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gothicpaperback · 8 days ago

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the way he cares | joel miller x you

{ part two >>>

wc: 2,2k | rating: 18+ for eventual smut | Joel Miller x You | Enemy Pregnancy

summary: Joel Miller has been my pain-in-the-ass neighbour for years. we argue more than we speak and when we do speak, it's usually through gritted teeth. but when my doctor tells me my fertility’s running out of time, panic sets in. I want a baby and I don’t have the luxury of waiting around for Mr. Right. Joel's a damn good father to his daughter, Sarah. that much, I can’t deny. so one night, fuelled by nerves and just the right amount of wine, I ask him the unthinkable: get me pregnant. no strings.no romance. just biology. i never planned on falling for him. but nothing about Joel Miller ever goes according to plan.

while the story is first person narrative, the OC female character is YOU. she is not named and barely physically described aside from being able bodied and having hair long enough to grab.

tags/warnings: neighbours, enemies to lovers, comedy, smut, sexual tension, mentions of fertility and reproductive issues, mentions of drugs and alcohol. i will add more tags as they become relevant.

THE WAY HE CARES | PART ONE

I looked down at the paper in my hand, the one from the doctor with my fertility results. She’d already explained everything in her office, but somehow seeing it in writing hit harder. I don’t have much time left. Not many eggs. It's basically now or never if I want to get pregnant.

And I have no options. My last boyfriend turned out to be a drug dealer, and the one before that? Gay. Neither of them particularly brilliant or charismatic, if I’m being honest. I don’t have any close male friends, and my best friend lives across the country ever since I moved to Texas.

I’ve wanted a child for as long as I can remember, since I was little enough to play dress-up with my dolls. I always imagined having at least three smiling babies. Now there’s a real chance I might never even have one.

“Sarah, c’mon now, you're going to be late!”

I lifted my head and looked through the kitchen window. There he was—those familiar long legs in worn denim, the broad shoulders, the obnoxiously muscular arms.

That’s Joel Miller. The man across the street. And he is a real boring asshole.

His truck is loud enough to wake the dead every morning. That’s how I learned his name, actually, plastered all over the side in bold letters: *Miller Brothers Construction – Hard Hats, Honest Work.* What does that even mean?

I looked him up once, I couldn’t help it. Found his cheesy smiling face on the company website, right next to his brother Tommy. I’ve seen Tommy around a few times, over for cookouts or picking Joel up.

Both of them have bios on the site. Tommy Miller “loves being with his wife and son” blah blah. Joel Miller “enjoys spending time with his daughter, fishing” and even more blah blah. They sound like the human equivalent of unsalted crackers.

But being boring isn’t a crime. It’s not why I dislike him.

That started the day I moved in.

I was lugging my last suitcase from the moving van I'd rented when I heard his voice. Low and growly.

"You need help, ma'am?"

"No I'm okay-" I started but he was already taking the handle from me, lifting the bag as if it weighed nothing. His arms were so solid under his black t-shirt.

He moved quickly down my driveway, heading for the open door of my new house. I had a great view of his ass in those jeans as he moved.

I can admit I was attracted to him for a moment. Just the tiniest, shortest moment. Before he really opened his mouth. I followed him inside like a useless puppy, nothing to do just follow. He walked right in and didn't even bother wiping his shoes. So much for Southern manners.

"Just there by the table is fine."

He let the bag down by the side of my kitchen table before he took a moment to see the boxes and bags I'd unloaded.

"Thank you for your help," I said trying not to be upset by the dirt he'd tracked in.

"My pleasure, ma'am," he said softly. "But if I'm honest, it's shameful your husband didn't help you with this."

My eye twitched. "No husband."

"You mean you're going to live here all on your own?"

I'm a pretty nice person most of the time. But this comment really pissed me off.

"Yeah, they're letting us women-folk work too. Can you believe I have a job?"

He didn't stick along after that. He just muttered that he needed to pick up his daughter from school and I was glad to see the back of him.

After that we didn't talk much.

The only thing that ever saved him from a flaming bag of dog crap on his porch was his daughter. Sarah. She’s a teenager, but somehow still polite, smart, beautiful, and actually friendly, which is suspicious in and of itself. She waves when she sees me. Says “yes, ma’am” without sounding sarcastic. Honestly, she seems like the kind of kid people brag about on Facebook with a million heart emojis.

On the weekends she’s at her mom’s I catch Joel puttering around the yard alone. He never smiles. Just scowls at weeds like they personally offended him. I’ve never seen someone take landscaping so seriously and look so miserable doing it.

We never actually fought. Not really.

Just exchanged glares over hedges and passive-aggressively outdone each other.

I made a point of keeping my yard pristine. Edged, trimmed, and greener than his by a mile. I even bought one of those fancy solar-powered sprinklers.

Joel retaliated by reseeding his whole front lawn and installing a flower bed that, unfortunately, looked incredible.

When I put out tasteful fall decorations, one pumpkin, a witches hat, he rolled out a literal hay bale display with a scarecrow wearing a Miller Brothers hard hat.

The neighbourhood association newsletter featured a picture of it under the caption “Festive and Fun!” I considered reporting him for emotional terrorism.

It didn’t stop there. He started waving to all the other neighbours like he was running for office. And they loved him. Old Mrs. Delaney even brought him cookies once. She’s never looked me directly in the eye.

So now we’re locked in a Cold War of suburban perfection. He trims his hedges? I repaint my porch swing. I host a book club? He starts handing out homemade jerky from some weekend hunting trip.

The man is everywhere. Helping people carry groceries. Fixing someone’s porch railing. Once I caught him rescuing a cat from under a car and nearly sprained an eye rolling it.

But I’ll be damned if I lose. I started composting. I learned how to patch drywall. I helped Mrs. Delaney carry her Costco haul and smiled so hard I think I pulled something in my face.

We don’t speak, but we know. We know. It's petty. It's exhausting. And it's the most thrilling part of my week.

I’d just gotten back from the store, struggling with a massive bag of potting soil because my dumb ass decided my flower beds needed a full spring refresh *that day.* I was halfway up the driveway, arms straining, when the bag slipped out of my grip and split open across the concrete.

Soil everywhere. Like a garden crime scene.

I froze, already sweating and swearing internally, when I heard that familiar voice across the street:

“You know, they make those in smaller bags. For normal people.”

I looked up. Joel was leaning against his mailbox like some denim-clad statue of smug masculinity, arms crossed, that annoying little smirk playing at his mouth. I didn’t answer. Just knelt down and started scooping dirt back into what remained of the bag, muttering curses under my breath.

A few minutes later, I heard the clatter of something plastic hitting the ground beside me. Sitting there was a brand-new bag of potting soil. Same brand. Still sealed.

I couldn't even look at him I was so embarrassed.

"I don't need your pity."

"It ain't pity," he told me as he left. "Your garden looks like shit and it's bringin' down the value of the rest of the houses on the block."

I wanted to punch that smug look off his face. I wanted to slap the twang out of his mouth. But I still used the damn soil.

Then there was the mailbox. Mine had started to tilt slightly forward, just a little lean, like it was tired of standing up straight. I noticed it, of course. I just hadn’t gotten around to fixing it. Between work and the crushing weight of existential dread, a crooked mailbox hadn’t exactly topped my priority list.

Then one morning, I stepped outside and it was fixed. Perfectly straight. Re-set in the ground with new concrete, edges cleaned up, even the numbers re-stuck in neat alignment. There was no note. No door knock. No mention.

I looked across the street, and there he was. Joel. Watering his stupidly green lawn like he hadn’t just crossed a major boundary. He came onto my property when I wasn't aware of it. He touched my personal item. Everyone in the neighbourhood would have assumed he did it to be kind but I knew better. He was showing me that no matter what I did, he would always be better.

It was when Joel started getting up at the ass crack of dawn on Sundays (my one day off) to mow his damn lawn that I finally lost it on him.

I’d been trying to sleep in, just once, and there he was, revving up that mower like it was a NASCAR engine, right outside my window. Who mows at 6:45 a.m.? A psychopath, that’s who. I flew out of my house in my pyjamas, not caring that my hair was a mess or that my clothes were wildly ill-fitting.

"SHUT THAT FUCKING THING OFF!"

He either couldn’t hear me or pretended not to. I wasn’t sure which, his back was to me, hunched over that god-awful mower like it was a beloved pet.

What I do know is that he practically jumped out of his skin when I smacked the back of his shoulder blade.

He spun around fast, eyes blazing, and then for just a second his gaze dropped, dragging down the length of me. I saw it. That quick flicker of surprise, maybe even interest. If it had come from any other man, I might’ve welcomed it.

Instead, my scowl deepened. I planted my hands on my hips, one bare foot tapping against the driveway. I must’ve looked like a lunatic.

"Why the fuck are you mowing your lawn this early?"

"It's Sunday."

"I'm aware."

"I’m busy during the week, and I like to relax on Saturdays. This is my only free day to mow."

"Joel, I don’t give a shit what day of the week it is. I care that it’s not even seven in the goddamn morning. On my one day off."

"Well, I-"

"I mean, for fuck’s sake, Miller. It’s common sense. You see anyone else out here mowing right now?"

He blinked at me. Slowly. Like he was either confused or buying time to come up with a really bad comeback. For a second, I even thought maybe he felt bad. Nope.

"I also don’t see anyone else screamin’ at the top of their lungs in some skimpy outfit either."

I looked down. Thin tank top, old sleep shorts. No bra. Awesome.I blinked. My mouth opened, something sharp, something devastating on the tip of my tongue but my brain short-circuited.

All I could think about was the breeze hitting my bare thighs and the smug look crawling across Joel Miller’s stupidly handsome, smug-as-hell face.

Skimpy outfit. Skimpy.I could feel my ears turning red.

“You’re a dick,” I muttered, but it came out weak. Even I wasn’t convinced.

Joel just raised his eyebrows, like he was waiting for something better. Something clever. Something worthy of the standoff we’d apparently just entered. I had nothing.

So I did the only thing I could think of: I flipped him the bird. A full, dramatic middle finger right between the eyes. Then I spun on my heel and marched back toward my house, bare foot slapping hard against the pavement.

I didn’t slam the door behind me, but only because I tripped over a rogue slipper on the way in. At least after that he stopped mowing Sunday mornings.

Now I watch him through the glass, smiling and laughing at something with Sarah. The two of them are close, peas in a pod.

He’s soft with her. Gentle. Patient. I see it when I go to check the mail or when we happen to pull into our driveways at the same time. They’re usually mid-laugh, Joel teasing her in that light, affectionate way dads do. She always has a snappy comeback ready, sharp, funny. She’s clever like that.

I’ve never once heard him yell at her. Never seen her storm out of the house screaming about how much she hates him. No slammed doors. No dramatic teenage meltdowns. Just peace. The neighbours confirm what I already know: Joel Miller is a great dad.

Maybe that’s why, on that Saturday night, when I knew Sarah was at her mom’s and he was alone, I went over with a plate of brownies. I’d never been this close to his house before. I couldn’t help but admire it. Everything about it was just as annoyingly perfect as the man himself.

The freshly lacquered front door, the manicured garden bed with not a single weed in sight. Even the damn porch light had a charming glow, like it had been curated for an Instagram ad. I knocked and shifted from foot to foot, nerves jangling.

When he opened the door, he was wearing a gray t-shirt and dark sweatpants. Also, he wasn’t wearing anything under them. I could tell. The light shifted. So did he. And there it was. He blinked at me, trying to place my face in the semi-darkness. Then his eyes widened slightly.

“What do you need?” he asked, eyeing the plate like it might explode.

We weren’t friends. Social calls weren’t part of our dynamic. This wasn’t normal. But then again, neither was what I said next.

“Miller,” I began, my voice much steadier than I expected, “Will you have sex with me?"

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tothewordgarden · 6 years ago

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From the greatest sea voyage of all time to mischief in Algiers, this is what I read this month.

1. The Enchanted April by Elizabeth von Arnim

Four diverse Edwardian women rent an Italian castle and spend a magical month on the sunny shores of the Mediterranean. This novel is a delightful read that has beautiful and humorous moments in equal measure. Think along the lines of E. M. Forster’s figure of the ‘Englishwoman Abroad’ but written by a female writer. Going South for the English means shedding the trappings of northern society and allowing the passions and vivacity of the South to work upon them and open them to life. The enchanting effect of the South on people of a Northern constitution is a well-known trope but it is interesting to note the warmth which this cliché is dealt with in the hands of a female writer. I highly recommend this to those who’ve enjoyed Forster’s A Room with a View.

2. The Days of Abandonment by Elena Ferrante

Every once in a (long) while, one comes across a novel like Elena Ferrante’s The Days of Abandonment. Its prose delivers such an intensity of raw feeling, that the words seem to burn on the page. This novel is about a 38-year-old woman, Olga, who is abandoned by her husband and left to take care of their children, Gianni and Ilaria, and their dog Otto. Told in the first person, this novel takes you into the darkest depths of Olga’s despair. Ferrante’s female characters are unarguably my favourite in literature — they know they live in a world that is kinder to men than it is for women and they’re haunted by past women and their pain, be they mothers or female figures in their childhood. This book is subtly about a woman living with the shadow of another woman from her childhood, who was also abandoned and had a tragic fate. Ferrante’s writing style is flawless, as always, and some sentences beg to be marked in the margin. One of the best books I’ve read this year so far! If you’ve read and enjoyed the Neapolitan Novels, you’ll also love this one.

3. Hideous Kinky by Esther Freud

I read Hideous Kinky by Esther Freud in a day -- it’s a quick, consumable read. This is a memoir, thinly disguised as a novel, about a mother in search of an adventure, who takes her two daughters to Morocco. The novel is narrated from the point of view of the youngest daughter and it is about living hand to mouth with a single mother in a foreign place. I quite liked its depiction of childhood and the diverse Moroccan people they encounter, with their eccentricities and their kindnesses. The mother is probably the character I liked the least — she can be quite problematic. It’s not a must read, in my opinion, but it’s still a sweet memoir-like novel that recreates the beauty and challenges of childhood.

4. The Lost Daughter by Elena Ferrante

The Neapolitan Quartet is brilliant but Elena Ferrante’s shorter fiction is something else. Imagine the raw emotion, the psychological characterisation, the violence, and the magnetic voice of the narrator of the Neapolitan Novels distilled in under 200 pages, rather than spread across four books. That’s Ferrante’s short fiction. ‘The Lost Daughter’ is a perfect book for those who’d like a ‘beach read’ that is intellectually engaging, a book set in summer on the shores of the Mediterranean that can be read in a day or even a sitting. The narrator, Leda, is a scholar of English in her late forties, who is drawn to a 23-year-old mother and her young daughter playing with a doll at the beach. She is driven to do an explicable thing that takes her to depths of her past and her relationship with her daughters and her mother. Out of all of Ferrante’s characters that I’ve encountered so far, Leda is by far the most enigmatic and the novella at times almost reads like a character-study because Ferrante creates such a psychologically complex woman. I found the ending a bit rushed but I think this is the first Ferrante that really made me want to reread it as soon as I finished it. There is just so much to unpack, so many complex thoughts about being a mother and being a daughter and the bond between the two that deserve to be revisited.

5. The Odyssey by Homer

The Odyssey needs no introduction. This was my first Ancient Greek epic and it was just what I expected. Some parts towards the beginning and the end dragged a bit, but Odysseus’s narration of his travels in the Mediterranean were very quick to get through because they’re such iconic tales and entertaining, too (although the misogyny was irritating). Robert Fagles’s verse translation, published by Penguin Classics, is a great translation in my opinion, but at some point I’d like to check out Emily Wilson’s new translation too. Overall, I’m glad I finally got around to reading this and it inspired to pick up more epics, which I could read alongside other novels. I’m now particularly interested in reading Ovid’s Metamorphoses and Virgil’s The Aeneid.

