#Workday Payroll Course

[multisoftsystem]

Workday Payroll Training: A Comprehensive Guide by Multisoft Systems

Workday Payroll is a cloud-based solution that helps businesses manage their payroll functions, including employee compensation, benefits, taxes, and deductions. The system integrates seamlessly with other Workday modules such as Workday Human Capital Management (HCM), Workday Financial Management, and Workday Time Tracking. This unified approach makes Workday a one-stop solution for managing the entire HR and payroll lifecycle, from recruitment to retirement.

With its user-friendly interface and advanced features, Workday Payroll helps businesses automate payroll processing, ensuring accuracy and compliance with local regulations. By providing real-time payroll data, organizations can make informed decisions about compensation, benefits, and tax deductions, thereby improving their overall operational efficiency.

Why Choose Workday Payroll?

Ease of Use: Workday Payroll is known for its intuitive user interface, which makes it easy for HR professionals and payroll administrators to navigate through the system without extensive technical knowledge. Its straightforward design ensures quick adoption and reduces the learning curve.

Integration with Workday HCM: Workday Payroll seamlessly integrates with other Workday modules, such as Workday HCM, Time Tracking, and Financial Management. This integration ensures that payroll data is synchronized with other HR functions, eliminating the need for manual data entry and reducing the risk of errors.

Automated Payroll Processing: Workday Payroll automates payroll calculations, including tax deductions, benefits, and overtime. This automation reduces the time spent on manual payroll tasks and increases the accuracy of payroll processing.

Compliance and Security: Workday Payroll helps organizations stay compliant with local, state, and federal tax regulations. The system is regularly updated to accommodate changes in tax laws and regulations, ensuring that businesses avoid costly penalties. Furthermore, Workday offers robust security features, protecting sensitive payroll data from unauthorized access.

Global Payroll Support: Workday Payroll is designed to handle payroll processing for businesses with a global workforce. It supports multiple currencies, languages, and tax rules, allowing organizations to manage payroll operations for employees in different countries.

Reporting and Analytics: The system offers powerful reporting and analytics capabilities, allowing HR and payroll professionals to generate insights into payroll data. With customizable reports, businesses can track payroll expenses, monitor compensation trends, and ensure compliance with tax regulations.

Workday Payroll Training by Multisoft Systems

Multisoft Systems, a leading provider of online certification training, offers an in-depth Workday Payroll Training course that equips professionals with the skills and knowledge needed to use Workday Payroll effectively. Whether you are an HR professional, payroll administrator, or Workday consultant, this course is designed to help you gain a comprehensive understanding of Workday Payroll functionalities.

Key Benefits of Workday Payroll Training

Comprehensive Course Content: The Workday Payroll training course covers a wide range of topics, including payroll setup, employee compensation, tax calculations, deductions, benefits administration, and reporting. The course is designed to ensure that participants gain a well-rounded understanding of how to use Workday Payroll to its full potential.

Hands-on Learning: The training course includes practical exercises and real-time scenarios, allowing participants to apply their learning in a controlled environment. This hands-on approach helps learners gain a deeper understanding of Workday Payroll and its functionalities.

Expert Instructors: The Workday Payroll training course at Multisoft Systems is taught by certified Workday professionals with years of experience in the HR and payroll domain. These instructors provide valuable insights into best practices, tips, and strategies for maximizing the effectiveness of Workday Payroll.

Industry-Relevant Skills: The course is designed to help participants acquire skills that are directly applicable to real-world payroll operations. By learning how to manage payroll tasks using Workday Payroll, participants can enhance their job performance and increase their chances of career advancement in the HR and payroll sectors.

Flexible Learning Options: Multisoft Systems offers flexible learning options, including instructor-led live sessions, self-paced learning, and blended learning formats. This flexibility allows participants to choose the learning method that best fits their schedule and learning style.

Global Recognition: Upon successful completion of the Workday Payroll training course, participants receive a certification that is globally recognized. This certification demonstrates the learner's proficiency in using Workday Payroll and can enhance their career prospects in HR and payroll management.

Updated Course Materials: The course content is regularly updated to reflect the latest features and functionalities of Workday Payroll. This ensures that participants are learning the most up-to-date information and are prepared for changes in the payroll landscape.

Course Modules

The Workday Payroll training course is divided into multiple modules that cover various aspects of payroll management using Workday. Some of the key modules include:

Introduction to Workday Payroll:

Overview of Workday Payroll

Key features and benefits of Workday Payroll

Integration with Workday HCM and other modules

Payroll Setup and Configuration:

Configuring payroll elements such as pay components, deductions, and benefits

Setting up pay groups, payroll calendars, and work schedules

Managing payroll security roles and permissions

Employee Compensation and Benefits:

Defining compensation packages and pay rates

Administering employee benefits and deductions

Handling bonuses, commissions, and incentives

Payroll Processing:

Running payroll calculations and verifying payroll data

Managing off-cycle payroll runs and corrections

Calculating tax deductions and withholdings

Compliance and Reporting:

Ensuring compliance with local, state, and federal tax laws

Generating payroll reports and analytics

Understanding payroll tax forms and filings

Troubleshooting and Support:

Identifying and resolving payroll issues

Using Workday Payroll support tools and resources

Best practices for maintaining payroll accuracy

Workday Payroll Online Certification

After completing the Workday Payroll training course, participants can obtain an online certification from Multisoft Systems. This certification serves as a testament to the participant’s expertise in using Workday Payroll to manage payroll processes effectively. With this certification, individuals can demonstrate their ability to handle payroll tasks with precision and compliance, making them more competitive in the job market.

Why Choose Multisoft Systems for Workday Payroll Training?

Multisoft Systems stands out as a trusted training provider for Workday Payroll and other professional certifications. The key reasons to choose Multisoft for your Workday Payroll training include:

Expert Faculty: Our instructors are certified professionals with years of industry experience.

Interactive Learning: Gain practical experience through hands-on training.

Comprehensive Support: Access to 24/7 support to clarify doubts and ensure smooth learning.

Post-Training Assistance: We provide career guidance and job placement assistance to help you secure the right opportunity.

Conclusion

Workday Payroll Training by Multisoft Systems offers a unique opportunity for HR and payroll professionals to acquire the skills needed to manage payroll operations using Workday’s advanced features. With comprehensive training content, hands-on experience, expert instructors, and global certification, this course ensures that participants are well-equipped to take on payroll challenges and drive success in their organizations. Whether you are looking to enhance your payroll skills or launch a career in HR management, the Workday Payroll Training course by Multisoft Systems is an investment in your professional growth and success.

[erpcloudtraining]

The key advantages of enrolling in ERP Cloud Training’s Workday HCM programs. It explains that the courses are developer-friendly, requiring minimal programming experience, and easy to learn with no prerequisites needed for certification. The infographic also outlines the major topics covered: Payroll, HR, Analytics, and System Administration.

[softwaretipstop]

Top Features in Human Resource Software

In the fast-paced digital workplace, Human Resource Software is becoming more than just a convenience—it's a necessity. Whether you manage a startup or a multinational corporation, the right HR software can streamline workflows, improve employee development, and protect sensitive data. But beyond the buzzwords, what concrete benefits does this software deliver? Specifically, does human resource software help track employee training and certifications? What is the ROI of implementing an HR software system? And how secure is employee data stored in cloud-based HR software?

Let’s break down these key questions and explore how Human Resource Software is revolutionizing modern workforce management.

1. How Human Resource Software Tracks Employee Training and Certifications

One of the major challenges HR teams face is maintaining compliance and ensuring that employees stay up-to-date with required certifications. Fortunately, human resource software tools are built to solve exactly that.

Modern HR software solutions come equipped with learning management modules that:

Track employee progress through training programs

Send automated reminders for recertification

Store proof of completed courses and certifications

Generate real-time reports for audits and compliance reviews

For instance, in regulated industries like healthcare and finance, tracking certifications isn't optional—it’s a legal requirement. Human resource software India solutions such as Zoho People and Keka offer specific features tailored to industries operating under strict compliance regulations. These systems allow HR managers to automate the monitoring of expiry dates, assign training paths based on job roles, and maintain digital records.

Small businesses can benefit from human resource software for small business options like BambooHR and OrangeHRM, which include simple, easy-to-navigate training tracking features. For budget-conscious startups, there are also best free human resource software for small business that offer basic training tracking functionalities at zero cost.

