#and i refuse to use dating apps bc it feels fake

[sheltoner]

shocking: writing about people being happy and in love is hard when all you feel is stressed out and desolate

[strawskai]

I just saw the System Ask you shared! Would you mind answering them all? 💖 I’m curious!

 oh gosh, yeah, I can answer them all! 

1.how many alters are there?

About 17 of us, I think? Then again, could be more and the others are just hiding things from me, like always :/ 

2. does your system have a name?

Its as predictable as you think, we just call ourselves the Straws System. Bc, I like Straws and no one objected. 

3. do you know any other systems irl?

Not personally? I mean, we met up once and never planned for anything else. (I refuse to initiate conversation bc I suck at em. Who knows, someone might contact them again) 

4. how does dating work for your system?

Uuhh, for us, it depends on the other person someone may be dating. Like if they’re cool with alters dating other people or not. But we can date whoever we want IF the other person is okay with it. 

5. are any alters in relationships with each other? if so, what are their thoughts about it?

Yeah! Allen and Kamron are considered married, which my psychologist says it’s for a reason. They don’t seem to really have an opinion about it other than that they’re happy together. Me, Jude, use to date another alter in my system but he’s gonna integrate so there’s that. But for the time we were dating, it was amazing. Like yeah, you share the same body so it’s hard to get that affection you want, but emotionally it was good. I personally thought it was kinda crazy, but I got use to it. And Shaun, the alter I was dating, was more happy and more calmer. 

6. what does headspace look like?

Boop 

7. how many littles are there?

So far, I only know of 2. But could be more, Im not sure. 

8. how many protectors are there?

2? There use to be 3 but one of them is integrating. Huh, I thought we had more protectors honestly. 

9. have any inside jokes?

BRUH, “when the weed hits too hard” bc one alter got high and then another switched (WHO WASN’T USE TO BEING HIGH) so I woke up to videos of them ranting and freaking out. And pretty sure he was crying at one point. We still tease him about it to this day, it’s been a year. 

10. how often do you switch?

Use to be 3-6 times a day, or at least once a day. But quarantine happened and no one can really handle it except me, what a surprise! So we barely switch nowadays, if we do switch it’s usually by a positive trigger. 

11. how do you communicate?

Sometimes by journal or sticky notes. Though mostly internal communication with alters I have good communication with. But if not, yeah, journal or sticky notes. OR we have a personal discord server with Pluralkit bot and use that! We also have a mobile message app called Serif. 

12. any advice to systems recently discovering they’re a system?

Don’t rush or compare yourself to other systems, every system is different. Take your time with communicating with alters, they’ll contact you when they’re ready. And just because a system does this specific thing and you’re not, doesn’t mean you’re faking. And self-doubt is a common symptom of DID/OSDD, you’re not suppose to know you have DID, and if you feel like you’re faking then it’s most likely you’re not faking. 

So yeah, just take your time and know you experience DID differently than other! Everyone does 

13. is there something one alter likes that another hates?

hahah, most of them hate fast food but guess which fat bitch likes fast food -> m e. Or sometimes I’ll crack a joke with my gremlin sense of humour and the others are either “I hate that” or “what?”. There’s probably tons more stuff we dislike with each other, but Im drawing a blank. 

14. are you open about being a system?

yeah, im prett open. though I am embarrassed of my fictives and they know it, we’re working on it 

[happilyneverafters]

