#What Value Does Compound Have?

[orellazalonia]

Comedic Relief

Summary: After overhearing teammates call you the "comic relief" and question your seriousness, you begin to doubt your place on the team despite being a genius in disguise. Bucky finds you spiraling in your lab, reminds you of your brilliance, and confesses how deeply he values and loves you. (Bucky Barnes x chaotic!reader)

Word Count: 1.4k+

A/N: Wanted something angsty. I also debated having them run away temporarily and having Bucky find them first, but I liked how this turned out in the end. Happy reading!!!

Main Masterlist | Earth’s Mightiest Headache Masterlist

You weren’t supposed to hear it.

Honestly, you never meant to. You were crawling through the ceiling vent to test your portable gravity-altering boots as one does and accidentally dropped into the hallway by the training center. You didn’t land gracefully. You bounced. Twice.

No one noticed.

You were about to make a dramatic entrance to demand “scientific respect and perhaps a sandwich” when your name floated through the crack of the door.

“She’s just… not serious,” One of the rookies was saying. “I know she’s smart, obviously, but it’s like, can you trust her in a real op? Last week she got distracted mid-mission because she thought the enemy base’s reactor looked ‘like a sexy espresso machine.’”

You could hear someone chuckle before another added, “Yeah, and she asked Fury if ‘thermonuclear’ was a made-up word.”

You blinked. That was a joke. You knew what thermonuclear meant. You’d accidentally built a thermonuclear coffee machine last year that tried to launch itself into low orbit. They made you name it and put it in a SHIELD containment box.

“Honestly, she’s more of the comic relief, you know?” Another said. “Like, she’s the team mascot. Not really part of the brain or someone you should trust.”

You weren’t sure what part of you tensed first. Maybe it was your jaw, your spine, or your heart. It wasn’t a new feeling. Not really. It was just louder this time. More final. Heavier.

Mascot.

The word stuck to you like wet concrete.

You backed away before you could hear any more of the conversation, suddenly hyperaware of every squeak of your boots and every stupid joke you’d ever made this week. The “avocado bomb” prank on Steve. The trivia challenge you crushed but then celebrated by pronouncing “Columbus” as “Co-LUMB-us.” The marble run you built through the ventilation system that made the whole compound sound like a wind chime when it rained.

God. Was that all they saw?

You didn’t go to dinner. You didn’t reply in the group chat, even when Sam tagged you and asked why Bucky was sulking in the corner muttering “Where is she?” like a pissed-off gargoyle.

You didn’t even remember walking back to the lab. Your feet had carried you here on autopilot to your safe place, your mess, your cathedral of chaos and half-finished thoughts.

You locked the door behind you, not that anyone ever came in uninvited. Not unless Bucky had something to smuggle in for you (usually food or a weapon you weren’t technically cleared to modify). Not unless Tony wanted to gawk at your entropy.

The lab lights flickered on automatically. You winced at the brightness.

You moved like a ghost, almost afraid to touch anything. Your hands hovered above your desk, your workbench, the tower of half-functional prototypes stacked like a junkyard Jenga tower. You didn’t sit. You just stared at the avalanche of yourself. Your weird, brilliant, overwhelming mind spilled out across surfaces. Wires like spaghetti. Notes written in both formulae and doodles. Gel pens next to soldering irons. A circuit board shaped like a cat.

It all looked… childish. Stupid.

What were you even doing?

You finally collapsed into your chair, spinning once, twice, then fast enough that the corners of the room blurred. You kicked off the counter and made a loop around the floor, feet dragging. The motion didn’t help. If anything, it amplified the static in your chest.

Mascot.

You blinked hard, squeezing your temples. “No. No no no. Shut up. We’re not doing this today.”

You spun to your desk. Grabbed a marker. Scrawled something on the board.

atomic weight of hydrogen: 1.00784 u. bananas are a lie. you don’t need potassium that bad. you matter. you matter. you matter.

You stared at it for a long time. Then erased “you matter” so hard the whiteboard squeaked. Your hand kept going long after the words were gone. Until it hurt.

You stood. Paced a little more. Opened a drawer. Slammed it shut. You tugged at the sleeves of your hoodie, pacing faster now, muttering in a half joking, half begging, yet all unraveling way. “Who the hell builds a weather balloon to see if birds migrate better with Taylor Swift playing on a speaker? Who sets a toast-loving AI loose in the kitchen and calls it a ‘learning moment’ when it sets off four smoke alarms?”

You knocked into your shelf, and something clattered. You didn’t catch it. You didn’t care.

You backed into your chair and sank again, hands braced on your knees like gravity got heavier just for you. Your eyes burned.

“They’re right,” You said quietly. “I’m a joke. A distraction. They keep me around because it’s easier than telling me to leave.”

Somewhere behind you, the electronic calendar chimed softly:

Reminder: Tell Bucky you love him. (He already knows, but say it anyway.)

Your throat closed up.

You covered your face with both hands and curled forward, trembling. The quiet buzz of your machines felt deafening. You had built this place, crafted it like a cocoon, a temple, a home. Now it felt like a parody of genius.

You didn’t hear the knock at the door. Or the creak as it opened.

But you felt it when Bucky entered, his presence like a storm and a lighthouse all at once. Steady. Warm. Wordless.

He stood there for a moment. Watching. Taking in the wreckage. You hadn’t noticed the tears on your face until he knelt in front of you and reached up, thumb brushing just below your eye. He didn’t say anything right away. He just held you.

You weren’t even sure when your body had folded into his. One moment, you were curled in on yourself, vibrating with self-loathing, and the next, your face was buried in the crook of his neck and his arms were wrapped around you like armor. Like he could physically keep the world out if he just held on tight enough.

You gripped the front of his henley like it was the only solid thing left. It smelled like coffee and the soap he never admitted to stealing from Steve.

“I thought you were joking when you said you could feel my breakdowns in your soul,” You whispered, voice raw.

“I can,” He murmured against your hair. “Like a bat signal but sadder.”

You let out a broken sound, half sob, half laugh.

His metal hand rubbed slow, careful circles on your back; warm from the adaptive heat plates he let you install. The other hand cradled your head like you were fragile, which only made the cracks inside you widen. He never looked at you like you were fragile. Not until now.

“They think I’m a joke,” You mumbled into his chest. “They think I’m just the team jester with a few fun facts and a death wish.”

“That’s bullshit.”

“They’re not wrong.”

Bucky pulled back just enough to look at you, not with pity, but with fire.

“You built a quantum drive in a toaster oven,” He said firmly. “You hacked an alien translator using a flashlight and a Etch A Sketch. You—” He huffed, voice breaking. “You are the only reason half this team is alive.”

You stared at him, voice stuck in your throat.

“But I make everything a joke.”

“Because that’s how you survive,” He said softly. “You think I don’t know what it’s like to be underestimated because people are more comfortable laughing at you than respecting you?”

You looked down. “I just… if I stop being funny, I’m afraid they’ll stop wanting me around.”

Bucky reached up, cupping your cheek, thumb stroking beneath your eye.

“If they can’t handle all of you, not just the jokes and chaos and weird trivia, then they don’t deserve you. But I can.” His voice was low, steady. “I love you. All of you. The ridiculous, the brilliant, the heartbreaking mess of you. You could set the tower on fire trying to build a better microwave and I’d still think you’re the smartest person I’ve ever met.”

You blinked fast, and a soft smile tugged at your lips. “That was one time.”

“Twice,” He corrected. “And the second time, you swore it was intentional to teach Tony humility.”

You let out a breathless laugh, and he smiled. That sweet, rare smile he only ever gave you like you were something secret and sacred.

“C’mere,” He said, pulling you in again, tighter this time.

You curled into his lap and let yourself stay there, finally still, finally quiet. His hands never stopped moving, thumb tracing your spine, fingers gently combing through your hair, grounding you with every touch.

And in that moment, you didn’t feel like a mascot or a distraction.

You felt like someone loved and seen.

[vynxwave]

Share your thoughts on MegaSound? It was one of my first Transformers ships and even though it's not a rarepair or anything it's oddly less popular than I'd expect, and I don't see a lot of analysis of what their relationship is actually like in various canons

I'd love to! Yeah, finding out it's not as popular as I thought was surprising. With Soundwave often depicted as loyal to Megatron, I really would've thought it'd be more popular than it is. You're definitely right about there being a lack of analyses on their relationship, so I think I'll eventually make a post analyzing their relationship in various canons. For this post I'll be going over how I see MegaSound (and from what parts of canon I derive it from) and sharing thoughts about its (lack of) popularity/prevalence.

Here I'll note the basis of canon I ship them from across various continuities where they have a positive relationship*:

Megatron likes monologuing in Soundwave's presence and talking with him (Dreamwave Generation 1 (2002) #4, Megatron Origin #4, IDW Robots in Disguise (2012) #22, Prime). Considering Soundwave's continued steadfast loyalty, I'd reckon he likes hearing him talk/plan.

Soundwave is Megatron's confidant (War Within #2, Prime, IDW Robots in Disguise (2012) #17, IDW 2019)

The both care for each other's continued functioning (Soundwave does so consistently in loyalist depictions, and for Megatron it depends on the continuity/writer but is often true of him too (though, Soundwave doesn't get injured often); [specifics cited later in this post])

Soundwave's loyalty even extends to when Megatron loses his marbles (WFC: Kingdom E03, Galvatron in Sunbow G1 S3E14 & Headmasters E02 & E04), but his loyalty does not extend to Megatron defecting from the Decepticons (IDW Dark Cybertron, EarthSpark) due to Soundwave's loyalty to the Decepticon Cause.

Dreamwave Transformers: More Than Meets The Eye #6 Soundwave's character bio written from Megatron's perspective expressing his uncertainty of whether he can risk lending his trust and friendship to Soundwave is one of my favorite things with them.

(*this mostly excludes where Soundwave's characterized as a self-serving opportunist and where Megatron treats him as just another subordinate)

My MegaSound Thoughts

(Preface: Inspiration taken from all over, but classic Decepticon Cause and they're both as evil as typical. I ship them in various canons but here I describe a broad overview of ways I interpret this pairing and what aspects I'm interested in. I tried to avoid citing Soundwave's self-serving opportunistic depictions for the most part, but he often has a lot of character I like in them xD.)

For me their ship is built upon their longstanding mutual trust, respect, and reliability; especially compounded with the fact many of their comrades' loyalty is prone to wavering from time to time (whereas Soundwave has continuously stuck by his side). I also like to focus on Soundwave's staunch loyalty to and belief in Megatron and the Cause he embodies — and, importantly, Megatron's recognition of this.

For Megatron I like to think about what valuing someone in such a way means to a tyrant whose sights are set on control, destruction, and personal power.

I think Soundwave's competence, strength, devotion, skills, and intelligence would all be appealing to Megatron. Soundwave, with said qualities, has made himself indispensable to the Decepticons, and therefore indispensable to Megatron himself.

Perhaps one reason Megatron is drawn to Soundwave would be for the steadfast security he provides (compared to the unreliability/treachery of others).

Though, with Megatron being surrounded by the infighting/treachery of Decepticons, I think it would be natural for him to sometimes be uncertain of whether his closeness with Soundwave is as safe/secure as it seems (inspired by Dreamwave More Than Meets The Eye #6's Soundwave bio written from Megatron's perspective) due to how much sensitive information and vulnerability Soundwave's been trusted with. But any such feared betrayal would not come to pass, because Soundwave sides with him, including in his times of need.

