#and the knowledge that he can't makes it all the more painful

[lix88888]

That is a very interesting angle! I think that it makes sense that Tuvok would feel bad for hurting Neelix's feeling. To me, the Vulcan approach to rationality is inherently kind: it is born from a desire for peace and harmony, from a rejection of pain and violence as the natural state of things, it says "We don't have to be like this. Through logic, we can make a better world, where cruelty makes no sense and thus has no place."

Also, it probably wasn't written with this in mind, but I can't help but connect the elevator episode with the one in which Tuvok relives his first assignment in Starfleet (under Sulu).

In that time, Tuvok was young and couldn't bear humans and their behaviour. This is what a young Tuvok says to a fellow Ensign

"Ever since I entered the Academy, I've had to endure the egocentric nature of humanity. You believe that everyone in the galaxy should be like you, that we should all share your sense of humour and your human values."

He then later tells Janeway that this was, in part, because he didn't want to actually join Starfleet, but then later changed his mind again in his adulthood

"There were many things I could learn from humans and other species, so I decided to expand my knowledge of the galaxy. Starfleet provided that opportunity."

I feel that this is a very nice contrast to the outburst Neelix has in the elevator episode

"For three years you've ridiculed me and made it obvious to everyone that you have no respect for me. And I've tolerated it. You know why? You know why? Because you are smarter than I am, Tuvok, and more logical, stronger, superior in almost every way. And I admire you. But you don't have any instincts, have any gut feelings, and you don't really understand people."

Neelix is, in a way, making Tuvok confront his bias once again. He's treating Neelix the same way he used to treat his first crewmembers under Sulu, and since Neelix didn't outwardly tell Tuvok he was being a stickler, or a killjoy like a human would, Tuvok didn't concern himself with him. (Maybe, subconsciously, he even thought Neelix was too dumb to understand Tuvok disliked him). Only, to be confronted with the fact that, just like his calm demeanour, Neelix's happiness and cheery behaviour is also a mask in its own way.

[cedarwrought]

im not done with transmasc! wreck actually

(cw for body dysmorphia /internalized transphobia/self harm via unhealthy binding practices)

transmasc! wreck who finds acceptance in a boy who shares his love for heroes. who makes him feel like a boy, and a loved one at that. who nudges his side when they're playing videogames, laughter bubbling in their chests until it bursts from them as "GAME OVER" casts the room red.

transmasc! wreck who binds his chest for too long he sees his vision swimming, breathing caught on a fishhook of his own hatred. who trains and trains and trains to get the right body- the right physique because it just doesn't look right. who whimpers when nice helps him soothe the reddened flesh later on, squeezing his eyes shut as his chest aches worse somehow.

transmasc! wreck who watches the boy he loves kiss a girl on national television. she's pretty. long blonde hair with wide eyes, outfit accented in pink to complement nice's blue. the aggressive heterosexual marketing makes him want to choke. nice looks at her with so much adoration wreck feels sick despite knowing that it's fake. later that night he wonders if it could've been him instead. if he endured the feeling of wrongness in his skin, he could be the one on that screen.

[sweetevoltrap]

Sylus saying "...don't run" to MC when they're finally being openly honest about their desire for one another and their trust and shared spaces.

[kenyummy]

✰ 06. the ballad of a bygone blight.

✰ ꒰ ⍣'ˎ˗ platonic yandere batfam / spider! reader ꒱

✰ 06. take a bite.

SYNOPSIS : being spidey isn't easy. being transported into an alternate universe where you're nothing but a shadow in your house, makes sneaking around a little easier... until you find yourself the apple of their eye... kind of.

note: hi lovelies!!! unmmmmm its been a very hot minute. sorry!!!! my job and uni prep have taken me hostage not to mention math exams woooowweee. im gonna try and be more active now and post a bit more, so hopefully look forward to that!!! also ill answer any asks asap 💞💞 ily all ok muah

prev. ✰ masterlist ✰ next.

You think you mayyy have gotten ahead of yourself. A very slim maybe.

Sure, all these things probably needed to be said at some point, but jeez, you'd never met the guy before. You could've given it at least a day or two. Now, you're stuck in this situation. Cringing at yourself in the mirror, holding back from slamming your head against the mirror to rid yourself of these crippling memories.

Your eyebags—they speak for themselves—and your expression is anything but pleasant.

Last night was awkward. Awkward can't even begin to describe it, actually. It was excruciatingly awful, looking back on it. You have no idea what he is or was thinking, ir even how he acted outside of those diary entries. Maybe these assumptions were wrong. Maybe you were biting off more than you could chew.

(But it was hard to think this way when his expression; his words, they seemed to resonate with it so deeply).

Regardless, you can't dwell on this forever. You have a mission to do. Mission being; not failing school and incurring the wrath of your father. And getting back home. But that was a given.

You barely feel like yourself. You don't even look like you. This house isn't yours, nor are these clothes. The scent you spray onto your body isn't familiar, and even the shampoo on your nightstand is tacky and strange feeling.

All this time, you had never felt this lost. You may not be alone, but in this giant mansion, away from all your friends—you may as well be.

Your siblings were strange and unlikeable to you. You had barely even seen your father since you'd gotten here. Alfred was the only person you seemed to be able to even have a semblance of a normal conversation with. The knowledge is daunting, but not painful. You don't care.

It's all temporary, anyway.

... You hope. But knowing Reed, you'll be back before you can say, Hello, New York.

In a math class you've already done a year ago, you find yourself beginning to doze off with these thoughts plaguing the forefront of your mind. Cheek squished upwards in your hands, you aren't worried.

Your spidey sense is really handy; your head will tingle with that familiar static when the teacher's suspicions grow to large and you've already done your work, anyway.

But Harry doesn't seem to be doing so hot, you note when your eyes snap open and your pen finds a home in the dips of your fingers. As the teacher walks past your seat, you glance back at Harry's spot. Away from you, and on purpose, for sure. (At least, knowing you and your Harry—the amount of mischief whispered behind your hands was impalpable and certainly not appreciated by your teacher.)

He looks distressed by the worksheet in front of him, and small bits of laughter rumble from your chest. You feel gleeful, the best you'd felt from this crummy morning.

Those blue eyes meet yours and are practically screaming for help, to which you have to hide your smile behind a hand. The girl beside you shoots you a confused look, but nevertheless focuses on the math in front of her.

He mouths, Help me. It's a bit difficult the sound the rest out, but you think it's a mix of, This is impossible and I can't do this anymore.

Without much else of a clue on what you could possibly do to help him with that dictator of a math teacher around, you shrug your shoulders.

I'll help you out at lunch, you wordlessly mouth to him back, making a small heart with your index finger and thumb to go along with a sly wink. A teasing gesture, something you'd find yourself doing with your own best friend back home. Nothing more, nothing less.

His cheeks flush with a bright red before he chuckles to himself, lowering his head as if you couldn't still see that he was grinning stupidly to himself. Hand resting at the back of his slim neck and pen limp in his hand, not even pretending like he was actually doing something.

The reality dawns on you again and you turn away.

Once again, your stomach sinks. Not at him. Not at the prospect he thought you were flirting. Just at how, even for a second, you were unable to forget that this was not your home.

Once again, you feel lost in your own skin and nothing about you seems to sit just right.

... Even through your years of crime fighting, even through the hate and backlash from the public, even when a Skrull had stolen your face and you had looked yourself dead in the eye—not once have you felt as estranged as you have now.

"I hate teen drama." MJ moans dramatically, draping her arms on your shoulders and slumping, putting all her body weight onto you and you find yourself having to cling to her shoulders to keep her upright. If you didn't have that enhanced strength, you think you'd fall right down with her.

Harry slams his locker door shut and shoots her an amused look, "What happened now? That guy you were talking to ended up having a girlfriend after all?"

"Even worse." She tilts her head up to look at him from where it still lay against your shoulder, cheek smushing against the fabric of your shirt, "His ex is cuckoo. Like seriously,"

She spin her index finger around her head and then knocks against it with a closed fist. "There's something up with her. She hasn't stopped glaring at me since third period. I think she actually wants to kill me."

"That makes two of us," you speak, pushing her up so that it doesn't look like she's trying to fuse into you Steven Universe style.

She crosses her arms and frowns, red brows narrowing down at you, "I'm serious! What are you gonna do if I die? You can't take the comedic relief out of an already-established trio."

"You think you're the comedic relief?" Harry asks, genuinely surprised. MJ doesn't seem to take this too kindly—understandably.

You'd say you're pretty funny. Or your version of yourself, that is... this you. You aren't sure about the other you. Seemed pretty glum, but you digress. You'd be mad at the world if you were born here too, as harsh as that sounds.

Students pour out around you and you hear the bell chime around you. The day is over, as fast as it began. Too bad. You almost found yourself enjoying school.

Because at least that meant you didn't have to go back home, a place where you felt the least like yourself than anywhere.

"[name]?"

A hand waving itself in front of your face makes you blink back to reality, staring up at its owner. Harry looks concerned, an expression you think you've been seeing a lot of on his face and it's ridiculously defined cheekbones lately. "Are you okay? You spaced out again."

Again? Has this been happening lately? You hadn't even realised. Even your base instincts, your enhanced senses, hadn't even snapped you out of it.

"I'm okay. Sorry. Just uh..." You press your lips tightly together, gaze lowering. "Having some trouble at home."

You say, and you really don't want to elaborate.

"Is it with your brothers again?" MJ speaks softly, quietly, even though there's barely anybody left in the hallways after school hours. Your eyes widen a tad. You're sure you'd never told them anything, and you guessed this original you wasn't too keen on sharing their personal life either, so...

"How...?"

"They're not exactly subtle in sending you to the poor school then never bothering to pick you up in one of their fancy cars." MJ rolls her eyes. "You literally take the public bus home. Bruce Wayne's kid. It doesn't really take a genius to figure it out."

You chew down on your lip. They're right. It's not as subtle as you thought. A strong pair of arms wrap around you and your face heats up when your chin digs into Harry's woollen sweater.

"[name], we don't care. Their loss. You don't need them, you have us. Always, no matter what."

... Does he think you're upset about this? Embarrassed? Really, you aren't. But the gesture is sweet and you really do love your friends, so you don't hesitate to hug him right back.

"Thanks," you murmur, eyes not meeting his as MJ places a soft hand on your shoulder. Maybe you should be sad? It's a bit unnatural to appear so stoic when you talk about something like this, no? "But it's fine. It doesn't bother me anymore. You're right. I have you guys, and you two are more than enough."

"Since when did you get so good with words?" MJ slyly eyes you up and down, thoroughly amused. "You know, the old you would've just told us it's nothing and everything's okay. What happened?"

A smile forms across your lips. This time—a real one. "I guess I just had an epiphany. Not even my ego's more important to me than you guys."

My family.

You walk out through the gates laughing. A few other students still surround the building and even fewer walk out behind you and your friends—probably those bothered enough to take up after school tutoring programs and clubs and anything of the sort.

The ones that linger at the gate are frantically texting on their phones—probably spamming their parents to hurry and pick them up, because it was starting to get cold again. The clouds fog up the clear sky and blocks the sunlight from hitting the ground, so the world around you is dim as well. Not a good look for Gotham.

"We're so gonna get jumped." MJ blurts out, gripping the straps of her bag tightly. "Me and [name], I mean. You're totally safe, Harry. You and that driver of yours. Tell him I said hi, by the way."

"You're throwing shade now? I told you both you're welcome to drive with us if you want to."

You shake your head, no matter how much MJ's eyes brighten. "You live all the way on the other side of Gotham. We don't want to bother you. We all know how your dad gets when you slack on your homework."

Harry hums, "Yeah, but he likes you both, so it cancels out."

"Norman likes me?" MJ looks positively flabbergasted at this news, as if she hadn't even considered it before. "He always gives me the strangest smiles. I thought he secretly wanted me out of your life."

"Trust me, if he wanted you out, he wouldn't keep it a secret." Harry sighs, exasperated. "Actually, he respects you a bunch. He's seen you on TV a few times with your reporting work experience. Dad thinks you're the kind of reporter this city actually needs."

MJ places a hand over her heart, as if it were suddenly warmed by this strange act of kindness showed by The Normal Osborn.

A loud rev grabs all of your attention before you can even think of what to ask next. Whether Norman liked you, or even superheroes in general. Whether the Green Goblin was even a thing. So many questions, and such little time.

You turn to where the obnoxious bike noise came from, and your blood runs cold. All warning signals in your head go off and you can't help but instinctively ball up your fists.

Your (?) brother. Jason. He sits atop a stationary motorcycle, a strange smile atop his lips and a black helmet snug under his bicep. He's wearing a black biker outfit you'd never once ever imagine would exist in real life and MJ is literally gawking.

His eyes seem to have caught yours before you'd even noticed he were there. Now, when you're staring at him in such dumb looking shock—he gestures toward you, "C'mon. I'm takin' you home today."

"Wh... what...?" You splutter, fingers digging into the toughness of your palm. "Why? Nobody said anything about..."

Jason swings his leg over the seat of the motorcycle and adjusts his rear view mirror absent-mindedly, "Spur of the moment. I wanted to spend more time with you."

Harry and MJ, from beside you, coo quietly at you, teasingly. Despite your love for your friends, you really wished they could see the dread slowly seeping into your skin.

You feel like you're on your last leg when you conjure up the lamest excuse you could possibly come up with. "... I don't have a helmet. It's not safe."

"You're with me. You think I'll let anything happen while I'm here?" His words are sweet, like those of a regular elder brother. Normal sounding, to your friends who give you a small nudge to your side.

But you know better. You've seen him covered in sticky crimson blood and you've seen the shiny metal of the mask that covers his face.

You know that his words aren't as sweet as they are a promise. A promise you're entirely sure he is willing to uphold and keep at any means.

... But what can you say? Nothing that won't give away his identity, or even your entire family's. You're left in a corner, with nowhere to go but forward. Right into the lion's den.

Taking his hand feels more like a sort of demonic deal with the devil than it probably should've. Still, his gloved fingers wrap around your own, carefully and practised, with all the warmth of a human and all the delicacy of an older brother.

He slips his helmet on as you settle behind him on the seat, tentatively holding him so you don't go flying back. "Hold on tight. You're not gonna fall, trust me."

You know you won't, and even if you do, you'll be fine. Still, when he revvs up the engine and drives off into the cool Gotham air, you feel a strange hardness of your limbs start to build.

The wind bites at your cheeks as he revvs his bike up. Your arms are wrapped snugly around his waist, leather feeling rough under your fingertips. Despite the physical need to hang onto him so you don't go tumbling off the seat, you find yourself wanting to put as much physical distance between you and Jason as possible.

Your head is awkwardly bent back so it isn't squished against his back, and you have a feeling he's a bit miffed about this fact. That you're still so unwilling to be beside him. But that's just your guess. You'll never know what he's thinking with that helmet blocking out each expression and his head facing straight to the road.

Even with this concentration, he still decides to speak. "Didn't know you were still friends with that guy. Harvey?"

"Harry," you correct him, though you aren't sure why.

"Yeah. Harry. That rich kid who gave up the exhilarating life of Gotham Prep to go to school with you." Jason's tone is light, and he doesn't seem to be too serious with his words. He's trying to make conversation, and it's strange, because you can tell he isn't really sure on how to do it. "I always thought he was good for you. He hasn't got a stick up his ass like the rest of those snobs at Bruce's galas."

"At least you approve of him," you say quietly. Barely even hearing yourself over the sound of the wind hitting your ears.

"That's more than you can say for a lot of those other brats you used to hang out with, you know." He almost sounds amused, despite how dead your tone was. "Hated all of them. These two ain't bad."

You wonder what those so-called brats were like. Other rich children all couped up together for the sole fact they're all born from wealth? Jason not liking them didn't really discern much about them to you, because you got the impression Jason didn't like many people.

You had the impression Jason didn't like you. But looking at your situation now, you couldn't be furthur from the truth, it seemed.

Silence fills the space between you both for a bit. Driving down the busy highways into darkening skies, as the clouds start to grey and the sun waves its last goodbye. When there no longer lay any witness but the moon itself, watching over the crime-riddled streets of Gotham, where you, somehow, were taken away from without a second thought.

Red fills the sky. Red, like Jason's helmet—not currently being worn, but an image you could never really remove from your head when you'd look at him.

Red, like your suit. Red, like the blood flowing through your veins. It colours the ground above you and will eventually turn into an array of violet hues. That's how it all concludes, in the end.

Jason takes a turn off the busy street and it goes quiet. He slows down a bit to match the speed limit—which feels strangely out of character for him, but you digress. He takes this opportunity to finally have his voice be heard above the onomatopoeia of cars and angry honks of the drivers within them.

"... This is nice. Never picked you up from school like this, huh?" Despite not being able to see him from where you sit behind his back—you can practically feel his smile. "We should do this more. How do you even get home usually, anyway? Alfred never goes around these parts."

... You debate on telling him or not, but assume it doesn't matter whether you do or not in the end. If he wants he know, he'll just find out. No use in delaying the inevitable. "I take the public bus."

If he could stop in the middle of driving, he would. Even if he was driving, without a car behind him, you're sure he'd brake abruptly and send you flying off the bike. His hand twitches around the handle and panic is sent flaring through your nerves like electricity. "What? You actually go on that shit?"

You know he probably didn't mean for it to sound the way it did, but you're annoyed nonetheless. "Well, not like I had much of a choice. Would you rather me walk the way?"

His lack of a response tells you all you need to know. You aren't keen on continuing this conversation, so for now, it's just silence.

Slipping off the motorcycle, you shake the wind out of your hair and brush down your clothes. Jason barely even looks at you as he places his helmet on the table beside the front door and slips the keys into his jacket pocket.

"Thanks for driving me." Despite your... complicated feelings towards him and the rest of your family, you are a polite person. Your aunt had always raised you right like this. "But you don't have to worry about doing something like this again... I'm fine taking the bus."

You say, with all the subtlety of a man dying of thirst. Practically yelling for him to just leave you the fuck alone. At least putting it in a mildly kind way.

He hums, expression unreadable to you. Then, he smiles. A stark change in his features from when you'd first gotten a glimpse of that contempt face. When you'd first saw him. "Don't be so humble, okay? I'll take you home every day from now on. Even if there's crime, I'll finish it up quick and we can ride home together. Just you, and me. With your big brother. That's fine, right?"

... You didn't realise when he had started moving closer to you while speaking, but now he was standing right in front of you, a hand on your shoulder and a dangerous glint in his eye (that, yoy aren't sure even registers to him at all).

Your brain buzzes with static sirens. Warning. Yelling for you to run away, move, fight him, do anything except stand there frozen like a deer in headlights. Fingers twitching with the urge to punch, claw get away—but you don't.

You grip the sides of your shirt, knuckles feeling weak under the pressure. No longer can you force the words you want to say out of your mouth. "... You don't have to bother. I'm serious."

He smiles. "Alright. I have some errands to run. Wasn't supposed to be here today, anyway." Changing his biker helm out for his signature red one, he pats your shoulder a few times before walking past you. "Goodnight, [name]. Don't stay up too late, yeah? Study for that test you got."

You can't even begin to question how he knows you have a test coming up when you're sure you'd never told him, when the thought pops up in your head that no, he absolutely did not listen to you. And yes, he absolutely will continue to keep waiting outside your school for you to drive you home with uncomfortable conversation.

You almost fall over in the hall's entrance when Jason shuts the front door behind him. You shove your face into your hands, squeezing your eyes shut and willing the memories of that drive into the back of your mind, where you wouldn't have to think about it.

But... he is right. You do have that test, and that simple fact is the reason why you pick yourself up, just as Spidey does, and decide to go to your room. Down the first living room, into the kitchen and dining room, and past—

"W—whoa!"

You're going to cry. You genuinely might start bawling. After that godawful moment, you've now crashed straight into a fucking brick wall. A moving one, at that. ... But it can't be just brick, because you think your nose is starting to bleed from the impact (if the warmth dripping down your chin is anything to go by), and you've slammed head first into concrete before with no reaction.

