#and i know that's not how everyone interacts with the cis/trans labels. and that's fine. you do you and i'll do me yk?

[purgaytorysupremacy]

i'm applying for a fellowship that required my faculty supervisor to write me a letter of support and yesterday he very shyly emailed to say he was nearly done but wanted to confirm my pronouns. i'm a cis woman who is just very very tall (before you ask: 6'2") and uses a nickname bc my given name is too Dutch for most folks (apparently) but i have just discovered that for the last two-ish months i've been in the program, everyone has been dancing around my pronouns and substituting my name more than is normal bc no one wanted to misgender me and were apparently just waiting for someone to either use pronouns in front of me or for me to use them myself and i think i have truly reached my final queer form

[ros-sauce]

Oughg my god Speaking of Mizuki Regularly Getting The Trans Flag Glued To Her Forehead. Today I am thinking about Solitus Utopia. Big yap session ahead

In terms of cards, it's probably The bluntest example of aforementioned trans flag forehead gluing; pink, blue, and white take center stage. And ouughhh. OUGHHGH. The placement of those colors is making me absolutely crazy

Her outfit has a similar deal to her first casual outfit. Lot of blue and white happening with the clothes, and then her hair and eyes are the pink needed to complete the set. To me, what that says is "This character is a walking trans flag, and she herself is the pink. The Girl Color. The girl!"

I've always felt that pink being the only one of those three colors to be Attached To Her was significant, but it's only now that I'm realizing that the clothing has significance too... I'm feeling two meanings from it:

It signifies the importance of cute clothing in Mizuki's transition. Being as cutesy as possible and altering her silhouette are some of her main tools in the way of passing as cis. (The former being a source of joy and the latter being a dysphoria alleviator also deserve mentioning!!). Her clothes complete the trans flag that her Girl Color Hair started; her clothes build up the road she took on the journey that her Girl Color Very Being started. ... And on a less positive note, I think there is also some significance to the fact that the trans flag color palette is only all there when something is Applied To Her. Without her outfit, she's just Girl Color. When the outfit is put on her, the Girl Color is made to be a part of something else, The Trans Colors. Your first thought is no longer "That's a girl and she happens to be Girl Color. Neat!", but "That's a trans girl and she happens to be Trans Colors. Neat!". I feel like there are parallels between that and how much she hates being labelled Different. This is crude, but it's how the words want to come out of my mouth. Sorry: Because Society Says So, you don't need to wear clothes at home, but you do in public. Because Society Says So, Mizuki can exist as Just A Girl when she's at home. She can be Just Pink. "Her home" means two things here. Firstly, Literally Her House, with Yuuki "Ally 9000" Akiyama & her supportive-enough-I-guess parents being the only people who she interacts with. To them, she's just a girl, and they're not weird about it. They know she's trans, but they don't act any particular way because of that. Her other home is Nightcord, at least before Niigo started meeting up in person. As Amia, she was assumed to be a cis girl, and there was no risk (in their pre-mainstory days) of Niigo ever finding out otherwise. While being presumed cis isn't quite as close to "Girl With No Modifiers" as living with an unfathomably based family, it still didn't carry the Othering that she's used to accompanying her status as a trans girl. If she wants to exit her home, she has to put on the clothes, has to put on the label that is made when the color palette is completed, and go from "Girl" to "Girl And By The Way Did You Know She's Trans?". And that makes everyone and their mother feel like it's fine to treat her weird. The pitying and resentment that she fears so much at best, and "HEY DID YOU KNOW SHE'S NOT NORMAL? ISN'T THAT WEIRD? AGREE WITH ME NOW OR YOU'RE WEIRD TOO" to anyone who'll listen at worst. With a million billion other forms of othering in between. (Hm. Suddenly I'm thinking about blue's absence from her 3rd anni casual outfit. She's no longer a walking trans flag, and is way pinker than before. Because it's a marketable game with marketable characters, we always had good reason to expect Niigo to be normal about her when the secret came out. But still, I feel like having Even More Girl Color glued to her forehead in Trans Palette's place could be considered some kind of foreshadowing for Niigo being normal... BUT ANYWAY this is not a post about the most incredible pants this world has ever seen, this is a post about Solitus Utopia, so I'll get back to that now.)

With the clothing out of the way, I'd like to move on to the rest of the card. This card is from late 2022, when Mizuki's transness was not quite as obvious ("a few inches away" levels of in-your-face as opposed to the more "you are a school principal at a fundraiser and her transness is a cream pie" level we are at now). This makes me extra ready to take this card as an unspoken "To be clear yes she is a trans girl".

The background walls and furniture are largely blue, and the decor is largely pink and white (and purple. Hi, Niigo!). The former is something that's hard to alter or move or acquire more of, whereas it's pretty easy with the latter. If you have walls or furniture that you hate, you can make it look more palatable by decorating it with things you like, with relative ease. Mizuki did that! The background is covered in all manner of fashion-related pink things, and the pink sewing machine and other supplies carry the implication that she made them herself. They do a great job carrying out their purpose, popping so much in comparison to the blue walls that said walls appear more grey than anything else. And also, you don't really feel like looking at the walls, because all that decor makes them Not Really A Point Of Interest.

To me, that sounds a whole lot like transitioning. There's an unfortunate status that's pretty hard to get rid of, both legally and socially, because Government and People just love to obsess over what you were assigned at birth. But changing the way you appear helps make things more bearable for you, both because you're happier looking a certain way, and because the public is slightly less awful to you when you look a certain way.

Cycling back to the "you focus on the pink things more than anything" point, I feel like the most significant pink thing is Mizuki herself. And I think that is also very nice!! Her pinkness is at the very center of the card. It is the heart of the card! Pink!! Girl color!! Heart!! Mizuki's heart is girl color!! Woah!!

(Obligatory "I do not speak Japanese and I do not live there, so I could be wrong", but I think "I was born with an [insert gender] body, but my heart is [insert other gender]" is a fairly popular way of describing being transgender in Japan? I feel like that phrasing has been losing popularity in English, but I still hear it fairly often in Japanese LGBT+ circles on social media and stuff. If I'm right, then that adds a few more significance points to the Pink Center Of Card thing)

Neat card. I love this pink girl a lot

[birdylion]

Thinking about the rural queer experience again. I can never truly go back to my hometown because most people there will misgender me all the time, no matter how I look. I can't live in a city because that's too stressful for me. I'm in a new rural community now, but I'm stealth there and I don't tell people I'm queer, so I'm basically back in the closet, which is rather isolating, even though I know who I am and where I stand, which is different from how it was in my teens. There's a city nearby where I can go for queer meetups etc, but I've yet to meet a group with which I really vibe. The trans group came close, but even they weren't my scene.

Then there's the thing that most offline queer spaces I know use "FLINTA" as a label more and more, which is supposed to be "inclusive" but actually means "everyone but cis men", and in practice the only spaces I've seen it used actually meant "women and nonbinary people" (including trans women, yay! and/but trans men only nominally). The last time I was in such a space I got misgendered all the time because everyone there assumed that any person who was there was aligned with womanhood so "she" was the default.

