discovery rather than for a specific purpose like an international sporting event. Moving from my hometown in Canada all the way to Japan was so exciting that now I’ve decided I want to travel the world for fun. I think I was bitten by that particular bug the minute I stepped off the plane in Kyoto and into a brand new environment that I’d never seen before, with the knowledge that I had plenty of time ahead of me to relax and explore.

Oh, I guess you’ll want to know why I came to Japan in the first place, right? It wasn’t only for the snowboarding, and I’m more than happy to tell you all about it.

The real reason I’m here is to be with the love of my life, my soulmate and best friend, Yuri Okamoto. He’s beautiful, smart and brave, and he gets me like nobody else ever has.

Yuri and I met online, on a forum for snowboarding enthusiasts. I’d like to say there was an instant connection between us, but I think Yuri would deny that. It’s probably more appropriate to say I was instantly smitten when I was scrolling through a sub-forum where people posted about new equipment and saw a photo of him posing with his new board. He looked so cute, and I couldn’t resist posting a comment to express just that.

It took me a few minutes to figure out that straight-up commenting “You’re cute!” on a photo of a complete stranger might not have been the smartest or most appropriate move. So, in hopes of redeeming myself, I sent him a private message with a proper introduction. It took him a couple days to reply – he probably thought I was some weird stalker or something – but eventually he got back to me with an introduction of his own. We started chatting after that, and things evolved from there.

We met in November, a few weeks before my twenty-first birthday. Yuri had turned twenty a couple months earlier, in September. It’s hard to believe we’ve known each other for four and a half years already.

It wasn’t long until Yuri and I stopped chatting exclusively through private messages on the forum and moved our conversations to phone calls, texts and video chats instead. By February, we both knew that we were going to be more than friends.

Let me tell you, long-distance relationships are hard. Yuri and I wanted to be together in person, and as time went on, we felt the strain of being apart more and more. In the three and a half years between first meeting him and actually coming here to be with him, I finished college and got a job. I hoarded as much money as possible from my pay cheques and also from competition prize money, and I threw myself into learning Japanese so I’d be ready when the day eventually came.

Finally, when it felt as if neither of us could hold out any longer, I made up my mind to leave home. I gave up the lease on my flat, sold my car, my desktop computer, and my sad college student furniture, and packed the rest of my worldly possessions so I could make the voyage to be with my love. It was terrifying to leave everyone and everything I’d ever known, but it was absolutely the right choice. Being with Yuri makes it all worth it. Also, Matsumori Town is stunning, and have I mentioned the year-round snowboarding? Year-round snowboarding! But, anyway…

Yuri’s glad I’m here too, although I think he thinks I could’ve put more thought into planning my move. Yuri is more circumspect than me, which is a good thing because we balance each other. I can be a little impulsive sometimes, so having a partner who’s more cautious helps keep me from getting into too much trouble.

I’ve been here for about sixteen months now, and it’s amazing. I never want to leave. Not unless Yuri comes with me.

Our friends here tease us a lot about how close we are. We’re always together, not that either of us is complaining about that. Yuri works remotely about ninety percent of the time, and I don’t currently have a job other than teaching swimming lessons at the local pool, so unless I’m training up on the mountain or he’s in the city for some work thing, there’s no reason for us not to be together.

Another thing our friends seem to love teasing us about is our names. Apparently, we have the same names as the main characters from an anime series that’s very popular here in Japan. I've never seen it. Full disclosure, I usually can’t sit still long enough for television unless its a show or movie I'm really into. I'm not all that into anime.

Yuri says we kind of resemble those two anime characters as well, especially because the Yuri character has classic Japanese looks and the Victor character has white hair and blue eyes. My hair in real life is prematurely silver and I have blue eyes too.

I’m fine with taking Yuri’s word for the fact that we have some kind of resemblance to these anime guys, but I can assure you that we are our own unique, individual selves and any resemblance to animated fictional characters is purely coincidental.

All right! Now, on to the reason why I’m making this journal. Even though I’d be perfectly happy to go on for ages about my adorable Yuri, the real reason I’m doing this is to chronicle my travels, not just here in Japan, but in other parts of the world too.

My next voyage is going to be to the island of Kainani. I’ve been putting a bit of money aside ever since I got here, and now I have enough for a two-week trip, without seriously depleting the rest of my savings. As much as I love winter and the cool, fresh air of Matsumori, the idea of visiting a tropical paradise where it never snows truly fascinates me. I won’t get to do any snowboarding while I’m there, but I’ll bet there’ll be lots of water sports I can try. I’ve been looking at travel books about the island, and I’ve heard all the legends about the merfolk of Kainani. Not sure those are true, but maybe if I’m lucky, I’ll find out.

The only thing that worries me about going to a place where it never snows is what the weather might get up to in lieu of snowing. Like, maybe thunderstorms? I can’t stand thunderstorms. Camping on the beach is going to be awesome, but I’m not sure what I’ll do if there are any thunderstorms, especially if Yuri isn’t around to console me. He’s really good at that.

Maybe I can convince him to come along.

In any event, I guess I’ll figure everything out as I go. I know I have to do some planning, but I don’t like to organize my life too much. I like spontaneity. Yuri says I’m impetuous, but I prefer carefree.

Whatever happens, I’ll be sure to keep this journal updated so you can follow along with me on my adventures. See you soon!

[stargazer-sims]

Journal Entry #9 (part one)

previous // next // story index

__________

Yuri

Hello, everyone. Yuri here.

The past few days haven’t been the easiest, and I’m not feeling well, but Victor’s home with me now and that makes everything more bearable. I’m exhausted, but I’m happy because I’m no longer on my own. It’s amazing what a difference it makes when you know you’re not alone.

A lot has happened since the last time I added anything to our journal, and It’s hard to believe that was only a little over a week ago. I suppose the most logical place to start this tale is with what happened before Victor got home. For that, I actually need to go back and explain to you about yesterday and the day before. That’s where this awful story really begins. You may be relieved to know that it does have a happier ending than beginning, but I’ll get to that.

You remember I told you that Victor’s mother is coming here? Well, Dr. Nelson telling me that she’s planning to pay us an extended visit isn’t the only unexpected announcement I’ve received, and if I thought the idea of Victor’s mother imminently landing on our doorstep was the most stressful thing I’d have to face this week, I would’ve been wrong. The events of yesterday and the day before topped that a hundredfold.

The day before yesterday, I’d just been going about my business in the evening, putting in a load of laundry and mentally weighing my options for dinner, when our landlady, Mrs. Ito, showed up. She’s not the type to make social calls, so I had no idea why she’d come over. I’d already paid our rent and given her the invoice from the repair service we’d hired to fix our oven. She had no other reason to be there as far as I knew.

Fortunately or unfortunately, depending on one’s perspective, It didn’t take her long to come to the point. In an utterly matter of fact tone, she informed me that she’s planning to sell the house. She wants to start renovating it as soon as possible, and so Victor and I have to move out by the beginning of next month.

Needless to say, I was stunned by the news. I’ve been living in this house for four years, and it’s become more of a home to me than my family home was. It’s a modest house in a less desirable part of town and admittedly needs some repairs, but it’s cozy and it’s affordable, and I’m comfortable in it. The thought of losing the house I’d found and rented by myself with no help from my parents – the home I’ve made my own and now share with my soulmate – filled me with a mixture of heartache, trepidation and fear. Mrs. Ito must’ve seen the emotion on my face, but she didn’t seem the least bit apologetic when she said she was sorry to be the bearer of bad news.

To say I was concerned about this development would be an understatement. I panicked. I didn’t know two days ago, and I still don’t know how we’ll manage a move on such short notice or how we’re going to find somewhere else to live that we can afford. Matsumori isn’t the most budget-friendly town in our country when it comes to housing, and we’re currently a one-income household. Victor doesn’t have a full-time job at the moment. He’s going to look for one now that he’s back, but that doesn’t help us in the short term.

Why couldn’t Mrs. Ito have put this off for one more day? I wondered.

If she would’ve told us about this last night instead of Thursday night, Victor would’ve been here. To be fair, he’d probably have been panicking way more than I was, but at least we’d have heard about it together and we could’ve leaned on each other for support in the first moments after finding out.

I debated whether or not I should tell Victor about our now precarious housing arrangements during our nightly call. He’d be bursting to share everything about his last full day on Kainani Island and he'd be excited about the flight back, and I didn’t want to kill his enthusiasm by dropping something like this on him. Besides, there would be nothing he could do to help me with the situation between then and when he got home in any case, so I concluded it’d be best to wait.

After Mrs. Ito left, I sat at the kitchen table for a long time, staring at my untouched food. I hadn’t been hungry to begin with and I only had the goal of consuming a meal because I knew I was supposed to, but after Mrs. Ito’s bombshell announcement, there was no way I could make myself eat. It was too much of an effort; one I had neither the energy nor the motivation for. I covered the bowl of rice and vegetables, and put it into the fridge. Then, I made myself a mug of ginger tea and curled up with it on the sofa, hoping that the hot liquid would help settle my rebellious, painful stomach, even if it didn’t soothe my mind.

Please don’t let this be the start of a serious flare-up, I thought. Now would be the absolute worst time for me to be ill. I don’t need any extra problems.

The tea did not help. I couldn’t even finish it. I held the mug in my hands until it grew cold, wishing it had been a magical solution to everything that was bad about that day.

My mind raced with every possible worst-case scenario. I pictured us couch surfing at Takahiro and Seiji’s place, or possibly sleeping at the youth hostel for an uncomfortably long period of time. Neither of those was pleasant to contemplate, but the possibility that really frightened me was that Victor and I might be separated. I recoiled at the idea that he might have to go back to his country. If our housing situation was unstable for too long, it might have an effect on his immigration process, which was almost completed. We were so close to the point where he’d have permanent residence here, and I was already legitimately terrified that something would go wrong with it. I was certain I couldn’t bear it if he had to leave me, and the worst part was that it’d all be totally beyond our control.

Huddled on the sofa, miserable and scared, I felt completely lost and alone.

I pulled my phone out of my pocket and began to dial a number from memory. My mother’s line rang several times, but she didn’t answer. It went through to voicemail instead. Just to hear the sound of her voice, I listened to the entirety of her voicemail greeting before I hung up.

Then I dialled another number.

In retrospect, I have no idea why I did it. I don’t know what I was thinking, to have even the slightest confidence that it’d be a good idea. But I suppose we all feel the pull of family in difficult times, even if our families aren’t the best source of support. Families are supposed to love us, and I expect we all live in hope, even just a little.

I regretted my actions almost instantly after my father’s line stopped ringing and I heard his voice.

“Kenji Okamoto here.” His tone was abrupt, irritated.

I fought the urge to hang up immediately, and took a steadying breath. “Papa, it’s Yuri.”

There was no greeting, no asking me how I was doing. It was just, “I’m busy, Yuri. What do you need?”

“I… don’t know,” I said, because all of a sudden I really didn’t. I might’ve been lonely and worried, but I would much rather have suffered in solitude than to face my father’s judgment. If Mama had answered her phone, I would’ve been able to tell her how I was feeling and she would’ve offered some empathy, but I wasn’t labouring under any false belief that my father would demonstrate either empathy or understanding.

Since feelings weren’t something he’d be interested in hearing about, I opted to be direct. “Victor and I have to move out of our house.”

“Why?” my father asked.

“The landlady is selling it.”

“Well,” he said. “Interesting. That might be a blessing in disguise.”

“What?” I blurted, caught off guard by his reaction. He almost seemed pleased about it.

“If you have to move out, then that man you’re living with can go back to whichever country he came from and you can come home so your mother can look after you properly.”

“That man I’m living with is my soulmate,” I said. “His name is Victor, and he looks after me.”

“I know his name. Does he have a job yet?”

“No, but—”

“Then, he’s not looking after you, is he?”

“Everything in life isn’t about money, you know,” I said. “Caring for someone isn’t all about what kind of financial contribution they make.”

My father made a derisive noise. “He’s not appropriate for you. There are plenty of acceptable people from here that you could be with. You didn’t need to take up with that foreigner, just to prove a point,” he said. “And if it’s not about money, why are you calling? If that man wasted less time on the mountain and spent more time doing something to help provide for you, I doubt you’d even be speaking to me right now.”

“I’m not asking you for money,” I told him. “And you don’t get to decide whether Victor is appropriate for me or not.“

"If you aren’t asking for money, then let me get back to my original question. What do you need?”

My composure was slipping, but I was absolutely desperate not to cry. I promised myself long ago that I would never let my father see or hear me cry again. I curled my free hand into a fist, digging the tips of my nails into the flesh of my palm and clenching my fingers so hard that they cramped. The pain helped me focus on something other than the huge knot in my stomach and the fierce burn of tears behind my eyes.

“I just needed to know that my family cares about me.” My voice was weak, even to myself. “I wanted to know that there’s someone I can rely on when I need help.”

“I care about you,” he said. He sounded offended. “I said you can come home, didn’t I?”

“Yes, but—"

"You’re more than welcome to come home and live with us, but you’re not to bring that foreigner into our house.”

That was the point at which I could no longer hold onto my self-control. “Stop referring to him like that! He has a name!”

“Fine,” said my father. “You may stay here without Victor. And I’ll thank you not to use that disrespectful tone with me in future, Yuri. Do you understand?”

“I understand,” I said. “Now, I hope you understand what I’m about to say to you. I called you because I thought, for once, you’d offer to do something to make life easier for me instead of more difficult, but I guess that was a mistake on my part, wasn’t it?”

“You know, your life wouldn’t be so difficult if you’d go about it more sensibly,” he declared.

“If I’d do everything you want me to, you mean,” I retorted.

“It’s easier to swim with the current than against it.”

“Well, maybe I don’t like the direction this particular river is flowing,” I said. “Thank you for the offer to let me come home, but I don’t want to live with you. I’m not interested in living anywhere Victor isn’t wanted, and I’m not accepting help that has conditions attached to it. I’m your son. This isn’t how it’s meant to go.”

“Yes, you are my son and I’m willing to fully support you, which is my duty as your parent. I have no obligation and no intention to support your… What did you call him? Your soulmate? Ridiculous.”

“There’s nothing ridiculous about my relationship with Victor. It’s a real relationship, and we belong together, whether you approve or not.”

“I don’t approve,” my father stated. “And I’m sorry if you feel that my refusal to provide for someone who should be providing for himself is a condition, but I see no sense in throwing my money at a lazy, freeloading foreigner. He’s already taken advantage of you. He will not be doing that to me and your mother.”

“Fine,” I said, my voice shaking with the effort to give the impression of calm. “You’ve made yourself perfectly clear. I suppose this means we’re done.”

“If you refuse to see reason, I suppose it does, but you’re free to call me again if you change your mind.”