2. The ROI of Implementing Human Resource Software

One of the most common executive-level concerns is the return on investment (ROI) when adopting new technology. The good news is that HRMS software delivers measurable ROI across several dimensions:

Time and Cost Savings

Automating repetitive tasks like onboarding, payroll, attendance tracking, and performance reviews dramatically reduces administrative workload. In fact, studies show that HR departments using best human resource software solutions spend 30-40% less time on manual paperwork.

Improved Compliance and Risk Management

Failure to manage employee records or training schedules can lead to legal penalties. By using human resource software examples like Workday or SAP SuccessFactors, organizations can automate compliance checks and mitigate risks—ultimately avoiding costly mistakes.

Enhanced Employee Productivity

With self-service portals, employees can manage their own profiles, submit time-off requests, and complete learning modules, allowing HR teams to focus on strategy rather than admin tasks. This autonomy boosts morale and engagement.

Data-Driven Decisions

Advanced human resource software tools provide dashboards and reports that allow HR leaders to identify trends in hiring, retention, and employee satisfaction. These insights drive strategic workforce planning that aligns with business goals.

Bottom Line Impact

A well-implemented HR software system can reduce HR-related costs by up to 25% annually, especially when integrated with payroll and performance systems.

3. How Secure Is Employee Data in Cloud-Based HR Software?

Security is a top concern for any organization storing sensitive employee information. Cloud-based human resource software providers understand this and invest heavily in infrastructure to keep data safe.

Here’s how they ensure top-tier data protection:

Encryption Standards

Cloud-based systems use AES-256 encryption for both data in transit and at rest. This is the same level of encryption used by banks and government organizations.

Access Control and Role-Based Permissions

Only authorized personnel can access sensitive information. Most HRMS software offers customizable access levels, ensuring employees can only view what they need.

Regular Security Audits

Reputable vendors undergo frequent third-party audits, penetration testing, and certifications like ISO 27001, SOC 2, and GDPR compliance.

Data Backup and Disaster Recovery

Daily backups and geographic redundancy ensure that data is recoverable even in the event of a system failure or cyberattack.

Two-Factor Authentication (2FA)

Many platforms now require 2FA for login, which provides an extra layer of protection against unauthorized access.

So, when you use a trusted HR software vendor—especially those ranked among the best human resource software providers—you can rest assured your data is as safe as it would be in a physical vault.

Easy to get FREE human resource software! Haiwaitips.com offer：online accounting software and billing software for small business.

[payrolloutsorcingservices]

Why HR Training Courses in Pune Are the Smartest Career Move in 2025

If you're trying to break into the HR field—or level up your current role—2025 is offering more opportunities than ever. But here's the catch: employers aren't just looking for degrees anymore. They're hiring people who have hands-on skills, real-world understanding, and the ability to hit the ground running from day one.

That’s exactly where HR training courses in Pune come in. Especially the ones built around industry-oriented training and backed by placement assistance. So, let’s break down what makes this shift important and where you should be looking if you want results—not just a certificate.

The Gap Between Theory and Practice Is Real

Colleges may teach you the “what,” but businesses are looking for the “how.” HR today is more than handling resumes and onboarding. It involves:

Employee engagement strategies

HR analytics and compliance

Payroll management

HR tech tools like SAP and Workday

Strategic business partnering

Unfortunately, traditional education hasn’t kept pace. That’s why serious learners and job seekers are turning to HR coaching classes that actually bridge this gap.

Why Pune Is Becoming the Go-To Hub for HR Short Term Courses

Pune isn’t just an academic city—it’s a fast-growing HR and IT hiring center. With hundreds of corporates and startups based here, the demand for trained HR professionals has spiked. If you're local (or even if you're not), Pune gives you access to:

Live project-based HR training

Corporate-level faculty

Networking with industry insiders

Interview prep and placement support

And when we talk about HR short term courses in Pune, we’re referring to programs that are sharp, specific, and skill-focused—most wrapping up within 2-3 months.

What to Look for in an HR Course in 2025

Not all HR courses are equal. Look for ones that are tailored to the current industry landscape. The best HR training courses in Pune today offer:

✅ Practical training on core HR functions ✅ Case studies and real-time assignments ✅ Training on HRMS tools and labor laws ✅ Resume building and mock interviews ✅ 100% placement assistance from recruiters tied to the program

One standout in this space? HR Remedy India.

They’re not just offering courses—they’re helping you build a career. Their programs are designed for freshers, career switchers, and working professionals who want to upskill and land real jobs in core HR domains. From HR generalist profiles to payroll and analytics, their curriculum is sharp, practical, and constantly updated.

Why Placement Assistance Isn’t Just a Bonus—It’s a Must

Let’s be real. You don’t want just training. You want a job. And in 2025, when competition is fierce and AI is reshaping hiring, you need someone in your corner who can connect you to companies hiring right now.

That’s why HR coaching classes with real placement support matter. The best courses (like those at HR Remedy India) will not only train you, but also help you:

Polish your LinkedIn and resume

Prepare for technical and behavioral interviews

Get direct referrals to HR openings in top companies

Final Thoughts

If you’re serious about building a successful HR career in India, you need more than just a degree. You need skills, confidence, and access to the right networks. And the smartest way to get all three?

Invest in HR training courses in Pune that are industry-aligned, hands-on, and placement-focused. Whether you're a fresher trying to get your foot in the door or a working professional trying to shift gears, the right training will put you years ahead.

Explore HR short term courses in Pune that deliver real value—not fluff. And if you want trusted guidance? Start with HR Remedy India—a leading name in HR coaching classes with a proven track record of transforming careers.

Call Us At-+91 9921004643

Visit At- https://www.hrremedyindia.com/

[singhanurag1]

Boost Your Career with Workday HCM Online Training

Workday HCM Online Training offers professionals a flexible way to master human capital management. This comprehensive course covers core modules, including HR, payroll, and talent management. Ideal for HR specialists and IT professionals, the training enhances job prospects and efficiency in Workday implementations. Learn anytime, anywhere to elevate your career.

[savvyhrms01]

The Future of Safe and Effective Workforce Management with Biometric Attendance System

Organisations are using smarter tools to streamline their operations in the modern digital world, where security and efficiency are top business priorities. Biometric attendance software is one such invention that has been gaining popularity quickly. This technology completely changes the way that workforce management is done, not just how workers clock in and out.

Comprehending Biometric Attendance Software

Utilising distinct biological traits like fingerprints, facial recognition, iris scans, or even speech patterns, biometric attendance software determines and logs an employee's start and end times for the workday. Biometric systems guarantee accurate and impenetrable attendance data, in contrast to conventional systems that depend on ID cards, passwords, or manual sign-ins.

The Reasons Biometrics Are a Step Forward

"Buddy punching," or when one employee clocks in for another, is one of the most difficult time-tracking problems. Businesses may lose thousands of dollars a year as a result of this type of time theft. It is practically impossible to cheat the system when biometric verification is used because only the person whose information is stored in the system can check in.

Here are a few key benefits:

Accuracy and Reliability: The system ensures a high degree of accuracy in attendance tracking because biometric information is specific to each individual.

Enhanced Security: Biometric systems guard against fraud and illegal access by identifying users based on their physical characteristics.

Time-saving Automation: By removing the need for manual inputs and minimising human error, these systems automatically capture and store data in real-time.

Smooth Integration: Internal workflows can be made simpler by integrating the majority of biometric software with current HR, payroll, and ERP systems.

Applications in the Real World Across Sectors

Corporate offices are not the only places that use biometric attendance systems. They are extensively utilised in many different industries:

Manufacturing Facilities: To monitor shift schedules and manage unwanted access to restricted areas.

Healthcare: To guarantee that physicians and nurses adhere to rigorous timetables, particularly during crucial hours.

Educational Institutions: To maintain a more orderly atmosphere by tracking staff and student attendance.

Retail and hospitality: These industries require accurate time tracking due to high employee turnover and variable shifts.

Considerations for Privacy and Compliance

Privacy concerns are normal for any technology that uses personal information. Reputable biometric systems frequently comply with international laws such as GDPR and adhere to stringent data protection standards. Employers and employees can rest easy knowing that most software providers encrypt biometric data and make sure it is stored securely.

Is the Investment Worth It?

Even though installing a biometric attendance system requires initial software and hardware purchases, the time and money savings over time make the investment worthwhile. Businesses swiftly recover the initial costs by reducing payroll errors, automating reporting, and eradicating fraud.

