#and Im happy to see people like... acknowleding them

[gay-dorito-dust]

Hey! Can we get vergil leaving love letters and maybe small gifts for someone he really likes and eventually confesses after getting caught by dante leaving them and gets a pep talk from him ^_^

this is long, but i promise it goes somewhere.

Vergil felt he should be above this, standing outside just outside your door, love note held tightly between his fingers along with a pristine blue rose he had picked out earlier. This wasn't the first time he had found himself in this exact position -it was the fith time in fact- not that he was counting but it was ridiculous enough for him to remeber each and every time he slipped you a love note and a small meaningful gift.

The first time he claimed was coincidental, thinking nothing of the way he'd weave words of admiration and affection on a piece of paper, solely because he remebered how you found poetry to be the most beautiful form of expression of deeper emotions.

The second time Vergil felt that with the rough expression you worse upon your face for the day made him feel compelled to aquire a small plush of a blue bear with button eyes and nose, both coincidentally in the shape of a heart.

The third time Vergil found himself at your doorstep was because you were hurt on a mission and he felt anger, both at who hurt you and at himself for tursting you when you told him that you would be fine on your own, only for him to return and see you bleeding out as he worked quickly to rush you to medical aid within his arms. No one had ever seen Vergil look as dishevled and firghtened as he did as he held out your bleeding and broekn form in his arms, a demanding 'help them' escaping his lips as he watched over your healing journey excrutiatingly close, almost guard dog like.

The fourth time was when Vergil had soon come to realise that what he felt for you was more than what he could fully comprehend, more deeper, more raw than he original thought as him tolerating you more then most. It was the moment where Vergil realised that his vison of you was always inherently romatic in most of your interactions with one another, whether he was stopping himself from acknowleding it or not, but it didn't stop the factual truth was that vergil felt something deep towards you.

After reflecting upon the previous times he had given you something, a voice called out to him. 'Vergil?' A glance from the corner of his eye and Vergil could see that it was Dante and let out a disgruntled sigh.

'what.' He replied back sharply, this was the last thing he needed right now as if he knew his twin well as he knew his ownself, then he knew that Dante would use this againt him for his own convienience.

Dante shrugs as he leans against the wall, eyes flickering over the note and blue rose within his twin's hand, and then finally over at your door as the pieces came together before his eyes and soon enough he was looking at Vergil with a knowing smile. 'im not the one attempting a love confession at (name)'s doorstep in the middle of the night, how's that going by the way?' he asks as he could see clearly that Vergil wasn't in the mood in having the piss taken out of him, not that Dante was trying to take the piss, if anything he was happy that his brother had found someone he could be painfully human with.

'im doing no such thing.' Vergil spits out like venom but he knew it was fruitless, for despite the persona his brother puts up on a daily basis, Dante was extremely perceptive. 'i'm just-'

'Attemtping to confess to (name).' Dante cuts him off as he moves closer to Vergil despite the looks that he was giving him-skeptical and weary- as he then placed a hand on his shoulder, smiling. 'nobody stnads outside someone's door holding a love note and a blue rose and expect people to think it's anything but a love confession. im happy for you brother.' He adds as Vergil only narrowed his eyes further at him before looking down at the gidt he was going to leave for you to find in the morning.

'Happy for me? How is me confessing to (name) in anyway a potential benefit for you?' Vergil asks, casting his gaze towards your door as though he had expected you to be standing there, half asleep from being awoken by their conversation, but thankfully for you weren't for he'd rather not be futher humilated for his current predicament. It was almost enough for Vergil to let out a sigh of relief before remembering that his brother was still very much present next to him, and still very much had his hand on his shoulder.

'i'm just happy that (name) makes you feel so in love-'

'it's not love.' Vergil responds quickly, yet he knew he wasn't fooling Dante, he wasn't even fooling himslef anymore.

'it is. it is love because i still remeber how scared you were to loose them Vergil. I still remeber the look within your eyes, that primal look that took over you that even had me a little scared.' Dante let's out a lighthearted laugh before his face became sombre and serious. 'I even remeber seeing you hold their hand tightly within your own, fingers resting on the pulsepoint of their wrist, as though you were trying to reasure yourself that you wern't going to lpose another great love of your life.' Both brothers were silent for a moment or two as the memory washed over them.

