#a topic to discuss later ok

[merevide]

can’t take shipping drama in the yellowjackets fandom seriously sometimes bc it’s like. why are we fighting over this. all the yellowjackets are in one big fucked up relationship if u really think hard about it. anyway what we should be discussing is what warrior cats clan each person would be in.

[sheabuttahwrites]

Tag Me In ( part one )

Modern!AU Smoke x Annie

- Shea Buttah Bakery Masterlist - sounds // When You Touch Me - Brandy - warnings - smut, explicit language, there's filth in here - -

Annie was in a bad way today.

Her poor vibrator sat atop her blanket worn out, on its final bit of glint from the last try. She had turned to her side and moved on to watching one of her favorite youtube shows. In this episode, the group was discussing which appetizer was the worst, yet her pussy was leaking between her cheeks as if it were something much more salacious. Her legs squirmed beneath the covers, unable to keep still as she laughed at them joke on each other more than they discussed the actual topic. 

She fell back with a heavy, frustrated sigh, wondering why her hormones had to kick in while she was home alone. And, even more, what she was gonna do about it. Especially since she had already made herself cum three whole times with not an ounce of relief in sight. In the midst of near hysteria, she was notified that someone was coming into the garage. She squealed after looking at her phone. A few short seconds later, the remedy walked through their bedroom door. 

“What happened?”

“Stack canceled. His lazy ass wanna do it next week now.” 

“Oh, wow. Your brother’s a trip.”

“Yeah. I heard Sammie in the background, too, so I’m sure that’s what really changed his plans. They’ll be up to no good pretty soon.”

“You know, I always did like Sammie.”

He chuckled, disappearing into the bathroom. A few moments later, he came out in his undershirt and boxer briefs. “You wanted me home, huh?”

“Hell yeah. Come here.” 

The way her tongue ran softly over her lips while her eyes took in every bit of him, he already knew what type of time she was on. It was confirmed when he saw the toy lying behind her. 

“What you been in here doing?” He grinned slyly.

“Nothing.” She was grinning herself as she lied. 

“Don’t look like nothing.”

“Whatever I did, I still need you.”

He was immediately taken by the pretend innocence in those big, brown eyes. “Yeah?” 

She nodded. “Mhm.”

He came closer and picked the vibrator up, turning it on. He switched through every speed before stopping on the highest one. Internally, she was celebrating, as guaranteed satisfaction wasn't too far away. But then he switched it off, put it down in front of her, and, most concerning, backed away. “First, show me what you be doing when I’m not here.” 

Annie’s stomach dropped, taking her smile with it. Though he’d seen, touched, and tasted just about every part of her, this made her nervous for some reason. Maybe because she’d only ever done it by herself? She was on the way into her head when he grabbed her chin and made her look at him, lovingly brushing his fingers down her cheek. 

“Go ‘head, baby, don't be shy. I got you.”

Feeling just slightly reassured, she went over onto her elbow. The lump in her throat went down a lot easier than her hand did under the blanket. Then he pulled it back and took away her last bit of comfort, revealing her panties down beside her. But, before she could react, they were against his face getting a long, deep sniff. 

“Smoke! Oh my god.” She couldn't help but laugh at him groaning with closed eyes. Like her drawers were the most delicious scent he'd ever had the privilege of smelling. “You are so nasty.”

He winked at her and grinned, throwing them back onto the bed. 

Reminded that there was nothing for her to feel unsure about, that this was her man and it wasn’t possible for her to be any safer, she turned her body to face him head on and propped herself up on a pillow. If he wanted a show, she was gonna give him one. 

“Ok. That's what I’m talkin’ ‘bout,” he rejoiced, rubbing his hands together and making her giggle even more. 

She unabashedly slid her fingers between her lips and closed her eyes. That was just her way of doing things. But he had different plans.

“Nah, mama. Eyes on me.”

She took a deep breath and gladly bent to his will, spreading her legs while her hand slipped around in her wetness. She gazed through her thighs at him and bit her lip. His sexy ass smolder always sent her over the edge, but watching him watch her was turning her on in a way she hadn't expected. She’d never considered voyeurism to be her cup of tea, but now that she was in it, she only had one complaint. Her fingers weren't going to be enough. 

She picked up the vibrator and started it on the lowest speed. The corner of his lips went up into a satisfied grin. As anticipated, her helper added a thrill that her hand just couldn't match as she pushed it over her clit. She brought one of her knees up to her chest, her breathing starting to quicken. She was in a groove. A moan spilled from her throat like a sultry melody. His favorite song.

“There you go.”

Smoke came closer, hungrily licking his lips, dimples deep enough to drown in. She liked the hell out of this. Any doubts she might've had before had since turned to titillation. He wouldn't have to tell her again to look at him, because she was locked in. Her hips rolled as she surrendered to the sparks igniting the fire between her thighs, her moans pouring out. He had a fire of his own rising as he witnessed her lose control with her eyes set on him. Overcome, she grabbed her titty and sucked it into her mouth. It was so hard for him not to touch her, but he could do this all day. Taking in the fullness of her body, her deep brown skin thoroughly moisturized, big titties falling from the top of her shirt. Beauty paled in comparison to what she was. And all she wanted was him.

“Feel good?”

“Yeah,” she whispered, squeezing her soaked nipple between two fingers. “Mmmm.”

“Open up, fat cat. Let me see.”

She reached down and spread herself wide. He smiled and leaned in to get a better view, blowing delicately on her pussy before his ascent. She gasped. The breeze flowing against her slippery skin sent a chill through her entire body. She pushed the vibrator against her clit and held it there. She was done. His arms, his chest in that tank top, the thickness. The achingly sensual tone of his voice. The way his dick was running out of space in his underwear. All of it was driving her crazy. She needed to release. 

Her mouth fell open and, for the first time since they’d started, her eyes left him. As they rolled, her head followed, tipping back on the pillow she’d now sunken deeper into. Watching her fight—and fail—to keep enough composure to hold her head up, hearing her beg sweetly for him with almost every breath she took, was doing him in. Like her, he wasn't gonna last too much longer.

“Smoke,” she called, desperately.

“Yeah, baby?”

“Please touch me.”

He didn't need to hear her say it again. He started at her knee and gently led his hand down to her inner thigh. Eye to eye with her once more, he gave the softness a light squeeze, then her hips went completely still. 

He smiled. “Oooh. This my part right here.”

A heavy crease hit her brow and he saw her pussy start to ripple. He swore he could feel it pulsing against his dick. Mesmerized, he leaned in just as a thick bead of her nectar dripped out, hanging on to the edge. 

“Goddamn. Make a mess for me, mama.”

“Fuuuuuck.” Her head slumped back and he grabbed her other thigh, kneading his fingers into them both. 

“Mhm. I wanna see that pretty pussy all over these sheets.”

She shrieked and the waves began to ripple faster. The muscles in her thighs were flexing hard against his hands. He licked his lips, watching her leak onto their bed just as he’d asked. She looked up at him, chest heaving, her cries reaching an octave he didn’t have the strength to ignore. 

He let her go and started to jump up and down, stretching his neck from side to side like a fighter waiting for his chance in the ring. “Shit, that’s enough.” 

Annie drifted out of ecstacy and right into a laugh, where he had his palm out toward her, still jumping. “…You foolish.”

“Tag me in, girl. It's my turn.”

@blackerthings @judymfmoody @lyrarodriguez @fendionmyfeet @fadingbelieverexpert @chaneajoyyy @astoldbychae @hotgrlcece @daddiespamm @lovethecheri @xo-goldengirl @miyuhpapayuh @buttrflybby @jiminie-08 @queengodiva619 @soufcakmistress @shiania @motheroffae @savagemickey03 @infinity2 @uhhh-nunyabidniz-heaux @deepinmydaydream @queenofklonnie22 @irefusetobeacasualty @honestlyurslol @bigjh @katezy2x @brownskincheyenne @shamansha @championshipshade @summrsovrinterlude @freelandgoddess @margepimpson @orchidwonder @lizbehave @spicypiscesssss -taglist-

[sk-touchthesun]

Happy anniversary of the best show I know, Dead Boy Detectives💀🔎 How are you celebrating today?🥂

–

I watched the series for the first time last autumn. I watch queer shows and movies, and had heard this show is queer. That was all I knew about it beforehand.

After the first ten minutes of the pilot I knew I would watch the entire series, and after finishing all the episodes in a day, I thought "wow, ok, so that was kind of good." Then a couple of days later I realised I wanted to watch all of it from the beginning again, which I've never done with any other series before!

I watched the show for the second time. And then the third. Eventually I ended up creating public social media accounts and started drawing digitally for the first time in a decade or so. Frankly, me posting on this account is quite a miracle; I'm very uncomfortable having an account that anyone can access.

Why did the show have such a huge impact then? Well, first of all, it's truly fresh and brilliantly done. The pace is fast while still giving space to all the important moments that require it. The mix of different genres works extremely well. There's a balance of warmth and darkness—bad things may happen, but there's still light to be found.

I love how the series discusses heavy topics: they're taken seriously while the overall tone of the show stays light enough so that it doesn't get overwhelming. The characters are relatable, and I especially relate to both Edwin and Charles on various levels. Moreover, I think it's the loneliness all the characters experience that really speaks to me, combined with the found family theme that gives me hope that things can be better.

Lastly, the cast and crew are incredible and did absolutely brilliant job bringing Dead Boy Detectives to life. I'm grateful for this show and the wonderful fandom🩵 I now daily talk to friends I've made because of the series! I'm not sure how I would've made it through what has been an incredibly heavy spring without all this.

Love you all🫶🏼 Yes, you right there reading this post! Let's save Dead Boy Detectives!

[sturnioz]

ok you def don’t have to answer or go along with this idea but… imagine like bun and kitty and whoever are all having a convo about faking orgasms and chris is there not really contributing just barely listening and kitty asks bun if she’s ever faked one and she just kinda timidly shrugs and tries to change the topic. well that catches his attention and later when they’re alone chris asks if she’s ever faked with him and she just sorta shrugs again. then he makes it his mission to make her cum as many times as possible.

"i faked it, like, once or twice," you hear bee admit to kitty one morning, her voice cutting through the quietness of the kitchen. you glance up from your cereal bowl, spoon halfway to your mouth, blinking at them both with little curiosity as bee continues. "sometimes i can't be bothered, y'know? like, just wrap it up already."

kitty lets out a soft laugh, her fingers curled around a steaming mug of coffee. she takes a sip before she nods in agreement. "it takes me longer to finish, and sometimes matt knows what he's doing but other times? i just need it to be over 'cos i'm not getting anything out of it."

you remain quiet as you watch them, slowly chewing on your cereal, unsure if you should talk or not. the thought of talking about your own sexual experiences makes your cheeks feel hot, and you don't really want to embarrass yourself so early in the morning.

kitty notices your silence, and she raises an eyebrow at you. "what about you, bun? ever faked it?"

the question aimed at you catches you completely off guard, and you almost choke on your cereal. you quickly swallow as your eyes dart toward chris, who's lounging on the couch in the living room.

"uh..." you stammer, struggling to find your words. instead, you opt for the safest response possible—a slow and noncommittal shrug.

kitty grins over the rim of her mug, "is that a yes, or a no?"

your cheeks burn hotter, and you quickly drop your gaze back to your cereal bowl, stirring the milk absently. desperate to change the subject, you quickly ask, "a-are you, um... are you both doing anything later? are you still going to the store?"

"OH!" bee gasps dramatically, smacking her palm against the counter as if you've just reminded her of something. she digs into the pocket of nate's oversized hoodie, pulling out her phone and unlocking it with rapid taps as she rambles about the list of things she needs to get that's in her notes app.

the weight on your chest lifts as the conversations shifts, grateful the attention is no longer on you. kitty joins bee in a discussion about running errands, and you take the opportunity to sneak a quick, cautious glance toward chris.

he's sitting sitting on the couch, manspreading, his face buried in his phone as he scrolls mindlessly. relief washes over you in waves, thankful that he wasn't listening in.

or so you think.

it's when you're in his room, rummaging through clothes in search for something to wear to join kitty and bee on their day, you hear the door click shut behind you.

you glance over your shoulder to see chris leaning against the doorframe, his eyes trained on you. he doesn't say anything at first, he just tosses his lighter onto the desk with a dull thud.

searching for something to wear to join kitty and bee on their day out, that you hear chris walk in, his eyes trained on you as he closes the door behind himself.

"have you?" he finally asks.

your brows knit together as you turn to face him fully, blinking in innocent confusion. "have i what?"

"faked it, kid."

the question hits you like a slap, and your face heats up instantly as the realisation sets in. when you thought he wasn't paying attention to his surroundings... he did hear.

your lips part as you try to come up with something—anything to say—but all that comes out is a jumble of stuttered words that make absolutely no sense. completely incoherent.

finally, you resort to the same answer you gave before—a slow shrug of your shoulders.

chris huffs out a short, dry laugh, shaking his head as he presses his tongue against the inside of his cheek. his jaw tightens as he keeps his eyes on you, his sharp gaze making pulse quicken.

"right," he mutters, his voice low and unreadable.

it all happens so fast—one moment you’re being stared at, and the next you're pressed against the bed with a sticky mess between your thighs.

you're gripping the bedsheets tightly between trembling fingers, a choked squeal leaving your drooling lips as his hips smack harshly against your ass he he fucks into you brutally, giving you what seems to be your third or fourth or fifth orgasm.

honestly, you have no idea. you've lost count.

"c-chris! mmph—i ca—ah!!" you're unable to form a coherent sentence, your body bouncing against the bed with each thrust, your thighs flailing as his grip on your hips tighten, pulling you back repeatedly against him, driving his cock further into your snug warmth.

"shruggin' your shoulders," he scoffs to himself with a shake of his head, clicking his tongue against his teeth as one of his hand dips around the front of your body, pressing his thumb against your sore, swollen clit. "y'funny if you think you can fake shit with me, bun."

divider credits. @issysh3ll

[sunsetcupid]

BED CHEM ; IH6.

synopsis: A fic about Isack Hadjar and his girlfriend, Y/N L/N, who decides to ask him about his opinion on threesomes.

trigger warnings: Use of Y/N; Use of feminine pronouns from the reader’s perspective; Mentions of threesomes; Use of swear words in English and French; Descriptions of romantic acts and behaviors; Suggestive remarks

a message from the author: This is spicier than my previous fics have been; however, I do not write smut. It’s not something I’m comfortable with. Therefore, this fic does involve a sex-related topic, but it is just the discussion surrounding it. No smut is found in here. There are other authors on Tumblr that write it, and I respect them for being able to do so, but I will not be one of them. Thank you!

If there was one fun fact about yourself that you wished you could broadcast to the world without fear of retribution, it would be that you loved to cuddle with your boyfriend. Isack was a little bit shorter than you were — something he would never admit to — but he was the best big spoon you could ask for. He was like an athletic teddy bear with a penchant for swearing colorfully in French.

You rubbed your eyes, tossing fitfully in the bed you shared with your boyfriend, who was diligently studying the next lip sync video that VCARB wanted him to complete. A frustrated groan escaped your lips as you attempted to find another comfortable position and nearly elbowed Isack in his stomach.

Though the bed was comfortably large, Isack had a tendency to stretch out like a starfish, legs and arms splaying out everywhere, even in your portion of the bed. Amused, you poked at his muscled thigh under the blanket, waiting to see his reaction. He looked up from his phone, pausing the video so he wouldn’t lose his place.

“Yes?” Isack asked, quirking one eyebrow. He wasn’t annoyed, just confused. “Is everything OK, Y/N?”

You shook your head, forcing back a grin as you flopped over on your side. “I’m fine. Go back to memorizing your terribly important overused TikTok audio.”

“Ma chérie, I would be extremely foolish if I trusted you right now. I can tell you’re lying.” Isack put his phone down on the nightstand, tugging you closer to him. His body heat billowed out, making you feel like you were melting inside a sauna. “What’s on your mind?”

“I’m being serious.” You stuck your tongue out, making him roll his eyes and playfully flick you on your nose. It was a habit of his; he claimed it was something his father used to do to him, and he liked sharing it with you. “There’s nothing wrong, Isack, I swear. Don’t pay attention to me.”

Isack huffed, suddenly caging you in with his strong biceps. He didn’t apply much pressure, but the air was still choked out of your lungs because of how surprised you were. All those hours at the gym lifting weights had not been useless, you thought happily. You quite liked his biceps; they were squishy but firm, and — holy shit, you were going crazy. Apparently you had less oxygen in your lungs than you thought. “I won’t let go until you tell me.” Isack informed you, adjusting his position so it was more efficient at making you surrender. “Now will you listen to me and tell me what’s bothering you? You’ve been flipping around as if you are a dead fish for over an hour now.”

You scrabbled at his arms, but he was telling the truth; his grip on you was too secure. “What’s your opinion on threesomes?” you blurted out a moment later when you realized escape was futile. Embarrassment and regret immediately washed over you, especially since you knew what expressions he must be making. The fact that you could not see Isack’s face was inconsequential.

Confusion. Then horror. A beat passed, then two, as Isack tried to make sense of what you had asked.

“Q…Quoi? Am I doing something wrong?” Isack loosened his vise on you, allowing you to wiggle out and finally breathe unrestrictedly. “Why are you mentioning this to me? Did last night not satisfy you?”

“It did! I’m not…You’re more than fine, I just…” You trailed off, waiting for air to refill your lungs. “I wanted to know your thoughts.”

Isack bit his lip, his tooth peeking out. “Am I not pleasuring you well when we…?” He implored you with wide brown eyes, a moment away from breaking into tears. The sight made your heart crumble. Oh God, forgive me for making Isack upset, you bemoaned internally. “I thought you were happy with me. I didn’t know you weren’t, and I’m sorry for not paying enough attention to you to realize. Je suis désolé.”

You bolted up, almost breaking Isack’s nose in the process, and winced. “Oh. My. God. Isack. I am! I am happy with you! It was just a question! Why would you think I wasn’t happy with you?”

“Are you sure?” Isack was still worried. “If you need someone else to pleasure you, then I am not doing my job right. Why are you asking if this is not true?”

You palmed your forehead. “I’m more than satisfied! I swear on my soul — if I have one, which I do —, I very much do not want a threesome.” Your nose crinkled as you imagined how it would play out. Isack would be possessive, and rightfully so. And whoever the other man was? He wouldn’t be half as good as your boyfriend was. “Other men are disgusting, and I don’t know any women who would want to join in.”

Isack scoffed. “Men are disgusting? Merci beaucoup, Y/N.”

