#adding the ring with absolutely ruins the lore

[hydrahound87]

Me watching as the Pressure devs just ruin their game with every little update:

[kingofpuppets]

elden ring dlc spoilers

here's my 2 cents about the dlc and the reactions i'm seeing

i have no intention of writing a post analyzing in-depth the lore of the dlc since i've yet to go through every dialogue and item description as i did for base game – anything i were to write now would be incomplete at best – so this is not it. i just wanted to address the overall dissatisfaction i'm seeing from a lot of people. like, as someone who spent weeks after playing the base game reading every single line of text in the game, analyzing each environment, enemy placement and design, seeing the reaction people are having to the dlc lore is quite funny. i get being disappointed a character isn't what you thought they'd be but going so far as to scream "bad writing!" is a bit excessive. i even saw people claiming miyazaki changed the writing to pander to the fans and, seriously? fromsoftware never came close to doing that and there's absolutely no reason for them to start now. but anyways, as i mentioned before i'm a huge lore nerd, the kind with a huge mind map containing nearly all relevant item descriptions, there's nothing in the base game i haven't read, so i think it's safe to say i have a somewhat good understanding of what new lore piece in the dlc contradicts what lore piece in the base game. i'm in no way an authority on the matter – there isn't one – nor am i pointing fingers saying "i'm right, you're wrong" – i just don't understand. i've been through countless different theories before i settled on the ones i entered the dlc with and obviously i wasn't right about everything – especially because a lot of it is speculation not to mention there's not really a right or wrong, only different interpretations of the same materials – but nothing new i encountered contradicted the base game lore i had put together. if anything, it strengthened even more some of my theories. so many people are upset about miquella being the main antagonist or that he's evil (which i completely disagree with, especially some posts portraying miquella as some kind of cartoon villain which is more speculation than anything with actual support from in-game lore), but everything was leading up to it if not in the base game in the dlc (the moment i found miquella's discarded love i figured who the final boss might be, when i found st. trina i was sure). "but the radahn fight comes out of nowhere" maybe there's no direct mentions of it in the base game but it is hinted quite well albeit very subtlety what miquella wanted to do with him in one of the dlc quests – not to mention radahn makes the most obvious sense when you think of miquella/radahn as a parallel to marika/godfrey. and miquella using mohg is not even worth mentioning – i hope my fellow mohg enthusiasts are feeling vindicated, as am i. in short, nothing seemed out of place for me at all. so i was really taken aback when i went into the tags and saw the overall mood. everyone can have different opinions regarding their enjoyment of the dlc nor are there right and wrong theories in a fromsoftware game where the lore is so vague but it's quite upsetting seeing people talk about how "the dlc ruined miquella's character" or "the dlc lore has no connection to the base game" when that's simply not true. if anything, the dlc only added more depth to miquella and even if i was heartbroken at the death of my favorite elden ring character, it made sense thematically. if anything i'm more upset about the fight itself but that's a gameplay problem which is not the focus of the post.

[edenfromneptune]

I was kinda skeptical about “Journey to the End” as a movie adaptation for Minecraft – it seemed to me like the studio was taking a lot of risks – but they absolutely pulled it off.

I was worried that a linear narrative about Alex and Steve making their way to defeat the Ender Dragon would be too simplistic and not really deliver the creative aspect inherent in an open world sandbox game, but after watching it, it’s clear the writers were very thoughtful as to how the story should unfold. The film feels like a tour of a Minecraft world more than a plot or even character driven film. It is in and of itself an exploration of Minecraft and its various biomes and inhabitants and the implied lore hidden in the various structures. Steve and Alex’s journey to get to the End is simply the vehicle through which the film shows you this vast world since you yourself are unable to explore like you can in game.

The lack of any verbal communication between Steve and Alex really adds to this. Anytime they communicate it is purely through combining simplistic gestures, much like how people communicate in multiplayer. The only kind of speech is the grunts and sighs made by the various Illagers and the Piglins, which are left untranslated to the audience, further emphasising how Steve and Alex are alone together, travelling through a vast and rich world and it is the world which creates the story.

It really feels like an introduction to Minecraft, but it avoids the pitfalls of being condescending to the audience or over-explaining. “Journey to the End” is just as the title calls it; “Hey. Let’s go on a journey. Take my hand. I wonder what we’ll see on the way?” Even though it is undoubtedly a movie about Minecraft, it is crafted to be enjoyed just as easily by someone who has never played the game. There isn’t some lore dump for newcomers. All the information the audience needs is given through environmental storytelling.

And speaking of, I appreciate that the film added to the lore in the same style that Minecraft builds its own lore. Throughout the film are subtle details that, when an audience really thinks about it, raise questions that have no solid answers. Why did that rogue ravager suddenly turn against the pillagers controlling it after seeing the blacksmith ring the village bell? Why did the guardians seem friendly, perhaps even eager to see Steve, until they got closer? How did Alex know which was the right enchantment even though we see Steve unable to read the enchantment language? Who else could have taught Alex to read if not Steve? Who built that little abandoned cobblestone shelter they found in the Nether? It encourages the audience to build their own story and theories just as the game does, the world brought to life not only by the gorgeous, dynamic animation and faithful art style, but by the audience’s own imagination.

The subtle nod to Herobrine was also nice. I think keeping him as just a silent, haunting character in the far background, appearing only at the very beginning of the film and when Steve and Alex enter the Nether and End. It’s very blink-and-you’ll-miss-it. I had to rewind and pause a few times to spot him. But it’s a great nod to fans of Minecraft who spot him in the film without ruining the mystery surrounding the Herobrine urban legend.

Overall it’s very clear that the animators and writers and even the small team of voice actors that did the mob sounds all love Minecraft and love the film they made. The film exudes love for the game. It feels like they wanted to say “Hey, we love Minecraft, here’s why!” And managed to capture in a bottle the lightening that is playing Minecraft for the first time and discovering new things. It’s a film that’s made not just for kids or for old Minecraft fans, but both. For anyone who has ever loved Minecraft. It shows that animated films and films primarily aimed at children can still have depth and meaning and care put into them.

The end credits being in the style of the End Poem was a nice touch too :)

It would be funny if we goncharoved a better minecraft movie

It would have to have a proper name and not The Minecraft Movie TM so the abomination doesn’t get clout but

[incorrect-lord-of-the-rings]

My film class is analyzing an article about how film adaptions of books will never be perfectly accurate because it’s a different art medium than a book and I’m like *slams fist on table* THIS IS EXACTLY WHY THE LORD OF THE RINGS MOVIES ARE STILL THE BEST MOVIES WE COULD HAVE GOTTEN

Look before you say stuff like “but it is a bad adaption they took stuff out and added stuff in” imagine being a normal, non-LOTR book fan and watching a movie where this one character is constantly singing gibberish for no apparent reason and the one object that is pure evil and has a will of its own has no effect on him and there’s absolutely no explanation for it. You’d be like “wtf this makes no sense bad movie.” Or another example is if you were a non-LOTR book fan and suddenly after the conclusion of saving the world the hobbits returned home and Saruman was still there. You’d need another conclusion for the movie or it would just turn moviegoers away. See, for a book like Tolkien’s work it was a perfect part of the story that showed the heroism of the hobbits even more and how they were newly respected in their home, but if it were added to the movie it wouldn’t make sense from a film narrative perspective. Books can be longer and have more elongated plots than a film. If the Scouring of the Shire was still in the movie, it would have ruined the ending of the film. But even though there are parts omitted and small parts added in, the story and the themes are still there. There are still scenes that were taken right out of the books, dialogue quoted word for word, and the important themes and lore are still there. I remember watching the first movie and being in awe over the scene with Gandalf and the Balrog, and also loving the horror portrayed with Gollum following them into the mines. True, it wasn’t like that in the book, but by changing the scenes a little bit, you can include them knowing Gollum is behind them and use that to explain some of the horror going on in the darkness of Moria without going on and on and on for pages and page and pages about the horrors there. It was great to read in the book but it would have translated badly to the screen.

Anyway rant over i’ve posted stuff like this before if my prof wants me to say something about this i’m just gonna copy and paste this and edit it a lil for the class lol.

[ordinaryschmuck]

What I Thought About "Knock Knock Knockin' on Hooty's Door" from The Owl House

Wow. They are really pushing it for that secret message, huh?

Anywho--Salutations, random people on the internet who certainly won’t read this! I am an Ordinary Schmuck. I write stories and reviews and draw comics and cartoons!

I think it goes without saying at this point that Season Two of The Owl House is setting itself up as a season without filler. Now, filler episodes aren't always bad. Yes, it hurts when a series turns away from the main plot for a week. But at best, they're utilized as a chance for the writers to play around with the characters and developing said characters without it relating to the overarching story. So, some people who see that consider it a bad thing that a series doesn't have that many filler episodes.

I like to call those people: F**king morons.

Don't get me wrong, I see where some of you are coming from. And I'd be willing to agree...if The Owl House was a plot-driven series. Which it's not. It is a character-driven series. Because for every plot thread and narrative that the show presents, they always relate to the characters and develop them further each time these threads get brought up. For example, look at "Knock Knock Knockin’ on Hooty's Door" (It pains me just to write that). Several narratives move forward, and it’s all done to make the characters grow. And to explain how requires going into spoilers. So keep that in mind as you continue reading.

Now, let's review, shall we?

WHAT I LIKED

Hooty: Might as well start with the character that this episode is about.

To tell you the truth, I wasn't a huge fan when I found out we're getting a Hooty-centered episode. I've grown to love him over time, but he is a comedic character that's best used in small doses. Primarily due to how his voice is grating to me (My ears are still bleeding...). With that said, I do really love his contributions in "Knock Knock Knockin' on Hooty's Door" (Seriously, there couldn't have been a less awkward title?). Hooty's antics when trying to help everyone are as hilarious as they are heartwarming. He deeply cares for his friends but just doesn't understand how his plans could do some unintended harm, which is pretty lovable if you ask me. We also get some surprisingly great insight into his character, as he feels insecure about basically being the comic relief who doesn't really do that much other than being funny. Rarely do you get that level of dimension from a comedic character, and it's even more uncommon for that to work out as well as it does here. It once again proves just how competent the writing is in this series to the point where we get an episode about Hooty, and it's funny and heartwarming instead of being annoying. And whoever is responsible for that, you're the best.

Lilith’s Letter to Hooty: I mean it when I say that I love how Lilith kept her word about her and Hooty becoming penpals. Their friendship was something I would have never expected to love, and I'm still shocked that it works so well, so seeing it continue like this just warms me to the bone. Plus, it is pretty sweet that Lilith's kind words are what inspired Hooty to do what he's done in this episode...meaning it's Lilith we should thank here--SON OF A WITCH! Even when she's gone, she's still working her way into my heart!

King going through Puberty: What?! KING IS EVOLVING!

(There, I made a Pokemon reference. Do I get my cookie now?)

Eda Keeping Herself Awake to Train Herself: I'm willing to bet a large sum of money that this has everything to with Raine getting captured last week. If Eda was still the most powerful witch in the Isles, she might have actually saved them. But she isn't, and now the love of her life is in the clutches of a tyrant planning something that could potentially be the end of everything. So I can understand Eda pushing herself to her limit to get back on top again, as I would probably do the same. It's not healthy in any way, and Eda would be doing more harm than good. But when it comes to the people you love, logic doesn't always win out in the end.

Luz Wanting to Make her Way into Amity’s Heart by Making the Echo Mouse Happy: ...That's it. I Just...I just love everything about it, ok?

This was also when I knew that I was wrong to doubt that there would be zero Lumity in this episode. I realize my follies now, and I humbly apologize.

Hooty Teaching King About Demons: This was so funny. So, so funny. Probably doesn't come as a surprise, especially since The Owl House proves itself as a comedy before, but the jokes have never hit as frequently and as hard as they did here. From Hooty getting offended by King's dance to him and Dana's insert wanting a "DNA sample," everything managed to successfully make me lose my s**t. It does come at the expense of King suffering, but I can stomach that much more than if it were Eda or Luz. And, as a bonus, we get lore about how demons work, added with another great joke of King getting in trouble with Hooty for saying he already knows this stuff. Humor isn't always the show's strong suit, but when it works, it f**king works.

King Wanting to Know What he Is: But despite how funny King's vignette was, we still get to see more of his character grow. We learn that he's frustrated now that there's this big question mark over his life now, feeling extra angry that his father "abandoned" him to leave such a present mystery. It shows the hidden resentment he has that Lilith inadvertently brought out, made even worse when King's father hasn't responded to the video yet. King hasn't really gotten that much development until "Echoes of the Past," so it's pretty cool that the writers haven't really slowed down on it. Especially when it leads to these great moments of King venting his frustrations.

King’s Shouting Powers: KING learned FUS RO DAH!

(And now that's a Pokemon reference AND a Skyrim reference. WHERE'S MY GOSH DANG COOKIE!?)

Eda’s Nightmare: If King's vignette hits you hard with the laughs, Eda's will absolutely hit you harder with the feels (never make me say "feels" unironically again). Knowing that Eda's life got thoroughly screwed over by the curse is something we could figure out on her own. But seeing just how much the curse ruined her life and tore apart relationships that mean the world to her really does a swell job at ripping apart the soul. What's even more tragic is, technically speaking, it's all sort of Eda's fault too. She kept hiding the curse, refusing to be a burden to others who would do all they could to help. If she had only been open and honest, things probably wouldn't have changed much, but they most likely would have been better than they are now.

