#and the way they discourse and spiral over nothing . and with this interview its like

[htkpop]

.

[gaylecleven]

most people that don’t like kie don’t like her because she

1. gets mad at JJ when he calls her out for being rich

2. prioritizes john b constantly because whatever feelings she has towards him gave her tunnel vision

3. tried to guilt-trip pope into missing his scholarship interview despite the fact that, like he said, she wasn’t there for any of them when big john went missing

4. talks about the gold, pope’s scholarship, and things that happen to the boys because of them living in the cut as if it’s okay to just toss them aside when it’s only okay to do that for her- seeing as she doesn’t need the money, and she doesn’t need a scholarship. the only thing that makes her a pogue is that she decided to hang out with them, which is fine but she can’t act like she goes through what people on the cut do seeing as she doesn’t actually live there or go to their school. these things are only expendable for her.

5. she tried to fight pope on the boat because he rightfully called her out on her “moral high ground bullshit”

6. she gives off performative activist. she’ll talk about saving the turtles but when jj is clearly hysterical or something with his buying a hot tub using his share, she says he could have “literally given it to any charity” as if he isn’t quite literally the charity… even without seeing the bruises it’s clear that jj is in an unstable environment with someone who doesn’t care about him and can’t support him financially.

7.she doesn’t sympathize with jj until after the jj/pope/kie hot tub group hug when she sees his bruises. she just ignores whatever he says when he mentions her financial privilege and insults him in a non-friendly way. (he insults her too obviously, but since the show never goes in depth to discuss kie’s struggles as a biracial girl or pope’s struggles as a black boy, it’s not something that jj can randomly sympathize with, seeing as it’s never brought to light. if it was brought up and jj were to react like she’s being annoying for pointing it out or pointing it out to spite him, i would have major problems with jj because acknowledging whatever privilege you have is important, especially when you’re with people that don’t have that privilege/when you’re someone whose character is supposed to be the activist type. and i’m not equating racial privilege to financial privilege, i’m just mentioning it because classism is pretty much the basis of the entire show and its plot.)

anyway… this is the reason i’ve seen most jjpopes dislike kie. mentioning the “kiara sucks” anon as if that is a blanket statement of all jjpopes is strange. we aren’t some raging misogynists out to get her, but you saying that pope is a very flawed character with no examples to back it up but also getting irritated when someone says kiara sucks with no examples to back it up is ridiculous. these are examples. since this is in response to your response to that ask, i’ll also add that while your experiences as a queer person are valid, they aren’t universal (“Any queer person knows that you can’t be as forthcoming and open about our affections as straight people are.”)

i get where you’re coming from with saying a regular character might not be outward about his feelings, but jj is not a regular character. jj is a nothing-to-lose kind of character, so your reasoning for why those many displays of affection throughout the show weren’t intended to be romantic just doesn’t really add up? of course he values pope’s friendship and wouldn’t want to risk it, but it’s also evident that he’s a very good liar and could easily say he was joking or wasn’t trying to seem like any of his actions were romantic, something you can also probably understand/have experienced as a queer person. your very statement that jj is someone who flirts with anyone is counterproductive to the statement that that means he doesn’t have feelings for pope. he flirts with every girl, but he can only form a lasting bond while also doing things you’d normally do with a crush, with pope. a lot of jjpopes including myself think he’s gay, and comphet/trying to prove to yourself that you’re straight by engaging in meaningless hookups (like jj) is reason for that headcanon. i get what you’re saying for other characters, but there’s no indication of jj not having that same nothing-to-lose attitude when it comes to people he has romantic feelings for, so there would be no reason for the pull-back or hesitation that you mentioned. and since he knows pope and his connection (whether it be platonic or romantic to both of them) is so strong, he probably assumes nothing could break that bond/dynamic either way.

also no one called you anti-black or implied that you were for saying pope is a flawed character, but it would be surprising to see one that isn’t rooted in that because all of them in the past have been- this fandom is wildly colorist and homophobic (another reason representation like jjpope is so important) and it’s extremely hard to find someone that doesn’t like pope without an explanation for their dislike that isn’t rooted in racism. that’s just common sense, though.

You know, I've been looking at this ask for a long time just wondering if it's worth my time to address all of this - like I didn't realise one could send asks this big. But I'm bored and got a beer in me so fuck it let's go.

So first let's talk about the reasons you hate Kie. I'm gonna admit that I to think she is flawed, like every other obx character, she is also a victim to bad writing and under developed. But also I just do not understand how people can hate her or insists that she is a bad person, don't get me wrong sometimes you just don't vibe with a character and there is nothing wrong with that but hating them and tearing them down is a very different thing.

