#and its.... well i hate to use the terms high functioning and low functioning cuz they suck

[nexttothelamp]

...

[derangedroyalfae]

Feb 8, 2019 (as of 11:40AM)

1:35AM

He’s going to the backyard to think, and I’m thinking I didn’t think anything fucking through in my entire life. 

I’ve made the decision to check on him regularly twice a day, making sure he’s high functioning. I set 2 reminders, one around noon and one in the early evening. It’s not a check on how he’s feeling, more of to make sure he’s eating and taking care of himself. Last night, I let him get away without dinner and going to bed early since A. I literally just broke his fucking heart B. I know he ate at some point (though his body was clearly hungry and we both acknowledged it after his stomach growled).

Am I going to regret leaving him? Or is the regret for staying with him for so long?

I told him that I’m not sure if this is sorta like an “isolated incident” (not the choice of words I used) or actually me just being the terribly shallow person and this is who I am and will have to face for all my future relationships. That I will eventually just stop loving people when I no longer feel the need for them. 

Go away, Hollow, you’re not my friend. 

No matter what I said, I just couldn’t get him to demonize me. He used the “You can’t help the way you feel” line. 

I kept saying to myself this feeling will pass, but what if I regret all of this? I kept saying I wouldn’t, but we never can guarantee our future feelings. 

*up until the next morning, Hummingbird and Kitty were in a group chat with each other, but Jewel was a separate chat - however I was saying the same things to them for the most part*

Royal (02/0719 5:29 PM) I’m thinking of doing that talk with Nurd now. I’d rather get it out in the open sooner than later. Why let it build up and make things awkward, especially since I told the girls/you guys and I don’t want what happened to me where I felt so awkward and judged having been around people who knew I was going to broken up with. That being said, I’m not necessarily breaking up with him, I’m talking with him. I might end it with the proposal of breaking up or waiting a couple weeks or month for these feeling to possibly blow over, but I know if my partner was feeling this way, I’d want to know.

I was gonna do it Sunday, but 1. I’m coming out that day so why double stack? 2. It dawned on me that I’d be doing what was mentioned above since I’ve told the girls/you guys and we’re going to their/your place tomorrow.

Hummingbird (6:23 PM) Yeah having that talk before tomorrow might make it awkward. Either way we are here for you :purple_heart:

Jewel (5:38 PM) Makes sense, let me know how it goes

Also of course I totally relate to how you feel about wanting a guy that wants you as a guy

Royal (5:39 PM) A least I can say I gave it a week, which is more time than Nurd and I took to jump each other’s bones.

Though, I know I phrase it like it’s not technically a breakup talk, but if I was in Nurd’s position, the one I’m putting him in, I’d personally go with the break up option...even if I still loved them

Jewel (5:41 PM) Yeah, that makes sense

I probably would, as well, if I were in his position

Royal (5:43 PM) I’m his first everything, and that only makes it worse

Now, I’ll be his first heartache too

I almost feel like offering to wait is like hanging out a line of hope that could just be a rug pulled out from under him

But I feel like maybe I should give it a try, just maybe...I’m wrong, and it’s just another morning where I wake up angry at him for no reason

Jewel (5:45 PM) Honestly, I think you should just go into the talk without deciding the outcome, be it a line of hope or breaking up

Royal (5:45 PM) And I can end the night cuddling with him and apologizing for my unjust feelings, even though I was angry that morning

Jewel (5:46 PM) I get you

Royal (5:47 PM) A thought just occurred: But why would I wake up feeling that way?

If something wasn’t wrong

Why would I just randomly feel so upset or angry with him

Even before we got too far in

Jewel (5:48 PM) And it's not a general anger but specifically directed toward him?

Whenever it happens, that is

Royal (5:48 PM) Yes. I remember it happening that morning and just...I texted him before school telling him I felt so angry with him for some reason and I felt bad about it cuz I didn’t know why, I was just angry and I was angry at him.