For Vergil it was the helplessness and the fear of not knowing whether he had gotten to you in time, wanting to know your heart still worked, as his calloused hands clasped yours in desperation. For Dante it was seeing his brother so conflicted and torn with wanting revenge and wanting to stay near you, to prevent anything worse from happening should he stray too far from you. It was finally seeing the humanity shine through his brother, the very humanity he tried to hide and discard of, only for it to strenghthen tenfold when you were brought into harms way.

Dante could see the hesitence, the frustraition, the fright within his twins eyes, but he could also see that he was so close to getting Vergil to stop disappearing when dropping of your gifts and finally allow himself to be happy. He knew his brother hated being cornered nor confronted with emotions he's not familiar with, which often tends to him either lashing out or withdrawing himself in hopes that the feelings would go away, fade into obscurity.

And as cliche as it might be to admit but it only takes one moment to realise that while Vergil wants the human feelings to leave his heart, he's forced into a standstill on whether that is what he truly wants when you were put in a dangerous situaiton; which was clearly a no as Vergil became more protective over you ever since with how he acted like your second shadow at times.

'No one is standing in your way Vergil, only you and whether you are strong enough to cross the line into uncharted terratory.' Dante tells him, thankful when Vergil didn't go on the offensive like he usually did, as he continued. 'You have more then enough reason to withdraw yourslef but are you really willing to withdraw yourself from them, knowing that life would be far sweeter by their side? knowing that the internal battle within you wasn't for nothing?'

Vergil's eyes were firmly locked onto your door now as he allowed his twins words to sink in, for him to truly digest it as he weighed his pros and cons within his head, only to come to an anwser that would be benifical for the both of you in the form of a relationship. He would allow himself the forbiden fruit that was you, allow himself to be encased in your love and embrace, allowing himself to be happy as Dante heavily insited for him. For once in his life he had to thank his brother for being the voice of wisdom, the voice that pushed him to do the unimaginable, for being his brother when he needed him to be.

'leave.' Vergil said and Dante's smile fades from his lips.

'what?' he asked.

'i can't confess if your here observing us like were in a zoo enclosure.' Vergil explained and Dante -relieved- only ruffles his brothers hair and wishes him goodluck before leaving down the hallway, though he didn't stray too far in hopes of overhearing it all. Having watched his brother's back as he left, Vergil now felt a rush of confidence overcome him as instead of leaving his gifts as orignally planned, he instead knocked on your door and waited with what felt like infinity as the air left his lungs when it opened to reveal a half asleep you.

'Vergil?' you say with a voice full of sleep, rubbing your eyes and the first thing they noticed was the pristine blue rose that seemed to glow in the drak and the love note within his hands. Now you had noticed recently that you had a secrete admirer from the gifts you were given the past week, however you noticed a theme with the gfts in partiuclar as all of them would be the same shade of deep blue. The first person that popped into your mind upon seeing the colour was Vergil and how could it not? Blue was pretty much associated with him in more then his clothes and personality and you had to say it made him look all the more beautiful to you.

A small smile graced your lips as you were proven right, even if you did had some hesitance in beliving it's him given his adversion to anything remotely human, yet you weren't agaisnt being wrong in this moment as it was all you could even think of. 'So it was you. the gifts i mean.'

'yes it was me, i apologise if i am not the person you were expecting such a display from.' Vergil says, suddenly feeling that enclosed feeling within his chest, the need to dissapear as his grip on the note and rose tightned. You smiled softly as you reached for the note and the rose, gently prying them from his grip, your touch far gentler on Vergil's scarred and caloused hands as he could only watch as you hold them both to your chest as though they were the most precious things you ever recived; which Vergil found perposterous as you deserved more then what he could ever give you tenfold.

'Not at all,' you start, 'i was actually hoping it was you. so if anything im happy that it is you.'

Vergil's brows raised, unconvinced. 'your happy?'

'very.' you replied, smiling a little wider as you saw just how out of his element when it comes to confessions, it was almost cute in a way. 'very happy.'

Vergil felt as though a weight has been lifted off of his shoulders as well as his chest and found himself stepping towards you, placing his slightly chilled hands over your own, before resting his forhead gently against your own. The uncertain rage within his chest and mind had settled into a peaceful dormant period, bringing forth a moment of peace and serenity over him as the words seem to flow from his mouth more freely then they would've moments ago.