Now I've said this before but let me reiterate. Not liking a character or ship or preferring one over the other does not automatically make you racist, misogynistic or homophobic. But I do think it is important to take a step back and assess our motivation and perhaps internalised biases. Sometimes you will find that you reasoning is without much substance and realise that you have some things to work on, sometimes even though mentally you don't have the conscious block there is something internalised about that - I know I have been subject to that. This doesn't make you a bad person, and you don't have to force yourself to like it or anything, but just be aware and sometimes it's okay to just remove yourself for the conversation because the people who do like it aren't supporting something that is morally corrupt and it doesn't have to be the subject of discourse. People can like different stuff.

So:

1. Did you mean pulls faces when JJ calls her rich? Cause that's what she does, gets a little annoyed, pulls a face but doesn't say anything because she know he's got a point. I'm very confused about you definition of angry and perhaps be careful about perpetuating the 'angry black woman' stereotype.

Also, I think it's important to note that clearly the kooks vs pogues divide has pretty much abolished the middle class, and you are either lower class or 'rich'. The Carrera's very clearly still struggle with money and are not on the same level of kooks as the Cameron's. So yeah, I think she's justified to roll her eyes at JJ saying she's rich as fuck and doesn't need money.

2. Prioritizes John B because his dad's gone missing, he's been abandoned by his guardian, is being threatened with being taken away from his home and everything he knows and is in general spiralling? Yeah. What a fucking monster. Also, I find it hard to find a justification for Kie having canon romantic feelings from John B that isn't just born from heteronormativity - her caring about him and then getting kissed by him does not equal a love match.

3. It wasn't about missing the interview - which wasn't until the next fucking day - it was about not giving up looking for their friend who was in a really bad way. Like - you cannot say that getting a scholarship when you are 16 is more important that John B's actual life being at stake ?

The fact that she wasn't there when John B went missing wasn't relevant? Like I've talked about why I hate Pope in this scene. But like, Pope is saying 'um you can't call me out on being a bad friend now cause you were a bad friend then'. That's the point, Kie caring so much about John B is rooted in guilt cause she wasn't there, and now she's trying to be there and support him, to prove that she's a better friend now. That's she's different, because she is.

4. I would love some specific examples of her brushing this stuff off like it means nothing. Other than the boat scene which once again, justified. And once again, Kie isn't destitute at all and no she doesn't fully understand the struggles of the boys or the cut but her family is not rolling in it and spending weekends on Yachts. Like this point is such a bloody reach.

5. I don't love that she got physical with him either. But she didn't do that because she got called out. She got upset because Pope was the one person she confided in about that happened during her kook year, about how bad it was, about the fact that she was suicidal and Sarah saved her and that's why she was so drawn to that, not because she wanted to be a kook, and Pope just throws that back in her face because he's jealous that Kie cares more about John B's problems than his.

6. Well this is just a misrepresentation of what happened. She said give it to any charity because in that moment it seemed like without a reason JJ just blew that money on stupid shit. Pope thought the same thing that's why he yells at him for not using it for restitution. In that moment he just seems like he is being drunk and irresponsible, because they didn't think he would go back to Luke, Pope literally says that he wouldn't. And then note how when they see the bruises they know what happened and the tone instantly changes cause they realise what happened. And that he did try to do the right thing and got flogged because of it. And she is right in there to comfort him and reassure him. So like... yeah.

7. Please give me example for this. I don't see Kie insulting him that isn't a justified call out or playful banter that is returned and part of their push and shove dynamic. You know... just being friends.

The only times we see Kie react to JJ's home life she is concerned and sympathetic. She's the only one who's worried about JJ going home when he storms off and is instantly there to comfort him when she knows he's had interaction with Luke. I really don't know where you are getting this from.

I don't use it as a blanket statement, I know not to group shippers in as one, I know there are jiara shippers that I do not see eye to eye with for a second. The reason I bring up the 'kiara sucks' thing is because of the context it was used. We weren't talking about Kie, it wasn't relevant, it had no reason to be there or anything to back it up. It was random bitching and as you say fandom is a very racist place so yeah, it seemed like racism to me. Like you realise you are calling me ridiculous for being annoyed that someone just came to me and said Kie sucks without reason, and then this ask goes onto be annoyed that I have some issues with Pope and that more than likely racist for thinking it because you've elected to ignore my massive post outlining my stance on this.

My experiences as a queer person are not universal, no. But I do know they are very common. I'm so thankful that there are people out there who don't experience this and I hope that in the future it will be the norm. But realistically, with what we know about JJ, I think it is more than likely that would be his experience.

Look if you headcanon him as gay say the things with girls is comphet, then that's your view and I won't fight you on it. But remember that that is a headcanon. And what I have been talking about is were they intentionally setting up jjpope and are those actions indicative of romantic attraction, which if they we're they would have made a point to frame it as comp het, which they didn't, they might in the future but for now - they aren't. In terms of being a good liar, I just- like gay panic is a very strong thing. There young girls who tell everyone they don't like hugs because they actually really liked the hugs and feel like people will know that they are gay if they hug their friend, a hug. I can't see 'I'm a good liar' being enough to overcome those sorts of feelings.