We weren’t even living together at the time

And then there was over the summer, but we ruled it out to my hormones

But I just feel an overall annoyance with him nowadays, maybe not all the time, but half of it to a majority

Sometimes nowadays I just wanna punch him when he talks, what he says just gets under my skin, and the way he says it

Jewel (5:51 PM) Like, regardless of what he says?

Royal (5:51 PM) I know I haven’t been good at talking about these things, telling people about them, this is probably the first time you’ve heard it, but I’ve been feeling this way for a while

Not usually regardless, it’s usually on certain topics

But I’ve felt avoidant/annoyed by him regardless

Jewel (5:53 PM) Ah, gotcha

Yeah, I can understand why you wouldn't wanna talk about that

Royal (5:53 PM) But I’ve woken up now and it’s just

Almost like a mind fuck, sometimes a no brainer feeling, it’s so confusing

And I feel like a terrible person for it, I really do

I feel like a monster and heartless, like a real bitch

But it’d only be worse if I dragged him along and led him on. Playing the part is worse if I’m not actually the part.

Pretending is worse than not addressing. It’s unhealthy. It’s wrong.

And I’m the fuck doing this exactly a week before Valentine’s Day holy shit

Jewel (5:56 PM) Hey, it's a helluva lot better than on Valentine's day

Royal (5:57 PM) In my heart, I feel that I’ve already made the decision to break things off. I feel so melodramatic for it, but I’ve honestly felt that way this entire week, at least since Sunday.

I even wrote a song that makes it sound like I broke up with him already (though it could be more like I plan to)

And I’m just thinking that I could just be acting impulsive or that it’s the change of medicine, environment, routine, etc but why does it feel so real and so desirable?

Like, I feel like I actually want to not be with him, that I’d be free if I broke up with him

Jewel (6:04 PM) That's understandable

Royal (6:05 PM) The chorus is literally a reference to every song I wrote for him

"I kept you on the down low

And said you were my everything

You helped me find that happy song

And made my life a musical

I kept thinking we’re meant to be

Writing cheesy love songs

But I guess it wasn’t enough for me

When I lost that connectivity 

I broke your heart, so I’ll play my part as

The monster in this song"

Talk about going full circle...

He’s still my muse, whether or not I love him...

(I mean, I feel like I might still platonically love him, just to clarify)

Royal (6:38 PM) We talked, we cried, he said he’s known this was coming but was scared to ask

Jewel (6:43 PM) Are you done talking or it's still going on?

Hummingbird (6:44 PM) Oh... First question, are you ok? And second how did you end the talk (since you mentioned a couple possibilities)?

Royal (7:19 PM) He had gone to the bathroom when I sent that first message

He was crying so hard, and it happens off and on

We cuddled for a good amount of time

He asked if I’d stay in his room tonight, and I said yes

Perhaps a form of saying his last goodbyes I don’t know

Jewel (7:21 PM) Ah, okay

How do you feel?

Royal (7:22 PM) When he said that he’s been catching on, and how early he was noticing it, I felt so terribly validated in a way I never thought I would hurt...

I wasn’t alone in noticing

I thought I was making things up...he thought he was too

Jewel (7:23 PM) At least you both know you're not imagining things now

Royal (7:24 PM) I still feel like a terrible person, because I still feel so hallow

I just ripped out his heart

I might have just changed his entire fucking plan for life

But I’d rather that, than to have slowly rotted his heart with my artificial sweetener love, and not be able to provide what he deserves, and to get to the point where I resented and hated him because he deserve better than that

Hummingbird (7:27 PM) its  better to have short term pain instead of a life of spite

Jewel (7:27 PM) It's definitely better not to let things sit

Royal (7:27 PM) I know, but it doesn’t make hurt any less

Jewel (7:27 PM) Does this mean you decided to break up through the course of the conversation?

I understand

You do care about him regardless

Hummingbird (7:28 PM) I wont lie, the pain will take a while to pass.