Just what the hell is—

"Shit!" A guy's voice curses. Unfamiliar, different from anything you'd heard here in this house before. When you crack open your eyelids, you see... Shaggy black hair, a very strange style of clothes, and the brightest blue of eyes you'd ever seen. "Shit, I'm so sorry! I should've looked where I was going—"

"Kon? What—"

Tim's face pops up from behind him just as you stand up on your own two feet, and the look on his face is something you can't even begin to describe. As soon as he gets an eyeful of you, and sees the trail of red seeping slowly from your nose down to your chin—where it drops down to the floorboards below—his entire demeanour shifts.

Subtly, but not subtle enough. At least, not to you. You don't think this Kon notices it.

"What happened here? What did you do to my sibling?"

Kon raises his hands in defence, eyes widening, "I'm so sorry, I didn't look where I was going, and—"

"Are you serious?!" Tim's brows furrow deeply and he almost growls like a damn dog as he sneers, "You hurt my sister, and all you can say is that you didn't look where you were going? Don't be stupid, Kon!"

"Look, I'm really sorry—it was an accident. Why are you getting so worked up—"

"You made her nose fucking bleed, dumbass! You know she's not like the rest of us! I told you to be careful around her, and look what you've done!"

Before Tim can tweak out even worse, you speak up, in the most monotone voice you can manage. "I'm okay. Don't worry. I'll just go clean it up."

The two boys look to you in shock, seeing a tissue already shoved up your nose and your face clean of any bloodstains. Void of anything except the drip of red on your shirt.

"But... But—" Tim's tone wavers a little as he steps closer, "What if it's broken? I'll help you—"

You hold your hand out, stopping him in his tracks as it collides with his chest. Shaking your head, you clench your jaw to try and alleviate the throbbing pain. "It's not broken. It's just injured. I'm okay."

The boy with piercings—Kon—he presses his fingers into his palm from his face behind Tim, looking rather guilty. "Sorry, um... Kon. I didn't look where I was going, either. That's my bad."

That name sounds strange to say in your mouth, and Kon himself seems surprised to hear you say it. "No, no, it was my bad. I'm so sorry, [name]."

His expression and words were genuine, enough so that your head starts to clear from its panic and you feel a sense of calmness finally wash over you.

But, your fingers still twitch when Tim gives you a forlorn look of almost longing.

You don't say another word, rushing past them snd going to your room—where you could bury your face into your pillow and pretend like none of this existed. Where you could climb out the window, suit clinging to your frame, and become the you that you'd always loved most.

The one who was free, swinging through the skies and cutting the wind like it meant nothing to you. The you that only ever felt like the real one.

And even if just for a moment, you could believe that this was your only you.

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taglist is open!

[100vern]

ex-conomics | csc

you supported seungcheol through years of being an aspiring athlete, and all you got to show for it was your undergraduate degree and an awkward, stuttered apology when he dumped you to go semi-pro. now he’s back after an injury derailed his career, and there’s only one problem: you’re the only one available to tutor him. you - 0; the universe - 1. talk about no return on investment.

⚽ pairing: choi seungcheol x f. reader ⚽ genre: exes to (lite) enemies to lovers; university au; angst, fluff ⚽ rating: while there is nothing explicit in this fic, there are two brief references to smut. while i can't stop anyone from reading this, i would prefer minors do not interact with this or any of my work. ⚽ warnings: cheol is some degree of famous, reader is a grad student/TA, mentions of an injury and coping with the aftermath of it, lots of economics talk that even i do not understand, swearing, one mention of alcohol, some misplaced jealousy, rom-com tropes, dino is kind of a loser but we love him anyway. probably a lot of other things i missed, but this is actually pretty tame for a fic of this length. ⚽ word count: 13.4k ⚽ thank you: a lot of people looked this over for me in the process and i'm sure i will forget some of them so if i do i'm sorry: @the-boy-meets-evil, @hot-soop, @highvern, and @haologram, who also gave me some wonderful ideas for the vlogs. thank you to MIT for opencourseware existing. i took microeconomics and dropped it, so i couldn't have done this without you. everyone in the discord server for helping me along the way and keeping me motivated. ⚽ author's note: i haven't posted a fic in nearly seven months, so i think it goes without saying that there are parts of this i like and a lot more i'm not 100% happy with. i'd love if this was more fleshed out and 10k longer, but i was able to write anything at all so it's good enough. this was written for the back to school with seventeen collab, hosted by @camandemstudios. thank you both for letting me participate! please make sure to check out the rest of the stories! everyone worked so hard and this collab was a ton of fun to participate in. <3

You look down at the paper. Back up at who handed it to you. Down at the paper again.

“You’ve got to be joking.”

The poor freshman kid laughs, all nerves, and even though the sound is grating, you remember what it’s like to be forced into work study. How far away graduate school seemed; how large your professors loomed over you with all their power and knowledge and credentials; how you constantly felt like the dumbest person in nearly every room you walked into for four straight years.

“Um—”

You sigh, just barely resisting the urge to slam your head onto your desk. “I—it’s fine, don’t worry about it.” Your words do little to ease Freshman’s nerves. He’s still hunched over in the doorway of your office, wringing his hands as he shifts his weight back and forth, in for a lifetime of body pain with the way he’s squaring his shoulders. “You’re sure about this, though? Like, I’m really not being set up?”

“I don’t think so?” he offers, slowly starting to turn green right before your eyes. “Dr. Lee ga-gave me the paperwork himself, I don’t think he would’ve messed it up? Oh no, did I mess it up? Should I go back to Student Services and conf—”

Good god, this kid’s anxiety is gonna stink up your office for weeks. “No need!” you interject. “I’ll just…” Sign it, you want to say, but the longer you stare at the sheet of paper the quicker you’re losing your resolve.

TUTORING REQUEST FORM Student Name: Choi Seungcheol Degree: Undergraduate Major: Business Course: ECON04101 Introduction to Microeconomics Instructor: Lee Yeonseok, PhD. Recommended Tutoring: High (3-4 hours per week)

You curse under your breath. Of the two names on the paper, Dr. Lee’s does not come as a surprise. He’s a notorious hard-ass with an infamous attrition rate—most students don’t last more than a week in any of his classes—but he’s also the sole reason you were able to pay for someof your grad school tuition out of pocket with all the tutoring money you made.

That, however, was two years ago.

“Does he know I don’t tutor anymore?” Stupid question. The kid stares blankly back at you, as if to say I don’t know any more than the people in Student Services, let alone Dr. Lee. It is literally my first year here. “I’m Dr. Ahn’s TA this year. I’ve got my hands full with her bullsh… stuff—”

Immediately, you know you’ve said something wrong, because the kid’s eyes light up, all that previous anxiety disappearing like smoke. “Wait, the same Dr. Ahn that teaches the crypto course?”

“No, that one died,” you say quickly. Kid deflates. “Anyway, I don’t really tutor anymore, especially for econ. As you can see”—you gesture vaguely around the cramped four walls of your office—“they’ve upgraded me. They even put my name on a little placard by the door! Go look! They spelled it wrong! If that doesn’t sum up this university I don’t know what does.”

You heave another sigh. Try to school your face and tone into something that exudes professionalism and finality. “Look, I’m sorry I can’t help you. I tutored Dr. Lee’s students for, like, three years in undergrad so I’m sure they just… forgot that wasn’t my actual job here. Who’s in charge of tutoring these days? I’ll shoot them an email and explain all this.”

Freshman gives you a name, and it takes less than a second to find them in the employee directory. You expect that to be the end of it, but he’s still taking up space in your doorway. You quirk an eyebrow. “Yes?”

The hand-wringing returns, along with an embarrassed flush that disappears beneath the neckline of his school-branded sweatshirt. “I just—um. Maybe you could, uh. Send that now? Before I get back there?”

You blink. “Don’t you have to go all the way back across campus? How slow do you think I type?” He shrugs, and you give up on the idea of getting rid of him. “Fine. What’s your name, anyway?”

“Lee Chan. I’m a sophomore. Do you know that guy?”

“Oh. I thought for sure you were a freshman, but you’re gonna need to be more specific, Lee Chan, Sophomore.”

“The guy they want you to tutor.” You freeze. The guy they want you to tutor is—“Choi Seungcheol,” Chan tacks on, and, yeah, you know—knew, you correct yourself—someone with that name, once upon a time.

But there are a lot of Chois and a lot of Seungcheols. It’s been years since you’ve spoken to the Seungcheol you knew, and that was when he’d broken up with you to—“I heard he’s a football player? Well, used to be, I guess. The girls in the office were freaking out so I guess he’s pretty famous, but I don’t know anything about sports, do you? They said they have photocards of him. I thought they only did that for idols.”

You think about being kids together in Daegu. Think about the exasperated looks you’d share when your parents would drag the two of you to festivals: Palgongsan in the autumn, Biseulsan in the spring; transformation and rebirth. Think about being eight years old and watching your father cram into the small space of the Chois’ living room, standing around the TV with Seungcheol’s dad, shouting at Park Jonghwan. Daegu FC made the FA Cup quarterfinals that year, and you think, of everything, that’s what you’ll remember for the rest of your life.

You think about falling in love slowly. Sixteen and clueless, the pair of you were. Didn’t really know any different, just that you’d look at him and feel butterflies. That you’d hold hands in secret. Text beneath the dinner table. That you’d watch him on the football pitch and be consumed by pride. That the future felt impossibly far away, that life would never catch up to the two of you.

You think about all the football jargon you didn’t understand—the academies, the teams, the implications. You think about, I’m thinking about trying out for the FC Seoul U-18, I just don’t think there’s much more I can do here in Daegu. You think about replying, Oh, I applied to university there.

You remember thinking it must’ve been fate, how easy that had worked out. How easy that first hurdle had been overcome.

You think about how fast everything happened. The try-out, the acceptance, the explosion. Remember being unable to go anywhere those first few months without seeing Seungcheol’s face, touted as the next big thing. Think about applying for scholarships when he was applying for international visas. Think about studying for midterms when Seungcheol was studying English for interviews.

You think about the last few weeks of your relationship, when it felt like you were desperately trying to cling to ghosts. Think about how Seoul had once felt endlessly big, both in opportunity and size, and how it now felt suffocating. You think about, So you’re just giving up? Is that what you’re saying? Think about, I don’t know what else to do. It doesn’t feel fair to you.

You think about all the places you’ve watched him. On countless football pitches; shy glances in school hallways; in the passenger seat, wracked with nerves on the drive to Seoul; poised above you in bed, hairline dotted with sweat as he rolled his hips, telling you how much he loved you.

You think about watching him walk out the door, and how you never watched him again.

So you fire off your email, concise and to the point about why you can’t tutor Choi Seungcheol in Introduction to Microeconomics, and turn to Lee Chan, Sophomore.

“No,” you finally answer. “Never heard of him.”

For all intents and purposes, your rejection should’ve been the end of it.

A few days go by. You hold office hours, attend lectures, work on your thesis when you have both the time and the energy. Try to ignore the feeling of bees beneath your skin, anxiety needling each time you check your email. You were well within your right to decline the tutoring request, but you can’t help but feel like you’ve done something wrong. That someone somehow knows who Seungcheol was to you and will pull you up on it. That those girls who’d gushed about him to Chan are somewhere laughing at your expense.

But you don’t hear anything at all about it… until you do.

Sunday evening. You haven’t moved from your couch in hours, some variety show playing in the background, barely audible over your keyboard clacking. Much to your detriment, you don’t write many papers these days, so you’re out of practice. Feels like you haven’t done anything besides formulas in years, all of your academic knowledge reduced to fucking math, so you’re about ready to toss your laptop out the window long before the email even comes through.

You see, From: Lee Yeonseok. You see, Subject: Choi Seungcheol - Tutoring.

Your stomach plummets to the floor.

You scan the body quickly. You see the words personal favor… friend of his father… urgent matter… and your hands start shaking. Whether it’s from the sheer audacity of this man or anxiety, you aren’t sure, but it’s not like it matters. There aren’t a whole lot of people on campus brave or dumb enough to go up against him twice.

“Motherfucker,” you spit, bitter the only taste in your mouth.

Where did you go wrong to wind up here? You’d followed the script: got the grades, passed the exams, received half of the required education for the Respectable Career, helped a few others along the way chase dreams that may or may not have been their own. You’d fallen in love. Only had a broken heart to show for it, but that’d been in the script, too: The First Love, followed by The First Heartbreak.

The split from Seungcheol was supposed to have been the end of that chapter. You’d planned on never seeing him again, and you never would have, had it been up to you. Apparently the universe has other plans, participation required.

“Did you spill onion dip on the rug again?” You startle, sending your laptop flying. Kaori, your roommate, is perched halfway in between the living room and the kitchen like a cryptid, clearly not expecting your reaction. “Oh. Were you watching porn?”

Face burning, you fetch your laptop from the floor. “In a common area? Kaori, please, I have far more decorum than that.”

She snorts, resuming her trek to the fridge. “See, that’s what I thought, but then I walked out here and you threw your laptop so fast it was like watching my ex get caught watching furry porn all over again.” She pries the lid off a large container of yogurt. “You think this is still good?”

“Dunno. What’s it smell like?”

She sniffs it and pulls it back to check the label. “Vanilla, I think, which is concerning because it’s supposed to be strawberry.”

You shrug. “What’s the worst that can happen, you get extra”—you pause, trying to remember the correct order of things, before giving up entirely—“...biotics?”

“Mm, so close. Care if I just eat this with a spoon?”

Nose scrunched, you wave her off. “Couldn’t pay me to eat yogurt on a good day, let alone if it’s expired. All yours, babe.”

Spoon in hand and a pleased smile on her face, Kaori collapses onto the couch beside you. You try to return your attention to your paper, try to find your momentum again, and it works for all of ten minutes before you’re groaning and slamming the top closed.

You don’t even need to look over to know Kaori’s staring. “What’s up with you?” she asks. Before she can answer: “Wait, is this serious? Because I can’t have a serious conversation in this t-shirt.” You steal a glance sideways. Ask Me About My Hemorrhoid! it says, and you exhale loudly. “Don’t breathe at me, I lost a bet.”

“And continued wearing it?”

She jokingly rolls her eyes. “God forbid a girl has hobbies.” Nudges you with her foot. “C’mon, spill.”

Kaori doesn’t know about you and Seungcheol. Most people don’t, aside from a few old classmates from Daegu who found you on social media and tried befriending you once he started making a name for himself in Seoul. After that, it was just easier to keep things private while you were together. New friends knew you were seeing someone but not their name or how long you’d been together. Any curiosity surrounding why the Choi Seungcheol was following you on Insta had been waved away easily. Our parents are friends, we grew up together. Then you broke up, and there wasn’t any evidence to delete, and he wasn’t following you on Instagram anymore, and it was easier that way.

So, yeah—even though you hadn’t met her until years later, Kaori knows you have an ex. She knows you’ve had a few flings and situationships in the time since, too, and it’s why she’s none the wiser when you ask, “It’s nothing, really. Just—do you follow football at all?”

“Nah, not really. The new guy’s pretty into it and keeps trying to get me to watch the games with him, but it’s so fucking boring? I dunno, I can’t get into it. Not in real life, anyway—I binged all of Captain Tsubasa in an embarrassingly short amount of time, though. Why?”

“Student Services asked me to tutor someone the other day and I had to turn it down. I just don’t have the time, you know? This semester’s already killer, and Dr. Ahn’s been riding my ass nonstop about grades. Turns out it’s some football player, so Dr. Lee emailed me asking me to do it as a personal favor, which means, on top of all the other shit I have to do, I’m now tutoring some football player four hours a week in Microeconomics.”

Her face distorts. “God, that guy’s such a prick. Like wow, you’re good at the economy! Good for you! Who cares! Why don’t you go balance the national debt or something instead of torturing university freshmen!”

You also wrongly assume that’s the last you’ll hear of it from Kaori.

Two days later, after Student Services replies to your email with the days and times you’ll be tutoring Seungcheol, she materializes in the living room to harass you.

“You didn’t tell me your football player was Choi Seungcheol.”

The panic is instant. You know how she means it, but it’s not how your body interprets it. All of a sudden it feels like an interrogation, an accusation, and a whopping serving of guilt takes up residence in the middle of your chest for not being entirely honest.

“Explains this weird text Ken sent me.”

She slides her phone over to you, open to her text thread with her current flavor of the week. Beneath an article about Seungcheol enrolling in classes at your school:

doesn’t ur roomie TA there Why are you calling her “ur roomie” like you don’t know her name?? Rude. Also yes. ask her to get me an autograph No babe pls he was my fav player before he got injured No 🙄 fine. can i come over later? Starting to think you’re using me for my roommate. Get your own job 🙄

You hand her phone back. “I didn’t think you’d know who Choi Seungcheol even is.” It’s the best you can do, even though it just digs you a deeper grave. “You said you’re not into football.”

“I’m not, but unfortunately I am into that stupid man.” She sighs, wistful and longing. “Babe, you have to understand. His dick is so big.”

You hadn’t wanted to stay in Seoul for your graduate degree, let alone the same university you’d gone to for undergrad.

You’d applied to schools all over—Japan, Europe, even a few in the States. Romanticized the hell out of NYU, went window shopping for an overpriced apartment, picked a favorite pizzeria based on nothing but vibes and online reviews. In those few months after graduation, there wasn’t a whole lot tying you to Seoul. Your and Seungcheol’s relationship had been old history by then, your parents split. Your dad stayed in your childhood home and your mother moved a few hours closer to her sister. They’d waited until your brother was old enough to be out of the house.

And it’d just been… a lot. Overwhelming. Some days you could barely shower or feed yourself, let alone move halfway across the world, so you’d stayed in the familiar and tried not to let it feel like failure.

But the good thing about familiarity is you learn its tricks, figure out the hiding spots. Early on, your first or second week of grad school, you laid claim to a study room on a floor of the library everyone else ignored. You write notes on the whiteboard with faded blue markers that are still there days later. The chair on the opposite side of the table is always exactly where you left it, the space between it and the table enough to only accommodate you. Sometimes you leave books—old paperbacks littered with notes in your writing—or papers, just to see if they move.

They never do.

And all of this is why it feels like a punch to the gut when that sanctity is tainted. When you’re halfway through a stack of Dr. Ahn’s exams and the doorknob rattles behind you. When you don’t even need to turn around to know who it is, because he still sounds the same, still has that overwhelming presence. You’ve always sensed him before you felt him.

“There you are,” Dr. Lee says, ambling into the room before you can protest. He, too, is overwhelming, just in different ways. Immaculate posture that anchors his slight frame that’s always dressed impeccably and expensively. Wears a watch that’s triple your tuition. Shoes polished so bright they’re nearly blinding. “I’ve been looking all over for you.”

This time it is an accusation.

Well, you found me, you want to say, but just knowing Seungcheol is behind him, lingering in that half-study room, half-hallway space, is enough to keep you quiet. Like if you speak you’ll summon him closer and you’ll no longer be able to pretend this is nothing more than a nightmare.

You plaster on a polite smile. Say, “Ah, here I am, kyosu-nim,” and put all your energy into trying to glue Seungcheol to the floor with your mind.

Which is fruitless, because Dr. Lee moves further into the room. Gestures for Seungcheol to follow him with an impatient huff, and the study room is small, sure, and with three people it feels cramped, but that’s not the reason it feels like all the air’s been sucked out of the room.

Seungcheol looks… different. He looks as anxious as you feel, and he sticks close to the wall like he’s trying to disappear. Dr. Lee introduces him with grave importance, unaware of your history, and the forced smile he offers you almost looks embarrassed.

You know Dr. Lee is still hammering away, probably giving you a stern talking-to for rejecting his request the first time, but you can’t tear your eyes away from Seungcheol. Feels like the world around you has reduced to a pinhead, all hyperfocus; feels like your lungs are sucking in stale air one at a time.