The thing is while JJ has a nothing to lose attitude when it comes to his life and future the same doesn't apply to his relationships, because the Pogues are his thing to lose, his only family, the one good thing. I can't see him just saying fuck it I could risk losing Pope. So I can't agree with you there.

First of all, I was called anti-black for not liking Pope, despite the fact that I don't hate him, and just had valid reasons for thinking he is flawed, not the devil incarnate. Two, I am well aware that this fandom is racist, like all fucking fandoms, and have talked about it. And I think that fact that I don't hate Pope and laid out very clearly the reasons I don't think he's some perfect angel that does no wrong kinda shows that I'm not just random bitching because he's black. Also - I'm a fucking Kie stan. I have to deal with people hating on Kie for the same reasons they love Sarah - it's very obvious to see people motivations there.

And you are right. An interracial mlm ship would be great representation. So would an interracial ship between the hot guy that everyone loves with the black girl - because doesn't he always end up with the white self insert? But reminder that ships don't automatically have superiority because they have 'better' representation and certainly does not represent a shipper 'wokeness'. Personally I think a platonic relationship between two men that are as close and physically affectionate as JJ and Pope - especially when one is so traditionally masculine as JJ, especially if one or both of them could be queer - would be great representation for young boys struggling with toxic masculinity.

So yeah, I think your reasons for hating Kie don't have much basis in canon. I do not give if you like her or not but.. hating her and trying to prove that people shouldn't like her, that she's not good enough for JJ and coming into my ask and putting her down for no reason, still does not sit right with me.

[applecherry108]

first of all hooooooooolyyyy shiitttt

FUCK tungle. it took like 30 tries to log in on desktop. admittedly, i was using the wrong password at first, BUT, even when i remembered the right one it kept giving me shit. This is what i get for being L337 i guess... -_-

anyways, im only on desktop so i can add a readmore to say:

i just,,,,,hate voltron. okay? It sucked. it fucking sucked. i watched the first season and it was like, okay yeah, this has potential. and then s2 was like, okay yeah not as good but maybe s3 will pick up...

s3 didn’t pick up. it was just one long death spiral by the same idiots who fucked up the atla sequel. i hate their writing, i hate their story plots, i hate how they butcher any good ideas they have, and i especially hate their inability to have good character AND plot development happen at the same time.

I got swept up in storm of klance and that’s about it. i have soft spots for other ships but at the end of the day i don’t care. i just don.t fucking,,, care???

the fandom is a mess, the crew was a mess, everything was a fucking mess from the get go.

Like who tf is this show written for?? it has to be for like, 8-10 year olds. It has to be. Everything is just so....stupid. Nothing is ever properly explained, motivations never really given, everyone is just a 2 dimensional cardboard cutout of a trope. And that pisses me off so much bc like??? other shows aimed at young kids can still have great world building. they can have good world building and characters and overall story and still be cheesy and a lil dumb. cheesy and a lil dumb is completely fine!! but voltron is just so...godammn... BORING!! it’s like i WANT to like the characters but its just so goddamn hard when everybody is so fucking flat. by all rights, i should want to marry allura. shes everything i loved when i was little, from her color pallet to her princesshood to her white fucking hair!! i should LOVE allura but i don’t!! i kind of hate her. why?? i don’t know!! shes so...boring! and flat! and fucking PASSIVE! everything in this show lands so fucking flat holy shit.

pidge at matts “grave”? yikes, that was second hand hard to watch for like.... “oooh this is so serious!” but the buildup wasnt there...it was kind of funny tbh... and HELLA awkward...

don’t get me started on lance and hunk. bolin was my favorite look character for the first few episodes and then he got knocked to Comic Relief and had maybe two (2) importantish moments. he/they may be part of the main cast but they’re not main characters. they feel like background props to the Actual Main characters.

which brings me to keith.

FUCK keith.

that’s my reaction after every! new! season!! is just,, FUCK keith. god the show functioned SO WELL without him. he’s just so...idk. i also don’t care. what was his character arc anyway? it SHOULD have been about learning to love and trust others but we only get that in lip service and speed run character development (i hate the quantum abyss...so much... like yeah, who cares about SHOWING our characters mature, let’s just tell that it happened in afucking montage.) if keith were a properly developed character he shouldve remained PASSIONATE and idk, run support?? that boy SHOULD have piloted red, end of story. period. keith doesn’t need to lead he needs to learn to TRUST others and that insludes trusting other WITH HIS LIFE. i won’t rant about how we should have had black paladin lance, but keith should have never ever been black paladin. even after he “matures” he still sucks at. he’s this awful,,little,, Shiro 2.0. and I hate it. i ahte it and i hate shiro just a little bit. even though he was arguably the most likeable character, he shouldve stayed dead. or missing. or whatever. he didn’t need to come back and they didnt need to make keith a little offbrand clone of him. i ESPECIALLY hate that they aged keith up 2 years for no goddamn reason other than to make him the Adult (tm). keith’s dedication to others was gre4at, but it should have, and im failing for this word here so forgive me, climaxed? cresscendo’d? whatever. /resulted/ in him playing support. not leader. lone wolf keith doesn’t need how to lead his pack, he needed to learn to HELP his pack. to be a TEAM PLAYER. he didn’t want the responsibility of leading bc guess what?? some people hate leading!! there’s nothing wrong with wanting to be support! keith’s entire arc is a huge mess of missed opportunities and a grand illustration that he is lm’s and jds’ favorite, just like fucking mako.