I don't get misgendered in my little village and volunteer community, because apparently nobody questions my gender there. It's a specific kind of masculinity that's prevalent there, the hardworking, sturdy and steady type. I don't quite fit in with that either, but well enough that I'm not questioned. In queer spaces, I feel I'm often seen as "in-between" genders even though I'm rather firmly (binary trans) male. Here, in the village, there's no concept of gender as a spectrum, and while the gender roles aren't as set as they used to be, there's still a firm line between men and women, which I know is a prison for those who aren't either, but for me it's actually a blessing. Here I come with all my knowledge of gender theory and understanding for nonbinary life experiences, and yet I don't talk about that, and I don't mention my own past/childhood, because the firm line between men and women actually affirms my own gender more than any queer scene in the city could so far. Getting to spend time with folks from these parts and being treated as one of the guys is SO gender affirming for me personally, it feels like finally I don't have to prove myself.

It reminds me of a trans woman from the city's trans meetup who said that the place that gets her the most misgendering are queer parties, while backwater villages are mostly fine because people see a person in a dress and think "woman".

While I truly feel at home here, my experience as someone who was a gay girl who grew up to be a man is still unique and something I don't share, even though I've been dealing with it for more than half my life and it deeply influenced my worldview and politics and how I interact with the world. It's like this secret identity that new people don't get to unlock that easily, which again is isolating with regards to my sexuality, because that IS very queer.

[libidinous-weeb]

u know what? i think it’s okay to want more inclusivity in ‘x reader’ smut fanfic. i think it’s okay to be frustrated about how it’s hard to find. if you’re a writer you might be looking for ways to do that but finding it difficult or feeling unsure of a way to do so accurately. i know it can be a bit hard, especially when it’s about sex. i have also seen that some writers are worried about inaccurately representing or depicting diverse readers, especially when it comes to penetration and sex acts involving genitals. if you’re struggling with that and are looking for some ways to be more inclusive here’s some tips! (minors do not interact, obviously)

try to avoid pronouns. non-gendered nicknames and pet names are still fine! if you are concerned about your writing sounding too unnatural, go through and reread it. you’ll find that it sounds a lot more natural than you thought! if “they” still seems awkward in a sentence you can try something like “honey” or change it (if possible, depends on the dialogue) so that the character is talking TO the reader and use they!

some good gender neutral pet names: honey, love, baby, lovely, cutie, babe, master (instead of mommy, daddy, or mistress) or my liege/liege (instead of princess/prince). “good baby” or “that’s my baby” or “there’s a good baby” work instead of “good girl/boy.”

if your fic mentions people referring to the reader as a girl or woman EVEN AS A TERM OF ENDEARMENT, you NEED to mention that if you’ve stated there are no pronouns used.

avoid mentioning hair or skin. with hair that includes both the LENGTH AND THE TEXTURE! some people have hair that won’t allow anyone to run their fingers through it. “running their fingers over your hair/toying with your hair” are great alternatives. avoiding using “soft” or color descriptors when describing hair or skin is also a good idea. (not just for POC but also for people with severe acne, burn scars, people who can’t grow hair, etc.)

avoid mentioning clothing or choose gender neutral clothing. “underwear” is better than “panties.” some trans men do not wear bras and some people don’t wear lingerie. but you can still build anticipation by slowing down the removal of clothing or going into detail about the emotional (mention if the reader/love interest is feeling nervous or anxious or desired) or physical details (is the love interest kissing the reader as they slide up your shirt? are they staring with hooded eyes as more of your skin is being revealed?).

always describing the reader as wearing a dress or skirt or heels or a blouse CAN cause dysphoria esp if your fic is labeled as having a gender neutral reader or does not use pronouns. this one specifically causes me the most dysphoria. (i def agree that the idea of clothing being gendered is stupid, but when it’s mentioned in fics it’s usually prolific in people who write for afab reader and mentioned frequently, SPECIFICALLY by love interest. it’s almost always a comment about how sexy or hot the reader is in the dress, making it seem like the love interest is being turned on by the FEMINITY of the reader.)

you can still portray that the romantic/sexual interest in the fic finds the reader sexy without going into detail about what they’re wearing. try mentioning body parts more, or using pants and shirts because everyone wears them regardless of gender. also a good tip if you still want to include specific clothing in a fic: specify if the reader is feminine or masculine before hand. or if they’re cis, specify that.

for body parts try to avoid using the terms “breasts” or “tits.” instead use “chest” or “nipples” instead. sometimes mentioning how “your breasts fill his hands” or how “your breasts jiggle” can exclude not ONLY people who have had top surgery but also women with smaller breasts. use chest or nipples. having the love interest say “your nipples are so cute and sensitive” or “i love leaving marks around your nipples” or “i love kissing down your chest and making you feel good.”

specify afab or amab reader if you have genital specific penetration in it. i feel like most people are aware but that can cause a LOT of dysphoria for binary (male or female) trans people. and also, your fic can still be for a gender neutral reader if you include afab/amab. if it’s NOT for a gender neutral reader don’t put afab/amab. be aware that assigned gender at birth is something mostly used to describe someone who is transgender. if your reader is cis, don’t use afab/amab. you can also specify trans woman or trans man reader if you are writing about a binary trans reader.

afab does not mean feminine and amab does not mean masculine. as a non-binary person this is a personal frustration of me and a lot of other non-binary trans people. afab nb people are not “woman lite” and amab nb people are not “feminine men.” as a way to make things more inclusive and a good first step into writing for trans readers if you’re not trans, you can try to first write fluff/suggestive fluff with a reader that is masculine but does not use pronouns or one who is feminine but does not use pronouns. feminine does not mean female and masculine does not mean male.

trying to specify if a character is more masculine or feminine? you can do this by getting specific about clothing, (dress or suit? lingerie or silky boxers?) or general features (solid and stocky, or delicate and graceful? facial hair? make up?). but the important thing is how the other characters in the story treat and interact with the reader. a masculine reader is less likely to be fawned over and stared at by every man in the room. they are less likely to be treated like a “lady.” a feminine reader is less likely to be called strong. they’re less likely to be called “bro” and have people use crass sexual language around them (obvs in the bedroom it’s different).

okay, let’s talk about sex now: here’s some tips for writing afab smut. i know most fanfic writers are afab but i’m still gonna go into it! it’s okay to write from the love interests point of view if you are at a loss or don’t have experience with afab genitals. you can write about what actions the reader takes that feels good for them. look up the most sensitive spots on afab bodies. (not gonna super into it cause this is already long and the info is easy to find). in general pleasure is the same regardless of genitals. mentioning tightness or how wet the reader gets and how good they feel are great things to include. focusing on how good the reader feels, or how good they look like they’re feeling. if you’re really feeling unsure or uncomfortable writing afab penetration, remember that everyone likes oral and everyone has a butthole. penetration is supposed to feel good! and penetration is not the be all end all or only way to have sex!

tips for writing amab smut: gonna mention the same thing here! if you’re really not sure you can try switching the POV to the love interest’s perspective! remember that penetration is supposed to feel good, both receiving and giving. writing from the person who’s being penetrated’s perspective is also a good place to start. ever written pegging fics? try writing it the same way but change any mention of “strap” to “dick.” there you go! otherwise my tips are gonna be the same as above. pleasure isn’t gendered. what in general what feels good.