“...his father is a very good friend of mine, so I expect…”

You expected to feel nothing. Seungcheol had left to chase his dream—one you’d always been so supportive of that it sometimes felt like your dream, too—and, perhaps naively, you thought the distance and the years would’ve been enough. You expected your heart to have hardened. You expected all those nights you spent crying to hit you at full force. You expected anger, hurt—indifference, at the very least.

“...as many hours per week as you both can manage…”

But you should’ve known better. Should’ve expected the butterflies, the way your palms grow clammy, the way your heart rate spikes. Should’ve expected everything to feel upside-down. You should’ve expected to look at Seungcheol and feel sixteen and in love all over again.

“...you are responsible for his academic progress…”

And that simply will not do. You’ve spent the last few years pulling yourself out of that hole, clawing your way back to something resembling normal. You’ve purged the thought of him from your mind—let his scent fade from your sheets, an old sweatshirt he’d left behind; forgot the way his lips felt against every inch of your skin; forgot the way his entire being lit up when he laughed; forgot the safety he encompassed, the way he whispered all those sweet nothings.

You cannot go there again.

So you roll your shoulders back, smile politely. Say, “Ah, kyosu-nim, Choi Seungcheol-ssi seems very intelligent, I’m sure he is capable of being responsible for his own academic standing, don’t you think?”

Dr. Lee cannot disagree without all but calling Seungcheol an idiot, so he hovers before you in shocked silence. Makes a show of huffing and checking his watch, like he’s all of a sudden remembered he’s late for something and being inconvenienced by this conversation he started, and then he’s halfway out of the library with a terse, “Discuss and figure this out amongst yourselves,” thrown over his shoulder.

You have an entire dramatic exit planned in your head. Gather your things, fake a phone call that makes you sound authoritative and important, and brush past Seungcheol wearing your nicest perfume as if all of this is so far beneath you you can’t even bring yourself to care about it.

Of course, you actually have to brush by him for any of that to happen, and since you’ve already decided you will not go there again, you quickly scribble your email address onto a piece of paper and slide it across the table at Seungcheol, who has steadfastly remained planted just outside the door. “Here’s my email. I don’t have time to discuss this right now.” Seungcheol cocks an eyebrow. You start throwing things into your bag haphazardly. You know you look frantic and affected, but there’s not much you can do about that. “What? Send me a copy of your syllabus and what you want to prioritize. It’ll be easier to get through this if we have a plan instead of winging it.”

He seems to catch on to your distaste because he mirrors it. Scoffs as he rolls his eyes and says, “Yeah, no use spending more time together than we have to,” and if you hadn’t gone years without speaking, you would’ve seen right through it.

But you did, so it stings all the same.

As it typically does, the planet keeps spinning after your run-in with Seungcheol.

You grade Dr. Ahn’s coursework. Try running off your anxiety at the gym, even though it’s pretty good at keeping pace with you these days. You meet Kaori’s maybe-boyfriend sneaking out of your apartment early in the morning and he has the good sense not to mention your ex, but you chalk that up to the mess of hickeys covering his neck and not any sense of social decorum.

Other people’s embarrassment saves you a ton of your own, you’ve come to learn.

Throughout all of this, Seungcheol only emails you once to send you his course syllabus. Doesn’t mention tutoring or provide you with his schedule or ask for yours, so when you’re sitting in a bar with your friends, three or four drinks deep and feeling a little petty, you forward him the original tutoring request and make sure to bold, underline, and highlight the “Recommended Tutoring: High” part for good measure.

He doesn’t take your bait—electronically, at least—but he does show up to your office hours the following Tuesday.

Bag tossed onto the floor, he flops unceremoniously into the chair across from you and says, in lieu of a greeting, “They spelled your name wrong. On the door thing.”

“I know,” you reply, your smile polite and terse. Incredible how he has the ability to raise your blood pressure in milliseconds. “What can I help you with?”

“Depends. How long do you have?”

“Well, considering you’ve shown up to my office hours on time, I’m assuming you already know I’m here every Tuesday and Thursday from four to six. So”—you glance at the clock above the door—“assuming no one comes by who needs my help more than you do, you have approximately one hour and fifty-eight minutes.”

Seungcheol is quiet for a moment as he takes you in. His stare is weighted; it makes you feel a little green around the edges. Clinical and sharp, so far removed from the way he used to look at you. You clear your throat. “I looked over your syllabus. The good news is there’s only a midterm and a final and the rest is problem sets. The bad news is there’s only a midterm and a final so they’re weighted quite heavily. You really need to know this stuff inside-out to have any hope of passing.”

“That’s why you’re here, right? Dr. Lee specifically requested you.”

You huff a breath through your nose. “I’m here as supplemental help. I can’t take your exams or do your readings for you. What else are you taking this semester?”

He sighs, sinking further into the chair, very much playing the part of the heir who has no interest in any of this. Which… is unlike him, you think, if you’re even allowed to. The Seungcheol you knew years ago took everything so seriously. Never clipped corners or took shortcuts. Anyone else would think him a spoiled, petulant child. “Business Accounting and International Trade.”

“Could be worse,” you note. “At least those three courses are tangentially related.”

Seungcheol rolls his eyes. “Easy for you to say. I haven’t taken a fucking math class in years.”

You return it. “You remember how to add and subtract, don’t you?”

“I ruptured my ACL, not my…” He trails off, looking a little embarrassed that he can’t name a part of the—“Brain.”

Whatever you were going to quip back with dies on your tongue. It's the first time Seungcheol has broached the topic of his injury—the first you’re hearing of it at all, actually—and he says it like it’s a joke, like it’s not a thing at all, but the pain is all over his face. The bitterness of the situation he’s found himself in. The unfairness of it all.

And there are so many questions you want to ask that aren’t your place: if it’s fixable, if he’ll ever play again, how he’s coping. But you don’t really need to—you can’t imagine how you’d feel if someone suddenly pulled the rug out from under you. If everything contained within the four walls of your office suddenly disappeared.

Not that the man sitting across from you hadn’t already done that, but.

“Right,” you continue, as if he hadn’t said anything at all. You know Seungcheol—know he wouldn’t want you prodding, sticking your fingers in that particular wound. “I want you to take a look at this,” you say, handing over a printout you have saved from your undergrad tutoring days. “Tell me what looks familiar, what doesn’t; what does and doesn’t make sense.”

He looks down at the paper. Back up at you. Down at the paper again. “What the fuck is this?”

“I—what? Cheol, it’s my old notes on recitation. Surely you’ve already covered this—the syllabus says this is week one stuff.” He looks down at the paper again, and it’s so familiar, watching the life drain entirely from someone’s eyes.

You barely resist the urge to slam your face onto your desk a second time.

You meet Seungcheol at the sports center for your next tutoring session.

He likes the humidity and the smell of the chlorine by the pool. He also likes that it’s not the football pitch, so the two of you sit in the bleachers there and go over his lecture notes. Much to your surprise, Seungcheol talks a mile a minute. Has stars in his eyes when he says he finally understands elastic demand curves, supply shock; tells you he spent a whole hour making flashcards.

It’s the first time you’ve seen him so excited since your tutoring began—the first glimmer of hope you’ve felt since Dr. Lee cornered you in your library hideaway. None of this surprises you. Seungcheol has always been smart, even when football was his primary (and sometimes only) focus. He has more determination and grit than anyone you’ve ever met, so you’re not surprised he’s doing well, excelling, but you are surprised—

“Can I ask you something?” Seungcheol shrugs, shoves half a protein bar in his mouth and swallows without chewing. “Why are you… uh. Here?”

“At this university?”

“Not exactly. I mean, I am wondering about that, but I guess… why business?”

Seungcheol hums. Tucks his good knee to his chest and stares down at the pool. No one’s using it, and truthfully the two of you probably aren’t even allowed to be here, but you understand why he likes it. It’s nowhere near as secluded as the library and definitely not as air conditioned, but it is peaceful. Calm. The water laps against the coping in quiet, small waves.

“Ah, I don’t know. You know how it goes.”

You quirk an eyebrow. Never, in all the years you’ve known him, has Seungcheol done anything he didn’t want to do. All that grit and determination. “What about your father, then? Dr. Lee mentioned this was a favor to him. He’s a pretty important person to have in your Rolodex of favors.”

Doesn’t take a rocket scientist to see what this is: Seungcheol’s father has new money; worked from the bottom up, made some smart investment decisions that finally panned out after Seungcheol left for Seoul. Started doing his own thing, made a name for himself. Last you’d heard from your mother, Seungcheol’s brother was second-in-command. Hell, even your own brother did an internship there.

So you know what this is: a father helping his son after his dream was shattered, life turned upside-down. You can’t blame him, even if you’ve heard the whispers from all the way across campus. That Seungcheol is washed up now, trying to nepo his way into his father’s company because of it; that all he knows is sports and he should’ve stuck to that, what does he know about business, why is he the one Dr. Lee went out of his way to help.

Doesn’t stop any of them from smiling at him, though; doesn’t stop them from asking for autographs or selfies.

But you also know this isn’t something Seungcheol seems willing to discuss, so you crack a joke—“I mean, business. God, who’d wanna go into that?”—and go back to what he was willing to talk about.

You’ve never hated elastic demand curves so much in your life.

Deep in the throes of tutoring—when you can’t tell if it’s week two or week twelve—you make it back to your apartment just before ten, head pounding.

The door flies open just as you’re about to punch in the code, and there stands Ken, looking far more put-off than you’ve ever seen him. Looks defeated, if you’re being honest, like someone mopped up all his emotions and wrung them out like dirty dishwater.

“Oh, hi,” you say hesitantly. The man in front of you seems too much like a caged animal to let your guard down. “Everything okay?”

He aborts a nod halfway. Mutters an apology as he brushes by you and stalks down the hall, disappearing around the corner to the elevators. Usually he’s a talker—you haven’t been able to avoid a Seungcheol-related conversation in weeks—so you’re a little stunned. Stand there stupidly for a while, and that’s where Kaori finds you a moment later.

“You gonna stand out here all night, or…?”

“Oh—yeah, right.”

You follow her inside. Toe off your shoes and put them in the rack. Focus on the sound of the kettle whistling instead of the overbearing tension in the room. Drop your bag off in your room, throw on a sweatshirt three sizes too big and a comfy pair of socks. Rummage through the fridge for leftovers, contemplate what mindless show you’ll watch as you eat, and you do not, under any circumstances, ask Kaori what happened.

You don’t have to. You knew what this was going to be the first time Ken spent the night—the way he looked mortified to be meeting you in the shared kitchen at seven a.m., wearing a look that begged you not to tell your roommate he was sneaking out.

I, uh, have an early class, he’d said. You know how it is.

Maybe you should’ve called him on it then. Issued a warning-but-not-really. She’ll get attached if you don’t tell her. She should know it’s different for you, if it is.

But you’d convinced yourself it wasn’t your place. Kaori wouldn’t want you in her business like that, so you stayed quiet, just nodded before watching him slip his shoes on and close the door behind him so quietly you wouldn’t have known he left at all if you hadn’t been looking. Gone, just like a ghost.

So, yeah, you know exactly why your roommate looks haunted.

“I’m a few episodes behind on this if you want to watch with me,” you offer, pointing at the television with the remote. It’s a lie—you’ve never watched this show a day in your life, which Kaori seems to know—but she contemplates it nonetheless. “Also, my mom mailed us some cookies. I think they’re in the fridge.”

“Why are there cookies in the fridge?”

You huff a laugh. “They were outside the door this morning before I left for campus. I don’t know—just saw who the package was from and was like, oh, this must go in the fridge.”

She nods. Grabs the container and joins you on the couch. Sticks her feet beneath your butt and doesn’t mention a thing.

The closest she comes is a few days later. Catches you right before you head out to campus and asks how tutoring is going.

“Not bad, actually.”

Her smile doesn’t reach her eyes when she says, “That’s good. I’m glad things are going well for you two.”

Lee Chan, Sophomore makes his unexpected return at your office hours on an unsuspecting Tuesday.

“Can I help you?”

He doesn’t answer right away, just helps himself to the seat across from you. “Maybe,” comes his cryptic retort. “I was thinking about signing up for that crypto course next semester.”

You narrow your eyes. “No, you weren’t.”

He sighs. Looks a little panicked, like he can’t believe that didn’t work. “You’re right, you’re right. I, um—I wanted to come say thank you.” He pauses. “You know, for that… email you sent.”

You blink. “No, you didn’t.”

Lee Chan, Sophomore cracks immediately. Thunks his head on your desk and lets loose a pained sound. It nearly sounds like he’s wailing when he says, “I’m sorry! They put me up to it!”

What you’re able to piece together is this: Lee Chan, Sophomore has become a bit of a celebrity in the Student Services department ever since he met you, Choi Seungcheol’s tutor. And, like any smart, previously unpopular university student would do, he took advantage of it. Might’ve stretched the truth a little to make it sound like he knew more than he did, so now here he is, angling for information the girls with the photocards may or may not have paid him to get.

“They want to know about his girlfriend.”

“His what?”

What you’re able to piece together is also this: the Photocard Girls are certain Seungcheol is dating someone, based on little more than vibes. You suspect these vibes are their three degrees of separation, considering there was an abnormal amount of Change of Major files formed after his enrollment, but you tell Lee Chan that you don’t know anything and, even if you did, you wouldn’t put his business out there like that.

But some part of you still has this inexplicable urge to protect Seungcheol, so you match their offer with interest and tell him to say there’s nothing to report—not that you didn’t know, not that he couldn’t get anything out of you. Seungcheol isn’t dating anyone.

You don’t know if it’s true, but you figure that if it isn’t, he still deserves privacy.

Which is a notion you have trouble explaining a few hours later, when Seungcheol strolls into your office with a grease-stained paper bag full of cheese coin bread, offering one to you with a proud smile that drops slowly when you just stare in return.

“What’s wrong?”

Your mouth opens, closes, opens again. Nothing comes out, even though it should be simple. Some sophomore kid was just in here angling for information or the Student Services department is taking bets on whether or not you have a girlfriend would both suffice, but you cannot bring yourself to say the words.

What you settle on is, “Sorry, I just… had an interesting meeting before you got here.”

“Oh. Are you okay?”

You sigh. Tilt your head back to stare up at the ceiling. “It was about you, actually.”

Seungcheol chokes, starts stuttering over words you can’t make sense of. Says, “Me? Why? I passed my last exam—I mean, barely, but I still passed. And that wasn’t your fault! I didn’t study enough! I’ve been losing my mind over my International Trade class, that shit sucks—”

“It wasn’t about your grades, Cheol.”

“Oh.” Then, slowly, a lopsided, pleased smile overtakes his face. “Haven’t heard you call me Cheol in a while.”

“Seungcheol,” you correct.

He seems to forget all about the meeting. Tries again to offer you a coin bread before he threatens to eat them all himself, so you acquiesce mostly to shut him up, say you’ll bring the extras to Kaori. For some reason, you tell him about how much she’d loved the cookies your mom sent, and the nostalgia sets him off, gets him talking again, asking if they were the yakgwa she used to make when you two were kids.

They were, but you can’t seem to tell him that, either.

Seungcheol: sorry it’s last minute - running late. can you meet me at my place instead?

Seungcheol shared a location with you

You’re halfway to replying—I don’t think that’s appropriate—before you sigh and delete it. Midterms are only a few days away and you don’t have time to argue over where your tutoring sessions will be, so if Seungcheol wants to meet at his apartment that’s where you’ll meet him.

You read over the midterm notes on the train. Once, twice, and then a hundred more times until they’re nearly memorized, all so you can ignore the voice in the back of your head saying what a bad idea this is. That you have no business being on your way to your ex’s swanky part of town or integrating yourself into his life beyond tutoring at all. You shouldn’t know where he lives. Maybe you shouldn’t even have his phone number or answer his texts.

Not that there’s much you can do about it now, two stops away.

Seungcheol greets you warmly, if not a little rushed. Apologizes for the mess once you step inside, although it’s less “mess” and more “haven’t finished unpacking,” but there’s enough clear space to study at the dining table, so that’s where you set up, determined to keep things professional.

“Sorry again about this,” Seungcheol says, placing a can of cola in front of you as he takes the seat across. “I had to meet with my father and lost track of time, I guess.”

“Oh. How’s he doing?”

Seungcheol sighs, leans further back in the chair as runs a hand through his hair. A light brown, now. “Same as he always was, I guess. Talked about the business, about my brother. Can’t get him to shut up about that stuff most of the time.”

“The business is doing good, though.” You cough, clear your throat. “My, uh. My brother interned there during undergrad. I don’t know if your father told you that.”

You don’t know why you say it, because it’s clear from the brief flicker of pain on Seungcheol’s face that he hadn’t known, that no one had told him. And it hurts you too that they felt the need to keep it a secret, to protect Seungcheol from you even in tangential ways.

“He didn’t,” he admits, “but I’m sure he was happy to see him. He was, uh—he was glad to hear you’re my tutor. Said you were always smarter than all of us boys combined.”

You laugh. Hope it sounds casual instead of strained. “Well, no need to prove him right. Come on,” you say, tossing a study guide in his direction, “let’s get to work.”

Everything is alright for a while—nearly an hour at least. He has the formulas memorized and attributed to the correct equations. He can explain supply and demand, preference and utility, but things start to fall apart around budget constraints and constrained choice.

The formulas get mixed up. He grows frustrated when he doesn’t know the answers to your questions right away. Rolls his eyes and gets a little snappy when you correct him, try to explain things differently in a way he understands. At first he’s able to temper it, collect himself before things truly start spiraling out of control, but the longer the two of you sit there the more it all unravels.

He snaps, you snap back, and you can’t figure out why. You’ve survived this long in Seungcheol’s orbit even though you never thought you’d be around him again, and perhaps it was bound to explode eventually, but…

It’s the familiarity, you realize.

You and Seungcheol aren’t friends, though you’ve been playing at it for weeks now: meeting outside of the library or your office, the personal conversations bordering on reminiscing, being in his personal space. You don’t belong here. You don’t want to be his friend—you can’t be, not for real or pretend.

“That’s not what I’m say—”

“Then explain it better,” Seungcheol fires at you, eyebrows creasing. “You’re the tutor here.”

You roll your eyes. “I’m trying, okay? All I meant was—your answer isn’t wrong, but I know Dr. Lee and he’s going to want more than that in a response.”

“Right—not good enough, like I said.”

“I’m just asking you to expand on your answer—”

“And I’m telling you that’s all I’ve got. I’m not like you, all right? I don’t have all this shit just floating around in my head all the time. I’m not smart, I barely have any idea what’s going on half the time, and you sitting here being condescending about it is doing fuck-all to help.”

You inhale sharply, taken aback at the hostility in his voice. Suggest calling it for the night, say neither of you will be productive if you keep going like this, and neither of you bother to apologize.

So much of your relationship with Seungcheol was marred by clichés.

The two of you passing notes back and forth during class. You in the bleachers of all his games, screaming along to the team chants, waving a sign around with his name on it. Not realizing you had a crush on him at all until he liked someone else and it made your stomach hurt. Childhood friends turned lovers.

Another cliché: that it’s starting to feel like that all over again.

Seungcheol sits across from you in the library, econ textbook cracked in half in front of him as he pays no attention. Keeps grabbing his phone each time it vibrates across the table. Can’t fight the smile that forces its way onto his face when he reads whatever’s there.

Stupid, you think—both to do this and to think it’d play out any other way. Seungcheol left years ago. Probably lived ten lifetimes while he was away while you were here in this exact spot doing this exact thing. Barely lived half a life, just stuck your nose in textbooks and forced your way through.

“Cheol,” you say, trying to drag his attention back to the study guide. No use. He’s typing away, presses his tongue into the fat of his cheek as he responds. “Seungcheol,” you try again.

Also fruitless.

You have no claim here, you remind yourself—not to his time, not to him. He’s only here because someone else mandated it. You’re only here because someone else mandated it, but it stings all the same. Another reminder of what used to be, of what ended regardless of what you wanted. Another reminder that the role you used to play in his life is not the role you play now. That the space you used to take up created a vacancy, and eventually it was going to be filled.

