#ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh trying not to freak out

[kewltie]

i have been working on social media au on and off for a couple months now but uh regretfully it’s not very productive work??? just mainly editing and formatting some of the contents and adding and removing others bc i couldn’t decide or change my mind on some things so i didn’t make any real progress toward the end goal :S. it’s in a standstill and i dont know how to move it forward. 

i took a couple of days off to think about it and why im in such a huge slump over it. i soon realized it’s me and not the fic. there a bunch of annoyingly complex things i have to juggle within the fic but im pretty sure i can grind my way through it and frustration is a great fuel for me lol. my main issue is myself bc of crippling self doubt and anxiety and how i can’t imagine finishing up this ch for some reason. it’s like i have some sort of mental block bc everytime seeing it done i get really anxious and scared and i immediately find reason to not work on it at this second.

like, im sooo incredibly grateful and humble by how the first chapter is received by the fandom!!! you guys have been so kind and encouraging to me and im so very thankful to each one of you but with such kindness i feel so much guilt and anxiety bc it’s almost half a year since it first posted and so many ppl tell me one of the biggest selling points of social media au is its unorthodox storytelling, formatting, and portrayal of fandom and i just dont know how i can top what i did for ch 1. like, how can i supposed live up to all your expectations??? i feel like i set myself up for failure and with such a long waiting period in b/t idk if im able to deliver ch 2 the way everyone kind of expect to be blown away by it also?????? i keeping thinking and worrying if ch2 will be good enough and honestly it was stressing me out and i didn’t want to work on it bc i was afraid it wasn’t going to be live up to the hype :(((. 

i tend to overthink and worry myself until im a mess of anxiety and stress esp combine that with my doormat personality, i just dont know how to stop the urge to please everyone bc my eternal fear of disappointing people. esp knowing how well received  ‘demolition boy’ was. it blew up unexpectedly and i never really intend it to get as big it did /o\. i lit wrote it in like 2-3 days w/o much of a thought and now it’s my most popular fic and it often get drawn in comparision to social media au and how l social media au is like a more well polished and deeper fic and that’s great but also OH GOD. i can’t do better than that!!!!!! ah, it sucks and i couldn’t just break that that kind of metal block so i avoided writing social media as much as possible. im terribly sorry for that!!!!!! i do want to work on it and see it to completion more than anything but i just got really scared by it and how ch2 might just be a huge fucking fail. so i just sat on it for a while and let my anxiety eat away at me. 

it took me some time and some soul searching but i slowly worked through my brittle nerves and fear. i had to tell myself that it isn’t my job to make everyone happy but MYSELF. writing is always and will always be FOR ME. everyone else, while im grateful for the audience, is just a bonus. no matter how popular a fic get, no matter how many people like it, at the end of the day if a fic doesn’t make me happy writing it than there’s no point. i love social media, i love how it drives me up the fucking wall and make me want to pull my hair out every single time, and it’s soooooo incredibly frustrating but also rewarding as fuck when i pull back and see what i had completed. to me it’s great story and i want to not just tell it but show it to you guys and i just need to shut up that fucking NAGGING VOICE IN MY HEAD that tell me all the wrong things. so im trying and working through my fears; it’s slow but i’m getting to the point where i can open up my ao3 draft folder and look at it and know ‘yes, i can do this now’. 

right now, off the bat w/ my knowledge of what still need to be done and how much whinging i have to do to get it there, i am like 30% confident i can pull off finishing social media au at the end of this month. the estimate is going to go up and down in the next couple of days as i work on it and hopefully one day it would say 100%. 

my goal is to have it done either by end of march or beginning of april but hopefully end of march. i think it’s doable but then again i think everything doable up to the point where i actually have to sit down and punch it out /o\.  beside my two bkdk fic fests projects, this is the only project i will be working on in the next couple of days (or weeks) so please be bare with me a lil more as i try to complete ch 2. 

the next two-three-four(???) weeks is going to be v v v v tough for me bc i will scream, cry, and rage about quitting and never writing it again but im like 99% sure i won’t mean any of it lol /o\. if seeing me like pulling an allnighter to finish up ch1 was bad then the end of march is going to be a trial with every step. we’re doing this and it’s going to be end in tears BUT THE GOOD KIND (i think)!!!!!! tmr, i’m off so let’s GET TO IT!!!!!!

p.s. thank you for always putting up with me!!!!!! i know im incredibly flighty, emotionally compromised, and difficult as a writer to follow but your support and encouragement had helped put down some of my insecurities to rest and im forever grateful for that.