Gazing Ahead

Biometric attendance systems are evolving along with workplaces, which are adopting remote work, hybrid schedules, and flexible shifts. These systems are now more widely available and scalable than before thanks to cloud storage, contactless scanning, and mobile-based facial recognition.

Concluding remarks

There is more to a biometric attendance system than just a sophisticated clock-in system. It provides efficiency, transparency, and dependability, making it an essential part of contemporary workforce management. Making the switch to biometrics may be the best course of action for businesses hoping to increase productivity and get rid of time-related inconsistencies.

[zonalech90909090]

Online and offline HR course in Bangalore for freshers

Human Resources (HR) is an essential function in every organization, responsible for managing employees, policies, and company culture. As businesses expand, the demand for skilled HR professionals increases. If you are a fresher looking to kickstart your career in HR, enrolling in an HR course is a great choice.

Importance of HR Courses

HR professionals play a crucial role in talent acquisition, employee engagement, training, payroll management, and compliance. A structured HR course provides theoretical knowledge and practical experience, making you job-ready. At Zonal Tech Solution, Bangalore, our HR courses help freshers understand industry practices, laws, and technological tools used in HR functions.

Types of HR Courses Available

1. General HR Certification Courses

These courses cover all essential HR functions, including recruitment, performance management, employee relations, and labor laws. Freshers can gain a solid foundation and develop a deep understanding of the HR domain.

2. HR Payroll Training

Payroll management is a critical HR function. Courses focused on HR payroll cover salary processing, tax deductions, compliance, and employee benefits administration. Zonal Tech Solution provides hands-on payroll training using real-time case studies.

3. HR Recruitment and Talent Acquisition Training

Recruitment is one of the primary responsibilities of HR professionals. This course focuses on sourcing candidates, conducting interviews, and understanding hiring strategies. Our recruitment training at Zonal Tech Solution enhances hiring skills through live projects.

4. Labor Law and Compliance Courses

Every HR professional must be aware of labor laws and corporate compliance policies. Courses in this domain cover employment laws, industrial relations, workplace ethics, and legal frameworks governing businesses.

5. HR Analytics Training

With HR processes becoming more data-driven, HR analytics training teaches how to use HR software, analyze workforce trends, and make data-backed decisions. Zonal Tech Solution offers an in-depth HR analytics course tailored for freshers.

6. Performance Management and Appraisal Courses

Understanding employee performance evaluation, goal setting, and feedback mechanisms is crucial for HR professionals. This course helps freshers develop skills to manage employee appraisals effectively.

7. HR Software Training

HR functions are streamlined using various software like SAP HR, Workday, and Oracle HRMS. This course helps freshers learn how to use HR software tools to manage employee data and improve HR operations.

Online HR Courses at Zonal Tech Solution

For those who prefer learning from the comfort of their home, Zonal Tech Solution offers flexible online HR courses. Our online courses include:

Live instructor-led sessions

Recorded lectures for future reference

Case studies and practical assignments

One-on-one mentorship

Placement assistance

Online courses are ideal for individuals who have time constraints but still want to pursue HR training.

Offline HR Courses at Zonal Tech Solution

For freshers who prefer classroom learning, our offline HR courses offer interactive sessions with industry experts. The benefits of offline training include:

Hands-on practical experience

Live interaction with trainers

Networking opportunities

Real-world case studies and group discussions

Our offline training programs in Bangalore are designed to provide immersive learning experiences that enhance career prospects.

Why Choose Zonal Tech Solution for HR Training?

At Zonal Tech Solution, Bangalore, we aim to bridge the gap between theoretical learning and practical implementation. Here’s why our HR courses stand out:

Expert trainers with industry experience

Comprehensive curriculum covering all HR aspects

Placement assistance with top companies

Affordable fees with flexible payment options

Hands-on training with real-world HR scenarios

Career Opportunities After Completing HR Courses

Freshers who complete HR training from Zonal Tech Solution can explore various career opportunities, such as:

HR Generalist

Talent Acquisition Specialist

Payroll Executive

HR Analyst

Employee Relations Officer

Compliance Manager

Companies in Bangalore and across India seek well-trained HR professionals, and our courses prepare you for these roles.

Testimonials from Our Students

Many freshers have successfully launched their HR careers with Zonal Tech Solution. Here’s what some of them have to say:

“Zonal Tech Solution provided me with a strong foundation in HR. The practical training sessions helped me secure a job within weeks of completing the course.” — Ananya R.

“The recruitment training program was insightful and practical. I now confidently conduct interviews and select the right candidates.” — Rahul K.

“HR analytics training at Zonal Tech Solution gave me an edge in the job market. The course was well-structured and highly informative.” — Sneha M.

Conclusion

Whether you are looking for online or offline HR training, Zonal Tech Solution, Bangalore, has the right course for you. Our structured training programs ensure that freshers gain the knowledge, skills, and practical experience needed to excel in the HR field.

Start your HR career today with Zonal Tech Solution and unlock a world of opportunities in human resources. Contact us now to enroll in our HR courses and take the first step toward a successful career!

[erpcloudtraining]

Discover the world of Workday with this comprehensive Workday free training course offered by ERP Cloud Training. Whether you're new to Workday or exploring a career in Human Capital Management (HCM), Finance, or Payroll, this course provides a solid foundation. You'll gain insight into Workday’s core functionalities, user interface, navigation tips, and real-world use cases — all delivered by certified Workday experts. The training is designed to be beginner-friendly, yet informative enough to benefit professionals seeking to enhance their Workday knowledge. It's a great opportunity to explore Workday without any cost and see how it can advance your career in the ERP space.

[singhanurag1]

Boost Your Career with Workday HCM Online Training

Workday HCM Online Training offers professionals a flexible way to master human capital management. This comprehensive course covers core modules, including HR, payroll, and talent management. Ideal for HR specialists and IT professionals, the training enhances job prospects and efficiency in Workday implementations. Learn anytime, anywhere to elevate your career.

[thewestern]

Chapter 18

The terrible twosome of Wellington Terriers had the complete run of the office at Wolffenbeir Company HQ, and their incontinence was getting worse by the workday. Both suffered from oscillating bouts of constipation and diarrhea, brought on by what the vet diagnosed to be chronic non-bacterial prostate inflammation, itself brought on by dietary irregularities. (The boys were fond of eating furniture, among other inanimate, nonfood items.) The nutritionist concurred. Their private trainer, however, speculated it was aggravated by acute onset separation anxiety. Because, you see, they doted on Hildy day and night, and while she professed to love them as if they were human sons, and perhaps moreso at that, at times she felt suffocated by their clinginess. As such they were periodically eighty-sixed from her corner office, left unattended to lethargically maraud among the rows of cubicles, pissing and shitting wherever they well pleased. Rummaging through trash cans for leftover sandwich crusts was another favorite passtime. (One of the few remaining legacies of Wilhelm I’s tyrannical managerial reign was that all office workers [read: non-union] were contractually mandated to take lunch at their desks.) Then there was barking at the still drastically underrepresented employees of color, of course. (Holdover hiring practices also courtesy of Big Willie.) Sniffing folks’ butts from beneath their ergonomic chairs. 

No one broached the subject to Hildy directly, but word got back to her through the semi-anonymous complaints to human resources — she personally audited these every Friday afternoon as a treat for making it through another week, like it were her own personal tabloid gossip column — that the dogs waddling amok had affected company morale for the worse. It was likewise brought to her attention how they were routinely cited in exit interviews as an overwhelming detriment to productivity and a primary reason to settle for career alternatives, even if they were lateral moves. Tell of their escapoops had even trickled onto an online employer review portal, where they were attributed to tanking the company’s Happiness Rating. This, or any other embarrassment by association, Hildy would not abide, as Billy could well attest. Rather than take appropriate measures to correct her most beloved companions’ poor behavior, she called on him, Billy, to see that all such libel be scrubbed from the digital record. These were the kind of condescending tasks she relished in delegating to her biological son. He in turn passed it off to his guy, Yayo-L. 