And if this was anyone other than Seungcheol, if you were more emotionally evolved when it came to him, it wouldn’t gnaw at you as much. All of this would roll off your shoulders.

But it isn’t, and you’re not.

“If you’re not going to listen, then—”

“I am listening,” he interjects, but he’s not looking at you. Not looking at his textbook or his study guide. Keeps laughing and smiling at his phone, and it’s sick how bothered you are by it. That it feels like your stomach’s been turned inside-out with jealousy; with annoyance, because you don’t want to be here anyway, don’t want to do this anymore, and you’re wasting your time on someone who doesn’t appreciate it.

Perhaps he never did.

“What are we discussing, then?”

Still not looking up: “Consumer theory.”

You laugh—more a huff of air than anything, grin sardonically out of one corner of your mouth. Seungcheol sees none of it. “Wrong,” you answer, already expecting the way he shrugs it off. “I’m gonna skip ahead a few chapters, though. Consider it a freebie for your business class.”

It must be your tone that finally grabs his attention. Cutting, precise, purposeful. Seungcheol lowers his phone, quirks an eyebrow, wonders where this is going to go. It’s clear he’s pissed you off, that you’re itching for a fight. It’s clear the years of silence are finally coming to a head.

“Let’s talk about ROI. You know what that is?” You barely give him a second. “Return on investment. A performance measure used to evaluate the efficiency of an investment or compare the efficiency of several investments. So, let’s say I make one-hundred-thousand won on a ten-thousand won investment: my ROI is 90%. Are you following?”

He nods.

“Great, now let’s try something a bit more hypothetical.” You suck in a breath. “Let’s say I invest years of my adolescence into someone. A friend at first and then something more. Let’s say I played cheerleader, supported every hope and dream he had—went to every game, cheered him on, helped him practice his English. Held his hand and talked him down when the pressure felt overwhelming, when the only thing that felt inevitable was failure. Now, let’s say all I got in return was a stuttered, awkward apology as he dumped me and walked out the door. Let’s say that guy showed up again after years of silence just to once again waste my fucking time.”

The thing about pain is it’s not linear. What hurt five, ten years ago might not hurt today, but it might tomorrow; what hurt yesterday may never hurt again. The thing about pain is it lets you stick your head in the sand until it can’t anymore, and that’s where you are now: that window of time between Seungcheol walking out the door on the assumption you’d never see him again before he bulldozed his way back into your life has been slammed closed, locked up tight.

So you don’t even notice you’re crying until the room goes deathly silent and you can hear the drip drip drip of tears on paper. Until you watch Seungcheol’s hands flex and unflex in mid-air, stuck in that liminal space, wanting to reach out but knowing he has no right to. Until your chest aches so bad you’re sure you’re either about to break into stardust or cease to exist.

Until you say, “What, Choi Seungcheol, would you say my fucking return on investment was?” and he has nothing to say at all.

Kaori invites you to a party.

Just something small to celebrate the end of midterms and a classmate’s birthday. Nothing out of control or raucous, not even the kind of thing that’d earn a second glance from campus security. I won’t even make fun of you if you leave before eleven, is how she sold it to you, in addition to a small amount of begging and bargaining and a powerful set of puppy-dog eyes.

After everything the two of you have been through, you find it hard to say no.

So here you are, nearly eleven o’clock on a Friday, a cup of cheap beer in hand. A friend of a friend of a friend is wailing into a karaoke machine and although your ears are bleeding, it does feel nice for that to be your greatest worry. You aren’t thinking about your classes or how you’ve been prioritizing everyone else’s academic success. You aren’t thinking about whatever’s going on between Kaori and Ken. You aren’t thinking about Seungcheol.

At least you aren’t, until he walks through the door.

You’re going to continue not thinking about him at all—not about the fact he’s alone or how good he looks in a simple black T-shirt that’s a little taut in the shoulders. You’re not going to think about the way the air shifts, like the universe knows he’s important and is willing to accommodate. You’re not going to think about how Kaori catches your eye across the room, recognizes him from all her internet searches, and the way she mouths oh my god he’s so beefy at you.

You’re not going to think about how guilty you feel that she doesn’t know, because if you do you’re certain it’ll take over.

You watch Seungcheol work the room; watch as he floats between conversations, as strangers fall over themselves at the sight of him. How eager everyone is to give him something and how reluctant he is to take them. You watch as he winds up in the same circle as Kaori and how she must mention you, oh, your tutor is my roommate, because there’s a question in return before he turns and meets your gaze.

You wonder why the distance between you feels more insurmountable now than ever before.

Seungcheol finds you in your office.

It’s not a Tuesday or a Thursday, far later than four to six in the evening, but he doesn’t even bother knocking before he’s barreling in, stifling your space with his bad energy.

You haven’t seen him in nearly two weeks. Not since the party, if that even counts. Hasn’t bothered to reply to any of your texts or emails, and that was just fine by you, if that’s how he wanted to act, but it isn’t until he’s brooding on the other side of your desk that you realize you’re still aggrieved, too. Feels a little too familiar, him leaving you behind and in the dark.

So you don’t mean to—typically have much more professionalism than this—but when he tosses a stapled stack of papers with a barely-passing grade on your desk and says, “This is your fault,” the words come automatically and without forethought.

“Fuck off, Seungcheol.” It’s not your words that take him by surprise; more so the roll of your eyes, the accompanying huff. The impression that all of this is beneath you and nothing more than a mere annoyance. That however affected you were two weeks ago is not how affected you are anymore. “That’s what happens when you blow off your tutoring for two weeks because you’re a coward.”

He laughs, incredulous; unable to help the sound the tumbles out of his mouth. “I’m a—I’m a coward?”

“Yes,” you reply, tone giving away nothing. All he sees is feigned nonchalance despite the hurricane you feel brewing beneath the surface. “This,” you continue, pinching the corner of the paper between your fingertips and disposing of it in the trashcan beneath your desk, “is all on you, but do please let me know if there’s anything else you’d like to blame me for. I’m all ears.”

You don’t miss it: the way Seungcheol’s eyes grow wide at your ‘I’m all.’ The way he thinks you’re going to punctuate that sentence with yours, and it nearly has bile rising in your throat. Makes you want to scream, rip at your hair. If the last few months have taught you anything, it’s that you are still hopelessly in love with the man across from you—the man that continues to leave before he’s left, always at your expense.

So, yeah—Seungcheol is a coward, but only when it comes to you.

But he doesn’t look much like one now, gripping so hard at the edge of your desk that his knuckles have gone white, baseball cap pulled down low enough his eyes are barely visible. He’s always been overwhelming, always carried himself with an exaggerated arrogance even when it wasn’t warranted, always took everything so seriously, and maybe that’s why you’d thought he’d treat you the same way. Take you seriously. Wouldn’t just throw it all away on a maybe thing, and that’s why it's been years and you still aren’t over it.

Maybe Seungcheol is a coward, and maybe so are you.

Because not once since he’s been back have you been able to say what you mean. Can’t seem to tell him about the anger, the hurt, the heartbreak. Played it all off as petty nonchalance because you foolishly thought that would hurt him, that you’ve been reduced to simmering ash, no hope left for a fire.

“I could never blame you for a goddamn thing,” he says, voice so deep you could drown in it.

You so desperately want to know. You don’t want to know anything at all. You want Seungcheol to explain everything to you in detail and spoil the ending, but only if it’s guaranteed to be happy. Enduring another loss like the first time—you’re not sure you can take it. Not after you two have crossed paths like this, because you’ve never quite believed in fate but you think that has to mean something. That so much time and life had transpired and you two came back together.

Today, though, it doesn’t look like you’re going to get any answers.

Seungcheol straightens, looms at full height. Digs into the pocket of his sweatpants and pulls out a thumb drive. Wordlessly, he hands it over, and then he’s gone just as abruptly as he’d arrived.

Again.

Kaori wants to spend the weekend moping, and you can’t come up with a good reason not to join her.

She doesn’t mention Ken once. Not when she’s sobbing over A Silent Voice and Toradora! after that. Not when she keeps glancing at her phone every couple minutes to see if she has any texts. Not when you—only halfway paying attention between grading and your own assignments—suggest ordering something for delivery, maybe that new burger place down the street you heard was good, and Kaori shuts it down so vehemently you can only assume it was Ken’s favorite place.

Kaori just cries over the man with the big dick she never expected to take so seriously, and not even your stonewalling makes her feel ashamed of it.

And there’s respectability in that kind of openness and vulnerability. At least whatever she’s feeling is honest; at least she can admit she’s sad. You think watching Kaori process her breakup might help you process yours too, years too late, so you suck in a breath and ask, “Can I tell you something or is now not a good time?”

Kaori looks over at you. Dabs a soggy tissue at her eyes. “Well, I guess it depends,” is her answer, and she doesn’t shy away from how waterlogged her voice sounds. “If you’re going to tell me you’re a Takasu and Kawashima shipper, maybe, but if it’s anything worse I’m not sure I could take it.”

“I—what? Who even are they?” She gives you a half-hearted thumbs up. You sigh in response, sink further into the couch. “It’s, uh.” Clear your throat. “Do you remember when we met sophomore year? At that party? And I told you I wasn’t looking for anything and you said, and I quote, why not, I have a sixth sense for this kind of thing and I know that guy will have a huge—”

She hides her face behind her hands. “Ew, god, yes I remember that. My dick whisperer era. How embarrassing.”

“Right. And I told you I wasn’t looking for anything because I’d just gotten out of something.”

“Not really by choice, if I remember correctly. I told you if it was quiet it should’ve been loud, and then you never talked about it again.”

You nod. “I—yeah, that sounds like something I would’ve said.” You suck in a deep breath. “Listen, this is probably gonna sound bad considering I did never talk about it again, but—”

“Hey,” Kaori says, nudging you with her foot. Meant to be comforting, somehow. “It’s okay. There’s a lot you don’t know about me, too… most of which I’m not sure you should, actually.”

A laugh forces its way out, gives you a nice reprieve from the anxiety of the conversation you’re about to have. The need to explain it all, the need for advice. Maybe it’s not her—or anyone else’s—business, but you think you’ve kept this to yourself long enough. You and Seungcheol loved each other, once, and it seems foolish that no one knows.

Maybe Kaori had been right. Maybe love should be shouted from the rooftops; exist out in the open. Maybe something hidden in the shadows can never thrive in the light, and you knew it back then, deep down, but now it seems so obvious.

You think back to a few days before the library. Think about how things didn’t feel good but they felt okay. Think about the frustrated crease between Seungcheol’s eyebrows as he stared down at his textbook and how all you’d wanted to do was smooth it. Think about how you’d rolled your lips and tried not to laugh; how you thought it’d take a miracle to help Seungcheol pass this class.

Think about: What is the difference between the short-run and the long-run from the perspective of production theory?

Think about the short-run of your and Seungcheol’s relationship—that you’d burned bright and fast, even though it’d felt like a million years. Hadn’t dared to consider the long-run because anything beyond that bubble felt impossible.

Think about: Which of the following is not a property of isoquants?

Think about the way Seungcheol’s eyes lit up when he knew the answer. That they’re always linear, he said, and you smiled at his enthusiasm, raised your hand to high-five him and dropped it when he hadn’t noticed.

You think about the explanation—isoquants can be linear when inputs are perfectly substitutable—and what those graphs look like. Downward sloping, left to right. Think about how the graphs change when the isoquants are perfect complements.

L-shaped. Less straight as the inputs become poorer substitutes.

You know what your and Seungcheol’s graph would’ve looked like back then.

So it’s easy, almost, to tell Kaori everything. You tell her about growing up in Daegu, about the smell of the azaleas at Biseulsan in the spring. You tell her about how your parents had befriended the neighbors, how they had a kid your age, that that kid was Seungcheol—yes, that Seungcheol.

She’s able to anticipate the rest from there, but you fill in the blanks of what she can’t: being sixteen and falling in love, holding hands, the clandestine notes. All those football matches and how your throat would be hoarse from cheering. How nauseous you’d felt applying to university in Seoul, how excited you were when Seungcheol said he was coming with you. That, after you arrived, it felt like you were living in fast-forward. Barely any time to breathe or adjust; no time to just be you and Seungcheol. You had to be a student, someone responsible; Seungcheol had to be a phenom.

“Could you feel it was going to happen?” Kaori asks, now sat ramrod straight, all her attention on you. “Like, did you know?”

“I don’t know,” you admit. “Maybe I did? It’s hard to say now, all this time later. I know things definitely felt different, like life was pulling us in opposite directions.” You laugh, bitterness coloring the edges. “You couldn’t go two blocks without seeing him on some billboard, and I was just… normal, you know? I wasn’t some rising star athlete like he was, I just went to my classes. How was I supposed to compete with something like that?”

Your roommate hums, leans back into the pillows as she stares up at the ceiling. “I don’t think you were. Maybe that’s why Seungcheol was worried—maybe he felt like you were losing your own identity feeling like you had to keep up.”

You want to push back, argue that you weren’t, that you didn’t, but the truth is that it’s possible. That the shadows created by Seungcheol’s dreams were so massive you wouldn’t be surprised if they unintentionally swallowed you up. “It still wasn’t his choice to make,” you say, voice barely above a whisper.

And Kaori already knows all about your hurt, listened as you explained it all and laid everything bare. So when she says, “Sometimes that’s just how it goes, though, babe,” it doesn’t feel condescending. “We do the best we can with what we’ve got at the time. You can say now it wasn’t Seungcheol’s choice to make, because it’s been almost five years and you’ve made a life for yourself separate from him. But the—god, this is gonna sound so patronizing, I am so sorry—but you guys were so young. No one has it all figured out at that age.”

She snorts, runs a hand through her messy hair. “Shit, I’m nearly halfway to thirty and I still don’t know anything.” Adopts a frown. “What do you want now? Do you want closure? Want to try to fix things and become friends?”

“I don’t know,” you admit, biting at a hangnail. “He actually, um. The other day when he stopped by my office, he left me a USB drive? And before you ask, no I did not already look at it.”

“A USB drive? Who does this guy think he is, James Bond?” A pause. “Are you gonna look at it, though?”

You do.

Not until the silver, midnight light creeps in through your bedroom curtains and you’ve stared at the ceiling long enough; waited long enough for texts that never came, for divine intervention to, well, intervene. It never did—fair enough—so you decide to take fate by the reins. Grab your laptop, instant headache from the screen, stick the drive into the port.

It takes a second for it to load, but when it does: dozens of videos, organized by date. Vlogs, by the look of them—some from before your breakup but the majority of them from after.

You’re not sure what you expected, but it wasn’t this.

You click on the first one: a month and a half before both of you moved to Seoul. A fresh-faced Seungcheol appears on your screen, cheeks still round with adolescence. He’s in his room back in Daegu, can’t get the camera angle right. Nostalgia hits you like a ton of bricks as it pans to the side, to the wall behind his bed, and you see all his old posters. Mostly football players you couldn’t name, some girl group he used to love, a few movies. Just below them are some of the notes you’d written him in school, and they’re all you can focus on as he talks about how excited he is for the move.

The next: a few weeks after you’d started classes. By then, Seungcheol was well into the swing of things with Seoul FC. Already a big fish in a small pond, tryout offers from European teams starting to roll in. You can hear yourself in the background stressing over your first exam, wishing a generational curse upon your calculus professor. In the video, Seungcheol laughs, whispers like he’s telling the camera a secret as he talks about how nervous he is for his future. I don’t know why, he says, but it just feels like everything is about to change.

There’s a long pause between that one and the next. You understand why when you look at the date: three months after your breakup. Your hands hover uselessly above your keyboard. Whatever answers you’ve been looking for the last few years are probably in this video, but you can’t bring yourself to open it. Not right away, at least.

You click on a different one at random. Seungcheol’s somewhere in Europe, judging from the language on the signs behind him. Snow falls quietly—whenever he filmed this, it must’ve been early. No one else is around, and he cracks a joke that it’s a good thing, people would probably think he was crazy if they saw him. He doesn’t tell you where he’s going but he narrates the entire walk: points out a cafe he’s grown to love. The way to get to his practice stadium from where he’s standing. Pauses near a restaurant and laughs ruefully, shakes his head, says, I don’t know why I’m telling you this, but one of my teammates set me up on a blind date here and I got stood up. You’d probably think that was funny.

(You do. It also makes your chest ache.)

One from two years ago: Seungcheol in a hotel room, clearly nervous. He raises his hand to wave at the camera and you can see the corners of his nails bitten raw. Dark circles beneath his eyes; cheekbones more pronounced than you’ve ever seen them. On the screen, Seungcheol sighs, rakes a hand through freshly-bleached hair. Sucks in a deep breath as he says, I’m so nervous. I’m so—so fucking nervous and I don’t. Fuck, I don’t know what to do. I want to call you because you always knew what to say but that’s so fucking selfish. God, we haven’t spoken in years, and it’s my—that’s my fault, I know, so I brought this all on myself. I just want to hear your voice.

Another from a week after that: the color’s returned to his face, and he’s recording from what looks like a penthouse apartment. Sleek, modern; a small white dog napping on the bed beside him. He smiles, looks like he got his teeth fixed, looks like he’s no longer carrying around the weight of the world. Talks endlessly and excitedly about some tournament. Talks so fast you can barely keep up. Talks around words tinged with languages you don’t understand.

Seungcheol wins a championship. Records a drunk vlog from the same night, hair soaked through with god-knows-what—water, champagne, you don’t know. But he looks radiant. Looks like the culmination of two decades of dreaming. He looks happy, free, at peace. He looks like the reason he let you go, why he had to go away.

You scroll to the bottom of the files. Pause at the last video, dated seven months before the term started.

“Hi,” he says, and you can immediately tell everything is all wrong. Seungcheol’s in the dark, face only visible enough to see the tears tracking on his cheeks. “This is going to be the last one of these I make. I don’t know if you, uh—I’m sure you aren’t paying attention to me—my career—anymore, but. I, um. I got hurt. Ruptured my ACL. They’re not sure I’ll…” A sob escapes him. Has you wanting to climb through the screen to hold him, thumb away his tears, tell him everything is going to be okay. “They don’t know if I’ll ever play again.”

Seungcheol no longer looks happy, free, at peace. “Maybe you’ll be happy to hear that,” he continues. “Maybe it’ll help you to know I threw away our relationship for nothing.”

Cut to black.

The sudden silence is deafening. Has you desperately clicking back to the video you’d skipped, the one from just after your breakup. Seungcheol looks the same in that one, too, like the life has been drained out of him.

I don’t know why I’m doing this. It’s not like I’ll ever show these to you now, since I…

I’m sure I owe you an explanation. To be honest, I don’t know what I’m doing, I just—things have been so hard, and I’m still trying to make sense of it all. I feel like my life went from zero to a hundred before I could even blink and now I’m scrambling. I didn’t think it was fair to—to drag you through that. Me being away, moving to an entirely different continent. I have faith we could do it, I just. I don’t know, baby, I don’t…

You deserve to have your own life. Be your own person. I’m so scared that the world will never see you for who you are—so beautiful and intelligent and kind. You don’t deserve to be reduced to my partner. And if you ever see this, I know you’re gonna roll your eyes. Probably call me a mean name because I took the choice away from you, because you think I’m trying to be selfless and heroic, and you’d be right. It’s not fair, and I wish I could tell you I’m sorry.

I wish I could just… pluck out my brain and give it to you, because even if it killed me to do it, at least it makes sense to me. And I don’t—I don’t want you to think I’m not hurting. I’ve been sick to my stomach since I left. I know I’m making a mistake, I know I am, I just—how do I do what I think is right in the long-run when it’s not what I want right now, or ever?

I don’t want to get over you. I don’t want you to get over me, and that’s how you know I’m not acting selflessly, because you should. I want you to always be happy, I just… wish it was with me.

So, I’m going to keep making these. I’m going to take you along for the ride, wherever it takes us, because you should be here but I can only hope you can one day understand why you’re not. I’m so—I’m so sorry, I don’t…

I’m sorry.

