#apologies for abuse of the italics and punctuation

[hydrospanners]

thrusting back into my skin i feel anew

time can be a thief if you let it. nirea and doc try to find their footing with six years of time, distance, and damage between them. spoilers for onslaught. swtor. f!jedi knight x doc. angst with a happy ending. 1800 words. ao3.

She’s so still.

  Doc isn’t sure why it keeps him up like it does, all the little movements she isn’t making. By all accounts he should be sleeping better without Rea doing gymnastics in their bed.

  He isn’t.

  He’s lying awake, blinking tired eyes at the exposed rock she calls a ceiling in this dank little cave of hers. He’s clenching his fists and grinding his teeth and opening his mouth to ask what the deal is and then closing it again because that’s a stupid fucking question, isn’t it? He knows what the deal is. The deal is the Emperor coming back from the grave  again  and more Sith magic no one knows anything about and that new softness in Scourge’s voice and that new steel in Kira’s eyes. The deal is Corellia burning again and Malgus and the Empire and slavers and Jedi Padawans and Jedi Councils and probably three dozen other things she hasn’t had time to catch him up on.

  He knows what the deal is. He just doesn’t know what to say about it. He doesn’t know how to get back to the way things used to be, to their easy understandings and wordless conversations. He doesn’t even know if she wants to be touched right now.

  But Rea--

  Stars shine on her, Rea’s never needed to know how a thing should be done before she just did it.

  “Do you think I made the right call?” She asks, like they haven’t been laying in tense silence for the last hour.

  You’re the Jedi. How should I know?  The words jump to his tongue, an old, familiar joke, but it doesn’t feel funny anymore. Nothing much feels funny about this day.

  “I’m not sure it matters what I think, Beautiful.”

It’s not like he’s insecure. If he isn’t the  best  doctor in the galaxy--and considering the life expectancy of a half-decent doctor these days, he’s pretty sure he is--Doctor Archiban Kimble is definitely top three. He’s damn good at what he does, the shooting and the scheming just as much as the healing, and he knows it. He works hard to make sure everyone else knows it too.

  He isn’t insecure. But he isn’t stupid, either. He can’t just  not notice  the big fucking gap between the galaxy’s most valuable doctor and the galaxy’s most valuable person, period. He can’t not notice that, as much as he carries life and death in his hands, entire empires rise and fall on Rea’s shoulders.

  The gap was always there before, but it’s so much bigger now. He doesn’t know how to get across.

  “It matters,” Rea says, and finally moves. She rolls onto her side, her cheek pillowed on folded hands as she stares at him with this intensity he doesn’t even recognize. “It matters to me.”

  And because he’s a helpless idiot who can’t do anything but follow her, even after all this time, he rolls onto his side too. “That’s kind of a big deal these days.”

  “It was always a big deal,” she says, but she can’t quite manage a smile. “I’ve been waiting all day to ask, you know.”

  Waiting is probably a strong word, but he likes to hear it anyway. He likes to hear that it matters to her what he thinks, even if her opinion is the one that counts. He likes to hear that it’s something she considers, when she’s out there shaping the galaxy. That  he’s  still something she considers.

  (She promised she still loved him. Promised she never stopped, that there was no one else and nothing else and she looked for him for a year and he believes her it’s just that--it’s just that everything’s so  different  now.)

  “I don’t know any better than you what the right call is, Gorgeous.”

  She moves her hand into the space between them, fingers curling like she wants to reach for him, but she doesn’t. He wants to reach out too, to touch her and tell her it’s okay. He wants to know what’s holding her back.

  He’s too afraid of the answer to ask.

  “What would you have done, then? In my shoes.”

  “Got some smaller shoes?”

  She smiles finally, a small thing but real, and the tight coil of something in his gut starts to relax. “Jackass. I’m having an existential crisis here, okay? I need your advice.”

  “No you don’t,” Doc says, finding himself smiling right back. “You don’t need me for shit, Gorgeous. I always said so, and the last six years prove it, don’t they? You can get by just fine without me.” He takes the hand that had reached for him in his, feels the flutter of her pulse under his thumb and draws it to his lips.

  He meant to give her space this time, to let her come to him on her own, but he’s no better at staying away now than he was the last time. Doc can’t help pushing, even if he can’t tell which direction he’s pushing her in.

