#anxiety got really bad and I struggled with codependency and I’m just ready to break free from that and have the notion that i can

[strangerays]

i turn 20 in less than a week

[missywritesfor7]

❤️‍🩹Lifeline | MYG❤️‍🩹

Synopsis: It’s long been controversial for idols to date, but idols dating each other can be really beautiful or a complete nightmare. When Yoongi's relationship with another idol is discovered, he decides maybe it’s time to break the taboo and show people it’s ok for idols to date. Instead, they find themselves caught in the midst of one media frenzy after another and struggle to keep their relationship as strong as it had been the past 2 years. Yoongi finds a self destructive way to cope, and it causes even more problems than it solves. As they fight for their relationship and their careers, they discover that sometimes, the only way to truly be free is to let go.

Pairing: idol!Yoongi x idol!OC

Warnings: nsfw, alcoholism, cheating, depression, anxiety, Yoongi goes through a bisexy ho phase, Yoongi is also in his alcoholic phase, post-military BTS

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Ch. 19: Your Letter

Yoongi needed a longer session with Minho the next day. He barely slept so all of his feelings of hurt and sadness continued to grow throughout the night. By morning he was a puffy red eyed mess wishing for something to drink again.

The session was rough and involved many tears and realizations. Yoongi learned a lot of things about himself that he didn’t quite realize before. That unleashed more emotions because now he feels like he doesn’t even know himself anymore. It was the roughest session he’s had so far.

The session ended with homework for Yoongi, which is typical. Minho always gives Yoongi homework after each session. This time his homework is to read a few things about codependency that Minho sent him. The more Yoongi read, the more he got upset. He fit the description, but he wants so bad to not. It just adds another thing to his list of issues.

Regardless of his denial, he knows one thing. He needs to apologize to Hyeri. He may not be ready to accept that he’s codependent, but he’s willing to admit that he shouldn’t have acted the way he did with her. He should have believed her when she said she was fine and he definitely shouldn’t have made her feel like a helpless baby. It wasn’t his intention at all and he’s been feeling like shit ever since he came to the realization that he was in the wrong. On top of that, Hyeri’s birthday is in just three days and the last thing he wants is for her to hate him on her birthday.

He starts to type out a message but then stops midway through. He can’t text her an apology. As ashamed as he is to speak to her again, he knows a text message would be too impersonal and seem lazy. So he calls her.

The phone rings once and he hangs up.

He curses himself then calls again. This time taking a deep breath and for whatever reason hoping she doesn’t answer because he’s starting to realize he’s much too nervous to talk to her.

“Hey,” Hyeri’s voice softly rings through the phone.

“Hey,” he says with a shaky voice. “How did you sleep?” He asks suddenly going blank on what to say. “No, I mean, have you had breakfast? It’s ok if you haven’t. I mean I think you should have something for breakfast, but you don’t have to.”

“Is there a reason why you called?” She asks hoarsely. She hasn’t yet gotten out of bed and aside from that she had been crying all night, so she’s not actually in the mood to talk. Still she couldn’t stop herself from answering when his name popped up on her phone.

“No. I mean yeah, I just…” he pauses to take a deep breath and pull himself together. “I wanted to apologize for last night. I wasn’t trying to make you feel like a baby or anything. I was being…I don’t know…”

“Overbearing and suffocating,” she says finishing his sentence.

“Right,” he sighs. “I’m sorry, Hyeri. Truth is, I talked to Minho today and now I feel all fucked up and confused because he told me things about myself I never realized and I’m starting to wonder if I ever even knew myself in the first place.”

“Told you things like what?”

“That I’m…I just…he said a lot and I’m working through it all. I just wanted to apologize because I love you and I don’t want you to hate me for being a helicopter parent.”

“I don’t hate you, Yoongi. I never could. I just want you to know how frustrating it is for me. It’s like you’re focused too much on taking care of my every want and need, but you don’t focus enough on yourself. You ignore everything going on with you and devote your every moment to catering to me when I don’t need it and at times I don’t want it. I’m just tired. You’ve put me through a lot, Yoongi.”

“I’m sorry,” he says through the knot in his throat. “You’re right and I guess I’m finally starting to see that. I can’t get anything right when it comes to you.” He pauses realizing he’s saying just the thing Minho was telling him about earlier. “I’m sorry. I’m trying, I mean it,” he pleads. “It’s hard. So hard. I’m working on being better. I swear when I leave here I’ll be a much better person. I’ll be clean, I won’t lie or cheat or get back into drinking all of the time.”