6. The Mischief by Assia Djebar

Assia Djebar is an Algerian writer that I don’t hear about often. Her debut novella The Mischief (originally La Soif) was published in 1957, just three years after Françoise Sagan’s Bonjour Tristesse and the influence of Sagan on Djebar’s debut novella is palpable. Coming-of-age, body consciousness, sexuality, passion, and death converge on the Southern Mediterranean seascape in The Mischief just as they do in Bonjour Tristesse, with the added themes of the Paris-Algiers binary and race. Nadia, the narrator, is practically the North African equivalent of Sagan’s Cécile -- a carefree and indolent young woman discovering herself and her sexuality, and creating tragic mischief. Although Djebar drew heavily from Sagan, her debut is still wonderfully executed and distinct enough, plot-wise, to be worth reading in its own right. I was specifically astounded by how unlikeable Nadia is, and yet, how masterful of Djebar to still give her an alluring voice that compels the reader to read more. In fact, I read this in a sitting. I’ll definitely read more of Djebar in the future, although her later work seems very different.

7. Tangerine by Christine Mangan

Remember that familiar phrase in book reviews that goes along the lines of ‘the setting is almost a character in itself’? Well, Christine Mangan’s Tangerine truly earns it. This novel is set in 1950s Morocco, Tangerine evokes the mysterious and alluring atmosphere of Tangier. A psychological thriller unfolds in this city’s heat spell: Alice, who was swept away to Tangier by her husband John, one day finds Lucy on her doorstep, a friend of hers she had completely cut ties with. Their past is slowly unfolded through flashbacks and meanwhile, things start taking an ominous turn in Tangier. What I love about this book is that the setting is present in every page; it’s what, I feel, makes this novel so immersive. The chapters alternate between Lucy’s and Alice’s point of view, and the foreignness of Tangier serves to bring out their respective characters. Towards the end (I won’t spoil anything), I was particularly intrigued by how Tangier becomes almost a presence within the characters rather than an exterior space. Since Tangerine, received mixed reviews, I did not have high expectations for this novel, but the setting almost made me completely disregard the predictability of the plot -- although, there were a few good surprises -- and the wordiness of some descriptions of actions -- although the writing style generally flows and is a pleasure to read. Since Mangan provides both the main characters’ perspectives, the reader is always one step ahead of the characters and know what they’re about to face. I guess this puts emphasis on the psychology of the character rather than the unfolding of the plot, which I think works but I can see why some readers demanded more from the plot of a ‘psychological thriller’. The nuance is in characterisation and setting, rather than in plot. I think this was a great debut novel with a gripping opening and a satisfying ending, particularly for someone who is interested in relations between setting and character, rather than plot, although I consumed the plot too!

FAVOURITE BOOKS OF THE MONTH: The Days of Abandonment and The Lost Daughter by Elena Ferrante

Thank you for reading this July wrap-up! By clicking on the titles of the novels I mentioned above, you will be redirected to my Book Depository affiliate link for each novel, enabling you to also read the blurb.

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edwardslostalchemy · 6 years ago

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Tilted Axis Part 2

This piece is filled with dialogue, just FYI, and it’s also very Long. I’m trying not to do as much exposition in my writing and I want to show you guys what’s going on rather than just telling you with a lengthy paragraph. Enjoy!

Disclaimer: FullMetal Alchemist belongs to Hiromu Arakawa. I just use her characters as barbie dolls to play with and write stories about them.

[Part 1]

Read on AO3 and FF.Net.

“You might feel like a prisoner of circumstance, but you are forgetting you have the jailer’s keys.”

-Ms. Moem

Part 2: Trial and Errors

“You know what I’ve realized?” Ed asked. He and Al had been staying in a hotel room, the location deep within the heart of Berlin, Germany. “It was foolish of us to have kept so much from Winry.”

Al rolled onto his side to face his brother, making the bed he laid on creak with his movements. “You’re just now figuring that out, Brother?”

“Do you think it would have been a good idea to tell her about all the dangerous shit we did?” Ed countered.

“Not entirely, but she’s smart, Ed. We probably made her feel like we couldn’t depend on her for support,” Al pointed out.

“I just didn’t want for her to worry about us,” Ed sighed, pushing back the hair from his face with his metal hand, feeling how a couple of strands got stuck in a crease. He winced when he pulled it back with enough force to take a couple with him.

“It was also for her own safety,” Al added with a sigh. “She was already getting too involved for her own good.”

“So much so that Envy had her appearance down,” Ed muttered.

“I wonder how he found out she had a crush on you,” Al mused, a mischievous grin plastered on his face.

“I recall Envy-as-Winry saying you were the one she’d always loved,” Ed argued.

“Which wasn’t true. It made you freeze, Brother. Admit you felt something for her,” Al teased.

“What good would it do if I did, Al?” Ed asked, looking out the window and gazing at the moon overhead.

“It would probably help you to let it go in a way,” Al suggested. “I know you feel guilty for leaving her behind.” He waited for his brother to deny his suspicion but received no answer in its place.

“I didn’t even get to thank her in person,” Ed said absentmindedly.

“I’m sure she knows you were always grateful.” Al sat up and gave his brother a soft smile. “If we’d ever get to go back, would you still keep her in the dark about issues?”

Ed thought about it for a while, withholding an answer from Al until he’d weighed out the pros and cons of doing so. “I wouldn’t. She would deserve to know what was going on….”

“So then you would tell her we’re out searching for a bomb?” Al inquired as he raised an eyebrow.

“I mean…that gearhead would probably want to help us find it to take it apart and see what makes it tick, disregarding how dangerous of a weapon it is,” Ed offered, remembering the way Winry would get excited over anything related to machines and mechanics. “She’d probably figure out how to deactivate it in seconds.”

“I don’t doubt it. She built your automail at age eleven… She’s a mechanical genius.” Al stretched out and brought his pillow closer to his head. After a few minutes, Al suspected Ed had passed out, but he knew he was a light sleeper and even struggled to find sleep at times. The precaution they always had to take when it came to bomb hunting was probably catching up to him and made him restless. “I wouldn’t keep her and Granny at a distance anymore,” Al mentioned after a while. “They were our family.”

“I wonder how far family members can get without severing ties,” Ed answered, undoing his hair tie and loosening his ponytail.

“Not sure, but I think crossing dimensions probably fits the fill,” Al snorted.

Ed joined in on the laughter because he had a point. “I’d give anything to visit them.”

“Me, too…I miss them,” Al sighed.

___

Tools clanked against one another in Winry’s box as she searched for something Edward couldn’t figure out, but after years of working in the profession, he more than trusted her to know what she was doing. Lying on his stomach, he allowed himself to relax while his mechanic fixed up his arm. It had been so long since he had any maintenance done…. He had tried and even Al had done his best at helping him oil his metal prostheses, but their efforts would never be as precise as the ones performed by Winry’s skilled hands. Earth was far behind in that sort of technology, which was a shame. Now back in Amestris, the dream was real and here he was again with this genius of a woman that had never ceased to amaze him. Earth would have really benefited from someone so intelligent.

Edward had stalled the subject for as long as he could, but Winry was perceptive and knew that the Elric brothers wouldn’t go five minutes without getting themselves into trouble. It was stupid to try and hide things from her. However, he could not tell her everything the second they reunited. Such a wonderful moment couldn’t get ruined by the news he and Alphonse had received. There were tears of joy and lots of embraces, but no words of a trial until later. He waited until he and Winry were alone so he could explain. The confusion in her tone was justified, but he wished he’d been as ignorant as her when he got the news from Roy.

“A trial?”

“Yeah…it was a surprise for me as well,” Ed finally answered, gulping in order to help clear his throat to continue speaking. “At first, I thought it was because of all the destruction that went on when the gate was opened, but it turns out the military doesn’t forget about its deserters.”

“They still have that on record?” Winry’s voice was low, quivering as she spoke.

“They’re really good about keeping track, apparently,” Ed said with a roll of his eyes.

“But that was eight years ago, Ed.” Although Ed’s arm was artificial, he could feel the way Winry used her screwdriver to tighten up the screws on his shoulder. She was still concentrated on her craft despite the information he was telling her.

“I could have come back twenty years from now and they would have still remembered. It’s a crime against the military to leave without permission, especially since I was a dog,” Ed explained.

Another clank resonated in the room, this time more deliberate and rougher, when Winry set her tools down. “You didn’t leave by choice!”

“I know that.” Ed met her gaze, fiery gold against piercing cobalt. He didn’t want for her to get upset, but he doubted he could calm her down with one look alone. He moved his metal hand, flexing the fingers to regain feeling and prompted her to take it. When she placed her gloved hand in his, he held onto it tightly, reassuring her with his grasp that he would be alright.

“It’s unfair, you know?”

Nodding, Ed let out a humorless chuckle. “What kind of equivalent exchange, right? I worked under the military for years, and now that I come back, I get court-martialed.”

Winry squeezed his hand. “I’m surprised you’re not locked up in a cell.”

“General Mustang took care of that one.” With a raise of an eyebrow, Winry prompted Ed to continue. “He didn’t go into a lot of the details on how he did it, but he said he reminded them of my loyalty before the Philosopher’s Stone was created in Liore.”

“Will he also help you with this issue?” After all, it was the General who tracked down Ed and Al all the way to Resembool and scolded them for not asking him for help.

“Yeah, he and his team are witnesses…. If we are able to convince the council and senior staff, then I can count on a shorter sentence.”

Ed saw Winry’s face light up, gasping as she realized something. “I can testify, too! And Sheska! We were both there, too!” She let go of Ed’s hand then before she reached for one of her wrenches. Edward observed her out of the corner of his eye, beginning to sweat. “We aren’t letting you go down without a fight.”

“Are you planning to hit everyone with that thing until they let me go?” His solemn expression became nervous at the sight of the metal tool.

“If needed, then yes,” Winry answered simply. “But first, I need to finish with your automail.”

___

Food and refreshments decorated the table in the conference room that had been spared as requested by General Mustang. Edward had no clue how he did it, but it seemed that his commanding officer was moving the world around to help him as much as he could. He knew it wasn’t like him and all these favors would make Edward owe him for life, but he couldn’t question his motives at the moment. There was no time to waste in arguments, only strategies. There was no telling what the government would do to Edward, but from what he gathered leniency wasn’t in the military’s vocabulary when it came to judging its soldiers. The only reasonable explanation he could think of that the military was even allowing him to walk free and stay in that room was because Roy had that much authority. Being a General had its perks.

“You should eat something, Brother.” Al’s soft voice broke Ed out of his train of thought and into the present.

“I’m not that hungry right now… I’m thinking of what it is I’ll say in that court room.”

“How can you expect to concentrate if you don’t have food in your stomach?” Al raised an eyebrow. “I know it won’t fix the problem, but you can at least think while you eat.”

“Who’s the older brother again?” Winry asked with a smirk. She set a plate of food in front of Ed and returned the glare he gave her.

“Very funny. I’ve grown in the past years, you know!” Ed picked up a carrot from his plate and bit it angrily.

“You’re not kidding on that one. I did maintenance, but I need to make adjustments to your arm and leg since you’re off balance,” Winry mused. “I might as well fit you with new models.”

Ed swallowed as he listened. “Are they as light as the ones I have now?”

“They should be. I’ve been experimenting with new alloys and metals to take strain off the body.” She swirled a piece of food in cream as she explained.

“Maybe that’s why you got taller, Brother!” Al seemed to be excited for him, his sincerity never failing to bring a smile to Ed’s face. However, he couldn’t help feeling he was also picking on him for his height and he couldn’t keep his genuine composure for too long.

“Hey now, I’ve been growing since before I got the lighter models.” He took another bite of food, but this time something clicked. “Come to think of it, you’re probably right.”

“Of course, he’s right. I started developing a lighter model around the time—” Winry cut herself short and Edward wanted to believe his ears deceived him when he heard her breath hitch. She gulped after a moment to collect herself. “By the time you came back, I had been using the lighter models already.”

She didn’t have to say what she omitted and Ed wouldn’t ask her to continue. He knew her memories went to the time he crossed over to the other side of the gate, so it made sense that she would have been working on something better. Maybe she had him in mind for it, but he wasn’t her only customer and she wasn’t the type of person to stop working just because a friend left her side.

“I see,” he nodded, acknowledging her explanation. “Thank you, Winry.”

Were his eyes playing with him as well or was that a blush on her face he saw? Winry was talented enough to receive praises from left and right. Gratitude from his part shouldn’t have been such a big deal to her, but he could have been wrong.

“I’m glad it’s helped you all this time. I was afraid…your recklessness would outlast the automail’s durability.”

She was lucky Ed’s mouth was full with food or else he would have definitely said something he would regret later. However, her smug smile showed him she’d struck a nerve and she knew it, and there was nothing he could do about it because she was right. Still, he couldn’t stay like that and let her win.

“I’m not that irresponsible. I took care of it for three years before I needed a new arm, remember?”

“And it would have lasted longer if it hadn’t been destroyed in the first place,” Winry countered.

Ed heard Al sigh beside them. “You two need to get a room…”

“Shut up, Al!” Ed and Winry said in unison.

“Alright, settle down you two!” Roy slamming folders onto the table brought their attention to him. “I could hear you down the hall. You’re in a military command center, not a market place.”

“Might as well be with the commotion the higher-ups are doing over one stray soldier,” Ed muttered.

“And they will continue to do so if you don’t behave,” Roy advised. Sighing, he took a seat in front of the trio, flipping through pages of the top folder on his pile of files. “It’s a big deal because more than seven thousand soldiers were killed in the Liore incident and then you two ran off right after. Tell me how that doesn’t look suspicious to them.”

The indignation in Edward’s expression reflected his disapproval of the accusation. “But you know what hap—”

“Yes, I know, damn it, but I’m not the one who’s going to judge you!” The commanding officer rubbed his face wearily before sighing in exasperation. “I did what I could at the time to defend you and I am doing the same now, but the senior officers are seeking retribution whether it’s justifiable or not. And right now, FullMetal, the scale isn’t tipping much in your favor.”

“So what you’re saying is I’ll get screwed over no matter what? That’s great! Thanks for the help!” As he crossed his arms, he looked away with annoyance. He felt his temple pulse and he cursed to himself in hopes of not getting a headache. By the looks of the situation, though, it wasn’t likely his head would cooperate.

“You idiot, you’re not seeing the point. Parliament is going to get involved as well and they’ll have every reason to back you up once we present the testimonies of the witnesses,” Roy reasoned. “Last time you were here, you protected the city and took down the person in charge of the flying machines. They know that was you.”

“You actually gave me credit for that?” Ed’s skepticism rose in his tone.

“Was I the one flying that contraption? I was in a hot air balloon, Edward.”

That got a chuckle out of the younger alchemist. “Alright, fine. I’ll trust you…for now.”

“Fine by me. We want for your sentence to be as short as possible. I doubt you came back to go to prison right away,” Roy said, his voice returning to his serious, authoritative tone.

“How long do you think they’ll give me?” Ed asked.

“Hold on! Is there a possibility that perhaps he won’t go to prison?” Winry didn’t mean to interrupt and she was well aware that it was imprudent to give her opinion in a matter that was beyond her knowledge. However, Edward knew her too well. She wouldn’t just sit by and let him sink.

“He deserted the military,” Roy pointed out. “But…we are counting on everyone’s versions of the story. Unless both the military and parliamentary body allow for a deal in exchange of prison time, we’re looking at many years, if not a life sentence.”

Once the words left the General’s mouth, Ed realized a loophole.

“What did you say?” Al asked. Ed turned to look at his brother, recognizing he, too, had come to the same conclusion as him.

Roy raised an eyebrow in question. “I don’t want to get your hopes up on the possibility of a deal. What we have to do right now is come up with a credible story to present to the court.”

“Then I suggest we confess about what really happened,” Ed answered.

“You would have a lot of explaining to do,” Roy refuted. “That would entail a second court martial for just attempting human transmutation. You don’t want to make it worse.”

“I’m already getting court martialed,” Ed pointed out. “I know that means that by talking about it, I’m dragging you and your team with me for just knowing about it. I’ll take full blame. You knew nothing about it.”

“Think about it, General. The Fürher was a homunculus. He was part of the conspiracy to create a Philosopher’s Stone. Your team and you are key witnesses to all of that,” Alphonse argued. “It would help clear so much—”

“I don’t think you two heard me when I said the military will punish you whether it is or isn’t justifiable,” Roy pointed out. “I’m not scared for myself. I’m concerned about the both of you. Alphonse, you would be facing prison time as well.”

“If my brother’s going down, then I’m going with him,” Al answered. “I participated in the transmutation, too.”