  He kisses her wrist, her palm. He kisses the pads of her fingers, never looking away from her eyes, so wide and so blue in the dark of their room. “You’ve never needed me,” he says, smiling. “But I like that you  want  me.”

  Her hand curls around his and she’s moving again, wiggling her way across the gap between them, pressing closer and closer until their bodies are flush together and her toes are caressing the backs of his knees.

  “Of course I want you, Dumbass. I never  stopped  wanting you.” She takes a deep breath and her eyes fall shut as she brings their joined hands to her lips, dragging kisses across his knuckles. “I never stopped,” she whispers, her voice tight. “I’m sorry if it doesn’t seem like it. If I forgot how to show you--”

  Doc feels the heat of tears against his hand. “Hey,” he says. “Hey, it’s okay. It’s okay, Gorgeous, you didn’t--”

  But he has stop himself. Because she  did . Because she’s Rea and he knows her, knows her better than anyone in the galaxy knows her, knows her better even than her brother, better than her new pet spy. He knows her instinct when she’s hurting is to close up and pile the armor high. He knows how much it scares her to lean on another person, to  want  something that could easily be ripped away.

  He knows these last six years have torn all those old wounds open and left her raw and aching.

  “I’m trying,” she whispers, more solemn than sad. “I hate that I have to. It used to be so easy. I  wanted  this to be so easy, just like old times, but…”

  “I get it,” Doc says, because he does. Because she’s not the only one fighting battles that were supposed to be already won.

  Rea squeezes his hand, drawing it against her chest as she opens her eyes to look at him again. There’s tears there, but strength too. Determination. “Things have changed so much. I keep being terrified you’re gonna look up and realize none of this is what you signed up for, that  I’m  not what you signed up for anymore. And I just--I’m so scared of losing you again that I can’t even enjoy being with you while you’re here.”

  Stars. He isn’t surprised, but hearing her say it is still-- Stars .

  “I’m not going anywhere,” he promises. “I’ll be right here with you for as long as you still want me.”

  He sees the little furrow in her brow, the little twitch that tells him she heard exactly what he said and exactly what he meant and she’s not about to forget it.

  “Besides, I couldn’t leave if I wanted to, Gorgeous. I’m an Alliance citizen now.” He nudges her with his knee, grinning. “Not saying I’m not flattered, but you really didn’t need to blow the Republic off just to keep me on Odessen.”

  Rea doesn’t smile. “So you think I made the wrong call? You think I should’ve taken the offer?”

  Doc sighs, his own smile fading quickly. “I don’t know. I don’t think I’d want to balance on a razor’s edge in the minefield between the Republic and the Empire if I could help it, but if anyone can pull it off, it’s you Rea.”

  “Are you just saying that to make me feel better?”

  It hurts a little that she has to ask, but he can’t say he blames her. “I know how to make you feel better, Gorgeous, and it doesn’t usually involve words.” This time, she does smile. “I  mean  it. Don’t know what the Alliance is gonna do when I finally convince you to retire, but as long as they’ve got you they’ll be fine. There’s no one in the galaxy who can stop you when you’ve got your mind set.”

  “It’s a big gamble,” she says. “I know it is. The whole thing is riding on me and Force fucking knows I need more of that like a hole in the head. But--” She swallows, letting her eyes drop to their hinds, still wound together and pressed against her chest. “I promised these people I’d take care of them. They trusted me with their lives and I just wasn’t sure I could keep my word if we got tangled up in Republic bureaucracy again. You know what it’s like, how easy it is to slip things through the cracks.”

  He nods. He does know. Probably better than anyone except Rea herself. “But what about you, Gorgeous? You’re not making your job any easier here.”

  “When have I ever done anything the easy way?”

  “You do prefer things hard.”

  Doc laughs shamelessly at his own joke and it’s enough to make Rea laugh with him. She presses her lips to his and laughs right into his mouth, sloppy and easy and so very  her  it makes his heart stutter. Then she’s sliding her toes along the back of his leg, just as limber and just as eager as she used to be and suddenly his joke is not a joke at all because this-- this  is just as easy as it always was. Because their bodies always know just what to say and how to say it.

  “Let’s have sex,” she mumbles, already kissing her way down his throat, her hand already teasing him through his shorts, and he can only hope the sound he makes in answer sounds adequately like a  yes .

  Their voices echo against the exposed rock of what passes for a ceiling in the dank little cave Rea calls a bedroom, and if it isn’t quite like old times… Well at least they aren’t lying still.