Eda Attacked her Father as the Owl Beast: ...I don't know what I was expecting when "Keeping Up A-Fear-Ances" hinted that there was some possible tension between Eda and her father...but it definitely wasn't this.

The fact that we see blood where his eye used to be doesn't make things any happier, either.

Raine Broke Up with Eda: Before we get into anything else, let's celebrate the fact that it's now confirmed that Eda and Raine really did use to date in the past. Because this show is just f**king phenomenal with its LGBTQA+ representation!

But, seriously, this is a fantastic reveal that goes far beyond just shipping...well, sort of. It shines a new light on Eda and Raine's interactions from last week, revealing that while they're not a couple anymore, they still very much love each other. It helps make their last interaction especially tragic, as they were both on the same page now and could very well be together again. Only for them to be forced apart for the second time in a way that's much worse than the first. And I frickin' adore that this series changes the impact of one episode one week later. Again, it shows just how competent these writers are, and kudos to them for making something so...perfect.

The Moon Person: WHO THE FU--Nope. Nope! We have more than enough mystery bulls**t to deal with through CreepyLuz and Philip Wittebane, so I am PUTTING YOU ON THE BACKBURNER FOR NOW!

(They're probably nothing more than a one-off character, anyway)

The Owl Beast and Eda are Connected: Through visuals alone, we, the audience, can clue into what the curse really means. The Owl Beast doesn't want to be a part of Eda as much as she doesn't want it to be a part of her. Whether they like it or not, and they very much don't, they're stuck together. The thing is, and this is what I love the most, they still decide to make the best of their situation rather than let it ruin their lives even more. This might be the best possible turn Eda's curse could have made. It'll still affect her, and there are probably more negatives than positives, but at least now, it's not the worst thing in the world. And I feel like that's all anyone can ask when in a position like her own.

Eda's “Pretty Dream”: I don't know what emotions are toiling inside me more with this moment. Awe and wonder over how beautiful Eda's dream is, or heartbreak over the implication that she has only had nightmares since getting cursed...I'm gonna say both. Yeah, it's definitely both.

Eda’s Harpie Form: Well, fan artists are gonna have a field day with this...especially the freaks.

(You know who you are. And you're weird!)

Luz Calling Amity a “Cotton-Candy Haired Goddess”: ...Have I ever mentioned how much I love this show?

Hooty Kidnapped Amity: ...Hooty, if your stupidity wasn't charming, I would be more than willing to call the authorities over how you kidnapped a girl in your version of a knapsack and locked her in the basement. For that is going to ring SO MANY alarm bells in people's heads.

Amity and Luz Stuck in a Tunnel of Love: *Smacks lips* Mmm. The adorable awkwardness of this moment is just *chef's kiss* magnifique!

Luz being afraid of getting made fun of:

Amity’s look of hope: I mean...just...f**king--LOOK AT HER:

That is the look of a girl who, while embarrassed as hell, still is ecstatic to learn for a brief moment, everything that she is hoping for has a high chance of being real. Who, in their right mind, wouldn't go "Aw!" at something so pure and innocent?!

Luz Destroying the Tunnel of Love: This is how to effectively utilize dramatic irony. The audience can understand why Luz is tearing the place apart because she explicitly states that she's afraid of Amity rejecting her in the end. They also know that's bogus, thus making it extra painful to watch Amity's heart break more and more with each second (which is perfectly represented through Amity's expressions). You feel bad for both of them, and even worse when you know that it can easily be prevented by the simple art of communication. That's what makes it great dramatic irony. Knowing the point of view of each character results in a scene that evokes emotions in two different ways.

Hooty’s Breakdown: This was...genuinely hard to watch. Not that it was badly written, far from it. It just...hurt seeing how destroyed Hooty was when he realized he failed the people he has such an admiration for. On the upside, a wholesome moment follows soon after as the Owl House gang tries to reassure Hooty that he's done a lot of good that night. It's a pure action that shows even though Hooty gets on their nerves all the time, they still care about him...damn it. I think I'm gonna cry.

Eda’s Advice for Luz: ...Eda...You're the best.

You found out that your surrogate daughter wants to ask a girl out, and not only were you quick to deliver the best possible advice ("Just go for it!"), but you also quickly reassure her that it doesn't need to be perfect.

And you know what? That's it. Eda is the best cartoon mom! She might not technically be Luz's mom, but I don't give a s**t because she is the best!

Luz and Amity Ask Each Other Out: Shh-sh-sh-sh...

Do you hear that?

...

...

...It's the sound of dozens of Lumity fans collectively losing their s**t...and I'm one of them.

WAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

HOO-HOO-HOO-HOO!

IT!

IS!

CANON!

AH-HAHAHAHAHA!

HOLY S**T! Holy s**t! Holy s**t...might just be the best way I could possibly describe this! Finally, after all the waiting, speculating, and praying, THESE TWO IDIOTS FINALLY GOT TOGETHER! AND IT WAS PERFECT! I mean, it was awkward as s**t, but that's what makes it perfect! You know why? You wanna--Hey! *snaps fingers*. You want to know why? It's because they're teenagers. Of f**king course, it's going to be awkward! This is their first relationship, so there will be a lot of missteps along the way. And that, in itself, brings me to the best (second best part?) thing about it happening in episode eight of the new seasons. Most endgame couples get together in the climax or even at the end of the series. But to have them get together this early on, means there will be quite a few episodes dedicated to showing them grow as a couple.

And better than that--EVEN F**KING BETTER THAN THAT--dozens of kids are going to see these two, a realistic depiction of young love that just so happens to involve two girls, and are going to learn once and for all that there is nothing wrong with being who they are. That fact alone is f**king incredible. Yes, it sucks that season three got cut short, and we'll have even less time with Luz and Amity, but knowing how many kids have felt seen today almost makes it worth it in the end.

And if I see one mother f**ker saying this was poorly paced, I might just hunt them down for SPORT...Sorry if that was an overreaction. I'M JUST SO HAPPY! Because they're happy! Look at them. Listen to them! It's so...GAH-HAHAHA!

“They’re adorable! And deserve all the happiness!”: You're darn right, Hooty! You're darn right.

King’s Father(?) Shows Up: What the--WHAT?! They're doing this now?! Here?! After everything else?

Oh, man. What could this mean? What dynamic changes will this cause in the main cast? How could the writers fit this in during the next two episodes? And what--

Hooty Eats the Letter: ...Pfffft--HAHAHAHA!

Oh, man...I should be mad, and I wouldn't blame others if they are...but that is too much of a brilliant f**k you that I can't help but appreciate it. Bravo writers. Bravo.

WHAT I DISLIKED

...Dislikes? Dislikes? You would honestly believe that after everything I witnessed in this episode, that I would have the gull to list anything wrong with it?!

HOW DARE YOU ASSUME THAT I WOULD BE SO CALLUS TO--Actually, I do kind of have an issue with the episode's title. It's just too much of an awkward mouthful for me to get behind. I understand that the writers wanted to sneak the K into the secret message, but were there really no other titles starting with K that they couldn't come up with?

But that's just a personal issue, and in no way do I think anybody else would feel the same way. Especially with how well-written everything else is anyway.

IN CONCLUSION

"Knock Knock Knockin' on Hooty's Door" (title aside) is another A+ episode. It was hilarious, heart-wrenching, and downright adorable while keeping me entertained with every minute. I'm sure there are some issues I was willing to ignore due to how expertly written everything else was, but why bother looking for the chinks in the armor when I could just enjoy a perfect episode for being so...perfect! Some of you might be willing to disagree with me, but to that, I say: Don't knock it till you've tried it.

(Now, if you don't excuse me, I'm going to go lie down. It's...It's been a day.)

[esperanta-dragon]

Here is probably the best coping mechanism I've got when I was attending ComicCon Prague. I was there selling my stained glass and I had a chance to talk with many comic and digital artists and writers. But this particular coping mechanism is from a guy who was sitting in the Artist Alley just 2 tables away from me. We started talking because he loves the undead and we figured out that he loves WoW, death knights, and the Scourge. And I told him how badly I feel for the past few years over the state of WoW.

Me: They are ruining the characters, breaking the lore, doing destructive retcons. I am doing my best not to drop WoW for good because I love the universe but I don't know if I can maintain my hype like this. I am not a consumer, I am a creator and I've put a lot of creative effort into this world, that's why it hurts much more and I can't let it go that easily.

His reply: Look, sooner or later, this will happen to almost every fandom. Especially if somebody else than the original creator, takes over. Most of the time big companies that care only about money. It happened to Star Trek. It happened to Star Wars. It will soon happen to Lord of the Rings. We are not alone in this.

I am not gonna pretend it doesn't hurt. But it hurts less when I realized that WoW is not the only universe that got to this point.

Star Trek - Compare the original series which is about diplomacy and weapons are really a last resort. Then look at the new movies. Suddenly it's action sci-fi full of explosions and shooting.

Star Wars - New trilogy. I guess I don't have to say more.

Lord of the Rings - Original trilogy is a masterpiece. Hobbit was way too long, it added characters that were never there (hello Tauriel) and it didn't have the charm of the original trilogy. It still had some good ideas and parts though. It's not overall that bad, but we know it could have been done much better. Rings of Power? I know they are not out yet but all I see now is spitting on the original lore, twisting things, putting there even more characters that were never there, etc.

Discworld - Ugh, the abomination named "Night Watch"? An absolute disgrace to sir Terry's legacy.

I can continue with more fandoms, but I guess I don't have to. It's sad but somehow the feeling that WoW fandom is not alone in this pain helps me cope with what is happening.

Just cherish what was done well in the past. Just because it's bad now doesn't mean we should throw away the universe as a whole.

I hope this helped somebody as it helped me.

[kinkymagnus]

20, 21, 25!!! for the ask game, please 💖 [also, hiii!!!]

thank you!!!! (also hii!!) i fuckign love video gaem im nerd

20 and 21. Book that would make a good game + Show/movie that would make a good game?

FUCK uhhhh first some reason my first thought was Artemis Fowl but I.... don’t think that would actually work. 

Okay, what’s really interesting is storytelling in different mediums, and one problem with taking a story that is written for a book or a show or a movie, is that it is written for that format. There are some that would make the transition pretty well, even though it might sacrifice parts of the story. Like, it’s harder to get thoughts or feelings a character has without awkward narration, and usually impossible to get good facial expressions or subtle body language cues and that kind of thing. 

I’m mostly talking written/screen to video game, but there are also notable differences between books and tv/movies that are probably why most adaptations are so infamously bad. Things like the amount of information that can be compressed for consumers of the media, the type of information such as inner thoughts/feelings and random worldbuilding details, and pacing. Both mediums have their strengths and weaknesses--the screen can be more immersive, and show you really cool ways of looking at things, and also allow for certain silent dialogue like body language or just more subtle implications (such as background characters behaving a certain way or expressions gone unmentioned) but also they can’t really do things that books can.

Video games have their own strengths and weaknesses, too. The interactive medium allows for all sorts of cool things you just absolutely cannot do in the same way in these other mediums. My favorite is probably environmental storytelling and the ways you can get stories across both purely from the setting around you (like in the Fallout game I forget the name of with the underwater city, or in Breath of the Wild with the ruins scattered around Hyrule, or basically all of Hollow Knight’s storytelling) and from little bits of scattered lore that you have to piece together into your own interpretation of what happened. (Again, Hollow Knight does this amazingly.)

So like, some stories can benefit from that, particularly either stories with a strong setting with good worldbuilding to base that on, or stories that would benefit from adding that yourself (although people might argue on whether it counts as canon or not). 

So the question is to really think about what kind of books, tv shows, and movies can benefit from being directly interacted with and even changed by the player, what ideas can play out through simple environments a player can move around or in small boxes of flavor text to be pieced together, what stories can be conveyed that can benefit from being actively sought out rather than directly fed to the person consuming them. Something like Artemis Fowl doesn’t work, because there’s a set linear narrative and the choices that are made rightfully should be set. While a game completely separate from the Artemis Fowl stories with its own characters simply set in Haven City could be really interesting (such as the life of a LEP officer who isn’t famous and tangling with humans constantly, or even the life of a dwarf or a goblin or whatever, perhaps even with multiple choices of class and species--?) it wouldn’t really be an Artemis Fowl adaption so much as a spin off or addition to the universe. It could be really interesting, as for a cool as fuck city of fairies Haven City isn’t really discussed or explored all that much, but it wouldn’t be a true adaptation. It’d be inspired by, if anything.

I honestly can’t think of any books/movies/tv shows off the top of my head that necessarily would make a good game. 

There are a few I could see being mildly fun--perhaps a sci fi survival game based on The Martian, a Mission: Impossible spy game, or (and I think this would be fun, tbh) a fantasy/mystery retrieval game based on The Librarians or Warehouse 13. I wouldn’t even mind seeing what a skilled game designer could do with A Series of Unfortunate Events, although I’d have no idea where to start. 

The problem is mostly those stories being kind of linear and set. The player can’t really affect them, so to be effective it’d be better if it was a new story entirely merely in that universe, rather than just an adaptation of the original canon. For example, playing Lord of the Rings simply would not be the same as watching it or reading it. There’s no way to really make it organic or have that same amount of emotion.

While it’s not impossible to have a linear set story for a player to follow (See The Legend of Zelda: Skyward Sword, which has issues, but is definitely playable and enjoyable) it’s not really the same if you not only know the whole story but feel like you’re not actually part of it. You can have quick time events to see if Bilbo really got the the ring, or a sequence where you play as Legolas mowing down orcs, but it won’t really be the same. 