There were a million furious replies in my brain, all competing to leave my mouth at once. I wanted to yell at my father, to act out every bit of anger and resentment and frustration he’d ever caused me to feel. But, of course I didn’t do it. There wouldn’t have been any point. It wouldn’t have made one bit of difference and the only result would’ve been that he’d say I was behaving like a spoiled child.

My father, Kenji Okamoto, isn’t the most easygoing person at the best of times. He’s an exacting man who demands nothing less than his vision of perfection from those around him. Being unable to meet his expectations is not a position anyone wants to find themselves in. Trust me. I’ve been living in that shadow for the past twenty-four years.

Of all the people in my father’s life, I think I disappoint him the most. What he wanted was a strong, capable and outgoing son who would marry a socially acceptable woman, give him grandchildren, and some day take over the leadership of our family’s internationally successful electronics company. What he got was me, a frail, introverted boy who’d rather spend time with his violin and his books than with most people, and who has no interest whatsoever in managing an organization that sells overpriced televisions and mobile phones to customers in other countries. He thinks that my job is insignificant, that my friends are irresponsible and shiftless, and that my hobbies are a waste of time. Worst of all, he despises my sweet, beautiful Victor.

Of everything my father has ever said or done to hurt me, the fact that he dislikes and disapproves of Victor hurts me most of all.

Victor makes me happy. He completes me, protects me, and treats me like I’m the most precious treasure in the world. He doesn’t see a timid, ill boy who needs constant care and supervision, like my family sees when they look at me. They think I’m weak and that I can’t manage my own life.

Victor says I’m delicate, but not to demean me in the way my father would if he said it. To Victor, delicacy isn’t the opposite of strength. He says I remind him of the maple saplings along the river in his hometown; they may look fragile and they may bend, but they rarely break even in the worst storms.

I was wretchedly unhappy before Victor came into my life. Although I had friends and a job and things I liked to do for fun, I still felt unwanted and unfulfilled. I needed the close human connection that I should’ve had with my family, and I needed to feel like I was important to somebody. My desperate wish was for someone – anyone – to look at me and tell me that I mattered. And then there was Victor, a complete stranger on the internet who saw me and found something in me that no one else ever had before.

Victor and I met four and a half years ago in an online group for snowboarding enthusiasts. Little did I suspect that a random comment on a photo would permanently alter the trajectory of my life.

I’d posted a picture of myself on the mountain that my friend Takahiro had taken, and Victor replied to it with a purple heart emoji and “You’re cute!” As you might imagine, that wasn’t the sort of response I’d expected, especially not for a weird photo of me jokingly clutching my snowboard against me like a lover, my hair sticking up crazily and my face pink from the cold. I was put off by the forwardness of it at first, but when I discovered a private message with a lengthy introduction from him the next day, I couldn’t help being intrigued.

We chatted every day after that, only through private messages on the website at first, but we quickly progressed to texts, phone calls and video chats. Then, nearly seventeen months ago, he moved here. I couldn’t possibly have been more thrilled when I understood that he intended to stay with me permanently.

I wish my father would try to understand how Victor and I care for each other, and how much our relationship means to both of us. I love Victor more than I’ve ever loved anyone, and he’s helped open up my world in ways I could never have imagined. I want my family to get to know the person I know. I want them to see the person who embraces everyone he meets as if they were never strangers, the one who isn’t afraid to try new things and encourages me to step past the barriers of my own fear, the impulsive, adventurous, affectionate and compassionate man who loves me unconditionally.

Victor has never done anything to disrespect my father or anyone else in my family. He’s tried his best to be courteous and kind, but it doesn’t seem to matter. My father can’t see past Victor’s differences from us, nor does he seem willing to overcome his prejudices. To him, Victor will always be an outsider, never belonging, a foreigner who should go back to where he came from.

I didn’t say goodbye to my father when our conversation was over. I lowered my phone and quietly pressed the ‘end call’ button.

On the verge of tears, the only other person I could think to call was Dr. Nelson, thousands of kilometres away. I didn’t know what she’d be doing or whether it’d be okay to interrupt her, but the last time we talked, she’d said I could call her if I needed anything. She may not have anticipated that I’d take her up on it so soon, but I really didn’t know who else I could turn to.

When she answered, she sounded as bright as always. “Grace Nelson speaking.”

“Dr. Nelson? It’s Yuri.”

“Hi, sweetheart,” she said. “What a surprise, getting two calls from you within a week! Everything all right?”

“No. I… I need…” But I couldn’t make it any further than that. The genuine concern and love in her voice when she asked if everything was okay was so vastly different from what I’d just experienced with my father, the emotional impact of it was too much for me. I couldn’t keep myself together any longer. Without really wanting to, but completely unable to stop myself, I started crying.

I needed to tell her why I was calling, but my attempts to get the whole story out only resulted in me stumbling over my words, gasping out incoherent sentences in the ragged breaths between sobs.

“Yuri!” Dr. Nelson’s tone was firm but kind. “I can’t understand you, sweetheart. I need you to speak English and slow down, okay? Can you do that for me?

I struggled to get my breathing evened out, which was no easy feat, but I was eventually able to reach a point where I could talk almost normally again. “I... I’m sorry.”

“Are you okay? And Victor?”

“Y-yes. Victor’s fine. He’s coming home tomorrow,” I said. “It’s something else. We need help, and my father was being completely unreasonable, and… and I don’t know what to do.”

“Tell me,” Dr. Nelson said gently. "Take your time.”

I told her the whole thing, about Mrs. Ito’s visit and about my conversation with my father, and my fears about what would happen to Victor and me. I felt awful about burdening her with it. I finished with, “With everything that’s happening, I don’t think you’ll be able to come visit us now. I’m sorry.”

“What do you mean?” she said. “Of course I’m still coming. By the sound of things, the two of you are going to need me there more than ever.”

"But I don’t even know where Victor and I are going to stay after this, and I don’t want to trouble you.”

"Sweetheart, don’t you even think of worrying about that. Taking care of you and Victor isn’t any trouble to me, and I was planning to come anyway, wasn’t I? I’ll stay with you where you are right now, as long as we can, and then we’ll all stay together in your new home. Our visit might look a bit different than we’d planned, but that’s okay.”

“Thank you,” I said. “I don’t know what to say.”

“You’ve already said thank you. That’s enough. I’ll help you pack and arrange everything, and if you need a little extra money, I don’t mind helping you with that.”

Strangely, the idea of accepting money from Victor’s mother didn’t make me feel the same way my father’s offer of support had. Gratefully, I said, “I appreciate your help, and I’m sure Victor will too.”

“I’m the mom,” she said. “Helping my boys when they need me is what I do. It’s the only proper thing.”

My boys. I hadn’t missed the way Grace Nelson had included me, as if I were equal to Victor as her son. I wondered how it was possible that a woman from another country, who I’d never met face-to-face, could love me and care about me more than my own family did.

“Thank you so much,” I said, because I could think of nothing more adequate.

“When Victor gets home, give him a cuddle from me and tell him I’ll see him soon,” she said. “Try not to upset yourself too much over this. For the next little while, you’ll need all your strength.”

“Okay,” I said.

“I’ll be there as soon as I can,” she promised. “Don't worry. Everything’ll be all right.”

[stargazer-sims]

Journal Entry #25

previous // next // story index

__________

Yuri

At the ripe old age of twenty-five, I’ve had my first hangover. I give the experience zero out of five stars and would not recommend it.

Last night, I may have gone a bit overboard at the dance bar. I’m not supposed to drink with my medications, and I'm usually good about it, but I like a drink now and then and sometimes I let myself indulge. Typically, I limit myself to one cocktail or one glass of wine, just enough to make me feel relaxed, but I'm not sure what happened to my self-control last night. I managed to work my way through three drinks, which I can assure you was not one of my better life choices.

Victor and I had a fabulous time at the bar. We danced until I was exhausted, performed some breathtakingly horrible karaoke duets, and laughed a lot. With two fizzy cocktails already under my belt before I even got onto the dance floor, I wasn’t the least bit concerned about who was watching us or what their opinions of us might’ve been. I felt like a superstar, and nobody was going to stop me from enjoying myself.

The dance bar runs an ongoing contest in which guests can win a prize if they can throw a dart and hit the bullseye on the dartboard. Before we left, Victor decided he wanted to have a go at it. I sat at the counter and ordered my third drink while I watched him.

My assumption is that they don’t get a lot of winners because most patrons are already at least a little intoxicated before they try it. Victor has excellent aim and he never drinks alcohol, so he was already at an advantage. The bartender handed him five darts and directed him to stand on a line that seemed ridiculously far from the board. He was unfazed by the distance. It only took him three attempts before he landed a dart dead-center on the tiny target.

Then, just because he’s super competitive, he threw his last two darts even though he’d already succeeded in winning a prize. The fourth dart was slightly off-center, but the fifth one struck home just as precisely as the third one had. Everyone gathered near the bar clapped and cheered for him.

Victor’s prize turned out to be a voucher for a three-course meal for two at the hotel’s restaurant. He likes anything to do with food, especially free food, so needless to say he was looking extremely pleased with himself when he came back to where I was sitting and showed the little embossed restaurant card to me.

“You’re amazing!” I exclaimed. I got up from my bar stool and literally fell into his arms. Undeterred by my lack of coordination, I hung onto him and kissed him on the mouth, right in front of the bartender.

Victor grinned. “Thanks,” he said. “Not sure I can say the same for you right now, though. Are you okay?”

“Never better,” I said.

“I don’t know. I’m kind of scared to let go of you, in case you fall over.”

“I’m not going to fall over. I’m totally fine. See?” I took a step away from him to prove it.

Unfortunately, I was not totally fine and the minute I no longer had anything or anyone physically supporting me, I lost my balance. It was a weird sensation, a little like being sedated, in which I knew something bad was happening but I didn’t care.

I probably would’ve landed on my backside if Victor hadn’t caught me. He said, “I think it’s time to call it a night.”

“It’s a night,” I said, and started giggling like a fool at my own feeble humour.

“Yeah, it’s definitely time to go to our room.”

I don’t remember most of our journey from the bar back to our suite. I couldn’t tell you if we took the elevator or the stairs, or whether I walked on my own or had to be carried. If I were to guess, I’d say I moved under my own power for the most part and we probably rode in the elevator because the stairs would’ve been far too dangerous for me in the state I was in.

I vaguely remember raiding the snack basket in our room and stuffing my face with nori senbei, a kind of rice cracker flavoured with seaweed. They're a particular favourite of mine, but they're not meant to be eaten by the packet. Three or four of them with a nice cup of green tea is a popular afternoon snack here. I got into the red bean mini cakes too, regardless of Victor telling me not to. They're very rich, and I suppose it was inevitable that they'd upset my stomach if the alcohol didn't get that job done on its own.

I think I napped for a short time after that, and the next thing I recall was kneeling on the cold ceramic tiles of the bathroom floor and being sick. Ashamed of myself for my lack of self control, I couldn't stop crying.

Not only was I embarrassed, I was also gripped by a sudden and overwhelming fear that I’d done serious harm to myself. The pain in my belly was nothing like I'd experienced before. It wasn't worse than anything my chronic illness puts me through, but it was a much different kind of pain than that, which made it terrifying to me.

Victor, who is the next thing to a saint, knelt on the floor with me and held me while I sobbed uncontrollably and repeated over and over that I didn’t want to die from alcohol poisoning. I felt terrible, not just physically, but psychologically too. Mere hours ago, I’d promised him that I’d be less selfish and that I’d do my best to make his life easier, yet there I was, being the biggest needless burden ever.

“Yuri, it’s all right,” he said. “Everything’s okay. You’re going to be fine.”

“Everything’s not okay,” I cried. “I didn’t keep my promise, and now you probably don’t even want to marry me, and… and it’s all my own fault!”

“Shh...” he soothed. “It’s okay, I promise.” He rubbed my back in the comforting way that always calms me down; long, firm strokes that I like to think are somewhere between a massage and a caress. “Mistakes happen.”

“Do you think I’m really going to be all right?”

“Yes,” he said. “You’re just a little drunk. You’ll feel better by tomorrow afternoon.”

“Please don’t be angry,” I said. “I’m really sorry.”

“I’m not angry, love. Don’t worry.”

“I… I’m sorry. After I literally just said I wasn’t going to be high-maintenance any more…”

“You’re so dumb,” he said, but his tone was entirely without malice. “How am I supposed to marry someone as silly as you?”

“I’ll never do it again,” I said miserably. “Please don’t not marry me. I’m supposed to be your famous husband.”

He laughed. “You’re such a mess. Let’s get you cleaned up and into bed, okay? I’m still going to marry you, but not until you’re sober.”

I sniffled loudly. “Okay.”

He helped me in the shower, and then carried me to bed and curled up with me. He let me wrap myself around him in a way that I know I could never do with anyone else.

I’ll never cease to be amazed at how he’s managed to gain my trust to this level. I can barely stand to let most people touch me, and I struggle with allowing the people closest to me to show me any kind of physical affection. Besides Victor, the only people who can touch me without making me recoil are my mother and my baby sister, but as deeply as I love Mama and Yuki, I can’t even tolerate being hugged too closely or too long by them. But, Victor is special. He’s my one exception. With him, I’m not anxious or uncomfortable at all. I feel perfectly safe and at ease.

The more I thought about it, the more I concluded that I do want to marry him. It’s not that I think being married will change anything about our relationship. We already have everything we need, and an official document from the prefecture of Kyoto or from any other government jurisdiction isn’t going to affect us one way or the other. But there’s something symbolic about marriage, something about making a public declaration of a commitment you’ve already made in private, that subtly alters the way others perceive you. Victor and I know we belong to each other for life, but I want to be able to say to the world, This is my husband. I choose to belong to him.

Lying there in his arms, I decided that I want to take his name too. I don’t care if ii sounds odd. I want everybody I meet to know who I belong to, without any ambiguity.

I hadn’t realized I was thinking aloud until Victor said softly against the top of my head, ‘I’ve been thinking about that, too.“

"What…?” I said, confused.

“You said you want to take my name,” he said. “I was kind of thinking I’d like to take yours.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah, so maybe we should both have each other’s name. Lots of people hyphenate their surnames. We could do that.”

Concentrating was difficult, but I fought through the fog in my brain to comprehend what he was suggesting. “Like… Okamoto-Nelson?”

“Yeah, or Nelson-Okamoto,” he said. “Tell you what. Why don’t you get some sleep now? In the morning we’ll write it down and practice saying it a bit, to see which one we like better.”

“Sounds good,” I murmured.

He kissed the top of my head. “Good night, future famous husband.”

I’m happy to report that I’m feeling much better now, but I can tell you this morning was rough. I woke up with a raging headache and sore muscles all over my body as if I’d done a major workout.

Fortunately, ibuprofen and hydration helped my head, and a long, hot bath soothed my aching body. The pain in my stomach wasn’t so easily tamed though, and Victor didn’t protest when I refused breakfast. We’d planned to go down to the restaurant, but Victor ordered something for himself from room service instead so he could stay with me.