[princessofmarvel]

Begin Again

summary | You and your neighbor/ best friend renfield both share rough pasts, yet you fall for each other despite you being scared to fall for someone again. requested!

pairing | robert montague renfield x fem!reader 

wc | 1.6k 

warnings! | talks of an emotionally and mentally abusive ex! not really proof read yet!

genre | angst and fluff! (the ending is fluffy I promise, lol) 

author’s note! | i loved this request! please keep them coming! italics mean flashbacks! this is a part of my “swift series” (where I write fics based on Taylor Swift songs)  so if you have any requests for the swift series (or for just something that you would like for me to write) please send them in! I would be happy to write about them! And as always, I do I have really bad OCD that causes me to write in some random capitalization, and punctuation, But I think that we don't have to worry about that in this fic lol. And let me know if there are any mistakes, but please be kind!

  She took a quick look at herself in the mirror making sure that she looked alright before walking out the door, locking it behind her, and putting her earbuds in to walk down to the cafe that she met her neighbor at every morning for a cup of coffee. As she walked in she noticed Renfield was already sitting there with his tea and what she assumed to be her order sitting across from him. When he noticed her walking over he stood with a smile on his face. 

“Morning (Y/n)! I ordered your regular, I hope that's alright” He said, sounding a little bit nervous. 

“Robert, you don’t have to stand everytime we meet.” She said, taking her seat. “And, yes that's perfect, let me repay you real quick.” She said going to get the money out of her purse before Renfield stopped her. 

“No, no, it’s on me, don’t worry about it.” He said taking his seat across from her, that’s Robert Montague Renfield for you though, forever the gentleman. 

“Oh fuck!” she said while trying to pick up the box from the trunk of her car, not noticing the man walking towards her.

“Excuse me miss, would you like some help with that?” The man said as he was getting closer to her, but far enough away to not make her uncomfortable. 

“That would be great, if you don’t mind sir.” She said, sighing in relief. 

He felt the breath catch in his throat when she turned towards him. Barely being able to get his next words out without stuttering. “I’m Robert Montague Renfield” He said, putting his hand out to her. 

“(Y/n) (L/n)” She said, shaking his hand. He started going towards the box that she seemed to have trouble with once they pulled apart. “Oh be careful that one is quite” But he lifted it up with ease as she got the last word out “Heavy” 

“Which apartment?” 

Renfield and her  very quickly became each other's best friends. Spending basically every hour they were home at the others place. Whether that would be a movie night, him coming over to listen to the new album she was excited about. Eating together, or if they just simply wanted the other's company. 

“I did?” She said, sounding slightly shocked. She very rarely slept peacefully. Having nightmares about how her life used to be.

“I wanted to apologize for falling asleep on you last night.” She said, sounding slightly embarrassed. “You could have woken me up, you didn’t have to carry me to bed.”

“You looked so peaceful that it would have been a crime to wake you up.” 

Renfield practically broke down the door to her apartment when he heard her scream in the middle of the night. If he hadn’t remembered where she hid the extra key, he would have. Her scream was not so loud that it would wake others up, but loud enough that he could hear it from his apartment next door. “(Y/n), are you alright?!” He said while rushing into her bedroom, only to find her sitting up in her bed with her face in her hands, before she jumped noticing that he was there. “I- Robert what are you doing here?” She asked, while wiping away her tears that had slipped while she was asleep. 

“I heard you scream, I thought you were hurt.” He said placing his tin of bugs that he kept on to her dresser. What he really thought was that Dracula had somehow returned and found out about her, and decided to take his revenge. “Are you alright?” 

“Oh, I'm sorry Robert, I have bad dreams sometimes, I didn’t mean to wake you.” She said while keeping her eyes from meeting his. 

“Nonsense, I could barely sleep anyways.” He said with a chuckle. “Would you like to talk about it?” 

“No.” She said without hesitation, she wasn’t ready to tell him about her past yet. 

He nodded, thinking that maybe she just wanted to go back to sleep. While he was heading for the door he stopped in his tracks when he heard her voice. “Um, Robert?”

‘Yes?” he said, turning towards her. 

“Can you stay with me?” She said quietly, if it hadn’t been for his super hearing, he may not have been able to hear her at all.”

“Of course.” He said, heading for her couch.