“I know,” she says. “I know you’re trying to work on it, but you still have a long way to go. I’m trying my best to be patient but you have to know last night it was just too much on top of a day that was already stressful.”

“I know and I’m so sorry for that. I shouldn’t have acted the way I did. I’m really trying, Hyeri. I want to be so much better for you.”

“I know,” she sighs hating what she’s about to say. “I think maybe it was a bad idea for us to start talking on the phone. It was probably a bad idea for us to even text. I don’t want you to take this the wrong way, but I think maybe we shouldn’t talk for a bit. At least until you’re able to find some mental stability.” She instantly regrets her words, but she can’t take them back. She knows he shouldn’t have been able to talk to her from the start because it could hinder his recovery, and it seems like it has.

“You don’t want to talk to me?” He asks feeling his heart drop to the floor.

“That’s not what I’m saying,” she insists. “I’m a distraction to you. Even if you don’t want to admit it, it’s true. You aren’t focused on yourself because you’re focused on me. If you don’t get better what would happen to us?” She chokes back tears at the thought of being without him.

Yoongi is silent knowing that she has a point, but not wanting to admit it. It feels like she’s trying to break up with him and he’s not sure he can take that.

“Babe,” she says in a reassuring tone. “I’m not going anywhere. I can take care of me, so you take care of you.”

“So…can we still text?” He asks feeling like his single source of mental and emotional relief outside of alcohol is leaving him.

“You can text me all you want. I just can��t guarantee that I’ll respond. Just…so you can remain focused. But I’ll always read your messages. I promise.”

“You wouldn’t miss me?” He asks searching for reassurance.

“I always miss you when you’re not here. That’s not what I’m saying. It’s just that…maybe I have an audition for that very big role that JJS tried to stop me from going for and I need to concentrate on that right now. Just like you need to concentrate on your health.”

“You have an audition? That’s great!” He says suddenly proud and almost as if she didn’t just suggest they not talk for a while.

“Yeah,” she responds softly. “I need to focus on that and focus on my own healing, you know? I haven’t really been able to since you’ve been home and it’s starting to catch up to me. So please use this time to take care of yourself.”

“Right,” he sighs. “Take care of yourself too. I mean…you already do so I guess I don’t need to tell you that…”

“It’s ok. I love you, Yoongi.”

“I love you too, Na Hyeri. I…I hate this, but I know you’re right. I love you so much, please wait for me I promise I’ll make it all up to you.”

“I’ll be here, babe,” she says. “I’ll talk to you later.”

“Yeah,” he says softly. The call ends and he simply lays in place in the bed.

His heart hurts. It hurts a lot. But he knows she hurts too, and she deserves time to heal from everything he’s put her through.

That now leaves him alone with nothing but his thoughts. That’s a hard thing for him to deal with so he looks for a distraction. He goes to his keyboard and begins playing a few notes. Then a few chords. Suddenly he’s playing a melody off the top of his head, though it sounds like something he’s already long since written and perfected. It’s not, though. It’s just him freestyling fueled by the thoughts swirling around in his head.

After a minute he decides to set up his phone to record himself. He does it often when he wants to remember something he’s playing. He hits record and continues playing and playing.

Since Yoongi had left for treatment, the rest of the guys have been working on their own projects. Namjoon and Hobi both have taken on a number of things that have been keeping them busy. Jungkook and Jimin have worked on a few features, but spend most of their time on live with Army. Especially Jungkook. Taehyung has been taking over the fashion world. And Jin has remained mostly low key other than popping in on a couple of variety shows. However, for one day Yoongi asked a favor of them if they could.

Operation: Hyeri’s birthday.

It didn’t take long for Yoongi to think of a way to both apologize to Hyeri and give her the grandest birthday he can given the circumstances. He started by quickly polishing the song he had begun playing on his keyboard. He recorded a final video of himself playing it. It’s a song dedicated to her.

After writing the song, he went searching online for someone who could have 3 grand bouquets of flowers delivered to her on her birthday. Then he got the idea to make it a surprise. He ordered flowers, candy, jewelry, a few pairs of shoes, a massive Shooky plush, and a designer purse all to be delivered in 3 days.

He didnt stop there. He wants the surprise to be big and meaningful. He needs help though, so he reached out to his brothers to assist. Jungkook and Taehyung are both in different parts of the world so they aren’t able to help, but the rest of the guys agreed to carry out Yoongi’s operation.