We hung around in our room till mid-morning, listening to an audiobook on Victor’s iPad for a while and organizing our plans for the rest of the day. Of course we tried out our potential hyphenated surnames as well. In the end, we thought Okamoto-Nelson would sound best.

We had a meeting with our photographer scheduled for one o'clock, which we couldn’t miss, since they’ll be doing our portraits tomorrow. They asked us to meet them in the park where we’ll be getting our pictures taken, so they can check the location and see where they’re going to set up their equipment.

We decided that after we finished our meeting with the photographer, we’d go window shopping, to look at jewelry. To my surprise and delight, Victor seemed almost as into the idea of us getting matching jewelry as I was.

“It has to be something I can wear all the time, though,” he told me. “No bracelets with charms dangling off them or whatever. I wouldn’t be able to keep that on at work.”

We settled on rings.

As all of you probably know, Victor and I already have matching rings that we never take off. We’ve had those since before we were living together, purchased off a website and sent to each other through the mail. With those rings, we had to put them on ourselves while watching each other on FaceTime with thousands of kilometers separating us. This time, I’m going to have the pleasure of putting Victor’s ring on him, and he’ll be able to slip the matching one onto my finger. I’m looking forward to that moment.

By noon, I was feeling almost like myself again and I was getting hungry, so we got dressed and headed out. We bought fruit smoothies from a food truck that was near the hotel, and then made our way to the park. It was so beautiful, and I could hardly wait for our big photo session the next day. Wedding photos or not, we’d have stunning scenery for our backdrop.

Exactly at one o'clock, our photographer showed up, looking like they’d just stepped out of a magazine. Call me biased, but I have a thing for western men and male-presenting people. The photographer, whose name is Calder Bernhardt, is from some place in Germany, and they’re one of the most gorgeous people I’ve ever met. I tried not to stare at them.

Meanwhile, I think they were trying not to stare too hard at Victor. I didn’t blame them, honestly. He’s still the prettiest, regardless of how lovely Calder looked with their slicked-back blond hair and slate blue eyes and aura of European classiness.

“It’s the hair, isn’t it?” Victor said, self-consciously running his fingers through it when he noticed Calder’s intense gaze on him.

“I’m sorry, yes,” Calder said. 'It’s remarkable. I’ve never seen anyone your age with natural hair that colour. And it is natural, isn’t it? I noticed your eyebrows and lashes as well.”

"You, uh… You like it?” Victor seemed shocked.

“It’s wonderful,” the photographer said. “I love the contrast between you and Yuri. The two of you are going to be glorious portrait subjects, particularly here in this beautiful spot.”

“Thank you,” I said. “We’re excited for our photo shoot tomorrow.”

“Well, now I am too,” Calder said. “When’s the wedding, if you don’t mind me asking?”

Victor and I looked at each other. He said, “Tomorrow?”

I laughed out loud. “No, not tomorrow. We haven’t set a date yet.”

“If you need a photographer for the event…” Calder began.

“We’ll keep you in mind,” I said.

We chatted for a while about poses and lighting and locations, and Calder described their plan for the following day. Once everything was arranged, we said farewell, and then Victor and I went to catch a bus downtown.

We went into several shops, but we didn’t see anything that both of us liked. I was starting to feel discouraged, and Victor suggested that maybe we should go back to the hotel and do sime browsing for jewelry online instead. I was at the point of agreeing, but then i noticed we were walking past a general merchant, kind of like a small department store.

“Can we try looking in here?” I asked. “If we don’t find what we want, then we can go back to the hotel.”

“Sure,” he agreed. “Nothing to lose by looking.”

The shop had really strange lighting, and didn’t seem particularly upscale despite its elegant facade, but I was determined to give it a chance. We found our way to the jewelry counter, where an extremely bored looking woman with dyed ginger hair asked us what we wanted.

“Rings,” I said. “Preferably something with a small setting, so it can be worn every day.”

“Any particular stone?” she asked.

“I think—”

“That!” Victor interrupted, pointing at something inside a glass display. “Yuri, look. I think we might’ve just found our rings.”

I let my eyes track to where he was pointing. The two rings were nestled side-by-side in a grey velvet box. They were white gold, with a tiny row of clear stones and a slightly larger red one cut into the shape of a heart. The red stones seemed to be lit from inside, and I was certain they were real rubies.

“They’re beautiful,” I said. I looked up at Victor. “They’re not too feminine for you?”

“No,” he said. “I can see myself wearing one of those. And maybe this is weird, but I like that they’re white and red, like our two countries’ flags.”

“That’s not weird,” I said. “I think it’s appropriate. You came a long way to be with me, but ten thousand kilometers is no match for destiny, is it?”

He smiled. “To the ends of the earth and back,” he said.

I turned my attention to the sales lady again. “We’d like to try those on, please.”

She asked me what sizes we needed, and I told her. She disappeared through a side door without a word, but returned a few minutes later with two identical grey boxes. I asked her about the stones, and she confirmed they were, in fact, genuine rubies.

“Rubies are a good choice for wedding rings,” she said, finally appearing to take an interest in us. “They symbolize love, good fortune and courage.”

We hadn’t told her why we wanted the rings. I wondered if our connection was that obvious.

Victor looked as if he was going to cry as he stared down at our hands. “They’re perfect,” he said.

I probably don’t need to tell you that Victor and I left that shop with our perfect rings, tucked safely in their grey velvet boxes, awaiting their big moment. They were expensive, but not nearly as costly as they might’ve been in one of the boutiques we’d visited earlier.

Victor said he thought it must’ve been meant to be, and I couldn’t have agreed more.

[stargazer-sims]

Journal Entry #23 (part one)

previous // next // story index

__________

Yuri

Complacency is dangerous.

I’m sorry to say, this week I’ve learned that lesson the hard way. More than sorry, in fact. I bitterly regret that yet again I failed to see something which should have been obvious, because I was so wrapped up in the illusion of my perfect little life. That’s my weakness. I know it now, and I know I have to change, not just for myself but for Victor too.

The problem is, I think I’m scared of the real world. The one I’ve been believing in is so much better. In that one, there’s always someone to take care of me, shower me with affection, protect me and shelter me from everything that’s bad. But in the real world, there’s pain, stress and complex interpersonal relationships, and there are no heroes who'll swoop in to save the day and create a happy ending.

Even the strongest people are fallible. Even the ones who love us most can still hurt us. Even the ones we feel safest with can’t shield us from everything. Unfortunately for me, I’ve often forgotten those truths, or chosen to overlook them because they were too hard to face.

All I’ve ever wanted is to be happy and safe. Until I met Victor, I didn’t know what happiness or safety felt like, and once I understood how good it was not to be sad and afraid all the time, I never wanted to experience anything that challenged or scared me ever again. I was sure I’d found a willing protector in Victor, and I’d selfishly placed almost all the burden of responsibility for my happiness and safety on him, and took on very little for myself. Worse, I don’t think I’ve ever taken nearly enough responsibility for his happiness, much less my own.

That position is unsustainable, and I wish I would’ve figured it out sooner.

If I could rewind time and go back to last Wednesday morning, I would, and I’d make different choices. The first thing I would do would be to insist that Victor call in sick from work. We might’ve avoided a lot of trouble if he’d stayed home. I might not have learned anything in that case, but at least no one would’ve gotten hurt.

Victor hadn’t been feeling well when he woke up on Wednesday. I may actually have realized he was getting sick before he did, because he was coughing through the night and it woke me up. As I was trying to get back to sleep, I noticed his breathing sounded different than normal. Most people might not even pay attention to that, but I’m ill so often myself that I think I’ve developed some sort of hyper-vigilance for signs of illness in others.

In all honesty, I’d actually expected him to stay home on Wednesday and was surprised when he chose not to. He did stay home on Thursday and Friday though, and as much as I dislike not being close to him, we mostly avoided each other in the hope that it’d lessen my chances of catching his cold. Maybe that’s something I’d want us to do differently if given a second chance as well.

On Saturday morning, I answered my phone to a woman who introduced herself as Tomiko Izumi, Victor’s boss. The fitness center is open seven days a week, but Victor only works from Tuesday to Friday, so I was a caught little off guard by the call. I don’t know why, but for some reason I’d assumed he and his supervisor would work the same shift.

“I tried calling Victor’s phone, but he isn’t answering,” Tomiko said. “This number was listed as his emergency contact.”

“Yes,” I said. “I’m Yuri, his spouse.”

I'll confess, I like saying that. It requires less explanation than ‘soulmate’ and seems to carry more power. We’ll always be soulmates, but in certain circumstances, following the path of least resistance is what’s called for.

“Well, I guess you’re best placed to know when he intends to come back to work,” Tomiko said. “That’s what I’m calling about.”

“I’ll have to get him to call you,” I told her. “I’m not sure when he’ll be ready either. Hopefully by Tuesday, though.”

Tomiko and I chatted for a couple of minutes, and she gave me some instructions to pass along to Victor.

“I hope he gets well soon,” she said. “Everyone at the centre misses him.”

“I’ll let him know,” I said, and then we exchanged goodbyes, and hung up.

After getting off the phone with Tomiko, I went to Victor’s room to check on him. I hadn’t been in his room more than twice since Wednesday evening. It felt a little strange to simply walk in, even though that’s what we both typically do when we enter each other's room. As I crossed the threshold, I wondered if I should have knocked.

The first thing I noticed was that he had his normal colour back, not pale like he’d been on Wednesday, and not flushed with fever like he’d been overnight on Thursday.

His eyes were closed, but I could tell he wasn’t asleep. I knelt beside the bed and touched his arm. "Hey,” I said. “It’s almost ten o'clock.”

It took him a second to acknowledge me, but finally he said, “Okay.”

“You’re looking much better,” I observed. “How are you feeling?”

He made a sound that was like the vocal equivalent of a shrug. “I don’t know.”

“Do you feel like getting up?”

“No,” he said.

“Do you want some tea, or something to eat?”

“No.”

“Your boss called,” I told him.

“Uh-huh.”

“She wants to know if you’re still sick. She says if you’re not going to be back by the time your shift starts on Tuesday, you’ll need a doctor’s note.”

“Okay.”

“So, do you want me to take you to the doctor, or do you think you’ll be better after the weekend?”

“I’m not going to the stupid doctor,” he said testily. “I probably won’t be better, but if my boss wants me at work on Tuesday, I’ll be there.”

“If you’re not better, she’s not expecting you back,” I assured him. I reached out to caress his cheek. “It’s okay. I can take you to the clinic. It’ll be—”

He nudged my hand away from his face. “Yuri, I said I’m not going to the doctor,” he snapped. “How many times do I have to say it?”

His tone was like a slap. Victor had never spoken to me like that before, and the shock and hurt I felt seemed almost physical. I was willing to accept a little irritability, considering that he wasn’t feeling well, but I was not at all prepared for such an irrationally angry reaction over my simple suggestion of going to the medical clinic for a quick examination and a doctor’s note.

“I… I’m sorry. I heard you the first time,” I said, my voice small and shaking. “But I’m worried. If you’re really that sick, I think you should see a doctor.”

“Can you just leave me alone, please? Stop harassing me about it.”

“I’m not trying to harass you,” I said. “I only want to be sure you’re all right. You’ve barely been out of your room for the past three days, and you haven’t been eating, have you?”

“It doesn’t matter.”

“Yes, it does. If anyone should know that, it’s you.”

“Yeah, I know, but maybe I don’t care.”

“Why?” I asked.

“I don’t want to talk about it,” he said. “Can you please just do as I asked, and leave me alone?”

“Fine,” I said, trying to force down my own sudden spark of anger. “You can have the whole house to yourself. I have to do the grocery shopping and go to the post office anyway. Then, I might see if Takahiro and Seiji want to do something. I can be gone all day if that’d suit you.”

I got up and started to turn away, but Victor caught me by the wrist. “Yuri, wait.”

“Let go of me,” I said.

Instead of releasing me, he tightened his fingers around my arm. “You can't go out. Stay here.”

I tugged against his grip. “Victor, let go!“

“You can’t go out by yourself,” he said. “Please.”

“Make up your mind!” I exclaimed. With a backward lurch, I succeeded in freeing my wrist. Unluckily, inertia continued to propel me, and with nothing holding me in place any more I stumbled and landed on my backside on the floor.

After that, It was like time stopped. The look on Victor’s face was one of absolute horror, as if something from his nightmares had become real. As for me, I gave up trying to maintain any semblance of emotional control.

“Yuri, I…” Victor began, but didn’t seem capable of getting beyond that.

“What do you want?” I shouted at him. “Do you want me to leave you alone, or do you want me to stay here? Tell me, or I’m making my own decision, and it’s not going to be to stay in this house with you!”

Victor stared at me, and not unpredictably I saw tears starting to leak from the edges of his eyes. I shouldn’t have been surprised. He cries over everything.

He climbed off the bed and started to move toward me. “Yuri, I’m sorry. I… I didn’t mean… Are you hurt? Can you get up?”

“You’re supposed to protect me,” I said. “You promised.”

“I know,” he said, his voice already strained and diminished by his tears. “That’s what I was trying to do.”

“What?”

“I want you to be safe,” he said. “But… I don’t know how to protect you. Not this time.”

“This time? What are you talking about?”

He moved closer, “Come here,” he said, holding his hands out. “Let me see if you’re okay.”

Let me see if you’re okay.

Something about that phrase made my chest constrict in instant fear. My mind flashed back to a moment over five years ago, when someone else had hurt me and had said those same words, exactly like that.

One of Ren’s favourite things to do was to trap me in the corner of a room or against a wall, a door or the refrigerator; any place he could hold me with only one arm and prevent me from moving. He’d use the other hand for… exploring.

This one time in particular, Ren had pinned me on the wall in his bedroom. He’d held me there with one hand pressed into my collarbone, while he tried to unbutton my shirt with the other. When I’d struggled a bit too hard, he let go of my shirt and used both hands to push me into the position he wanted. He shoved forcefully enough that the back of my head struck the wall. I cried out and he let go of me, and I slipped right through his grasp and ended up sitting on the floor.

I’m sure he hadn’t planned to injure me, and I think for a fraction of a second he’d been scared. He’d knelt down in front of me, and in the soft voice he usually reserved for apologies, he'd implored, "I didn't mean to hurt you, Yuri. Let me see if you’re okay."

"Don’t touch me,” I said to Victor, just as I’d said to Ren on that day five years ago.

Victor stretched his hand out toward me, not touching, but looking like he wanted to. He said, “Yuri, I didn’t mean to—“

"Don’t touch me!” This time, I yelled it so loudly my voice cracked.

Victor’s face went white, and he snatched his hand back, clutching it to his chest. ‘Dismayed’ would not have been a strong enough word to describe his expression. I saw in his face the precise moment that something inside him shattered. He inched away from me, as if now he was the one who was afraid.

