#and by funny i mean. a bit annoying. tumblr algorithm's like that though

[unrestrainedbalderdash]

It's kind of funny that Tumblr hasn't shown me any of the recent bot posts in the ace tag, but it is constantly showing me posts complaining about all the bots in the ace tag

[cosmickid-inmotion]

"If I'm Being Honest" Lie #1: "I don't like you."

An Omegaverse/romcom enemies to lovers idiots in love slowburn found family type shit. graphic design is my passion themed header is a little more intional this time but lord knows i can't edit XD

Alpha!Logan Howlett x fem!reader

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Summary: If Logan is being honest, he didn't like you. If you were being honest, you didn't either. But, if you were both being honest, you were exactly what you needed.

Warnings: Currently nothing? Will update as I go, but everyone's canon trauma is liable to be discussed.

A/n: I have built a reputation on here for series that are very serious, that deal with themes of severe depression, sexual assault, abuse, etc. I wanted to try my hand at something new, something lighthearted. the Omegaverse stuff won't have a HUGE part in it, it's just another aspect I wanted to add. As i wrote it, I realized it has a romcom vibe, so that's what I'm leaning into. I want to have fun with this! i write so much heavy stuff, a little change is nice. thank you so much to @xdaddysprincessxx for encouraging me to venture out, ily.

1.7k words

Reblogs are the only way to really spread works here, tumblr does not have an algorithm. Every single like is loved and appreciated, comments mean the whole world and keep me writing, but reblogs are how we share on here and create community.

Support artists, reblog works.

Multiple alternating POVs

***

If Logan was being honest, in the moment he just wanted to fuck you. Years later, to other more romantic types like Remy or Kurt, he would say it was love at first sight. He wouldn't say you were being a bit of a cunt, and the comment on his hair was unnecessary.

If you were being honest, wanted him to leave you alone, and were thankful he did. Later, to Remy and Kurt, you would say that you secretly wished he’d try again, although Logan wasn’t the type to linger where he wasn’t wanted. You say it was love at first sight, although if you were being honest, you thought his leather jacket was too wanna be James Dean, and his hair looked stupid. 

When Logan saw you in that bar, the bit-too crowded one that was the only spot he could go to where they didn’t recognize him from the mutant school 50 miles away, he thought, Well, she’ll do.

Jean had chosen Scott, and Logan wasn’t going to just sit around the mansion moping all day. Even if he still harboured feelings, he wanted her to be happy, and frankly, he wanted Scott to be too. He wasn’t a bad guy, he was just married to the woman Logan loved. And was rather annoying. But again, not bad. 

Logan just needed a nice, wet hole to sink into, and you were more than attractive enough for his tastes. Stunning, even, and just a little bit terrifying. You were a beta; he could smell the lack of alpha or omega pheromones, and you were devoid of either. All the better, omegas were so… clingy.

You, on the other hand, cursed yourself when you accidentally caught his eyes. Great. You think to yourself. Now he probably thinks you’re staring.

You weren’t! Not at that moment, anyway. If you were being honest, after he took the hint and went on his way, you did take a few glances for the ole spank bank. No harm no foul.

“Hey.” The man said as he leaned against the bar counter, and you snort through your nose.

“Really? That's the best you got?” You make a twirling motion with your finger. “Turn around, try again.”

He makes a funny face, but turns around anyway. When he faces you again, he doesn’t lean on the counter but rather takes a seat. “Uh. Hello?”

You facepalm, laughing. “This isn’t gonna work.”

The man takes the laughter in stride. “Yeah, not my best work. Can I at least buy you a drink?”

Another weak move. “You can, but I’m not gonna sleep with you.”

Not deterred, he buys the next round. “Name’s James.” He gave you his hands and waited expectantly, but even though you shook it you dodged the name question hanging in the air. 

“Sorry, buddy, I swore off Jimmy’s about 2 Jimmy’s ago.”

A slight frown, but nothing that seemed to indicate trouble. “Luckily, I’m not a Jimmy, I’m a James.”

“Okay.” You spoke almost patronizingly. “Never met a James that wore kitty ears, but okay.”

James looked like he was stewing on something, opened his mouth to retort an insult, but thought better of it. He attempted to smooth back the curls, but it didn’t work. He mumbled something about a cowlick before looking back at you as you laughed.

“You’re not playfully teasing me, are you?” it wasn’t a question.

“Nah, honey. I’m making fun of you.”

“Welp.” He slaps his hands on the bar counter, sitting up. It wasn’t an aggressive move, he meant it playful himself, but it still made you startle. “I can see where I’m not wanted. Keep the drink, sweetheart.” He winked, and left you alone.

Fuck, his pants were tight.

Logan moved on to talking up some girl that actually seemed interested, but if he were being honest, and he’d never admit this, but he kept looking back to you. As much as he wanted to get his dick wet and this new girl was pretty, he couldn’t get his mind off you. Logan was not rejected often. It wasn’t that his ego was bruised, okay maybe a little, but you were just so interesting. His senses were telling him he needed to notice something about you, but not trouble. He didn’t know what that meant, but the next time he looked over he saw a man making his move on you.

Good luck, bub. He thought to himself, then looked back at the cute girl. She seemed flexible. An omega, which meant he’d probably have to make an escape while she was sleeping, but she’d be eager to please. Oh yeah, this was gonna be a good-

*CRASH!*

Annnnnnd there it was. Can’t have nothing nice. He stepped in front of the blonde, what was her name again?, and looked to scout out the situation just in time to see you clock a man in the jaw hard enough to send him back. Good job there, girlie. Logan didn’t want trouble, and you seemed to be handling it so he didn’t step in just yet… but out of nowhere came the guy's friend with a barstool and clocked it over your head.

“Hey!” Logan shouted, distracting the man enough as he was about to kick you a third time in the face. Just as he dove and took him down, Logan heard the crowd gasp. After knocking the buddy out, Logan looked up to see if the first man wanted a piece of him next, only to see him staring in shock.

You were blue. Your skin, your hair, and the sliver of your eyes he could see, all blue. 

“MUTANT!” The fucking hillbilly shouts, and Logan isn’t an idiot. There’s trouble coming.

Without thinking, he scoops up your limp body and dashes you outside as men gather like an old timey mod.

He places you on the front of his bike, one strong arm holds you up and kicks the stand of the bike. Back to the mansion.

Another goddamn stray. Can’t keep them off me.

The gates opened as his bike rode up the twisted roads over half an hour later. Good thing the bike was registered to Scott, because if he got clocked speeding, it was bordering on reckless driving. 

Despite being in a hurry, Logan made sure to kick the stand up after riding the bike right up to the steps. He didn’t want the engine flooded. Then whose bike would he steal?

Bursting into the entrance, he finds Scott in a blue and yellow button down PJ set, sleep mask on and arms crossed. “You have GOT to stop-” Then Scott see’s you, passed out, bloody faced, and blue bodied, and senses the urgency.

He grabs Logan, shoving him to get to the medbay ASAP. Logan could run much fastert than Scott, even with your weight, but Scott was behind him. “JEEAANNN!”. The yelling was more to get it out in his mind, no doubt communicating with her in there to get to the bed medbay, which was near their bedroom.

By the time Logan got there, Jean was already setting up. She was in a robe, forest green and silky, something Scott probably got for her, the thoughtful fuck. Annoyingly, it was long, covering up those legs. That was also probably intensional on Scott’s part. Jean was in boxers. Probably Scotts, and she liked to sleep in skimpy cami’s. On second thought, the gift was probably more Scott keeping her wrapped up considering how many times Jean gets called to the med bay in the middle of the night.

“Tell me everything you know.”

Logan half panicked. He didn’t actually know anything. “I don’t really know. I talked to her briefly at the bar but that’s it.”

Green eyes flashed up at him, then back down. Jean knew what he was doing. “Did you sleep with her yet?”

He didn’t really know why THAT was relevant. 

“No, she rejected me too.” Well, that was a bit bitter. Logan corrected himself. Not the time. “Uh, fuck, she’s a mutant.”

Jean stopped, then dropped her shoulders as she deadpanned. “I couldn’t tell.” She could get a little snarky when under stress, so Logan let that roll off his back and she hooked you up to some monitors.

“She got into a bar fight, one guy hit her over the head with a stool, that's when she blacked out. Another kicked her face before I got there. One to the nose, one to the forehead.”

Jean nodded, this was the information she needed. 

“Steal toed books by the looks of it, got her pretty good. Anything else?”

“She turned blue a little after passing out, and she’s a beta.”

She placed her hands over the woman's body. “She probably can hide her mutation if she’s conscious about it. Knocking her out took away that defense.”

Just then, Scott entered the room, finally catching up. You’d think with those long legs he’d be faster, but running isn't his strong suit. “How is she?”

“Stable, but I need one of you to put the gauze on her head, she’s still bleeding.” Scott found the materials needed and applied gentle pressure. “Heart rate is good, but she’s unconscious still. Logan how long has it been?”

“45 minutes maybe?”

She swears under her breath. “Well, that’s not great. Let me get into her head.” After a few minutes, she relaxes a little bit. “Okay. Not traumatic brain injury. It’s a moderate concussion. She’ll need some rest but she’ll be okay, it seems.”

“Any sign of a healing factor?” Scott asks, but Jean shakes her head.

