#and he came in to our science class to show us how to extract dna from bananas and strawberries in like grade 6

[kayleafeon]

I keep trying to think of animals that people dislike/are scared of, but I keep immediately coming up with comebacks:

"that's it, I'm sending the snakes" -- Wait no I like snakes, even the deadly ones, and so do a lot of other people. Also it's not specific at all

"that's it, I'm sending the kangaroos" -- Widely known well enough I suppose, but most people will underestimate their strength, those fuckers are jacked and if you see them standing in water they're trying to lure you in to drown you

"that's it, I'm sending the sharks" -- "Okay I'll stand on land what they gonna do to me now lmao" (also marine life propaganda has largely restored the perception of sharks since Jaws)

"that's it, I'm sending the polar bears" -- "What, the two that are left?" Admittedly, even if there was only two, that would still be more than enough to kill someone many times over. But the ability to fire back a sick burn (/s) kinda undermines the tension. Unrelated to the tension, I am too Canadian for this.

I think the best one I've managed to come up with was one I thought of while writing the previous sections though:

"that's it, I'm sending the mosquitoes" -- Most people despise them, me included, it's unclear how many there are, they could be carrying disease, and because of the lack of context you could just as easily be referring to the giant ones from Jumanji but who's to say.

Also terrifying because how did you manage to get them together in the first place? You could feasibly catch most other animals, but mosquitoes are hard enough to slap at the best of times and they have such short lifespans that even if you manage to catch one, chances are it'll be dead by the time you manage to catch another. Alternatively, you're a scientist who studies and breeds mosquitoes for the purposes if that science, but that's a threat in and of itself. You've gotta be at least a little different in the head to study mosquitoes, and if there's one thing I know humans are scared of, it's other humans with different ways of thinking (not that this is a good thing, but I see it disconcertingly frequently). Plus, if you're studying the fuckers, chances are that you're doing at least a mild level of fucked up Frankenstein shit to them, and now they're threatening to send these lab mutations after you. Definitely more than qualifies as ominous threat material imo.

How about “that’s it, I’m sending the lizards”

this would not work on many people lizards are too likable alas. you'd have to specify a species I think. Though I guess a horde of angry anoles would be really really funny.

[pastpatientlywaitingforimagines]

Platonithon Day 1: Polaroid | Spencer Reid x Reader Platonic

WC: 3913

A/N: Happy Platonithon! I promise not all fics will be this long and I won’t only be writing for CM. That being said, I 100% wrote this fic because I wanted to express my feelings about Spencer’s sweater vest in 7x01 and I was also intrigued by Angry!Spencer in 7x02. 

Warnings: angst (although this fic is mostly fluff)

“Hey (y/n), it’s me, Spencer. I’m being coerced to go out for drinks with the team. If you get out of class and want to join us, it would make Garcia’s day. It would, uh, make my day too. Things were kind of rough this week, I missed you. Stay safe, love you.”

You were able to listen to the message once your last student left the classroom, relieved to hear Spencer’s voice after it’s absence for four days. You put on your sweater and drove to the bar the team frequented, crossing the busy room to the table they were all sitting at. Garcia’s face lit up when she saw you.

“Hey Garcia. Hi everyone,” you sat down next to Penelope, putting a comforting hand on her shoulder.

“(y/n), you beautiful, sweater-clad, angel of normalcy,” Garcia bubbled, leaning into your embrace.

“I think you’re the only group of people I can be compared to and called normal,” your quip was met with dulled laughter, cluing you in that Spencer had understated the weight of the week in his voicemail, “where’s Spencer?”

“Morgan’s helping him ‘talk to girls’,” Emily smirked, gesturing over to where the two men were standing. You rolled your eyes, “ugh, doesn’t Derek know Spence is insufferable when he talks to girls?”

“And here I thought (y/n) was the only one who didn’t find Reid annoying every now and then. How long have you lived together?”

“Long enough to know that I hate his stupid puppy-dog eyes that he gets whenever he’s talking to a new girl. It’s disgusting. I love him enough that I’m not about to move out, but I shouldn’t have to suffer because he’s irresistible. Hey, I have some extra tomato plants at the lab, would any of you want them?”