Namjoon will be in charge of getting Hyeri out of the house. She has a schedule the morning of her birthday, that will keep her out for a while, but after that Namjoon asked if he could treat her to a birthday lunch. That will keep her away longer to ensure Jin, Hobi, and Jimin have plenty of time to set up the apartment with all of the gifts being delivered.

Yoongi has lots of free time, so getting all of these things setup was quick and easy. Once he had everything set he worked on the most important thing. What to say to her.

He knows she mentioned they should stop talking so he doesn’t expect that she’d answer the phone if he called. So he has no other option other than to write her a letter. He could send her a text, but he wasn’t sure that was the way he wanted to do this.

During his session with Minho the following day, Yoongi told him everything he was planning. Of course he first had to talk about the conversation he had with her and how it hurt a bit, but that’s why he’s so determined to make this perfect. Minho helped brainstorm ideas and in the end Yoongi decided he would hand write a letter to her on his tablet and send it to her that way.

Hyeri woke up the morning of her birthday almost forgetting that it was even her birthday. If it wasn’t for her birthday lunch with Namjoon, she would have just figured this day were like any other. She has breakfast, studies the script for her audition a bit, then heads out when her new manager arrives to take her to her first appointment of the day.

As soon as she’s gone, Jin, Hobi, and Jimin get right to work. They brought extra decorations for added impact, though Yoongi may not be fully aware. They have balloons, ribbons, and confetti that they put in every area of the place. They accepted every delivery that came and made sure to display everything clearly so Hyeri can see as soon as she walks inside. They took pictures of everything and sent them to Yoongi for his approval. When all was perfect they left, leaving Hyeri’s surprise waiting for her.

Yoongi waited for the signal. The message from Namjoon saying they finished lunch and Hyeri should be on her way home. That’s when Yoongi sent the letter he had written to her.

Hyeri knows she told Yoongi she may not respond to his messages, but she said she would always read them. She thought by saying that he would at least send her something, but he hasn’t. She hasn’t heard from him since they last spoke on the phone, until now. She lit up when she saw his name pop up on her phone. She couldn’t even make it to the elevator to get up to their floor, she had to read it right away.

The moment she saw that it was a handwritten note, she knew it was something sincere. Yoongi doesn’t always do handwritten letters. She leaned against the wall near the elevators not bothering to press the button. She’s only concerned with what Yoongi’s letter says.

My Na Hyeri,

Happy birthday my love! I wish I could be with you to celebrate, but since I can’t I hope this is enough. There aren’t enough words in the universe to describe what you mean to me.

From the moment I met you, I knew that you were special. Your smile, your laugh, your personality...everything about you just makes me feel like the luckiest person in the world. Spending time with you always brings me peace and happiness, and I’m grateful for every moment we’ve had together.

I am so sorry for putting you through so much pain and heartache. I know that you deserve so much better than that. I’m working hard to become a better person, not just for you but for myself as well.

I know that the past year has been challenging for us, but I believe that our love is strong enough to endure anything that comes our way. I promise to work on myself and our relationship every day, so that we can continue to grow together.

I want you to know that you are the light of my life, and I will always do everything in my power to make you happy. I hope that you can feel my love for you at all times no matter how far apart we are.

I promise I will spend the rest of my life making up for all of my mistakes and showing you how much you mean to me. I love you with all of my heart, and I can’t wait to hold you in my arms again.

Forever mine. Forever yours.

Yoongi

Hyeri can hardly even read the last few lines of his letter through her tears. Her heart hurts but feels so full at the same time. She takes a second to pull herself together and takes the elevator up. When she steps into the front door the tears start falling again.

She’s immediately greeted by one large bouquet of fall flowers. When she looks up she sees ribbons strung across the ceiling along with many balloons, some heart shaped. She walks further inside and is greeted by a second bouquet, bigger than the first, sitting on the coffee table in the living room surrounded by more confetti, a bottle of her favorite wine, and a small jewelry box. Inside is a silver cuff bracelet covered in diamonds with a matching pair of earrings.

From there she goes into the bedroom where she finds Shooky presenting her with the third bouquet and a gorgeous purse and shoes that are perfectly her style. At this point shes shed enough tears to fill a pool. All of these gifts that he somehow has set up for her plus the heartfelt letter he sent her has her feeling more loved than she ever has in her life. He’s put her through a lot, but he’s so good to her.