pt 1/4: accepting; the novel text to a bff

I love him. I’ve loved him from the very beginning. I wasn’t in the right mind then. I had just gotten over XXX and I was finally living the fun single life. I knew I would hurt him bc he loved me so much and I couldn’t settle. I f*cked up. Fast forward. He did the same to me. He reached out, thinking that I was still that damaged girl he could just have fun with... he saw I wasn’t and we connected way too much way too fast and he hadn’t dealt with XXX. He literally bought a ring. Proposed. Got a “yes” and started planning a wedding. Then to find out she cheated. Yeah, obviously that hurt. He said he was over it but how could you get over that in literally 2 months? You can’t. I got a promise ring and was cheated on so I know the commitment significance but we weren’t planning a wedding????? So he ran. He wanted to mess around like I did. I was furious. Sick to my stomach on how he treated me. But I don’t care as much as I should bc I’ve been there. And I am so in love with him and it’s so f*cking unconditional and this proves it. He has been my best friend since high school. And I’m almost 25........ so 11, 12 years???? What he did was f*cked up. Hahahaha it makes me laugh out loud how f*cked up it was. And when I truly think about every bit and piece that happened from the time he messaged, to when I called him when driving to XXX and he was the biggest d*ck I’ve ever heard... I literally about puke from the gut wrenching pain... but I don’t blame him................ how can that be? I just truly feel sorry for him. Bc an engagement is the biggest decision someone could make and he made that decision. Only for it to go south. So yeah, he broke my heart. He stomped on it and spit on it and put it in the shredder. But for some reason, all of my tears, all of my depression, all of this weight I’ve gained, all of my poems I’ve wrote and all of the fake things I’ve done/said .... I’m still on the fence on how I should feel. I should be angry. I should cuss him out. I should punch him in the face. I should get revenge. I should move on. I should be happy. But I don’t want to. I want to be sad. I want to hurt. I want to miss him. I want to love him. I want to blame her and not him. I want to blame college and not him. I want to blame time and not him. I want to blame me and not him. And that’s sick in the head of me. Bc he literally told you he couldn’t care less about me. Yet here I am, hoping I’ll secretly see him one day. I know I deserve better. But not a better person. The situation was just off. But I can’t see the wrong in it bc I was that person too. If God continues to keep him on my mind and is giving me the words to write about him, I want to trust that he’s supposed to be in my life. If people keep going back to each other, they aren’t meant to be apart. Sure this was only the second time of going back but will I ever not want to go back???? That’s what I fear. You say I’ll meet someone and I’ll “know” like you did. But that’s how I felt with him. I was seriously the most alive I’ve ever been in my entire life. I didn’t want to sleep. I was excited to wake up. I was living on the edge. I was spontaneous. I wanted to be out of the house. I wanted to be with him even if we were just sitting. Or swinging. I wanted to hear every little thing he had to say. And study every feature of his face and body and mind and heart and soul.

pt. 2/4

He wasn’t the person who hurt me. And I don’t believe he meant it. I feel for him the way you feel for yours and the way your voice changes when you talk about him. But he is such a bag of f*cking d*cks and I hate his guts. I want to karma to take him out and make him call her daddy. But I am so consumed that as soon as I think about how angry I should be, I think “aw I just want to hug him and tell him it’s okay”. Yet he would never in a million years do that for me. So when will I stop wanting to do that for him? Or will I? Like I said in one of my poems, I need to act like he is XXX. I wanted so badly to be XXX’s but he is physically not able. He is gone. I need to look at him that way. Same with XXX. When XXX started dating girls in his town. I was miserable. When he told me not to come to XXX. I was livid. But then I realized. He’s not physically able to be mine. That’s how I need to look at him. But I refuse to believe it. I refuse to accept it. I can listen to yalls advice and I will gladly do it but I can’t promise I’ll ever want it to be true. He doesn’t understand that bc he wouldn’t give me the chance to explain that. He read my words. He didn’t hear my words. Or my tone. He refused to look me in the eye and when I was finally close to it he said “ugh fine you can come over”..... like, no, I’m not going to “ugh come over” and fight for your ear and your heart. I’ll “ugh come over” to physically fight you bc you’re an idiot and need to be taken down a notch bc you’re too high on your horse but again, he’s damaged, he’s got that mindset he needs to be free bc he’s seen the ugly side of commitment, not my side of promising commitment. Again, like I said in one of my poems, I don’t love him for how he treats me bc clearly he treats me like I’m a washed up piece of garbage that a raccoon dug through and slept on throughout the rainy night but bc of who he is and what he’s been through and what is capable of. I’m in love with every bit of him for him. Not him for me. Again, he can’t hear that bc he’s childish enough to plug his ears and not listen. Idk what to do. I’ll move on. I’ll go on this date tonight and try my best to keep an open mind but I know at the end of the night, when I get my phone out before bed, I’ll look at his pics or see what he’s posted/reposted. That’s so dangerous of me. You’re right, I might find someone someday who won’t treat me this way. But I want to at least wait to see if his bas**** a** will grow up first and realize I would gladly ask his mom for his hand, get down on one knee and ask his frat a** to marry me and I would say yes to him every single day of my life. Even if he said no to me, like he already has.