“I don’t want you to go to prison, though,” Ed said, avoiding Al’s gaze and opting to look at the folders under Roy’s hands. If he looked at him, Al would convince him with his fervent stare. His eyes were just as full of fire as his own, if not more.

“You didn’t perform the taboo on your own.”

“It’s very noble of the both of you to look out for each other, but this isn’t bringing us closer to a plan.” Roy spread out the folders and Ed was finally able to read some of their labels. “If you want to bargain with them, then we need a strong argument. What do we have to work with?”

The folder with the heading ‘State Alchemist Exam’ caught Ed’s attention and gave him an idea. “General, I’m risking sounding vain, but how valuable am I to the state?”

___

The time it took to wait for the witnesses to come out to Central was used to develop a plan for Ed’s trial. General Mustang and Lieutenant Colonel Armstrong would present his case. Winry and Sheska, along with Al and Roy’s team, would be part of the group that would provide evidence for why Edward was forced to desert the military. In addition, Rose, Sig, the Tringham brothers, Captain Ross, and Second Lieutenant Brosh had also agreed to speak, seeing as how they all met with Ed during that crucial time. After reviewing his files, something became apparent to Ed. One of the officers that was practically throwing him in jail was Major General Hakuro, but the young alchemist knew how to play that card, too.

He had seen a sea of blue uniforms before, but the air in the court room could drown him from the intensity in which cold eyes stared at him. General Mustang hadn’t been kidding when he said the senior officers wanted his head as a trophy. They were all vultures preying on fresh meat. The feast wouldn’t last for long and Ed hoped they could all stomach something rotten.

When the trial began, the senior staff went for Ed’s throat immediately, accusing him of genocide, calling him a traitor, yelling how dishonorable he was. If he didn’t despise the military so much, their comments might have fazed him. He didn’t give a damn about their opinions or their ‘honor’. He had never set out to make a name for himself with the military, although it had been a bonus. All he wanted was to get his brother’s body back, but they didn’t know that.

General Hakuro was quick to mention how badly he made him look, seeing as how he vouched for him to take the exam at the age of twelve. “I should have known you’d be troublesome. We should have never let you in the military in the first place!”

“With all due respect, sir, your words are exaggerated. Edward Elric completed his duties and followed orders until this unfortunate incident with Liore, which forced him to retreat.” Lieutenant Colonel Armstrong, ever eloquent and composed, countered the General’s insults. “And need I remind you that you are alive because of his involvement on the train all those years ago.”

“I repaid the favor by giving him permission to take the exam. But don’t confuse one thing for another. My life was just one. We’re talking about seven thousand men missing.” General Hakuro was adamant, the stubborn officer refusing to see reason. What could they expect from someone so arrogant?

“Edward was under orders to investigate Liore and hunt down Scar, the person responsible for the annihilation of so many soldiers.”

“Yet Scar was never found.” Hakuro’s stone-cold stare never strayed from Armstrong’s.

“He used himself as a component. It is the only explanation why he went missing along with the soldiers.”

General Mustang stepped to the front. “I have a letter written by Edward addressed to me, describing what he had seen in Liore. The council can use this as proof that he never planned to hurt the military.” He brought the documents to the body of suited men that sat across from them.

“You’re arguing that he had no intentions of using the men for the stone. Then, why did he flee afterwards? That is what a suspicious soldier does when he is guilty of a crime.” The logic General Hakuro used may have been reasonable to him, but the only thought in Ed’s mind was beating the shit out of him.

“Because Edward’s younger brother, Alphonse, was turned into the Philosopher’s Stone.” The Lieutenant Colonel’s words caused the room to gasp collectively, afterwards creating a rumble of murmurs amongst the soldiers present. Even General Hakuro had no comeback for such a bold statement.

The council spoke amongst themselves, Parliament against Military, taking their time to come to a decision. How difficult was it to think of something to do? Wasn’t it obvious to them the next action to take? Although Ed remained with a poker face, his body silently suffered from an anxious storm. His chest tightened, his left hand began to sweat, and suddenly his throat was as dry as the desert he and Al had crossed to get to Liore all those years before.

Finally, the council faced forward and Lieutenant General Grumman spoke. “We call to the stand Alphonse Elric to testify.”

Edward wasn’t nervous for himself. He was in a panic because his little brother, no matter how tall or old he was, would go up by himself to testify in front of a court. He was confident in Alphonse. He did not trust the council with him in their hands, though. He didn’t know them and they didn’t know him. He wasn’t a fragile child, but Edward couldn’t fight what he felt. He and Al had gone through so much together that the mere thought of allowing him to enter the lion’s den encouraged him to go up there and protect him. However, he couldn’t do such a thing. He couldn’t leave his seat. He had to trust his commanding officers who knew what they were doing. He dared look around and found Winry’s face among the crowd. It was a good thing she had a front row seat else he’d have difficulty maintaining eye contact with her. They weren’t allowed to exchange words, not even mouth anything to each other or else their behavior would be seen as suspicious. She blinked at him and gave him a nod of recognition, the only gestures she could offer him for comfort. It was all he needed to keep his sanity.

They turned back to look at Al, who was taking an oath to agree to say nothing but the truth. There was no sign of uneasiness in Al’s expression, just a boy who was determined to help make things right. In order to correct them, though, they had to confess their faults first. Everything always came at a price, didn’t it? This wasn’t just alchemy’s law of equivalent exchange. It was the law of the world. Nobody, not even Dante, could convince him otherwise.

“You have a story to tell, young man. What is this about being turned into a Philosopher’s Stone?” General Grumman had taken over for General Hakuro, seeing as how the other had been driven by emotion rather than staying objective. General Mustang had mentioned that Grumman supported them, seeing as how the younger commanding officer had worked under him in the past and they had respect and trust in one another. It wasn’t that he blindly believed Mustang, but rather he wasn’t a biased person to conduct a trial.

“Colonel Archer ordered the Crimson Alchemist to cause destruction in Liore. While there, we ran into each other and Scar, and Kimblee used my body to create a bomb,” Al began. “Scar saved my life by using my body to turn me into the Stone.”

“Your body?” General Grumman looked like an intelligent man, but Edward couldn’t blame him if he was confused by Al’s choice of words.

“Yes, you see… My body was a suit of arm for a few years, with my soul attached to it.”

The older commanding officer stroked his chin in thought. “We will put a tab on this issue for a later time. I don’t want to change the subject, so I hope you understand.”

Edward was frozen in place. He had never thought about ever confessing about the taboo he and Al committed. He had imagined he would either be dead or far away before that happened. Both instances had occurred more than once, yet here he was in front of a court and his biggest secret was moments away from being out.

“What happened to the Philosopher’s Stone? Clearly, your body is not a suit of armor, at least not anymore.”

“Well, in order for me to talk about that, I first need to explain how I became a suit of armor. I hope you understand.” This was the plan that Ed, Roy, and the others had come up with and Al was sticking with it. Ed knew how brave Al was, but he sometimes forgot he could be daring, even more so than him. To talk to an elder—a commanding officer—the way he did, to use his words against him, was something Ed hadn’t seen, at least not in a long time.

“Proceed then.”

“If I may, General Grumman. I believe both Edward and Alphonse should speak of this matter,” Lieutenant Colonel Armstrong interjected.

“Then bring him to the stand, too.”

“We cannot have two subjects speaking at the same stand!” General Hakuro cut in.

“Quiet, General. We want to solve this as quickly as possible. Let them speak.” This wasn’t a request, no matter how level-headed General Grumman spoke to the rowdier officer. This was an order and he outranked the younger General.

Edward reached the stand, going through the same ordeal as Al to swear to tell the truth, and mentally prepared himself. When prompted to continue, he took a deep breath before beginning.

“Alphonse and I performed human transmutation when we were kids.”

Either Ed was condemning his brother and himself for life or he would be saving them. Still, he continued, recounting the night he and Al tried to resurrect their mother, how he bonded Al’s soul to the suit of armor, and their search for the Philosopher’s Stone in order to restore their bodies. Time seemed to drag on as he and Al took turns speaking, but the more they confessed, the lighter Ed seemed to feel. It had weighed on him for years, even after it happened, even after he found out Al did get his body back, but he had to admit it still haunted him. He still felt guilty despite doing his best to move on. Perhaps…it was a blessing in disguise, but who knew? They kept their story as brief as possible, only talking about what needed to be said. The homunculi, Fürher King Bradley, Dante, and Scar were discussed, which brought them back to their initial topic: Al becoming the Philosopher’s Stone. It was convoluted and they spoke as clearly as possible, but Ed could tell this all confused the council. Nonetheless, he and Al needed to say everything, including Al’s kidnapping by the homunculi, Edward’s death, Al using himself and the Stone to resurrect him, and finally Ed using himself to revive Al.

“When I woke up, I was a ten-year-old boy with no recollection of the four years my brother and I spent searching for the Stone. A girl named Rose took me home and explained what Edward did for me. This is why there is no Stone and why I am no longer a suit of armor.” Through his peripheral vision, Edward saw how Al’s composure hadn’t faltered. His face was lightly flushed from the heat of the room, and a bit of sweat had collected on his forehead, but he wasn’t intimidated by the scrutinizing eyes that looked at them.

“And you, FullMetal?” Grumman asked.

“I ended up on the other side of the gate. If I disappeared, it wasn’t by choice. There was no way I could return since the parallel world I was dragged into did not use alchemy.”

“Is there anyone that can attest to this? I certainly believe you, but I am not familiar with alchemy. Plus…there are more people you need to convince.” General Grumman gestured to the rest of the council. If this man was genuinely saying that, Ed wondered how he had reached his rank with his easy way to trust others. Or maybe he was just messing with them and he missed his sarcasm.

“There is, and she is present with us today,” Lieutenant Colonel Armstrong answered.

“What about witnesses for the rest of the events? Surely, more than one person was there?”

“Multiple witnesses are present to confirm what the Elric brothers have discussed. We can request their presence in the stand as you wish.”

Rose was called to testify. Being the only one who had been there through the ordeal, and given the fact she was not a relative of the Elrics, her word was valid. “Edward helped my people escape through an underground tunnel. It’s because of him that so many people made it out of Liore alive. We would have all been killed by the military had he not been there. It wasn’t possible that he would create the Stone as he was far from Liore when it happened.”

“This was after the military took advantage of the civil war that broke out in the city, correct?” Lieutenant Colonel Armstrong asked.

“Yes… nobody cared to help us then. It was as if we weren’t part of the country anymore with all the cruelty and fighting.” Rose tried her best to keep herself composed. Ed saw her lip quiver, but she held it together. She had become a stronger woman and it showed in those tense moments.

“What about these sacrifices that the two brothers made for each other? Were you present?”

Rose nodded. “Dante used my son multiple times to open the gate. He still has scars around his stomach from where she carved a transmutation circle on his skin.”

“We’ll have to see those scars, then,” General Hakuro said, never giving up on a chance to try and trump Ed. However, he and the rest of the room were silenced when Rose’s son was escorted to the front of the room and raised his shirt to show that there were, in fact, scars in the shape of an outline for a transmutation circle along the sensitive dark skin of his torso. They were faint, but they were there. Edward felt sick by the sight, dizzy at the fact alchemy could be used in malicious ways. Despite having no relation to the child, he felt indignation for him, wanting for him to be protected from the ruthless stares from the senior staff.

“After Edward performed his last transmutation, Alphonse was in his place and I took him to the surface, along with one of the homunculi who had been incapacitated. Everything that those boys said was true. Take my testimony as proof.” Even through Rose’s soft voice, Ed could hear the stern tone as she pleaded for the council to think reasonably.

As for the desertion and the knowledge that Alphonse had become the Stone, General Mustang, his team, Winry, Sheska, Ross, and Brosh spoke of the incident, all having the same version of the story and coinciding with what the boys had said. Sig talked about the homunculi, including the late Fürher Bradley; and Russel Tringham talked about his meeting with Ed at the place above the underground city in Central, presenting the excerpt from his father’s journal he and Fletcher had shown Ed before he ventured into the abandoned city to confront Dante. Slowly, the pieces were coming together and the council was growing more and more satisfied with the proofs presented, but the senior staff was still skeptical, though Ed thought they must have been unsure of what to do with the information.

“I think we have enough to work with to have a verdict,” General Grumman began after the group of men took a moment for discussion.

“However, it does not outweigh or excuse the fact that you two committed human transmutation, something that is illegal and a taboo.” It was apparent that Hakuro would not tire until he saw Ed punished. He wondered if he did this all out of pettiness for tarnishing his precious name.

“With all due respect, sir, their transmutation hurt no one but themselves. They have already lost so much and have gone through hell. That should have been enough punishment for their transgression! Why punish them for something that clearly does not affect you?” Armstrong had one of the strongest voices Edward had ever heard and he was getting the chance to see him use it with all its glory and power. He was surprised the Lieutenant Colonel wasn’t boasting about the fact the strong voice had been passed down the Armstrong family for generations….

“Because as definition of ‘illegal’ states, it is against the law,” Hakuro answered.

“Then, I challenge the members of the senior staff to step forward if you are free of any action that would potentially get your court martialed,” Armstrong countered. “If you are so bold as to do so, then you may have the right to judge these two boys.”

To Ed’s astonishment, he saw no one take a step. The senior staff as well as the council remained seated, perhaps contemplating what Armstrong had said, or perhaps mulling over the fact he was right.

“Our actions are independent of theirs, Lieutenant Colonel. What we have done is not the subject matter of this court. If we leave this unpunished, then we would have to do so for anyone else who commits the taboo,” Hakuro reasoned. “This is punishable by death or a lifelong prison sentence.”

“It would be wasteful to eliminate them. Have you considered what Edward has done for the military in the past? What his skills have allowed him to do for the military? Forget the desertion. Human transmutation allowed him to become a gifted alchemist. He and his brother saved your life, something military staff wasn’t able to do. It would be to our benefit if we kept him and his brother alive. They would serve a better purpose if they weren’t locked up in a cell, too.” There was a sudden shift in the room when Armstrong went off on his speech.

“What are you suggesting?” General Grumman asked.

“We would like to bargain with you.”

The muttering seemed to come back in the room, or maybe it had been there all this time and Edward wasn’t paying attention. He had been too engrossed in the situation to even pay attention to his surroundings. If he spaced out, he would have missed his cue. He stood, locking eyes with the General that had made it his mission to see him punished. He was the true General Bastard.

“Our deal is this: In exchange for prison time, my brother and I would enlist as soldiers and the military can use us however you see fit. We will follow your orders. This country has more than enough problems that need fixing. We can help resolve them faster. Do with us what you wish.” A bead of sweat slid down Ed’s face, waiting for someone, anyone, to respond to his proposal.

General Hakuro’s tone was cutting. “Give us a reason to allow an opportunity for sinners to serve our military when they've committed a taboo shamed by their own science.”

Ed and Al looked at one another and said in unison, “Shou Tucker.” Just mentioning his name made Edward shiver and he was sure Al reacted the same way.

“What about him? He’s dead,” Hakuro scoffed.

Punching this man would have been easier than simply talking to him and it irked Edward that he had to defend ever single thing he said just so he could have him spew more nonsense out of his mouth. “Supposedly, he was executed after he turned his daughter into a chimera. However, he worked for the military, under General Basque Grand, to continue the creation of chimeras and other monsters. Explain to me how you spared him and even let him continue more research after doing something so grotesque, yet you won't spare us, who have loyally served the military?”

“Also, our taboo hurt no one except for my brother and me. It rebound on us only. You have spared sinners and they used live humans. You're not only being a hypocrite, but you are also using subjective judgement to evaluate our mistake.” It was impressive to Ed how Alphonse, of all people, wasn’t taking any bullshit and was actually calling out Hakuro. He could be so patient and gentle, but he became a different person when under a lot of stress, which was something Ed really liked. He could not only kick a person’s ass physically, but verbally as well.

Lieutenant Colonel Armstrong cleared his throat to speak. “These boys are skilled in alchemy and hand-to-hand combat. They can research as well as hunt things and people down. They would better serve the military alive than dead. Use them to your liking.”