tips for writing gender neutral smut: that’s right! you can, AND you can make it just as hot without mentioning reader’s genitals. writing giving oral is going to be the same regardless of who’s giving it. you can always talk about the love interest putting their head between the reader’s thighs. mentioning licking and sucking is okay because that feels good for everyone regardless of genitals. focus on how it feels instead of what is physically happening. use those adjectives friends. hand stuff? fingering and penetration are gender neutral. we all got holes. put stuff in em. write about it. hell yeah.

stuff to use instead of describing genitals: sex (as a noun), between your thighs/legs, inside/inside of you, hole (yeah i know that one isn’t the most creative but...it’s still hot). penetrating is also gender neutral. try length, you (“you feel so good inside me, i can feel all of you, etc.”) it (it’s so big, i can’t believe it’s inside me, etc,”) describing how the penetration feels or how the person penetrating feels is also good.

a strap on is a dick. if anyone in the story is using one, try having everyone in the story call it that. i know i mentioned it earlier but i want it to have it’s own bullet point. it’s a great way to build up to becoming comfortable with keeping the right pronouns for a trans character mid smut scene, or as practice for writing a fic with a trans man that hasn’t had bottom surgery.

dom and sub and top and bottom are not the same. someone can bottom AND dom. someone can top AND sub. top is who’s penetrating and bottom is who is being penetrated. a switch is someone who likes to both dom and sub. a vers is someone who tops and bottoms. SOMETIMES people use switch instead of verse. if you use or discuss a switch please say what kind of switch. top and bottom is mostly used for gay sex. if you’re writing about a heterosexual cis couple, a cis female reader domming a cis male one, she isn’t topping him. she’s only topping IF she’s using a strap on. using top and bottom when you mean dom or sub is taking and redefining terms created by and for the gay community, so please use them correctly. (my opinion. some may disagree but it seems to be a sense of frustration for many of us.)

you can dom and bottom and you can sub and top. penetration does not determine power dynamics. size and age difference do not determine power dynamics. gender and genitals do NOT determine power dynamics.

listen to your lgbtq+ and poc readers. if you write something and you want to know if it’s inclusive enough or if it portrays lgbtq+ characters just ask and be open to what we have to say. most of us won’t try to attack you, we’ll be grateful you’re trying to write something for us at all. inclusive writing may not get as many notes either, but inclusivity is not about popularity.

if you only feeling comfortable writing for your own gender, even if you’re cis? ask yourself why. is it because thats the only kind of reader you feel comfortable writing? that’s okay. is it because you’re only comfortable writing PIV smut scenes and don’t feel you know enough about other sexual dynamics to be able to portray them well? that’s okay too. but that doesn’t mean that everyone in your story has to be cis. it’s not an excuse for not writing a trans love interest. trans people are diverse. trans men are not all masculine and trans women are not all feminine. non-binary people are not all androgynous. trans men do not all have vaginas and trans women do not all have penises either.

fic writers that only write for a POC or trans reader (or both) are doing as much as they can to bring more inclusivity and diversity among writers. asking us to ‘write more inclusively’ or ‘make the reader more vague so EVERYONE can read it’ or whatever isn’t okay. those of us that write for POC and gay/trans reader are few. a lot of the time we can’t FIND fics written that include us. sooo we create them. instead of complaining, you should reblog their fics.

it’s okay to write for a reader or about a character that is a different race or skin color from you, but you can NOT fetishize them. don’t try to use aave in your fics when you’re white. don’t CHANGE the race of characters that are POC. no mention of how beautiful their skin color is because it’s different than yours. no changing black or brown characters to white. no trying to write characters as “culturally black.” NO talking about bbc or calling physical features or languages exotic. the number one example i can think of is white bnha fans changing sero’s ethnicity to hispanic so he can use spanish bc it’s their kink. do not fetishize languages or cultures or ethnicity or race. that is not inclusivity.

you can write whatever you want, but please tag it and label it correctly. writing is supposed to be fun so do it because you want to. it’s okay to only write for yourself. i’m not trying to tell you you HAVE to write in a way that includes everyone all the time. but please tag your shit right. when you tag shit as afab/no pronouns and then use “baby girl” or promote it as gender neutral amab reader and then make them super fem you’re gonna give people dysphoria. when your fics always describe the reader as white or cis or amab/afab or fem/masc or whatever, label it.

if you like inclusivity and wished you saw more of it, you have to participate. write and reblog inclusive fics. reblog fics from lgbtq+ writers. reblog from POC writers. even if the fic isn’t written for or about you. read fics even tho they’re not. read gender neutral fics. you don’t have to read fics that are about things you don’t like, but read x reader fanfics even when you can’t self insert into them. if you want more diversity or inclusivity, if you think it’s important, YOU have to try to make that happen. instead of reblogging posts about how you support it, do something to show your support.

[bullet-farmer]

Okay, I’m having a horrible mental-health day and feel overwhelmed by work, and talking about something that’s been bothering me really feels liberating. Because I feel like it’s one thing I can control right now.

Please don’t reblog this or tag it. I don’t want this to become Discourse, especially in an awesome fandom. But I needed to get this out in a space where people I trust can reply if they wish. I’m fine with disagreement and discussion, as long as people respect my feelings, or ask for clarification if they don’t understand what I’m talking about.

This got long. And it’s about pronouns. And fictional characters. And idk.

Another thing that kind of bothers me about assuming they/them or ze/zir for Beelzebub’s pronouns, and why I’m using both less and less*: I’m really uncomfortable with how few authors do the same for any other character (save, of course, for Pollution, whose pronouns are clearly mentioned as they/them and really should be used exclusively, because that’s just the decent thing to do).  Of course, some people use they/them across the board, or pronouns other than she/her and he/him in any combination. But in my experience, authors who do this are quite rare, at least on Ao3. In most cases, I find authors using “gendered” (for lack of a better word) pronouns for everyone else--namely, those that (presumably) match the gender of the actor who plays each role. For example: she/her for Michael and Dagon, and he/him for Hastur and Gabriel. 

I don’t want to make assumptions about why people do this. For one thing, making sweeping generalizations about people is always a bad idea. It’s even a worse idea when talking about why a group as diverse as fanfic authors. For another, I don’t know what is in people’s hearts or minds, and I’d rather not try to arbitrate any thoughts but my own. That said, in the West, we are swimming in a sea of gender essentialism and binarism. And I can’t help but feel that both are somehow in play in this phenomenon.

Angels and demons in Good Omens are nonbinary. But from a binarist point of view, you could say that nearly all of the angels and demons have at least a few stereotypical masculine or feminine qualities. For example: Michael wears makeup, and a very frilly blouse at one point; Michael’s suit and Uriel’s have what we would call a feminine cut. Dagon has long hair in a style we would call feminine, Sandalphon has male-pattern baldness, Hastur has a deep voice and wears ��masculine” clothes, etc. 