Sorry for the long and unnecessarily pretentious answer, this is just something I’ve been really interested in lately so I overthought it like hell.

25. What power-up or ability would you want irl?

Real answer: shapeshifting. This is cheating as it’s more superpower than actually video game related, but like, still.

But answering more properly to the spirit of the question... The things that come to mind for me are Revali’s Gale (just fucking whooshes into the air lmao), Shape of Unn charm (turns into snail and wiggle lol), and Shade Cloak (nyooms through things by becoming a shadow).

Wait, actually, forget all that. I want to be Link from Link Between Worlds, turning into a painting and shit for fun. That sounds rad as hell. Look at me, I’m a cool funky little crayon drawing. Sike! I’m 3D now! 

[asgardian--angels]

Calling All LOTR fans! Why aren’t you on LOTRO yet??

Hey everyone! It’s Molly here - aka, Sauron’s #1 fan lmao. 

Now, we’re a big fandom, between LOTR and the Hobbit and the Silm, there’s millions of us out there, and thousands on Tumblr! And we’re always looking for new ways to experience and interact with Tolkien’s legendarium. Plus, many of us have an overlapping interest in gaming, of any sort. But even if you don’t - read on, I implore you! 

There’s an incredibly awesome free MMORPG out there, one that I’ve been playing for years. It’s called LOTRO - Lord of the Rings Online - and it’s gotta be my absolute favorite interpretation of Middle-Earth ever. 

For those not aware, an MMORPG is a massively multiplayer online roleplaying game, basically an open world PC game that has thousands of other users you can interact with within the confines of the game’s universe. And in this case, that’s Middle-Earth! 

Everything you know and love about Tolkien’s world is brought to life in stunning thoughtful detail, from the rolling hills of the Shire to the eaves of Fangorn and beyond. You become an integral part of the story of Middle-Earth, assisting the Fellowship both directly and in the littler ways that count most of all - staving off the forces of darkness by doing good deeds and helping the folk of Eriador, Rhovanion, and Gondor. Everything you do ripples outwards to influence the fate of Arda itself! Without you, there would be no hope for the Fellowship to succeed in its dire quest. Traveling from land to land, you become beloved and treasured as a hero by all the free peoples of Middle-Earth, royal and common folk alike. While you may start out small, soon your path will bring you to the feet of great lords and kings, and onto the very doorstep of Mordor itself, where the Dark Lord awaits. Fight the fell beasts of Sauron, skip through the Old Forest with Tom Bombadil, and ride your warsteed across the vast open plains of Rohan - the world is yours to explore, and to save, if you can. Middle-Earth depends on you.

I truly can’t overstate how much I love LOTRO. I’ve been playing for five years now and I am just as much in love with it as the day I first started. It’s always a little dicey, as a Tolkien fan, especially if you’re a highly devoted one, trying to judge and decide if an interpretation of his work will enhance your experience or ruin it - you just want to see justice done by him and everything he stood for. Trust me, I’m like that too (there’s no need to talk about a certain upcoming Amazon series...). So believe me when I tell you that the spirit of Tolkien comes alive in this game. The creators, writers, and designers of LOTRO have put so much thought and care, and heart, into staying true to Tolkien’s vision and messages. Great attention and care is paid with respect to accuracy to the lore and languages Tolkien created as well, something that cements the authenticity of LOTRO for diehard fans. You just feel good playing it (and honestly, I feel like it’s helped my self-esteem?? Those little virtual hobbits are so grateful for everything you do). Warm fuzzies all around. With a fair helping of angst, can’t forget that. Not all stories can have happy endings, but with your help, a whole lot of them can. 

So... maybe you’ve read this far, and are a teensy bit interested? Or at least intrigued. This is a chance to expand the world of Tolkien to something you can actually immerse yourself in, be a part of, explore like never before! Wander the cobblestone streets of Bree, smell the pipe-smoke in the Prancing Pony, feel the chill winds of the icy wastes of Forochel upon your face. Do you have the guts to face the Witch-King himself? 

LOTRO has so much to offer! Whether you are interested from a gaming perspective, or a story perspective, it’s endless fun. Before LOTRO I’d never played an MMO, and I certainly would not consider myself a gamer. I came from a love of Middle-Earth, and came for a chance to see that story brought to life. So don’t count it out if you think you’re not up for some hardcore gaming lifestyle - this game has the pace that you set for it. Whether you join a social kinship and roleplay, a raid group to do skirmishes, or go it alone and fish the day away, the possibilities are endless. 

Plus, I feel like it’s worth stating that the scenery in LOTRO is astoundingly beautiful. It’s not uncommon for my friends and I to ride around just for the view. And you know what else? The music, guys. Just, the music. LOTRO has been blessed these many years with composer Chance Thomas, who has crafted some of the best soundtracks I’ve ever heard - comparable to those of the Lord of the Rings films themselves. He truly encapsulates the emotions, the grandeur, the coziness, the uneasiness, the dread and the joy, of every corner of Middle-Earth. (It’s so well-loved by players that TWO official soundtracks were even put out, and I play them in my car all the time, ngl. Check out one of the Rohan tracks here!)

So, for the nitty gritty that you may be wondering about! This is a great time to join LOTRO. Over the years, the game has grown tremendously, adding more regions of Middle-Earth to quest in, building more storylines, and expanding the characters you can have, the clothes you can wear, and the activities you can do! Currently, you can play several races - Man, Dwarf, Elf, High Elf, Hobbit, and Beorning - as well as a wide variety of classes - hunter, lore-master, rune-keeper, burglar, champion, minstrel, captain, guardian, and warden- each with their own unique stories and abilities. Multiple characters can be created for free on one account. There’s a wide customization capability for characters and cosmetic items, for housing, steeds, emotes, pets, and more. That’s part of what makes LOTRO so fun! Most expansions can be purchased in-game using points earned by completing deeds, making LOTRO affordable and FTP (free to play) for a large proportion of its content. Additionally, we have an incredibly thorough and comprehensive Wiki-style website for all LOTRO-related information. This is an incredibly knowledgeable and welcoming community.

...Did I add that there’s maiar in the game too? If you have a keen eye you’ll spot them.

Molly why are really you making this post?

Now, earlier I mentioned kinships. Traveling Middle-Earth can often be more fun with others, and having friends can help you learn the game and offer advice and insight. They can be roleplay partners, band members (yes, you can play instruments in the game!), or just buddies to talk to. Many LOTRO players are in kinships, and each is different, depending on what you want to get out of the experience. You can find a kinship within the game, or on social media - in fact, I found my kinship, the one I’ve been in all these years, right here on Tumblr! I want to extend that hand in friendship to potential new players that are in the position I was all those years ago. 

Our humble kinship is called Dwarrowdam. You may recall this is the name for a lady-dwarf! While many of our members are dwarrowdams, that is by no means a prerequisite. We welcome players of all races and classes. Dwarrowdam is a casual social kinship, where we enjoy helping others out, from learning the ropes to festival activities, deeding, raids, concerts, and much more. We host weekly kin nights, where we get together and have fun for a couple of hours. This kinship has been going almost since the start of LOTRO itself, and we are eager to meet new people! A few of our higher-ranking members have had to depart after many years, due to real life commitments, and we hope to build our ranks again. We all thoroughly enjoy mentoring new players, myself included. Dwarrowdam would be a great choice for kinship for any player just starting out, or a continuing player looking for a relaxed social atmosphere as part of their gameplay experience! We are located on the Landroval server, which itself is known for its friendliness and its roleplay opportunities. It is our hope that gaining a solid handful of new, active members will allow our kinship to return to its former glory. Kinships can fizzle out and dissolve if too many players leave, and that is the last thing we want to happen to Dwarrowdam. It’s been like a home for me and many others, and I believe we can restore it.

I am an officer in the Dwarrowdam kinship, along with Badari and Daerhovan. We strongly encourage you to contact us with any questions you might have, about the kinship or LOTRO itself, or if you would like to join Dwarrowdam. 

Anyone who loves Tolkien and Middle-Earth should give LOTRO a try. For me, finding it was like filling a hole in my life I never knew existed. It’s thrilling, peaceful, emotional, hopeful, all in one - basically, everything that the stories we know and love already are, but brought to life in front of us. I’d like to think that if you tried it, you’d love it as much as I do. And if you’re in need of a kinship, please consider Dwarrowdam. 

And besides, look at Gandalf and his bushy eyebrows. You can’t say no to that.

[emordnilap-fr]

The Maw

lore pinglist: @voltaic-ambassador​ @bavatica-fr (bava idk if you want just ‘locke posts or all lore so just lmk?) (ask if you’d like to be added to the list!)

word count: 2423

It starts with Zenturio.

He’s at his post in the entrance to the Maw, the gaping cavern that few dragons have access to. It’s in the deepest recesses of the lair, kept under watch by Sentinels like himself, shift after shift. The little light there is, cast from the torches behind him, glints off the stalactites and stalagmites like the teeth of a beast.

Far to his right, on the other side of the cave, sits Fizz, perched atop a stalagmite with her tail coiling its way down to the base. She’s quiet, but that’s normal; she rarely speaks, even to him.

It doesn’t hit him at once. But, slowly, an odd feeling begins to rise in his chest; an urge; a pull. And it’s so familiar yet so wrong that he freezes up, instinctively willing himself to resist. He casts a look towards his companion, mouth open to ask ‘Do you feel this?’ or ‘What are you doing?’, but he stops. Stares.

She’s quiet.

Cold.

She’s always been quiet; she’s shy, paranoid, distrusting. She’s always been cold; she’s an Ice dragon, glittering with frost and breathing snow. But now, she doesn’t even move, breathe. Now, her heat signature is dull, and he can barely distinguish her from the stone she sits on; it’s like she’s become one herself.

The pull strengthens.

He should be afraid, still. He remembers the Shade, how it had pulled at him all his life, he remembers gaining his freedom from it. But the Shade had felt angry, malevolent, violent, yanking at him and forcing unto him its will. This pull is… different. It’s calm, inviting, warm. It lulls him into a deep comfort, until his eyes are drooping and his mind muddles.

He stands, slips from his post, claws scraping on stone. He doesn’t know why he’s moving, but it feels right.

It calls to him, from deeper into the Maw. Pulls him in.

He listens, follows.

Nobody notices their absence for hours.

Schatten and Koniglich are in the library playing chess, a favorite pastime while they’re both off-duty. It’s still early in the day, and all is quiet save for the quiet clicking of their pieces on the board. Every now and then there’s a shuffling as elsewhere, Traube busies himself with organising the books.

Schatten uses a rook to knock over Koniglich’s king. His cheek fins flick; a smirk. “Checkmate.”

Koniglich lowers his crests; a frown. “Bitch.”

“You shouldn’t have moved your knight.”

“You shouldn’t have won.”

“Sore loser?”

“Absolutely.”

Schatten chuckles, takes his brothers withering glare as he resets the pieces. Then, something strange happens. He feels something, an odd feeling sinking into his bones that makes his crest quiver. Across from him, Koniglich mirrors his movement.

“Do you feel that?” they both ask, and both nod.

Koniglich starts, “Feels like-”

“-a pull,” Schatten finishes.

“Should we check?”

“It’s my job.”

“I’ll come with you.”

“Don’t wander far.”

“I won’t.”

“Let’s go.”

They stand in unison, next chess match forgotten. Side by side they leave the library, steps in sync and paces matching.

Through the halls they follow the call, letting it guide them home.

Soon they’re faced with open jaws, glinting teeth and hollow throat. The pull beckons them in, reassures their minds, soothes them.

They let themselves go at ease, and the Maw swallows them whole.

Traube watches them leave, wonders ‘Hm, where are they off to?’, until a dragon rings the bell for help and the thought leaves his mind. The guards must be changing shifts; he’ll clear their chessboard once he’s done here.

Flechte pushes aside a rack of sheet metal, sighs, then closes the storage room door. Feuer is nowhere to be found in the Foundry; where could the fae be?

He climbs up the stairwell in the side of the Workshop, emerges in Spiegel’s Studio. Across the room, the mirror sketches blueprints at his workbench, muttering under his breath.

“Hey, have you seen Feuer?”

Spiegel snorts. “Haven’t seen the kid. Lose your apprentice again?”

“He’s ready for his own apprentice, you know, he’s not a kid.”

“He’s a kid to me. Sounds like you lost ‘im. Again. He’ll turn up.”

Flechte… can’t share Spiegel’s brand of ‘optimism’. Something feels very wrong, very out of place, but he can’t place what or why. His instinct has never been wrong, and he wishes that, just this once, it might be.

He doesn’t get to voice this, not yet, as Lehrer and Soleil throw the door to the Studio open and rush inside. Lehrer barely skids to a stop before he pants out, “We can’t find Dunst or Chance; have you seen them?”

They both look hopeful, but Flechte’s heart drops. No, he hasn’t seen them, and he tells them as such. The way their faces fall breaks his heart, and a shiver runs up his spine. This isn’t right.

“You two, keep looking for them, and Feuer.” He ignores the way the two stiffen at another name, another dragon missing. “Spiegel, close up all shops, we’re not having business today. I’m going to Cumulus.”

The two apprentices nod, say, “Got it, sir,” and, “We’ll find them,” before they leave as quickly as they arrived. Spiegel sighs, sets down his pencil, but pauses. He gives Flechte a sidelong look.