Of course, I’m remembering all this in hindsight. I was experiencing it then, but I wasn’t processing it. I’m sure I was operating on pure reflex in that moment.

As soon as I judged the distance between us to be enough, I scrambled to my feet and dashed out of the room. I didn’t stop until I was shut securely behind the door of my own bedroom.

Across the hall, only slightly muffled by the closed doors, I could hear Victor sobbing; huge, noisy, anguished sobs that would normally tear at my heart and have me rushing to comfort him. But this time, I told myself I didn’t care. I was angry and scared, and it was his fault. He could console himself.

I didn’t cry. I lay on my bed and stared up at the ceiling, my mind racing frantically to interpret what had just taken place.

Calm down, Yuri, said the rational part of my brain. You have to calm down. You need to think logically and then decide what to do.

My instinct was to run as far and as fast as I could, but the rational part quietly questioned whether that was necessary. It said running would be an overreaction. I felt as if my instinct was shrieking at my rational mind to shut up, that running would be the only way I’d be safe, but eventually the thinking part won over the feeling part.

For a long time I lay still, breathing deeply in the way Victor had taught me. Fifteen-second breathing, he calls it. Breathe in slowly through the nose for a count of five, hold for three, and exhale through the mouth while silently counting to seven. The technique is meant to help manage pain, but I’ve found that it helps me settle just as effectively when I’m feeling anxious or frightened.

After several repetitions, the haze of fear and anger in my brain cleared. I still wasn’t completely calm, but at least I was once again capable of thinking logically.

I raised my arm to inspect my wrist and found myself gazing at my beautiful snowflake bracelet. It was undamaged, and when I carefully slid it higher on my arm, I saw there wasn’t even a mark on my skin beneath it. I took a moment to mentally assess the rest of my body. Other than a growing ache in my stomach, nothing hurt. I was fine.

I lowered my hands and covered my face, feeling completely foolish.

Victor wasn’t trying to hurt me, hadn’t harmed me in the least, in fact. The truth was, I’d been utterly terrified by the prospect of being restrained and I panicked. That, and I was upset and confused by Victor’s inexplicably hostile behaviour and had somehow read my own meaning into it.

I thought I’d managed to purge my mind of all the fear, pain and anger I’d lived with when Ren and I were together. I’d convinced myself that Victor’s gentleness and unconditional love for me had healed me somehow, and that my wounds had disappeared. Of course, that was a convenient lie. I'd let myself be lulled into a belief that couldn’t possibly have made sense if I’d had the will to think about it.

My scars weren’t gone. I’d only been ignoring them. In a world where I was sheltered and spoiled and adored by my loving, gentle protector, setting aside thoughts of my past trauma became easier, and instead of getting the help I probably should’ve gotten, I chose to tell myself everything was all right.

But everything is not all right.

Up to this point, I’ve been fortunate. I’ve never had any reason to fear Victor and nothing he’s done has ever triggered a memory like the one I had just relived. Victor and I frequently disagree and we do raise our voices sometimes, but he's never acted aggressively toward me in any way.

I wanted to believe he wasn’t capable of it, but now I realize he’s as susceptible to emotional outbursts as anyone else. He isn’t immune to mistakes. He’s human just like me. Stupidly allowing myself to accept the fantasy I’d created about my perfect hero led me to a place where I not only felt hurt and betrayed when the slightest thing went wrong, but also to where my complete overreaction to that imaginary betrayal had likely done very real harm to Victor.

With that revelation, the last of my anger dissipated. In its place, I was flooded with shame. How could I have been so selfish and careless?

I’d accused him of not keeping his promise to protect me, but what had I done to protect him? What had I done to even acknowledge he needed protecting? I’d realized on Wednesday that something other than a cold was troubling him, but I hadn’t pursued it. I hadn’t tried particularly hard to find out what the problem was or offered to help him fix it, and the situation had evidently grown to a breaking point.

I’ll admit, I didn’t know what to do next. I didn’t think Victor would want to talk so soon after what had happened between us, but I wanted to say I was sorry, at least. And I wanted to be near him, even if that meant I had to sit in a corner of the room while he gave me the cold shoulder.

Slowly, I dragged myself off my bed and made my way across the hall. I knocked lightly on his door.

“Victor?” I called out. “Can I come in?”

He didn’t respond, which I suppose I should’ve expected. What I didn’t expect was to discover the door was locked when I attempted to slide it open.

I tried again. “Victor?”

Several seconds passed, and then came his quiet reply. “Stay away from me.” It sounded as if he was right next to the door.

“Can you open the door, please? I want to see you.”

“You didn’t want to see me before. Why would you want to see me now?”

Because I love you. Because I was wrong. Because I’m sorry.

Those are the things I should have said. What I actually said was, “Please, don’t be like that.”

“Like what?" he demanded. "Like somebody who’s upset because he always tries his hardest and still isn’t enough?" "

"You're more than enough," I said. "You're everything."

"Whatever," was the dismissive reply. "I don’t want to see you right now, and I don’t feel like doing whatever you expect me to do to make you feel better. Just for once, let's not make it all about you, 'cause I have feelings too, you know."

“Victor—“

"I’m not opening the door, Yuri. Go away.”

“I’m sorry,” I said, but it was evidently too late in the conversation for that, because my words were met with nothing but silence.

I slid down the wall and curled up on the floor, asking myself desperately how everything had spun so far out of control.

[stargazer-sims]

Journal Entry #46

previous // next // story index

__________

Yuri

We all survived the weekend.

I don’t mean for that to sound offhanded or flippant. What I mean is, It was a tough weekend for Victor and me, but our friends didn’t find it particularly pleasant either, nor did our families. Today is Wednesday, and the first part of the week hasn’t been any easier than the weekend, but we’re all still here and hanging on as best we can.

Victor is still in the hospital, and everyone’s been calling and texting me to find out how he's doing. Sakura, Seiji and Takahiro want to visit him, and so does my little sister Yuki, but he won’t accept any visitors other than me. He says he doesn’t want our friends to see him the way he is, and he especially doesn’t want Yuki to. He’s concerned the experience of visiting him in the hospital might upset her. I didn’t bother to point out that Yuki has visited me on numerous occasions when I’ve been in the hospital. I’m sure she’s never thought of it as fun, but she’s never seemed any the worse for it either.

I’m frustrated because I think it would do Victor good to have some visitors other than me, but I also understand that if he says he doesn’t want visitors, we all have to respect that. Regardless of how badly all the people who love him want to see him and show their support, ultimately the decision is his.

As for his family, I’ve been talking to Dr. Grace and Dr. Julian every day since Saturday. I've also spoken to Ellie a couple of times. I haven’t connected with Leo, but I’m sure Ellie is passing all the information on to him and his parents.

I didn’t end up reaching Dr. Grace at all on Friday, notwithstanding my numerous attempts. After I finished recording my journal entry on Friday night, I crawled into bed, so exhausted that I don’t even remember pulling the blankets over myself before falling asleep. Apparently, Dr. Grace called after I was in bed. I hadn’t even heard my phone, but Papa did. He answered it and explained to her what had happened.

According to Papa’s retelling on Saturday morning, Victor’s mother hadn’t taken the news well at all, which was nothing less than I would’ve expected. Papa said it sounded as if she intended to get on the earliest flight she could, which didn’t surprise me either.

By the time I finally spoke to her on Saturday evening, she seemed calm, although I could tell she was very concerned. She said she wouldn’t come unless we really needed her to, but she made me promise to give her daily updates until Victor was able to talk with her himself.

I spent almost the entire day on Saturday at the hospital with Victor, and most of Sunday as well. He didn’t get to come home on Sunday afternoon like Dr. Sato had said, because when the nurses helped him out of bed around mid-morning and tried to get him to walk, he didn’t even take one step before he said he was dizzy and felt like he was going to fall. They kept encouraging him to try again, but he was scared and wouldn’t do it.

He made tentative progress on Monday, taking a few wobbly steps away from his bed before he panicked. Yesterday, he refused to get out of bed at all, and this morning Dr. Sato said she’d consider sending him home in a wheelchair if he isn’t able or willing to walk by the end of the week. That, and she said she intends to refer him to a neurologist because, according to her, there’s no medical reason why he isn’t able to walk other than a neurological problem. She mentioned referring him to a psychologist as well, in case the problem isn’t physiological. Victor’s lackluster response to that had been, “Fine. Whatever you want to do.”

The threat of having to see more specialists and having to be pushed around in a wheelchair hasn’t motivated him. I thought it would, but unfortunately it’s only made the situation worse. Victor seems resigned to the fact that he’s going to continue to be poked, prodded and questioned by various strangers and that his recovery is going to be marked by challenges. I know he doesn’t like it, but I think he’s given up protesting anything and has just decided to let his circumstances happen to him rather than taking any sort of control over them.

After Dr. Sato left, a care assistant arrived with his breakfast tray, which contained a grilled cheese sandwich — his favourite — a small plate of fresh fruit, a bowl of vanilla yogurt, milk, and green tea. He doesn’t have much dexterity with a cast on each forearm, but he can move his fingers enough to grip some things or to hold a cup securely between both hands. Theoretically, he should have been able to manage at least the grilled cheese by himself, but he asked me to hold it for him instead. I didn’t mind, but I would’ve been happier if he’d done more than nibble the corner off it.

He let me feed him a few bites of cut-up banana and apple, but he didn’t want anything else despite my coaxing and pleading with him to eat. He didn’t want to drink his milk either, which he typically loves. I’ve never known him to start the day without a big glass of cold milk at breakfast, and it worried me that he didn’t even have an appetite for that.

I ate the rest of the banana and two apple slices, perhaps hoping in some odd way that if he noticed me consuming something voluntarily, it’d encourage him to eat as well. It didn’t, but I opted to look on the bright side anyway. One of us got some benefit from the meal.

When it became obvious that Victor couldn’t be persuaded to finish his breakfast, I carried the tray carefully across the room and set it on the little counter next to the sink.

Taking the cup of tea from the tray, I returned to my chair next to Victor’s bed. While my back had been to him, he’d lain down again. His eyes were closed. I sipped the tea. It was scented with jasmine and reminded me of my mother.

“You know you can’t keep going on like this,” I said.

“Like what?” he mumbled.

“You know exactly what. You need to eat, and you need to get up and start moving."

"I’m not hungry,” he said.

“Would you eat if you were hungry?” I asked.

“I guess.”

This was not a particularly resounding reply, but I let it go. I had to tell myself that missing one or two meals wasn’t going to hurt him. If he still didn’t want to eat by tomorrow, that’d be a different story, but I resolved not to stress myself out about it in advance. I was already tired and stressed enough.

I finished my tea and tried to think of something to say that didn’t involve the hospital or Victor’s state of health. Neither of us typically has to search for things to talk about with each other, but for the past few days, most of our conversations have felt strained and awkward.

“I’ve been thinking about the new house,” I said.

“Uh-huh.”

“I found an app that lets you upload pictures and then pick colours so you can see what they’ll look like in the room. I used some of the photos Kim and Robert sent us to plan out my bedroom.”

“We’re still moving?”

“Of course we’re still moving,” I said. “Why wouldn’t we?”

“I don’t know if I want to any more,” Victor said.

I was momentarily stunned. “Moving to Maple Grove was your idea.”

“No, it was your idea,” he said testily.

“All right, maybe it was, but I wanted to do it for you. I suggested it because I thought you wanted to go home, to be with your family and friends and everything you grew up with.”

“It’s not what you want.”

“I want to be with you,” I told him. “I don’t care where we are.”

"You say that now, but you won't like it there," he said. "If something's gonna work, it has to be because you want it for yourself, not because you think you're doing it for me."

"What I want is for us to be together."

"Then, we can stay here together," he said. I probably shouldn’t have been surprised when he began to cry. If I’ve learned anything about Victor since we’ve been together, it’s that he can become teary at the slightest provocation. “I don’t want to move. I don’t want to do anything hard. All I want is to go home and sleep in my own bed.”

“But, you just said—”

“No… home. To our house. Can you please take me home?”

“I want you to come home," I said. "When the doctor says you can go, I’ll take you.”

“I don’t want to stay here.”

I placed my empty cup on the floor, and then pulled my chair closer to the bed. “Listen to me for a second,” I said, caressing his cheek with the back of my hand. “I know you don’t want to stay here, and I really want to bring you home more than anything, but if you don’t want to leave in a wheelchair, Dr. Sato needs to know that you can walk at least as far as from your bed to the bathroom. Do you think you can do that?”

“I can’t.”

“Can you tell me why you can’t?”

“Because,” he said, as more tears spilled down the sides of his face and onto my fingers. “I’ll mess it up. Like I mess up everything.”

“Victor, look at me.” I moved my hand up to stroke his head, gently pushing back unkempt locks of silver hair. “You do not mess up everything. You’re strong and capable and there are lots of things you do really well. Don’t I always tell you that?”

“To be nice.”

“No, not just to be nice. I say it because it’s true.”

“What can I do? I can’t feed myself or dress myself. I can’t even see like a normal person.”

“None of that is going to be forever.” I did my best to reassure him. “You’ll get better, and you’ll be able to do everything you used to do.”

“What if I don’t get better?”

“You will. Your arms and your rib will heal, and then you can start exercising again and doing all the things you like. You were going to teach me how to lift weights, remember? We can build up our strength together.”

“But… what if my eyes don’t get better?” he asked. “What happens then?”

I closed my own eyes for a moment. This was the question to which I didn’t want to contemplate the answer. I’d look after of him, of course. Whatever he needed, I’d do it to the best of my ability, but that wasn’t the real issue. The difficulty lay in the psychological impact that even a partial loss of vision would have on him if it were permanent. He was already miserable and distressed. I could only imagine what would happen to him if his vision didn’t improve.

“We have to think positively.” It was a stupid thing to say, and I knew it before the sentence had completely left my mouth. Victor didn’t need to hear useless platitudes. I pulled in a breath and let it out slowly. “But if things don’t improve, we’ll find a way to cope. I’ll take care of you.”

“You’re not supposed to be taking care of me,” he said, and it came out sounding like a mixture of anger and defeat. “I’m supposed to be taking care of you, but if I can’t do what you need, then what’s the point?”

“Victor,” I said softly. “I love you. I need you. Anyone can cook for me and organize my medications, but only you can understand me and love me the way you do, and you don’t need 20/20 vision for that.”

He didn’t respond for a long time. He just lay there and wept. The low moaning sound of it was horribly familiar to my ears because it was almost exactly the same sound that comes out of me when I’m exhausted and in unbearable pain and wishing I could simply slip away into nothingness.

Seeing Victor in that state was hard, not just because it broke my heart to know how much he was suffering, but also because I understand how humiliating it is to feel so helpless and weak. It’s not a new feeling for me, yet I still hate it. I could only imagine how much worse it must have been for Victor, who’s used to always being the strong one.

