#anyways. make that two and a half hours of four now. catra came and knocked my phone out of my hands while i was typing this
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#short vent#tw self oof#why is it that when my parents are away and I'm here in this house alone that i end up crying the most and being in the most danger#literally tuesday morning was the closest i came in about 6 years to actually having a plan to commit “jay is no longer with us”#thank god for catra existing to keep that from happening.#and then today now that they've gone to their beach condo for the weekend#I've spent two hours of the four they've been gone laying in bed crying my eyes out#because I got the sudden feeling that i dont have much longer left to live#and because i came to the realization that the world doesnt want me - has never wanted me - and that i was never supposed to be here#which led to the thought that if i did finally die *not* of my own volition Catra would be left here all alone and i can't let that happen.#anyways. make that two and a half hours of four now. catra came and knocked my phone out of my hands while i was typing this#and forced me to hold her head in my hands and wouldn't leave me alone#and then i had a breakdown over trying to explain to her that im not going anywhere yet and that she isn't losing me yet.#anyway so yeah idk. i'm 100% not ok right now. idk what the future holds for me or how much of a future i have left but.#right now i'm here and i am really *really* not ok. probably the furthest from ok actually.
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