All I've written so far assumes a wishy-washy loyalty in Megatron's other followers; for where he has other loyalists, perhaps Soundwave is just one of his oldest followers (Sunbow G1 "War Dawn", Dreamwave G1 (2004) #10, IDW 2019, Prime S1E26) and his loyalty is ultimately tried and true.

Time and time again, Soundwave is shown to care about Megatron's continued functioning/well-being (Sunbow G1 "MTMTE, Part 3" [Soundwave warning Megatron of Starscream's attack], Transformers: The Movie, War Within #6, Prime, All Hail Megatron #13, Fall of Cybertron [saddened at Megatron's death & later rebuilds him], Retribution ["And if it turned out he couldn’t save Megatron, Soundwave knew what his duty demanded. / Vengeance on everybody involved."], Transformers vs. The Terminator #2 [Soundwave repairs Megatron's optic], WFC: Kingdom E03).

In cases where Soundwave has been injured/killed, this has often been true of Megatron too (Transformers (2009) #17 [this & AHM #13 were both written by Costa — making this mutual care of each other's continued functioning intentional, I presume], Prime S2E14, Headmasters E02 & E04 if including Galvatron, WFC: Kingdom E03 [where Dinobot downs Soundwave then Megatron comes swinging]).

For Soundwave I first want to detail the basis of his character as I think it's important to recognize his beliefs and personality. His personality and how much is shown ultimately depends on the continuity and writer; and varies depending on if the writer favors the Marvel UK G1 Soundwave (self-serving opportunist) or the Sunbow G1 Soundwave (loyalist) depiction.

Soundwave believes himself to be superior to others (to other lifeforms, to Autobots, and even to fellow Decepticons) and it's not just a cool line, but an actual sentiment/belief he holds (Transformers: The Movie, Spotlight: Soundwave, Revolutionaries #3, Skybound Transformers #7, Animated S1E10 Sound and Fury), and it is continuously embodied in his actions and loyalty to the Decepticon Cause (conquest & domination). Following this, Megatron's ideals of Decepticon superiority must appeal to Soundwave greatly — as a result, their vision of the future and values are quite similar.

Soundwave has (well, if the continuity depicts it) a negative reputation among other Decepticons, with others actually being aware of his monitoring and subsequent reporting to Megatron (Prime S1E13 [among other episodes], implied in Robots in Disguise (2012) #11... I think, Earth Wars: Sea Phantom: "[...] The walls have audio receptors, if you know what I mean." / Coelagon: "Yeah, Soundwave has the place wired for sound.", Sunbow G1 "Countdown to Extinction" & "The Golden Lagoon"). Instead of such a reputation being a negative for Soundwave, it is something he has intentionally fostered for indirect power and control over the other Decepticons; and by doing this he's made Megatron hold him in high esteem (Prime, Dreamwave More Than Meets the Eye #6 [Soundwave's Bio], All Hail Megatron #10) and positioned himself securely in the Decepticon's upper ranks.

In line with his beliefs of superiority, Soundwave personality-wise is quite confident and secure. This is also true of his standing with Megatron (for reasons described above).

Following Soundwave's colder depictions, perhaps one of the bots he finds himself the most "warm" to or emotionally responsive to is Megatron, even if he may not express this the same way most others might (but I'd think Megatron would understand it, due to his perceptiveness and having known him a long time).

With Soundwave generally not being much of a conversationalist, I'd think Megatron easily makes up for this with all his talking and monologuing (they are so [eloquent] yapper x listener to me). Given Soundwave's continued loyalty, I'd like to think he quite likes hearing Megatron's voice and his ideas/plans; for Megatron I'd like to think he enjoys an intelligent and receptive audience and finds it in Soundwave (who gets to hear his words/plans unfiltered from the manipulative rhetoric he gives others), and likes Soundwave's encouragement and amoral pragmatism. As Megatron's confidant, Soundwave gets to hear him at his most honest (Dreamwave War Within #2, IDW Primacy #4, Prime).

I like to think about how them both being evil impacts what activities they find enjoyable. Moments in various canons that come to mind: All Hail Megatron #1 (where Megatron's like "Soundwave, if you will?" then >:D when Soundwave diverts the missiles), Prime S2E22 ("You should have seen Optimus Prime's face when his precious Star Saber shattered like glass [...]"), and Retribution Ch. 9 (where Soundwave really wants to show Megatron a playback of him and Ravage interrogating/torturing Decepticon traitor Axer for information that Megatron wanted). Could sharing the joy of violence be an evil love language xD?

For angst I think there's a lot of potential based in EarthSpark or Headmasters (the same is true of IDW 2005, though I won't be expanding on it here).

For EarthSpark there's S1E08 0:24 & 2:30 plus a sentence from the guidebook: "Soundwave believes that anyone who defects from the Decepticons is a traitor, and he considers Megatron the worst traitor of all!" Based on their interactions and dialogue (S1E08 Decoy "Don't make this personal, Soundwave." "It already is."), it's apparent that they used to be close before Megatron switched sides; and Soundwave's feelings impact Megatron a lot! Soundwave's recording calling out his hypocrisy invokes such a rage in him; and Soundwave calling him a traitor disheartens him, making him lower his cannon (and he would've been blasted had Optimus not intervened)!

For Headmasters Soundwave/Soundblaster would witness how much Galvatron differs from Megatron — how insane he's become, but also how distant he's become from him. (The Headmasters E04 & E10)

In general, I think there could be angst found in Megatron's favorite trope: getting put out of commission for a duration of time. Or, that trope could be bestowed upon Soundwave for a change xD (like in Transformers (2009) #17). Exploring the consequences of Megatron's hubris or lust for power could be fun too.

Favorite Moments in Various Canons

Dreamwave More Than Meets The Eye #6 Soundwave's bio:

[From the Datatracks of Megatron, Decepticon Leader] What is more valuable to a commander, loyalty or reliability? Loyalty is a luxury, but reliability is a necessity for effective military operations. Soundwave exemplifies the latter while projecting as much as the former as realistically possible. He is an indispensable lieutenant and a fierce warrior, with seemingly unshakeable loyalty to me and our cause. When I enter into combat with Soundwave beside me, I am assured that he will perform his role unerringly. I am, however, well aware of his blackmailing of other Decepticons and the fearsome retribution he takes on any who attempt cross him, safe in the knowledge that he is virtually untouchable in his current position. His flaunting of his role have caused many to turn against him, which has only strengthened his need for my favor and implicit protection. Thus far, Soundwave has been utterly faithful to my commands and risked his own life on my behalf several times. But is he only biding his time until his own power base is secure enough? Many great commanders have been undone by trust and friendship in the past… can I afford to extend these to even my most capable solider?

Dreamwave War Within #6 & Generation 1 (2004) #10 (Also, throughout Dreamwave's run Soundwave is actually visibly by Megatron's side, which I think is a pretty neat detail)

All Hail Megatron #13 & Transformers (2007) #17

I enjoyed their dynamic in IDW 2019 because of how visibly instrumental Soundwave is to the Decepticon's rise, and his subsequent importance to Megatron. (#5) (#16) (#26)

Soundwave's sheer nonchalance at getting yelled at/scolded by Megatron who was breaking things in rage (#11) was so funny to me... Soundwave knows he's too important.

In Fall of Cybertron (37:15) Soundwave reaches out sadly to Megatron's hand sticking out from beneath rubble (thanks to Megatron's hubris getting himself scrapped)

In WFC: Kingdom E03 Soundwave is concerned about Megatron and tries to caution/advise him, but it goes unheeded.

The Transformers (2003) PS2 Japan: nearly every time Soundwave and Megatron talk... ["Lord Megatron, I'm glad you're unharmed!], ["This is how a subordinate should behave!"], ["No, don't apologize. You are not to blame"], ["..."], ["high price"], [deferring to Soundwave's judgement]

I haven't actually watched Robots in Disguise (2015), but its portrayal of Soundwave's devoutness is pretty cool... specifically in S3E21 Collateral Damage what he says at the timestamp 5:49:

Soundwave: "[...] when [the transgalactic beacon generator is] activated at the highest point in the city it would transmit a signal strong enough to summon Megatron back to Earth." Sideswipe: "[...] but that much radiation won't just call Megatron it'll—" Soundwave: "—devastate the city, then spread to eradicate all life on Earth. Incidental collateral damage."

I don't know how to describe how much I love the coldness/callousness in his inconsideration for an entire planet, all for the sole purpose of getting Megatron back.

(Lack of) Popularity

I've thought about the reasons for the ship's lack of popularity/prevalence. The one that jumps out the most to me is that there's a lack of in-depth exploration into their relationship in canon despite their constant proximity and importance to each other — as in, plots hardly ever test/strain/strengthen their relationship (to elaborate, there's rarely tension between them, and when there is it's minor and carries no meaningful weight).

Well, IDW 2005 did do some things with their relationship, but it didn't feel as in-depth as other relationships because their backstory together (which occurred in phase 1 with Soundwave's self-serving opportunistic characterization) was recontextualized/retconned for phase 2's Decepticon Cause of equality origin and was there to ultimately serve their subsequent (and separate) becoming betterish arcs relevant to that origin, and then they never got a proper reconciliation together; post-Dark Cybertron Soundwave continued to keep Megatron in mind, whereas Megatron (iirc) doesn't ever think about him in any noteworthy way. (Elaboration/analysis of this will be in whenever I make that analysis post, although trying to analyze IDW 2005 is kind of a headache for me.)

Rarely does Megatron communicate how he feels about Soundwave to him beyond his usefulness/function (e.g. Megatron praising Soundwave in Prime and Sunbow G1). There's IDW Robots in Disguise (2012) #22 ("Ours, Soundwave. The world shall be ours." is a cool line that expresses Megatron wanting to conquer Cybertron with Soundwave, but this scene is a retcon & flashback — it only serves phase 2 Soundwave's arc in the present).

That's not to say Megatron never expresses any thoughts/feelings about Soundwave, of course (various episodes of Prime, Headmasters E02 ["Soundwave! NGHAAAHHHHH" — Galvatron after witnessing him explode], probably some moments from The Transformers (2003) PS2 Japan).

The most explicit of Megatron recognizing Soundwave's importance to him I can think of off of the top of my head is Primacy #2.

Obviously with this post, I think a lot about their relationship can be inferred from the way they interact and talk regardless of how much or little Megatron directly expresses to him. (With this post being for the purpose of shipping, all I mention here is through a shipping potential lens xD).

Perhaps another reason for this ship's lack of popularity, related to the first, is maybe Soundwave is broadly thought of as just a loyalist without knowledge of his other qualities and so people don't think it's interesting? (I could say more on this, but I'll end this post here.)

[caws5749]

Nat and reader getting into a heated argument about where they are in the relationship and reader breaks up with Nat, leaving Nat to decide what she wants (getting over her trauma etc) and coming back to reader

LOVING THE CRAZINESS ALREADY

A/N: THIS IS LATE BUT IM DRINKING A BEER AT 230AM AFTER WORK SO DOES IT COUNT AS DWN?????

Promoting: Nothing currently, I took a break this week from fanfic night as I am a tired soul

++++++

She wouldn't define it. Your relationship.

For a few months, you'd understood. Your lifestyles were beyond complicated and unpredictable. And making a relationship official could be dangerous in your line of work. But then you'd seen Steve with Sharon and Tony with Pepper and you couldn't understand why you had to be different.

And so you'd asked.

"Natasha, what are we?"