She takes a picture of herself hugging Shooky and sends it to him thanking him for everything. She tells him that he’s made this one of her best birthdays ever and she loves him so much. He quickly responds with the video of him playing the song he had written for her. He simply titled it “Rainbow”. There are no words, just him caressing the keys into a gentle melody.

Hyeri closes her eyes as she listens and smiles at how beautiful the music feels gliding into her ears and radiating a soft weightlessness throughout her entire body. He’s played her many songs before, but none like this. None made specifically for her.

Yoongi didn’t expect Hyeri to respond, but he was so happy that she did. He’s even happier looking at the photo of her hugging Shooky the way he wishes he could hold her. The smile on her face and evident tears in her eyes lets him know his surprise was a success.

It’s more than a success. Hyeri is in tears at Yoongi’s surprise. She misses him so much it makes this moment of happiness and admiration a little bittersweet. She can only hope that next year she won’t have to spend the day away from him.

[ellerevelle]

copy paste journal entry 4

one year later

October 20th, 2016

im jealous

when you seem fine to go to a party, when it comes across that you dont "need" me to go with you,

when i try to find you at a show but you had a fine time on your own regardless of my presence,

that people recognize you

that you make amazing music and are constantly having ideas and writing

and people want to be a part of it like taylor and ida and its a talking point and something to have in common with people

im jealous. that you are confident in your abilities at work, that youve found your creative outlet and feel the desire to work on it all the time, that you know people in this town and people know you. that youre comfortable in your humor and your tastes and how you dress and you know your way around town and know where things are and just...

you seem to have it together and i'm jealous, and taking out that jealousy on you because i'm not there, and im just scared. and i tell you all the time how i feel and... you dont really express as accutely when youre down or blue, you zen it out or just carry on with the casual day. and i'm not really on that level, not yet or maybe i'll never handle things the way you do.

but that doesnt mean its fair that i make you feel like youre never doing enough. i'm setting a christmas list of expectations because... im jealous of you and your "fine"ness. i want you to feel so fine, above fine, that youre able to scoop me up and teach me that all the shit im freaking myself out with isnt real.

but then, youre a human. and maybe you seem fine to me, but inside youve got all the same swirlings of doubt and fear. and now im adding to it by what looks to you as blowing things out of proportion. and from my side youre downplaying.

so what do we do. i wish you'd share more. i feel less lonely if i know youre going through stuff too. but... what if thats not your style? what if you dont like talking about the down stuff because it gives it more fuel in your mind? i feel like that sometimes too. like the more i talk about bad stuff... well, the more im thinking about it and feeling it and its then all i can think about. i understand why you zen things out with music or moto, and where the stress comes in when either of those things arent working out as planned.

i wanted to see you at that show because im worried we dont have a whole lot in common. but when we touch or laugh or smile at each other and bop, we lose pretenses and just enjoy the moment. very present. at least thats how it is for me, and thought for you, so when you were indifferent after the show i felt a bit shattered. i thought i was setting up a great chance to connect, but failed. and had already felt like a failure for not going to that party. for not progressing at barre. for not hearing anything about my resume. for just... not being a real Person in Austin the way youre a real Person.

I'm afraid I'm not interesting enough, not sharp enough with wit or jokes, I dont even have the prowess of cooking to impress you with now that youre doing it solo (which I'm so fucking proud of you btw but definitely kinda miss having that gold star) and I want to still cook together, to feel like its a date and not a chore.

I love that you asked me about my collages for your album cover, and that you vented to me the other day about work. I love to see you confident about moto parts, or at least confident about learning them. but then if ever a glimmer of money or time comes in, doubt soaks its way through, your voice changes into a drained man.

cant sleep in because today needs to be 8 hours to pay for the recording session, that barely 12 hours ago was a great thing! but now its a chore? fuck, man.

I dont want to be another chore. I want you to see me ... as a cleansing of the chore. or someone to work things through with. or even do literal chores with.

I've lost my train of thought intention ...

and i think back to when you talked to me about struggling with depression when you were younger

and you seem to have compartmentalized it so much. i talk about my shit all the time, how it strings together and lingers sometimes. echoes. old bruises.. that sort of thing.

but you allude to having attempted suicide before, which is huge... and to therapy, did you even tell me you went to a rehab thing? and yet like... it doesnt come up. which i respect, but... i duno. i want to know more. even your divorce, you never ever talk about it. about the past. you hardly talk about the past and thats ALL thats on my mind these days in my own world.

is it to cope?

we're such different people, I fear.