“You really think something’s up?”

Flechte nods. “I know there is.”

Another sigh. “Well, I hope to the Eleven you’re wrong, we don’t need more of this catastrophe crap. They’re probably just scheming up some half-baked device.”

“I hope so, too.”

Flechte turns to leave, and Spiegel follows. He bids the mirror goodbye with a nod, then stretches his wings and ascends the side of the Rift. The moment he touches down in the clan’s main entrance, he’s off, sprinting towards Cumulus’ study.

Something’s wrong, and he’s going to find out what.

They’ve gone home.

It’s nearly noon. Neugierig travels down the stone halls at a brisk pace, heading deep into the cave system. It gets colder as he goes, but he doesn’t mind; he’s an Ice dragon, after all.

But when he finally reaches the Maw, where Zenturio should be waiting for him to change shifts, it isn’t the cold that sends a chill up his spine; rather, it’s the fact that Zenturio is gone. Frost covers much of the cave’s surface, glittering in the faint torchlight, and that’s when he notices Fizz.

She’s… he doesn’t know. She’s frozen, stone, ice, he can’t tell, but she isn’t moving and it’s so cold.

‘What the seven hells happened?’

He makes to leave, to alert Cumulus of this phenomenon, when something warm washes over him. He turns, faces the darkness of the Maw once more.

He doesn’t know why it comforts him, when just a moment ago he was confused, worried, edging towards panic. But it does; the warmth envelops him, urges him to seek out more, more, come closer.

He does.

Maelstrom knows something is wrong when Schatten never arrives for their shift change, and she’s even more concerned when Zenturio never arrives from Neugierig’s.

Where are they?

Cumulus has had it up to here with all the shit the clan gets put through. It’s been less than two years since Kiev attacked and created an Emperor. There was a Harpy attack a few months ago, and that’s not including the minor altercations with the tribe since then. The market is recovering from some gods-damned, tax-evading merchants who seemed hellbent on ruining some of the clan’s region-specific markets.

And now, she’s faced with Eiszapfen and Mammon and several missing dragons. Schatten, Koniglich, Rill, and Citrus, all missing within the last five hours.

She rubs her temples. “Are you sure they’re missing?”

Mammon looks offended at the notion that he may be wrong. “Yes! Nobody’s seen them in the lair, Prim never saw them leave, and they’re not in their dens.”

Eiszapfen chimes in with, “We also checked anywhere they usually stay. Library, Caravan, kitchen, nothing.”

That… is rather worrying. But there has to be a rational explanation, right? There’s no sign of a murderer; if anyone with such ill intent tried to move around the lair, they would’ve been found out by at least one of the clan’s skydancers. There are no signs of any struggles, no smell of blood or death, the dragons are simply gone, disappeared into thin air.

“If they don’t show up in, let’s say, four hours, we’ll start a larger search for them. But until then, we-”

She’s interrupted by Flechte pushing his way into the room. Inwardly, she groans. “Please don’t tell me somebody’s missing?”

He freezes, just for a moment, but it’s enough to tell her that yes, that’s exactly what’s happened. “...Dunst, Feuer, and Chance are all missing.”

She hisses under her breath, “Shit,” then looks between the three dragons before her. “You two,” she nods to Eiszapfen and Mammon, “ignore what I said. The clan is on lockdown, nobody leaves, nobody comes in. We’re getting to the bottom of this, and now.”

“Wait, who else is missing?” Flechte suddenly seems tense, like a coiled spring, and she doesn’t blame him; she lets Mammon lean over to fill the other coatl in.

When they finished, Cumulus fixes them all with a look. “Alright. I need all three of you to start a search, find every dragon you can and tell them to leave the lair, under my orders. We’ll gather in the Arena and do a headcount once we’ve found everyone. Got it?”

“Got it.”

“Good. Send Prim and Streunende to me when you find them, they’ll have other jobs.”

The three nod, then leave in a rush.

Just what the hell is going on?

It’s alright, the pull sings. Come home.

They listen.

“You really think the conductors will listen to you?”

“Little bird, you’re a fool to think anyone would be enough of an idiot to ignore my words.”

“Well, there’s always me.”

“You’re a smartass, not an idiot, unfortunately.”

“Oh I think you do mean fortunately.”

“Shut the hell up, bird.”

Streundende chuckles, but stops teasing Prim; they’re on a job, after all. They touch down by the market, parting ways.

“Good luck with the trains, eh?”

“Tch, you’ll need more luck getting a single merchant to leave their stand for even a second.”

He ponders this for a moment, then admits defeat. “Yeah, yeah you’re right, I’ll need my luck.”

“Damn right.”

Primrose leaves, and he walks into the market with purpose. Stand by stand, he relays Cumulus’ orders, and as expected, most are reluctant to leave their stands unattended. But with some good ol’ convincing - also known as: threatening to ban them for life - they concede and retreat to the Arena on the other side of the Rift.

As he goes through the market, he notices that several stands are stocked but unattended. That… isn’t promising. He recognises a few of them, belonging to Eiszapfen (naturally), Koniglich (missing), Bestimmung, and Rastus, among others. He writes the names of any stands without owners, and once the market is cleared, he stands watch at the entrance to ward off anyone who may come by.

Out in the distance, he sees Primrose by the station. Luckily, no trains have come through so far, but he knows she’s going to have her claws full very, very soon.

He leans back against the wall of the stone overhang protecting the market and sighs. This is all one big mess, isn’t it?

When the sun finally begins to set and all the dragons in the market and lair have been gathered in the Arena, the headcount begins.

The numbers aren’t promising.

Streundende saw that Bestimmung and Rastus have disappeared..

Maelstrom reports that Zenturio, Fizz, and Neugierig haven’t returned from any of their shifts.

Mammon finds that Spatz has gone missing.

Akakia - upset and accompanied by Brayth, Atava, and Glainn - says that her mate Umbra is gone.

Five members of Envell’s crew have vanished: Absinthe, Eirris, Albatross, Kuhli, and Mio.

Dezmon reports that Lanyon, Saffo, and Carillon are missing - the last members of the Guild of Gold.

Tuvya noticed the absence of Liebe and Quartz; Oceana found Grendine’s Ward empty, and Glucose and Therrick are nowhere to be found.

This all is in addition to those already known missing. Twenty-six dragons. On top of any merchants passing through who are now gone.

It’s driving Cumulus mad.

Maelstrom approaches, and before she can reign in her temper, she snaps, “What?”

Luckily, the guardian isn’t fazed. At least, not by Cumulus; something is bothering her, though, from the way her brow’s furrowed and the glances she sends around the area.

“I can’t find Nachtlich.”

Oh, shit.

“Oh, shit.” This is very bad, especially for Oceana when she finds out. Cumulus starts pacing frantically. “Where was he assigned to search?”

“The Maw.”

That makes her freeze.

“You said a few others disappeared when they were meant to be stationed there, yes?”

“Correct. ...You don’t think it had something to do with this?”

“Gods… it had to have.” Cumulus sits down and pinches the bridge of her muzzle between her fingers. “I thought about sealing that place, quite often, but there’s too much stone to move. We should’ve tried to, at least.”

Maelstrom sits down in front of her. “Sunset never detected anything down there during her expeditions.”

“Don’t imply she’s lying.”

“I’m not, I’m just saying that there’s no way we could’ve known there was anything there.”

“Alright. Alright, good, just… this is such a mess.” Cumulus heaves a sigh, then stands up again, head held high. “We’ll find them. I don’t know if there’s something down there, or if, for some reason, all these dragons decided to crawl in there, but we’ll find them. I’ll lead a search party in the morning.”

Maelstrom tilts her head at her. “Are you sure that’s a good idea?”

“No. I’m not. But it’s all I’ve got. I don’t want to force the clan to move, but we just might have to if something happens down there.” Cumulus nods once, mostly to herself, and says, “We’ll stay the night out here, help me get the word around, okay?”

“Will do.”

True to her word, Cumulus leads a search party into the Maw that morning. It consists of herself, Sunset, Maelstrom, Brayth, and Atoll.

They don’t find anything.

They search through the day, delving ever deeper into the system, but find no signs of strange magic.

No signs of their missing clanmates.

But, something else finds them.

“Hello?”

[hatsgameblog]

Tunic

Where do I begin with Tunic? Well, I suppose I should start with what led me to it. I play a lot of Soulslike games, stemming from my enthusiasm for Dark Souls and Elden Ring, and so naturally, I'm always on the lookout for more Soulslikes to try out. Tunic, I found by watching an IronPineapple video series where he reviews typically not well-known Soulslike games, though some more popular games do occasionally make it into the series, much like Tunic did.

His review of Tunic was brief, but it interested me. So I mustered up the $29.99 that the game costs, and jumped right in. You play as a little fox person in an outfit reminiscent of Link from the Legend of Zelda, which makes sense given Legend of Zelda was one of its inspirations. You start off with nothing but the titular tunic on your back, though you're (potentially) quickly introduced to your first weapon: A stick. There's multiple weapons in the game - The stick is a sort of placeholder until (if) you get a sword, and you're able to find magical weapons such as a fire wand, a freezing dagger, a laser gun, a frog-tongue orb, and an hourglass that slows down time for everyone (yourself included).

Now notice how I added in those parentheses. Tunic is a game where there is no linear path, and this includes the acquisition of weapons and items. It's entirely possible to go through the game without ever even acquiring your bog standard sword, and in fact, there's a Steam achievement for Tunic that you get if you find the laser gun before you get a sword. I think the only hard required tool you find in the game is the frog-tongue orb, as otherwise I believe you're unable to reach certain places that you need to go to in order to progress the game (though I could very well be wrong!)

The non-linearity of the game's progress and item acquisition also compliments its story. The story is where Tunic shows the majority of its Souls influence, taking place in a ruined kingdom where lore isn't given to you by NPCs or a narrator, but rather it's pieced together by you based off the context of what you see and do over the course of the game. I won't get into the lore of the game other than to say that it's absolutely enchanting and mystifying, and I deeply appreciated it.

I'm closing in on 100% completion of the game's Steam achievements, but that's largely because I was able to quickly piece together the numerous puzzles that the game puts in your path, which, by the way, are sometimes quite in-depth. It certainly puts your brain to work, which isn't a bad thing. But you can probably 100% the game after casually putting in 25-40 hours, which isn't bad for an indie game developed by a single person.

Last but not least, the music. The music is just plain darn good, which is why I bought the soundtrack, even though it was a bit steeper of a price at $14.99. The soundtrack has 60 individual tracks, though some are short (think around the one-minute mark). But I don't regret buying the soundtrack whatsoever, it's all I've been listening to for the past week or two at this point, so take that as you will.

I'd give Tunic's story a 9 out of 10, the gameplay a 7 out of 10, and the music an 8 out of 10, so I suppose in that case I'd give it an overall 8 out of 10. It's very good, and I highly recommend it. Here's to hoping the developer decides to make DLC for it.

[aion-rsa]

Cyberpunk 2077 Patch 1.2 Fixes Problems You Didn’t Know Existed

https://ift.tt/39mYjY8

The Cyberpunk 2077 team has revealed the full patch notes for the game’s recently released 1.2 update and all we can say is “wow.”

There’s no use trying to breakdown the entirety of this patch since it contains over 500 updates, fixes, changes, and improvements. I highly recommend that you check out the (mostly) full rundown of the update if you’ve been waiting for that massive Cyberpunk 2077 patch that will finally make the game significantly more playable. This won’t be Cyberpunk 2077‘s last update, but it feels like the first of the game’s updates that are trying to do more than just put out the biggest fires.

If you’re looking for the highlights, though, then I’ve got you covered. Here are the best, biggest, and weirdest patch notes that I’ve found in the Cyberpunk 2077 1.2 update so far.

Cyberpunk 2077 Patch 1.2 Notes: The “WTF?” Fixes

“Player can no longer cancel fall damage by performing a slide action when about to fall from greater heights.”

If you’re like me, this is one of those things that you didn’t even realize was possible in Cyberpunk 2077 but now desperately want to try. Based on some videos that I’ve seen of this technique, it’s actually possible to survive some insane falls via this method but your survival is based on the specifics of the fall itself and your mastery of the technique. Honestly, they should just turn this technique into an official in-game modification ability.

“It is no longer possible to perform Gorilla Arms finishers against civilians.”

Cyberpunk 2077‘s latest patch notes make it clear that civilians in Night City have it kind of rough. I’m not entirely sure what the basis of this particular change is, but I kind of hope that they put it in there just to give the poor people of Night City a break by not letting you beat them to death quite so easily with your mechanical fists.

“Extending the sliding ladder won’t result in player’s death if they are below it.”

I’ve never actually seen this happen in Cyberpunk 2077, but the fact that it could happen is downright hilarious. Super-powered characters being killed by tiny bumps in video games is a guilty pleasure of mine, and I love the idea of being killed simply because your character is too stubborn to move out of the way of a ladder.

“It is no longer possible to use guns near the arcades during the Raymond Chandler Evening fistfight. // You can no longer pull an Indiana Jones in El Coyote Cojo.”

Ok, I’m actually a little upset by this one. As pointed out in the patch notes, it’s actually kind of hilarious that this was possible as it plays into the player choice element of the game. You could argue that too many of these glitches add up to be more than an amusing annoyance, but I think this one might have been funny enough to leave in the game in some form.