“If it is, it’s nothing like yours,” She nods to Logan. “or even Remy. Or like Remy, she needs to be conscious about it.” Jean put down her hands. “There’s not much I can do right now. It’s best to let her wake up naturally, unless this goes longer than a day. I’ll keep monitering-”

Your eyes flashed open, blue and glowing lightly, gasping a little for breath. When you saw Logan and Scott of one side of the bed, the confusion grew to panic. “Shit!” You try to roll off the bed, away from them, but are either too out of it still or too tied up in monitors to make it far. You fall, and Jean catches you. Logan moved to go to you, but Scott held him back. Logan didn’t know why

“Hey, hey it’s alright, you’re safe here.” You calm more after seeing her, letting Jean sit you down.

When you look up at Scott and Logan again, you lock eyes with the older man. To their surprise, you roll your eyes, “Oh great. This fucking guy again.”

If Logan was being honest, he didn’t like you very much.

**********

thank you so so much for giving this a chance!!!I had a lot of fun writig this, which isn't something ive said a lot lately.

I originally was on my drive back from my parents like "i wanna write omegaverse" it was originally gonna be a lot more serious, but as i was planning and thinking it just ended up having a sillier vibe.

It will still have more serious themes here and there, but nothing like what i usually do. Im very nervous. The most lighthearted series ive ever done was the DBF joel series but that was more a series of one shots. And awakening was goofy and silly sometimes but was also pretty heavily about the beauty of coming out later in life, finding yourself, exploring sexuality, and deep trust.

This fic is playing on the rom com vibes. Idiots in love. Enemies to lovers. I hope you guys like it. Prinny says she think it'll be good for me to have something lighter, considering how much dark fics and dark themes i do.

I know I was talking about the series with my OC sadie summers and logan and thats still in the works, but there were some kinks i needed to work out that I havn't yet before i can go foreward. Fen and I are almost done with IYWBW, and when that done ill start on the benny miller x oc series for the final installment of Leather and lace universe!!!

and eventually, EVENTUALLY i will get that final chapter of ROF done. its just HARD (like my dick)

peace and love girlies (gn)

if you want to be added to my general logan content, check out the taglist linked above, but if you want to be added to this series, comment below!

@my-secret-shame-but-fanfiction @dis-plus-fanfic-reblog-writes @miraclesabound

[bokkiewokkie]

So I've got the opposite perspective here, having only really used Tumblr as social media and not really looking at Cohost all that much, it's important to remember that Cohost was a way newer platform than Tumblr. They've also developed a lot differently than Tumblr has over their lifetime, mostly referring to the fact Cohost staff chose to shut down when their source of funding dried up. Tumblr did not do this, and instead chose to try and make this hellsite profitable (going as far as to state they want to "make Tumblr the new PDF", whatever that means). This is the main reason they banned NSFW content, because it would have been unsuitable for advertisers. Regardless, these are my thoughts about the points you made, and most of them just revolve around how and why Tumblr operates the way it does:

It does have numbers, but as you explore the site you will observe that more people seem to be upset or surprised when those actually go up. "Breaching containment" is the term used for people outside of the intended audience (which is usually just your mutuals or a specific fandom) reblogging a post. Of course you can still chase high numbers on your posts like on other social media, but you will probably notice that posting on Tumblr will often just not get you very many notes as a baseline.

You can see when someone interacts with your posts, in any way. That's a lot of fun when you see your mutuals reblogging or liking a post, and maybe leaving an addition. I don't know what your specific concern with it is, but knowing people enjoy your posts is usually a fun thing! The weight of this feature has lowered somewhat, though. Reblogging posts used to be more common (I think) compared to how often things are just liked nowadays. Because reblogs let people add their own additions, it makes them a bit more interesting and thoughtful (on top of obviously also sharing the post).

These push notifications are the reason why breaching containment is so funny. There are some great videos of people's phones getting spam-notified because one of their posts went viral. You can obviously turn them off if it's actually annoying, and can even turn off reblogs or replies on your post if you don't want it to be shared at all.

The ask system is a lot more robust, because it's pretty much the original. Sending asks is a major feature which a lot of fun things are built around (think of ask blogs where people reply in character, for example).

Tumblr lets you style your posts yourself, you can write a title in big bold letters if you feel like it, or just wing it. You can refer to the point about using html to see more about styling too. They even have a keep reading header that stops the post from being gigantic and taking up space when someone gets it on their dashboard, which you can choose to put at a specific place, too. If you really want to go wild with it. You can also style your own blog's page, which has a lot of freedom in how to layout your blog outside of posts themselves.

There is not really an algorithm on Tumblr either. Well, there is an algorithm in the for you feed. But most users just use the following or your tags pages to see the actual content they follow! You can disable all of the other "suggestion" features which are algorithmic in your settings as well, which I recommend. This is the way tumblr is most commonly used.

You can style your posts with a lot of different features! When you make a post, you can select the text editor in the gear wheel on the top right! This will let you change to html or markdown formatting as well. Colors can also be changed into whatever you want with that! (here is a link to a tool that lets you format html gradient text for tumblr posts)

As mentioned before, nsfw content is mostly banned (to the dismay of many of the actual users) because of marketing reasons. Though recently the rules have gotten slightly more lax in this regard (mostly because they got sued for their moderation targeting queer people unfairly (you can read in the next point how well that worked out)).

Tumblr does like to claim to be the queerest place on the internet, but just like many other places, the staff and shareholders aren't exactly the most in touch with their users. Even now, a lot of employees at Automattic (the company that owns Tumblr) are being laid off (16% as of April 2nd) as they keep running what is essentially still a site that does not generate a lot of profit (if any), which doesn't help review support tickets (there have reportedly been cases of haters just mass reporting accounts to get them off the platform, and people coming back to make a new account if their tickets are denied are then obviously flagged for ban evasion). I think the problem of rising anti-queer sentiments is still mostly a societal one in the end. Tumblr also uses algorithms to detect "rule-violating posts" (usually meaning nsfw or hateful ones (though a lot of people still get away with hateful things that can easily be matched for)), which have also been noted to hit a lot of false positives on queer content and resulted in the aforementioned lawsuit.

Tumblr does have at least one mascot, it's the t with eyes and sometimes hands, but I think most people agree it's kinda lame.

In the end I don't disagree Cohost had a cool thing going. But its shutdown did expose a fundamental problem with websites like these, being that you cannot really make a profit off of people talking and posting to each other online. And running a website without enough money to keep the servers online is pretty hard.

I hope you still enjoy using tumblr, though. It's a fun place to share art to me, and to just build silly things together through reblogs when the opportunity arises.

differences ive noticed between tumblr and cohost so far:

tumblr has numbers, like most social media sites, for almost every aspect of it. notifications, likes, reblogs, comments, followers, following, etc. cohost only had numbers for notifications (opt-in) and number of comments. the rest had nothing indicating a number, not even for the original poster.

tumblr has notifications for many actions, including "<person> liked a post you shared" and others. it seems you can turn them off but the fact tumblr has them in the first place is concerning. cohost, by design, had very limited notification scope. when someone rechosted your chost with added text, you only got one notification: that someone rechosted it. you won't know the likes and rechosts of it. you also didn't get mention notifications.

tumblr also offers push notifications on their mobile app, while cohost never offered notifications (and was purely a web app that could masquerade as a mobile app).

tumblr's ask system (which cohost's was based off of) is a LOT more robust. private ask answers, the option to allow media in your received asks, etc. the only leg-up cohost seemed to have was the option to allow for asks from logged-out accounts. cohost also allowed for media in asks until the feature was abused and it was globally turned off.

cohost's post format had an unstyled title that could be up to 240* characters long, and a post body that could be styled however you want. tumblr does not seem to have this title system, other than the "biggest" text style option.

cohost never had an algorithm for showing you chosts. it was reverse chronological only. the only system they had for a global feed is the #The Cohost Global Feed tag, and it was still only reverse chronological. tumblr has a For You page, with recommended posts that your mutuals liked or have many notes, but it seems to have a Following feed that's reverse chronological as well?

cohost had mostly unrestricted html and css (as long as it was inline)* as well as some basic markdown support. tumblr seems to just have a few fonts, some colors, and pretty much the same range of basic text styling.

cohost was very sex positive and allowed pretty much all p*rn (do i need to censor stuff here?) with exceptions for csam and other illegal material. (18+ content needed to be tagged as such). tumblr, as of 2017ish (iirc?) does not allow for p*rnorgraphic content of any kind.

cohost's four staff members were queer as fuck and the atmosphere of cohost was EXTREMELY queer. tumblr has seemingly had multiple instances of bans of trans users for seemingly no reason other than "they were trans".

cohost had a cool mascot while tumblr seemingly doesn't have any. eggbug win

as someone who used cohost a ton before it shut down, moved to bluesky, and is now dipping their toes into tumblr, i think cohost did it better than tumblr on a lot of fronts, even if its features weren't as fleshed out. i'll do a full retrospective piece about cohost another time though

anyways shoutout to tumblr sending one of my bullet points to the void when i was changing the formatting. very cool

and if you used cohost as well, let me know what i missed!! i'll edit this post if so :3

[madzilla84]

maybe get off twitter lmao people there are absolute shitheaded twats. deactivating my twitter did my mental health loads of good

There is a lot of stuff on Twitter I find annoying, or stupid, or whatever, but there are also people I like and who are funny. It can be really useful for quickly finding out news, too (which was sort of the point of it in the first place). I have 2 accounts (main and phandom), and on both of them my mute lists are *gigantic*. (That’s my main complaint with this site, actually, that you can’t mute people or posts, only tags.) So for the most part, my experience is fine; mostly enjoyable. Sometimes, though, someone I follow will retweet someone I don’t know and hadn’t encountered before, or people don’t tag, so stuff slips through. (And twitter in its wisdom sometimes just inserts peoples’ random likes into your tl, no thank you) But that happens here, as well, and it’s even harder to avoid because of tumblr’s shitty blocking system.