I am so very proud of my past, shit and all. I hate it but I wear it and all the emotions that come along very boldly and probably too obviously. at least until I can figure them out better.

i just lost the most reassuring presence in my life. even when it was bullshit grandiose lies, shed reassure me. "ill never be as pretty as so and so" "you hush youre the most beautiful girl in the world"

even though she and i lost our relationship over time, that way, i still wasnt ready to lose that soother. that teacher. that support.

ive always looked for reassuring people. teachers bosses, even the nod of someone flirting with me was (in my dilluded mind) reassurance i was doing something right.

so when youre confident. when YOU have plans. when YOU have vision, and I dont... I want to see myself in your voice. I want to hear you want me there. I dont assume it. I assume that youre fine either way. which in reality i know you are. but ... i can think im special til the cows come home, but im still alone. but if YOU think im special... If i matter to your day... if confident YOU sees something in ME. then i remember to see something in ME. its just the right momentum to get me out away from the devil on my shoulder telling me im worthless.

now that sounds codependent. fuck.

i just... why do i feel alone even when were together? because you sit there doing life any old way, with me or without. makes no difference. do i have to get used to that?

i guess just... i want a bold force. bolder than myself. i want a leader. someone whos strength reminds me of my own. reminds me to have fun with this life.

and a lot of the time i just feel like you need to be single.

not to be with other women, but just to be with yourself. to stretch your limbs and be a man of this world and do your projects and just... be. without another person around.

because i need you. and i dont really think you like it. when im complaining or saying you did this wrong or that not enough or why didnt you this that this that... its because i need you and ... yea. whatever you were thinking or not thinking, wasnt enough. or was wrong. in my book.

my anxiety makes things you think are irrational completely and utterly real to me. normal life things, every day things that every one goes through and deals with become gigantic make-or-break moments. i cant deny that a lot of that is due to the recent trauma of mom's addiction, various times i had the choice to call 911 and didnt... literal make or break things that i fucked up. and also with moving away from philly. leaving thigns that seemed blah, but now that im away i wonder if ive severed ties that i cant return to. if ill ever be relevant anywhere, enough so to matter, to make a difference or impact. choices that seem black and white but spill into giant oceans of grey and chess pieces scatter... so when you ask me how my day is, i cant really answer with the truth that i was so crippled by feeling like an idiot imposter that i gave up on trying to park my car at a fucking coffee shop and drove away crying thinking that the patrons outside were watching me fail in my big clunky car and laughing at me. and that i cried harder thinking about the fact that i dreaded going back to my apartment empty handed, having wasted time and effort and just... failed at trying to do ANYTHING with my day.

so i keep quiet and when something goes iffy between us, like the show last night, or like... us hanging out and you roll over and dont touch me or say anything when you go to sleep at all... i assume youre mad at me. or i act cold until you ask me whats wrong and express my insecurities in the shape of "YOU did this wrong, why didnt YOU do that, etc" when really i just...

wish things were different. i wish i was different, i wish you knew how to fit the bill i need.

and im afraid the more i say, the more i struggle with myself, the less you'll like me. that motorcycle thing, target fixation.

you see whats wrong with me, and then i TALK EVEN MORE about what i think is wrong with me... then you probably see that too. when i know youve got your own personal stuff happening and im sure i dont fit the bill you perfectly need either.

you want the carefree traveling girl you met.

well... i stopped traveling for you. im worried both dont exist simultaneously.

who knows.

i feel less mature than you. but i also think youre more stubborn than me. youre patient but in different ways. we're both conceded but in different ways.

i wonder, if given the chance, if we'd hate each other in a different dimension. a parallel world.

and in another, if we'd ever EVER even meet or notice each other.

you stood out to me, and still do, because of how you care for me. and accepted me from the start as a person and not a sexy girl or a commodity or a person to know to get ahead or any of the barbary popularity contest crap brainwashed me to believe.

i admire your drive and your shine and how you can fix things and learn things and are sweet and goofy and care about your mom and just...

i wish we'd met a different way.

i wish i hadnt been drinking.

i wish i'd seen you on stage first. or working somewhere. or out doing an activity.

i wish i'd had to try to impress you. i wish it was more of a chase to get to know you. to vie for your time.

i dont know why. i just... i think i like to rise to the occasion. i want to see who i can be when trying to impress you. because often, i impress myself. and am proud of myself. and THAT shows.