After a few minutes he quieted, and I thought he might’ve been falling asleep, but then he opened his eyes wide and stared straight at me. I could tell he was struggling to focus on my face. His expression was like that of someone afraid of heights who’d been forced to the edge of a sheer cliff, and I wished desperately that there was something I could do to pull him back from the threshold of that abyss.

“I’m scared,” he said, his voice diminished by his tears. “Angry and disappointed, and… I don’t know. Stupid for wrecking everything.”

“You’re not stupid.”

What else would you call it, when this whole mess is my own fault?“

"It’s not your fault. "I reached out and began to stroke his hair again. "I know you’re angry and scared. It’s okay to feel like that.”

“No, it’s not.”

“I promise it is,” I said. “No one’s telling you you’re not allowed to be upset. You have every right to feel the way you do. The hospital’s a scary place, and not being able to predict what will happen in the future is scary too.”

“I want things to go back to the way they were.”

“Me too,” I admitted. “I have to believe they will.”

“I want to, but I don’t think I can really believe they will, and…” He let the sentence drift away, unfinished. When he finally continued, his voice wavered a little. "I can’t live like that, being a burden to everyone.”

“You’ll never be a burden to me,” I assured him.

He sighed. “You won’t always say that.”

“Why would you think that?”

“Maybe in a few weeks or a month or two, you won’t mean it any more,” he said. “When you’re in pain and not feeling good, and you’re exhausted from doing stuff for me that I can’t do for myself, you’ll say I’m a burden.”

“Victor—”

“It’s not a criticism,” he said. “It’s just how it’ll be. We both know that.”

“If I can’t do everything, we’ll get someone else to help us,” I said. “We could—”

“Yuri, stop.”

“What?”

“I don’t want to talk about it,” he said. “If nothing changes with my eyes, I’ll be useless. I won’t be able to look after myself or you. That’s it. There’s nothing more to say.”

“Maybe for the first little while you won’t be able to, but you can learn different ways to do things, and like I said, we can get someone else to help us.”

“No,” he said. “I’m not going to spend the rest of my life groping and shuffling around, and relying on somebody else to do stuff for me. I’d rather not even be around than to live like that.”

“Don’t say that.”

"Why not? It's how I feel. You said I'm entitled to feel however I want, and I feel like I'd have no life if this is permanent. Yeah, I'd be alive, but it wouldn't be living. It'd just be existing, and I'm not doing that."

"Victor, please. Don't talk that way. I know it's a lot, but you can still have a meaningful life without full vision, and I'll be by your side regardless of what happens, I promise."

"Don't," he said. "No more promises."

"I'm sorry. I only want to help you understand it's going to be okay."

“It's not going to be okay, and I don’t want to discuss it any more,” he said. “Anyway, whatever happens with me, you'll be fine. Your parents will make sure you’re all right.”

“But you—”

“I’m done talking about it.”

“Okay, you’re right,” I conceded. “We probably shouldn’t be trying to discuss this now. Do you want me to read to you, or put on some music?”

“No,” he said. “I just want to sleep.”

“Okay,” I agreed.

“What are you going to do?”

“I might go home and work for a few hours, and take the dogs for a walk," I said. "I’ll come back in time to help you with your lunch.”

“You’re not going to stay with me?”

“Should I stay and watch you sleep?” I inquired.

“I guess not,” he said. “It’s just… I hate it here, and if you’re not going to take me home, then I feel like staying with me so you’re still here when I wake up is the least you can do.”

“You know I’d take you home right this minute if the doctor said I could.”

“Just tell her you’re doing it," he said. "She can’t force me to stay.”

“That’s true, but you know she has a good reason for keeping you here this long," I pointed out.

“What does she expect?” he demanded. “I can’t walk if I can’t see. If I’m going to be an invalid, I might as well be comfortable in my own bed, right?”

I could have argued that such an assertion was absolutely silly. There are loads of people with low vision walking around independently and confidently every day. As a matter of fact, there was a guy in my friend group in school with low vision. As far as I know, he can only see light and colour from one eye, and has just barely enough vision in the other to read large print, but not only did this guy do nearly everything the rest of us did, he was also an accomplished flute player and he was obsessed with mountain climbing. For most of us, the highlight of our final year of high school was graduation. For Tatsu Yamashiro, the crowning moment of final year was an epic climb to the summit of Arashiyama.

It wouldn’t have done any good to tell Victor any of that, though.

“What is it going to take to motivate you?” I asked.

He didn’t answer me for several seconds, and I tried to guess whether he was thinking about it or whether he was deliberately ignoring me. After what felt like a full minute or more, he said, “I want my mom.”

“All right,” I said. “Do you want to call or FaceTime with her? Your phone’s here.”

“FaceTime,” he echoed, sounding as incredulous as if I’d asked him to do something outrageous, like fighting a snow leopard with his bare hands. “FaceTime? How the hell am I even supposed to use my phone, much less try to see my mom on FaceTime?”

“I’ll help you use your phone,’ I said. "You can still talk, and she might like to see you.”

“Just call her yourself and tell her I need her,” he said. “Ask her to come here, if she can. I know it’s a big ask and she probably can’t do it, but she’s the only one who…” Evidently realizing he was about to say something that was probably going to be hurtful to me, he stopped abruptly. “Sorry.”

Against my better judgment, my mind leapt to fill in the rest of the sentence. She’s the only one who I trust enough to take care of me. She’s the only one who doesn’t expect anything from me. She’s the only one who never lets me down.

“Don’t worry about it,” I said, but my tone rang hollow, even to me.

“I’m sorry,” he repeated, and then quietly, “See? I am messing up everything.”

Contradicting him again would’ve been pointless. Instead, I said, “I’m sure your mother will come to take care of you. Is there anything else you want me to tell her?”

“I don’t know. I can’t even think right now. My head hurts,” he said. “I want to go to sleep and stop trying to deal with any of this. It’s too much.”

“Okay,” I said. “Do you want me to stay?”

“No,” he said. “You can go. It’s fine.”

But of course it wasn’t fine. We both knew that. “I won’t leave you if you don’t want me to.”

“Go. There’s nothing else you can do here. Like you said, it’d be dumb and pointless to sit around and watch me sleep when you could be working.”

“That isn’t what I said.”

“Get out of here and do something productive with the rest of your day,” he said. “The rest of your week. Come back when the doctor says she’s discharging me. Or not. Whatever you want.”

“If you’re sure—”

“Yuri, just… get the hell out of here before one of us loses it, okay? You’ve obviously got better things to do than to hang around here and pretend you understand what I’m going through. You can’t possibly get how it feels to realize you wrecked your whole life with one stupid choice.”

But, I did know. I do know.

I left the hospital feeling guilty, as if I’d abandoned Victor, although he was the one who’d asked me to leave. At the same time, I was reproaching myself for feeling hurt over what had transpired between us in his room. I should have realized it would come to this point eventually.

Even now, when I’m stronger than he is, Victor won’t allow me to be the person he leans on. I’m willing to do whatever is necessary, but despite everything, it seems that he doesn’t want my help and doesn’t trust me to look after him. I suppose we’ve established a pattern in our relationship by now, though, and he’s always going to see me as weak and unreliable, so maybe I shouldn’t be surprised.

The worst part is, I only have myself to blame because I’ve never been able to adequately communicate to him how much I love him and want to take care of him. No matter how many times I say it, and no matter what I do, it’s never been enough to convince him. Maybe I should’ve tried to be more self-sufficient during my own periods of illness, fought harder to function through the pain and tried to do my share instead of letting him do everything for me. Perhaps that would’ve proved that my intentions have never been only to take without giving in return, and that I am indeed capable of giving in full measure.

I can’t cry. As desperate as I am to release everything inside me, years of conditioning are keeping me from it, even when I’m by myself. I expect I’ll reach a breaking point eventually, but I guess I haven’t gotten to it yet, and who will be there to comfort me when I do? Not Victor. I can’t go to him with my troubles like I normally would. He has way more than enough of his own.

The irony isn’t lost on me that the only person in the world besides my mother, whom I trust enough to lower all my personal barriers with, doesn’t seem to have even a fraction as much trust in me.

How could he say he loves me, and yet not trust me? As I walked across the snow-dusted hospital parking lot to the sanctuary of my car, a malicious little voice in the back of my mind whispered that my initial instincts had been correct. I’ve never been worthy of anything I craved, it said. I was inadequate, undependable, unlovable.

No, that’s not true! I wanted to scream at that horrible, anxiety-filled part of my brain. Of course Victor loves me. He wouldn’t have come halfway around the world and given up all his former plans and dreams for someone he didn’t love. He wouldn’t stay with me and tend to all my needs and be so patient and gentle with me if I weren’t important to him.

Then it occurred to me that his lack of trust must be due to something else. If it isn’t about how much he loves me, I reasoned that it must stem from a question of how much he thinks I love him.

There’s no way to define the depth of my love for Victor. He cared about me when I didn’t even care about myself, and rescued me from a life so empty of joy and light that I’d actually considered ending it. He taught me how to trust, how to have faith in others, and how to love unconditionally and without restraint. He taught me what safety and happiness feel like. I would do anything for him. I’d move Arashiyama itself if I could, if I thought it would make any difference.

The idea that he might somehow doubt my devotion to him is crushing, but I can’t blame him. It’s on me for not doing more or saying more to demonstrate it. And at the moment he’s frightened, confused and angry, and in no frame of mind to listen or be rational. He’s not going to believe anything I tell him now.

It’s not Victor who’s messed up everything. It’s me.

[stargazer-sims]

Journal Entry #45 (part six)

previous // next // story index

__________

Yuri

I’m back at home now, as I’m sure you’ve already gathered from the beginning of this very long entry. It’s been an absolutely awful day, and I think the only good thing I can say about it is that Victor and I still have each other. There was a point in the day when I was truly afraid I’d be alone, and I don’t even have the words to express how grateful I am that Victor is going to be okay. 

Okay is a subjective term, of course. I’m realistic enough to understand that we have a long road ahead of us and that he might never be exactly the same as he was before today, but I’m willing to accept whatever outcome we get. I love him, no matter what. That isn’t going to change. 

I hated leaving him tonight. He begged me not to, and he was crying, and I felt like my heart would shatter into a thousand pieces as I kissed him goodnight. Although I asked, the hospital staff wouldn’t make an exception and let me stay with him. Visiting hours were over at eight o’clock. I’ll go back in the morning, but it’s going to be a long night for both of us between now and then.

The first thing I did when I got home was to text Takahiro, Seiji and Sakura to give them an update. I’d heard from Taka earlier, when he texted me to say that my father had relieved him and Seiji of responsibility for Yuki and that he was taking her to our grandmother’s house. Taka said they were all leaving the hospital then, and he made me promise to keep them in the loop.

I texted Mr. Tanaka with a quick update as well, with a promise to call him in the morning. He wished me and Victor well, and said he’d be glad to hear from me tomorrow.

The next person I tried to reach was Victor’s mother. I still hadn’t heard from her, and it made me wonder if she even knew I’d phoned. I had called during what was essentially the middle of the night in her time zone, after all, and Dr. Julian hadn’t sounded particularly alert when he answered the phone. The call went to voicemail, and this time I left a message. I asked her to call me immediately, as soon as she heard it.  That was all I could do.

With my communication efforts made, the next thing I decided I needed to do was what I’m doing right now; recording this entry. Getting all my thoughts and feelings out like this really helps, and today has been a veritable roller coaster ride of emotions. 

Since I'm talking about giving updates, I should backtrack a bit and tell you what ultimately happened with Victor. There’s bad news and good news, but thankfully the bad news isn’t nearly as bad as it could have been.

If I’d assumed the visit from the on-call ophthalmologist would go smoothly, I would’ve been wrong. Victor was confused and upset, and I think he’d already reached his limit of strangers handling him by the time the eye doctor arrived, so we weren’t exactly poised for success. 

The fact that Dr. Nakayama was brusque and unfriendly didn’t help, either. His bedside manner was practically non-existent. Just the tone of his voice when he addressed us was enough to get Victor crying, and then he scolded Victor because he couldn’t examine him properly if his eyes were filled with tears. Needless to say, that did not encourage Victor to calm down. All it accomplished was to upset him further.

The doctor looked exasperated. “This is not productive,” he declared.

“You’re scaring him,” I said, my patience worn thin from my own pain and stress. ”What you’re doing isn’t productive either. If you want him to cooperate with you, this isn’t the way to go about it.”

The doctor’s glare would’ve left me dead if looks could kill, but he didn’t say anything in reply. I ignored him and focused my attention on Victor instead. 

I could tell he was confused and frightened and that he didn’t know what to expect, and I appreciated how overwhelming it must've been for him. He’s never had to stay in the hospital before and he’s not used to doctors. Up to now, other than his annual physical and the occasional visit to his GP for some minor injury or common ailment, his contact with the healthcare system has mainly been because of me and my numerous medical issues.  

 After a few minutes, his tears had mostly stopped, but he was still sniffling a little. “I… I’m sorry for crying.”

“Never apologize for that,” I said. “It’s okay. Try to breathe slowly. Remember how you always coach me through those breathing exercises?”

“Y-yeah.”

“Let’s try it, all right? I’ll coach you this time. We’ll see how much you’ve taught me.”

I did my best to explain to him that the doctor just wanted to look at his eyes and wasn’t going to do anything invasive or painful to him. I assured him that I wasn’t going to leave; I’d be right beside him the whole time, and I’d keep my hand on him so he’d know I was still there. 

Dr. Nakayama waited, rather impatiently, for Victor to settle. Then, he made me stand at the end of the bed while he did his examination. I thought Victor might protest that, but he didn’t.

I placed my palm on Victor’s blanket covered foot and I could feel tension even in his toes. He whimpered when Dr. Nakayama shone the bright light of the ophthalmoscope into his eyes, but he kept still and managed to endure it. 

I praised him for being brave, much to Dr. Nakayama’s apparent disapproval, if the disgruntled noise the doctor made was any indication. Personally, I didn’t care what he thought of us. Victor has been with me for every hospital stay, medical procedure and doctor’s appointment over the past two years, and he always encourages me and tells me how brave I am. It’s important to hear that, especially if you’re not feeling particularly brave at all. 

After performing his examination along with a few old-fashioned tests like getting Victor to identify colours and asking him how many fingers he was holding up, the doctor’s conclusion was that the physical structures of Victor’s eyes were undamaged. The reason he was having trouble seeing was undoubtedly due to brain trauma, the doctor said. 

“Will it be permanent?” I asked.

“It could be,” Dr. Nakayama said. “Sometimes these things resolve in a few days or weeks. Sometimes they never do, but most people learn to adjust to vision loss.”

“He’s a professional athlete,” I said. “He—“

“Well, I’m sure there are some sort of adapted sports he could do eventually, but if it were me, I’d worry less about that than how to accomplish the tasks of daily living.”