"We are in bed, detka, together. We care about each other. Isn't that enough?"

You'd valued her, loved her, so much that it was.

And maybe you should have been more forthcoming with what you wanted. But in all other aspects, she was unbelievably right for you.

Natasha Romanoff understood you better than anyone else on the planet, or the universe for that matter, including yourself. She knew what you wanted before you asked, what drove you mad, what you cared most about. She was protective of you, soothed you when you were anxious, and made you all around a better person. Except for that one little part about her not calling you hers.

Eight months in, you simply were unsure what to do. All you knew was that you couldn't keep doing this.

"What's the matter, lyubov moya?" Natasha's gentle voice asked, pulling you from your thoughts as you donned an earring at the vanity.

"Nothing," you replied, forcing a smile. Her eyes narrowed, but she didn't say anything. You weren't quite sure what she was thinking, and you were beginning to not care.

The two of you finished getting ready and headed out to dinner. It was a windy, stormy night in October- what normally would have elevated your mood. The restaurant was one of your favorites, but you were hardly hungry. It didn't matter that her hand was on your back, a move of protection and comfort you normally loved. It didn't matter that several people on the sidewalk had commented that you were a lovely couple. Because you weren't, not to Nat.

Upon entering, you weren't quite sure what had happened. You weren't sure what on earth prompted her to say it, or perhaps it was the universe's way of pushing you over the edge.

"My friend and I have a reserv-"

She didn't even get to finish her sentence, you were out the door, the feeling of her hand on your back simply a phantom sensation. The timing was perfect, really, thunder boomed loudly and lightning lit up the sky. You'd barely made it ten feet before it started pouring.

"Y/N!"

You kept walking. You couldn't stop, you wouldn't stop.

"Y/N, please- I-"

You turned, seething, hair plastered to your skin, dress clinging to you like a second skin. "You what?" you breathed, chest heaving.

"I- I didn't mean to-"

"Didn't mean to? Didn't mean to what- tell them we're not a couple? Because we certainly aren't, you have made that abundantly clear. Clear for the last eight goddamn months, Natasha! I won't do it anymore!"

You stopped for a breath, pure terror and regret on the woman's face standing across from you.

"Please," she begged quietly. You'd never heard her sound quite so... small. But whatever was holding her back from you, it wasn't enough.

"We're done. Whatever the hell we even are, whatever it is we've been doing, it's done."

++++++

You hadn't really seen her, funnily enough. Perhaps the timing of it all was another gift from the universe. Natasha had disappeared after the signing of the Accords and you had ended up breaking some of your teammates out of the Raft.

When she showed up at your door in the compound one evening, red hair redder than the last time you'd seen it, you weren't surprised. But you were certainly guarded.

"I love you. I'm not standing here to get you back, I wouldn't put you in that position," she began, eyes shining with truth, confidence, and adoration. "I was terrified of a relationship, of you. I thought I was weak, to want something so... human. I was scared to love you, scared of not being right for you, of being a danger to you. I could not have been more wrong. Tearing the Red Room down, facing my past, it made me realize that there is a strength t all of those things. I never stopped loving you. I never stopped wanting everything with you. And I am sorry." With that final declaration, she turned to leave.

And goddamn it, you simply couldn't let her.

"You are right for me," you said softly, stopping her in her tracks. You'd never associate her with anything other than graceful, yet the way she halted was almost too human for her. "You always were, Natasha."

She stood, staring at you in disbelief and confusion, mixed with a bit of hope.

"You can start by taking me out to dinner," you chuckled. She let that familiar perfect smirk grace her lips, before she grew serious.

"Even if we take it slow, know that you are mine. I have no intention of ever letting anyone believe otherwise."

[sha-lyuzar]

Loghain Mac Tir is my comfort character. It is not often a pleasant thing to admit, and my reasons are complex, and personal, but fundamentally what makes me so attached to him is how human he is. That kind of depth and complexity is what made me fall in love with Dragon Age in the first place. He’s not just a “noble hero” or an “evil villain,” but a fully realized person who embodies good and evil, and everything inbetween, who is shaped by his past and his deeply personal convictions, his flaws, his fears, his fierce love for Ferelden, and, most importantly his tragic mistakes, that lost him everything, and that is what makes him feel so real to me.

He doesn’t have an easy narrative arc. He’s not driven by simple greed, cruelty, or even by misguided idealism. He’s a survivor with wounds that never fully healed, and those wounds shape the way he sees the world and interprets threats. Every heinous decision and tragic mistake is a direct consequence of his loyalty to Ferelden and Maric, and his willingness to bear the burden of horrific choice. He has been bleeding for his cause since he was a child, and it has turned him into the same kind of cruel and cold tyrant He fought against in the first place, and watching him struggle to hold true to his values, and eventually abandon them, as his path grows darker and more isolating, is this profoundly tragic thing that to me is infinitely more compelling than a classic Hero's Journey.

What Loghain did in the Alienage is deeply disturbing and inexcusable. Using Tevinter slavers to control and exploit the elves is one of the darkest points in his character arc. It’s a choice that reveals just how far he’s willing to go to maintain control and secure his idea of Ferelden’s “independence,” even at the cost of his own morality, so He lets in a foreign power to abduct and subjugate the citizens he claims to be protecting. It unveils the extremes of his desperation and paranoia, because in his mind, he’s protecting Ferelden, but in reality, he’s perpetrating the very kind of oppression he once fought against. It is dark, it is horrific, it is unforgiveable, and that is the whole point.

He has to confront the devastation he’s caused, and he can’t simply brush it aside as a “necessary evil.”. If he joins the Grey Wardens, his path involves acknowledging these grave mistakes, taking responsibility, and finding a way to live with the guilt. There is no reconciliation for his actions, his fear and trauma may explain but never excuse what he did. There is no easy way out. Loghain is stained with the blood he shed forever. He has to live with having failed, with the compounded weight of his actions and regrets, and, if he joins the Wardens, he isn't even granted the mercy of a quick and clean death, and instead is exiled from the country he poured everything he had into.

And doesn't this resonate? Does this not perfectly reflect the difficult reality of being human? How people can be fiercely protective, deeply flawed, and driven by complicated motivations, and that these qualities make them more worthy of understanding, not less? Loghain’s arc speaks to me on such a deep and personal level, especially as someone who has been battling the demons of trauma. His story is a vivid reminder that trauma doesn’t always make us better people, but exacerbates our struggles and can lead us down dark paths. i see parts of my own struggles in Loghain, i understand his pain, his fear, the choices his past self would loathe him for, and the gnawing self-hate, regret and grief.

Trauma twists our intentions like that. Instead of guiding us toward empathy and understanding, it clouds our judgment, and pushes us to make decisions we later regret, and become versions of ourselves we hate. My reality of trauma has not been this character building experience, the way it is often depicted in media, but something harrowing and life-altering, that still poisons me, even years later. But seeing a character lose all tether to himself and get lost in his demons is a tale worth telling, and an experience that still grips me, even 15 years after playing DA:O for the first time. Seeing Loghain live through rock bottom in DA:O, and then, ten years later in DA:I find purpose and whatever semblance of peace is possible in his circumstance, is something that gives me comfort. It is deeply personal, and i keep this unforgiveable and irredeemable, this grief-stricken and regret-filled man, this complicated and multifaceted character deep in my heart.

There are spoilers for datv under the cut. Major spoilers about the end of the game. If you have not played through yet, please don't be tempted to look. i thought i would be fine with spoilers, but i am not. You have been warned.

All of this is rendered moot by the ending of datv. By a throwaway line. i have been spoilered by this online, and have not reached this point in the game myself, yet, but it leaves me feeling a lot of ways, and it hits me hard. It feels like everything i found relatable in his struggle, everything that made him so human, is suddenly taken away. If his actions weren’t truly his own, and he was being puppeteered by old gods magic, then what does that mean for the weight of his choices? It feels like a betrayal of everything that made up his character, a character who has grappled with his trauma and made terrible choices, yes, but ones that were driven by his own will and conviction, always.

The complexity of his journey, the depth of his remorse, and the struggle for a new purpose, all become overshadowed by this new twist. It threatens to erase the beautiful, painful, and human truth of what it means to confront one’s demons and seek understanding in the aftermath of suffering, what it means to reassess and take accountability for your actions and do the hard, dirty, and thankless work of bettering the irredeemable, bit by bit, piece by piece, so that one day you may draw a breath and feel just a bit of that weight eased.

But no, he was just a victim all along. He has no agency, his self-actualisation is lost on him, he was never responsible for himself. It feels like one of Dragon Age's most complex characters has been flattened down into cardboard.

[myownperception83]

Also thinking about Melissa's "I was no longer one of you".

We know they are pretty tight as a group with all that has happened, both in good and bad and we also know she and Gen became close to Hannah.

So what made it so bad that she had to fake a suicide? Did she free Hannah at some point? Or defended her by going directly against Shauna's decision?

It's good that she recognized she wasn't in love with Shauna, but only infatuated by her capacity of tapping into the worst parts of her and finding it cathartic in a way.

I like how their conversation evolved into the boring vs unhinged. We see Shauna craving for danger, for something to fuck her life up. Be it Adam, trying to find out about Jeff's affair or their blackmailer.

Stealing her van back, terrorizing a man by describing how badly she wants to cut him up.

Saying Melissa won't turn up to be fucking boring, unreleased scripts saying the same about Adam. Jeff admitting he is boring and that Shauna craves for more.

She despises being boring because she was afraid that she was all ever going to be and her argument against Jackie was actually just a projection of what she felt about herself as a spot on the wall in Jackie's room. She tries to hide who she really is, but her desire for destruction is far too strong.

She hates herself, but she wants to drag everyone down with her anyway.

And, in a way it turned out to be true. Did she go to college at the end? Did she get that degree she wanted?

Even if she did, Shauna ended up as a dependent stay at home mom.

She values her intelligence immensely, but once again, she chose the safe, coward way. She married the last relic of Jackie, Jeff who actually loves her.

She has a daughter who mirrors her unborn son. Everything that happened haunts her.

Too afraid to get closer to her family, too disgusted by the normality of it all? She perks up significantly when she kills the rabbit.

The Yellowjackets doom themselves because they believe they can never atone for what they've done.

Those who try to forget end up getting consumed by it anyway. See Tai, see Van, but also Nat and Lottie who never truly forgot and reminded themselves day after day.

"We don't get to be lucky." Taissa

"We don't get to have a normal life." Shauna

Melissa does, but as soon as she knows about what happened at Lottie's compound she daydreams vivid nightmares and can't let it go. She marries the daughter of a woman they killed.

Shauna's so angry that they stopped searching them, but after months what did she really expect. Friends and family don't have the financial means to fund a whole private search party.

[inkysdelight]

It’s Ross time baby!! NSFW at the bottom as always- have fun and stay in your seats people!

Warnings- cult like behavior, ‘triditonal values’, kind of gaslighting/cohesion at the end. Reader isn’t a very good person- and will not be a good person when his first thing comes out later today.

Ross is one of the newer members of a small church (read, cult) within the mountains. He’s just an alcolyte, though he dreams one day to be one of the high priests.. serving his god in those locked rooms in the back of the compound..wearing the high priest’s robes..haah! it’s his only dream at this point!

.hes a bit colder to people, he likes children..he just wants to coo over his own babies instead of someone else’s. Though he loves taking care of the compound’s livestock, he promises it’s not weird! He just likes the outdoors! And who could say the horses and cows aren’t just a little bit adorable?! (He’s a horse girl at heart.)