“You can sleep over here if you want.” she said while moving to the other side of the bed instead of the middle. 

“Are you sure, I want you to be comfortable.” He asked, while making his way towards her. 

“Yes, I’m sure, I would like the company, your company.” She said, finally meeting his eyes. 

He smiled and layed down next to her. He would never tell her, in fear of embarrassing her. But, she clinged to him the whole night, she even whined when he tried to get up in the morning.  

“You did, I stayed for a little while afterwards to make sure that you would stay that way.

She smiled and looked down at her cup. “Thank you.” 

“You don’t have to thank me (Y/n), I don’t mind.” He said. He seemed nervous, like he wanted to get something over with. “I need to ask you something.”

“Yes?” She said looking up from her cup

“Would you like to go out with me?” He said, nervously, “Like, on a date, romantically.” 

She stopped, she seemed taken aback. He worried that he had messed up, so he quickly added. “I understand if you’re not interested, It was just a thought-” She cut him off from rambling. 

“It’s not that I'm not interested, I just don’t think I'm a datatable person Robert.” Now that stunned him. 

“What? Of course you are, you’re hilarious, you’re strong, you have a heart of gold, you’re brave, and to add to all of that, you’re stunning.” He said, not being able to believe that she thought that of herself. 

“You really think I'm funny?” She asked, earning a nod from him. “He never did.” She mumbled to herself. 

It finally hit Renfield, the reason for her being closed off, why she screams in  the night, Why she never brings up her past, why she never shares her problems with him. “(Y/n), did someone hurt you?” 

She wiped a stray tear from her eye. “I was in a bad relationship before I met you Robert, It was never physical, but he would just say the meanest things, and start the most random fights with me, and then after he would shower me in affection, it was awful. I never realized it was abuse until it got worse, I found myself scared to mess up around him in fear of him blowing up at me all of the time.” She found herself just finally letting it all pour out to Renfield. “I’m scared to try again, because what if the love and affection is leading up to something awful, just preparing me for the blow.” 

“(Y/n), listen to me, you didn’t deserve that, you deserved none of it, he was, what do that call it? Love bombing, that’s it. Okay? I can promise you that not every relationship that you have will be like that, whether your next relationship is with me or not, I need you to know that.” He felt his heart break when she told him that. He went through something so similar, something that he would never wish on anyone. He had told her a few months ago what he had gone through, and she helped him get through it. He hated that he didn’t know, that he couldn’t see that she was facing the same issues. 

“I know, I know.” She let out a sigh, “I’m sorry for dropping all of that on you.” 

“Don’t be, I wish you would have sooner, never feel like you have to hide your worries from me, okay? I am your best friend after all.” He said, trying to lighten up the mood. 

“We could be more though, if you still want to go on that date, that is.” She said, looking up at him. 

The date went beautifully. He picked her, took her to this beautiful new restaurant, he even brought her favorite flowers, Neither one of them wanted it to end. 

“I would love to, but only if you’re ready.” He said, reaching over grabbing her hand from across the table. “I don’t want you to feel like you have to say yes right now, if you’re not ready.”

“It’s been 8 months, I’m ready.” She said, smiling at him. “So when's this date?”

“I had a great time tonight.” Renfield said as she unlocked her door. 

“I did too. I like dating someone who I already trust, Makes it so much easier.” She laughed as she got her door open. “I guess this is goodnight.” 

“May I kiss you goodnight?” He asked, but as soon as he said it, she placed her hands on his face and pulled him in for a kiss. He placed his hands on her back and pulled her closer. He pressed his forehead to hers as she pulled away. “I should have done that ages ago.” He breathed out, making her laugh lightly. “I agree.” 

He watched her walk into her apartment and close the door. About an hour later, after he had his pajamas on, he heard a knock on the door, he answered to reveal her in her pajamas holding her pillow and a movie. “I can’t sleep, sleepover?” She said as he pulled her inside of his apartment, his arm around her waist. “That is a brilliant idea, love.”

[aither-extraordinairre]

Hi, sorry for being anon, this isn’t hate or anything negative! I wanted to ask about the quotation incident that is being talked about a lot at the moment, I feel a little lost!

From what I know Jojo referred to the term system in quotation marks, and I wanted to ask why this has upset a lot of people, especially people with DID? Quotation marks are used for words, terms or phrases that are unfamiliar or not well known, and are used once when the word is first introduced in a passage and then not used again. It’s sort of an indication the quoted word is a homograph, jargon or colloquial. From what I understand Jojo was being grammatically correct, because outside of DID, system (referring to DID) is an unfamiliar word.