“Aren’t you using them for genetic testing?” JJ’s question was tentative, the suspicion evident in all 3 women’s faces.

“Oh! No, not these ones. I had to test for growing conditions so I didn’t waste time accidentally killing the ones I do mess with the genetics of. I would never offer genetically weird tomatoes to my favorite god-nephew.”

“Is Henry your god-nephew because because Spencer considers you his sister or because I’m your best friend?” Penelope’s question was smug.

“Both, that makes me a double god-aunt,” you shrugged.

“So if something happens to Will and I, and Garcia and Spence, then sure, (y/n) would be next to take care of Henry.”

“Taking care of a kid is just like taking care of plants, right?” you grinned as the other women shook their heads.

“(y/n), you’re here! How was your class?” Spencer bounced over with nervous energy to your side, not acting at all like he just spent a week hunting a serial killer.

“As good as it can be when you’re teaching college kids how to extract DNA from strawberries,” you rolled your eyes with a smile, reaching up to fix his slightly askew tie, “how’s it going with the ladies?”

Spencer got visibly flustered, stumbling over his words as he tried to explain how his night was going, “did you, um, want a drink? I’ll go get you one,” he finally said, rushing off towards the bar. You snickered, watching him walk away.

“So who’s going to tell me what happened to him?” you asked, casually addressing the bruising that was on your best friend’s face as you turned back to the agents you were sitting with.

“Fight with an unsub. It wasn’t as bad as it looks,” JJ said.

“Oh good. As insufferable as googly-eye Spencer is, I’d prefer that over him suffering from night terrors,” you glanced over to where he was standing, showing a girl at the bar a magic trick while he waited for your drink, “if I didn’t feel so bad I’d go over there and ask him if he wanted to go home with me, really throw him for a loop.”

“You say he’s insufferable, what does he think about living with you?” JJ asked with a smirk.

“I’m the biggest delight in his life, he’s lucky to have me,” your sarcasm was evident.

“I sure am,” Spencer slid your drink onto the table in front of you and sat down by your side.

“Giving up on the ladies?” your eyebrows raised in question.

“Yeah, I prefer to spend time with botanists who like to teach and grow plants in our apartment.”

You sipped your drink, “I might know someone like that.”

You stayed with the team and watched them start to relax after their week of work. When it finally got too late, Spencer asked for your keys.

“I’m telling you, plants are good for the soul. Our apartment is much more lively since I started bringing plants home,” you told him pointedly as you walked down the sidewalk towards where you had parked your car.

“You know, for a scientist you believe pretty strongly in feelings,” he opened your door and helped you in, then went around to the driver’s side. He didn’t like driving in the city, which was why he usually took the Metro, but if it meant getting you home safely he would do it without a second thought.

“For a doctor you don’t do much doctoring,” you stuck your tongue out at him, “besides, I still believe in science. I only bring home plants that I’m not using for research and when they’re dying so that your music can heal them. They like classical,” Spencer was quiet for a minute, so you spoke again, “I missed you too, by the way.”

He glanced over at you, confused.

“You said you missed me in your message. I missed you too.”

Before Spencer could respond, you had fallen asleep slouched in the seat next to him. He reached for the radio, turning the volume knob up slightly. He smirked when he heard the notes of Beethoven, you referred to it as ‘his music’ but he had always had a suspicion that you liked classical too.

“Spence,” you leaned into his side as he walked you through the door of your apartment, “I’m happy you’re home.”

He stopped at your bedroom door and pulled you into a hug, “I’m happy I’m home too.”

The first thing you noticed when you woke up was the raging headache you were sporting. The second thing you noticed was the glass of water on your nightstand.

You slurped the water gratuitously before standing. You knew you shouldn’t have been this hungover, you only had a couple of drinks but between teaching and your research you didn’t get to go out very often. You padded out to the kitchen to refill the glass, becoming aware of your roommate’s open door and lack of presence in the small apartment. A post-it note on the counter with Spencer’s chicken scratch handwriting confirmed your suspicion; he had gotten called in unexpectedly.