But Beelzebub breaks this pattern. She’s what people in the West tend to think of when they hear the term “androgynous”: somewhat boyish and youthful in appearance, dressing in typically “masculine” clothes that don’t emphasize her shape, and behaving in a way that many would call more masculine than feminine. To put it another way, she is aggressive, she speaks forcefully, she shows no hallmarks of being a queen or princess, and she entirely lacks subtlety. Women, of course, are socialized to do the exact opposite. Save for her appearance at the airfield, she is also far more unkempt than any character in the series with the possible exception of Hastur.  I’m beginning to see several problems as I go deeper into this deep dive.  First problem: the assumption that “nonbinary” means androgynous or genderless. And, as a subset of that problem, the assumption that androgynous and agender/genderless are synonymous, and that they/them and ze/zir are “genderless” pronouns. For some people, they very much are. For others, they are not. (For example, a blogger I follow identifies as a cis woman and uses both she/her and they/them).  Second problem: The fact that a character played by an actress simply must be agender or “not female” because said character is androgynous and behaves in stereotypically “masculine” ways.  Third problem: ...Why are we only insisting on they/them or ze/zir for the dirtiest, least conventionally attractive character in the show? I mean, being dirty and unkempt isn’t a stereotypically nonbinary trait, but considering how society sees women who don’t obsess over their looks as “not real women,” this has some very unfortunate implications to me. Fourth problem: Y’all, Neil didn’t say that Beelzebub would probably use they/them as pronouns. He said “zir” (and to be honest, I think that was him being witty rather than making an official statement). I understand that some people can uses these interchangeably to describe themselves, but they really aren’t interchangeable. And acting like they are, strikes me as basically saying “well, these are all nongendered pronouns, so just pick whichever you like best when talking about someone.” Imagine calling someone whose pronouns are they/them, “ze/zir” and thinking that isn’t misgendering or upsetting. I also don’t see posts that insist we respect any other character as nonbinary--particularly characters like, say, Hastur, Ligur, or Gabriel. (Perhaps I’m mistaken, but I really feel like people are even more hesitant to call more “masculine” characters nonbinary than they are Dagon, Michael, etc. Which also strikes me as having really unfortunate implications. But that’s a whole other post.) Or regular use of “Nonbinary Character” and “Canon Nonbinary Character” tags on AO3 for any other demon or angel.  All of this is really starting to get to me as a nonbinary/genderfluid person who absolutely does not see myself as agender or androgynous, even if people regularly describe my looks as “masculine” for reasons I’ll get into in a second. I’m genderfluid and nonbinary because I do not fully or consistently identify with the gender I was assigned at birth--and because I never have. While some days I feel fine with having society see me as a cis woman, some days I am deeply not okay with it--and am actually dysphoric because my body doesn’t look more stereotypically androgynous. However, when I realized that stereotypical androgyny is a concept that cisheterocentric society forces on nonbinary people--and DFAB people in particular--my dysphoria became a bit more manageable.  I also do not attend to my appearance. I have no interest in wearing makeup, flattering clothes, or even feminine ones. I wear skirts for comfort; I’ve always hated pants because of sensory issues, but if I didn’t, I’d probably wear a lot of “men’s” clothes. As it is, I wear T-shirts cut for men, rather than the fitted versions for women. And baggy clothes that men can get away with wearing, but women not so much. I don’t regularly style my hair despite having it long. I don’t shave any part of my body--which began upsetting people when I was twelve, y’all. Adults constantly bothered me about it, and about looking more feminine and stylish. I may be the only “girl” on the planet whose father encouraged her to wear shorter skirts and more flattering tops when she was in her early teens.

It really upset me, but at the time I had no language for why--other than that I felt pushed and harassed. Thankfully, people have since mostly cut that shit out, but when you deal with it as a child, it really leaves some scars and some gender confusion--a fact I only realized while typing this out! Of course, I don’t believe that any of these life choices inherently make anyone any particular gender. But society thinks differently. To it, I’m a failure as a woman, and when you add on the fact that I’m nearing forty, childfree, offbeat, clueless about ‘appropriate” interactions with men, and loud and messy because of ADHD, I’m labeled as even less of a woman. I would have no problem with this if it didn’t come with the pejorative baggage. I have never been a girl or a woman, though I feel I share enough in common with this gender to be comfortable having it be part of my identity to some degree. Even as a child, I felt this but I had no name for it because no one was talking about trans issues in a conservative red state in the 80s and 90s, and they sure as fuck wouldn’t have done it around kids. I didn’t even hear the word “nonbinary” until the early 2010s.  All of this also means that I don’t get many characters or images that represent me. Again, media portrayals of people like me (DFAB and not consistently woman-identifying) are so rare that Beelzebub is the ONLY one I have found in my adult life who isn’t, you know, the butt of a joke about viragos and lesbians who are too ugly to get a man, and “undateables.” So having people insist that using she/her is somehow misgendering is...well, I get that it’s not directed at me. That it isn’t about me personally. That it isn’t meant to hurt me. That it is a lot of nonbinary people and genderfluid people talking about their own experiences. I know all of that, and I don’t begrudge people their feelings. But it still kind of hurts when they disapprove of disagreement. And it makes me worry that fewer people will read my fic, and may accuse me of misgendering if they do, even if I always “warn” for pronouns. I’m even hesitant to make posts like this or to refer to Beelzebub as she/her in casual conversation. Which, well...kind of makes me feel like I do in life. Almost no one but my therapists knows I’m not cis, because I don’t think I could explain it to them without causing confusion and some distress. Which I don’t want to cause and don’t have the spoons to deal with, especially when my own gender issues are so complicated and unclear even to me.

I also just don’t have the spoons to deal with people for assuming I’m a cis, straight girl writing a hetero relationship when I use she/her in most of my Beelzefic. And to be honest, I’m just sort of hurt at the inconsistency around pronouns and the issues said inconsistency raise for me. 

I mean, like I said, I know this isn’t personal, and I do my best to keep that in mind. But I don’t like having to hold my thoughts in because they might upset other genderfluid and nonbinary people.** I have to do that enough in my life already as a queer person, and as a mentally ill person whose feelings are not always appropriate to the situation. Having to hold them in here, too, feels really unfair and frustrating to me, and kind of like I can’t be myself even in LGBTQ+ spaces. so... tl;dr  Use whatever pronouns for Beelzebub you like, or no pronouns at all. I am not the pronoun police, and I would never tell anyone what to do with their writing. But please don’t accuse people of misgendering if they do otherwise, or mistreat them if they do, or make assumptions about them or their reasons. You don’t know who they are or what experience they’re writing from, just as they don’t know who you are and your experiences. I guess that’s it. thank you. 

* Yes, I am aware of what Neil said on the subject. I’m genderfluid and allowed to disagree and to present an alternate view. ** I really don’t care too much about cisgender folks’ opinions on this issue. I’m sorry, but I don’t. Especially when cisgender people opine about what pronouns we should use for a character. I’m glad that they’re concerned and think they’re trying admirably to be good allies, but this really is an in-house and stay-in-your-lane issue. 

[alibinary]

Possibilities / possible examples

I’ve seen a lot of people confused about how can they know whether they are mesobinary, viabinary, exobinary or ideobinary, if it’s not solely dictated by gender.

So here are some examples that might help:

Possible exobinary examples

⭑ Lyon is a maverique. Lyon's dysphoria makes them unable to decide on what kind of body they want, because they don't want a "feminine", "masculine", "androgynous" or "neutral" body. Lyon feels erased when people act like people who transition must be either transmasculine or transfeminine, or when people judge their presentation as masculine, feminine or androgynous. Lyon identifies as exobinary because they feel like they are completely out of the binary.