i won’t rant about mako, but just know i fucking hate him and the special treatment he gets, and good LORD does keith take over mako. keith isn’t space zuko he’s space mako and it fucking SHOWS.

okay, i’m losing steam here, but like.... so apple, why tf where u voltron 24/7 if you hated it so much? because homestuck was over and i needed a new hyperfixation. and i really had to force it for vld tbh. and at the end of the day, it wasn’t so much about the show itself as the potential of klance (or sheith, up until s3). between the interviews, the coding, the fucking EVERYTHING--it really felt like it could be canon. i knew in my heart it was queer baiting but i had HOPE dammit. hope that this could be killer representation, hope that these characters would delvelopment into something incredible. again, there was so much POTENTIAL. and all of it was wasted. everything really came to a head during the fucking game show episode. it was like lm and lds giving everyone who likes lance the middle finger, really driving home that “no no, he IS just stupid. he’s the comic releif. there’s nothing deeper about him and no one will stand up for him bc they all think of him as such.” and that just....broke my heart. we were so...SO close to lance actually mattering but nope! bolin’d again! and what was his purpose in s8? why to be an accessory to allura of course!

i’ve seen a lot of people really divorce themselves from canon and live solely for fanon, esp fanon klance but like.... i can’t. i just can’t. it’s so fucking hard to work with these cardboard characters. you can only draw so much depth onto them, you know? until the very last moments they had potential, but then it all got snuffed out. but who cares about canon? why bother with it? because! we don’t have a solid consistent fanon version of them! no one sat down and delivered the ten commandments of “here’s what we agree k and l are actually like” it’s stupid and it sucks because everyone has their own little differences and its so so tiring to basically be interacting with minutely different ocs all the goddamn time. canon matters bc it gives everyone the same base to work with. like a cooking showing with the same basket ingredients, but now it’s like.... ya’ll don’t wanna use the mandatory ingredients (and why would you? those canon ingredients are like, a century egg and spoiled sardines, they’re awful.)

okay, and im at work and just came back to this and dont remember my train of thought so like... what really threw all this into sharp clarity was the recent steven universe episodes. they were so...GOOD. so fucking good. so much plot and foreshadowing coming to a head. it was such a wonderfully satisfying payoff that it made me remember what a GOOD show is like, how vld is so very very /bad/. the difference is fucking striking. where one is an intricately woven tale with excellent character development and clear story AND character arcs, that can progress AT THE SAME TIME, one is a hacked together flaming dumpster firing that constantly falls flat and doesn’t know where its going or why. and it s so BORING! like fight scenes can be amazing! they can be well coreographed and tense! and we as the audience can be anxious about the outcome! and vld just wasn’t that! it was boring repetetive action in the least exciting way. and where su set up a lot of potential, holy shit they DELIVERED on that potential. not just for rep, but for characters! for story! for plain ol simple character interactions! and then, again, two dimensional cardboard cutouts.

and now with this difference in good vs bad show so very clearly highlighted for me, i just.... i can’t, anymore, with vld. it sucks. it sucked and i can’t pretend or force a fixation with it that just isn’t there, and truthfully, probably never was. maybe that’s why i’ve been struggling to finish my fic, struggling ever since i posted the last chapter, ever since s7, which, again, that game show was really the nail in the coffin as far as holding onto any hope that this tire fire would ever pick up. like a physically feel ill trying to finishing this stupid fic bc i don’t care so hard. i don’t care and i just... really want to be over it. im sick of seeing it everywhere, im sick of the drama, of the Discourse. like all fandoms have their issues, but hold fuck does vld fandom have a massive Purity problem. like, god, let people ship whatever. who cares. die mad about it.

like homestuck, idk if i’ll ever fully ween myself off vld but i want to move on. i want to enjoy Other Things without having this lackluster weight on my shoulders. and more than anything, i want to stop feeling like im obligated to like the same shit as i did two years ago, or last year, or hell, last week! feel free to unfollow, but yeah i just.... really needed to let this out in a proper post and not in the misc tags somewhere.

[orionsangel86]

Cas as the proverbial Phoenix rising from the flames

Ah how toasty its getting around here. 

I always did say our blue eyed angel was smoking hot. ;-)

He’s so hot he’s on fire!

Okay okay I’ll stop.