Presently, they were both sentried outside her office, whimpering to pretty please be allowed back inside to see mummy. Hildy had company, so this would not do. Irritated by the sounds of their manicured paws scratching at her door, she pressed the summoning button under her desk connected to a flashing red lamp on the receptionist’s desk outside. (Wilhelm I had it installed after once accidentally seeing a hockey game. To his mind, Sport, like most all music that wasn’t Wagner, was a childish distraction. However he couldn’t help but admire this Ice Hockey for its moral code of self-governance as adjudicated via vigilante justice. To that end, he strongly considered implementing a policy of settling internal company disputes through some form of hand-to-hand combat, but settled for the flashing red light.) Regrettably she recently had to let go of her receptionist of five years, Aaron, due to payroll cutbacks which hit administrative personnel the second hardest of any division behind maintenance. Also, although she would never be so rude as to say, Aaron had begun aging out of his aesthetic utility.  

Therefore, her private security agent, Ari, was reluctantly manning the secretary’s desk on what was supposed to have been an Interim basis. So far as Hildy was concerned, he had the handsom presence she needed to spare and then some. More than enough to make up for his answering the phone in a bordering-on-hostile-sounding Yiddish accent. Worse still, whereas Hildy took high tea, he only knew how to brew that ghastly instant coffee. Come to think of it he made for a crap fucking assistant indeed. Ask him to scan a few documents, and he was plenty liable to shoot the photocopier. 

Per longstanding company policy, he knocked three times firmly, but never obnoxiously so, before entering. 

I’m coming—come in, I mean. 

Reunited with their mumsy at last, the dogs breached contain, bum rushing around Ari through the cracked open door. 

You two — out. Ari, sweetheart, how would you feel about taking the dogs down to Five for some exercise? 

The fifth floor was the territory of Accounting and Legal. Under Wilhelm I, the accountants and lawyers were the nerve center. Which is to say they practically ran the place, held in higher esteem internally than anyone, save perhaps the brewing engineers. The old man revered working with ones’ hands, just so long as it was done without collective bargaining. One of the many reasons he kept the JDs and the CPAs so close at hand, stationed at the ready to quell any unrest, or absent that, to financially steward the company through a labor stoppage, respectively, on the sixth of six floors, adjacent to the executive suites. However, when Hildy took over she bumped them down a level, symbolically as well as literally, to Five. (She would have stowed them away in the basement if her presence weren’t so frequently required to oversee various corporate crisises.) With the bean counters out of the way, she had carte blanche to reconstitute the coveted Sixth Floor toward chartering her own bespoke in-house advertising agency. A View of Madison Avenue from the West. Cubicles were gutted and replaced with contemporary(-of-the-time) Scandinavian furnishings. Grays and taupes were swatched out for neons and pastels. Her Memphis Design inspirations were the places kids would hang out on popular television shows of the period — The Peach Pit on 90210, the Max on Saved by the Bell, Pee Wee’s Playhouse, etc. Because Hildy wanted a space that would attract the top creative talent away from the Coasts. Back then, when the cartoon wolf was still a cash cow, the board rubber-stamped her every indulgence. Over the years though, as returns diminished from that maturing brand, interior decoration budgets waned. Today the office was a mosh pit of clashing motifs, caught in the aesthetic netherworld between modern and retro. 

At Hildy’s command, the dogs tucked tails on out of there. Most dogs don’t respond to passive aggressiveness. Their ears aren’t tuned to that pitch. But that’s what made this noble English breed so special. True, they didn’t heed to a damn word anybody else said, but when the Mistress ordered you can bet your sweet-smelling ass they obeyed. Ari was beginning to take after them in this regard, learning an important lesson that Billy never had. In the Family Wolff, affection was a zero-sum game.  

When the door closed behind them, Mayor Mockingbird emerged from beneath her desk, folding his tie from back over his shoulder, wiping his mouth and picking a short hair from between his new veneers, paid for semi-legally out of his campaign coffers. It was a grey area, like his teeth used to be.

You know, I really wish you wouldn’t hold office hours when I’m down there. For Pete’s sake Hildy, I’m running for governor. Not to mention all you’ve got on your plate. The last thing either of us needs right now is a sex scandal.

Oh Larry, dear, don’t be daft. He couldn’t see you. Even if he could he’s not one of your constituents.  

Hildegard, darling, I mean that he saw me come in the office. 

Well he didn’t see me come anywhere, I assure you. And so what if he did? Isn’t yours the party of sexual liberation and female empowerment? 

I don’t know where you get off condescending me like I’m some bleeding heart. How many times do I have to tell you that I’m a pragmatic moderate? 

I haven’t gotten off anywhere, as has been established. And I hope you don’t truly believe all that rubbish about the spirit of bipartisanship. It’s quite boring. Besides, what even was the last compelling political sex scandal? Just the thought of it … it’s so … so nineties.  

We could bring it back in style though, couldn’t we? You know, Matilda is away with Carter at a soccer tournament this weekend in Tuscon. What say you swing by City Manor? Come on … it’ll be like one of your British miniseries … a tawdry affair between a noblewoman and her humble parliamentarian. If you really want a thrill, I can even have my Sheriff's detail sneak you in through the old bootlegger tunnels. 

What, like I’m your whore? I know what those tunnels are for. Don’t be crass. No, I don’t believe I’ll be snuck anyplace, thank you. Leastwheres City Manor. I can’t believe in this day and age of money in politics, one would suffer the humiliation of running for public office, only to wind up consigned to some dilapidated old shack. In point of fact, only the Governor’s Mansion is in more dire need of a remodel. Outright demolition, would be preferable still. Particularly if the current occupant happened to be home. So, anyway, you have that to look forward to. 

Well, then what about the Wolffenhaus? You know how I’ve been dying to see the famous lair. 

Is that so? Then I’m afraid you’ll have to sign up on our website for the official tour. They’ll take you as far as the driveway. Further than you’ll ever get with me. Certainly not on some tryst, to quite possibly the least romantic residence on the planet earth. And for what? A finger blasting in my teenage bedroom? Please, be serious.

To the mayor, that sounded divine.

Okay, fine. Your townhouse then. 

Oh, I don’t know, Larry. I feel a fatigue settling in. Don’t ring me. I’ll have Ari phone you after I’m rested.

Lovescorned, Larry slipped on his tassel loafers to leave. Hildy made him remove them before crawling under the desk.  

Now hold on for just a minute. You don’t think I summoned you all the way out here for That, do you? If you wouldn’t mind, I would very much like to know where we stand. As your distinguished campaign finance chairwoman I think I’m entitled to an occasional status update.

Oh, Hildy, I would never hold out on you. Truthfully, there are no updates on my end. Everything has been confirmed and re-confirmed with my Office of Economic Development. 

Oh, but do humor me. I’d like to hear you say it — exposition and all, please. Rest assured I’m not recording you. I had all the bugs stripped when the old gaffer had Gone for a Burton, as they say.

Here she was referring to her grandfather’s death by suicide. Gone for a Burton is a British English expression that was popularised by the RAF around the time of World War II. It was considered bad luck to say a pilot had gone missing or worse died in action, so this was a polite euphemism, although the exact etymology is disputed. Back to Larry with the details.  

As you wish. Buying the New Frontier will entitle Wolffenbeir and any future acquisition partners to our full suite of corporate relocation and foreign investment incentives. For all intents and purposes — tax purposes notwithstanding, of course — the Wolffenbeir Company, Inc. will have unadulterated access to all the advantages afforded to companies that operate within the city limits.  

Fabulous. That’s a good boy. Off you go then.

Larry lingered on that. Maybe she would say something else, like I love you, for example. But alas she didn’t. He took a beat before exiting through the large wooden double doors. Putting back on his politician’s face. The one that says to all passersby, I Know You. Ironically, depending if you concurred with his medical diagnosis of prosopagnosia (face blindness), the odds were he had no earthly idea who you were. 

His bodyman from the sheriff’s department had returned from the men’s room. (One perk of this otherwise shit detail was wherever he chauffeured the Mayor, there was usually a much nicer bathroom than they had down at the station. Certainly nicer than the one at county lockup, which he would only stoop to use for removing illicit drugs and other contraband from his rectum, to be resold at a markup to inmates. Truthfully, he did a lot of business in restrooms. His fiber-rich, iron-deficient diet necessitated that he pass bowels four-to-six times per day.) Waiting dutifully in Hildy’s foyer, he made a quick ocular assessment of the office before following his subject, codename Traveller, down the hall to the elevator bank. 