I love you.

You fall asleep and dream that you were the one meant to meet him at that restaurant.

The first thing you do is make a call to your mother.

“Could you send another container of yakgwa?”

On the other end of the line, your mother tuts, motherly intuition audibly kicking into overdrive. Is probably wearing that all-knowing, sly grin she always does when you try to be coy and evasive. “What happened to the last container I sent?”

“Ah, you know Kaori loves those. They barely lasted an hour after I told her what was in there.”

She hums an acknowledgement. Sounds like she takes a sip of tea. “I remember someone else being quite fond of those cookies, too.”

“Well, they are the most popular cookies in the country, so.”

After haranguing you into admitting they’re for Seungcheol and not your roommate, your mother promises to send them quickly. A few days at most, which buys you enough time to figure out how you’re going to approach the man in question.

The vlogs have turned your entire world upside-down. Answered questions you hadn’t even known you had. Took all that anger and resentment you’d been holding onto and set it free, and now you’re just left with… a void. Want to mend things, and it makes you wonder if such a thing is even possible, if it’s too late, but you don’t let those thoughts get very far.

Instead, you let them spur you into action. Have you sitting in front of your laptop at your desk, office hours long since over, silence creeping in the more the department empties. The thrum of the airconditioning and the tick-tick-tick of the clock are all the only company you have.

You worry if it’ll show on camera, how out of sorts you feel: sweating from the nerves, dabbing at your hairline; cheeks warm to the touch. But you suck in a breath anyway, steel yourself. Look at your webcam and the daunting red circle…

And start recording.

He hadn’t gotten it at first. Not really.

There’d been a container of yakgwa outside his door with his USB drive taped to the top of it. No note—not that he needed one to know who it was from, but he wasn’t sure what it was. A goodbye? A please fuck off forever and never contact me again?

He’d just taken them inside. Ate too many of the cookies while feeling sorry for himself. Maybe had a glass or two of wine to compound the issue, and never, ever considered contacting you. Didn’t think he could bear it if you never wanted to see him again, but he just…

Well, he was drunk and alone and he missed you, and he’d rewatched all those videos he recorded a million times before when he was like this, so what was a million and one?

It’d been the same as every time before: he smiled at the happy parts, cried at all his old wounds. Wanted to reach through the screen and strangle his past self for including that part about the blind date, because he never wanted to date anyone who wasn’t you, why would he say that, felt mortified at the thought of you watching that—

And then there it was.

All the way at the bottom. A new video. One that hadn’t been recorded by him—

Hi, Cheol, you say, and that’s all it takes to reduce him to a sobbing, yearning mess. I’m not sure what to say here. I don’t really record much—sometimes for lectures when the professors are too busy, but never anything personal like this, but I watched every single one you made for me and I thought I should return the favor.

I wanted to tell you everything I’ve been up to since you left, but it hasn’t been much. I got my degree. Tutored a lot in undergrad—the same thing I’m tutoring you in now, actually. I was good at it and it felt good to have something that was mine, you know? I almost moved for grad school. Thought for a while I was going to wind up in New York, but then my parents divorced and it felt like too much, too scary, so I stayed. Kaori also stayed, so we got an apartment together. It’s not much, definitely not as nice as your place, but it’s good enough.

I don’t think I ever told you, but she was seeing a guy for a bit and he was… obsessed with you, to say the least. Thought you were the coolest person in the world. They aren’t seeing each other anymore. Ended pretty badly, but—speaking of which, maybe steer clear of Student Services for a while, too.

Sometimes it felt like failure that I wound up staying here. That I had scholarships from all these far-away, prestigious places and didn’t take advantage of them. That I gave into my fear. And now… I don’t know. Maybe there’s a reason I stayed behind. Maybe there’s a reason you ended up back here, too.

Whatever happens—I don’t want you to think I still blame you. Kaori says we do the best we can with what we’ve got at the time, and I understand now that’s what you did. Even though it hurt me, you were trying to protect me. I get it now. And I’m sorry you had to go through all of that alone. I can’t imagine how hard it must’ve been to go to all these places you didn’t know. To have to deal with your injury, the loss of a dream.

You said in one of your videos that you just want me to be happy, and that’s all I want for you, too, whatever that looks like.

Here’s my address if you ever want to come by to talk.

I love you, too.

—and then he’d been up and out the door, feeling stone cold sober, running to the front of his building to wait for his ride.

Felt like the drive took hours. Must’ve hit every red light between his apartment and yours. Took the steps two at a time just to get to your door faster.

There’s a man already standing outside your door when he gets there. One that looks shocked to see him, stars in his eyes, and when Seungcheol says, “Oh, you must be Kaori’s ex,” he looks more like he wants the earth to swallow him whole. Embarrassed in front of his idol.

He knocks on your door and gets no response. Knocks again, harder this time, and he has to try really hard to stifle his laughter when your voice yells from the inside, “Fuck off, Kenji, I already told you she’s not here!”

“It’s me,” Seungcheol yells back.

There’s quiet again. Just enough time for it to feel like his heart is going to beat right out of his chest and follow Kaori’s ex down the hall.

Then you’re yanking the door open—slowly, so slowly, like you’re scared it’s not actually him. Your eyes are brimming with tears when they meet his own, and he doesn’t let himself think, just goes on instinct, when he grabs for you, hands on your cheeks, and presses his lips to yours.

Somehow you taste the same.

Somehow you taste like redemption.

You taste like home.

Seungcheol kisses you until the tears slow. Kisses you until the universe realigns, until he could map your mouth in the dark. Kisses you until all you’re all he knows again.

When he pulls away, you’re gripping at his sweatshirt, don’t want to let him go. He presses his forehead to yours, offers up a million more apologies, starts talking nonsense. Says he’s going to drop microeconomics, what the hell does he know, he barely has a passing grade anyway, what does it matter, he’s such an idiot—

And then you say, “You came back,” and nothing else matters.

“I always will.”

(Later on, as you’re trying to steady your breathing, slick with sweat, your thigh thrown over Seungcheol’s hip as he stares down at you, dopey smile on his face, you say, “Choi Seungcheol, don’t you dare drop that class. I have worked my ass off to get you to barely-passing.”)

if you’ve made it this far thank you so much for reading! i am still very new at writing for seventeen, so i hope this was acceptable. i'm now going to throw myself into the warped tour vernon fic and will hopefully not go another 7+ months without posting anything. 😭

i would love to hear your thoughts! <3

[forever-rogue]

Trouble

AN | Hello, I'm here to fix it. It never happened. Joel is back in Jackson. Enjoy💕

Pairing | Joel Miller x Fem!Reader 

Warnings | Canon typical injury

Word Count | 2.6k

Masterlist | Joel, Main 

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

You were covered in dirt, blood, and gunk but none of that mattered in the moment. What mattered was that no matter how bruised and worn down you felt, you were alive. You had survived, Jackson had survived…everything would be okay.

Dragging yourself up off the ground, you spotted Tommy and Maria up ahead. A sigh of relief escaped your lips as you slowly made your way towards them, helping any stragglers along your way. It was going to take a while to recover from this disaster, but at least you knew things would get better. And, if anything, you now had more knowledge on the enemy and their…abilities for lack of a better word.

Brushing some blood and dirt off your face, you spotted Ellie getting off her horse just up ahead. Thank fuck.

They were all okay. Everything was fine. Ellie, Jesse, Dina, and Joel were back. 

You ran as fast as you could which, given the state you were in wasn't very fast, ready to make your way to them. It was more of a limping skip as you made your way over.

“Tommy! Ellie!” You shouted over the wind, waving your arm to get their attention. When they heard you and finally turned around, you were met with a sea of grim faces. Your stomach dropped; they should be happy. If not happy, at least not so grim. Right? When you finally got to them, you realized that you didn’t see Joel. You immediately knew something was very wrong, “where's Joel?”

Ellie opened and closed her mouth a few times, fresh tears streaming down her cheeks.

“Where's Joel?” you asked again, swallowing the lump in your throat. You turned to Tommy and saw that the look on his face mirrored the one on Ellie's. In fact, no one looked happy, “Tommy. Where's Joel?”

“Listen-” 

“Where is he!?” You demand again, tears welling up in your own eyes. Tommy put his hand on your shoulder and held onto it firmly, “T-Tommy. Where is he?”

“He's at Kat's,” he finally said, his own voice shaking as he tried to keep it together, “he's…he's not doing well.”

You choked out a sob before turning on your heel and running towards Kat's house. Your own body was screaming in pain but none of that mattered in the moment. All you could think about was getting to Joel. That was the only thing that mattered. 

You burst through the front door of the house, lungs on fire as you headed towards the stairs. You took a moment to catch your breath, clutching the stitch in your side, “Kat? Kat!”

You started up the stairs, Kat meeting you at the top with a grim expression on her face. She was a kind, older woman that always had a way of making you feel better no matter the circumstances. She was a good doctor.

She took your face in her hands before sighing softly and pulling you in for a hug. You clutched onto her tightly, fearful for what she was going to say to you. When you pulled apart, she brushed some dirt off your clothes, “I'm going to have a look at you next.”

“There's other people that need your help more than I do,” you insisted, “where's Joel? I-I need to see him. Please.”

“Look,” she gave your hand a squeeze, “he's lucky to be alive. I hate to say that, I do. But he's lucky Ellie and Jesse found him when they did.”

“What happened?” You were reeling from her words; the idea of losing Joel was unbearable, “tell me. Please.”

“Seems like some people he made enemies of a long time back found him,” she sighed, “and they had some sort of vendetta against him.”

You couldn't wait any longer and gently pushed past her and into the room where you knew he'd be. As soon as you opened the door, you stopped in your tracks when you found him on the bed. You let out a shaky breath as you dropped to your knees by his side, “oh my god. Joel.”

“He can't hear you,” Kat followed in after you, grim look on her face, “he's out. He's gonna be out for a while.”

“What did they do to him?” His face was bruised and there were remnants of dried blood all over him. He looked so pale that it made your stomach drop. It took you a moment of notice that his leg was completely bandaged up.

“Shot in the side, his leg was broken badly. Ellie said…there was a girl beating him with a golf club before resorting to using her fists. He's got some broken ribs and lost a lot of blood. He's going to be a while before he's up and able to get, let alone get around.”

“But he'll-”

“There's no swelling in his brain and his lungs sound clear. He's past the absolute worst but he's not out of the woods just yet,” you hated that she wouldn't just confirm that he'd make it, “but its Joel. You know he's not going to give up fighting.”

“What can I do?” You asked, voice cracking as tears blurred your vision, “anything. Whatever it takes.”

“There's not much you can do right now. Its just going to take time,” she whispered, “take care of yourself. And the others. Things will be alright.”

“Will they?” You plopped onto the ground and reached for his hand; it was cold and stiff, “I can't…I can't lose him. I just can't.”

“We'll do everything we can do,” she promised, “we just have to be patient.”

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

“Here,” Tommy's voice pulled you of your stupor as he walked in and held a hot cup of tea out to you, “our mama used to say that there wasn't anything a cup of tea couldn't fix.”

“Thanks,” you clutched the warm mug in your cold, tired hands as you stared at the golden liquid. You stretched, your body tired and aching from the stiff wooden chair that had basically become your second home. You'd been camped out by his side, refusing to move unless absolutely necessary. You’d cleaned him up as best as you could but he still looked so…fragile. Broken.

“You can leave you know,” he said as you looked at him incredulously, “you can rest and take time for yourself. You ain't going to be helping anyone by not making sure you're okay.”

“I don't want to leave him,” you sighed, looking Joel over. It had been almost two weeks, and while he seemed to be healing, he still wasn't up and conscious, “what if he wakes up and I'm not here? O-or something happens?”

Tommy let out a low sigh as he looked forlornly at his older brother, “I keep thinking the same thing. But you know if anything happens, someone will get you right away.”

“Yeah,” you sipped the warm liquid and closed your eyes for a moment. You knew this was just hard for him and Ellie, “what happened to her? The girl?”

“She got away,” he gritted his teeth, “for now. We'll find her.”

“I keep thinking I want to go out there and kill her myself,” you whispered, reaching over and gently brushing a rogue lock of hair out of Joel's face, “that I want her to suffer as much as he did, or worse.”

“But…”

“Nothing excuses what she did,” you whispered, “but I can't imagine doing that to another living being. It makes us no better than them. But at the time I don't know if I care about that.”

“Its hard,” he agreed.

“It is,” you took his hand in yours, “I don't know what to do. For now, I just want him to be okay.”

“He's a stubborn old fool. He's not going to leave us that easily.”

“Promise?” Your voice was quiet and you weren't even sure you'd intended for him to hear it. Tommy nodded as offered him a small smile in return, “you better hurry up and get better soon, old man. Can't believe I'm saying this, but I miss your grumpy old face.”

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

Time seemed slower than it ever did before as you remained by Joel's side. A few more days had passed and as much as you wanted to remain hopeful, you had to admit it was hard to. While his pallor returned and the dark bruising faded to green and yellow, he hadn't woken up. You never thought you could miss someone so much when they were right next to you. 

“You know,” you had moved onto the bed, laying on the edge to be close to him without hurting him further, “I remember when we first met after I got here. It was kind of like this then too, except I wasn't hurt as bad. One of the first things you said to me was that you knew I was going to be a pain in your ass. Turns out you were right, but I could say the same about you.”

The room was silent, filled only with the combined sounds of your soft breathing. You tentatively reached out a hand and traced your fingertips along his side, barely a ghost of a touch.

“I miss you, you know,” you continued, “I always miss you when you're gone, even if its only a few hours, but this is so much worse. Its like you're right here but a million miles away. I want you to come back to me soon. We're all waiting for you. Ellie misses you so much too. She saved you, you know. She never hated you, which I think you know deep down. She loves you, you'll always be her Joel. I love you. So much.”

You laid there until you fell asleep, only moonlight filtering in. You weren't sure how much long your heart could handle this.

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

It was going on three weeks and you were still a wreck as much as the first day. You were growing impatient and tired and angry, and a million other emotions.

“You know I hate to ask you to leave but can you give Maria a hand with some stuff at the stables?” You looked at Tommy and glanced at Joel before nodding. He hadn't woken up yet, and at this you weren't sure when he would. It was probably fine to be gone for a few hours.

“Of course,” you stood up, giving Joel one last look before heading out. You'd be back soon enough.

It was a few hours of some back breaking labor that you were finally able to take a moment to breathe. There was still so much left to do to rebuild Jackson, and as reluctant as you had been to leave Joel, you were happy for the work that had taken all of your attention.

You heard your name being shouted from the distance and looked over to Benji running towards you with Tommy running after him. You exchanged a look with Maria and bent down to scoop him up in your arms.

“Hey kiddo, what's got you so excited?” 

“Uncle Joel,” he started simply, a big gap toothed smile on his face. Your heart stopped for a moment as you looked over to Tommy, who had managed to catch up.

“Tommy?” You tried to keep the excitement out of your face, “is he…?”

“He's awake,” he confirmed, “just woke up.”

“Oh my god,” you gently set him down and ran off without another word. You figured they'd understand.

You burst into the house and ran upstairs and into his room, chest heaving from the exertion. Kat raised an eyebrow at you but there was a smile pulling on the corners of her mouth, “just in time.”

“Joel?” Kat stepped out of the way and slipped out of the room to give the two of you some privacy.

And there he was; still looking worse for the wear but sat up in the bed and fully conscious. It might have been the most beautiful sight you had ever seen.

“Hey trouble,” his voice was dry and raspy but hearing him immediately brought tears to your eyes.

“Joel,” you took a few tentative steps towards him, part of you refusing to believe this was real. He moved his hand to reach out for you, “you're…you're…I thought I was going to lose you.”

“You can't get rid of me that easily,” his laugh turned into a cough and you handed him the glass of water that was by his bedside.

“Take it easy old man,” you joked through your tears, finally happy ones, as you sat next to him on the bed, “don't need you to hurt yourself now.”

He smiled at you, putting his hand on top of yours, giving it a reassuring squeeze, “you were here. The whole time.”

“Where else would I be?” You sniffled as he reached up and wiped your tears away. You put your hand on top of his and held it gently against your cheek.

“Preferably out living life,” he stroked his thumb over your skin, “not worrying about me.”

You studied him, taking in the brown eyes you'd missed so much. He was definitely far from recovered but he was here and he was alive. That was enough for now.

You gently took his hand off your face and took his face in your hands. You frowned at the bruising that was lingering but you knew it'd be gone soon enough. Before you could stop yourself, you leaned in and pressed your lips against his, kissing him as softly and tenderly as possible. With a relieved sigh, you touched your forehead against his, “I don't think I could ever stay away.”

“You know I'm never going to leave you,” he whispered as you nodded.

“I love you,” you promised, “even if you are a stubborn grump.”

“I love you too, trouble,” he shifted over gently before patting the same next to him, “c'mere.”

“I don't want to hurt you,” he scoffed and you kicked off your boots before getting into the bed next to him, slowly to make sure you didn't cause him any pain. You laid down and rested your head on his good leg, letting out a slow, deep breath. Joel started gently playing your hair, causing tingles to shoot through your entire body. You hadn't realized how much you missed his touch, “you should lie down too. You need the rest.”

“So do you,” he insisted, grinning as you yawned, “you've been here the whole time watching me, let me take care of you.”

“Only if you lie down with me and we both stay here for a while,” you insisted, turning your face to look up at him.

“I suppose,” he shifted with a grimace but was able to get himself comfortable next to you, draping an arm around your waist and pulling you against him, “you alright?”

“Better than I have been in weeks,” you turned so you were facing him, “I was scared that we'd never get to do this again. That I'd never see you again. That you would be gone…”

“Oh trouble,” he whispered, “that's never going to happen. Okay?”

“Okay,” you agreed, “I'm going to hold you to that, Miller.”

“I'd expect nothing less, trouble.”

[ilylovelyz]

⍣ ೋ Alucard x Pregnant S/O Headcannons

i feel as if alucard will be the one to know about the pregnancy first

depending on the timeline you envision reader/you in, alucard will have more or less some knowledge on pregnancies and childbirth

esp cuz yk his mom was a doctor

but regardless i feel alucard would wake up one day and be hit with your scent being completely offputting

not in a bad way, but in a way that he immediately notices

being that he is humanely superior than most, your physical attributes are all he notices!

even your scent cuz he loves sniffing you and he uses it to know if youre flocking around somewhere!

but anyways he'll notice the way you smell different

his suspicions immediately rise, afterall you both are a couple that has a lot of love to offer <3

but he won't say anything to you, no

or at least not for awhile

i think he'd know it's something special for you to find out first by yourself and THEN you'd tell him like some cutesy surprise although its not a surprise considering he already knows

but A+ for effort in his eyes!

he'll leave you to it

it's not like he could see through you like an MRI scan so all he can really do his rely on your scent and just assume you're with child but he'll make sure to have other possibilities in mind like your body just changing naturally or age

once the thought is in his mind he's still instantly becoming 10x more overprotective

as your lover he'll always keep his eyes on you in situations, whether it'd be across a busy room 10ft away from you or in dangerous situations like fighting night creatures

but if you're with child, you're 1st in line to yourself in his priority list! <3

once the symptoms start to bring you aware of the pregnancy he's just waiting in silence excitedly for you to acknowledge him to it so he can finally express how he feels

once you do, he wont say that he already knew, but he wont act like a fool out of "surprise"

but either way, the happiness is evident with him

he'll then begin to publicly coo all over you

never lets you out of his sight, you're always on his mind 24/7 and the baby as well

is constantly thinking about how to improve his current situation for the future of the baby

will definitely want to create the baby furniture and toys himself with you, maybe give the baby any remaining toys he has left from his own childhood

he really has no preference for gender

but in his mind, when it comes to envisioning the future, it always comes down to soft lace cotton tiny dresses and pink ribbons

once your pregnancy begins to really affect you, his over protectiveness is going to be at it's peak

you can't sleep at night? oh! neither can he, and he'll spend all night massaging your sore back and aching ankles if that's what it takes for you to be comfortable

stands outside the restroom while you puke if you don't allow him to be in there and waits patiently

sometimes will hold up your hair for you or pat your back if your sickness is really paining him

he thinks you absolutely glow with your belly all round! never a day without him caressing your skin and telling you how beautiful you are

when it comes closer and closer to the due date, he highkey begins internally stressing

he worries that something bad will happen, worries that one of the few things in his life will be taken away, if not all

will try to calm himself by sniffing you

if you let him, he'll definitely get down on his knees and practically worship your baby bump

puts his ear to your skin and tries to see if he can hear the heartbeat

his own flutters when it does and boy does it melt him down to a puddle of sweetness

when you begin labor he's 100% going to try to be by your side for the entire thing

he's half-vampire, a little soreness from you squeezing the blood out of his hand will not deter him from leaving your side

if complications arise, he's going to do his best for you to stay calm and try to help minimize your pain, but internally he's sweating and feels like he's gonna pass out if things get that bad

will definitely read his mother's notes on pregnancy and childbirth to aid him in your birth

once the baby is delivered, he audibly releases a sigh of relief

kisses your forehead, your cheek, your lips, everything, in a silent thanks to you

definitely is anxious to hold the baby, but will let you first obviously if you're able to

once it's his turn to hold his child it's like he's glued in place and just admires his little baby

next few days are just of you resting, even if you try to help, he's taking over everything and anything baby related

does not let you do the night feedings

becomes basically your doctor and feeds you foods that he researched helps energizes the exhausted and improvement of health

his bond with your baby is soul deep, he'd spend the remainder of time holding them if he could

see trevor's version!