As many of you may remember, I may have fanned the flames of discourse earlier in hiatus over whether or not you were team #burnthetrenchcoat or team #keepthetrenchcoat and well, I’m sorry to those who didn’t want Cas to burn… but I just need to talk about how happy this makes me. 

See the reasons I was so desperate for the boys to burn Cas on the funeral pyre (fully dressed in ugly lesser trench coat and tie) was because of how perfect the symbolism fits for his triumphant return.

Poor Winchesters. Watching their husband/brother-in law/father burn… (I think I have finally overcome my period of continuous weeping over this moment and am able to appreciate just how perfect this fits in to how IMPORTANT Cas will be in season 13.

I said in my review, and screamed to @tinkdw kind of constantly since Friday, that Season 13 is going to be all about Cas. That it really is his year. The fact that he is starting the season on this pyre, whilst his family watches over him is honestly the best place for his story to begin. (No I’m not crazy - hear me out.)

long post under cut

Cas in season 12 was still very much overcome with his own depression. This was evident in his completely disregard for his own life most obviously in 12x10:

(x)

Castiel has had suicidal tendencies since the beginning of season 8. He has never forgiven himself for his choices in season 6 after all. But it was from mid season 9 that the effects of his choices started to spiral out of control which lead to an arc which was heavily rooted in depression, PTSD, lack of self worth and a complete lack of faith in himself. 

The reason I hate this second trench coat so much, is because it symbolises Cas as the broken angel.

In 9x10, he made the decision to steal Ion’s grace, and got himself a shiny new trenchcoat:

(x)

From this moment onwards however, Castiel is made to suffer almost constantly for four years. 

He took Theo's grace, which slowly poisoned him as it burned out, he was rejected by the angels, then had to watch everything he had done be for nothing when the man he loved died, then he had discover Dean was a demon, and be rejected by Sam for not being good enough in his extremely sickly state, then he was beaten half to death by dean, then cursed by the attack dog spell, then tortured by the angels, then possessed by Lucifer, then basically rejected by his father, then lost Sam and Dean and couldn’t function without them, then killed Billy, faced cosmic consequences, almost rotted to death thanks to a prince of hell and then died. 

Basically it has not been a good few years for poor Cas, and throughout all of this we have watched his mindset get worse and worse. Even though in season 12 the Winchesters do try to show him how important he is to them, its already far too late, and Cas hardly believes them when they do show they care (12x10, 12x12, 12x19 are all times when the Winchesters - mainly Dean - show Cas in ways that are quite obvious to us that he is extremely important and that they would give their lives for him) Cas just can’t see it or accept it as he is blinded by his depression.

Cas was never realistically going to pull himself out of it at that point. He was too far gone. Jack latched onto that desperation, that desperate need for guidance and hope, and took away his pain, gave him peace. Cas probably was controlled by Jack at that point, but I do think that Cas accepted it willingly, because being brainwashed by a baby God was easier than having to continue to face the world as it was, knowing he continued to let down those he loved.

(I like to think of Jack’s continuing influence on Cas throughout 12x23 like the effects of a drug. He kept him focused on his new “mission” (Jack) and kept him “numb” to his pain and depression. But it’s a headcanon more than anything else - I’m tired of ‘brainwashed Cas’ speculation right now)

So you see for Cas to break out of this, he NEEDED to die. Because he needed something BIG for his transformation.

Consider the Phoenix:

(x)

The Phoenix is a creature that symbolises rebirth, transformation, resurrection, and is also heavily associated with the sun. From Greek Mythology phoenix’s are known to die in flames and be reborn from their own ashes. 

Castiel is our Phoenix. A character who has been associated with sun symbolism and even canonically been called “sunshine” by Dean Winchester, Cas was always going to assume this role. I believe this was Dabbs plan for him from the start. Cas has been our metaphorical Phoenix since the start of his depression arc. He was always going to come back from it. He was always going to be transformed.

 For the writers of the show to take the decision to burn Cas on that pyre (other than for the emotional weight of that scene and the huge amount of respect it shows Castiel as a character) they have written themselves the problem of having destroyed his body in the one way the show has always previously said you can’t come back from - in solid form anyway.

But for symbolic purposes it is practically perfect, and fits hand in hand with all the speculation and hints we have had about Cas’s return in interviews from Andrew Dabb, the other writers and Misha.

That when Cas does return, he will be transformed - a hard reset and back to full power.

Hence why the old trench coat HAD to be burned. It symbolised the broken angel. When Cas comes back he won’t be the broken angel any more.

That’s why he’s got a new wardrobe. A new coat to symbolise a brand new Cas. More like the old coat, a better fit, he’s back to the Constantine look. Its proof that his arc of depression and self loathing is over. I hope that this new iteration of Castiel will be badass and full of confidence. God knows he’s struggled long enough.

Plus it also has trope potential. Who was the last very famous character to burn on a pyre and yet come back transformed, reborn and full of power?

