#anyways. rotates him in my brain centrifuge

[fighter-spirits]

ignore that i am bad at draw fire and didnt even put effort in the powers anyways

this is phosphorus there is definitely something wrong with him. his story centers in a post-events au for promare. and he's essentially kray foresight's parole officer/therapist guy. im still figuring things out but he also falls in love with kray because i have issues.

he managed not to get thrown in the centrifuge due to living alone in the desert after fleeing after almost being caught during his psychology finals.

acts scarily normal. unsettling in his absence of hate for kray. just because he likes kray doesn't mean he's abusing his power to enable kray tho. he only uses his power to influence kray getting treated as human. he advocates for access to sunlight, to better food, and he talks to kray like a therapist but also a friend.

[dreadfutures]

my junior and senior year of college i had this mad crush on one of my grad student friends who also ended up TAing a bunch of my upper divs and we bonded over a ton of music and we matched on Bumble and everything and then it turned out he was into a friend of mine and he ghosted me and i was sad

and honestly it was probably the last time I had a really good stupid happy crush and I was just thinking this morning about how with so many emotions i intellectualize as a coping mechanism and distance myself and don’t allow myself to feel them fully because like. what am i going to do with those things? when I’m so angry i want to bite something because my dog shit on my floor even tho i took him out on two long walks because I KNEW he needed to poop, what am I supposed to do? bite something???? no. a what��s the point and b what could i do to express that emotion harmlessly and c it’s not proportionate to what’s really happening in life to warrant that feeling

but crushes? crushes? i can fully allow myself to be swept off my feet by affection and fondness and accept the irrationality of it and keep it to myself or express it as much as i want and who knows how it’ll go but it’s okay. and i miss that feeling and the only reason i haven’t felt that feeling is because of how isolated it is here.

i’ve felt that way about one other person since then but it was marred by this underlying grief and restraint i had to show, but it was the same deal.

anyway camden’s song is Agnes by Glass Animals and I was obsessed with them before he told me it as his favorite but now whenever i hear it i think about him and love even though it’s the saddest song in the world

and i had never watched the music video but:

dear friends…nervously excited to share with you the video for Agnes. it’s hard to explain exactly how it feels inside a human centrifuge. you sit in a small egg-like pod about the size of a horse which hangs off a 50 foot steel horizontal frame. It looks like something out of a bond villain’s lair. it’s claustrophobic and uncomfortable and also incredibly hot.

slowly the whole thing starts to rotate like a helicopter blade. Faster and faster until every part of you becomes crushed under the extreme gravity. its like being slowly sat on by an elephant, or like your whole body being punched in slow motion. you have to flex every muscle and use every ounce of strength you have to keep going. breathing requires serious effort. movement becomes incredibly strained and almost painful. everything that once weighed 5 kilograms now weighs 50. its difficult even to keep your eyes open. it hurts in places you really didn’t know existed. veins and capillaries burst under the pressure and bruising begins. its a rapid physical overdrive.

the blood rushes from your brain making it impossible to think rationally or focus. your eyes are also drained and you get tunnel vision…only able to see small circles of the world directly infront of you and your sight goes completely greyscale…no more colour. your balance and spatial awareness goes and the world begins to spin like you’ve had way too much to drink. but the most striking thing is the way that the machine pulls on your heart. you can actually feel it struggling to beat and changing shape…flattening inside of your chest. Its similar to that horrible sinking, tugging heartache that comes only with complete and overwhelming sadness. and then you pass out.

we ran the centrifuge 18 times while i tried to sing along to a song which i find difficult to listen to at the best of times.

this was probably the most intense video-making experience I’ll ever have. But its the only way that we could just about begin to simulate for a moment what happens within Agnes.

speak soon,

dave

I dunno there’s something about this expression of the centrifuge and that feeling that is so viscerally familiar to me and I get it man, I get it. and that’s another emotion that I have allowed myself to feel fully and completely and those are the extremes of life, you know? the whole range of human beatific revelation lies within those bounds.

[cosmik-homo]

Anyways I'm rotating stuff about deathgate and physical appearance in my brain like a super fast centrifuge tonight. Like sometimes it's SO bad- if I had a dime for every gratuitous unnecessary description of Xar or Hugh's Dark Evil Shady Hooked Nose Of Badness I would have a jar, but also. Everything about Alfred?? Literally perfect?And also Haplo himself being explicitly described as "handsome I guess but avarage" and most of his gorgeous boy comes from vibes, even in his gorgeous internal art he isn't, like, Henry Cavill Geralt level male power fantasy. He's some dude withc long hair and a dog. Amen. And Vasu gets to be fat and be has a moment of like "yeah I'm not a buff warrior but like. I don't need to be. I'm a mayor this is proof I run things good" and then kicks ass in the battle of Abri along as everyone else. And BANE! Bane who's perfect angelface may be a part of his magic or just as bad as it when it comes to absolutely ruining his entire life and ability to form real connections with people cuz they don't get the *choice* to love or adore him and he grows up to only conceive of himself as that tool and it kills him under age 13. Like Althea!!!

And like when I'm thinking visual adaptation, how all of the sartan loook So Majestic and stuff but I really want then to be, Pretty Side Of Average real people looking character actors with nice makeup and shooting, and slowly as cracks start forming in the audience's and the characters view of Sartan Might and as things crumble for the various sartan groups we see they look more vulnerable and you remember they were humans. Not elves. They're human and real and stupid in the most fallible ways. It's all literally politician glamour and Alfred isn't that weird for being a bit ugly and odd and easily blending in a human crowd, he just has 0 confidence to compensate it and is granted 0 grace by myriads of social norms and prejudice.

And whichever Alfred descriptions aren't either pointing that character essence out or the sartan lens stuff are, like. I fucking love the horrible horrible description of him Haplo does in the start of fire sea that's borderline phrenology with the like. How he ties Sartankind's lesser willpower and deservence to rule with his soft jawline and the fact he's wearing *silks*! It's such a perfect little paragraph for building and encapsulating multiple of the series' themes and it works so well in showing you how predisposed haplo is to fascism even when the valid justice of the roots of his hatred for the sartan are the focus of the scene without really making him hurt anyone in a ssy that would be difficult to build a healthy relationship from, and like. By the end of the series Alfred's face is just. A face to him. A thing his friend looks like. He always is a bit of an ugly duckling and it's chill.