[amazinglyashy]

Hi hi I just found your blog like an hour ago and I’ve been scrolling and am obsessed with the way you write for the l&ds!! ❤️❤️ if you don’t mind I love a little angst and was wondering if you could write the boys reacting to MC showing up at their doorstep heavily injured from like a fight with a wanderer.

Oh my gosh thank you!!! And I don't mind at all, my friends make fun of me for how much I enjoy hurt/comfort and angst :'D Thank you for the request!

LaDS men react to you appearing on their doorstep, injured and bleeding

Xavier -

If you end up at his door, it's more than likely because your unconscious decided to hit the button for his floor rather than your own. You just wanted to get home, not bother anyone, but he's stood right there. Having just come home from grabbing a late night snack from a nearby convenience store, you stumbled out of the elevator right as he's unlocking his front door.

He drops his keys and his bag.

It's a good thing too, because your legs gave out right then, so it's much better for him to catch you if his arms are free.

He's calling your name, and while you're still conscious, you're not really processing anything anymore. You're in too much shock, and you've lost too much blood by now.

He'll get the door unlocked and rush you inside his apartment, setting you down on his couch as he runs for a first aid kit, calling the association for emergency services while he does so.

"You're going to be okay. I promise. Just continue to breathe, alright?"

Xavier doesn't know if he's saying that to comfort you or himself, but he also isn't stopping to think about it, as he rapidly administers first aid to your wounds to at least slow the bleeding until help can arrive.

It's three in the morning but he's wide awake sitting next to your bed at the hospital, something unnatural for someone so sleep deprived usually.

He can't bring himself to shut his eyes though.

It's not work the risk.

Not until you wake up first.

Zayne -

It's like his brain splits into two the moment that he sees you standing there.

One side is his medical knowledge rushing forward as he moves to catch you as your feet stumble beneath you, trying to impossibly assess the extent of the damage before even getting to see it all. It's the half that's taking you to his kitchen table, because it's the easiest workspace for him right now. The one that's pulling out his doctor's bag from the closet in the hall, and the first aid kit from the cupboard in the kitchen as he cuts your shirt open.

The other side?

Oh honey, his heart is breaking.

If you think there's a day at work where he doesn't pray to any existent or nonexistent god that he doesn't see you today, spread out on a gurney or operating table without warning due to your unconscious state, then you'd be painfully wrong.

It's amazing how well he works while panicking on the inside, his skilled hands patching your wounds after meticulous sterilization, any sutures needed placed perfectly even through your pained groans tugging at his heart.

He knows he needs to get you to the hospital, even though he's taken good care of you in his own home. But he needs to sink to the floor for a minute, his back dragging against the wall as he heaves a deep sigh. It's a heavy toll feeling the stick of the dried blood on his hands- your blood on his hands.

With all his knowledge, he knows you'll be okay. He knows he himself will be okay. But right now-

He's not.

Sylus -

The N109 zone is beyond dangerous, mostly due to the criminals and leeches lurking in the dark shadows, but there's also no shortage of Wanderers, including ones that have been genetically altered to be even worse than they normally were.

So when Sylus sees you stumbling at his doorstep, bloodied hand reaching for the knob as he glances at the camera feed, he's not sure he could say he's ever moved so fast in his life otherwise. "Sweetie-" He breathes, as he catches you, scooping you up and rushing you inside as quickly as he possibly can without aggravating your already extensive injuries.

Luke is already running for first aid, and Kieran is already contacting the doctor. Mephisto is shrieking in the hall as he follows Sylus to his bedroom, protesting the fact that Sylus had needed him for surveillance of a target today instead of watching you.

Sylus knows.

He knows this is his fault.

If he had had someone keeping an eye on you, this wouldn't have happened.

His eyes are glued to your barely conscious form in his arms, the guilt in the recesses of his heart digging deeper with every slather of red that painted your skin.

Sorry to say, you're going to have your work cut out for you when you wake up. It's going to take a lot of heavy lifting on your part to convince him that he's not at fault for what happened to you.

And you will be waking up.

Sylus will make sure of that.

Rafayel -

Don't make his nightmares a reality.

Not again.

He's catching you before you can even begin to sway, and he'll be lucky if he remembers to shut the door behind him, his body melding against yours as he picks you up and runs down to his car.

"No, no no no. You stay awake, cutie."

He's definitely breaking at least a dozen laws just trying to get you to Akso hospital as quickly as he can. His mind is racing as fast as his car is moving down the streets, wondering what could have happened to you, what he should be doing right now, if he should have administered first aid to you before taking off-

But he's there so fast, it would have been nearly identical on the clock regardless of him still choosing to rush you to the hospital, or run to get and administer first aid for you from within his home.

He's there until you wake up- wide awake no matter how long it takes. It could be minutes, hours, days- he can't sleep. The image of you dying before him- the image of you standing on his doorstep as well- etched on the back of his eyelids every time he tried to close his eyes.

He talks to you even when you're not awake, stroking your hand, your cheek, the side of your neck- trying to make sure you're as comfortable as he can make you.

When you wake up again, he has to hold himself back with everything in him from squeezing you too tightly. He doesn't want to burst your stitches or harm you, but his body and arms are all-encompassing on you as he hugs you firmly, his face buried in the crook of your neck.

He really doesn't need you to see him cry.

[applecaviar]

LADS and their reaction to their firstborn babies getting vaccines.

I saw a video on tik tok about how fathers reacted and it inspired this.

* 2 month old babies

I really suck at fluff so I hope you like it.

The doctor's office is an environment that Rafayel finds particularly unsettling. The white walls seem to close in around him with each passing second, the fluorescent lights flickering overhead. He paces back and forth  in front of the examination table where you sit, cradling your tiny daughter in your arms. His blue and pink eyes are wild, darting from your calm face to the array of syringes and medical tools laid out on the tray beside them. 

He stops his pacing for a moment, leaning over you to brush a strand of hair away from his daughter's tiny face. His touch is gentle, almost reverent, as he traces the curve of her cheek with the pad of his finger. She coos softly and for a moment, Rafayel's worries melt away.

But as he straightens up, the anxiety returns with a vengeance. He starts to pace again, his mind racing with worst case scenarios. What if something goes wrong? What if she has an allergic reaction to the shots? The thought makes his stomach turn, and he feels the urge to scoop her up and run, to take her far away from this place.

As the doctor enters the room, Rafayel feels his heart begin to race. He takes a deep breath, trying to calm himself, but it's no use. He reaches out and scoops the baby up into his arms, cradling her close to his chest. He can feel her warmth, the softness of her skin, and it calms him in a way that nothing else could. He presses a kiss to the top of her head, breathing in the scent of her hair, before turning to face the doctor.

"I'll hold her," he says, his voice more commanding than he intended. The doctor nods, not seeming to take offense at Rafayel's tone.

As the doctor approaches with the first shot, Rafayel takes a deep breath and holds it, bracing himself for his daughter's cry. But as the needle pierces her skin, she doesn't make a sound. She just blinks up at Rafayel with her big, innocent eyes, trusting and unafraid. He feels a lump form in his throat, and he has to swallow hard to keep himself from breaking down. He can't cry in front of the doctor, can't show any sign of weakness. But inside, he's falling apart, torn between the desire to protect his daughter and the knowledge that he can't shield her from everything.

The doctor reaches for the second injection and Rafayel feels his daughter start to squirm in his arms. He tightens his grip on her, holding her close as he tries to soothe her with soft words and gentle pats on her back. But as the needle touches her skin, she lets out a soft whimper that turns into a full blown pout, her little rosebud mouth twisting as tears start to well up in her eyes. The sight of her distress is like a knife to Rafayel's heart, and he can't help but mirror her expression.

Rafayel's own lips purse into a perfect match of his daughter's pout, his brows furrowing in a mixture of sympathy and shared discomfort. He makes a soft, comforting noise in the back of his throat rocking his daughter gently as he tries to ease her pain.

"Shh, it's okay, cutie. Daddy's here," he murmurs, pressing his cheek against hers. He can feel the dampness of her tears against his skin, and it makes his heart ache in a way that he's never experienced before.

The doctor finishes writing on the chart, snapping it closed with a soft thud. He looks up, noticing the matching pouts on both Rafayel's and his daughter's faces. A small smile plays at the corners of his mouth, amused by the identical expressions.

"All done," the doctor says, setting the chart down on the counter. "You can head out whenever you're ready."

Rafayel just nods, not trusting himself to speak without his voice cracking. He's still focused on soothing his daughter, who has started to sniffle softly.

He stands up, cradling her close to his chest as he turns to face you. His eyes are still locked on his daughter's face, watching as a single tear rolls down her cheek.

"I'll wait for you in the car". With that, he strides out of the room, his footsteps echoing in the quiet hallway. He doesn't wait for your response, knowing that you will understand his urgency. Right now, all that matters is getting his little girl somewhere comfortable and safe, where he can hold her until the pain fades away.

Caleb blinked rapidly, the scent of the doctor's office piercing through the haze of his memories. He clutches his baby boy tighter, his heart pounding in his chest as he tried to ground himself in the present. The cry of his little one snapped him out of the dark thoughts that had been consuming him.

"Shh, it's alright, little man," Caleb murmured, his voice low and soothing as he rocked the baby gently in his arms. "Papa's got you."

Hospitals always brought back a flood of painful memories, reminders of the trauma he had endured.

The nurse entered, a kind smile on her face as she prepared the vaccines. Caleb's jaw clenched, his grip on his baby boy tightening instinctively. He hated seeing his little one in any kind of distress, and he knew the shots would likely make him cry.

"Alright, sweetheart, look at me," Caleb said softly, tilting his baby's chin up with his finger to meet his gaze. "Papa's right here with you. You're so strong and brave, and this will be over before you know it."

He knew you could see the slight tremor in his hands, the tension coiled in his broad shoulders. But he also knew you could read the unshakable love and determination burning in his eyes, the silent vow to be the best father he could possibly be.

"Alright, sweetheart, here we go," the nurse said softly, her hand outstretched for the first tiny syringe.

Caleb took another deep breath, holding his little one impossibly closer. He watched as the first prick of the needle broke the skin, and his baby boy let out a startled wail.

"It's okay, it's okay," Caleb cooed, rocking and swaying with his son as the first shot was administered. "You're being so good, so brave. Just a little pinch, and then it's all over. You're doing amazing."

He could feel the anger and fear rising up inside him, the urge to lash out at the nurse, at anyone who dared to cause his child pain. But he pushed it down when he felt your hand on his shoulder, your touch a soothing balm to his frayed nerves. 

As the nurse finished administering the last shot, Caleb held his son close, letting the little baby cry into his broad chest. He stroked his back gently, murmuring words of love and comfort until the wails began to subside into shuddering breaths and soft whimpers.

As the nurse stepped out of the room, he turned his attention back to his son, gently wiping away the remnants of tears from his little face. He noticed the slight tremble in his own hands as he reached for the baby's tiny clothes, and his heart clenched. He knew you had seen it too, could feel your gaze on him, filled with understanding and concern.

"Here, let me help," you said softly, "Why don't you go ahead and fill out the paperwork, and I'll finish getting our little guy dressed?"

"Okay," he said, his voice tight. "Are you sure you don't mind? I don't want to leave you with all the work."

You shook your head "It's fine baby, go"

He stood up slowly, carefully transferring your now calmer son into your waiting arms. As he did, he leaned in close, his forehead resting against yours for a brief, stolen moment.

"Thank you," he whispered, pouring all his gratitude and love into those two simple words. "I'll be right back"

With a final, lingering look at his little family, Caleb turned and headed for the door, his heart heavy but also filled with a profound sense of love and belonging. He knew he was lucky to have you by his side, to have someone who understood him in a way that no one else could.

Zayne paced back and forth in the pediatrician's office, his hazel eyes flickering with a mix of nervousness and intensity as he recited the benefits of the upcoming shots for the twins. In his arms, he cradled the tiny, squirming form of the baby girl, while you held your baby boy close to your chest.

He paused, realizing the tension in his shoulders and forcing himself to take a deep breath. This wasn't about Zayne's medical expertise, it was about the fact that the tiny humans in your arms were his children, and the thought of them being in pain, even briefly, made Zayne's stomach churn.

Focus, Zayne, he told himself, pushing down the nervousness threatening to consume him.

Zayne's eyes widened slightly as the nurse entered the room, her hand holding the small needles. Without hesitation, he gently transferred the fussing baby girl into the nurse's arms, his large hands carefully placing the tiny bundle of warmth and soft skin into the woman's arms.

"Here, hold her," Zayne said, his voice only wavering slightly. "I can do this. I'll give them their shots."

The nurse and you both stared at Zayne in stunned disbelief as he reached for the syringe, eyes wide with concern.

"Dr. Zayne, you can't do that!" the nurse exclaimed, her voice rising in pitch. "It's not appropriate for you to administer vaccines to your own family members. I'm a registered nurse, and it's my job to handle this."

Realizing the gravity of his overstep, Zayne quickly but gently took the baby girl from the nurse's arms, cradling her close to his broad chest. He sat down beside you, the warmth of your body a comforting presence as the reality of his actions sank in.

"I... I apologize," Zayne said, his voice uncharacteristically soft and hesitant. "I overstepped. That was not appropriate of me to try and take over like that." Please, continue," he said to the nurse, gesturing for her to continue.

As the nurse gently held the baby girl's thigh, preparing to administer the shot, Zayne blurted out:

"I read that if you do it higher up..."

"Zayne.." you interrupted him, placing a calming hand on Zayne's muscular forearm.

"Please, continue," you said to the nurse, offering her an apologetic smile.

As the first shot was administered and the baby girl let out a heart wrenching cry, Zayne instinctively tightened his grip around her tiny, squirming body. He could feel each hiccup and gasp against his broad chest as he bounced her gently, trying to soothe her.

"It's okay my little jasmine," Zayne murmured, his deep voice rumbling softly in his chest. "You're being so brave. Mommy and Daddy are right here."

He glanced at you "She's okay," he said, more to reassure himself than anything else. "It's just a little pinch, sweetheart."

The second shot was given to the baby girl, and her cries intensified, filling the room with a heart wrenching symphony of pain and distress. Zayne felt his heart clench in his chest, the sound of his daughter's anguish hitting him like a physical blow. He tightened his arms around her, rocking the crying baby gently.

When the nurse turned to administer the shots to the baby boy cradled in your arms, his cries joined, the twins now a duet of distressed wails. Zayne's eyes met yours, and he could see the pain and concern etched on your face.

He leaned in closer to you, his voice low and urgent.

"Swap babies," Zayne said "Let me take him. I can help calm him down, and you can soothe her."

Zayne gently took the crying baby boy from your arms, cradling him close to his broad chest. He began to sway softly, the natural rocking motion seeming to soothe the infant as his cries started to decrease.

"Shhh, it's alright, little man," Zayne murmured, his deep voice a comforting rumble against the baby's ear. "Daddy's got you"

At the same time, you took the now quieter baby girl into your arms, cooing softly to her as you gently bounced her and patted her back.

"You three did so well" Zayne blinked, the nurse's praise only registering once she had left the room. He looked down at the now calm and quiet baby boy nestled in his arms, his hazel eyes widening slightly as the realization dawned on him.

"You know," you said softly, a gentle smile on your face as you cradled the equally settled baby girl, "the nurse is right. We all did well, especially you."

Xavier sat calmly in the doctor's office, cradling his baby girl gently in his muscular arms. She was fast asleep, her tiny face scrunched up slightly as she dreamed. Xavier's eyes were soft as he gazed down at her, a gentle smile playing on his lips.

He had been nervous about bringing her here today, not wanting her to be poked but knowing it was necessary for her health. Xavier had seen countless advances in medicine throughout the centuries, but the thought of his tiny baby getting shots made his heart ache. His heart raced as he heard the doctor enter the room, the sound of the tiny syringes clinking together making his breath catch in his throat. He watched intently as the doctor approached, his arms instinctively tightening protectively around his baby girl.

When the doctor gently cleaned a small area on his daughter's chubby thigh, she remained completely still, her eyelids not even fluttering as she slept on, blissfully unaware of what was about to happen.

Xavier's deep blue eyes flicked up to meet the doctor's gaze, silently conveying his unease. "Please, be gentle..." he murmured under his breath, the plea barely audible.

Your grip on Xavier's shoulder tightened reflexively when you saw the needle prick her soft skin. Xavier couldn't help but wince, his grip on her tightened reflexively. He clenched his jaw, fighting the urge to pull her away from the source of her brief discomfort. As the second needle pierced her tiny thigh and she jumped slightly in her sleep, Xavier's heart ached.

"Shhh, it's okay, my little star. I got you," he cooed softly, rocking her gently. His hand on her back rubbed soothing circles as he pressed a tender kiss to her hair, breathing in her comforting baby scent. 

Despite the small sting she had just experienced, she remained fast asleep in the safety of her father's strong arms.  "She's incredible," he breathed to the doctor, a note of awe and fierce pride in his voice. "Such a brave girl, even at this age."

"And she is beautiful, just like her mother" you heard the doctor say.

Xavier glanced at you, a hint of jealousy flickering in his deep blue eyes as the doctor's words echoed in the room. Beautiful, just like her mother...He cleared his throat, a slight frown tugging at his soft lips.

As the doctor left you both alone in the room Xavier's gaze remained fixed on you, his expression unreadable for a long moment. Then, he spoke in a low, slightly gruff tone tinged with possessiveness.

"We may need to consider changing pediatricians," he murmured  "A professional, not a admirer." With a soft sigh, he adjusted the baby's blanket, his focus back on his daughter's comfort, even as his thoughts lingered on the doctor's words.

Sylus cradles his baby close to his chest, one large, veiny hand supporting his tiny back while the other gently pats and soothes. The little boy is a miniature version of him, his crimson eyes seem to hold the same enigmatic depth Sylus possesses. The only feature the baby inherited from you is the soft hair that peeks out from beneath the striped knit cap.

The baby squirms slightly in his arms, his tiny lips parting as he lets out a soft coo. Sylus smiles down at him, a rare sight of genuine tenderness softening his sharp features. "Shh, little one," Sylus murmurs, "We'll get through this together. You and me, we're a team now."

The door to the exam room opens, and the nurse enters with a tray of syringes. Sylus' eyes narrow, his instincts screaming at him to protect his son from any pain. But he forces himself to relax, knowing it's a necessary evil.