You made some coffee and put on a nature documentary, then started puttering around the house watering the plants you had across the various surfaces of your home. You had started bringing a new plant home every time Spencer traveled years ago, a few months after you had moved in with the doctor. It had started with just one, you had brought it home to give it extra attention, but when Spencer came home he commented on how he liked it so it stayed on your kitchen windowsill. Your small apartment was now crowded with as many plants as it had books.

As soon as the plants were watered you went back to the kitchen and made some food. You hoped Spencer wouldn’t be gone for too long, though there was no predicting what he got called in for. You spent the rest of the day curled up on the couch, watching a wide range of documentaries. When you were getting ready for bed you sent Spencer a text, just a simple ‘hope you’re ok’ before you settled under your blankets and fell asleep.

When you woke up, you were pleased to hear a commotion in the kitchen. You always felt more at ease when your favorite doctor was safely under the roof of your apartment. You wrapped yourself in a fuzzy blanket, opening your door in hopes that Spencer had started making coffee. Instead of your lanky roommate you were greeted by a shorter woman who turned around as soon as she heard your door open, her hand retracting quickly from the photo that was hanging on your refrigerator door.

She wasn’t anyone who you recognized, which confused you. Spencer usually told you when people were coming over, ‘people’ always being his coworkers and never strangers. You didn’t know what you wanted to say to this girl who was still standing in your kitchen. She ended up speaking first, though you weren’t sure if it was fortunate or unfortunate for you, “Spencer had to go into work, he said it was ok if I made some coffee before I left too.”

“Are you… um… a coworker of his?” You already knew the answer to your question, but you couldn’t think of any other way to figure out who this girl was.

“No, we met a few months ago. I have to run, maybe I’ll see you around. Toodles!” You watched in awe as she walked out of the apartment, taking one of your coffee mugs with her. After standing shocked for a few minutes, you finally gathered yourself. First, you dumped the pot of coffee she had made and started a fresh one. Considering how your day had begun, there was no way you were getting through it without coffee.

Once you finally had some caffeine in your system, you went back to your room and started putting yourself together for the day. There was something about the woman Spencer had brought home that you couldn’t shake. You got increasingly frustrated as you started your normal plant care routine, how could Spencer bring home somebody that he had known for a few months and not have the decency to tell you he was seeing her at all, let alone bringing her into your apartment?

This wasn’t the first time he had hidden something- or someone from you. Considering his aversion to talking about work, there was a lot about the doctor that you didn’t know. Usually you didn’t mind, his personal life was his just as much as your personal life was yours, but this was a whole new level of secrecy. As you spiraled your eyes lingered on the Polaroid the woman had been looking at when you had entered the kitchen earlier.

Penelope had taken it the previous fall, on a team outing to the local pumpkin patch. While the rest of the squad had brought their families, Spencer had invited you. Between Spencer’s genius brain, your affinity for plants, and your shared love of Halloween the afternoon was more than perfect. You and Spencer had been crouched down to eye level with Henry next to a pumpkin that was almost as tall as the little boy, teaching him all there was to know about the plant when the photo was taken. It was one of your favorites, beautifully encapsulating the genuine love you felt for both boys.  

The way Spencer’s guest was looking at the picture felt like an invasion of your privacy, an invasion of this life that you had worked so hard to find. With all of his brain power, Spencer must have known that, right?

You couldn’t take it anymore, so you grabbed your keys and the closest sweater before getting into your car and driving to Quantico. You called Spencer’s cell on the way, but it rang out and went to voicemail. You tossed your phone into the passenger seat, mildly annoyed that he didn’t pick up so that you could at least warn him you were going to yell at him as soon as you had the chance.

You had visited Spencer and the rest of your friends at work enough times to breeze through the security clearance and make it up to the sixth floor. You saw the team meeting at the round table, so you perched on Spencer’s desk and waited. Your roommate was the first out of the conference room, followed by Hotch and Rossi, a pleased smile on his face when he saw you sitting in the bullpen.

“(y/n)! I’m sorry I didn’t see you at all yesterday. Did you have a good day?” His tone was soft and very Spencer-like, you almost felt bad for the berating he was about to get.

“Yeah, I didn’t do much yesterday, it was nice. What about you?”

“We got called in for this consult, that’s what we were just finishing up today. Sorry I didn’t leave a note, I was in a bit of a hurry. How did you know I was here?”