.he dosnt talk to his parents anymore. They tried to strange an intervention when he first was getting inniated to the church. He misses them a bit but he loves his place in the church more than them. It’s cruel but it’s true, and besides! Everyone lives such happy lives! He envies the wives the most

..The wives are submissive to their husbands and rule the home- why wouldnt he want to get married? Have a ton of babies with his husband and rule his household! He is a little sad he can’t show off his babies to his family one day.. but The church has rules anout talking to uninitiated family- so he shouldn’t feel bad!

he’s just doing what the true god told him to! Abandoning the non-believers to their fate of hellfire and torture for all eternity, repopulating the earth with good heathy church babies and serving his community! (He still does feel bad sometimes. He wishes he could have borough his little sister to the church with him.)

.but all that stops when he meets you! One of the Prophets! You’re higher in the church then the high priests- considered to be one of the few chosen to carry out the true god’s will!

.You met him one day when he was out tending to the farm with the other acolytes. With his cute red hair and adorably short uniform that showed off his perfect thighs. How could he not catch your eye?!

It was pathetically easy to convince his superiors to assign him to your service, just the simple request- ‘assign him to one of my aids’ and he was yours. Not fully- not yet. That part would take some time. But for now..he was yours.

(There will be more once I put out the first thing of his- I don’t want to spoil EVERYTHING. This is just pretty good for the basic intro so people have background knowledge on him..)

-NSFW BEYOND, be warned.

It’s quite a while untill you’re able to get him into your bed. High priests need to be clean after all! But eventually you convince him that it’s not firstly if you sleep with one of the tire god’s chosen! Don’t be crazy! Now get in the bed.

Again, he’s a virgin. He joined the church quite young- found out about it at 16, ran away to join it at 17. He went though public school- he knows the bare minimum of what happens. Dick goes in hole, movement, groaning, and BAM. Pregnancy and baby ensue. Teach him the fun parts about sex- once he gets over himself of staying pure to become a high priest…He’s all over you 25/8.

It’s like he’s in heat- on the counter? Sure yes of course, let him close the blinds first. In your rooms? YES GOD PLEASE YES! He’s on your bed in seconds- all but ripping his uniform off and spreading his legs. On the altar? He’s a little more apprehensive about that one- but you can convince him easily. You’re one of the true god’s prophets- you obviously know best! Again- once he kinds gets over himself he’s a moaning whore on the altar for you.

He’s a fan of getting ‘bred’ by you. Fold him in half and pound him untill he want breath he BEGS. His want to become a high priest and his want to get married and have a hundred babies wars with eachother all the time. But the thought of you breeding him? It makes him want to just quit being a high priest and become a little wife to you and a mother to your children.

Also, a very huge fan of cervix stuff. He knows most people can’t really hit it but if you can- god help you becuse he will be on your dick 24/7. He sees stars every time- it’s wonderful. And even if you can’t- just tell him about how you’ll reach it and violate his most protected space. He will fold (in half) SO FUCKING FAST. Nothing makes him squirt more or harder.

(Yes I KNOW it’s painful irl. And I KNOW it can’t really happen but like- it’s my funny fictional world. Get off my dick about it.)

And yes, he is a squirter. He looks so handsome while he does it to.. face all red, eyes rolled back into his head, mouth open as he pants for air. Call him handsome or pretty while it happens- it’ll last for much longer.

[kilojulietsierra]

Jack & Sam Uni.

Robby is Jacks outward Best Friend but Emory, that’s his Sister/Secret BFF. He values Sam’s opinion above all else, but Emory is a close second.

Emory spends time on the roof too, not to jump or contemplate life, just to sit and decompress before going home.

On the roof is where Emory tells Jack she’s scared she’ll die alone and this job took so much of her life. Jack jokingly says ‘we can buy some land and all live on a compound together’. But Jack is Emory’s emergency contact, has medical power of attorney. She love her girls but Jack is her bff too.

- “It’s starting to get crowded up here”

- Walsh looks over her shoulder with a roll of her eyes. “Thought I would come see what all the fuss is about?”

- Jack nods hands in his pockets as he closes the distance in slow steady strides “I need to be worried?”

- She shakes her head. “I’m on this side of the rail aren’t I?”

- “That’s how it starts” he chuckled

- “I like the view though. Kind of soothing”

- Jack nods but doesn’t say anything. Just leans on the railing beside her.

- It’s quiet for a long time.

- “He’s getting remarried”

- Jack nods deeply. That explains it.

- “Talk to him?”

- She shook her head “his sister messaged me on Facebook. Asked if I had heard.”

- Jack didn’t really have a response so he just waited.

- “First time in years it hurts again. Fucking sucks”

- “Bet it does. You made the right choice. You know that right?”

- “Oh yeah of course. It’s not really that. I think it’s just… that he beat me too it I guess. Feels wrong, he was… how did he find someone before I did?”

- “You want a real answer or my answer?”

- “Yours”

- “He’s a douche, an abusive, manipulative piece of shit and he just put the mask on long enough to fool someone else”

- Walsh laughed “where was that attitude when I married him?”

- “If we were friends when you had met him I’d have said the same thing”

- “Oh my God! We are friends!?” Emery laughs a little less bitter this time

- Jack snorts and shoves her sideways with his shoulder. “Don’t get too excited about it”

- “You know, it sucks to be single and be friends with you two?” When jack looks sideways at her confused she continues “you and Sam are so fucking good at it and I didn’t even really realize it, maybe until Sophie came around, that it makes the rest of us… I don’t even know” she stops to laugh and watches an ambulance approaching from a few blocks away. “Just good enough isn’t good enough anymore”

- Jack is quiet. Watches the ambulance too. “Idk that we’re a model to build on”

- “You are though” she looks him in they eye “the shit you two have been through together, the way you love each other. Robby and his new girl, Yolanda and Sophie, they all look at you guys that way.”

- They’re both quiet when the phone rings in his pocket “Abbot. Have Ellis start on it. I’ll be down in a minute” he looks back to Walsh, “I guess I’m sorry we fucked up your expectations for marriage” it’s only half a joke

- “Am I too much?”

- “Some days yeah. Ow fuck. And mean”

- “Feels like all I’ve got is this job. This fucking hospital”

- “You got us” he meets her eyes. The phone rings in his pocket again and he grumbles “yeah. On my way” he shoves it back in his pocket. “For what it’s worth, I’m not worried about you. If you’re brave I can tell Sam you want her to set you up with someone.”

- “Oh Jesus please don’t”

- “Chicken. Worked for Robby”

- “Theoretically. I’ll believe it when I see it

- Jack laughed “ I have to go set an ulna fracture. You good?”

- Walsh nodded and stood up straight. “If I ask for a hug are you going to give me shit?”

- He smiled “not tonight” Jack wrapped an arm around her and squeezed her tight. “Want yo come consult on this and kill some time downstairs?”

- “Kinda”

- They walked back to the access door and Jack laughed “worst case scenario Sam an I can buy some land and we can all do the family compound thing. Just live with us forever”

- “Feels like that would turn into the wrong kind of compound real fast. Honestly knowing you I’m a little concerned you even brought it up”

- “Sam went down this TikTok rabbit hole the other night and planned a whole thing. So don’t blame me”

- “Jesus you two really are perfect for each other”

- “See there’s someone out there for everyone. You’ll be fine”

[otakubimbo]

CheckMate

The Pawn

Yukuza Sukuna x f!reader

What is going on between you and Ryomen Sukuna The King of Curses.

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masterlist

Since the chess match where you finally told Ryomen your name, it had become usual to play chess with him almost every day. You may have missed his presence on the days you didn’t see him, but you would never admit that even to yourself. The man even started walking you to the café or the library after your matches most of the time joining you for a while. And you talked and talked on and on to him about everything and anything, which was so uncharacteristically like you, more of the silent type. He was just so easy to talk to, words flowing out naturally as if the two of you had been acquainted for much longer. You had never been open to other someone before, like this besides your cousin, the family not allowing for many connections outside of themselves. But this was your little secret; unbeknownst to you, you were also his.

The more time the King of Curses spent with you, the more he realized you truly didn’t have any useful information on the Zennins but for some reason, he could not stop himself from seeing you. If anything, he thought you hated them even more than himself. The way you spoke of them as if the name itself were poison on your tongue, especially when speaking of your cousin who was fulfilling the duties of exactly what a Zennin wife should be doing. Your concern for her was the whole reason that you were in his city, the reason you were always at the Zennin estate. The passion in your voice and your conviction to keep her sane and happy was admirable to him. But at the end of the day, you were just a woman associated by proxy with the wrong people to be around. Your value to his goals of information dwindling more and more every day and yet he couldn’t stop seeing you.

This fact was brought to his full attention as he was preparing for a business trip that was going to take him away for a while. It was an important trip to obtain more legitimate businesses. He needed more revenue above ground, to keep the underground under ground. As he was preparing all the final paperwork to bring with him and any other necessities, he was visited by his most trusted right hand, Urame.

“Sir, before your departure there is something I would like to discuss.” they said, standing in the doorway of his office hands politely crossed in front of them. It wasn’t unusual for them to come speak with him if he was about to depart from the estate for an extended period of time.  Ryomen doesn’t even lift his head to acknowledge them.

“Speak”

“Well sir, it’s about the woman” They start and that immediately pulls his attention to the door. They didn’t have to say who the woman was because it could be no one other than you. “The Zennins have been more active than ever, and I am unsure if she does obtain any information on them. And I do not doubt your judgment or your choices I would never even think of that but it is a concern of mine”

“She should be none of your concern” he starts with a scowl on his face, “There may not be any information that we can get from her but her relationship with them could be useful to us. She is just a pawn to infiltrate their compound. We have no other ins with the Zennins.”

Urame took a small inhale unsure if they believed truly what the head was saying but by the tone in his voice it was best to have those thoughts kept inside. Ryomen’s temper was fickle on the best of days, they have seen him do worse things to people for less.

“Of course, sir, I should have known that there were still plans in motion. My apologies.” A low bow of apology followed the statement.

Ryomen scoffs as he finishes collecting the needed paperwork, “As the head, my decisions should never be questioned. I have built this organization up past what my father and his before him had ever accomplished. I am the reason this place stands today. I built this whole estate. Me and me alone”

It was true, they were one of the oldest still-functioning families, but they were small. The underground dealings they had were local. When Ryomen became head of the family with the death of his grandfather, that’s when they started to expand, he’s the one who put so many people in the positions that they are now. He did what the men before him couldn’t do and he did it in blood. And out of that blood grew an organization that was feared and revered. Even a whisper of the family name would send deeper shivers down the spines of most people. All thanks to Ryomen Sukuna himself.

“Of course, sir, again I apologize.”

“If that’s all you had to say, then you may leave to get my car ready. We have more important things to worry about.” His words made Urame back out of the room with their head still bowed.

Ryomen scoffed at the retreat, how dare anyone even think that they should be conceded for him about you. You were just a means to an end; a pawn being put in a position to secure his territory lines. Nothing more than that, you were nothing more than that. That’s what he kept telling himself, even as the phone in his pocket vibrated, in the back of his mind hoping that it was you. It was you wishing him a safe travel on his trip. No, the King of Curses surely didn’t pause your message. You were just a pawn to him; he had no feelings outside of that. He was not a man capable of those kinds of feelings anyway, but that didn’t stop his response telling you that of course he would be safe and how he planned to beat you in a match when he returns. And of course, the smirk that graced his lips when you replied “you wish” with a heart after it was just because it was obvious his plan was working, and you were becoming fonder of him. It was nothing more than that, nothing more than that.