'im glad to hear words of certainty from your mouth, to know that my feelings aren't missplaced and unreciprocated.' Vergil began. 'for the past week i have been fighting my heart in being with you, having only ever viewed my human side a disgrace, an weakness to forever be concealed in favour of my demoic side that gifted me power beyond imagination. Yet now i crave a different form of power, love, unity and the mutal alinment of our souls, for the moment i was confronted with the idea that you too would slip from my grasp i decided to cling onto you tighter so that you may never slip from my grasp ever again. i will not allow it.' He finished, somehow feeling more lighter and at peace then before, it was an addictive feeling that he could naturally only assosiate with you.

'im not going anywhere Vergil, it's hard to be anywhere else when being by your side is where i want to be most.' You admitted as you felt Vergil's hands tighten their hold on yours in silent reassurance. 'i didn't say anything becuase i was sure it if was something you wanted, so i decided to lie in wait until you were ready to come to me on your own terms.' you finished as you tested the waters by kissing his nose, finding his little jolt at the affection adorable from the powerful half devil infront of you.

'you have me now my dear, you have me now until you tire of me.' Vergil replied, placing a featherlight kiss to your nose, mimicing your prior actions.

'i don't think i could tire of you Vergil, not when i have waited for you this long, so i plan on holding you tightly until forever fades away.' you confess as you and Vergil stayed in your position as though dedicating it to memory, using it as the starting point of which your relationship shifted for the good.

Dante, having watched the entire thing, wiped a tear from his eye as he could alredy see the shift in Vergil only you could bring out of him. 'It's your time to be happy Verg, it's your time to be happy.' he siad to himself as he actually decided to go to bed this time, his mind already planning on how he could tease his twin for being such a sappy romantic knowing he'll get stabbed. It'll be worth it though, it'll be all worth it.

[hyourinmaruice]

Glad Tumblr is finally accepting that para-social relationships are a thing

[weasleypogues]

written in the stars (f.w. au) pt. 3

thanks for supporting guys it means sosososoososos much!!!! i love this little fic sm so this is so much fun! this is the final part!!! again requests are open <3 

taglist:  @daddystevee @nojamsonmytoast @thebadassbitchqueen @hogwarts-babe

hope you enjoy!! xx :)

masterlist. part 1. part 2. 

unironically, you felt the need for a towel for a quick second because of the sweatiness of your palms. you were walking towards the gryffindor common room with malia, jada, and cedric. excitement and anxiety were bubbling inside of you the closer you got towards the party. 

“are you sure theres a party? it sounds quiet?” jada asked malia, somewhat nervously. she had her eyebrows furrowed and didn’t want to make the mistake of four random hufflepuffs walking into the gryffindor common room.

“yeah, i’m sure hermione granger put up some kind of charm to keep out the noise. plus, (y/n)’s soulmate confirmed it anyways.” malia responded, sending a playful wink your way. a smile crept onto your face and it would’ve been your wand that you grasped your hand around in excitement but instead it was the marble and slightly cold pen. 

“balderdash.” cedric spoke to the painting. the fat lady looked at him and rolled her eyes, acknowledging that he wasn’t a gryffindor but if she heard the password she would let him in. the fat lady made a mental note to change the password on her own terms. the portrait swung open and you walked through a slight haze as if someone turned on the heater and you could see it in the air. as you passed that hazy barrier, the bass of the music vibrated through your body. the lights were turned off but charmed bright red lights took it’s place and the room was crowded.

cedric and malia broke off to say hi to a couple of friends. you made your way over to ginny weasley with jada by your side and tapped her on the arm, eager to say hi to your friend. there was a time during the triwizard tournament that you got on the same boat as her to go to the second task. you watched as she scolded her two brothers for being too mean when trying to sell their pranking candy and chuckled. you hopped on the boat with jada and another roommate and she was shy but wanted to hop on as well.