“You know, they did stop that attack we had all those years ago with those weird machines. Not to mention that we do need some help with the recent terrorist attacks we've had going on in the country. And these two have experience with fighting people. They could be of great help with resolving the issue, General,” Roy added, a smirk gracing his features. Ed’s stomach churned from disgust. Here he went again, wanting to make himself look good by taking advantage of other people’s unfortunate situations.

“I think we can use soldiers like them. We can set up a contract. No deserting this time. No human transmutation. Work only for the state.” General Grumman nodded as he thought about possibilities.

General Haruko scoffed. “How do we know they aren't these types of homunculi creatures?”

“If we were, we wouldn't be here. It doesn't make sense to come back,” Ed answered matter-of-factly. “Besides, homunculi need to feed on red stones to survive. We wouldn’t even have a shape to begin with.”

“We also have our memories intact whereas they didn't, unless they were forced to remember,” Al explained.

“But you mentioned you lost your memories after your last transmutation. Who is to say that Ms. Thomas didn't feed you red stones?” Hakuro asked, raising his eyebrow in suspicion.

“That makes no sense! I lost my memories of the four years I traveled with my brother, not the memories from my entire life!” Watching the way Al became angry to argue reminded Ed of himself, even if it was a tamer way of addressing the issue. He had to keep in mind that Al wasn’t a child and could argue on his own, but it still didn’t appease Ed. He couldn’t let Hakuro treat them like this.

“Maybe so, but that doesn’t explain how you two are alive, if what you are saying is true,” Hakuro countered. “Those monsters had the ability to cheat death, and you two are alive even after being killed. If we shot you right now, who is to say you wouldn’t survive?

Lieutenant Colonel Armstrong and General Mustang came into Ed’s line of sight, standing in front of Al and him as a way to shield them.

“What you said can be taken as a threat, General. I suggest you watch your words if you don’t want to be the next person to be court-martialed,” Armstrong suggested, his tone stern, a warning for the General.

“That's enough, General. We have no evidence for your assumptions. The testimonies we have are sufficient proof. Let the council decide now,” General Grumman spoke with a tinge of annoyance lacing his voice before he turned his attention to the pair of exasperated brothers that waited as patiently as they could for the procession to end. “If these two are skilled enough to perform a human transmutation as children, then I think they are more than qualified to be soldiers for the military. They are useless if they're executed, but alive, they could help us a great deal. Can you fight, Alphonse?”

Al looked a bit shocked by the question. “Yes, sir. I've trained extensively in hand-to-hand combat as well as alchemy.”

“How many people can you take on at once?”

“A good handful,” Al answered.

General Grumman stroked his beard, and if Ed didn’t know any better, then he would have assumed he was coming up with his own way to exploit their talents. He had to trust this man for now, though. “I would like to see what you can do for us. Has the council decided?”

The head of the council nodded and came forward. “Our verdict is to require both brothers to enlist as soldiers and serve the military in place of a life sentence in prison or death. Edward is to remain a state alchemist and respond to the line of duty if the country would go to war or face a national emergency.”

Edward wasn't thrilled with the outcome, but it was better than the alternatives. “I have a condition. If we are going to be your slaves, then we must be allowed leave time to visit our family.”

Grumman considered this. “That sounds reasonable to me. Do keep in mind that training and missions take time and you must have your assignment finished before you two can take a break.”

“That’s fair. My automail requires maintenance, though, so I must visit my mechanic in order to keep it in tip-top shape. It doesn’t last forever, you know?” Ed reminded, holding up his metal arm for emphasis.

“If I may request something as well, sir?” Al said, his polite voice a stark contrast from the tone he used moments prior to argue. “I ask to be my brother's assistant or bodyguard, whichever works for our assignment.”

“Is your brother not capable of protecting himself?” General Hakuro asked, rolling his eyes.

"I don't doubt my brother's ability to hold his own, sir. However, with all due respect, I doubt any of your soldiers can put up with him for more than five minutes. He can be a handful; I'm saving you the headache,” Al explained.

A stinging feeling crept through Ed’s body as he heard Al say those words. “Hey!” he exclaimed, feeling hurt at the thought of being a bothersome older brother to be around for Al. There was no point in arguing with him at that moment, though. They had other things to worry about.

“I don't see why not,” General Grumman shrugged. “I think it would be interesting to have you two here. Do you plan to take the state alchemist exam?”

“If given the opportunity, then yes,” Al nodded.

General Grumman turned his attention to Roy. “They’ll be under your command, General.”

“That was actually going to be my condition for this deal, sir,” Roy grinned, probably feeling triumphant that this could turn out in his favor.

“Well, I’m glad I beat you to it.”

General Hakuro was not as satisfied as the rest with the decision. “So that’s it, then? We are really going to allow these criminals into our military?”

Lieutenant Colonel Armstrong glared at the objecting commanding officer. “Don’t act like the military isn’t full of war criminals who have done worse, General. Or have you forgotten the insurrection in Liore, which was under your command?”

The General became quiet for a moment, having been bested in the debate. “Even so, the military academy doesn’t start taking in recruits until the summer time. What will these two do until then?”

“We’ll put them to work,” Armstrong answered. “Edward is already a state alchemist, after all. And the training for soldiers only takes around a year. They’ll be out before you know it. You’re worrying about an issue that isn’t your concern, General. Let those in charge handle it.”

The head of the council spoke once again. “The case is concluded with the deal as a verdict. We will create a contract that will be signed at the end of the day by all parties involved, holding accountable the Elric brothers for insubordination, if it were to occur, as well as desertion, breaking the laws of the state and alchemy, and failing to fulfill their duties. The Elric brothers will be allowed leave time and Alphonse will serve as Edward’s assistant. General Roy Mustang will be responsible for overseeing their progress and giving them their assignments. The State will respect the arrangement and allow for the conditions to take effect once Edward and Alphonse have completed their military training. Any changes to the contract will be discussed and will either be rejected or will be held to have the document amended. Court adjourned.”

General Grumman walked towards the brothers so as to speak to them privately. “I want to believe that you two will serve as a sort of saving grace for the country. Terrorists are getting creative.” He side-glanced Hakuro then. “Show these people you are more than what we bargained for. Prove them wrong,” he added before winking at them and walking away.

“Yes, sir,” the brothers said in unison.

It was as if a huge weight had been taken off of Ed’s shoulders. Obviously, the position his brother and him were in was not the greatest, but they had been spared the jail time. They had actually managed to come up with a better alternative instead of accepting their fate. Ed wasn’t doing it for himself as much as he was doing this for Al. He was too you…too gentle for prison and Ed would have never forgiven himself if he saw him step foot in a cell. Their human transmutation had also been excused… He wasn’t sure how to feel about it, but for the time being he could only go with what Roy advised him back in the conference room. He just had to cooperate and make things the least difficult as possible. It had been tough for Ed because every so often he wanted to jump from his place to land one on General Hakuro’s face and shut him up. That man was infuriating.

The official document took the afternoon to create, so at least the council had started to fulfill their promises. Ed could only hope that this deal would hold up for decades after that official body had all hit the bucket. He and Al stepped inside Roy’s office and noticed how spacious and quiet it was without his subordinates present. None of them had interrupted their meetings, not even Major Hawkeye and that concerned Ed for some reason. He wasn’t used to there being enough silence for him to ponder on these things.

Roy took the document out of its neat manila packet. “I just want to reiterate that this deal will be for the rest of your lives,” he said. “You may have to get your hands dirty, follow unreasonable orders, and even kill people. Not to mention going through traumatic events like war. I want for the two of you to be aware of these possibilities.”

“It’s not like we’ve never dealt with those things before,” Ed mutters, his voice low yet collected. “We’re conscious of what we have decided. We’d rather have conditional freedom that have it stripped away from us.”

“At least the state will hold up their end of the bargain,” Al added. “Or should we doubt them, sir?”

“There has always been corruption in the military, but it’s been settling down in recent years. Watch your backs with General Hakuro. He definitely doesn’t like you,” Roy stated. “For now, we have to get things sorted out here. You’ll be working with the division in charge of homeland security and defense as well as working under my command.”

“How bad are these terrorist attacks, General?” Ed was more curious than cautious at this point.

“We’ve had a handful so far that haven’t escalated to large threats, but we can never be too careful. I predict they’ll be getting worse with due time,” Roy explained. “Anyway, I can’t have you waddling around with your uneven automail. Go get that fixed and report back as soon as that’s done.”

“I thought we were supposed to stay until things got sorted out,” Al said.

“Government officials will take care of that. There isn’t much you can do for the time being. Might as well take advantage and get an upgrade,” Roy suggested. “Besides, I think there’s a house waiting for you two back in Resembool. Better go visit before you’re sent off to the academy.” A small smile curved his lips, almost as if he’d known that the boys wanted to hear those words.

Ed let out a chuckle. “Why are you being so generous with us, General? I would have imagined you wanted us out of your hair.”

“Don’t get it twisted, Ed; you were my constant headache back in the day,” Roy’s face scrunched up in frustration before letting out a sigh. Ed could relate to the part about having a constant headache, which had been present for him for the past few days. “However, I didn’t find the court martial reasonable. You, of all people, know how I feel about those types of things.”

“Reach a position where you wouldn’t have to follow unreasonable orders,” Al repeated Roy’s words like a sort of mantra.

“You got it, kid.”

Ed and Al looked at one another before facing Roy once again, giving him a bow.

“What’s this?” Roy wasn’t sure if they were just teasing him. He could never be entirely sure with Ed, but if Al was giving him this gesture of respect, then it must have been serious.

“Thank you,” the brothers said.

Roy ran a hand through his hair and puffed out a breath, meeting the boys’ eyes after they straightened up. “Don’t mention it. Now sign the contract and go home. Don’t keep Winry waiting anymore.”

“Right,” Ed smiled.

Al neatly wrote his signature on the elegantly crafted contract before handing the pen to Ed. He read over the paper one last time and signed, noting how different his writing was from Al’s. It would be interesting to see what they both could do, even if this wasn’t what Ed wanted for Al. He would have taken the bargain on his own, but he knew Al wouldn’t have let him go in by himself. How much more would they have to give up in order to be rid of their sins?

___

This was a ride to write. I really hope you guys enjoyed this because it took me weeks to put it all together. This is almost 9k words, probably the longest chapter I’ve ever written (and I’ve written some pretty long pieces)! I noticed that in the fics I’ve read over the years, I’ve never seen anyone bring up the fact that Ed was a deserter…and that would have gotten him court-martialed. This story idea had a completely different outline, but I scrapped it for something else and this was the result. Why are these two suffering more, you ask? I want to see how they handle this journey. In my previous ideas, I hadn’t paid much attention to the brothers’ relationship, but in this final version their bond is central to the plot. I’ve learned so much after re-watching both series several times over the past few months that I have come to appreciate Ed and Al as brothers and as characters, so I couldn’t not include an issue that pertained to them as the main conflict. I also hope the EdWin isn’t forced here. I also also hope that the beginning of this chapter had a smooth transition from past to present. I don’t have a clue about court martials, military academy, or anything related to these things, but I did my best to research. Arakawa-sensei didn’t give us a rubric for these situations, so I’m making it my own and using my creativity. Please let me know what you think!

#edward elric #alphonse elric #winry rockbell #roy mustang #edwin #elric brothers #fullmetal alchemist #fullmetal alchemist 2003 #fma #fma 03 #fran writes #tilted axis #WOOOKAY HERE WE GO #please please share this #it took me so long to write like hhhhh

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polk-a-dop · 7 years ago

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The variations of the canon of Sherlock Holmes

This is my very overdue essay I wrote last year on the variations of the canon of Sherlock Holmes. It should just be under the cut, and Im very sorry to mobile users who dont get a cut and just have the full post.

Why am I posting this now? Because i remembered about it and I wanted to share it before the 17th.

Thank you to everyone that helped with my research, mostly by just doing my survey and blogging it so more people could answer it. I would tag you all but I either cant remember who shared it or I dont want to annoy you.

The variations of the canon of Sherlock Holmes

My EPQ is about the different adaptations and variations that exist of the canon of Sherlock Holmes, the canon is the 56 short stories and 4 novels that Sir Arthur Conan Doyle wrote, why they exist and other adaptations and interpretations that could be seen in the future. For this I am classing works that are almost identical to some of the canon as adaptations alongside works that follow on or show a different story from the original canon, along with this I will also mention works which have been clearly influenced by the original canon but these are not included as being adaptations of the canon. I have chosen to do this topic for my EPQ as I am very interested in the canon and variations of the Sherlock Holmes stories and feel as though there will be a lot of variations to write about as the canon has been around for over 130 years.

The original author, Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, was a Scottish born British writer that is mainly known for writing about the fictional character Sherlock Holmes from 1887 to 1893 and 1903 to 1927. The gap that is present from 1893 to 1903 is because Doyle attempted to kill of the character in “The Final Problem” as he felt burnt out and tired of writing about the same characters and wanted to focus on his other writing which mainly consisted of historical novels, he later brought the character back in 1903, ten years after he originally killed the character, in “The Empty House” as he no longer felt as burnt out as he previously did and he was also offered a large amount of money per story he subsequently wrote.He also wrote about the character Sherlock Holmes in “The Field Bazaar” which was originally published in 1896 to help raise money for the University of Edinburgh and is sadly not considered part of the canon, and then again in his 1901 novel “The Hound of the Baskervilles” which, due to how the public and publishers received it, then lead to Holmes’ return in 1903. During the time that Holmes was killed Doyle also wrote several short stories which do not explicitly mention Holmes or the characters in Holmes’ universe but two of them,“The Lost Special” and “The Man with the Watches”, are implied to be Sherlock Holmes stories as they involve an unnamed detective and are written in a similar style to the other Holmes stories, because of this these implied stories are not included in the canon. In 1921 Doyle also wrote “The Crown Diamond: An Evening with Sherlock Holmes” which is a one act play and is almost identical to his short story titled “The Adventure of the Mazarin Stone”, the play is also not included in the canon although the short story is, another work that is sadly not included in the canon is a very short story titled “How Watson Learned the Trick” which is a total of 503 words which was written for Queen Mary's dolls' house and involves Watson attempting to show Holmes his own deduction skills.

Ever since the first few short stories about Sherlock Holmes and Dr John Watson were written people have been hooked and the Sherlock Holmes fandom was created, despite there being two Sherlock novels already written and published before the short stories people didn't quite take to the character until the shorts were written. The fanbase surrounding the character continued to grow at such speed that by the 26th installment of the canon in 1893, titled “The Final Problem” in which Holmes dies, society was acting as though it were a real death by dressing in mourning and wearing black armbands to commemorate the detective, obituaries were also published in newspapers and multiple people also canceled their subscription to The Stand which published the Holmes stories at the time. To society's delight Doyle brought Holmes back in order to create the other 34 works in the canon. Some suggest that Holmes was originally so popular in the Victorian era because the general public were able to relate to the stories because of their representations of Victorian society including all the good and bad qualities. It can also be suggested that Holmes was portrayed as a true Victorian gentleman which would have aided in success of the canon, along with how it is never fully known how Holmes fits into the class system that was present at the time as he can’t simply be thought of as ‘upper class’ because he needed Watson to help pay the rent in the property they shared but he also can’t be thought of as being part of the ‘working class’ because of the lifestyle he leads.

Despite their being 60 canon works and 4 non canon works by Doyle that did not stop the public's demand for more Sherlock Holmes which has, over the course of the past 130+ years, caused there to then be multiple sequels, pastiches, imitations, plays, movies, TV shows and over 100,000 fan created works following the story of the detective. Most of these adaptations have been made because the creators of them felt a strong connection to the original series and wanted to either update it or add their own little changes to the canon the most notable change is the addition of Holmes trademark deerstalker and cloak which despite never being mentioned in the canon appear in the illustrations drawn by Sidney Paget that went along with the canon when it was originally published. Following on from this some of the other adaptations were even created whilst Doyle himself was still alive and writing more Holmes stories, in this particular instance Doyle had just written a Holmes based play that ended up being rewritten by William Gillette who asked Doyle “May I marry Holmes?” to which Doyle replied “You may marry him, or murder or do what you like with him.” which is now a rather famous quote regarding changing Doyle's work and is often brought up in a response to those people who believe Doyle would not agree with some of the changes done to the canon such as Watson becoming a woman or Holmes being set in 21st century London. Despite this their are always gaps between when new adaptations are created because the public will have lost interest in the canon itself or creating an adaptation of it. The most recent resurface of the public's interest in Sherlock Holmes began in 2009 with the release of the RDJ(Robert Downey Jr) film aptly titled Sherlock Holmes, since then RDJ has starred in sequel to that film and two wildly popular TV shows have been created titled Sherlock in 2010 and Elementary in 2012.