pt 3/4

He won’t come back. And I know that. He won’t. Bc he is able to wipe his hands and walk away bc to him, he did nothing wrong. He was just living the single life. But to me, I was home with him. He didn’t act as just living the single life. To him, he was. To me, it was not at all. And he wouldn’t know that. That’s the thing. He doesn’t know. I could tell him, I’m not scared to express it, it’s just like he said though, it’s pointless. It wouldn’t benefit him, and it wouldn’t benefit me. It’s a waste of breath. I’ve made myself look like a psychotic fool to him. I’d rather sit in my room crying and writing about my feelings, just to save him the time of hearing my voice. I won’t wait for him. It’s not necessary. And I told him I wouldn’t. But unlike him, I’m not going to go out and find someone. The only reason I’ve got the date tonight is bc I got upset and downloaded a dating app for one night. Bc I don’t want to meet someone that way. Which is another fear. I don’t want to meet someone online. I don’t go out to bars. You can’t really meet anyone at a church like ours. It would just have to be a mutual friend or someone I’ve already known. Either way, I don’t want anyone else. I didn’t when I broke up with him a few years ago. I tried to come back but he had already had me blocked bc XXX. So I had to. No one, no one, even came close to how I felt about him. Again, it’s not just “oh I really want to be with him”..... the connection.... the connection is what is real and instant and easy and fun and that’s what I loved. He was my best friend first. Does he really have a connection like that with everyone????

pt 4/4

I can’t cry. I’m trying to. I need to. I’m just numb. This song I’m listening to is so touching and of course, I’m thinking of him, but I can’t cry. I think I’ve literally used up all of my tears. I can’t feel anything. And it got me thinking. Y’all are so tired of hearing me vent about him. I know that. And I’m sorry. I know you know something I don’t. And maybe it’s that he truly won’t come back. And that’s fine. I think I’m finally accepting that. But the thing is, is I know what I want. And I’ve known what I’ve wanted for a long time. And it’s him. It will always be him. It always has been. You say I’ll find someone but the gag is I know it’s him. Whether God tells him no, God has told me yes. So many times. And if he is somewhat available, I’m not going to force myself to move on if I don’t have to. I’m not saying I will refuse others but I won’t give up hope on him but if/until he calls me, FaceTimes, or comes to physically see me.... he won’t come back. It’s easy to not care when you have zero contact. He’s the cool senior frat guy who can get any girl he wants. Toxic. Pathetic. Disturbing. Disgusting. But that’s not him. And I know if he saw me, he’d feel for me what he had before, whether he thinks so or not. I’m still so happy. I haven’t changed. I still am living the same life I did before he came back. And today being in XXX, I didn’t search for him, I was just enjoying my time home, but I can’t say I didn’t imagine what it would have been like with him there with me. Or in the car ride home. Or Rn listening to this romantic song trying to nap. It’s him I want. It’s him I need. But I can’t let you be the one I dump it on. It’s not your fault. It’s mine. I know it’s been... 2 months? You’re tired. I’m tired. So it’s time that I suffer alone. As much as I will pray for that day to come where him and I come face to face, you won’t hear about it. I don’t blame him for anything he did. He wasn’t in the right mind. And even if he was, he wasn’t in the wrong. He hurt me, yes. But I did it to myself. And I’m continuing to put myself in the same pain. That’s on me. No one else. So no one else should have to suffer the consequences. I’m okay even though I’m really not okay. It’s not him I’m letting destroy me bc it’s him who truly makes me feel alive, I’m destroying myself. Satan is using this heartbreak against me and I’m giving them the power to consume the little bit of me that I have to offer someone else. Like I said, I’m not depressed bc of him and I’m not allowing him to be the reason I’m numb... I just think the constant “why” or “why not” or “when” is slowly drowning me. I’ve said many times in my poems that my love for him is the most unconditional love I’ve ever experienced in my life and I know that is a once in a lifetime type of love, a true f*cking love that I just can’t grasp isn’t a two way street, and that is what is driving me insane. I could continue typing for hours and days and months and years about this but again, I’m keeping you out of that now.