"Alright, sweetie," the nurse says with a warm smile. "We'll need to give him two shots today. Are you guys ready?"

Sylus nods, he holds himself with his usual air of calm, unflappable composure, his broad shoulders squared and his chin held high. To the outside world, he looks every inch the picture of a confident, even arrogant man who fears nothing.

But you know better. You can see the subtle tension in the line of his jaw, the way his fingers tighten almost imperceptibly around your son's small, warm body. You recognizes the flash of fear that flickers briefly in his eyes before he tamps it down.

Sylus feels his heart lurch as the nurse approaches, her hand outstretched with a small alcohol wipe. He watches, his eyes intense and unwavering, as she gently cleans the top of the baby's thigh, preparing it for the shots. The baby, sensing the unfamiliar touch, pulls his chubby leg back, his face scrunching up as he starts to fuss.

Instinctively, Sylus tightens his hold on the baby, his arms cradling him protectively. He can feel the baby's small body stiffen and squirm against his chest, and it takes every ounce of his self control not to snatch his son away from the nurse's reach.

"Easy, little one" you whisper "It will be over quickly, and then you'll be brave and strong, just like your father" Sylus knows it's not just his son who needs the reassurance. He needs it too.

Sylus feels his heart shatter as he watches his son's face contort in agony, a high pitched, wailing cry tearing from the baby's lungs. He can feel the tiny body in his arms thrashing and shuddering, small fists clenched and tiny feet kicking.

When the second shot is administered Sylus clenches his jaw, a muscle ticking furiously in his cheek as he fights the urge to roar at the nurse to stop, to take the needles away, to make the pain cease. His arms tighten even more around his son, crushing him against his broad chest as if he could absorb the pain into himself, could take it away.

You sign the paperwork with a shaky hand, the pen trembling slightly as you initial each line. As you turn to face Sylus, you take in the sight of him, his normally composed and confident demeanor utterly shattered, replaced by a man consumed by desperation. Your heart clenches at the sight of a single tear tracking down Sylus' cheek. He quickly brushes away the tear, not wanting you to see the raw vulnerability he feels in this moment. 

He stands slowly, the baby's screams now morphing into hiccupping sobs and then into soft, shuddering breaths. He turns to you, his expression softening slightly as he reaches out to take your hand in his. He laces your fingers together, squeezing gently as if seeking comfort and strength from your touch.

You gently take your son from his arms, cradling the baby close to your chest. You can feel the tiny body still trembling slightly, the soft breaths coming in shuddering puffs against your neck. "Let's go home, little guy" you coo softly, rocking the baby gently as you take a step towards the door. "It's all over now. Mommy's got you"

"Come on, let's take him home", you say softly, glancing up at Sylus with a tender smile. You can see the way his eyes soften as he looks at your son, the love and devotion written plainly across his handsome face.

[ephemeralinstance]

One thing that fascinates me about Solas in Inquisition is that he does a terrible and deeply hurtful thing to the Inquisitor and all of his friends in the Inquisition; but he does it before he actually meets them.

He gives the orb to Corypheus long before he knows of any of these people, then decides to join forces with the Inquisition before most of them have shown up. And once it's done, he is essentially locked in. He can't possibly tell anyone in the Inquisition that he's responsible for everything that's happened at the Conclave and since; they would most likely kill him, or at least immediately expel him from the Inquisition. He really has no choice but to continue the deception. Maybe there's a window in which he could have told the Inquisitor, in the case of an extremely understanding and forgiving Inquisitor, but even for the very kindest of Inquisitors that would be a lot to accept.

So he's in this situation. When he first came to the Inquisition, deceiving them probably didn't seem like a particularly bad thing to do. It was a group of fervent Andrastians, followers of a religion that has committed atrocities against his people again and again. Why should he feel bad about lying to them?

But then - he starts getting to know people. He starts to make friends with them, to care for them. Maybe even to develop a romantic connection with the Inquisitor. And slowly he starts to recognise that he's doing a terrible thing to them, but he can't get out of it. There's nothing he could possibly do at this point other than simply run away, and he can't do that either because he has to stick it out to defeat Corypheus.

Every day he gets closer to them, what he's doing becomes worse. And yet the closer he gets to them, the more impossible it is to tell the truth, because the closer the friendships the more painful the betrayal. It's so fascinating and poignant to think of him stuck in this terrible cycle of steadily increasing guilt and shame and the knowledge that there's nothing he can do to make it right. You can see it in him, after the Temple of Mythal: he's increasingly spiralling and panicking and he just doesn't know how to extract himself gracefully from the situation he's created. This is a terrible thing he's done to his friends, but he did it before they were his friends and really there was no point at which he could have stopped it after that.

[firelilyfox]

a promise from the past

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x female reader

Summary: He saw you sacrificing yourself to safe his life. Now Bucky has to live with the guilt of loosing you - the love of his life. He is convinced that without you, life is not worth living anymore.

Until you return to him.

Wordcount: 2k ish

Warnings: anxiety. depression. (happy ending I promise). grief. loss. trauma. death. kissing. reunion. dating Bucky. established relationship. bad mental health. mention of injuries.

_________________

The heat under your feet almost drove you crazy. Your hands clung to the only thing that kept you from falling into the burning death.

Bucky. 

He was trapped under two heavy gas pipes, which crushed his upper body with each passing second. You could see how hard it was for him to catch his breath and by the painful expression on his face you could tell that at least one of his ribs was broken.

"Hold on tight! For god's sake, hold on tight, doll!” he shouted desperately. His fingers were like a vice around your wrist, already bruising the skin.

“Bucky...” your voice was no more than a frightened croak.

You could see how Steve, on the other side of the engine room, fighting with a handful of soldiers.

And then your eyes slid down again.

Gas tanks that exploded.

Flames that spread miles high.

Fear spreads in your muscles and makes them freeze. But the knowledge of the inevitable swiped away all thoughts from your consciousness.

End station. From here there was no escape.

You look up at Bucky. Tears blurred your vision. A grotesque smile was on your lips. In the face of your situation, it seemed strangely calm and gentle.

"Bucky, I'm sorry."

The words chased naked fear into his beautiful face. Darkened his clear, blue eyes in horror and despair.

His grip tightened. Your joint began to crack under the pressure. "No! No, love. Please don't do this to me!”

Your fingers loosened her clamp grip around his forearm and you feel how your arm slowly slipped from his hand. “It's okay. Someone has to get out of here. You have to live.”

He squirmed under the crushing weight of the pipes. "There is no life for me without you! That's not right. That can't have been it! Never.”

Bucky gathered his strength and tried to pull you over the edge of the platform with one arm, but couldn't. His shoulder was at an unnatural angle and he screamed.

Pain and despair resulted in an animalistic sound that even rose over the deafening rant of the flames below you.

You're sobbing. “Promise me you'll surive. No matter how. You have to survive.” You turn your arm so that Bucky loses his grip and can only grab your hand in the last second.

You give him a sad smile. “I love you, Bucky Barnes. Never forget that. We find each other in the next life. Promised.”

You let go of his hand and fall into the flames.

When Bucky woke up from the nightmare, he was sweaty. His pulse racing. And he was shaking all over his body.

The room lay in impenetrable darkness, but that did not reassure him at all. With wild glances, he searched his bedroom for a sign. After something that indicated that you were still with him.

But there was no one. Like every time he woke up from that dream, he realized that the same thing had happened.

Back in 1943.

You have fallen into the flames, sacrificed yourself for Bucky and bound him to a promise that he rather would like to break.

The promise to survive. It feels like he's dying. A little more every day.

Bucky turned on the small lamp next to him, leaning against the headboard of his bed. He looked at his hands.

His left hand - bionic, unnatural and cold. His right - still his own. Human.

He could still feel how he held you with it. Feel how his grip on your arm loosened.

He hated his hands. Wished he could cut off both of them.

His thoughts flew to the night of his rescue mission. He was held captive and tortured. Steve and you gained access to the Hydra base just to save him. He could still remember your face. How it appeared above him when he was tied to the examination table in a delirium. Even when he was completely pumped up with drugs and didn't even know how he had landed there - he recognized you.

Your lips felt warm and soft on his. They tasted salty because you couldn't stop crying.

You found me. He had said in a broken voice.

I'll always find you. You replied with a smile.

Bucky shook off the images. Since he had to relive his worst moments from Void, the images were clearer than ever. His therapist had advised him to write down these dreams and memories so that he could process them better.

He was tired of writing the same words. Again and again. His gaze slid to the pile of notebooks on the floor next to his bed. Not a single page left empty. Each page showed exactly the same words as the previous one.

Bucky stopped long ago putting the words on paper. He just wanted it to stop hurting.

"Wow, you look even more shitty today than usual."

John Walker drank his coffee from a cup printed with a hamster whose eyes were unnaturally large. Above the disfigured animal were words that Bucky could not decipher. It was one of Yelena's cups. She enjoyed printing them with some memes.

„Eat shit, John.“ 

His eyebrows shot up. "Woah. Calm down, dude. I didn't want to hurt your ego.” He paused for a moment to think about what to say. "Your hair looks great today."

Bucky showed him the middle finger. John nodded and devoted himself to his hamster cup again.

“Good morning, guys. We have a lot to do today.” Yelena entered the common room with a tablet in her hand and typed wildly on it.

"Without me. I have my own obligations," Bucky muttered irritably and raised a hand defensively in her direction.

Yelena frowned. "And that would be? A withdrawal? Bucky, you look terrible.”

"I told him that, too," John remarked.

"Who said what?" Bob entered the room together with Alexei.

Bucky sighed.

Ava appeared as if out of nowhere and opened the helmet of her suit. "Bucky looks like shit today."

Bob gasped. "That's not a nice thing to say, Ava!"

"I wasn't. John and Yelena said that. I just repeated it!”

“How long have you been standing there? Are you spying on us the whole time? That's pretty perverted.” John grunted indignantly.

„Ha. You wish.“ Ava snorted.

Bucky felt his patience finally shretched. He hit the stone table top with his fist and cracked it. A tense silence settled over the Thunderbolts.

"I'm busy," Bucky said threateningly calmly and disappeared from the common room.

He still heard how the others wondered about his strange behaviour, but that didn't interest him anymore. Lately, he didn't care at all. He knew that the others didn't mean it badly, but all Bucky wanted - was to be left alone.

Bucky spent the day throwing himself into training. He burdened his body so much that no more thoughts had room in his head. He ran away from them. Hit them. Tried to chase bullets into them. To push them away with pure muscle power.

Nothing helped.

His body was shivering with energy, pulsating with adrenaline, and yet he felt paralysed. Like the memory of you hanging on his back - impossible to shake off.

Guilt and infinite grief were all he could feel.

"If you continue to beat up the poor thing like this, it will report you for assault."

Bucky looked at the completely demolished concrete pillar. He had unintentionally put up with it. The punching bags were too soft and too light. They gave no resistance. So he could at least feel the pain of his flesh hand on impact.

"What do you want, Yelena?"

She snorted amused. "Damn, you're in a bad mood today. I thought you'd took it out on the architecture by now.” She nodded meaningfully to the pillar.

Bucky remained silent. With a gloomy look, he waited for Yelena to get to the point.

"Ugh, fine." She rolled her eyes. “We were on the road today and uncovered some of Valentina's greasy businesses. Among other things, a test laboratory in Brazil.”

She handed Bucky her tablet. Some documents were opened on it, but that was not what made Bucky almost faint.

There was a picture. Black and white and a terrible quality. But he recognized the person immediately.

"Impossible." He swifted through the data for more precise information. After a date when this image was taken.

"She's here, Bucky." The look on her face told him that she put the pieces together. Of course she did. Yelena always knows.

His world turned. He felt her tip over and he threatened to plunge over the cliff into endless nothingness. "What?"

Yelena nodded and Bucky had already disappeared from the training room.

Impossible.

No way.

He had seen you die. Bucky had allowed you to sacrifice yourself. Your death had been the greatest sin of his entire, far too long life.

But there you are. Surrounded by the Thunderbolts, which all looked pretty worn and dirty. You stand with your back to him as Bucky enters the room. But he would recognize your frame everywhere.

"Impossible," he murmured.

Yelena shurred past him and booted at the others to scare them out of the small hospital room. They obeyed reluctantly.

"How is that possible?"

You glance over your shoulder and your heart stopped. He still looked the same as he did back in 1943. Still the same beautiful face and the same clear, blue eyes. Only they were marked by pain and repentance. His hair was a little longer than it was then. And he was bigger, stronger.

Rougher. 

“Hi,” your voice was nothing more than a fragile whisper. But it broke the invisible barrier between you and Bucky didn't waste another second. With two long steps he was with you and closed you in his arms. Your body snuggled perfectly against his. The feeling of home flooded you.

You could feel how wildly his heart pulsed under your cheek. His smell clouded your senses. He even smelled like back then. How is this possible?

"I thought I'd lost you, doll." Bucky pressed a kiss on your hair without freeing you from the hug. "Impossible."

A tear-choked giggle came out of your mouth. "You repeat yourself."

Bucky leaned back to look at you. He noticed every inch of your face. Every little thing. His thumb stroked your cheek, wiping away the tears you couldn't hold back any longer. His fingers laid in the curve of your neck, gently brushing over the sensitive, soft skin.

Although, not quite.

Bucky noticed the scars for the first time. They showed sideways over your neck, up to your lower jaw and disappeared under the collar of your shirt.

Sheer horror was reflected in his eyes. You put your hand over his and avoid his gaze.

"I don't look quite the same as I used to. For the most part, everything is the same, but the fire has left its mark on me."

Bucky remained silent for a moment. You almost expect rejection, disgust in fact. Then he gently put his bionic fingers under your chin and lifted it so that you had to look at him.

"You are as beautiful as the day I lost you."

Then he kissed you.

His lips rested gently but firmly on yours. An invitation. A welcome home for your lonely heart. You get up on your tiptoes to give yourself completely to him. Your arms found their predetermined place around his neck.

Bucky pulled you closer to him, firmly and vigourously. It felt so good - real - to finally have you in his arms again. Your body was made for his. Your heart was connected to his, he could feel it. Your kiss tasted salty. Just like he remembered.

As you stepped away from each other, breathing heavily, Bucky touched your forehead with his, closing his eyes. He absorbed this moment. Called to mind that this was real. You are real. You're alive.

"You found me."

"I will always find you."

————————————-

Thank you so much for reading! 💙 All interactions are highly appreciated ✨ (but please don’t copy my work)

BUCKY BARNES MASTERLIST

[echantedtoon]

Considering that baby doughs cannonically look like cute little blobs with arms and legs how would the cookies react to seeing their blob baby? And how would they react to holding them for the first time?? Also what are they like during labor?

(Warnings for pregnancy and labor. )

BURNING SPICE COOKIE:

-This man is the definition of stress if it grew legs and walked out of the dictionary. He is literally the shocked Pikachu face meme when you first tell him. He's panicking internally. He's not a dad. He CAN'T be a dad! There's no way he COULD be a dad! He doesn't believe that you're actually pregnant until he sees all the changes happening to your body. Being the Herald Of Change meant he knew all changes in the world, including the changes a woman had when she got pregnant. Honestly he went out and destroyed things to relieve stress and tried not to bring the anger around you too much. He avoided you a bit cuz he wouldn't know how to deal with the hormones and odd behavior but he'd leave Nutmeg Tiger Cookie to tend to you.

-He's there when baby dough arrives, but he waits outside slowly squeezing the life out of rocks or screaming into the void trying to relieve the stress in the only way he knows how- Destroying things and yelling until the delivery is over with. He still doesn't go anywhere near your room until Nutmeg Tiger Cookie tells him that you're wanting to see him. Not wanting to look scared in front of his minions, he went in but was absolutely (terrified-) weary on the inside. He barely makes it to your bed and you're shoving a tiny bundle at him in the shape of a waffle cone.

-He freezes. Fully just FREEZES up having them in his hands, staring at a soundly sleeping red blob wrapped up in soft blankets. It looked...weak. Helpless. Pathetic. Everything he hated and everything he wasn't and yet- "Are you alright there?" He doesn't speak for a long, long moment just staring blankly at the baby fast asleep. ".......We're naming this creature Pumpkin Spice Cookie." "You can't just name him without me, Babe." "Better! Pound Cake Cookie so he has a fitting name when he pummels his enemies!!" "Absolutely not!!" "We'll create an army of heirs to conquer Golden Cheese Cookie!!!" He's proudly holding Pumpkin Spice/Pound Cake Cookie in the air like a true proud papa! "You will be the first member of our growing army!!" "I am not going through THAT again!" "What?....Not even one more?" "NO!"

SHADOW MILK COOKIE:

-Out of everyone on this list, Shadow Milk is THE most prepared for the incoming of his baby. Ex Fount of Knowledge means he knows everything that's going to happen and does his best to accommodate you and prepare for the baby's arrival. Making you all your cravings, stuffing the nursery full of toys, dealing with all his enemies before they found out about his greatest weakness- Y'know regular soon-to-be dad stuff. If he can't be around you then he has Black Sapphire or Candy Apple help you. Usually Black Sapphire if he can help it since Candy Apple Cookie is more... irrational.

-He's right there holding your hand as you go into labor, squeezing the life out of his hand that he's sure you permanently broke his hand but he's too distracted panicking because he has no idea what to do. All that preparing and no how just went bye bye as soon as you started screaming in absolute pain and cursing him out- "I'M GOING TO DESTROY YOUR BODY A SECOND TIME SO YOU CAN NEVER DO THIS TO ME AGAIN!!" and "I'M GOING TO RIP OFF YOUR MILKDUDS AND FEED THEM TO THE SUGAR GNOMES!!!" He's very scared of the absolute hatred on your face only stuttering encouraging words until he hears a baby screaming. There's a thud as he faints... literally just drops to the floor out cold for twenty minutes.

-His body is literally shaking in both excitement and nerves as he reaches out so the doctor can hand him the moving bundle. As soon as he looks at the blue blob lightly crying with big watery yellow eyes blinking up at him..he breaks. Shadow Milk Cookie doesn't cry..but he was 'sweating out of his eyes' and (sobbing-) 'gasping for air' as he holds the squirming blob. "She's perfect. *Sob* She's so perfect. Aahhh-" You're worried about the amount of tears coming from his multiple eyes staining the floor.

PURE VANILLA COOKIE:

-He's very concerned about your health during this time and can become very clingy, out of concern and love of course. He's very doting in bringing you food, holding your hair back when you're sick, and being there for every doctor appointment. Even offers to heal you whenever you feel even a little sore even if it's unnecessary. He's literally too precious- He's there when you go into labor and rushing you to the other healers with the emergency baby bag he prepared after asking Hollyberry advice as to what to expect as a fellow mother and Dark Cacao as a fellow dad.

-He's doing everything from holding your hand (he'll heal it later), give you encouragement, and offers to heal you if the pain becomes too much. It won't really do anything in the middle of pushing a whole other cookie out of your body but the gesture is appreciated. When the baby arrives, Pure Vanilla starts crying asking if you're ok and starts praising you- "You did it, Darling. Thank you. I'm so proud of you. I love you so much." He's literally too precious. He's smiling the happiest he's ever been in his life looking at the chubby little yellow blobs in his arms. Twins! He's sobbing harder with a big smile as one sleeps and the other waves his chubby arms at him happy to receive affection from their dad.

ELDER FAERIE COOKIE:

-Very calm. He's able to reassure you that everything was going to be alright and assured you he's going to be with you every step of the way, and he does. From the day you both find out you're expecting, he's by your side all day every day assisting you with anything you need, insisting you stay in bed rest despite your protests, and insists on his servants bringing him any books on parents they could get their hands on and anything else they need to the room he stays with you. You really have to almost kick him out of your bedroom to convince him to give you some space. Still insists on having some fairy servants stay with you at all times just in case.