The first film series containing Sherlock Holmes was a collection of 5 films released in 1931-37 starring Arthur Wontner as Holmes. They were titled ‘The Sleeping Cardinal’ which was based on ‘The Final Problem’ and ‘The Adventure of the Empty House’, ‘The Missing Rembrandt’ which was based on ‘The Adventure of Charles Augustus Milverton’, ‘The Sign of Four:Sherlock Holmes’ Greatest Case’ which was based on ‘The Sign of the Four’, ‘The Triumph of Sherlock Holmes’ which was based on ‘The Valley of Fear’, and ‘Silver Blaze’ which was based on ‘The Adventure of the Silver Blaze’ and ‘The Hound of the Baskervilles’. These films and their success would have likely contributed to the creation of the Basil Rathbone film series which was released from 1939-46 which what most likely introduced a new generation of people to the Sherlock Holmes series and has also gone on to be the influence of more modern adaptations. The Rathbone series consists of 14 different Holmes based films only two of which are following Holmes in Victorian London. The first film in the series titled ‘The Hound of the Baskervilles’ and the second film in the series titles ‘The adventures of Sherlock Holmes’ is based on the play Sherlock Holmes written by William Gillette. The rest of the films are set in World War II London as they were being produced during the second World War, this means that the Rathbone series was one of the first series to adapt the Sherlock Holmes canon to the modern day equivalent at the time. Another notable film series is the RDJ adaptations which are also set in Victorian London, although their are only two films in this series it is quite likely the most well known Holmes series out of the three, according to my survey 88 out of the 97 people that answered that question have heard of the adaptation and a further 67 people have watched the adaptation. The RDJ series is as popular is it is because it has been released in the last decade, ‘Sherlock Holmes’ in 2009 and ‘Sherlock Holmes:A game of shadows’ in 2011, which means that t has had more of a world wide reach in both release and advertising than the other two series. This series in particular first follows Holmes take on a new case but has elements drawn from the original series and the second film also mainly follows a new case but has more prominent elements from the original canon such as the character Moriarty and the fate of Holmes at the end of the film. There is also supposed to be a third installment in the series but it is unknown when it will be released, if it does get produced it will most likely follow the same main cast on another new case but will still contain elements of the canon series.

Alongside the three main film series there have been several standalone film adaptations made of the original canon. Some of the most notable of these standalone films are ‘The Private Life of Sherlock Holmes’ which was released in 1970 contains a rather convoluted new case for Holmes but also shows some of Holmes and Watson's personal life which the writer has embellished upon such as Holmes being written as a rather ambiguous gay man. ‘Young Sherlock Holmes’ which was released in 1985 and shows Holmes and Watson meeting at a young age in boarding school and the rest of the story is fairly original but contains some aspects from four of the original canon stories, ‘The Great Mouse Detective’ which is inspired by the Rathbone series but is actually an adaptation of a book called ‘Basil of Baker Street’ which was inspired by the original canon, the film was released in 1986 and was made by Disney which causes this to be some people's favourite childhood film, the main character named Basil, which is a play on Basil Rathbone, and contains several references to the canon stories and includes a clip of Rathbone as Sherlock. And finally ‘Mr Holmes’ which was released much later in 2015 and follows an elderly Holmes, played by Sir Ian McKellen, trying to remember and solve his last case, it is also set in 1947 30 years after Holmes retired. This film is also and adaptation of a book titled ‘A Slight Trick of the Mind’ which is continuation of the canon Holmes character. The majority of the film adaptations were released during the 63 year gap between the final film in the Rathbone series and the first film in the RDJ series, and as shown by ‘The Great Mouse Detective’ the Rathbone series was still inspiring films and new adaptations at least 40 years after its last installment.

Continuing from the film adaptations many different TV variations have been made that are either adaptations of the canon or have been inspired by the original canon. There are several notable TV variations the earliest of which is from 1954-1955 and is simply titled ‘Sherlock Holmes’ and stared Ronald Howard as Sherlock Holmes. This series ran for only one season that consisted of 39 half hour episodes, the series was primarily made up of new stories but some episodes were adaptations from the original canon with some slight changes. This series was also the first american TV adaptation of the original canon, the second american adaptation is ‘Elementary’.

The next adaptation is titled ‘The Adventures of Sherlock Holmes’ which ran from 1984-1994 and starred Jeremy Brett and Sherlock Holmes. As this series ran for ten year it is very likely that it introduced a generation to the original canon, in my survey 68 of the 97 responses said that they had heard of this series, 42 of the 68 said they had watched the series and 27 people said that it was their favourite adaptation. The series itself ran for 9 seasons and had 41 episodes in which it covered most of the original canon. Brett also starred in a play titled ‘The Secret of Sherlock Holmes’ which was written specifically in response to the TV series.

The next series is not a full adaptation of the original canon but is instead heavily influenced by it, it is titled ‘House’ and is an american TV show which ran from 2004 to 2012 and had 8 seasons with a total of 177 episodes the series also featured Hugh Laurie as Dr Gregory House, it was set in the modern day of the time and often followed House treat his hospital patients. The way House diagnoses his patients is similar to the way Holmes solves his cases, along with this House’s apartment is 21B and he suffers from an addiction to prescription painkillers much like how Holmes suffered from a drug addiction. House also has a friend called Dr James Wilson which is very similar to Dr John Watson, who has been referred to as James in the original canon. Along with these there are some direct references to the original canon, for example the patent in the pilot had the name Adler like Irene Adler, the man that shoots House is credited as Moriarty and the last episode of the series is a homage to the canon and how Holmes faked his own death. In my survey 79 out of 97 people said that they had hear of House and 54 of the 79 said they had watched it and a further 11 people said that House was their favorite ‘adaptation’ of the canon. I think that this is because this series is more modern than the previously mentioned ones and has benefited from the rise of social media and advertising, much like the RDJ film series, that the older series did not have. This series also could appeal to a much broader audience than the older series as it is only influenced by Sherlock Holmes and not a full adaptation of it.

The following series is titled ‘Sherlock’ and has ran so far from 2010 to 2017 and it stars Benedict Cumberbatch as Sherlock Holmes. This series is predominantly based in the modern day with the exception of one Christmas special titled ‘The Abominable Bride’ which is primarily based in Victorian London with the exception of a few scenes. This series has 4 seasons with a total of 13 episodes with a length of 90 minutes, including the special, these 13 episodes are primarily based on the original canon stories with the exception of the newer season which contains elements of the original canon but mainly follows its own plot line, the writers have also included several of their own characters to develop the series more with the modern age. Along with the TV series the creators have also technically produced a total of four tie-in websites, one of them is a diary of the character Molly Hooper, one is the official website of Connie Prince, one is the blog of Dr John Watson that is actively mentioned and was updated along side episodes with the exception of the newest season in which the blog was no longer updated and Sherlock Holmes own website. After the release of the second episode of the fourth season the character of Sherlock Holmes took to the social media outlet twitter via the BBC one account and had fans on the site help him solve a case of a dead man, the character also had an opportunity to correspond to fans on the site also, this then lead to a fan creating an account for the character and has been active on the account since.The writers and creators of the show have also stated in an interview that The Private Life of Sherlock Holmes inspired this series along with the pace and style of the Rathbone film series. From my survey all 97 of the people asked has said they had heard of the series and 96 of the 97 people asked said they had watched the series, in addition to that 77 of the 94 people that responded said that the series was their favourite adaptation and 81 out of the 90 responses, including myself, think that ‘Sherlock’ would have the largest fan following as it appeals to a wide range of people and age groups, the chemistry between the actors playing the main characters is excellent which causes the characters friendship to feel real and the series has had a lot of media publicity, including publicity stunts for example for the release of the third season a hearse drove around London with flower letters spelling ‘Sherlock’ inside of it. The final series is titled ‘Elementary’ and has so far ran from 2012 to 2017 with 5 seasons and a total of 120, 43-46 minute long episodes This series much like the series mentioned above it is set in the modern day but in New York and not London, although Sherlock Holmes, played by Jonny Lee Miller, is still from London. Other noticeable differences between this series and others including the canon is that John Watson has been turned into a female character called Joan Watson and James Moriarty has also been turned into a female character Jamie Moriarty and is the same character as Irene Adler in this adaptation. In my survey 88 out of 97 people had heard of the series, but only 25 out of the 88 had watched the show and a further 5 people think that it is their favourite adaptation.

Along with these well known TV and film variations there are also several other variations in different forms. Books, and equivalent works of literature, are the next main form of variation with numerous books and fanworks being written as either an extension to or a retelling of Sherlock Holmes story. As a result of my survey I am able to assume that it is the third largest form of media for the variations as only 12 people said that they heard of one book called ‘The House of Silk’ and 6 people have read this book, one person has also said ‘The beekeeper's apprentice’ although they have not read the book itself, several other people have vaguely put ‘Young Sherlock Holmes’ which is both a film and a book series meaning I have to discount these results despite me placing (TV),(book),(film) with the variations I included in the question. Despite this I have looked into several book variations, ‘The Last Sherlock Holmes story’, ‘The House of Silk’ and ‘The day they met’. I chose these books because they all show something different and were all interesting to me. ‘The House of Silk’ which was published in 2011, is supposedly the first pastiche that was authorized by Arthur Conan Doyle's estate. This specific book starts off with a Preface stating that Holmes has died and Watson is now writing about two additional cases which he previously hasn't written about as ‘They became inextricably tangled up...meaning that they could not be separated.’ These cases are ‘The man in the flat cap’ and ‘The house of silk’. The manuscripts from these cases are also not to be looked at for 100 years after they have been written. The addition of these two new cases makes this book a variation of the canon, along with the fact the new cases are not retellings of the original canon and yet still contain some of the main characters of the canon such as Lestrade and Moriatry, who works with Watson to get Holmes out of prison despite being one of Holmes most well known enemies. ’The Last Sherlock Holmes Story’ which was published in 1978, starts with a foreword stating that Watson had died and is written in a way to suggest these were all real events but also refers to ‘Arthur Conan Doyle’s Sherlock Holmes stories’ implying Watson did not write any of Holmes cases but instead told them to Doyle who wrote and published them instead, it is later confirmed in the story that Doyle was the writer for these cases and then after Holmes died he started to make them up, this didn't bother Watson as by this point most of the public already thought Holmes was a fictional character. Doyle being the author in this book and the original author can bring about discussions on alternate reality/universe, this will be talked about in a later on.This is the only one of the sources I have looked at that involves Doyle in the actual story, this makes it both unique and an adaptation of the original canon. The book involves Holmes attempting to solve the Jack the Ripper killings, which ends in him actually being the killer and making up his nemesis Moriarty, who he thought was the killer and is then framing him as the killer. I find this very interesting because it involves so many different new elements and twists to the story and is presented in such a different way to the other works that it feels as though it is something that has actually been found and published. Alternate reality or universe discussions can be started by the presence of Doyle in this book as it suggests it could have really happened, the stories were published long enough ago that this theory cannot definitively be disproved as there is no one that can say these events didn't actually happen, much like how people have theorised that BBCs Sherlock is now participating in an alternate reality game in which they have tried to mimic the same outburst ‘The Final Problem’ had when it was first released but these are still only theories. ‘The Day They Met’ which was published in 2015, is my favourite book variation out of the three as it contains ‘50 New Ways the World's Most Legendary Partnership Might Have Begun’, these 50 ways range from meeting in the 21st century when Watson tries to get Holmes to donate some of his blood, to the 20th century when both Holmes and Watson first meet to join the army but don't and then meet again under the original circumstances, to the 19th century when Holmes ends up in the same cab as Watson as he tries to catch a criminal. These are all intended to retell the original meeting of the pair from ‘A Study in Scarlet’ and show that the pair are destined to meet no matter the time or place. This is also provides a really good basis for other adaptations to be made, using one of the ways they met to then shape and retell the events after they met. Following on from these books there are also several independent works of fiction that either retell the original canon, add to the canon, or just use the characters and relationships already established by the canon. There are at least 130,000 of these works available and are written by the fans of either the original canon or a variation, typically the writer would either state what they used as the base for their work or it would be presumed from the time period it was written in and characters used, for example a modern style of writing and the involvement of the character Molly Hooper would suggest that it is based from BBC’s Sherlock whereas if it were a modern style of writing but Watson was referred to by using female pronouns it can be presumed that it is based from Elementary. These works also place the characters of Holmes and Watson in a variety of different situations that expand on elements from the variations, such as several of these works combine the characters of Watson and Moriarty which mainly comes from the BBC version showing Watson to be Moriarty for a short amount of time in the last episode of its first season.

Other forms of media have also been used to share different variations of Holmes, such as the radio variation which aired from 1939 to 1947 and had Rathbone portray Holmes once again.There has also been several comic books and cartoons depicting the detective and his cases along several games involving Holmes. These games include board games and video games that have the player help Holmes solve a case or mystery.

Along with the different variations of the canon there are also many references to the canon in other works, much like how the show House isn't directly taken from the canon but is inspired by it. For example the in Doctor Who there are several references to Holmes over the years, from the Doctor meeting Holmes to the eleventh Doctor briefly impersonating Holmes and the villain of this episode stating ‘Dr. Doyle is almost certainly basing his fantastical tales on your own exploits’ to Madame Vestra and her partner Jenny. The Two episodes of Scooby Doo which entail the gang being followed by Holmes ghost until they discover it was actually someone posing as his ghost to try and get away with a crime they have caused. There are also several parody works of the canon, the most notable being The Hillywood Show’s Sherlock parody which is a parody of the BBC series, the parody music video also contains one of the producers of the series which makes it the most notable parody. Since at least the release of the third episode of the fourth season of BBC Sherlock there has been a twitter account, ContackSH, which has been continually posting along with a matching account, ContactJHW, these continue some of the story of the series but also change some details from the series and have been known to go off on cases together and both accounts post images when they go on these cases. Despite this no one knows who runs these accounts or why they are still running them almost a year after the episode aired, along with this the second account was created on the 12th of January 2017, two days after the official BBC account was taken over by Sherlock Holmes, but the first account was supposedly created on the 4th of August 2012, five years prior to Sherlock Holmes even supposedly getting a twitter account although the user could have just easily changed there name on twitter. Although this can feed back into the alternate reality game theory involving the BBC series and their fans.

I have mentioned several pieces of information that I have obtained through my survey, this survey has also provided me with a general amount of information on the fandom surrounding Sherlock Holmes. The majority of the responses from my survey are from females and are from individuals who are age 16-20, my survey is completely anonymous and was placed on a website which needs parental permission to access if the user is under 18, they are also predominantly from either the UK or USA. Just over a 3/4th have read atleast some of the original canon and the top three heard of variations are BBC Sherlock, Elementary and the RDJ Sherlock Holmes films, whereas the top three watched variations are BBC Sherlock, RDJ Sherlock Holmes films and House. Almost all the responders are aware of the cult following Sherlock Holmes has and believe that BBC Sherlock has the largest following because it is both set and filmed in modern times. The vast majority of people believe that their are so many different variations because the original canon are timeless stories that have the classic murder mystery element to them which people will always love and the majority of people have said that their favourite variation is BBC Sherlocks.

The final question of my survey asks ‘What do you want to see in an adaptation?’ Which an overwhelming majority of people have said that they would like an openly gay Holmes/Holmes and Watson, which many believe to have been hinted at in ‘The Private Life of Sherlock Holmes’ and many were hoping it to be shown in BBC Sherlock as it is set and filmed in the 21st century a time where being openly gay is less taboo than when ‘TPLoSH’ was set and released. Another was that many people wanted their to be a female Holmes and Watson, it is unsure whether they don't like the portrayal of the female Watson in Elementary, if they have even seen or know about Elementary or if they would just like both characters to be female, from further research that I have learnt about a Female version of Holmes and Watson that is currently trying to be produced and the pilot was submitted to Amazon studios in order to make the original series. The final answer that many people gave is that they would like to see some adaptations of some later lesser known cannon stories such as ‘The Three Garridebs’, the main reason there are few adaptations of these later stories have still got some form of copyright placed on them whereas Doyle's earlier works have actually no copyright on them which makes it easier to develop from these works than the copyrighted ones. The last copyright expires in 2022, meaning that the earliest some variation of these canon stories could be released is 2023.