⭑ Allie is polygender. Some of faer genders are masculine or feminine, but most of faer genders are xenogenders, like caelgender, a gender relating to space, and gendoux, a gender relating to pastels. Fae feels like faer genders aren't acknowledged enough; most people who talk about them just do it to say they can't really exist, and Allie's local trans community has shunned faer for talking about faer "weird genders" instead of sticking to using gender identity just to define the body fae wants. Even if Allie has masculine and feminine genders, fae feels like the biggest hurdle fae faces is the lack of acknowledgement for different identities that don't rely on the binary at all, and this is why Allie only identifies as exobinary.

⭑ Yuri is genderless. Yuri identifies as exobinary and wants exobinary spaces because Yuri hates being gendered in any way, and even a lot of nonbinary-specific stuff acts like people can only be man-adjacent, woman-adjacent, feminine, masculine and/or androgynous.

⭑ Stela is a nonbinary girl. But ze is very political regarding hir identity; ze only identifies as a girl for political reasons, and would prefer people acknowledged the possibility of a world without the influence of binary genders. This is why Stela identifies as exobinary.

Possible ideobinary examples

⭑ Violli is an alteandrogyne; someone whose gender is androgyne, but a version of androgyne which is on a mirror universe/on a different plane of existence. Violli doesn't feel like eir identity is that related to binary genders and isn't comfortable with the idea that eir gender is just "in the middle" between male and female, but ey also doesn't see eir gender as completely independent from the binary, so ey just identifies as ideobinary within the alibinary system.

⭑ Giuli is a demiboy. He has a partial connection to the concept of boy, but he doesn't consider himself boy-adjacent. Giuli considers his gender to be a nonbinary mess, with some of this mess pointing to the idea of boyness and boyhood. He considers himself ideobinary because he doesn't feel close to a binary gender and considers his nonbinaryness more important than his boyness, but his gender relies on the concept of being a boy in some ways.

⭑ Jack is an antigirl/ungirl. This means xeir gender is defined as an opposite of girl. Jack doesn't consider xeir gender to be anywhere close to boy, just away from girl, and so xe has trouble figuring out xeir gender presentation and desired transition. Jack doesn't feel like xeir gender identity is free from the influence of binary genders, but also doesn't consider xemself close to binary genders, so xe identifies as ideobinary.

⭑ Wyr is genderfae, which means ver gender changes from time to time, but never to masculine genders. Wyr is sometimes a woman, or partly a woman, but a lot of the time, ver experiences genders that exist completely outside of the binary, such as maverique, neutrois or stargender, and sometimes Wyr is graygender or genderless. Ve also experiences feminine nonbinary genders sometimes, such as femgender. Wyr identifies as ideobinary and exobinary, since ve identifies with being outside of the binary and with having some relationship to the binary but not being close to it.

Possible mesobinary examples

⭑ Robin's gender is in-between woman and proxvir; a gender that is similar to man/male, but separate. To keep it simple, Robin just identifies as androgyne. Even so, zey feels like treating male and female as opposite universes that can't interact together in any way is invalidating zeir gender, and zey doesn't fit in very well with "fuck gender" jokes or "gender is not a thing" rhetoric. Robin describes zeir desired transition and presentation as transandrogynous, because zey wants to be in a state in-between binary genders, although zey finds it hard to find resources that don't equate androgyny with soft masculinity. Because of those things, Robin feels like mesobinary fits zem better than other terms within the alibinary system.

⭑ Jyoti is a neulier/gender neutral/femil/maverique polygender person. This means sie has many genders, and that one of hir genders is woman-like and entirely neutral, another is neutral, another is woman-like but masculine, and another is not male, female or neutral, but is a specific nonbinary gender that exists. Jyoti hates being seen as feminine and is undergoing hormone replacement therapy to be seen as more masculine, even if that means sie may get mistaken for a man. Even so, sie is not a man, and half of hir genders are woman-like, so sie would like to be able to participate in woman's spaces or identify with labels meant for women. This causes some problems, since people want Jyoti to "pick" between identifying as a trans man or as a cis woman, when sie is neither. Jyoti identifies as mesobinary because, even though sie isn't a man at all gender-wise and isn't much of a woman either, sie feels like hir experiences and struggles are close to those of people who are in-between binary genders.

⭑ Taylor is a man/woman genderfluid person. Taylor doesn't relate much to nonbinary-centric terms, such as diamoric or trixic, because hu is almost always either a man or a woman. However, hu doesn't think it's fair for hum to use terms such as sapphic or achillean on profiles since hu won't change those every time hus gender changes, and hu feels awkward on men-only/women-only spaces because people assume you can only be one and not be other the next day. Taylor identifies as mesobinary because, even if hu isn't "in the middle" between binary genders, hu feels like hu experiences similar issues to those who are.

⭑ Eri is a librandrogyne, which means voi is agender with a connection to androgyny. Eri wants voids androgyny acknowledged/respected, even though voi doesn't consider voidself as someone with a gender. Because of this, Eri identifies mainly as mesobinary, even if voi also identifies a bit with being exobinary and ideobinary.

Possible viabinary examples

⭑ Myriam is transfeminine. Myriam is generally fine with being seen/treated as a binary woman, but kit also wants kits nonbinaryness to be acknowledged, especially within nonbinary, trans and queer spaces. This is why kit identifies as viabinary.

⭑ Lex is a mutare, which means neir gender is always changing to something else. However, Lex doesn't mind being seen as a man in general, and some of the genders ne goes through are male-related genders anyways. Lex identifies as viabinary because even though neir gender identity is fluid and has multiple possibilities, ne doesn't like the idea of completely letting go from a binary identity and presentation.

⭑ Karo is a faesari: someone who's on the gender neutral spectrum, but who has a strong attachment to femininity. Gem doesn't really feel like a woman at all, but would like to be able to not care about being seen as a woman without getting or feeling invalidated for "not trying hard enough" to "look/act more nonbinary". Karo identifies as viabinary for that, but also as ideobinary, since gem fits that definition too.

⭑ Aldenir is a melle. As in, her gender is male, but not masculine at all; it's feminine instead. Aldenir considers her gender to be different from binary male, but related to it, and would like to be respected as a nonbinary person (instead of "just GNC") and as someone who isn't and doesn't want to be considered androgynous, neutral, transfeminine and/or a woman. Because of this, Aldenir identifies as viabinary.

Notes

⭑ The examples given are examples. Not everyone who is any of the gender identities listed will define them exactly as I have defined them here, not everyone who has those experiences needs to choose the labels or pronouns I've chosen here, etc.

⭑ These are *possible* examples because I want to stress there is not a huge pool of people who have defined themselves as exobinary/mesobinary/ideobinary/viabinary yet, these examples are all made up so I can show people what I am going for with this system.

⭑ Feel free to tag this blog on posts about using the alibinary system that you want to be shared!

[kamorth]

See this is why I hate the character limit on asks when you're on desktop, I had to leave out SO MUCH that would have clarified this.