Having said that, I don’t get terribly involved in heated phandom discussions or whatever on twitter, and have seen what happens whenever anyone does, so in that respect, yeah it can be pretty shitty. There’s a lot of vagueing and dogpiling and people constantly getting offended by everything and everyone. 

But I don’t hate *everything* about it, and I think if anyone does it’s all down to curating your experience. Your TL is entirely composed of people you follow (and probably people they follow, a bit, because of the algorithm). If it’s all garbage? Block, unfollow, mute, whatever you need to do. It’s true that the phandom is largely composed of particular groups and if, like, you hate them all, then - yeah, maybe it’s gonna be very quiet and not much fun. I know I miss a lot of posts because I have so many people muted - but I don’t see drama as well, so probably worth it. I wish D&P would interact more on here and not just there, but I get why they don’t ... twitter is just easier for the sort of virtual crowd control I imagine they need.

...you probably didn’t mean for this to be that deep lol

[ts-akhmim]

Episode 3 | “It does not look good for our tribe. Honestly, we suck... Really bad. ” - Duncan

The way I absolutely flopped at that puzzle… this is why I’m a Beauty cause a sis ain’t smart to complete a puzzle and I’m not brawn-y enough to do well in a challenge hgjfdk BUT that being said, Hagthor beat the thots and apiss and I couldn’t be any happier! I do wish Brawn lost over Brain but yknow, you can’t have everything go your way (‘: it’s funny how I slayed the last challenge and flopped this one tho like a bitch really lacks consistency huh ghfjndmks

Heading into a second tribal council, there is becoming less and less room to hide. I am struggling to hold my own against the other tribes when it comes to competitions, but thank goodness it's a numbers game. If everything goes accordingly, I am taking a backseat this vote and allowing a 4-2 vote out when it comes to Trace. I appreciated Duncan coming to me with the alliance chat information with him/Scott/Trace/Isaac, but didn't like how Autumn needed to tell me first. Shows that I really can't trust Scott/Duncan after a swap comes up. In regards to Scott, he outright didn't say anything. I like him and all, but it was a slimy move to say the least. He only said something because he HAD to vote out someone in one of his two alliances. This group will be dumb as hell if they let me swap. I'll flip on them as soon as possible and invite anyone into my alliance. The tribe swap is where I made my 'Slithers' game infamous last time, so I'm hoping for a similar output. Don't forget: I swapped with the minority last time in Guyana (shout out to Jess), so I'm not worried about the numbers and how its split. ALL I NEED IS A SWAP OR TWIST. GET ME OUT OF HERE. 

Wow we’re really flopping this challenge huh! I really hate this as a group challenge bc we wasted so much time believing in an algorithm that doesn’t even work! 

okay so i again filmed a video confessional while walking the dog which i WILL eventually upload i promise hosts BUT. this challenge was literally torture, staring at the excel spreadsheet was so draining. TJ did so much work for it so I really really hope we win he is so sweet i was real mean to him at the start for truly no reason NNN i really really want the beauty tribe to go to to tribal, or the brains lot again i guess? i dont really wanna go to tribal even though i think Liam M is the easy vote? i'd rather not. i just feel really drained after that challenge i wish this confessional was even a little bit exciting im sorry hosts

i feel like i underappreciated dan as an ally?! the more i talk to him its like hmmm we vibe and we have similar energy? like i get very different but good energies from all of dan, jake and jordan! which i love, like i feel really good about them all. like what's reassuring about dan (and this sounds weird) is he feels fine complaining about others to me in pms? like jake does the same and that makes me feel really reassured trust wise - like i would never talk negatively about another player to someone i distrusted tbh... so i feel really good about that! i feel like particularly in a maybe swap i'll really bond with whoever i get to swap with even MORE. idk i just feel good about this brawn tribe still i don't want to GOOO.

okay so yesterday was... eventful! i watched the sequester mini with jake which was super fun and then right after... he cracked the tomb and i decided to tell jake about my idol. have i had it since day two? yes. but i told him i found it during the mini so i wouldnt seem sus. i dont regret my decision (so far at least anyway JKASD) because a) he cracked the tomb and immediately told me b) i think he is loyal and particularly since i told him i can and will idol him like i dont think he has incentive to leak my idol unless it comes down to lategame and he wants to blindside me but i don't see myself being able to hold onto the idol until that stage anyway! but yeah so jake knows about my idol so i'm hoping i can use it to my benefit, or to save him because i'm really invested in his success this season. maybe we are gonna be the two brawns at the end woo and tony style even tho i think i'm probs the woo nnnnn

Trace went home and that is yet another potential connection I could’ve had in the game GONE… like the Brains really wanna see me flop huh! It’s interesting that it was 4-2 vote tho like it has my overthinking self spiraling lowkey. I do really feel for the Brains having to lose twice though like I’ve been on a flop tribe before and morale is always low so my heart goes out to them and I hope they beat Brawn xoxo 

This challenge? Literal homophobia! Like I love unscrambled eggs and I want my eggs cracked by VARIOUS men but this was not what I had in mind (‘: this challenge being my alliance + AJ is interesting as well considering that AJ was the one person I haven’t established a game connection with but I do really like him. In a way, I do think him participating in this challenge is the best thing that could’ve happened to his game since it allows him to build more connections with others? That being said, Connor on the other hand… is disappointing me in a way like the king isn’t talking much or doing much. If he has personal stuff to attend to, I completely get it and he should focus on that first but I do wanna know so I don’t assume he disappeared yknow (‘: but oh well !!!

I do think me honing in on the fact that Kendall and I are two peas in a pod in this game has her really thinking that which is awesome! I do adore that girl but I gotta keep an eye out (for Selener). She did tell me that her goals this round include the following 1) Set up an alliance with us + Austin, 2) Get AJ to be our alliance’s fake 5th, and 3) Get out Adam. While I am glad she told me all of this, I’m just very cautious of her connections? Austin and I are super close and he likes her, that’s fine. My thing is with AJ because while we were calling, I did pick up on the fact that those two have played before and whatnot so who knows. I’m just a naturally stressed person so ye !!! I do really like Adam though so I hope we don’t lose at all (‘:

I hate myself for being on a call for 9 hours in this game ghjfkdls but that being said, I do genuinely love everyone on this tribe and the thought of losing makes me super emo because I feel close to every person here in one way or another. It’s a dilemma too because us winning this challenge would be ideal but if we do win and Brawn goes to tribal, the Beauty Tribe becomes public enemy number one in a swap scenario because why wouldn’t the other tribes wanna get rid of the tribe that has the most members yknow? It’s a nail-biter regardless ;-; 

https://drive.google.com/file/d/1fpSJvDJxy38LcRI4MjwzIa64zT_tytXC/view?usp=sharing

So I'm not surprised that we lost AGAIN! Lowkey I feel like I did everything during this challenge so not only do I feel more defeated, but I'm annoyed that not too many people contributed. Like I have to constantly ask people how they're doing in the challenge, and they provide me with NOTHING!! And I'm tired of voting people out :/ Anyways, I feel like voting out Isaac is a dumb move for my game going forward, because Duncan/Autumn are clearly a duo. Duncan even said to me that he wouldn't mind voting out Devon if we needed too. If we don't swap next round and lose again, I have the feeling Duncan and Autumn are going to try and pit Devon and I against each other. I like to think they'd choose me over Devon since I don't have any connections to anyone. The smart move would be for them to utilize Isaac and blindside me, but I like to think they wouldn't be doing that anytime soon. I feel bad voting out Isaac because I know how much he hated being booted early in Malaysia. So to do that to him again is really sad to me. I would try to convince Devon to split up Autumn/Duncan, but he's all about the 4 going forward. Everyone is and as much as I love the 4, that type of game is boring. Idk maybe my style of gameplay is different than theirs. If I see that I'm in a sinking ship, I make sure to grab a life vest and swim to another boat. I don't sit on the boat and say "okay, time to drown now". Luckily none of them know me for the numerous times that I've flipped on alliances before. If we do swap next round, my plan is to remain loyal to whichever brain is on my tribe. However, this won't stop me from trying to make connections with people from other tribes and making new alliances. If I need to ditch my brains to solidify trust with my new tribe, then that is exactly what I am going to do. In the event that I do leave tomorrow, this game was fun! After being out of the tumblr survivor community for 3 years, I don't think I'd come back for a future org/season because the amount of stress i've been in this past week is more than I've endured with online learning since corona came to town. Idk I wouldn't be surprised if a #blindside came my way.