“I said, ‘other men’! You’re actually pretty hygienic,” you retorted defensively. “I only brought this up because the book I’m reading…It has a threesome in it. I thought it was really sexy. Also, you’re French, and a ménage à trois is as French as croissants or the Eiffel Tower.” And you were curious to see what his perspective was, but it was not going well!

“Well,” Isack blew out a breath, pondering. “It’s fine for other people, I guess. They can do what they want. I am not involved; it is their business to deal with. But I’m not interested in that for me. For us. You’re everything I need, and anyways, I don’t want to share you. Je t’aime absolument putain, OK?”

You kissed him on his forehead. “I understand, Isack. I love you too, and I hope you know I was not asking for one.”

“Good.” Isack touched your chin, his eyes searching yours. “Now can I get back to that video, or are you going to ask me any more questions?”

Credits: Dividers — @dollywons

[joelmillers-wife]

take my hand (joel miller x f!reader) chapter ten

18+, MDNI series masterlist: here | please check this for complete series warnings and tags | 🎵series playlist pairing: joel miller x f!reader chapter summary: conversations with joel and ellie help you after the events of the previous day  wc: 15k rating: this story is 18+ (minors, do not interact), there will be explicit smut in later chapters  chapter warnings and tags: cursing and tlou lore accurate outbreak content below, TW: topics discussing SA, trauma, vague mentions of ellie’s experience with david, tons of fluff, reader has no description besides she has hair and can be lifted, small mention of reader’s life before the outbreak, jackson!joel, age difference: reader is in her 30s and joel is in his 50s, sloooow burn spoiler tags… hehehehe, explicit smut, kissing, praise kink, dirty talk, oral (f!receiving), fingering, unprotected piv sex (unrealistic i know ok i’m just a girl with a breeding kink and a disinterest in getting pregnant alright sue me AND USE PROTECTION), soft!joel, joel talks you through it, begging?, creampie, aftercare, loss of virginity/first time, virgin!reader but not infantilizing, lmk if i missed anything!! a/n: sorry this took longer than i wanted! trying to edit while having a fever was not ideal and for obvious reasons… this chapter needed my full brain capacity to make perfect. my first time writing smut so i hope i did it justice. enjoy <3 ao3 | follow @writtenbynic and turn on notifications for chapters! dividers made by: @saradika-graphics , check them out!

previous chapter | next chapter

X. LIGHTNING CRASHES

I can feel it coming back again Like a rolling thunder chasing the wind Forces pulling from the center of the Earth again I can feel it

The following morning, you wake to the sounds of soft chatter downstairs and the smell of fresh eggs. When you open your eyes, squinting as you look around your room, you are capable of holding on to the ten seconds of peaceful bliss before you remember the events that occurred the previous day. It wasn’t a nightmare. It was real.

It’s an effort to blink the groggy feeling out of your eyes, turning in your bed to look towards your bedroom door that is still left partly open, left just as it was the night before by Joel. Focusing on your staircase, your ears pick up the voices you had heard—Joel and Tommy.

“... Came by to check how you both were doin’, didn’t find ya at your house,” you hear from Tommy.

“Stayed here for the night. Slept on her couch…”

Their voices fade away as they speak in hushed tones. You will yourself to get out of bed, glancing at the small radio clock on your bedside table that tells you it was noon. Jesus… you can’t remember a time sleeping in so late, even when your body was pushed past the point of exhaustion.

A piece of you wants to stay in bed for eternity and let the warmth and safety under the blankets take over you, but that isn’t you. You’ve dealt with horrors in this world—both from infected and from humans. You’d get past this. You’d move on. You know this, because you have in the past many times. It doesn’t make the feeling disappear, though.

Moving around your room, you hear the soft bang of your front door closing, signaling to you that Tommy has left. You make your way over to your bathroom, feet dragging behind you as you trudge your way across the carpeted floor. Your hand reaches out to flip the light switch and you come face to face with your mirror. With yourself.

The injuries shock you. Purple splotches cloud over your arms from where hands had grabbed at you, gripping you tightly. A small, thin line across your throat from the edge of the knife that pressed into your skin as you struggled, but not deep enough to cause a scar. Your eyes are heavy—red and puffy from tears and exhaustion. The only thing that doesn’t look disastrous is your hair, making you thankful that you washed away and worked through any knots or blood that may have been left in it.

No wonder Joel had looked at you the way he did last night.

You shake away the memory as best as you can, splashing cold water on your face before you head downstairs where the sounds of food sizzling in a pan travel from the kitchen and to your ears—the smell of breakfast foods being made becoming stronger as you reach the last step. Your footsteps softly pad across the wood floors, heading for the kitchen but stopping at your couch. A slight indent of a large body is left in the cushions with blankets neatly folded on one end of the couch. The sight makes you feel something you’re too hesitant to name, and you let yourself merely drag your fingertips across the back of the couch as you continue walking further into your home.

Reaching the kitchen, you lean on the edge of the archway and see Joel’s back to you as he flips eggs in your frying pan. You notice fresh orange juice in a pitcher on your small kitchen table that sits against one wall, space for three—something you didn’t think you needed when you first moved here that became something you were grateful for as the chairs were filled more often than not. 

You mutter a soft greeting to make Joel aware of your presence. He jumps slightly and turns around, a shocked laugh leaving him. “Jesus, didn’t even hear ya, darlin’.”

“Sorry, I just woke up and smelled food, so…”

He shakes his head lightly at you. “Nothin’ to say sorry for. I woke up a bit ago. Decided to make us some food ‘cause I figured you would be up soon.”

He quirks his head as if he remembers something and looks at you with a wince. “Hope I didn’t wake you up with Tommy. He stopped by to check in with us and see how you were holdin’ up.”

“You didn’t, don’t worry,” you reassure him. A small smile grows on your face before you’re able to stop it, his consideration of you making you feel lighter. “Feels weird waking up this late but… I feel a little better.”

His eyes are big and round in momentary surprise until his features smooth out to match your smile. “I’m glad.”

“How’d you sleep? Couch okay?”

Joel laughs and turns back to continue cooking. “Couch ain’t the worst thing I’ve slept on. I’ve never been the best sleeper so it just took a sec to pass out. Think just sleepin’ under the same roof as you gave me some peace more than anythin’.”

His head jerks in the direction of a coffee pot in one corner of your kitchen counters, his voice kicking up in slight excitement. “Oh, got some coffee started for us. Why don’t you sit down and we’ll eat for a bit.”

Joel turns the stove off, leaving the pan on the hot circle to let it finish cooking. As you push your body off the doorframe, he makes his way over to the table to pull out a chair for you and beckons you to sit. You make your way over to sit and eye him as he moves with fluidity through your kitchen space, grabbing plates from the cupboards and filling two of them with eggs and toast, bringing them over to you and setting each of them in front of your respective chairs.

He fills up glasses of orange juice and coffee for the both of you, which you graciously accept, taking a drink from your orange juice as you begin to eat and setting the warm coffee mug in one corner of the table.

You both eat silently for a few minutes until Joel quips up with, “Tommy said he wants you off for a few days, take some time for yourself. If you want somethin’ to do, there’s some help that could be needed ‘round town.”

You nod, feeling grateful instead of protesting against the offer. For once you want to stay home for as long as they’d allow. “How about you?”

Joel swallows a large gulp of coffee before he responds. “Same, essentially. M’okay to go back on patrol…” 

His words trail off when he sees your eyes go slightly wide before you can help yourself, but he’s quick to clarify. “But, I rather stay here in town for as long as you need. And don’t start feelin’ bad. I’m choosin’ to stay off patrol ‘cause I want to, okay?”

He gives you a knowing look as if waiting for you to make some comment, pointing at you with a fork in his hand as a playful warning that makes you giggle. “Okay, okay. I won’t,” you reply, hands raised up in mock surrender.

Joel’s face relaxes into a tender look at the sound of your laughter. He moves to get up, putting the dishes away when both of you have finished your food. Speaking as he walks towards the sink to put the dishes in there, he says, “Only thing is Maria and Tommy want me to come by their place to talk more ‘bout…”

He trails off as his demeanor hardens and you see the muscles in his back tense up—the fabric of his shirt rippling with the movement. After a moment, he turns to look back at you still sitting at the table. “I’ll only be gone a few hours. If you want me to come back here after, I can.”

You find yourself nodding embarrassingly quickly, but Joel only seems to be relieved at your answer.

He looks around the room, searching for anything else he needs to do. “Alright, um… you gonna be okay here? Do you need anythin’?”

“I’ll be alright,” you say. He gives you a questionable look, not from judgement but from nerves, before you stand up and make your way in front of him. Something in you compels you to reach out and grab his hand, watching him looking down at your hands intertwined. “I promise, Joel. I feel a bit better. Swear I won’t act the way I did yesterday.”

Joel still looks down at your hands clasped together with his own. He takes a stuttering breath in before he looks up at you, the tension in his shoulders dropping at your touch. “Ain’t nothin’ wrong with how you acted, sweetheart. I’d never be upset with you if you were still like that.”

His doubt and uneasiness about your current state makes sense to you—you know he only wants to double check for your own sake. Thinking about how you prove to him you mean what you say, you decide to move your hand laying in his to adjust your grip until you interlock your pinky finger with his.

Without looking down, Joel feels your finger around his and breaks into a grin. “Alright then. Good.”

You walk him over to your door, Joel not leaving until he promises once more that he will be back as soon as he is able. Shutting the door behind him, you press your back against it and stare around your house and try to figure out what to do. You decide to do what you have always done when you feel anxious. Cleaning. 

A full deep clean of your whole house all at once, something you have done quite a few times during your stay in Jackson as it helped distract you from any stress or overthinking your mind had sucked you into. 

Putting a vinyl onto your record player, you allow your mind to shut off for the next couple hours as your body succumbs to the routine—moving with ease as you dust and wipe down various items in your home. You find yourself harshly scrubbing over multiple spots again and again, unloading your emotions into the tasks and desperately trying to make everything new again. Like you wish you could do with yourself.

As evening approaches, you still feel unclean. A feeling that has been hovering over you since you got back to Jackson last night. A quick glance at the clock tells you that Joel wouldn’t be back for quite some time, so you settle on the decision to take another shower—one that’s longer than last night as you remove the crawling feeling over your skin, doing your best to force yourself into feeling like you again. 

After however long you spend under the hot water, you eventually reach down to turn the knob shut and step out onto the small rug placed outside the tub. You work quickly and diligently to dry off your body, shaking out most of the water from your hair before moving into your bedroom to get dressed. You keep it simple, something soft and loose and cozy. Something that brings you comfort.

When putting on the last article of clothing, you hear knocking at your front door. Your face scrunches up in confusion considering Joel has a key that he always used when you were expecting him. Regardless, you rush to straighten out your clothing and walk downstairs to greet him.

“Ellie?”

She looks relieved when she sees you. “Hi…”

“Is everything okay?” You’re startled but not unhappy to see her here. It just had been some time since she had come over.

She hesitates for a moment until she says, “Yeah. I mean, no. I mean, like, I’m fine, I just…”

Her words trail off and you take notice of the worried lines that are etched on her face, combined with what looks like a glassy look in her eyes as she mumbles out, “Joel– I ran into him while he was with Tommy and they told me about…”

You nod knowingly, silently encouraging her to continue. “I just wanted to check on you. I… I feel like a really shitty person for not seeing you much lately.”

A sad laugh spills out of you. “Oh, Ellie…” You beckon her to come inside and she waits behind you while you close the door. 

The moment the lock clicks, you barely have time to turn back around when you’re met with a sudden hug from Ellie—your body stumbling for a second at the unexpected force before you steady yourself. Your arms hover over her at first, not knowing what to do. She’s hugged you before, sure. Mainly out of gratitude or excitement for something. But never like this.

Ellie’s head burrows further into your chest and you hear small sniffles come from her. The sound makes you wrap your arms around her instantly, settling one of your hands on the back of her head as you pet her hair. 

After a few moments, she mutters an apology into your shirt and you pull yourself back to look at her directly, holding both sides of her face in your hands. “Honey, you have no reason to be apologizing.”

She sniffles again, wiping away a few stray tears. “I just… Fuck, man. I feel bad I haven’t seen you much. Then something like… this happens and I wouldn’t have been able—”

Your heart breaks as she cuts herself off, her emotions seeming to get the best of her. You do your best to convey your reassurance to her, dipping your head low to meet her eyes and smile. “You’re a teenager, Ellie. I don’t expect you to hang out with old people all the time when you make new friends. I’m glad you have people to be around.”

She smiles back, a teasing glint in her eye that has you feeling relieved. “You’re not as old as Joel, if it makes you feel better.”

“Wow, yeah. That makes me feel so much better, thank you for that.”

She giggles at you before pulling away completely and looking back into your house. “Could I, uh, stay here for a bit? Joel said he’d be back soon, he just wanted to shower before coming here because he ended up working on fixing some things with Tommy. I have dinner with Dina and Jesse at his mom’s place later, but I wanted to see you first.”

You nod before she can even finish speaking. “Of course you can hang out here.”

Her bright smile fills you with joy while watching her bounce on the balls of her feet lightly, her child-like spirit from when you first met her coming back in that moment. “Good, because I brought some newer volumes of Savage Starlight that I gotta catch you up on!”

Ellie doesn’t hesitate to make her way to your couch, jumping on it before reaching into her backpack to pull out the comics and spread them over your coffee table. As you walk around the couch to join her, tucking your legs beneath you, you feel overwhelmed at how quickly and simply one kid can make you feel eons better. 

You lean over to pick up one of the comics in an attempt to flip through them and refresh your memory, but you stop yourself when you see her face has become more serious, making you grow concerned. “Are you okay?”

Ellie thinks about it for a moment, eyes on the ground as she bites the inside of her cheek before she turns her body to face you, propping one leg underneath her. You shift yourself to face her directly as well, letting one arm rest on top of the back of the couch to give her your full attention.

“When I first traveled with Joel, years ago, we ran into a group.” She pauses, looking to you for confirmation that she’s free to speak. You nod to show you were listening and move your hand to rest on top of her shoulder soothingly.

She lets out a shaky sigh and you notice her begin to pinch the skin around her tattoo nervously. “They, um… they weren’t good people. Joel was sick and they took me.”

You take a sharp breath in but make no attempt to stop her. “Um… basically, they were just really fucking creepy… men. Nothing happened really, just… they wanted to hurt me, or something.”

Rage builds inside you as you process her words and their implications—her emphasis on the last word making bile creep up your throat. She was so young. Is so young, still, yet knowing how much has happened to her makes you sick. Sick of the world and the kinds of people that existed. The fact that the life you live in is already so cruel and scary, and you can’t even find peace in living in the midst of it all. 

You internally tell yourself to calm down and give her the chance to continue before responding.

She takes a deep breath before looking at you. “It stopped before… anything happened. I promise. Just, I wanted to say I’m sorry for what happened to you and I want to be there for you, if you need. And… don’t let shit like this take over you completely and push people away. I did that, and it was stupid. You can’t let it consume you. It’s okay to need people. Let yourself rely on others. If we don’t, then what’s the point of being alive?”

Her words stun you into silence, only able to take them in as tears silently fall down your face. You suddenly surge forward to bring her into a tight hug, holding her against you and whispering into her hair. “Thank you, Ellie. I’m so sorry, I…” Your thoughts trail off as you squeeze your eyes shut, running your hands over her back soothingly. “I’ll always be here for you, too. Okay?”

You feel slight shaking from her for only a couple seconds before she mutters into your shoulder. “Love you, dude.”

You let out a laugh that sounds like a sob as you pull back smiling at her, rubbing your thumbs over her cheeks and smoothing her hair out of her face. “Thanks… dude.”

She laughs and playfully shoves your arm. “Fuck off and say it back.”

You smile so hard it hurts your cheeks, unable to stop even if you wanted to. “I love you too, Ellie.”

She sighs deeply, shaking her head and blinking away tears from her eyes to move the conversation forward. Turning her attention back to the comics, she slaps her hands on the tops of her thighs gently as she grabs a book from the spread she made. “Okay, so in this volume…”

The next two hours are spent just talking with each other—about the comics and about things happening in your lives. She updates you on school subjects, discussing the topics with disinterest until mentioning the week they they learned about astronomy and the history of the Mesozoic era.

Somewhere along the way, the topic turns into her asking about your love life.

“Nonexistent,” you say bluntly with a short laugh.

Ellie eyes you with a doubtful look. “Really?”

Her tone puzzles you until you see a smirk on her lips, your eyes widening from her implication. A deadpan look is the only way you respond to her before you change the subject. 

“How about you, huh? Everything good with you and Cat?”

Her eyes widen for a moment before she seems to recover. “What do you mean about me and Cat?”

Her reaction makes you confused before you clarify. “Like… you don’t talk about her much anymore. I’ve seen you spend more time with Dina lately. Is Cat a shitty friend?”

Ellie lets out a quick exhale. “Oh. Yeah, no, we’re still… friends, I guess. Dina doesn’t like her much, says Cat is ‘not good news’.” Looking off to the side, her face twists into annoyance. “As if she can really be one to talk. Her and Jesse have this weird on and off tension,” she shudders at the thought. “Gonna suck when Dina most likely gets paired on patrols with Jesse as her partner.”

The two of you are distracted when you both hear the lock of your door turn. Your attention shifts over to watch as Joel comes through, his usual dark jeans and brown coat adorning his body and the dark of the evening looming behind him. He steps in with one foot before lifting his head and freezing in the door, a surprised and apologetic look on his face.

“Sorry,” he says timidly. “Am I interruptin’ girl talk?”

Ellie turns back to you and mutters, “Speaking of partners…”

You send her a warning glare before she puts her hands up innocently. “What? You guys are ‘patrol partners’,” she says while putting air quotes around the last two words.

You playfully slap her arm, hearing her snicker and say ow, before you shake away her comment and turn your attention back to Joel. “Not interrupting. Ellie just stopped by to show me some of her new comics she found.”

Joel smiles, stepping inside fully and raising himself on his toes for a second to peer over at your coffee table to see what comic you two were currently looking at. “Ah, yeah, she told me ‘bout that one.”

Ellie looks between you two for a moment, then begins moving to gather all her comics and shove them into her backpack before standing up with you. “Well… I better go. Jesse’s mom is gonna be pissed if I’m late again. I’ll leave you two crazy kids at it.”

Joel snickers at her. “Now who sounds old?”

Ellie rolls her eyes at him. “Literally still you, dude.”

She says her goodbyes to you with a quick hug, giving Joel a nod as she goes to the door and swings it open before calling out behind her, “Make good choices!”

Her words make you wince when remembering what she had asked just moments ago, but Joel is none the wiser about the meaning behind them.