“You did leave something for me, that’s how I knew. Or… someone I should say,” you watched the confusion in Spencer’s face, followed by the wave of realization.

“Sarah was still there?”

“Yep, she made coffee and everything, real cheery for 8:00 AM. Were you going to tell me you had a girlfriend or was this your plan the whole time?”

“She’s not my girlfriend,” he started fidgeting.

“So… you brought a random girl into our house…?” You really wanted to understand the genius logic he had, but he wasn’t making it easy.

“She’s not random- look, when did my personal life become your business?” he started getting defensive. You stood from his desk, facing him in the mostly empty bullpen.

“It became my business when we moved in together. I don’t need to know everything but come on, if you’re bringing a girl home I should at least get a warning.”

“It was last minute, ok? I figured you were asleep, I can call next time if you want.”

“Is there going to be a next time? No offense, Spence, but she didn’t really seem like your type.”

“My type?”

You gave him a pointed look, “she said ‘toodles’ when she left. That only happens in bad movies. I thought you were into smarter girls. How did you even meet her?”

“It doesn’t matter how I met her. I can spend time with people other than you, you know.”

“I’m not saying you can’t. I’m just saying as your roommate I should at least get a heads up, or not be put in the situation at all. It was a dick move, Spencer. If you’re going to hook up with a girl you can at least take two minutes to see her out before you leave.”

“We didn’t sleep together, ok? Why are you always so nosy?”

“Since when have I been nosy? You’re one to talk, Mr. Profiler. If I can’t hide things neither can you.”

“It’s Doctor,” he spit back at you quickly, a knee-jerk reaction, “I don’t want to talk about this anymore,” he picked up a stack of folders from his desk but you grabbed his wrist before he could go anywhere. You and Spencer had never had an argument like this, and while you knew you were responsible for starting it he was escalating it unnecessarily- and unlike himself.

“You’re really walking away from this right now? You don’t just get to call me nosy and then leave. What else do you have to say?”

“Would you rather me air all of my grievances out like dirty laundry? I can do that, I have a list and I have the time,” he started raising his voice.

You let go of his wrist to cross your arms defensively, “enlighten me, Doctor Reid. I’d love to hear all of it.”

“You get water all over the apartment when you water the plants, you- you never put my books back in the same order I put them in, and you never leave a note when you go to the lab. Someone could abduct you and I wouldn’t know.”

“You would know, because you’re a genius and you remind me about it every five seconds. And I could say the same thing about yourself, would it kill you to call me and let me know when you’re coming home from a case? Also, you drink all of the coffee before I even have a chance to have some, and keep way too many secrets for someone I consider my best friend.”

The list went on and on, both of you heatedly arguing about quirks that were trivial in the grand scheme of things. You were so engaged in your squabble, however, that you missed the conversation happening in the conference room behind you.

Morgan was standing next to Garcia with his arms crossed, “bets on how long they keep going like this?”

“Reid’s brain is… infinite, I don’t think he could stop if he wanted to,” Emily decided from Morgan’s other side.

“(y/n) won’t give in that easily, she’s a tough cookie,” Penelope defended.

“Twenty bucks says Pretty Boy ends the argument. Kid must have something that she won’t have a response to.”

“My money is on Reid apologizing first. You’re on, hot stuff.”

“Should we say something? They can’t keep going like this forever,” JJ was worried for both of you.

“Do you want to get in the middle of that?” Morgan asked, “they’ll settle down eventually. They’ve lived together for how long? Even an argument like this won’t break them.”

“What’s happening out there?” Rossi stepped into the room and eyed the other agents.

“Nothing good, they’ve been at it for twenty minutes now.”

“I’ve never seen them fight like this before…” Penelope gaped.

“A lover’s quarrel?”

“No, this is deeper than that. A sibling squabble?” Emily suggested.

“I should have known,” the older man smirked.

“You’re not going to stop them?” JJ questioned, still worried. Rossi shook his head.

“Sometimes you just have to let them fight it out. Reid and (y/n) are good communicators, they’ll figure it out. Aaron won’t share that sentiment though.” Sure enough, the agents watched as Hotch entered the bullpen moments later.