Am I not seeing something unique to your perspective? I would love to fully understand, thank you for your time to answer this!

Hi hi hello!! Thank you for being so polite ❤ I truly appreciate it!!!

I’ll do my very best to put words to my feelings on what went down, but if my answer isn’t enough, I highly recommend going to @musashi ‘s blog! They’ve answered many questions about the situation, and written fantastic posts about it.

Long post ahead, my apologies.

Now, while using system in quotation marks might have been grammatically correct, I think the issue comes from the cultural meaning of quotation marks. Online, in English, quotation marks outside of their use in showing dialogue frequently seem to indicate sarcasm or disbelief, as explained in this lovely Tumblr post (about the generational divide of punctuation meanings):

cop-disliker69                                        Old people use quotation marks to indicate emphasis, as a substitute for italics (which many of them could not produce on the old typewriters they learned to write on), whereas young people use them to indicate sarcasm or falseness. They’re used as “scare quotes”.

And old people use ellipses simply to indicate a pause, or for some other incomprehensible reason I’m not aware of. But young people use ellipses to indicate passive-aggression.

So an old person could type something like:

how are things going with your “boyfriend”….

and what they mean is

How are things going with your boyfriend? [Im so excited for you, sweetie, and I wanna hear about it]

But a young person would interpret that sentence as

How are things going with your so-called boyfriend…. [I say, while seething with contempt for him and possibly for you too]

Additionally, dissociative identity disorder is a touchy subject that simply must be treated with care. It has long history of heavy stigma and abuse against those with it, to the point ignorance is genuinely hard to differentiate from malice.

Jojo’s explanation reads as follows:

Four doesn’t hear separate conversations in his head. He doesn’t have separate/multiple personalities. He is not a “system”. I'm using very little from the manga (As a side note: Vio IS Link(No LxL)). Any “I” or “me” from the colors is not meant as a declaration identifying separately from his complete self.

Furthermore, while his power is multiplied by 4, He is ONE personality but the unique perspective of each color is actually different aspects of his thought process that is made audible.

I personally believe that the use of quotation marks around the word system, coupled with the use of outdated and, quite frankly, offensive terminology in the sentence just before it (multiple personalities), was unnecessary and insensitive at best. The explanation feels careless, too cut and dry given the weight of the topic addressed.

In Jojo’s apology, they explain that they’re foreign, that their manner of speaking often comes off as blunt. Understandable! But again, DID is a heavy topic, and with the presence of so many systems in the fandom that relate to Four and his experiences, the explanation of Four’s ability felt quite alienating, especially given the very first sentence of Jojo’s explanation:

Sunset pt 8 & 9 Posted at the same time b/c I figured I'd show him split in its entirety to avoid any wrong impressions on how the Four sword works in LU 

They explained to avoid wrong impressions on Four- the wrong impression that he’s a system. It may not have been intentional, but this was hurtful. Systems seeing themselves in Four and relating to his experiences should not be wrong.

Jojo apologized in a timely manner, an apology that felt more like a reluctant excuse than anything, but which I will begrudgingly accept as all we’re going to get. The damage has already been done. Systems are now being put down, belittled, sent hate over their feelings by people that have deemed their response an overreaction.

This is more than fandom children whining over a headcanon being disproved. This is a marginalized group being shown that yet again, their situation is not worthy of careful consideration, that thoughtless words are all they can get. This is a marginalized group being shown that, should they speak out against harmful messages, they will be talked over, their words twisted, their experiences taken in bad faith.

This is systems being shown that seeing Four as a system is not welcome here. This is systems being shown that they are not welcome here.

Both the way Jojo handled the situation, and the backlash of fans who insist she’s done absolutely nothing wrong and that those of us affected are being ridiculous, has left a sour taste in the mouths of many of us.

For me personally, the comfort I’ve found in this community has been left irreversibly shattered. I simply can’t allow myself to sit amongst those that have shown they’ll turn on me if I speak up for myself.

There are a select few that I trust and will continue to support when they make content, canon be damned, but for the most part, I’ll be turning back towards l/oz as a whole, specifically F/our S/words. If lu Four isn’t for systems, then we’ll take him straight from his source.