The soft smile that graced your face as you walked alongside your cousin made her steps falter. She had never seen you look so happy before; she doesn’t think she’s ever seen you smile that wasn’t forced.

“Oh, the apocalypse must be happening” your cousins voice pulls you out of your phone.

“What?” You ask your face returning to its natural resting position.

“You’re smiling at your phone, genuinely smiling. An apocalypse must be coming. There can’t be any other answer.”

“Rae, I was not smiling. And you’re being dramatic. I do smile” you scoff putting your phone up.

“Well of course you smile but you don’t ever genuinely smile like you’re happy about something” she comments nudging you, trying to coax you into spilling the gossip.

“I’ve just been playing chess with someone new,” you say dismissively, not wanting to divulge into something that this wasn’t.

“So not an old man?” Rae raises a suggestive brow at you.

“Well, no. He is not.”

“Ah, you have always been the rebellious one. Now dating a man not picked by the family. How scandalous” She giggles as she takes in your irritated expression.

“We are not dating; we just play chess together” you defend giving her a playful shove

“Just chess huh? Then why does he have your phone number?? Hmmm?? I’m sure those uncles at the park don’t have your number.”

“The uncles don’t even know how to work their phones” you reply with a roll of your eyes ignoring her question. The slight blush she can see creeping up onto your face stops her from teasing you further. She doesn’t point out how you didn’t answer the question of why he has your phone number.

But you do remember the day you gave it to him. He had joined you during one of your study sessions at the café after you demolished him, in a few matches of course. By this time, you had told him that you were getting your PHD in English literature and were working on your dissertation. That day he had asked if he could join you since he had some legal work for one of his businesses to go through. He told small things about the work that he does, you didn’t know exactly what they were, but you could tell it was difficult to deal with, he always had a stressed expression on his face. With his appearance, you wouldn’t have thought he was a businessman but the way he spoke about it you could tell he was responsible for a lot of the decisions, and he took it seriously.

As the two of you sat in the café, you kept stealing glances at him as his gaze is focused on the documents in front of him. He looked more stressed than usual, there was a set to his jaw and a furrow in his brow. Your curiosity was getting the better of you.

“Is it complicated paperwork?” You ask taking a sip from your coffee mug, his head slowly rises to meet your gaze, and he looks at you confused. “The legal documents, you look stressed.”

He scoffs as he throws the papers down, “The bastards are trying to get over on me on the sale of this business. They think I’m stupid”

“Hmmn” you consider your next question before asking, “Is it a Japanese business”

“Yeah,” a scowl appeared on his face at the thought of the slimy businessmen behind this deal. He truly does hate the fact that he must maintain some legitimate businesses. It’s always been much easier to take things by force, in blood.

“Have you ever thought about working with foreigners? They’re usually so eager to open businesses here, some even desperate for the market which usually makes their selling prices low.”

A look of surprise that you didn’t expect to see cross his face for just a moment before his brows furrowed again in thought. He never even considered working with foreigners. As he thinks over your words, you’re scribbling down your phone number without a second thought.

“I’m fluent in four different languages, mandarin, German, English, and French. If you ever need a translator.” You suggest as you slide over the paper with your number on it. Your parents always had you be the translator for them with their foreign contacts. It was a skill that your mother deemed necessary, something to make you more useful, more valuable. Your mother knew how easy it was for women to be disposed of in the family.

Ryomen was taken aback by your offer, he had never had anyone besides Urame willingly volunteer to aid him. Everything he had was taken by violence or bribery but here you were offering your services for seemingly nothing in return. He picked up your number from the table, contemplating before pocketing it.

“I’ll consider it.” He states plainly with an almost irritated tone to his voice. “I have to go.”

You tilt your head in the abrupt shift in mood from him, that look making him clench his teeth as he picks up his stuff. His movements rushed as he left without even saying a proper goodbye. The interaction was truly strange to you, but you tried not to dwell on it. That night Ryomen requested Urame to find an interpreter immediately. You don’t see him for a week after that, nor did you text you. And then when he saw you again, already surrounded by the chess-playing uncles he acted as if that weird moment between the two of you never happened. He even texted you that same night, stating he’s been looking into foreign businesses to buy. A sense of pride that you’ve never really felt when it came over you. Your mother always said you had the brains for business but with the family that you were in it was unlikely that you would be able to use it. And yet, you did.

You were still lost in thought on the exchange between you and Ryomen then you didn’t even notice your cousin had stopped walking beside you. Rae clears her throat from a distance to catch your attention.

“Huh?” You spin around realizing that you just left her behind. She giggles as she skips up to come back next to you, looping your arms.

“So we are going to go to my room and you’re going to tell me all about it.” She states before she starts dragging you behind it, ignoring your pleas to just drop it.

[or0ch1maru]

hiii babes, here's yet another HidanStalker! blurb. I've been so locked in on this theme for a while. the brain worms are winning lol

18+, obsessed Hidan, possessive ideations, if i can't have you, no one can vibe, stalking, self pleasure, dark theme

-he first laid eyes on you during a mission, having raided your family home due to your father having scrolls and information vital to the Akatsuki

-seeing you tucked away under the table, your eyes wide and doe like. all glossy from fear and the constant tears streaming down your pretty face

-Hidan fell for you right then and there

-and before he left, he 'dropped' his most valued possession. his necklace

-giving you a glare before watching you pick it up, cocking his head in a way that silently commanded you to put it on, and when you did. Hidan felt satisfied enough that you'll hunt him down one day, hopefully

-but for the time being, he took matters into his own hands

-back at the compound, he couldn't help himself. his hand wrapped around his cock, stroking it to memory of your face, the way it changed from fear to slight curiosity when you picked up the silver necklace

-he imagined what you would taste like, what you smell like, the sounds you'd make when you cum

-would you struggle to take him? or would you be a good girl and take him to the hilt?

-Hidan became obsessed

-not just "what's her favorite color?" or "does she have a favorite food?"

-no, he needed to know every detail about you, even the smallest ones.

-he gave you some time before sneaking back into the village that you called home, and waited until after dark before he began his research

-sneaking into your home while everyone was fast asleep, opening and going through all personal items of yours. finding out that the reason you're still living at home is because your poor pops is sick

-wanting to be there for him until his time comes, especially after your mother died many years back, he thought it was sweet that you didn't want to leave your sweet ole dad by himself

-as sweet as he thought it was, he couldn't understand that family bond, as he lost all memories of his family. of his mother and his father, or if he had any siblings, as it's been so long

-he thought about taking care of your father, making it seem natural but he didn't like the idea of you upset or hurt, especially if you eventually found out it was him

-during Hidan's search, he found out about your father as well, keeping that information locked up if he decided to one day use him to corrupt you

-one thing about Hidan is his voice of reason. part of him, the better side of him wants to meet you normally, well, as normal as one can get after he broke into your home and terrorized you and your father, to take you out on dates, to earn back your forgiveness and trust

-while the other half, his much darker half wants nothing more than to take you away from all this, to keep you as a pet in his room. to take care of you, to feed you, to fuck you the way he knows you want and need

-to watch the way your eyes roll back as he fucks into you, to feel your nails dig into his back and arms. to be able to show off and parade his bloodied and scarred back when he leaves

-so, he came to a decision

-he'll visit you every night. watch you sleep, touch and surround himself with your scent, maybe use a pair of your panties or a shirt that you wore that day to jerk off into

-on one particular evening, Hidan watched and waited in the tree in your backyard, having found a perfect hidden spot with enough clearance for him to watch you and not be seen

-only to be surprised when he saw you speaking with another man. Hidan reasoned with himself, saying it could be an old friend or family member but then he remembers

-you don't have any other male family, not counting your two younger cousins who currently reside in the hidden rain village

-that's when it clicks, this man seems to be a possible love interest

-he watched with keen interest, twitching when he see's him touch and graze his filthy fingers across your soft skin

-and when he kisses you, Hidan knows what he must do if he was to have you all to himself...

[pearsandrust]

Hey, you know what's devastating? Jiaoqiu's first character story begins like this:

Rainsoar Lake, the Yaoqing. In the misty rain, yellow floating heart foliage and blossoms decorated the lake as frolicking fishes leaped out of the water from time to time. At this lakeside abounds with lotuses and water chestnuts, old turtles basking on the pebbles were an everyday sight.

It opens with such strong visual imagery that it's almost definitely foreshadowing, but it's not just that. The writers establish Jiaoqiu's life as beautiful and mundane in this paragraph, and Jiaoqiu himself as someone who "appreciates the small joys" of life.

The same ideology is reflected in his approach to medicine. Jiaoqiu believes that food is medicine, which might frequently be dismissed as too simplistic of an approach. But that's the way he lives -- he believes the truest things to life are not grand achievements or cutting-edge medicinal compounds, but rather the fundamental things that make us alive: food, nature, relaxation. It's a beautiful way to see the world.

The 'nine-square grid,' with its convenience and effectiveness in dispelling the cold that ails one's constitution, was specially made by me to provide succor to those on the battlefield.

Jiaoqiu's specialty was "warmth". He's a Fire character, he talks about hot pot a LOT, and his signature dish has "constitution-warming properties". But I say that his specialty was warmth because his time as a healer fundamentally changes his relationship with the matter.

We know that the Hunt's arrow brings with it a bone-chilling cold. In the context of his (and Feixiao's) story, this cold is symbolic. While warmth represents life and love and humanity and small wonders, coldness goes hand in hand with death. And for those who survive the Hunt's arrow, coldness means apathy; a life like a corpse.

The tragic thing about Jiaoqiu isn't that he becomes totally apathetic. The tragic thing is that the battlefield has fundamentally changed his relationship to "warmth". It's not that he doesn't want to return to his previous life. It's that he can't.

As oil from the chili bubbled, he picked up a herb from the cauldron to taste. When his already numbed sense of taste finally picked up on the spice, a jolt of current ran through him. He felt alive for the first time! It was a sensation that bordered on pain.

Jiaoqiu used to enjoy bland foods. His master explicitly states this in his Character Story Part IV; but now, he can't feel any of that simplistic, subtle warmth anymore. The only warmth he feels is spice. And that's an amazing metaphor for how the Aeon war has affected people in general. To stand on the battlefield and endure thousands and thousands of deaths, all for the purpose of a war that's bigger than you, bigger than your species, bigger than what you can imagine -- it puts you in this odd, detached, perspective. The only thing that really matters is life or death, win or loss -- who cares about blossoms or turtles or hot pot? What value does a life have besides the fact that it exists? In the grand code of the universe, isn't everyone just a 1 or a 0?

In essence, I think the core metaphor of Jiaoqiu's story is that warmth represents humanity, while spice represents detachment from it as a result of warfare. If there's nothing in your life except for conflict, then pain becomes the only thing that matters. Every victory has to be achieved through pain, and every achievement must be larger than the last. Jiaoqiu's taste in food becomes spicier and spicier, hurtling towards a self-destructive ending-- all for the chance of feeling alive again. Of feeling warm.

Hoyoverse actually makes a direct comparison between the concepts of "warmth" and "spice in his first and last character stories. In Jiaoqiu's first character story, he and his master have food together. Jiaoqiu makes some threadfin snapper, stating that:

We need only dip the slices in boiling water for two to three seconds.