“Fixed multiple issues during sex scenes”

CD Projekt Red doesn’t give any additional details about this patch note, but I really wish they would. Just how many issues were there in these sex scenes? I’ve heard some people say the animations used in these scenes were awkward (which is true), but I’ve also heard reports that players were falling through floors and clipping through objects during those sensual moments. I’m sure fans will waste no time telling us everything that’s different about them when this update hits.

“Kerry’s bathrobe is no longer incorrectly attached to his lower part of the body.”

I had to look this one up, and I’m glad I did. It seems that Kerry’s bathrobe suffered from this strange glitch that made the bottom of it operate independently from the rest. I have no idea what causes it, but it kind of looks like it’s accounting for the proportions of a gentleman with much wider hips. Check it out for yourself:

“Fixed incorrect censorship when playing a copy of the game from a region other than Japan while the console region is set to Japan or language to Japanese.”

This isn’t the strangest patch note, but it’s one I didn’t know about. Apparently, the Japanese version of Cyberpunk 2077 censors some of the sex scenes and a few of the more violent moments. I’m genuinely curious how many people were accidentally playing the censored version of the game due to this issue and didn’t even realize it.

“Fixed an issue where pedestrians could get teleported after being hit by a vehicle.”

I still just want to know where those civilians went from both a design and lore perspective. I’m imagining that there’s a pile of civilian bodies lying around somewhere like at the end of The Prestige.

“In The Pickup, it’s no longer possible to trigger both scenarios at the same time: a peaceful deal with Maelstrom and fighting them.”

Cyberpunk 2077 Patch 1.2 Notes: The Oddly Specific Fixes

“Fixed an issue where dumping a body in the trunk started the vehicle’s engine.”

Ok, I ran into this one several times during my Cyberpunk 2077 journey and just convinced myself that it was a feature. At the very least, I feel like Elon Musk may make a car that automatically starts when it detects a body in the trunk for the convenience of the evil billionaire with goons on the go.

“The TV in Tom’s Diner can no longer be destroyed. If a player destroyed it before this update it will now be fixed and the news will be displayed correctly to progress Playing for Time.”

I also didn’t know this was possible, but it’s hilarious to imagine a player going around and destroying every TV in town only to find that they can no longer progress through the game as a result of their actions. Honestly, who discovered this one?

“Fixed an issue that caused NPCs to trip over other NPCs too often.”

It’s the “too often” part of this one that gets me. Who determined that the amount of NPC tripping going on was well beyond the acceptable parameters for such a thing?

“Fixed a rare scenario where the painting wouldn’t appear in the drop pod in Space Oddity/Space Oddity no longer spawns multiple paintings blocking the quest’s progress.”

I love the idea of largely useless paintings causing so many problems during one of Cyberpunk 2077‘s biggest missions. You just get the feeling that this is the little problem that made the team realize what a mess Cyberpunk 2077 was at launch.

“Fixed an issue where A Like Supreme could get blocked if player rushed to the toilet to take a pill before finishing a conversation with Nancy.”

This one just brings to mind a million instances in open-world games where you realize that QA testers should consist of trolls and video game speedrunners who are able to find absolutely every little thing you can do to ruin a game.

“Car lights will no longer stay on after the car battery dies in Ghost Town.”

How far down the list was this particular problem? Either this is a sign that the team is ready to move on to more minor fixes or this problem was a particular sticking point with someone on the team.

Cyberpunk 2077 Patch 1.2 Notes: The Cat-Related Fixes

“Cat food needed to adopt Nibbles can now be bought at several food shops around Night City”

While I actually like the idea of specific items only being available in specific shops in Night City, the fact of the matter is that Nibbles doesn’t have time for such role-playing concepts. Nibbles needs food, Nibbles needs love, and Nibbles needs it on their time, not yours.

“Fixed an issue in Nocturne Op55N1 where petting the cat would play without dialogue. // V will now properly address the cat, even without Misty’s answer.”

You WILL properly address Nibbles, V. Thank you to the Cyberpunk team for fixing such a glaring omission. Clearly, this is the reason why the game was delisted from the PlayStation Store.

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Cyberpunk 2077 Patch 1.2 Notes: The Welcome Fixes to Strange Problems

“Fixed an issue where V could get stuck in empty buildings when exiting a vehicle parked close to a wall.”

This one happened way more often than it ever should have. This scenario is also common enough to really make you wonder how this problem escaped the testing process.

“Jackie no longer shouts ‘Nice shot!’ when V kills enemies while in stealth mode.”

Truth be told, I actually kind of love that Jackie couldn’t hide his enthusiasm during these instances, but it’s hard to deny that his piercing shouts did kind of ruin the immersion of these moments.

“Collisions will no longer fail to stream in randomly during driving, which could lead to V driving into buildings and falling out of the world.”

I get that Cyberpunk 2077 isn’t supposed to be GTA, but it sure will be nice to be able to collide with something without having to worry about disappearing into the void where those civilian bodies go.

“NPCs will no longer stay blocked on traffic lanes while in fear.”

Cyberpunk‘s poor NPCs will finally be able to move out of the middle of traffic which is good for you, good for them, and good for the city’s cleanup crew who have seen too many horrors.

“NPC hit by a car will now immediately run in panic/Added different animation variations for pedestrians running away from a vehicle.”

Some saw this problem as a sign that Night City’s NPCs just don’t care, but I think these patch notes make it clear that they wanted to run away and just didn’t have the ability to. It’s a real “have no mouth and must scream” scenario.

“V’s hands are now correctly displayed on a steering wheel while driving”

V gets a few animation fixes in this upcoming patch, but this is one of my favorites. I don’t know why it was so difficult to properly animate V using a steering wheel, but I’m glad we’re moving past the days when you’ve got to wonder what the character’s hands are supposed to be doing.

cnx.cmd.push(function() { cnx({ playerId: "106e33c0-3911-473c-b599-b1426db57530", }).render("0270c398a82f44f49c23c16122516796"); });

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[deadskepticfiles]

THE DREAMING PROPHET: EP 4 TRANSCRIPT

EPISODE FOUR: TELEPHONE GAMES (LINK)

Two can keep a secret, if none are in the Song. Spread those secrets to a whole boxcar, though, and some may slip through your fingers. Talking points: Secrets of the Prologue, of Hoadly Street, and of the Maze. Featuring guest, Spoder.

Spoiler + Content warning begins at 1:03. Content warnings: General horror.

Credits:

- lavanya: host, transcript, video editor, asset artist, speak-as-one's #1 fan

- astriferal: host, audio editor, puncher of things

- be11amy: advertising, fact-checking

- spoderman: guest

- xaviul: moral support

- intro & outro music, "ringing bells": a weirdly handsome individual

- transition audio clips, music, voice lines: the blackout club/question games - the blackout club: question games (https://www.blackoutclubgame.com)

 lavanya [00:00:20] Good evening, Red Acre and welcome to your favorite nighttime show, the Dreaming Prophet. Now tonight, our episode is going to be discussing secrets, so in the spirit of sharing, I'm going to share a secret with you. And that secret is, even though some people say that we're yellow journalism, I like to think that we're leaning into McCarthyism and going full red.

 lavanya [00:00:41] I'm your host Lavanya -.

 astro [00:00:44] - and I'm Astro -.

 lavanya [00:00:45] - and we'll be your hosts for tonight.

 astro [00:00:47] This is a Blackout Club show for Blackout Club players with minimal speculation, all lore, and a focus on the known facts. Tonight, our topic is secrets. We're going to be talking about secret passages secret law and everything you can find in the game if you just look a little bit below the surface.

 lavanya [00:01:03] As always, it's time for us to get into our general content warnings. For once, this episode essentially has no warnings beyond general horror warnings. There are no children being harmed. There are no children being injured. And there is absolutely no death, or emotional distress, of any variety.

 lavanya [00:01:20] This episode is good, wholesome fun, and a deep underground cave that exists underneath your town that is slowly swallowing up everything around it. But we do have a general spoiler warning! This episode is going to be heavily discussing the map in general, so we're going to be discussing the secret ways through the maps, some of the neat things that you find in it, and we're also going to be dissecting the prologue to a certain extent.

 lavanya [00:01:46] So if you're the sort of person who really enjoys finding out all of these little niggling wiggly secrets yourself, then this is probably not the episode for you, because we're just going to ruin it all.

 lavanya [00:02:06] And tonight we are going to have yet another co-host: this time, the lovely Spoder-Man.

 spoder [00:02:12] Hi, I'm Spoder. I'm here to represent the Geek Squad.

 lavanya [00:02:14] The most important squad of all. Remember, when you're choosing your outfit for the night, don't go for style. Don't go for fashion. Go for the absolute maximum amount of pink that you can physically cram onto your body.

 lavanya [00:02:27] Grab that baby mask.

 lavanya [00:02:28] Put it on.

lavanya [00:02:30] So there's a lot of secrets in the game and there's a surprising amount located in the prologue. We've primarily discussed the prologue during episode 1, and in episode 2.

 lavanya [00:02:40] So if you need an overview of what happened in that, go ahead and take a minute to scroll on back, and rewatch those episodes. We are going to be focusing on all the interesting little details that you can find in it that you would otherwise miss, more so than explaining the plot itself!

 lavanya [00:02:56] One of the first secrets that you will encounter during the prologue, and that you may not notice initially, is that there is a minor time distortion in the basement hallway as you're walking down it towards the television, before you actually watch the television. You'll notice that it seems to be stretching in front of you. What that essentially is is a time slow. If you walk back down into the basement after you have already watched the television, it will not occur.

 lavanya [00:03:24] It's only when you're initially entering that everything will slow down as you approach that television.

 spoder [00:03:29] After you repair the television and look back down the hallway, you'll see a shadow of your character, Bells, kneeling at the other end. If you close your eyes and then walk down the hallway, you're allowed to skip the trigger of the shadow disappearing and you can get an up close look at it as you pass into the living room again.

 astro [00:03:44] You can also see the shape. His shadow appears on the ground through the window, and when you close your eyes you can see him there. Bells comments on this, saying, "I can see you!".

 astro [00:03:54] But when you close your eyes again, he's gone.

 lavanya [00:03:57] An important thing to note here is, unlike in the rest of the game either in the prologue or in the main multiplayer section, the Shape is completely flat. He has never hit the gym at this point in his development. He has probably never left his house before; this is his first foray into the world. And then, after the prologue, he starts hitting the gym.

 lavanya [00:04:18] He's fully 3D.

 spoder [00:04:19] This pre-swoll Shape might be caused by the fact that there are two different stages of Bells house: one before she wakes up, where the closet garage door and front door is all mysteriously missing and just replaced by flat walls. The second stage of her house is after she's woken up. All the doors - closet, garage, front - have returned, along with sound barriers and trucks in front of her house.

 astro [00:04:42] This dream state also affects other parts of the house, and other parts of the sequence that follows as Bells goes on her quest. She will see things begin to appear in her living room - the unity tree, for instance - and streamers hanging from the ceiling.

 astro [00:04:56] Before the Unity tree appears, though, you can see its reflection in the glass cabinet in the living room. This may be a bug, but it's also a really fascinating little bit of foreshadowing.

 lavanya [00:05:08] In the office, there is a book that describes the prisoner's cinema, which is a fun link in to all these various Easter eggs they have.

 lavanya [00:05:16] Essentially, the prisoner cinema is when you close your eyes and you see unusual lights in the darkness - or, sometimes, unusual shapes. This book adds a fascinating element to the game, on that we're pretty sure from the point of view of the child, that you're playing most of the things that you see are real. But as with basically everything in the prologue, it introduced the question of:.

 lavanya [00:05:40] Is it actually real, or are you just seeing shapes in the darkness?

 lavanya [00:05:44] Or are you seeing cards on your bed? Because, if after you fixed the TV, you backtrack all the way to Bells room and you look at the bed, there will be something added to it: specifically a prom invitation between Bells and a mysterious, identifiable black shape. This only appears during the dreaming state, so it's fairly clear that it's not really there.

 lavanya [00:06:09] But that won't stop Bells from reacting, and freaking out over it.

 spoder [00:06:13] After the Shape comes out and you're encouraged to run into your house to escape him, you're actually allowed to linger. And if you do, you can see them walking around your house. But you don't have to be scared of him. He can't actually see or hear you.

 spoder [00:06:24] You can dance all you want, a foot in front of him, but he won't care.

 lavanya [00:06:28] Bells talks constantly all throughout the prologue, reacting to everything that she sees. If you wait down in the observation room and just hang around - chill out,  check your phone - then, eventually, she will start giving off secret voice lines, basically discussing whether or not she's completely insane, whether she's made this up, if she's actually having creepy detailed outline of her house in her basement, if she has a basement.

 lavanya [00:06:54] All of that. Bells character is very well-defined throughout the prologue. We know what she wants, we know her motives, we know what she's scared of, ultimately, but these little extra voice lines are a fascinating insight into her character that otherwise she may not necessarily get.

 astro [00:07:09] If you managed to break into the last door in the door hallway, you'll find a secret room there where the voice that you're speaking to chides you, saying taking our time, eh?

 astro [00:07:21] And then offers you a replacement lock pick.

 spoder [00:07:24] The code to the key pads later on the prologue are always the same. So if you know it, you're able to rush through that part quickly.

astro [00:07:33] Inside the main game, there's even more secrets. If you look around you can notice a few patterns about the world that you're in. For instance, for a very low tech area, Red Acre has a lot of tech magazines. You can find them stacked up in various houses, indicating the owner's interest.