Royal (7:29 PM) He noticed how happy I was talking to the girls/you guys...and how I hadn’t talked to him like that in a long time

He kept asking if he did something wrong. I kept reminding him this was completely me.

I never got into how I was feeling so...invalidated by him, how I felt a disagreement with his points of view, how I was bothered by how he treated me sometimes. Because those weren’t my real reasons at the end of the day, just a bonus.

No matter what, if we’re done tonight or done in a week or stay together forever, we will still be friends

And perhaps, we should have only been friends from the start

Jewel (7:35 PM) That's good. At least there's that, and you're not going to lose him forever.

Royal (7:41 PM) We say that, though, but there’s no guarantee

Trainwreck/Error said we’d be friends...though they are shitty people at the end of the day

I guess, Error and I did mend that relationship before I left

Jewel (7:42 PM) There's never any guarantee about anything, but regardless, having some hope is better than none

It will depend ultimately on how you both feel as time goes by

Kitty (7:37 PM) Catching up now..

Wow, that happened fast

It sounds like you're both ok... Emotionally drained, but ok

At least it's out in the open

Royal (7:38 PM) I asked him to promise me he won’t do something drastic

I know he’s never been a risk case, but I’m an anxious and paranoid person

Royal (7:44 PM) I felt just like that night all those years ago, it was the night after we talked about dating and I had been waiting for our ride after a show, I was laying on his lap and it was so hard NOT to kiss him. I knew I couldn’t and shouldn’t, but I wanted to so bad. As he held me in his arms, both of us laying down, it felt just like that again. For the same and opposite reason as the last...

I’m terrible

Jewel (7:45 PM) I just know you feel like an awful person for feeling the way you do, and I understand why, but it's also understandable how you feel

Royal (7:45 PM) I feel like I used him

Hummingbird (7:50 PM) I don't have the words to comfort you. I wish I could just hold you close.

 I know it can be tough not to lapse into doing what seems automatic. 

You are not terrible. People can fall into and out of love. It happens. You did not use him.

Royal (7:50 PM) At one point I had said, “I’m sorry if I fucked up your life...”

And he responded, “No. You gave me the best moments of it.”

Hummingbird (7:57 PM) You both will heal. It might take a while but you both will heal.  There will be things said either innocently or not that will cause pain.

I know just how tough it is. heck I was in a similar position 3 years ago. 

if you need us we are here :heart:

Kitty (8:02 PM) Yeah, 100%

Jewel (8:32 PM) Sorry I disappeared

Royal (8:37 PM) That’s fine, I did too

*once again, not a group chat, these are separate chats with Hummingbird and Jewel, but I was saying the same thing*

Hummingbird (02/08/19 8:43 AM) I love you!

How are you feeling?

Royal (10:04 AM) Love you too

Hummingbird (10:04 AM) :heart:

Royal (10:23 AM) I just keep feeling really guilty, cuz I don’t know what is or isn’t going to affect him to feel depressed. If seeing Araceli and realizing that now he’ll never be her uncle or that he’ll never have a family with me will set him off. If being around my family is just gonna crush him.

I don’t know and I worry it does. I feel so toxic and crushing to him right now, I put him in such an awkward position

But he can’t just pack up and move out with his family yet, he still has a job

I told him that we don’t have to tell my family anything yet until he’s ready. I didn’t want him to feel like he’s under pressured to leave because of them.

Jewel (10:26 AM) I’m so sorry this is all so much. You both really need time to heal from all of this.

Hummingbird (10:29 AM) The worry and guilt suck.  Not telling fam until he is ready will probably make it easier on him in the short term

As always I am here to listen if you need to vent, and there are lots of snuggles waiting for you  :heart:

Royal (10:27 AM) There’s nothing here that’s not going to remind him of the future I took from him

Hummingbird (10:31 AM) That may be true,  but having fam put extra pressure to move it would only make it worse