You take a second to look at him more clearly, noticing his hair is wet and slicked back a bit, a few strands curling in the front. You remember Ellie telling you he would stop at his place to take care of a few things and shower before coming here.

“How was everything with Tommy?”

He rolls his eyes. “Damn idiot roped me into fixin’ up some stuff at the bar. Had to hear Seth’s fuckin’ mouth run for hours. Almost wringed his damn neck.”

You smirk and ask, “Tommy’s neck or Seth’s?”

He snorts, eyes going wide dramatically for a second. “Both. At the same time.”

His response makes your shoulders shake with laughter, which has Joel looking at you sideways with a twitching smile. “You seem more yourself… Did Ellie spike your drink or somethin’?”

“No, no. She just… We had a good talk. Hadn’t gotten to see her much so it was nice catching up.” You tilt your head as a joking thought comes to you. “You know, she gives eerily good advice for someone so young. You think Jackson needs another therapist?”

Joel barks out a laugh at that. “Don’t know how many people could tolerate a shrink swearin’ every three words. Best to keep that occupation for Gail.”

“You know what… fair enough, actually.”

The two of you stand there in silence for a second while you shift on your feet. “Do you… wanna watch a movie or something?” You offer.

Joel seems to remember something. “Actually, I thought we could sit out on your porch swing. The weather's a bit cool tonight, so I thought it might be nice?”

There’s an uncertainty in his voice that makes you quickly reassure him by eagerly nodding, stopping at your coat rack near the door to get a sweater shawl to wear outside before following him. Despite being the summer, the air still got cooler as the sun fades away.

When you walk out, you see him leaning against your porch railing waiting for you. Your porch lights light up the profile of his face as he looks off to the side, hitting his skin and encasing him in a warm glow. Hearing you step out, he lifts off of the wooden beam and holds your swing steady as you sit on one side, folding your legs underneath you as you sit sideways. You settle your shawl over your shoulders, resting your face against your hand as you lean your arm on the back of the swing.

You glance up to see Joel still standing in front of you, fidgeting on his feet. With a frown, you ask, “You okay?”

He just nods, mostly to himself, like he’s trying to convince himself of his answer. After a brief pause, he glances to the opposite corner of your porch that’s too dark in the shadows for you to see. “I, uh… I brought somethin’...”

Walking over to that corner, you watch Joel pull a guitar that had apparently been leaning up against the brick wall. At the sight, your eyes light up and your mouth parts open—trying, yet failing, to not to startle him with your excitement. 

You close your mouth shut, keeping your lips pressed tightly together, but Joel had already seen your enthusiasm. He just huffs out a laugh and clears his throat, holding the guitar in front of him as he walks back over to the swing. “Promised I’d play for you one day. Only if you want–”

“Yes, please.”

With a shy smile, he sits down next to you and props the guitar on his lap, placing his hands on the strings accordingly.

“You gonna sing for me, Miller?”

Joel glances up at you, catching your smirk and laughing as his cheeks flush. “Not that confident yet… but maybe one day I will.”

His attention moves back to the guitar, his face shifted into concentration. You take notice of his hands trembling as he holds the instrument, showing you his nerves to play for you.

Without thinking, you reach out and place one hand against his arm in hopes of settling his anxiety. At your touch, his face turns to look down at where your skin meets the sleeve of his jacket, and watch his body physically sag as the tension leaves him.

The contact only lasts a few seconds before you pull away and allow him to move freely in order to play. With a shaky deep breath in, Joel closes his eyes and begins playing. 

The notes sound beautiful as you attentively sit and watch his fingers move with ease over the chords. The music has a small smile dancing on your lips, but after about ten seconds of playing, you let out a gasp—your body going stiff when you recognize the song and a wave of emotion hits you.

It was your favorite song. Lightning Crashes by Live, from 1994. The song your dad would play for you in the car repeatedly until you knew every word. Back in a time where you had no worries.

Joel doesn’t know that fact, but you know he does know your reaction when you had found it in a pile of vinyls at some abandoned store a few months back. The way you froze when you found it just laying at the top of a pile left on the floor, long forgotten and discarded over the years. How Joel sharply turned around when he heard your loud gasp and thought you had been in danger, only for him to shift into a look of amused bewilderment when you kept repeating oh my god, over and over again.

From that day on, you played the song every chance you got—Joel and Ellie hearing it endlessly for days on end. Ellie playfully picking on you and saying you would get sick of it having it on repeat for so long. But you knew you never could.

A stinging feeling in your eyes has you blinking furiously, but not wiping away the tears that formed and begin to trickle down your cheeks. Joel plays the chords flawlessly. His fingers move with such precision that you believe he had played this many times before, as if he had spent time practicing the song repeatedly to get it perfect. And it was. He was.

The pacing and volume of the notes begin to pick up, signaling to you that he was reaching your favorite part. The one that would have you screaming with your father. The part you’d mouth the lyrics to around Ellie and Joel.

It’s then that you hear another sound and realize Joel was softly humming the words to himself. The apples of your cheeks began to hurt from how wide you were grinning, the movement in your face only letting more tears slip out and drop onto your shirt.

Eventually the chords fade out and Joel stills his hands on the instrument, his eyes opening to stare down at his lap as you both sit quietly.

“That bad, huh?” He tries to joke, insecurity dripping into his tone from your silence.

After a beat, you softly call his name, prompting him to look at you. He slowly lifts his head to meet your gaze and relief courses through him at the sight. You sit before him with tears falling silently and your lips pressed tightly in a smile in an effort to not let a sob escape you. 

To Joel, the way you look at him right now with so much adoration in your eyes, makes his chest constrict.

“Hope those are happy tears, darlin’.”

You laugh, or try to—the noise being a slightly choked sound in the process. “Joel… that was beautiful.” 

Your compliment and the emphasis you put in your words has Joel’s face and neck feel warm. He leans forward to rest his guitar against the porch railing in front of him. As he settles back into the swing, you feel his body freeze in shock when you suddenly throw yourself at him to wrap your arms around his neck. Pressing your face into his shoulder, you’re hit with a scent of vanilla and sandalwood that makes your head dizzy.

Joel’s quick to wrap his arms around you in return when his mind catches up to the moment, letting his body relax at the feeling of you in his arms again. This time, though, it feels different.

You shift your face to bring your lips towards his ear and whisper a soft, “Thank you,” trying your best to pour the extent of your emotions into two simple words.

After some time, you reluctantly slip your arms from his neck and pull away, leaning your side back into the swing. Joel adjusts himself to face you directly and rests his arm on the back of the swing, delicately playing with the fluff of your sweater on your shoulder.

“So, you like the song choice?”

You give him an incredulous look that makes him laugh. “It was perfect. I’m more surprised you weren’t too sick of hearing that song so much to want to learn how to play it.”

He smirks and moves his eyes across your face. “It’s a good song. I probably liked it even more because of how you are when you listen to it.”

The hint of shyness in his voice at the end makes you smile before you begin to ask him details of the song—finding out that when you had seen his guitar and asked to hear him play, he wanted to find a good song for you. Then, that night the two of you and Ellie played cards, you had put that song on and ended up moving the needle back at least six times before letting the next song selection play. When he had taken a look at the vinyl cover, he recognized it from when you had first found it on patrol with him, and knew it was the only choice.

You hear about how often he practiced to get the song down right, but that he was quick to memorize the chords. The topic transitions into you asking him more about his skill with the instrument and realizing he had been playing for a very long time, and actually took it very seriously in his earlier years.

Joel shares with you that having Sarah so young forced him to find a different career path—all the singing and playing at bars not being enough to support her. He tells you stories of how he’d play and sing lullabies to her as she grew up, whether it was to help her sleep or soothe her after a bad day, and that he dreamed of teaching her how to play one day. 

“She was too focused on soccer to start practicin’ regularly, but I did teach her some notes,” he says, his voice turning quiet and sad as the concept of not having enough time kicks in. You lean your head to lay on his arm splayed across the swing, and you see his attention turn from his lap and onto you before one corner of his mouth pulls up.

The two of you go into easy conversations talking about anything and everything. Discussing likes, dislikes, favorite things, hobbies you both had before the outbreak, what life was like in general for either of you. This continues on for a couple hours as you both flow and switch between topics, the sky growing darker as the moon becomes visible. 

You take note of how the evening has made you feel a million times lighter and in general more at ease. It’s something you wouldn’t have thought possible before Jackson. Before Ellie. Joel.

Ellie’s words from earlier ring through your mind—this moment with Joel making you understand her fully. You had always forced yourself to shove things down. Always needing to move on quickly and relying on only yourself for so long. You think back to Joel’s interactions with you over time. How often he helped you, and how insistent he always is to let him help you. 

Ellie, who’s presence alone fills you with a level of joy and love you didn’t think was possible. Just today, seeing her and spending time with her made you forget your troubles, even if for a brief moment. The way that Tommy and Maria have shown you so much kindness and grace this whole time—how they even brought you here and gave you a chance in the first place.

Your fight with Joel in the comic book store almost a year ago comes to you, and the memory has you feeling stunned at how different your relationship with Joel was compared to how. The way you told him no one needs you, contrasting with Ellie’s advice from earlier.

She was right. You have to allow people to feel needed by you.

Your thoughts drift away and you come back to Joel talking about his love of coffee, saying that he was an addict for it before the outbreak. Considering how he always trades whatever he has to restock on some coffee beans, you aren’t shocked to find this passion had existed in a time long before now.

In the midst of his story, he seems to remember something. “By the way, when I was makin’ breakfast for us earlier, I saw you didn’t have much coffee grounds left.”

Realization strikes you, and you quickly try to reassure him you don’t mind. Shaking his head, he persists. “Nah, I feel bad I’m always takin’ ‘em from ya. I’ll make sure to bring you fresh ones next time someone comes through with ‘em, yeah?”

You sit and stare at your lap, twisting your fingers nervously. “Joel… I, uh, I gotta tell you something.”

He focuses on you with a serious face, straightening his posture to give you the place to speak freely. 

You look at him sideways as you force out the words. “I… I don’t actually like coffee.”

There’s a pause before Joel laughs. “Yes you do?” He says, chuckling while a frown flickers on his face. “You drink it all the time. Darlin’, you drank it this mornin’?”

His voice kicking up at the end makes you smile nervously. “I never really drank it. I always just kinda… hold the mug to act like I did.”

Joel’s brows furrow close together, staring at you for a beat before looking off into the front yard. He thinks for a moment and turns back to you. “Huh?”

“Yeah,” you say, wincing. “I sorta, kinda, really hate coffee.”

He stares at you while trying to process your words carefully. “But you always got coffee grounds here?”

His cluelessness has you fighting back a laugh. 

“Well, yeah, because I know how much you love coffee.” 

Joel’s eyes flit around as he wracks through his brain, trying to recall previous experiences you two have had. You continue and say, “I mean, think about it—I am always drinking and making tea. If I make coffee, it’s because it’s for you. And if I have a mug, it’s because you were the one to give it to me.”

The dramatic look on Joel’s face has you breaking, unable to stop the giggle as you watch him act like his whole world view just shifted.

His eyes widen slightly, shaking his head and looking around before focusing back on you and squinting in curiosity. “Holy… Are you even who you say you are?”

You bring a hand up to cover your mouth, muffling the sounds of your laughter. “What the fuck do you mean you don’t like coffee? It’s the best thing ever invented. I mean, hell, only psychopaths don’t like coffee.”

You catch the playful edge to his offended tone and throw your head back to laugh out loud. You lightly smack the side of his arm and give him a pointed look. “Hey, Ellie doesn’t like coffee,” you say, attempting to defend your point.

That only makes Joel’s eye go wide and throw his hands out. “That’s my damn point, sweetheart!”

You struggle to speak for a moment before saying, “Well, I’m really sorry to break it to you, honey.”

You don’t even realize what you say at first, just freely speaking without thinking when the word comes to you naturally. Joel, on the other hand, did notice.

Right away, his teasingly offended nature dissipates and his smile from your laughter drops completely. At his expression, you’re confused for a split second until your mind catches up to your words from moments ago and you freeze—your laughter ceasing as heat rushes to your cheeks.

You’ve heard those kinds of names from Joel all the time. Darlin’. Sweetheart. All something that you stopped searching for a deeper meaning in them, chalking it up to be a result of being from Texas—his southern drawl letting the terms of endearment slip freely.

But, you. You have never reciprocated the sentiment. Until now. And you both know it.

The two of you stare at each other, both slightly shocked and unsure what to say, your chests picking up rapidly from quick breathing. You part your lips, intending to say something, anything, but nothing comes to mind and you’re left opening and closing your mouth like a fish. The movement on your face has Joel’s eyes dropping to stare at your mouth, and you find yourself doing the same to him.

He blinks once, and for a moment you think you see his body lean towards yours, not even an inch, before a shrieking laugh from down the road catches your attention. The sound makes you both jump and look in the direction to see a group of young adults stumbling down the road, most likely returning home from the Tipsy Bison.

Watching them for a moment, you keep your face turned away from Joel’s and shut your eyes, internally cursing yourself as that embarrassment comes back.

You find the courage to look back to Joel to see him staring down at his hands, almost like he’s offended by them. Suddenly, he clears his throat and shifts his body forward and away from you. Placing his hands on his thighs, he pushes himself to stand with a soft grunt. “Looks like it’s gettin’ late. You should probably head to bed.”

The tone in his voice makes you think he is uncertain of the decision, forcing himself to believe his own words. Regardless, he puts his hand out for you to grab and let him help pull you up. With a sigh to yourself, you let your shoulders sag and place your hand into his—the warmness of your palm in his rough ones making heat spread through the both of you, unaware of the effect you have on each other.

You wordlessly let him guide you inside first before he turns to grab his guitar and bring it inside, setting it on the back of your couch.

For a moment, you shift on your feet while you watch Joel gently shut the door behind him. You notice him lingering his palm against the door with his back to you and see the rapid rise and fall of his back.

Tension seems to radiate in the air around you—the interruption leaving you annoyed like a child throwing a tantrum, but you bottle that feeling and shove it down.

Joel slowly turns around with his head bowed until he faces you and looks up into your eyes, flicking his own between them. He shakes away a thought, looking off to the side and clearing his throat. A deep frown stays etched onto his face as he speaks, his voice coming out thick and deep. “Um, did you want me to…”

His wrist flicks as he gestures towards the couch, wondering if you wanted him to stay the night over here again. 

You shake your head. “I’ll be okay on my own tonight. I feel more safe, and uh… I don’t wanna make you spend another night on that thing.” What you don’t say is that you do want him to stay over. Not because you didn’t want to be alone, but because you wanted to be around him.

Joel chews on the inside of his cheek as he nods, his fingers twitching at his sides and he balls his hands into fists and flexes them.

You linger expectedly, hoping for some sign of… something. The thought is useless when Joel briefly passes his eyes over you and says, “Well… g’night, then.”

He turns his back to you and heads towards the door. You look down at your feet and shut your eyes, sighing to yourself. Stupid… so stupid.

With his hand on the doorknob, Joel stands at the door hesitantly. You lift your head and frown as you wait. Did he need something?

You see the profile of his face as he hovers near the door, his face pinched in concentration as he takes a deep breath in before lifting his head towards you. The intensity of his gaze makes the air feel like it’s been sucked out of you. Your expression twitches in confusion while you watch him study you, thoughts racing through his head that you try to decipher through his eyes.

A few seconds pass when you see Joel’s face settle, his mind seeming to have made some decision unbeknownst to you. His face twists up in a mix of pain and frustration before he mutters, “Oh, fuckin’ hell.”

With those words, he crosses the short distance between you two with three long strides, grabbing both sides of your face with his hands and tilting his head to capture your lips with his own.

The action has your body stumble to try and find your balance. The force in which he collided with you makes you think he was too impatient to stop in front of you first—the only thing on his mind being to get to you as soon as possible. Doing this.

A brief pause goes by for your brain to catch up with what’s happening, and you move your lips against his own while grabbing the sides of his shirt to steady yourself, both physically and mentally.

You feel and hear Joel take a deep inhale through his nose once he feels your response, kissing you with more purpose like he was holding back in case the kiss was unwanted on your end. The intensity of his kiss has a quiet whimper leaving you, in turn making a rumbling groan come from the back of Joel’s throat.

Your hands slide up his side and wrap around the back of his neck to hold him closer to you while his own hands shift from your face and into your hair, holding the back of your head gently.

Eventually, his kisses become more slow and languid as he draws back just enough to press his forehead against yours. You both stare at each other’s mouths that are left parted open from the heavy breathing leaving you both. Joel tilts his head slightly to get a full view of your face, giving you time to study his as well. The pupils of his eyes are blown wide until there’s more black than brown. His lips are red and swollen from your kisses, his cheeks flushed.

His eyes dart across your face, unable to find anywhere to settle as he looks from your lips to your eyes, like he’s trying to memorize the way you look in this exact moment. The gleam in his eyes has your breath hitch in your throat. 

His features soften as he brings his hands to hold your face, gently rubbing his thumbs across the apple of your cheeks. You watch his gaze land on your lips before he softly laughs, his face breaking into what you think has to be the most beautiful smile you have ever seen.

“Was that okay?” He asks in a whispered tone.

The tension in your body melts as you laugh in response to his question, your smile matching his own. “More than okay.”

His brows push together and raise up slightly in the middle, his eyes so soft. “You have no idea how fuckin’ long I’ve wanted to do that, darlin’.”

The admittance makes your head spin. “Can’t be much longer than me.”

He breathes out a laugh at that. “You tellin’ me I could’ve done this sooner?” 

You shrug with a teasing smirk. “Guess so, Miller.”

He shakes his head slowly with a lazy half-smile on his face. “Nothin’ but trouble,” he mutters, to himself more than to you. Looking back down to your lips, he breathes a question. “Can I kiss you again?”

Your answer comes in the form of placing your hands on the tops of his shoulders and bringing yourself towards him again. Joel meets you halfway and sighs into your mouth at your approval. You feel his tongue lightly run over your lips, silently seeking permission. You welcome the offer and part your lips, feeling his tongue dip into the parted space and swirling it with your own.

The two of you stand there for however long, your tongues dancing as your hands roam over each other’s bodies, until you both pull back to catch your breath for a moment. That brief period of time you spend not touching each other makes the air shift. The tension that hangs in the air becomes more charged, nearly choking you. The need and impatience you had silently shared without the other knowing seems to snap—having waited so long for something that feels so good. Internally cursing yourselves for not doing anything sooner.

You look up to meet Joel’s eyes, listening to the sounds of your breathing mingling in with the soft tick of the clock in your living room, when you both share a silent agreement. You collide with one another once more, your lips moving against each other more urgently. Hungrier. 