Over the 130 years since Arthur Conan Doyle first released his character of Sherlock Holmes on to the public, he has taken a life of his own. The many different variations he has been included in is just an example of how such a classic character can easily be shaped to fit in with a different time. Hopefully time will once again change the classic character and continue his story for years to come.

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Sorry its so long and its all in one post but the last i checked tumblr was having trouble with links so I decided to put this somewhere else and share a link to it. Any way thanks for reading, and thanks again if you helped by taking my survey almost two years ago.I also got a B on this, just in case you wanted to know.

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suredahlia-arc · 7 years ago

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hello hello ! i’m daisy ( 19 // est // she/her ) and my mind has been tricked by florence into thinking it’s 7am when it’s actually,, 4:30pm. i’m in the mountains so we shouldn’t be having it as hard as other places, but everyone is still worried abt falling trees and such ! all my suitemates decided to go be storm-chasers ( every single one of them ? ), so i could be living my best life rn, but i’d rather be writing up an intro for a character i have tried to play over four times then the rp died after,, like,, a day. bless. more below !!

♪ { MARINA DIAMANDIS. FEMALE. MARINA (AND THE DIAMONDS). }Oh shit. Is that BUY THE STARS by DAHLIA ANGELIS on the radio right now?! I stan, omg. SHE’S that INDIE-POP solo artist who’s TWENTY-SEVEN years old. They’ve been in the game for EIGHT YEARS and have THREE ALBUMS out right now. I think they’re very VERSATILE and INTUITIVE, but for some reason they come off as OBSESSIVE and CYNICAL in the tabloids. You mind if I turn this up? daisy. 19. est. she/her.

first, i feel inclined to say why i put “and the diamonds” in parentheses bc without context i either look super uninformed or like a total douchebag?? basically she’s going by just “marina” now but i didn’t know how wide-spread that knowledge was yet and technically all of her work still has “and the diamonds” so i was like “hm. parentheses.” and there’s ur explanation ! onto the intro:

BACKSTORY

TRIGGERS: extreme misogyny, brief mention of gaslighting/emotional abuse, briefly implied physical abuse

so i have been waiting to play a bitch inspired by the stepford wives for forever. if i ever actually finished books that weren’t assigned, wbk i’d read that bitch. but we settle for the 1975 movie. there’s ur preface.

i often get way too caught up in the story of the parents and wind up making just intros like,,, a novella, so i’m gonna do my best to skim over them and go more in-depth when i write the bio later on!!

so dahlia’s mom is inspired by neely “i’m a BIG STAR!” o’hara from ‘the valley of the dolls’ and her dad is, ofc, inspired by walter “no fun quotes or super extra™ monologues” everhart from, you guessed it, ‘the stepford wives (1975)’

just as a very brief explanation as to why “i’m a BIG STAR” wound up in the neighborhood she would, typical fall from glory, first manager whisked her away, “fell in love”, moved to a neighborhood where 95% of the women only found joy in cooking and cleaning

maybe if you HAD a fucking business...

i’ve made this joke so many times i’ve memorized this entire scene.

only one person irl has ever genuinely laughed.

it was my mom.

through a series of gaslighting, emotional manipulation, and groupthink, dahlia’s father gradually got her mother to buy into all of it and have strong opinions on the best laundry detergent.

so this was a strange place to raise a child, amirite ? i mean, you got women discussing tide vs. bounty while baking cake, you got men being treated like kings – we over here in the stereotypical 1950s.

they stanned super small neighborhoods in wales, but should they have ?

so she had a very skewed idea of what was acceptable and what wasn’t. the boys were treated extremely “boys will be boys!” like – like... more than they are when we talk abt the problem with that sentence – and the girls were all wives in training.

it was acceptable for boys and men alike to do whatever they wanted without asking the other. it was acceptable for boys and men alike to complain over anything they wanted. it was acceptable for boys and men to do all of these things that, if we heard about them today, we’d be like “jail??” or, at the very least “leave.”

it was all good and well though!! but one of the four (4) duties dahlia’s mother had was taking care of the child (the other three were cooking, cleaning, and pleasing)

you see, she was used to dahlia’s father blowing things out of proportion when it came to herself – it was normal and healthy!! but she was not used to him blowing things out of proportion on their child, aka dahlia (you see, this is what happens when i start talking about the parents too much)

the first time just warranted a brief “hey, maybe don’t.” the second time warranted a conversation that ended poorly. third warranted an empty threat of leaving that ended poorly. fourth warranted an actual threat that ended poorly. fifth and a bitch was like “ok where r we and how do we get out!!”

after finding her way out, she settled with dahlia in a rly crummy motel, but what else are u gonna do when u only have the few dollars u managed to steal from ur guy??

y’all see i’m already talking in perspective of the parents i hate myself

so dahlia’s mom phoned so many old friends and relatives. unfortunately, as a previous neely “the whole WORLD loves me!!” o’hara who just seemed to drop off the face of the earth, almost everyone was like “bitch tf no you ain’t stayin here”

the last person she phoned was her mom, aka dahlia’s grandmother, down in athens. reluctantly, a bitch was like “fine.”

so dahlia was ~13 by now. her mom found work as a maid bc she was rly good at cleaning and also had no clue how she would ever get a good acting career back (although, mind you, you know a bitch went out for some community theater plays). her grandmother was able to live off the inheritance her late husband, dahlia’s grandfather, left behind – however, she also had a work ethic that drove her to just... do whatever she deemed the right thing to do at the time.

an old woman doing some odd jobs?? you know it!!

dahlia learned how to speak greek which is great bc you know what?? i duolingo’d that bitch and that owl is a jerk who wouldn’t let me get past “ο άντρας” even tho i spelled it!! right!! i had so many ppl compare what i spelled and what the answer was and i’m still bitter!!

anyway.

but she was also basically trained by that community to keep everything inward??

this is a musician rp so you know what she did??

SHE TAUGHT HERSELF TO PLAY PIANO AND WROTE SONGS!!

was a myspace queen tbh. technically speaking, she has more work out there than the three listed albums (i mean, we got mermaid v. sailor, the crown jewels, etc., etc., bUT)

decided “bitch i’m gonna make smth of this” and,,, did. so when she was 19 ‘the family jewels’ was released and,, like,, she decided “wow time to go be an american!!! i love bald eagles!!!”

so i figure the rest is kind of history?? i think i’ll be going in chronological order with the albums (in that a few years after that ‘electra heart’ was released, then ‘froot’, then a hiatus which we do NOT stan, then coming back with a leak ksksksks. BUT i may switch up electra and froot i’m not quite sure yet??)

ya!

PERSONALITY

VERSATILE: ok so she never really does things quite the same ? alexa, play ‘can’t pin me down’ by marina (and the diamonds) dahlia angelis. musically speaking, she really loves experimenting with different sounds. overall, she is still considered indie-pop, but we had some good new-wave pop in ‘the family jewels’, we had some good electropop in ‘electra heart’, we had some good general versatility in ‘froot’ (compare the song ‘froot’ to ‘immortal’ like we were boppin then we were havin an existential crisis). does not like keeping things the same in her music. does not like being compared to other artists bc?? everyone!! is different!! generally speaking, she’s just a very?? open person?? not as in emotionally open, open book – all that, as in willing to try pretty much anything?? as long as it’s not her actual routine, if a wrench is thrown in her plans, a bitch don’t care as long as the wrench ain’t smth dumb. here for a good time, not a long time.

INTUITIVE: ok so she got really into trying to read people and tbh psychoanalyze them ( alexa, play ‘savages’ by marina (and the diamonds) dahlia angelis ) after leaving that. town. with a name she doesn’t even recall?? wbk a bitch would speak up abt it if she could so that all of the women could be fckin saved but she j doesn’t remember anything abt it!! other than the environment in general!! what’s the name?? besides somewhere in wales, what’s the location?? she doesn’t know!! mainly bc i don’t!! and also for the sake of her not actually saying anything abt it willingly!! anyway!! she really does her best to read people and situations in order to analyze like?? the safety aspect, the other person’s stance, etc. doesn’t always work, but she tries. is pretty good at it, but no pro.

OBSESSIVE: ok so y’all see up there me talking abt routines?? there are two (2) ways in which girly is obsessive. first, a literal manner. routines that need to be done so the world doesn’t fall apart. i mean, we stan obscured brain chemistry, but we also stan horrible environments that just exacerbate it, even into adulthood, in the end ( alexa, play ‘obsessions’ by marina (and the diamonds) dahlia angelis. ) (also, i feel i should clear the possible iffy-ness this would have by saying that i’ve got ocd and will, therefore, be portraying it in a manner similar to mine so that it doesn’t come across as offensive to anyone else who may have a different form?? but most of the ‘routines’ won’t be very prominent in interactions). second, music!! when she gets started on a new project, -the mask vc- try ta’ stop [her]! -end vc- . will live in the studio until everything is complete and perfect. will spend her free time writing lyrics she knows she’ll never use bc?? why not?? gotta get that practice in!! can also apply to any other project types, but ofc the main ones would be music related so??

CYNICAL: ok. who’s gonna have a positive worldview after growing up where she did?? ( alexa, play ‘hermit the frog’ by marina (and the diamonds) dahlia angelis ) who’s gonna stan that?? that said, there is not a single genuinely good person in this world ( alexa, play ‘savages’ by marina (and the diamonds) dahlia angelis again ) if u ask her like?? not only did she already have that view after coming to her senses but?? now she knows about terrorists, about people from the usa who are SUPPOSED to be the good guys killing innocent ppl from ‘enemy territories’ for fun, ppl assaulting and killing minorities just bc they’re not like them, etc., etc., etc. convinced no one is inherently good. rly has a love/hate relationship with life ksksksks

HEADCANONS

a lot of these kind of tie into personality tbh??

literally knows everything about every cleaning product ever. ask her about the pros and cons of any and she will tell you. she’ll also tell you when it was manufactured, the ceo of the company that created it at the time, what went in it to make it, etc., etc., etc. knows so much.

kind of going off of that, actually really good at cooking and baking?? she rarely does it willingly, but will make a hell of a chocolate soufflé.

TRIGGER: IMPLIED SEXUAL ASSAULT - i don’t want to go too far into this bc it’s very triggering content to many ppl (and even to ppl who it isn’t, it’s j?? not good.), but.... i mean.... the boys in her formative environment were literally encouraged to do whatever they wanted and they didn’t need permission?? END TRIGGER.

i have a whole-ass routine already figured out. there are a lot of facets obviously, so i’ll just mention a few?? but count them all as one headcanon to be fair.

sets an alarm to get into bed at 1:11am bc it’s a good number but 11:11 is usually too early. sets an alarm for 11:11am to wake her up. will chill in bed if she’s awake before then but it has yet to go off. only exceptions are when she’s working on something she deems urgent.

that said, good numbers are 1, 3, 4, 5, 6, 8, 10, 11, 12, 14, 16, 17, 18, 21, etc. no rhythm to it, but i wasn’t gonna go?? up until?? infinity??

if there are two doors that are both available to be opened and closed (aka not one of those “enter through this one, exit through this one”), will always enter through the right and exit through the left.

we don’t stan sidewalk cracks!!

a lot of superstition plays into these. but?? loves black cats. they’re chill.

i have a stats page coming that has more so!!

during the eh era, be it the last one or the one before that, decided to method act while she was still writing the songs ksksksks. that’s going to go into some of her more specific connections.

a bitch will both fight and not fight. got ‘the family jewels’ attitude back and we stan!!

was obviously able to write the ‘housewife’ archetype songs from her own personal experience ksksksks. didn’t rly have to dive into the stereotype. j knew it already.

more?? later??

CONNECTION IDEAS

so i have a few specific ones that are attached to a different blog (u kno one of the ones that died) that i’ll be moving over here, but here are some of the ones that stuck out more than others – also, all are open to any gender!:

UPDATE: wc page is here!

during the eh era while she was ‘method acting’ (we hate.), she knew this muse was in a relationship but was still like?? “hey let’s go have a meaningless ons” bc we stan "homewrecker”! (can have a number of muses!!)

a relationship that really didn’t work out in the end. the other kept trying to make things better so they would stay together. inspired by “buy the stars” (one muse)

the first celebrity whose discography or filmography she got really into before moving to america. would’ve had to have been around for longer than eight years. slightly inspired by “hollywood” (one muse)

ok this one. makes me laugh. literally just someone who always gets her mistaken for someone else – it doesn’t even have to look like her. 100% inspired by “hollywood” ( oh my god! you look just like shakira! no, no – you’re catherine zeta! ) (open to two muses)

she’s not known for a good reputation, but she’s also not known for a bad one. this muse wants to turn her to the dark side and make her become everything she never wanted to be?? so very similar to ‘the bad influence’ connection, j w/ a slightly different connotation on dahlia’s end. inspired by “oh no!” (open to two muses)

these bitches were either friends or love interests once, but things fell apart (either mutually or on the other’s side like?? i don’t want to godmod but for the song’s sake). dahlia is,, bad abt forgiveness,, but there have been enough apologies. inspired by “forget” (open to one muse)

dahlia has a very keen interest in this person. whether it’s infatuation or literally just interest, god only knows! obviously goes deeper than that but i’m horrible at explanations. suffice it to say, inspired by “immortal”

ok!! so now j some general ones!!

best friend

ride or die

drinking buddy

fwb

ons

exes

enemies for whatever reason

frenemies

collab partner

muse for any of her songs?

etc., etc., etc. !

LIKE THIS OR HMU IF U WOULD LIKE TO PLOT !

u can also find me on discord @ john donne’s whore #5590

#at40:intro #this took sm longer than i was expecting #ALSO!! i realize i put in. six headcanons. but i am too akin to honest abe i cannot tell a lie i'll only be counting it as five in my point #s bless.

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upontheshelfreviews · 7 years ago

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Sigh, poor package features, why does nobody like you? Why is it that internet reviewers and Disney critics and fans always seem to give you the shaft? Is it the minimized animation budget? The effort towards story and character that was forcibly driven towards wartime propaganda over actual films? The deviation of a traditional three-act structure in favor of a string of unrelated shorts woven together by a loosely connecting theme or narration? Well in a manner of speaking, it’s a combination of all three. For one thing most people I know prefer to sit down and enjoy a movie that has one uninterrupted story. And yes there are a good number of films, great ones, in fact, that play around with how the story is presented, but as of writing there’s yet to be an audience or even a filmmaker clamoring for an animated equivalent of something like Pulp Fiction.

In theory.

And of course the major factor in all this is the time period in which these movies were made. I’ve already talked about this in my review of The Adventures of Ichabod and Mr. Toad but for those not on the uptake, THERE WAS A FREAKING WORLD WAR WHILE THIS WAS GOING ON. Disney couldn’t afford to do something on the scale of Pinocchio or Fantasia or even Dumbo because his best animators were A, drafted out to fight, B, struggling to work with what little resources they had when the government was also pushing them to remind the public to buy bonds, or C, kicked out because of the disastrous animators’ strike of the early ’40’s. Projects with linear narratives that were considered big scale like Alice in Wonderland, Peter Pan, and Lady and the Tramp were put on hold for virtually a decade. The best they could do was package a bunch of fun little shorts together because releasing them individually wouldn’t bring in as much desperately needed revenue as a full feature would.

And who says these shorts are bad? I don’t! At worst they’re fluffy little time fillers, but at their best they can hold their own with the big leagues of Disney animation. Again, going back to my Ichabod and Mr. Toad review, Disney’s Legend of Sleepy Hollow is the first thing I and a good many others think of when the story comes to mind. I also have the advantage that a lot of people today sadly don’t in that I grew up with virtually all of the package feature shorts in one way or another, either through individual VHS releases or on the Disney Channel as part of shows like Mouse Tracks, Donald’s Quack Attack, or the DTV music videos. It would be years until I saw them all as they were meant to in order as one full film, but blame Disney themselves for that. It’s a Catch-22 situation when it comes to their forgotten films; Disney sees there’s not much public interest in these old movies and so holds out on releasing them for as long as possible, while the public notices Disney never getting around to releasing these movies and think it must be because they’re not worth their time. So nobody wins and we all get smothered under another avalanche of Frozen dvds.