 astro [00:07:49] In 919, in fact, there's one magazine on the coffee table that you can pick up. It's the only one in the game. There's no reason that you can pick it up and you probably aren't supposed to, given that it's the only item in the game that doesn't have a black and white icon in your inventory, but it is very fun to pick up.

 lavanya [00:08:08] 918 Hadley is.. If you ask basically anyone who's played the game, it is widely agreed upon to be the best house out of all the houses available. And why is that,  you might be asking? It's because it's the fucking SAO house.

 lavanya [00:08:22] 918 Hadley has lovely Chiara's room. She has two of everything in her room: two beanbags, two bunnies on her dresser with a cup wedged beautifully between them.  If you look at the floor, she's even got all of her blocks arranged in stacks of two. She's even had two backpacks, though god only fucking knows what a child needs two backpacks for. And on the wall she has "I'M 11", except the thing is it's not that she's 11 - it's a symbol with her face wedged right between the two arches.

 lavanya [00:08:55] And if you can get over seeing double in Chiara's room, and you head down into the basement you'll end up in Devin's room. And Devin is one of the few named characters in the game, at this point, who we've had the chance to explore their character in depth to the same extent that we've seen Bells.

 lavanya [00:09:12] Devin is featured or mention in 6 of the journal entries, which is the most information that we've had to one character so far. And if you head down into the basement, you'll be in their room! Their room is not quite as amazing as Chiara's room, because there is no religious symbology whether it's from false, fake-ass voices, or the one true voice. They do have posters. They have a picture of what may very well be themself with a slightly questionable mohawk.

 lavanya [00:09:41] And they have a button up on the wall.. but not much else. If you want to hear more about Chiara and Devin, then you're in luck because 918 is one of the few houses that has numerous, as I mentioned before, journal entries dedicated to its inhabitants. You can go ahead and read anything in the 918 category, which includes Harper and the letter to Alberta, Devon's diary excerpts 1 to 3, or the mom call transcript 1 through 2.

 lavanya [00:10:09] If you don't have these journal entries unlocked yet, then this is a great time to either hop to the official community discord and go ahead and ask someone - because people are always willing to give you information - or else you can always just ask your friends. Because one of the best things about the Blackout Club, as always, is sharing information with other people that you're playing with, and being able to share your theories as you're going through it.

 spoder [00:10:36] 920 doesn't have all that much to go on, but we do know a few things, like how the family has twins - as we can tell by the two beds in the kids room. It also has a very creepy inventory manifest as its only journal entry, where we learn the names of the twins: Marshall and Margo Wellesley.

 lavanya [00:10:53] 921 Hoadley's an interesting case in that we know absolutely jack and shit about the residents. What's their names? Who knows. What do they do with their lives? Who knows. There are no journal entries for this house. There is no maze access inside the house, and there are no mentions of the residence or anything else from the other journal entries. We do have some minor information, which leads to a fun secret that you can find in the game!

 lavanya [00:11:20] One - or both of the parents who live in 921 Hoadley - are members of the military. They have a prisoner of war flag outside of their house. They have two medals up on their wall, and they have pictures, and they have military souvenirs all over the place.

 lavanya [00:11:35] Which, at first - this may not seem noteworthy in itself, but if you go across the street from 921 Hadley, and you look at the deer statue, you'll find something interesting. It has a plaque on it that says:.

 lavanya [00:11:46] Deer Fall Park: dedicated to the men and woman of the township who have faithfully served to preserve our freedom presented by its grateful residents in 1983.

 lavanya [00:12:00] So, that's a fun secret to find inside of the game! You won't necessarily notice that normally, but it does give us a rough time for when Red Acre has at least been around since, and it gives a hint at least some aspect of 921 Hadley and that, maybe, whatever they did in the military was so noteworthy, or so well respected inside of Red Acre, that they got a fucking statue for it?

 astro [00:12:21] 922 Hadley is Siobhan and Niolle's house.

 astro [00:12:25] This house has four relevant journal entries. The Niolle Baby Book entries 1 through 3, and the Red Acre police report. In this report, Colm Ryan is mentioned - presumably Siobhan's brother. His room is the storage room and the upstairs across the hall from the master bedroom. It has a weird altar in the corner. There's a symbol on it that we can't quite recognize. And that appears nowhere else in the game. It appears to be a triskelion: three legs, walking in a circle, and it also appears to be broken.

 lavanya [00:12:57] If you head over 1001 Hoadley, then that is the Quiroga's house. Maligras Quiroga is noteworthy in that she has one journal entry that she directly writes, that is Maligra's Letter to the school board.

 lavanya [00:13:13] Essentially, she's one of the few people in Red Acre that is not interested in maintaining complete isolation for the children. And what makes this unique in the game is that she is also the only political figure that we know of.

 lavanya [00:13:27] If you enter her house and you look around, she has a new voice for Red Acre and her mail campaign, which I'm sure is not an SAO slam, but we're going to pretend briefly that it is. The older Quiroga is interested in increasing the children of Red Acre exposure to outside technology, outside people, and the outside world in general. The younger Quiroga is interested in multiculturalism as well, as seen by the fact she's not only making a dress, she's making a flag dress.

 lavanya [00:13:54] We have no direct confirmation of anything about the younger Quiroga or what exactly a new voice for Red Acre might mean in terms of what the older Quiroga knows.

 lavanya [00:14:08] But it's interesting to look at.

 astro [00:14:09] 1003 is one of the most ominous houses -.

 lavanya [00:14:15] or one of the most beautiful depending on who you ask.

 spoder [00:14:16] The House is most well known for its upstairs bedroom, which is covered in clown wallpaper. Walking around the house, you may notice that all the hung pictures are photos of plants. You may think it's just temporary assets, but it is confirmed by a dev that all current pictures were chosen for a reason.

 spoder [00:14:32] So, who knows what these might be for?

 astro [00:14:34] And now for a word from our sponsors!

be11amy [00:15:00] Introducing the Red Acre Sleep Aid! Let’s face it - Red Acre has a thriving nightlife, and it can make it very hard for early birds like you to get a good night’s sleep! Luckily for you, the Red Acre Sleep aid is a highly effective spring-loaded and injection-based sleep aid. Just point the Red Acre Sleep Aid device directly at yourself and pull the trigger for a good night’s sleep. Because sleep is a beautiful thing. Take the Red Acre Sleep Aid, and dream well! Disclaimer: We are not responsible for injuries sustained when using the Red Acre Sleep Aid.

lavanya [00:15:40] So, our next section is going to be discussing the secrets of the maze~. Now you may be thinking the entire maze is fucking secret, but the joke's on you, because it is cram packed full of shit that you will never see unless you in-depth explore or unless you're paying entirely too much attention to it.

 lavanya [00:16:02] There are a ton of secret passageway all throughout the maze, which, if you're careful - you have a grappling hook - or you just have very good timing - you can navigate almost the entire maze without ever touching the ground. This is insanely useful when it comes to dodging the Shape, and it's also incredibly useful when it comes to dodging the Lucids.

 lavanya [00:16:23] Because they may be able to see you, and they will climb up to get you - but it's going to take them fucking forever. And by the time they actually get up there, you will already be gone!

 lavanya [00:16:32] One of the most interesting things about the maze to me is the fact that all of the rooms that play music are a part of the song are actually named after body parts. Unfortunately, I know jack shit about anatomy, I can't lead the way on that.

 lavanya [00:16:48] Personally, when it came time to choose our electives, I did the right moral thing, and I looked the health class in the eyes, and I said no.

 lavanya [00:16:56] So I took CHORUS.

 lavanya [00:16:59] Fortunately, Astro was homeschooled, so Astro is here to lead us through this amazing analyses of the human body. Your turn, Astro~!

 astro [00:17:10] I can't believe you'd expose me like this.

 lavanya [00:17:12] [laughter]

 astro [00:17:12] The Throat is one of the first parts of the instrument you'll come in contact with, and it may not be quite obvious, because it doesn't have any visible strings, but the throat is important because it's a resonator.

 astro [00:17:26] At the bottom of the Throat, there's water which you can only see when you fall into it, which is not advised. For the record, you can also hear it though in the ambient water dripping sound effects. If you stand close to it for long enough, it seems to have an opening to the surface of some sort far above it, if you look straight up - and hopefully when you're not falling into it.

 astro [00:17:47] Ingestion is another part of the Instrument that plays music. This has strings across it that you can climb on and hide from anyone who may be trying to get you. If you're lucky enough to carry a grappling hook, it also has a secret access to String Relay.

 astro [00:18:01] The Nerve Center can be found at the end of Ingestion. At the lowest level, it has secret accesses to the Sleepers Lockers to String Relay, into the airway bathroom.

 astro [00:18:12] Standing on top of - or passing just under the big gong or cymbal - will let you hear weird voices! This is the same part of the Instrument that you see in the prologue, when you're trying to jump across the large chasm.

 astro [00:18:21] The Airway is possibly the simplest part of the Instrument, because it's one long hallway that extends from the Nerve Center to Dream Therapy. It is a straight shot across and it connects to String Relay and the Airway Bathroom. But if you need a place to hide, you can duck up into the catwalk above it.

 astro [00:18:38] And finally, the Plexus. The Plexus has strong fluorescent lamps that you can hide on top of with a very well timed, and well executed, jump. You can also use your hook to shortcut through parts of it, as it's very large and has multiple levels.

 lavanya [00:18:53] When you head down into the maze, 920 Observation is one of the first rooms and it's kind of interesting in that - go ahead and look up when you're either on that platform, or when you're down on the ground, and you can see that the entire house outline on the ceiling!

 lavanya [00:19:07] If you go ahead and you have one of your teammates go into the house, you'll see that it actually lines up perfectly: where it says kitchen is exactly where the kitchen is, where it says garage is exactly where the garage is. And it's interesting in that.. we don't know why it's there.

 lavanya [00:19:24] Instrument Supplies is one of the most fascinating rooms in the game, because you can look all around you and it is chock full of secrets! Secret number one: there are no fucking instruments, there are no fucking supplies. The entire name of this room is a lie. It should probably be called Big Ass Ladder Room, because it does have multiple big ass ladders. However, there are still some secrets that are slightly more obvious than this scintillating fact! But the most exciting thing about Instruments Supply - the most scintillating fact - the thing that sparks the most joy in players heart - is the fact it not only has one, but it has TWO shortcuts!

 lavanya [00:20:10] If you have your grappling hook, like a good decent moral heart player, you can go ahead and throw that across the Throat and make the jump, either into String Relay or Host Conditioning.

 lavanya [00:20:22] Your friends may say: this is crazy! Your family may say: this is crazy! Lucids may weep as they see you hurtle all over the edge of the cliff, towards your inevitable demise into the Throat. But the stronghearted and the best of us all are willing to die for their ideals, for their passion, and in the pursuit of getting that 30 second - or possibly 10 second - shortcut out of the way.

 astro [00:20:49] That's an interesting thing to say coming from you.

 lavanya [00:20:53] Sometimes, we all have to lean in a little bit to our internal Die-for-You, and realize, if saving precisely five seconds at the risk of adding five minutes as your friends chase your shaped body across the maze isn't worth it, then what in life truly is?

 spoder [00:21:10] I stand by these claims.

 spoder [00:21:12] Cryptogram Library is notorious for being one of the largest rooms in the maze, only being rivaled by Dream Therapy. It has secret tunnels on the red side connecting to New Growth, and Sleepwalkers Lockers. The room contains two projectors being fed slides through a conveyor belt, which then are projected onto these little red rooms either side of the cryptographic library.

 spoder [00:21:31] The red room on the south side of Cryptogram Library is the only current known spot where you observe Rare Behaviour.

 spoder [00:21:38] Subliminal Media contains two parts: a room completely covered in soundproof foam, and an all white room projecting a yak video to an empty audience. In front of the beautiful yak video, there is a hole in ceiling, which, if you have a grappling hook, you can use to climb underneath one of the Somniloqs. Beneath Subliminal Media, there's a small tunnel in the back northwest corner, which leads into the well.

 spoder [00:22:00] Back in the soundproof room, there are four tiny cubicles containing three monitors each, projecting a certain portion of the maze. Now these aren't live feeds, you can't go there and dance in front of it, but you can still see certain sections of the maze.

 lavanya [00:22:15] Film Archives is a fascinating room, because at first glance, it just looks like a huge ass cave. Film Archives, as you wander around in it, you'll see that there's shelves up on the walls, and what you should do is go over to them and go ahead and take a look. It is filled with the same sort of projector tapes that are used in the projectors that we see throughout the maze.

 lavanya [00:22:34] And these projector tapes have names! As of July 28, 2019, these names are currently works in progress, and if I remember correctly, the dates on them are not accurate. But what they show, as of right now, is that they are the names of children. They are further examples of the recording that you can see all throughout the maze, in the form of houses being shown, or streets being shown on the television screens, or in the constant fucking cameras that you will always be tripping over.

 lavanya [00:23:08] Sleeper Lockers, despite the names, is not a place where you go to sleep. They do not have any beds in them. They are, in fact, just a locker room for the sleepers. But despite that, they don't have any showers either. It's literally just a shit ton of lockers that are not even linked to the bathroom - the Sleepers Bathroom being the one place in the maze that is not named, and that you never want to go, fragment   aside. In fact, their placement in the maze really just doesn't make any fucking sense. But that's CHORUS funding for you.