That showed when we met. i was proud of myself because i love traveling alone.

but now im here, and i feel aimless and im not proud of myself... and i dont quite know what to show you.

when we talked about Carrie... i was SO proud of myself for finding a cool theme point to talk about. it felt like college again. like i had found a point that impressed my professor. i felt smart. like i'd scored a three point shot.

i know that led to our sex being so good. at least in my mind.

i miss that fucking FIRE. and i know its something i have to find in myself. but im kindof afraid when i do... someone else will have helped me get there. and i worry that thats what i want. i want a teacher. i NEED to be stimulated. i NEED someone to notice when i dont show up to class. To feel a gap in the debate when i'm not there to chime in. to hear a difference in the choir without me.

so when youre fine. when you dont think twice about me not going to the party. or when youre not really phased when we dont link up at a show i specifically asked you to come to.

it really really bothers me. it makes me want to keep that power from you, the power i feel when i AM proud of myself.

i believe we give the best of our selves to people we feel deserve it. and i hate that this has become a tit for tat of deserving. when youre weird or lame or quiet, i dont want to have sex with you. but i know sex for you triggers a sense of connection and you treat me better and are happier to see me and be affection with me after we have sex, because that assures you i desire you and thats validating and boosts you, so youre happier and then youre nice. and then i feed off that and im nice and we're fine.

but when you suck, i dont want to sleep with you.

and often, if i dont sleep with you, you think i suck.

chicken or the egg.

we've talked about this but i think we're still chasing our tails.

i think we both have depression, i think i talk about it too much and i think you talk about it too little.

i think we both need a hobby that requires physical activity, and/or one that involves doing it together.

i thought cooking could be that, but... i duno. it'll ebb and flow.

group scenarios.

i want to matter to you.

i dont do a whole lot without you. and sometimes i fear that if i do, youre gonna feel left out. oooor that itll come back and bite me, like if i prioritize hanging out with staci or nelson or michelle and dont hang out with you or invite you, itll be crappy later on.

which is unrealistic to think about if we're gonna make this last. of COURSE were gonna have other friends.

ah, my brain just twisted down the other long term thing.

it really bothers me that you dont have the father gene.

its a huge warm fuzzy puppy when a man is good with kids. expresses posi vibes about children, even about being a teacher or a coach or paling around. its a vibe, either there or its not. and with you, i think youve clearly stated kids arent in the cards for you. and that appears to me like a literal wall of sharp, shiny obsidian black. dark like your eyes when youre angry or disappointed in me. i do not like that darkness. same way theres a dreaded tone you get in your voice sometimes. that tone, and the black eyes, i fear them because i lose you. you drift away, cut away, either back to someone i didnt know before we met, someone you were before, past life that is still there like an id, or someone thats there all along and just doesnt come out into the light often, but is there under that curly dark hair. im not sure which i fear more.

even now, so many pieces are swimming around. longing, disappointment, wishing youd be more, wishing i needed less, wishing i could see you purely without "need", worrying im not enough for you, worrying im not seeing your depression, wishing youd talk to me more, wondering if youre mad, wondering if youre sad, if youre stewing, if you want to leave me. that im too stubborn, that ive hurt you before and am now still on you about all this shit.

i havent been a good girlfriend. ive emotionally cheated and had shitty untrustworthy conversations and here i am still complaining that youre not doing it right.

which is freaky. because youre clearly an awesome motherfucker and have put up with a lot when, if the tides were turned, i probably wouldve left.

but why have i done these things. why did i cry out for attention in those ways, and STILL if i dont get the attention i need from you, i cry out to you. get on your shit about it. im not satisfied. i think my actions have made that clear.

but what do i do.

every time i hear something outside i wonder if youre here.

but why would you come here, why would you come to me if youre mad.

i wonder if youre at your place feeling in the right and thinking im in the wrong. thinking of reasons to leave me.

i know i need to be more humble and learn, and mature. but what if these instincts and urges to complain are telling us we're not right for each other.

itd suck. but what if? or what if its just that we're young and its supposed to be hard and we've gotta stick it out?

how the fuck are we supposed to know the answers to these things? im not interested in looking for another you :( no ones known me like you.

sometimes you make me feel like im not smart enough or deep enough for you. like youve accepted me but i havent accepted you.

i have a lot to learn. this needs to be picked back up upon another time.