He didn’t seem the slightest bit bothered that he was delivering such devastating news. It was as if he was discussing something as inconsequential as the weather forecast or his coffee preferences. His casual attitude about it infuriated me, and it was all I could do to calm myself enough to ask, “is there anything you can do for him?”

“There’s nothing we can do except wait and see,” the doctor said. “If the vision loss is permanent, corrective lenses may help, but that’s something we can’t assess now. You’ll have to exercise some patience.”

I didn’t point out the irony of this suggestion coming from such a peevish man. Imagine him telling me to exercise some patience when he barely seemed able to demonstrate that he understood the meaning of the word himself. Nevertheless, I had to accept that he was correct and that we would just have to wait. I only wished he’d come up with a gentler way to tell us.

Dr. Nakayama left without saying goodbye or good luck. I stared daggers at his back until he’d moved far enough beyond the door that I couldn’t see him any more. I can’t stand doctors like him. People with such a clear lack of empathy shouldn’t be allowed into the medical profession, in my opinion. 

I was still quietly fuming over Dr. Nakayama’s horrible demeanour when Dr. Sato showed up. She was smiling. I hoped that was a positive sign, or at least a sign that she wasn’t about to tell us something else potentially life-altering. The thought of Victor not being able to see properly was a daunting enough prospect. I was terrified by the idea that he might be permanently disabled in some other way in addition to that. 

Dr. Sato greeted Victor with, “How are you doing, Mr. Okamoto-Nelson?” and then gave us a lopsided smile as her gaze took me in. “I guess that’s both of you, isn’t it? Mr. Okamoto-Nelson.”

“Yuri and Victor,” I said.

“Yeah,” Victor added. “Easier that way.”

“Well then, how are you, Victor?” she asked. “A little better now that you’re away from all that light and noise in the emergency department, I imagine. That was causing you a lot of stress, wasn’t it?”

“It was you,” Victor said. “I remember you.”

Dr. Sato laughed. “Oh? I’m pleased you remember me, and I’ll have you know, you were causing quite a bit of stress for us as well, sir. You gave everyone a scare when we thought you weren’t able to hear or speak.”

“I remember you," Victor repeated. "It... it was you who told somebody to take off my rings. I promised Yuri I would never... and you took them."

“I did, and then you talked to me, didn’t you? Gave me a proper telling-off in two languages. Luckily for you, I’m bilingual too, so I was able to catch all of it.” She grinned at him.”Does your husband know you use language like that?”

I was gratified to see the corners of his mouth form into a tiny smile. “I don’t remember what I said,” he told her, and I couldn’t determine if it was an honest declaration or if he was trying to joke with her. I hoped it was the latter. That would be a typical Victor response. 

"What did he say to you?" I asked her.

“It wasn’t actually that bad," she said. "I think he was a little offended that I had the audacity to ask someone to take his wedding ring off."

"I want it back," Victor said. "It's important."

"I know, and you can absolutely have it back, Victor. Don't worry." Dr. Sato glanced up at me. “His comprehension seems to be improving."

“I think he’s still a little disoriented," I said. "But we’ve been talking and it’s been relatively normal."

“That’s excellent,” she said. “Normal responses are what we like to see. The confusion might persist for the next twenty-four hours or so, but there should be steady improvement after that.”

“That’s good.”

“There’s more,” she went on. “We’ve got all the results from the scans now, and there’s no sign of skull or vertebral fractures, and no intracranial hemorrhage."

Victor frowned. "Intra...what?"

"It means bleeding on your brain," Dr. Sato explained.

"Brains can bleed? Sounds like a zombie movie. Am I gonna turn into a zombie?"

"You're not turning into a zombie," I said.

"No, you're still very much a regular human," the doctor confirmed. "There's no bleeding, but there is a moderate amount of brain swelling. I’d classify this injury as a grade four concussion, which is very serious, but not life-threatening.” She touched Victor’s shoulder. “Victor, your scans didn’t show any injuries to your spinal cord either, so we can safely take that collar off you now. How does that sound?”

“Nice,” he said. “I need a different position.”

“I’ll get someone to fetch some pillows so we can support your arms, and then we’ll get you turned onto your side. How about that?” 

“Okay.”

“What did you find out about his arms?” I asked. “You said you were doing an x-ray?”

“Yes, the radiology technicians did x-rays of his arms and chest. There’s significant bruising of the ribs on the left side, and a hairline fracture of the eighth rib. That’s about three-quarters of the way down the rib cage. The arms…” She paused, as if she was thinking about how she was going to explain it. “There’s a partial fracture of the radius in the right arm. That’s the smaller bone in the forearm. On the left, there’s a complete fracture of the smaller bone and an incomplete fracture of the larger one.”

“What does that mean? Does he need surgery?”

“Fortunately, no. The orthopaedic surgeon looked at the x-rays, and he thinks both arms will heal just fine without surgical intervention. Incidentally, we see a lot of arm injuries with snowboarders. I may not know much about the sport itself, but I’ve certainly seen the impact it can have.”

“My arms are broken?” Victor seemed perplexed by this. “But… I was wearing wrist guards... I think?"

"You were," I told him. "You always do."

“It’s lucky you were,” said the doctor. “This could’ve been more serious if you hadn’t been wearing them.”

“My arms hurt,” he said.

“I’ve no doubt of that. We’ll get you some better pain relief than we gave you downstairs, and we’ll see if we can get some of that swelling down overnight. Then, our friends in orthopaedics will get you out of those temporary casts and into some lighter, more durable ones in the morning. You’ll even get to choose the colour.”

Predictably, he said, “Red.”

“Good choice,” said Dr. Sato. “You’ll be seeing them for the next six to eight weeks, so I hope red’s your favourite colour.”

“It is,” I said. “He likes red and blue.”   

“You could have a different colour on each side,” she teased. She reached down and began to unfasten the brace that had been keeping his neck and head immobilized. “Here, let’s get rid of this now. Try to relax for me, all right?”

“Can I really have a different colour on each side?” Victor asked.

“If you like,” she said. “Take your small joys where you find them, is what I like to say.  Okay... off with the collar.  I’m going to touch your neck. You let me know if anything hurts you.”

“Okay.”

She examined all along the sides and back of his neck, and the determination was that it was very stiff and sore, but nothing else was wrong with it. Dr. Sato’s conclusion was, “That’s very good. You’re not going to be doing anything other than resting for the next few days, so that should start to feel better soon.”

The moment she took her hands off him, he rolled his head slowly in my direction. “Yuri, can we go home now?”

“Not tonight,” I said. “I think Dr. Sato wants you to stay here

“Yes, we’ll keep you at least until Sunday,” said the doctor. “I want you resting quietly until tomorrow, and then we’ll have you up and moving a little so we can check your motor functions and your balance and coordination. If you can manage without too much difficulty, I’ll let you go home after lunch on Sunday.”

Victor’s features scrunched in an obvious expression of concentration. “That’s… how many days?”

“Two sleeps,” Dr. Sato said. “Tonight and tomorrow night.

“That’s a long time to be naked,” he said, sounding bemused.

Dr. Sato laughed out loud at that. “I’ll bet you’re a handful when you’re well. You shouldn’t be naked unless you’ve taken off your socks and underpants since the last time I saw you. You haven’t, have you?” 

His response came out at the same volume as the rest of what he’d been saying, but I think he thought he was stage-whispering. “Yuri, can you check? I don’t remember.”

“You’ve got your work cut out for you with this one, Yuri,” Dr. Sato looked as if she still wanted to laugh. “Victor, don’t worry. We’ve got some pyjamas for you. A personal care assistant will be along soon to help you with that, and they’ve seen it all, so if your underthings have vanished under mysterious circumstances, they won’t be too bothered by it.”

Dr. Sato talked with us for a few more minutes, telling us what we could expect after a severe concussion both from Victor’s perspective as the injured person and from my perspective as his caregiver. She also talked about pain management for his arms, and asked about any medication allergies. I was embarrassed to admit that I didn’t know if Victor had any allergies to certain medications. He’s never mentioned it to me before, and I’ve never seen him take any medications other than an occasional ibuprofen tablet.

She said she could check with his GP. When I told her the name of Victor’s doctor is Hiroshi Sato, we were surprised to learn that our wonderful Dr. Lily Sato is his daughter. 

I really am grateful for her. Not only is she brilliant in her profession, but she also has an amazing bedside manner and she seems like a genuinely lovely person. She made us both as comfortable as possible in a difficult situation, and I can honestly say I feel confident that my Victor is in good hands with her. 

Oh, and she gets bonus points for locating Victor’s rings. Before she left, I asked her about them and she said they were most likely in a locked room downstairs where patients’ valuables are kept until they’re discharged. She told me that I could check at the reception desk and someone should be able to retrieve them for me. Now, they’re tucked away safely in the little box on my dresser where I keep my snowflake bracelet, awaiting the moment when I can put them on his fingers again. 

In the wake of Dr. Sato’s departure, we had a visit from a personal care assistant. Then Yuna, the friendly nurse from earlier, came in to give Victor something to help ease the pain in his arms. I learned that Victor doesn’t like needles, and I got further confirmation that he’s capable of charming almost anyone, even in his current condition. Yuna certainly fell for him. She told him he was adorable, and I might’ve been jealous if she hadn’t said it in a way that implied she found him adorable like one might find a puppy adorable. Naturally, he soaked up the attention, and told her that he might eventually like getting shots if she gave them to him every time. 

If I didn’t know how devoted he is to me, I’d be worried. 

It didn’t take long for whatever Yuna had given Victor to start working. It must’ve been the really good stuff, because not only did he visibly relax, but he began to drift off. He said something about floating and about magic potion, and I smiled, recalling some of the funny things Victor claims I’ve said under the influence of strong painkillers.  

I pulled off my shoes and climbed up beside him on the bed. Mindful of his arms, I got as close to him as I could. It was a tight fit, but this wasn’t the first time both of us had cuddled together on the same hospital bed so I knew it’d be fine. 

I draped my arm over him and rested my hand on his chest, comforted by the feeling of it rising and falling with each breath.

“I love you,” I whispered. “We’ll get through this together.” 

“Lo’ you,” was his soft, mumbled reply.

While Victor slept, I lay awake for what felt like a very long time, thinking about all the things I’d need to do once he came home. Without the full use of his hands, he wouldn’t be able to handle chopsticks and maybe not a fork or spoon either. He wouldn’t be able to brush his teeth, comb his hair, shave, or do anything else that would require manual dexterity. Personal care aside, all the errands, cooking, housecleaning, laundry and caring for the dogs would be on me as well. It was a lot, and I was concerned that I wouldn’t be able to cope on my own. 

But then it occurred to me that when I’m really ill, Victor takes on all the household responsibilities by himself. Sometimes he even has to help me with personal things like going to the bathroom, bathing and changing clothes, and he’s been known to feed me on occasion as well.

If he can do everything for me without extra help, I should be able to do the same for him. I wasn’t deluding myself into believing it’d be straightforward or easy, but I’d be a terrible partner if I didn’t try my best to look after him when he needed me, even if it presented a challenge. 

Eventually, I fell asleep,  

The next thing I knew, I was waking up to someone gently shaking my shoulder. At first, I thought it might be a nurse or a care assistant, but then I heard my father’s voice say quietly, “Yuri.”

I was so startled, I nearly rolled off the bed. It was just pure luck that I had enough of my wits about me to right myself and land on my feet instead of my backside. Breathlessly, I demanded, “What are you doing here?” 

Papa looked somewhat startled too. “I came back to check on you and Victor,” he said.

“You didn’t have to do that.”

“I know I didn’t have to,” he said. “I just wanted to make sure you were okay.”

I gazed at him, unsure as to how I should react. As I said, okay is a relative term, and in that moment my instinct was to retort that neither Victor nor I was okay. But we could have been worse, so in the grand scheme of things maybe we were okay.

At last I said, “We’re doing as well as can be expected.”

“A nurse caught me on my way in and said I couldn’t stay. Visiting hours are over. She said that if you were still here, I should remind you.”

“I know,” I said. “I was asleep. I didn’t realize the time.”

He smiled slightly. “I saw that you were asleep,” he said. “You must be exhausted. Let me take you home.”

My immediate instinct was to say no, but instead I offered lamely, “What about my car?”

“I’ll bring you back here in the morning," Papa said.

“You’re going to drive up the mountain to get me in the morning?”

“Well, I was hoping you’d come home with me,” he said. “You can sleep in your old room.”

“I can’t do that. I need to take care of the dogs. They’ve been alone since this morning.  Besides, Victor’s going to be here for at least a couple of days, so I need to gather up some things for him, and I need to take my medication and—”

“Yuri.” Papa held up a hand to halt the tangle of words falling out of me. “You can do all those things. I’ll take you to your house first, and I’ll help you do whatever you need to do.”

I shook my head. “I want to sleep in my own bed.”

In reality, I wanted to sleep in Victor’s bed. I wanted to put on one of his shirts and breathe in the sweet scent of coconut sunscreen that permeates almost every piece of clothing he’s worn. I wanted to wrap myself in his favourite white blanket and cuddle his ridiculous monster plushie that he still sleeps with sometimes.

“All right,” Papa said. “Then, let me stay the night with you. I don’t like the idea of you being up there in the middle of nowhere all alone.”

“It’s not the middle of nowhere. There are other houses on Kiyomatsu Point Road, you know. It’s not as if—”

“Yuri.” 

For some reason, the way he said my name made me think of when I was a little boy and I’d be trying to argue with him about bedtime, insisting that I wasn’t tired even though I was ready to fall over. The funny thing was, I usually really wanted to go to bed, but I also wanted to have the last word.

I can remember him carrying me up to my room and tucking me in. Sometimes he’d read to me and sometimes he’d sing. He’d even cuddle me if I wasn’t well and just needed some extra attention.

It’s strange to think about that and to recall there was actually a time in our lives when we were close enough to be comfortable with that much physical contact. He didn’t always see me the way he sees me now, but I suppose it’s easier to not have unreasonable expectations of a young child. 

I sighed. “Okay. I guess you can have my room for the night.”

I don’t know what possessed me to give in. Perhaps I was simply too tired to argue with him any more, or perhaps, deep down, I didn’t want to be alone either. I didn’t understand why he was being so solicitous and nice to me all of a sudden, but just then I didn’t have the mental strength to question it.

“I thought you wanted to sleep in your own bed,” Papa said. 

“I…” Almost involuntarily, I glanced over my shoulder at Victor.

Papa was smiling. “I see. You’re going to sleep in his bed.”

“Yes,” I confessed, wondering how he knew that, or how he even knew we each had our own room. “We’d probably be sharing his bed tonight if he wasn’t here.”

“It’s not the same without them, is it?” Papa said. “You’ll have him home with you in a few days, though. As for me…” He sighed, apparently opting to abandon whatever he’d been about to say. “Your love is coming home to you. That’s something to be thankful for.”