 lavanya [00:23:41] So the Sleeper Lockers are not connected to the bathrooms. They're not connected to the Barracks, and they're not connected to any place that would make actual sense. But what they are connected to is the Cryptogram Library! So if you ever need to go to the Cryptogram LIbrary and check out some fascinating slides of people doing yoga, then just remember you can just pop up through the ceiling, climb down the rafters, and go watch them in the nice sweet privacy of the Sleeper Lockers.

 lavanya [00:24:09] From there, the other place that you can reach is - you can head underground into the Nerve Cluster from the Sleepers Lockers, which there's no explanation again on why there's vents in the floor filled with ladders in here, but it's best not to ask questions. There are some things that young minds just aren't meant to know.

 lavanya [00:24:26] Or else you can head off into Ingestion, through climbing on the sin wires. From there, you can also once again reach the Neve Cluster, so, no matter where you go, if you need to go to the Nerve Cluster, you probably can just cut through the fucking Sleeper Lockers. That's what they're there for.

 lavanya [00:24:43] Dream Therapy, once again, despite the name, is somewhat disappointing in that there are no beds here. There is nowhere to sleep, unless you want to go cocoon yourself into one of the creepy recording stalls or huts across the place. Interesting thing about Dream Therapy, though, despite the misleading name, is the fact that its forest themed, much like one of the houses above ground. Dream Therapy is green. In fact, it's so green that you could say that it's Green Therapy. The wood is green, the lighting is green - even the pipes, depending on how you look at them, are pretty much fluorescent green everywhere.

 lavanya [00:25:15] In Dream Therapy, you will see the plants in the form of the strange exotic pillar things above you, or else in the literal form of the ivy that is growing fucking everywhere. If you look at the shadows of some of these strange tree pillar things that they have all throughout, you can kind of see the words "S H" written out in them. Is that intentional? Is that just the human mind desperately grasping at shapes that it recognizes, in what is frankly a pretty fucking confusing shadow? Who knows! But it's there.

 lavanya [00:25:50] At the highest level of Dream Therapy, there's a weird set that is essentially of a school. You have lockers, you have desks, you have tables, and you have the constant droning buzz of a thousand voices, bells ringing, weirdness going on up there. We're not exactly sure what that means, because it's never explicitly mentioned in any of the journal entries, but you can kind of hazard a guess -  especially given that Dream Therapy is only connected to three places: the Somniloq, the Airway, and Hosts Conditioning.

 astro [00:26:23] The Arches have an access to the twist just above it.  If you climb into the crawl space, above the walking area, you can reach that or you can hide from enemies, or stalkers. The crawl space is reachable by grapple or by a lucky jump.

 astro [00:26:37] Signal relay can be found at the end of the Plexus. It has two mirrored chambers on either side, and there are ladders that lead to an attic above it for hiding or for playing the strings. There is a shaped door between the two halves and, other than the placement of a chair and a contraband locker, they are almost exactly the same. There are two Somniloquoys, which also branch off of the Plexus. According to the update notes, with update 7, Somniloquoys, there is a reason for this. We just don't know yet what it is.

 astro [00:27:06] One of these Somniloquoys seems to be in progress. It has scaffolding, work lights, and more sound proofing, while the other one looks much more polished. In the center of each, large tanks hold glowing gas that gets vented out the top. There is usually at least one passage from the control room to the topmost level in both, where catwalks surround the room.

 lavanya [00:27:24] String Relay is a pretty straight forward room. It is a giant fucking cave, much like most of the maze, and surprisingly, it is filled with strings. [laughter] These strings are constantly moving. Some of the interesting things here are that, if you touch the moving wires, at least in the past, then they would make sin / noise. There is a single suspended wire between two of the catwalks that you can walk across. This is the only way. Do not touch that single wires, because you will fall through.

 lavanya [00:27:54] There is a secret hidey hole to the side that faces the throat, where you can kind of tuck yourself away and it is pitch black. The lucid will not see, stalkers may not see you, and for stalkers, players will probably not see you because they're gonna assume you ran out the other way. This hidey hole does have a dangerous secret, though, and that it is filled with the ~danger sticks.~ These dangerous sticks are technically waterphone spines,but we're just going to stick with dangerous sticks for the aeshetic.

 lavanya [00:28:24] If you touch the danger stick, it will make noise. Not only will it make noise, it will make a shit ton of noise. You can not climb on the dangerous sticks. You cannot place your hook on the dangerous stick. These danger sticks will bring you nothing but pain in your life. So, frankly you should avoid them and probably find a better hiding spot.

 lavanya [00:28:44] The Barracks only have one secret tunnel. So, when you're heading down the stairs look to the left. You're going to see that pantry full of supplies with a water tank and a picnic table, perfectly positioned so that you can watch your co-workers sleep. But if you can hold off from that level of casual voyeurism, if you just look up, you'll see a secret tunnel that will let you slip all the way to the wall and out almost towards the back.

 lavanya [00:29:12] That is the only place that Barracks has in terms of secret tunnels! Other than that, it connects to the plexus.

 lavanya [00:29:18] So, Host Conditioning is an interesting place, because as you're walking inside, if you close your eyes you'll see something on the floor. It's an eye symbol! That eye symbol is something made to ward off the Adversary, and all of those poor unfortunate souls that are foolish enough to fall in step with him. This is a fond reminded everyone, but especially Spoder, that just because the eye symbol is on the floor in Host Conditioning, that doesn't mean you're not welcome here.

 lavanya [00:29:46] It means that you should go on in! Step onto the disco floor down below, and accept the song into your heart.

 spoder [00:29:55] New Growth is one of those rooms which are obviously still under construction. It features scaffolding, tarps, and various supplies scattered around the room. On the northeast side of the room, it features two exits: one into the twists and one into the Somniliquoy. It also connects to the well on the northwest side. The well acts almost like an elevator, connecting to multiple parts of the maze. It features a staircase to the barracks on the bottom, along with a tunnel connecting to Subliminal Media, and two doorways connecting to Film Archives above it.

 spoder [00:30:27] It has an entrance to New Growth, and to the Somniliquoy, which is only accessible by using a grappling hook at the top of the well, which is gated off, but will one day connect to oOld Growth.

 astro [00:30:44] There are more secrets here that we haven't covered, and we can't get everything in this one episode. There's quite a lot to cover! Even though the map may not be as expansive as other games, it's deep and that depth extends into the detail as well as the physical depth. Additionally, there will definitely be more secrets in the game after this comes out.

 astro [00:31:04] We're recording this before the full release of the game on July 30th, so we can't tell you about what's going on there. You'll just have to find it for yourself.

astro [00:31:12] Our new show music is called Ringing Bells. It has been provided to us by a generous, anonymous person, who has asked us to credit them as a weirdly handsome individual. This was their explicit request, so we're going to honor it.

 astro [00:31:25] And finally our new logo is by Lavanya. It is gorgeous. I am so happy with how it turned out and I am so proud to put it on our podcast.

 lavanya [00:31:33] Very grateful, but not grateful enough to credit me as a strangely specifically handsome mysterious stranger. So I see how it is.

astro [00:31:51] The Blackout Club is made by Question Games. Our advertising director is Bellamy. Our transcript and video is by Lavanya. Audio editing is by me, Astro. Our guest today was Spoderman. Xaviul is the way shipping arrives by car, but cargo goes by boat.

[anxiety-trademark]

The week in review:

Raw 11/23 NXT 11/25 NXT UK 11/26 Smackdown 11/27

Raw:

Such a hollow promo by Lana tbh. “I’m dreaming, don’t wake me up.” ??? You were the sole survivor by proxy, it’s not like you did anything. Like good for you, but come on now.

I mean sure, hand out a title shot to fucking Lana, not like anyone else in the entire company cares about that belt. God I miss Becky.

“You may go home Raw women’s champion” HAHAHAHAHAAHHA sure.

“Nikki Cross blames herself for what Alexa Bliss has become,” she should, she straight up threw her hissy fit cuz she didn’t win the title, and then she bailed.

Now don’t get me wrong, I get that Alexa has been... possessed, if you will, by Fiend... but I’m not seeing any signs of Stockholm Syndrome when it comes to her and Bray. Aren’t they both trapped by Fiend in lore? Bray seems to genuinely care about Alexa. Am I off the mark here??

Oh my god this moment of silence for the fucking frog, I--

Topped with them laughing about his death, oooookay. I’m left speechless once again.

Commentators come back with, “Is Alexa Bliss too far gone...” LMFAO bye.

See I love this bullying Lana storyline cuz Nia and Shayna have no real reason to despise her 1/8th as much as they do. It simply boils down to ‘fuck Lana’ and like your typical high school bullies, they seethe when their victim succeeds at anything. It’s old school, believable, and doesn’t cross any lines that would upset parents or sponsors.

Also don’t get me wrong, I’m well aware that this title match is just a vehicle to advance the feud while involving Asuka, I simply wish the creation of the title match itself had been a bit more interesting. Lana’s dialogue ahead of it with both Sarah and Asuka just fell flat for me.

Omfg Asuka threw water on Nia and Shayna, bahahahah I can’t breathe. That might be the highlight of her entire reign, holy shit.

Negative points for her being floored by one punch though.

Well at least the segment ends with both Asuka and Lana standing, that’s not the worst.

Not much to say about this match, it’s really just Nia and Shayna bullying Lana lol.

I’ll give them this, there is absolutely nothing about neither Nia nor Shayna that is even remotely likeable. They play mean really well, and not ‘annoying yet funny’ mean like Bayley, just straight mean.

It’s not that I hate this submission ‘hold’ by Shayna, where she steps on the back of their neck while pulling a leg back, but I’m curious why she switched legs lmao. Awkward.

What a knee strike by Shayna to Asuka, whew that looked nasty.

Lmfao Nia took herself out by charging into the announce desk. I cannot. What a bump. Comedic bump, but a bump. Points.

Haha Shayna ate a rollup. A happy ending indeed. Lana sold that ending well, but it was a weird choice to have her and Asuka on the opposite ends of the ramp.

It’s been like 2 years and I’m still shocked Alexa never turned on Nikki.

This video is kind of just skipping over Nikki throwing her tantrum huh? Alexa played backseat cheerleader just to watch Nikki lose against Bayley 16 times and what did she get in return? Disrespect. Tsk.

Great package though. Points.

Nikki is so inconsistent. Internal conflict is valid, but she’s standing here claiming Alexa gave up on their friendship. First of all, this was initially instigated by Nikki. Second of all, she did nothing but trash Alexa’s boyfriend(?) when Alexa was nothing but kind to her after Nikki was a douche. She was confused so she gave Alexa an ultimatum, and now she’s pissy cuz Alexa chose him. This is toxic, I honestly have no sympathy for Nikki.

“I’m going to beat the Fiend out of Alexa Bliss” that’s... that’s not how this works... alright well you’re a shitty friend so, anyway.

Alexa slaps the back of Nikki’s hands and claims she won. I fucking can’t, she’s such a treat.

Lol Alexa’s just laughing at her.

My first introduction to Alexa was her as a master manipulator. Not a damn thing has changed.

Alexa has lost her god damn mind rofl.

*Bonus* online exclusive: victim Nikki, everyone. Why wasn’t this on Raw? Jesus they fill Raw with so many garbage replays while meaningful interviews to fill plot holes are put online. Dumb.

Lacey’s really running around calling Peyton “PeyPey” good lord.

I mean she’s right, Peyton was the weakest link. Just saying.

“10 sizes too big” shot at Uncle Melted Cheese.

I fucking love how Lacey pronounces “opportun-tit-ies” lmao. I thought it was an accident at first but honestly it’s great.

They have zero chemistry in the ring but at least they’re fun outside of it.

Highlight: I know I say Alexa every single week but shrug it’s Alexa

---

NXT:

Alright Ember’s theme is wearing on me. She just has awesome theme songs.

Indi is really pretty and I love how she does her hair.

All nxt heels are the same; cowardly run from fights, slow methodical wrestling in the ring, recruiting muscle optional. It’s tired. At least be a good promo. Dakota is a good promo. She’s buyable. Actually where’s Dakota, I wanna see Dakota wrestle. No more Candice.

Holy shit that fall away slam onto Candice. Fucking THREW her ass across the ring. Whew everyone wave bye to Candice.

The setup to that step up senton by Candice was way too obvious.

Candice is too whiny.

Ah just as I’m beginning to get bored, Dakota comes out. It’s like nxt knows me.

Haha KO correcting Vic being a bad commentator.

See Candice isn’t even a bad wrestler, her style as heel just fucking blows.

Peeped that call by Ember.

Such a stupid setup to have Indi push Candice out of the way to take an Eclipse herself. It’s not like jumping in front of a bus. There was time. Whatever. I hate Candice matches 9 times out of 10 so there’s that lol.

...so is Toni a heel yet??? I’m guessing they’re going for “badass loner babyface-leaning tweener” for Ember, but Toni is not a tweener. She could’ve been, alas she is not.

Haha Toni is funny. Good, let her be heel. Maybe she’ll show some personality.

Alright but hear me out, what if we had a War Games team without Candice???

You did say we’d see a whole new side of you, Toni. Been waiting to see it though.

Wait back up, didn’t Toni attack Candice after their match recently?? Okay anyway.

“Rhea Ripley/Io Shirai? Doesn’t get any bigger than that.” True Rhea, now move up to the main roster plz.

Oh man Io’s basement dropkick fucking nailed Rhea in the face lol, oof.