“(y/n)! happy birthday!! im so happy to see you!” she exclaimed and didn’t hesitate to pull you into a hug. you returned the hug and had a small conversation with her. however, you felt somewhat bad when she started a conversation and you couldn’t help but let your eyes dart around the room, as if there would be a bright sign and an arrow pointing over someone’s head that read “(y/n)’s soulmate!”

ginny noticed your distracted eyes and caught your attention again, “looking for your soulmate?” she asked with a smirk and her eyebrows raised. you felt your cheeks get hot and nodded before letting out a deep breath.

“i think he’s in gryffindor. seems to be somewhat forgetful of the common room password.” you announced and she laughed, playfully rolling her eyes.

“i know way too many people like that in this house. you’d think people would learn by now.” ginny joked. her next sentence was cut off by the unison yelling of two redheaded boys standing on the table with two bottles of daisyroot drought. they both shook them very hard and popped off the caps, spraying the crowd below them as if it were champagne, leaving everyone soaked. most students opened their mouths or cheered along. you laughed and rolled your eyes playfully, pulling out your pen and writing on your arm.

will definitelyyyyy need a towel after the stunt the twins just pulled

you laughed to yourself and stuck the pen inside your pocket and glanced back up at the twins, ready for another shower of daisyroot drought. while george had a giant smile on his face, fred had the bottle in his right hand and was using a free pointer finger to lift up the sleeve of his shirt on his left arm.

you felt a lump in your throat and intently watched him read it. you grabbed jada’s arm next to you as you were frozen watching fred read the sentence to himself and smirking.

“jada.”

“what’s up?” she replied, a little loudly over the booming music. 

“fred weasley.” you said loud enough so she could hear but in a good enough volume that people may not look over. this, weirdly enough, didn’t include ginny.

“what about him? did he get too much drought in your eyes?” ginny joked and laughed, but her smile turned into her eyebrows furrowing as she stared at your shocked face.

your eyes were still upon fred who was deparately patting around his shirt and pants, trying to find the pen he realized he must’ve misplaced. he looked frazzled and hopped down from the table.

“is fred- you know?” jada replied, eager evident in her voice and her eyes basically sparkling for you.

“wait, fred is your soulmate?” ginny basically yelled and you covered her mouth with your hand to get her to shut up. if you were wrong, that would’ve just been embarrassing. 

“i think?” you said, chuckling and your shocked face soon came to the realizaiton of how happy you were. you couldn’t stop your fingers from tingling and bringing the hand that was once on ginny’s mouth, back to yours. ginny was beaming and wrapped her arms around you.

“ugh i hope so! my future sister in law!” she exclaimed and you laughed.

“don’t get too excited, i haven’t confirmed it yet.” you reminded her, your face feeling hot at the thought of marrying fred weasley.

“let me go ask him for you!” ginny said, basically on her way to confront her older brother. you grabbed her arms, your eyes wide and shook your head.

“don’t! because if it isn’t and you ask him about it, that would be so embarrassing.” you stated, worry filling up the tone of your voice. you saw george getting down from the table acknowleding the disappearence of his brother and spotted some fellow gryffindors to talk to. although, you couldn’t spot fred.

“no, (y/n), you don’t understand! it makes sense! he mentioned to george today that he just started talking to his soulmate!” ginny reassured you and grabbed ron’s arm as he was innocently passing by.

“bloody hell, ginny! do something about those claws of yours!” ron whined and exasperated, glaring at his little sister.

“(y/n) is fred’s soulmate!” she said, her smile emitting towards his direction and his annoyed face turned into shock.

“wait! we aren’t totally sure yet!” you said, your heart rate increasing at the fact that at this rate, ginny would tell the entire weasley lineage before you could confirm it with fred himself.

“go up to him now! i don’t know how much longer i can hear of him talking about not knowing his soulmate, five months of talking everyone’s ears off. worst case scenario, he’s not.” ron said, basically screaming over the loud music. you laughed in response but took what he said in, everything was really making sense.

“what are you guys up to?” you heard a deep and familar voice ask from beside you. you looked up and your heart dropped for a second but slowly fluttered up as you identified that the man infront of you wasn’t fred, but george. you admired the similarity in features for a second before ron’s voice snapped you out of it.

“(y/n) is fred’s soulmate!” ron exclaimed and your hands lifted to your face in stress in an instant.

“merlin’s beard, are all the weasley’s this terrible at keeping secrets?” you inquired, your face going hot, for what felt like the 100th time since coming into the common room. ron’s face looked sheepish but you felt george’s eyes on you.