So first off, and as I finish typing it I realize this is the only real point I wanted to clarify: "b) when they turn to the person next to that 'boy,' who, idk, has both tits and a moustache, and asks them for their pronouns, well, that may be a cis woman with PCOS"

I have been this woman multiple times (and once it was "Hey do you know where I can get some DICK? Looks like you've got some to share lololololol I'm so fucking funny" which was interesting). I get it and I feel like I'm lucky in that it's a thing that happens to me maybe once or twice a year at most. Recently I've learned I'm not cis after all, and it was the same experience as figuring out I was ace and then aro. Agender sounded so much better than "female" or "girl" or "lady" or "woman" ("chick" is how I've described myself since I was about 14 stop laughing I'm from a surfing town) when I thought about using it for myself but I was convinced for the longest time that I wasn't allowed to use the label since the A, in my case, stands for "apathetic" (as in I don't actually care at all about my own gender hence people being blatantly transphobic to my face never felt like it applied to me and it was just... confusing? like why would you say that to a person you've never interacted with before and never will again? What was the point? It never felt like an insult, or not one that applied to me anyway to be more accurate). I still don't feel like trans is a label that fits me because I'm fine with people calling me she/her like they have done my whole life and I don't feel like I need to change anything about myself to fit so there's no actual TRANSITIONING for me, it's more like "Oh hey this label fits me better just as I am in a way that I couldn't make myself fit into 'woman'".

ALL of that was meant to be an intro to "I don't want to accidentally misgender people because they have no way of knowing that I'm not a terf, just a moron, when they meet me for the first time". It's not about my feelings being hurt (they're not) or the fact that I'm finding it difficult to figure out how to get it right (I am but it's on me to work through that and I know this), it's about how there's already enough people out there making life difficult for nonbinary people and I don't want to add another shithead to their day.

I remember being taught in primary school in the 80s that the definition of they/them was "a group of people or a person of unknown gender" and that's how I've been using it. For everyone when I remember (which is getting more and more often) but especially for people who look like they do care about their pronouns. I'll take the occasional Karen going "Do I LOOK like some..." I dunno I tune them out after that, over making a queer kid feel invalidated any day. It takes practice to break out of old habits but I'm getting there. I guess it just hit me wrong when I saw someone posting about hating it when cis people (which I mistook myself for for almost 4 decades so I can understand when other people do it) use they/them for all nonbinary people and then like 5 scrolls later I get a post coming up saying it was also a horrendous offence when cis people ask what your pronouns are and then there was another post somewhere in the mix that was "you don't owe anyone an explanation of your gender" and all of those statements are valid individually but it does leave the question of what to do when 1) you don't want to invalidate people, even accidentally, if you can at all avoid it and B: you don't know the person in question well enough to ask their pronouns without being invasive and demanding but thirdly, you don't want to insult them by using pronouns they specifically despise.

I'm not trying to treat queer people as a monolith, there's a reason the community flag is a rainbow, but I do need a procedure list for meeting new people that will help me get started until I know more about that person specifically. "New Person I know nothing about yet" is about the only box I do use. Thank you for taking the time to help. The posts I was reading either skipped over the "but not doing the same for cis people" part or it didn't stick when I read them. Now that you've clarified it I'm sitting here going "oh duh".

I've seen two posts in the last 24 hours about pronouns. The first was complaining about how "they/them is just used as the default for non-binary people now and it's bullshit it's not meant to be a trinary" and the second was "cis people asking your pronouns is so performative and it's bullshit" and like... I'm out of ideas? If I don't know what someone's pronouns were, I WAS using they/them until I felt comfortable asking but now I just don't want to use any pronouns for anyone ever. What do?

Well, first of all, I think your mistake is treating queer people like we're a monolith. There will always be conflicting ideas from everyone within the community on what's the best thing. In general, as long as you are acting with best intentions with your best information with an intention to do the best and kindest thing toward the largest number of people, any reasonable trans person is going to be good with the efforts you make. If you don't know someone's pronouns, using 'they' until you can ask is, generally speaking, fine and good. We'll come back to that in a minute.

Second, like, the first person and the second person's statements are not necessarily in conflict and I'll walk you through why. I will say up front that I am not speaking for anyone else, I do not know whose posts these are or what they meant. I am only speaking to general thoughts and why those statements might not be in conflict when I say:

We do have an issue of cis people (and binary trans people, for that matter) treating non-binaryness as though it's simply a third gender, and not an infinitely-sized galaxy filled with an infinite number of genders, some bespoke, some shared, and with everyone experiencing their gender in a different way. (Cis people also experience their genders in unique ways, but that's an entirely different conversation.) My gender is not the same as an agender person; my gender is not the same as another butch's gender. My gender is my own, and it is not 'generic non-binary.'

There is a tendency to refer to non-binary people as "they/thems" or whatever, usually by people who "don't think non-binary is real" (whether those people are cis or trans) or by people who are being dismissive of non-binary diversity and reality. And insisting that anyone whose gender is non-binary in some fashion is they/them -- when a lot of us use flexible pronouns, mixed pronouns, neopronouns, or even just binary pronouns -- is something that quickly becomes a problem. This tendency springs from the very human desire to put everything into easy categories. That it is understandable doesn't make it correct, of course.

Then the other part of this, the second post, is that a lot of the time cis people will only ask for people's pronouns when that person is visibly transgender by the reckoning of that cis person. So you end up with -- for example -- non-passing binary trans people, and people who deliberately present outside the binary regardless of their gender, being asked for their pronouns, but no one else. And on top of that, a lot of the time that's as far as some cis people go in becoming accomplices with trans people. They're not doing anything to materially better our lives, to enforce our rights, to uplift the most marginalized segments of our community, to understand the less-visible parts of our community -- they figure "I asked their pronouns and I used them, I'm a good ally, gonna pat myself on the back and get a cookie."

So it can be very performative and it can actually be really othering depending on the way it's done. If a cis person looks at someone and says in their head 'that's a boy' and doesn't ask pronouns, then a) they may be wrong and b) when they turn to the person next to that 'boy,' who, idk, has both tits and a moustache, and asks them for their pronouns, well, that may be a cis woman with PCOS, first of all and second of all, it becomes really obvious who that person "sees as trans." And that can be a shitty feeling. (It's also a shitty feeling if you don't 'present non-binary enough' and people presume you use binary pronouns, which happens to me a lot.)

I understand being frustrated by conflicting information. It's very frustrating being on the operative end of "I don't want to use pronouns for people ever because two different trans people had two different opinions," too. I hope you understand that your desire to just say 'fuck it' and not use pronouns, and feeling like ... that's ... the worst you get out of it? That's a form of privilege. It's like the privilege of not caring about politics bc your identity isn't political. Sure, you can try to not use pronouns for people and only use their name, but that's generally obvious, too. I only know one person who doesn't use pronouns at all; every other trans person I know does.

Do your best; use 'they' if you're not sure and until you can ask. Ask politely and do so by offering your pronouns first. Don't just ask the people who you think 'look trans,' ask everyone. Practice it and it'll become natural to offer your pronouns and ask. And don't let pronouns be the only thing you do: advocate for trans people, support us, show up for us.

And if you do that, and someone's still a dick to you about your efforts, please try to remember that a lot of us are carrying around so much trauma about how we're treated with regard to our names and pronouns that the person who gets angry and frustrated or whatever probably isn't really responding to you per se but speaking from a place of profound trauma over having their identity continually invalidated or turned into a point of mockery. That doesn't mean it doesn't suck for you, but it does mean that you have the opportunity to allow that minor frustration to flow over and past you because it isn't really about you. Like, yes, it's frustrating, so imagine how frustrating it is for us, being misgendered at every turn and then on top of that having to deal with cis people's fragility over being asked not to deadname and misgender us, having to walk people through how to show us basic respect and be tender with their feelings when we're bleeding... and then try to just let it go.