Suddenly, Joel’s moving your bodies until your back hits the bottom of your staircase railing. He shifts you around the corner of it, both of you scrambling up the steps and only separating every couple seconds to make sure you don’t blindly trip on the way up. Somewhere along the way your sweater and his coat are discarded hastily in an effort to appease the heat growing between you two, while also trying to get closer.

Reaching your bedroom door, your back hits it softly before you push it open behind you with frantic hands fumbling to find the doorknob. Once you hear the sound of the knob turning, Joel brings his hand up to forcibly push the door open and into the bedroom. As you step in, he turns you and presses you against the wall beside your door. His hands come up to rest against the wall on either of your face, caging you in.

Joel rips himself away from you to look down at you with a disheveled look. “Darlin’, you sure you wanna do this?”

You impatiently nod your head, fully aware of what you want, and lean forward to kiss him again before being stopped when he pulls his face back another inch.

Raising his brows, he speaks your name in a more serious tone. “I need you to say it.”

“Yes,” you breathe.

He gulps as he looks to your lips before shaking his head to focus, not wanting to get distracted. “I’m serious. I gotta… darlin’, I need to make sure. After everythin’ yesterday I–”

He cuts himself off, closing his eyes tightly for a moment before opening them and looking to the floor. You bring your hands to either side of his face in an effort to coax him into looking at you.

“Joel…”

His eyes fall shut at the sound of you calling his name, your voice soothing to him. When he opens his eyes to yours, he sees nothing but certainty in them. 

“I promise you, I am okay. I want this. I want you. Regardless of what happened, I know how I feel. I’ve known for a while. I… I’ve wanted this for a while,” you say, gesturing between the two of you. “And I don’t just mean the physicality of it. I just mean… all of you. You’re what I want.”

Joel’s eyes flick between yours while scanning your face for any signs of doubt, but finding none. His own desire fights to take over, making him sigh and rest his forehead on yours.

You see his shoulders relax and feel his hand come up in between your bodies. Looking down, you see him holding his right hand with his pinky finger sticking out. Biting back a smile, you return the gesture to him, your agreement having Joel immediately leaning forward to steal your lips into a kiss the moment he felt the first touch of your finger wrapping around his.

Your body arches off the door and into him more and more as he deepens the kiss further, more frenzied as his own body leans naturally into yours. It feels as though this is a release of every single moment that has come before tonight begging to be let out—the both of you desperately needing to feel the other as close as humanly possible.

Joel lifts you off of the wall to bring you over to your bed, laying you down before stepping back. You scoot your body further up the bed towards your pillows, your hands braced against the comforter as Joel begins to remove his shirt while standing at the foot of your bed. Your throat goes dry at the sight of his exposed skin. 

Sure, you knew he was broad. You’ve seen the expanse of his shoulders when he’s not wearing his thick winter coats. You’ve seen him wear t-shirts all the time in the warmer seasons. Seen the way the fabric would cling to his back and highlight the hard lines of his body as he sweat under the sun. But nothing could make you feel any less in awe at the man standing before you. Large, toned arms lay at this side. Muscles flexing as he works his shirt over his head and throws it somewhere in your room. Graying hair scattered across his chest that, as your eyes move down his body, you notice a trail of thicker, darker hair disappearing below the belt of his jeans. His soft tummy on display contrasting the hardness that is prominent in other parts of his body.

“Like what you see?”

You flinch at the words, not realizing how long you had been staring. You see a smirk on Joel’s face and your cheeks turn bright red from having been caught in your obvious gawking.

He saves you from embarrassment by kneeling onto the bed and crawling over to you, leaning you back so you lay with your head against the pillows. His body settles over yours, making your legs part instinctively to make space for him, and cups your face with one hand while using his other to roam across your body as he kisses you.

His hand travels down over your mid-section and lands at the bottom of your shirt, wrapping his finger around the hem and begins lifting the fabric. A sliver of your stomach gets exposed to the cool air, shocking you into focus as you suddenly break away and place your hands on his arms to stop him.

“Wait.”

Joel immediately stops, hovering his body higher over yours to give you more space as he looks down at you with concern filling his features. “What is it?”

You momentarily freeze, the realization making you suddenly nervous for his reaction.

At your silence, Joel becomes increasingly worried and rushes out to say, “Darlin’, if you wanna stop then you say the word and we stop.”

You shake your head assuredly. “No!” The word comes out in a panic and you take a slow breath in to compose yourself. “No, it’s not that I– I don’t want to stop, I swear.”

Joel’s worry lessens, his face softening a little. He gently responds, “Okay. What is it, then? What’s wrong?” 

You squeeze your eyes shut, anxiety building in you, but he only reassures further. “Sweetheart, whatever it is, I promise you can tell me.”

Opening your eyes, you keep your gaze trained to his chest to avoid making eye contact with him as you talk. “I… I’ve never…”

You weren’t embarrassed about your lack of experience. The world being what it is, and it starting during your time as an adolescent, made it so intimacy and having a partner was never high on your list of priorities, if at all. It did, however, worry you that Joel wouldn’t want this with you right now.

He remains silent for a moment before he gently speaks your name, giving you the push to raise your eyes up to his. What you see is not judgment, but soft understanding with a firm look in his eyes.

He knows what you mean and sits there silently. You’re unsure of what to say until he slowly brings his face down to press a slower kiss that relaxes your body. He pulls back slightly to place a quick kiss to your bottom lip before lifting his head to look at you more directly.

“Promise that’s okay, darlin’. Ain’t gonna change anythin’ for me, alright?”

You nod at him. The fact you hadn’t done anything before doesn’t deter you from wanting this with him—you just wanted him to know beforehand. 

Joel looks at you with a more serious yet still tender gaze. “You still sure ‘bout this?”

You wordlessly nod, but he pushes for more. “M’serious, baby. Any point you wanna stop or slow down at all you–”

The name, mixed with the safety and trust he provides you with his words, makes you cut him off by impatiently pulling his face down to you. The force of it makes his balance above you stumble for a bit before he mutters a curse under his breath.

You take control of the decision by taking his hand and guiding it to the hem of your shirt like it was a moment ago. Feeling your eager initiative, you feel the vibrations of him moaning into your mouth before you hear it—the noise causing a whimper to leave the back of your throat as your mind becomes clouded in euphoria.

Grabbing onto the bottom of your shirt, he slowly lifts it up your body and over your head as you lean forward to help him. Discarding your shirt somewhere across the room, he takes a second to look down at you, slowly admiring you as you did him. Although your anxiety from the newness of this moment makes you unable to match the confident and teasing look he had minutes before, even though you try.

His eyes travel over your body and come back up to your face where he notices the hesitation in your eyes—the way your hands twitch at your sides as you fight the urge to cover yourself.

Joel brings his hand to hold your face and comes close enough to whisper inches from you. “You don’t gotta be nervous, darlin’.” Taking another look down at you, he laughs in disbelief. “Can’t tell ya how fuckin’ lucky I am to be with someone so perfect.”

Your cheeks burn hot at his words, his hands melting the tension from your body as they slide behind you to unhook your bra. Slipping the straps off your shoulders, he curses under his breath before leaning down to hover his face over one of your breasts. Joel pauses to look up at you through hooded eyes, seeking permission before you quickly nod your head and feel his lips wrap around your nipple that stands hard and sensitive. 

You throw your head back as you breathe out moans at the unfamiliar sensation. You didn’t anticipate how good it would feel as he sucks and presses hot, open-mouthed kisses across your chest, alternating between both sides as he uses a hand to cup the other breast.

He trails kisses up your neck as you card your fingers through his hair, stopping to suck at your skin before dragging his lips across your jaw and to your lips, hungrily kissing you as you eagerly respond. 

One of his hands travels down to the button on your pants, stopping his mouth against yours for a moment until he feels you nod. You hold your breath as he unbuttons your bottoms, shifting his body down to remove them as he makes his way. Now on his knees and hovering above your legs, you watch as he lets out a staggered breath when looking at the now exposed skin.

“Can I take these off?” He asks, gesturing to your underwear. The last thing that separates him from seeing you fully. 

You slowly nod before he raises his eyebrows at you, waiting until you breathe out a shaky yes. With your permission, he grabs the sides of your underwear with his fingers and begins to peel the fabric off painfully slow. 

Your feet stay planted on the bed with your knees bent up as you lift your hips up to help him remove your underwear. Sliding his hands up your skin, his touch guides you to straighten out your legs, giving view to what he desires most in the moment.

His jaw clenches as his eyes roam across the space between your thighs, looking up at you a few seconds later with his eyes completely black and mouth parted open, breathing heavily.

Joel leans his body back to hover over yours, giving you a short kiss while stroking your hair. Pulling away, he asks you, “You ever touched yourself before?”

You nod against his hand that rests on the side of your head. Your words cause him to inhale deeply and shut his eyes in a form of restraint for a moment. Voice now thick with lust, he says, “Good. Helps me know what works best for you.”

His right hand runs down to hover between your legs, your breath catching in your throat at the touch. Slowly, he runs a finger through your folds, gathering the wetness that has accumulated. He groans. “Can I touch you, darlin’?”

Lightheaded, you nod and mutter a quick approval as you anticipate his touch. Using his thumb, Joel runs soft yet purposeful circles over your clit with the right amount of pressure. He moves to drag his middle finger through your slit, spreading your slick before curving his finger inside you, causing you to gasp and arch your back at the intrusion.

He leans his forehead on yours, pressing a kiss to your nose as he balances his weight on one elbow. Feeling him pause, you nod your head to encourage him to keep going and feel him move his finger in and out slowly, curving it diligently as if he knows your body. 

He continues this for a minute before he adds his ring finger, moving them in a come here motion while using his thumb to continue rubbing circles over your clit. “Oh god,” you gasp out as he hits a spot deep inside you after a few strokes, leaning your head back into your pillow and scrunching your face in a shock of pleasure.

Joel uses his free hand to stroke your hair while pressing light and comforting kisses across the side of your face. “That’s it,” he reassures you. “You’re doin’ so good for me. This feel good?”

You give a frantic nod. Joel smiles against your temple as he feels you begin to unintentionally clench around his fingers.

“You gonna come for me?” Nodding in response to him, he asks with a shaky breath, “What do you need from me?”

You struggle finding the words to speak, making him slow his movements to get your attention. The loss of friction causes you to look over at him with wide eyes until he presses. “You gotta tell me what you want, baby. Tell me what feels good.”

Letting out a frustrated whine, a sound that makes Joel teasingly smirk, you finally find the strength to spit out the words. “Just… fuck, Joel. Please just… keep going. Faster, please.”

He gives you a hum of approval before continuing the same motions at a slightly quicker speed—the feeling building up inside you as he rhythmically hits that spot you’ve never felt before tonight. 

The sounds of Joel’s praises and rigid panting against the side of your face, mixed with his thumb rubbing patterns on your clit, propels you closer to the edge.

A tight thread in your body snaps and you throw your head back clenching around his fingers, your body shuddering as you come. 

The moment you fall apart on his fingers, Joel lets out a low moan and leaves open-mouthed kisses across the side of your face as he continues to help you ride out your high, only slowly withdrawing his fingers when you stop shaking.

Your breathing more regulated, you blink open your eyes to Joel’s head dipped down into your neck and nipping at your skin, tracing the area with his tongue before pulling away. When he looks up to you, a cocky smile spreads on his face. “You feelin’ alright?”

You playfully roll your eyes and let your body sag further into bed at his question. “Yeah, just trying to find the ability to breathe right now.”  

He lets out a low laugh, letting his head fall onto your chest before looking back up at you with warm eyes. You bring your hands up to his face to pull him in for a slow kiss. Joel moves his body to lean into yours more, causing you to feel the hardness through his jeans that rests on your thigh. You let out a small gasp as you pull away and look down, gulping at the sight. Your nerves suddenly kick in again.

“Can I… um–”

You trail off and look down in between you two. Furrowing his brow, Joel looks down for a moment before he understands your offer. His face lifts back to yours as a softer expression takes over his features. Giving a small shake of his head, he says, “No, no. We won’t do that tonight.”

Insecurity washes over you as you look away, murmuring, “Do you not want me to…?”

Hearing the vulnerable tone in your voice, Joel’s eyes widen as he immediately clarifies himself. “Darlin’, no I–” He cuts off to let out a soft scoffing sound, breathing out a curse before looking at you with complete sincerity. “Believe me, that is absolutely somethin’ I want. Fuck, I’ll take anythin’ you would ever wanna give me, but tonight is ‘bout you. You don’t need to be doin’ that tonight, okay, sweet girl?”

Looking off to the side, you chew the inside of your cheek lightly. “What if I want to?”

Your question makes a low groan leave the back of Joel’s throat before he shuts his eyes to compose himself. Opening them back up, you see such a strong desire in them. “I promise, if that’s still what you want, then another time, okay?” Looking down at your body, he lets out a soft laugh. “I ain’t as young as I used to be, darlin’, and I got plans for tonight. Wanna make this as comfortable as possible for you. Plus, I’m fightin’ the urge to not come in my fuckin’ jeans like a god damn teenager already.”

You let out a giggle at that. Looking back down at the tent in his pants, you let out a slight wince envisioning the constriction. “You know, if I’m completely naked it feels only fair that you do the same. If you’re uncomfortable you can…” 

Joel nods and takes the chance to stand and remove his jeans and underwear. With the discarded clothing, you make the same face you gave him when he took his shirt off, except with wider eyes—a mix of nerves and excitement striking you.

He takes your look for worry and crawls back over you gently to ease your nerves. “Don’t worry,” he says. “We aren’t going to do that yet.” You scrunch your face in confusion at that. Then what are you going to do?

Joel moves his body down until his upper body sits between your thighs, face hovering over you as he looks up at you under his eyebrows. 

Your body tenses up and you feel the air disappear from your lungs for a moment as you look down at him, so achingly beautiful and so close to you, realizing what he was planning. “What are you doing?” 

His hands slide down your sides to land at the tops of your thighs. “Been wantin’ to get a taste of you all night. Longer than tonight if I’m bein’ honest with the both of us.” 

You feel your body burn hot at his words while a knot gets formed in your stomach. Furrowing your brows and wincing, you ask, “You… you want to do that?”

He gives you a look like you’re crazy before he sees the genuine confusion in your eyes. Pressing long kisses over the tops and insides of your thighs, you feel your body tense and gasp. He looks up at you, his gaze tender as he tells you, “I guarantee you, I very much want to. Only if you’ll let me.”

You stare at him, chest rising and falling rapidly with anticipation as he looks at you up through his lashes. “So, can I, baby?”

A soft moan escapes you before you eagerly nod your head. “Fuck… oh my god, please.”

A smirk crosses Joel’s face at your enthusiasm, before he focuses his eyes back down, wrapping a hand underneath one of your thighs to hook your leg over his shoulder. He brings his mouth down between your thighs and you instantly respond as your body arches up with the contact. He presses kisses over you before you feel his tongue leaving small licks there, easing you into the act. The moment he dips his tongue into you, a sharp whine leaves your throat as you throw your head back in ecstasy. The feeling is beyond overwhelming, your body having not experienced something even close to this.

You find yourself biting your lip to suppress the sounds that want to come out, gripping your hands into the sheets at your sides with your eyes squeezed shut. Having started gentle, it’s as if Joel has become a man possessed as you hear and feel moans of his own as he tastes you. You feel him reach deeper, his movements more frantic as he swirls his tongue inside you, his nose bumping against your clit in the process. The friction makes you let out a particularly loud cry before you bring your hand up to your mouth to try and bite down to calm yourself.

Joel seems to notice the movement from you, and looks up before he pulls his face a few inches away from where you need him most. You feel like a child as you fight back a whine from the loss of contact. Looking down to see why he stopped, you’re left breathless from the lustful look in his eyes—his mouth and chin shining with your slick. 

Voice gruff, he says, “Don’t hold back.” You hesitate before he pushes with a determined look in his eyes. “Let me hear ya. Loud as you want.”

He waits until you nod and drop your hands back onto your pillow besides your face. Satisfied, he tilts his face back down to wrap his lips around your clit and suck gently, but with purpose. The feeling causes a sharp moan to leave you, crying out, “Oh fuck… Joel…”

He hums, moving his tongue back inside you to continue licking you so sweetly. You arch your back and almost squirm away from the intense feeling growing inside you. Having none of that, Joel brings one hand to your stomach, pressing down firmly to keep you in place. He looks up at you, using his hand that holds your leg over his shoulder to grab onto one of your hands. You make and hold eye contact with him as he guides your hand into his hair, encouraging you to grab onto him to hold yourself steady. Pulling away just enough, he rushes out, “Use me, darlin’. Let yourself feel good.” 

“But… I don’t want to hurt you–”

He groans, mouth already back on you, hurriedly mumbling against your skin, “Fuckin’ christ, make it hurt, darlin’. I don’t care just…” He trails off, too impatient to continue talking.

Still unsure at first, you only lightly hold your hand on his head, unsure of what to do. In that moment he moves the hand not holding you down to place a finger onto your clit, mouth still on you and tongue still greedily moving in you. The simultaneous pressure makes you let out a loud moan, your body reacting instantly as your grip in his hair tightens, pushing his face deeper against you without you even realizing. At that, Joel begins moaning into you, the vibration only bringing your orgasm closer. You think you hear a faint, muffled, “Good girl,” but you’re too distracted to hear clearly.

You can feel your orgasm coming closer, and Joel seems to notice too as he replaces his tongue with the two fingers he had in you earlier, curling them with accuracy into you. The feeling causes a frantic mix of whimpers and moans to leave your mouth, back arching and eyes screwed shut as you repeat his name like a mantra. 

Looking up at you, face glistening and lips swollen, he says, “Look at me.” The words don’t process in your mind right away, and he withdraws his fingers from you to grab your attention, the loss causing you to look down at him with frustration. He smirks, continuing the circles on your clit. “Need you to look at me when you come, baby.”

You shake your head. “I–I can’t, it’s…”

“You can,” he says. “Need to feel you come on my mouth, darlin. Let me see you.”

Face screwed in pleasure, you whine out an agreement and try to keep yourself looking at him. He smiles and brings his face down to continue moving his tongue inside you while still looking up at you. 

His thumb on your clit mixed with his tongue devouring you, and the look in his eyes makes your orgasm begin to wash over you. “Oh my– fucking… Joel,” you cry out, whimpering and holding his face closer to you with your hands tangled in his hair. He replaces his tongue with his fingers again so he can place his mouth on your clit, sucking as you ride out your high on his face, your thighs closing around his head. Your body shakes through your orgasm, ending with you squirming in overstimulation as Joel begins to slow his motions towards your end. 