In this story, the snapper is cooked in boiling water. Although bland, it would preserve the subtle qualities of the fish; the flavour of the meat itself, its texture, et cetera. It represents that same ideology of seeking "warmth"; of believing that the small, subtle details are what make life worth living.

His last character story is almost an exact parallel to the first, but instead of simple boiling water, it's a spicy broth. And instead of the broth gently boiling the snapper, this happens:

The elder picked up a slice of threadfin snapper, scalding it in the bubbling red broth.

It's incredible that the writers specifically chose to mention that the spicy broth scalds the fish here. It demonstrates the destructive lifestyle brought about by "spice" (and by extension, war); a lifestyle that cannot exist without destroying everything around it. The scalded fish will not retain its original flavour, its texture, or any of its other subtleties. "Spice" is not just a seasoning, but an act of destruction. Jiaoqiu eats spicy food because he has lost something, and continues to lose more of himself with every day he spends in the healer's tent.

To conclude, Jiaoqiu didn't fold under the pressure of the battlefield because he was weak, or naive, or overly emotional. It was because he was human. Likewise, the real consequence of his story isn't nihilism, but desperation; the desperation to hold onto that human part of himself as it slips away into the light of the Lux Arrow.

But honestly, I don't think he's doomed. At the end of 2.5, when Feixiao asks him how he's doing, he mentions that he can still hear the waves, and that's enough for him. It ties back to his time on the lake at the beginning of the story, enjoying the scenery, noticing the small things. It hints that there are still things he can love, things that he can hold onto without that undercurrent of pain.

I really, really hope he gets to be happy again.

[isshonihongo]

JLPT N5 - している [Part 2]

Hey everyone, welcome to Part 2 of talking about している. This N5 grammar point is very basic but also very important. Let’s get into it shall we!

But first, here is your vocabulary:

【English Helping Verbs】

As I mentioned in Part 1, the “して“ in している can stand for any verb in て form. Sometimes it is actually する, but most times it will be some other verb.

Ok great, but what is the いる part?? Take a look at the following English sentences:

① Traffic accidents often occur here.

② I am eating.

③ The window is open.

Two of these sentences have both a helping verb and a main verb. In #1, there is only a main verb, which is “occur”. In #2 the main verb is “eating” and the helping verb is “am”. In #3 the main verb is “open” and the helping verb is “is”. Notice that one of the main verbs has the -ing suffix while the other two don’t. Make a mental note of this for later. 😉

【The いる in している】

Japanese also has helping verbs. Allow me to introduce you to one of the most common ones: いる！

The いる helping verb* adds nuance to the main verb. But here’s the thing - there are different versions of いる！In the している Part 1 article, you actually saw what I call the いる of Repetition. This いる does not translate to the -ing form of our verbs in English. If you see よく起きている for example, you should think “often occur(s)”. This is similar to example #1 above.

Examples #2 and 3 are not actions of repetition. For them, we need the other いる, which I call the いる of State or Condition. This いる sometimes makes us use that -ing suffix in our English translations. So if you just see 食べている, by default it would mean “started eating and then stayed in that state for some period of time”. Instead of all that, in English we would simply say “is eating”. This is similar to example #2 above.

開く is a different type of verb than 食べる**. Because of this, the いる of State or Condition does not lead to us using the -ing form. In this case, something is open and stays in that state for some period of time. We don’t say “is opening”. Instead we just say “is open”. For verbs like 開く, their English translations won’t use that -ing form. Instead they will be like example #3 above.

The key to the している grammar point is understanding what kind of main verb you have, and then which helping verb いる you are reading/hearing!

【いる of State or Condition】

Here are some examples where the helping verb いる expresses a state or condition.

This is how you say example #3 in Japanese.

= Tom is currently in the Philippines.

Interestingly, you could also say the following:

⑥ トムはフィリピンに来ています。***

⑦ トムはフィリピンにいます。

#5, 6 and 7 all say that Tom is in the Philippines but the nuance is different in each of them!

#5 says that Tom went to the Philippines and stayed there. This means that the speaker is NOT in the Philippines. On the other hand, #6 says that Tom came to the Philippines and then stayed there, meaning that the speaker is also there. #7 simply says that Tom is in the Philippines. We don’t have any information about where the speaker is located.

= Mizuki is wearing a white skirt and hat.

#8 has several things that I want to point out: First is that the て form of a verb can mark the end of a comment. Example 8 has two comments of equal value. This is one version of a Japanese compound sentence.

The second thing is that the ending helping verb can actually apply to TWO DIFFERENT main verbs! Native speakers hear #8 and understand the verbs to be both はいています as well as かぶっています.

The last thing is that verbs connected to clothes are very interesting. When you attach the helping verb いる, they can sometimes express the state of wearing something. However, in some contexts they can instead express the action of putting something on. For the N5 level luckily you won’t have to distinguish between wearing and putting on clothing so no worries. It is good to keep this tidbit in the back of your mind for the future though.

【Conclusion】

So there you have it. Now you know that the している grammar point can express several situations. You could have:

・Repetition - there will be a word/phrase that indicates that the action happens repeatedly. The English translation won’t use the -ing form of a verb

・State or a Condition - there MAY or may not be a word/phrase indicating repetition. The main thing to focus on is whether the verb is an action verb or not. This will help you decide if you need -ing or not.

As always, keep your eyes and ears open for different kinds of examples and try to notice patterns. You can do it!

Rice & Peace,

– AL

👋🏾

*I purposely say “the helping verb いる“because there is also the regular いる verb. It’s the same with the “be”, “do” and “have” verbs in English. “Am” in “I am a teacher” plays a different role than the one in “I am eating.”

** 食べる is a transitive verb while 開く is an intransitive verb. Usually transitive verbs will translate to -ing and intransitive verbs won’t. Of course there are exceptions so keep an open mind.

*** When choosing between 来ている、行っている、and いる think about where the speaker is located as well as if you want to stress the movement of the subject.

[spaceorphan18]

The other thing I've seen going around today (not here... on other sites) is discussion on when did Colin fall in love and...

Hmmm....

There are a couple of issues I have on this subject.

The first being, why is loving someone as a friend valued less than loving someone in a romantic capacity? It's just a different type of love. And, maybe this is a me thing, but sometimes I get frustrated that friendship is deemed less than romantic love.

(I mean, I could go on a full tangent about Penelope and Eloise, and how their friendship, and their love for each other, was another love story during Season 3 -- and that relationship to Penelope is just as important to her as the one with Colin. As is, Eloise and Colin's familial relationship - which is, again, another form of love.)

anyway, Penelope, we know, had romantic feelings right from the start. but they were childlike, in a way. Colin was a boy (and a person in general) who didn't laugh at her for being awkward. This meant the world to her. It was a childhood crush, that developed and matured into an actual friendship, and developed and matured into romantic love. These are two separate things that happen but are very intertwined for Penelope.

As for Colin - he says to his brothers that his feelings aren't some thunderbolt from the sky, and that they had developed over time. There isn't one point where he was bam! in love. It was always something simmering and taking shape.

And I mean - in Season 1, there was friendly affection there -- they grew up as literal children together. She was always around. They were fixtures in each other's lives, and it probably was a familial caring for her - in the way he cares for Eloise. There there are points in which he shows that she is special to him. He recognizes that she helps him understand himself. And that there's a unique dynamic there - beyond, hey, this girl is my sister's bff.

And then comes Season 2 - and the letters are incredibly important to their development. It starts an intimacy between them that they don't have with other people. It also lets them be open and vulnerable in a way that they aren't able to in person. There's a connection there. And a valuable one at that. And Colin sees her as a friend, and someone important and special in his life. The friendship is very real, and his love for her is there. Even if it is friendship that doesn't mean it's something less than how Penelope feels for him - it's just different.

And then the thing that does separate romantic love from friendship love is sexual desire -- and Colin doesn't really recognize this until they kiss, that he is attracted to her, as well as everything else. It compounds. So, by the time they finish up that carriage ride, there are three types of love going on -- familial, friendship, and romantic love, and Colin understands this enough to be sure in knowing that she's the one for him. (He also knows he has to lock her in, because she could develop all of that with someone else - she almost did - so that's also apart of the proposal, but i digress.)

I guess my long winded point is that it's odd to talk about Colin's love for Penelope in distinct moments, when it's all a spectrum, and overlapping kinds of love. And I mean - I think there's a better conversation to be had about what love is to Colin, how does he define it?

Because I think how we love is different person to person. And letting fictional characters be complex like that is really kind of fascinating (to me).

And I guess - what draws me to Polin (over Saphne and Kanthany) is that it's a love story where the foundation is friendship, and the specialness in that, is absolutely valued first, and romantic love stems from that, instead of vice versa.

But that's just me.

[covid-safer-hotties]

Also preserved in our archive

No mention of covid or long covid, but lots of mention of "cost to taxpayers" and "learning losses." I wonder what *specific* actions should be taken besides forcing sick people to stay in the classroom? Hmmst...

By Poppy Wood

Concerns that absence crisis provoked by the pandemic continues to disrupt learning

About 14,000 teachers in England called in sick every day last year, analysis has found.

Department for Education (DfE) data show that about 2.5 million school days were lost in 2022-23 as more than 326,000 teachers missed class owing to sickness.

Each teacher who took sick leave reported an average of eight days off work last year. It equates to almost 13,700 teachers calling in sick on any given day during the 190-day school year.

About 66.2 per cent of England’s teaching workforce were off school because of illness last year, according to the DfE’s school workforce statistics.

It marks a slight decrease on the 67.5 per cent of teachers who called in sick in 2021-22, but is still far above the pre-pandemic rate of 54.1 per cent.

The figures will raise concerns that an absence crisis provoked by the pandemic continues to disrupt learning, with the number of pupils missing school also significantly higher post-Covid.

In total, 7.8 million school days have been lost to sickness since in-person teaching resumed following the pandemic, according to analysis of DfE data by the TaxPayers’ Alliance.

Compared with the 2018-19 academic year – the year before the pandemic – an extra 461,500 teaching days were lost last year because of staff illness.

Joanna Marchong, investigations campaign manager of the TaxPayers’ Alliance, said: “Taxpayers will be shocked by the sheer number of sick days taken by teaching staff.

“Alongside their generous holiday entitlements, hundreds of thousands of teachers are frequently absent, leaving classrooms in disarray and forcing taxpayers to bear the significant costs of finding covers.

“Schools must tackle this issue if they want to deliver a consistent quality of education that is value for money for taxpayers.”

‘Deteriorating mental health’ While the Government does not collect statistics centrally on the reasons for teacher absence, experts have pointed to increased stress and deteriorating mental health.

In some secondary schools, as many as 166 teachers took sick leave at some point during the 2022-23 academic year, compounding financial pressures on already stretched school budgets.

Most teachers in England receive full sick pay for 25 working days off work in their first year in the profession, rising to 100 working days in their fourth and successive years of teaching.

The Telegraph revealed last week that teacher absences are forcing schools to spend billions on supply staff each year as headteachers scramble to plug gaps in the workforce.

In 2022-23, schools gave £1.2 billion of taxpayers’ cash towards expensive teacher supply agencies to fill vacancies and cover long-term sickness. It is almost double the £738 million spent on supply teachers in the year before the pandemic.

Labour has promised to allow teachers to complete more tasks from home in an attempt to make the profession more attractive. The Government is also exploring how to use artificial intelligence to reduce staff workloads, after almost one in 10 teachers quit the profession last year.