-When the baby arrives he's literally flying faster than White Lily Cookie had ever seen him go. Bursting onto the bed chambers panting, crown crooked, and tripping over his robes as he comes in to sit next to you. "My love, are you alright?! I came as soon as I heard-" "Dear, calm down. You're more distressed than I am and I'm the one in pain." Despite his disheveled appearance, he's fairly calm with his heart pounding in his chest. Patiently watching the healers work and rubbing your head in comfort until the familiar cries of a baby was heard. He's patient, watching intently as the doctors handle a small bundle before offering it to him. A beautiful blob of brown stares back at him with silver eyes and curiously a delicate pain of underdeveloped silvery wings twitch on his back. "Well? How is he?" Elder Faerie smiles softly. "He's the most beautiful gift I could've ever been given."

DARK CACAO COOKIE:

-He's very apprehensive when he finds out he's going to be a father again. He's afraid he's going to fail them again like he feels like he did with Dark Choco and doesn't think he'll be a good father to anymore children. However the kingdom thinks it's a good idea that the Dark Kingdom has a proper heir again to ensure the throne's security. It's really only that reason and you're insistence on keeping the baby that he starts to come around to reluctantly accepting his fate. But he wants to try and be a good father to your baby for his wife and his future son/daughter.

-He's been through everything before so he's actually a real natural with taking care of you. Shadow Milk might be the smartest cookie but Dark Cacao is better at parenting and taking care of you while pregnant. He's attentive but isn't as worried as most other cookies. He trusts you to wonder around by yourself and he isn't as worried so he'll still go about his life(he still has a whole kingdom to run and worry about Mystic Flour's aftermath to deal with-) but he still has servants to assist you and he always checks on you at least once a day. "Do you need anything, Love?" "I'm having a doctor visit today." "Are you feeling ok today?" "I brought you the food you wanted."

-When labor comes he drops everything to go see you. Does't matter if it's an important meeting HIS WIFE IS GIVING BIRTH DAMMIT!! HE'LL BE DAMMED IF HE MISSES IT!! He decides to go with whatever you want or the doctor thinks it's best. He'll hold you through the process or sit outside in wait. Either way he's going to sit there until he hears his baby crying. And the baby? He's reluctant to hold them but does and finds himself shellshocked when a perfect little blob is blinking confused up at him. They looked so much as Dark Choco as a baby. He's overwhelmed with emotions nothing negative but a lot at once. Nearly crying as he lets the stubby arm grab his hand. "Hello there...I hope you don't mind having a fool like me as a father."

MILLENNIAL TREE COOKIE:

-Out of all the cookies on this list he's the most calm tbh. The vines foretold of his child/ren's arrival and he took it with as much happiness and calmly as he usually did. He's always known for his level headedness in any situation, and this for once was a very welcome surprise he embraced. Of course that didn't mean he still didn't take care of you. Most hands on to taking care of you such as massaging your sore back or ankles, making sure you always have plenty of healthy organic snacks within reach, and using natural remedies to help your soreness. Of course he's also making sure you're getting proper attention to yourself because he knows some women feel excluded from their husband's attention as soon as they have kids, and he never wants you to feel like that. He loves you both equally.

-Actually knows the exact time and day you go into labor and is calmly waiting by your side for it to start, excitement rustling his leaves. How does he know? No one is sure but perhaps the vines told him again. He is however very soothing and good at calming you through the process as a healer he had already sent Wind Archer Cookie to bring was helping(knowing how natural he is about things, he'd probably insist on a natural home birth). He's very calm still, but lightly crying when he hears the first cries of his baby and thanking the witches above for the miracle that he held in his arms. Lightly bouncing the light brown blob squirming around clearly unhappy in his blanket. He feels he's been truly blessed for this.

CREAM UNICORN COOKIE:

-Very excited when learning that they're gonna be a dad. They're literally from an amusement park and likes making kids laugh, so of course having children of they're own was never off the table! They doesn't care if they're their bio kids, adopted, step, foster, or just visiting the park with their families. They love being around kids and having some of their own is literally their dream come true, but they're going to have to learn how to actually raise a baby and prepare for them because raising a child and just playing with them at the park are two very different things.

-They're surprisingly very good at learning and taking care of you during this time. Reading as many books as they can, asking lots of parents especially those carrying baby doughs of their own for advice around the park, and of course making a nursery in their own tent. And yes the nursery is circus themed with a hot dog stand themed cradle, a mini merry go round, and even giant animal cracker plushies. You have no idea where they got them from. Well they're not no prepared when you're having pains or throwing up but they do their best to comfort you by trying to make you smile and help as much as possible.

-They panic when you first go into labor, fainting for around five minutes but quickly recovered to help you and get you to the nearest doctor. They had to wait outside the room because they were too nervous and jittery to offer any real help, so they're forced to wait until they hear three sets of cries. Triplets. They're so ECSTATIC to hold the three little blobs in their arms smiling like they were given all the love in the world in cotton candy pink, raspberry blue, and banana yellow baby doughs.

[kathaynesart]

LAST TIME ON REPLICA!

While the first UPDATE of the new arc went up just a few weeks ago, we'll now be jumping back into the thick of the main storyline so figured a little refresh was in order! I'll be posting the next update probably tomorrow, so here's a quick rundown on all the important points before we dive right back into it (TW: blood and character death mention):

In the previous arcs we see recordings of Donnie's final hours infiltrating the Technodrome. He is forced to cut off Leo's arm to save him from becoming infested by the Krang (and more importantly to keep the bomb planted in his head from going off, a safeguard so his memories can't be read by the Krang).

While the others escape Donnie stays behind against Leo's orders and manages to plant two pieces of purple-looking krang tech within the Technodrome. One appears to a probe which allow Shelldon to tap into the Krang mainframe and secretly spy on them. The other... we don't know. Captured and confronted by Krang Prime, Donnie choses to trigger the bomb in his own head so that his knowledge cannot be used by the Krang.

Omega decides to reveal what he can to April, explaining that the two pieces are part of a secret plan of Donnie's known as "Project Shield and Spear." Both are pieces of new hybrid krang tech he created using krang matter and Draxum's bioengineering. "Shield" is the probe they all knew about, but what "Spear" does he refuses to say. Whatever it is, he says it will only act as a last resort should the Krang win the war and will guarantee that they never attack another planet... and Omega is the only one who can pull the trigger.

Elsewhere, while Mikey had managed to awaken some of his old power within him, it feels like his Ninpo is not back to normal. He can do things he couldn't do before, like healing magic, but it all makes him very tired. Draxum explains that it's likely because he hasn't completely unlocked his ninpo and is using up his life force instead. Mikey decides to attempt to unlock his ninpo by using the powers he currently has.

He nearly achieves this but comes across another being that also seems to be reaching for the ninpo. Instead he chases after the voices he hears which sounds like Donnie's and is exposed to flashes of the new timeline created in the movie.

Back in the real world, it's not looking good as Mikey suddenly bursts with a rush of intense energy. He loses consciousness but gains a painful new hairdo.

While this is happening, Omega accidentally comes upon the coordinates where it seems Raph's body might have fallen in the Central Park Colony ruins. We end the arc with two familiar looking agents being sent out into the field to find and retrieve him...

And that's it! A lot of other things happened in Arc 4 and 5, but these are the major talking points you'll need to keep in mind! Hope that helps, I should probably have it up by tomorrow!

[fyuyushia]

"Someday, I know you'll come to your senses and leave me alone with all of my questions 'cause I don't have the answers I can't give you more. I know that you'll never be mine but I'll always be yours." — Senses

Ugh how does one write down their ideas in a way that makes sense and doesn't look like a mumbo jumbo mess😓😓

Sung Jinwoo getting in a relationship with reincarnated!reader who he slowly sees becoming very self destructive.

He can never figure out what goes on in that head of yours. Though you continue to stay with him, you always donned a paranoid, anxiety stricken expression that's barely concealed by the mockery of a smile you wore. Even if it was convincing to others, for him who's studied your features for ages, he could easily tell when it was genuine and when it wasn't.

It's not that you don't like him anymore—at least he thinks it's not. You acted skitterish whenever he initiated affection, yes, but you always reciprocated after a few seconds, craving it despite thinking it's wrong.

He doesn't understand why you accept his affection with such a guilty look. You bite your lip, eyes averting away from his own as you lean closer to his touch, tightening your hold on him just to make sure he wouldn't let go. You were a walking contradiction, and Jinwoo hopes you weren't this complicated.

He doesn't miss the way you constantly try to self sabotage, intentionally or unintentionally. You acted as if you were waiting on the day he'd wrung all his feelings for you dry, living every day with bated breath. It pained him to think of your actions, acting so distant despite longing for his affection more than anything else. What scared you so? What was it that terrified you so much you could never seem to find the time to simply bask in the moment and love for the sake of it?

What changed for you to act so differently? So scared of something, but counting on it to happen nonetheless. With what faith do you believe that something catastrophic would happen?

You who somehow ended up in the world of solo leveling. You don't know how you ended up here, was it reincarnation or transmigration? Isekai? You had memories of both the life you lived here and another life. It was confusing, seeing as both lives seemed similar to one another, the only difference being the presence of gates in this and the lack thereof in the other.

Fortunately or unfortunately—you vaguely remember reading a manhwa with a world building that fits the bill for the current one you lived in.

Solo leveling: a manhwa you've only recently finished back then. The main character? The man laying in bed next to you. Sung Jinwoo—your pathetic(loving) childhood friend Sung Jinwoo.

Since this revelation, you began to fear for your just recently blossomed relationship. The more Jinwoo played out what you've read in the manhwa, the more you worried about yourself. As far as you can remember, a character like you was never introduced, maybe they did, but only in a passing. Your lack of presence in the manhwa had caused fear to sink in and petrify you to the core.

What if Jinwoo plays out that certain part? Basing off on his current progress, Jinwoo was bound to meet Hae-in and get to know her more intimately from this point on. If that happens, what about you? What will happen to you who presumptuously stuck to his side even after knowing all this? Will you be cast aside? Forced to let go of this love just to follow through the story?

The fact that Jinwoo acted in ways that remained primarily loyal to the manhwa's story made you feel queasy. Will you be forced out of the picture when the time comes?

Thoughts like this gave way to self doubt, and self doubt then gave way to your self destructive habits. You couldn't love Jinwoo so sincerely anymore, couldn't look him in the eye without doubt creasing your features. The knowledge that he was fated to be with Cha Hae-in ate you up alive.

And if you think about it, who could be a more perfect pair for him? Unlike you, Hae-in was a capable hunter. Not only that, she was pretty, athletic, and not without a lovable personality as well. She was better than you, far, far better than you.

You felt yourself die on the inside as you came to terms with this fact. Resigning to your fate, whilst also wishing to be selfish, you reluctantly took whatever scraps of affection Jinwoo gave you. Before he'd move onto another, before he realizes how much you blinded him into thinking he loved you.

Sung Jinwoo notices the way you rarely cling onto him now. Instead, only stealing longing glances in his direction, hands twitching as if longing to touch but pulling away whenever you get too close. Every time, he gets the urge to just grab you by the wrist and forcefully wrap your arms around his neck, but he doesn't, afraid that doing so would only push you who slowly drifted apart from him further away.

He doesn't miss the way your body turns rigid when he mentions Hae-in in a passing. Your shoulders stiffen, and you bite your lip, barely holding back tears from the mention of her alone. That night, he spent hours comforting you, assuring you he would never leave.

Cha Hae-in was a sore topic for you, as noticed by Jinwoo. He thought it was petty jealousy at first, but now he had an inkling it was much deeper than that. You don't hold any sort of animosity towards her, matter of fact, you admired her to the point Jinwoo felt somewhat jealous by your zealous fangirling.

You seemed so sure he'd leave you for her, even encouraging him to spend time with her despite you clearly being uncomfortable with the idea. He's left confused by your antics, you don't want him to leave but you encourage him to get closer with Hae-in when you knew a simple no from you could easily convince him to cut off all relations with her and her associates.

Really, you seemed to have a penchant for contradicting yourself in the worst ways possible.

Sung Jinwoo feels his patience draw thin. Every attempt at a question was answered by a surety he found baffling. Did he seem that disloyal? He shouldn't be angry, he knows that. But seeing you slowly spiral into this complicated mess of a lover brings him closer to the brink of insanity as well.

What exactly would it take for you to see the way his heart burns for you only?

[eepy-cookies]

Characters: Shadow Milk Cookie x G/N! Reader Content Warning: Angst, Hurt/Comfort Spoilers for Beast-Yeast episode 8 of the finale Disclaimer: If the characters are ooc, remember that this is made for fun. (ngl its been a while since I type a fanfic, but I am still rusty on that so bear with me, plus I found a post on twitter that SMC could also be Blue Moon Cookie but its just a guess.)

After the defeat of the jester that got away...

There was a memory in the distant past, WAY before he himself was created. Surely you have heard the tale of the first five cookies that were made before they become the beast cookies, a cookie one of the beast fell in love but...

The witches had to hide a terrible secret that if a cookie has the most missing incomplete ingredients, that said cookie is sick and cannot live until old age.

??? Cookie: "Um... Are you sure that there is a way to create a cure?"

??? Cookie: "There is a possibility I believe, as a fount of knowledge I will find the cure. But if I kindly ask"

(I remember the first meeting we have (Y/N) Cookie, it pains me to know this...)

That unfortunate cookie named (Y/N) Cookie has an incurable illness, due to the Witch's mistake, The Fount of Knowledge was desperate to find the cure for (Y/N) Cookie, the very first friend who greeted the pre-corrupted beast in a kingdom that was now long gone. One of them falls for that unfortunate cookie, their kindness, patience, and confidence they had charmed him even if he was at his lowest. He knew the pain in the future and yet, he yearned for more.

They both get along well, it was peaceful for them. He never felt any happier just being by their side, but not all happiness last much longer.

One day he was about to give (Y/N) Cookie a gift, a love letter that will never be opened and read.

???: "(Y/N) COOKIE?!" ???: "PLEASE WAKE UP!"

He stood there shocked, (Y/N) Cookie was on the floor struggling to get up. He knew (Y/N) Cookie was sick and yet their own health is getting worse by the minute, in a act of desperation he decided to look further into knowledge casting a spell on (Y/N) Cookie to keep their health in check, but as the years go by madness took hold of him and decided to cast a spell on them.

???: "My love...I am sorry...."

Madness CLEARLY took a hold of him.

Shadow Milk Cookie: "I can't afford to lose you! So I will make you as one of my puppets! Hehehe... HAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!"

And yet...

Tears fell from his face, he drops down to his knees leaning closer to them.

He can't do it.

He can't harm the one he love dearly.

Leaving only behind a kiss on the forehead, and the unread love letter in their hands. He casted the spell that would last much longer in hopes to find a cure while he is away. After all he will just lie to himself that he killed them, it's no big deal.

----

Pure Vanilla Cookie: This must be the place.

Wizard Cookie: A coffin? Why this place?

Gingerbrave Cookie: !!! Look a cookie is inside!

Strawberry Cookie: Are they...still breathing?!

Pure Vanilla Cookie watch as the sleeping (Y/N) remained in the coffin, sleeping peacefully. To which he now understands why Shadow Milk Cookie was trying to preserve some of his energy, casting a life lasting spell was taking a toll on him even if he was sealed.

Pure Vanilla Cookie: I hope this spell allowed you to wake up...

With no other explanation another spell was casted, pure healing magic was casting on (Y/N) Cookie. Pure Vanilla Cookie witnessed this tragic memory, and yet he had to secretly admit, he is evil but his capability of magic was greater far from what he had imagined.

But all that's left was silence, and yet...

Everyone: !!!

??? Cookie: ...W....Wh....

Gingerbrave Cookie: Look their awake!

Pure Vanilla Cookie: (Y/N) Cookie..... are you awake?

(Y/N) Cookie: ...H...hung.....r..y...

Strawberry Cookie quickly pull out an extra supply of royal bear jellies and gently feed (Y/N) Cookie as the others watch in concern. In the corner of Pure Vanilla Cookie's soul jam they aren't the only ones who witness a miracle that was tragic yet so real.

---

Arriving at a safe in (Y/N) Cookie was put on a wheel chair carefully eating the jelly soup one of the cookies made, they themselves were confused knowing that they would pass on and yet here they are somehow alive, still sick but still living, as if someone was carrying the burden off from their shoulders.

(Y/N) Cookie looked at the letter that they kept and had not opened and kept it close to them at all times. They need to know what happen, what year is it, and most importantly...where are their only friends?

...

..

.

That night when everyone is asleep, (Y/N) Cookie wheeled their way to the balcony watching the stars holding the letter close to their chest. Wondering where did their friend go, glancing at the letter that was remained fresh despite how many years has passed. They opened the letter carefully just to give it a read.

But before they can actually read it...

??? Cookie: ...(Y../N) Cookie?"

That recognizable voice from behind, (Y/N) Cookie looked to see that what was once the one they knew was in a different appearance of a jester. They were supposed to feel fear and yet...

(Y/N) Cookie: ...Are...you.... Blue Moon / Blueberry Milk Cookie?

He walked closer to see if they are actually alive, (Y/N) is still sick but cannot walk properly. Their hands reached out to him, gently touching his cheek. His face was unreadable and yet...

Shadow Milk Cookie: Are you....awake? (Y/N) Cookie?

There was no voice is mischief or anything, just pure vulnerable voice he has left of them. (Y/N) Cookie nodded as he kneel on the ground gently yet carefully hugging (Y/N) Cookie hiding his face to their chest. (Y/N) Cookie gently hugged him back remembering the usual scent that they personally love.

His own body shaking which (Y/N) was crying in turn, wondering to themselves what happened to him when they are asleep for SO very long?

[bluebells-and-dragonflies]

God, the intimacy of Astarion feeding from you.

Astarion drinking from your neck as he pulls your body closer to his in bed, his chest up against your back, his arms wrapped around your waist. It's a casual thing, now, his whispered can I? and your answering nod, as much a part of your bedtime routine as your bath or his curl care. You sigh as his fangs pierce your skin and his fingers flex against your stomach. His breath hitches when the taste of you hits his tongue, and that's familiar too, the physicality of it, the noises he makes low in his throat as he drinks, the way he grows warmer against you as your blood begins to flow through his veins. Nothing else makes you feel so heady, so intoxicated- so comforted.

Astarion drinking from your wrist when he’s starving for it and can’t wait to get you more comfortable. Pulling him into an alleyway one night on the way home from the Elfsong because you can see how badly he's craving in the way he can't keep his eyes off of the pulse point in your neck. He seizes your arm with both hands (can I? Yes-), bringing the soft skin on the inside of your wrist to his lips. He has just enough presence of mind to kiss the heel of your hand distractedly before he bites, fangs sliding through your skin and into the vein. The sound he makes can only be described as a growl, something feral and possessive (and you'll never tell him that it turns you on, since he would be insufferable about it- a promise to yourself that lasts exactly as long as the space between the moment and the next time you're tipsy and want him).

(NSFW Below!)

Astarion drinking from your inner thigh, one hand holding your leg steady and the other cupping your cunt. You groan, eyes shut in pleasure, as his thumb comes to rub your clit. The pain of the bite is barely pain this way- it collides with the pleasure in your belly and sends you almost out of your mind, overwhelmed with sensation and heat. He takes you all the way there, takes just enough from you to have you relaxed and pliant and soaring somewhere above your own body, plays you like an instrument with all the knowledge of you he's gathered over the months, the years. He knows when you're close, knows to crook his fingers inside you just so, knows the reaction he's going to get when he pulls away from your thigh for just a moment and looks up at you with dark eyes and tells you to come for him, he wants to see it, you fall apart so beautifully and it's all for him, isn't it, tell him how good he makes you feel and when you climax with his voice in your ear and the scent of blood on the air he has the audacity to laugh at how well he understands you, your body.

He's soft, after, softer than he'll ever be with anyone who isn't you. He licks you clean before he takes you to the bath, carrying you with the strength your lifeblood gives him. It's the least he can do for you, with everything you've given him: not just your body, but your trust, your closeness, and he will never stop being grateful.