it's only day 7 and we havent even been to tribal yet and we STILL arent going because we won again, and im already going off the deep end like am i crackedt?? what the hell is happening on this tribe like am i the quiet one or is there just a collective quiet going on since we're just sliding through the game rn?? im not gonna lie it's kinda boring... it's getting weird.....the fact that there's an idol just looming around and someone has it and isnt telling me is making me crazy, and then to make me even more crazy i foolishly decided to sit out of the challenge today, i knew i probably wasnt gonna be good at anything with the letters all jumbled together, im just being real so i decide to spare my tribe and myself mostly the misery and sit out, i dont want to be perceived as weak completely and be voted off right now for it, but i do want to start to make sure people think im not that good at the challenges so i dont have a target going foward- also, im really just not good at the challenges. BUT apparently everyone was just like on a call together all day because of the challenge and obviously i couldnt be in it so :// my own fault! i didnt think it through completely and luckily we won, but if we hadnt, i mean... a day long on/off call is more than enough to bond over and pick a first boot from those not in it, but aj updated me on everything and at least according to him, my name wasnt mentioned and they were mostly working on the challenge and discussing white men, so that means i didnt miss much! im still working day by day on trying to water my relationships with everyone and make sure theyre ready to bloom into my little alliances once its had enough time to absorb all the sunshine i naturally radiate!! However.... others arent doing the same gorl.... like connor, literally messaged me out of the blue just to have a conversation and when i tried talking to him he stops messaging me right away ... like hello is it something i said?? i literally feel like parvati when she was going is it me?? am i being punkd??? also tried talking to kendall again today, i do enjoy her i will say she's growing on me but as of now she hasnt responded to me yet, which is ok since i never respond to anyone either oop hopefully its just not everyone vs. adam already in other news i guess a swap could be coming?? i really just dont want to be on a tribe with jakey because im not ready to dig up the hatchet from cvc lets keep it buried please!! unless he's completely forgotten that and wants to work with me and be my shield again but um... dont think he'd be up for that! im here to play a NEW game not my old one, in any case, no matter what happens i feel like as long as i have any of my fellow A name sisters- AJ, Augusto, or Amir with me, i could possibly be fine... i dont think Amir was really playing me anymore either like i did yesterday smh i think that was just a tangent of paranoia my mind created (maybe ..) 

I feel like we have to be swapping tonight like this brains tribe has lost so many challenges in a rwo, that ifit wasnt planned i feel like the hosts have to be like "put it in sis they movin" Im gonna spendthe rest of the of today working on my relationships with the rest of my brawny boys, so no if we do swap, on matter what configurations it lands on I should have options. Still dont know jac shit about the tomb and that is bothering me but thats a problem for another day.

Well, thank god that we were able to pull that challenge out. I knew if we lost it that my ass could potentially be on the line given how large of a role I played in organizing that challenge, so it would have been sad (and hella scary) to have lost that. But I do think I've shown that I can be a valuable asset to this tribe now in the event that we somehow stay in tribes for another round. I'm anticipating a tribe swap here this next round, so I kind of just need to prepare to meet some new people and hope that I'm on a tribe with some people that I've gotten along with. Ideally, I'd have Jake with me and we'd act as if we weren't that close, but I'd be happy to see basically anyone but Liam there with me. He's a great guy, but I know he doesn't trust me, I know I don't trust him, so I really don't want that to be my only lifeline on a swap tribe.

okay so in the event we swap out of the brawn tribe tonight... which would be TRAGIC i wanted to do an in memoriam of apis 1.0! TJ - i was SO rude and wrong about him! he is genuinely so sweet and lovely, and super hard working. i think he would be a good one to swap with, it would build our bond and he is a challenge workhorse! i hope he isn't mad at me for my round one confessionals, just know tj that i was WRONG and that i was the clown! Lovelis - I get really good energy from him but we also... never talk so idk where I'm getting that from? I think he is definitely going to be a casualty of the swap, I see him definitely getting picked of? Which would be sad! idk we will see Liam M - He is really sweet, but we also talk super infrequently? I feel like he trusts me which is good?! But I think he is definitely gonna go premerge unfortunately just since he isnt super active? we will see ahh Jordan - I really like Jordan i think he is great! we are working together but something about his energy has seemed... off recently? and jake has noticed the same thing and idk what to do with that it just seems off? idk i feel like we potentially are gonna drift apart as allies which would be a shame! Dan - I really love Dan, he has such good energy which I really vibe with him? I think I kind of underestimated his potential as an ally which I really regret I like him a lot tbh.. I'd like to build that trust further for sure, he just gives off such good ally energy Jake - ahh yes have left my favourite for last. ugh i love jake his energy is the best and i trust him 100% unequivocally. he knows about my idol (may've kept it a secret for two rounds but i told him eventually which is what counts jasldfkas) i want him to succeed in this game so badly, im really hopeful for him to SNAP also quickly about the brain tribal, i just hope isaac/autumn/duncan are safe. those are my only preseason connections and would kinda love to see any/all of them in a swap situation tbh i think i want that devon slithers man gone he seems sneaky (is it just because slithers sounds like a snake yes)

It’s been way too quiet around here so I’ve accepted that Duncan/Autumn/Devon/Isaac are all voting me out tonight. Devon keeps talking to me about the swap and really emphasizing about it, so I get sketch vibes from that. Plus that Duncan/Autumn duo is very strong so it makes sense for them to want to vote me out. Plus apparently Isaac is writing my name down tonight so... it’s been fun! I enjoyed my 7 days that I spent here and can’t wait for the perjury trip with Trace and Bodhi 🥳🥳🥳

Lowkey kinda bummed we won this challenge. Which probably raises a few death flags but whatever. I would have liked to put our alliance to the test before a swap :/. It also would have been neat to have the fucking idiot who voted with Trace as a spare vote, now they are definitely going to get fucked. Luckily the challenge provided some new optunity for alliances. For starters we can make a natural extra alliance with AJ without drawing conclusions to a mysterious third faction. Even though Connor did jack shit... I'm not bitter just... disappointed. :/

PERIODTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT, WE WON HOES! Like I am incredibly shook that we won because I was ready to jump off of a ledge hgfjkdl so yay for that! The Brains lost and I really do feel for them but Brawn winning makes our numbers equal and the Brawns are more threatening overall so that should mean that Brains would want to work with us in a swap scenario yknow? I’m just shook I’m on the winning tribe ghjfdks

Now that we won, I SHOULD be chilling right? Well, I hate myself so I’m not doing that one bit. I am deathly afraid of a swap next round because the makings of a swap are all there (a flop tribe that needs a swap to save them, us being at 18 people is perfect for 3 tribes of 3, etc). I’m scared I will get swap fucked in some capacity so I’m just aaaa. That being said, I do want to make sure I leave on amazing terms with everyone before we swap in case I am separated from anyone or I join some of these legends on a new tribe. 

honestly, our tribe has been pretty much on a high. our most recent challenge seemed like something tailored for us to lose, and while i was nervous for a second, we were able to best the brains tribe and send them to tribal for the THIRD time. (i really thought they'd have that one in the bag!) i feel sorry for those nerds, they just can't catch a break :( but seriously, the challenge itself really opened doors of opportunity for me in the game i feel. me/kendall/amir/augusto were on call from 11AM est to the time challenge results went up.. and it was an experience. we all got along pretty well and put our braincells together to get through that challenge, but their company was what made it worthwhile! connor was also participating in the challenge, but he didn't really do anything. although i know he's been pretty busy lately so i'm not too bent about it and completely understand, just wish he said a little more in the chat other than the two messages he did! i think what i'm preparing for right now is the swap. i really wanna cement solid relationships and allegiances with the people on my tribe as we anticipate going into bigger tribes as of next round or the round after. i wouldn't mind just staying on this tribe, though. our dynamic is great, the people are great, and we're even better in competition. there's really not much of a loss there if you ask me! 

So in the past 24 hours I've worked my ass off to try to get Autumn and Devon to vote with me against Scott and/or Duncan and I'm not getting my hopes up. Like everything they've given me has been so vague and I've tried to go the extra mile to try to get Autumn and Devon to trust me. I think I'm going home tonight and if I do that's tragic but not exactly a #blindside. It might be my curtain call but I hope I at least made them doubt each other. 

Also #FuckThoth, Jess rigged me out

Me waiting for tribal to happen: https://66.media.tumblr.com/c327b3a59ef66f9835241d079c1fbe39/tumblr_n20f10EtZH1rkuhmio2_400.gif

Me if I make it out alive tonight: https://media1.tenor.com/images/664df9da1de6fb8913ff67b2ca8234e0/tenor.gif?itemid=16269462

 Me if I get voted out tonight: https://media.giphy.com/media/aUW1R5qccvQ3K/giphy.gif

I HATE IT HERE I WANNA GO HOME!!! I feel like the underpaid babysitter that the parents forgot about cause these boys are triiippppinng. I’m selling the vote so well to Isaac I actually wanted to vote Scott with him and I was going to but my damn alliance has him secondguessing and now everyone is all misty eyed about being split while Isaac is panicking so the solution is a CALL. Even though we call EVERYDAY so there ain’t shit to talk about??? Isaac has been blowing my pm’s up all day so no sir, no farewell calls. My emotional energy has been spent for the day lying for 6 hours straight thank you very much. Scuncan and Devon need to cut the melodrama out cause we have a whole game left?? So we will see each other again??? And if we don’t, we don’t. Also we could not get swapped tonight??? So simmer down. The Lord NEEDS to take me cause I can’t do it. Everyone needs their hand held and their feelings coddled and I’m tired. Less  kumbayah, more playing Survivor 

So we won again! I felt terrible in our challenge chat because I really couldn't get my head around the patterns and shit everyone else was doing, honestly hope they don't see general weakness in me because of it.. I'm good at like, everything else, but I dunno, this season's just not been looking favourably on me yet. After the flag incident and then that challenge, I feel like I probably am in the most danger, and I still don't know what to do about it except spam everyone all the time in hopes they feel some social tie to me... I hate it here I rly do. Hopefully we'll start to get more comps I can excel in because so far it's been flop after flop and I rly hate to see it.