“FROZEN??!!! FROZEN FROZEN FROZEN!!!!!”

“No! Go home! You’re drunk!”

As of writing there’s only two – count ’em, TWO – Walt Disney Animated Classics that have yet to be released fully on Blu-Ray, and they’re, you guessed it, package features. “Make Mine Music” and “Melody Time” to be precise. You wanna know how old the dvds for them are? The advertisements that play before the main menu are for The Tigger Movie and The Little Mermaid 2. That’s THE YEAR 2000. NEARLY TWENTY YEARS AGO. And the only reason why today’s feature “Fun and Fancy Free” got on blu-ray is because the higher ups at Disney decided to combine it with Ichabod & Mr. Toad. So now we have a package blu-ray of two package features (three if you count The Reluctant Dragon which is also on there). It’s Package-ception, if you will. BWOMP.

“She’ll get around to the actual review any minute now, folks.”

Back to the topic at hand, World War Two was finally winding down and the country was in a state of elation from having their boys return home after tearing the Axis powers a new one. Walt Disney had ideas for two full-length features, one inspired by a short story by Sinclair Lewis (I’d say based on but it barely resembles the tale that’s printed) and the other a take on Jack and the Beanstalk starring Mickey Mouse. Neither of them were able to get the treatment he wanted due to story issues and because the first thing to go during wars and Republican administrations is money for the arts. So he compromised by bringing them both into one movie with each of them sharing a half. Looking back I would have loved to have seen what an hour-length or even 75 minute version of Mickey and the Beanstalk would have been like because for all its flaws I enjoy it that much, and I’m tired of holding my breath waiting for Disney to do SOMETHING with “Gigantic”. Bongo on the other hand, I can’t see as anything other than a short, but that’s not a jab at its quality. Yet how do both stand up as a feature? Does it live up to what its title promises? Let’s find out.

After the main title song (which sounds like the opening theme of a variety show from that decade), we get Jiminy Cricket from Pinocchio going about his merry way in somebody’s house singing “I’m a Happy Go Lucky Fellow”. This was actually a deleted song from Pinocchio meant to be sung by Jiminy, so it’s good to hear it sung here. It proves the old adage about ideas at Disney is true; things are never thrown away, just put aside for someone to find and use later.

Wait, that book, is that…Darkman?! Whoever owns this library has good taste.

After startling a goldfish who resembles Cleo from Pinocchio, Jiminy concludes the fish suffers from too much anxiety and tries to reassure her by showing her a newspaper full of headlines that amount to “doom imminent, we’re all gonna die” (ah, the New York Post never changes). He explains that everyone’s been playing Nostradamus for years saying the world is going to end tomorrow but you can’t go around thinking like that. Que sera sera, whatever will be will be, you get the idea. I get where Jiminy’s coming from, I truly do, but it’s hard to back up his philosophy when he’s using real current problems as examples to ignore.

See what I mean?

Jiminy runs into a hungry cat and hides out in a child’s playroom where he bumps into a sad-looking doll and teddy bear. Assuming that all toys must be like his buddy Pinocchio he takes on the role of conscience yet again and tries to help them with their problems.

“Lemme guess, you’re wishing to become a real girl, right?” “No, I’m just disheartened by the extreme gender stereotyping that are enforced through children’s playthings and the psychological ramifications that are passed down with every generation.” “Swell!”

Jiminy’s prognosis is that these two depressed toys are in desperate need of some music and fun to cheer them up. So he whips out a record of Dinah Shore reading and singing the story of Bongo the Bear.

“The main character of the piece we’re about to watch, obviously.”

“No, I mean who the hell is Dinah Shore?”

“Ah. Gotcha.”

Dinah Shore was a popular big band singer of the 1940’s and one of the first female artists of her day to make a successful solo career for herself. She appeared on multiple popular radio shows, was a Chevrolet spokeswoman, won a total of nine Emmys for her various television shows and specials, and was romantically linked with stars ranging from Jimmy Stewart to Burt Reynolds. And remember Pee-Wee’s Christmas Special? She’s the woman who keeps popping in singing an endless rendition of The Twelve Days of Christmas that goes over the end credits.

This wasn’t Dinah’s first contribution to a Disney package film as she had lent her pipes to the titular song of the “Two Silhouettes” segment in Make Mine Music the year prior. She does fine as the narrator of this section, though there’s one teensy problem I have which I’ll get to eventually.

The record begins with Dinah Shore saying this is a story about three bears.

No, Ms. Shore spells it out for us – a girl bear, a big mean bear who wants to be her mate, but mostly of Bongo, a bear born and raised in the circus who’s the star of the show. Had this story turned out the way Walt originally envisioned, it would have been something of a crossover-sequel of Dumbo with the titular elephant and the catty matriarchal troupe of pachyderms providing cameos. I assume this fell through due to Dumbo’s salary demands being a little too far out of Walt’s price range.

You know the war’s hit you hard when working for peanuts puts a crunch on your budget.

Bongo puts on his impressive act of juggling on a unicycle while on a high wire before making a spectacular dive. But we’re also privy to what happens when the show is over; no sooner does he back out of the tent from his curtain call than he’s manacled, hosed down, tossed into a cage and hauled off to the next state for a literal rinse and repeat. He’s the circus’ main draw, but he’s treated worse than, well, an animal.

And people wonder why Ringling Bros. went out of business.

In between shows the miserable Bongo dreams of a life of freedom out in nature. We’re supposed to feel immediate sympathy for Bongo based on what we see and because Dinah Shore tells us to, but the abuse is edited so quickly and played off almost comically. They’re aiming for Dumbo’s level of emotion but we had time to get to know Dumbo and develop a connection with him. We saw him be happy, we saw him bond with his mother, we saw him befriend Timothy; almost all of that happened before he was thrust into heart wrenching drama. We barely know anything about Bongo apart from he’s a talented circus performer who’s more like a prisoner than a celebrity. Did he have a good childhood? Was his family in the same line of circus work? Does he have a favorite color?

One day the call of the wild is too loud to ignore. He escapes thanks to a very flimsy lock on the door of his train car (you think between that and how the staff treats him they’re purposefully setting up an opportunity for him to vamoose) and soon he’s zooming down the mountain on his unicycle. For the next several minutes Bongo explores his new forest surroundings and befriends the usual bevy of Disney fauna. Dinah Shore underscores Bongo’s laid back euphoria with “Lazy Countryside”, an easygoing and pleasant tune.

Unfortunately after night falls Bongo is quick to learn that the bare necessities of life will not come to you, at least not right away. Between the incessant chatter of nocturnal animals and insects keeping him awake and a storm threatening to cut his newfound life short, Bongo spends the night and most of the following morning cold, alone, and starving. His attempt at fishing like a bear should doesn’t go as hoped, but it does catch the eye of our story’s love interest, Lulabelle.

Voted “Most Likely to Awaken A New Generation of Furries” in the ’47 Disney yearbook.

I love Bongo’s reaction to seeing Lulabelle for the first time; an unmoving incredulous expression on his face as he tries to wake himself up from this vision, all the while Dinah Shore says “I must be dreaming! It’s too good to be true!” about three dozen times. The two flirt for a little while before we’re spun into the next musical number called, you guessed it, “Too Good To Be True”. It’s cute, but the floating on pink clouds, the hearts everywhere, the little cupid bears flying around, it all seems somehow familiar…

“Do the Care Bears countdown, and send a wish on to the aiiiiir…”

The song itself is nice, but there’s one that always springs to mind which I prefer. My introduction to the story of Bongo was not through a full viewing of Fun and Fancy Free or even a tape of this segment, but through DTV. See, the Disney Channel launched around the time MTV was a massive success, and wanting a little of that to rub off on them the company commissioned a series of interstitials comprised of clips from their shorts and animated films edited to classic pop, rock and blues hits and called it DTV. They basically predated the kind of fanmade music videos you see on YouTube. It was popular enough that there were even a few hour-long holiday specials built around them (mainly Valentine’s Day and Halloween). I bring this up because one of the first DTV videos I remember watching and am still fond of is Marvin Gaye and Tammi Terrell’s “Ain’t No Mountain High Enough” set to a few mountain-climbing themed shorts but primarily scenes from Bongo. And darn it, it cuts through the corniness and simply works. The imagery and overall sappiness of “Too Good To Be True” evokes every single vapid and thoroughly unsubtle Valentines Day product that is churned out en masse that time of year. No, wait, it’s not Valentines Day level of beating you over the head with glamorized romance. It’s Defcon 5, people – it’s LOVE DAY.

So Bongo and Lulabelle are happily in love, but it would make for a pretty dull short if it ended right here. Looks like we’re gonna need some more conflict to get the ball rolling. Enter our third bear, Lumpjaw, whom Dinah Shore describes as “the roughest, toughest, meanest bear with murder in his eyes”.

Meh, typical cartoon bear, he’s not so scar –

AHHHHH!! I TAKE IT BACK! I TAKE IT BACK!!

Lumpjaw is jealous that this newcomer is making moves on “his” girl, and since Bongo doesn’t know how to fight like an ordinary bear he starts getting the crud kicked out of him until Lulabelle intervenes – and slaps him silly herself.

Bongo believes Lulabelle must hate him and is completely oblivious to her and the other bears watching the spectacle waiting for him to hit her back. You see in this movie, the law of the forest dictates that bears show love by hitting each other repeatedly.

“She hit me…and it felt like a kiss…”

And oh I can already hear the wailing of “this promotes abusive relationships” through my computer screen. First off, I KNOW firsthand what an abusive relationship is, and it is more than just physical violence. That doesn’t condone violence, not one iota, but emotional/psychological abuse play a part in it as well, and Bongo is at least quick enough to recognize the smacking as what it should be, an unwarranted act of aggression that is entirely the slapper’s own fault. Second, give the kids you put this on for some fucking credit. Children’s entertainment is not one size fits all. Some might internalize this backwards logic of “hitting means love”, but others may ignore it completely. If you’re concerned that they might act out this kind of violence after watching this, just sit them down and talk to them about it instead of assuming the worst and convincing your neighborhood to toss their dvds into the nearest dumpster fire. Even if you tell them something as basic as “this is only how bears show they love each other but not how people do” they’ll be more apt to listen. Speaking of, there is some truth to this fact as bears in the mating season can get territorial and violent, hence all emphasis on the slapping. As ridiculous and horribly dated as this whole concept of this plot point is, I’ll give the story men credit that they didn’t pull it entirely from their asses.

Lulabelle doesn’t understand why Bongo isn’t hitting her back and since they can’t talk it out because the only method of communication is the narrator providing inner monologues, the usual romantic misunderstanding ensues. You know how I feel about this blasted cliche, so there’s no point dwelling on it. She tries to give Bongo one more chance with another slap, but he ducks and she hits an eager Lumpjaw instead. The other bears congratulate the two on their forthcoming nuptials while Bongo sulks off.

Then comes our next musical number performed for the half-happy couple by the tribe of bears, “Say It With a Slap”. It sounds like something you’d hear in the Country Bear Jamboree, from the background yodeling to the square dancing bridge to the subject matter being hilarious for the time and for Southerners but awkward and uncomfortable by today’s modern sensibilities. Also as far as ritualistic courtship dances go I’m more fond of the Finnish Fish Shlapping Dance myself.

Watching the festivities from afar Bongo finally puts two and two together and races back to Lulabelle. Since Bongo can’t fight Lumpjaw on the big guy’s terms he faces him like a smarter than the average circus bear and pummels him good with his unicycle. I’ll give the sequence this, it’s the most entertaining thing in this half of the picture. Maybe if this story had focused more on Bongo learning to adapt to the wild bear lifestyle and finding a middle ground between that and his circus upbringing rather than dawdle on love montages and countryside imagery this could have been a more interesting short.

The two wind up on a log on a river, and since this is an animated movie they quickly find themselves at the edge of a waterfall. Lumpjaw goes over but oh no, Bongo’s gone too – oh wait, no he isn’t, yaaaay. The bears celebrate, Bongo becomes a willing participant in Lulabelle’s masochism tango, and they live slappily ever after.

The record ends and Jiminy is pleased to see the toys are now smiling. Thrilled that he’s got two inanimate objects buying into his well-intentioned dime store philosophy, Jiminy is about to go on his way when he spies a birthday party invitation lying about and uses that as an excuse to invite himself. I’d make a complaint here about Jiminy being a gate crasher but it’s something he’s done since Pinocchio; hell, that movie kicked off with him hopping into Gepetto’s workshop uninvited looking to spend the night and messing with some of the toys there as well so nothing has changed between then and this movie.

At the house across the way is the party in question being held for Luana Patten, a Disney child star who’s also appeared in Melody Time, So Dear to My Heart, and Song of the South, usually alongside future Peter Pan Bobby Driscoll. The host is a popular ventriloquist of the day, Edgar Bergen, and his two dummies, little wiseacre Charlie McCarthy and bumbling bumpkin Mortimer Snerd. In fact, they’re the ONLY ones there. Just tell yourself Luana’s parents had to go out for the night and Bergen’s a family friend who’s babysitting and it makes this scene slightly less questionable. When Jiminy shows up, Bergen is doing one of his ventriloquism tricks for little Luana with a literal hand puppet.

This early version of Lamb Chop’s Play Along is WEIRD.

Now this scene is something that irks a lot of people, and I understand why. Bergen is often touted as the man who popularized ventriloquism but here you see his lips constantly moving. In this kind of act what impresses people is that you’re making your puppet appear to be talking WITHOUT making it obvious that you’re the one who’s doing it. The fact that his popularity got started on the radio, where NOBODY could see him pulling this off is especially baffling. I suppose what Bergen lacked in innate talent he made up for with a good sense of comic timing and his fairly likable if simple characters. Speaking of, Charlie and Mortimer are odd to be sure, and I see why some find them off-putting with their big unblinking eyes and noticeable slits around their large mouths, but personally speaking I’ve found certain Muppets to be much creepier than these dummies. Despite all this, I can’t hate the guy or his weird looking puppets or their questionable placement in this movie.

And you wanna know why?

Because if it wasn’t for Edgar Bergen, we wouldn’t have Jim Henson.

I kid you not.

Henson was a huge fan of Bergen as a child, and it led to him wanting to become a puppeteer. I think we all know how that turned out. It’s enough that as a way of showing his appreciation to Bergen he gave him and Charlie McCarthy a cameo in The Muppet Movie and dedicated it to him after his passing.

Bergen decides to regale the company with the story of Jack and the Beanstalk. When you think about it, Jack and the Beanstalk is a hard tale to tell, not because it’s been done so many times before but because there’s so few good versions out there. Let’s get one fact straight, Jack is a TERRIBLE main character. He makes a stupid decision that nearly plunges his destitute family into further poverty, then cons and steals from an innocent housewife no less than three times and kills her husband in cold blood when he’s caught. It takes a lot to make you want to root for him, and lord knows people have tried. The Faerie Tale Theater version added a backstory where the giant was the one responsible for killing Jack’s father and stealing his family’s treasures in the first place. HBO’s Happily Ever After series and The Henson Company’s made for TV movie explored Jack’s morality by having him learn greed makes him as much of an all consuming monster as the giant. The Gene Kelly television special and the animated Japanese version both added a cursed princess in need of rescuing; the latter also went for straight out weirdness just for good measure. And then there’s the Sondheim musical Into The Woods, which told the story best by forcing Jack to face the consequences of his actions when the giant’s widow finds another beanstalk and climbs down for revenge.

So how does Disney make their version one with no questionable morals or character motives? By having their three main stars Mickey Mouse, Donald Duck and Goofy star in it, of course (if you haven’t already gotten that before). There were tons, and I mean TONS of story ideas that were tossed around when this was being developed as a full-length feature which I would have loved to have seen in the final product. One version would have had Honest John and Gideon from Pinocchio be the ones who swindle Mickey into buying the magic beans. Another one had Minnie be the queen of Happy Valley (proving that not all animated queens who don’t have ice powers have to be evil) and had her give the beans to Mickey as a way to return the dried up Happy Valley to its former glory. There were lots of gags and and creative visual concepts about the land of the giants and what would happen when the main trio got there. For a time the hen that laid golden eggs, a staple of the original story, was a part of it, and she would have been played by the now relatively obscure character of Clara Cluck! Unfortunately everything had to go when the war started and the budget got slashed. And that’s not the only thing that went with it. This short would be the last time Walt Disney would provide Mickey’s voice as his smoking habit was beginning to affect his performance. After this he would pass the torch to the studio’s sound effects wizard Jimmy McDonald.