The Deputy Sheriff would have seen into a sanctum that had changed only slightly since its previous occupant, Wilhelm I, had vacated. Hildy’s complicated-if-you-could-call-it-that relationship with her Grossvater was such that she keenly felt a push and pull between contradicting desires: to at once preserve and wipe away all remnants of his legacy. His portrait still hung there on the north wall, facing the opposite direction from where he would have been seated at his desk so that he could quote, see what the bastards had hidden behind their backs. Like the banquet hall at the Wolffenhaus, he had portraits in all rooms where he desired that his essence be felt in his absence, and by extension, doubly so in his presence. (Boy, you’d think they’re were two of him, was something a labor representative once reflected upon departing the old man’s office, following a rather terse labor negotiation-if-you-could-call-it-that.) Conference rooms, guest rooms, break rooms, bathrooms. (That was the one thing the deputy sheriff could have done without — the scary old man staring at him from the stall door.) Just one of his little authoritarian quirks. Despots, dictators and tyrants … they’ve all got ‘em. Historically, they were wont to express their individuality via their garish military wardrobes. Fatigues, aiguillettes. Service medals, combat boots. Berets, fezes or some other funny hat. Stolen valor chic. You may have noticed how contemporary oppressors (of both the public and private sector persuasions) make a point of dressing less conspicuously, so that they may blend in amongst us. The emperors still have clothes, but they’re more minimalist. Blue jeans, gray sneakers, black turtleneck … anyone? In this and only this regard Wilhelm I could be considered a fashion trendsetter. In a kind of anti-fashion, albeit. For a fact, he wore the same suit — a charcoal gabardine purchased off the department store rack — in every one of his portraits. However, not because he had only the one suit. (He also had it in brown.) Rather, it was he refused to waste time sitting more than once for multiple portraits. So, he had commissioned several artists to work in concert over a single grueling session. As they were all given strict guidelines to paint within, each painting was eerily similar to its other. Perhaps then, what became more unsettling, were the barely perceptible differences between the interpretations. Subtle variations in expressionlessness. Displayed together, in mosaic maybe, they would have made for a provocative fucking exhibit indeed.

Even if she’d wanted to, Hildy couldn’t have removed his face from the office, or for that matter any other surface, short of tearing down the wall itself to its very studs. He’d had all his oil-on-canvas likenesses drilled into the foundation and encased in bulletproof glass. So she settled for commissioning her own portrait to be positioned on the wall opposite of Wilhelm. No, not of herself. That would be gauche. It was her terrier, of course. Neither of the current brood though. Her firstborn of five. Old Chauncey. He had been the best of them. 

(All five were males — growing up her Aunt Sarah had a bitch Weimaraner, and her big personality clashed head-on with Hildy’s. She always had two at a time, thinking wouldn’t it be nice for them to have a brother? In theory, maybe. In practice, however, they related more along the lines of an old gay couple, trapped in a loveless domestic partnership. Nonetheless they were codependent, quite desperately so, if only for to share the burden of one another’s myriad maladies and neurocies. Also to keep the lease on their rent-controlled apartment on the Upper West Side. 

Billy always wanted a brother, for his part.) 

There Chauncey was immortalized, his mouth agape, a tongue waging a losing war against gravity. Brown eyes starry and every-so-slightly crossed. One ear was floppy, t’other pointy, standing at attention like one of Wilhelm I’s starched collars. (The uneven ears were an aesthetic signature of the Wellington Terrier. Perhaps it’s what allowed them to pick up on sarcasm in human voices. They were the most British of dogs.) Locked in an eternal staring contest with him, the Great Man, who said of all domesticated animals: a waste of perfectly good food. 

Whereas Wilhelm I and Hildegard had both marked their territories, there was nary a trace of the men that linked them in the inbetween generations. The late Wilhelm II and his wayward grandson, Wilhelm III, Billy. This was intentional. Long-term losses, past and future, were irrelevant to the short-term returns of the present moment, to which they each enslaved themselves, embarking on an indentured servitude of indefinite term, escaping some deeply-owed emotional debt or other.

All of a sudden, Ari burst through the door (without knocking thrice, per protocol). Pointed at the hardwood floor, in his right hand he held his Desert Eagle .50. (Rather than being issued a standardized service weapon, Perlmutter agents were granted a sidearm stipend [deducted from their paycheck]. Most went with a  Glock 19. Nothing fancy, but modded out with enough flair so as to express oneself. His colleagues in arms made fun of Ari for packing such a high-caliber, nickel-plated, fucking hand cannon of a pistol. Dirty H-Ari, they called him, behind his back. Fucking cowards.) In his left hand, he held a torn-out piece of graph paper with pasted-on letters cut out from a magazine. (Ari would have no way of knowing this without conducting a more thorough forensic analysis, but these letters were actually cut out from various flyers for local bands and food truck menus. The alleged kidnapper[s], in this case, had no idea where to even find a magazine. None of them had ever subscribed to one.) 

w E   H A v E  t h E   w o L F f   

 ###

So far as Class One Felonies go, kidnapping is just about as funny as it gets. But hold on now, buddy. To be clear, not the kidnapping of Children. That is incorrigible. Not funny, at all. But the kidnapping of Adults … for ransom. Played for laughs, it has the potential to be outright hysterical. Certainly more so than say first-degree murder, or child abuse resulting in death. Treason could be funny, depending on the circumstances. Maybe a bit high brow. Kidnapping though is broadly funny, almost every time. (Almost.)

Think about it though. Let’s just for a second consider killing somebody, like conceptually, for comparison’s sake. The act of murder is one of horrific violence. Take gun deaths, by far the most common form. For a fact, according to data collected by the FBI from a crosssection of fourteen thousand homicides in a single American year (out of sixteen thousand total), more than ten thousand were committed using a firearm as the primary murder weapon. (The dataset is broken down state-by-state and includes instances of homicide committed without a weapon. Can you guess in which U.S. state someone is most likely to kill you with their bare hands, proportionally speaking as compared to other kinds of murder? Vermont! Eighteen percent of cases. Close second place is Alaska, which makes marginally more sense.) More than half of those gun deaths are wrought at close range, by pistols. A 9x19mm parabellum round — the most ubiquitous of handgun cartridges —  will travel at a velocity of let’s say eleven hundred feet per second, obviously dependent on muzzle length, bullet weight, the Coriolis effect and a whole range of ballistic variables. But ballpark average, that converts to 750 mph. That’s a short and curly hair’s shy of the Speed of Sound — surely fast enough to shred through any human tissue in its path like a hot load through Kleenex. If the hemorrhaging isn’t stopped with some type of tourniquet, and that’s provided none of your vital organs or main arterial passageways have been compromised, you got maybe five minutes before you bleed out, kemosabe. Any of that sound funny to you? Didn’t think so. 

What about hiding the body though? Suppose that could be funny in a slapstick kind of way. A corpse is much heavier than you think, insofar as it is quite literally dead weight. Awkward, too. Like moving a couch up a flight of stairs. That’s why so many murderers are keen to chop up their victims’ bodies. Taking a bone saw to the extremities. Right there’s a pain in the rear in and of itself, because you better believe that removing somebody’s arm requires some serious elbow grease. And decapitation … dude … now that’s a separate matter entirely. Your head is screwed on there mighty tight. Sawing alone won’t do the trick. Takes some serious hacking away, like you’re felling a tree.   

And now we’re right back to this not being very funny. 

Kidnapping, on the other hand … the moment you commit the crime, well, the fun has only just begun. Now you’ve got a live person to mind after. You’ve got the dual responsibilities of both a captor and a caregiver, and that raises all manner of tough questions. Where do you keep your hostage? What does the hostage like to eat? Does he or she have any food allergies? Has the hostage ascertained the identity of his abductors? Is there anything we can use as a blindfold? Should we the co-conspirators come up with code names for one another, so as to not accidentally let our real names slip in the flow of casual conversations? There’s all these things to consider and more. It’s sort of a comedy of manners. 

But that’s not even the best part. Negotiating a ransom, now that is funny. There’s the aforementioned note, which is like an arts and crafts project for career criminals. Probably you’ve got to run down to the drugstore for a glue stick and some construction paper. Nobody just has those laying around. Then once you make contact, you have to somehow maintain a dialogue. Which means phone calls, which means you get to use the little voice modulator thingy that makes you sound like a monster. Sounds awful scary in the movies, but those scripted conversations are played for suspense, and therefore don’t have any of the awkward pauses or exchanging of pleasantries that talking on the telephone. Oh, sorry, were you about to say something? No you go.  