Yeah, it sucks that we're trying to figure out how to not have our identities invalidated constantly and that we don't always agree on the best way to do that. I'm sure that's confusing. Do your best, and let it go if someone gets frustrated or you get it wrong. Honest mistakes are what they are, and as long as the mistakes you're making are well-intentioned and honest, you'll be fine.

[galatur]

trans ask game: 1, 7, 15, 20, 25, 27, 30, 34 & 44!

1. How did you choose your name?

The name I’m using right now is a variant of my old name. It’s also a nickname that my friends and partners have always used for me. I like that because part of transition for me has been nurturing the more tender parts of myself, and it’s nice to be known publicly by a name that I associate with loving/being loved. (It’s also surprisingly convenient to keep the same initials.)

I’m not 100% sure I’ll keep this name. I got my parents to tell me some girl names that they had thought of for me and they’re actually pretty good. But right now I’m thinking that if I ever do name change paperwork, I might take one of those as a middle name.

7. What is your favorite part of being transgender?

There’s a lot that’s great tbh. Living as both genders, seeing how different interactions with people can be (and how they change as you change) feels like getting to lift the cover on a lot of secrets about society. Also, at least for me the process of transition required a lot of self introspection and honesty. I am definitely a much more self-aware and emotionally available person now than I was before. (Not to mention way happier lol)

Also, I don’t know if this is what the question is supposed to mean, but I also think a lot about how being trans has made my experience of womanhood different from a lot of others. By transitioning a little later in life I missed a lot of the direct forms of misogyny that teenage girls endure. I don’t think it’s a coincidence that I am just about the only woman my age I know who is not on antidepressants, suffering from PTSD, or having a fucked up relationship to food. It sucks that that is the case, obviously. But just realistically I think I would bear some of those scars if I had come to where I am today as a cis woman.

15. What labels have you used before you’ve settled on your current set?

None, really. Maybe it’s because I repressed things for a long time but when I was ready to face them it was pretty clear to me who I wanted to be. But I’m also pretty skeptical of labels in general. Even “trans” as a label or identity - I’m fine with it because we don’t have a better way to talk about that. But I think a lot about how it can conceal more than it reveals about lived experiences and identities. “Woman” is a label that I’m happy with even though I’m not sure gender identity is real ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

20. What do you wish you could have shared with your younger self about being trans?

1) these feelings won’t go away 2) informed consent is a thing 3) modern HRT is super easy and really successful for most people.

Could have saved so much time and anguish if I had known all of that sooner.

25. What do you wish cis people understood?

My utopian program (totally a joke btw unless someone wants to help me build a revolutionary organization with this goal in which case send me a message): I think everyone in society should spend at least one year on each set of sex hormones and presenting as the corresponding gender. Not only would we discover that way more people than currently would prefer to stick with the hormones other than what their body naturally produces, but it would also help everyone understand how much of what they take for granted about human nature, gender, social roles, etc. is actually very contingent and changeable. I think we would be a much healthier society after that.

But really I guess I’m pessimistic because I think as things stand now, cis people are never going to understand us very well. 

27. What do you do to validate yourself?

Tumblr has so thoroughly fucked up this word for me, I have no idea what this even means tbh. I guess I feel pretty solid already about my right to exist as myself in the world. But I’m also probably lucky that I can “pass” pretty easily when I make an effort to do so, so maybe this doesn’t hit me as hard as it does some other people. Also “passing” is a fucked up goal anyway so…

30. Who is the transgender person who has influenced you the most?

Definitely my friends and my most recent ex. Just seeing them live their lives, during and after transition, and also talking about stuff with them was very helpful for me to envision my own transition and what my life could be like after.

Among public figures, the people I have connected with the most or learned the most from are trans women who have helped show how that identity can exist in a way that is not defined by or always associated with feminine performance. Seeing concretely how trans femininity does not have to be pink and frilly all the time (while also appreciating that as a great way to be for women who like it) has been really important for me. So in different ways I’d say Julia Serano, Imogen Binnie and Laura Jane Grace. (Also one of my goals for this year is to learn more about the experiences of Black trans women and other trans women of color, so ask me again in six months.)

34. What advice would you give to other trans people, or what message would you like to share with them?

Nolite te bastardes carborundorum, we’re going to win. Also, let’s learn how to rely on and support each other. When push comes to shove, we ourselves are the only community that we can really rely on.

44. Free space! Answer any question you want, or make up your own question to answer.

I’d like to write something here about the theoretical vacuum that is really demanding attention, which is analyzing trans lives and identities from a materialist and revolutionary point of view. I think that analysis could draw together some insights from Harry Hay’s materialist analysis and practice of gay identities and insights from gender theory including some ideas from Wittig, Butler and Serano and really explore trans experiences in the context of political economy, particularly production and social reproduction. But now I’m late for work so I’ll just leave it sketched out there at that rough level and maybe try to return to the topic again later. 

Special message to tumblr: FUCK YOU I wrote out replies to all of these and the post just goofed and disappeared when I tried to publish it. So I had to write them all out again. I can’t wait until Yahoo finishes driving this site into the ground.

[pinkpeccary]

all the trans ask game asks !!!!!!!!!!! or any five, if that's too many !!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ^-^

under the cut bc long

1. How did you choose your name?i still use my birth name irl, because it’s familiar and i like it, but i use ollie on here bc it’s the name i would change to if i changed. i like it because it’s gender neutral, leaning masc, but could easily not be. it actually started as a name for characters i made up, and eventually i realized i liked it enough to use it for myself.

2. What gives you the most dysphoria? (Acknowledging that not all trans people experience dysphoria)probably when people assume me to be a girl and refer to me as such. like it bothers me less if the person knows it’s not totally accurate, and it depends on the circumstances and the person and the word they use (i’m pretty okay with girlfriend or sister), but that’s the big one.

3. Do you have more physical dysphoria or more social dysphoria?i’d say more social, the physical stuff comes and goes and i can control for a lot of it with clothing

4. What do you do to perform self-care when you’re feeling dysphoric?idk really, i think i just try to distract myself by being around people i trust and just doing something else to get my mind off it. if it’s a physical thing i might change clothes to something that makes it a little less strong.

5. What was the first time you suspected you were transgender?junior year of high school, when my trans male friend was talking to our theater teacher about the complications of passing and being out and shit and mentioned demigenders as a complicating factor in that it’s not as black and white binary as people think

6. When did you realize you were transgender?probably a few months after i started thinking about it, the process was a little weird because i went from “i’m a girl” to “i’m a demigirl” to “i’m agender” and so on, but yeah

7. What is your favorite part of being transgender?this isn’t true of every trans person, but personally i find it very freeing from gender roles and biases. because i’m fluid and have difficulty conceptualizing gender in the first place, i can kind of just respond to any “x gender does this” thing with either “that applies to me” or that it doesn’t, regardless of the gender they name. 

8. How would you explain your gender identity to others?i think i’d self-describe as genderfluid. idk what between, but i think it is fluid and it feels different from day to day. i can’t easily conceptualize how gender works, so most of my descriptions are based of vague feelings. lately i’ve been leaning masc (gender-wise, not necessarily presentation-wise).