It is hoped the measures will help tackle the recruitment and retention crisis and stem the tide of staff calling in sick each day.

Daniel Kebede, the general secretary of the National Education Union (NEU), called on the Government to improve teacher pay to prevent a growing exodus from the sector.

“We need to see a concerted effort by the Government to retain teachers in the profession. This will need changes to accountability so we have a collaborative and supportive system,” he said.

“This will also require action on closing the pay gap between teachers and other graduate professions, reducing workload and more flexible working in education”.

Mr Kebede blamed the rise in the teacher absence rate since the pandemic on “excessive teacher workload driven by a high-stakes assessment and accountability system”.

He warned this would continue to “leave many teachers burnt out, leading to stress, sickness and people leaving the profession” without urgent government action.

Labour has come under fire for bowing to pressure from education unions on above-inflation public sector pay deals and demands.

Last month, the NEU voted to accept the Government’s pay offer of a 5.5 per cent uplift for most teachers this year, but warned that it will push for a bigger hike next year.

It suggests the UK’s largest teaching union will continue to wield the threat of further strike action as it seeks long-term funding to address the retention crisis.

‘Severely absent’ pupils Bridget Phillipson, the Education Secretary, has warned of a “dire” inheritance from the previous government as she faces calls for further funding from across the sector.

Schools are also struggling with dwindling pupil attendance levels since the pandemic, with Ms Phillipson warning recently that it was quickly becoming an “absence epidemic”.

More than one in 50 pupils in England are now missing at least half the school year, official figures show.

The proportion of children classed as “severely absent” – meaning they failed to show up for 50 per cent or more of classes – rose to 2.1 per cent in the autumn and spring terms of 2023-24.

It means that about 158,000 pupils were severely absent from school during those teaching periods, according to DfE data.

The DfE was approached for comment.

[softantlers]

It’s so sad that Lottie has never been made to see the value in her own life. Her parents always treated her like she was something faulty and that a problem that needed to be solved.

Lottie let herself be volunteered by Van and Mari to that hunting competition against Natalie knowing that she has no survival skills because it’s something that would have given them hope when they needed it.

She see’s Shauna directing her anger and violence at Misty so she stood in front of Misty to block Shauna’s blows and anger.

Then she let Shauna beat her half to death because she felt that they needed Shauna in a way that they didn’t need her. Lottie felt like Shauna was essential to their survival where she herself wasn’t and felt Shauna had to put her anger and grief somewhere.

Lottie was dying and she begged them to eat her and she was so disappointed and remorseful when she found out what almost happened to Natalie and what happened to Javi instead because they didn’t listen and they wouldn’t just let her die.

She practically spends a lifetime doing what she thinks is keeping specifically Natalie safe. Her mind creates an obsessive compulsive ritual that NEEDS to be carried out every single day because she feels this is whats keeping Natalie alive. On what could have been her death bed, she hears that they almost murdered Natalie. Lottie who is feverish and fighting an infection gets up to go in front of everyone to make Nat untouchable, so there’s no way of that ever happening again. She does it again when she see’s everyone turning on Natalie.

After rescue, Lottie left the other survivors alone and didn’t contact them for decades because she knew they were better off without her and the reminder of trauma she would bring them. Well, except for Nat who Lottie is still devoted to saving because she feels that Natalie is someone worth saving.

Even years later after the other women show to her compound, to seriously trauma dump on Lottie and trigger another full blown Psychotic episode, before they reinstated the hunt, Lottie volunteers to sacrifice herself again because that would have appeased “it” and made it leave her friends alone.

That’s why Shauna should’ve kept that fucking hug she gave Lottie’s Dad. He didn’t deserve the peace. Lottie is not in the least bit curious if her family is still looking for her because shes been raised to believe that their lives are better off without her. Her Mom doesn’t get a pass either because we know that’s her Mother’s house in Jersey. The morning Lottie is set to fly across the country, she’s eating alone at breakfast. Her mother didn’t even bother to see her off.

And she was right about what rescue meant for HER. They get their daughter back who they thought was dead and they don’t appreciate her being given back to them. They don’t even make empty promises to be better- which is something I could see Van’s Mom doing , Lottie’s put her away for 15 years. They don’t offer her any support, they relegate their “problem” to a mental health facility in Switzerland for shock treatments and they leave her there alone.

She ended up being right and she was pleading with Natalie to understand that because I think pre-crash they sensed kindred spirits in each other and that’s why they’ve always seem drawn to each other. Their lives were so similar- like, the biggest difference was their parents tax brackets but from experience you can sense when someone else is hurting in almost the same ways that you are.

Lottienat are always going to be tethered even when they are supposed to be foils. I think your soulmate isn’t always the flowery version we think it is.

*Sorry for the essay, I just relate to Lottie an ungodly amount and I find the Lottienat bond to be one of the strongest in the series in the series even when Nat is completely exasperated with Lottie .*

no need to apologize good god this was so well written & incredibly thoughtful like you have killed me in the best way i fear it's over for me tbh but that is okay that's quite alright

[wanderingchronicle]

I promised @penguin--person this treatie as a bribe so here's some fucked up aroace teens. also @wilting-fl0wer content of your cringefail mentally ill boy

CW: internalised aro/acephobia, teen anguish, Decisions Are Being Made.

More OC cringefail under da cut

Miles finds her, because he always does. One minute she's huddled in what she thought was a pretty good hiding spot behind the kitchens, the next minute Miles is just there, a slightly hunched figure in a blue-grey hoodie.

He says nothing, just sits down next to her. Miles is more sociable than people realise — he only speaks when he has something to say, which is seldom, but she can sense his attention.

"Miles," she says eventually, "have you ever kissed anyone?"

There is a thoughtful pause next to her. "No, why?"

Anne bites her lip, hard. "Me neither," she says, "I mean, it's like…is it really a big deal that I've never kissed anyone? People act like I've missed out."

Miles stretches out first one leg, then the other. He used to be shorter than her, but a year ago he suddenly shot up, his face longer and more angular — thick straight brows, high cheekbones, and a deeper voice alongside broader shoulders and longer limbs. Next to him, short and pudgy and chubby-cheeked, Anne still feels like a baby.

"Is this about Besk and Malware?" Miles asks, elbowing her gently.

Anne hates Malware, which is unfair because the only thing he's ever done wrong is date her best friend. Besk wants to spend every moment she's not studying with her shiny new boyfriend, and she doesn't think of Anne at all. Malware is nice, but Anne despises him, because she and Besk have been friends for years but all Besk ever talks about is Malware, Malware, Malware.

"Yeah," Anne sighs, "I just — what's the point in having friends if I barely see them because they're all busy kissing someone? It can't be that great, can it?"

Miles huffs a laugh. "How would I know? I think if I'm missing out on anything, it can't be much."

Anne smiles, just a little. Miles has just started acting as a night lookout because of his enhancement, and for all that most people dismiss him as unfriendly, he does seem to actually like people. It's just that he doesn't like noise, or crowds, or being touched. He does value them, and want to protect them, but from a distance.

But Miles will sit with her in the creche and fold clean laundry, and he'll send her things he finds in the holoarchive he thinks she would like. Sometimes if he's in a good mood she'll find him sitting at the compound's battered piano or in a corner with a guitar, singing in a soft and raspy tenor. He's funny, or at least he makes her laugh often.

If she was in love with anyone, Miles would be a sensible option. He's a little bit like the hero of a romantic holonovel — he's smart and aloof with a well-hidden soft side, and the long hair makes him look like some sort of prince exiled to the woods. It it was anyone, it would have to be him. If she can feel this thing everyone else seems to be feeling, it would be for Miles.

Anne says the stupid thing before she can think too hard about it: "Miles, would it be okay if I kissed you?"

Miles looks startled and a little worried. "I — why?"

"I just want to know what it's like," she tells him, chewing her lip, "and I trust you. Is that — is that okay?"

For a minute, she's convinced that he's going to say what the fuck, Ante, why would you ask that, what is wrong with you, and she will have fucked it up and the one person who she thinks might get it will be gone.

Because the expression on Miles' face when people start talking about who they think is cute is the same one she stops herself making. Because Miles recoils from the idea of someone asking him out, the same way she wants to but she doesn't want to upset anyone. It's not their fault. She's the one that's wrong. But if it's her and Miles, then they're wrong together.

"Okay," he says, "just don't be weird."

Anne has no idea how she isn't already being weird. She just asked her friend if she could kiss him, because she both hopes he is broken the way she is broken, and hopes that some magic will be wrought and she won't have to be wrong anymore.

She sits up on her heels and puts her hand on his face, the same way she's seen in the movies. That part's nice, actually — Miles' face is warm, and he scrunches his nose at her in a way that makes her giggle a little helplessly.

"Ante," Miles sighs, "either do it or don't. Sheesh."

Before she can coward out, Anne leans forward and presses her lips to his, and braces herself for revelation.

Nothing earthshattering happens at all. Kissing is just…fine. It's not disgusting, but it's also it's just…not that great either. Somehow, she wasn't expecting to feel nothing. Revulsion or horror, or the sudden realisation she wants it if it's Miles. But it's just fine. Not awful, nothing special. It's maybe two, three seconds that fail utterly to change her life.

"That's what all the fuss is about?" Miles asks, frowning. Stars, but that's exactly how she feels.

Anne claps a hand over her mouth to stifle the hysterical giggles that bubble involuntarily out of her chest, and says "I know! I mean — it was just okay? I don't think I want to do it again." "Me neither," Miles grimaces, and she's never felt so relieved, "we are agreed. Kissing's not all that. Do you want to go get a hot drink and watch a holoshow?"

Of course she does. Stars, she's not alone. If she's broken, if there's something wrong with her, it's wrong with Miles too. What a relief, to know that if she can't feel it for Miles then she can't feel it at all. What a relief, to know that even if Besk doesn't want to hang out anymore that she won't be alone and that not everyone will leave her for the love of their life.

Anne won't be a stupid baby, on her own, unable to grow up. Because if Miles, with a plasrifle in his hands and the compound's safety on his shoulders, can feel the way she feels…

(But Miles is a child, too. A year and a half from now, in a hospital bed surrounded by the smell of burning meat and hair, she'll look at him and realise for the first time how breakable he truly is.)

…then she can live with her friends all vanishing in favour of a lover. She won't be on her own. It'll be her and Miles, and they'll be alone together.

[moniquestarrwrites]

The Midnight Acolyte

Summary:

A freelance sorcerer is tasked with infiltrating Geto's cult to get more information, but what they uncover leads them to not only question their values but also their loyalties.

Notes:

A/N: Like many of my stories, the main characters are fat, Black, non-binary femmes, and it’s not fully canon to Jujutsu Kaisen events. I also want to offer that this fic does explore themes and kinks around blasphemy and corruption, so if that is not your cup of tea, then that is okay! Please let me know what y’all think!CW: MDNI, Blasphemy kink, corruption kink, cults, dishonesty, strong language, alcohol and drug use, BDSM, dark themes, mind games, manipulation (I will add more as the story progresses)

WC: 2.6k

Chapter One: Love to the Strong

"A wise man scales the city of the mighty and casts down the strength of the confidence thereof." - Proverbs 21:22

A cool breeze careens through fallen foliage and brushes through short, tight coils, and onto my scalp. The facade of the tall building casts a large shadow in the presence of the incoming sunlight as the star’s ascent kisses the horizon goodbye, tainting the dawn sky in a mosaic of purples, oranges, and greys.