“are you serious? thank god, he never stops talking about you! let me get him, he can’t find his pen!” george said but you grabbed his arm before he could go on his journey to find his frazzled twin looking for his pen. you let out a stressed breath and paused.

“wait, he talks about me?” you asked, a gleam of hope sparkled in your eye. george smiled and rolled his eyes, “yeah, i never hear the end of it.”

your nerves felt calmer and you looked around. “fuck it, i’m going to look for him.” you stated, feeling a sudden gryffindor courage. fred’s siblings all had similar happy expressions and you chuckled, realizing fred didn’t only have an identical twin but basically an identical family. you glanced at jada and she gave you a thumbs up before you took off. 

it didn’t take long to find fred, seeing as he was above six foot and had vibrant hair. you saw him rummaging in open spots of the common room and under pillows and chairs. “lost something?” you asked, trying to sound unknowing. 

he glanced up immediately at the sound of your voice and a smile formed on his face at the sight of you. “to your surprise, i actually enjoy spending my time organizing furniture and making sure it looks up to par.”

you laughed at his joke and rolled your eyes, feeling as if your heart was going to beat out of your chest. “here, take my pen since you lost yours.”

fred reached out to grab it for a second before putting it together, “how did you know i lost my pen?” 

“kind of put it together that you could be a forgetful person. first the gryffindor common room password, than your pen...you have a track record, weasley.”

a smirk formed on his face and he was putting the pieces together. the smirk soon transformed into a softer smile and a sparkle shone in his eye at the sight of you. you drew a tiny heart on your wrist to see if it would show up on his, to prove your theory right. you saw glitter light from his wrist and your eyes met.

“i guess that settles the mystery.” fred stated, a giant smile on his face as the black ink disappeared from both of your wrists. “can i?” he asked.

he walked towards you slightly learning in before you smiled and nodded. he let his hands make their way to cup your face and pulled you in for a kiss. you felt yourself slightly on your tippy-toes and let yours hands make their way to his torso, deepening the kiss. you suddenly heard cheering and the both of you pulled away, calmer than before. you glanced over at the sound and saw cedric, jada, malia, the weaselys, and most of their friends cheering and clapping, excited for the two of you. 

your face went hot and you got slightly embarrassed at all the attention before letting your head burrow into fred’s chest, laughing. you felt his body vibrating at he laughed too, wrapping his arms around your head and pulling you somehow closer to his body warmth. 

“i knew it would be you.” fred whispered into your ear before planting another kiss on the top of your head. 

“it was written in the stars.” you responded with before leaning in for another kiss.

[the-little-red-noodle]

10/11/18 7:47

okay, lets talk. 

Ive had an emotional 24 hours. I’ve been anxious, i’ve been insecure, i’ve been angry and sad and hurt and manic and crazy and i need to get it out so i can fucking cleanse and move into my weekend.

It started with spencer, what like, 2 nights ago now? i dont remember when it was, but i was getting insecure and noticing how i was affecting him. it was yesterday, cuz it was wednesday. i was insecure and didnt want him to leave my room and i think i really stressed him out because i just wanted him to stay and say the things i wanted to hear, but that isnt reality. he cant read my mind, he cant know what i need to hear, thats why i need to communicate and not just suck into myself and away from him, but i didnt want to do that because i didnt want to be crazy, but then i got crazy and i made him kinda late because he dropped by at 3:30 and only expected to stay till 4 but he left at 6:27 as i needed to go to my 6:30 lab.. so i feel bad but i just agh i couldnt let him leave when i didnt feel good..

i didnt feel good because we talked about politics. he got me going on the wage gap, so i got heated talking about the misconceptions and he was (respectfully) arguing with me because he is suuupperrrr super liberal, very very left, very socialist, and he’s a politics major, so he’s well versed and i get that going in, but i also wanted to share my side because im fairly moderate; i dont believe in a lot of feminist rhetoric, or the wage gap stuff. i read the study, and it bothers me that people misuse the statistics to say that women get paid less for the same job, because that is NOT what the study found. The point was that women take different kinds of jobs than men and tend to work less hours and have less education and qualifications. THAT is the ‘feminist’ issue, not paying women less for the same job because thats illegal and cant happen. 