Here’s something else silly, and also somewhat of a pro tip. They always begin by requesting some absurd sum. (Who you think you kidnap, Chelsea Clinton? Chris Tucker, Rush Hour II. Billy’s favorite movie.) That’s called anchoring — a tried and true negotiation tactic. It’s also important to insist that it be sorted by some nonsensical denomination. (No big bills. We want X amount in Tens, Y amount in Twenties and Z amount in traveler’s checks.) Sort of like how rock stars demand on their backstage riders that the bowl of chocolates be color-coded by their candy-coated shells. (It was Van Halen who was most infamous for this. To hear them tell it, though, the reason behind the request was more nuanced than their simply being petulant celebrity assholes, but likely that had something to do with it too. VH were among the first of the outfits of their oeuvre to tour with an intricate stage show, you see, a production that was centerpieced by a lighting design that at the time, would have made little kindergarten Chris Kuroda cream his underoos. For a fact, their rig was so dern heavy, that before one gig, the stage sunk a full eight inches into the gymnasium floor below. No rock stars were harmed, but it was a mighty close call. Thus, henceforth, to prevent any further potential disaster from fucking befalling them, thereby ensuring that the yahoos at the venue read the full goddamn contract, — which in addition to the stupid dressing room grocery shopping shit, dictated all safety requirements — the band’s manager buried that throwaway clause about picking out the chocolates. If he walked into the green room and saw even one single brown shell [seems redundant anyway], then he knew somebody had gone and fucked it up, and they were going to have to pour through that contract line-by-line, all fifty-two fucking pages, to see what else they skimmed over.)  

What kind of luggage is best? Nothing looks sweeter than popping open up one of them metal briefcases of neatly arranged USDs. Probably a duffle bag would be preferable for convenience sake, or in case you have to toss it off a bridge. But like a nice high grade leather, or like a wax canvas weekender. Not a sweaty old gym bag. Show some class. 

(Meanwhile, back to murder for a moment. Good luck finding a suitcase big enough you can stuff a dismembered body into it. Sure, you could use a big contractor bag, but all those liters of coagulating blood are gonna start seeping through the plastic, getting on all the upholstery in your trunk. Not to mention the smell of rotting flesh. Pee-ew! That’s why the professionals — narcos, mobsters etc. — use oil drums or some other type barrel. But, let’s be honest — where the hell are you going to find one of those? Unless you work at a place that has them just laying around. As in, per say, a craft brewery …)

As for the exchange itself, it's pure Marx Brothers. Give us the money, then you get the girl. No, give us the girl, then you get the money. Okay, fine, we’ll do it at exactly the same time. On the count of three. One … two … three … Aha! You weren’t going to do it! No, you weren’t!  (Or would that be more like Abbott and Costello? The Three Stooges? Hey … who gives a shit!)

But let’s get real, shall we; well before any cash trades hands, everything is going to fall apart in some tragicomic fashion. Say, there’s a breakdown in negotiations. Maybe the hostage’s rich prick of a father is a cheap old bastard who refuses to pony up the dough. We don’t negotiate with common criminals, he’ll say. Sure, guy. Whatever. Or maybe it’s that the hostage who’s a miserable piece of shit in his or her own right. So then daddy’s like, uh, what’s that? You’re holding Schuyler for ransom? And for how much was it you said you wanted again? Oh. Yeah. Actually, I’m sorry, but I think have the wrong number. No, no, it’s no problem at all. Yes, you have a pleasant evening as well. Bye bye now. 

And what about Stockholm Syndrome? We haven’t even talked about Stockholm Syndrome! Sympathising with, perhaps falling in love even, with the person who is bartering with your very life. Could anything possibly be funnier? A dark romantic comedy. A Meyers x Coens collab. (Ft. DJ Roger Deakins.)

To write a compelling screenplay, Joel, Ethan and Nancy will all tell you, it comes down to character motivation. Why’d they do it? Reconsider murder. They say that more often than not, it starts with domestic violence. (Hilarious.) A crime of passion then. Who did it? Nine times out of ten it was the Husband, the Boyfriend or the Ex. Case closed. Not much of a whodunnit, is it? 

Okay, how about theft, then? Everybody loves a good heist movie. Thomas Crown Affair, Ocean’s Eleven, The Italian Job. (All sixties flicks that have pretty solid remakes in the late nineties, early two-thousands, for what it’s worth. One could make the case that they actually surpass the original texts, which is kind of unheard of. Maybe that speaks to the timeless nature of the genre. Billy in particular was fond of TIJ, which starred three of his five favorite screen actors: Mark Wahlberg, Jason Statham and Seth Green. The Mick also quite liked all three of these films, although his favorite heist movie was probably The Usual Suspects, which was immortalized in poster form on the wall of his college dorm room, where he and Kitty slept together for the first time. Her favorite was Bottle Rocket, if that counts.) As for the act of stealing itself, we can all agree that larceny is a crime of necessity. Desperation. Whether you’re Jean Valjean stealing his daily bread, or your Billy Wolff compulsively jacking graphing calculators. They got something You need, man. You Gotta Have It. You’ll take that shit without batting an eye. It might as well already be yours. Was it ever even theirs to begin with? Property is theft, Kitty once heard in passing. 

Therefore, stealing is socialism. (Maggie Thatcher famously said the problem of socialism is eventually you run out of other people’s money. The IRA, for their part, once said about their failed assasination attempt on Maggie Thatcher, today we were unlucky, but remember, we only have to be lucky once. You will have to be lucky always … They talked that shit in a press release. Sick!) Or, rather, a more direct form of wealth redistribution. 

Kidnapping, then, for the sake of this exercise, would be capitalism. And you can’t steal from a free market. Now, there are exceptions. Perhaps you’ve been taken political prisoner by radical ideologues. Okay, but that style of political violence went out of fashion when the Berlin Wall fell and the world’s beauty died. Besides, those bleeding heart pussies probably weren’t actually going to kill you anyway. These days that type of thing really only happens if you’re an aid worker or some embedded journalist in the Mid East, and you get scooped up by some fringe jihadist sect, in which case you can bend over and kiss your ass-salamu alaykum. 

More likely though, it’s all about the money, like everything else today. Kidnapping has sold out. Gone corporate. For real though, in many Developing Nations, it is a Legitimate Business. A primary driver of GDP. The Perlmutter Agency has an entire global division dedicated to executive protection and travel security. 

(Although it doesn’t drive revenue compared to the more profitable verticals, such as active shooter response and corporate intelligence. Corporate intelligence, by the way, is a fancy management consultant way of saying, spying on your employees, which is how Perlmutter Detective Agency made its bones back around the turn of the previous century. Infiltrating union organizers, strike-breaking and the like. Nowadays, though, since most of that work can be done electronically, the Perlmutters have been somewhat put out; software is not a core competency. [Make no mistake, employers are monitoring your every keystroke. From the email you fired off to the rep from Local 69, to the keyword search terms you’re entering on Cum Depot dot Com. {Billy browsed a selection of almost exclusively acronym-based pornos. Of recent there had been PAWG, occasionally BBW or BBC, but never both and, of course, his all-time favorite, old reliable, which should come as no surprise to anybody that’s been paying attention — uh, paging Doctor Oedipus — mother f’ing MILF.}])

And if for some reason they fail to foil the plot to kidnap your company’s CEO, then they’ll just upsell you on their Human Asset Recovery package. The way it works is that Perlmutter — or one if its many competitors — will sub-contract the negotiation or if necessary exfil (exfil = exfiltration = extraction) with a K&R insurance brokerage (K&R = kidnapping and rescue … keep up). Here is where the real money is — we’re talking billion-dollar industry with a capital B. (Bradt.) For a fact, assuming they’re not fucking amateurs, the kidnappers will specifically target executives from publicly traded companies, with the explicit pre-knowledge that they are almost assuredly insured, thus increasing the probable likelihood by some multiple that they ever receive payment, and making for an altogether more frictionless customer experience. Or, think of it this way: wouldn’t you rather work with fellow professionals than your hostage’s rich Aunt Julie, or even worse, the pencil-pushing/dick diplomats down at the embassy?