Bergen opens the tale in the magical land of Happy Valley and we see Luana imagining it in her mind as he builds on details like babbling brooks, lush farms and a splendorous castle overlooking it all. And in that castle lives the key to Happy Valley’s success, a magical singing harp (Anita Gordon). She sings the lovely “My What a Happy Day”. I really like this song; some have told me it’s the sound of blandness, but I can’t hear them over the innocent joy it infuses me with. Maybe it’s the fact that I grew up with this particular short that makes me enjoy it so much. My VHS copy had the story narrated by beloved Wonderful World of Disney character Ludwig Von Drake with bookends featuring him and Herman the Bootle Beetle, and I watched it all the time. It was my childhood.

According to Bergen the song of the Harp casts a spell of prosperity and happiness over the land, which admittedly raises one potent question: The enchanted prosperity I can get but is the happiness a side effect, or is it enforced like that one Monty Python skit where everyone in that Happy Valley has to be happy all the time or else?

Of course the story would go nowhere if it was constantly this happy which leads into my favorite exchanges between Bergen and Charlie:

Bergen: It was too good to last – Charlie: I knew there was a catch. Bergen: For one day – Charlie: They built a schoolhouse.

Out of the blue an enormous shadow creeps over the valley like a storm cloud (complete with actual thunder and lightning too) and snatches the Harp from the castle. Without the Harp’s music Happy Valley decays into a barren wasteland that no amount of song can salvage.

And Lord knows they’ve tried.

We check in on Mickey, Donald and Goofy, three starving farmers with nothing to their name but a dried up cow, a crust of bread they have to slice paper thin, and a solitary bean. It’s a darkly comic sight, one made even more tension-filled and humorous when it’s filtered through the narration…

…in the Von Drake version.

Yeah, while we’re on this topic I might as well go into why I prefer the one with Von Drake narrating over the original. The main problem I have with Bergen is the same I have with Dinah Shore’s voiceover in the Bongo section, yet by comparison Shore is barely a nuisance. You want to know what that is?

BERGEN.

NEVER.

SHUTS.

THE HELL.

UP.

Everything he adds to the proceedings is already plain to see before us, and when he isn’t talking about the current action on screen or trading barbs with Charlie McCarthy he’s going into what the characters must be thinking or feeling at that moment. It’s not like film is a visual medium where we can draw our own conclusions based on what we’re viewing and our prior knowledge of the characters, oh no, we have to be told everything like we’re children. Oh wait, we don’t, because I watched the Von Drake one when I was a child and I knew what was going on without him telling me every five seconds! The Von Drake edition knows when to clam up and let what’s happening speak for itself. It allows this half of the movie to breathe and lets us take in some good atmosphere and music where there was once constant voiceover. On top of that, Von Drake’s delivery hits all the comic beats while Bergen’s is rather dry. The original Mickey and the Beanstalk from Fun and Fancy Free has cleaner scene transitions as well as moments that were edited from the Von Drake edition since that was taken from television, but half the charm comes from Von Drake and Herman; that and the previously mentioned amount of narration makes their take the superior version.

“Wow…I never realized how much I needed to say all that.”

“Felt good, didn’t it?”

“You have no idea, Cynicism.”

Anyway, caught between starvation pangs and an omnipotent voice incessantly stating the obvious, Donald finally snaps and attempts to make a sandwich out of the plates and cutlery. Goofy and Mickey bring him back to his senses, or so it would seem.

Ah, I knew this movie was lacking something – nightmare fuel!

Mickey spies the axe conveniently hanging on the wall has gone missing nearly too late. Outside Donald is making his moves on the cow.

Heeeeeeere’s ducky!!

For many people this is one of the scariest moments in Disney cinema. While I’m not inclined to agree I can surely understand. His slow descent into madness is framed almost like a psychological thriller. Plus, we all know Donald’s had a temper before but we’ve never seen him flat-out attempt murder…almost.

I’d like to point out that in the picture on the left the gun is going off in a crowded theater. Unfortunately the timelessness of Disney’s films doesn’t always apply to their early shorts.

Mickey and Goofy intervene in the nick of time and the story fades back to the puppet party. Charlie is all up for Donald murdering the cow to survive and lists a number of increasingly gruesome ways to pull it off over Luana and Mortimer’s distressed protests. Ok, NOW I think I understand why everyone is terrified of Charlie McCarthy. The kid’s a little wooden sociopath.

After some more blathering, Bergen gets the story back on track and tells us Mickey went to go trade the cow for some much needed vittles. But Donald and Goofy’s dreams of a Be Our Guest style feast are dashed when he returns home with nothing but a handful of beans. Donald goes berserk even after Mickey says they’re supposed to be magic and smacks them out of his hand where they fall into a hole in the floor. Yet as everyone sleeps that night, light from the full moon shines into the house, which is the very thing needed for the beans to work their magic. The whole sequence where the beanstalk grows through the entire house and raises it up to the sky is a highlight. It begins with an almost sinister air, the beanstalk crawling its way upward and silently through the dark like a snake, and the wonder and music constantly builds as it climbs higher towards the heavens. Every action matches with the music, and the animation is the best in the whole movie. I must say it always amazed me that Mickey, Donald and Goofy are able to sleep as heavily as heavily as they do through the whole ordeal, especially since they get shaken around so much and come close to falling so many times. Were the hunger pains that bad that they took a heavy dose of Ambien before turning in?

The three wake up that morning in a land in the clouds where everything towers above them (and apparently they’re totally fine with their house being destroyed). They venture to a nearby castle where the only clue as to who lives there is a set of footprints each the size of a ditch. While crossing the moat Donald angers a formation of dragonflies and one dive bombs them. On the tape I had it was immediately swallowed by a jumping fish and the ensuing splash washed the friends to shore. So imagine my surprise the first time watching it in full and seeing this was a full-blown action sequence of sorts with the dragonfly going after them repeatedly and their little vessel nearly sinking. I’m guessing it was cut for time but it’s kind of a neat part.

Mickey and crew climb up the enormous stairs and sneak in the castle under the door, and all the while Bergen does not stop talking. I’m almost tempted to put it on mute when the animated characters aren’t the ones who are speaking. They come across a giant table laden with enormous food and gladly help themselves. Goofy in particular gets in plenty of shenanigans involving a bouncy jello mold. The gorging is cut short when they hear the voice of the Harp coming from a locked chest. She informs them that she was kidnapped by the giant Willie.

Twenty-eight years of watching this…how did I not realize… There is no way that name could have been chosen at random!

Bergen tells us Willie is “a heartless monster” who stole the Harp because “he was cruel and selfish and didn’t care what happened to Happy Valley”. And I…he…I…

No.

NO.

Screw you, Bergen.

Screw you, screw your horrible narration skills, and especially screw your picking on my Willie!

“Ugh, there’s no way around that phrasing, is there?”

Again, going back to the Von Drake edition, they painted Willie in a much kinder light, one that’s more true to his character. He’s not the crude, gluttonous, overly violent thug like past giants. He’s big enough to pose a threat but he’s silly and very endearing, almost childlike at times.

Come on, does this even look cruel, selfish and wicked to you?

His goofy voice plays a part in it as well thanks to Billy Gilbert, the same actor who voiced Sneezy in Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs. At one point he even gets to do his trademark over-the-top sneeze. Willie does not seem at all like a cold-hearted brute who would leave an entire kingdom to rot for his own selfish pleasures. It’s highly likely he didn’t even know the Harp was needed for the land to thrive and was completely ignorant to the fact that Happy Valley was turning into Death Valley without her. That’s why it bugs me when he’s lumped into the group of Disney villains. Nearly every bad guy in the canon either openly embraces how evil they are or do what they do because they believe it is the right thing. Willie falls into neither category; most of his maliciousness is incidental rather than intentional. If you don’t believe me that he isn’t evil, look at how he’s portrayed beyond this movie. In a bout of perfect casting, he plays the friendly and jovial Ghost of Christmas Present in Mickey’s Christmas Carol. He’s also made positive appearances in shows like House of Mouse and Mickey Mouse Clubhouse. Maybe it’s just because I’ve always had an affinity for big tough looking characters who are really enormous marshmallows (wait until you see who my favorite character is when we get around to reviewing the American Tail movies), but I can never see Willie as a true villain, and that’s a good thing. So back off, Bergen. He may be a big galoot, but he’s MY big galoot.

What also separates Willie from the giants in most other adaptations is that he has the ability to change himself into anything he wants provided he says or sings the magic words “Fee Fie Fo Fum”. A common complaint with this new feature is that it’s completely unnecessary; his superpower is that he’s already big and strong, so why give him magic? I disagree. I like his transformations and think it adds something special to him. Walt purposefully wanted to create a combination of the traditional beanstalk giant and the shape shifting ogre from the fairy tale Puss in Boots to add more danger and intrigue to the story (as well as eliminate the moral quandary of making a side character a widow). In fact one has to wonder if this means Walt ever planned on doing an animated take on Puss in Boots someday. My only wish is that Willie’s powers were utilized more as it was originally planned in both his song and the first draft of the ending, where he’s shrunk down to normal size and becomes a member of Queen Minnie’s court.

Willie discovers Mickey hiding out in his sandwich and snatches him. But clever Mickey has already seen Willie showcase his powers through his introductory number and pretends to learn and be impressed by that fact after reading Willie’s palm. Willie is eager to show off and Mickey, spying a flyswatter nearby, asks if he could transform himself into a housefly. Willie is of course suspicious and would rather be something like a pink bunny but goes along with it anyway. The friends prepare to attack, but Willie does the old switcheroo and exposes them.

I’m guessing Mickey never bothered to actually read the original Puss in Boots story; there Puss convinces the shapeshifting ogre to turn into gradual bigger and fiercer creatures and then taunt him into becoming something small and helpless so he can dispose him. Sweat the small stuff immediately and the one you’re trying to trick will be on to you right away.

Willie captures his would-be murderers though Mickey escapes before he can get locked up with Donald and Goofy. Luckily they have an ally in the Harp, who sings Willie to sleep with the sweet lullaby “My Favorite Dream”. Mickey is able to sneak the key out of his pocket after almost waking him with an upturned box of snuff and rescues his friends. Donald and Goofy start making their way back to the beanstalk with the harp, but Mickey tries to buy them more time by tying up Willie’s shoelaces in case he wakes up. Unfortunately doing this does cause Willie to wake up and attack. There’s a surprised “Oh!” from Luana at this part that was left in on the Von Drake tape so for the longest time I assumed it was the Harp crying out in terror despite the fact that they sound nothing alike. Oops.

Mickey manages to outsmart Willie at every turn, mainly because the giant is so furious he conveniently forgot he can become anything and catch and crush Mickey like an insect at any second. The story abruptly ends with the three friends cutting down the beanstalk and Willie crashing to his death. We don’t even get to see the harp returned or Happy Valley restored or Mickey, Donald and Goofy sharing a victory high five. Mortimer’s not satisfied mainly because he’s saddened by Willie’s murder, and I don’t blame him. As if I need to repeat it, they do too good a job of making him likable that you don’t want to see him die. Bergen responds by reminding Mortimer that Willie is only a fictional character and gives him a crash course in fantasy vs. reality – one that is completely thrown out the window when the real Willie looks in on them.

So, sentient crickets and puppets are accepted as normal as well as a living giant that everyone once believed to be fictional…

This whole movie took place near Gravity Falls.

There is no other possible explanation for this.

Bergen has the appropriate reaction and faints, Mortimer takes comfort in knowing reality is an illusion and the universe is a hologram, and Jiminy figures maybe now is a good time to get the heck out of dodge before this crossover gets any stranger. So our odd little film comes to a close as we follow Jiminy tailing Willie as he terrorizes the downtown Los Angeles area in search of the mouse who made him homeless.

“Run!! It’s Godzilla!!” “It may look like Godzilla, but due to international copyright laws and the fact that this giant is so obviously a human whereas Godzilla is reptilian, it’s not.”

Well…that was something. Maybe not as spectacular or fully underrated as I remember, but it was something. The host parts are disjointed and don’t gel very well, even in comparison to the other package features. But the main draw at the time was less about the animation and characters and more about the celebrities that would be playing a part in it. Fun and Fancy Free basically predates the Dreamworks formula by about fifty years. Food for thought, huh?

As for my summary of the individual segments, Bongo is perfectly fine. Not amazingly humorous or gorgeously animated, but not poorly scribbled out or annoying, at least for the most part. It’s middle of the road entertainment that I don’t have much to complain about or praise. The worst I can say is that it’s as padded as my high school brassiere. Mickey and the Beanstalk, though? Never fails to give me the nostalgic warm and fuzzies. It’s a big adventure with a boatful of lovable characters and great songs. By all means though, seek out the version that has Ludwig Von Drake narrating. It’s available on dvd, and last time I checked it’s on Netflix too. It even comes with some of my favorite Mickey shorts like “Mr. Mouse Steps Out” and “Brave Little Tailor”. I know I’m not the only one who feels some connection to this part of film; whereas nobody remembers or bothers to reference Bongo, even in Disney media, there’s one or two mentions of Mickey and the Beanstalk in the Disney parks, primarily in Fantasyland. Also, take a look at these stills from the Animaniacs parody of the fairytale and tell me it wasn’t influenced by the Disney one in any way.

Fun And Fancy Free performed decently at the box office, though it was overshadowed at the time by Walt Disney’s infamous testimony at the House of Un-American Activities Committee. Now it’s merely a footnote in Disney’s history. When interviewed about the film years later, the animators openly admitted they didn’t want to work on it. Even Walt barely had anything to say about it in his interviews and biographies. It was merely an assignment they had to do in order to keep the studio afloat, hold on to their jobs, and get their mascot Mickey back in a starring role (the last one he’d really hold until Mickey’s Christmas Carol in 1983). Truth be told, the making of Fun And Fancy Free, which was included on the original VHS and DVD release, is more interesting than the film itself as a whole.

But at the end of the day, do I dislike this movie?

No, not really. I can’t call it one of my favorites, yet there are things I like about it that I wish they were allowed to expand upon. It’s an uneven film that does the best it can to be simply light and entertaining like its title. And I guess that’s why people are quick to harp (ahem) on it. Disney is capable of making great art. But just because it can doesn’t mean we should diss it when they to do something lighter and fluffier. Sometimes you need that shallow, pleasant bit of pure escapism to bolster your spirits. Do you think the animation team would have been able to get by after Walt if they didn’t make The Aristocats? Or begin recovering from the failure from The Black Cauldron without The Great Mouse Detective (which I don’t think is merely shallow filler at all, but I’m saving my thoughts for the actual review of it). I admire Disney for being able to shift gears and go from deeper subject material to goofy comic fun when need be.

In other words, when watching this particular film, just repeat to yourself “It’s just a Disney movie, I should really just relax”.

Thank you for reading. If you like what you see and want more reviews, vote for what movie you want me to look at next by leaving it in the comments or emailing me at [email protected]. Remember, you can only vote once a month. The list of movies available to vote for are under “What’s On the Shelf”.

If you want to support me and totally not get swindled into buying magic beans, please consider supporting my Patreon. It’s completely optional, you can back out any time you choose, and it comes with perks like extra votes and adding movies of your choice for future reviews. Special thanks to Amelia Jones for her contribution!

And a VERY special thank you to The Three CommentEARS for their insightful and entertaining commentary on this film which helped influence and inform this review. I’ve done some commentaries with them in the past for Pinocchio and the extended anniversary edition of Pocahontas, and they know their Disney stuff. Please go and check them out!

Caricature by Brian Slatky, 2017

June Review: Fun and Fancy Free (1947) Sigh, poor package features, why does nobody like you? Why is it that internet reviewers and Disney critics and fans always seem to give you the shaft?

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