Your orgasm dying down, you let your head fall back, eyes shut as you slowly try to control your breathing. You feel Joel take his mouth off you, and you open your eyes halfway to find him bringing the two fingers that were inside you to his mouth, tasting you. The sight makes you clench in want, surprised at your body’s response to him still after everything.

He brings his body up to hover his face over yours, one hand smoothing your probably wild hair with a lazy smile on his face. “Did so good for me, darlin’,” he says, peppering kisses across your face while you shut your eyes and take deep breaths in and out. “My sweet girl.”

His praise makes you pull his face down to yours, hungrily moving your lips against his, making you notice the taste of yourself. He gives a soft hum before bringing one hand to cup the side of your face, deepening the kiss.

Suddenly you pull away and rush out, “I need you.”

His breathing stutters at your words. Your words shock even you, your need to feel him filling all of your senses—your body aching for it.

“Darlin’, you sure? We can take a break or stop here completely if you need a second–”

You frantically shake your head, borderline pouting.“No, I’m ready. I promise. I want this. I want you. Joel, please,” your voice ending in a whine.

Joel shuts his eyes, his resolve crumbling before he nods softly. “Okay… okay, don’t worry, I got ya.”

Straightening his body to hover directly over yours, you shift yourself a bit higher on your pillows. Joel reaches down between your thighs and you feel him run his fingers across you. The contact makes you gasp and whine from overstimulation until he gently hushes you. “M’just makin’ sure you’re ready, darlin’. Wanna make sure your body is prepared.”

You nod in understanding. “I am. I promise, Joel. Please…”

He reaches to hold his cock in his hand, the movement making you look to watch him place his cock against your folds, causing you to both let out a groan. The contact makes him screw his eyes shut, seeing you clench around nothing in an effort to soothe your desire. He quickly composes himself, looking at you with a serious face. “M’gonna go slow, but if it hurts, or if you need me to stop at any point, you tell me. Okay?”

You nod wordlessly before he raises an eyebrow and you remember. “Yes,” you say out loud. “I will. I promise I’ll tell you.”

Content with your answer, he notches the head of his cock against your entrance before he slowly pushes himself inside you until only the tip sits in you. “Fuck,” Joel says.

The feeling causes both of you to moan out loud, Joel letting his body fall forward a bit before he catches himself on his elbows, bringing his forehead to yours and the two of you breath into each other's mouths. He pushes his brows together, eyes screwed shut and jaw clenched. “How do you feel?”

Your face twisted in an unknown feeling, you whisper, “I’m okay. It doesn’t hurt, it's just… I’m getting used to it.”

He nods, waiting for your permission to keep going. “You just tell me when you’re ready, okay, darlin’?” 

Nodding, you two stay there for a moment until your body feels more adjusted. “Okay,” you say. “More. Keep going.”

Pushing himself further into you a bit, the fullness you feel makes a sharp noise rip from the back of your throat. Joel leans his head into the pillow, turning his head to place kisses in your hair and whisper reassurance. “You’re doin’ good, darlin’. Doin’ so good for me.”

The stretch is what you feel the most—not painful, just uncomfortable from your body not used to any feeling similar to this.

“Does it hurt?” He asks, softly.

“No,” you shake your head sincerely. “It’s just… really thick.” You both feel yourself pulse and clench around his length as you slowly but surely get used to the feeling. 

Guilt builds inside you as you see warmth in his eyes mixed with what looks like discomfort from taking it slow. “I’m sorry,” you say, suddenly feeling yourself wash over with insecurity.

Confused and worried, Joel frantically comforts you. “Hey, hey, hey—darlin’, you do not need to apologize.” You open your mouth to say something about how you feel bad for making him wait, but Joel cuts you off gently, but fiercely, speaking your name with a whisper. “I am completely okay. Fuck… darlin’, I’d wait forever for you. I just want to make sure you feel okay. Don’t worry about me.”

His words ease you enough for you to tell him to continue. He pulls out a bit before pushing in, feeding more of himself inside you. This time, you feel almost no discomfort, pleasure taking over you more and more as he slowly slides himself further.

Your face twists into pleasure, your mouth falling open with a moan. “More.”

Joel falters. “It’s just a bit more, darlin’. We don’t need to rush–”

You cut him off with a whine of frustration, rambling out, “Joel, I'm begging you. It feels good but I need more…”

He groans but still doesn’t give you what you want, so you keep going. “I feel so full. I need more… it’s not enough. I need to feel all of you, fuck. Baby, please–”

The moment he hears the affectionate name, it’s as if whatever was holding him back just broke and he pushes the last bit of him, crying out your name. “Fuckin’ hell, darlin’.”

“Oh my god,” you let out. Your mouth drops open in shock and bliss at the feeling of him completely inside you. Joel recovers enough to say, “Fuck, you feel okay?”

You frantically nod your head, hands gripping his shoulders tightly before you beg. “Please, move. I need you to move.”

Your voice trailing off into a string of moans, Joel begins to slowly withdraw himself from you until only the head sits in you before he slowly pushes back inside until you feel the base of his cock flushed against you.

The feeling consumes and overwhelms you. How intense and how good it feels sends your mind reeling—the reality of finally feeling all of him.

“Fuck, baby. You feel so good, god–my sweet girl… So fuckin’ good, darlin’.”

You whimper and squirm at the praise, hands beginning to roam over his back and dig in as he brings one hand down between the two of you, fingers settling on your clit as he begins to rub circles over you.

“I–holy fuck–” 

You can’t find the words to speak properly, your voice coming out in broken sentences mixing with moans. Joel understands, feeling your body’s response to him inside you. “How does it feel?”

You’re distracted until he brings his mouth on yours, kissing you fiercely before pulling away. “Tell me how you feel, baby.”

Eventually you find the strength to speak. “Good… you feel so fucking good Joel.” You break off in another moan as he takes himself halfway out before pushing back in with a hard thrust—wrapping his arm underneath one of your knees and allowing himself to hit a deeper spot in you that has your vision blurring.

You didn’t think it was possible to feel this good, and a part of you believes that half the reason is because it’s Joel—your already developed feelings for him making the moment bring stubborn tears to your eyes. Noticing this, Joel’s face fills with worry for a moment but you don’t give him the chance to speak.“It doesn’t hurt. It feels so good, Joel, I just…”

Understanding, Joel leans his forehead on yours. “I know,” he whispers. He repeats praises in your ear of, “You feel so good, baby. Fuckin’ perfect, god–”

Increasing the pace of his thrusts in time with the movements of his finger on your clit makes your body feel like it’s been lit on fire, a loud moan leaving you as you feel yourself reaching your end.

Frantically, you start saying, “Fuck , Joel… I’m gonna–”

Nodding his head against your forehead, he says, “I know, baby. I feel you clenchin’ down on me– fuckin’ christ you feel so…”

He trails off, encouraging your orgasm with his words and the pleasure he’s bringing you. “Want you to come for me, baby. Need to feel you come ‘round my cock. Need to hear you say my name darlin’, please–”

You clench down around him, body writhing as you arch into him, a cry leaving your throat. You repeat his name like a mantra in between loud moans and sounds you didn’t know you were capable of.

Joel helps you through it, keeping pace with his thrusts and thumb on your clit. “That’s it, darlin’. Doin’ so good for me. My good girl. Fuck, I–”

He cuts himself as his face screws up in pleasure at the feeling of you fluttering around him. Having come down a bit from your own orgasm, you encourage him, saying, “Joel, I want to feel you. I need it so bad, please…”

His thrusts become more staggered and unhinged, a whimper leaving his throat at your words. “M’comin’, I’m–fuck,” he says, crying out your name. Pushing himself deep inside you, he stops as his body shakes from his own orgasm, your name falling off his lips like a sinful prayer as his head falls into your neck.

The warm feeling of him finishing inside you overwhelms you. His moans and grunts in your ear fill your mind until all your senses become taken over by Joel.

His own orgasm finishing, Joel lets his body weight fall more on you, his exhaustion causing his strength to falter as he struggles to hold himself over you. You welcome the weight, relishing in the feeling of how heavy and big he is, letting it take over you in a wave of comfort.

The two of you lay there for a moment, the only sounds being the both of you trying to regulate your breathing mixed with quiet murmurs of praise coming from Joel. Your hands move from the grip they held on his back over to his hair, holding his body impossibly closer to you. Your touch causes his body to completely relax, allowing himself to sag against you as he lays his head in the crook of your neck, turning his face to press lazy kisses along your jaw and cheek. 

Having come back down a bit, Joel lifts his head until his face hovers over yours, eyes staring into yours with a half-smile on his face.

Your expression matching his, you whisper a shy, quiet, “Hi.”

His smile grows, a soft laugh leaving his lips. “Hi.”

You pull his face down to bring his lips to yours for a deep, slow kiss, feeling Joel melt at your touch. He lets out a soft moan into your mouth at the kiss, shifting his hand to tangle into your hair.

A few moments later, he pulls away from you and looks down between the two of you. “I’m gonna take myself out, okay?”

You nod, fingers running through his hair in mindless motions as he slowly retracts himself from inside you. The friction causes you to let out a whine that he quiets with a kiss. Having taken himself out, you both sigh at the loss of contact. Some voice in your head wishes he could stay in you forever. That you needed to feel every part of him on and in you for as long as possible.

Pressing soothing kisses across the side of your head, he pulls away and begins to stand up from the bed. The action makes your stomach drop, suddenly feeling the most vulnerable you had felt all night.

Is he going to leave?

Noticing your worried look, Joel presses a knee into the bed to lean over you, his voice soft. “I’m just goin’ to get somethin’ to help clean you up, okay?”

You slowly nod and don’t take your eyes off him as you watch him walk into your bathroom and hear him opening a cabinet, followed by the sounds of water running. He walks back into your bedroom holding a small rag he had slightly damp with water. 

Sitting down on the bed beside you, he takes the rag and begins to wipe between your thighs. The contact makes you hiss, Joel giving you a soft wince in apology at the overstimulation. Finished, he pulls away the rag and squeezes your hand before getting back up to discard the rag in your laundry basket that sits in your bathroom. 

You let your eyes look around your room as the reality of the night sets in you, feeling nothing but bliss.

Joel walks back over to your side of the bed, reaching down to grab his boxers and pull them over his hips before he gestures downstairs. “M’gonna go fill us both up some glasses of water. You go ‘head and do what you need to do before bed, alright?”

You nod, sitting up and letting Joel help pull you up. Standing up with two feet, you stumble for a moment, thankful Joel was holding onto your hands still. You slowly look up at him to find him fighting a smirk on his face. 

You scoff playfully. “Don’t look so proud, Miller.”

He barks out a laugh at that, waiting for you to find your balance before letting go of you. “No idea what you mean, sweetheart.”

You roll your eyes in response, heading into the bathroom to get ready for bed while Joel heads down into the kitchen. When you come out, you find him setting your waters on the tables either side of your bed. 

At the sound of the door opening, he turns to you with a small smile as you grab and pull your underwear on. Searching through your drawers for a shirt to wear to sleep, you’re interrupted by the sound of Joel clearing his throat behind you. You turn around to find him nervously rubbing the back of his neck, holding out his shirt for you. 

Raising one eyebrow, you ask, “... Do you want me to wear that?”

He shyly nods at you before you grab the shirt and pull it over you. “Didn’t take you for the shy type,” you tease.

He lets out a low laugh at that, grabbing your hand wordlessly and bringing you to bed after you take a big drink of water. Laying down first, he guides your body to lay next to his. You settle your face on his chest and wrap an arm over his stomach as he puts an arm around you to pull you in closer to him. 

The feeling of his warmth makes you realize the exhaustion you feel, your eyes beginning to fall shut.

“How do you feel?”

You look up to find him with an unsure look on his face. “Amazing,” you respond. 

Chewing on the inside of his cheek, he takes his free arm to hold your hand that lays on his stomach, looking down at your intertwined fingers and fidgeting. “Was it, um… was it good for you?”

For the first time in the entire night, you notice the uncertainty in Joel’s voice and expression. The whole night, he was focused so much on making you feel good, that you didn’t think that he would be equally vulnerable to the experience.

The realization makes you straighten a little bit, lifting your head and looking at him more directly. His eyes settle on yours, brows drawn together and raised a bit in the middle. “Joel. You were perfect. Tonight was everything I could’ve ever wanted and more.”

His eyes flit between yours, checking for any sign of a lie in you. You move your hand that holds his to wrap your pinky finger around his. The two of you still maintaining eye contact, you see his lips quirk up at the corner before his face relaxes, letting you know he believes you. “Good,” he breathes out. “That’s all I want, darlin’.”

You settle your chin on his chest. “What about you? Was it good for you?”

He gives you a dramatic look as if you were crazy, making you let out a small giggle. “Baby… this has been the best night of my damn life.” You laugh at his response before he continues. “And trust me, that’s a long ass time to compare to.”

Your cheeks hurt from the smile that graces your face, Joel matching your expression with his own smile before he leans in to place a slow and drawn out kiss to your lips. Pulling away, he looks at you and notices the heaviness of your eyelids. “C’mon, sweet girl. Let’s go to sleep, okay?”

Nodding, you move your head to rest on his chest once more, feeling his heartbeat against your ear. Settling into him more comfortably, he moves to wrap his arms around you the way he did a few minutes ago. Pressing one final kiss to the top of your head, he whispers, “G’night, darlin’.”

Eyes closed, your exhaustion pulling you away already, you only offer a hum in response—feeling pure content for the first time in your life as the thump of his heartbeat lulls you to sleep.

reblogs and comments are appreciated! i hope you all enjoy <3 follow @writtenbynic and turn on notifications for updates!

a/n: honesty hour lol. i really was sick, but i also was nitpicking about this chapter for way too long because i wanted it to be perfect. i just needed to rip the bandaid off and post it. hope you guys like it! 🏷️: @dendulinka6 @suzysface @koshkaj-blog @orcasoul @emmasveinyahhdih @thatoneperson38747 @silksepia @orodaeh @ithinkimokeei @emnull0 @warriorkarol @luvwanda @pascal-mynightlyobsession @grayandthyme @crlsummer @ashleyfilm @darling-imobsessed @tjohn63 @lizzie-cakes @vanishintoyoubby @keileighr if anyone else wants to be tagged, or if i missed any, then please let me know!

[junkdrawerfan]

Tim should NEVER go back to being Red Robin. Red Robin was a punishment and Tim at his lowest. It’s like when Dick lost it and went to Detroit and told everyone he loves to forget about him. Not a good look.

Tim should become an adult hero. He is in a stage of arrested development because everytime he meets his future self it’s Gun Batman. Also not a great look and probably an ego death on a scale I can’t understand.

Tim should definitely never be Batman (see Gun Batman). He should get out from under Batman’s cape and find a reason to be a hero other than “I want to help my heroes and I feel good when I help people.” Which yes is a total simplification but Tim doesn’t have a strong internal reason to be a hero.

He should become something like Strike or Cardinal (every universe gets a religious brother!). He should find being a hero fun again. He should fall in love with Gotham for his own reasons that are conscious and arguable.

Red Robin was great because it was about Tim growing up and finding his own moral code, which was inline with Batman’s at the end. But for every arch in the Red Robin run, Tim is exploring why he shouldn’t kill and be non lethal and give people the benefit of the doubt. That’s great! It’s very reflective of what real children go through in their later teen years. Tim is teetering on the edge and with each lesson explored and learned, he takes a step away from the ledge Jason was flung over. That’s good writing!

If I was writing Tim Drake, I would pick up with him feeling lost and going through the motions. He has his friends and his family and his cute boyfriend but he’s directionless. He’s working at Wayne Enterprises, a majority stockholder with very little say in the day to day on goings, maybe he’s got a small job in R&D where he gets to dick around with Lucious Fox every day. He goes on patrol and fucks around with his brothers and dad. He joins the Titans on the weekends to run small missions but isn’t an active live-in member of the team because he just doesn’t feel ready to leave Gotham. He goes on weekly dates with his boyfriend and tests him good morning kiss emojis. His life is quieter after the turmoil of his late teens. He’s settling into a grove but that finally leaves him time to think about what he wants to do.

Tim never planned to be a hero his whole life but here he is. He doesn’t need to work. He’s stupid rich and his dad is stupid rich. He hates school, going to college makes his skin itch. Bernard is in culinary school and sometimes hints at a trade school or getting a job just to have something to do for more than 10 hours a week and give him a chance to socialize. Tim is always at his best when he gets to socialize even if he claims he’s an introvert.

And then there is an inciting incident. A case makes Tim enroll in Gotham U and he sits in a few classes looking for a rogue his age. But he finds he actually likes it. It’s not like high school with so many rules and restrictions. The small discussion groups require real thinking. He’s not here to impress the teacher and get a decent grade. He talks about it with Bernard. For a second he even forgets about the case, he’s just so excited about the topic of discussion in his Ethics and Philosophy class.

So when the case is over, he considers signing up.

But then he worries about heroing and if he’ll have time. And he really really hated school…

And then he finds out his friends are going to be graduating college soon. Steph is graduating college next semester. Did he miss his chance? Would it be weird to be a 21 year old freshman?

But then there is another case. This time about a professor. Clearly something is in the water in Gotham U. Turns out that other case is connected to a conspiracy about the school so he keeps going and he keeps attending class. He jokes with Dick that this is the universe telling him to get a degree and Dick looks at him with that inquisitive look as he sees through Tim’s bluster and says “It’s okay to want something different.” And it stuns Tim. But of course Dick Grayson would know just what to say. It’s Dick Grayson.

And the story progresses. He makes new friends. Mostly for the case but he really likes them. And he has a panic attack over midterms. He hates tests. Bernard makes him hot coco and encourages him. He does well in class. Bs & As and some Cs but he doesn’t feel pressure about GPA because he’s not “really going anyway.” And then it’s finals and he finally catches the rogues which turns out to be a secret society of alumni who find smart students and encourage (pressure) them to take up villainy (usually not caped but Lex Luther can’t be the only evil businessman in Gotham!) to enrich the members of the secret society.

And the whole time, he’s enjoying college and his hero job. It feels like when he first ran away from JPV and set out to do his own thing as Robin. It’s not like he’s always hiding under Bruce’s cape but it’s nice to be fully in charge of his case again. He doesn’t go to the Batcave at all. He just works out of his nest in Crime Alley because it’s closer to campus. Bruce stumbled his way through saying he’s happy to see Tim back at the nest and Tim feels happy even if Bruce insults his house boat like two times. It’s nice to see his dad validate him as his own adult hero, spreading his wings.