“Reid,” Hotch commanded attention from you and Spencer, “that’s enough. We have work to do. (y/n), it would probably be best if you went home.”

You knew his suggestion was not optional. There was a beat of tension as Hotch walked away.

“And for the record, I hate that stupid vest,” you hissed, jabbing your finger at the patterned sweater vest on Spencer’s chest. Turning on your heel and stalking out of the building, you didn’t see the other agents holding back laughter and Spencer gaping after you.

Instead of going home, you went to your lab. The clean environment was stark compared to the cozy clutter of your apartment, and it was the perfect place to cool down after your argument. You first checked on the plants you were growing, noting any changes. Then you checked your equipment, making sure everything was working properly. Though the routine was a welcome distraction, you couldn’t keep your thoughts from Spencer. The first time you had met your roommate was in this building, two floors up.

You had been searching the chemistry floor for a specific piece of equipment that you needed for your project. Spencer had been poking around the chemistry labs and instead found you shoulders-deep in a closet. After helping you find what you were looking for he asked what you were working on. You had looked at him with a wicked grin and said “solving the world hunger crisis.” You could see the curiosity on his face, as well as the reeling of his brain when you brought him back to your lab, this lab.

That was years ago and the room was much fuller now. Your research was progressing, it was slow but still there. You pulled an extra special plant off of the counter and moved it to the table next to your microscope. You shrugged on the sweater you had brought before your hands went on autopilot, preparing a slide and looking at the green cells underneath the lens.

Your phone ringing startled you from your mostly meaningless observations, “hey Pen.”

“(y/n), my sweet summer child, how are you?”

“I’m fine, you don’t need to worry about me. I’m safe, too. I’m not putting myself in danger,” you rolled your eyes.

“I never said you were, sweetness. Just checking in, you don’t fight with him often,” her voice softened.

“I know. Like I said, I’m fine.”

“Ok, do you need to crash on my couch? I can see if Emily and JJ are available to have a girl’s night if you want.”

“No, thanks. I’m just going to go home late, sneak in behind a large leaf or something,” you joked half heartedly.

“There’s my girl. Call me if you need anything, ok?”

“Ok, thanks Penelope,” when she hung up, you went back to your microscope. You stayed there staring at the same cluster of plant cells unable to really focus until there was a knock on your door. When you looked up your favorite slender genius was leaning on the doorframe.

“For the record, you’re wearing my sweater,” your eyebrows knitted together for a second until you saw the timid smile playing on his lips.

“How did you know I was here?”

“Garcia tracked your phone. I didn’t ask her to but she told me where you were anyways. I’m… uh… I’m sorry for what I said.”

“Me too, except about that vest. I really do hate it and will willingly burn it for you anytime. All you have to do is ask,” Spencer laughed quietly.

“And, uh, I’m sorry about Sarah. She, um…” he trailed off.

“Spence, I don’t need an explanation. It’s ok,” you chewed on your lower lip, “I’m sorry I stormed into your workplace just to start an argument. There were definitely better ways I could have handled that.”

“Are we ok?”

“You tell me, genius,” your eyes locked with his, eyebrows raised, “I think we’re ok, do you?”

“Yeah, we’re ok. What are you working on?” He strode over to your side, gently touching the plant in front of you.

“This is for you, actually,” you told him, “I was working on genetically modifying fruit size, so I bought some giant pumpkin seeds to make an… extra giant pumpkin, just for fun. I thought we could carve it for Halloween, I was going to bring it home for you.”

“How did you plan on getting a giant pumpkin through our front door?” he laughed.

“I was going to bring it home before it started fruiting. Honestly it’s going to have to be soon, I  need to do some serious repotting to accommodate this vine,” your fingers brushed the stems gingerly, “you know you can tell me anything, right?” Spencer pulled over a chair so he could better look into the microscope.

“I know,” he paused, pulling back from the lens, “you can tell me anything, too.”

“I’m sorry, sir, this is a cop-out free lab. If that’s the best you can do you’re going to have to leave,” you deadpanned.

“Shut up, I mean it,” he shook his head. You leaned into his side gently, your shoulder pressing into his.

“Love you, Spence.”

“I love you too.”