“I am thankful,” I said. “There aren’t enough words to explain how much.”

“Hold onto that feeling,” my father said. “Some people are rare treasures, Yuri. If you’re lucky enough to have someone like that, don’t ever take them for granted.” 

[stargazer-sims]

Journal Entry #45 (part three)

previous // next // story index

__________

Yuri

To say the hospital isn’t my favourite place would be a massive understatement. I have the most distressing and traumatic memories associated with hospitals, and walking through the emergency department entrance with my boss on this terrible January afternoon, I knew today would rate high on my list of bad experiences.

As we entered, the pungent smell of antibacterial cleaning products hung heavily in the air, and it made my nostrils burn and my stomach lurch. The lights were so bright that I wanted to close my eyes. I stopped walking, too overwhelmed by the assault on my senses to continue.

Mr. Tanaka put a hand on my shoulder, evidently curious as to why I’d stopped. The contact made me flinch, but I didn’t pull away from him. I inhaled deeply and told myself that it was okay for him to touch me like that. Nothing would happen. He was trying to help. When I exhaled, the sound that came out of me was a tiny but nevertheless alarming whimper.

“Yuri? Are you okay?” Mr. Tanaka asked quietly.

“No,” I said. “I'm not.”

"Don't take such deep breaths," he advised. "That disinfectant smell will hit you right at the back of your throat."

"It already has," I said. "I don't think I can do this."

With his hand still on my shoulder, Mr. Tanaka carefully turned me so that we were facing each other. "Yuri," he said. "What have I told you about saying that?"

"Not to say it unless it's actually true," I replied.

"Good. Now, why don't you tell me what you should've said."

I stared at him for a moment. He wasn't reprimanding me and there was no judgement in his eyes. He was simply prompting me to communicate clearly. Communication is the business we're in, and I suppose he was encouraging me to speak clearly even in a crisis.

"This is my fault." I struggled to get enough air to speak. "I... I should've been here."

"No," said my boss. "You should've been exactly where I told you to be, which you were."

"I broke my promise," I whispered. "How could I have done that?"

"We all have to make choices, Yuri, and some of them are hard. Sometimes all we've got are no-win options, and sometimes we can't know what the outcome of our choices will be until after we make them."

"That's not comforting."

"I'm not trying to comfort you," Mr. Tanaka said. "I'm telling you that every choice has an impact of some kind, and some are impossible to predict, so you just have to do the best you can with the information you have at the time. In this case, the outcome might've been bad either way, but you knew what would happen if you didn't come to work. You had no way of knowing what would happen on the mountain."

"But if I'd been on the mountain—"

"Blaming yourself is not what you should be doing right now," Mr. Tanaka said. "This is no one's fault, and if you let yourself get caught up in guilt and self-pity, what good will that do your husband?"

"I... don't know?"

"It won't do him any good, nor you either," he said. He patted my arm. “Let’s find your friends, and find out what's going on, all right? I'll stay with you if you want."

"Yes please."

My friends weren’t difficult to locate. They were seated together on a pair of facing sofas, Takahiro and Fox on one and Seiji and Sakura on the other.

Seiji was curled into the corner of his sofa, facing away from everyone. It looked as if he were trying to make himself as small as possible, but Seiji is a large man by any standard and even in his strange upright semi-fetal position, he was taking up most of the space. Sakura was seated rigidly next to him, staring straight ahead but apparently seeing nothing.

On the other sofa, Taka looked as if he’d completely melted in Fox’s arms, and not in a good way. He lay limply against Fox’s broad chest, one hand curled loosely around the fabric of the front of his sweater. Even from a distance, I could tell he’d been crying. One of Fox’s hands was in his hair, stroking gently. He was saying something to Taka, but I couldn’t catch what it was.

“Sakura,” I said, once we’d gotten close enough.

My voice came out sounding strained, but it was sufficient to get her attention. In fact, everyone looked up when they heard me, including Seiji, who uncurled himself and turned enough to lower his feet to the floor. I was shocked at the sight of him. His face had the pale, greyish cast of someone who’d been throwing up, or was about to, and it was obvious he’d been crying more than Taka had been. He looked awful.

Sakura stood up immediately and started toward me, but she hadn’t even made it three steps before she was overtaken by somebody else.

My little sister Yuki came flying at me, seemingly from nowhere. I guess she’d been sitting on the floor next to the sofa Taka and Fox were on, either actually hidden from my view or having escaped my notice because I was focused on my friends. Yuki threw herself at me and nearly knocked me over in the process. The second I knelt down and put my arms around her, she began to sob uncontrollably.

“Yuki, it’s okay,” I said, even though it wasn’t. “I’m here. I’ve got you.”

A thousand thoughts raced through my head in that moment. I didn’t like that Yuki was here. These were not appropriate circumstances for a ten year old child to be thrown into, but at the same time, Yuki’s presence meant that our father was here somewhere too. Of course he’d have to bring Yuki with him. There’d be no one at home to watch her after school now that Hana and Misaki were gone. Our paternal grandfather would certainly still be at the office, and Grandmother might be off somewhere on an outdoor shoot rather than in her studio today.

“Papa told Koichi to get me from school and bring me here,” Yuki said, once her tears subsided a little. It was as if she’d been reading my thoughts. “He said… he said Papa couldn’t pick me up himself because there was an emergency.”

That meant Papa came straight here after Sakura called him. I got some measure of relief from that.

“I’m glad Koichi was able to pick you up,” I said. “I wouldn’t want you to be left at school.”

“What’s going to happen?” Yuki asked. “Ms. Fujimoto said Victor got hurt, but nobody will tell me anything.”

“Victor fell while he was snowboarding,” I told her. “I don’t know any more than you do. That’s why Papa’s here. He came to help. He’s been talking to the doctors and finding out everything while I was on my way back from the city.

“But… Papa doesn’t like Victor,” Yuki said, worry and trepidation in her tone. “Are you sure he’s really going to help?”

“If someone you didn’t like was in trouble, would you still help them?”

“Yeah, but—”

“Sometimes, situations are bigger and more important than the relationship between the people involved,” I said. “Helping is the right thing to do, and I think Papa knows that.”

Yuki nodded, but she didn’t seem convinced. “I hope Victor will be okay.”

“I hope so, too.” Still on the floor and hugging my sister, I glanced up at Sakura. “Did you see my father?”

“If he looks like an older, chunkier version of you, then yes,” Sakura said. “We saw him going to the registration desk, but he didn’t talk to us.”

“He didn’t even check on Yuki?”

“He was gone before Yuki got here with that nerdy younger guy.”

“Koichi isn’t nerdy!” Yuki interjected fiercely. “Don’t say that about him! He’s really smart and nice, and he’s my friend.”

“Shh… Yuki, it’s okay,” I said.

“It’s not!”she said, beginning to cry again. “This day is horrible, and it keeps getting worse, and… and I hate everything about it!”

“I know, baby,” I said. “I hate this day too, but I love you.”

“I wish I could do magic and just fix everything,” she said.

“Me too,” I murmured against the top of her head.

I’m not sure how long we stayed like that, holding onto each other as if we were the last people on the planet. It might’ve been several minutes or it could have been only a few seconds. My sense of time and maybe even my sense of reality were completely distorted.

I felt like I was trapped in a surreal dream, like I had been dropped without warning into somebody else’s life. It couldn’t be my life. In my perfect world, my beautiful baby sister didn’t cry like her heart was shattered, my two best friends didn’t look like they were being haunted by a horror from the past, and my knight in shining armour was not the one who needed saving. Everything felt wrong and, like Yuki, I wished I could utter a magic spell to set it right.

It was Sakura who drew me back to some level of awareness. “You should tell the woman at the registration desk who you are, Yuri.“

“Right,” I said.

“Would you like me to come with you, Yuri?” Mr. Tanaka asked.

“Yes," I said. "I’d appreciate that.”

“I’m coming too,” Yuki declared.

“No,” I said. “I think there’s something really important that you should do over here.”

“Like what?”

“I think Seiji really needs someone to help him,” I told her. “I think he could use some company.”

Over Yuki’s shoulder, I caught Seiji’s small, grateful smile. "Yeah,” he said. “I’d like it if you’d sit here and talk to me for a minute, Shirayuki.”

She was reluctant, but after a second or two, she let go of me and stepped back. Then, she climbed onto the sofa next to Seiji.

Getting to my feet was harder than I expected. I didn’t want to admit to anyone how unwell I was feeling, mostly because I didn’t want to give anyone the impression I was trying to make any part of this situation about me, but also because I didn’t think I could handle any of them touching me, even to help me up. The last thing I wanted was to panic, and I was afraid that was exactly what I’d do if anyone other than my sister made physical contact with me.

Mr. Tanaka walked with me to the registration desk where a woman with an obviously practiced neutral expression greeted us with “Can I help you?”

I told her who I was and explained to her why I was there. She consulted her computer screen for a moment, nodded to herself, and then picked up her phone. She had a brief conversation with someone on the other end of the line that concluded with, “Oh, really? That’s good timing. His husband is here at the desk right now. Okay, I’ll ask him to wait. Thank you.” She placed the phone receiver into its cradle and returned her attention to me. “Mr. Okamoto-Nelson, if you could just wait here, they said Dr. Sato will be up in a minute to speak to you.”

I was momentarily caught off guard at hearing the doctor’s name. Victor’s GP is Dr. Sato, but surely it couldn’t be the same one? That would’ve been too much of a coincidence. Besides, hadn’t Sakura said the ER doctor who spoke English was a woman? Although Victor’s GP does speak English, he’s a man in his early sixties and doesn’t exactly put forward the image of being energetic or quick-moving enough to work in an emergency department.

This Dr. Sato, as it turned out, was Lily Sato, a woman who didn’t appear to be entirely Japanese and who looked like she might be in her late thirties or early forties. When she introduced herself, she started off in English, and one of the first things I noticed was that she spoke it with a British accent even more pronounced than mine.

My parents hired a live-in tutor for me when I was growing up. Jack was from a place in the UK called Guildford, which is apparently near London. He taught me English, so I suppose that’s how my accent happened. To be honest, though, I’m not sure I even realized I spoke English that way until I met Victor. The very first time Victor and I talked on the phone, he pointed it out to me. He hadn’t actually needed to, since I’d heard immediately that his accent was not the same as mine. He said he hadn’t been expecting that, and it’d taken him by surprise.

"Why don’t we go to a room where we can speak privately?” Dr. Sato said, once introductions had been exchanged. She made eye contact with Mr. Tanaka. “Are you a relative as well?”

He nodded almost imperceptibly at me, and didn’t miss a beat when he told her, “I’m Yuri’s uncle.”

“Yes. Uncle Haru,” I said, flabbergasted at how smoothly he’d spun out that little white lie, yet infinitely grateful for it. “Would it be all right if he comes with us?”

“Of course,” Dr. Sato said.

‘Uncle Haru’ and I followed her down the stairs and through a big set of double doors. She led us a short distance down a corridor and then into a small room with a sign on the door that said quiet.

My next shock came when we stepped through the door and I saw my father sitting by himself at one end of a long blue sofa. He leapt to his feet the moment we entered, and hurried toward me.

“Yuri!”

Startled by the sudden movement, I took a step back and inadvertently collided with Mr. Tanaka. His calm assurance of, “Yuri, it’s all right,” was the tenuous anchor that kept me from bolting from the room.

My father glowered at him, but didn’t say anything.

“Please, have a seat,” Dr. Sato said. It was spoken pleasantly enough, but it wasn’t really a suggestion.

My father resumed his seat at the end of the sofa. I sat at the other end, and Mr. Tanaka positioned himself between us. The doctor settled on the other sofa, directly across from me

“Mr. Okamoto-Nelson—” she began.

“It’s Yuri,” I said. “You can call me Yuri.”

“Yuri,” she echoed. “As you know, I’ve been looking after your husband.”

I nodded. “How is he? Can I see him?”

“He’s in radiology at the moment, having x-rays of his arms and chest,” she said. “I’ve already decided to admit him, and your father has already signed the paperwork for him, so he’ll go to a room once his x-rays are done, and then you can see him.”

“Okay,” I said, just to show that I understood. I took a steadying breath, but still faltered as I asked, “Can you tell me… How serious is it?”

“That’s what we’re doing our best to determine. He’s most certainly sustained a head injury. We’ve already sent him for a CT scan of his head and neck, so we can determine the extent of it.” she explained. “He has sensation in all his limbs, so that’s a positive sign, but I’m very concerned about his ability to communicate. The paramedics said he was unconscious initially, but he’s been conscious since we’ve had him here. He’s had periods of alertness, but he didn’t seem able to focus on anything we asked him.”

"But he can talk?”

“He can,” she confirmed. “He just hasn’t made a lot of sense.” She paused for a second, as if she was thinking something over. “Are you aware of anyone called Elsa? A friend or family member, perhaps? He kept asking for her.”

Despite the gravity of our conversation, I suddenly found myself wanting to laugh. “Elsa is his snowboard.”

“Oh,” said Dr. Sato. “That’s… unexpected.”

“Not if you know Victor,” I said. “When will you get the test results?”

“We’ll be able to see the x-rays as soon as they’re done, and the technician is probably reading the CT results right now, so we should have that one fairly soon too. I’ve also asked the ophthalmologist on call to come down and have a look at him. So, we should have a much clearer picture for you soon.”

“An ophthalmologist?” I echoed. “An eye doctor? Is there something wrong with his eyes?”

“He was experiencing impaired vision. That could be due to the head injury or it could be an injury to the eye itself,” Dr. Sato said. “He’s got quite a lot of bruising on the left side of his face, particularly around his eye, and we think he may have collided with something.”

“One of the gates on the course,” I said.

“Pardon?”

“Parallel giant slalom. It’s an alpine snowboarding event. A race. Two riders go through two parallel courses at the same time, and they each have to make turns around the red or blue gates. The one who’s the fastest moves on, and the other one is eliminated.” I didn’t know why I was explaining this. I was rambling aimlessly, unable to prevent myself from doing it. “It’s Victor’s best event. He loves going fast.”

“I don’t know much about snowboarding, I’m afraid,” the doctor said. “All I can tell you is that whatever your husband collided with, it may have saved his life by slowing his trajectory. The paramedic seemed to think he was going around seventy-five kilometers per hour.”

“At least that,” I confirmed. “Do you think the vision problems will be permanent?”

“We won’t know until the ophthalmologist examines him. I’ll come and speak to you again when we have all the results, and then we’ll have a prognosis and we’ll be able to make a treatment plan going forward.”

“All right,” I said, because there was really nothing else I could say at that point.

“Do you have any questions?” the doctor inquired.

I shook my head. “I just want to see Victor.”

“Very soon, you can. Once he’s settled in his room, someone will come and fetch you.”

“Thank you,” I said.

She offered me a small smile. “You’re welcome. I need to get back to my patients, but I’ll find you and let you know what’s happening as soon as we have an update for you.”