For some reason (comic book logic insert here) he can’t go out as Robin. He doesn’t want to be caught associating with the Bat. The secret society is really good at hiding from the Bats, it’s how they’ve lasted this long. So he has to design a new look that isn’t Black & Red. He keeps the bat insignia off because it’s temporary and, again, he doesn’t want this touching Batman. He’s just on his own taking down this secret society that encourages corruption and destruction in Gotham.

(Maybe at some point he has to hang out with Helena and it just feels really nostalgic and nice! Listen I love their sibling dynamic!!)

And at the end, he’s finished one semester of Gotham U, he has a new costume that feels good and is all his own, not a legacy he has to uphold or a punishment he’s inflicting on himself because of grief and rage. And he feels good. It’s the best he’s felt in so long. He feels like he has purpose, that he’s in control of his life instead of just moving day to day.

He doesn’t want to give up this feeling.

So he signs up for next semester, tells his friends and family and boyfriend he’s going to college, and slaps a bat on his new costume and introduces the world to Strike.

[gold-dustwomxn]

mystified

summary: after sudden attacks on women around town, you take a self defense class. ellie, your long standing crush is the instructor

fair warning, future chapters will include discussions of abuse and other heavy topics. each part will contain its own warnings please read them! eventual smut

part 1 part 2 part 3 part 4

cw: small interaction with a scary man, smoking weed

fluff fluff and more fluff, a little angst. protective ellie makes an appearance

inhale, exhale. grunts and bodies slamming against gym mats could be heard outside the big double doors of ‘miller’s defense studio.’ news of women being attacked at night had been circulating quite loudly in your sleepy town. dad says you should attend the free session, be able to defend yourself if anything happens. only problem was half the town was in here and you fucking hated being around large groups of people. you had your pepper spray keychain on you at all times, did you really need to learn how to fight? yeah, probably.

one of the many annoying things about being in such a small town is knowing everyone. at least your best friend dina and her boyfriend jesse were here to soften the blow of all of this chaos.

sat on the sidelines, you observe everyone attempting to show off sloppy, embarrassing ‘defense’ moves. jesse spots you and obnoxiously yells your name across the gym. rolling your eyes, you make your way over to him and dina.

“hey, ___ you’re late and you’re not gonna like what I have to tell you,” he smiles nervously. darting your eyes from him to dina, you eye them warily, regretting coming here even more now. “well? spit it out jesse.”

“jesus ok. well since you’re so late, there’s no one else for you to pair up with-“ you cut him off, “oh? that’s fine I’ll just watch then.” him and dina look at each other before she looks at you cautiously. “well, the only other person who doesn’t have a partner is the instructor for today.” you squint your eyes towards the front of the room trying to make out who it is, and oh fuck no, it’s ellie. the girl you’ve had a crush on for quite some time.

“ha, no fucking way. you guys can just teach me later. I am not making a fool of myself in front of her and the whole fucking town. you know I hate being the center of attention and she’s gonna demonstrate on me to teach everyone!” you turn your body attempting to walk away.

dina grabs your forearms softly trying to chill you out with her witchy, calming demeanor. because seriously how is she able to do that with just her touch? “you’re gonna be fine, ___. just breathe. no one else knows what they’re doing either, that’s why we’re here. you’re not gonna look like a fool,” she nods at you slowly, “plus, jesse already told her you’d be her partner.” she gives you an apologetic smile.

“ugh. why can’t you be her partner jesse? she’s your best friend.” dina grabs jesse’s arm and nuzzles into his side with a gross, love drunk smile. “because, I wanna be with my man. sorry, babe but you can do this. you can shamelessly use this as an excuse to be close to her anyway” she wiggles her eyebrows.

“oh my god,” you scoff and roll your eyes, “you guys seriously suck.”

an ear piercing whistle startles you, nearly making you jump out of your skin, and the room goes quiet. “good morning everyone, I’m ellie. welcome to miller’s defense studio. today, I’m going to be teaching you guys basic self defense techniques. learning self defense is more than how to prevent an attacker from overpowering you, but also about keeping a clear and calm head in the face of danger and how to gain the upper hand..”

her introduction speech fades from your ears as you observe her confident demeanor. dressed only in a simple white wife-beater tank and sweatpants, she still stands tall with a commanding presence. her hair sits in a low bun at the back of her neck, tattoo on full display while her toned arms move animatedly as she speaks.

you blink a few times snapping out of it as dina taps your shoulder and looks at you. “what?” she nods her head at ellie who is looking at you, waiting for you to join her at the front. your eyes widen briefly, “oh fuck.” you mutter under your breath.

you quickly walk up to her in embarrassment and she smirks at you as if she knows something that you don’t. she puts her hand on your hip and leans to turn on the bluetooth speaker behind you. “hey ___” she whispers in your ear. goosebumps travel down your body. fuck, this is gonna be a long day.

after some basic blocking and hitting techniques, ellie decides to teach everyone how to throw an attacker over your shoulder. many cry of “what if they’re taller or heavier?” blah blah, doesn’t matter. next thing you know, ellie turns and steps away from you, grabs your arm, squatting and lifts your hips against her ass before pulling your arm forward, rolling you off her hips onto the floor, wind knocked out of you, hand now around your throat. you lay there stunned, out of breath as ellie’s face hovers close to yours. you take a small glance at her lips before looking up into her eyes and she smirks, also out of breath. fuck, you were caught.

with everyone now practicing the technique, she grabs your hand and pulls you up. “you okay? didn’t go too rough on you?” she places her hands on her hips and looks you up and down so quickly that you could’ve easily missed it if you weren’t paying close attention.

you laugh “no, no, I’m fine. that was pretty crazy. when did you learn how to do all of this shit? I mean, I knew joel had this place obviously but I didn’t know you were involved in it.”

“hm.. well, when joel adopted me I had some.. anger issues, getting into fights all the time. he eventually gave up on trying to ‘change my ways’ and decided to train me how to fight properly so I wouldn’t hurt myself.. tricked me into taking out my aggression elsewhere, so I guess he ended up changing me anyway..” she chuckles “but, yeah I don’t teach or join in on the classes, I do it on my own time. joel’s been booked up so he convinced me to do this for him.” she scratches the back of her neck sheepishly and blushes. you wonder if it’s because she told you something personal or it’s because it’s her first time teaching.

“well.. I wouldn’t have guessed this was your first time. you really know how to command a room. you’re a natural,” you smile at her shyly. “dunno know if I really feel prepared to come up against an attacker though, maybe you could teach me some more.” you mentally pat yourself on the back for your brave attempt at flirting.

she laughs, “oh yeah?” moving closer to you. you look at her briefly before looking away. “mhm!” is what you come up with. jesus christ. she laughs again and nods. “alright, I guess I can make an exception for you and give you some free lessons. I’m gonna go do the closing speech or whatever the fuck joel wanted me to do..” she looks somewhere behind you and her eyes widen. you follow her line of sight and see dina and jesse look away abruptly. okay, suspicious.

as everyone is packing up their belongings, you make your way over to jesse and dina. dina smirks at you, “so?”

“so what..?” you furrow your brows. “how’d it go up there?” before you can respond, ellie comes over and greets you guys. “ellie! ___ and jesse are coming over tonight, you wanna come smoke and chill?” she looks at you as she answers “yeah, sure” she shrugs and then looks over at dina and jesse, “just text me and let me know.”

as you walk to dina’s house, the cold bitter air of winter sends a chill down your spine. all of a sudden you hear a car pulling up next to you and a window rolling down. the sound of a man’s voice has your adrenaline pumping. walking away quickly, you put your phone to your ear and pretend that you’re talking to someone “hey! you think you can help me with some directions? my phone is dead and I’m lost.” your heart is racing and you click off the safety on your pepper spray. another car comes to a screeching halt behind you. a slam of a car door and quick footsteps has you looking back in fear.

ellie comes into your line of sight and puts you behind her, looking at the man with a challenging gaze “is there a fucking problem here?” you hear a flicking sound and look down, eyes widening when you see a switchblade in her hand. he skids off and she manages to take a picture of his plates, putting the switchblade in her back pocket before turning to you. she gently grabs your shoulders and looks at you in concern. “you okay? what happened?” she looks down at your hands and you hadn’t realized until now that you’re shaking. “c’mon.” she grabs your hand and leads you to her car, opening the passenger door for you.

“why are you walking around by yourself? jesus, ___ you could’ve been..” she looks away from you, cutting herself off and shakes her head, clenching her jaw. “I would’ve picked you up.” she starts the car, and pulls away from the curb.

“I know! fuck. dina lives so close I thought- yeah it wasn’t smart knowing what’s been happening.” she turns her head to look at you briefly, her gaze softening. “just text me or something next time okay? I don’t want you walking around by yourself, I’ll pick you up.” you nod and take a deep breath. “thanks for the save,” you laugh, trying to soften the mood. she, however does not laugh which makes you even more nervous. great, you think, I pissed her off. she glances at you, noticing your nervous fidgeting. she briefly squeezes your hand “it’s okay, I’m just glad you’re safe” she gives you a small smile. you feel butterflies in your stomach. the rollercoaster of emotions from fear to anxiety and now to the feelings ellie is giving you are a lot.

“I’m gonna stop back home to show joel the pics of the plates and tell him what happened so he can take it to the authorities or whatever. I don’t really wanna be the one talking to the cops. you want me to drop you off at dina’s first?” she glances at you. “no, it’s cool I’ll come with you.”

ellie’s house can be described as old and rustic. outdated wood paneling lining the walls, decor and photos that give it a country feel, the cozy smell and crackling sound of the lit fireplace flooding your senses.

joel greets you warmly. small town means he’s seen you grow up, being friendly with your parents. his demeanor is rough around the edges with a don’t fuck with me attitude, but also very polite and caring. you now realize how similar ellie is to him.

as ellie explains the fucked up situation which occurred minutes ago, your phone vibrates in your pocket.

dina🤍: dont kill me pls but I have to cancel tonight. my mom found out im failing stats and she’s on the fuckin warpath. ill make it up to u promise xx

me: fuccck i’m at ellies rn she saved me from some shit i’ll tell u ab it later but now i’m nervous help🥲 sorry ab ur mom i’ll pray for ur soul

you lock your phone and put it back in your pocket. the internal panic of now having to be alone with ellie settles deep in your gut.

ellie walks over to you “alright, joel said he’s gonna deal with it. you all set to go?”

“did dina text you? check your phone.”

you watch ellie’s eyes glide across her screen and it gives you a moment to ogle over how fucking attractive she is. her long lashes, sharp jawline and freckles more pronounced due to the soft glow from her phone emitting against the low lighting of the room. she looks up at you with wide eyes and raised eyebrows. “uhh fuck, well, do you want me to take you home?.. or we can hang out here if you want.” she looks away from you.

“yeah, I’m down to hang” you smile at her. she gives a small smile back and blushes. alright, maybe she feels the same way I do. “okay cool, you wanna smoke and watch a movie?”

smoke hazes around ellie’s dim lit room and the movie in the background is long forgotten. you’re laughing so fucking hard with tears in your eyes, and you don’t know if it’s because you’re so high or if ellie is really that funny. “you really decked your foster sibling in the face because he borrowed your savage starlight comic ellie?” she scoffs and throws a pillow at you. “he did not borrow it.. he stole that shit and thought he could get away with it. can’t let people fuck around with you like that in the system. makes you an easy target” she takes another drag of the joint.

“uh-huh,” you grab the joint and take a hit “well, clearly these kids learned not to fuck with the big, bad aggressive ellie huh?” she laughs and rolls her eyes “oh my god, shut up, ___.”

ellie thinks about how she likes that you’re not taking pity on her for her fucked up childhood, and how it’s so easy to talk to you. it feels natural opening up to you, not being able to do that with other people, not even jesse. it makes her like you even more.

you groan as you try to peel your heavy, post high eyes open feeling warmth around you, inhaling a scent filled with clean laundry and a hint of woodsy cologne. you open your eyes and see a sleeping ellie, mouth slightly parted, breathing slowly. your eyes widen, realizing your head is on her chest and her arm is wrapped around you. you glance over at her clock that reads 3:54am. fuck, you don’t even remember falling asleep. you move slightly trying not to wake ellie to text your mom saying that you fell asleep at dina’s. ellie stirs and groans, pulling you closer to her. fuck it. you don’t know if this will ever happen again. you close your eyes and drift back to sleep.

[httpvomitello]

I GOT AN IDEA :D

Ok so, reader is 2012 April's best friend but reader is male so the turtles think they are dating.

After donnie gets jelous one day after april brags about what reader made for her (also thinking wielder reader, like working with metal so thinking jewelry and or small weapons , the turtles and casey ask if they are dating when april let's it slip that reader is gay.

Maybe there could be a think where reader gains a crush on one of the turtles and starts making small things for them like rings that fit their hands, bracelets, small pocket knives hes made just for them, ext, I think it would be pretty neat

You don't have to do this ask of course, your writing is so much fun to ready, I always have a blast reading your work :D

Hello, hello! Thank you for enjoying reading what I write, it makes me very happy! Although requests are CLOSED at the moment, reading your request made me want to write about it, so... Yeah, I did. But guys, please read the rules, so you know when it's okay to ask! Anyway, I hope you like it ~ ♡♡♡♡

Do you want to go out with me? *⁠.⁠✧

It was a normal evening in the lair when the conversation turned toward April. It wasn’t unusual—she was a frequent topic of discussion, especially for Donnie—but this time, it wasn’t her escapades with school or her time spent with the Turtles that got them talking. It was you.

You, April’s best friend, had recently made her a stunning bracelet, one of your many custom metalwork creations. She’d shown it off with pride during one of her visits to the lair, gushing about how thoughtful and talented you were.

“You should’ve seen it, guys,” she said, holding out her wrist for the hundredth time. “Y/N made it by hand! He even personalized it with little engravings—look, it has my initials!”

Donnie’s mood visibly soured as April raved about your talent and kindness. He crossed his arms, his lips pressed into a thin line.

“Sounds like you two are pretty close,” he muttered, trying (and failing) to sound indifferent.

“Of course we are! Y/N’s been my best friend for years,” April replied.

Raph smirked, leaning back against the wall. “Yeah, but is he just your best friend? 'Cause it sounds like Donnie here’s thinkin’ otherwise.”

“Shut up, Raph,” Donnie snapped, his face flushing a deep shade of red.

April blinked, then let out a loud laugh. “Oh my gosh, you guys think Y/N and I are dating?”

“Well, yeah,” Mikey said, popping a slice of pizza into his mouth. “I mean, you’re always talking about him, and he makes you stuff. Kinda sounds like boyfriend material to me.”

Casey chimed in with a snort. “Can’t blame the guy if he’s into you. You’re a catch, Red.”

April waved her hands frantically. “No, no, no! You’ve got it all wrong! Y/N’s gay!”

The room fell silent.

“Oh,” Mikey said, pizza halfway to his mouth. “Well, that explains a lot.”

Donnie’s eyes widened as he processed the information, a mix of relief and embarrassment washing over him. “Wait, seriously?”

“Yeah,” April confirmed, laughing. “I can’t believe you guys thought we were dating. He’s like my brother.”

From that moment, the tension eased… or so it seemed. Donnie couldn’t help but feel a little guilty for assuming the worst about you. When you visited the lair a few days later, he kept his distance at first, unsure how to act around you now that he knew the truth.

But you? You were completely unfazed.

“Hey, Donatello,” you greeted with a warm smile as you approached him. “April’s told me all about your tech skills. Pretty impressive stuff.”

Donnie blinked, caught off guard by your casual friendliness. “Uh, thanks,” he replied, fiddling with the edge of his staff.

“You know,” you continued, “I’ve been thinking about making something for you guys. April says you’re always busy saving the city, so I figured you could use a little appreciation.”

Donnie’s face flushed slightly. “That’s... really thoughtful of you.”

True to your word, you started crafting small gifts for each of the Turtles. It started with practical things—like a custom pocket knife for Raph and a set of throwing stars for Mikey—but over time, your gifts became more personal.

For Donnie, you made a sleek metal bracelet with subtle engravings of his favorite equations. He stared at it for a long time when you gave it to him, tracing the intricate designs with his fingers.

“This is... incredible,” he said softly.

You shrugged, trying to play it cool. “It’s nothing, really. Just thought it might be your style.”

Donnie looked up at you, his heart skipping a beat. “It’s perfect.”

It wasn’t long before the others started picking up on your growing interest in Donnie. You spent more time in his lab, asking questions about his inventions and offering to help where you could. You even started bringing him snacks when he got too absorbed in his work to eat.

Mikey was the first to notice.

“Dude,” he whispered one night when you’d stepped out of the lab. “Y/N totally likes you.”

Donnie nearly dropped the tool he was holding. “What? That’s ridiculous.”

“C’mon, it’s so obvious!” Mikey insisted. “He’s always hanging around you, making you stuff, bringing you food. That’s love language if I’ve ever seen it.”

Donnie tried to brush it off, but the more he thought about it, the more Mikey’s words made sense.

One evening, as you were finishing up a new project in your workshop—a custom screwdriver set for Donnie. You found yourself wondering if Donnie notice the little things you did for him? Did he even like you back?

You decided to take a chance.

The next time you visited the lair, you handed Donnie the screwdriver set with a shy smile. “I made this for you,” you said, your voice quieter than usual.

Donnie took the set, his eyes widening as he examined each piece. “You made this?”

“Yeah,” you replied, rubbing the back of your neck nervously. “I figured it might come in handy for your lab stuff.”

Donnie looked up at you, a soft smile spreading across his face. “Y/N, this is... amazing. Thank you.”

You hesitated, then decided to just go for it. “Donnie, can I ask you something?”

“Of course,” he said, setting the tools aside.

You took a deep breath. “Do you... I mean, would you want to go out sometime? Like, just the two of us?”

Donnie’s eyes widened, and for a moment, you thought you’d completely misread the situation. But then he smiled—soft and genuine—and nodded.

“I’d like that,” he said.

Your heart swelled with relief and excitement as you returned his smile.