9. How did you come out? If you didn’t come out, why do you stay in the closet? Or what happened when you were outed?i talked to my mom about it a bunch during the process and that was fine. i didn’t really tell anyone in high school because it never came up and i didn’t know how to bring it up. at college it’s fairly straightforward, it’s customary to share pronouns when you meet people here, so i say i use whatever pronouns and that’s that. i’ve only really gotten into the details of it with [k tag].

10. What have your experiences with packing or wearing breast forms been?haven’t really tried it, i don’t really get bottom dysphoria

11. What are your experiences with binding or tucking?binding works somewhat. i don’t like that i have to wear a shirt over the binder to really get flat; if i just wear the binder it doesn’t look as smooth.

12. Do you pass?i mean the obvious response to this is “as what?” i don’t read male bc i’m smol, have a round face and a girl’s name, etc. in terms of dress i think i’m probably read as queer in some way, because of short hair and occasional “boy” clothes, but idk what people think my gender is by looking.

13. What (if any) steps do you want to take to medically transition?i want top surgery. idk how that’ll work, because i’ve been trying to get it arranged for this summer but being home is a bad experience so idk how that’s going to work. also i haven’t looked into this much but getting rid of the ability to be pregnant would be A+.

14. How long have you been out?since i got to college pretty much, so about 8 months or so

15. What labels have you used before you’ve settled on your current set?so the ones i can remember off the top of my head, in no particular order: demigirl, caedogirl, commogirl, agender, agenderflux, nonbinary girl, stargender

16. Have you ever experienced transphobia?only microaggressions, like people using overly binary language or assuming me to be a girl, etc.

17. What do you do when you have to go to the bathroom in public?my college has all gender neutral bathrooms. elsewise it depends on where i am, if i feel safe doing so i’ll use whichever bathroom is free/closer because i feel like i can identify with both binary genders to the same extent in that case

18. How does your family feel about your trans identity?my mom’s supportive, so’s my dad as far as i can tell, idk if my sister knows and i don’t care, my brother definitely does not know bc i’ve never really explained it to him (and it would be hard bc he’s got some cognitive issues and is still kinda young so it would take a while) but he’s wonderful and i’m sure he would be fine with it

19. Would you ever go stealth, and if you are stealth, why do you choose to be stealth?i wouldn’t. i don’t want to read as binary in either direction.

20. What do you wish you could have shared with your younger self about being trans?i wish i could’ve figured this out when i was like 10. i had major dysphoria all through puberty and ignored it on the basis that it was “probably just body image issues” and that i had “more important things to worry about.” i wish i could’ve known this was a possibility then so i maybe could’ve done something earlier.

21. Why do you use the pronouns you use?i use it pronouns. i don’t like binary pronouns bc i’m not binary, and i don’t like neopronouns bc they’re too weird for me (not that they’re bad, i just don’t personally like them). singular they sits weird in my head because it uses verbs in plural tense, even as a singular word. it is my compromise for that, as a singular gender neutral pronoun. it also has the added benefit of feeling right for when i want to distance myself from personhood, which i do as a mentally ill / autistic thing sometimes.

22. Do your neurodivergencies affect your gender?absofuckinglutely. i can’t conceptualize it. i really like things to make sense bc #autism, and gender doesn’t make any fucking sense. 

23. What’s your biggest trans-related fear?i don’t really know. i guess maybe people not letting me be who i am? idk. i’m in a pretty good place wrt physical danger, bc i pass as my agab, live in a pretty liberal place, and am v white. so idk.

24. What medical, social, or personal steps have you already taken to start your transition?ignoring gendered clothing, stopped having periods, telling people i use any pronouns

25. What do you wish cis people understood?i want them to know what it’s like to not be certain in your gender. i can’t understand what that certainty feels like, but it seems really strong in most cis people (and some trans people as well) and i want them to understand that not everyone has that.

26. What impact has being trans affected your life?i mean it’s a major part of my identity, so probably a lot, but idk specifics. 

27. What do you do to validate yourself?i really like the phrase “i’m the prettiest boy.” i’ll usually say that in my head when i’m having a good day, or like when i’m getting dressed in the morning and i like my outfit (even if it’s a girly outfit). it’s not technically accurate, bc i’m not really a boy, but i would prefer to be read as a boy than a girl.

28. How do you feel about trans representation in media?it’s pretty shit. there’s a couple good reps, but mostly you don’t really see it. also nonbinary rep is absolutely terrible.

29. Who is your favorite trans celebrity?ngl the only one i know is laverne cox

30. Who is the transgender person who has influenced you the most?idk

31. How are you involved with the trans community, IRL or online?last semester i went to my college’s trans affinity space (this semester it conflicted with a class i’m taking). online i just kinda talk about my gender sometimes, i’m not really that involved.

32. How do you see yourself identifying and presenting in 5 years?probably the same (autistic genderfluid), presenting boy-ish, etc.

33. What trans issue are you most passionate about?i have no passions 

(this is a lie i have many SpIns)

34. What advice would you give to other trans people, or what message would you like to share with them?whatever you id as and whatever you feel comfortable sharing is totally cool and you are rad

35. How do you feel your gender interacts with your race, disability, class, weight, etc. from the perspective of intersectionality?i mean i’d honestly say my gender identity is probably a symptom of my disability. aside from that i’ve got the thin white kid privilege in that i look like the stereotypical nonbinary. i’m fairly privileged in terms of trans stuff based on location, circumstances, appearance, etc, so yeah.

36. What, if any, is the difference between your gender identity and your gender expression?i wear what i feel like for the day. i like sundresses, and usually think of myself as more “boy in a dress” though it definitely doesn’t read that way. sometimes i wear more boys clothes, and i think i just read kind of butch rather than “boy”.

37. Do you feel more masculine, feminine, or neither?i lean masc on the basis of i’d rather err on that end of the spectrum. it’s like a balance between how i’m seen and how i feel, and the “girl” end already has a whole bunch of stuff, so i’m balancing it out by being more “boy”

38. What is your sexual and romantic orientation, and what are your thoughts on it?in big words it’s grayromantic acespike. it’s connected to my gender in the sense that it’s probably also a result of being autistic. i’ve only really been attracted to one person (my current bf), and i guess the only comment i’ll make is sometimes there’s an implication that i’m not gay enough, not because of being a-spec but bc the only person i’ve demonstrated attraction towards is the opposite binary gender from my agab. so. that’s a thing.

39. Is your ideal partner also trans, or do you not have a preference?i really don’t care. [d tag] isn’t, and he’s wonderful, so i don’t think it matters to me.

40. How did/do you manage waiting to transition?i just kind of distract myself. there’s only really one thing i want to do, and i’ve been living with dysphoria for long enough that i can kinda just wait it out until it happens.

41. What is the place (blog, website, forum, IRL space) you get most of your info on being trans or on trans related things?tumblr

42. Do you interact with other trans people IRL?i have a bunch of trans friends (not so much in my immediate friend group) but yeah

43. Are you involved in any trans-related activism?no

44. Free space! Answer any question you want, or make up your own question to answer.i don’t have the spoons to come up with a question rn but this was fun