“Where do I go from here?” TO THE MAIN ROSTER.

I don’t hate the tank and I don’t hate the idea of wearing a helmet, but those horns are super pointless.

Shotzi “pyromaniac” Blackheart. Stealing one of Alexa’s gimmicks.

It’s gonna be Shotzi, Io, Rhea and Ember, right? Who else would it be??

Rhea says she’s there to stay. Ma’am I stg if I have to wait til after wm to see you on the MR...

Me: super invested in Rhea cutting a fantastic promo and seeing how far she’s progressed as a well-rounded talent; Candice: “lol fuck you”

I hate Candice. I will fill this review with vitriol for Candice, I don’t care.

How... how did Io “steal” any victories from Candice? What help did she have? Is it drugs? Is Candice on drugs?? Candice you haven’t even held the title, shut the fuck up. Also all of y’all can sit down cuz only one woman on that entire brand has had a singles match at wm.

Oh shit they laid Io out. That’s a yikes.

In kf, the only threat to Rhea on that entire team is Toni.

I mean sure 4 people was way too much for Rhea to handle, but man they let her look pretty fucking good. The way she immediately slid out to give Raquel the high boot was smart as hell.

Dakota looks good. She gets style points.

Soooo Xia gets acting points, but what in the fuck is going on with her and Boa’s story...

Why do I have to see or hear Candice again? Jesus lord.

There’s someone else masked? *sigh* I don’t care, goodbye.

Highlight: Rhea’s promo that Candice ruined

---

NXT UK:

I enjoy watching neither of these women wrestle, but at least Jinny’s persona is appealing and she has solid character work. She’s easy to dislike, so she gets heel-potential points.

Did they say Isla’s mentor is Nikki Cross? That’s... interesting...

So is this match gonna be interrupted by Piper? Probably not.

“This is an aggressive Isla Dawn,” well hey, maybe she actually started working on her stamina.

Jinny is vicious lmao.

Probably Isla’s best showing tbh.

I hate it when people jump off the top turnbuckle and then break into a slow, clunky roll, just to stand up and act as if their knee is tweaked. It’s so messy to me. Be smoother or don’t aimlessly jump off the turnbuckle.

Whole lotta yelling in the match.

Really don’t give a shit about a future Jinny/Piper match but okay.

Highlight: Jinny comes off as a vicious bitch, so that’s nice

---

Smackdown:

Oh snap Bianca’s graphic has some real potential.

Ayyyeeee it’s Captain Bayley. We starting our Bianca/Bayley feud?

oof Nattie straight outsmarted Bianca as the vet, there. Bianca friggin speared that ringpost.

“I think I did the world a favor, we got to see Bianca Belair shine,” she’s not wrong, Bianca was absolutely my mvp from SvS. In hindsight speaking from current day, Bayley really set up Bianca to be the upcoming star of this division, starting with SvS.

Oh snap did Bianca just call Nattie a bitch? How dare she, that’s Nattie’s only patented insult!

“You don’t want to get counted out again,” lmfao Bayley’s so annoying.

pppffffftttt Bayley inadvertently getting her ass whooped tonight.

Yeah somehow this is all Cole’s fault lol.

No, stop, no more “them” promos. Bayley cut this promo literally a year prior, we don’t need to hear it from Carmella, too. Besides, she was never necessarily a fan favorite that the crowd gradually turned against like Bayley was. It’s different.

WHAT SHOTS ARE YOU CALLING?? Is this about Reggie? Has he even appeared on screen yet?

Lmao Sasha beating her ass. Good for her. Looking good while she does it, too. Sasha in shiny silver... whew.

The wwe shop ad with the Riott Squad was worth a mention. They entertain me and they deserve tag titles. Not sure why wwe is still dragging their feet, but commit to them already, damn it.

Highlight: Bianca/Bayley seeds being planted

---

*Smackdown shined the brightest this week. Short, simple, straight to the point. Left me wanting to throw on next week’s episode, which no other show accomplished.

[readbookywooks]

‘He had you thrown in a snake pit!’

‘Perhaps I should have taken the hint.’

The vizier started to mutter. Even Rincewind, whose few talents included a gift for languages, didn’t recognise it, but it sounded the kind of language designed specifically for muttering, the words curling out like scythes at ankle height, dark and red and merciless. They made complicated swirls in the air, and then drifted gently towards the doors of the tower.

Where they touched the white marble it turned black and crumbled.

As the remains drifted to the ground a wizard stepped through and looked Abrim up and down.

Rincewind was used to the dressy ways of wizards, but this one was really impressive, his robe so padded and crenellated and buttressed in fantastic folds and creases that it had probably been designed by an architect. The matching hat looked like a wedding cake that had collided intimately with a Christmas tree.

The actual face, peering through the small gap between the baroque collar and the filigreed fringe of the brim, was a bit of a disappointment. At some time in the past it had thought its appearance would be improved by a thin, scruffy moustache. It had been wrong.

‘That was our bloody door!’ it said. ‘You’re really going to regret this!’

Abrim folded his arms.

This seemed to infuriate the other wizard. He flung up his arms, untangled his hands from the lace on his sleeves, and sent a flare screaming across the gap.

It struck Abrim in the chest and rebounded in a gout of incandescence, but when the blue after-images allowed Rincewind to see he saw Abrim, unharmed.

His opponent frantically patted out the last of the little fires in his own clothing and looked up with murder in his eyes.

‘You don’t seem to understand,’ he rasped. ‘It’s sourcery you’re dealing with now. You can’t fight sourcery.’

‘I can use sourcery,’ said Abrim.

The wizard snarled and lofted a fireball, which burst harmlessly inches from Abrim’s dreadful grin.

A look of acute puzzlement passed across the other one’s face. He tried again, sending lines of blue-hot magic lancing straight from infinity towards Abrim’s heart. Abrim waved them away.

‘Your choice is simple,’ he said. ‘You can join me, or you can die.’

It was at this point that Rincewind became aware of a regular scraping sound close to his ear. It had an unpleasant metallic ring.

He half-turned, and felt the familiar and very uncomfortable prickly feeling of Time slowing down around him.

Death paused in the act of running a whetstone along the edge of his scythe and gave him a nod of acknowledgement, as between one professional and another.

He put a bony digit to his lips, or rather, to the place where his lips would have been if he’d had lips.

All wizards can see Death, but they don’t necessarily want to.

There was a popping in Rincewind’s ears and the spectre vanished.

Abrim and the rival wizard were surrounded by a corona of randomised magic, and it was evidently having no effect on Abrim. Rincewind drifted back into the land of the living just in time to see the man reach out and grab the wizard by his tasteless collar.

‘You cannot defeat me,’ he said in the hat’s voice. ‘I have had two thousand years of harnessing power to my own ends. l can draw my power from your power. Yeld to me or you won’t even have time to regret it.’

The wizard struggled and, unfortunately, let pride win over caution.

‘Never!’ he said.

‘Die,’ suggested Abrim.

Rincewind had seen many strange things in his life, most of them with extreme reluctance, but he had never seen anyone actually killed by magic.

Wizards didn’t kill ordinary people because a) they seldom noticed them and b) it wasn’t considered sporting and c) besides, who’d do all the cooking and growing food and things. And killing a brother wizard with magic was well-nigh impossible on account of the layers of protective spells that any cautious wizard maintained about his person at all times.[19] The first thing a young wizard learns at Unseen University - apart from where his peg is, and which way to the lavatory - is that he must protect himself at all times.

Some people think this is paranoia, but it isn’t. Paranoids only think everyone is out to get them. Wizards know it.

The little wizard was wearing the psychic equivalent of three feet of tempered steel and it was being melted like butter under a blowlamp. It streamed away, vanished.

If there are words to describe what happened to the wizard next then they’re imprisoned inside a wild thesaurus in the Unseen University Library. Perhaps it’s best left to the imagination, except that anyone able to imagine the kind of shape that Rincewind saw writhing painfully for a few seconds before it mercifully vanished must be a candidate for the famous white canvas blazer with the optional long sleeves.

‘So perish all enemies,’ said Abrim.

He turned his face up to the heights of the tower.

‘I challenge,’ he said. And those who will not face me must follow me, according to the Lore.’

There was a long, thick pause caused by a lot of people listening very hard. Eventually, from the top of the tower, a voice called out uncertainly, ‘Whereabouts in the Lore?’

‘I embody the Lore.’

There was a distant whispering and then the same voice called out, ‘The Lore is dead. Sourcery is above the Lo-’

The sentence ended in a scream because Abrim raised his left hand and sent a thin beam of green light in the precise direction of the speaker.

It was at about this moment that Rincewind realised that he could move his limbs himself. The hat had temporarily lost interest in them. He glanced sideways at Conina. In instant, unspoken agreement they each grasped one of Nijel’s arms and turned and ran, and didn’t stop until they’d put several walls between them and the tower. Rincewind ran expecting something to hit him in the back of the neck. Possibly the world.

All three landed in the rubble and lay there panting.

‘You needn’t have done that,’ muttered Nijel. ‘I was just getting ready to really give him a seeing-to. How can I ever-’

There was an explosion behind them and shafts of multicoloured fire screamed overhead, striking sparks off the masonry. Then there was a sound like an enormous cork being pulled out of a small bottle, and a peal of laughter that, somehow wasn’t very amusing. The ground shook.

‘What’s going on?’ said Conina.

‘Magical war,’ said Rincewind.

‘Is that good?’

No.

‘But surely you want wizardry to triumph?’ said Nijel.

Rincewind shrugged, and ducked as something unseen and big whirred overhead making a noise like a partridge.

‘I’ve never seen wizards fight,’ said Nijel. He started to scramble up the rubble and screamed as Conina grabbed him by the leg.

‘I don’t think that would be a good idea,’ she said. ‘Rincewind?’

The wizard shook his head gloomily, and picked up a pebble. He tossed it up above the ruined wall, where it turned into a small blue teapot. It smashed when it hit the ground.

‘The spells react with one another,’ he said. ‘There’s no telling what they’ll do.’

‘But we’re safe behind this wall?’ said Conina.

Rincewind brightened a bit. ‘Are we?’ he said.

‘I was asking you.’

‘Oh. No. I shouldn’t think so. It’s just ordinary stone. The right spell and … phooey.’

‘Phooey?’

‘Right.’

‘Shall we run away again?’

‘It’s worth a try.’

They made it to another upright wall a few seconds before a randomly spitting ball of yellow fire landed where they had been lying and turned the ground into something awful. The whole area around the tower was a tornado of sparkling air.

‘We need a plan,’ said Nijel.

‘We could try running again,’ said Rincewind.

‘That doesn’t solve anything!’

‘Solves most things,’ said Rincewind.

‘How far do we have to go to be safe?’ said Conina.

Rincewind risked a look around the wall.

‘Interesting philosophical question,’ he said. ‘I’ve been a long way, and I’ve never been safe.’

Conina sighed and stared at a pile of rubble nearby. She stared at it again. There was something odd there, and she couldn’t quite put her finger on it.

‘I could rush at them,’ said Nijel, vaguely. He stared yearningly at Conina’s back.

‘Wouldn’t work,’ said Rincewind. ‘Nothing works against magic. Except stronger magic. And then the only thing that beats stronger magic is even stronger magic. And next thing you know…’

‘Phooey?’ suggested Nijel.

‘It happened before,’ said Rincewind. ‘Went on for thousands of years until not a-’

‘Do you know what’s odd about that heap of stone?’ said Conina.

Rincewind glanced at it. He screwed up his eyes.

‘What, apart from the legs?’ he said.

It took several minutes to dig the Seriph out. He was still clutching a wine bottle, which was almost empty, and blinked at them all in vague recognition.

‘Powerful,’ he said, and then after some effort added, ’stuff, this vintage. Felt,’ he continued, ‘as though the place fell on me.’

‘It did,’ said Rincewind.

‘Ah. That would be it, then.’ Creosote focused on Conina, after several attempts, and rocked backwards. ‘My word,’ he said, ‘the young lady again. Very impressive.’

‘I say-’ Nijel began.

‘Your hair,’ said the Seriph, rocking slowly forward again, ‘is like, is like a flock of goats that graze upon the side of Mount Gebra.’

‘Look here

‘Your breasts are like, like,’ the Seriph swayed sideways a little, and gave a brief, sorrowful glance at the empty bottle, ‘are like the jewelled melons in the fabled gardens of dawn.’

Conina’s eyes widened. ‘They are?’ she said.

‘No,’ said the Seriph, ‘doubt about it. I know jewelled melons when I see them. As the white does in the meadows of the water margin are your thighs, which-’

‘Erm, excuse me-’said Nijel, clearing his throat with malice aforethought.

Creosote swayed in his direction.

‘Hmm?’ he said.

‘Where I come from,’ said Nijel stonily, ‘we don’t talk to ladies like that.’

Conina sighed as Nijel shuffled protectively in front of her. It was, she reflected, absolutely true.

‘In fact,’ he went on, sticking out his jaw as far as possible, which still made it appear like a dimple, ‘I’ve a jolly good mind-’

‘Open to debate,’ said Rincewind, stepping forward. ‘Er, sir, sire, we need to get out. I suppose you wouldn’t know the way?’

‘Thousands of rooms,’ said the Seriph,’ in here, you know. Not been out in years.’ He hiccuped. ‘Decades. Ians. Never been out, in fact.’ His face glazed over in the act of composition. ‘The bird of Time has but, um, a little way to walk and lo! the bird is on its- feet.’