I clutch the handle of my suitcase tightly as I stare blankly at the endless steps before me, my mind overwhelmed with information. 

A throat clears, and I reconnect with reality, causing me to look up and meet eyes with a balding, mature man. With a face full of liver spots, and a small smile, he peers at me through his spectacles with beady, black eyes.

“Mx. Hatanaka?” he says softly yet flatly. I nod in response. “Welcome. I am here to give you a tour of the grounds and show you to your living quarters.” 

He pivots to climb the stairs, and my body follows naturally. With every step forward my thoughts flash to mantras of my purpose.

Remember your mission, Cheyenne.

Don’t get caught up. 

Maintain your mental fortitude.

With a final step, the man knocks on the door three times, and the large planks of solid mahogany open, coaxing me inside with the faint scent of jasmine incense. We enter the foyer and two acolytes close the doors behind us, concealing us from one world and opening us up to another. The man makes a right and we walk down a long corridor while rhythmic chanting reverberates off the walls, serving as the soundtrack for our journey.

“What we are walking through is a 150-year-old compound that served as the secret, countryside estate of a former emperor,” the man beams proudly as we walk down the hallway. “He was a pious man who valued a place where he could escape the weight of his responsibilities and prove his devotion in peace.” I hum with curiosity as I look around at the walls, covered in faded religious paintings and artifacts.

“Interesting. So is that why he- I mean, our leader, chose this place to house us?” I ask. The man chuckles, seemingly pleased with my inquiry.

“One could say that The Master has an affinity for the divine, so it is only right that he exists in a space that is worthy of his excellence.” 

After what seems like an eternity, he slides open the door to reveal a series of hallways arranged in a square. An open-air courtyard sits in the center, containing well-manicured rose bushes. A figure is facing the opposite direction and squatting down while pruning some flowers, long, black hair cascading down a strong back, clothed in a white night robe. A somber bell chimes, signaling the start of the day. My guide stops, turns to me, and then lifts a withered finger to his lips. 

“This is Master Geto’s garden that he tends to every morning,” he whispers. “We are not to disturb him during this time, so it is best that we remain quiet until we have left this area.” The man, his voice flat and deliberate. My eyes flash between the guide, Geto’s back, then back to the guide.

“But I will be meeting him… right?” I asked in a hushed voice full of feigned eagerness. The man stares at me coldly.

“We are not to disturb him during this time. Rest assured you will meet him when He calls on you.”

The dance of slight fear, frustration, and formality swirls on the man’s tongue and leaps into my ears as a gentle warning. 

I keep my lips sealed, and we continue walking, yet my eyes remain transfixed on The Master’s back. We pad around the square until we are almost face to face, and at that moment, Geto retracts his hand from the bush and rises to his feet, holding his thumb up to the light to reveal a stuck thorn. With an unreadable face, he pulls the thorn out and brings the edge of the bleeding wound to his lips. Our eyes meet and he slowly wraps his lips around the tip of his tongue, revealing his full face to me in the morning light. 

Geto is as gorgeous as the day is new. His hair perfectly frames his soft and handsome face, giving way to captivating violet eyes. The angelic scene captures my breath and holds it as if time itself stopped to grace me with his presence. 

His excellence.

There is something playfully alluring and coy about his gaze as the air shifts to accommodate his essence, stirring something in me. I feel myself already getting sucked in, but my mind flashes to Kento’s pursed lips and cautionary tale.

“Suguru has a charisma that can end a nation. Tread lightly.”

The guide taps me on the shoulder and whisks me away from the courtyard, and as we exit Geto audibly chuckles. His face. His eyes. His lips. The image imprints on my mind, and I beat back any arising thoughts. 

Mental. Fortitude. 

To my benefit, the man continues to drone on about the history of the compound, a perfect distraction as he leads me through a kitchen, a mess hall, and finally, to the living quarters.

He takes out an iron key from his hakama and raps his knuckles on the door before opening it. He opens the door to reveal a room with three beds- one topped with scattered papers, trinkets, and clothing, another with a neat stack of uniforms, and the last, which is mine presumably, is a perfectly made bed just waiting to be claimed. I look around the room with slight confusion and cling to my suitcase even tighter.

“Not to sound rude. I am so grateful, truly. However, before my arrival, I had put in a request for a single-occupancy space due to personal reasons. Are there no vacancies?” I ask with concern, being mindful of my words.

The guide stops in front of the freshly snuffed fireplace and looks directly at me. A chill comes over his countenance, but it is quickly replaced by a slight (yet disingenuous) reassuring smile. 

“After considering your request, The Master has said it would be best for you to have roommates to help get you acclimated to your first moments here. Once we see that you have properly settled in, we will ask him to revisit your request.”

“Understood. My apologies.”

A silence. I nod and remove my shoes, placing my sock-clad feet onto the cool wooden planks of the floor.

Fuck. I have to think of another plan. 

I place my belongings beside my bed and exchange a final look at the guide.

“If you need anything please let us know, Mx. Hatanaka. We look forward to having you.”

We bow at each other and the man exits the room, leaving me alone with my thoughts.

I spent most of the day exploring accessible parts of the compound, looking around for any private nook and cranny that I could borrow for a moment. My private dwelling plans being foiled, I realize I need to find a secure place to report back to my superiors. 

Despite not finding said place, I did enjoy taking the moment to indulge in the beauty of the compound, eating delicious foods, sitting on the grass by a koi pond, and meditating in one of the many tatami rooms with some other followers who were cautious yet quite friendly. 

I return to my room in the evening, and to my surprise, my roommates have yet to return. 

I wonder where they could be.

I lay back on my bed, staring at the ceiling until the monotony lulls me to sleep.

***

I awaken to the sound of a loud knocking on the door.  I squint at the clock on the wall. 

10 pm? Fuck. I’ve been asleep that long?

I stretch and shuffle over to the door, revealing a beautiful, shapely woman with ash-brown hair dressed in a plum, ribbed dress. She types furiously on her phone and then looks up at me.

“Suguru would like to see you,” she drones. “Alone.” 

I look at the clock and then back to her.

“At this hour? Surely this can-”

“He wants to see you now,” she presses firmly. I hustle to put on my sandals and follow the woman to a corridor cached behind a bookcase.

We do not exchange words during our trek. The only sounds between us are her texting and our footsteps.

At the end of the hallway is a translucent sliding, screen door, dimly illuminated by flickering candles. She slides the door open and motions for me to go inside, and I obey without faltering, walking into a room with a low table, a bowl full of a variety of apples, two cups, a decanter of sake,  and a plate with a small knife. I kneel at one end of the table in front of another door and huff, tapping my long, black acrylics against my pants legs. The woman closes the door and stands near it, her phone attached to her like gum on cement. 

Minutes pass, and the sliding door slams open, revealing Master Geto in all of his glory. He closes the door and idles for a moment, allowing me to bask in his grand entrance. He looked ethereal and commanding in the candlelight– half of his hair put up into a neat top bun, leaving a few strands in the front as a bang, the rest of his raven tresses to grace the back of his gojogesa. A smile stretches across his face as he removes his sandals and strolls toward the part of the table closest to him. He kneels and places his smooth palms on his lap, his smile never leaving his face.

“Suda,” he coos. “Leave us, please.” She wordlessly exits, leaving me alone with Him in the room. In the lion’s den.

Now in his presence, I notice a subtle shift in the air– an increase in the output of cursed energy.

He reaches over to the bowl and grabs a fuji apple, suspending it in his hand over the plate. He looks at me through low eyelids and picks up the knife with his other, shifting his focus to peel the fruit as he settles in.

We sit in silence as he peels the flesh from the apple, the knife gliding seamlessly through it. Each time it gets dangerously close to his thumb, but his movements are fluid enough that the blade never meets his skin.

“I trust that you’re finding your accommodations well?” he inquires, the words flowing from his mouth like cool water on a hot day. I nod and move to return his seemingly innocuous question with a harmless response. 

“All is well, Master Geto. I have not met my roommates yet, but I hope and am sure that they will help me get adjusted. Do you know where they are?”

He slightly quickens the pace of his peeling, letting out a little more cursed energy.

“Shuu and Amaka are out on a little relaxation trip at the onsen. A rare treat reserved for the best and most obedient. But a treat nonetheless.” he replies, angling the knife in my direction to peel off the last bits of its skin. I sigh and shift with slight discomfort as I begin to feel a bit of pressure from his cursed energy and gestures.

“Do you know when they will be returning?” He sharply removes the final piece of skin.

“They will return when they will,” he replies flatly. I fold my bottom lip into my mouth and chew on it slightly. The corners of his mouth curl into a slight smirk. 

He’s up to something.

“Do you think that trust is earned or willfully given, Mx. Hatakana?” his eyes widen, seemingly searching for insecurity in mine. Though his question slightly disarms me, I straighten my back and prepare for the mental gymnastics.

Tread lightly.

“Quite the question, but doesn’t that depend on who’s posing it?” I reply, my ebony eyes locking with his. He chuckles and takes a bite of his apple.

“Quite the answer, but I recall asking you a question first. Where do you stand, Mx. Hatakana?”

“Cheyenne is fine,” I offer firmly. He scoffs under his breath.

“The former will do for now. Your answer, Mx. Hatakana?” he presses a bit more, energetically and tonally, eyeing me like a fox slowly cornering a hare.

What is he thinking?

“Like any other core tenet of connection and community, Master Geto, I think that there is no concrete answer to when and when not to trust and that it’s on a case-by-case basis,” I reply, “There are times when I make a decision to trust someone based on the information available to me, other times I trust my intuition, but most of the time I find that I often rely on a mixture of both.”

My response ignites something in him.

“My such a riveting conversation has whet my thirst. Would you care for a drink?” he muses with an air of mischief that is damn near sinister. I nod and watch as he reaches for the sake decanter and cups. He opens the bottle and starts to pour, and I can't help but observe how delicately his black-painted fingers are wrapped around it. Once he’s done, he closes the decanter and puts the cups in the center of the table– one closer to me, and the other to him. 

Something’s amiss.

“Is there a catch?” I ask with a raised brow. His smirk widens.

“Your perception is keen, I’m impressed,” he says. “There’s a catch to everything in life–my hospitality is no different. I offer you a minor test of wills. You see, Mx. Hatakana, these cups of sake may seem harmless, but that is only half true. One of these cups spares your life while the other ends it.”

Poison.

“The goal is to choose the untainted cup. I will give you some time to deliberate on your decision.”

He places his elbow on the table and rests his chin on his palm, humming to himself as my eyes falter between the two cups. His stare is composed, yet deep down there is a twinge of amusement and intrigue. 

I stretch out the fingers of my left hand beneath the table and try my hardest to keep my own cursed energy at bay. 

In my mind's eye, my energy maps and connects to various items in the room. The lines connected to the cups and decanter are unbroken and calm. 

He lied. These cups have not been tampered with. 

Knowing this,I close my hand and look at him, reaching over and taking the cup closest to him. A slight face of disbelief graces his cheeks before adjusting himself. I drink from the cup with conviction and watch as he smiles and hums with approval. 

“Although I am not sure how you came to your conclusion, I admire your resolve. I suppose that is enough for today.” he beams. “Suda,” she reemerges, “show them back to their quarters.” I rise from my place and head toward the door, watching as he stands. Before exiting he turns his head to gaze upon me one last time. 

“I look forward to meeting with you again soon, Cheyenne.”

And with that, the door slams shut and the candles are extinguished, leaving me bewildered as I return down the hallway to quiet uncertainty.