So, if you’re the EVP of Emerging Markets for MegaCorp., flying to the Republican Democracy of Timbuktu, for to oversee the groundbreaking of a new dick-sucking mine, you’d be wise to double-check that your company has a robust K&R policy before you touch down in country. Otherwise, when some ex-guerillas mercenaries come repelling off the face of a cliff, shoot your driver in the face, throw a burlap sack over your head and haul you off to a yurt somewhere at a paramilitary camp in the jungle highlands, with a bunch of trained killers doing jumping jacks and the fucking monkey bars … well then you, my friend, are SOL. 

However, if you do a lot of business in the Horn of Africa, and you just so happen to be hijacked on the high seas by a jolly band of Somali pirates, you should actually consider yourself very lucky indeed. Because, statistically speaking, they are the safest of all the world’s most prolific kidnappers to be taken captive by, insofar as they aren’t likely to kill you. Their hostage return rates considerably exceed the industry standard. The Mick heard that on public radio once in Kitty’s station wagon and for some reason he would never forget it as long as he lived. Maybe in case the whole brewing thing didn’t work out after all, and he ended up crewing a container ship in the Gulf of Aden. Or, perhaps more probably, a pirate skiff. 

Furthermore, if your business travel is of the domestic variety, you don’t need to worry about any of this whatsoever. Nobody gets kidnapped anymore in America. Only a certified whack job would hazard to try such a thing. (Rest assured anybody that crazy is probably already an FBI informant.) And if you’re wondering, but what about all those times an Amber Alert so rudely interrupts your scheduled programming? Almost always it’s a parent, locked in a bitter custody dispute, absconding with their own child. That’s some sad-ass shit, homes. Now, there is an off chance it’s your classic Pervert in a Panel Van, but that’s not anywhere near as commonplace as popular media would suggest. 

All the same, his whole childhood, Billy had been terrified of just such a scenario. With good reason, mind you, given how his own grandpa, Wilhelm II, was killed in an attempted abduction that was thoroughly botched. (Kidnapping ceases to be so funny when it crosses over into cold-blooded murder, it should go without saying.) Perp was some petty conman, lowlife drifter-type. Hatched this half-baked plan to nab him on his way to work. After a misspent lifetime of knocking over soda fountains and defrauding grandmas out of their social security checks, this was going to be his Big Score. He pulled the broken-down-car routine, — one of the oldest tricks in the kidnapping book — setting his trap on a covered bridge, the part of Wilhelm II’s route to the brewery from the ranch that was pretty as a postcard. That morning was picturesque in particular, since winter’s first snow just so happened to be gently falling, The big wet flakes accumulating on the tree limbs. A crystal brook babbling below. Junior pulled over to aid his fellow traveler, partly because his car was obstructing the throughway, but also because that’s just the standup sort of guy he was. His father — Senior, The First — would’ve … well you could speculate he’d have rammed him off the road, but truthfully he wouldn’t have been in that situation to begin with. Most nights he slept fifty feet from his office at the brewery. Commuting back home to his children would have constituted a waste of time.  

The assailant emerged from beyond the popped hood and produced a Luger P08 that he purchased from a sporting goods catalog. (Those were the days.) A struggle ensued. Wilhelm II, perhaps too proud to comply, was gutshot in the fracas. He bled out in the trunk en route to his final resting place, a drainage ditch way down valley, just above the treeline. It wasn’t until the following spring, after the snow melt, that his personal effects and skeletal remains were happened upon by a local goat herder. Of course his body had been torn assunder and scattered every which way but loose by some or other opportunistic critters. They could only recover about the half of him. 

Hildegard was all but ten years old at the time. It was her who answered the phone when the kidnapper first Established Contact, before anyone knew her father was missing from the first. They hadn’t come out with those special kidnapping gadgets that make you talk like a monster, but this guy got by fine without one. His voice had a nasally hiss which haunted Hildy the rest of her days. 

Hello, young lady. Um, this is a friend of your Poppa speaking. Do you know happen to know where he is presently?  

Obviously, with his hostage dead in a ditch by his doing, this kidnapper had forfeited his leverage. Nonetheless he managed to string everybody along a fair bit. No, he never got that big payday he was after. Surprise, surprise … Wilhelm I refused to negotiate with who he presumed to be a communist pervert. (Only the latter was true, although that was incidental.) He did however evade the G-Men and their hellhounds on a trans-continental goose chase. As a personal favor to his dear friend Willy, as only he dared to call him, Hoover had set his boys on the largest manhunt in the history of law enforcement. Hard target searches of every gas station, residence, warehouse, farmhouse, hypehouse, henhouse, outhouse and doghouse for a hundred miles in every de-rection.

Lot of fucking good it did too. Only by pure happenstance was the suspect apprehended at the Aéroport international Montréal-Dorval, subdued by Mounted Police following a heated argument with a French-speaking gate agent that escalated to just short of physical violence. He had specifically requested a window seat on his flight to Heathrow. See, this last thing hadn’t gone like he planned, but this next job was foolproof. He was on his way to London where he would infiltrate the Palace Guard, and somehow rip off the Royal Family. Maybe learn from his mistakes (lesson number one: kidnapping an adult may be funnier, but it ain’t easier) and snag that little creep Prince Andrew. Or something. He had the whole flight over to work out the details. But how was he supposed to think in the middle seat, you stupid French bitch!

When all the dust settled, Wilhelm I forbade any form of tearful rembermance, processed grieving or mere mention of Wilhelm II in his presence. (Recall, that he was everywhere.) Hildy’s mom took his directive for her cue to crawl into a bottle, from whence she was never to resurface. Her son, Hildy’s brother, was meanwhile beckoned to the Wolffenhaus to live with his Grossvater, thus commencing his beer baron apprenticeship and home scholarship under Fräulein Loebl. (Wilhelm II would have never allowed for his father and the Fräulein to have unfettered influence over his own offspring. That was partway why he spurned his own father, naming his grandson Werner instead of Wilhelm. [Take that, Dad. Adding insult to injury, whereas all the other men in the family bore the same middle name, Josef, Werner’s was Stetson.] Ernie was going to have a normal childhood, growing up on his father’s fifty-thousand-some acre ranch, The Double W. Over his dead body would the Old Man turn him into another of his human capital investments. But damn if it didn’t happen just like that. And boy was he long on Werner.) Hildy was sent off to live with her Aunt Sarah and continued on attending Canaan School for Girls. (So it was called before it merged with the nearby boys’ school, City Country Day.) 

Hildy never did explain to her son what had happened to his maternal grandfather. (Genuinely, she thought this to be in his best interest. She didn’t want for him, or anyone, to hear that wretched voice which echoed inside her head.) So Billy read about it on the Internet. Browsing an encyclopedic blotter of popular crimes, compiled from online submissions that were rather unscrupulously crowdsourced. (It is exceedingly difficult to crowdsource online submissions scrupulously.) Like a trail of delicious candies, the hyperlinks led one to the next — Lizzie Borden > Leopold and Loeb > Lindbergh baby > Crime of the Century (disambiguation) > May refer to: The Wolffenbeir Plot. If only he could have skipped straight to online porn. At that point in his sexual self-discovery he had still been plenty smitten by the television simulcasts of the Howard Stern show and the scrupulously blurred out infomercials for Hot Babes Get Butt Naked For Money. 

Henceforth, between heavenly wet dreams about Carmen Electra being coerced to mount a vibrating masturbation saddle, Billy had a recurring nightmare about being kidnapped. He was in an all-white space. No walls. No shadows. But he wasn’t weightless. He was sitting, cross-legged, in the middle of all that nothing. Hildy was there too, standing off to the side, arms crossed, impatient-like. Then someone drives up in a teal four-by-four with a soft top, identical to the one his granddad had drove to the bridge that day. It was Baba Booey, alias Gary Dell’Abate, beloved producer of the Howard Stern show. Without even stopping he scooped up Billy. Hildy didn’t make any attempt to resist. She just watched him go.

###

Turns out that dream was something of a premonition. Billy would be kidnapped. Twice, actually. First time was those assholes from the Wilderness Academy, on Hildy’s behalf. Now he would get her back by kidnapping himself. Man, are some families messed up or what? Eat your heart out, Hawthorne.   