(x)

If Cas is anything like Dany, He’ll be a force to be reckoned with, plus hopefully he’ll come away with his very own John Snow. ;)

So I’m sorry for everyone who didn’t want Cas burned or to say good bye to that god awful trench coat. But for me, this is everything Cas has needed for seasons. Cas has been the Phoenix. Like Fawkes he was getting old and tired, it was his time to go, and also his time to rise.

[angeltriestoblog]

I Miss 5 Seconds of Summer???

A few days after 5 Seconds of Summer held their concert in the Philippines last 2016, I wrote a blog post with this exact same title then went on to elaborate that I missed the version of them that I fell in love with. I’ve unarchived it so anyone who bothers to read this has a salient starting point, but be warned: I seriously can’t make it through the entire thing without suffering from a chronic cringe attack—who ever told 16-year-old me that she could write?!

—

I have listened to 5SOS’ entire discography almost exclusively today. But my Spotify followers wouldn’t know. In an expert attempt to evade their judgment, I go on Private Mode so I can cry to their music in peace. I’ve also been watching a couple of their videos too. My favorite is this live performance of Ghost of You where Calum Hood does some immaculate vocal blending at the 1:26 mark. I have my watch history paused though so I don’t get bombarded with more recommendations and end up spiraling further down the hole.

It’s funny how I think that removing every trace of related activity on my corner of the Internet could also erase it from my own memory, render it as a mere figment of my imagination instead of a clear manifestation that I’m starting to like them again. And it might seem even funnier that I am convinced that people care! But then again, I did unstan them pretty publicly a few years back following a misogynistic interview they did for an issue of Rolling Stone, which also featured all four of them almost fully nude on the cover.

To this day, I continue to dissect the piece with one part of me thinking that I might have overreacted, having seen and read it for the first time when I was 14 and much more of a prude, and the other knowing that I did not. In one paragraph, Luke Hemmings admits that during the early years of the band, they took advantage of the amount of female attention they were at the center of. “They were wildest on their early tours, when they’d go to bars to mingle with fans after shows,” it read.

In another, Hood talks quite nonchalantly about his infamous dick pic that made its rounds on the Internet the year before, and how it surprisingly gave the band a lot of publicity. “Now I’m just working on the sex tape,” he jokes. “I’ll call Pamela up, like, ‘Hey, it’s been a while. We really need to hype this band up!’”

Having risen to fame as the opening act of the clean-cut British-Irish group One Direction, 5SOS was immediately touted as a boyband—next in line to 1D’s throne, or competing with them for the crown, depends on which magazine you read. Though this exposure granted them a huge teenage fanbase (myself included), they hated the label that came with it. They constantly asserted that they played their own instruments and wrote their own songs, and behaved in a way that well-curated, expertly marketed groups would not: carefree, loud, playfully and forgivably naughty. No one would believe them though. People would say it’s the curse of being conventionally attractive in the music industry. You were almost always expected to be a popstar, a commodity that catered to the masses. But they tried anyway: maybe a lip ring and a couple of tattoos would do the trick, sprinkle some curse words here and there in interviews, get caught smoking or drinking.

That interview was their final act: their big-time effort to break away and hopefully land a spot amongst the rock bands they looked up to and wanted so desperately to impress. Even if it meant objectifying, mocking, and taking advantage of the girls who propelled them to stardom in the first place. Simply put, that interview was them desperately trying to get rid of fans like me. And so, I obliged.

—

Now that I’ve been staying at home for almost three months straight, I have revisited a lot of old favorites: poorly written fan fiction I used to eat up in my early teenage years, full seasons of Nickelodeon TV shows (only the good ones) downloaded off sketchy places on the Internet, my childhood journals filled with my loopy handwriting and family of stick figures. I know I’m not alone in this pursuit: it seems like we’re all holding on to remnants of our past to remind us that we have experienced better days, and they will surely come again soon.

I felt like it was inevitable I’d return to 5SOS because they had released their fourth full-length album during the first few weeks of the quarantine. Everywhere on social media, I was reminded that one single was out, and then another, and then another and I figured that it wouldn’t hurt to give it a try. After all, I did give Youngblood, their third record, a spin when it first came out as well. I thought their attempts at experimentation bordered on pretentiousness, and figured that if this was the musical direction they wanted to take, I’d surely hate every succeeding record as well.

But the problem was I really liked it. Although it wasn’t a no-skip album, each track was different from the rest, all showing a level of inventiveness and mastery of musical technique not present in previous releases. After playing the entire thing again and again, even the songs I didn’t vibe with at first started to grow on me. Turns out the beauty of Easier and Teeth is in the details: the thrumming bass at the beginning, the unconventional vocal inflections, best appreciated in an enclosed area with the volume on high. My amazement at how their musical style had progressed over the years led to me listening to all of their albums in chronological order, then rewatching some of their funniest interviews which were alarmingly easy to retrieve from memory.

