#abuset DEAD?! CHECK!!!!! | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

rayvern-sheep · 5 months ago

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Not enjoying that my life nowadays is just mental breakdown after mental breakdown

I don’t do well without a goal in life. And since I’ve got pretty much every achievable thing I wanted growing up, even things I couldn’t achieve myself, I’m just lost.

Especially now that I’m in constant physical discomfort, I can’t even enjoy the things. Like, not having a goal in life wouldn’t be as bad if I could actually just enjoy the things I have… But I fucking can’t.

Just existing is genuinely fucking overwhelming. I feel burned-out just by having to maintain my digestive system. I can’t handle anything else anymore idk why.

Knowing my friends are doing well is conflicting. I see them existing and I’m ofc happy for them. And I feel briefly inspired. Until I remember the body I was given… Aaaaand then I spiral. It’s why hanging out w/ my friends just leaves me feeling so hopeless nowadays. I’m not jealous per say, I don’t want their lives, but I want to be able to live one myself.

#shut up ray #cat? check!#abuser kicked out of house? check!#abuset DEAD?! CHECK!!!!!#came out as trans to loved-ones? check!#started T? check!#top surgery? check!!!!#…. now what?#my chronic illness is not fixable #i cant do anything abt it #and not being able to do anything abt it is just making life so hard #like whats the point of existing in constant discomfort. when that discomfort can turn to agony at any point w/ no way to stop it #just at any time my intestines could turn even harder on me and it might not even be smthn i did #i feel so fucking overwhelmed by everything and idk why #my life’s not chaotic in any way #in lucky enough to live in a country that supports those who cant get jobs (if you can prove it….)#i need a therpist but that also sounds rlly fuckin overwhelming so i just panic and stick my head in the sand #years are passing by and scared im terrified of my loved-ones dying so i push myself away from them #i need to reconnect w/ my dad before its too late and idk how to???? my friend made it sound so easy but she doesnt know him #how hard it is to talk over text w/ him #i guess i could call him? but hes not heard me since i started T and i dont wanna upset him….#ive not seen him in years.. hes in his 60s… wtf am i gonna do #i miss him but idk how to talk to him and im so stressed abt it i just cant…#ough… this got too personal even for me #i hate being in discomfort all the time #i cant take my mind off my guts for one second. i can feel everything theyre tryna do and no human is supposed to feel that #the digestive system is supposed to work in the background. but its become my whole damn life #feel like im drownig every day but i cant figure out how to vocalise it #can i just sens a therpist my tumblr and then go from them there? lmfao #vent

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