[running0mega]

I was tagged by @pointstohome and I’m tired.

1. if you were able to travel the world, where would you go first? Cambodia

2. do you prefer driving or being the passenger? Passenger bc I love looking out the window dramatically and not speaking.

3. what is your dream job? why? Photography??? I think? Stop pressuring me???

4. do you have a favorite or go-to outfit? Leggings and my one giant grey shirt

5. what would amortentia smell like to you? That post rain smell and vanilla  

6. what web browser do you prefer? Chrome

7. tell me about your dream house. A big two story house. Idk what it looks like I just want a lil library with a window bench thingy

8. do you have any pets? what are their names? No but I like to say my sisters dog mine. His name is Moose

9. describe your ideal date (platonic or romantic). I want to go on a date where the guy makes a drive in theatre like Christopher did in Gilmore Girls that one time

10. what is your favorite quality in a person? least favorite? Favorite: Humorous. Least favorite: Complaining non stop.

11. do you have any hobbies? what are they? dying

12. Fave book series? Rn it’s probs Talon. I haven’t finished them all yet but it’s pretty dope

13. Fave name? If that’s a thing.. Jasper

14. Most recently watched movie and your opinion on it? Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2. It’s one of the best movies ever made

15. Most recently added song to your playlist? death

16. Fave/best meme? “I came here to have a good time and I’m honestly feeling so attacked right now.” And “okay. That sounds fake.. But okay.”

17. Weird fact/story you read or heard of? Female kangaroos have three vaginas.

18. A memory that makes you feel good? Me and my sister sleeping in the living room during Christmas and watching all the Harry Potters

19. A quote. Any quote. “You’d think killing people would make them like you, but it doesn’t, it just….. it just makes them dead!”

20. Preferred subject or topic in school/uni? English or Photography

21. Preferred hair color? If any. Dark brown or black

22. Something you are looking forward to in the near future? Visiting my brother, and seeing Ed Sheeran and Halsey

23. beach or mountains? Mountains

24. space or ocean? Both

25. what’s your worst nervous habit? I tie and untie my hair tie around my wrist.

26. who’s one of your best friends and why do you love them? My sister @risaaaa bc she’s the bomb diggity

27. what’s in your ideal sandwich? Turkey, pesto, cheese, and tomatoes.

28. pick one song you like for the lyrics and one you like for the music.  For both: Ease – Troye Sivan 

29. name a few people/places/things that inspire you. My sisters inspire me the most

30. think of a person you haven’t talked to in a long time. write something you wish you could say to them. “wild”

31. what’s something that always makes you laugh? “Platform 9¾?! There’s no such thing. You’re the 700th kid to ask me that, and I still refuse to believe it exists!”

32. everyone has that one food place from their hometown that is nowhere else and it is to die for. what’s yours? Winagers ice cream

33. what’s the video game you’ve probably logged the most hours on? Uncharted

34. do you prefer the books or the movies/tv shows? Books

35. what social media app besides tumblr do you use most? Instagram

36. which celebrity’s notifications do you have on? No one

37. if you could only listen to one album for the rest of your life, which would it be? Idk probably a the Pans Labyrinth soundtrack or maybe The Force Awakens Soundtrack.

38. come up with your dream concert. who are the opening acts and who is the headliner? All Time Low and 5 Seconds of Summer. Idk which does which I just want them together.

39. what’s your favorite dog breed? All dogs

40. who’s someone that brightens your day? Baby Groot

41. what’s something you really want to cross off your bucket list? Living in a different country

42. what age do you get mistaken for? probably 13

43. you have a card with unlimited funds on it. what are the first three things you buy? Pay off all my loans, move to the cutest place in Seattle and get some books

44. top 3 moments of the year so far? Meeting Connor Franta, getting a job, and finding out my sister is pregnant

I tag @risaaaa @nostalgicutie @vicsexypants @just-another-bulbasaur @asgardiantimelord123