During these times, I’ve wondered why I still remain curious about what they’re doing, why I still give their music a shot when I see it on my Release Radar. They never apologized for the article and I assume that they talk about things of that sort even more now that they’re older.

And I guess the answer is simple. Besides the fact that the music is honest to God amazing, they kind of made me who I am. Having found them during the height of my teen angst phase, I reveled in having idols who were open about rebelling against the system and forging our own paths despite being looked down on by those older than us. It was through them that I was introduced to bands that further diversified my taste in music, that I started experimenting with a more introspective type of writing that led to the style I employ to this day. I made so many good friends because of them, some of which are still in my life today. Looking back, I wouldn’t consider it the best version of myself but she was different. More importantly, she was really happy.

—

I am well-versed in the discourse surrounding problematic faves, and I know that if I ever find myself in such a situation, I have two options: either go down the productive, politically correct road and steer clear from them, or continue to consume their work but with the knowledge that what they did was inexcusable. I teeter between boycotting their music altogether—because even Spotify streams can be translated into revenue and there’s nothing that powers oppressors like financial stability and fame—and choosing to separate the art from the artist so I can appreciate good work without the reputation of its creator clouding my judgment.

I guess at this point, I probably am looking at them with rose-tinted glasses. I heard that some victims of even the most abusive and toxic relationships look back at their time with their former significant others with fondness. Though what I had with Calum, Ashton, Luke, and Michael was nowhere near romantic, and their transgressions far from a personal attack, maybe it applies to my situation too. I look at 5SOS now through the lens of the 14-year-old who embedded watching Keeks into her daily routine, or fell asleep listening to Heartbreak Girl on repeat and rejoiced when it hit 1,000 plays on her iTunes. They are no longer that band, and I am no longer that girl. And while it doesn’t hurt to remember the times when we were those people, I must remind myself that things can never go back to the way they were.

Maybe this doesn’t have to be as dramatic as I’m making it. But that’s the good thing about keeping this blog despite getting published on other corners of the Internet—I can make it as dramatic as I want to be.

[ajapablog]

Corona Chronicles VI

I think I missed three days of this series. On Friday, I heard from the program in Delhi about how everything was cancelled. I felt such a strong longing for the North Indian summer— the musty smell of archival files, the chlorinated swimming pool, the lightness of cotton clothes and the cool touch of silver jewelry on my body. I went down into an emotional spiral but I am fine now. I promise, no more sappy poems. If I write them, I will keep them to myself. I think I am going to lay low on the alcohol. We are all slowly starting to break, but I will not give into the psychological and emotional upheavals of this pandemic and I hope you don’t either. The first few news items that I’m sharing today were part of the reason why I felt so scared the past two days.  In the News (disclaimer: because of the corporatization of information, I no longer have access to a lot of news stories on different news sites anymore —I basically finished my free quota):  Yuvah Noah Harari Paints a Dark Picture of the Post-Corona World Yes, we are now referring to it as the post-Corona world. I feel mixed feelings about whether I want to be alive to see it or whether I would prefer the world for me to end by then. Harari basically reminds us that what this pandemic does is to create a surveillance state system across the world. It destroys political society. Baba and I were talking about what politics even looks like in a world where bodies after a long period of confinement will be scared to take the streets. What is the new polis? Can social media ever create political society? How do we make political claims without making our bodies visible in public? These are pertinent questions. See: https://www.ft.com/content/19d90308-6858-11ea-a3c9-1fe6fedcca75

The Horrors of the Cytokine Storm The idea of catching this virus didn’t become so existential until I read this piece. It is frightening to imagine that a non/living speck of matter with dna matter can wreak so much havoc in the world of the body and the universe at large. A cytokine storm is when the body realizing that a million viral particles are lodged as foreign creatures in the lungs fights so hard it kills everything that is good in the body, leading to respiratory damage and multiple organ failure. Before death, they say everything feels calm and possible. I think of the multiple kinds of death: creative death, emotional and psychic death and social death and the way that it seems everything is possible before these catastrophic damages. The last bit of this piece which talks precisely about this is so haunting. See: https://nymag.com/intelligencer/2020/03/the-story-of-a-coronavirus-infection.html?fbclid=IwAR0bYFFi6rdohox8SQmV_7iuuA9MxlN0CmKp16ZhHv9t2qPtB8ROJcsYRb0

The Virus isn’t Alive to Kill Until about 10 days ago, I knew practically nothing about viruses. I have a vague recollection of drawing the figure of a virus in high school a squiggly dna encased in a protein structure but I had very little idea about how it transmits and what it does to the body. The more I know about it, the more I wish I didn’t. The virus frightens me at a fundamental level because it has the kind of reproductive power that a live being and mammals in particular cannot even dream of. With my one and half ovary and fears of not becoming a mother lodged in my brain from the age of 17, I feel particularly existentially threatened by this old an ancient foe for my desire to reproduce is working overdrive as I realize that death is impending and my biological clock ticking. I have to stop myself from playing the image of a child running bare feet on the green grass or from conjuring the sound of its voice or the smell of talcum powder on its soft skin. The virus doesn’t dream in technicolor. The virus doesn’t grapple with capitalist economies or castetist societies that shape endogamy and mating. The virus simply finds a host, replicates and moves on. See: https://www.washingtonpost.com/health/2020/03/23/coronavirus-isnt-alive-thats-why-its-so-hard-kill/