[booasaur]

Fear Street - Auditions

[rozugold]

|| First || Previous || Next ||

Dream rehearsed this speech many times, he’s very pleased with himself

[clairenatural]

sam and dean arguing about cas saying yes to lucifer in s11 DOES infuriate me actually because it’s like. so characteristic of both of them? dean’s classic “it was a stupid choice i know best” shtick and sam’s “autonomy over everything” thing but neither of them get it!!!! they’re both so busy arguing and trying to apply their own moralities to the situation that they both manage to miss the crucial question of why cas said yes. because it doesn’t matter. to dean it doesn’t matter why, it was stupid and should be fixed. to sam it doesn’t matter why, it was his choice and should be respected. but neither of them stop to actually critically think about why their best friend would voluntarily house satan!!! like maybe it’s indicative of some deeply-rooted self worth issues because neither of you have done a good job of making him actually feel like family!!! have you ever thought of that!!!

[metalheadcowboy]

So are we deeming this a look orrrr….

[plentyelegant]

In s3 klaus and vanya get tied back to back by a bad guy but klaus' legs are untied and vanya is short so he just gets up and books it with vanya on his back like a backpack

[doodle-machine]

Six years strong and I’m still not over these two. (Been going through my old sketchbooks and redrawing some stuff that never saw the light of day, so expect to be getting a mixed bag for a bit)

[mothicalspoken]

Actually I think it’d be really cool if Bruno and Dolores got a short film/episode to themselves. they’ve got such an interesting connection- Dolores knew he hadn’t really disappeared the entire time, but still kept his existence a secret from the rest of the house. I wonder if she left food or him or talked to him secretly through the walls when no one was awake or left notes or-

[ascaryghost]

no but pls don’t actually do it istg

[moghedien]

one thing that funnier in the books is Nynaeve’s emphasis on herbs because like

In the show when Nynaeve put those coffee grounds in Moiraine’s boob and drugged her, it was because she was like legitimately dying

In the books though Moiraine was just like tired and so when they were in Shadar Logoth Nynaeve gave her some “herbs” and Moiraine was notably high afterward and that was the first time she was nice to Nynaeve

[the-faultofdaedalus]

i KNOW this isnt how the arc reactor works (and likely not how human circulatory systems ever should work, idk i may be in biology but vertebrates? fuck ‘em) but i think it would be very funny if like. tony just did not have a heartbeat because he had to replace all that with a continuous flow pump, so you don’t get any of the pressure differentials that come with how a human heart works. blood’s still circulating it just doesn’t cause a pulse

[pynkhues]

Could you possibly write out some more headcannons of connor and the baby golden 3? I’m especially obsessed with connor and baby shiv cause she’s the only girl and you know they were like…what do we do with her lol

Of course, anon! Teenage / early twenties Connor with a baby golden trio is honestly living rent free in my head still, so this was a lot of fun to think about!

Below a cut because it got a little long, haha

Look, the thing is, with Kendall, Connor was ready for everything to change.

Prepared for it, even! The last few years had already been weird between boarding school and dad disappearing and mom - -

Well.

Look.

The point is, Connor was 14 and Dad brought him to England and suddenly life wasn’t grainy photos of Uncle Noah, shoved in the back of a drawer, but heavy-looking, painted portraits of straight-backed women and sunken-eyed men. His own mother’s chic, modern California condo swapped for a place that looked pulled from a movie about fading monarchies, wars of roses, religion, renaissance, whatever, Connor’s not sure.