Not AJ telling me that I am the person he is closest to on this tribe… I’m crying ugh, I feel so bad for wanting him to leave first like I didn’t get to know him well until recently but I really do like him… why was I blessed with these iconic people on my tribe? Game aside, I do like them all and want them to slay in life <3

I'm so screwed if I don't win this immunity challenge. I know I'm a weak link, so if I don't win this, hopefully *dan* doesn't either cause I might have to target him to save my skin. This is where I'm really gonna have to be social over the next day, cause my ass is quite literally on the line right now. I'm not getting 18th-16th, screw this.

Okay I’m gonna say it, I love my alliance so much.I will not play with my heart and I’ll kill them if I have to but I really really really don’t want to, I obvi love my alliance with Augusto, Kendall, and Connor so much, but i will not play with my heart and ill backstab them if i have to but i really really dont want to. I would also like if adam austin and aj were safe. I really really like adam a lot. he is a fking sweetheart, and hes so funny. Austin is also great and super genuine and kind. i feel bad for calling him boring earlier, and aj is just funny and cool in general. the best case is we never have to go to tribal and i get to keep my inbred nocturnal intoxicated-at-all-times tribe members here. I am gonna need as many of these people in the game as possible for the swap and for the merge, and if we end up do having to go to tribal, I will do everything in my power to keep the tribe from getting divided, because we're gonna need each other to take down the brawn tribe.

I want to be tight with every single one of the beauties because a swap is likely coming and I need them, and the biggest issue rn I see moving foreward is if brawn and brain align, so we must snatch the brains first. every one keeps talking about being stumped about the tomb and I just keep lying DKNDKDNDD but I am lowkey scared they know I’m lying 

[therobinsonwayoflife]

Ch3 - Oliver

‘And you know how hard it is for a teenager to get adopted...’ 

7K words, Rated T+ (This one might run on the sensitive side for some.)

AN: This chapter was originally published last year where it was transcribed via iPhone and now that I have a computer, I went back in to fix my typos and “premiere” it properly on ol’ tumblr dot comme. 

FF.net | Ao3

 2003

He sat at the steps that afternoon like he always did. The day was ending, the Earth's axis titled just so at this hour to reflect the prettiest orange hues from the sun. It was Lewis' favourite time of day, the after-school hours when Oliver would get home.

‘Lewis, get back inside.’ Mildred leaned out the door with an annoyed look on her face.

‘But I'm waiting for Oliver. He said he'd bring me something from the junkyard.'

'Well, get in line. I'm waiting for him too. One of his teachers just called.'

'Is he in trouble?'

'He's... Lewis just get in and help set the table.'

'But—'

'Now, mister.'

'Alright, fine...'

Lewis shuffled inside, walked past the two volunteers at the kitchen entrance and grabbed a handful of utensils. He made his way around the table, setting on each place a knife and fork. 'Table's set!' he yelled.

Mildred still standing by the doorway, was looking out to the street as she said: 'Good now go watch TV 'till dinner's ready.'

'Why can't I just wait outside?'

'Because I told you so.'

'But TV's sooo boring! Aiden hogs the remote and he only ever wants to watch the Antiques' Road Show.'

'Mmmhmm...'

'Fiiiiine.' Lewis crossed back over into the living room, prepared to plop himself on the couch when he noticed Rose cutting vegetables on the kitchen counter. He sat at the stool in front of her.

She looked up from the cutting board to greet him, 'What's up little man?'

'Mildred won't let me wait for Oliver outside.'

'Well dinner’s almost ready.'

‘Yeah I know, I set the table. Sort of. What're we having?’

'Margaret's famous chicken noodle soup.... That she bought at the store. Here, can you put the peas on the table?'

Behind Rose, Margaret was by the stove, she waved to him. He waved back. She was a nice enough old lady, but Lewis tended to like the younger volunteers better. They didn't yell as much when he took stuff apart and were more likely to answer his questions. Especially Rose. She was Lewis' favourite volunteer so far because she'd take the kids out on field trips to the zoo and the ice cream place. She once spent a whole day with Lewis looking at a warehouse sale on car parts that he couldn't afford.

The meagre bowl of microwaved peas set on the table, Lewis sat back down at the counter. 'Hey Rose?'

'Yeah?' she said sliding the vegetables off the board with the knife and into a pot.

'D'you know what's up with Oliver? All he ever does now is mope around his room playing loud music.'

She filled the pot over the sink and placed it over the hot stovetop. 'I guess he's just been in a bad mood lately.'

'Yeah but it's not lately, it's all the time. I counted 78 days in total he's stayed in bed until three p.m. this last year, sometimes on weekdays. And then even on days where he wakes before three, he's never home before seven. And he's late today.'

Rinsing the knife and cutting board in the sink, she said, 'You kept track of all that? Wow.'

'Is he ok? He's missed a lot of school. Is that legal? He's not dying or anything?'

'You really care about him, don't you?'

'Yeah. He's my friend. Plus he's the oldest, coolest one here.'

She turned off the sink, set down the dishes and leaned in closer to Lewis. She clicked her tongue, choosing her words carefully, slowly in a way that really tested Lewis’ patience. 'That's just the thing. He's the oldest here and he's almost turning eighteen.'

'So? Isn't that a good thing? He'll be able to vote next year.'

'Lewis. If I tell you what's wrong, you have to promise not to tell anyone or make a big deal.'

'I was right, he is sick! Is it terminal? Is it in his bones 'cause I've noticed his posture's a little funny.'

'No,' she chuckled, 'he's not dying and nothing's wrong with his bones.'

'What then?'

'In a few weeks, he'll become a legal adult, which means the orphanage can't take care of him anymore.'

'What?'

'He has to leave.'

'They're kicking him out!?'

'He'll be set up with other arrangements. But he can't stay here.'

'That's not fair. They let him stay when he was seventeen. What makes eighteen so special?'

'It's complicated,' said Rose, suddenly interrupted before she could continue.

'Alright, gang. Soup's on!' yelled Margaret bringing a big pot over to the table with mittened hands. In a softer voice, she mumbled, 'Golly, I've always wanted to say that and mean it.'

'We'll talk later, ok Lewis?' said Rose. 'Ok?' she said again to make sure Lewis was listening.

'Ok.'

 Oliver only arrived home hours later, after the sun had set. Lewis made sure to wait for him at the bottom of the stairwell so that he'd be the first thing Oliver saw when he came through the door.

It took a while though, almost more patience than Lewis could handle. But he was able to distract himself long enough with the Rubik's cube Rose had gifted him on his birthday. He'd almost figured out the algorithm when the door creaked open.

'Oliver!' Lewis ran up to him for a hug.

'Oof-' startled, Oliver almost pulled away but tentatively returned the hug before peeling Lewis off his legs. 'Hey buddy!'

'Didja get something from the junkyard?'

'The what now?'

'Lewis says you promised to bring him something,' said Mildred now leaning against the stairwell railing.

'Oh, uh, did I? I'm sorry, buddy. Must've forgotten. Tomorrow, though.'

Lewis shrugged. 'That's okay. What'd you do today? Did you learn anything cool?'

'Actually,' interrupted Mildred, speaking to Oliver, 'I need to talk to you. I'm sorry Lewis, I'm gonna borrow him for a bit. Why don't you watch TV with the others?'

'Aww.' TV, it was always TV when no one knew how to occupy the orphans. Lewis had other plans though.

He snuck down the hall and found the closed interview room where Mildred and Oliver had gone to talk. He crouched down to inspect the crack under the door. This building was so old, nothing fit perfectly together. The gap was big enough to slide a small plastic tube underneath for Lewis to hear the low voices within.

'Where were you? It took me days to set up those interviews,' said Mildred's familiar voice, 'I'll never be able to get those couples to set foot in here again.'

'So they hate me even when they haven't met me.'

'That is not true and you know it. You can't think like that.'

'I'll think whatever I want, you're throwing me out in two weeks anyway.'

'Jesse, your new social worker—,' she said trying to change the subject, '—you remember?'

'Yes, I remember Jesse, my new social worker,' spat Oliver.

'Don't take that tone with me. You will go to school, you will go to your interviews and all your appointments. It's time to grow up.’ Mildred continued, in a softer voice, she said, 'Jesse says he can apply you for welfare until you get a job. And with your grades, you really should start thinking about summer school. Maybe even a GED.'

'Yippee,' he deadpanned.

'Oliver...' she sighed, 'You want to talk?'

'No.'

'Talking helps. You can't hide your feelings in sarcasm forever. I know this is hard, your situation… it's—'

Oliver interrupted her, 'My screwed-up parents would rather dig themselves into an early grave than be with me and I feel like crap about it all the time, is that what you wanna hear?' The room fell silent. 'That's what I thought.'