[ronanlynchusurper]

I'm not saying that I'd love to hear your thoughts on Adam's relationship with his sexuality but actually that's exactly what I'm saying please share I think about it *all the time*

(don't have to no pressure but please consider this an open invitation 🙏)

hello hi yes! i would love to tell you my thoughts on this! first off, i love your character analysis posts so i am lil nervous sharing this haha but i would also love to know your thoughts on this topic too because i actually really struggled to put all my thoughts together like you do!

also disclaimer this turned into me just pointing at info from the books (or how i remember them at least) and going 'i think he knew he was bi the whole time and was toeing the line of being open about it" more than anything haha but yes eee i’m excited ok! also sorry it ended up so long there is a TL,DR to sum my rambling up so no pressure to read it all!

so firstly, i think it's interesting that we never (to my memory) see any 'discovery' or 'acceptance' journey for adam in regards to his sexuality like we do for other canonically queer characters. we see ronan's journey to acceptance and how he struggled with that and we also see kavinsky acting in a way that is a response to his sexuality discovery whether he accepts it or not. and while these kind of narratives aren't applicable to all queer people or characters I find it very curious that someone of adam's upbringing wouldn't have had atleast SOME struggles in relation to sexuality upon discovery. He has grown up with a father who is likely homophobic and racist and has been working blue collar jobs amongst men who in many cases typically have similar ideologies about masculinity etc since he was very young and its early 2010s in a small town. (im australian so i dont know tonnes about which areas are conservative in america but i got the vibe based on some comments in the books that henrietta wasn't super welcoming to minorities). adam makes some racist 'jokes' in the later books which implies to me that he still has residual prejudices from the way he has grown up, therefore you would think he would have similiar things to say about sexuality etc but he never does. this makes me assume he was either aware of his sexuality long before the raven boys starts and had come to terms with it a while ago or we just don’t see that aspect of his journey on page (which if thats the case thats a whole other thing to discuss). Also he clocks ronan as gay in book 1 with his 'thats the biggest lie youve ever told' comment and adam is too aware and analytical of himself and others to not be aware of his own attractions if he noticed ronan's. i also see this moment and when he jokes about piper not being ronans type in book 3 (? maybe 4?) as kind of an 'i see you' type of thing, like this is the type of shit i would say to queer friends im out to.

theres also moments when they are in school that imply people think he is gay, which on my first read i thought was typical boarding school boy behaviour of calling other guys gay as an insult or a jibe. BUT on my second read i noticed that the comment although still meant insultingly, is more a statement about thinking he's gay than anything else and although adam doesn't like tad (who its implied makes the comment) he doesn't seem particularly phased by the comment and when tad actually comes over to (in my opinion) flirt with him, rather than poke fun at him it kind of solidifies that. ALSO there are much easier and more obvious ways for them to make snide comments at adam, for example his financial situation. AND adam is a fairly masculine character although described as 'pretty' and skinny on different occasions, so it makes me wonder if the leap to him being queer must've been prompted by him either being open or not actively hiding it rather than stereotypes being projected onto him.

also ronan is sitting right next to him and doesn't seem phased at all by this discussion of adam sexuality, not to say that i think he would stand up and say something because he and adam don't ever need to fight each others battles but i think he would look atleast a little bit annoyed at the insinuation if he thought it wasn't true. (or maybe he’s just used to aglionby bullshit who knows)

which also brings me to the fact that ronan never claims that he thinks adam is straight. ronan doesn't say either way what he thinks adam identifies as BUT pretty quickly after ronan acknowledges his feelings for adam, he starts doing some overtly romantic gestures such as the mixtape, moments at the barns, the lotion etc. that's not to say i think he has done these things because he is expecting anything in return in fact i think ronan shows his love through actions & gestures whether he wants to or not and part of the reason adam accepts it is because he’s one of the few who doesn’t expect anything back, but these are still very deliberately romantic actions. ronan is very careful when in comes to relationships and i think he would feel very vulnerable putting those feelings out there without atleast a little bit of knowledge about adam’s sexuality especially when they are close friends its not a risk you want to take without precaution. most of his uncertainty about what is happening between them seems to be about whether adam likes him, not about whether adam likes boys.

that leads me to adam's thoughts about men (mainly ronan when he first starts noticing the shift in ronan's feeling towards him and his own attraction to ronan). there are moments when adam openly admires men and their appearances, the most obvious being gansey and greenmantle, but again adam doesn't seem to have any shame or surprise or confusion about those thoughts. its similiar when he comes to terms with his feelings about ronan. although some of adams thoughts about his feelings can be interpreted as confusion about his feelings towards a boy, his thoughts are more focused on if his feelings are actually love or not. its his first real experience of love and he also has concerns about if his want is strong enough to act on especially because he knows ronan is serious about it. the thoughts never focus on concerns of about being attracted to a boy or the risks of that (except for saying he knows ronan is the hardest option, which goes beyond him being a boy and seems to also be about ronans powers etc). also im mentioning the comment that adam had been starving longer,that comment alone is a whole other thing too get into but i definitely think is speaks to adam's relationship with his sexuality and love, touch and being known and how deprived he has been for so long.

I think for me the bit that surprised me the most about his relationship with his sexuality when first reading, was that him and ronan appear to be quite open about their relationship post trk as robert makes a comment about him driving his boyfriends car. whether or not him and ronan are officially out as boyfriends or just hanging out so closely to the point that a rumour has spread, it's more than likely they actively made that choice.

i think i found this pleasantly surprising when i first read it because until this point adam has been conscious of trying to fit in with the other aglionby boys e.g. making sure his clothes look neat and well taken care of, paying his own way, hiding his accent etc. he resents them for all the ways they are different when they talk about their holidays and money etc and the reason he makes the sacrifice to cabeswater is so he feels equal to gansey (i know he grows from this but still).

when looking at the basic traits of adam its easy to assume he would want to be the type of character to hide his relationship or atleast not be open about it as a way to protect his options and make life easier for himself where he can, because of how hard he has struggled,and so its interesting that he then actively chooses to 'alienate' himself (in some perspectives) further from the other boys at aglionby. as someone who is constantly considering his actions in regard to his future and just having the personality he has, he definitely would've considered the cons of being out at aglionby and how that could effect his opportunities, e.g. at this point in the story all we know about what he wants for the future is the fact that networking with republicans at a gansey event would be helpful, being queer and poor wouldn't be easy to navigate in those spaces and still thought it was more important to be open in his relationship.

he is also a character that values having control over how he is perceived and being openly queer or even just being publicly in a relationship in general has so many elements you cannot control e.g. what other people say and think about you based on your partner of choice, how the scrutiny or openness can effect said relationship etc. this makes me think he would want to hold it closely to his chest to protect it and yet he defies that.

anyway i struggle to explain in words what im getting at ig but i just love that he deviates from character stereotypes that he would have some similiar traits with in that regard. he knows how treasured his connection with ronan is and considers it a privilege to be loved by him and wants to show that to the world regardless of the uncertainty. it becomes increasingly obvious especially in dreamer trilogy that despite his hard work for career and education based goals there isn't much he wouldn't sacrifice or atleast compromise for ronan, which is potentially unhealthy but idc they are codependent and its fine fight me on it.

i think i also find his relationship with his sexuality interesting because it’s easy to read him as a character who cares for his relationship and accepts being queer without actively seeking out the queer community, so adam going to harvard and lying about everything in his life except his sexuality and relationship with ronan is quite telling of his relationship with being queer, especially because he then seeks out whats implied to be an openly all queer friend group when he could've gone and befriended anyone and made himself into anyone. he finds his relationship so important to who he is and his life that instead of hiding it he wanted to exist and be amongst people who understood that, even if he wouldn’t let them understand anything else about him.

i just love him so so much i feel this hasn't really explained my thoughts whatsoever i've just rambled about parts of the book but yeah i just think its really intriguing how he approaches his sexuality so much differently to how he approaches everything else ig.

TL, DR

adam's relationship with his sexuality is fascinating because it doesn’t follow the typical 'realisation → internal struggle → acceptance' arc even though his upbringing points to this a reasonable arc for him. he seems like he’s already accepted his queerness before the raven cycle even starts, and it’s one of the only things in his life he doesn’t overanalyse, repress, or try to change. he’s a character focused on control, appearances, and social mobility, yet when it comes to being queer and loving ronan, he’s surprisingly open. it’s like queerness and his romantic love is one of the few parts of himself he feels certain about. instead of hiding it, he protects and celebrates it. and that choice is quiet interesting for someone who’s worked so hard to be palatable to the world and be successful by society's standards

[we-were-beautiful]

Unraveled Ends Chapter 3

a/n: Hey look, it's a new chapter. So a little heads up this one is not beta read. I went through it several times, but I am admittedly not the best at beta reading my own work. So No Beta we die like men in this chapter. Still though all the love to my beta for this story she truly is amazing. All my photos for the moodboard/aesthetic come from pinterest. I apologize for any mistakes there was minimal editing done to it. Hope y’all enjoy  Shout out to @whisplion for inspiring this fic.

Summary: A tailor in the heart of Velaris finds herself mated to the two most powerful fae in Prythian. Unfortunately for her the mating bond only snapped for her, leaving her to question on how to move forward. Should she wait for her mates to feel the bond or should she go ahead and reject it and live with the gaping hole in her heart  

Poly!Feysand x Reader 

Warnings: Drinking. And a Drunken Feyre

WC:2.4k

“You want to break your mating bond?” His voice sounded almost sad. I can’t fathom a reason as to why though. The bond didn’t snap for them, so in theory, it shouldn’t have any bearing on  Rhysand and Feyre.

“It’s not so much as a want, Rhysand.” I pause trying to string together the correct words to explain my thoughts. “It’s more that I don’t think I can handle the heartbreak.”

“Why not just tell them.” His eyes search me over looking for some rationale behind my thinking.

“They already have their perfect happy ending, Rhysand. They’ve sealed their bond and started their own little family. Where would I fit in all of that?” I give him a sad smile. Some deep part of me wants to scream ‘Where would I fit in to you and Feyre’s perfect little family’ 

“I’ve already made my peace with it, Rhysand. I think it will probably be better for me to just break the bond myself rather than go mad from the rejection.” I try to give him a smile. 

At least with breaking the bond I would be able to function and provide for my sisters. No, I would just lose all sense of emotion from what I’ve read. But if they were to reject me I would go mad; lose all sense of self. Having to live my life with never quite feeling whole, always missing them. I would take wandering around emotionless than pining endlessly over people who didn’t want me.

“Please tell me that you will think about this, and not rush into anything.” The High Lord pleaded with me, eyes filled with emotions that I couldn’t quite discern.

“I promise. That's why I wanted to talk to my friends in Day. I know a few who have done research on the topic, and Helion said he could discuss the process with me.” If anyone would be able to break the bond it would be the spell cleaver himself.

“Ok, just please don’t rush into anything.” His face settled into a neutral expression with a sadness lingering in his eyes. 

I make quick work of getting his final adjustments before letting him get changed. A heavy weight settles in my chest after he leaves. I want to break down; let all my emotions out. To scream to The Mother at how unfair she was being. Beg to know what I had done to deserve this. To be mated to a pair that was already so happy without me. To beg, plead, and bargain for The Mother to dissolve the bond herself and spare me the consequences. I was a hard working female. I worked long hours to provide for my sisters; I do community service when I have the free time. I volunteer at Adelaide’s school. I’m a good person, and what do I get? A lifetime of suffering. Gods above I really only have two options. Face the rejection that is almost certainly coming or live out the rest of this immortal life stripped of emotions. It's not fair.  Right now all I want to do is cry myself to sleep, and deal with all these problems later. 

‘Go home,’ the shadows whisper, nudging me towards the door ‘you worked too long on too little.’ 

Ever my constant companions. At least I knew that with the shadows I would never truly be alone.  I pen a quick note to Genevieve to pick up Addy and some food. I just wanted to go home and curl up in my bed. I pray that Rhys and Feyre will give me some reprieve tonight.

Days pass by quickly and before I know it a month has passed. I had managed to avoid Rhysand and Feyre as well as their friends for the most part. I changed my schedules based on their appointments. If Feyre was scheduled to have a fitting, I would make myself scarce.  If Cassian and Nesta came in to pick up their outfits, I was just on my way out. I couldn’t avoid Amren though she showed up unexpectedly to grab her outfit while I was working. Luckily for me the tiny fae women could care less about me avoiding their group. I provided good work, and that is what she wanted and cared about. 

My trip to the day court was planned for later this week. I was picking up a shipment of the stunning white linen that the Day court had been known for. While the pure white itself was stunning; the fabric also took in dyes beautifully, and I was hoping to create some wonderful summer sets out of it. I had also been corresponding with Helion about when I could get an audience with him to discuss my issue. I think that this particular conversation might be the deal breaker for me. 

Minnie, one of my seamstresses, had begged me to go out to Rita's with her tonight. I only relented after a few days of her nagging me. We had gotten ready at the shop before walking over to the beloved bar. Three drinks later, I have let loose for the evening; the alcohol easing the tension in my body and lowered my inhibitions. Minnie and I ended up on the dance floor before we knew it. I let the music flow through me. In another life I might have been a dancer or a musician. I loved the freedom that dancing gave me, but I refrained from coming out to the clubs. I had sisters to take care of, and partying wasn’t being responsible.  

“Sweetheart!” A familiar voice comes from behind me. I whip around to see Feyre standing there with a goofy smile. 

“Dance with me.” Her voice is slightly slurred as she drapes her arms around my shoulders. She's tipsy at best, shitfaced at worst.  

Sober me would have said no would. Sober me would have taken her back to Rhysand, and let him take care of her. But right now with most of my guard down, I can’t deny her. The selfish part of me wanted to soak up this moment, and just pretend that she was mine even if it was for a bit. So I dance with her. I move my body along with hers to the beat of the music. I pretended just for now, for this song, that they were mine. That somewhere Rhys was watching us with that seductive smirk of his basking in the glory of his two mates. Feyre and I pull out all the stops to drive Rhys insane.So that he would set down his whiskey and join us on the dance floor. Would whisper promises in our ears before winnowing us home to continue the party away from the prying eyes of the customers of Rita’s.

But all too soon the song dies, replaced with a mellow slow song. And reality slowly starts to settle back in.

“You’re pretty.” Feyre slurs, wrapping herself around me. Her words sober me up. Her silver eyes filled with so much admiration that it nearly physically hurts. 

“And you are drunk.” I tried to laugh but a knife was twisting in my heart. “Let’s get  you back to your mate.”

I force my mental shields into place not wanting any of my secrets spilling out. My eyes scan the room looking for the high lord. Eventually I was able to spot Illyrian wings. That typically signaled the General and the Shadowsinger. It is a slow process to move the drunken High lady across the clubs to the booths. Feyre did not make the process easy. She clung to me and dragged her feet not wanting to leave the dance floor. Eventually, we are able to make it to the booths. There we find Rhysand and Azriel. Seeing the large wings on the highlord was shocking. I had heard whispers that Rhysand could summon wings, but I had never seen them myself. I had never thought he could be more beautiful, but I stand corrected. 

“Feyre Darling, and Sweetheart what a surprise.” His eyes brighten up at the sight of the two of us.

“Rhys look who I found.” Feyre giggles stroking my face, a smile growing on her face. She stumbles just a bit, and I have to scramble to catch her. 

“I see Darling. You found our dear sweetheart.” He laughs at the two of us.

“I danced with her, Rhys. I wanna keep dancing.” I slowly moved her closer to the booth. In an attempt to get her to sit down. Thank The Mother I am able to get her to sit on the bench with a little bit of prompting. I try to move away but she is quick to grab my hand holding it with a surprising strength keeping me close to the table.

“I think the High Lady might have had a touch too much.” I tell the amused looking High Lord.

“Rhys!!!!” She slurs drawing out his name in a whine “Make her dance with me.”

“I think it might be time to take her home.” I look between the two amused males at the table. 

“You don’t want to keep dancing Sweetheart?” Rhys raises his glass of whiskey to his lips staring at me in interest.

“As much as I would love to keep dancing with the High Lady. I do have work in the morning, and I still have to get ready to go to Day later this week.” I shrug, at this point home seemed like it would be the best option for me “I’m probably about to head out. 

“Noooooooooooo.” Feyre whines wrapping her arms around my waist as if to keep me here with them “Stay.”

“I think that is my cue to take her home.” Rhys quickly drains the whiskey in his glass. 

“Darling. Let's walk Sweetheart out.” He gently coaxes her to let go of my waist. 

“Fine.” I chanced a quick look at the Shadowsinger to see his shoulders shaking in barely contained laughter. He obviously finds this whole situation hilarious. I ought to put three extra stitches in his wing slots. He would still be able to wear it but it would make it ever so slightly uncomfortable for him.

Eventually we manage to coax feyre to the door. I had paid my tab before I went to the dance floor, and Minnie was nowhere to be seen. She probably took some female home with her. We had parted ways on the dance floor shortly after we had moved from the bar. 

The moment Rhys had let go of Feyre she decided to latch herself back on me. 

“Come with us. We miss you.” She buries her face into my neck “We never get to see you anymore.” 

“Darling we have to let Sweetheart go.” Rhys attempts to gently remove Feyre, who has all but koalaed herself to me.

“But we won’t see her again.” She struggles against her mate snuggling further into me “She's going all the way to Day for two weeks. And then its Starfall and she not celebrating with us, so we won't get to see her until we have to get new dresses” 

So Amren had let that fact slip. I knew she had been looking at the papers on my desk a little too closely.

“Well, we can ask her if she would like to celebrate Starfall with us Darling. If you want to see her; you can always see if she will go get lunch or coffee with you.” He gently coaxes her to let me go. 

I feel the gentle scrape of a claw along my mental shields. I ever so slightly open a crack for Rhysand. 

‘Once I get her off of you, I’m going to winnow her home. I’m sorry that she decided to latch onto you.’ He whispers quietly in my mind.

‘It's ok, make sure she gets home safely.’ It's a polite response. 

‘Will do. Please send me a note letting me know you made it back to your home safely.’ The concern in his voice is unusual to me but I nod all the less. Soon enough Rhysand pries his wife of a me and has picked her up in a bridal carry. 

“Have a good night Sweetheart.” He winks before winnowing away to their home. 

With the two of them gone it feels like a weight has been lifted off of my chest. My trip to Day cannot come soon enough. Just this little taste of what it would be like with them kills me. They didn’t mean it though; Feyre was drunk and clingy, and Rhys would have told her whatever he thought she wanted her to hear so that she would let go. They didn’t mean what they said and that hurt. I got a glimpse of what having them both would be like only to have the rug ripped out from under my feet. 

A hand lands on my shoulder causing me to jump. I whirl around getting ready to fight off whoever grabbed me only to be met with the Shadowsinger.

“Everything good?” He raises a brow. 

“Yeah Rhysand is taking the High Lady home.” I force a smile on my face.

“Heading home, yourself?” He cocks his head to the side. 

“Yeah, I wasn’t lying about having work in the morning.” I sigh. Work was going to suck tomorrow. The Starfall rush was in full swing and I was going to be gone right in the  thick of it but I couldn’t help the fact that my manufacturer was running behind, and this was one of the first times Helion could meet with me. 

“Let me make sure you get home safe.” Azriel says and motions for me to lead the way. 