Just knows he steps in and he feels like he’s stepping into a history book.

Feels out of place in his corduroy and Nikes, American somehow, in a way here, now, Dad doesn’t really.

No, Dad feels like he always feels – like there’s not a room in the world he doesn’t belong in.

And it’s a weird feeling when Dad and Caroline tell him they’re having a baby, because a part of him thinks - - well, okay.

Is the baby going to be this?

Like them?

Her?

Straight-backed or sunken-eyed or born draped in royal red to Connor’s mom’s Cali yellow?

Because the thing is, no matter how much Connor tries to will it away, that feeling of unbelonging wedged itself in his chest before Caroline. Had planted and laid roots sometime after Dad had moved out the first time, had started seeing other women, had called the doctor to talk in a slow, monotone voice to mom in that way Connor could never, ever scrub from his head.

But being here, in this house, was like a weight bearing down on that wedge, and so he was ready - - he was - - for that to get a little heavier, a little harder to bear, to have that wound forced a little wider when the baby came.

Only that’s not what happened at all.

It’s not what happened because Kendall wasn’t straight-backed or sunken-eyed, he was always squirming, wriggling, hands reaching, fingers not so much clasping as they were always wanting to hold, and there was something in it the way his little hand wrapped around one of Connor’s fingers that made the weight in Connor’s chest lighter, not heavier, and it stayed that way.

Stayed that way for those three years, when Kendall started crawling, walking, talking, getting himself mobile just enough to apparently follow Connor around, chewing on the edges of Connor’s homework or falling asleep on the foot of his bed.

So when Dad told him there was another one coming – not another, twins – Connor felt something bright, something easy, something right.

Because the thing is, that feeling of unbelonging never went away, but there was something about having Kendall with him, something about unbelonging together, that just made everything feel - -

God. Less wrong.

And okay, in hindsight, Connor figures that was his first mistake.

First mistake because no two babies are the same, because going from two to four is something Dad would call rapid expansion, because one of them is a girl (and what the hell does Connor do with a sister?), because - -

Because Connor sees Kendall, peering into the crib from the arms of the nanny, sees him reach for them, touch fingers with tiny Siobhan, with tiny Roman, and neither of them are holding Kendall’s finger in their fist, because Kendall’s hand isn’t so much bigger, because Kendall is three years old and Connor’s eighteen, because he watches them squirm, wriggle, just like Kendall did, and he thinks they’re not joining him and Kendall in the unbelonging.

They’re taking Kendall with them.

To whatever it is they are.

Whatever it is they will be.

And it’s not fair, Connor thinks. It’s not fair to him, and he’s not being fair to them, but suddenly it feels like none of them belong in this big ugly museum of a house, but they’ll all grow up here anyway. All get to cut their teeth on fine bone china and learn their mother’s tongue in their mother’s land, and it’ll be a language Connor doesn’t speak, a land that isn’t his home.

It’ll be their language.

It’ll be their home.

“Do you want to say hi?”

It’s the nanny who asks, and Connor feels the weight in his chest all over again as she leans back, Kendall going easily even as his gaze stays fixed on the babies, pacifier half dangling from his mouth, and Connor wants to push it back in properly, wants to take Kendall out of Marla’s arms and go back to his room and let Kendall blow raspberries and clamber all over his books and scribble on the walls and be just his brother a little longer, but he doesn’t.

He goes to the crib, he looks down at his brother’s new siblings, only to stop.

To feel it.

And okay, maybe he forgot this part of it. The bit where you look down at these little scraps of something, pink-cheeked and squished and still so fresh and think it doesn’t matter, not really. It doesn’t matter that the three of them are going to be something that’s just them, it doesn’t matter that they’ll speak a different language, that they’ll know a different life, he’s still their - -

They’re still his.

He leans into his elbows over the crib, takes in Siobhan’s scrunched up face and Roman’s tiny red open mouth and he still doesn’t know why, but he just thinks I know exactly who you are.