Sensing a conclusion to their conversation, Lewis quickly yanked the tube out and took a few steps back. Oliver burst the door open. He marched down the hall and up the same stairs he took to the roof almost every day.

'Oliver!' Mildred call out, but it was no use. She sighed and went to walk back into the living room but stopped at the sight of Lewis with his tube.

Lewis jerked upright and hid the tube behind his back. 'Hi Mildred!'

'How much did you hear?'

'Hear what?'

'Lewis, you do not repeat anything that was said just now to anyone. Got it?'

'Yes ma'am. I'll, uh, I'll go watch TV now.' He turned to go to the couch but hesitated. 'Hey Mildred?'

'Mm?'

'About what Oliver said, was any of it true? Like, he wasn't joking or being hyperbolic, right?'

'He's in a bad place right now, but that's not something you've got to worry about.'

'But it's true, isn't it?' Her silence was all Lewis needed in answer.

   Careful not to spill any soup on his way up, Lewis walked the steps very slowly. The door at the top of the stairwell was ajar, he pushed through with his elbow.

'Hey, so, you missed supper.' Lewis walked over to place the soup on a nearby crate where Oliver had his feet propped up.

'Thanks. M'not really hungry though.'

'Ok.' Lewis sat down next to where Oliver lay on his back, his feet still on the crate. The asphalt pebbles were uncomfortable to sit on, though when he rested his head next to Oliver, he could see the inconvenience was worth it. The view up here was one of the best, if not the best, in Lewis' short lifetime. The night was a clear blue with twinkles of city lights and nearby stars. The train rattled by along the tracks, the windows so close to the orphanage he could almost wave to the passengers within. They stayed in companionable silence until Lewis asked, 'Why d'you always come up here?'

'It's quiet, fresh air, it's roomy, away from everybody else.'

'You mean you don't like being around the other kids?' Lewis sat up, propping himself on his elbows.

'Sometimes. I don't hate them, it just gets to be a little much, you know?'

'Oh. Okay. Did you want me to leave you alone?'

'Nah, you're cool.'

He pondered that for a moment as he laid back down. Oliver the coolest kid ever, or at least at the orphanage, thought Lewis was cool. Everybody else saw him as a dork or a loser or, in Mildred's case, a pitiable rascal who dismantled every appliance in the building. But cool was never a word anyone ever thought to describe Lewis.

He did know that Oliver meant it metaphorically but it was still impressive to Lewis that he got to hang out with a kid like Oliver at all. Tag along on outings, hang out at home or at an after-school activity. Lewis didn't have many friends nor did he really care that much about what people thought of him, but truthfully it was a comfort knowing Oliver enjoyed his company.

'Yeah, bud,' said Oliver, 'Sorry again about the scrapyard. I totally blanked. Brain fart, I guess. But I got my physics book if you wanna look at it.' He gestured to his book bag, propped on the other side of the crate.

Lewis sat up and leaned over to fetch it. Cross-legged, he flipped though its pages, full-colour photographs, charts and test questions. It wasn't vintage, it was published as recently as two years ago. 'Cool! Hey this one has an updated atomic diagram!'

'You're such a weirdo.'

Lewis smiled and put the book aside, 'So what d'you do today?'

'Not much. Skated with some friends. Dine and dashed at the burger place. You know the one with the hairy guy in the kitchen?' Lewis nodded. 'Boy, I swear his hairs were flying as he tried to chase us. Then I got to school late and the teacher thought I cheated on my test. Then I had detention. Which I skipped. Adults yell way too much.'

'You skipped school?'

'Well, I was there for the history midterm and the first half of French. But then Ms Ghall went on about verb conjugation so, yeah,' he shrugged.

'But why? You're so lucky. In high school, they actually teach you things. In elementary, they just baby you.'

'You'll understand when you're older, Lew. School sucks.'

'Everyone says I could skip even further than fourth right to ninth grade but Mildred doesn't want me to.'

'Why not?'

'She says I'm too young. That I couldn't handle it. But I could!'

'Don't worry, little buddy. You're not missing out, high school's just a nickname for a prison where they chain kids to desks and make 'em do sh— er, stuff, they don't wanna do. I'd kill to go back to fourth grade.'

'You have a funny way of saying things.'

Another train raced by, causing a ripple of vibrations as the steel clanked against the tracks. The headlights grew brighter until they were nearly as blinding as a midday's sun, then shrunk into the distance, leaving them both in the quiet darkness once again.

'Lewie... you ever wonder why we're even here?' said Oliver standing up.

'Like on Earth?'

'No, here, at the orphanage. What's the point of it all, the interviews, the photos, the application letters, the meet 'n' greet picnics, the social workers?' He paced around the asphalt, looking out towards the moon.

'So we can find a family.'

'Yeah that's what they say. Find a family, live in a house, be happy. But you know the real reason?' Lewis shook his head. 'It's because no one wants us.'

'Oliver, I know you've had a few bad interviews, everyone does. I turned a guy's hair blue in my last one. But you can't give up.'

'Thanks. But it's useless. My time's up.'

'Is this about the eighteen thing? Because I'm sure you could get adopted before your birthday. You still have two and a half weeks.'

'I can't do it anymore though. I just can't. I've been trying to get adopted since I was six. And you know what that got me? Zilch. Nada. Zero.' He stopped for a moment and went over to stand on the roof's edge overlooking the alleyway between the orphanage and Alfredo's Pizza.

'You'll see, in a few years,' he continued, looking away from Lewis, 'all those cutesy "adopt me" letters will get old. Not to mention couples only ever want babies. Babies that look like them so they can lie to everyone about us being adopted. I'm telling you: no one wants us. We're here because our birth parents couldn't stand us. And no one else wants a reject.'

And then, Oliver did the unexpected. He took a step forward over the edge.

'Oliver!' Lewis ran over to peer down, expecting bloody pulp on the cement. Instead, Oliver and his perfectly intact limbs dangled outside the open dumpster he'd landed on. He was swearing from below on his bed of garbage. Lewis called out to him, 'You okay?'

'I think I broke something.... Owww...'

No duh, thought Lewis, but said aloud, 'I'll go get Mildred!'

The clean off-white tones of the hospital seemed to fade even more behind the vibrant cards and "get well soon" giftshop balloons decorating the room.

'What were you thinking!?' cried Mildred at Oliver's bedside.

'Oh, gee,' said Oliver, as agitated as one could be while a myriad of their limbs and neck were encased in casts. 'Well, first I thought, "What a great bowl of canned soup for the fourth day in a row, thanks Margaret!" And then I thought, "Wow! Tonight's weather is perfect to lie in a dumpster!" What did you think I was doing?'

'But in front of Lewis? He's eight, you could've scarred him for life!'

'I'm fine,' said Lewis, unheard.

'Oh please, he's tougher than he looks! I was two years younger than him when Mom bit the dust. Why don't you just let him take the frigging SATs? Maybe then he won't have to completely suffer like the rest of us!'

'No, I'm fine really,' said Lewis feeling perfectly healthy as they talked over him.

Mildred and Oliver continued to bicker until the doctor interrupted to explain Oliver's grocery list of injuries. Afterward, Lewis and Mildred were ushered out as the psychiatrist came in, then left as Jesse entered, who, too, left with the arrival of Oliver's skater buddies on wheelie shoes. Lewis sat in the waiting room skimming the medical journals. He would sometimes pause and look up, watching the teens swerve around the tiles. He always wanted wheelie shoes.

The other orphans who came to visit Oliver hung around too, either playing with each other or fiddling with the loose ends of their clothes. Mildred was pacing in circles, yelling into her cellphone at the insurance company. She sat down with clenched fists. 'Damn it!' One of the full-timers at the orphanage sat next to her and they began to speak in whispers.

Lewis' gaze wandered to the other people in the waiting room. Not many stood around in large aimless groups like they did, most were here to worry over a family member coming in and out of surgery, awaiting to see if their mother or uncle or second cousin twice removed would get their new kidney. Couples cried on each other's shoulders as doctors stood by, a solemn look on their faces, surgical masks dangling from their necks. Kids ran around the play area, eagerly showing their new discoveries about the toy section to their parents who'd humour them with a smile or a pinch of the cheek. Lewis had never before felt more alone than he did sitting by himself with his surgical magazines. Of course, he was worried about Oliver, but for once Lewis wondered if anybody would ever worry about him the way these families did, gathering together in tragedy or elation.

Lewis had no family.

The thought struck him like it never had before. He was always a quiet kid with too much sense to whine or to cry. He kept his head down and ploughed through his teachers' excuses for a challenging assignment, meanwhile tinkering away at a new research project or a broken motherboard. He kept busy and he didn't much talk to anyone outside the orphanage. But what would come after? When he'd turn eighteen, who could he talk to? Could a person really a spend a life shut in a residency, examining old motors and living as a hermit on welfare?

All these people, they lived together and ate together, they went on vacations together, picnics, outings, thanksgiving dinners. What was thanksgiving to an orphan anyway? Just a spoilt turkey donated to them by a middle-class family who, for one day a year, pitied the “less fortunate”. Lewis had nowhere to bring his laundry when he would come home from college. He'd never once been in a car driven by people who cared about his well-being because it wasn't their job. Outside the orphanage, Lewis had nothing.

A little girl in a wheelchair rolled by, accompanied by a small cluster of blue-robed doctors. They stopped and suddenly the girl hopped out, and skipped over to the woman seated across from Lewis.