We walk together in a comfortable silence.  He doesn’t push me to talk to him; he just walks behind me like a terrifying bodyguard. I had always liked that Azriel was comfortable with silence; he never tried to fill the silence of his appointments with mindless chatter. Eventually we made it to my family's home. 

“Make sure you tell Rhys that you got home or he will burst into your shop like a worried mother hen.” Azriel deadpans. 

“I will write him a note the moment I get inside.” I let out a little laugh “Thank you for walking me home Azriel.” 

“It was no problem.” He gives me a warm smile. “I will see you later.”

Azriel’s massive wings spread out and with a mighty flap he is airborne and heading into the sky.  I quickly open the door and shut it once I have entered it warmth. After locking the door I start towards my room.

Note then bed.

Made it home- Sweetheart. 

With a quick flick of my wrist the note is off. 

‘Tomorrow will be better.’ I lied to myself as I striped and crawled under the covers.

Soon sleeps claiming me in her cold arms.

Tag List: @nyctophiliiia @rachelnicolee @goldenmagnolias @jesssicapaniagua @sweetorangeblossom @cat-or-kitten @alowint @dream-alittlebiggerdarling @coldpeachkitten @esosadomd @araneea92 @saltedcoffeescotch @persephonesalvatore @motorsp0rt @motheroffae @butterfix @unfortunatelyuntiltheend @kissesfromnovalie @daughterofthemoons-stuff @saturnalya @thecraziestcrayon @hjgdhghoe @phoenixgurl030

[s0lemnhypn0s]

(Warning for this post I'm half asleep so I might be incoherent or have disjointed topics. Bare with me, I'm trying to express my thoughts the best I can.)

(and WARNING! i discuss personal paranoias at one point during this, which include the topic of bugs and self harm)

"Billford is ironic we're shipping them ironically" "We don't actually want to see them together" "We don't think theyre a good pair" "its irreconciliably abusive" "its one sided"

ok I'm gonna put forward a take that might be poorly recieved: I think you all are misunderstanding Billford (And each character individually) and just reducing it to "bill abused ford" takes away so much of what makes their dynamic fascinating. And also claiming "Erm its a bit" while engaging in something you "recognize" as abuse only does a disservice to the topic of abuse and how it relates to the mentally ill (I will get into that later). You are treating the relationship as a joke and only acknowledging the abusive aspects when people come at you is just pretty scummy of you. Speaking as someone who experienced a near identical abusive relationship, where my paranoia was preyed upon, causing me to still suffer from the paranoia of being watched by them or that my abuser will eventually send someone after me.

In general, the existence of abuse is a complicated one and abuse is not a catch all, end all term. Not all abuse is built the same. Billford is undeniably abusive, but there is not a period after "abusive", are you picking up what I'm putting down. It's not just "Bill was exerting power over Ford and thats it"

Lets start with: We all recognize Ford is paranoid, but we don't seem to recognize Bill as paranoid in the exact same way, dare I say - Even more paranoid than Ford. I mean, ford got his "Trust no one" quote from Bill directly saying his rule of thumb for trusting people is to just trust no one. He doesn't trust others - He simply doesn't. And this is part of where Bill Cipher's manipulation of SPECIFICALLY Ford comes in.

Now I am going to speak from a personal anecdote of my experience with paranoia and delusions - Me, I will try to "safeguard" against my every little fear and belief that something will, undoubtedly, undeniably, be out to hurt me, and these safeguards are often extreme in nature. They don't make sense to the people around me, but they make sense to me. Sometimes they hurt the people around me. Sometimes, they hurt me. I believe this is the same with Bill Cipher himself. He is taking measures to make sure his worst fears do not come to pass. And because Bill is decidedly not human, only interacts with humans when he deems neccesary, those measures often take the form of something even more extreme than, idk, me shaving my head because I thought bug eggs were in my hair or trying to cut open my skin because I thought something was living in it. They take the form of something abusive (Which is also just... Something that happens with the mentally ill sometimes. I see you guys trying to separate our mental illness from our actions and claim "thats not making you do that". I see you.). Him trying to guard himself from something so terrible(facetious) as Ford's percieved betrayal ultimately becomes a self fufilling prophecy.

Not to mention, if you guys didn't notice. Bill without a doubt projects his own insecurities onto Ford. "I make you feel important" Ford makes Bill feel important. "No one loves you" He was ostracized in his dimension. "Who will miss you" He destroyed his entire home, nobody would mourn Bill, because they were all gone, long gone. "I'm sending someone to steal your eyes" Might be a stretch, but I look towards the silly straw poem "A different kind of eye doctor, who wants to make his patient blind" Obviously the use of "blind" here is metaphorical, but I feel its still in some ways applicable.

Bill very evidently experienced medical abuse and ostracization in Euclydia, something exceedingly common for those labeled as mad. (Which also brings me to the topic of people saying "I'm so glad they didn't make Bill a sympathetic villain in the book of bill" bc. Hi. I'm a guy thats experienced ostracization and medical staff forcibly medicating me in order to fix me. I think he is sympathetic actually). Not only that, Bill Cipher had a trillion years to fester in his resentment and his guilt, and you think that like. Didn't effect him at all. I really and truly beg to disagree.

Not only that: I think Bill felt a kinship with Ford. Ford was ostracized, he was betrayed by the world (and "betrayed" by his brother), he was regarded as a freak for what he was born with, just as Bill was regarded as a freak for his mutation in Euclydia. Bill thought Ford was just like him. Bill thought Ford would understand him, and furthermore would jump at the opportunity to burn the world down with him. And. to his credit. Ford does, in some capacity, understand him. As much as Ford could understand, with Bills lies within lies. Bill craves the intimacy and fears the touch. He uses fear to get Ford to love him, not only because he thinks it will safeguard him from what he fears most, but likely because it is all he knows, all he was taught. Love through fear. Our love is painful, but we only want to help. Pain in love is natural. It's right. It will only hurt a little. This is how you know we love you. He was shocked when Ford rejected him. He thought he did everything right. He had everything planned, for them to be together for eternity.

And bare in mind also that - Bill. Most evidently. Views himself as a monster. When Ford asks about what happened to his dimension, who destroyed it - Bill responds "A monster.", he says "Sixer, it would eat you alive" when Ford offers to help hunt it down. He lets his mask of jovial, mysterious mischief drop just slightly, and we understand just a little bit more of how he feels about the euclidean massacre, how he understands himself through his actions. And what he understands, is that this is just his nature. "I liberated my dimension, Stanford", a lie but not in the way you'd think. He lies, acting like what he did was intentional, as its the only way he could ascribe "reason" to what he did. It couldn't have been an accident. That is just how I am. It wasn't an accident, and I liberated them. (I wish I could go back.) And I come back to the idea of a self fufilling prophecy, because its again- That exactly. Bill decided this was all he could be, he did everything that would make him a "monster" after the accident that caused the euclidean massacre - And so, he was. A sick prognosis that he created and fufilled with his own two hands, he became the monster he and his home dimension envisioned him as.

Abuse is a complicated subject. What Bill did was abuse, yes, but I also distinctly believe it to be a case of abuse between two mentally ill people, one of which is so old, his hate his anger and his regrets, all are ancient and yet so fresh.

I feel another part of the problem is people are taking Bill at face value. Which is exactly what he wants to do because then you dont get at what hes doing all this for and why. You don't get past the exoskeleton to the tender flesh beneath. But stop taking what he says at face value. Read into it more. Analyze the triangle.

Also it might be controversial (hyperbole.) , but I do thing it means /something/ that during Ford's part of the book of bill, where Bill and Ford's relationship is recounted from his perspective, Bill is notably absent, whereas in the rest of the book, he is guiding us through it and constantly maintains a loud presence in it. You could interpret this in a lot of different ways I think, but the way I've chosen to interpret it is as a mix of shame, regret, and an unwillingness to revisit their past together. Perhaps even Bill having enough respect for Ford to not interject his telling of their story together, if you want to get real complicated about it. Paradoxal, if you will.

(Also I find the theraprism to be a most fucked "end" for Bill Cipher due to the medical abuse he experienced as a child. Something something, mad people can never escape the institutions which seek to "fix" them.)

anyway if you read through my mad sleep addled ramblings CONGRATS! i'm probably going to make edits and add to this when I wake up in the morning but i needed to get this out or id forget. billford is abusive but its way more complex than just... abuse. Abuse is a complex subject and it exists on a spectrum, for a lack of better words. and dont twist my words - That isn't saying "this is less bad abuse", this is saying "its complicated and just leaving it at abusive does their relationship a disservice"

[certifiedsexed]

I know this isn't technically a sex ed question but you're the best person I could think of to ask.

I just started dating my bf around 4 months ago and I know that he and his family seem pretty ok with queer stuff but he's kind of a dumbass around the subject. Doesn't seem to be educated about it ya know?

So here's where my question comes in, I think I might be polyamorous and have a crush on two other people at the moment, how would I go about discussing this with him? I don't want to offend him or anything and he's the first person I've ever dated. We're both in high school for a little context

Well, thank you for trusting me to answer! This is an interesting question.

I feel like I'd start by seeing what he knows about polyamory. What does he think of it? Does he know what it means?

I'd also find some articles or videos explaining the topic, in case you need them.

As for actually coming out to him, I'd suggest you start by making it clear whatever is most important. Do you want to keep dating him? Start by making that clear. Do you love him as much as you did before? Start with that. Are you scared he's going to be mad? Start with that.

Then tell him however makes most sense to you. You could tell him part of it now, part of it later, whatever feels best to you. Probably not with a bunch of people around because that might make it stressful, though if you'd feel better with a friend around, I'm not discouraging that.

Not sure how helpful this is but let me know if you have any other questions. <3

[didalexiabreakupwitholgaisback]

el caso rubiales: headlines from day 2, in which we listened to men, men, and more men making excuses and pointing fingers at each other 🙃

today we heard from men’s national team coach luis de la fuente, ex-director for integrity for rfef miguel garcía caba, ex-communications director for rfef pablo garcía cuervo, ex-subdirector for communications for rfef enrique yunta, and former psychologist for the women’s team javier lópez vallejo.

remember that in the immediate aftermath of the world cup, rfef issued multiple statements trying to downplay the kiss, including one supposedly "written by jenni" that she never wrote!

anyway, garcía caba testified that he was asked to prepare a report about the implications of rubiales’ sexual aggression and to interview people involved. the object of the report was a procedure for clarifying facts about the rubiales’ behaviours: the behaviour in the box and the kiss. players were omitted from the report because he didn't have time to ask them as he was told to finish in a day and a half because this reached global levels of awareness and being a problem.

garcía caba stated it was not his competence to determine if the kiss was an abuse of power. but he did use an expert and lip reader to analyse body language, including jenni’s during the world cup celebration, for a later report. 😵‍💫

he testified that vilda did not intervene in these reports. but he did call rubén rivera, who had a connection to jenni, to try and talk to her but jenni did not want to talk to him.

garcía cuervo went next and testified that he had no animosity towards jenni even though she signed a document, along with other players of the national team, asking for the dismissal of some rfef professionals, including him. he claims that some of the statements he wrote attributed to jenni had been given the “ok” by her.

he accused the players for not being accurate in their declarations and said that jenni contradicted herself and called her "a very impressionable and manipulable person." the judge lost patience with this witness and told him that he wasn’t answering questions in the correct manner. (yay judge!)

next came yunta. his testimony conflicted with that of poki’s yesterday. and he claimed that in the integrity meeting where various rfef officials met she changed the answers that she didn't like the sound of. and he said he expressed his frustration with how that meeting went down and felt very uncomfortable.

finally, we got to current men's coach luis de la fuente (who clapped for rubiales during his famous "i will not resign" speech). 🙄 he was in australia and flew back with the team but claimed he slept the entire flight and did not hear anything. he was asked about a supposed meeting at rfef headquarters with poki (who testified yesterday) to discuss what happened and denied knowledge of that meeting too.

at one point, one of the attorneys was asking a question to which de la fuente made a flip comment saying he was not here to talk about these topics to which the judge reprimanded him by saying "one does not choose what one is going to talk about, one comes to answer what is asked."

the last witness of the day was the psychologist, lópez vallejo, who testified that he was randomly assigned to the team without training for bullying or similar cases. he didn't witness the kiss, nor did any players come to him.

he also said: "my role was to show them my availability, to let them know that they could come to me. if there is a player who doesn't come, it's because they don't consider me to be the person who can help them at that moment." 🙄

he also testified that he was not aware of the magnitude of the kiss and did not reach out to jenni at the time. he only reached out to her later when someone from fifa wanted to get in touch with jenni and he helped facilitate that.

he also claims that luis de la fuente was indeed there at one of the meetings but he doesn't remember the details.

so in summary, what a shitshow and a group of low class men 🥴

but watch this fun video of the judge yelling at the witnesses!

source: marca on twitter

[rederiss]

this is so off topic but omg i wanted to say something about what you said about Gansey and Adam being balanced because: ok there's this scene in The Raven Boys where, right after Gansey offends Blue at Nino's, they're standing outside after Ronan and Declan have fought, and they're bouncing ideas off each other. And it's such an odd thing to focus on, I know, but Adam is like... bouncing a ball and giving Gansey ideas, strategies, and Gansey is meeting him pace for pace. And Adam says something, drops the ball, and Gansey picks it up and agrees with his idea. I'm on the bus and can't pull my copy out but it was such a *big moment* to me. And it solidifies that, at that point in the story, Gansey views Adam as an intellectual equal? I think it's a larger piece of how Adam views himself as inferior and how that *is* prime unreliable narrator material because Gansey sees Adam as his idea man, his science guy, his left hand. That part of their dynamic is so fascinating because it further bleeds into the dissonance of how they see their roles in one another's life.

Anyway, in conclusion Adam is the Piper Greenmantle to Gansey's Colin Greenmantle send tweet.

Ah yes… The SpongeBob rubber ball (that cracked me up). That scene was interesting to read, then reread now that I know more about Gansey and Adam. Essentially, Adam is discussing to Gansey about keeping the quest for Glendower a secret, and Gansey states that it’s already too late to keep it secret. Adam combats this with “But now we are being observed” and he was not wrong that they were. At the time, Mr. Noah Killer Fuck face (Whelk) was indeed observing all of them, especially Gansey. Gansey sort of brushes it off, but Adam is insistent enough that Gansey even thinks about the fact that someone is observing them, though he frames it as “Do you think there would be any point to someone spying us if we weren’t on the right track?”

Strangely enough, I view Adam and Gansey as polar opposites, and this conversation solidifies it. Gansey takes what Adam is saying and spins it in a positive/optimistic light because he needs to be the optimist in this (We can also discuss how he is naive in the first two books and that’s why he is so optimistic)… While Adam takes being observed as a bad thing. They are both giving each other what the other doesn’t have: Adam with his logical pessimism and Gansey with his ideal optimism. Gansey does view Adam as his intellectual equal, though Adam, at this point of the story, has such a negative view on himself (due to the abuse) that he doesn’t exactly see that. If that scene was in Adam’s POV, it would have been framed completely different. We would not have that sense that Gansey views him as an intellectual equal, as the idea man or the man with valid arguments. Adam would probably view Gansey as being too optimistic or idealistic of the situation.

All in all, Gansey is the one who views Adam as an equal while Adam struggles with that. It’s not until later that Adam begins to believe he is on the same par as Gansey… and unfortunately that is when their roles began to flip slightly. Gansey, starting in the third book, begins to shed his naïveté (thank you autocorrect LMAO) and seeing everything in a more realistic (not necessarily pessimistic) view. Adam begins to also see things differently, and honestly, they both begin to converge in many ways…

[frenchonionsoop]

How did Oda leave such a strong impression on Dazai?

OOHH ok i have a lot of thoughts on this topic so bear with me, this is gonna be a long one My interpretation is the first thing Dazai latched onto about Oda was his honesty.

Oda is a very straightforward person, he rarely ever if at all has an ulterior motive and it totally blindsides Dazai. He can't manipulate Oda because he'll take what he says too literally, he can't predict him - not because Oda is good at hiding his thoughts, he just naturally has the most unreadable resting poker face imaginable - and no matter what he does nothing seems to phase Oda (keyword "seems", it often does he just doesn't show it) , and it intrigues Dazai.

As seen with Chuuya we know Dazai gets hooked on people who surprise and/or impress him, so I can absolutely understand how he saw the enigma that is Oda and said "you're my friend now we're having soft tacos later <3".

I could go on for hours about the various times Oda has bamboozled Dazai and how each effected him profoundly in so many different ways, but that's a discussion for another time. I don't think just these factors would realistically warrant Dazai's drastic change in world outlook and spur on his sudden redemption arc, so what did?

I believe it was his complete lack of judgement. Despite Dazai's constant suicide attempts and harsh view of the world not once did Oda outwardly judge him for it, which is in some ways a blessing and in some ways a curse. Oda never viewed himself as qualified enough to call Dazai out, which in hindsight might've done harm as there were times were Dazai needed someone to call him out, but unbeknownst to Oda that lack of judgement gave Dazai room to breathe.

He saw right past the silly facade and the darker side to Dazai, he saw a "sobbing child abandoned in the darkness of a world far emptier than the one we're seeing", and he saw a friend.

And this is exactly why Oda's last words hit Dazai so hard. Odasaku, who never speaks up for himself, Odasaku, who's so genuine he'd believe a murderer if they simply said "I didn't do it", Odasaku, who is now telling Dazai life might just be little better if he decides to help rather than hurt.

Bleeding out on the floor of a mansion, in a desperate attempt to make up for all the times he didn't confront Dazai Oda has to find some way to get through to him and fast. His harsh words to Dazai on how he'll never find that happiness he so desperately craves are so jarring they snap him out of his panic, suddenly he's blindsided all over again, and that vulnerable state gives Oda's next words the chance to reach deeper - "be on the side that saves people."

In order to truly get through to him, Oda needed to level with Dazai, the only way to do that in such little time was to repeat back to him his own internal mantra of "never filling that hole that is his loneliness". It's clear his words are false, especially the line "nothing beyond your own expectations will happen" as Dazai's entire speech to Fyodor in the prison is about his belief in the unpredictable nature of human beings.

But regardless, that slap in the face of hearing his own self-destructive thoughts voiced aloud after going his entire life without ever considering anybody else could understand them heightened Dazai's faith in Oda's promise of a life that's "a bit more wonderful."

What makes me adore Oda and Dazai's friendship so much is how grounded and natural it feels. Oda isn't some perfect saviour who always knows exactly what to say, far from it, he was a 23 year old PM grunt with 5 kids and a love for spicy curry, but that's all he needed to be.

Sorry this is so ramble-y and long winded if you couldn't tell already Oda's my favourite character so I have a lot to say about him 😭 Thank you so much for the ask!!!