The US Senate Fights Over the Beneficiaries of the State  The US senate is locked this morning in a battle characteristic of the larger Corona world. These kind of conversations about whether big businesses should be bailed out or whether the vulnerable and the working class should be bailed out should become more pertinent in a month when we realize that we depend so much on each other and yet differences of wealth shape our possibilities in life. I don’t know whether the senate will eventually decide on bailing businesses or bailing society but it is battle that will continue to shape the discourse. We must keep an eye out for it. See: https://www.washingtonpost.com/us-policy/2020/03/23/trump-coronavirus-senate-economic-stimulus/

Chicago Intends to Turn Hotel Rooms into Isolation Chambers Is this 1984? But this might be a good move to keep the hospitals unclogged. They say that they are thinking of trying this model out in other cities. This might actually be good for New York.  See: https://www.chicagotribune.com/coronavirus/ct-coronavirus-chicago-renting-hotel-rooms-20200323-6ciawps5uvdlfm755jqvak5mhm-story.html

New York is the Epicenter of this Infection The places with the most dire circumstances move like pins on a map. I think last week might have been London and now it’s New York with roughly 5% of the world’s cases. It might have to do with increased testing or just the scalar dynamics of how this virus is spreading but projections of where and how the rates of infection will expand have been quite accurate. I am told Chicago is about a week and half behind New York. The best strategy right now is to stay at my desk and do all my pending work. See: https://www.nytimes.com/2020/03/22/nyregion/Coronavirus-new-York-epicenter.html The Tokyo Olympics is Postponed I don’t care so much about the Olympics but the fact that a major global event is upended by a global catastrophe comes as a reminder of the scale of this infection. I also wonder what 2021 will be like if we survive this. Everything we couldn’t do this year will be moved to that year. Spring will finally come in 2021. See: https://www.usatoday.com/story/news/health/2020/03/23/coronavirus-live-updates-congress-stimulus-us-deaths-donald-trump/2895096001/

WHO Expert Weighs in on the Future WHO expert Aylward says that the virus will probably continue to spread in a low-grade situation but life might get normal in about 6 months. Read this interview with Time. https://time.com/5805368/will-coronavirus-go-away-world-health-organization/?iid=obnetwork Drugs that are Potentially Effective Against This:  There are several drugs that the SOLIDARITY group of scientists at WHO have listed as so far a potentially effective against this. I think the Indian doctors that I talked about in the last post were on to something. I think at this point, the thing for scientists to do is to understand the mechanics of each drug on the virus and to develop something with the attributes that seem to work. The drugs that are listed are: 1. remdesivir: It is something that didn’t work  against Ebola, but worked against SARS and MERS. It is emerging as a major drug under consideration because of its ability to shut down viral replication by “inhibiting a key viral enzyme, the RNA-dependent RNA polymerase.”Science Magazine says it can do more good than harm so it is a forerunner among the drugs that the  scientists at WHO are looking at. 2.  chloroquine and hydroxychloroquine: These seem tricky. Touted by Trump as something he had a good feeling with, claimed to have been used by the Chinese and the French to treat cases, Science Magazine says that the data from the Chinese on their use is inconclusive. Similarly,  hydroxychloroquine is said to have side effects that are more harmful than good. But the old malarial that is used to cure viral diseases like Dengue and Chikanguniya seems to have emerged in these dire times as a contender because of its ability to decrease the acidity in endosomes, compartments inside cells that they use to ingest outside material and that some viruses can co-opt to enter a cell. However, the SARS-COV-virus as the first news piece tells us attaches to a human cell through its spike protein receptor instead of co-opting outside material through endosomes.  3. ritonavir/lopinavir: These retroviral drugs used to cure HIV were used by the Chinese in over a hundred patients but against a control population that wasn’t given these drugs, these didn’t seem too effective. The contention is that perhaps these drugs were administered to the Chinese patients too late into their infection for them to be effective.  These drugs are given together as protease inhibitors: they prevent the replicated dna strand of the virus from cleaving together. One drug allows the other to live a little longer in the human body reminding me of a happy couple.   4. Ritonavir/lopinavir and interferon-beta: This combination is like ritonavir and lopinavir going into couple’s therapy where the interferon-beta will help fight inflammmation while the two other drugs do their job.  See: https://www.sciencemag.org/news/2020/03/who-launches-global-megatrial-four-most-promising-coronavirus-treatments

With the happy news that our long knowledge of viruses might help us live, I leave you my dear friends till next time. Keep safe, wash your hands.