'Mom! Mom! Look what I can do!'

The woman, her eyes swimming in a bubble of tears, held her hand up to her mouth. 'I can't believe it! You're walking!' The girl ran into her mother's arms, the two of them locked in an embrace for what felt to Lewis like an eternity. 'Come here sweet baby girl...'

Watching the scene from where he sat, Lewis' stomach went in knots. He looked around and found only a distraction in the surgical monthlies, opened up a random page to an article about a family of cancer survivors. He slammed the magazine shut and occupied himself with counting the ceiling tiles as he waited for news on Oliver.

We're here because our birth parents couldn't stand us.

  Lewis never spoke to Oliver again. The hospital agreed to waive the surgery fees, all things considered. When Oliver was finally well enough to leave the hospital, he was moved into a residency program, speaking mostly to his friends or his social workers. It was safe to assume that within a few years, he'd find a steady job, live on his own, and be off to college.

Lewis, meanwhile, holed himself up in his room with his homework the moment he came home from school. He had no one to talk to, really. Mildred was always busy, the other orphans too preoccupied with some TV trend or other, and Rose had left, her volunteer credits done with, she was off to university.

Lewis stared back at his own handwriting, formulas and diagrams strewn all over his desk. His new idea was called "the automatic trampoline". Ideally, in every day circumstances, it would disguise itself as a solid surface, stable enough to withstand the weight of furniture, buildings, vehicles, pedestrians, etc. But when struck with enough sudden force, it would bounce back like a trampoline and absorb all the impact. A natural material able transition from solid to something with enough elasticity was so rare Lewis would have to resort to making it artificially. He'd asked the science teacher, but she only smiled dismissively, 'You're an imaginative little sport, ain't'cha?'

He heard a knock on his door, his thoughts now interrupted. Mildred leaned her head in, 'Supper's almost ready.'

'Ok,' he said not looking up from his papers.

Mildred opened the door wide enough for her to slide in and shut it behind her with a soft click. She walked up Lewis' desk and peered over his shoulder. ‘Is this what you've been missing lunch to work on?’

Lewis said nothing. Mildred examined a sheet of diagrams while he solved equations in his head. Despite his immature drawing skills, she could tell Lewis could combine his imagination and innovation to see horizons far beyond anyone else she'd ever known.

'Lewis? Lewis, I think we need to talk, put that pencil down.'

'What?'

'Are you ok? Since the incident?'

'Yeah. Why wouldn't I be? I'm not scarred for life if that's what you're worried about.'

'You don't find that you're a little sad now that Oliver's left?'

'I guess, but it's fine, really. Oliver was always going to leave one way or another.' Lewis' eyes suddenly glazed over the way they did when he started doing math in mid-air, his hands twitched as if to count all the imaginary variables.

Mildred went to grab his hands in hers and looked him in the eye. 'I know it must be hard for you. Seeing so many people come and go, having to... Present yourself to so many couples. If I could do anything to change that, I would. Given what's happened…. just know… that it's ok to be sad. It's ok to be angry.'

'Mildred, I'm fine!'

'Don't say you're fine, I know you aren't. Now, you're not always as transparent as other kids your age, but before Oliver left, you never skipped meals like this or kept yourself hidden in your room, calculating God knows what.'

Lewis' gaze was now locked on hers. He stayed quiet as Mildred stared back, searching for something she couldn't find. Mildred went on, 'If you ever do want to talk, I'll always be here for you. And, it doesn't even have to be me if you don't want, Karen, your social worker, she's there for that kind of thing too.'

Slowly, Mildred let go of his hands and stood up, waiting for an answer. After a moment's reflection, Lewis finally said, 'Thanks. But I don't need therapy or anything. I'll be down for dinner.'

'Ok. But, if you ever do, just tell me?'

Wordlessly, Lewis turned back to his papers and Mildred walked out into the hall. When he heard her feet march down the stairwell, he set his pencil down. He sank into his chair, uncomfortable as it was, and wondered what Oliver was doing at this very moment. Would he ever remember Lewis? Or was Lewis just an annoying kid who shadowed his every move?

Looking up at his bookshelf he reached for something that caught his eye. It was Oliver's physics book, he left it behind. On the inside cover was a white sticker with "# 36 Oliver Wilson" labelled in formal ballpoint writing. His eyes travelled down the page to the lower right-hand corner that was folded over to reveal a message. This was written in pencil, in decidedly messier writing. Oliver's script.

'Lewie, Mildred probably wants to kill me now. I'm sorry it had to be like this, I'm sorry I couldn't have been there for you. It's too late for me, BUT there's hope for you. Outside this place. You need to get out as soon as you can.

You'll find a way. You're a smart kid. Get the Hell out and use your brains for something good.

Peace.

—O'

Lewis shut the textbook and placed it back on the shelf. He pondered Oliver's scribbled words, obviously written before his long recovery at the hospital. What did he mean, "get out"? Surely he didn't want Lewis to run away or fracture every bone in his body by jumping into a dumpster. The only way "out" was to get adopted.

'Lewis! Dinner!' Mildred's voice called out from downstairs.

Startled, he began to put away his work on the automatic trampoline when he stopped. As he stared at the blueprints, he knew how he was going to get out.

  It was a few weeks later when Mildred knocked on his door and peeked in to say, 'The Johnstons are waiting, Lewis.'

'Yeah I heard you,' said Lewis from where he stood on his desk chair, putting the finishing touches on the automatic trampoline, which to Mildred's surprise looked nothing like a trampoline but more like a slab of white plaster in a wooden frame.

'Well, are you coming?'

He gave a little tap to his plaster block and grinned. He spun around to jump to the floor and heaved his project into his arms. 'Yup!' He said about to run to the interview room.

'Wait, wait,' Mildred stepped in front of him, 'You're not about to bring that into the room with you, are you?'

'You said yourself that interviews are about presenting yourself to couples. Well this is me.'

'A slab of plaster?'

'I've tried and tried the whole, smile, be polite and answer their questions routine. That's not who I am, not entirely. But my inventions—' He caressed the white block lovingly.

'D'you really think that's a good idea? After what you did to Mr Montgomery's hair?'

'I know, but this time, I have a plan. Please Mildred? I can do this, I promise.'

She frowned and she took a deep breath. 'Well, you are a very smart kid... How could I say no?'

'Yes! Thank you!' he said as he ran to the interview room.

Out of breath, he stumbled as he entered, balancing his latest (rather heavy) invention in his hands. The two women seated at the table looked to him, startled, then to the big white thing in his hands. Lewis composed himself as he set the box on the table then sat opposite them. Still catching his breath, he began with a friendly, 'Hi!'

The woman on the left, a bespectacled brunette in a green sweater, replied enthusiastically, 'Hello! You must be Lewis.' The woman to the right, a redhead in a pinstripe suit, stayed silent. The brunette elbowed the redhead, 'Say something.'

'Uh, hi.' She jerked her hand in a wave.

The brunette continued, 'My name is Maggie and this is my wife, Lucy. Don't mind her, she hasn't had her coffee yet.'

'Nice to meet you,' said Lewis eagerly trying to suppress his urge to get right to the point.

'So,' said Maggie, 'It says in your file that you invent things? That's cool.'

'Yes! I do!' He pulled the box to the centre of the table. 'This is my newest one, I call it "the automatic trampoline".'

'Uh, that's a trampoline?' said Lucy leaning close to it. 'Looks like a white brick. And aren't trampolines already automatic?'

'Wait 'till he explains it,' said Maggie.

'Yes, but not your standard kind. It's a solid polycarbonate material that expands with sudden rising temperature and becomes semi-gelatinous due to the heat-transfer of an impacting object coming from a high enough altitude that triggers an expansion of the molecules, thereby absorbing 2.5 quarters of its impact then returning back to solid as the bonds squeeze together again, which will cause the object to bounce upwards, though with only a quarter of its initial velocity.'

The couple looked to Lewis with bewildered frowns. They blinked.

'I'm sorry,' said Lucy breaking the silence, 'I haven't set foot in a science class for twenty years.'

'I think I almost get it,' said Maggie, gesturing as she tried to find her words, 'It's like, a, a melting marshmallow...thing...? D'you think you could repeat that a little slower?'

'That's alright,' said Lewis. 'I could go on and on but, as they say, pictures are worth a thousand words. How about a demonstration?'

'Ooo!' Maggie clapped her hands, 'Like a magic show!'

'I'd need to borrow an object, said Lewis. 'Something kind of heavy. At least 100 grams in matter.'

'Oh, hey, how about your Blackberry?' said Maggie pulling it out of Lucy's pant pocket.

'What? No! That's got my whole life!'

'Oh come on, it's just a cellphone. Besides, I'm sure it's safe, right?' she said turning to Lewis. 'You've tested it?' He nodded. 'See? Have faith.'

Lucy looked to them both sceptically but seeing Maggie's hopeful expression, she acquiesced. 'Fine. Alright. What happens now?'

'Ok, you've got to stand up and drop it on a perfect right angle. And it has to be about...' he paused making calculations in his head, '2.5 decametres directly above the centre.'

She stood and positioned the phone. 'Like this.'

'No, it's gotta be higher,' said Maggie.'

'And maybe a few centimetres to your left.'

'I don't really know how high a decametre is,' said Lucy.

'Just raise it a foot higher,' said Lewis.