All I could do was nod in acceptance.

As soon as the door closed behind Dr. Sato, the stillness in the room was shattered. My father turned toward my boss and demanded, “All right, now that the doctor is gone, you can tell me who the hell you are and what you’re doing with my son.”

“I’m Haruhito Tanaka,” said my boss, unflappable as ever. “Haru to my friends, but you can call me Tanaka. And you’re the father? I’ve heard a lot about you.”

“Kenji Okamoto,” Papa said. “Yes, I’m Yuri’s father. And I presume you’re the employer, now that I’ve heard your name.”

“Yes,” Mr. Tanaka said.

“Well, thank you for coming from the city with Yuri, but I think it’s appropriate for you to leave now. We’ll be fine without you from this point.”

“I think that’s up to Yuri to decide, don’t you?”

“No,” said my father. “I do not. This has nothing to do with you, Tanaka-san. It’s a family matter, not something in which to involve a stranger.”

“Interesting you should call me that,” Mr. Tanaka observed. “I may be wrong, but from my understanding, I’m less of a stranger to Yuri than you are.”

"Haru.” I used his given name to get his attention. “This isn't—”

“No, Yuri, let him go on,” Papa said. “I’m curious to know why this man thinks he has more of a place in your life than I do.”

There were so many ways I could have responded to that. First and foremost, I could have pointed out that Mr. Tanaka talks to me practically every working day. He’s given me guidance and advice, not only for my career but for my life outside of work as well. Unlike my father, he’s been kind to me. He’s made a genuine effort to get to know me and to understand and accommodate my needs.

“When was the last time you’ve spoken to him?” Mr. Tanaka asked. “You can’t claim a place in the life of someone you don’t even know.”

“How dare you imply that I don’t know my own son?” my father fumed.

“I’m not implying anything,” said Mr. Tanaka. “I’m simply making an observation.”

“I’ll thank you to keep your observations to yourself,” Papa said. “My relationship with Yuri isn’t your business. You don’t have the right to assume—”

“Stop!” I exclaimed. “Both of you… stop.” My voice caught on the last word, but I pulled in a ragged breath and went on, “Please. You’re not helping, and this is difficult enough without a pointless argument.”

My father glared. Judging by his face and body language, he wanted to keep going, but to his credit, he didn’t.

As for Mr. Tanaka, he immediately looked contrite and said. “I apologize. You’re correct. This isn’t the time or the place. I’m just concerned about you.”

“I appreciate that you’re concerned for me,” I said.

“I should go,” he said.

I didn’t really want to see him leave, but I knew it would be better if he did. It was clear that he and my father could not be in the same room together, and although i valued Mr. Tanaka’s support, I didn’t have the emotional stamina to be the referee between Papa and him.

“I’ll call you later and let you know what’s going on,” I told him.

“Don’t hesitate to call me any time, if you need anything,” he said

“Thank you,” I said. “For everything you’ve done today.”

“I’m glad I could help. If you’re not able to work on Monday, let me know, okay?”

“I will.”

“I’m off to the train station, then. Take care of yourself, Yuri.” He headed toward the door, but just as he was about to leave, he turned slightly to look back at Papa. “And you, Okamoto-san. Let me give you some free advice, from one father to another. Everything you say and do in front of your children matters, and if you’re not doing everything you can to protect your relationship with them…” He paused, perhaps thinking better of what he’d been about to say. “Listen, your son is a remarkably strong and intelligent young man, and you shouldn’t throw away your chance to learn that for yourself.”

[stargazer-sims]

Journal Entry #45 (part one)

previous // next // story index

__________

Yuri

To borrow a phrase from Victor... worst day ever.

The whole horrible chain of events started on Wednesday, two days ago, when one of our firm’s clients decided to have a go at doing their own social media communications without consulting us. Needless to say, the results were problematic. They thought they were being clever and funny, but the entire swath of customers they’d offended with their casually racist attempt at humour hadn’t thought so.

Following a veritable tsunami of negative feedback overnight, the client phoned Mr. Tanaka in a panic on Thursday morning, demanding that he do something about it. Mr. Tanaka is still guiding me a little, but it’s technically my file, and it’s one of the more significant ones he’s given me to work on since my promotion back in the summer. Naturally, the proverbial stone always rolls downhill, so despite Mr. Tanaka taking the initial call, this problem also quickly became my problem.

After getting his ear practically chewed off by the client’s representative, Mr. Tanaka called me and filled me in on the situation. He told me that I needed to be on the next train to Kyoto so that we could meet with the client rep and do some damage control.

The next train to Kyoto was this morning — Friday — but I decided to drive instead. That may have been the only blessing in this disastrous day, but I’ll get to that.

Thankfully, it’s not a frequent occurrence that one of our clients goes rogue, does something foolish and then forces us to clean up after them, but it does happen often enough not to be surprising. It’s annoying, but dealing with it is part of my job and I accept that I have to take the bad with the good.

Having to go to the city on short notice to deal with a client-made situation wouldn’t normally be an issue. The problem with going to the city today was that today was also the first day of competition for the Arashiyama Peak Cup, which is a qualifier for the All-Japan Snowboarding Championship. Victor was competing, and I’d promised him I would come and watch him. Now, because of this sudden crisis at work, I couldn’t be there.

He was not happy at all when he found out, and I couldn’t blame him for being disappointed. I was disappointed too. I’d wanted to see him compete as much as he wanted me to be there to cheer him on.

We didn’t speak to each other much last night, each of us brooding in our own little bubble of resentment and self-pity. In hindsight, I realize we shouldn’t have gone to bed without at least trying to talk about it, but I guess neither of us was thinking clearly enough to suggest that. We each slept in our own rooms. I hate it when that happens, especially when it’s because our communication has broken down or we’re not getting along.

This morning, I woke up feeling awful. I was in enough pain that I seriously considered not going anywhere even though I knew that wasn’t really an option. Unless I was literally too ill to function, I would be at the office. This wouldn’t be the first time I’d be relying on painkillers and willpower to survive a work day.

Victor stayed in his room when I got up, which was unusual for him. He didn’t even come out to ask if I was okay, though I’m certain he must’ve heard me being horribly sick in the bathroom next door. Usually, he’d be right there, making a huge fuss over me and asking me a zillion times if there was anything he could do, but this morning, I was on my own. I fought the urge to cry as I stood under the hot spray of water in the shower, already despising everything about this day that had barely begun.

The medication was starting to dull my pain by the time I’d fixed my hair and finished getting dressed. I didn’t feel better, but at least I believed I could manage.

I looked at my snowflake bracelet sitting on top of the dresser and actually debated with myself for a second whether or not I wanted to put it on. In the end, I wore it because despite feeling ignored and a little bit angry, it seemed petty just to leave it lying there conspicuously for Victor to see the next time he came into my room.

Downstairs, I found Victor in the kitchen. He must’ve left his room while I was in the shower. He was brewing a pot of tea, and he didn’t turn around when I entered.

“Morning,” he said. “I made breakfast. Are you going to eat?”

“Will it be a problem if I don’t?” I asked.

He shrugged. “Do what you want.”

He was facing away from me, but I stared at his back as if he could see my expression anyway. “You’re not even going to try to convince me?”

“No,” he said. “What’d be the point? If you don’t feel like eating, you don’t have to. I’m not going to harass you about it. I don’t want to complicate your life any more than it is already.”

I sighed. “Victor, you don’t complicate my life. Why would you say something like that?”

“You said I’m unreasonable.”

“When did I say—”

“Last night,” he said. “Remember, when you were telling me about your stupid work meeting and I said I wished you didn’t have to go to the city today?”

“I said you were being unreasonable because you were acting like I’m doing this on purpose,” I said. “I actually want to see you in the competition, you know. If it were up to me, I wouldn’t be going to Kyoto today, but it’s out of my hands.”

“It is not,” he countered. “You do most of your other work meetings by video conference. I don’t see why you couldn’t do this one that way. At least you’d get to come and see me in my first event this morning.”

“It’s not up to me. Mr. Tanaka asked me to go to the office, so what could I do? Besides, even if I could meet with the client representative by video conference, the meeting is set for this morning.”

“You could’ve told your boss you had a prior commitment.”

“Going to your snowboarding competition is not a prior commitment.”

“Yes it is,” he said. “You promised.”

“Is that what this is about, me not being able to keep my promise?”

He finally turned around and his face looked exactly like Yuki’s does when we tell her she can’t have cake before dinner. “What did you think it was about?”

“Victor, you’re being immature,” I said. “I know you’re upset and I’m sorry, but my clients and my job are important.”

“More important than me?”

“No. I didn’t mean it like that. Of course you’re important. You’re the most important, but you need to understand that some things take priority sometimes. I really am sorry I can’t be on the mountain with you today, and I’m not breaking my promise because I want to.”

“Okay,” he said. “I get it.”

“Do you?” I asked, because his tone and his body language suggested that either he didn’t get it, or he did but refused to accept it.

“Yeah, I do. I just don’t like it. I think there could’ve been a way around it, like asking your client to be flexible or something. I mean, it’s their own fault they’re in the mess they’re in. It’d serve them right to make them wait.”

“You know that’s not how it works.”

“It’s stupid,” was his response.

I had to agree that it was. Victor wasn’t wrong about it being the client’s own fault either, but I’m not high enough up the chain to point that out to them and still have a job at the end of the day. I said, “I don’t want to fight about this any more.”

“We’re not fighting,” he said.

“What are we doing?”

“Having a conversation. Expressing our thoughts.”

“All right,” I said. “If that’s what we’re doing, then my current thought is that I don’t want to leave with you angry at me.”

“I’m not angry.”

“Can you tell me how you’re feeling?" I asked. "Because you seem angry to me.”

He looked away from me as he often does when he's searching for a way to put his feelings into words. A handful of seconds passed and then he shrugged. “I don’t know. Disappointed? Sad and annoyed and… kind of angry too, I guess."

"You have a right to be angry with me," I conceded. "But you know I needed you to say it, don't you? To acknowledge it, even if we can't do much to fix it."

"I know," he said. "But I'm not mad at you. I know it’s not your fault. I’m just upset by the situation. Like, I get that your job’s important and that it has to take priority sometimes, but this is important to me and I really wanted you to be there.”

“I’m sorry,” I said. “I don’t know what else to say. I’ll be there to see you in your other events tomorrow and Sunday, and there’ll be other competitions this season. I’ll come to as many as I can. I pr—“

“Don’t." He cut me off with an upraised hand gesture. “I don’t want you to promise me anything else.” He looked away again and added softly. “It’ll hurt too much when you end up not being able to do it.”

“Victor—“

“I have to get ready,” he said, and I could tell he was fighting hard not to cry in front of me. He turned abruptly and headed for the stairs. “See you when you get back from Kyoto tonight.”

“What about your breakfast?” I asked.

“Don’t worry about it.”

“No going on the mountain without eating breakfast,“ I reminded him. "That’s the rule.”

“I know. I’ll eat before I leave.” he said, already disappearing up the steps and out of my sight. “Don’t miss your train. Take your meds, and remember to eat something today. Protein, Yuri. Not useless carbs.”

“Okay, no carbohydrates," I agreed. "And I’m taking the car.”

“Okay, cool,” was the disembodied acknowledgement.

“I love you,” I called up the stairs. “Be safe.”

He didn’t reply, and I silently questioned whether or not he’d even heard me. I tried to convince myself he hadn’t because I don’t think he’s ever missed an opportunity to tell me he loves me. In fact, he’s usually the first to say it and I’m the one to respond.

Of course I knew he loved me without needing to hear him say it. One disagreement wasn’t going to change everything we’d created together over the past five years. We don’t argue as much as some couples do, but it’s not as if we never fight or disagree about things, and we’ve always worked our way through it, both during the time our relationship was long distance and during the two years that we’ve lived together. If we didn’t love each other, we wouldn’t try to fix things when they go wrong. One or the other would’ve walked away long ago.

The drive into the city felt interminable. The moment I arrived at the office, I wanted to text Victor to let him know I got there, but I realized that he was probably on the mountain already and wouldn’t have his phone. He doesn’t usually take it with him to competitions, and if he did bring it for some reason, more than likely his coach would have it.

With that in mind, I slipped into the empty conference room where our meeting was going to take place, and texted Victor’s coach instead. Her name is Sakura Fujimoto. I think I’ve mentioned her before and I know Victor has talked about her in previous videos. They're very close and she's fiercely protective of him, which is a quality I admire even if it sometimes causes a little friction between her and me.

Victor and Sakura met one another only a few weeks after he came here. They met on the mountain and the two of them bonded over their passion for snowboarding and the fact that they were both high-level athletes and both competitors in the alpine snowboarding events.

For the first little while, it seemed they just hung out casually and sometimes trained together, but the nature of their relationship changed last season when Sakura injured her back during a competition. She was thirty when it happened. According to both her and Victor, she probably could've competed for another two or three seasons if not for the injury, but apparently the doctors told her that it’d likely be a career-ending injury at that age. She hung up her board — named Senbazuru, in case you thought Victor was the only one who names his snowboards — and found a full-time job which happened to be at the fitness centre in Kiyosaka. She was thrilled when Victor started working there last summer too, and that’s when they hatched their plan for Sakura to get back into the sport by coaching him.

Sakura replied to my text, saying that she was indeed with Victor, and they they were going to watch Seiji in his first freestyle event. She said the event order had been switched, so that the women’s parallel giant slalom would be in the morning and the men’s event in the afternoon. I told her that I didn’t know how long I was going to be in the city, but if I could, I’d try to get back in time.

«Tell Victor I said not to break his neck» was the next message I sent to her.

Her response was an annoyed face emoji and «That’s not funny. I’m not telling him that.»

As much as I didn’t want to admit it, her reply hurt, like a sharp little jab in the middle of my chest. Belatedly, it occurred to me that she had no clue about the little pre-competition ritual Victor and I have. Maybe Victor told her we’d had a disagreement, and now she thought I was being a smartass.

I considered asking her to pass her phone to Victor so I could call and talk to him, but just as I was about to do that, the door of the conference room opened, and my boss walked in with a white lady who looked like she’d had a couple of sleepless nights.

She's the representative of our client, and her name is Helena Flatt. I had to suppress the urge to ask if there was a correlation between her surname and the success of her attempt at humour on the company's social media accounts.

Honestly, I did try feel even a tiny shred of sympathy for Ms. Flatt, but no matter what, I couldn’t. This woman wasn’t only ruining my day, but undoubtedly Victor’s as well.

«Tell him I love him» I hurriedly texted to Sakura, and then I had to put my phone down as Mr. Tanaka greeted me and gestured for the frazzled Ms. Flatt to sit across from me at the long, polished wood conference table.

My phone was on silent, but I didn’t hear it buzz with a new reply from Sakura. I wondered if she’d given Victor my last message.