Heres the thing. I know there are sexist issues in our society. i know that it is harder for women than it is for men. but frankly, i feel better ignoring it as much as i can. i feel like if we keep telling women than they shouldnt be scientists because its a man job, or that society tells women that they need a leg up, because then we start believing it and internalizing and thinking we are less than men. i feel like if we just stopped talking about it, i wouldnt know that there was a gender discrepancy and id feel totally normal getting into stem. i dont want to feel like im some anomaly. and frankly yes, i notice sometimes. i notice the gender divide in stem. of fucking course i see it. i know that there are men in my neuroscience lab who think i dont know shit. im not blind, i know the STEM field is misogynistic. i know it is. but i dont like to subscribe to the feminist thing that im so held down and its because im a woman. but thats just me

anyway, my babe is very liberal and he was listening of course but also making sure i knew that the problems im ignoring are still there, which i appreciate but i also get kinda irritated with hyper liberal men because it sounds kinda guilty? like listening to a straight white man say that straight white men are the problem, annoys me. like yes thats true, but also ugh its annoying. i hate the men shame that feminism encourages.

so we kinda went back and forth for a while, which like, good that we can have real conversations, and politics is something that will inevitably come up, but as the conversation went on, i started getting insecure and anxious because confrontation scares me. not that he was really even confronting me? like spencer is such a sweet man, he’s gentle and kind and supportive and so sweet to me, and i know politics is literally his thing, and im glad that he’s super liberal as opposed to the other end. cuz like ya i am a queer woman and im glad that he seems like a strong advocate for minority groups like that, so like im glad, but i also started to feel like he was frustrated with me for like being ill informed.

 heres the thang tho, im not really ill informed. ive done my research, i watch the news, and im a big fan of shoe0nhead which admittedly is very moderate bias media, but its content i agree with. and i was telling him that im fairly moderate, and he was like ya i can tell, and i was like and politics isnt really my thing, and he was like ya i can tell. but i didnt mean that like i didnt understand politics, i meant it as like i try not to really get into the conversation (partially because of sarah lawrence)

no wait i did tell him that. i told him how involved i was in social justice stuff in new york, that i literally led the anti Trump protest in NYC after he was elected. and when i told him that, he got all dreamy eyed like it was so attractive that his girlfriend was an activist, which is cute n whatever, cuz everything he does is cute..

the point is, that after this conversation i was insecure because i felt like he would be mad at me (he wasn’t) or that he would hate me (he doesn’t). and i know that logically of course, but still... ugh idk, the conversation just got me riled up and then he had to leave town for the whole weekend and i was feeling like we wouldnt have enough time to resolve it

but he kept saying everything was fine, that he wasn’t mad, that he might disagree, but still loves me duh. and i know he meant it, but u know when you get in your head and youre like shit i said too much, and now he will never look at me the same because we slightly disagree about politics, like my moms dating a republican and they reallllyyy disagree on politics, like i will be fine! whats yer issue self?

but ya so i just felt insecure, and i know he was trying to comfort me even tho i didnt let on thaaat much that i was hurting. i feel like when people i love get confrontational with me (which again, he wasn’t) i get upset and my heart feels heavy and it hurts and i want them to leave and i would have just ended our hangout because we both had places to be and whatever we’ll deal with it later, but i knew he was leaving tonight and was gunna be busy and we couldnt deal with it so i was scared and when my attachment feels insecure, i get SO insecure. hahahaaaa i was thinking this relationship would be any different? gurl.

but heres the thing, he is.. he’s fine. he doesnt think anything is wrong and he’s still my sweet pea boyfriend. and i know that now, because i did get to say goodbye in a good re-establishing way tonight.

i knew he was leaving after his class at 6:30 tonight and i was nervous because i knew he was gunna be busy with packing up and everything.

i ran into him walking to class and we were fine and kissy and cute and i love him but as we were parting i was like can i say goodbye before you leave, but i dont think he heard me cuz he didnt really respond because we were diverging and he was giving me his sweet boy eyes with an outstretched arm as we parted and i was like shit im still insecurrrreeee

so i texted him during the first class like “hey i meant cant i say goodbye before you hit the road but sounds like yer gunna be busy so have a great weekend baby i love you!” and i meant it, i wanted to end on a good note but then he didnt respond all day, and my anxiety was mounting and i spent the rest of today in my room doing nothing but stressing about him. stressing about a boy, nothing new for me.