And he’s mostly right, mostly, because the second Roman starts to talk, it’s like he can’t stop. The opposite of Kendall somehow, who, at five, six, seven stutters so badly he’s stopped talking in front of Dad at all.

Roman, he just talks to fill up space, and Connor’s so used to the silent, sullen dinners between Logan and Caroline – their marriage having buckled a little more every time Connor’s back from college – that hearing Roman’s voice becomes something like a favourite radio station. A busy, humming frequency that Connor turns up for his favourite tracks.

For rambling facts about frogs, for helicopter noises, for commercial jingles from TV and letter songs from Sesame Street.

He really, really loves Sesame Street.

Gets so close to the TV his nose touches the screen and Connor has to grab him under the arms and lug him over to the couch beside a bored-looking Kendall, and a pretending-not-to-watch Shiv.

And y’know what?

Connor really loves Sesame Street too.

Remembers it starting, remembers being five, six maybe himself and watching the first run of episodes and his mom’s hand carding through his hair and the smell of her jasmine perfume and the feel of the sun on the back of his neck through the window, and it’s stupid, it is, but sometimes when he sits with the three of them like this, he can pretend they’re back at his mom’s together. Pretend they’re in her living room instead of the nursery at Caroline’s estate or the den at the Summer Palace, can pretend his mom is their mom instead, and maybe whatever gaps between them weren’t quite so big.

Maybe, then, he’d know what to do with Shiv.

Or no, that’s stupid, because it’s not like he doesn’t know what to do with Shiv, it’s just boys are easy. Easier, at least, because just listening to Roman makes him bounce around, delighted, like a tiny monstrous jack in the box, and there’s not much a hug can’t fix for Kendall, but Shiv’s just something else.

A thunderstorm in knee socks by the time she could walk, and it didn’t take much to know she was Dad’s favourite – could see it in the way he doted on her in the way he never did on him, them, and it’s not like Connor holds it against her, it’s not, but it’s hard sometimes too, because their father is not a gentle man but that doesn’t mean Connor doesn’t need gentleness sometimes.

Doesn’t mean he hears his Dad soften his tone with Shiv and wonder if there was ever a time he did it with him.

Which is stupid, Connor thinks, because Shiv’s just Shiv and she’s his baby sister and she deserves any kindness their Dad offers her, and sometimes Connor sees the flipside of it too – the coin toss of their father’s affection – because he dotes on Shiv, but she’s the first one he sends away too. First one he cuts from a game or sends to her room or lets Caroline leave with.

And Shiv never wants her hand held or a hug, but she’ll sit on Connor’s bed and pull out every page of one of his college notebooks, her tiny hands furious, and Connor will say trust me, whatever econ 302 did to you, it did me worse, and he’ll sit next to her and rip the pages she’s already ripped into even smaller pieces, and it won’t be long until she’s hiding her smile, her tearing becoming a little less furious, a little more playful, and Connor thinks he’s going to fail the semester again, but also maybe like it’ll be worth it if he can just make Shiv laugh.

Thinks it again, a few years later, when they end up on an afternoon excursion to Waystar, and Dad lets Kendall and Roman sit in his chair – Kendall reverent at 11, and Roman mimicking him to make fun – and Shiv steps up to do it too, only for Dad to stop her, tell her to let her brothers have their fun.

It’ll be one of them one day, he says, and Connor feels the weight in his chest again, and he looks at Shiv, jaw too tight for someone so young, and he thinks maybe they all feel it.

The weight.

The unbelonging.

The four of them, they’re in the same drawer, but they’re not a matching set, they don’t complete each other, they don’t fit, their unbelonging isn’t the same, and they’ll never be entirely together. Not really.

Connor loves them anyway.

[vendriin]

I See Your True Colors and That’s Why I Hate You - Being Human US (2011)

[hereissomething]

happy halloween kids!! never pet a dog that aint yours!

[rodneymckays]

Stargate Atlantis | 2x16 The Long Goodbye

[zainclaw]

sometimes I wish you’d trust the people who make your favorite show to do their job bc that’s probably why it’s your favorite show. you know?