'Okay.' Lucy closed her eyes as she dropped the phone. It plopped on the still-solid white surface. 'Nothing happened.'

'You weren't holding it right,' said Maggie taking the Blackberry, ‘Here let me.’

'No, I think we've seen enough,' said Lucy. 'Lewis, it's a wonderful... contraption. But, uh, we could always just have a, you know, normal conversation.'

'You're such a cynic. He said two feet.' Maggie stood on her chair, phone in hand, poised to drop it.

'Uh, actually that might be too—' began Lewis but the phone had already impacted the surface. It launched backwards at an angle, shattering the left lens of Maggie's glasses and hitting her eye. She screamed while the phone crashed into the wall, pieces scattering over the floor.

'Im ok!' she said crouching down but slipped on a stray back panel of the phone. She fell to the ground with a thud and let out a moan, 'Ah! I think my ankle's sprained.'

It all happened so fast, Lewis scrambled over to her as Lucy was helping her up. 'Don't touch her!' she said, jerking her arm up to block him.

'I'm so sorry! This was never supposed to happen!' Maggie was cupping her hands around the assaulted eye socket beneath her shattered lens. Suddenly, Lewis noticed something roll towards his foot. His blood turned cold. 'Oh my God!' He started to cry, 'I'm sorry, I'm sorry, Imsorryimsorry—'

'Don't worry, don't worry. It's just my glass eye,' said Maggie trying to stand, 'Agh!' she said falling back, 'Lucy can you hand it over?'

Lucy crouched down, one arm still supporting Maggie as she delicately plucked the eyeball from the floor. 'I told you, Margæry,' Lucy hissed to Maggie as if Lewis wasn't in earshot, 'some street urchin orphans aren't the answer.'

His heart fell, though he knew it wouldn't change anything at this point, he still pleaded his apologies. Lucy interrupted him with a curt reply, 'Thank you, but we'd better get home.'

'It was nice meeting you, Lewis,' said Maggie sadly.

As they left through the hall, Lewis turned back to look at the damage. Scattered remains of Lucy's cellphone intermingled with glass shards from Maggie's lenses. He walked over, crushing glass beneath his shoes, and stared down at the "automatic trampoline". Some invention.

Nothing in his life was working, let alone any of his inventions. Seems he was only good at taking things apart. He picked up the slab of polymer and threw it against the wall. It bounced back onto the floor where it cracked, the remaining slab lying on its side.

He was a street urchin; he was a reject. Just like Oliver said, no one wanted him. He shuddered hearing Maggie and Lucy's voices down the hall as Mildred spoke to then in high-pitched apologies. It was no use, the sound of doors slamming echoed through his ears. Even his own parents left him behind. His parents.

Suddenly a thought struck him and he couldn't let it go.

Lewis ran to Mildred's office. He closed the door and twisted the lock shut. He grabbed a chair and tilted its back underneath the door handle. His eyes zoned in on the filing cabinets. He opened every single drawer in the room, even resorting to picking the locked ones with stray paper clips and pins. Papers flew, files scattered. Photos, certificates, forms, letters, some so old they were carbon copies from a typewriter.

'Lewis!' called a voice. 'What're you doing?' Mildred's feet were visible from under the crack of the barricaded door. She began to knock, hard. The doorknob jiggled with desperation. 'Lewis, please! Come outside, it'll be alright!' She knocked and yelled once more but Lewis ignored her, continuing on his search.

He'd ravaged through the L's in the cabinet when he'd stupidly remembered the files would be sorted by surname. Fake ones. He'd found it, finally, in with the P's. Shuddering at the surname the judge must've given him as a joke, he slid it out from the drawer.

File in hand, Lewis sank to the floor, littered in a chaos of paperwork he barely noticed now that he'd set eyes on what he'd come for. His hands began to shake. Once opened, this file could never be closed, not really. The answers to the questions burning in his brain would stay with him forever from this point on. And he dreaded to know what it was but he had to.

Just like taking off a Band-Aid, he flipped the file open and forced himself to gaze at its contents.

Compared to the others', Lewis' folder was underwhelmingly thin. The first thing he saw was a birth certificate. His name printed at the top, assigned by strangers only because you couldn't legally exist without a name. His D.O.B. was March 19 1995 12:00 AM. His eyes were blue, hair blonde, and he was American. All this he knew, what he was looking for lay further, somewhere in the small pile of papers.

He flipped over to a series of stapled reports by Karen Schteiff, his social worker. They detailed Lewis' psychological profile, using a therapist's favourite words: "acting out", "projecting", "isolation", "compulsion", "deflection", etc. This he didn't really what to think about. He shuffled paper after paper until he found it, right at the bottom. It was a photocopy of Mildred's cursive script.

April 7th, 1995

I found Lewis on the orphanage's doorstep. On the night of March 19th at around 5 AM, I heard a knock on the door. Worried it might be an intruder, I only opened the door enough to see what was outside. He was small enough to be a newborn, maybe even within the last week. He was wrapped in a mouldy blanket and placed almost half-hazardly in a soggy cardboard box. There was no note of any kind and from what I could see, whomever left him had gone quickly. No sign at all of any parent or guardian.

The report went on to detail Lewis' unsanitary conditions, how neither the police nor the hospital could track down his mother, and why Mildred and the 6th Street staff were qualified and capable of taking him in. Lewis only skimmed the second half of the letter that ended in a flourish of Mildred's signature.

He leaned back against the cold metal of the filing cabinet. His heart pumped in his ears and his stomach felt heavy. These were not the answers he'd expected. He'd always assumed someone had seen his parents, met them. Maybe giving her son up for adoption was the selfless sacrifice of a woman with a terminal illness, like Marie Curie, she'd killed herself in dedication to a fatal discovery for science; maybe they'd died in some random, tragic accident; or even in the line of duty, taken out by enemy spies.

But not like this. Stuff like this wasn't supposed to happen in real life, people were supposed to care. They don't abandon their kids on purpose. But his parents did. Someone had brought him into the world, then had second thoughts. They'd walked up the stairs, in the middle of the night, and left him there in a box. Their lives now improved without his existence burdening them. Cowards.

He looked to Mildred's letter. He had thrown it away; it was plainly written in under a paragraph like a weather report. His hands trembled as he crushed the paper into his fists then started ripping at its corners, shredding it across the floor.

Mildred's knocks were getting louder and louder until she burst in past the now broken door. A young volunteer Lewis didn't recognise watched from outside as Mildred ran to hug him, blotting out his view of the doorway. He cried into her wool sweater. Tears and saliva mingled as he began to have trouble breathing between sobs.

'It's ok, it's ok.' Mildred held him tight and rocked him back and forth. 'It's ok. I'm here. You're ok, Lewis. You're safe.'

'They didn't want me!' he blubbered, 'They left me, they hate me!'

'Shhhh-shh-sh. That's not true. You don't know that.'

'No one wants me, no one likes me!'

'No! Don't say that, don't even think it.'

'He was right! Oliver was right! No one wants us!'

Mildred, knowing now was not the time to argue, simply said, 'Shhh. It's ok, it's ok.'

'How could they? How could they do that? Who does that? Now I'm trapped and I'll die alone, you'll kick me out too.'

'No I won't. No I won't, sweetie. You're right here, I've got you. You're safe. It's ok, it's ok.'

'I'm alone, I'm alone, I'm alone.....' Lewis had never before said anything like that aloud but when the words rang in his ears, he knew they were true.

  It was hours before Lewis finally tired himself out. Wrapped in a blanket, Mildred gave him water and offered what was left of dinner. Despite his stubborn mood, when it was laid before him, he gobbled the pasta up off the plate in a few bites.

He knew the others had been watching curiously from their corners. Volunteers, orphans, and full-timers alike. Lewis was too tired to worry himself with them as he climbed the steps up to his room.

Mildred tucked him in with a glass of water at his side table. She sat at the end of the bed and held a tight grip on his hand. In a quiet voice, she said, 'I love you Lewis. I do. I can't the way a parent would, but I think you're a brilliant, sweet and absolutely wonderful little boy,' then she added in a mumble, 'though you may be a too smart for your own good.' In the dark, Lewis could see her smirk. 'Anyone would be lucky to have you in their family and I'm sure it won't be long until someone realises that. If I could make that happen right away, I would. Until then, you just have to keep your head up and believe in yourself.' She stood to leave, patted his head and walked out. The door closed with a soft creak.

Lewis let his weight sink into the blankets. His eyelids got heavier and heavier, dreaming of rain, cardboard boxes, and a blonde Marie Curie carrying his infant-self down the streets of Midtown.

After only a couple hours' sleep, Lewis' eyes were wide open. Without turning the bedroom light on, he snuck into the hallway with a blanket draped over his shoulders. Guided by the moonlit window, he made his way to the doorway that led to the roof. Up the stairs, and past the locked door (which he picked), he stepped out barefoot into the cool night air.

He walked along the rough asphalt pebbles and sat down next to one of the crates. He hugged the blanket to himself in the chilly air and looked to the moon. Was it the same moon his mother saw when she left him here in a box?

His way out wasn't through her, nor the Johnstons or the Montgomerys or Oliver or Rose or even Mildred. He would just have to keep trying until someone loved him enough to take home. Like Mildred said, he would keep his head up until then.

Lewis produced a pencil from his pocket and drew a single line on the side of the crate. The first in what would become an ever-growing tally chart.