but eventually i got really tired and took a real nap, i had accepted that i wouldnt see him again.. sad.. i woke up at like 7:15 and i was like hmm let me see if his car is still here, ya know, cuz im crazy. i went downstairs to fill up my water bottle and his car was still in the parking lot. so ya know, i text him, cuz im crazy. and i was like drive safe babe <3 and then as i got back to my room there he was outside my door with bags in his arm to pack up his car and i was so effing relieved to see him. we hugged and kissed and he seemed genuinely happy to see me and i was so happy to get to have a moment with him before he left.

i walked him down to his car, and filled up his water bottle for him and once everything was in his car, he just kissed me.. and i know im a hopeless romantic, but i was so happy to just kiss him and feel his lips smiling and feel his arms around me and hear him giggle and be adorable.. 

my heart still hurts, but it’s different now. my heart hurts because I miss him. i already miss him even though he only just left. he’ll be gone until monday night and i might not even see him then because he’ll be exhausted, which is fair. but now im sad because ill just miss him. i know he’ll be camping and among friends and nerding out on his larping camp vacation is fresno. of course ill miss him.. because i love him..

as we were kissing by his car i was like be safe (cuz his larping thing is basically nerd war with foam weapons) and he was like “yeah i will, cant wait to see you when i get back”, and i was like yeah babe ill be here to patch you back together when you get back, and he kinda laughed at me and was like “i dont think that’ll be your intention when i get back” implying that ill probably just want to rough him up immediately when i see him like i usually do. which made me really really happy to hear cuz it was like acknowleding that everythings still good and we’re still crazy about each other and we’ll just want to fuck as soon as he’s home which is sweet to me, like to me thats such a sweet sentiment. and i just got so happy that he in his own way reminded me that like we’re still on a good track, and we’re still happy, and he still loves me, ya know?

and also as we were hugging and kissing i started scratching his back how he likes and he sorta moaned and was like “ugh im really gunna miss this.. like im gunna miss you of course, but im gunna miss your back scratches” and that made me happy.. 

he just makes me happy.. i really love him and i’m really grateful that i got to have this brief reconnection with him before he left town till monday.. 4 days without him is gunna suck, but i know he’s gunna be busy and probably not have service and be off the grid so we won’t talk unless he reaches out. but i will manage. he managed for 4 days while i was camping, so i can manage while he is nerd camping

omigod that reminds me how much i love him, again. he’s nerd camping. ugh i adore him

he was like babe you gotta come next time so we can get drunk and fight together and he was all smiley like he really wants to show me off at his nerd event which is so sweet.. and as he walked me back to the dorm entrance cuz i forgot my key, he called me his girlfriend, and even though its small, its something.. i’ll take it. 

i needed that brief little reconnection. the next 4 days i will have to detox. i have events planned like every day, so i’ll be fine. im gunna see my friends tomorrow and saturday night and i have chapter on sunday and should probably spend some time alone writing and detoxing and getting back to myself and feeling independent. 

i want time to shower and braid my hair and brush my teeth and feed my body good food and watch youtube and write. i need to stay writing. i need to keep journaling because i know how much it helps me. i need to get my emotions out and analyze why the things that upset me get to me. whats the root of the problem and how to get through it. i need that.

i was and still am so frustrated with myself that i got so insecure over one political conversation with spencer. like... thats a problem, ya know? 

and at least now that he’s out of town for the whole weekend, i dont really have an excuse for being anxious about seeing him? cuz he just drops by and i never know when cuz he doesnt text me first. like literally tonight as we were kissing outside my room he was like i came by earlier but you werent home, and i was like oh shit i was taking a nap and i slept through him coming to visit me :(( which is like oh my god that would have been so sad if i didnt get to see him on his way out because i was literally asleep! 