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Mastering the Workday Certification Exam: A Guide to Professional Success

The workday certification examination is a crucial milestone for people looking for to validate their experience and knowledge in workday implementation and administration. This examination assesses a candidate's understanding of workday functionalities, configuration, and greatest practices. To pass the workday certification exam, candidates must reveal their capacity to navigate the platform, perform various tasks similar to creating and managing organizations, positions, and workers, and configure and customize Workday to meet particular enterprise requirements. The exam covers a quantity of matters, including workday safety, reporting and analytics, compensation management, expertise management, and human resource management. It requires candidates to deeply perceive Workday's underlying data mannequin, enterprise processes, and integration capabilities. Preparing for the workday certification examination requires hands-on expertise with the workday platform and complete examine materials. Candidates are inspired to reap the advantages of workday training programs, online assets, and follow exams to familiarize themselves with the exam format and content.

That's an excellent step in direction of turning into an expert in Workday and enhancing your profession opportunities. Workday provides varied certifications that validate your data and abilities in different areas corresponding to Human Resources, Finance, and Payroll. To prepare for the Workday certification exam, it's important to know the exam aims and examine the related materials completely. Workday offers official training programs and documentation that cowl all the topics you may have to know. Additionally, a number of online sources, follow exams, and examine guides may help you additional prepare. When you are feeling confident in your knowledge and skills, you probably can schedule your certification exam through the Workday Certification portal. The exam is often taken online and consists of multiple-choice questions. It's important to handle your time effectively and skim each question carefully to ensure correct solutions. Certification exams can be challenging, but you can succeed with correct preparation and dedication. Good luck in your journey to becoming Workday certified!

Preparing for the workday certification exam requires a devoted and systematic method. Candidates must completely examine the official Workday documentation, including user guides, implementation guides, and group boards. They also needs to take advantage of training courses and workshops that Workday or its licensed partners supply. These resources present valuable insights into the assorted functionalities and finest practices for optimizing using the Workday software. The exam itself is a rigorous and difficult assessment. Candidates are required to reply multiple-choice questions, scenario-based questions, and hands-on exercises that simulate real-world scenarios. These workouts take a look at the candidate's ability to configure and customize the Workday software program to satisfy particular business necessities. Additionally, candidates ought to strive to achieve sensible experience by working on real-world workday implementations and initiatives. The workday certification examination is a rigorous and difficult assessment that calls for high proficiency in workday concepts and functionalities.

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Top HR Training Institute in Bangalore

Why Choose Zonal Tech Solution for HR Training?

Zonal Tech Solution is a leading provider of HR training in Bangalore. Our training programs focus on real-world applications, industry-relevant curriculum, and expert trainers. Here’s why we stand out:

Comprehensive Curriculum: We cover all key HR functions, including recruitment, payroll management, labor laws, employee engagement, performance appraisal, and HR analytics.

Industry Experts as Trainers: Learn from HR professionals with extensive industry experience who provide valuable insights and guidance.

Hands-On Learning: Practical assignments, case studies, and live projects help reinforce theoretical concepts through real-world applications.

Placement Support: We offer dedicated placement assistance to help you secure employment in the HR domain.

Flexible Learning Options: Our programs cater to students, working professionals, and entrepreneurs with flexible schedules.

Affordable Fees: Quality HR training at competitive pricing makes Zonal Tech Solution a preferred choice.

Features of Our HR Training Program

Our training approach is practical, engaging, and career-focused. The key features include:

1. Talent Acquisition & Recruitment

Gain expertise in crafting job descriptions, conducting interviews, and attracting top talent.

2. Payroll and Compliance

Learn about payroll processing, tax regulations, and labor law compliance for seamless HR operations.

3. Employee Relations & Engagement

Develop skills in conflict resolution, communication, and employee retention strategies.

4. Labor Laws & Regulations

Understand critical labor laws like the Industrial Disputes Act and Minimum Wages Act.

5. HR Analytics

Utilize data-driven decision-making for workforce planning and performance management.

6. Performance Management Systems

Design and implement performance appraisal methods to align with organizational goals.

7. Training & Development Programs

Plan and execute employee training sessions for skill enhancement and career growth.

8. HR Software Training

Hands-on training in leading HR software like SAP, Workday, and BambooHR.

Advantages of HR Training at Zonal Tech Solution

Career Growth Opportunities

Our training enhances employability, giving you a competitive edge in the job market. Many of our students have secured roles in leading organizations.

Networking and Industry Exposure

Connect with fellow HR professionals and industry experts to expand your career opportunities.

Updated Curriculum

Our course content is regularly updated to include the latest HR trends and industry practices.

Professional and Personal Development

Apart from technical skills, our training fosters confidence, leadership, and effective communication skills.

Who Can Benefit from Our HR Training?

Aspiring HR Professionals: Individuals looking to start their career in HR.

Working HR Professionals: Those seeking to upgrade their skills and advance in their careers.

Business Owners: Entrepreneurs who want to understand HR management for their businesses.

Graduates & Students: Freshers aiming to enhance their employability in the HR sector.

Testimonials from Our Students

Priya Sharma “Zonal Tech Solution’s HR training program was a turning point in my career. The practical assignments and expert guidance helped me secure my dream job within weeks.”

Rajesh Kumar “Highly recommend Zonal Tech Solution for HR training. The trainers, real-world examples, and placement support made all the difference in my career growth.”

Why Bangalore is the Best Place for HR Training?

Bangalore, India’s Silicon Valley, is home to numerous multinational companies and startups, creating high demand for skilled HR professionals. Here’s why Bangalore is ideal for HR training:

Thriving Job Market: Plenty of opportunities for HR professionals across industries.

Professional Environment: Exposure to diverse work cultures and industry standards.

Networking & Learning Events: Regular HR summits and industry conferences offer valuable learning experiences.

How to Enroll in Zonal Tech Solution’s HR Training Program?

Visit Our Website: Explore our course details and training modules.

Contact Us: Reach out via phone or email for personalized guidance.

Register Online: Complete the enrollment process by submitting the required details.

Start Learning: Join our classes and embark on your journey to becoming a proficient HR professional.

Conclusion

HR is an exciting and rewarding field with vast career opportunities. The right training can help you make a significant impact. Zonal Tech Solution’s HR training program in Bangalore is designed to equip you with essential skills, industry knowledge, and job-ready expertise. Take this opportunity to invest in your future — enroll today and start your journey toward a successful HR career.

For more information, visit our website or contact us. Let Zonal Tech Solution be your trusted partner in achieving your career aspirations.

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Workday Payroll Training Online Course in Ahmedabad

Advance your career with our Workday Payroll Training Online Course by Multisoft Systems in Ahmedabad. This course provides in-depth knowledge of Workday's payroll functionalities and best practices. For details or to enroll, please email us at info@multisoftsystems.com.

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Looking for top-notch Workday training in Singapore? ERP Cloud Training offers comprehensive online courses tailored to your needs. Gain expertise in HCM, Financials, Payroll, and more with expert guidance. Elevate your career today! Visit ERP Cloud Training.

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Interlude

Walt's weekend already started; he's starfished on his bed with no mask on and is snoring so loudly my contacts at our newest Infiniti branch picked it up over my phone.

Sarah's taken five to go lie down next to him, and he's brought her closer without waking up.

The usual axioms about workplace relationships is that they don't work. What about those where you've built something with your SO? Are you supposed to act like your acting professionally has no value in the face of the professed notion that you're not supposed to "fuck with the payroll" as it were?

Some of my former colleagues don't get it. They held bets assuming we'd splinter off in spite and regret, and now most of 'em are stuck giving us bemused looks. "How can you like this guy? There's no distinction between his on-the-clock game and how he is off of it!"

And see, that's the thing. We're earnest. Sarah is who she is, Walt is who he is consistently - clock or otherwise. The guy who sells call packages and who helps out when certain promos flag is the same guy whose loud exhales are on the verge of turning into groans - the same guy whose unconscious bliss is palpable.

Of course, this means that there's a level by which we're more or less constantly talking about work, but anyone who knows Walt shouldn't be surprised. He's a born salesman, and there's nothing he likes more than finding ways to push people's buttons.

Compare and contrast with people I knew who wore poker faces for their entire workday at the Old Place and who then removed it like a filthy face mask, usually with an acrid "Fuck this place, I'm out!" as soon as the shift ended.

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Workday Course Online Training

Best Workday Online Training The Workday HCM Online Training makes you a master in this subject that mainly includes HCM overview, basics of HCM, staffing models, payroll, business process, HR operations, etc. We provide quality online training and Job oriented training courses by workday certified experts. workday course Well, organized Course details with updated syllabus modules uniquely designed by Current workday trend-setting specialists. Our training will be handled in either weekday or weekends depending on learner’s requirement Workday Course Online Training

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