his dropping by, while its the cutest ever because it just like him wanting to see me, its also kind of stressful because i never know when its gunna happen, so whenever im home, im kind of anxious because he could drop in at any second, and of course i get happy when he does because then i get to see my baby, but alsoooooo it means i cant really indulge in my personal space because it could be interupted at any moment, and as i found out tonight, i cant take naps because then i could miss him :(

thats probably something we should discuss at some point, because it creates anxiety for me that is related to spencer, and i want to eliminate any bad vibes from my relationship

relationship.. he’s my boyfriend.. ohmigod wuuuuuuut im still shocked that he wanted to boo me up this much.. he’s so sweet and cute and nerdy ugh

i love him.. i need to get over this dumb insecurity that comes from mild confrontation? that wasnt even confrontation??

so lets remember the things to look forward to about this relationship

he loves me. he claims me proudly as his girlfriend. he wants to bring me to belegarth events, even this day one in san diego where he’d bring me home and introduce me to his home friends which is pretty huge.. he’s sweet, he likes spending time with me and he drops by frequently and stays for hours.. we’re good, and i know i sound crazy needing to convince myself, but thats because i dont want to bug him to validate me, especially not when he has this big event that he’s so excited for. and i want him to be excited for his event and feel secure with me, because of course i love him and want to be with him.

10:53pm i keep taking breaks from the journaling, i get distracted really easy, watching youtube and texting people.. trying to be social, its hard for me. also trying to bury my spencer texts, just cuz i know im crazy and i want to try to not think about him..

do i go walk down to the cooler to get food? or should i just subside on whatevers in my fridge.. also i really should fill up my tank.. and calculate the gas so my friends can reimburse me.. sigh

anyway, i think im feeling mostly better after yesterday. like obviously im still gunna think about it, and ill always worry if spencers as invested as me, but i gotta take it with the context that he was the one who pursued me and crushed on me from day one and wanted to date me and wanted to be exclusive with me and wanted to call me his girlfriend.. he says he loves me and he comes to visit me all the time and spends his free time with me.. he’s a sweet pea and i shouldnt be insecure about it

and not to be cryptic, but what am i even worried about? part of me was reluctant to even get into a relationship, and was supposed to be single and focusing on myself and if anything, dating women. i accidentally caught feels for an amazingly sweet nerd man, and believe me im happy about it. i love spending time with spencer and loving on him. but to be cryptic for just a second.. worst case scenario? he’s just not interested anymore and we break up. sooo? ya that would suck, and i would be heartbroken, but i would also be okay because i have good friends and the whole point of breaking up with ryan was to be single.. so..

anyway, i should probably wrap up this journal entry cuz its long and all over the place

omigod he just texted me

aww he’s letting me know that he got to his thing safely and he loves me

seeee he’s a sweet bean, yall are fine, can you chill now? he’s so into you and you dont need to be insecure about this right now

and wow i sound crazy writing this much, i’ve literally been writing for hours. i know i need to journal more, and this is literally just stream of consciousness for hours and hours.. alright, ima end here and do hw maybe..

stay grateful. stay happy. life is good, you are blessed. friends are good. boyfriend is good. school is good for now kinda haha but i need to stay positive! yes i have bad days, yes i have low points, yes i get insecure and sad and upset and lonely. but i am so very lucky to be alive and to be surrounded by support and love and to feel and give love freely. i am lucky to have found friends i can trust. i am lucky to still have my close friends from beyond this year of oxy. i am beyond lucky to have an incredible man in my life. and also its halloween season which means lots of fun family stuff and so many fun parties on and off campus and looking forward to showing off my jessica rabbit costume and seeing spencers cowboy beebop costume and just drooling over each other ^-^ 

it is going to be a great rest of this month, and after this is november, which means thanksgiving and family stuff, and better fall weather hopefully and that means getting spencer to wear more sweaters.. mmmph and then after that is december which means holiday season, and more family stuff, and of course, finding a time to see spencer and be cozy and watch christmas movies and again, get him into more sweaters.. mmmmmmmph yes babe

there is so much to look forward to!! events and planning christmas presents for people omigod im gunna start that note on my phone, theres so much to do!! cuz i also have so many new great friends for this holiday season which means more presents for people which im always excited about :) and getting to watch my puppy grow up and see my family and take in the quality time together <3 

i am loved. i am blessed. i am grateful. i want to spread love and positive vibes and happiness and love! so much love :)

okay. that’s all for tonight. shower, brush teeth, go to sleep. take care of yourself. LOVE